04/11/01

The Brian Setzer Weekly of Assassinated Prophets

Former President Alan Alda enjoys firing off a few rounds at Stray Cats.

Do you?

Wednesday, April 11th, 2001

“We're gonna rock ‘til we pop; we're gonna roll ‘til we drop.”

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Volume XXXII Number 21

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fn or

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fnord I Shot Jesus Christ. I Shot Jesus Christ. I Shot Jesus Christ. I Shot Jesus Christ. I Shot Jesus Christ. I Shot Jesus Christ. I Shot Jesus Christ. I Shot Jesus Christ. I Shot Jesus Christ. I Shot Jesus Christ. I Shot Andy Christ. I Shot Jesus Warhol. I Shot Andy Warhol.

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4/9/01, 11:55 PM

EDITORIALS

When I hear a solo, I think of a duet.

Wednesday, April 11th, 2001

I m Insecure About My Penis Size and It Shows

About The Cover

by LO KEY

By Christopher Taylor

[Ed note: This title was not the original title submitted to me but I think it more accurately describes the piece (which is highly unentertaining but fun to make fun of!)]

When searching for images of the Last Supper (the Seder at which Listen up everyone. [Medium Fun Fact: You can always tell someone has something truly intelligent to say when they start their article off with “Listen up everyone.” -- Ops Ed.] First off, my name is Lo Key. Jesus confronted Judas, leading to And thatz how its gonna stay. [... and I’m too cool to pluralize with S’s!] I just have some shit to vent his ultimate demise), I came upon about this shit hole known as Rutgers. I gotta hate of these fucking professors who lecture all class this ancient National Rifle Associa- about themselves. [specialy dose stoopid inglish proffessorz] Take this certain psychology professor, tion painting by Giotto, containing we will call him [im an idiot]. [im an idiot] lovez to talk about himself. One lecture class he spoke about such arms promoters as former having a dick swinging in his face. What kind of shit is that? Itz not that I really wanna learn about presidents Andy Jackson, Ron psych, its just i gotta better shit to be doing early in the morning than listen to this man speak about dicks.

And on top of that, I don’t give a shit that you lost your election for a certain local town’s school board.

Reagan and Ted Nugent and the I would rather be watching a fucking chick flick than listening to your monotone speaking voice. So I parter of the Red Sea himself, Chuck understand why no one would vote for your boring ass. [Instead of telling you off directly I will write a Heston. The presence of many of stupid rant you will probably never see and use bad english. I’m so clever. tee hee] I also understand the Apostles (and the lack of an how people can fall asleep during your lectures. And these reality impaired, sexually extroverted, repetiempty seat for the ever-footloose cir- tive Rutgers girls are fucking wonderful. (For you dumb bitches, i mean airheaded nagging sluts) I have cumcision overseer Elijah) led me to to admit, many of you give great head. But there is no chance in fucking hell that I would think of touching your dirty ass snatches. I know this story of some Rutgerz girl telling her boyfriend to put duck believe that even at the turn of the sauce on her pussy when he told her she smelled like rotten eggs. I’m just gonna leave it at that for now.

Era, the religion hating "Religious Until next time, keep hating ...

Right" was in bed with the gun-toters.

Not pictured: the

by Stan Domaniewski Pharisees that lost their children to fire- Dam, it's been a while since I wrote a rant in here. But since it's my last semester here I figured that I could piss off a couple of people and get away with it. Here are some tips for people at Rutgers. Most of you know these, but for those of you arms accidents.

Put This in Your Pipe and Smoke it.

who don't you can educate yourself.

COME TO A MEDIUM MEETING! Wednesday, 9:30pm, Livingston Student Center Rm. 113

1. Don't buy a paking permit! It's a rip off and most of the time you can't find a parking space anyway in the daytime. Park at the park 3 streets up on the left from the college ave. deck. The sign may say 2 hours, but I've never gotten a ticket. I usually leave my car there all day and nothing happens.

2. Don't get the 200+ meal plan. It's a waste of money as well. That is unless you are fat or really like shitty food.

3. Laugh at the crazy Preacher when he comes around (Brother something or other). [STEVE, whoremonger. -- Ops. Ed.] Say you're a slut and he will spit on you or slap you. Push him around a bit or fake seizures if you like. "You will burn in hell firrrrrrrreeee!"

4. Under 21= Frat Parties or one bar on hamilton street that shall remain nameless. [coughHamiltonInncough -- Ops. Ed.] 5. Never plan one class on one campus and then another on a different campus right after. You will not get there. Don't try to con yourself into thinking that you will.

6. Never get new books if you can avoid it.

7. First Class Notes kicks ass.

8. 30% of the women at Rutgers do not have an STD like health services reported last year. It's probably much higher actually.

9. Ladies: use a dental dam! It's fun.

10. Take an Expos. 1 or 2 equivolent mother fucker! I failed that shit and so will you!

11. Any class that is hard in the fall or spring will be cake in the summer.

12. Don't take any classes earlier than 9:50. You will not wake up tool! [why would you wanna wake up tool? -- Ops. Ed.] 13. Become friends with your RA, even if they are fat,ugly or disgusting. This is the best investment you will ever make.

14. Floor whores! Use them to max!

15. Don't be a high and mighty tool/prick/bitch. Highschool is over asshole.

That is all. Hope you can use my advice.

Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7

targum sargum strgum strgum fabio stupum

Page 8 Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12

Cover by: Chris Taylor

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stupim stupid satpid satan What’s Shakin’

THE

MEDIUM

Ingredients

fnord

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor

Christopher Taylor Jay Postelnik Jessica Chandra Chris DeSarno Martin Babitz Mike Ryan Amanda Hoffman

Personals Editors What’s Shakin’ Editor Online Editor Advertising Manager Senior Editor Faculty Advisor

Rachel Beckman Ryan Beckman Michelle Salvaggio Mike Molino Amy Groark Amanda Hoffman Jeff Buechner

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903 or emailed to naziphallus@hotmail.com. Our phone number is (732) 373-7085. cootys rat semen

4/10/01, 12:48 AM

What if you couldn t find out the scores to last night s Rutgers game?

OPINIONS

I like faggy guys. -- my girlfriend

Wednesday, April 11th, 2001

The Medium presents ...

BOYS GONE WILD !!

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Submit to desarnoc@eden.rutgers.edu

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Operators are standing by ...

I Support Fraternities (I'm No Homophobe)

by Chris DeSarno

My ath thill hurths from latht night!

. . . steFar too often are fraternities characterized in today's Remember society by the reotype of the drunken muscle-bound date rapist whose feeble one-track brain can only ponder two questions: "How can I get more pussy?" and "How can I drink more watered down beer?" This stereotype has no basis in reality. The truth is having sex with girls is usually the last thing on a fratboy's mind. And even though it is true that most frat boys do enjoy the occasional plastic cup of natty ice, the image of the beer-guzzling frat boy is one which is greatly overblown.

Membership in a fraternity is a life-long experience that helps its members develop social, organizational, and study skills during college. Fraternities also teach true, everlasting friendship ... friendship with other males. Most fratboys have many, many male companions … and there is nothing wrong with having many close friends who you can tell your deepest darkest fears, desires and "tendencies" to and who are also male.

It seems that society holds the popular opinion that anyone who would join such an organization must be below average intelligence and in need of a group identity to validate their conformist existence. This couldn't be further from the truth. Most fratboys are actually very intelligent individuals. As a matter of fact, fraternities have a long tradition of high academic achievement. If a fratboy isn't participating in some theatrical production or being sensitive in front of a girl you can bet that he's hard at work studying.

They’re watching you If I have not yet convinced you that the stereotype is untrue then let me tell you that many notable celebrities joined frats in college. This prestigious list includes Nathan Lane, Rupert Everett, and many, many child sitcom actors. Next time you question the importance of frats in our society I want you to ask yourself where this world would we be without the comedy stylings of Andy Dick.

In closing I would hope that no one holds any prejudice towards a fratboy or the members of his frat, who he affectionately refers to as "brothers." For they are productive members of society … more so than most people. And besides their cheery optimism and joyous, gay outlook on life, they are just like you or I.

I d love it if you had pictures of boys being spanked ...

-- Girl on Top of The Caellian referring to The Medium

Would you like to participate in the creation of a new entertainment ‘zine geared towards exploring the power of the written word through bizarre experimental writing? ...

Then please send submissions/prose/poetry/rants/ravings to: NECKBEARDS@HOTMAIL.COM

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4/10/01, 12:53 AM

NEWS

I dreamed that I was being attacked by Isz from The Maxx.

Jesus Attacks China Smites Slanty-Eyed Foreign Devils for Practicing “Un-American Values.”

BEIJING, CHINA—In a move that has Americans applauding, and non-Americans absolutely shitting in their pants, Jesus came out vigorously for the USA yesterday, with a smiting of mainland China that could only be described as “biblical.” The Son devastated the red Chinese’s advanced military, through a heavy barrage of smitings, causing at times: citizens to begin bleeding from all orifices, a plague of locusts, poverty, boils, and a hip remake of their story starring hottie Kirsten Dunst.

“Kirsten and I go way back,” said Jesus, speaking from his home in Burbank, Ca. “She expressed interest in the part, because it was horrifying, bizarre, and would feature the new hit song from Shaggy on it’s soundtrack. So whatever, I had to go do that, decimating the non-believers and all… they were in our way, and evil to the core. ” Americans expressed extreme pride in having the deity respond to the bizarre actions of the foreigners, though a rain of fire. “Whooo! Yeah! Don’t let anyone tell you that the US fuckin’ A isn’t the best nation on Earth or wherever, cause we got freedom of speech, rights to bear arms and shit, and Jesus. Jesus, dude,” responded Robert Caruso, of Flatbush, NY. When asked about what exactly China did to invoke such wrath, Caruso stated “Are you fuckin’ kidding me?

They are the opposite of us, like a battery has a positive and negative side.

Since I know we’re the positive, they gotta be the bad guys. Whooo, USA! One unlikely dissenter is the GOP, who most thought would respond jubilantly to the news that Jesus is an American. News from around the White House places Bush aides in a furor, due to this event’s effective ending of any airborne missile threat. “How’m I going to pitch my laser plan to people? By people, of course, I mean American people, not the Chinese. We need to find a way to pitch my plan for laser defense of the country, but without a threat, I can’t not stop people from wanting to stop us makin’ it. But, the people have spoken, and I understand their American voice clear,” pouted President Bush in a strangely candid moment.

Jesus himself though, has no plans to stop his reign of justice against those who would practice un-American activity. Next on his “People to Smite” list is Black people, for their not disappearing fast enough, Germany, for being rich and not American, and anyone who isn’t in some way affiliated with AOL Time Warner.

[--- I wrote this, so if it sucks, fuck you. -News Ed.] Absolutely Fucking Huge Submission, So Much So That I had to Cut it Down and Still Put it on the Opposite Page Section:

Eye on Rutgers - April 3rd, 2001 (Part 1)

by Mark Ryan

Woodbridge mayor Jim McGreevey recently addressed an American Studies class on New Jersey as a Culture.

McGreevey said that he loves that New Jerseyans are connected to traditional ways of life, including their faiths, heritages, and ethnicities. The mayor pointed out that the culture of New Jersey is a product of the places immigrants left to come here - desolate wastelands.

J ean Elshtain, a fellow at Princeton

McGreevey related an amusing story of attending a social gathering with the Russian community in White River, which required taking shots of vodka at 11 AM on a Saturday. He added -- no, wait, I'm sorry. That was his story of his first visit to Rutgers.

Elshtain claimed to be optimistic about America, in spite of an environment she characterized as overly individualistic and apathetic. In a related story, RU Students for Social Equality will be.... ah who gives a crap, I wanna get out of here in time for Dharma and Greg.

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University's Institute for Advanced Study, addressed students on the Douglass Campus last Tuesday on the relationship between religion and civic culture. She said the spirit of America's social contract has always possessed a symbiotic relationship with religious values. I agree with her on that for the most part, but what I think she meant to say is that Spiderman possessed a symbiotic relationship with Venom.

Wednesday, April 11-ish, 2001

Gravity to Fatso: You've Gone too Far

By Staff Infection, Chris DeSarno NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ - In an unprecedented action Gravity, mystical physical force and destroyer of perky breasts everywhere, has given in to a lost cause, and decided to stop keeping New Brunswick resident Peter Sanchez firmly planted on the ground.

According to eyewitnesses Peter “Dirty” Sanchez, 302 pounds, was ordering his lunch from Kentucky Fried Chicken when "all of a sudden the fat ass starts floating towards the ceiling."

Sanchez continued levitating until he crashed through the ceiling.

Fatasses love Pac-Man Cereal.

"Yo, I had enough of that fat fuck." said Gravity.

"Why should I keep working when this pig keeps shoveling food into his mouth making my job harder and harder... so I decided to make an example of that fat tub of lard and just let go of him. Next is the entire Rutgers band if they don't get some Jenny Craig. I mean, god damn, will someone please throw them a Thigh Master or something." "..." said Charlie the mute, who witnessed the event.

"I don't think this article makes much sense." said Chris DeSarno, the author of this article who then shrugged and left to get a beer.

Sanchez was last seen floating towards Venus. He is presumed dead.

Remember: Don’t Trust Communists!!!!!!!

Students Suggest More Improvements by a slightly orange Troy Crowder, Medium staff

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Excited and pleased with current campus renovations, Rutgers students have 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 begun to make more suggestions for campus improvements.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 "I love that big pile of dirt by Bishop House, it reminds me of my home back in 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Camden," said RC junior Elaine Thigh. "Now, what they need to do next is to dig 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 up the intersection of Easton and Somerset."

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 University officials were very pleased with the reaction. "It's gratifying to know 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 our hard work planning these situations out is appreciated," said Bob Tool, vice123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 director of University Facilities Maintenance and Operations. "I was very proud 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 of our plan to overlap some construction with last Fall's move-in day and the 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 recent problems with swipe cards were a great success."

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 "I dig that gas coming out near the Rutgers Student Center," said psychology 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 major Mitchell Fist. "It's sorta like the bowels of hell have opened up, and it's 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 cool cause it reminds me of a Judas Priest concert I went to back in the 80s. I 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 don't get it, though, cause they say it's not harmful and we still have to stay back.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Whatever, cool with me. I hope that they'll tear out one of the walls of Kirkpatrick 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Chapel, that building needs some holes in it."

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 However, some students don't care for the recent renovations, claiming they take 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 away from their enjoyment of their stay at Rutgers.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 "This is really horrible what they're doing to the campus' general appearance.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 First, they build the Nichols Apartments, then they cover the Voorhees Chapel 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 with scaffolding, now these gaping holes in the ground. Don't they want this 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 place to attract people by its appearance? It's not like they care about scholastic 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 qualities."

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 For the most part, students are happy with the new work. According to history 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 major Fred Bent, "the gas leak in the College Avenue gym a couple weeks ago 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 was fun! Next, they should have a power outage in the ARC Computer lab 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 around Finals time. That'd really rock!"

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4/10/01, 1:59 AM

Wednesday, April 11, 2001

NEWS

Protestant... by religion.

New Art Film To Begin Casting At University Female Student Body Invited to Audition for Buzzed About Film

By Brian Benson Any young University students who have been bitten by the acting bug should come out to the Douglass college student center Saturday at 2 PM. Brutal Assault Productions will be holding open auditions for the female leadin their new "art" film "Love Me With Your Blade, Part 2" The film is the sequel to the 1999 controversial underground hit, "Love MeWith Your Blade," which was banned in 47.5 states. The movie is the story ofa large chested young woman and her relationship IX 5Xwith a "zany" leather claddrifter R T A with a cutlery fetish. TheFfilm's I IC producers would not offer any explanation T R I for what happened D to the original movies female star, but they said they are excited to use Rutger's talent in the sequel.

Controversy is nothing new to Brutal Assault Productions, their hits "Dismember Me Fondly" and "Bloody Prostitute Diaries" have both drawn criticism and federal investigations, yet they sell millions of copies in the underground hard-core "art" film market.

So aroused... yet so ashamed... --BC

Actresses interested in trying out for the new film should be between 18 and 22, large chested, and not tell loved ones where they are going.

Womanwith no relatives or martial arts training are preferred, and a high threshold for pain is a plus. Brutal Assault Productions also would like to remind the ladies auditioning that if you are in any way connected to law enforcement the whole film is a "big joke."

Paper and Rock Sign Treaty, Scissors AWOL

By Edgar Mudd GENEVA–A peace treaty was signed today by two of earth’s most bitter rivals, Paper and Rock. This truce calls to an end a battle that has lasted for hundreds, maybe thousands, of years.

When reached for comment, Paper, a devout Protestant by religion announced his grief: “After all these years, I forgot why we were fighting in the first place. Why does Paper have to beat Rock? Why can’t we just work together?” Rock, obviously exhausted yet relieved, added “I think I can be useful in a paper weight situation, and also serve as protection against Scissors.”

Scissors, who was expected to attend the signing ceremony, is currently nowhere to be found. Rock’s long time friend, Dirt, believed that Scissors was ‘hiding like a red-headed coward’. “He is still in denial, he cant see that times are changing. There is no choice for him but to sign the treaty, but he will figure that out next time he attacks Paper and sees Rock beside him.”

Sources expect Scissors to join alliances with Chisel, with hopes of settling the score with the newly founded Paper-Rock powerhouse.

The Medium’s Guide to Cleanliness: Proper Disposal of Clean Items

MEATOUT 2001, a grassroots campaign to promote the vegetarian Our top story this week, in an ordeal of Bacchic lifestyle began last month. Some University students have spoken out self-destruction that could only be organized about how Rutgers dining halls are

by Rutgers Greek organizations, over 180 not always supportive of these students danced for 32 hours last weekend, raising 71 thousand dollars for children's medical choices. Rutgers College first-year charities in New Brunswick. One Rutgers College student Robin Hickey commented, [quote] "There have been times when junior who participated said she was dancing because [quote] "it's for a good cause and one of I have found meat in dishes clearly my good friends passed away from leukemia this labeled vegetarian orvegan." Dining Services officials stressed that this is year." Well of course - if one of MY good unavoidable, since such dishes are friends died of leukemia I'd be dancing too! made from real vegans.

Most of Eye On Rutgers, Continued

University President Francis Lawrence testified before a House of Representatives Subcommittee on Thursday requesting an additional 900 million dollars in federal aid. Don't worry, however, all the money he requested was for science and technology research, so don't worry that your classes will be overfunded next year.

Mark Ryan is not to be confused with Mike Ryan, as seen above.

5-N2-4-11-01.p65

1

2 Poop.

Editors in a non-homoerotic, yet playful bath together.

1

Tub full of soap, bloody discharge, lye, and water.

Copy of Nirvana’s Bleach

Rutgers College first-year student Erin Andreotta said, [quote] "There are so few choices offered for vegetarians.... Brower pretty much puts you in a corner and makes you eat a lot of pasta." A spokesperson for Dining Services responded to these allegations by saying, [quote] "Get back in your corner and eat your pasta."

Gallon of Murphy Brown and Ammonia. Mix. Most importantly, send your grimy articles to Prometus@hotmail.com

"Eye on Rutgers" can be heard on 88.7 WRSU-FM's "Non-Productive", Tuesday nights 7-8 PM.

4/10/01, 2:03 AM

GMG

My middle nut itches.

Get Lost, Billitt!

The Medium Sports Corner with Troy Crowder

So, it seems that little Todd Billet is gonna run away from Rutgers to find some better place to put his weak-ass game on the floor. Well, good riddance, I say. Our Tigers don t need quitters like him, especially with our great new coach! Let s just see if Odd Bullshit gets any playing time at another school, unless he s heading to Division II. We ll have the last laugh when we re back in the tournament in a couple of years!

And on the subject of good riddance, so long to lame-o basketball coach Kevin Baboon. What a flake. And what s with this million bucks they re giving him for getting fired? Why can t they give just a little money to the ice hockey team, who get no school money at all and have to pay their own way. All the other Big East schools pay for their ice hockey teams and stupid Atheletic Director Bob MulGAYhey won t even spot them a sawbuck to buy a Don Cherry video.

Now that football and basketball are over, we re sort of in a bind, sports fans. You know that we ve got a great baseball team, but admit it, you don t even have a clue where they play. Yeah, we have to find other sports we can check out, like field hockey and tennis (tennis???). Well, I know a sport we should get more involved in: lawn darts. C mon you remember them from back in the day, some fools had some accidents but with violence in pro wrestling and the XFL at an all-time high, it s time for lawn darts to come back with a vengeance. Who s up for full-contact lawn darts? I ll take ya all on!!!

Go Teams!

[I have no idea who any of these people are. --Features Ed.]

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by Sunday Thursday 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 Oh the sundry horizon dips up and down.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 We all gather around or at least we used to.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 Can you buy me that toy for free?

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 You wouldn’t have to pay at all.

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123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 I see them red and swollen.

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123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 Wa-ang! Wang Chung I cry in my sleep.

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123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 Frozen or fresh or made into juice 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 Strawberries are a passionate fruit 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 Grown on bushes, close to the ground 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 They remind me of summer and Billy McBruit 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 I met him in the summer in a strawberry field 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 His sunburned skin was glistening with sweat 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 Like the fresh strawberries we took from the earth, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 It was early morning and the dewy grass was wet.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 He smiled at me, I saw the seeds in his teeth 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 Billy McBruit looked at me, "Mmm, good!"

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 Did he mean me or the strawberries? I had to know.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 Before me, tall and shining he stood.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 Abandoning caution, we kissed with desire 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 I could still taste the strawberries fresh on his lips.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 He laid me down gently in the strawberry field 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 The berries I sat on stained my shirt at the hips.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 We made passionate love in the strawberry patch 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 We parted that day, we'll meet no more.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 I fear that the strawberry field is no longer there, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012 For now built on that land an extremely large store.

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The Medium Poetry Corner

Peeking Out Over the Tomatoes

Strawberry Fields

by Horney Fahrtingue

6-GMG-4-11-01.p65

1

Wednesday, April 11th, 2001

Autistication, Defecation, and Overweightion

by Ryan Beckman When I was growing up there was an old man who lived two houses away from me. I would walk past him sitting on his porch every day after school. My mother always warned me... “Don’t walk to close to Mr. Griffin or he’ll eat you.” I don’t know why but my older sister perked up every time she said that.

One day I was walking home, as usual, with a group of friends.

We passed Mr. Griffin and he started yelling at us and throwing his feces, much like an angry monkey. We all ran to my house as fast as we could. When we got inside I noticed that Jimmy, this fat kid no one liked, had followed us.

“Jimmy you fat fuck!” I screamed at him, “what the hell are you doing? Get your fat ass out of my home, you’re making it smell like baked ham.”

Poor little Jimmy...fat little Jimmy started weeping and shaking like a pencil. One of my friends, Hernando, went over to Jimmy, put an arm around him and started whispering something into his ear.

Tubby perked up and ran outside towards Mr. Griffin. He said that he wanted to talk to him and suddenly my fat friend fell to the ground.

“Oh no, he’s having a heart attack” cried my friend who had comforted Jimmy. Mr. Griffin immediately dropped the steaming pile of poo he was preparing for Jimmy’s face and ran towards his lifeless body.“One of you kids call the paramedics!” he screamed to us.

Hernando quickly gathered us around and told us what he had said to Jimmy. Within moments we charged at the evil dung flinger and knocked him to the ground. Sure we were only 3rd graders but there were 7 of us and the old man had brittle bones.

We kicked and jumped on that poor bastard until my mother came home… four hours later.

“Why are you harming that poor autistic man?” she yelled.

“Because he touched Jimmy in his ‘no-no’ spot” Hernando replied.

My mother soon joined in with the pummeling…. Old man Griffin died on the ground that day… or maybe it wasn’t that day… we just left him there until the garbage men picked him up the following week.

A Cartoon by Oleg!

4/10/01, 4:10 AM

Wednesday, April 11th, 2001

FEATURES

I told you not to fuck that.

The following courses will be offered beginning in the Fall semester of 2001. Consult the office of the registrar or the online schedule of courses for meeting times and locations.

AMERICAN STUDIES 050

MENS STUDIES 669

01:050:227. CELLULAR PHONE USE IN AMERICAN ACADEMIC INSTITUTIONS (3) Like, I can’t believe that you drank so much you almost puked at TKE the other night. And you don’t remember what happened after about 11:00? That’s pretty funny. Oh my god! You got a tongue ring? That’s so cool! Like, that’s totally a good way to express your individuality. Oh, and you must be pretty psyched that your parents are going to buy you that Cabrio. Why don’t you put a bumper sticker on it that says “Girls Rule, Boys Drool.” Yeah, I just made that up. Isn’t it funny?

01:669:101. WOMEN ARE INCAPABLE OF THINKING RATIONALLY (3) Answers to such questions such as “Do these pants make me look fat?”, “Do you think she’s prettier than I am?”, and “Where were you last night?”. What to do if she asks you for your credit card, or asks you to take her to the mall, promising that “it won’t take very long.” What to do when she complains about how you spend too much time with your friends or tries to do math.

01:050:323. EDUCATING THE MASSES ABOUT IMPORTANT SOCIAL ISSUES (3) This course has been added due to overwhelming interest in extracurricular “teachins” offered by various activist groups. Each week, a guest lecturer will speak about an important contemporary or historical issue. Although most of the lecturers have no undergraduate or graduate degrees, they are nonetheless experts on various issues by virtue of their affiliation with progressive groups, and can therefore instruct students about the relevant facts surrounding the issue of their choice. And it so happens that, once these facts are accepted as the only ones of relevance, any reasonable person will adopt the socialist or anarchist politics of the lecturer and his or her organization. Isn’t that an interesting coincidence?

ARTS AND SCIENCE 090 Rutgers College 01:090:029. WHAT ARE YOU, A FUCKING MORON? (1) Have you ever wondered why the L Bus sometimes doesn’t stop for you when you when you’re waiting at the SAC? Do you wonder why your Calculus professor refused to let you make up your exam? He’s a big prick, isn’t he? Well, you fucking moron, maybe you should have spent your time on studying and attending class instead of getting high on Quaaludes and household cleaning products. What’s that?

No, I don’t care that he was rude to you when you tried to “conversate” with him about it.

01:090:501. CONVERSATIONAL ENGLISH FOR TEACHING ASSISTANTS (1) Open to graduate students only.

Quality of the Recitation section in order to increase, this course has been designed the capability of the assistant of the professor of English in order to increase. The student is required to the oral inspection where pass is written, that of the 8th class student of America and displays the competency of equal English. The student is high clear, you engage in the dialogue which is easy to know, as answered to technical question, you are required. A certain class assembly adjusts the focus to detail of terminology to the subject like mathematics, biology, and physics.

ENGLISH: COMPOSITION 355 01:355:010. APOSTROPHE’S (3) Have you ever noticed how words like “it’s”, “that’s”, and “didn’t” contain a strange letter? Perhaps, in your confusion, you have searched through your copy of the alphabet, only to find yourself even more confused by the fact that this letter was not contain therein. Well, you may be surprised to learn that this “letter” is really no letter at all! This course introduces the student of English to apostrophes and similar syntactic constructs. Apostrophes in English literature will be covered, with an intense study of Led Zeppelin’s “D’yer Ma’ker”, off Houses of the Holy. Zeppelin Rules!

Greetings, nerd! Our editor-in-chief has a challenge for you: A man flips a weighted coin with a .6 probability of landing a heads five times. He then flips a second coin, this one fair, eight times. He then flips a third coin, this one with a 60% probability of landing tails, four times.

What is the probability that he'll end up with an equal number of heads and tails?

Send answers to naziphallus@hotmail.com to claim your prize.

7-Feat-4-11-01.p65

1

01:669:102. SERIOUSLY, THEY ARE (3) I guess you’ve never really tried to have a conversation with one. I mean, seriously.

They never mean what they say, and they never mean the opposite of what they say.

They’re irrational beyond comprehension. If she says, “No, that’s okay, we don’t have to watch ‘Runaway Bride’ tonight, you can watch the game with your friends,” she doesn’t mean that she’s alright with you bailing on her. Of course, if you do decide to bail on your friends, she’ll just sit and sulk because she knows you’d rather be watching the game. The only way out of this one, pal, is if the game gets cancelled and you go to the mall and buy her a pair of shoes, and then watch her stupid movie. And don’t expect any nookie for awhile, bro.

PHILOSOPHY 730 01:730:226. THE PHILOSOPHY OF THAT DRUNKEN COMPUTER NERD YOU MET AT YOUR FRIEND’S PARTY (3) This course is designed to introduce students of philosophy to the philosophical questions raised by that drunken computer nerd you met at your friend’s party last weekend. The course will address the question of whether or not a theoretical quantum computer would carry out some of its computations in another dimension, since such a computer would undoubtedly employ the 32 varieties of electron “spin” for purposes of data representation, and one such “spin” occurs with the electron in another dimension. Time permitting, students may attempt to build a computer out of an Atari 2600, a keg tap, and your bra and panties.

PHYSICS 750 01:750:199. PHYSICS PHOR PHATSOES (3) Introduction to topics in physics germane to the lives of the morbidly obese. Consumption of high calorie foods as a means of acquiring potential energy and mass.

Hot dogs as an environmentally friendly fuel source. Sexual relations with ordinary people as a horrible, horrible idea. Credit not given for this course and 07:701:137, Marching Band I.

PSYCHOLOGY 830 01:830:485. THE PSYCHOLOGY OF JASON PRIESTLY (3) To a generation, Jason Priestly was the lone voice of reason in a world gone mad, a sex symbol, and a professional character actor. This course attempts to give students the psychological foundation necessary to fully understand this cultural icon. Topics covered include: that episode of 90210 where the gang go to a “not-so-legal” underground club, and Emily Valentine introduces Brandon to the world of drugs; the episode where he goes undercover for The Blaze in an attempt to break a story about steroid use in the athletic department—only to find that his good friend, Steve Sanders, is involved; Brandon Walsh’s relationship with Professor Randall’s wife, Lucinda; Nat as the father he never had; and, of course, “hang[ing] ten in Baja” with Dylan. Time permitting, Priestly’s more avant-garde roles, such as that of “Teen Priest” on Blossom, may be explored.

Hey fatso! Stop stuffing your fat face and come to the Medium meeting tonight in room 113 of the Livingston Student Center, you monsterously overweight imbecile! Don’t spend another second trying to gorge your troubles away. Sweet Jesus! Look at how your fat ripples! Can you really get yourself out of your chair? You must have the strength of a thousand men. Send all Features articles to mgryan@eden. Articles drenched in bacon fat will not be accepted. You probably have nipples the size of pancakes.

4/10/01, 4:11 AM

ARTS

I make people eat my body and drink my blood, but no one calls me Messiah Two reasons why Labrynth is one of the best movies ever

Is that a goblin in your pants?

Some day in April fuck you

Ubiquitous Half-assed Political Humor

Hey, C mere and give Daddy some sugar

We ll Miss you Dave!

With the untimely passing of David Bowie this weekend, the Medium felt a duty to pay tribute to the man responsible for 50% of the staff s wet dreams

Bowie to Labrynth wardrobe department: More frilly lace!

Bowie does a good turn as Pilate in The Last Temptation of Christ

= Hey Christians!

Remember to thank Pontius Pilate for crucifying your Savior. Otherwise, there would be no chocolate bunnies this Sunday!

8-Arts-4-11-01.p65

1

Dad, you promised you d stop grabbin my boobs in public!

Well, the website thought this was David Bowie... but naked Jon Bon Jovi is good enough for me

Submit to hardcandy@wildmail.com

I hate it when Dad grabs my boobs in public

I hate it when he grabs my hair when I give him blowjobs

Get Groped!

Come to the Medium 9:30 pm LSC rm 113 Learn the various available positions.

Nominations coming soon

4/10/01, 12:33 AM

Labrynth is the best movie ever!

Wednesday, April 11, 2001 to jesus: what the fuck? enough of this happy horseshit. ive been asking you every fuckin night for the last 5 years to make my penis grow 2-4 inches, and its still the same damn size. this time its personal. get off your fat ass and do something. something important, not any of that turning water into wine bull shit. jesus fuckin christ, all the girls at the orphanage are laughing at me. enough fuckin around. make my penis larger, you lazy son-of-a-bitch.

(I feel partially responsible for his lack of response - ever since I asked jesus to increase my bust to a DD, he and I have been fucking constantly) OFER..shut the fuck up. Nobody likes you, you fuckin stinky bastard. And no, yoda did not invent coda. Do yourself a favor and remove your head from your ass just long enough to put a bullet through it. Prick To My Dream Man, whom I see on the EE every Wednesday morning on the C/D rec center bus stop. You are so fucking beautiful!! You are by far the sexiest man I have seen at Rutgers, and I want your fine black ass all to myself!! You make me cream!! You always sit behind me but you never talk to me. Are you waiting for me to make the first move or what is the fucking deal here??? There are only a few more Wednesdays left in the semester, and if you don't talk to me soon, you are going to miss out on the hottest bitch at Rutgers. I'll be waiting...

(Did you ever think that he sits BEHIND you and doesn’t speak to you because he can’t tell the difference between your ass and your face?!)

I want to know why they keep having these 'fashion shows' were 99% of the participants and people who go there are all of the same race. please include other races. cause the world has many shapes, colors, and forms. stop being so close minded.

(Wanna talk about closeminded? How about a guy who keeps going to fashion shows, yet refuses to admit he is flagrantly gay!)

My penis is soft to the touch, like a young baby’s ass, which I long to rub it against....

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1

Your eyes can be so cruel, just as herpes can be so cruel (and itchy).

To the people who write for "The Anthologist" what the fuck? That shit is so fake. Trying to sound intelligent and/or inspired does not work for u people. It's embarrassing that u would even consider calling this shit poetry. And, oh, yes, I am speaking to each and every one of you, cause every single poem sucks. Let's see "the morning sun screams worries" or how about "swallowing the world she" or "I see my destiny laid out cloud-like." Shut the fuck up, u r no artists, just cause they published your "poem." Looks like they will publish anything.

Don't waste my time.

(Know what my favorite poem is “My writing is worse than the writers for the Targum, therefore I got rejected from the Anthologist and have to write to the Medium to bitch about it”) Before I graduate from this school I’d like to have a hot, wild fling with a professor. If any of you are interested contact me via the medium - sexdriven senior....

This is just a reminder to the student body, specifically to the fake thugz. the following do not mean your a thug. Smokin weed & drinkin 40's, walkin to class with your best imitation gangsta walk while reciting your favorite rap verse, rockin a doo rag (when your hair aint built for it), sweatband, or bandanna either individually or at the same time, rockin your hat to the side. To the fake fucks on busch, just because your black does not mean you can act like a thug. your a herb on the block and your a herb here, please dont get it twisted. to the white boys, you dont know what ghetto is, so dont use the word. also, u never spoke ebonics before so why are you now!

to that red hair girl in the LSC, i think you are one of the few cutest latin girls i've ever met. you know who i am. shame of you, live on campus so i can kit it to you mami.

this goes out to this dominican girl in the towers. i think you are so fuking shady. you pretend to be cool, but i know that you talk behind everyone's back. i dont give a damm about how good you think you look, but your nasty attitude sucks.

TO THAT FAT WHORE NICKY ON TINSLEY. YES YOU, THE VERY FAT AND UGLY ONE. YOU'RE FUCKING NASTY!!!

TUCK YOUR GUT IN OR STOP WEARING THOSE LITTLE BELLY SHIRTS. NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOU GUT HANG OUT. AND THOSE SCARS ON YOUR FACE MAKE YOU LOOK TEN TIMES NASTIER. IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE TOOK A SHIT ON YOUR FACE. I KNOW YOU'RE UGLY AND CAN'T GET ANY DECENT LOOKING GUYS, BUT STOP GOING AFTER THE TWELVE YEAR OLDS. EVERYTIME I SEE YOUR UGLY FAT ASS MY STOMACH STARTS TO HURT. YOU MAKE ME WANNA PUKE. OH YEAH, NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR PATHETIC LIFE, SO STOP BOTHERING ME ABOUT HOW BAD YOUR LIFE SUCKS AND HOW YOU WERE NEVER REALLY PREGNANT(WE KNOW YOU MADE THAT UP FOR ATTENTION). IF YOU DONT STOP BEING SUCH A DUMB WHORE IM GONNA RIP YOUR LEGS OFF AND FEED THEM TO YOU, BECAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE HUNGRY AND YOU'LL EAT THEM. UGLY BITCH!!!

(Is it the bad grammar of the last four personals that gives away that the same person sent them all in, or is it the general feeling of desperation?)

(Listen here you little bitch send in a personal in all caps again and when I’m through with you, you’ll be begging her for a date)

this goes out to that cuban girl in my spanish class 216. you are so annoying, but i still think you are hot, and i wanna know waz up mami. i'm from another island.

(Another planet is more like it) to all those white haters; who hate on the inner cities... fuck you. you dont know how much struggle we had it to deal with before coming here. your rich asses got all expenses paid by daddy and ya dont know how to earn things, fuking bitches.

(Hey that isn’t fair, our daddy’s money goes to pay the expenses of your mother’s pimps)

Do you long to grasp David Bowie s crystal balls in your hands? Does this picture bring you back to childhood fantasies of Goblin Kings in tight spandex?

To dat chubby RA at Gibbons.You have gots to stop riddin dik! Let a nigga creep and get his fuck on and get yo own life! You always be knockin on peoples doors bein nosy! I should have tattooed your face when you caught me doin one in da room! what was it the vibrating noise of da machine that caught your attention you thinkin it was a giant dildo so you can shove up yo ass!? by the way you need to stop trikin yo ass at the olive branch fo a pitcher of beer. this also goes out to the fake ass LSU niggas, half of ya aint got a drop of taino in ya blood! so stop puttin disgrace to my ancestors.so get dat off da side of ya arms! yo soy boricua 150%,and dont none of ya wanna see my knuckle game.

FAKE ASSES!ya need to find ya selves (Is it just me or has ebonics become the official language of little whiny bitches who couldn’t find their dicks even if they had them?!)

To the cocky mother-fucker who thinks i sweat him. You need to lay off the hair dye - you are so not my type. You think you are the only person who uses people for sex, think again brother!

(I hope that when you say ‘brother’ you don’t mean it literally) To the bitch who whined about not getting CRACK. I done told you, the first one is free, you get on your knees for more. So take out your retainer, open wide, and get what's cummin to ya.

(I wouldn’t worry about it, judging by the miserly amounts of Crack he hands out, I don’t think he has much to offer) pleeze vote YES! for the targum referrendum. Is Good for R U rutgers no?!! Pleeze. Me targum rider and need to git payd to cut and paste AP storees. Thank Rutgerz. -- Targum staff

(To this guy’s mother: I know it is a little late-term now, but i’m sure god would forgive you if you abort your son now) To the LX bus driver on Friday night, I’m sorry man, but my woman and I just couldn’t control ourselves; i’m sure you understand how the busses can make a guy horney, but hey at least you got a free show right?

By the way, my girlfriend is missing her underwear - we didn’t leave it on the bus did we?

Tiger Print G-string. If you find it please don’t wash it...

PERSONALS

(Hey that’s not funny, the Targum has many groundbreaking and important stories such as...and....yeah...oh shit damn my gullibility)

Ok, so maybe that s just me...but now that I ve shared my fetishes with you, it s time for you to turn me on...err i mean tell Rutgers students about your turn-ons. Send in your personals and sexual fantasies to Beckpeople@hotmail.com

4/10/01, 12:06 AM

Why the hell does ABP charge so fucking much?! De tink cause dey gots som fancy name dey can charge us for dis garbage?!

And de workers are slower den a hooker’s business on Easter Sunday...Peas!

PERSONALS

to the dirty bitches at the medium. what the hell was that last week? after i tried to read that shit, i nearly gagged last night’s unborn-fetus a-la-carte. i expected to see women drinking urine, but maggots? shit! now the next time i maturbate to the golden girls, instead of imagining bea arthur blowing me (as i usually do weekdays at 5:00 and 5:30), im going to picture her sucking some other guy’s giant herpie-riddled cock. jesus christ, you skanky bitches ruined me for life.

rm e

Fea

(Pussy ass? what a wonderful pleasure filled orifice that sounds like... mmmm) you de mise

foo

lish

cracker

Cum to a Medium meeting and tell us what your super power is...

every Wednesday in the Livingston Student Center room 113 at 9:30.

10-P2-4-11-01.p65

1

to the squirrels of Rutgers, GO AWAY!!!!!!

Send personals to Beckpeople@hotmail.com

Personal of the week:

(You and me both sista...) to that crazy frizzy bitch in davidson d, i'm gonna kill you with my dick (yeah, and blood’ll come out and there’s nothing you can do about it because i’m a amad man so if i fucked a cow in the ass with a bottle of bosco... and the cow made chocolate milk... would i be able to fuck a lactating woman in the ass and make her child drink cum?

(Dad, stop embarrassing me in front of my friends) chicken livers, have you no shame? you want this?

Send personals to Beckpeople@hotmail.com

To the motherfucker who has to put commments about me on the Medium instead of face to face. You say that your a real man, but you hide under the Medium’s skirt and you don’t have the balls to say it to my face. This is Elias and let me tell you that you are a little bitch, what real man would sit there and listen to a girl talk about girl trouble? Personally, I think that you’re a fag and what I do or don’t do does not concern you’re pussy ass. If you have a problem with me come see me and we can see who is the real man. I already had Glory and I know you don’t have a chance with her because she likes “THE BULL” and she doesn’t go for pussy fags like you. So if you see me you better holla at me and talk face to face and not through the Medium. Peace, The Bull

key

I am empty space

ll b e yo ur

why does my roommate smell so bad, i’m trying to work and the fumes eminating...ksdjf;lkasj

hon

(Last week was a wetdream come true and don’t you forfor get it) i wi

(Writing poetry when you’re drunk or stoned only works if you’re a good writer to begin with you dumb bitch.

hey pablo, todd says "sup?"

To that hot personals editior on the Medium, Ever since that issue where you flaunted your pasty white booty I've wanted to rape it raw.

To that undergraduate who sucked my dick because i promised her a B in the class, too bad it was the worst hummer i’ve ever gotten, maybe if you fuck me i’ll pass you, otherwise try eating out the prof., don’t worry, just because she’s in her late 60’s doesn’t mean anything... maybe women, like wine, get better with age.

Send personals to Beckpeople@hotmail.com

(So... who else had to masterbate when they read this?)

i only tell you this ‘cause/ i’m easy to get rid of/ but not if you fall in love/ know now that i’m on the make/ and if you make a mistake/

Wednesday, April 11th, 2001

(Ahh, the most sensual being in the animal kingdom... mr. squirrel will you be my bitch?)

Send personals to Beckpeople@hotmail.com

I enjoy sex. Everytime I see your drop-dead georgous body I wanna jump your bones and make mad, passionate love to you again and again. I particularly enoy the feeling of your warm man-juice as it shoots from your large, pulsating lovemuscles across my pointy hard nipples and over my screaming, orgasming face. When I think about the way your warm tongue massages Clitty and the way your breath feels against me, I get saturated. I love it when you fuck me so hard I can taste your smooth penis in the back of my throat, making me shake wildly. Aaaa, please fuck me like a wild wolf grrrr im wet.

Get a monkey...and torture the hell out of it.

here in this collapsed lung of a (I want “this” as long as it borough there is no sunlight the means cute boy ass) sunlight is manufactured in a windowless room to the guy in Davidson: you are the best! even though every- (New Brunswick, next to one else on campus thinks ur Disneyland, is the happiest screwed up b/c of the crazy place in the world... and i lie magazine thing, I still love ya! a lot) ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!!!

burned ketchup and hotness oh god how i crave the source... (the source would be the local Poppel home of birthing of love you autistic fool) Listen you skinny-ass, busch campus, Asian-fucking bitch, I get pissed off when people confuse your bony ass with me. I’m sooo sick of your piss poor articles and having to explain that I don’t write for the Medium.

You should be honored that the targum confused us, because I’m everything you’re not, and everything you can never be. So how fictitious am I now mother fucker? The Only Ryan Beckman

(i’ve fucking had it with you dumb worthless assholes writing this shit. The next one of you fucking computer nerds to send this in... i am going to personally track you down shit on your face, take your digimon cards, rip them up and make you live off of nothing but your own shit and cum for a week) To that sexy girl in my thursday 4th period fortran class, i’m a shy guy but i like you a lot. I’ll wear jeans and a blue baseball hat backwards tomorrow... sit next to meif you’re interested.

This goes out to the dumbass you called out LSU two weeks ago. Let me educate you on a few things since you assumed and made an asshole out of yourself. First off, you mispelled my boy’s name It’s F-I-L not Phil as you spelled it. Second, yeah he’s Polish but he’s also Costa Rican which make him Latino so he ain’t trying to be Latino by joining a Latino Fraternity. He already is Latino, duh.So get your facts straight you player hating ignorant LOSER. And what he does onthe 6th floor of whatever fucking tower isn’t any of your fucking business. Just because you can’t get none doesn’t mean you got call out someone who does. Instead off SWEATING HIM what your pathetic ass needs to do is concentrate on your own sexless pathetic excuse of a life. Don’t player hate, participate. Representing Jersey City. Aight!!!

(Maybe he’s just really dumb b/c he’s polish and polish people are really dumb... so maybe he’s just dum) To ‘Markus’, the most wonderful man ever...I wish you’d cum around more often and fuck me like I’ve never been fucked b4.

I just want to ride your big, thick Hammy all night LOOOOONG!!! And lick you up and down till you scream my name. CUM ON OVER BABY! I’ll be all yours. ~A straight Douglass girl...yes, we do exist (there are no straight girls on douglass, this “guy” is obviously a dead cat’s bloodfilled afterbirth.)

Why are there still virgins in (The only straight ryan college? beckman hahahahaha fuck (Sorry, i go to Rutgers, we you. Oh no i fucked it up, i don’t have that problem.) mean i’m straight and Your personal could have been you’re... fuck)

replaced my humor with my pain... i’ll be happy on the day that it dies....

to that smartass bastard in calc2 t-th 4th, you are such a cocksucking know-it-all ass licker, shut the fuck up before you replace your lips with your anus

To that hot little italian girly reading this in the cafeteria right now... you looked damn fine yesterday at my apartment, and I want you to know that I'm not the only lonely blue diamond in the world. If you don't know who this is, then damn, baby... whats up with that?

here but instead there is just some black box and my words bitching about how useless you are... send your fucking personals to Beckpeople@hotmail.com or feel the pain of seeing more (Oh god, that’s so hot, i’d love black boxes... BITCH. to kiss that guy) Submit your shit

4/10/01, 12:18 AM

(why is it that you had to say goodbye in your special way, slashed the tires on my car)

Wednesday, April 11th, 2001 If one more person says something about a green wrapper I’m going to take every god-damn condom in existence and poke tiny little holes in them why do guys only go for sluts or girls with big chests? I’m sick of it, when will a nice girl get her chance?! Fuck you, fuck you all. I hope you all get syphilis of the ass and pass it on to your family members you inbred, backstabbing, selfish, superficial, lying sons of bitches (Is it that time of the month again?)

King's Pawn to Queen's Bishop.

Monkeys like to spank me.

(Open handed or closed?)

A shout-out to my bangle buddy: What the fuck is up with cheese?! How did it turn stale so quickly? Why did the mouse run away with it? What the fuck am I writing?!!

This goes out to the Fat Ass Bitch that lives next door. Who the hell do you think you are?

What gives you the right to make fun and talk about people behind their backs? You are nothing great either bitch. You are nothing more then a piece of shit. Fuck you and get a life you fucking bitch.

(What sort of shit is she exactly? Would you describe her as a good beer shit, explosive diarhea, or perhaps your standard every day shit?) to that cute, loud brunette with the peirced septum who I taught how to throw a kick at the suprise party: i will be your rebound guy, i will talk to you. oyu are two fun to waste on somebody that just sits there. i've seen too many girls like you go to waste. the fucking nutcase fun ones always have some tool boyfreind wh ojust rests on his laurels and protects his woman.

BUllshit. i'll eat your coconut (Coconut = Mangina)

Radiohead is playing Rutgersfest? No. It is only Fuel & Jurrassic 5. Thanks RCPC. Pigfuckers.

Jesus was a black jew communist who hung out with hookers and was a little too attached to his mother.

(Let’s not insult pigs now, even they have their standards)

(I’d like to take a moment to reiterate that the views of the readers do not necessarily express our own views, except in this case)

"Blonde on Blonde"--Pornographic Film or Bob Album?

You Decide.

To that skinny slut that fucks me every night: thanks for the pancreatic cancer.

i'd like to inform rutgers students about the new grease truck sandwich, the FAT MEDIUM. It has two cheeseburgers, scrambled eggs, mozzerella sticks, and veggies, but instead of tahini, the grease truck guy has to jizz in your sandwich

(Can’t an average sized girl get any play?)

(Ummmm fresh jizz, i’ll take my straight up thank you)

Know what really pisses me off?! When people fucking walk by and don’t even say hello. What the fuck, you’d think that by college people would have matured a bit, but i guess not.

I am called filler. I am here because you lazy shits didn’t send in any personals. Speaking of shit - what the hell is up with that picture to the right of me? I think we’ve had enough pictures of asses in this to last a lifetime, but some would say you can never get enough ass. I wouldn’t know. - lonely filler

To that fat whore that fucks me every night: thanks for the good times.

There is no booty like pirate’s booty, and i ain’t talking no fruity booty, or even veggie, i’m talking good ole cheese booty.

(I prefer not to visualize booty and cheese together) Hello. I'm a large condom in a green wrapper. I believe we met the other day? Yes, I'm sure you remember me. And I'm sure you've envisioned me stretched over your brother's meaty, erect cock as it glides in and out of an eager vagina, the possessor of which screams with each titillating thrust, until, at long last, that moment of ecstasy comes and your brother deposits in me his sweet, steaming, man milk. It has happened numerous times to my fallen brethren, often when you were in the house, asleep and blissfully unaware. It will happen again, and again, and again. Remember me in your prayers, and pleasant dreams to you!

(Fool, who uses condoms anymore, it’s all about the dangers of unprotected sex.... bitch)

The Super Waste of Space corner: p ar erso l u na ng l

E I ia ts tr will poke VER o M you like a big

meaty cock pokes your mom in her sleep. That meaty cock is my own...and she is the cock poked because...FUCK YOU suckabitch

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PERSONALS

hot bloody urethral sex

Hi there, I'm an on-air personality. You know, after a tough day of filming my hit television series, The State, there's nothing I enjoy more than having some unprotected sex. Not only do those orgasms feel terrific, but afterwards, I fall right to sleep. It's better than taking pills, just kidding. And when it's unprotected sex, hey man, that when things really start to swing.

Not only do I risk impregnating my underage partner, but think of all those spooky diseases... ouch! And here's something you may not have thought of: sex is a terrific way to make some extra money. Every now and then when I'm strapped for cash, I like to slip on a skirt, tie my penis between my legs and head down to the docks for a little "hustling." The moneys right and it's a hell of a rush. Now I know what you're thinking: 'Hey on-air personality, isn't hustling dangerous?' You bet it is, that's why I charge...a lot. It helps to keep the riff raff away if you know what I'm talking about. james....words can not express the longing I felt for you when I first saw you there....lying in your bed like a little quadriplegic cowboy. You were so grizzly...so covered in bedsores...I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.

Are you my mommy?

If so come to a Medium meeting....

Every Wednesday at 9:30 in room 113 of the Livingston student center.

Dear God. Thank you for the warm weather on Monday, it was glorious to see all that flesh and feel warm air. Get rid of the bugs, tho, willya?

To my drinking buddy: First you lie to me, then you try to fuck my brother when he bent over to tie his shoe, you refuse to accept your scrabble defeat, you insult women, and you are afraid to accept my perfection.. Drinking Wednesday night right?

Violet… thanks for staying the night… you are by far the most beautiful girl I have ever been with… you can give my t-shirt sheets the opportunity of touching you anytime you want.

(I don’t know about you, but i’m hoping he’s talking about the chick from Rainbow Brite) NEWS FLASH: I have recently broken up with my girlfriend... any lonely man willing to buy the Lingerie (used of course) come to the Medium meeting tonight… bidding will start at $5…. Oh yeah, my ex is a highschool cheerleader... come and get it boys.

hey, bitch who was wearing jeans, boots, and a purple shirt in the college ave computer lab on monday night... back the fuck off bitck or you mind find yourself tasting my asshole to that white girl in my spanish What if dog really meant cat? class, you are so fucking hot. why you dont notice me, i'd love SUBMIT YOUR SHIT to teach you more about lengua.

Send personals to

(for those of you who aren’t fluent in spanish... lengua Beckpeople@hotmail.com means crippling sexually or you will see more transmitted disease) ...my heart will certainly break/ i’ll have to jump in a lake/ and all my friends will blame you/ there’s no telling what they’ll do/ it’s only fair to tell you/ i’m absolutely cuckoo

4/10/01, 12:13 AM

beckMANboy ass in next week s issue than any one person can handle. (that s a lot of ass)

What s Shakin

Wednesday, April 11th, 2001

“I want more perversion.”

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Well, it’s Easter time, and I’m going home to visit the oh so dysfunctional family.

Hopefully,I won’t kill my brother or eat my sister.

Also,I’ll be visiting with Auntie who is slowly losing her marbles, but since she’s about 83 I guess that happens.

It’s cool though because her and my great uncle still have an active sex life. You can’t beat hot elderly sex! Then, there’s my retarded cousin Pami who always insists on kissing me even though she smells like fish.

My mom knows I don’t like her, but she makes me kiss her anyway. My father, who’s been accused of sounding like Ted Kennedy, will tell me how proud he is that I write for the Medium.

Happy holidays everyone!!

Send events and menstruating bunnies to stubby103@hotmail.com.

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Do you like to wear nothing but a fancy hat?

Come to a Medium Meeting!

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What s going to be in your Easter basket this year?

Hopefully, I ll get some new toys cause I really need them.

Sex toys, evil, perversion, ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!

4/9/01, 9:13 PM