04/07/04

Passover = No Bread

Hey kids, dye your easter eggs in celebration of Jesus Christ dying on the cross

“Let’s forget our diferences, and break matzah”

Optimus Prime, Kurt Kobain, and Jesus “Fucking” Christ, may you all Rest In Peace Kurt Kobain was killed by Courtney Love after he told her of his plans to divorce her and take custody of their child, Frances Bean.

The Rutgers University file sharing server, Optimus Prime was shut down last Monday at a ceremony on the steps of Brower Dining Hall.

Jesus christ was killed by the Jews, as explained in Mel Gibson’s The Passion of The Christ

The Medium “I need a place to live next year, does anyone own a largish van?” Wednesday April 7 , 2004 NEWS The ACLU Just Wants to Be Loved Report: Northeast Vulnerable to Natural Attacks th

By George Mckellis

By Pat Riot On the heels of a Pentagon Report condemmicizing internal emergency responsitivitimy, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge announced today that the United States will be taking further preventative measures to protect the Motherland from natural acts of terrorism.

“Mother Nature has no respect for our property; it’s time to send the old hag to the NURSING HOME [rahr!],” he said, while his own mother rolled up her sleeves and mightfully displayed a Total Information Awareness tattoo, reminding the press that even her top-dog son answers to the real momma.

Ridge unveiled plans for the construction of a permenent high-pressure dome over the Miami to New York region of the east coast in order to ensure a stable atmosphere. In off-the-record remarks to the press, he said he got the idea from playing “SimCity 2000” after repeatedly entering the cheat code to gain access to unlimited funding, bypassing all municipal taxation and bond measures. The project is expected

to cost about $3 trillion, and will be financed by ignoring federal and foreign trade deficits for the forseeable future.

“Don’t you think that Radiohead is essentially correct?” he mused. “There is a consensus on the Hill that their ‘musical vision,’ if you will, of a bleak apocalyptic society completely merits the construction of a Basic Advanced Dynamic Fuckin’ Incredible Dry Eastern Area, or B.A.D. Fuckin’ I.D.E.A., to ensure that this vital project efficiently slushes taxpayers’ money while preventing low-pressure areas from forming and causing rain.” He added, “the acronym was Bush’s. We think it stinks, politically speaking, but he’s the Prez. Even my mother is scared of his wife.” Attorney General John Ashcroft was unavailable for verification, comment, or monologue, as he is hospitalized for pancreatitis. We wish him well, and hope that he will soon be able to return to the important task of requiring an FBI prayer every morning and making sure that anti-war protestors are properly confused with communists and other assorted pinkos instead of doing real work.

The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) made the decision to stop defending the Bill of Rights and to turn itself into the United States Totalitarian Fascism Union (USTFU) yesterday. ACLU President Nadine Strossen said “We’ve received a lot of flak for defending the KKK, free speech on campus, and Constitutional Rights over the years, and quite frankly, our feelings are hurt. We realized we’d be more popular if we defended things people like, such as taking away the right to free speech from minority groups. At a NAACP rally at Rutgers last semester, they thought we’d do that and they cheered for our representative. We were finally popular!”

Nadine Strossen further notes that people at the rally stopped cheering when they realized the ACLU at the time actually defended free speech. ”After all, love is the most powerful force there is. Who cares about petty little things like civil liberties if someone finally loves us?”

Spider Man to Replace Christ as Heavenly Lord of Christian Faith

By C. DeSarno, former Medium Editor and Current Jackass

COUNTERPOINT

POINT

(VATICAN CITY) In what has been hailed a transition easier from one God to another. Both men “radical move” the Catholic church announced may or may not have existed, both had a strong moral yesterday that the new, one true son-of-God wasn’t sense of right and wrong and both had ‘spider sense.’”

Jesus as first suspected but rather Spiderman. The After consulting the Bible, Davidson finally admitted, discovery occurred in light of Passion of the Christ’s “Okay … only one of them had spider sense. I don’t measly $84 million opening weekend which failed to remember which.”

Still, some critics say that the radical change is just beat out 2002’s Spiderman’s eye-popping $114 a vain attempt to re-secure million opening weekend. Bibles dwindling membership in the are expected to be edited church since recent sex-abuse immediately.

Jesus has stigmata, Spiderman has scandals. ”For the church to ”It turns out we were wrong web-shooters, what’s the name Spiderman as the new difference? all along,” stated a press release son-of-God is ridiculous!” said from Vatican City. “There is only Frank “Assclown” Maxwell, one son of the Lord, thy God religious historian and avid … and it turns out he wears red comic book collector. “Did and blue tights and performs anyone see a little movie called miracles such as sticking to walls Batman? Sure it didn’t beat and lifting heavy things. He’s Spiderman’s opening weekend your friendly gross but gross numbers can be neighborhood Spiderman!” misleading. Plus, that movie ”Sure, it might seem like a didn’t have to resort to shittyradical shift,” mumbled the pope looking computer imaging. incoherently. “But I’m fucking Batman will always be the real infallible, right? Listen, maybe it is a shameless attempt to appeal Jesus has Stigmata, Spiderman has Web- son-of-God in my book.”

Shooters, what’s the difference?

“Christ is a good guy and all. to younger people but the point But do you really think he could is now kids know that God is in take on the diabolical Doctor the hiz-ouse! For shizzle! … am I saying that right? Shizzle? That doesn’t sound right.” Octopus?!” gloated Spiderman. “Who cares that you “Listen, Spiderman and Christ are actually quite can walk on water? Big fucking deal. The guy has similar,” commented Luke Davidson, spokesperson metal claws. METAL CLAWS! Magic tricks don’t for the Church. “This was deliberate to make the beat metal claws, buddy.”

Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8

Ever Since Kurt Died The Radio Only

Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12

Cover by: Michael Stanley

Plays Shitty Music What’s Shakin?

MEDIUM

CONTENTS

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor

Happy Easter Everyone!

Except you Jews.

You have a happy Passover.

Michael Stanley Ned Berke Dan Migliore Aija McKenzie Jim “Satan” Cortina Daniel Migliore Brian Dwane Jeff Buechner

Personals Editors Brian Brzezinski Ryan Beckman Photographer Tristan Ross What’s Shakin’ Editor Larry Cheng Online Editor Chris Holt Advertising Manager Michael Stanley Staff Artist Wesan Bogley Senior Editor Ryan J.L. Beckman

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is noon, Sunday. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC - Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903. This issue was checked and accepted by the Liberal, Jew-run media. Thanks for reading.

“Cancer merchant!”

Wednesday April 7th, 2004

Man Wears Same Flannel Shirt for Ten Years

By Tie Adeline New Brunswick – A local man has been found to have been wearing the same red and black flannel shirt for the past ten years. Many in the community suspect that he has been mourning for the late Kurt Cobain for that time, but none know for sure. “I think he wears that jacket because Kurt’s death so profoundly affected him, I mean, to mourn for ten years you’d have to be really distraught,” commented local airhead Lauren Hayes.

This reporter set out to find this broken shell of a man and get the real story from him. It took me nearly ten days - during which I had the good fortune to meet hundreds of New Brunswick residents, and also contract several new and exciting STDs – but I finally found him. He was napping among a fortress made of garbage cans when I first saw him. I took the liberty of buying him a cup of coffee to wake him, and approached, when he assented to the cup of coffee, I began my questioning.

“How long have you been living among the trash piles?” I asked.

“Since April 5th, 1994” came the reply.

“Ahh, the day Kurt Cobain died,” I added intelligently, “were you a big Nirvana fan?”

“I always did like ‘Lithium,’” the man assented, “my psychiatrist prescribed it to me for my depressive disorder, those were in the days before Prozac.”

“So, because of your depression, you were able to form a bond with Cobain, because his songs were so close to your heart.” I said helpfully.

“No I was just addicted to drugs, lithium especially.” The man replied.

“So, have you not been wearing that flannel for the past ten years to commemorate the death of Grunge innovator Kurt Cobain?” I asked, eager to get to the purpose of this conversation, mostly because the man smelled really fucking bad.

“Dude, I’m homeless,” came the reply, “do you think I can afford more than one shirt? I’ve worn this shirt for the past ten years because I don’t have any other, and the cops give me tickets when I walk around naked.”

You heard it here first, folks.

Ok guys, here comes the standard business. Firstly, there’s a Medium meeting tonight at 9:15 PM in LSC 111, if you’re there, you might see boobies. Secondly, if you write news articles (you do, don’t you?) send them to news@themedium.net and I’ll more than likely publish them. Thirdly check out some cool websites: www.themedium.net www.pinkeyedjim.com www.jimmysmokes.com

The Medium NEWS

NASA Finds Water on Vagina, Plans to Land Man There by 2021

By Evil Larry After spending 2 billion dollars on research, NASA’s latest probe has found wetness in the vagina. As a result of the probe’s search, particularly the mysterious “G” spot, scientists believe the vagina is capable of supporting life. Previous research pointed to evidence of moisture in the 80 year old vagina, and potential for moisture in a 10 year old vagina, but only recently has the link between the G spot, puberty, and water been found.

”This gives hope to geeks everywhere,” said one Rutgers student. ”Now that we know the vagina can be wet, geeks everywhere have hope that they can one day travel there.” It is noteworthy, however, that the common man can’t hope to get to the vagina until well after 2021. Earliest estimates place the average Joe landing on the vagina in 2069.

Some complained that the cost of getting to the vagina would be astronomical. “For years, we’ve wondered if the vagina could support life, but shouldn’t we fix problems like The Bush administration in the federal deficit, American particular is interested in Idol, or government misuse of setting up a base on the penis interns first?” said Neal Sam, in hopes that man can use it as a concerned student. Still, a launching point to the vagina.

NASA hopes to train and send ”We’re gonna get in there and give it a long-lasting 23 year old astronaut Derrick democratic governing” Bush said. ”We gotta get in there before they get us.” In the same speech, he MacMahn to the vagina first. ”We ought to be the later said, “However, it’s equally important we use first nation to reach this milestone for mankind.” said faith based initiatives in getting there.” As a result, retired astronaut Neil Armstrong. ”For years, I’ve Bush has decided to give funding to the church in prayed to see it happen, and I hope that man not be addition to NASA to research methods of traveling daunted by the extremely high cost of getting to the to the vagina. The White House press secretary vagina.” added further that techniques used in drilling the vagina can be used to drill for oil in the future.

P O R N

P O R N

World’s Weakest Man Competition Comes to the Banks of the Old Raritan Also by Pat Riot New Brunswick, NJ - In a contest marked by scandal and corruption, the First Annual Texas Instruments World’s Weakest Man Competition passed into the history books this past weekend.

Events included the Paper Clip Flick, the Calculus Bounce, Computer Science 356 lecture, the biathlon Dehydrate/Cramp and a D.A.R.E.-sponsored Speed Puking competition. As usual Rutgers University placed poorly, in some cases forgetting to register for events on their home turf. The Targum is expected to print an editorial next month in order to shed darts on this shameful matter. Nearby Princeton University’s Mall-Metal team, led by Captain Frank Lee Weesuck, placed third overall with highest honors in the Mars Rover Pornography Simulation. In second place was Stanford University’s Physics Department, aided greatly by their age and knowledge of subatomic

particle collision theory which gave them the extra push needed to knock NYU out of the Dell Dude Explosion contest. Princeton’s Economics department battered the competition and also gave rise to the weekend’s corruption by paying off the judges, causing angry Rutgers Students to think about crashing their next Modern Keynesianism Symposium, which they then pansied out on.

Athletics aside, Mayor James Cahill presided over the ribbon-cutting ceremony without taking any bribes and Police Commissioner Che Guevara arrested scores of standerby at the Grease Trucks for the crime of omnivorism. The organizers would like to thank The Olive Branch and Vanilla Ice for providing empty, empty, empty bottles that the competitors could take back home to pretend that they had a good time.

The Medium OPINIONS

“You’re giving me a right showin’ up...”

Something That Has Been Bothering Me By, Michael Stanley Editor-in-Chief

eic@themedium.net

Last semester I decided to claim that The Medium was Livingston College’s oldest student organization. This is something I was very proud of, however a Dean from Livingston College quickly came to the attack saying Livingston Liberated Gospel Choir’s was the oldest Livingston College’s student organization. If we, The Medium, hadn’t been the official paper of Livingston College way back in 1969 when the college was chartered, I wouldn’t have had a problem with the Dean’s complaint. Obviously, The Medium has changed completely into a satirical comedy paper where we entertain the entire Rutgers Community.

Wednesday April 7th, 2004

Fucking Shit Up: A Girl’s Guide

by Aija McKenzie, Opinions Editress “Not the Mama:” ending the pregnancy scares...

Ah, the transgressions of spring break. The sheer joy of getting your period is something truly priceless. There’s nothing like hearing “Al-RIGHT!!!” coming from the bathroom stall of the Douglass College Center when the girl in the next crapper discovers that she’s cheated pregnancy for yet another month. We’ve all been there, counting out days on our bullshit homemade, probably inaccurate ovulation charts (read: the tiny monthly calendar in your What’s easier to assemble, a school newspaper or a gospel choir? What do free RU day planner) to see just when we should get our periods, not you think would have been formed first at any school: the school’s newspaper to mention discovering that the very day you ovulated was the day or a group of students who sing? I don’t intend to demean the LGC but I am you decided to “take a gamble.” trying to reaffirm the fact that this newspaper is the oldest student organization And boy, did you take a gamble. Whether it’s sleeping with at Livingston College. Things would be nice if the college embraced us, things more than one guy in the same menstrual cycle, or having your 3could be better and we might be able to have a working relationship from our day sex fest right when the egg drops, you’re in trouble. Or at least parent college, Livingston College. you think you are. And you prepare for the worst two weeks or so of you life, plotting out what you’ll say, where you’ll go, and sometimes, Hey, deans all across Rutgers University, stop jonzin’ The Medium. I challenge how in the hell you’ll come up with $300+. A close friend of mine anyone at the University to prove that the Liberated Gospel Choir was founded said that 25% of pregnancies are spontaneously aborted by things before The Medium. You have until our last issue on May 5th, 2004 to prove like cigarette smoking and drinking. Cut scene to me in a bar, yourselves. shitfaced, my friends delivering blows to my uterus as they offer me cigarettes. Thanks, guys.

21 in 7 days and counting.....

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 You pray to whatever God, “pleasepleaseplease let me off 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 the hook just this last time, I promise I’ll never do (insert irresponsible 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 activity here) again,” and suddenly it gets a little old. You get tired of 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 shitting bricks when your period doesn’t come early. It’s time to get 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 serious, ladies. Preventing pregnancy is a lot easier than “curing” it, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 or seeing it through, for that matter. By the way, the Morning After 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 Pill does NOT count as birth control. It’s annoying to get, it makes 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 you sick, and every time you get it, you have to promise the lady at 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 Hurtado that you’ll be more careful next time. What, then, do you 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 do? Choose your weapon — I mean, method — of birth control. The 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 patch isn’t for hefty girls - if you’re over 150, you’re shit outta luck. I 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 hear that the shot turns you into a Psycho Hose Beast, just because 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 it’s a whole lotta chemicals that have to go into you in order to keep 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 you baby-free for months at a time. Best bet? You got it, “those blue 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 and yellow purple pills.” There’s enough of a variety for every type of 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 girl, and there’s something about controlling my own cycle that makes 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 me happy, in a Mad Scientist kinda way. When you finally make the 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 decision to stop playing with fire and end the “week before your period” jitters, you will be taking good care of yourself, AKA Fucking Shit Up.

Wanna see me drunk? Come to a Medium Meeting, tonight at 9:15, LSC 111. I can’t predict for sure what I’ll say, but it’ll prolly be damn funny.

If you’d prefer a less “handson” role in Opinions/Editorials, send your submissions to Opinions@themedium.net

Fucking Shit Up: A Response

by Breast Men

The Opinions section of last week’s issue featured an editorial by Aija, who often writes one of my favorite sections of the paper “A Girls Guide to Fucking Shit Up”. In her most recent column she criticized the recent photographs of breasts as well as other editors, contributors, and fans of The Medium and twists the simple inclusion of breasts to extremes and makes it seem like printing these pictures oppresses women instead of empowering them.

I next realized that she intentionally made things seem this way, that superficially the article was an attack on those photographs, but if you read between the lines, there’s more to the article. My first thought was simply that she was upset that she wasn’t asked to pose for the pictures.

It makes complete sense Aija is a lesbian. The focus of her writing regarded a picture that appeared in this paper, with a girl holding a dildo between her boobs. Aija wrote, “I’m all for the celebration of breasts, but when you shove a fake penis between them, it becomes something else”. Obviously she’s very mad about the inclusion of a penis, even a fake one, in the picture.

After further thought, it’s clear she had certain intentions in mind when writing the article. She used certain wording and

attacked people in just the right way, knowing she would invoke a response from others, and she was successful (hence this piece).

All Aija really wanted to result from her writing was an increase in the pictures of breasts without dildos between them. I don’t blame her for trying, breasts are amazing objects. Boobs are a dominating force in the world; in fact even with a weak economy the Girls Gone Wild videos generated over $90 Million in revenue last year alone. So after careful analysis, it seems that Aija’s article was truly a support of something I love, but this revelation does not make up for what she wrote.

I propose that the Rutgers community, if not the world, retaliate against what Aija wrote about those pictures and people.

Help celebrate women, boobs, and penis by sending in your photographs of your (or your girlfriend/roommate/etc.) boobs with a fake penis between them. Use your dildo, draw one, or use the cut-out penis included on page 8 of this paper. Use a digital camera, regular film, rest your breasts on a scanner in the computer lab, or contact me and I can take the pictures for you (recommended). Send any photos to bisbers@themedium.net Show Aija what “fucking shit up” really means.

(Hahahahaha, yes, retaliate against me and become one of the “giggling pairs of tits” I talk about - Apparently, if you don’t send in a naked picture of yourself, you’re letting the terrorists, lesbians, and consequently, me, win. - Ops. Ed.)

Wednesday, April 7th, 2004

“Damn longears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus!”

The Medium Direct Connect

The Death of Optimus Prime

by Ned Berke

The story of a server that brought together a generation. back with another thunderous, effusive cheer.

“Six minutes!” Holt shouted into the bullhorn. In just a few moments the end of an era would come.

The Birth of a Bonding Point

Monday 29th, 2004 11:45pm It’s a chilly night, a gentle breeze flowing through the gathered crowd of about one hundred people.

The steps in front of Brower, one of the free-speech zones designated by the university, is an area of good feelings and general mirth. Students, many drunk and stoned in both celebration and mourning, have gathered tonight to bear witness to the Death of Optimus Prime, the Direct Connect server that had been connecting Rutgers students in both the areas of file-sharing and social interaction. Many people have come together tonight, many meeting each other in person for the first time, only having communicated via the Optimus chat room. They greeted each other by saying things like, “Man, it sucks,” and “You think there’ll be another one up?” The grief was astounding.

A laptop was being held above the heads of the crowd by the man-like buffalo Brian McKenna. It began playing Scottish bagpipe songs, amplified by a bullhorn held through the speakers. The crowd broke out in cheers; the amplified music amplified the crowd’s togetherness.

“Ten minutes!” announced Chris Holt, a.k.a. “cheezi,” the administrator of Optimus Prime. In actuality, the server had already been shut down. The 2,200 who couldn’t make it to the ceremony but instead paid tribute online had overloaded and blown out a portion of the Rutgers network. The ceremony would continue as planned; Optimus would have wanted it that way.

A truck came down the street, blasting its rich, rushing horn at the students. The students, in the alien yellow glow of the street lights blasted

“Direct Connect wasn’t just a nerd/geek sit in your room and talk online [thing] … We wanted it to be huge. We wanted it to be so that every single student was on DC. I’d say we almost accomplished that,” said Chris Holt as we sat in his Audi, Chris cursing out Acura’s in between the intruding beeps of his radar detector.

profit-driven industry. It was the culture built around it. It was the foundation, the anchor, of a Rutgers society. “Direct Connect isn’t anonymous like the Internet is,” explains Chris. “It was on Rutgers.

Instantly you knew someone else at Rutgers is on this thing. Instantly there’s a common interest. At least with me, and a lot of people I knew, you had no problem with saying, ‘I live in this dorm and this is my name.’ No one had any problems doing that.”

Thousands of students used DC; hundreds using the chat feature to escape the banality and pressures of academia to meet, greet and discuss.

In the vast enormity of this school, where everyone seems a stranger; where in class we are identified by a catalogue of numbers and not names or personalities; where we encounter thousands of blurred faces – students

coming freshmen it’ll be a lot different.

I can tell you, people won’t make friends as easily.”

However, this year brought a new generation of students to the DC community – a generation that irked Chris and many others in the old guard.

“This year, a lot of freshman thought it was their right; that DC was supposed to be here. They didn’t really appreciate it at all. They thought, ‘I could just come on and say and do whatever the fuck I want’ and be obnoxious,” said Chris, the frustration audible in his speech. The influx of repugnant users led to Chris and many of the other moderators banning several obnoxious offenders. It was one such offender that has sparked a great controversy, and great anger amongst the Rutgers community.

“I’m just a scapegoat”

Optimus Prime went online in September of 2001 after Jason, its creator, discussed it with a few friends and decided it would be a good thing for the school to have. By the end of its first few weeks it averaged 200 users.

By the end of the semester, says Chris, it was boasting 700-800 users. After the first month, Chris took over as administrator having better technological resources. During its lifespan the server went through five or six computers, and called no less then six places – residence halls, networking closets, etc – home.

In its final three days, sitting in a dorm room in the Livingston Quads, over 7,500 users – half of the on-campus residents at Newark, Camden and NB combined - logged on to pay their respects and download before Optimus faded into the deep recesses of Rutgers lore.

To many, Direct Connect wasn’t just about file sharing. It wasn’t just a celebration of triumphant technology over a seemingly fascist,

came together knowing that at the other end of the flow of electrons through cables sat another Rutgers student, waiting to get to know you. The awesome and terrible potential only knit these students closer together. There are the DC diner nights, where a group of approximately twenty students go out to diners, or the Audi club or the anime fiends and the countless other cliques brought together by clicks.

Chris predicts that with the Death of Optimus the people who became friends will remain friends. “It was a hobby, a common interest” to a lot of people, said Chris, but it wasn’t the only reason people were friends. It was simply a “bonding point.” “If you don’t know someone you could just be like, ‘Hey, do you know about DC?’ …

It really was like an instant acquaintance type thing; an instant common interest.

Everyone liked it,” Chris said, pointing out another passing Audi. “For the

“I’m just a scapegoat,” said the tweaked out, beady-eyed freshman that asked to be identified only by his DC name, “Chaos.” After unchaining the door and letting me into his slightly unkempt room he explained further.

“You always need a scapegoat when something like this happens.” Chaos has taken the brunt of the blame for Optimus’ downfall. About a month ago, Chaos was permanently banned from DC. Shortly after, he jumped IPs, a technique where you “borrow” the ResNet IP given to another Rutgers student often to regain Internet abilities if you have gone over bandwidth limits.

IP jumping is illegal on the Rutgers network, and, if caught, results in having your Internet turned off. Chaos then contacted Chris saying that he intended to send an email to the Rutgers abuse address reporting DC - a “bluff” according to Chaos.

“I kind of got annoyed when he said that,” explained Chris. “It’s a threat and I don’t take kindly to threats. It doesn’t matter [if it’s a bluff], it’s still the fact that he said that, and I don’t

Continued on page 10...

The Medium GMG

“She eyes me like a pieces when I am weak..”

Wednesday, April 7th, 2004

A Word From Your (Features) Editor By: Dan Migliore As I sit here and write this, it is Monday, April 5th, 2004. And it’s been 10 years since Kurdt Kobain died. If you know me, you also know that I’m a huge Nirvana fan. So obviously, I spent today both listening to and playing Nirvana tunes. And as I sit here putting together this section of The Medium, I’m listening to, you guessed it, Nirvana. And this is the part where, if you know me, I’d go into a long rant about how Courtney Love had Kobain killed. But I’m not going to do that. Well, not here at least.

Because aside from my little tribute to Kobain, I feel there is something more important to discuss, the recent passing of Optimus Prime. I’m sure alot of you have been upset about it, because I know I sure got my share of music off it. And specifically, I want to target the kid who put something about Columbine in his website, along with a slew of lies. Give it up man.

Guns don’t make you cool. Niether does carrying a knife. And implying that you’re gonna shoot up the hallowed halls of Rutgers, thats not cool either. Because let’s face it, what else would you be implying? 311 said it best man, Guns are for pussies. So if you wanna say something back to me, then by all means email me a response at features@themedium.net.

Or show up to a meeting. Show me you’re a big man strapped with that gat and talking all loud.

Stalked By Lamers

By Androgynous Female For some reason, I tend to attract obsessive, pussy internet stalkers who have no better reason than to prey upon the “I’m 18 and I have a webcam!” crowd of women that are such naïve nymphomaniacs (a nice way of calling them FAT ASS INTERNETWHORES WITH NO LIVES!) that it worries me. Both these stalkers and their victims need to be seriously beaten.

This is a true story. I was hanging around mIRC, minding my own business, when this random guy messages me with “*Lameass pounces you.” Of course, this appeared to be some sort of IM fantasy roleplay, and I had my suspicions. But, needing a good laugh, I went along with the guy. He introduces himself and offers me a hand, and “then some vial slips out of his pocket.” Turns out that this guy happens to be some weirdo who liked shrinking potions. Yes, you heard me, shrinking potions! Because when you’re three inches tall, even a 4-inch dick looks big in comparison!

This man seemed to have nothing better to do than to harass me for a few hours while I was doing more “important” things (you can try and fill in what you’re thinking of here). Apparently, either he’s really into midget porn, or he enjoys tempting women with shrink potions so they can shrink out of their clothes and do some sort of BDSM thing with them to beg for the antidote. Eventually, I ignored him into giving up the chase.

Now, what I’m hoping is that this man doesn’t harass me in the future. I mean, I like some kinky stuff, and eventually getting laid is on the list of my priorities, but nothing is weirder than a man who will just, like a sexual genie, will pop up into your query window and be like “HEY! My name is Lameass! Let me shrink you out of your clothes and have freaky deaky 3 inch tall sex!” Something tells me this is karma kicking my ass for some horrible offense I did in a previous life…by giving a guy sexual fantasies of having a 3 inch tall woman crawling up his ass or some crap and sending him MY way.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to remind myself to smash that fucker over the head with a cast-iron skillet the next time he decides to mess with me.

Don’t be a lameass yourself! Stop by tonight’s Medium Meeting and talk to REAL people in REAL life. It’s this Wednesday at 9:15 in LSC Room 111. Bring me a drink, or a bowl of something, and see what I do with it!

KURDT KOBAIN FEBRUARY 20, 1967APRIL 5, 1994 “And if I was to put an end to this, we always knew it would come to this.”

“You know you’re right” Submit your writings to me! Got a drinking game you like? I’ll print it! Have a funny story about that time you hooked up with that “woman” you met in The Village Voice? I’ll take it!

Got a picture of your ex? Well, I can’t print that. But you get the idea. Just email it to Features@themedium.net. And the next time someone asks you if you’re a god, you say YES!

Beerman Presents: The Drinking Game of the Week This week, drinking to hockey!

Well, if you’re like your friendly neighborhood Beerman, you are anxiously awaiting the severe can o’ whoopass that’s going to be thrown down on the Philedelphia Faggots, er, Flyers this Thursday. So in honor of the start of hockey playoffs, here’s a drinking game for all you out there who are going to be rooting the Devils to victory. Here’s the rules: First, pick a team to root on.

Second, grab a drink (beer, mixed drinks, whatever. Since it’s hockey, Beerman suggests Labatt Blue, oh yeah!) Third, no switching teams midgame. Doing so means you have to drink triple. This is at LEAST a twoplayer game... but the more the merrier, so invite friends. During the game, you drink when your team: loses a face-off, is at home and gets booed, has an injured player, receives a minor penalty, shoots and misses a goal, has the announcer refer to your goalie by his nickname, shoots and the other team’s goalie makes a save, has had less shots on goal then the other team, and they show it on TV. Socials happen when, icing is called, the puck is knocked out of play, one of the refs is injured, “We Will Rock You” is played, a really good save is made by either goalie (use your own judgement), and when “Bullshit” is chanted by the crowd in the arena. You will do a shot when: your team has a major penalty, your team gets scored on, each overtime begins, your team loses (this is a double shot, or finish your drink). You will also drink when: the beer you are drinking is featured in a commercial, “Let’s go ____” is chanted and ____ is NOT your team, you are so drunk, you cheer for the wrong team. Enjoy, and let’s go Devils clap clap clapclapclap!

Wednesday, April 7th, 2004

“I’m gonna dip my balls in it!”

Tales of a Neo-Hippy Part 2 “I even have a beard now.”

Ok, if you missed the last installment, it’s January 3rd, it’s right after the second show, and we’re heading back to the hotel room. Me and a group of like 8 kids all spun on acid and other drugs are walking through downtown Philadelphia.

We walk past a group of big black guys (I’m a tiny white kid from suburban NJ) which normally is just like walking past anyone else, but the acid made them look 20 feet tall, and I felt like I was a foot tall. This concerned me, cause I thought they would crush me and take the $29 dollars I had left, and I totally needed that money for the next show, food, and some ride home.

Nothing happened. It was in my head, which was a relief, and then I found it to be really funny. I fell down laughing on the sidewalk, but was able to compose myself within (what felt like) a few minutes.

Get back to the room. Need cigarettes and some liquid, so me and some girl decide to find somewhere to get these supplies. Where is open at 2am? The guy in the lobby says it’s only like 2 blocks down the road, so fuck it, that’s worth the walk. 6 blocks later we get to the gas station, where there are 2 security guards and 2 cops. I need to stop laughing; I look like some dirty hippy on drugs. We get the cigarettes and forget to get drinks.

Walking back to the hotel, there was a huge explosion behind us somewhere! It was a couple blocks away and so loud, but we were on acid, so we just shrugged it off like it wasn’t really there.

Everyone in the hotel heard it too! SWEET, I’M TOTALLY NOT GOING CRAZY. In celebration of this fact we go to my friends room who has a tank and a few balloons (Nitrous) get put down. We have a beautiful view of the Ben Franklin Bridge, and I can see the expression of the people who are walking along it, probably a half-mile away. They look…tired.

We chill out and everyone falls asleep, except me and Mike, (he ate a bunch of hits too, a 10 strip maybe?) who have about 10 more hours before sleep will be an option, and we have to get to Washington D.C by then.

Around 12 we check out and get on the road. Im not tripping too hard anymore, just some burnt out feeling, but

The Medium FEaTUreS

Mike is still fucked up. He just drove through a red light, and when we asked him why, he swore it was green. I really hope we get to D.C. safe.

We drop off some people around suburban PA. Head towards Washigton D.C. for the last show of the northeast leg of the tour. Get to the hotel, words do not describe how ghetto this part of DC is. We get to the venue and Mike finds his friend with acid and we all get hooked up, but I don’t think this is going to be enough because of all the tripping in the last few days. Find some girl with molly (pure MDMA, ecstasy) and take what would equal 2 pills. I didn’t have money (only 4 dollars left after my ticket) so I traded some of the acid for pills. That was a good move.

I am feeling fucking great! The acid and E are going hand in hand, I’m talking to everyone despite the fact their faces keep swirling around. The show was going really well, a sick first set. At set break I wandered outside and ended up walking down a street with crack heads scattered about. I’ll be honest, I’m cool with most drugs, but when tripping on acid hearing people from dark ally’s saying, “Crack. Rock. I got the shit,” I get bugged out. I ran (I think, I felt like I was moving fast) back to the venue and got in and chilled out. This was a necessity, the band came back on and I forgot about my troubles. I had a really nice talk with a raver from Texas who had come up north for the tour. Good people all around me inside, but the show ends and I have to deal with the outside world again.

We (slowly, cause people on acid don’t move fast unless they are running) get to the hotel, I don’t have money but Mike has a credit card that is still technically valid. Get a room, cheap as hell because it was so deep in the ghetto. This is not comforting. We get to the room and I need to relax, so we watch the nature channel and it has flowers blooming in high speed. This is so perfect. I don’t remember much after that, but I think I got to sleep around 5am.

Wake up and we are told (not so politely) that we were supposed to check out an hour ago. Get out and on the road. Eat 4 things off the dollar menu and then pass out.

Get home and sleep for a day or two.

GO OUT AND DO DRUGS AND EXPERIENCE LIFE. So says the neo-hippy.

In order to make a smooth transition, I had to eliminate the problem factor, Diana, Nick’s girlfriend. In doing so, I followed her around, watching her every move so that I could memorize her entire schedule and routine. I noticed that she ate a Mexican salad with beans everyday for lunch, so I got a job as a cook in By: Big Boobs McGee the dining hall and planted botulism in the Mexican beans. I watched closely I come from a land far, far away where people don’t shower for days during lunch as Diana brought the fork full of beans close to her lips but SHIT! and our main staple is pork roll egg and cheese. I have the super power to All of a sudden, she dropped her fork and opted to toss her plate, choosing to eat annoy anyone who comes my way and the source of this miraculous talent raw onions instead. It was time to move to plan B. comes from the thousands of packs of cigarettes I smoke along with drinking I found Nick’s number online and invited him to my dorm room to study heavily night after night. I want to share with you, the adventures of my ongoing for our upcoming exam. He accepted and arrived around 11:30pm. I opened the journey to gain sympathy from the world for my own bad choices and gain as door wearing nothing but raggedy beige corduroy pants held together by safety much weight possible in the shortest period of time possible. But to understand pins and a purple see through bra. Before he could say a word, I offered him a my reasons for sucking up all the pity and fat in the world, you must be briefed drink and spiked it with a ton of Jack Daniels. Immediately after consumption, on my past.

Nick was drunk. I pulled down his pants and reverted back to my old ways. I I had a horrible childhood and desperately want everyone to feel sorry began by pulling his pubic hair with my teeth and chewing his balls. They tasted for me. My mother sucked stranger cock to support our family while I starved so good I wanted to swallow them whole. I tried a technique my mother told me on the streets, river dancing for spare change. At the age of fourteen, I was that men enjoyed, I put him on all fours and began to lick his asshole. We ended sent to a mental institution and from there I was sent to a food abuse program up on the floor of my room amidst a heaping pile of Easy Mac. I scooped the for consuming all of the world’s twinkies. I kept a journal during my time in the Easy Mac into my vagina and urged him to lick it up. In a drunken stupor, Nick asylum, I would cut myself daily and smear my blood all over the pages, hoping told me that he hated eating overweight pussy. I disregarded his comment and that someone would pay attention to me. Soon after, I was released and sent to scooped the pasta out of my vagina with my hand and smeared it all over my live with 300 women. This was a prime location for me to get what I needed. I face. I pushed him against the wall and deep throated his engorged penis, back got to know the girls by telling them lies about my past. I told them that I was and forth. He got so excited that he grabbed my hair and slammed my head the head cheerleader at my high school and dated all the most popular guys. All against the dresser. YES! I was doing a good job. the guys loved me and wanted me to be their trophy girlfriend. The real story I bent him over a chair and began to spread his butt cheeks, I started was that I gave the best head in my high school and the guys would line up for rubbing my vagina up against his ass like a man would do if her were fucking a their turn. I wouldn’t dare tell anyone this though, they might lose their soft spot woman from the back. I got so excited and was eager to do more, but all of a for my saga stories. Here I was, a new person with a new beginning, and so sudden, I couldn’t hold my gut in any longer, I let it loose and the safety pin that began my adventures. was holding my pants together popped off and stabbed him in the ass.

I started off the year by sabotaging a perfect relationship. I saw Nick “Aaaaahhhh! You fucking bitch! What the hell are you doing back there?” I was one day and he was gorgeous, there was only one problem, he had a girlfriend. startled, he screamed at me. I didn’t know what to do, so in an effort to think Fuck that, I’m ruthless, I was going to do whatever it took to make him mine. quickly I grabbed a pineapple from my refrigerator and… (To be continued)

The Adventures of Marshmallow Turkey Neck: Part One

The Medium ARTS

“i run with twelve gangs, and we only commit hate crimes”

Wendizzle, April 7th, 2004 arts@themedium.net

A Real Music Review !

MS Paint Reader Submission !

Cheese Love

By Some Good Aryan Stock hey lego pirate,,,,,if this is the lego pirate reading this. i think that you are since you were the one that saw lexi’s ms paint pic. any way,,,,,i’m kinda fucked up right now, so i decided to draw a picture. it is of a mouse pleasuring himself with his favorite food- cheese. i have selected swiss, so that the mouse had somewhere to stick it in. as you can see by his face, he is about to reach his climax, if not already there. the mouse is still pelvic thrusting his snack, so he is not quite there yet. i hope he doesn’t eat the cheese after he’s done!

Fennesz: “Venice” (Touch Music) Review by The Volcano Worshipper Fennesz’s 2001 album “Endless Summer” is one of the best albums of the decade so far. The disc mixed live instruments (guitars and vibraphones) and computer processing, and presented eight stunning compositions which incorporated and distorted elements of both pop music and abrasive noise. After dozens of collaborations, live discs and remixes, the proper follow-up to “Endless Summer” is here, and it’s well worth the wait. This disc mainly consists of drones composed on guitar and manipulated by computer. It’s a bit closer to ambient than “Endless Summer”, but it’s no less amazing. While there’s nothing here as memorable as the guitar riff in the title track to “Endless Summer”, the guitars are well incorporated here.

The guitars in “Circassian” sound like they could’ve been sampled from an old New Order song. This album also features the first ever vocals on a Fennesz recording, by David Sylvian, formerly of the group Japan, who sings on “Transit”. This is a very relaxing, beautiful album, and actually more accessible than “Endless Summer”. Highly recommended.

Reader Participation !

arts@themedium.net

Q Basic Art !

Instructions: 1. Cut out on dotted lines and color in your ethic preference.

2. Remove your clothing and place penis between breasts. (photographer may also remove clothing) 3. Snap a few good pictures for The Medium.

4. For inspiration, read Mr. Olive’s Opinion on Pg. 4

PERSONALS (cunt’d)

Coded Art - By A Nerd

To that girl from MW4 World of Insects that had the siezure at the beginning of the semester, thanks again! someone needs to tell those girls on CA to take more classes on Busch, we’re dying over here, the other day i actually thought a brunette was good looking !

The First reader to reply to arts@themedium.net with the correct name of what drawing is coded within this program wins something, not sure what, but something, and that’s better than nothing.

SCREEN 13 Amt% = 100 DIM XStars(Amt%) DIM YStars(Amt%) DIM CStars(Amt%) DIM DStars(Amt%) FOR Index% = 1 TO Amt% XStars(Index%) = INT(RND * 320) + 1 YStars(Index%) = INT(RND * 200) + 1 F% = INT(RND * Amt%) + 1 C% = INT(RND * 5) + 1 DStars(Index%) = C% SELECT CASE C% CASE 1: D% = 8 CASE 2: D% = 7 CASE 3: D% = 8 CASE 4: D% = 7 CASE 5: D% = 15 END SELECT IF F% < 16 THEN D% = F% CStars(Index%) = D% NEXT DO FOR X% = 1 TO Amt% PSET (XStars(X%), YStars(X%)), 0 XStars(X%) = XStars(X%) + DStars(X%) IF XStars(X%) > 320 THEN XStars(X%) = 0 YStars(X%) = INT(RND * 200) + 1 END IF PSET (XStars(X%), YStars(X%)), CStars(X%) NEXT LOOP UNTIL INKEY$ <> “”

arts@themedium.net

THE

M E D I U M

yOu NeEd mOOrE bOOb PiCs aNd biSEXual wOMeN pICs, i ReALly nEEd THat sHit oVer hERe oN dOUglas, mMM giVe iT To mE (go ahead and send in your own tits, being that you are a fine young douglass girl, represent yourself. personals@themedium.net) You guys did a great job spofing the targum last week, i loved it. Can we expect more comics spoofs like that in the future? (can we expect you to contribute a comic spoof? if so just send it in to arts@themedium.net)

Contribute To Your Arts Section !

Send contributions to arts@themedium.net

The Medium

“The grealy common is greatly invisible.”

Wednesday April 7th, 2004 PERSONALS getting fucked in the ass with- SEND PERSONALS OR DIE thank you to the parktran out the reach around is so gay people have such happy "homies" who didn't give us a september 10th music! i would go to a gay club parking ticket (very true. but let me tell you, if i could, but i'd be afraid of I was in new York city over the getting fucked in the ass getting humped by guys, that weekend and was noticing all without lube is so september would pretty much negate all the hot dog vendors around.

12th. so whats it gonna be of the good feeling from the then I realized their carts don't have bathrooms. makes you new school or old school) great gay music. think.

As you all know, Barbara Walters (oh man, i can’t believe they is the only moron who recycles are able to hold it that long. (well, besides those goddamn hip- i couldn’t make it through the day. or does that mean, oh pies). Revolt I say. When done shit....) with it, share this paper with some- To the fucktard that squealed one else by placing it on the ground on Direct Connect, I hope you get anally raped by a goat you for them. Some may call this lit- motherfucker. When I find you tering, but thats just hippie I'm gonna rip out your entrails propeganda. Don’t let the hip- and play jump rope with them you vomit filled meatsack. I pies win, hope two big black guys fuck Vera, you need to learn to i love to look at dicks online you in the eyesockets while speak English and stop saying and get horny. but i don't like you're still alive then rip off your "Oh really?" Yes, this is from the ones that have long bushy dick and stuff it up your ass!

Joe, and I fucking hate your pubes and hair growing up the Die fucker! guts. shaft. i am aslo scared of the (i donno, i got so much home(i hate vera too. he sucks.) penis without a mushroom tip work done this past week. i’d like to say thank you to To that hot personals editor. and the one that looks like it's bob saget for ruining the All the Katzenbach girls want broken where the head is world) to get with you, especially A & cocked to the side. haha. i said To Kermit, i want you to put M, so come over, we're into cocked. that lip ring in my pussy and give Beat a Hooker, Kill a cop, three-somes. me an orgasim like my boy(well, seeing that was ad- other fun shit. Go here once a friend never could. That night and is celebrating by getting naked at the medium dressed to the hot personals day for good luck you had your arm around me, i meeting tonight 9:15 LSC Room 111. editor, im surethat one was WWW.BISBERSAN.MYPIECE.COM wanted to pull down your pants for Ryan, but i’ll make sure sorry L. but he’s taken. you and give you the best head Still another 65 days left for the Olsen Twins. to my asshole roommate, april i douby-lieve. that you’ll get can have some of his juices, but you'll ever get. Love, DD he gets it) to that guy mike at 22R I want only recycled through me of Will you be my Jolly Green fools jokes are sopposed to be aids. or shot 50 times by the jokes. i can’t believe you had police. don’t matter to me, they to lactate all over your face and course.

Giant? both have the same outcome.

I want you to shower my To the lunch lady who only (i’ll give a dollar to the first her give me the herpes. send me personals or ill rape face it boys, girls poop. and asshole with your cum, while puts out two pieces of grilled person who emails me and your mother. guess what, we fart too! jen can your taking a shit in the toilet. chicken at a time when she tells me what the hell that To my fucking cock sucking probably fart louder than you.

LOVE your ho's sees me… I get all my friends means) parrot humping dinglewad of a you can’t deny it anymore.

(Mike, in case your reading, to steal chicken from you, then To those idiots, who spilled shit Math Reasoning professor. (lies!! i hate you. girls DO his screenname is I put it in tupperwear and en- on my pants at the party on Get your dick out of your ass NOT POOP and whoever jen joy numerous pieces of protein Saturday. It would be a differEasternStar028 on AIM) goodness so stop holding out ent story if maybe I spilled it, right now! And shut the fuck is, jen she’s probably fat To the big tittied woman in because you are just wasting but it happened 3 times, and up when you ask a question meaning she’s not really a Katzenbach C-Wing, i wanna and someone's trying to give girl anyway.) my time. my balls smelled like fuck your brains out. Dump you a fucking answer. How your Ohio boyfriend cuz the (don’t worry, i steal protein margaritas. I'm not complaning, would you like it if we just kept to that girl with the highschool bitches from the D-Wing want from my friends when they’re and neither was my girl but it on blabbing while you're trying boyfriend in Pennsylvania in my sleeping too.) dorm...why don't you forget still sucks it happened. you. to teach us about your fucking To that short, bangin, ripped about him and let me show you To that "racially challenged" fuck you slutgers, that was the mythical parrots (note: a mimsy guy in delta chi with the cute what a black man can work worst April fools joke ever. boy on college ave... I though borogove, for those that don't ass...how about we cut the shit with...the darker the berry the they said black guys were sup- even worse than when my boyknow, is a mythical parrot that and at your next party, let me sweeter the juice baby posed to be blessed....guess friend told me he was pregnant. had no feathers and its beak show you how it's done. your an exception to the rule... It's GAYpril and the pansies was upside down). And stop (what the fuck, send from a To that skanky ass bitch on the bitching about how we don't girls email account. i don’t (i guess this shows that ste- are blooming up more than first floor I saw you in that dress know anything and aren't get- think i wanna know...) reotypes are not always true. ever. Why don't all you flimsy on Friday night and damn....let ting, why don't you fucking what ever happened to the or they were playing an april motherfuckers go buy new sars? i was really hoping to see shoes and get out of my classes. me show you what lesbians start teaching! fools joke. got ya sucker) can do with their tongues.... (don’t you hate it that some busch campus clear out. oh to the obnoxious boy who sits If I hear one more guy say in front of me in Calc 152 "Ooh, that color looks so (bitch, you best let me watch) assholes just don’t under- well, fuckers never come out Tuesdays & Thursdays... GOOD on you," I'll kick his ass to that obnoxious indian bitch stand what being a Rutgers of their rooms anyway.

SHUT THE FUK UP NO first and thencome kick your that apparently thinks its cool student is all about. i guess (it turns out Ashton Kutcher ONE LIKES YOU. you are a ass for not doing something to play with your ringers in i’d complain about my teach- was behind the whole sars thing. it got cut but was crusty, smelly asswipe who about it in the first place. public: I could smell your ers if i went to class...) swears he knows it all, but, in To my indian roomate who cheesy clit from the other side please shave your balls and gonna be in the last episode of punk’d.) reality, you are just a poor ex- sleeps naked. Why don't you of the room... take a shower pussy. cuse for a suck-up. and I know jump over into my bed once in and then ram your annoying cell (ya know, i couldn’t have said rape is funny. rape is funny. it was YOU that farted in reci- a while. We're douglass girls, phone in your asshole you tur- it better myself. theres noth- rape is funny. espeacially when youre raping a clown. tation that day! ban wearing hoe. we can do that. ing worse than a hair vag)

LITTER!

Amanda Bynes turned 18 this past Saturday

The Medium PERSONALS

“How many woodchucks would a wood chipper chip?”

Continued from page 5...

see any reason not to believe him.”

Chaos, according to Chris, stated that, “’I have a class now, it will automatically be sent in 5 minutes.’ So I’m like, ‘You know what? That’s great, I’m going to shut your Internet off.”

Moments later, Chris called up Resnet, who he worked for at the time, and reported the IP jumping.

Regular procedure for IP jumping is that, on the first offense, when the offender calls Resnet to be reconnected they are forwarded to a senior official who then discusses the illegality of IP jumping. According to Chaos, it was during the conversation that the Resnet official looked up where he

To The Cook Twins (you know who you are) The moment i saw you i wanted to get on top of your dick and FUCK YOU REAL HARD. I wanna tag team you and your brother in the game room of the CCC! just thinking about it is making me all wet inside. Wanna take me up on my offer? One sexy bitch www.bisbersan.mypiece.com hey sars pig!! please don't copy korean music!! and any more!! world people don't know taiwan and korean has no interest about taiwan study more!! sars is made in taiwan!! (i think that got messed up in translation....)

greg the jew, i heard you like your personal. how'd you like killing gods only son you prick whooa...amber is the color of your energy...whoooa...shades of pee displayed naturally hey stan, you’re the man... the man i want to hold at night. i’ll fight nicole for you and then after i win, she can bake cookies while we make love to a clown, or seduce sock puppets.... maybe we’ll torture monkeys for no good reason or assASSinate the pres... ahh (so much of the state in there... almost enough to cover my dick and your lips with... because they’re both in the same place.)

list of people who haven’t realized that you need to send personals from eden accounts. these people are not looking for hot sexy emails from random strangers like you... really. jeffplate@hotmail.com rubackdoor@yahoo.com nya2003@hotmail.com seanl@tmail.com

Wednesday April 7th, 2004

To that girl who licked my margarita tasting balls, nice job.

Thanks to those people who spilled drinks on my lap.

To the fuck head who got DC shutdown: I don?t know who the fuck you think you are but you are a goddam motherfucking scrotum sucking piece of crusty dried up jiz jacked off by yoko-fuckingzuna into a vat of wet green shit.

Seriously though it really takes a low form of human excrement to be such a pussy about being kicked off a hub to go and ruin it for everybody else. You are one of those people who will have to spend his life giving hand-jobs for crack because you are too busy counting up erroneous injuries against you that never really occurred instead of actually having a life.

Guys like you will never ever get pussy (and probably not even cock). Hell, with the exception of the US Post Office you will probably never even be able to keep a job! I hate you! Go fuck a crab, if you can! hey ryan, why dont you make your responses make sense (hey penis face, why don’t you make your bologne feet eat your face when you’re stuck on an island with no food) nuke waste was- well i don’t really remember, but when i woke up my clothes had puke on them

connected to with his IPs and “forced” Chaos to inform him about it. Several weeks later, roughly fifteen of the top filesharers were called into the Dean’s office for a meeting.

During the meeting the school made clear that, although no punishment would be given out, Optimus had to be shut down the following Monday.

it sounded weird, but added once again, “It’s not my site.”

Yet, even if the site is his, and whether or not he told the senior official at Resnet about DC, none of this means that he is responsible for reporting it. The Dean has stated that it was an email that tipped them off, and no one will ever be able to prove whether No one will ever know or not Chaos was responsible if Chaos is the person to blame for that. for reporting DC, but the Dean, according to Chaos, stated that 11:57pm it was a student, and that it was From atop the steps in reported via email. However, front of Brower Dining Hall, in an email to Chris, the school Holt stood over the laptop. made clear that searching for the offender would be a “witch Close friends, DC acolytes hunt,” and that “none of [those and reporters stood around being blamed] actually had him. In front of him the mass anything to do with the of students stood, getting as University learning about close as possible. Some were holding each other and [DC].” waited, tense. Others were Despite all this, there smiling and laughing, are many things about Chaos’ enjoying the company of story that are suspicious. For friends, new and old, virtual instance, the senior official at and real. Others were just Resnet who spoke to Chaos drunk and stoned, goofy about IP jumping said, under the grins crossing their faces. condition of anonymity, Direct At 11:59pm Chris Connect never came up during Holt held up the bullhorn and conversation. He added that He many members of Resnet spoke once more. thanked everyone for coming knew of Optimus’ existence but saw no need for action unless out and for their support. He a complaint was filed. thanked them for making Furthermore, he denied looking Optimus one of the best things up where Chaos had connected at Rutgers, if not the best. to, saying, “That has nothing to With remorse, he announced do with it.” After asking Chaos the Death of Optimus Prime. about this contradiction, I He paused for a minute and pictured him crying out to the turned around to call over Avril Lavigne posters adorning Marvel Saint Victor. At Chris’ his wall, “Why do you have to beckoning, he came to the top go and make things so of the steps, trumpet in hand. complicated?” but instead he He raised it to his lips, and reversed his statement, saying, the long, somber, drawn out “If that’s what I said, I was notes of Taps played. The crowd stood, the breeze completely wrong.” blowing, the students paying Another statement their respects. As the last made by Chaos also raised woebegone, pensive note suspicion. A website appeared blasted from the horn, the on geocities that claimed to be hundreds of students cheered, written by Chaos. The website sounding as if thousands. described the exact defense The last rays of a splendid that Chaos stated to me. It also Sun had set on Optimus said that, “I’m carrying a knife Prime, ending the era that and convinced RU and the for many had made the RUPD to allow me to have a treacherous world of gun on campus.” Further down the page there was one word academia a little more that said so much to so many – comforting. “columbine.” Chaos denies “There will always be ownership of the website, but a more servers,” Chris said to single quote suggests otherwise. The quote, a reporters afterwards, “but message from Chris stating that there will never be anything he didn’t blame Chaos and that as good as what we had.” he had tried to stop all rumors that said otherwise, appeared. ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ This quote, according to Chris, was only sent to Chaos and he was the only one who knew UT !

O about it. When asked how a K COM C .

E quote that was only sent to him CH HUB ended up on a webpage he DC didn’t own, Chaos admitted that RU

“The grealy common is greatly invisible.”

Wednesday April 7th, 2004 to that asshole walking around the college ave computer lab with a black and mild in his mouth, what the fuck? are you some goddamn moron. i think your mother needs to have an abortion right now, even if that means stabbing you in the eye with the sharp broken end of a plastic hanger.

I don't rem. much what happened on thur. party but what i do rem was seeing tits, pussy, liquor, and trees. Hope to come to the next party in the hood.thanx big muthafuckn Mo (bitch tits... the kind you grow when the body ups its estrogen levels and leaves you looking like meatloaf)

All gays should die twice: 1st Name: Debbie Age: 22 Comfrom AIDS 2nd from a beating ments: fuck machine Debbie (way to go asshole... it’s ig- had never had sex on camera norant kid cuddlers like this before we found her. She was kid that end up being presi- a little shy but willing to try anydent and making the entire thing. We warmed her up with a few drinks and turned her world hate our country....) loose. This dynamo fucked Dear Double, You're hot and I everyone in the room! Double love You. Love ScarfNarfer.

Penetration! Multiple Facials! (love you in the jeep liberty) You name it!

To my friend involved in the (so was that a porn ad, or foul, wretched love: You'd be just a description of any girl better off tying a turd to string when she comes to rutgers) and carrying it around your to that girl i met at gamma at neck. the end of the summer/start of (that makes me wonder if the school year, you never got he’s dating my ex) back to me. i guess it’s no dick once i ate a turtle and then when for you. i shit, only the shell came out To that girl Stefanie on this livingston beauty didn't realize that I left my webcam Guilden.. you think you're the on while she preformed for me... http:// shit and I gotta tell you...you p o s t a r c h i v e s . e n t e n s i t y . n e t / 0 3 0 4 0 4 / are. media.php?media=milkshake.wmv (hey... i think i met that girl... (i didn’t know girls could be so flexible... I have a class with she’s supercool inded. what this girl... maybe i’ll see if she wnats to “study” together) if i tell her she’s the shit first?)

SAME THING YOU DO NOW...

HERPES AND AIDS... AND A SMALL PENIS.

THAT ‘THING’ IS MY VAGINA...

WAIT YOU MEAN MY SON?

Send Personals to Personals@themedium.net Is that porn?

To the Professors who think it's a blast to keep teaching well after the period ends:GET A FUCKING LIFE!Do you really have nothing better to do than lecturing all fuckin' day?Or do you just get off on keeping your students from getting to their next classeson time, you sick fucks?You're wasting all of our time along with yours.When people start packing their shit up, they're not being rude; it's because theFUCKING period is over.That is not your fuckin' queue to start another problem.Maybe if you were to spend some of the shit-load of money you make and buy a GODDAMNwatch, and then, oh I don't know, maybe look at it every once and a fuckin' while,you would know that the fucking period was fucking over.And even if that's not reasonable, when half the class gets pissed off and stormsout, THAT'S A FUCKING SIGNAL THAT CLASS HAS BEEN OVER FOR AT LEAST 10 MIN.SO STOP FUCKING LECTURING LIKE A DUMBASS AND WAIT FOR NEXT CLASS. (holy crap, you could actually read the vein popping out of this kid’s neck... you need to chill man... smoke some pot or something)

To those motherfucking dyke cunts from Sigma Kappa, I hope that all of you fucking shitstains are soon wiped off the face of the earth. You are honestly a cancer to this goddamned planet and nothing would make me happier than if you bitches choked on your own dirty used tampons. I pray every night that God sees what a group of dumb and useless fucking pieces of shit that you all are and strikes you all retarded in the middle of a crowded intersection. And for that dumb bitch Double penetration who gave me crabs, nothing would make me happier then to see you bleeding from the Vagina. Fuck you all.

I wouldn't stick it in that rotten cheese factory with a stolen dick. (dude... she bleeds from the vagina once a month... unless she gets pregnant often... in which case it’s only when she gets an abortion... oh no i didn’t.)

To the party on thursday in the ghetto. That was one of the hottest parties ever. Where else can you go to a party and have more girls than guys that was hotter than any of those frat parties.

Great party Rom...Happy birthday Steve and Mo (i refuse to believe that anything could ever be ‘hotter’ than a frat party... other than having some aids infested hooker shit on my face or a rabid koala tear my nuts off, rip my eyes out and jam my testicles in my ocular cavities)

Maybe I’ll just squeeze your cumrag into a cup

Is it wrong that my sister made me cum by saying that?

sex

i’d just like to say that i’m sorry to the girl who i gave hickeys to in the shape of my name. i know you have a boyfriend and i knew you were seeing him the next day. i just hope you sobered up enough to realize my To the asshole(s) who killed name was spelled out across Optimus Prime (excluding your thighs in big black bruises Megatron): You suck. If you're (man, what are we, in high how the fuck can it be time to so damn concerned with pi- school, you need to leave graduate? it feels like only yespersonal racy in the digital age, try this teeth marks or get nail terday i banged my first rutGirl and now i may never little number while marks... amateur) need to worry cleansweeping copy-righted so much abmaterial laden hard drives: 1. having Hold loaded pistol in right unpro hand. 2. Hold Windows XP tect CD in left hand. 3. Place pistol ed be a good kid and send your in mouth. 4. Double-Click. Or go get herpes and cancer in mommy some personals yo camRon... where the fuck your mouths and asses, and die have you been? i mean, leave slow painful deaths.-B.D. Joe bridget at home, but feel free (i think it’ll be hard to get to drop by and say hi again. that second click after the lick my love pump bullet goes through the head (i’m sure most of you per- but... maybe they’re even verts think that means faster at clicking than ‘want’, but i think it means fucking... given the amount heart... because love is of practice they’ve had with blood... and i want to spread porn in comparison to actual your love all over my wind- sex... wait, wasn’t i talking about a gun? shield) “I love this country, I pay him for sex (you are so i have a fork story for you jeep wrangler and he goes to jail.” wrong)

Oh sis, only if it turns you on.

To the black fuckers who live upstairs: SHUT THE FUCK UP! My roommates and I are sick and fuckin' tired of you blasting music 24 hours a day.

Go to fuckin' class for once you worthless pieces of shit!

Maybe some human interaction will make you realize that you are the BIGGEST wastes of space on the FUCKING planet. And another thing: STOP JUMPING ROPE AT 4 IN THE MORNING! I know you fat fucks want to get in shape, but why don't you use some of the fuckin' time you spend blasting Jay-Z's Black Album like it's still the hot shit and go to the fuckin' gym like normal people. Who the FUCK jumps rope anyway?

DAMN! (watch your mouth fool, i’ll rock you in double dutch and then... well... i guess i have nowhere to go with this....)

The Medium PERSONALS

The Medium

“I will often think of you when I am in less than pants. - Antonio”

WHAT’S SHAKIN’

Wednesday April 7th, 2004

April Fools Day, to some just another day closer to their inevitable escape from tedium, an embrace of cold steel again their temple until they drink enough courage to pull, to others, an excuse to be a legitimate asshole. But some people don’t get these things called “jokes” and are baffled when someone tries to pull a mass practical joke. They think something is wrong and that they are the first ones to point it out to you, but inside you are thinking that they are a major tool. Take, for instance, Maddox of http://maddox.xmission.com.

He decided to put up an April Fools, and a whole lot of people didn’t get it. So what’s the point of this day if no one, ever, gets the joke? “.... and then Mr. Sun decided to do a little mounting of his own.”

Clown Orgy!

Pony Seduction!

Music Wed, 4/7 - Ben Kweller at Irving Plaza, New York, NY Thurs, 4/8 - Death Cab for Cutie at Irving Plaza, New York, NY Thurs, 4/8 - Sugar Ray at B.B. King Blues Club & Grill, New York, NY Fri, 4/9 - Method Man at The Greenroom at Sawmill, Seaside Park, NJ Fri, 4/9 - Sevendust w/ Cold, Apartment 26, Atomship at Starland Ballroom, Sayreville, NJ Fri, 4/9 - The Whilring Dervishes at Harry’s Roadhouse, Asbury Park, NJ Sat, 4/10 - WRSU FEST: Drop The Lime, The Zambonis, and more at Rutgers Student Center MPR, 1 guest per Rutgers ID Sat, 4/10 - Beyonce, Alicia Keys and Missy Elliott at Nassau Coliseum, Uniondale, NY Sat, 4/10 Britney Spears at Continental Arena, East Rutherford, NJ Sat, 4/10 - The Psychedelic Furs and The Alarm at Starland Ballroom, Sayreville, NJ Mon, 4/12 - Thursday w/ Poison The Well, Enginedown and Spitalfield at Starland Ballroom, Sayreville, NJ Mon, 4/12 - Slipknot with Fear Factory and Chimaira at Roseland Ballroom, New York, NY

Rutgers Electronic Music Club Presents: Sat, 4/24: 7pm-12 @ The Red Lion Cafe House, Breaks, Techno, D &B, and Hip Hop

FREE!

Event of the Week?

Britney Spears...(I am whole heartedly against this listing, but the picture is too hot no to show)

On Sale Now: HIM at Starland on 5/17 Nelly Furtado at Count Basie Theatre on 5/6

Others Fri, 4/9 - New Jersey Film Festival Spring 2004: “To Be and To Have” at Scott Hall Fri, 4/9 - “The Crucible” at Livingston Student Center Thurs, 4/8 to Sat, 4/10 - Ralph Harris at Stress Factory, New Brunswick, NJ Fri, 4/9 to Sat, 4/10 - Otto and George at Bananas Comedy Club Hasbrouck HTS, Hasbrouck HTS, NJ Fri, 4/9 to Sun, 4/11 - Bill Bellamy at Caroline’s, Broadway, NY

... I hate all you fuckers