THE
The Entertainment Weekly of the Vatican City Offices of “Boys’ Life”
MEDIUM www.themedium.net
Wednesday, April 24 , 2002
Volume XXXIII, Number 21
“Holy See, Batman!”
in this issue....
PRIEST PORN!!!
this, f o k n i you th o d t a Wh Law? l a n i d Car
Awwwwww, yeah!!!
And the LORD spaketh, saying, “On page 2 there shall be Editorials and Opinions, on page 3 there shall be News, on page 4 there shall be Features, on page 5 there shall be an ad for the most bitchin’ LCGA, on page 6 there shall be Arts, on page 7 shall be Personals, which I shall know as My Favorite of all sections, and on page 8 shall be the most excellent What’s Shakin’. And you will know these sections to be good, for I am the LORD and this is not The Review.”
EDITORIALS
“You put the Lime in the Coconut, you’re such a stupid Bitch” Wednesday, April 24, 2002 Medium’s “upcoming events page” (now known as “What’s Happy Birthday, Rutgers Review! Shakin’”) used to be called “Happenings” back in the late 20 years of being The Medium’s BITCH 70s. Some of you may note that The Review uses that name for their back page of events. I also noted that The Medium has been making fun of The Review since the midIn case you haven’t been reading the Rutgers Review 80s, no doubt with good cause. But I’m not trying to rail against our fellow lately, this semester they’re celebrating their 20th student publication. There are many good things about The birthday. I’d like to take this column to wish them a Review, such as the high quality of their covers and Happy Birthday and to help them in their project of layout, which make the numerous stacks of reminiscing about their fine paper. The Review unread Reviews all over the 5 campuses What could I have to say about all that more attractive. I’m also told the history of The Review? Well, I know that it loosens the bowels of the most a few things that might add a little constipated birds. And whenever I’m something to the story of their past. feeling pretentious, I know I can grab a Also, I’ve got an outsider’s perspective Review and feel a whole lot better. Oh, on their project and I see a common theme The but they admit being pretentious, so they running through their history. You see, Me dium can’t be that pretentious! Um, no. in nearly every one of the articles by Of course, people, whether they former Review Editors, they mention how are Medium or Review staffers or much funnier they were (and are) than The Presidents of the university, are Medium. It happens so often one can’t entitled to their own opinions about help but see the raging insecurity that’s which paper is funnier. While I may not present here. This insecurity is quite understandable, given that agree that 2 years ago The Review was “almost as good as The Onion” (as one of their former eds claimed), I know The Review is junior to The Medium (The Medium began back that humor can be very subjective so I can’t argue with in 1970 while The Review didn’t appear until the 80s). Additionally, The Medium has been doing humor since before that opinion. But the fact that former Review staff can’t reminisce about their paper without taking a swipe at The the 80s, while The Review started out doing just news(as Medium shows they’re still looking up to us. But they did The Medium, to be fair). So one could say that The don’t seem to mind it or they’d work on improving their Review is the “slow” (As in retarded? - Ops Ed.) younger paper a little. So, Review staff, keep on reading The sister to The Medium, always following safely along the Medium, learning from us, and dammit, bark like a dog when trail that The Medium has blazed. we say so! (That was actually fairly nice to them. I There is no mere hyperbole, but it’s easily would have been meaner, but I’m a bitter, hate-filled man. supported by evidence. In a recent trip to The Medium Archives, I learned some interesting things. Such as The - Ops Ed.) by Troy Crowder
Who wants pie? Come to a Medium meeting LSC 133, at 9, and have Caelian-cooked pie.
HETEROFRENZY@YAHOO.COM
Open Letter to Harlan Cohen Dear Harlan, Fuck you. Fuck you for so easily dispatching people’s deepest traumas and troubles with the most inane and generic of Hallmark card sympathy. Fuck you for never having empathy. Fuck you for telling people how to cope with drugs even though they are to naughty and dirty for you. Fuck you for calling anything that isn’t a politically correct monogamous relationship wrong, hurtful and insincere. Fuck you if everything in this world isn’t snuggly packaged into Harlan sized biscuits for us to eat and feel better. Fuck you for giving advice with no frame of reference. Fuck you for being so goddamn perfect! Fuck your perfect hair. Fuck your rippling biceps. Fuck your washboard abs! Fuck your toned and tanned thighs, the delicate crop of your closely groomed pubis, the elongated curve of your phallus, and the sweet tangy musk of your perineum! Fuck every inch of your godlike body! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you Harlan! Fuck you Adonis! Why won’t you take me! Take me like that sweaty, forceful meeting in the Clothier elevator, our passions rising with the rickety elevator car the concealed and concentrated our lust! Fuck me Harlan! Fuck me without a condom! Let’s do lines of amazing pink Peruvian of each other’s hipbones! Make me your smack slave! Let’s partner swap! Let’s date people who are older and way, way, way too young! Let’s ruin our lives! Let’s fuck our roommates! Let’s get high and have sex for no reason and skip class and live! Come on you motherfucker! Sincerely, “Fuck ‘Em If They Can’t Take a Joke” Mini Hetero Qorner: Guys, the letter I wrote to the Caelian Manic in Mettler By John Minus was all an elaborate attempt to get them to sleep with me. Honest. That Charlotte chick’s got a real nice ass.
I suppose around now you would be looking for a point to all this; this history of editorials that is. Well, I guess the point is I just like to say whatever comes into my head. I spent all year writing about what I cared about and some of you have read it. I’m grateful…but right now I have no opinion about anything. Well, I want the Nets to win the NBA championships, but other than that, not much. I met a lot of really great people this year…I would have liked to have had sex with more of them, but, so it goes. I really have gotten a lot off of my chest this year…I feel a lot better. I still hate the myopic idiots who are trying to erase the Medium though. It is really hard to impress upon people the importance and significance of the Medium if said audience does not possess a sense of humor. And most of these idiots in the religious organizations at school most assuredly do not. At the so-called “Free Speech Conference” they talked about how you too can limit free speech. Fucking hypocritical bastards. I have been thinking about the people at Hillel, CCC, and all of the other groups who seem to think we are barbaric human beings. I have been thinking about what they must have been like as kids. These were the whiny bitches all of the rest of us hated. These were the kids who were always the first ones to tell on other kids, whether it affected them or not. These teachers’ pets where universally despised by everyone in the room accept for the teacher. These were the kids who you could make cry simply by staring at them. They were, to put it bluntly, the wussies. These thin-skinned wussies could not take a joke back then, and they can’t take a joke now. Whiny bitches like this are offended and afraid whenever someone says something bad about them, which is unfortunate since bad things
ONTRIBUTORS:
Troy Crowder, John Minus, Ryan Beckman, George Baxter, Brian Benson, Alexander da Poet, Martin Babitz, Benjamin Schachtmann, and all those wacky Personals contributors. and from the wacky world of AIM, we have: fuckyouyoucocksuckingjudoshitfuckasscuntfuckingshitfacedassnosejackasscarrotttop fuckfaceanuslickingcumlickingwreslmaniahulkamaniaeatmyanusandmakemescreamyournam efecesfuckingsmegmaeatingpussyfuckmaggotdicksuckingassholenodicknodicknodickshit forbrainsjackoffthirtywattlightbulbshitdonkeyfuckinguptheassholeanusleakageidiot
don’t forget: contact MediumEiC on AIM on Monday nite! Cover by: Frank Maxwell
THE
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are said about them at a remarkably constant rate. These people cannot deal with the fact that there are people in the world who do not like them and are not afraid to tell them so. To avoid those people the wussies try and block them out as best they can. The trouble comes because when the people who call them wussies, me for example, get hold of some form of media, the message cannot be ignored. There will always be people who will call you an asshole if you are being an asshole. You may call it anti-Semitic or sacrilegious or racist or whatever you want, but you can’t stop people from having a negative opinion of you if you are a wussie. Basically if you do not want people to call you an asshole, STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE! If you feel threatened every time someone says something bad about you or your group, I feel sorry for you. Obviously you are too neurotic to deal with real life, or at least life in New Jersey, and should move to Wyoming, where the sheep and cattle are generally Semite-friendly. People are allowed to have negative feelings about you and your people, especially if your people are whiny jerks. Expect it and accept it. Despite what y’all seem to believe, some chick in Jersey who criticizes Israel is no going to cause another Holocaust, so just calm the fuck down about that. No one feels sorry for you; Jews have it 14,000x better in this country than oh, say, blacks. You know how proud I would be if someone said Blacks control the media? I may control the Medium, but that doesn’t count. So I say to all of you who can’t stand the Medium, get a fucking sense of humor. Learn to laugh it off or ignore it, but don’t ruin our fucking fun cause you’re a big-ass sissy. Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
Michael Wyzard Mike Ryan Jessica Chandra John Minus Ryan Beckman Martin Babitz Amy Groark Jeff Buechner
Personals Editors
Carol Hu Ritch “Curly” Boblenz What’s Shakin’ Editor Aija McKenzie Online Editor Ian DeLorey Advertising Manager Jessica Chandra Staff Artist Oleg Zeylikovich Staff Photographer Elizabeth Finelli Senior Editor John Q. Minus
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903 or emailed to desarnoc@eden.rutgers.edu. Our phone number used to be (732) 373-7085.
Wednesday, April 24th, 2002
“No anal... please.”
Come to the Medium meeting this week and you could see some tits... it’s true this time too.... By Ryan Beckman Last week Rutgers was overwhelmed the hundreds of boobs that were just with heat… heat and DDWs (dirty dirty shaking all over. I couldn’t even walk whores). There seems to have been a to the chalk board to write because of large infestation of these DDWs that my huge erection… so I had to dismiss class early, but none of had been hibernating males could leave bethroughout the winter, cause their dinky wangs masked behind lengthy were hard too… god it clothing and padded was shameful,” said one bras. However, the heat math Professor. let the decent garments roll off of these sluts like “Us DDWs don’t carry dis- Last night president sweat off a fat kid in gym eases… not since they Fran Lawrence said, class. Dirty dirty whores started calling herpes and “We here at Rutgers walked to class in Bikini AIDS infections.” - Slut don’t like to solve probtops and ass shorts lems, so we won’t but it seems that the (those would be Daisy Dukes for the less modern among you) forcing all the cold weather we’ve had this week has single boys to miss class so they could forced the dirty dirty whores into hiding again… well into my bed too but….” jerk off. The president then stopped talking and Professors all over said that the infes- began to hump the podium to pretend tation severely harmed the structure of he was having sex with the girls only classes. “Only half a dozen males ac- stopping when a thick white goo seeped tually made it to class, and when they through his pants. got there all they could do was stare at
The Livingston Student Center room 113 this Wednesday (tonight) at 9:00... show up and bring a friend.
Third Option offered to get “Bleeding Heart Liberals”to “shut the fuck up”
by George Baxter Washington DC- Beginning next week Judges who are sentencing convicted murderers will have three options, the traditional life in prison or death, as well as a new “physical challenge”. The third option was actually developed by our nation’s leader… President Bush. “I was watching an old episode of Family Double Dare, I have them all on tape, when I realized… hey this could work in our legal system somehow.” The physical challenge is more challenging than what Mark Summers would offer to spunky families who didn’t know when to take a dare though…. “Next week a convicted murderer has to drink a glass of water and bathe in lemon juice while his genitals get hooked up to 4 car batteries. This is still capital punishment… it’s just crueler,” said one of the “Bleeding heart liberals” whose protests about the death penalty actually brought this option about.
An Exclusive Report from a Fucking Moron After his performance at Livingston Fest, outspoken Wu Tang Clan Alumni Ghostface Killuh had nothing but disparaging remarks for Livingston College and Rutgers University in general. His dissatisfaction was immediately apparent when he arrived an hour late to perform, a dilemma he accredited to being surrounded by obnoxious, lily white students yelling "there's my nigga!!" while trying to drive up Metlars Lane. When asked about the drug scene at Rutgers and how it compared (What a man... even after being hit to other colleges he had played at, he by “some crazy asian bitch... no was even more critical. - "What's up fucking wonder why she be up my with this shit yo? its muthafuckin' 4/20 ass with her ride... yo” Ghostface, and all i got offered was some fucking or Nicky as he’s known to his dro' up in this crib. These friends, can still kill whitey.) muthafucka's are corny!" But Ghostface's most ardent criticism was about the quality of women at Rutgers, especially its famed STD ridden sorositutes. "Damn man i hate fucking liars!", he raged. "I came here hearing all this shit about da Jeep Liberty just to find out it was a bunch of typical no ass havin' typical white girls who don't even suck a good dick!" He then added "Ive seen better ho's at muthafuckin' nursing homes!" When asked if he would consider a return visit to Rutgers, Ghostface promptly punched Medium correspondent Brian Williams in his face, instantly knocking him out. He still has yet to fully recover mentally and physically, so please visit his bed at Livingston, Quad III and show your support by offering cash and/ or sexual favors.
“Whiney bitches,” said Bush in response, “that’s all those assholes are… if I had things my way I’d tie them all to the rear bumper of my pickup and drag them all over the country to show all the red blooded Americans what happens when you turn pussy.”
Send News Articles to CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com Bitch Hits Hand With Her Face A A Pictoral Pictoral News News Article Article by Kleeto Stevens
POLICE BLOTTER • At 4:20 AM on April 20th thousands of Rutgers students including the entire Livingston campus smoked up. There were minimal arrests due to the fact that any police attempting to do so got hot boxed and went to D & D.
• 3 First year Cook students were taken into custody after pushing over the cow with a glass stomach. The trio said “We didn’t know that the cow’s stomach would shatter , we thought it would just break its neck.”
• 10,000 Rutgers girls were taken into custody last week for walking around naked. “We didn’t mind seeing their tits” said one officer, “but keep those dirty cooches out of my sight.” -Ryan Beckman (The above info was provided by “blue”)
“Gerald Bad=Heterosexual Aquaphile? Find out in the next Medium!”
Yessiree, the days of “Hey mom, can we stop for ice cream,” or “Why are you and mommy getting a divorce” are long gone in the new millennium! And you can feel like a good father again by taking all of your kids to Disneyland this year, regardless of the carry-on luggage KinderPress works restrictions. Most compressed children pass through with 93.7% of all airport detectors with no problems, and are virtually children! pennies to feed! So this year, think KinderPress and kiss your child-storage problems goodbye in a fast, easy, and worry-free format! *Proposed KinderPress UnCompress/Extraction Technology expected to be available for Christmas 2013.
Time To Castrate These Pedophile Priests! By Brian Benson, staff writer Imagine this horrible scenario, you are an eight year old boy, and you go to see your “trusted” family priest about a problem, “Gee Father O’Connel,” you say, “I already ate the body and blood of Christ, whats this stuff?” The sick priest laughs a deviant predator’s cackle and answers, “This is Jesus’ special banana pudding!” as he violates the child’s pie hole over and over again!!! Don’t think this can happen? Well guess what its been happening in Churches across America. Small, innocent kids who can’t sit down because their priest is a sick weirdo! Many people have speculated about how to remedy this horrible problem. Is it counseling, letting the priests get married, or giving them hardcore DVD porn? I say nun of those choices will be enough, to me there is only one answer to these priestly prick pederasts…. CASTRATION! Yes that right, I said it.. We must cut off the balls of all Catholic priests who show any signs of possibly touching kids. That means if they hang out by the playground with a bag of candy.. SNIP! If they subscribe to the Kids R Us catalog…SNIP! They watch old Full House episodes with the volume off and a tub of Crisco by the bed….SNIP!!! Let that be a lesson to all these Priest sex fiends, the church is not going to become a NAMBLA convention! We will take your ball sac if you mess with the kids! It’s time America does something to better protect the little Timmys and Bobbys and Sallys from having to ride the holy Catholic hot dog after Sunday school gets out. I want a world where children’s bodily orifices are Priest genital free and they can be happy kids again! So please, I beg you, write to your local parish and say, “I want my priests nuts cut off as soon as possible” When those sick bastards are too busy knitting and watching Lifetime to mouth rape the altar boys, you can thank Brian Benson. Please, think about the children of this nation, make the move to Priest Castration!
I am a really great guy. I mean really fucking awesome. I am better than most people by virtue of the fact that I am me. Seriously, you could look long and hard and never find a guy quite as clever, witty, or just all-around good as me. I do not know how I got to be so damn cool, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I get to look at myself in the mirror every morning, every day. Getting out of bed in the morning is sometimes difficult, until I remember that If I don’t make an appearance to the world, the sun just may not rise in the sky, because as we all know, the sun and moon rise only that they can bask in my brilliance. I know why people get depressed. Everyone has a moment in their lives when they realize that they are not I, and that shakes them up a little. Hey, I wish I could say I know what they are feeling, but I AM ME. But I have a cure for this depression; people should be happy that a guy like me exists in the world, and use that profound sense of joy to see them through the world. Every woman in the world should want to be with me. If a girl does not she is obviously delusional, sick, and miserable. Who can be happy without John in their lives? I say to thee, no one. You may think that I am delusional, and you may be right, but I know that I am a great man, and that everyone should recognize this fact. I’m kind to children and gdogs love me. Any girl who does not throw herself at me is missing out on the chance of a lifetime. Minus is like opportunity; when I knock, you better answer, or I’ll be gone. Minus is fickle. Sentient beings recognize me as the source from which all greatness flows; in enlightened civilizations I am taught as a field unto myself. There is a John Minus Dept. at Florida U. I’m so hip I can’t see my feet. I always know where my towel is. In conclusion, if you see me, give me a hug.
Minus, Minus by Pederast
mastadon: Ode to the 2002 NBA Playoffs: mastadon: by Richard Ann Dolenz mastadon: Iverson, Duncan, Miller, Kidd. I appreciate the the work they did. Stackhouse, Walker, Malone, Pierce. They're entertaining cuz they're so fierce. Webber, McGrady, Jermaine O'Neal. Their solid play has such appeal. Garnett, Payton, Kobe, Shaq. But I hate them all cuz they're all black.
Minus, Minus always strong, Minus, Minus all day long, Minus, Minus sweet as pie Minus: gem in femynyst eye. mastadon: actually, don't put my name on that. Minus, Minus shining star, Minus, Minus are you far? Minus, Minus always drunk, Minus, Minus fuckin’ punk Minus, Minus egotist, Minus Minus, fan of tits, Minus, Minus loved by us, Minus, Minus perpetual plus.
My Sisters Bra By Melissa O’Hare
mastadon: Just put, by Ahmad Rashad Prometus: ok, sounds good "Fuck That Dell Dude" 04/10/02 by Alexander The Poet There he is on TV again That damn Dell computer guy I am gonna go so insane If I see him one more time You girls seem to think he is cute And I find that to be weird I can sell you computers too But you'll just think I am queer
And most girls hate computers My singing womb So why they love that Dell freak? sisterhood of torrent a Carries Across the fruited plains They're afraid of monitors, We hold hands And they're afraid to right click! And sing the slimfast electric As we lose those stubborn 15 pounds It must be his cock you want? That cling to our thighs You want some of that, Dell dick? With a rush of blood But from "poet dick", you run We orgasm life upon It's so sad and so tragic! The barren wasteland cycle. the renewing fruition Our wopmyness in full THE END Single, double, triple homer. You Cannot restrain the bonds of matriarchal might Ovum crashing upon the waves The bird of righteous indignation alights on our breast As we walk the red carpet of power And empowerment Long have we suffered and long will they suffer For a good pair of sheap shoes is hard to come by And when we have those shoes, we will still not be happy Because there will be no dress that matches them This is the evil of men.
Want to come to a Medium Meeting? Well if you’ve been putting it off all semester, too fucking bad. This week is elections, which means that you aren’t invited. You can come, but you’ll be hit with things. I promise.
mbabitz@eden.rutgers.edu
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By John Minus
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Do you ever find that children, whether fat or skinny, short or tall, black, white, Asian or what have you, are nearly impossible to transport? You have to deal with bathroom breaks, whining, fighting, spilled juice or human waste, bleeping gadgets or outright inconvenience. Just try getting them in any sort of by Jim Conroy container! They almost never fit, and however you try to fold or pack them, there’s always an arm or leg flailing out. That’s why I’m glad that I invested in the new KinderPress Child Compression Technology!
John Minus: One Great Fucking Guy
Well, even though you can’t come to the meeting, you can still submit to the last issue of the semester (with it, god willing, not under Caellian control).
Why I Use New KinderPress Technology for My Child Storage Needs
Wednesday, Wednesday,April April24th, 24th,2002 2002
Mediyum Poitry Cornur
GMG/Features
What is the LCGA?
The Livingston College Governing Association The Livingston College Governing Association is the voice of Livingston students. Our main objective is to represent the views and concerns of Livingston College students. In fact, one LCGA member is voted into office on a yearly basis to represent one hundred Livingston College students
Elections Continue April 22-26 Vote online http://www.eden.rutgers.edu/~lcga/
Livingston College Governing Association – Livingston College – Livingston Student Center Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey Room 107A – Piscataway, New Jersey 08854-8045 lcga@eden.rutgers.edu - www.eden.rutgers.edu/~lcga (732) 445-3176
Arts
“Everybody wants prosthetic foreheads on their real heads.”
Wednesday, April 24th, 2002
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“A Virgin! Where the hell me gonna find a virgin at Rutgers?” Being a witch is sometimes difficult, as Midnight knew very well. She was a Voodoun, one of the more powerful witches to ever come out of Haiti. She practiced a form of sex magick that was very strong in the women in her family. Sexuality and Magick were both inextricably tied into who she was, and both were about to become a major pain in the ass. She was trying to pull off a spell that hadn’t been done since her great grandmother pulled it off. It was one sixth of a really complicated spell for eternal youth. The first part she had to do now while she was 20. And part of the ritual needed the semen of a virgin. “Everybody in this school is such a slut,” she thought, “where’m I gon’ find a virgin.” Midnight searched through all the clubs and organizations on the Rutgers website, looking for some hope. “Well, here’s something… RU Gamers. D&D, Vampire…Gamers. Of course, that’ll be chock full of virgins. And they’re meeting tonight too. Lucky me.” Midnight decided to go goth tonight…not that she ever wore anything other than black anyway, but she pulled out her Morticia Addams dress anyway. It was really tight, and hugged her big, round butt perfectly. It was a little small up top, and her 46 EE breasts would threaten to make an appearance all night, but with any luck she would not be in her dress very long anyway. Mistress Midnight would just scare the poor boys, but Midnight, Queen of the Night would do just fine. Later that night Midnight found herself in the midst of the geekiest, palest, group of social retards she had ever encountered. She scanned their minds…definitely a room full of virgins. They argued over gaming rules and discussed power-up and magickal items. The sound of rolling d-10’s was deafening. “Ok, time to get a guy and get out of here quick.” She looked for someone would be slightly good in bed so as to make sure the experience would not be too uncomfortable for her.. She saw a tall chunky white guy who looked like he might have been packing. “Hey big boy,” she purred at him. She could feel his body temp rise when she touched him, and he began to sweat. He was obviously unused to female contact. She read his mind to see how big he was…she caught a memory of him jerking off 5 minutes ago in the bathroom. “Eww,” she thought, but at least he’s got more than 6 inches. “Can you take me to your room and explain the spheres to me? They are soo complicated.” He stammered and swallowed hard. “Umm, I don’t know much about Mage, but I could try. I mostly play Brujah.” She dragged him up to his room, knowing he wouldn’t question how she knew where he lived. As soon as she got him to his room, she slammed him against the wall and got on her knees. Fortunately for her he showered today. She pulled out her tits and enveloped his dick in them. “You ever been with a real witch boy? Not one of your friends pretending to be a girl?” The gamer stammered, “my friend played a Verbena once... ahhh!” He couldn’t even begin to form thoughts. The sexy black girl was sucking his dick better than he had ever seen in the anime porn he watches. She wrapped her big lips around his head and jerked him off firmly and fast. She knew he would cum fast, this was his first time. Sure enough after two minutes of tit-fucking and cocksucking, his knees weakened and he started to moan very loudly. “Come on baby, cum in me mouth, give it to me!” she said while jerking him off. Her dirty talk pushed him over the edge. A torrent of semen flooded her mouth, more than she needed. He fell to his knees in exhaustion from his first female-powered orgasm. She magically put him to sleep and dragged him to his bed. She spit his seed into the Tupperware she put in her purse and was about to leave when she looked back at him. He was asleep but had the biggest smile in the world on his face. She gently squeezed the last few drops from his rapidly shrinking cock and gave him a smile. When he awoke he would think it was just another wet dream. “Thanks for the contribution darling,” she thought. One step closer to immortality. pornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornporn
Only one more issue! Send submissions to tequilaxmockingbird@yahoo.com
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by Johnny Taurus
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Virgin Territory
It’s your American right to vote. And since everyone is acting more American anyway... Come to Medium Elections!
Tonight at 9, LSC 113 If you’ve made one or more submissions, you can vote! If you’ve sent three or more, you can run for a staff position!
Music Review Pepper – Kona Town by Ben Schachtman There was an important lesson to be learned from the heroin overdose of Bradley Nowell – sometimes you get the bear, and sometimes the bear sticks you in the arm with two grams of uncut that leaves you choking on your own bile and kicking like a fish on dry land. Sublime was a mixed bag. Sometimes they hit on that blend of elements that superceded the industrydriven need to put bands in a genre. Sometimes it all came together and the sound made you happy to be alive. Sometimes, when there was too much smack, or not enough, it sounded terrible. The moral is, you win some and you lose some. Bradley Nowell took chances. Not including the one that left him dead, many paid off, and there are legions of skate-rats who remember him as the Jesus Christ of the counter-counter-culture in the Sponge-Bob Bukkake that was the early 90s. Pepper is not prepared to take that risk. None of their songs, to borrow from today’s youthful paralance, are guilty of having the “suck” factor that sinks the unworthy. If anything, Kona Town has the polished gleam that screams of a burning desire to stand next to Carson in the TRL studio. However, the studio tricks belie the truth. Apparently the dead body of Sublime needed some cosmetic improvements. Pepper’s arrogance shines through when they claim they will deal responsibly with the fame their shiny polish and industry certified genre-blended style should be earning them any minute now. “We won’t shave our heads when we get there or be ‘fags’ like Creed,” chants singer Kaleo Wassman on “B.O.O.T.” Now we all know that no one, but no one, believes fame hasn’t gone to the heads of Scott Stapp and his Creed-mates, but isn’t the “fag” put down a little passé? For some one with all the clever rap-rock-ska-punkdancehall-reggea sensibility, I’d except a more entertaining diss. I guess I asked too much. And that, really, is the crux of the matter. Someone once told me if you are going to rip off Led Zeppelin, you better do a really good job, or people will beat the shit out of you. No one wants to hear a crappy cover of “Stairway to Heaven.” It’s debatable, but most would put Sublime up in the musical pantheon with the Led Zep. So when you hear what sounds like a pathetic coffin-robbing attempt by Long Beach losers LBA, one is forced to compare it to Sublime. When it falls short, there is no one to blame but Pepper. They even include the acoustic solo piece towards the end of the album. But instead of homage to rap titan KRS-1, we get a little ditty that sounds like someone trying to score on Douglass by playing acoustic guitar. Never mind their homophobia, their misogyny, and their lack of originality because they are sensitive! No one is likely to fall for it that isn’t already hardwired to MTV. For the sake of equity, this must be put in context. In the mainstream music market, nothing much new is coming this way. Having said that, and to be fair, this album wasn’t half bad. It’s a cheap and overproduced Sublime rip-off. If you had any class at all, you’d be listening to Blue Trane. But you don’t, and frankly, sometimes it’s just too taxing to be sensitive and sophisticated all the time. For example, if it is April 20th in the late afternoon, and you’re stoned out of your gourd, sipping on a bottle of Jose Cuervo in the afterglow of drunken sex…it might as well be your soundtrack. Beats a bad trip and Björk though…
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 24, 2002 To my green eyed coworker...I noticed how you stare at the hot guys... If you like dick you can have mine. Make sure they dont have any cans or glasses.
To the really hot first string bench warmer on the basketball team, you are disgustingly hot. Sometimes when you walk by, I just want to suck on your nipple through your oftensleeveless shirt. I saw you giving that old lady a hair trimming in the targum the other day. I took like seven issues of that targum so i could masturbate all over a fresh one each day, til i next see you in the paper for most valuable bench warmer. I wanna fuck your asshole with my tongue each time i see you at brower comto those sluts who wear the mons eating. You will be mine skimpiest clothing to frat par- soon. Start spreading your ties in the 30 degrees weather: fuckin beautiful cheeks right aren’t you happy that it has now and bend over, mitch. become warmer so you can mitch, trim my pubes next. dress even sluttier?
To the girls in my intro to philosophy class, why the hell do you wear such weird clothes? I just don’t understand. You either dress like a slut or wear the strangest most abnormal clothes you could ever find. (are the hot guys asians who why don’t you try to find drive bmw’s? because I hear someone to dress you because the asians have tight you look completely ridiculous. assholes. ) TO RYAN B- I hear you like (damn those girls that dress it anal. why don’t you come weird. I wish they’d just to my bedroom after the meet- wear shorter skirts and tighter tops. Hey that’s all ing and I’ll show you what a I’m asking for.) tight asshole feels like. (if it’s real tight, can I shove my fist up your ass too??) ATTENTION RUTGERS THE RESIDENT BROTHER OF SIGMA PHI DELTA STEVE WAS SEEN EATING CRUST FROM HIS CROTCH CRACK WHILE WATCHING MOVIES IN THE LIVING ROOM. HE THINKS NOBODY K N O W S . HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE WAY TO GO ENGINEERS!
PERSONALS
“UTZ Cheeseballs attract ants...”
everything is retro HULKAMANIA ISN’T JUST A WAY OF LIFE Tang boy... I’ve seen your ad BROTHER IT’S A STATE and im very curious to see OF MIND!!!! you too I’m on hamilton too. Show more your orange so i 2 lesbians looking for a 3rd can notice you. Hehe lesbian to share house in New Brunswick vicinity. Please SPRING IS HERE, OR email name and phone number IS IT? LAST WEEK IT to: Lokie242@yahoo.com
To my CS205 professor: Stop pronouncing 13 as thirty and 18 as eighty. And to that fat ass motherfucker in a wheelchair who doesnt know how to speak either, stop causing an earthquake everytime you come in class. You fuck! I fucking hate you.... You are so fucking pathetic that everything you answer is wrong. What a dumbass! To that fat blond motherfucker, you are just a blob of fat, shut the fuck up in class and stop interrupting with your loser comments. God, I hate fat people (now , now... fat people have rights too. you can’t just keep going off on them just because they have a little more insolation than some of us, but we all can’t be perfect like me.)
to the girl who lives in new gibbons who wears black all the time and often a trenchcoat: you are beautiful. you’re not a clone like all the stupid people here. i can’t get up the nerve to talk to you but maybe you’ll read this and reply via the medium. hope i’m not freaking you out since i’m female. stay you and don’t change. from the bi chick who lives behind you :) (bi chick? everyone’s bi nowadays. It’s seems like you’re trying to be trendy by claiming to be “bi”, but everyone is experimental, so chances are if you want this girl, she’s probably already been masturbating to a mental image of you, so why don’t you knock on her door and show her how flexible and long your tongue is.)
send personals to To my hair: you are dead to me unibutt@mad.scientist.com cuz I shaved you off. yr dead.
WAS SUMMER AND THE SLUTTY CLOTHES REVEALED TITS T H AT WERE HIDDEN ALL WINTER.
THIS
WEEK
IT FEELS LIKE AUTUMN AGAIN
AND
THE
SHIRTS WILL HIDE THE
RUTGERS SLUT
BREASTS YET AGAIN .
E VEN
THOUGH THE
BOOBIES ARE BACK IN HIDING, THE TULIPS ARE STILL BLOSSOM-
To PattyCake from the SAC i am the black guy that smokes weed, i want you to know that i really dig you and i think you are the sexiest, and i would give anything just to spend one night with you . . . . (It fucking sucks that we only have one page of personals this week. It sucks for all parties involved. Sucks.) Hello John Paul, I have been fantasizing about your big muscles during the whole entire semester. Come over and I will suck your cock all night and let you blow your hot load in my throat. I will swallow everything. You know where to find me. You like that dont you? Stud
Hot RedHead Boy in my CS211 class: Why are you so hot? Why did you stop wearing your white rusty hat? I wanna see you wear your hat, and nothing else. You are so fuckin beautiful. You are smart too. Can i eat your ass out while i jerk you off, when you are studying computer science? Can i secretly jerk off your holy staff while you give the professor all the right answers? Can we 69 while you talk on your motorola twoway pager? Do you go two ways too? You’re my never-waking wet dream. Keep on being so hot. l d [ y o u r _ c o c k ] , %r[my_mouth].cum
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To my stud neighbor who flashed his muscular toned hot butt on the middle of the street. Why don’t you do this here in my room that way i can shove (I like it when girls my tongue inside your hole. swallow everything. Razor Then i’ll let your load of cum blades, for starters.) explode on my chest while i lick your balls. www.themedium.net www.themedium.net
ING AND IF YOU’RE LUCKY, THE DAISY DUKES WILL STILL BE WORN.
A STEP BY STEP GUIDE OF A COLLEGE P ARTY: BEING A GOOD HOST OR HOSTESS 9:37 P.M. FIRST GUESTS ENTER TIMIDLY. Offer a beer. It looks innocent at first, but after a few bottles the “fun” really kicks in.
10:50 P.M. B UZZ KICKS IN. Strangers find the confidence to ask each other boring questions: “So... how do you know [your name here]?” Maintain alcohol flow, but push chips and cookies down throats to offset effects.
1:30 A.M. B.U.S.T.E.D. Your RA or the cops bust you for an unregistered party or noise complaints. In any case you’re either screwed with underage partiers or someone might come to the rescue. My savior is John Q. Minus. Pray that everything goes alright.
11:15 P.M. THE “SMOKERS” GATHER IN ROOM These are the fun loving, free spirited kids that just want to have fun and chances are most kids at rutgers tend to light up a bowl at least once or twice a week.
11:43 P.M.
LUST KICKS IN.
Introduce any propective matches while gathering others together to analyze the effects of intoxication and getting stoned.
12:12 A.M. PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION KICK IN,
EXCEPT B ETWEEN ONE FEUDING COUPLE.
2:40 A.M. PUKING GUEST HOGS B ATHROOM, B OOZE RUNS OUT . Hand the hurler a garbage can and wait for everyone to sober up before they can drive home and arrange rides, find out bus schedules for those who are completely wasted, or let them crash on your couch or floor if they prefer. People who have realized the keg’s tapped out have left, now you just have to turn off the lights and pass out in bed and dread the clean up.
Boy meets girl. Boy meets boy. Girl meets girl. The alcohol has slowly simmered into their brains and forms attractions between people -- this is where the “random hook-up” takes place. Leave the gropers alone; herd the hostile couple into bedroom.
What’s Shakin’
“Why the HELL am I in Rhode Island?...”
Miercoles, el 24 de Abril 2002
Somethin’ funky goin on Downtown...aka NYC Shit Wed 4/24 The Church Bowery Ballroom Wed 4/24 VooDoo Blue Club 101 Wed 4/24 Garbage Roseland Thu 4/25 Evil Jake Elbow Room Thu 4/25 Ahmad Jamal Iridium Jazz Club Thu 4/25 GrooveLily The Cutting Room Fri 4/26 Andrew “Dice” Clay Beacon Theatre Fri 4/26 Paul McCartney Madison Square Garden Fri 4/26 Freeloader Mercury Lounge Sat 4/27 Michael J. Sheehy Knitting Factory Sat 4/27 Paul McCartney Madison Square Garden Sat 4/27 Soledad Brothers Mercury Lounge Sun 4/28 GWAR The World Sun 4/28 From Safety To Where C.B.G.B. Sun 4/28 Tiara C.B.G.B. Mon 4/29 Spin Doctors Irving Plaza Mon 4/29 Soulfarm Makor Mon 4/29 Damsel Meow Mix Tue 4/30 “The High Times Tour” S.O.B.’S Tue 4/30 Rubyhorse Bowery Ballroom Tue 4/30 Waltham Brownies
PARTY When: Tonight, 4/24 Where: Club Abyss The Hook-Up: bring a flyer, RU ID, or the ad from the Targum classifieds and get the discounted admission Courtesy of: Douglass Class of 2003 (Hell yeah, DC represent)
Check Check...NEW JERSEY... Wed 4/24 Dropscience Maxwell’s Hoboken Thu 4/25 Engelbert Humperdinck State Theatre New Brunswick Fri 4/26 Prong Birch Hill Nite Club Old Bridge Fri 4/26 Coalesce Krome South Amboy Sat 4/27 Jersey Beat Allstars Court Tavern New Brunswick Sat 4/27 Sux Court Tavern New Brunswick Sun 4/28 Total Chaos Krome South Amboy
submit your events to xenawrrprncs@hotmail.com. And o yeah, come to a Medium Meeting, tonight LSC 9pm
Rutgers Rugby had quite a weekend in Rhode Island. Naked Bob from Vermont Rugby strolls into my hotel room dead drunk...you can guess what happened next (no, you can’t see the pictures. yes, there are pictures.) Lerch ANNIHILATES the goal post in the mens game against BU. Rita has a lump on her head the size of an egg - instead of helping her, the medics call their friends to “check this out, man...” Kevin’s mom’s van was hotboxed about 8 times during the trip. Heckling on the field becomes just about the funnest thing EVER - “You’re a TOOL! TOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!”
Rutgers Rugby is no longer welcome at the Motel 6 in Newport, Rhode Island, thanks to the help of booze, games like “punch-for-punch,” and “hallway rugby,” and the Rhode Island police.
“Ambiguous Squiggadick.”