Volume 38, Number 21
THE DAILY MEDIUM S E RV I N G
T H E
Today: Partly Cloudy High: 69 • Low: 68.9
R U T G E R S
C O M M U N I T Y
S I N C E
WEDNESDAY APRIL 16, 2007
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GO SUCK A DISC
The Rutgers ultimate frisbee team will be playing against New Brunswick Public High School on Thursday and Boy Scout troop #45 this Saturday.
Campus file sharing program goes legit P l a n s t o o ffer affordable “Pay-to-Download” subscriptio n s e r v i c e i n s t e a d BY CAL EN STAFF WRITER
While many still remember when the controversial decision undertaken by Resnet to block access to the “Ruxan” DC hub which is scheduled for April 21, 2008, the moderation staff of Ruxan has been markedly silent on the subject. This has changed, however, due to the recent decision of Ruxan management, in partnership with the RIAA, to shift the service to a legal “Payto-Download” service, a model that is most reminiscent of Apple’s iTunes service. Because of the mounting concerns of illegal file-sharing,
and the heavy bandwidth usage involved, the University’s Resnet service recently decided to block all access to the Ruxan DC hub, effective April 21. Many university students were worried and anxious for the future of their beloved file-sharing network. “I guess it was supposed to be kept on the down-low,” says third-year student Richard Thorndike, “but Resnet found out anyway, and now I got to find a new place to get movies and television shows.” While it may seem a bit clichéd, college students are known for not being very affluent, and Rutgers is no exception. Because of their lack of money, stu-
dents typically would download hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of movies, video games, music, and television shows from the DC network as opposed to purchasing them. “We kept this in mind as we designed the new service,” said Alvin Ng, who is also known as “RUScrewed” the Ruxan moderator, “the service will be affordable, and students will merely pay per byte of downloaded file. However, they will receive a stipend per byte they upload.” Ng went further to describe the service. Any company with copyright holdings on the data being transferred will be
SEE DC++ ON PAGE 5
DC++ user littlenaughtybagels has just been kicked because: Desiree
More Chinese imports found to contain lead Lead found to contain toxic levels of lead
INDEX UNIVERSITY According to reports grammar of Rutgerses Univercity students gets Worserer.
METRO City of New Brunswick to pass ordinance banning the sale of alcohol. UNIVERSITY...............3 METRO.....................5 OPINIONS..................8 DIVERSIONS..............10 PERSONALS............12 SPORTS...........B A C K
ONLINE @ THEMEDIUM.NET
BY GARY KLIMOWICZ ASSOCIATE NEWS EDITOR
A few months ago, it seemed like anything that came out of China was tainted with deadly lead. Children’s toys, cleaning supplies, pet food, nothing was safe. Luckily the Chinese figured out what was
going on and stopped it. Publicly executing a government official seemed to be the perfect way to give retribution to the world, and make China a perfect place to hold the Olympics. Today, scientists discovered that lead they ordered
from an industrial chemical supplier contained toxic levels of lead. “It really could have hurt someone.” Said Joe Schmoe, public representative of Killer Chemicals Inc., a manufacturer of chemicals used by serial killers to gag
their victims. “If any lead got into the lead we were synthesizing, victims could’ve died before they would be killed. And we have a reputation to our clients to make safe deadly chemicals. One of our clients, Hannibal SEE LEAD ON PAGE 17
Murray, others to be demolished in 2012
Lack of interest in writing coupled with College Ave. greening project to blame BY MOJO MORRISON CORRESPONDENT
Last year, Rutgers University held a contest open to students to create an idea for helping College Avenue go green. The winning submission for the contest involves the destruction of many beloved buildings on Voorhees Mall. Murray Hall, Milledoler Hall, and Van Dyke Hall will all be demolished for the greening project. The Plan involves expanding the Raritan river to overflow all the way up to College avenue. This would give easy access for boating to occur, allowing students to row to Douglass instead of taking
gas-powered buses. The problem of water not flowing upward would be solved by gas powered pumps filling the newly lake-ified Voorhees Mall. Additionally, underwater marine biology classes would become available in Scott Hall. Unfortunately, due to budget cuts related to the demolition of Murray Hall, these classes will be cut before they even begin. All of this will take place in 2012, by then, better technology is expected to be developed which will aid in the creation of the lake. Kind of like the gravity gun from Half Life, that would be totally sweeeeet!
If plans go as planned, Murray will get pwned by the upcoming College Avenue Greening Project
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APRIL 16, 2008
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2008 THE MEDIUM The Medium is a student run publication that was founded in 1787 and is based in New Brunswick. Come to a weekly meeting every Wednesday at 9pm in the Livingston Student Center room 113. You can also come to production every Sunday and Monday night at 6pm, in the media room (room 439) at the College Ave. Student center. Send all submissions to themedium.net. Send all illegal aliens to Iraq. The writers of this paper do not necessarily agree with their own views. The Medium is printed on 0% recycled paper. The Medium is a non-profit charity organization committed to delivering high quality free-form slam poetry to inner city elderly couples. CORECTIONS The Editors at The Medium are never wrong. We are always totally awesome. We never make mistakes.
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T H E D A I LY M E D I U M
APRIL 16, 2008
UNIVERSITY
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Frozen Caveman Tries to Register for Fall Classes ASSOCIATED PRESS The polar ice caps are melting at an alarming rate. Many things we did not know that were up there are thawing out of the ice and affecting our daily lives. Last weekend a caveman frozen in the polar icecaps thawed out and wound up on the Jersey shore near Sandy Hook. After removing the condom affixed to his face and the hypodermic needle protruding from his back, both a result of floating in New Jersey’s beautiful coastline for an unspecified amount of time, he began
trudging towards the nearest group of people and yelling incoherently. When a person asked him what was wrong, he looked them in the face and yelled “MEAT!” whereupon he began to wander some more. He eventually found himself wandering in New Brunswick, where he discovered he fit right in with the homeless crowd. But being another useless, jobless, smelly homeless person did not satisfy him and he decided to try to enroll at Rutgers University for the Fall 2008 Semester. Staggering towards
the Registrar’s office, he courses could not be countwas told that since he is a ed for course credit, as the transfer student from the syllabus for them was no longer available. Once he got to the Department of Ice Agery, it turned out that the department had to be cut out of the budget 10,000 years ago so more money could be given to the football program. Becoming very frustrated with the RU Screw, The Frozen Caveman threw his hands up in the air in frustration, claiming that Ice Age, he would have to he would go to L.A. to try go to the Department of Ice to get on the Show “CaveAgery and Mammoths. men.” Furthermore, his arWhen told that rowhead and cougar killing “Caveman” sucked ass and
was fuckin’ cancelled like, 2 months ago, he went to refreeze in what’s left of Anarctica.
“...he would have to go to the Department of Ice Agery and Mammoths.”
Shown here is the student’s college ID picture.
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APRIL 16, 2008
UNIVERSITY
F R E E F AT S A N D W I C H !
Come meet us at the Grease Trucks this Friday from 4pm to 7pm!
Simply give us your name, number, address, Social Security Number, those extra few numbers on the back of your credit card, your ATM PIN, and your mother’s maiden name for one free delicious fat-free fat sandwich! Brought to you by your friendly Rutgers grease truck vendors who are not scam artists in any way.
THE DAILY MEDIUM
Rutgers and UMDNJ to create Institute for the Advanced Study of Fat Fucks LITTLE NAUGHTY BAGELS ASSOCIATE WRITER
Offer expires yesterday. Valid only in Guam, Prince Edward Island, and North Dakota. You Break It, You Bought It. Not Responsible for Decreases in Credit Rating and/or withdrawls from bank accounts. NO CODs.
It was unveiled this week that, well, you read the fucking headline, let’s just get down to it. In an astonishing move by state officials, Corzine and his chief advisors diverted funding from the Route 18 Construction to fund this study. “I mean really, have they actually been doing shit recently? Obviously not since it took me for fucking ever to get into New Brunswick,” commented Gov. Corzine. When asked, Corzine could not recall why he actually wanted to step foot inside one of the many armpits of this state. “New Jersey is called ‘The Garden State’, or so I’m told from my license plate. This comes from all the farmland we used to have back in the day. But nowadays, due to all the fat fucks I see on TV, we are running out of vital space in this country to grow shit. It used to be that this country could survive on all the food grown domestically. Studies have shown that if we were to need that now, it would last about two weeks. Srsly,” stated Corzine. A local woman noticed way more handicapped parking spaces available at the nearby Wal-Mart, as compared to the past. “This is getting out of control. My son tells me that he’s one of the few skinny kids at school and all the fat kids are making fun of him. It used to be all us thin people made fun of the fat kid! What is this overweight world coming to?” SEE FAT next page
FUCKS
on
T H E D A I LY M E D I U M
METRO
APRIL 16, 2008
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COMMUTERS RESORTING TO RAMPS IN ORDER TO AVOID PAYING TOLLS Department of Transportation not amused
BY CAL EN STAFF WRITER
Due in part to rising prices at the pump, many commuters are outraged at Governor Corzine’s proposal to increase toll prices. Many believe that prices are too high even now. Because of that, several commuters are taking to the skies; building homemade ramps, and jumping the tolls. “Yeah, we decided that we weren’t paying those crazy prices no more [sic],” says Roger Smith; leader of the so-called “toll-
FAT FUCKS:
continued from previous page
Scientists at UMDNJ have coined new medical terms, such as gunt, or gutcunt, as well as FUPA (Fat Upper Pussy Area). “We’re really trying to make a break through in obesity, like finding out what the fuck that thing is over the groin-area, but none of us really want to look. It’s going to take some time before we can bring ourselves to look,” Dr. Doctor, Chief of the Study, commented.
jumping movement.” “I just decided to build a ramp and jump over a toll once, and I’ve been doing it ever since, and a bunch of people decided to join up!” Smith went on to mention that the first time he jumped a toll, his rear bumper was severly damaged, causing nearly one thousand dollars worth of damage, totaling his 1980 AMC Pacer. “It was worth it,” added Smith, “just so I could stick it to the man.” Smith was then wheeled back into his hos-
pital room, awaiting surgery for the injuries he sustained after his 1979 Ford Pinto attempted to make a jump. Others are not as lucky. Rick Johnston recently sustained a severe spinal injury, which paralyzed him from the neck down, when he attempted to jump his 1982 Honda Accord over a toll. “The doctors told me that I landed neck-first on a turtle that happened to be walking in that area,” said Johnston, “I guess I owe the turtle my thanks. If he
hadn’t been there, I would have died.” Johnston was unable to continue as he went into convulsions and had to be put in an artificial coma. The turtle has just recently been released from a veterinary hospital. However, despite all the injuries people seem to be sustaining attempting to jump day after day, more and more people join the toll-jumper movement. “Whoo!” Exclaimed a toll-jumper that wished to remain anonymous. “I totally just cleared that toll
with my fucking Fiero!” He then went back to calling a tow truck for his now completely destroyed vehicle. The Department of Transportation spokesperson recently said this; “Please, please stop trying to jump over the tolls with your cars. Hundreds of people have died already, you will only add to the death toll if you join them in this foolhardy idea!” He continued, “just because you saw them do it on the Dukes of Hazzard, doesn’t mean it’s possible!”
“It’s been brought to our attention too that a lot of the female subjects are spending an incredible amount of time getting their hair done and putting on make up. It boggles the mind since a lot of the time, it would be easier just to work out instead, if making yourself look pretty is the ultimate goal.” The average time to get ready in the morning was reported to be three hours, with hydration, exhaustion, naps, and cooking hot pocket breaks, all being a factor with most obese subjects.
DC++:
2006, we started going into talks with Sony and Warner and all the other studios and we’re finally able to release the final product to you soon enough.” Not everybody who heard this announcement was pleased with the results. “This is bullshit!” Said freshman Joey Mendez. “I want to be able to download movies and songs and games for free? What an I supposed to do now?” Responding to Mendez, and similar detractors, Ng had this to say, “Fuck
you. You piece of shit. I’m going to ban you. I’m going to ban you and I’m going to ban your entire fucking building. That’ll teach you for calling it ‘DC++’ instead of DC.”
continued from front page
entitled to the most of the profits being made off the files. The original plan to legitimize the service was based mostly off of the popular music-sharing service Napster’s decision and plan to legitimize following their lawsuit at the hands of the RIAA. “We saw the writing on the wall,” said Ng, “we knew that we would eventually be shut down back in
PRICE BREAKDOWN • All movies from before 1990 - $5.00 •All movies from after 1990 - $7.00 •All music - $0.50 •All television shows - $1.00 •Pornography - $1.00
T H E D A I LY M E D I U M
WORLD NEWS
APRIL 16, 2008
6
Charlton Heston Arranges to be Cryogenically Toasted
Equipment Auction pay less gil for items you need. This week only, we have ethers, Hi-Potions, and the ultra rare Golem PLate Armor. Our silent Auction will be for THE Scorpion Harness, leaping boots, & EMPEROR’S HAIRPIN.
PAGE
Ensures gun will remain in “warm live hands” BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER All-Around Ladies Man
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There have been many noted celebrities who have attempted the increasingly popular practice of cryogenically freezing themselves such as baseball Player Ted Williams and Walt Disney. It involves freezing the human body to the point where cells do not die off and get replaced, effectively “halting” the aging process entirely. But, last Monday, two days after Heston had died, the ToasTee© Corporation announced that the 86 year old deceased man has officially been put into a state of cryogenic toastiness, preserving his pro-gun rights stance. Heston has been a supporter of the National Rifle Association and its pro-gun lobbying efforts and is famous for saying “you can take my gun if you can pry it from my cold dead fingers.” N o r m a l l y, Heston was alive for most
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The ToasTee© Model T-100 Cryogenic Toasting Device that is occupied by Heston is shown here
of the time that his challenge stood and was able to keep his gun. But, he left himself dangerously open to gun prying after he made a single error and died. A side effect of death is cold, dead hands, which is exactly what Charlton did not need. Luckily, the executor of his estate, Lawyer Nathan Steinberg was able to find a way of letting the award-winning actor hold on to his gun, his most prized and valuable possession. “I saw that the
ToasTee© Corporation had patented a new technology that keeps a body warm and ‘full of life,’ figuratively speaking,” said Steinberg. “Charlie gave me the power to do whatever was necessary to keep the gun in his warm life hands.” Heston will be toasted at a temperature of about 250 degrees Fahrenheit until a cure for death could be found. When the Anti-Gun Foundation heard about Heston’s newest shenanigans, they just shook their heads in disbelief and proceeded to weep softly.
T H E D A I LY M E D I U M
APRIL 16, 2008
INSIDE POLITICS
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GOP ENDORSES GEORGE “TRIPLE-U” BUSH has been all these years, and why no one has ever menCORRESPONDENT tioned anything about him, TriWASHINGTON, DC. - In a ple-U mentioned “I live a very surprising move, the Repub- private life in upstate Alaska. lican party decied to forego I hunt and kill animals with plans to endorse Senator John my bare hands for food. That’s McCain of Arizona for the par- why I have these scars on my face.” ty’s presidential nomination. Instead, plans are now underway to endorse someone “Are you sure you new. aren’t just George Coming out of sheer obscurity is what is being de- W. Bush, retardedly scribed as a grizzlier looking twin brother of George W. trying to sneak past Bush the 2 term limit on Currently going by the presidencies?” name of George VVV. Bush (pronounced triple-u) the new Then, a reporter from republican party nominee held a press conference early yester- the Washington Post dropped a bomb by asking “Are you sure day. When asked where he you aren’t just George W. Bush,
BY PABLO JOSE
Is it physically possible for Barbara Bush to squeeze 2 assholes out of her vagina?
retardedly trying to sneak past the 2 term limit on presidencies, by wearing an eye-patch, and scar makeup?” Bush responded “I am very offended by that question and if my brother, George W. Bush were here, he would be too.” The reporter then followed up by asking why he and George W. Bush are never spotted in public together. “We don’t get to see each other very often, he’s a busy man” replied “Tripya”. John McCain has been rumored to be taking on the endorsement for Vice President, although no official word has been released yet. Suddenly, his scar makeup fell off and then he ran out of the room laughing and shitting his pants.
National Debt to be Paid Down With Gift Cards NIGS MCFINKLETON NATIONAL DEBT TO BE PAID DOWN WITH GIFT CARDS CORRESPONDENT With the war in Iraq going on, the state of recession we are in, and government overspending mounting up costs every day, the national debt has recently risen to 600 zab-dillion dollars. Last month’s debacle of the government giving out enormous amounts of free ice cream to illegal immigrants drew heavy criticism from both normal citizens and un-illegal immigrants. Bush’s current plan of relieving the national debt involves returning all the shitty merchandise China has sold us, getting a giant gift card the size of a football flag, and paying the national debt with that. At a press conference, Bush stated that “China has a good return policy on items purchased within the past 20 years. I even saved all the receipts, hehehe.” According to reports, China’s return policy includes full cash refunds for any item purchased within the last 5 years. After 5 years and up until 20
years, all items can be returned in exchange for a gift card. Any returns/exchanges made after 20 years can only be redeemed for sex slaves, with the exception of the original purchase being sex slaves. “It’s a good thing that we made this decision before the 20 year mark, ‘cause the US has enough sex slaves; seeing as how the US is the biggest and fastest growing market for human trafficking.” When asked whether that previous comment will decrease morale among US citizens, Bush retorted: “Hell, US citizens already know about human trafficking, they just don’t care about it enough to do anything. Just like dismal human rights in China, wide spread poverty in Africa and South America, the brutal torture of innocent Iraqi citizens by US servicemen, worldwide hunger, the genocide in Darfur, and not to mention the fact that nearly every single country in the world hates the fucking shit out of us.” When asked if that
previous comment will decrease morale among US citizens, Bush went on to explain more horrible things the US has done, is doing
now and condones in other ference went on in an eternal cycle, in fact, it’s still countries. Another reporter going on right now. asked the same question a third time and the press con-
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OPINIONS THE DAILY MEDIUM
PAGE 8 EDITORIALS
A P R I L 1 6, 2 0 0 8
Solicitors piss off RU student I am sick of all the people that come to our classes and try to solicit our support and participation for their groups and meetings. It’s bad enough we are already in class getting ready for consistently useless and boring lectures, but we have to be harassed by these people. Honestly. Nobody gives a shit. Most recently a girl came to my morning class and attempted to get people to attend a meeting with a guy that works for Walmart. To sweeten the deal she tempted us with the chance for an internship. The only internship that idiots who attend that meeting could get is greeting people on the way in. As for NJPIRG, I support what you do. I choose to watch from the stands. But what pisses me off is when a hot girl comes into our class to speak and all the fucking tools in my class fill out her card in hopes of getting laid. Let’s be serious. How many of those kids showed up to a meeting? My guess is 0. Plus it’s a fucking 450 student lecture. She isn’t remembering any of you. Look, we know that your groups and events exist from all the posters that harass our eyes in every building and at every bus stop. Just get the fuck out of our classes. LAURELS AND DARTS The Rutgers University Police Department reported on Monday that a non-Rutgers work crew accidentally cut several telephone and network lines going to the Busch and Livingston Campuses. The outage was expected to last into the evening. As a result of phone service loss, the RUPD advised “some building alarm systems may be affected” and to call Public Safety Committee on a cell phone. Once again, the RUPD failed to do anything proactive that would actually protect students, such as beefing up security or patrol campus brandishing tasers. Dart. Last week, some skank on the corner of Easton Ave. and Ray St. totally turned my sweet moves down and proceeded to vomit over my friends and me. Then, after she vomited, she started bleeding from the nose because she has some blood disease or something that she can’t stop bleeding after she starts. Then, she tried to get me and my buddies to get an ambulance on the scene to get her to Robert Wood Johnson hospital. For being a totally vapid cunt and still pretending to be dead as an excuse for not returning my phone calls, Stacy Jordan earns a vomit-riddled dart. Today The Medium came out and fooled all you guys into thinking it was The Daily Targum. For being supremely awesome and clever, everyone at The Medium gets a laurel. Today, Laurels and Darts was actually entertaining thanks to the geniuses here at The Medium. For being laurely and darty, laurels and darts gets a Laurel QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Those poor, poor children. The loss of funding towards healthcare for the children of unemployed workers is abysmal considering the budget cuts have also affected funding towards their higher education.” Mary May Louise is a Cook Campus Alumni who supports funding for higher education and is currently advocating contacting your state governor and senators.
OBAMA INITIATES HIS PLAN FOR TROOP WITHDRAWL FROM IRAQ - OPERATION EYES WIDE SHUT.
Apparently Freedom Really is Free... to Liberal, Narcissistic College Kids
A
ttention all granoladoes not exist. Pretty eating, potato-sack Good friends...in hell. wearing, John LennonTake your liberal jarwanna-bees: I cannot gon of garbage and stand you. If I have to listen to uselessness and bitch one more of you far-left idiots to your single mother rant on the Iraq War or worse, who hates you for makBarack Obama, I will throw up ing your father leave all over you after eating your because you couldn’t eye balls straight out of your stop taking ballet lesskull with a spoon crafted from THE PATRIOT sons when you were 16. your fibula (a bone in your lower leg). You are stupid and young , and unLast Thursday, a Major serving fortunately your mind is terribly malleable. in the US Army wrote a beautiful article You are more susceptable to an angry loscriticizing RAW and the teachers that er’s agenda then you realize, and you have “pontificate” its platform to mask their been sucked up by it like most of the stuown trecherous beliefs. Then, some brildents here at NJ’s Most Liberal University. liant sophomore, majoring in history, So, Jason, it’s not entirely your named Jacob Petterchak, fault that you wrote such a “Then, some brilliant had to take a big dump stupid, stupid letter to the all over it, thus raining all sophomore...Jason Targum. RAW, has done over my parade and mak- Petterchak, had to take its fair share of damage to ing me absolutely irate. this quasi-gifted population Let me tell you a big dump all over it, of young college students. something, Jacob Pet- thus raining all over RAW is the type of ter-full-of-crap, Saddam my parade and mak- organization that makes my Hussein was never “pretty skin curl and my stomach ing me irate. good friends” with Donknot. RAW is the most unald Rumsfield. Where patriotic, most un-American the hell did you get your group of mindless, arrogant, information from, the Arab-ProWestuseless bums I have ever come across second ern-Fantasy-Land-of-Love-and- Peace? to the Dungeons and Dragons Dating Club. No, no you didn’t, because such a land SEE
PATRIOT ON PAGE 11
THE MEDIUM WELCOMES LETTERS TO THE EDITOR AND COMMENTARIES FROM ALL READERS Due to not having any space limitations, submissions can be any length you want. If a commentary exceeds 750 words, you will probably be the next editor. All authors must include a pen name to be printed, or else we’ll give you one you might not like, or even use your real name. Anonymous letters will be printed, though we’ll probably comment it to shit because you were too much of a pussy to include your name. All submissions are subject to editing for length, clarity, and humor. A submission absolutely guarantees publication. Please submit via e-mail to opinions@themedium.net. The editorials written above represent all, some, or none of the opinions of The Medium Editorial Board. All other opinions expressed on the Opinions page, and those held by advertisers, columnists and cartoonists are not necessarily those of The Medium, so go fuck yourself if you’ve got a problem with them.
OPINIONS
THE DAILY MEDIUM
PATRIOT continued from page 10 Like the Major said last Thursday, if you go ask the troops if your words and actions actually do make us feel supported, we will tell you not just “no” but “HELL NO.” You think we like sweating and toiling away in miserable conditions, risking our lives so that you can go walk down Route 18? Give me a frickin break. And last time I checked, the radical Islamofascists of the Middle East are still killing innocent civilians and American troops. That’s not our fault either, just in case you were going to blame the US and its politics. Blame the British, you uneducated swine. You know what, don’t blame anyone because there’s no point asking what could have been. It’s about time the American people realize that because we are high and mighty moralists, we must finish what we started, not leave the Iraqi people succestable to a bloody and inevitable Civil War. Okay, so my last point is, if you really want to help the troops, if you really, really, want to make an effort in proving that you support them, get off the picket line, and go t o your local grocery line and buy some candy for our men and women overseas. Hey, it may sound stupid to you, but it can make a world of difference to someone thousands of miles away from their home, working 18 hour days, not showering, and fighting off insurgent gunfire all so that you can sleep soundly at night under the protection and safety of this glorious and wonderful nation.
The Patriot is a Rutgers College Senior majoring in History, but is infinity times smarter than Jacob Petterchak. I do not welcome feedback because I do not care what the hell you have to say about this article. You are all annoying and should stop talking and/or breathing before I stop it for you.
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Bad Santa Professor on domestic violence, and I Respect that. But he is a terrible professor. I know I sound like really hope that someevery other dumb piece one reads this, but if no one does, then that is of shit that fails a test and okay, I just really need to get blames it on the professor, this off of my chest. Anyone but when you say one thing who is taking Victimol- is definitively going to be ogy with Dr. Albert Roberts on a test, THEN COULD knows that he has got to YOU PLEASE PUT IT ON be one of the worst profes- THE TEST. Instead of putsors, no, the worst professor ting the most random and I have ever had. Seriously specific stuff that you didn’t what is the deal with him? Is say would be there. Some other points to there any consistency whatsoever to any of this class. point out, every single class I’m aware that Dr. Roberts is you are 20 minutes late, and the leading authority in the then you keep us 10 minutes country, possibly the world, after class. And one thing I
Commentary Mojo Morrison
I
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Get a job, hippies! Commentary
Ronald Buckley-Freidman Sure, those liberals say they are concerned about the ecology and the environment. But I think they are just a bunch of filthy lying hippies. The biggest example of this is their whining about car pollution. They say that if more rode trains and busses to work instead of driving, it would be very valuable. But do they realize that one train pollutes more and uses much more energy than a car? I propose we tear down the Northeast Corridor and replace it with an eight-lane superhighway. Not only would it take those gasguzzling trains off the tracks, it would cause much relief to congestion on other roads. Sure, the hippies will whine about it, but they don’t have jobs and they don’t care about you going to work. Ronald Buckley-Freidman is a Livingston College Senior
have and will always remember is when some unfortunate girl had to take a make-up exam, and she had (what sounded like) a very important appointment right afterward, like in 20 minutes. AND YOU MADE HER TAKE THE WHOLE DAMN EXAM, saying that you were more important than the person she had an appointment with; to me that is a little fucked up. I have learned barely anything from the lectures, because they are nonexistent. Calling your lectures “lectures” is an insult to lectures. All you do dur-
ing class is ramble on and on and on and on and on about things that are somewhat related to Victimology, but nothing that is of any educational relevance. I wouldn’t even come to class if it weren’t for attendance. It would be better to devote time spent in class to strictly reading the books. Oh yeah and to add insult to injury, I’m writing this editorial during your class. Mojo Morrison is a reference to Jim Morrison and the lyric “Mojo Rising”
Like what you see? Come to a meeting this Wednesday at 9:15PM in Room 113 of the
Livingston Student Center. Don’t like what you see? Come anyway.
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THE DAILY MEDIUM
DIVERSIONS Whoreoscopes/ Meat Head Sandwich
Dildo-bert
Today’s Birthday: (04-16-08). This year Let go, stop trying to dismiss your alter-ego, and get ready to buy some new pants. Although your ass is going to inscreass in size by 400% as will the potency of the things it expels, you will learn to make the best of this shitty situation.
Calvin and Hobbess 4:20 Aries (March 21- April 19) Based on your tight time schedule :a tough decision is in the near future, massochism or sadism.Although beating your meat feels great, beating your spouse will prove to feel much greater.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) Relax. Take a deep breath. Don’t let your incestuous thoughts get you down, the only thing you can do to releave yourself of this burden is to act on them. The reduction of your anxiety doesn’tstop there, just think, Grandma won’t even remember after you rape her!
Gemini (May 21- June 21) Your imaginary friend? Not real. Sorry. But you will have tons of imaginary friends once you discover the art of stalking and continue to major in it in college.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) You will be diagnosed with cancer, but in will make you an amazingly talented dancer.
Virgo (Aug 23- Sept. 22) They are going to find out that you suffocated your brother with a bag, that you first, farted in. Nice new spin on an old favorite, your clever ways are going to be helpful to you this month.
Libra ( Sept 23- oct 22) Your assertive nature will help you with your insertive nature this month if you know what iyem sayyyyiiin
Scorpio (Oct. 23- Nov. 21) Don’t be so serious with your lover this month. Let your inner child out, just make sure that they don’t listen to Michael Jackson’s music.
Sagittaruis (Nov.22-Dec. 21) That half ounce blunt you rolled last nght but felt guilty about it so you didn’t smoke it? Light that shit up, you deserve it yah bastard, but next time dont be such a nig, and roll a joint instead.
Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 19) This week you are really going to like corn, and will find that you will like it even more when you see it in your doodie. So take a stand, be more condifent in yourself, solve your financial problems regarding food, gain that satisfaction your are seeking, and dig in.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb. 18) Switching your cereal from corn pops to raisin bran may prove to help your colon, but stop kidding yourself. You need to reevaluate your life choices this week and realize that not only do you gotta have your pops you gotta not be a butt licker all the time.
Pisces (Feb. 19- March 20) Your amazing multi-tasking abilities this week allow you to be the perfect asshole, AND perfect douche at the same time! Keep up the good work and don’t give up. You go to Rutgers University so the competition increases exponentially with each passing day.
COME TO A MEDIUM MEETING WEDNESDAYS @ 9 : 15 LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ROOM 113 BEEEEEYATCH!
Get Funky
THE DAILY MEDIUM
DIVERSIONS
Last Dick Effing BIZARRO
Peen-NUTS
Pop Culture Shock Therapy
Bart’s Joining of PETA lends them a potent new Catch phrase Crossword hints: Across:
Down:
2 Sometimes a type of porn 3 Ok word to say in front of teachers 4 To wash it out 5 Little ones 7 Kind of truck 9 This aztec’s revenge 12 Creepy bear toilet paper brand 13 Should’ve chewed it better 14 Ooops better check your undies 15 These don’t sink
1 British Exit 2 Chicken poo 3 Spanish poopie 6 Keeps it in 7 Squirty 8 Rectal Glaciers 10 Left Behind 11 Giggle worthy name 16 not bread 17 Maybe a curly one
T H E D A I LY M E D I U M
APRIL 16, 2008
INSIDE BEAT
PAGE
20 Signs You Are Probably Your friendly neighborhood... A Hipster Asshole CAMPUS BATHROOM BY SATANIC YODA & Friends 1. People ask you if you’re homeless when they see you on the street. 2. You often accuse people of “not understanding” or “not appreciating” the music you listen to while you take heaping shits on the music everyone else likes. 3. One of the descriptions on YourSceneSucks.com fits you at least 70% of the time
Hello my good chaps and today we have a feature here for commuters or people who like to shit at places that are not their homes. I will be rating the best spots in my opinion to take your dump in public according to three measures of quality (1 being the worst, and 5 being the best for the first two); Graffiti Content, or should you bring something to read; Obscurity or do people know about it/ would they be going
4. You claim to have extensive knowledge of music Livingston Campus: and can’t seem to learn a god damn instrument yourself, so Let’s face it, it sucks to live here and it sucks even worse you bitch about how other people play theirs. to commute. Most bath5. You have a slight orgasm when All Points West is rooms here are in highly mentioned – a festival that not one real person gives a rat’s trafficked areas. I did find one place, though. ass about. 6. You read the Rutgers Review or a similar publication (*cough cough* the ACTUAL Inside Beat, which is a much better product anyways) 7. You’re a Democrat, but only because voting is cool nowadays. 8. But at the same time, you bitch about the government and “the man” who is somehow trying to hold your lazy, stinky ass down. Because of this, you have secret pink-o-commie-anarchist leanings. 9. You have more unnatural holes on your face than Jesus did on his hands and feet combined 10. Any non-hipster instantly labels you either a “bitch”, “fag”, or “crybaby pussy” when they see you. 11. You want people to leave Britney alone. LEAVE HER ALONE!
16.
You had a sweet 16 party and your a boy.
17. If you work at Starbucks, you probably fit in this category. If you work at a Starbucks inside Barnes & Noble, theres no fucking doubt. 18. If you changed your name to “Rain” or “Sunday” or “Debbie Downer”. 19. Let me guess - cell-phone-mirror-reflection-selfportrait for your MySpace pic? 20. You use some shitty font like Comic Sans, or Century Gothic.
GUIDE
out of their way to find it (college students are lazy fucks); and finally foot traffic, or do you like being alone or do you like other the hear your noises and get off on the fact (1 is low traffic, 5 is high). Don’t fret, I have a safe spot on every campus for you guys (and girls)! By the way, I write this as a dude so not everything will apply to the ladies.
Douglass Campus Center, the Bathrooms on the second floor: Shit. A lot less people will go to the second floor of a building than will go to the first. Graffiti Content:1/5 Obscurity:2/5 Kilmer Library, 2nd Floor Foot-Traffic:3/5 Bathroom: It’s not hard to find, but it has a little less Loree Hall, by the Bowlfoot traffic than the rest of ing Alleys: I first learned of L-town. Otherwise, wtf are these when I was in RUMA. you doing on Livingston to Well off the beaten path. begin with? For those that don’t know, Graffiti Content: 1/5 they are on the bottom floor Obscurity:2/5 underneath the exercise sci. Foot-Traffic:4/5 dept. Take that you jocks! Graffiti Content:1/5 Cook/Douglass Cam- Obscurity:4/5 pus: Foot-Traffic:1/5 Oh you’ve got it good if you commute here. Not as good College Avenue: as Busch but pretty good. Alexander Library, floor 2B Let’s start with the best. Bathrooms: Again, many a
CCC, the bathroom by the Green Print Office: Ladies and the pee-shy take note 12. You constantly suckle your lip ring like it’s your there is both a male and a mom’s teet. female bathroom here that are, *GASP* single use, 13. When you fall in love with the most obscure band lock from the inside. Don’t in the world, you are devastated when someone else finds abuse the privilege. Or bathem and likes them too. bies for that matter. Teens, maybe. 14. The pants you wear are not tight enough, so you Graffiti Content:1/5 invest in denim colored paint to cover your legs with. Obscurity:5/5 Foot-Traffic:2/5 15. You like stupid shit like Fall Out Boy.
12
gers papers, WRSU, The Targum and some other shitty groups. Graffiti Content:1/5 Obscurity:3/5 Foot-Traffic:1/5 Frelinghuysen A2 Basement: This one has funny graffiti probably by old Medium editors. Only noteworthy for that. Graffiti Content:4/5 Obscurity:2/5 Foot-Traffic:3/5
Busch Campus: Hill Center Basement, near Math Library: I love the peace and quiet. Graffiti Content:1/5 Obscurity:5/5 Foot-Traffic:1/5
Hill Center 2nd Floor by CS Computer labs: I did some person will not trot up steps nice graffiti here. Kinky for no reason so this one is couples take note, this is a probably free 9 hours out of co-ed bathroom. ten. Not that I take an hour Graffiti Content:4/5 to shit, mind you. Obscurity:5/5 Graffiti Content:1/5 Foot-Traffic:1/5 Obscurity:5/5 (Hard to find!) ARC, Second floor men’s Foot-Traffic:2/5 bathroom , stall in the middle: I keep coming back for Rutgers Student Center, the graffiti. Take a look and 4th Floor: It’s nice. Nobody add some Jewish propganknows about it but the Rut- da. Graffiti Content:5/5 Obscurity:2/5 Foot-Traffic:3/5
Yeah, yeah. I know. The Inside Beat isn’t where this stuff should go. But that’s where we put it, by gum! In fact, if you have a problem with it, I might be forced to KILL YOU. Come to our meetings! LSC 9:15 Rm 119
T H E D A I LY M E D I U M
CLASSIFIEDS
APRIL 16, 2008
How to Place an Ad: 1. Come to Room 113 of the Livingston Student Center on Livingston Campus at 9:15PM on Wednesdays 2. Email your ad to: personals@themedium.net 3. ??? 4. Profit $$$
PERSONALS To the people in my econ class: do you not know how to fucking let a door close quietly? Every time it closes, it slams and I get startled. Do you feel special when it slams behind you cause we all loot at you glare? I guesso, dicks. Wide ruled paper? Go back to elementary school. This is college, bitch. Depleteable resources: gold, lumber, ore, vespene gas... Don’t you fucking dare feign interest when I talk to you, considering I smile and nod to all your trivial bullshit that you call your existence. Vomiting. In a tub. Naked. All night long. College!! Fuck you fucking Microsoft word. Stop trying to fucking correct my horrible spelling and grammar. It’s the fucking personals section. Who gives a shit that it’s incorrect. Suck a dick bitch, suck a dick! (You should see these things before they get filtered through Microsoft Word. It’s more scribbley than a connect-the-dots done by Michael J. Fox.) To that black kid who was reading The Medium on the B, you should come to meetings. We need more minority representation at meetings, so we don’t seem like uppity hicks who use fake names to hide our racism, cause that totally isn’t true. We’re open to all races, which is why when we make fun of one race, we’re quick to make fun of others too. Biggotry for all! To the guy who hated The Medium last semester: I’m glad I could bury the hatchet with you at the rock wall. One less person who prays for our untimely deaths is an added bonus. (I understand why you have naked people in here, but what’s the point?)
UNFUNNY RANTS
INTERNSHIP
Just because I’m a local fauxcelebrity around Rutgers doesn’t mean I have get my way all the time. I mean, I can’t fucking climb all the trail at the Rock Wall Gym. But I will say this: I can’t fucking tolerate the incessant techno bullshit that plays all the time. Let me put this in writing, so all may know: Techno is fucking terrible. It’s god-awful. I don’t need to feel like I’m in a Rutgers exercise promotional video whenever I’m doing anything in that place. Adding techno to anything makes it seem way cooler. Listen to techno while using a computer and it’ll make you feel like you’re hacking. You know why everyone doesn’t mind techno? Because it’s bassy ambient noise. There’s no skill involved to make techno. Strongbad, from Homestar Runner made a fake one making fun of techno and it became popular. See my point? Put ACDC back on , or repeat the same songs by Red Hot Chili Peppers, or anything. Anything is light years ahead of that electronica shit that the head of the Rock Wall insists on.
Icanhasinternship?
(There goes your membership, buddy.)
CLOSET HOMOPHOBEIA PK-Fire! PK-Fire! PK-Fire! PJ: I feel ya, this does suck. Why the fuck do we have the longstanding tradition of spoofing the Targum? Why honor them when all they do is shit on us and throw out our papers? Fuck this perfect format shit, considering most of our readers probably wouldn’t care if the margins are just off, or the text just isn’t correct. Fuck it dude, let’s go bowling. I carry around a piece of paper in my pocket that I’m supposed to use to write down personals as I think of them during the week. It never happens anymore though. So please, submit. There’s no good reason to not submit. To that kinda/probably gay kid at my friend’s party: When you sing 99 Problems by Jay-Z and trying to prove your manlyhood, you’re fucking crashing and burning. You are so awkward and bad around girls you make it so clear that you’re gay. There’s nothing wrong with that, just be yourself and I wouldn’t have a problem.
Non-engineers desired for exciting internship with Bank of America, WalMart, and Shop Rite. If hired, will lead to a job post-college, regardless of academic achievements and GPA. Graduation from College optional. Apply today!
LARGE TEXT GRABS ATTENTION P. Jizzle, my rap game is so tight it makes other plays be hating on me. Dem suckas be hating cause my rap skills make dem make no cheddar. “To the Future and Black”, the new album from Me is coming out. It features 75,000 songs on it, all about 1 nanosecond long. If you listen to the whole album, it’s just me saying, “Ay yo”. My flow is too tight. (Shit’s hot wha-um
Dear white shitty Russian-looking nerdy geeky stupid ‘ugly’ pre-med girls I hate you all!! Go back to Russia or wherever! yeah I’m being a racist here. you are all horrible and every single of is just too chatty and you are all full of shit! You don’t even know anything about shit just go back to your home country and and fix your brain. you naughty nasty snobby assholes fuck you. p.s: I personally like Indian Asian White Black Green Hispanic but those shitty Russian-looking nerdy geeky stupid ‘ugly’ pre-med girlz w e i r d o s
VANILLA ICE
playa. Nasayin’?)
JOB OPENINGS Overworked, overpaid, undersexed student/IT guru seeking attractive female for stress relief. Must be compatible with irregular work schedule. Applicant should be capable of intelligent conversation, available 11PM-9AM, cup size C or better. Knowledge of Unix a plus. I’m sitting in Orgo right now and I want to tell everyone that this new fucking bitch that teaches this class looks like a fucking zookeeper. She can’t teach for shit and I’m failing as it is. She needs to jump into the Raritan and not come back up. (She’d have to kneel, since the Raritan is only about five feet deep or so. I also heard the crew team once found a corpse in there.) Fucking nigger bitches on the EE that got off at Rockoff on Tuesday night that smelled like apple sauce and too much hairspray that were eating Frostys, not realizing that it was spilling on themselves while they were bitching about dat fukkin rain and laughing for no apparent reason. Just because you’re pieces of shit doesn’t mean you can litter and leave your shit around.
TUTORING RB: why you gotta be such a dick? I mean really. I study my ass off for your exam and then you ridicule me and others during your impossible exam. You’re asking shit you never went over in class, mainly secret math tricks that you learn when you’re been doing this for as long as you have, and you put an impossible amount of work on the exam. The amount of work you put on there is like you said to us, “Ok class. You have an hour to drive from here to Florida. It’s totally possible. Oh, and I’m not providing you with a car or anything. Why are you still standing there?” Fuck your class. Thanks to that exam, I’m probably going to be repeating Calc 5. It’s bad enough I’m already graduating late. Fuck! (The good thing is, once you’ve had the Professor that I’m talking about, every other Professor from here can only be better.) Rut-roh, It’s almost the end of school and I still have a ton of meals, but about $100 on my Knight Express. I’m completely fucked in the dining hall department. We all know eating at the dining hall is like starving, cause the shit just runs right through you and doesn’t even stop to get digested.
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COMPLAINTS
Dear RU Grill: Yeah, I’m talking to you, the entire establishment. Never again will I fucking order from your place again. Since no one likes reading a giant block of text, I’m going to divide this over several personals, so you understand how much you guys blow. Enjoy. (That’s a pretty good idea. If you have similar issues to the following, I suggest you too stop eating from this royal fuckery.) First off: you never fucking listen when you’re on the phone. How difficult can it be?You consciously made an effort to pick up something and put it to your ear, yet you can’t hear me, so I have to yell at you my order. And why the fuck is there always someone banging shit on your end? Say, “Hey bro, shut the fuck up, I’m oh the p h o n e . ” Third: One Hour is an hour, no matter what time of the day it is. As a business, it shouldn’t matter what time I call. I’ve gotten, “We’ll be there in an hour” and I had my food delivered four hours later. FOUR FUCKING HOURS!!! That’s not even fucking close! When I asked what the fuck took so long, the delivery guy said, “You shouldn’t call at Midnight, that’s the busiest time.” No shit you asshole, that’s when drunk people get hungry. An hour is an hour. If it’ll take four hours, say so. Fourth and final complaint: Am I the only one who gets, “Hey, bro, c’mon, $X tip?” Yes, that’s right. Cause you’re shitty at your job, you get a shitty tip. That’s how tip fucking works you asshole. I’m not going to reward your shitty response time with money you don’t deserve. And don’t fucking call me “bro.” We’re not friends, you’re a hired laborer to me so don’t try to bring yourself above that level. You get a dollar because you took forever, and the meal is $10. 10%. Like I said, shitty service, shitty tip. Most people, I’m sure, don’t even tip you. So don’t fucking ask for more money. If I wanted to see panhandlers I’d go to the train station. (There. Now that you agree with me, we’ll stop eating there. If you do like RU Grill and Shittery, by all means, keep eating there. La Famila’s pizza is better.)
13
To the bitch at Brower that cut every salmon piece in half at lunch. WTF is your problem did you need to cut three of them in half for you to pick the right one? You know the lunch lady had to throw those 5 pieces away because you cut them in half after you walked away. Did the fucking hair dye bleed into your skull and made you more retarded?
DEATH THREATS To the Asian bitch that wasted all our time at the Rutgers Post Office. California does not need a customs clearance form to send mail there you dumb bitch, it is part of the 50 States of America. Maybe in China you need to do that, not here. And don’t fucking use a priority postal box when you want to ship it the slowest possible way. To that fucking asshole near Nichols on Sunday the 13th playing with their car alarm for over an hour straight: What the fuck is wrong with you? I will fucking slaughter you the next time you pull some shit like that. We’ll take a and we’ll eat
swim feces.
I LIKE TURTLES
Oh-stop oh-stop u u u u u u u h h h h . I c a n t b r e a t h e !
PUPPY BOWL IV Dear Entropy: why don’t you make any sense. I mean, like, you do, but I don’t get you. You’re going to make my fail this fucking class with my awesome Professor, that I love oh so much. To Gandalf: you are an evil-hearted bastard, why the fuck do you have to rip us all a new asshole on your impossible exam. It’s not like Calc 5 is hard enough, but to have someone tell you you’re an idiot over Sakai, who’s in the position to instruct you on how to things properly just adds insult to injury. You suck. Little boxes on the hillside, little boxes made of tickey tackey
CLASSIFIEDS
THE DAILY MEDIUM I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts. There they are a-standing in the road. Big ones small ones some as big as your head... ( W h a t e v e r . ) No, Gwen Stefani, that shit really isn’t bananas. It’s more like “this shit is fucking annoying as hell and is making my ears bleed!” It would be sweet if you died.
WANTED Expensive hooker seeking rising, asshole politician (redundant, I know) with political career to ruin. Remember Elliot Spitzer? That was me, mo’ fucka. Send resume to my huge vagina along with $2000 application fee or call 1-800-EAT-BALLS Yo dude I totally need some good, dank bud yo. This middies shit is really letting me down. Death, Inc. is looking for new victims - I mean, employees. Applicants must bleed profusely (company secretly), enjoy having their organs ripped out and having their limbs ripped off. Please come to our office and we will kill you - whoops! I really meant that we will discuss your career opporitunities! Raises and benefits available! Dude, I totally need to get laid. Seeking anything to fuck that has a pulse (So you’ll take goats and sheep too? Wow, you’re a fucking creep, and that’s a lot if it’s coming from The Medium) I need a class to take next fall that DOESN’T totally fucking suck. Send ideas to RUSCREWED@rutgers. e d u
WOW! A FEW ACTUAL PERSONALS! To generic asshole that everyone has in their class: fuck you you suck blah blah blah blah go eat poo blah blah blah I hope you die etc. etc. Who ever said Günther for Rutgersfest, I totally fucking third that. Oh..you touch my tra la la.. (You are totally now my new best friend. Mmmmmm, my ding ding dong.) Dude, why are the Targum and Review and Centurion so amazingly shitty? I wish I knew why...
Friends don’t let friends get Dells. You know you have broken hinges or some other fucked up shit with your gay Inspiron. Blame the dumb older generation known as our family for always thinking they know their shit. Im stuck outputting my video through vga onto a lcd hdtv because my screen is cracked. Dude, don’t get a Dell. NAWM AND SHMIM!! Watch me bubble in a hubble! Donkeystars.com ftw! Wow, I am a really nice person. Seriously. Basically, me and my girlfriend would have sex like twice every Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday night, but due to my roomie not going to a single class (he doesn’t even study. how the fuck is he still here?), I tell my hot woman to wait until Thursday night when he leaves for home. He is lucky he lets me scrub some hot pockets and chocolate milk off of him, but that doesn’t justify deferring two loads. I demand some pringles as well for the sacrifice my scrotum makes. So my douche bag of a roommate can’t take a joke. We drew a nice little picture on his wall of a giant black penis, and he starts to cry like the little bitch that he is. He goes to my RA and cries to her and attempts to get me in trouble. He even goes far enough to attempt to get my girlfriend kicked out of the room. Look here faggot, you do nothing but sit your fat ass on the chair and eat all the food that me and my girlfriend bring every week. You should be grateful that we are even feeding your repulsive, obese, dirty ass. You have no right to even ask me for money for something I didn’t do. If anything, you should be paying me for all the shit you steal from me. By the way, you aren’t a bad ass you little cunt. You can pick on girls and call them bitches all you want, but you can’t stand up to three guys that wanted to kick your ass. Suck my dick fat ass. Thank god there is only one month left. (Wow, you write a lot and really hate your roommate. Then again, it sounds like I would hate him too, but only because I’m one of the few people who actually took the time to read that.)
SOMETHING A LOT SHORTER YOUR PENIS!! HAHAHAHA PWND R O F L C O P T E R !
Graduate student in need of puppies to practice neutering and spaying procedures. All puppy owners will be compensated for their travel. Not responsible for animal death or cruelty. Please call Dr. Doghyde at 732-885-0452.
FREE CRACK GIVEAWAY So is it just me, or does the class selection each semester get shittier and shitter? Most of the trouble I had making my schedule for next semester’s typical bullshit was finding something that was actually worth taking, never mind it being full. I mean really, who gives a fuck about the History of Zionism? I sure as hell don’t, and I’ll be the damn kikes don’t either. I guess a bunch of fags running around in football pants are more important to Dick McCormick in lieu of why I actually came to this god damn university in the fucking first place. Lick my balls.
TESTICLES I
has
them.
So I totally just had a revelation. I’ve been fucking tired as hell lately, and I originally thought I was just burnt out from the lessthan-average pot that I’ve had recently. Then I had coffee for the first time all week (FUCK BEING TOO SICK TO DRINK COFFEE!) and I feel so much better. I never realized how addicted to caffeine I was. Thank you, Medium! (Derrr,
for
what?)
Generic, dumb freshman girl with no personality seeking sorority to join. I am more than willing to spread my legs and receive dicks of all kinds on command and have my Facebook status be “OMG I LOVE MY BIG ETC ETC WE HAVE HOT LESBIAN SEX ALL THE TIME OMGOMG!” I’m willing to have at most 3 abortions and am able to pass a blood test with straight A’s. My email is toosexy@hotmail.com. PLOW PLOW
MY MY
VULVA! VULVA!
Asian co-ed selling my mini-skirt. It never stays on so I figured I might as well just get rid of it; it spends more time on the floor than covering my ass.
APRIL 16, 2008
VARIOUS AND NOW FOR BULLSHIT THAT SOMETHING COMNOBODY CARES PLETELY DIFFERENT ABOUT So yeah, I totally got a new version of the RU Screw last weekend. I had the utmost misfortune of getting really sick on a weekend when all of the health centers are fucking CLOSED, so what would have been a managable case of tonsillitis became a really nasty infection in the back of my throat to the point where I couldn’t swallow soft-serve ice cream (and no, Corey, I’m not confusing it with semen). Why the fuck are the health centers, you know, the places in charge with keeping students ALIVE not open at least for a few hours on the god damn weekends? I know for a fucking fact that 2 years ago they were open on the weekends and would have been able to save my ass and maybe even not screw me out of my Taekwondo tournament last Saturday that I had to miss because I was sick. Fuck these god damn budget cuts, and moreso, FUCK THAT GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING STADIUM EXPANSION! WHY ARE YOU BUILDING A BIGGER STADIUM WHEN YOU CAN’T FUCKING AFFORD TO KEEP ME HEALTHY, YOU SADISTIC FASCISTS ON THE RU GOVERNORS BOARD? ALL OF YOU SHOULD DIE! To my girlfriend’s roommate: Thank you for being out of the room for once so we could fuck in her bed instead of mine. It was a nice change of pace. Thank you :-) To the emo kid I saw at RU Computing Services orientation: you’re an emo fag. I just thought you should know that, in case you were confused or something. (Confused emo-fag is redundant. Maybe he works for the Review...)
SELF PORTRAIT OF ME
Liquor store looking for employee who won’t drink all of our products. Really, it’s kinda fucking annoying when you drink all of our shit. It’s like going to someone’s house and drinking all their beer without asking. Not cool, yo. Located right off of Centennial Ave. Shut face,
your Uncle
fucking Fucker!
Is it bad that I had to actually think about either having sex or playing World of Warcraft? (Yes, you should have instantly starting playing WoW.)
OK, I LIED. IT’S SIMILAR STUFF How much would you pay me if I sent 2girls1cup. com to my grandmoter? (Nothing,
asshole.)
Dude, it was totally a trip down memory lane. While I was at work I was listening to Steal This Album By System of a Down. It brought me back to my old memories of riding the bus at 7 in the fucking morning. Damn it, now I’m pissed off. Dammit Mom, why’d you make me ride the bus so goddamn early.
HOUSING AVAILABLE Space available in Castle in Transylvania. Seeking clean, living roommate with a nice neck. Call Count Dracula, 666-666-DEAD Strange, creepy person who isn’t totally sane looking for roommate for Fall ‘08. Must be ok with hearing morbid screams late at night and stence of rotting dead bodies coming from basement. Willing to negotiate rent/ utilities. Call J. Dalhmer Ok, I’m really getting sick of all these god damn fucking hippys who make us liberals look shitty. Stop bitching and moaning about everything and try actually VOTING you stupid fuckwads. Didn’t you learn anything from Vietnam? Protesting really DOESN’T WORK! Maybe you you weren’t such degenerate whiny bitches like you were raised to be you’d actually make a god damn difference in society.
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They should make a pizza with a really huge crust that you can use to wipe your face with when you’re done. Note to self: never tell a girl on the first date that you have to go “pee pee” or “potty”. I just realized how awesome the rapture is going to be when it finally comes. All these god damn annoying Christians will get the fuck off of this planet and leave the rest of us in peace. (Yeah, but it is amusing to be reminded that you’re going to hell on Thursday nights when you’re shitfaced at the Grease Trucks at 1 in the morning. Those nutjobs crack me the fuck up every time.) Generic popped-collarwearing guy who was cool in high school but is now considered a huge fucking tool in the real world looking for fraternity to join. I can fit 13 cucumbers up my ass and am willing to drink myself retarded every night and participate in extremely homo-erotic hazing practices that would get the fraternity banned if anyone knew about them. BROZ 4 LYFE! I’m going to pretend to be a hipster for a second: OMG is that music not from Brooklyn? Sorry, that is so NOT cool anymore. Did you hear about that generic shitty band that played at that generic, shitty bar the other night? Yeah, no one really appreciates their genius, you know, banging on shit and not making any kind of coherent sound. Let’s go to Starbucks and pretend that we have our own identities and not ones that are just marketed to us. Oh and don’t forget your copy of the Rutgers Review! (Man, sters
I
hate so
hipmuch.)
COME TO OUR FUCKING MEETINGS! The Medium gathers at a regular time every week for scones, tea, and sex with goats and sheep. This time is 9:15 PM and the location is at the Livingston Student Center Room 113. No seriously, come to a meeting and hang out with us. We’re really average people just like you! Plus, you’ve probably got some ideas kicking around in your head that you would just LOVE to see printed in a future issue! Bring your ideas and your ripe asshole to the LSC tonight!
SPORTS
THE DAILY MEDIUM
LAID: For the love of God, have sex with me continued from back get laid all the time! My extensive knowledge plus the fact that I’m only 14 credits away from a degree in Sports Journalism qualifies me as a total babe magnet right? Apparently not. Easton Ave. was full of fly honeys last weekend and I couldn’t bag a single one! It went like this: I put a full court press on this really fine babe who made the obvious rookie move of playing a 3-2 box pattern offense like the Atlanta Hawks do. Anyway, I make a move intercepting her pass to her friends who were leaving the party and trapping her in the process. I asked her if she knew who I was and also how good her ball dribbling skills were (if you know what I mean). I obviously caught her off guard and I told her about my column. She just ran. Whatever. I know this column will totally pay off someday...Maybe when the Portland Seadogs beat the Lehigh Valley Ironpigs in Division AAA Eastern Regional play! HA HAAAA... sigh... Ryan Short is a Junior Majoring in Sports Journalism and welcomes any female companionship whatsoever.
TEEL: Still goes to Rutgers
continued from back tinued to practice. Every throw thereafter was off. Some throws went towards spectators, and the helpless onlookers were impaled with fatal footballs. Injuries occurred as far away as the Werblin Bus Stop. More disaster occurred later in the day at the weekly meeting of The RU Gun Nuts, a sport shooting club which has been in existence since the start of this article, and of which Teel is a founding member. As soon as Teel got his hands on his gun, his injured thumb touched the trigger, instantly releasing a torrent of bullets and mowing down everything in its path.
APRIL 16, 2008
15
Ray Rice’s Mom Given a Car Dealership and a Super Model Girlfriend BY REILLY O’BABA GRAND IMPERIAL SPORT GUY
Ray Rice, affectionately known as “Ray-Ray” was extremely ecstatic today when Rutgers handed over the keys to a brand new UsedCar Dealership and Supermodel Girlfriend as a showing of gratitude for all Rice has done for the school. According to NCAA rules, no student athlete can be given money or gifts as “payment” for playing on a school team. But, there is no rule against giving family members the gift that may or may not be intended for the student athlete as was the case when Rutgers University gifted a brand new SUV to Ray’s Mother. “This is an amazing thing,” said Rice, who will be off to the NFL Draft this year instead of finishing his career at Rutgers. “[Rutgers] has provided for my...I mean, my mom’s future career after
I retire 3 years from now.” According to a recent multi-million dollar study, the average time a running back spends in the NFL is about 3 years with the average salary being about $1 million. While normal NFL players, such as Brian Leonard have to work their way up through the League, sometimes grinding it out for 10+ years in order to retire into a automobile-selling, model-fucking second career. Luckily for Rice, he will already have that option open to him. At the award ceremony, Rutgers President Richard L. McCormick awarded Rice with an honorary doctorate and has declared that the Old Queens building will be named Ray Rice Hall and be converted into an exclusive Gymnasium for the
Altogether 20 students were killed, with an additional 18 injured. Three others were also injured. Immediately, fans and boosters were calling for the removal of Teel from the starting position. “Ok, it was one thing to blow that game winning drive against Cincy,” wrote RutgersRules.com forum user JesusLeonard23, “but this act of involuntary manslaughter is the final straw. START LOVELACE!!” Boosters of the football team and the athletic department were also angered by his tragicomic ineptitude. One booster whispered in this reporter’s ear that if Teel is still allowed to play, he would commit major violations and then report himself to the NCAA. The tragedy has not only angered diehard football fans. Almost immediately after the incidents, the Rutgers 1000 announced a change of goals, renaming their organization to the Not Mike Teel 1000, and demanding that no money
be spent on Teel. Students created the Facebook group “Fire Mike Teel from a Cannon into the Sun,” which had 43,000 members the day after the tragedy took place, compared to the initial 11,523 users in the Facebook group mourning the victims. Despite the recent tragedy and the forthcoming class-action lawsuit, Head Coach Greg Schiano remained upbeat about the signal-caller and said the depth chart for Quarterback would not change. “I am not going to let the recent setbacks defer our goals. He will be the starter for the next game come September, and we will make our next decision after that game. I am staying the course with this football team.” He then added, “I am saying these things because I truly believe in him, and not because he has a picture of me with the McGreeveys at T.G.I. Friday’s, and is blackmailing me with it.”
Old Man Smithers surveys the damage that was caused by the rogue baseball hitting the window
BALLS: Those
Damn kids did it again continued from back hiskey and playing bridge with my bloodhound Bessie. We was waiting for that pie to cool, an old family recipe that is, made with the secret ingredient. You know the one, anyways Bessie was winning and I was done tempted to give her some drink to slow her down when I hear a crack and next thing I know there’s glass in my apple pie and a baseball smacking the back of my head. Damned thing done nearly concussed me.” Coach Fred Hill was unavailable for questioning, but one player who asked
not to be named out of fear of an additional week being tacked on to his punishment stated, “It’s so stupid, everyone knows Mr. Smithers is a mean old man who smells funny. I’m secretly glad I – I mean we broke his window... accidentally. It’s not like it happened on purpose.” Mr. Smithers has demanded that the whole team pitch in to pay for a new window and has maintained that if it happens again, next Halloween he will give out apples with razor blades in them.
T H E DA I LY M E D I U M
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APRIL 16, 2008
Rutgers Hammered in Loss to Self
Makes critical error in 10th Overtime Period resulting in a Rutgers goal BY JOHN BENDER
Sports Shorts
SPORTING WRITER
PISCATAWAY, NJ- The lacrosse field was on fire last Friday as the Rutgers Lacrosse team tried their hardest to beat the Scarlet Knights of Rutgers but to no avail. Despite coming into the match as the favored team, Rutgers just could not hold a flame to the more disciplined Knights. “Frankly [the Rutgers team] made fewer mistakes than we did and that?s what put them ahead,” said Rutgers Coach Jim Stagnitta. “The real winners of this game were the defense on both sides of the field.” Both team’s defenses were very productive as the game was forced to go into decatuple overtime, or 10 overtime rounds for those without a third-grade knowledge of numerical prefixes. Each side’s defense had caused an inordinate amount of turnovers with Rutgers and Rutgers being responsible for 7,000 turnovers apiece. “Its almost as if they knew where each and every single play that we had and vice-
RYAN SHORT
Rutgers Defenseman Roger Morris is beaten down by three Syracuse players in a game played earlier in the season. versa,” said Junior Right Wing John Anderson. “But I guess that they practiced just as hard as we did and that’s what really pays off in the game.” Because of the high numbers of turnovers on both teams, the game remained scoreless up until the closing minute of the 10th overtime which showed how much the conditioning each team did in it’s practices had paid off. Rutgers went on the offensive against Rutgers and marched up the field with
precision passes but the ball was stolen away again as Rutgers Defenseman Jared Blake made a diving snag, his 400th on the night. This turnover proved costly as Rutgers captilized on Rutgers mistake Rutgers’ mistake and squeaked the ball past Goaltender Jimmy Walker resulting in the one and only goal scored on the night. “Honestly, I was so fucking tired that I just wanted to go home,” explained an exasperated Walker. “We had been playing for five and a
Rutgers Baseball Team Grounded, Will Miss Playoffs CONTRIBUTING WRITER
The Rutgers baseball team was grounded for a week yesterday by Athletic Director Robert Mulcahy after a fly ball went through old Mr. Smithers’s kitchen window, shattering the glass and ruining his fresh apple pie which had been cooling on the window sill. As a result of the grounding, the Scarlet Knights will miss the upcoming playoffs. According to Mr. Smithers, “I was sipping some old Tennessee whiskey
BALLS ON PAGE 15
half hours, I had a cramp in my legs and was ready to shove my stick down my throat.” The Scarlet Knights will have some time to think about how they can improve their performance as their next game will take place next Saturday when they travel to Flint, Michigan to take on the Level Seventeen Dungeon Masters of Joseph Kowalski’s Parent’s Basement College.
Pitcher Brandon Mitchell is grounded for an extra week for back sassing his mom.
As yet another week goes by where I have consistently have not had my junk serviced at all, I ask myself what does it take to get laid these days? Seriously, I’ve been writing this sports analysis column for two years now and I have yet still to score a babe just by mentioning I write it. I mean, does anyone respect how much time and effort goes into a column that is published once a week? It takes at least 30 minutes to research my topic and 30 minutes to write the article with another 10 minutes taken by my editor to edit it. Thats like 70 fuckin’ minutes that I devote to my loving and adoring student reader population. I have so much sports knowledge that I impress all of my friends when we talk about sport trivia, but they SEE
LAID ON PAGE 15
Mike Teel Reinjures Thumb, Kills 20 students BY JERRY SIZZLER
FAMOUS SPORTS WRITER
BY SHER NOBLE
SEE
I’m still trying to get laid using this Column
Tragedy struck the University today when 20 students were killed after getting in the middle of the crossfire of Mike Teel with his recently re-injured thumb that had previously hampered him throughout the last football season. The tragedy started to unfold during a scrimmage during the football team’s spring practice. At first, the senior QB was at the top of his game. But then, sophomore Defensive
Tackle Justin Francis decided to have a little fun and on the next play, he jumped through the offensive line, and pointed a fake gun at Teel. The sudden commotion panicked him so much, that he threw he hands up so quickly, that one of them banged hard against his helmet, causing pain and bruising to a digit he previously hurt in a game against Norfolk State last September. Despite the pain, he decided to stay and conSEE
TEEL ON PAGE 15