THE
MEDIUM
ZING
The Entertainment Weekly of Inebriated Domestic Animals
Volume XXXIV, Number 21
www.themedium.net
! t e sk a b r u o ry o f ss a r g d l o e m a s e h t Not
Wednesday, April 16th, 2003
EDITORIALS
“Only thing scarier than a smart black dude, is a smart black chick.”
Wednesday April 16th, 2003
Beyond Ass
by ryan Beckman
So... happy Passover... happy Easter... happy-hey stop looking at my wang. So yeah, I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m naked in this week’s issue. To answer that, I’ll ask you a question? If you stab a porcupine with one of his own quills will he not bleed the same blood as you or I? It’s getting close to the end of the semester and that can only mean one thing. More people are thinking about killing themselves than normal. In a feeble attempt to help out those who may have a gun to their head... I will bare all. Haha, get it... it’s a pun you tubby fat-ass... laugh till your lard jiggles... or just breathe, it’ll accomplish the same thing. Anyway.... A lot of people I know have had a very difficult year and I think I’ve had my fair share of problems too. What it basically comes down to is... when you go to sleep at night you’ll be able to say “Hey, at least I wasn’t like that asshole from The Medium who put a naked picture of himself in the issue so we could laugh at him.” My hope is that this will be enough to turn at least one potential death into a long miserable life... because when you think about it... college is the fun part. I mean, fuck high school. Who really liked those assholes you were friends with... I mean, you don’t even talk to them now. College is where it’s at... more freedom, more sex, drugs and... well the music has gotten worse but my 8-track still works. (I’m not trying to make sense so don’t try to “understand” me... oppressor) So if you fail some classes this semester... who really gives a fuck, you’ll just be prolonging the college experience, because we all know that life ends when you leave college. Maybe you’ll get a year backpacking through Europe but then you just die of polio... and where will you be? Dead, that’s right... glad you paid attention. So just fail some classes, coast by and who cares if you’re in school another 7 years... doctors do it and they end up ok.
This was supposed to be art....
The Spoils of War John Minus It’s a beautiful day outside. It really is. In fact, the whole last weekend has been nothing but beautiful days. Spring has sprung, as they say, and it’s very apparent that our snow days have been put of for at least another 6 months. I have been trying to enjoy this new spring, this new beginning, but just as the season started, so did the war. That tends to put a damper on any celebrations of new life, especially when so much life is being taken halfway across the world. I’ve spent the last few weeks telling anyone who will listen why this is an idiotic war. Not because there needs to be a less psychotic political system in Iraq, because there does need to be. The real reason why this war is pointless is because it will not solve anything, in the long or short run. Many, many Americans are for the war, and I’ve talked to many people who are. The reasons they give for the war are as vague as the ones they have heard on television and from the President. In fact, most people I’ve talked to have only regurgitated the broad reasons that the president has stated. However, if you really think about any of the reasons that have been given, none of them make any sense. At first, the government stated that they wanted to create a democracy in Iraq, but when you look at history, bombing a country has never, EVER created a stable working democracy. In fact since the end of WW II we’ve bombed 22 countries, and a real democracy has not come out of any of these instances. So, there goes that. The question I ask is, who the hell is going to replace Saddam as the leader of Iraq, one of his equally psychotic sons? Who is going to control Iraq when Saddam is gone? (Note I say “when”; this war is the most expensive, expansive assassination attempt ever). One of the few (very few) humorous moments in all of this tragedy is when American troops raised an American flag over a port that they had taken, and then were told to take it down. I’m assuming there were some British troops with them who filled them in on the idea that they weren’t supposed to look like they were taking Iraq over for America. It is bad enough that that is what the world thinks, without our troops reinforcing the fact. Here is the real reason that this war is going to mess America up far more than it will help us. Bush has burned so many bridges in his push for war, that after this American is going to have to fight every battle, militarily or otherwise, by ourselves. A lot of people I’ve talked to say that Britain will always be on our side, but guess what? Come next British elections, Tony Blair is not going to be there any more. He is known amongst his people as Bush’s Poodle. Brits have no respect for him, and widely, widely disagree with his blind support of President Bush. In fact, the leaders of many countries that support us do so against their people’s wishes. The leaders of these countries (Pakistan, India, Turkey, Britain, Italy, Australia, Spain) will probably not see another term because of their support of the US. Many of these countries, such as Turkey, Pakistan, and Jordan are being basically paid off to support us. Bush has made it clear that countries are only important as long as they are of use to us. President Musharraf of Pakistan has been made to feel like a fool for supporting the US, as we continue to economically repress that country’s exports for our own gain, while he risked his leadership role to support America’s war against the Taliban. If you want to read about the reasons why this war is a terrible idea, as is the entire Bush administration, read the Newsweek article from a few weeks ago entitled “The Arrogant Empire”. The world is afraid of Americans because they know what is happening to Iraq could happen to each and every one of them if they should anger us. What people fail to realize is that we took military action around the world three times under the Clinton Presidency, and he never asked anybody for permission. The difference is that the world community trusted and liked Clinton and they hate Bush. You know why the world hates Bush and America? They hate Bush because their leaders have prostrated themselves before America, and the people of those countries do not know who runs their own home. Are foreign countries such as Britain and Italy lead by their elected leaders, or by Bush? World leaders and ambassadors feel like the American government treats them like wayward children. That is no way to rule the most powerful country in the word, and We The People, not Dubya the Idiot, are the ones who are going to have to pay for his arrogance and violence.
Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8
Editorial F.F. Funny News Funny Features Serious Arts
Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12
Fun Funny Personal What’s Shaking?
WE LOVE RUTGERS!
Cover by: Mike Carsillo & Melissa DiStaulo
THE
MEDIUM
CONTENTS
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
Ryan Beckman Jim Cortina Mike Stanley Benjamin Schachtman Jim Cortina Daniel Migliore Aija McKenzie Jeff Buechner
Personals Editors Bridget Heines Bryan McKenna Photographer Elizabeth Finelli What’s Shakin’ Editor Amy Groark Online Editor Michael Wyzard Advertising Manager Ned Berke Staff Artist Toby Wang Senior Editor Amy Groark
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is noon, Sunday. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC - Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903. Send e-love to Ryan Beck@Eden.Rutgers.Edu. More snow for your fine ass. That’s right, snow-love girl.
Wednesday, April 16th 2003
“Trust Fox News? Hell, they’re taping my first anal sex expereince!”
Space Filling Haikus
FREEDOM FREEDOMFACTS FACTS
my life with medium monkey Ben Schachtman
This third of the page does not contain racist porn one third less funny savage black men growl blonde cheerleader gets the dick same at every school haiku is too hard syllables must be exact or like Stan know shame next year if God wills I will graduate Rutgers fuck you all so much
That’s it... no more smoking opium.
No one knows I killed Jonbenet Ramsey...ha.
NEWS NEWS
“What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaaaaaaay!”
Wednesday April 16 th, 2003
America Cheers as Iraqis Slaughtered
Annual Cow Parade Goes “Hay”wire
By: Colonel Quack (BAGHDAD, IRAQ) More terrorists were blown to pieces yesterday as missiles rained on Baghdad. General Franks said of the move, “It’s our way of ringing the doorbell to Baghdad. Let those evil terrorists know we’re here.” When asked why a missile hit a hotel where many journalists stay, Franks replied, “Journalists are known for their tendencies to oppose American viewpoints. You are either with us or you are against us. Besides, I heard the hotel was serving French Fries.” Iraqi schoolchildren were seen dancing in the streets as tanks rolled into Baghdad. Later, when their mommies told them that dinner was being served, schoolchildren rushed to the streets to dance. One angry mom screamed, “DON’T MAKE ME CIRCUMCISE YOU LIKE THOSE EVIL JEWISH FREAKS!” Marines were thrilled to see that they would be hitting unarmed targets. One marine said, “I haven’t been laid in weeks, I hope these terrorist kids give good head.” When word of little boys giving head reached the President Bush, he responded, “Oh wow, free head? Send some of those boys my way! Terrorist children are not human, and we are free to do with them as we wish. I’ve always wanted to skullfuck an Iraqi.” As a statue of Saddam fell, American Imperial Planners discussed what would go up in it’s place. One pro-imperialism Iraqi said, “That statue was so outdated. He doesn’t even look like that anymore. I hope that when they put up a statue of Emperor Bush, they age him at least ten years. That way, in ten years, he’ll look the right age.” Despite Bush’s popularity around the world, planners are not sure that a statue of the President will go up in Saddam’s place. Head planner Clifford Hollander said, “I think we should put the image of Jesus everywhere. I mean, look at this region. Those damn Jews and Muslims are at each other’s throats. What we need is for everybody to come together under the mantra of Christianity.” Still, not everybody is thrilled about American presence in Iraq. A captured Republican Guard general said, “There’s something wrong when the enemy kills 18 times more of their own troops then we do. They just tossed missiles at us from miles and miles away. Cowards. As fast as I could say ‘Don’t shoot `till you see the whites of their eyes!’, my supporting units were just blown up.” Another captured Republican Guard member said, “Ha ha, did you hear about that helicopter blowing up? American fools. WE DON’T EVEN HAVE HELICOPTERS.” The White House is holding a Freed Iraqi Barbeque this weekend. Fresh Iraqis that have been recently freed from the domination of Saddam will be flown straight from Iraq to Washington, where they will be served by the finest chefs in the nation. The President issued a single statement about the event, “No pretzels.”
By “Pink Eyed” Jim Cortina News Editor
You had better be at this week’s medium meeting, because otherwise Imma be real mad atchoo. And you donna want me to be mad atchoo. So what are you waiting for? Get your ass to the meeting, it’s almost 9:30 PM. You should really be at LSC 111 right now. I’m not joking. Why are you still reading? Come here already. Still reading, eh? Well it looks like you missed the meeting, so why not write a news article and send it to pinkeyedjim@hotmail.com,
you waste of life? I hope you’re happy.
White Humor By Brian Tarus
Cook College’s first annual cow parade took place last Sunday on George St. Hundreds of Cook College students led scores of cows down the street, blocking traffic, and angering pedestrians. The parade lasted six hours, far longer than anyone would have wanted to see a bunch of spotted bovines anyway. Late into the sixth hour, however, a cow got loose and began rampaging down the street and sidewalk, killing at least four crack heads, injuring three, and leaving six missing. Chaos spread quickly; as students tried to restrain the Mad Cow, other cows broke the grips of their captors. No less than seven cows went amuck. Signposts were bent. Mooing ensued. “I just don’t know what happened,” quoth Ian McHickley, a Cook College junior, “one minute we were parading down George St, the cows acting quite domestically, the next minute I had a hoof in my mouth.” He broke into unrestrained tears. “Those damned cows killed my man,” stated Fat Debbie, whose crack head husband was among the trampled, “now I don’t get my daily beatings no more.” She, too, broke into unrestrained tears. The cow-page (not ram-page, get it?) continued for twenty minutes, before the students were able to re-harness the tenacious cows. They were finally brought down when the students realized that grabbing the cows by the udders caused them to slow down, but not before spraying everywhere. At sight of the dripping aftermath, one witty bystander quipped, “Hey, look everybody, Milk and Cookies!”
Bessie declined to comment, saying only “Moo.”
This space for rent. Cheap. Call me.
Wednesday April 16 th, 2003
“You know what? Fuck your Jesus, man!”
92% of Democrats are Gay By Ned Berke I was originally going to title and begin this article by saying Gaurav Sood is a douche. However, after a brief email correspondence with the man I have come to the conclusion that he is, in fact, not a douche but a rather nice guy – just seemingly semi-illiterate and a poor journalist. Sood (and yes, that’s his real name) is a staff writer for The Daily Targum who recently covered an abortion debate on Thursday in College Hall in the Livingston Student Center. And he made a very common mistake in modern journalism. “More than 43 percent of women in the United States will have an abortion,” Sood writes. You see that at the end? The “Sood writes” part? I had to e-mail Mr. Sood to find out where this stat came from, as he made the faux pa of failing to attribute this statistic to the speaker, Mary Alice Carter, or any of the websites he told me he looked it up in. But I’m getting ahead of myself; let’s back it up. Sadly, I read The Daily Targum. Not for actual news, as I won’t get that there, but more because I’m a paper junkie (I pick up pretty much ANY periodical around me), and also like to amuse myself at the failure that is our esteemed campus newspaper. I was perusing it Friday night and came across the word abortion. I love abortion, so I had to read it. On I went to read about this debate, and came across that absurd statistic above. “43% of women in the United States will have an abortion” Wow. As much as I love fetus, that’s a lot, and I realized that. Clearly, though, Sood did not. Gaurav’s mistake wasn’t that he didn’t cite his source clearly (it can be argued it’s at the end of the paragraph, but it’s very misleading nonetheless); it was that he heard this stat, and didn’t say, “Hey, that’s a ‘grabber’!” A “grabber” is a statistic used to capture the listener’s attention and, perhaps, arouse their sympathy. Grabber’s are often misleading or blatantly incorrect. Gaurav did do a quick scan on the net; he sent me a few of the sites he saw the quote on. Most of them were either grossly amateur or had an agenda. Seeing it here didn’t do much for validating the stat for me, so I went to the source. The Alan Guttmacher Institute, the research arm of Planned Parenthood, reported in an article entitled “Unintended Pregnancy in the United States” by Stanley K. Henshaw that “At 1994 rates, women can expect to have 1.42 unintended pregnancies by the time they are 45, and at 1992 rates, 43% of women will have had an abortion.” Meaning will have had an abortion by the time they are 45 – small typographical difference, but big in meaning. But right now, according to the U.S. Census Bureau the amount of women under 45 (including “Hey, Allah-Bear, I scored a direct hit (almost on their infidel children) is 181,448,000. Forty three percent of that half!) starcraft!” is 78,022,640. That’s still far too many abortions. In fact, upon closer inspection, this often-used statistic is quite unreliable. First off, it relies on abortion rates in 1992. According to both the CDC and the Guttmacher institute the number of abortions have been steadily dropping since 1980 (when it was 29 abortions per 1000 women), and in 2000 (the most recent available statistics) it was the lowest it has been (21/1000) since before 1975, just two years after Roe vs. Wade, when it was 22/1000. Now, take into consideration that population has been steadily growing, and that 43% becomes even smaller. I contacted the people at the Guttmacher institute to see what they had to say about the original, outdated statistics. They acknowledged that it was outdated and the person I spoke to stated, “At current rates, about one in three American women will have had an abortion by the time she reaches age 45.” However, she was unable to show me any sources that lead to this, as “AGI has not yet published this stat with methodology.” Either way, if it was gotten the same way as the original 43% was, then it is still highly questionable due to admitted unreliable survey methods and possible errors, says the original report. Another statistic often flung around is also wretchedly misleading. “Fortyeight percent of women aged 15-44 in 1994 had had at least one unplanned pregnancy sometime in their lives.” However, including the young (15-19) and the old (40-44), as Guttmacher, does significantly raises the rate. I feel confident in saying most pregnancies that occur during these age groups are unintended. Most mothers, according to statistics compiled by the CDC, have children between the ages of 20-39, the bulk being between 25-29 with 1,063,539 births. That many births imply intent. Before and after this age bracket (which Guttmacher includes) the number sharply decreases. By the way, the inaccurate percentage they come up with is used in coming up with the 43% stat. Those with an agenda commonly use misleading statistics. They resort to deceiving; in essence they are demagogues. Another big lie would be the oft-used feminist claim that “One in four women in college has been the victim of rape or attempted rape.” The U.S. Department of Education’s studies of reports to campus police came up with … 1,800 forcible sex offenses (including fondling) each year at the more than 6,300 post-secondary institutions.” According to U.S. News and World Report, “If you triple that number to allow for unreported offenses, it would still come to less than one rape per school each year.” The claim was an outright lie, with no data to back it up. I do not blame Mr. Sood; his mistake makes him one step closer to becoming a ‘real’ journalist. It is a shame that it has become a trend in professional journalism that “grabbers” are used in reports. Sometimes it’s used as an unchecked quote, like in Sood’s case. However, other times it’s used by the more incompetent reporters who use it to make up for their inability to interest their readers with real and important information. So, in conclusion, 92% of Democrats are gay.
MEDIUMOLOGY Aries
NEWS
March 21-April 19
A week of great relief. Without playing with yourself. You may still choose to do so, though. Pluto seems to get out of your 6th house - meaning the relief might be coming or has already come in the form of long expected death and some inheritance.
Taurus
April 20-May 20 I hate you all this week. But let me check how the planets feel about you. Hmmm...I pick 8:10 am ferry ride, baked potato flavoured frozencream, the thought of a possible lover in September 2004, sleepless English, folded newspaper. And I’m still North Pole to you.
Gemini
May 21-June 20
Tall towers for you. Must see waters. Just when you’re about to stress over money or work peel a big yellow orange, mark dollar sings in the white part of the skin bits and cast them into the ocean waters from the tower. And take your time eating the orange on a green plate with silver fork and knife. Don’t walk around the campus in your pjs..
Cancer
June 21-July 22
You work so hard yet the achievement is unsatisfactory. Of course. You’ve been darting the wheel of fortune from behind, which doesn’t count even if you hit the mark everytime. Otherwise I would take a cap home everynight, tell the driver to drive in reverse until my place and expect him to pay me the fare.
Leo
July 23- Aug. 22
Now, you probably wonder whether there is also a wheel of fame. Good thinking. There must be a distinction, right? Because you could also become famous based on a series of unfortunate incidents and then we would remember you in your famous misery. So, let’s assume there is a wheel of fame. Here is the tricky part: sometimes you must take the place of wheel and let the audiance shoot darts at you and hope that some will throw roses, too.
Virgo
Aug. 23-Sept. 22
Silence suits you these days. Sit still ‘till you see your hips getting bigger. You must be tired of carrying your own ladder on your back wherever you go like Christ with his cross. You must be tired of trying to climb up. And can you believe it, we need the ladder also when climbing down. And who is a worst patient than you if fallen. You’ll talk about it for years.
Libra
Sept. 23- Oct. 22 It’s no mystery - your plates are no place for time either and you too are aging rapidly. Look at you ...never mind. Might wanna make a kite and let it in the air on the tip of a thin thread to notice the skies, finally. Its tail will be wriggling in a courting dance to lure rainbow fairies to your spring.
Scorpio
Oct. 23- Nov. 21
The dark caves where you’ve been brooding on your ever more frequent depressions are being flooded with savage foamy waters of ski resort snow piles and you must either run out to the arrogant face of sun or face the degrading slaps of song pieces from random eras with flashes of short road trips lashing viciously your poor mind. Return your tax form.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22-Dec. 21
So you wanna do some nice stuff for people. Some charity. Be an angel and take the world off from Atlas’s shoulders and shoulder it yourself for awhile. That’s plenty for you this week. Oh, and exchange some bread for some tobacco with a Polish man.
Capricorn
Dec. 22-Jan. 19
You get to play Mao Zedung this week: you’re gonna be a people’s man. You’re not gonna hand out saving coupons of the ¢99 store instead of little red books, are you? Ah, damn it! Down With You, then!
Aquarius
Jan. 20-Feb 18
Hug a concrete building column if you think huging a tree is outfashioned. And if you insist on being mean this week, do society a favor - stand on the side of the highway and throw rotten grapefruits at humvees and offer a shot of wheatgrass at the person who drives that 3-wheeled funny vehicule that I see in Highland Park all the time.
Pisces
Feb. 19-March 20 Hey you water people, can you tell me why Atlantis was lost? May it be that everyone in Atlantis started to drive around, in most inappropriate locations, vehicules like hummers and yellow SUVs and then the skies darkened, and then they lost a continent called Fragilicetica? I’m asking you because everyone seems to listen to you this week. You’re strangely powerful. So would you please tell these people that they look pathetically ridicilous in them?
www.themedium.net www.pinkeyedjim.com www.ilovemartinscock.com www.yourmomnaked.com
GMG
“Stupid dyke! You go squish now. (Hope you enjoyed your birthday)”
Random Rant from Dan Migliore, Staff Beerman, GMG Editor
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
Top 5 Places On A Girl’s Body Guys Like To Touch, Unless You’re Fat (Ass/Breasts tied for number one) By A. Skinny Girl
This week, I recieved a very important submission by a very important person. A. Skinny Girl took a very scientific and statistically correct poll. If you would like to see more polls in this section, submit a picture, story, or idea for a poll to FeaturesEd@yahoo.com.
1. Ass: Tight, firm, round, and nice to grab. Men like to grab this when they see a nice one or use them as handles during sex. If you’re fat it just feels like the rest of your body, so why bother? 1. Breasts: Soft, supple, nicely shaped breasts are wonderful to look at and even better to touch. Everyone wants a skinny girl with a nice sized rack. If you have big titties and you’re a heffer, who’s going to want that? He might think he’s grabbing your boobies, but he might be grabbing one of your fat rolls.
2. Stomach: A nice, smooth, tight, flat stomach is something guys love to look at and touch, but not if you’re fat. If you’re fat, then it’s just blubbery and bouncy - I mean who the hell wants to touch that shit?
4. Back: Backs are simply for gentle caressing or massaging, but if you’re fat - it’s like rolling dough to make bread. The thick rolls will just feel like any other part of your body.
3. Waist: A man wants to feel the curves of a woman. The waist is a place a guy likes to grab you or run his hands over, however if you are fat, you would not know what a waist is because it does not exist on your body. Skinny girls just have it good. We are what men want and we give them what they need. Fat girls have it good too. If a man wants a lot to grab, a fat girl is a good option since everything feels the same, and you can pretty much grab any part and it will feel like T & A. Also, no offense to fat girls, I hear they are good in bed (not as good as a skinny girl, but hey whatever floats your boat).
“Everybody has a penis, only girls wear barettes”
Poetry 101 With Alexander the Poet “The Fart” I knew from the start, From the awful smell Someone laid a fart, And it was done well The fart was silent, But very deadly I knew what it meant, The food was healthy Cause when food’s healthy, The farts smell so bad It makes me angry, It makes me so mad If you smell a turd, And it stops your heart I give you my word, Someone laid a fart
“I Want To Give You, My Hot Piss” Tonight is very special, Instead of giving you a kiss Instead of giving you facial, I want to give you, my hot piss! I know you may somewhat freak, But there’s absolutely no need I just want to take a leak, With my hot piss, you, I will feed! Oh how I truly love thee, But I feel that you should just know Your face covered with my pee, It will make my love for you grow!
Tiny Poetry Corner- Brought to you by a Drunken Mob I slid an entire 40 bottle up my ass I felt so alive and liberated You’re gross and fat, Merry Christmas Fat stupid people Al Gore’s head = vagina Girls vomiting Jesus fucking Christ So much shit All the boobs I don’t know Rule: Only comical pornography
Let’s hear it for filler!!!!
I don’t want to cum tonight, I just want a night of pure bliss I just want, some candlelight, I want to give you, my hot piss!
Features
Don’t Take Back The Night By: A Wasted Mind Take Back The Night, otherwise known as a bunch of tampon-wielding hairy virgins running rampant preaching about the evils of man, simply because they cant get laid, has spawned many a heated argument. The requests for its abolition come not only from the evil peniswielding ones, but also from fellow womyn. You see, this little parade portrays all women as angry, irrational and ugly activists who hate men and everything they stand for. This is simply not the case. Many women love sex, and consequently men. Some, most in fact, do not have a problem with intercourse, and do not want to slay all those with a Y chromosome. But I digress. This stupid outburst from Douglass College, has led to so far the most heated backlash of all on the part of men. Appropriately titled Don’t Take Back The Night, this movement consists of men who are sick of hearing bitches whine and scream about the evils of rape. These brave boys took it upon themselves that same night to go out and look for lonely women who are looking for sex. And it is a well-known fact that all girls not wearing a spike-encrusted chastity belt are looking for sex. Especially if they are out alone, at night. The movement proved very successful as many an unfortunate woman reported being accosted on the following morning. Some reporters from The Medium found out about this scheme from an undisclosed yet reputable source (Reputable? I thought it was a Frat boy. -GMG Ed.) and went out to investigate what exactly took place. In many interviews conducted in ditches, dark streets, dumpsters, and most of all frat row (Figures. -GMG Ed.), we have gathered that a total of almost 100 women ‘got lucky’ all in that one night. Some said they were given a roofie colada (That reminds me… Watch Family Guy on Cartoon Network starting 4/20 during Adult Swim. -GMG Ed.), and then led or in some cases carried to a secluded location. Others were cajoled to the location with promises of “conversations” and “feelings”. We have also uncovered that this movement was actually part of a much larger conspiracy, not just men wanting to reacquaint women with the pleasures of commingling. It turns out that a here unnamed, yet very powerful and no doubt malevolent pharmaceutical company had its hands elbow deep in the organization of this protest. The company is responsible for making the “Morning After Pill” and the “Abortion Pill”, so they understandably had a lot to lose if all violence against women is stopped. In fact, they personally put a contract out on the organizers and leaders of the dyke movement, so that they can be silenced. Or at least exposed as dirty fornicators to all their “untouched-by-man” cohorts. Yet more funding was supplied by vehement abortionists and pro-choicers. You see, their number one argument is that victims of rape should be able to abort. Also, these post-rapees are their main sponsors. If there is no more rape, the movement loses most of its credibility, and is left with a bunch of dirty sluts as spokes people. Obviously, the roots of this movement are buried deep within our society and if exposed, undermine all the mores that we hold near and dear to our heart. It is not my job to expound on all disturbing facts that I have uncovered. But I will leave you with the secret manifesto of this society. “Rape happens, just lie back, relax and learn to enjoy it.” Carrying lube would help, that’s just my personal advice.
Odds are, your paper is upside down right now. Or you can read upside-down. Or you’re upside down. Or I didn’t want dead s p a c e .
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
Hey all you crazy college kids! Come on down to a Medium meeting tonite at the LSC, Room 111. It won’t hurt. Us.
Arts
“I don’t want a man with good taste, I want a man that tastes good...”
Girls: Breaking down the barriers of decency by arts ed. For a long time now, we females have been bombarded with the pressure to be “dainty,” “gentle,” and even “ladylike,” whatever that means. This often restricts the ability to be ourselves, for fear of social repercussions. Some girls think that by not acting “ladylike,” guys wont’ like them. So here’s the new plan. Desensitization of the male race to female behavior. Once males get used to females doing and saying what they feel, we’ll all be a lot better off. And maybe moms will stop drowning their kids and driving them off cliffs in minivans. Here are some things that need to be said by women in public:
Living with the HIV thirdworld thanks Thank you for coming to taco bell, hope to see you soon friend!
“When you’re washing your hair, and it gets stuck in your asscrack, and you pull it out real slow, doesn’t it feel naughty?”
i got a fat cat inside was a small mouse terd i ate it all up i have a large dick according to my mother i beg to differ black man with a bat i’m gonna git you sucka holy shit watch out
“Shit, my boob itches, what the fuck?”
my girlfriend stopped by; so i said to her fat face: suck my dick, you whore.
“I gotta pull the plug on this tampon before this place starts lookin like a murder scene.” “Don’t ask me to swallow anything you wouldn’t swallow yourself, jackass.”
my penis itches i hope it’s not a disease i’ll stick to butt sex
*Even Longer Belch* “Fuck, my maxipad keeps sticking to my asshairs.”
“Suck MY dick, Chad. Better yet, Let me put it in YOUR ass.”
timmy likes matches he lit his ball hair a blaze his balls are smooth now
Hey, Jerkface! Bring it to a Medium Meeting, tonight at 9:30 PM, LSC Room 111. Also, if you have any lame submissions, send them to shorty_fat_fat@yahoo.com. The more you send in, the less work i have to do, cockmonster. living with the Tard Arhhhh nurmen nur...
Who the hell just ripped one?
Fuck you, nigga.
nurmen, Mo es muenos!!!
the wind was blowing i was jerking in the tub there was a long howl
“God Damn, why can’t you just eat me out and fuck me? Nobody wants to touch your balls.”
Fuck my ass! I forgot the weed!
zachary for being my first real friend.....
haiku by cheezi, muffucka.
*Belch*
Ladies, please feel free to use these phrases, and make up your own fun sayings! The key here is to be as crass as humanly possible. Get together, be creative, and set yourselves free! P.S. - don’t forget to fart as loud as you can! It’s fun!
by johnny
Wait, are you a hogan? nevermind.
“Damn, I need to take a monster shit.” “Yeah, I need this shitty job like I need a yeast infection.”
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
by johnny thirdworld
shut up you fucking retard!
sob, sob, sob.
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
“Why is everyone who works in the comp lab foreign?”
Ad
Personals Personals
“who’s an asian anal slut? I’M an asian anal slut!!”
To that flaming expos teacher that looks like Spock from Star-Trek: What the fuck is your problem? Expos has nothing to do with the history of the United States. Take your star trek loving ass over to Busch so the small cocked asian’s can stick thier tiny, acne infested dick’s in your swolen asshole. You roll in the cum of an overweight donut-loving policeman to disguise your scent, you satanic, shit loving, fuck munching, pseudo-human android spawn of an existentialist pinball machine repairman. Don’t try and lie your way out of this one. We saw what it said on your phone, about you having a fuckin boyfriend and you really are a pyronecrobeastiality man loving ass pirate! You probably take our papers home and fuck your boyfriend and cum all over our papers so you have to give us random grades because you never read them. You are such a fuckin stupid ass, how did you ever land a job at Rutgers you dumb fucker. Well, have fun sticking your dick in your boyfriends ass you cock-loving bitch. Pray you never meet me on the street caz i’ll fuck you up son, die of gonorrhea and rot in hell you dirty fuck! Love, Your Expos Class
to my fucking roomate X: how many times do i have to tell you to clean up your cum socks from the floor? it’s bad enough from everyone else’s cum sock on our floor, we don’t need another one. keep your pillow humping to a minimum at night, some of us have class in the morning. also, if you’re gonna stick my pen up your ass at least have the common decency to keep it and not put it back on my desk. i know u like asian girls and all but remember im an asian guy and stop watching me while i sleep. fuck you. I LOVE YOU
I Like Girls Names Shirley. Can’t we all just get along and kill the white people? (no objection here. i really hate being white. i wish i was black so i’d get into a good college. white people suck)
(when i was young, my daddy told me it was my job as a white person to fuck shit up for the minorities. unfortunately, things like welfare and affirmative action try to (asians taking EE? whoever thought of such a thing! negate white supremacy.) asians take classes like theater appreciation, music education, and women’s studies. silly personal writer)
(don’t you just love it when you bite into a nice dingleberry when you’re chewing on your pens? come on... you know you do.)
FUCK YOU WHITE BOY. WHO CARES HOW BLACK PEOPLE WOULD HAVE BEEN IN AFRICA. YOU NEED TO GO BACK TO WHEREVER THE HELL YOUR ANCESTORS CAME FROM. IF I’M NOT MISTAKEN THIS LAND WAS THE LAND OF INDIANS. NOW SHUT THE HELL UP CUNT. YOU STUPID IGNORANT WHITE ASS. NOW YOU SHOULD GO READ A DAMN PICTURE BOOK AND GET (pyronecrobestiality - the YOUR WHITE ASS A LIFE. practice of having inter- WHY IS IT THAT IN ALL course with a dead animal THE BOOKS I READ OR which is on fire. (Websters) DOCUMENTARIES I and you didn’t think the dic- WATCH THERE IS ALtionary was cool....) WAYS SOME WHITE PEOPLE DEGRADING Happy birthday mike... i’m OTHERS AND RUINING going to touch your wang OTHER RACES LIVES. now.... No, i didn’t.
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
Next Medium Meeting: the Olsen twins* covered in chocolate sauce!! We promise!! Stop by Livingston Student Center room 111 at 9:30 on Wednesday! *Cam and Bryan as Ashley and Mary Kate, respectively Note: TV Network Logo blacked out to avoid lawsuits Black people have the Nigga Hispanics have the Pendejo Chinese people have nothing. So I propose that we call each other Chinkee just like how blacks call themselves Niggaz. So a conversation could go: A:”Hey whats up Renton?” R:”Oh not much Chinkee, im just doing some EE work.” A:”Word my fellow Chinkee, im gonna go hit it up @ PDPsi. Lata CHinkee” R:”Later my crazy Chinkee. Give them some loving.” See? is that such a great idea and gives up pride and keeps us from getting killed by blacks in case we mispronounce Nigga, which happens with the FOBS.
Sky Blue vodka is disgusting. It fucked me up on several occassions, and when I woke up in the Quadjects with a big fat black man was on top of me...I don’t want to talk about it no more. (someone needs to tell john minus to calm the fuck down...) Why are Korean girls such fucking bitches when it comes to everything?! (the only korean girl i know is a 16 year old pop singer who i’d bang till the sun comes up. although asian women in general seem to be bitchier than usual... probably because (insert asian penis joke/stereotyope/anything to do with rice here) I am not black. I still love rap music. I am a gangsta. I live in the suburbs. I love black people. I have never seen on until now. I love black women. I am white. I am an endangered race on Livingston. I am straight. I have a very gay roommate. I am screwed. I almost got raped by my roommate. I am fucked. I am WHITE.
I am a Chink and proud of it. And no one can take that away from me. (cessna, no matter how hard you try, you’ll never be asian. i assure you.) Please stop it. I am offended by whats presented in the medium, especially last week’s personal written in German. Don’t you ingrates know what my people went through. Sure we have our own country and beat up on Arabs everyday, but we’re people too! I want to find out who this Nazi is so I can shoot him in the head with a rubber bullet, just like what my Israeli brothers did to that whore who tried to stop our Jewish bulldozer. (bush is a nay-zee...)
I am an international student from Germany and I am very offended by the German personal from last week. Just beWhy are you people so mean? cause we are German does not (well, it probably has to do mean that we are all evil. What with the fact that my father have the German people ever raped me at an early age (3 do to deserve this animonsity months). when i was 6, i saw especially from the Jews near my uncle kill someone for the the Rutgers Hillel? German is mafia, but they wouldn’t let not an evil language, I want a me join no matter how hard i pleaded. now i just torture (at least he realizes it. spread white girl as long as she is your message to all your Christian and pure. small animals. toodles!!!) wigger brothers! let your cry www.themedium.net for tha Who hates Brian? I do. I be heard from the rooftops! uppity crackers do... who? You do too. WE ARE NOT BLACK!!) POOP
“John Minus, you are my Hero”
Wednesday, April 16th, 2K3 www.slutgers.com - getting more visits than your sister at her whorehouse on a friday night. (www.themedium.net. getting more hits than a redheaded step child.) To the fucking faggot buttbrothers of Kappa Sigma, Fuck you fucking fucks and your pansy-ass guestlist horseshit. I walk up with 3 girls and cant get in because you make a big deal about the fucking guestlist? Guestlist? for your shitty parties? here’s a suggestion....stop serving beer in tiny little plastic cups you shitbricks.....there’s not even half a beer in that fucking shit. you are seriously pussies you fucking idiots....use fucking real cups. hey asshole who was working the door... how many times did you toss your pledgemaster’s salad to get that position? or did you just cut the foreplay and let him fuck you in the ass? your fraternity is the biggest bunch of anus-admirals and butt pirates next to Phi Delt.....you should get together and have a mixer and toss each other’s salads....queers (Hey, Kappa Sigma is the best gay frat around. I mean if you’re looking for a good gay frat with lots of salad tossing and gerbil foreplay; Kappa Sigma is it. I remember the countless times where I thought I was being handed a bong and it just ended up being a glass tube to shove countless gerbils in my anal cavity. Kappa Sigma, we salute you. Thank you for being the gayest frat around since PIKE.)
The Ebonics Dictionary for NonAnd Social Workers
411 = I need information 5-0 = police 5-0 = run like hell areous = area aw-ite = acknowledged axe = to ask ball out = leave be = are befo = before bemah = automotive vehicle manufactured by the B.M.W. considered tobe very suave amongst a group of homies bent = wasted B.M.W. = Black Man Working or Black Man’s Wheels bo jangling = not paying attention, or being stupid bomb = something that is considered popular or visuially pleasing boo = close friend booty = buttox boyz = gang friends brick = see phat Brurva = An male acquittance buck wild = really crazy bud = marijuana buggin’ = actions in a mannar which is considered to be not socially acceptable in a group of homies bumping = it is to my likeing bust out = to leave busta white = a person who hangs around with but is not wanted busta cap = shoot a gun fire a bullet busta move = to act quickly cent = cents cakes = buttox cap = bullet Cavy Sack = A bag of Weed chillin = Relaxing chronic = marijuana curb job = a comeback attack Rarisan, Go fuck Yourself, you consisting of a thrust to the dental cavity of a adversarial insecure, dickless, cunt of a gang member onto the cewhore! Go suck you boyment confine barrier of a friends off and bitch about be- road ing a shitty Salutorian!Fuck cold-lampin’ = relaxing or you and Fuck Your rrogance. hanging out I dont care if you are a token cop-blockin’ = interfering in Indian, I dont care if you are a one’s relations Token Republican. Next Time cream = money, riches, we cross paths in person, im valueables going to beat your head with a crib = place of residence fucking baseball bat you sad curried = Talked about in an unfriendly manor excuse for a Token Asian! da shit = marijuana (Hey, if it weren’t for the dime = bag of mixed illegal Token Asians in the world, drugs, usually worth monitary who would we make fun exchage units in a factor ten of??? The Niggers!?!) dog = worn out, bad, terrible, How does a fag fake an Orgasm? in bad shape He throws yogurt on the bitch’s Ebonics = ebony and phonback. ics ebony = black (Oh, I was going to say, that dis = that, or too harass he told me he loved me , fol- fitty = fifty lowed up with a glass of flava = means flavor
jungle juice.)
I hate sorositutes because they never fuck me or give me head. The only pussy I ever get is by raping nine-year olds behind my shed. I hate the Asians, Arabs, Jews and the sluts that they use. They never spread around the chicks, then there’s no one to suck my dick. Every day in class, I see fags who take it up the ass, and the fat chicks that think they’re my friends, are gonna get shot in the head before this ends. People think I’m nuts, but they don’t know, that all the black people have to go. Back to Africa on leaky ships, but only after they suck my dick. And lesbos that like to march, are gonna get a visitor in their crotch. That’s it, oh right and there’s you, reading this sucky piece of poo. Free the bunnies, the slaves of Christ will toil on Easter no more.
Alright, so someone sent this in, and they obviously stole it from the net. But it’s cool, cuz this he/she gave me a good laugh. There was also more to it, so if you want to read the rest, you have to wait until next week, or you can come to the meeting tonight in LSC, room 111A at 9:30 P.M
Personals Personals
To that flaming expos teacher that looks like Spock from Star-Trek: What the fuck is your problem? Expos has nothing to do with the history of the United States. Take your star trek loving ass over to Busch so the small cocked asian’s can stick thier tiny, acne infested dick’s in your swolen asshole. You roll in the cum of an overweight donut-loving policeman to disguise your scent, you satanic, shit loving, fuck munching, pseudo-human android spawn of an existentialist pinball machine repairman. Don’t try and lie your way out of this one. We saw what it said on your phone, about you having a fuckin boyfriend and you really are a pyronecrobeastiality man loving ass pirate! You probably take our papers home and fuck your boyfriend and cum all over our papers so you have to give us random grades because you never read them. You are such a fuckin stupid ass, how did you ever land a job at Rutgers you dumb fucker. Well, have fun sticking your dick in your boyfriends ass you cock-loving bitch. Pray you never meet me on the street caz i’ll fuck you up son, die of gonorrhea and rot in hell you dirty fuck! Love, Your Expos Class
To the guy on the 4th floor of Clothier: youre fat and you smell like a rotting corpse festering in the sun. shower for gods sake. if not for yourself and for the sake of losing your virginity someday, then do it for andrew...that poor poor man. you truely are a worthless human being. (Hey, maybe it’s not his fault, he could be Indian, where it’s against his relgion to smell good. God have some fucking decency, your so culturally retarded... I mean what are you? a Spic...) Damn you Chinks and your SARS. Thanks to you I cant goto Chinatown to pick up anymore cheap Asian pussy. Thanks a lot chinks now with your confucious and your stupidity you have finally done something worthwhile to kill us ALL. Fuck You Chink. Fuck you, we should just hire some Germans to gas you all and get rid of SARS once and for all. What we need is not a cure, but a Goddamn Crusade on stupid Chinks like YOU! (SARS, the Asian man’s AID.)
Guys, I was really hoping this was photoshopped, I really was. But unfortunatly, Ryan’s Father really does look like this, if you want to make fun of Ryan for being such a tool, send your personals into
olsentwins@seductive.com
What’s Shakin’
Pray for Mojo.
Wednesday, April 16th, 2003
New York
i ran out of witty things to say two months ago. so just come to the Medium meeting. it’s tonight at 9:30, LSC 111.
New Jersey Wed 4/16 - Local H, Jucifer, Clever Hans - Stone Pony Thur 4/17 - Bad Religion, Sparta - Hunka Bunka Ballroom Thur 4/17 - The Iguanas - Maxwell’s Fri 4/18 - Insane Clown Posse, 2 Live Crew - Birch Hill Sun 4/20 - The Wallflowers, Ron Sexsmith - Stone Pony Mon 4/21 - Tonic, Dakona - Maxwell’s Tue 4/22 - Mull Historical Society Maxwell’s Wed 4/23 - Lifehouse, Fiction Plane Stone Pony Fri 4/25 - Cheap Trick - Count Basie Theater Fri 4/25 - Marah, Terry Little - The Saint Fri 4/25 - Sun 4/27 - Skate & Surf Festival - Asbury Park Convention Hall Sat 4/26 - Stephen Lynch - Stone Pony http://www.themedium.net
Everybody loves monkeys.
Thur 4/17 - North Mississippi Allstars - Irving Plaza Thur 4/17 - Ibrahim Ferrer - Beacon Theater Fri 4/18 - Everclear - Roseland Ballroom Fri 4/18 - Ben Kweller, Adam Green - Irving Plaza Sat 4/19 - Cex - Bowery Ballroom Sat 4/19 - And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead - Irving Plaza Sat 4/19 - Jazz Mandolin Project - Knitting Factory Sat 4/19 - The White Stripes - Hammerstein Ballroom Mon 4/21 - Wed 4/23 - Primal Scream - Irving Plaza Tue 4/22 - Afro-Cuban All Stars - B. B. King Blues Club & Grill Tue 4/22, Wed 4/23 - Widespread Panic - Beacon Theater Wed 4/23 - Brand Nubian - S.O.B.’s Thur 4/24 - Cheap Trick - Beacon Theater Thur 4/24 - Toto - B. B. King Blues Club & Grill Fri 4/25 - The Flaming Lips - Roseland Ballroom Fri 4/25 - Yo La Tengo, Portastatic - Beacon Theater