04/25/01

volume thirty-two, issue twenty-three

april twenty-fifth, two-thousand one

a yearbook

the entertainment weekly of graduating seniors

www.themedium.net

“god gave rock-and-roll to you” - jc

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4/24/01, 3:54 AM

Stranger than fiction ... And it's the way it will always be.

Wednesday, April 25th, 2001 EDITORIALS Masturbate Me, Sanchez!

Stupid Monkey

by Dong "Cock ‘N Balls" Johnson Or

Do you find yourself feeling lonely much of the time? Do you consider yourself socially inept? Unattractive? Shy around girls (as a direct result of being hideously ugly)?

If so, I have your answer. First off, let me begin by saying that you're an ugly sucka so'm bitch, and if you feel depressed, its because you deserve it, you up-chuck inspiring ape. Feel

By Christopher Taylor better? I do.

But for you to feel happier, you should listen to my suggestions. Let me again remind you Often when retiring editors reach their last issue, they that you are an upchuck inspiringly ugly bastard. If you ever feel like drinking battery acid, I inundate readers with reminiscings that cause reactions say go for it-- its for the good of humanity. You're insignificant to all women and men all want ranging from mild disgust to murderous rage. Fortunately you dead. The higher the male-to-female ratio, the better chance of guys getting laid. So for you, my good friends Mary Jane and Jack Daniels took instead of bitching, why don't you just help us trim the sweaty disgusting useless flab and jump. it upon themselves to dissolve any memories I may have But if you don't want to bitch, I know how you can shed the isolation blues. Volunteer at had of my days at The Medium. underprivileged persons' shelter, for example, a retirement home. There are many senior homes in the area with patrons who also feel lonely. Their children no longer love them and many of Fortunately for you, I have an affinity for games of their close friends have died. They want to make the best of their few days left. Males chance. generally have a shorter life expectancy than females. Out of the living senior males, many have prostate cancer, colon cancer, or some other form of anusitis.

I especially enjoy a game called “Russian Roulette,” wherein the participant places a partially loaded firearm in Few senior males are still able/ have desire to perform such actheir oral cavity, spins the cylinder, and pulls the trigger.

The more chambers containing explosive powder and tivities as sports and sex. Medium Elections: TODAY, WED. 9:30PM, metal, the higher the risk. Being a pansy, I usually stick These few males are your op- LIV STU CNTR with the single bullet version of the game. Tonight I shall position. Don't let great-uncle RM. 113 start with three.

Harold steal your 'tang with his strap-on. That shit is yours for <CLICK> the taking. There is a 2:3 maleto-female ratio after 65. Those “After braving a fifty-fifty chance, Christopher Taylor grandmas will do anything for comes out ahead.” I wish Howard Cosell were here to attention. Anything. And don't moderate the proceedings. And Adam S. Maskevich, my think you're too good to get hero, mentor and former flatmate. He was a filthy some 80-year-old Estelle Getty motherfucker, but so was I. Balance is necessary. I wish Tony Randall was here. I wish I would suddenly and ass. In case you've forgotten, abruptly wake up in bed beside Tony Randall. I wish you're a fugly vomit-inducing Arthur the Moth was here. And my mother. She died pug and should take whatever eleven years ago. I don’t really remember her very well. I you can get. do remember…

This works for a number of different types of shelters: <CLICK> homeless, orphanages, and (my favorite) homes for the severely …that I cried. I suppose that you are supposed to cry on retarded. Retards are the easioccasions of that sort. And laugh when you beat chance est, and most fun, to take adagain. Laugh when the odds tell you that death is immivantage of. They will randomly nent. Laugh when a thousand monkeys hand you a script to Hamlet where Ophelia has been renamed Lord Ass Fag. clench their anus without even Laugh when the cheese has gone moldy but your flatmate the use of a donkey punch. And unwittingly partook of its fungusy flavour. Laugh when… they scream a lot. Everything you ever wanted in a woman. <CLICK> Whatever the shelter you volunteer at is, make sure you …you find out that you have looked down the barrel of a are very nice to the women and/ gun only to find that nothing emerged. Nothing but a whiff or cute boys. Just remember this of sulfur and Winnie-the-Pooh. I am so very tired. I rule: If they're underprivileged, fnord haven’t slept a good sleep since…well, I really cannot they're gullible. Good Luck, remember. You know how Edward Norton describes -- desarnoc insomnia in Fight Club. Welcome to my life. Welcome to pug.

It Was The Best Of Times; It Was The Blurst Of Times

my world. Perhaps I’ll have another drink…

It s been fun being The Medium s Opinions editor for the past year. So long and thanks for all the fish ... -- desarnoc, Ops. Ed.

Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7

cheese skirts gayboy snowpenis trebeck pumpkins

Page 8 Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12

Cover by: Christopher Taylor

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radiohead lawrence toilet gossip What’s Shakin’

THE

MEDIUM

Ingredients

fnord

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor

Christopher Taylor Jay Postelnik Jessica Chandra Chris DeSarno Martin Babitz Mike Ryan Amanda Hoffman

Personals Editors What’s Shakin’ Editor Online Editor Advertising Manager Senior Editor Faculty Advisor

Rachel Beckman Ryan Beckman Michelle Salvaggio Mike Molino Amy Groark Amanda Hoffman Jeff Buechner

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903 or emailed to naziphallus@hotmail.com. Our phone number is (732) 373-7085. opinion=fuck you.

4/24/01, 2:54 AM

Wednesday, April 25th, 2001

“Have you heard about the infant born with a handgun?”

Med Decriminalize ium s

OPINIONS

Pot!

by Coolest Edge

For all those dudes who want to see pot decriminalized, is there a damn choice in this election? McGreevey and DiFrancescothe two career politicians have nothing else better to do with their time, than to think of new ways to throw pot smokers to jail.

I am sick and tired of this. I would much rather have them make love to themselves or their partners, instead of waging the longest fucking war in our god damn history on those who have hurt nobody. It’s my body, damn it! It doesn't belong to the government! These politicians have probably smoked pot, themselves. What hypocrites! Yeah, they say they care about the children. They have so much compassion... McGreevey and DiFrancesco care so much about the children and are so compassionate, that they would rather have people with AIDS and cancer die, rather than allow them to medicate themselves with pot to prolong their lives. Boy, they sure do have a lot of compassion...

We should totally vote for These two career politicians do support throwing away pot smokers to prison. So, now thanks to this policy, we get that guy who thinks stuff ... overcrowded prisons, with real criminals like murderers rapists getting out on early release and parole. When politicians like legalize it, man!! .. and legislate morality, real people suffer. If you are a pot smoker, try getting a job when you get out of prison. Try getting financial ...oh, shit. I just spilled the aid, if you get caught with pot. Politicians are sending dudes of my age to rot away in prisons, while they make sure that their bong. What was I saying again?

Oh yeah. Anyone wanna play sons and daughters once caught, would walk away scott free. It certainly helps to be such an offspring, but since I do fear that hacky sack? such behavior is contagious, I would highly recommend them to use condoms more often. Last year, more people were arrested for pot possession, than rape, burglary, murder, and aggravated assault combined. Yes,that's when we had a Democratic President, who didn't inhale.

No matter if DiFrancesco or McGreevey get elected this year, pot smokers would still get screwed.

So what is my damn solution? Two words-Mark Edgerton. This dude is not a lawyer. He is not a politician. He's a realtor from the Libertarian Party, also known as the Party of sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. I say that's one phatt party. He wants to decriminalize marijuana and have it available for medicinal use. Hey, that sound's cool to me. He raised decent amount of money and ran ads on UPN-9. Can he win? I tell you what. If a wrestler can get elected governor of Minnesota than a realtor can get elected governor of New Jersey. Expect this dude to wipe the floor with the two "compassionate"-screw the pot smoker" career politicians who judging by their relentless pursuit of pot smokers, seem to have a lot of free time on their hands. If you want to see pot decriminalized, then you can help this dude win. Go to http://www.markedgerton.com, and help spread the word around. If you help Edgerton win, you will get decriminalized weed.

Freshman Year at Douglass or I Hate This School

by Aija McKenzie Thank the gods this is almost over. This year has been ridiculous, especially because it was at Douglass, quite possibly the most shit-upon college in Rutgers University, maybe coming second only to Rutgers Camden. Living here, you have to learn some tips to survive, and here are few helpful hints my friends and I learned along the way.

1. Neilson Dining Hall It’s gross. You won’t be able to eat your $10 worth of dinner, so some people (names have been omitted) decide to take things of more value, such as Tabasco sauce, whole Meringue pies, condiments, trays, flatware, and cutlery. It’s all about getting back at the system, here.

2. Decorating your Dorm Room “That EE sign on my wall is NOT MINE, officer, I SWEAR! Um, I just got the GG...and maybe the G....”

3. Attending Class Don’t.

4. Defecating in the Communal Bathroom Big dilemma here. More often than not, people get a little poop-shy, and are unsure of when to “Drop the kids off at the pool.” ( thanks, Stubby) The proper lady waits until she is sure no one is there, preferably at very late hours of the night. Your bona fide DC womyn will take a shit whenever she wants to. If you want to be especially hardcore, do it when everyone’s brushing their teeth. Take a dump every day.

5. Lack of Cable TV (or reception, for that matter) You’re just gonna have to watch lesbian porn on your computer, then (That‘s what me and my friends do). Why not have a porn party? Just remember to keep the volume up as high as possible.

6. People That Tell You to the Keep the Noise Down Pour rotten milk outside of their door. Put your subwoofer against their wall. Erase their marker boards. Steal the marker. Kill them. They deserve it, the stupid bitches (“Stupid Mulatto” - Danese J).

So that’s about it for now. You’re on your own for everything else. Follow these tips or don’t, just don’t come crying back to me. I’ll be concentrating on living off campus.

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Vote NO on the TARGUM REFERENDUM And encourage others to as well

by Chris DeSarno The fair and democratic Targum referendum (which consists of influencing voters at both the voting stations and in the paper with threats of “You could lose your paper AS YOU KNOW IT!!”) just serves as a testement to how afraid the Targum is over the possibility of losing their EXTREMELY bloated budgets. And now the referendum has been mysteriously extended an extra week … which is an act that can only serve to help the Targum’s cause (remember, if you don’t vote, you’re effectively voting No. Obviously not enough people voted ... or too many effectively voted “No.” Hence a week longer to vote.) Since the voice of opposition has been small (who can compete with all the propaganda that the Targum manufactures in the course of a day?) I figured I would print some facts that might influence you as a voter to VOTE NO. After all, you deserve to be making a somewhat informed decision. · The Targum refuses to disclose its total revenue. Thus students cannot know the amount of the Targum’s annual surplus and therefore cannot cast a fully informed vote. · The Targum spends over $1.3 million dollars a year!! … It’s expenses include printing, employee salaries, airfare, hotel fees, and dining costs for writers and photographers, and full page advertisements for running its own referendum! · If the $8.25 fee was cut from term bills The Targum will not cease to publish as you’re being lead to believe. Instead they might have to STOP PRINTING IN COLOR. Color printing for papers is expensive and pretty worthless. The Targum was black and white until 1997. And an incredible number of Targums are THROWN AWAY at the end of a day from the student centers and dining halls. They might be forced to curb the amount of paper waste they produce.

The bulk of the Targum consists of AP stories … stories which you can find for free at: http://www.ap.org (without going through another level of editorial bias). The truth is if the student fee was taken off your term bill you’d see an increase in local/community news and the overall quality of The Targum. Vote No.

4/24/01, 2:58 AM

NEWS

Ow! Don t put your floppy disk there either, dickhead.

Scrawny White Boys Replace Blacks As Nation’s Most Feared Group

Wednesday, April 25th, 2001

He Still Bears the Burden of his Father’s Drinking Father’s Alcohol Abuse Leads to Ailment of Newborn.

By Jessica Chandra, Staff Writer

by John Minus, Staff Writer FAYETTEVILLE, TX— Yesterday at County Hospital a baby was delivered with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome as a result of the father’s semen alcohol content.

WASHINGTON,DC—The Census Bureau announced today that Scrawny White Guys have moved into first place on the list of Most Dangerous Groups in America this year. For the past 250 years, African Americans have held the number 1 spot on this list, but recent shootings in High Schools across America have changed this. From May on, the government will officially support measures on how to protect yourself from Scrawny White Guys.

When Hernando Melon was born, the delivery room smelled like a brewery.

Recalls Dr. Gregory Bunstein, who was the doctor on call that fateful night: “And out came this alcoholic baby with classic, what we refer to as, “FAS”. He is growth deficient, this little wizened thing, flat mid-face, tiny chin, and also lacking a dimple above his lip.”

1.) Cross to the opposite side of the street when you see scrawny white guys coming.

2.) Never get yourself into a situation where you are alone in an elevator with a scrawny white guy.

3.) Never let your daughters date scrawny white guys if you can help it.

4.) If scrawny white guys attempt to move into your neighborhood, either petition your local real estate dealers to not move those kind of people into your neighborhood, or move.

5.) If you are a cab driver, never take fares going to predominantly white guy neighborhoods.

Do you know these men?Yes? Then suicide is the only answer. The only one for you, my friend.

Hernando’s mother, Carmen, underwent comprehensive prenatal care since the beginning of the nine months, and had taken excellent care throughout its duration. Carmen stated: “Yo no comprendo, I di’everything. I drank the O.J., I exerciso con Ja’Fonda, I eve’took the Folic Acide.”

Since doctors had been monitoring Carmen’s pregnancy since the beginning, they were determined to find out the root of Hernando’s FAS. “This was a highly unusual case,” states Dr. Bunstein, “but we felt compelled to explore every avenue, you would never find mothers who drink in Fayetteville, never.”

African Americans reported being incredibly relieved. “This is the best shit that could happen”, said African-American Lewis Washington, “this means I can get a job now!” Even though they have only been moved down to number 2, this ruling could have huge ramifications for the African American community.

Among the changes expected are:

Doctors decided to have the father, Eric Melon, express a specimen to test.

“What we found was astonishing,” adds Dr. Bunstein, “His semen even smelled like a cocktail. And after examining the specimen under a microscope, you could see that the sperm itself was actually disoriented, completely unable to swim in a forward direction.”

· Black people will be able to drive late at night without being pulled over by the police for no good reason. · Black people will have a much easier time getting jobs. · Far more lenient sentences from the judicial system. · The ability to get taxi cabs wherever in New York City they want to. · The social acceptance of interracial couples.

It’s unlikely that the change will effect everything in a positive way for African Americans. Sociologist Judy Zellwigger said “It is unlikely that African Americans will be able to date Asians just yet. The Asian people are still afraid of the African American’s powerful sexuality and intellect rivaling their own. I don’t think that you’ll see Chinese girls with black men outside of the Vietnam War. Maybe when black people get down to about 3 or 4 on the list, things will change. After all, Asians are second to last on the list of Most Dangerous groups, right before Indians.”

Remember, avoid Scrawny White Guys at all cost. You never know when their Scrawny White Rage will explode, taking out whoever they feel necessary.

Bush Accuses English of Beef Tampering “Bovine Warfare” Issue Could Lead to Conflict

by Martin, Director of Produce Marketing WASHINGTON---In a statement that shocked the world, President Bush came out in a rare public accusation against the United Kingdom Thursday, accusing the English government of “shifty beef related tactics” in the wake of the hoof-and-mouth scare. Bush, speaking through interpreters, explained to the American people that their government was not merely going to stand by and wait while an old enemy of ours destroyed our national food.

“Beef is a defining food for America, and the shifty tactics of the English, are a direct attempt to undermine our Americanness,” said the President. “You see, removing beef from the diets of our people negates their very existence. A diet low in red meat will in fact render the average American, as a real person, unreal. This is primarily because beef, you see, is real food… for real people.”

He then let out a hearty “Yee-hah!”

When Bush advisor Walter Reed was asked about the implications of such statements, he replied “What? He said what? Oh for god’s sake, I can’t believe that jackass is in charge of this whole mess sometimes.”

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Doctors firmly believe that they have found the root of Hernando’s affliction, and urge fathers everywhere not to consume alcohol while conceiving.

Hernando continues to develop, slowly.

(FAS is a problem that effects us all If you’d like to learn more about FAS, or Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, please consult either your local library or Rachel Beckman for further information. --Ed.)

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Students Love That Referendum

by Troy Crowder, Medium staff

Buoyed on by reports of joy over the advertisements for voting “yes” on the referendum, the Targum referendum vote has been extended another week and maybe more. Students are reportedly gleeful over this development.

“Oh my God, this is so cool!” said nobody you know. “I love these ads, as well as the people handing out flyers and all the ads posted at bus stops. The best thing about it is that it makes the paper extra thick, so it has more impact when I beat my dog with it!”

Targum Business Manager reports Tork Moonshine reports that this was purely a business decision.

“Well, while these ads haven’t increased ad revenue, they do make a good deal of sense,” Mr. Moonshine reported in a phone interview from Cancun. If we don’t win this referendum, we don’t get as much money and that would create problems. So, we’ll keep this going until we win.”

Preliminary reports shed light on some of the Targum’s recent budget difficulties (due in no small part to the cost advertising for the stupid referendum-- Ed.) that required the raise in the standard fee on term bills. While the Targum airfleet remains strong at 3 Harrier-style jets and 14 Apache Helicopters, they did have to sell their hovercraft after an eel-infestation made it inoperable.

4/24/01, 4:03 AM

Wednesday, April 25th, 2001

Wiggity Wiggity Wiggity Wack!

“MP3” Hits Streets RIAA Declares War on Drugs, Richard Greico Ignored

Ten University students arriving back at Rutgers after spring break found themselves stricken with a fungal disorder that is affecting students all across the country who spent their spring breaks in Acapulco, Mexico. This national epidemic will serve as the topic of the upcoming movie “Fungus Gone Wild on Spring Break.”

By Chris DeSarno, Staff Infection Use of so-called ‘designer drugs’ has exploded in clubs, bars, and underground raves. Until now authorities have been primarily concerned with curbing the almost epidemic numbers involved in the abuse of ecstacy, ketamine, and amphetamines. Now it seems there’s a new recreational drug that’s turning up on the street and in the clubs, a drug known as MP3, named after the popular computer music format.

** Well, another semester over, and I just want to thank everyone, particularly the recently deceased for all their help. They can rest in peace knowing that I will attend their graves regularly, and celebrate their lives through short dances, and urinating on their graves.

“I felt an electric current through the spine and up in my brain after taking MP3 where it felt so good that I only can describe it as a ‘brain-orgasm’. Then I heard what sounded like Metallica’s (or ACILLATEM’s for Napsterites) Enter Sandman.” Said Tito Sanchez, a former MP3 abuser. “It was a great experience.”

The drug’s effects include a euphoric feeling followed by distinct audio hallucinations that strangely resemble copyrighted music. “Apparently, it stimulates the part of your brain which causes you to get songs stuck in your head ... and stimulates the part which remembers copyrighted material ... and also the part that allows you to feel pleasure.” said Frank Taxwell, DEA scientician. What makes this drug different from others like it, he says, is that MP3 is so easy and cheap to make it is given away for free instead of sold.

With the appearance of this drug, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) announced its plans yesterday to enter the drug war. “MP3 takes money out of the pockets of hard working artists who want to make you pay $20 for a CD that costs less that $1 to manufacture.” Said RIAA spokesperson, Cindy Tablesonstien.

“The RIAA will fight that as well as any other threat to musical intellectual property.” When told that there was no copyright violation involved with “remembering copyrighted material in your head,” Tablesonstein rolled into the fetal position and started crying while mumbling, “So...very...confused” Lars Ulrich, celebrity idiot, could not be reached for comment.

Prometus@hotmail.com

New Jersey Approves Bad Parent Exam NJ Announces Goal of “No More Moron Parents!”

The Office of Rutgers College Programs presented a play on the effects of bias on society last Monday entitled “One Race, One People, One Peace.” One scene dealth with the murder of Matthew Shepherd, who was targeted and killed because he was gay. The makers of the play said afterward that special effects helped them a lot, as for the first time they were able to perform the scene without actually killing a gay guy.

By Brian Benson, Staff Writer TRENTON- In the wake of a multitude of school shootings, coupled with state test scores dipping to record lows, New Jersey law makers have a new solution. The State Legislature announced this week that New Jersey would soon be the first state in America to enact a pass/fail competency exam for pregnant women. This 136 question multiple choice test was written

by Dr. Thomas Weinberger, the same man who wrote the DMV’s moped license exam.

The great state of New Jersey hopes to soon become known as the, “State with the least dangerous, moronic parents per capita”, as stated in the new “parent test” motto and seal.

1.

2. (The Catharsis)

1

Rutgers College sophomore Mike Oliver, the namesake of the ubiquitous “Do You Agree with Mike” posters, spoke on Holy Thursday April 12 as part of Jesus Awareness Week. Following his speech, he gave attendees the opportunity to say whether they agreed or disagreed with Mike.

Unfortunately, most of the audience devoted the time to asking Oliver if he was the same Mike Oliver from the Problem Child movies.

Campus Crusade for Christ Regional Director Rick James also spoke, and detailed for the crowd what he feels are the basic messages of the Gospel. James commented, “[Jesus] is a very kinky Savior - the kind you won’t bring home to mother.” The CCC staff member was heard to mention that their organization is the biggest evangelical Christian organization in the world, and that “We’re in more countries than Coca-Cola.” But why would an evangelical Christian group want to compare themselves to an entity known for brainwashing uneducated people in attempts to take their money and gain their unquestioned obedience?

The Science Coalition’s Champion of Science awards were presented to two congressmen last Monday in recognition of their support for public funding of scientific research.

The award displays a chip that can be implanted into patients’ bodies to distribute medication at regular intervals by applying voltage to the chip’s membrane. The chip was designed at MIT with assistance from the Rutgers University Department of Scary Science Fiction Storylines.

All women residing in New Jersey between 12 and 45 years-ofage will have to report to a local “programming center” by January 10th 2003 to be equipped with a futuristic micro chip designed by heartless computer giant IBM. The chip will interact with special monitoring agents in Trenton who will instantly know when a woman becomes pregnant. The woman will then be assigned a special number and have 30 business days to report to take the exam. If she fails to report, or takes the exam and fails, the chip then “liquidates” the fetus causing it, as IBM spokesman Chris Marrozzi stated to, “Melt like a Gummy Bear in the microwave, HAHA!!” Some critics of the new “Bad Parent Exam” claim the measures violate a woman’s personal freedom and seems to be straight out of the nightmarish science fiction novel “1984”. To these naysayers NJ legislature Sean Devlin, who cast the winning vote, answers, “Fuck those hippies! I wanna take them all to my workshop and draft them into my elite Aryan robot army......... I mean.... NO COMMENT!!!! Sample exam questions for to-be mothers will try to pinpoint such judgment flaws as, baby boiling and eating, as well as the sale of babies for serious narcotics, sexual appliances, or animal porn.

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NEWS

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by Mark Ryan 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123

4/24/01, 4:04 AM

The Off-Campus Students Association met last Wednesday night with the Director of Rutgers College Student Centers to discuss the possibility of obtaining a fixed meeting place for commuting students. The meeting was cut short, unfortunately, since most of the members had to get home for their 9:00 curfews.

Two hundred people from the University and the local community came together in front of Brower Commons on Thursday night to commemorate the Holocaust, and pledge that they would never forget. However, as it was Thursday night, many students woke up the next morning hungover, and onewas heard to remark, “Man, I can’t remember ANYTHING that happened in Europe between 1933 and 1945.”

University President Francis Lawrence spoke to the crowd - that’s not a typo, he seriously did - and commented, “We face a challenge to put this knowledge into good use.”

Lawrence added, “Because I don’t know how it’s going to help us win football games.”

“Eye on Rutgers” can be heard on WRSU 88.7 FM’s “NonProductive”, 7-8 PM Tuesday nights.

...Amanda, Christopher, Michael, Michelle, Rachel...

These are the names of great patriots.

They died so the rest of us could live freely. Five... cut down in the prime of their lives, so that you could worship your God, and eat your mom. Word.

GMG

Best beer pong game EVER.

An Interview With Stuart Jubrawlski

Wednesday, April 25, 2001

I’m Really Tired of Student-Run Publications

by Troy Crowder, Medium shtaff

Stuart Jubrawlski has shaped the culture of Rutgers perhaps moreso than any individual. Recently, The Medium caught up with Mr. Jubrawlski and asked him to share his thoughts on life, college, and the direction the culture of Rutgers is taking today.

It seems that we’ve got another student-run publication on our hands, as the first issue of “The Journey” came out this week. As if we didn’t have enough irregularlypublished, poorly written student publications that don’t look like they’ve been prooffred, “The Journey” is hope to take a “sophisticated and scholarly approach” to parts of our culture. They obviously know what this campus has been missing, as we don’t have anything like that (>cough< Salad Bowl) already. But let’s be patient and take a look inside.

The Medium: Mr. Jubrawlski, tell us a little about yourself and your claim to fame.

Stuart Jubrawlski: I was the one who started the joke that all the girls on Douglass are lesbians.

TM: Extraordinary. What can you say about your inspiration for the joke?

SJ: Well, it’s kind of based on a true story. I come from a little town down in the First article we meet is a look at how college students use Instant Messenger. This is a pine barrens that has an all girls school in it, and all the girls that go to the school topic that could use some intelligent analysis but we aren’t burdened with anything are gay. I thought it would be funny to make up a joke based on that school, which, like that here. The conclusion of the article is that IM use should be moderated in many ways, is similar to Douglass. For example, everyone who goes there winds because it can get out of control. Hot damn, I’m glad I had this magazine to tell me up going to Douglass after they graduate, and there’s never been a student at that. I figured it was like eating, where I could just shovel stuff into my mouth and not Douglass who didn’t graduate from that high school. I experimented with a joke turn into a fat-ass. Pass the lard, ma. about the fact that everyone on Douglass has the last name “Henry,” but a lot of people already know that so it’s not really as funny. Sometimes the less obvious joke Moving on, there’s an article on the “code of love.” It’s basically a reprint of all the is the one to make. articles that have shown up in major newspapers over the past 20 years, putting forth TM: Local humor critics really panned some of your later work. Do you have the idea that principles of human attraction are genetically based: men want fertile anything you’d like to say in response to them? women to pass on their genes, women want rich men to help raise their young.

SJ: When I started joking that everyone who lives in Demarest is homosexual, There’s something I never noticed before, I thought people just paid for sex and love. people said it was very derivative of my earlier work. I don’t really see it that way.

Or maybe that’s just my family.

There are a lot of homosexuals who live in Demarest, but the homosexual high schools they went to are different from the one the people on Douglass went to.

Facing that article is another on something called filtered media (“Hey, I came up with TM: I know for awhile, you were very close to Bruce Henry. What do you have to a cool way to say censorship!”). This baby includes some very obviously phony say about your relationship with her? blacked-out sections (“Look, we’re gonna show you what filtering media is really SJ: Bruce was one of the few girls on Douglass I really got along with. I liked her like!”) and makes the totally unqualified claim that “American media is more apt to sense of humor. A few years ago, the two of us decided to collaborate on a project [influence viewers perceptions of reality] than any other country.” Nothing, nothing at and came up with a few jokes about the poor quality of the food at Brower and some all to back up that claim. While I’m far from in love with American censorship by of the other dining halls. I think the two of us had really good chemistry in those corporate media, even I wouldn’t try and make that dog hunt. sessions, and if you listen to those jokes, you can really feel it.

TM: Do you have any plans for the future?

After these three masterpieces, I admit I didn’t bother reading the rest as carefully.

SJ: I recently got in touch with my old roommate [Jake Thompson]. I’d like to get There is a good article on an experience in Africa (not with Mandingo, I’m sorry to together with him and work on this one idea I had about people on Cook having report) and a center-spread advertisement for the Anthropology department. But after sexual relations farm animals. looking through this I came up with an idea for their next issue: what is it that makes TM: I’d love to hear how that turns out. college students want to form and publish redundant and unwanted magazines? What 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 makes them think that anyone wants to read them parrot the latest “study” or their bad 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 literary attempts (>cough< Spia >cough< The Podium)? And what the fuck makes 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 them think they’re funny when they blast away at each other in a magazine that has no 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 to indifference 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 standards at all?

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 by lesbian pete

The Medium Poetry Corner

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young man. if you feel to give up, take a shower. nobody will know you cry. not even you.

A Cartoon by Oleg!

indisinguishable, warm tears from warm water run down your face and drain, mix to indifference.

Fuck You

by Anonymous

Love is anxious, love is cruel, it is very jealous.

Love presses a blade to your neck and slices you slowly.

It is rabid like a dog, it turns you into what you hate, it fucks you on a dirty floor.

It is glad to take from you the things you hold most dear and rejoices in your misery.

It denies all things, distorts all things, disfigures all things, destroys all things.

And when it reveals these truths to you, you will send it forth into the world, and greet it with open arms when it returns again to confess to you another, longer list of evils.

6-GMG-4-25-01.p65

1

The Rutgers University administration interrupts its daily activities to wish the outgoing class of 2001 farewell.

4/24/01, 3:02 AM

Wednesday, April 25th, 2001

Thanks for the mammaries.

FEATURES

“What’s in that thing in your crotch? And what are those two things on your chest?”

Relationship advice from a guy who knows absolutely nothing about relationships

by Mike Ryan, Features Editor Dear Mike, A few weeks ago, my girlfriend started wearing a pair of panties, and she hasn’t changed them yet. And she makes me go down on her every day. She asked me if I’d prefer it if she showered, or changed her underwear, or douched, but I come from a very repressive Catholic family and never really had a discussion like this with anyone before, so I panicked and told her no. Is there anything that can be done, or am I doomed to a lifetime of munching on her bacteria-ridden and bloody vagina?

Dear Mike, I used to write an anonymous advice column for a certain progressive magazine of a certain women’s college that is part of Rutgers University. I wrote my last column a couple of weeks ago, and since then I’ve felt really empty. I’m really going to miss it because I like helping other people by sharing the benefit of my sexual experience with them. I also think I really made a positive impact on the way the womyn who read the paper view their sexuality. It was the most empowering experience of my life. I mean, it was almost as if I had a penis. What should I do?

-Disgusted by Bush on Busch -Girl on Her Own at Douglass College Dear Disgusted, I think I heard someone talking about menstruation in health class once when I was in high school, and it might have been my teacher. She didn’t say whether or not you could eat it, but I think I’d assume that you could. Or wait a minute. Shit. I don’t think I’m the best person to ask about this. The fact that your boyfriend is so obsessive about keeping your nether regions clean makes me think he’s probably the controlling type. If I were you, I wouldn’t talk about it with him, but instead go out of my way to make my pubic region filthier. If you’re really on a soccer team like you said you are, it shouldn’t be all that difficult. And I would also withhold sexual relations of any kind for quite some time. Women are bombarded with messages in cartoons and advertisements that tell them to be ashamed of their natural odors and secretions, and that they should feel guilty about going weeks at a time without washing themselves there. Tell your boyfriend if he’s not part of the solution, he’s part of the problem.

Dear Mike, My boyfriend recently told me that he had a homosexual experience before we started going out. Does that make him gay?

Dear Girl on Your Own, I’m sure a lot of people know exactly what you’re talking about. Not me, though. I don’t know anything about relationships, and I don’t think women is spelled that way. Also, you always seemed to tell women to touch themselves in their no-no spots and things of that nature, and I don’t understand how that could possibly be empowering. I mean, when I want to feel powerful, I wait until my roommate Chris leaves my apartment and then dress up in his clothes and pretend I’m him. I guess this solution isn’t feasible for everyone, though, since not everyone can live with Chris. He’d probably let you live with him, though.

Dear Mike, I have a really big problem and I’m not sure what I should do. I’m a 12year-old girl who recently moved to a new town. The thing is, my family has to keep moving around because of my father. He’s a child molester. The problem is this: Daddy spends all this time making other children feel their first tingly orgasms and when he comes back home he does a half-assed job with me… he hasn’t made me cum in months. How can I talk to him about this without him beating my cute girl ass to death? Please help me.

-Distraught on Livingston -Hymenless Helen Dear Distraught, Yes, your boyfriend is a homosexual. And that makes you a homosexual man Dear Hymenless, as well.

You sound like you have a severe learning disability. You never learned to desire your father. All little girls go through a phase where they want to kill mommy Dear Mike, and marry daddy. Psychologists call this the Elektra complex. It’s something most The first weekend of my freshman year I met a guy at a frat party and we girls go through when they’re very young. If you don’t get past it soon, you’re going went back to my place and fooled around. I didn’t see him for awhile, but the other to be in serious trouble once the hormones start coursing through your body. I suggest day my best friend announced to me that she was going out with him. She doesn’t you learn to like it, or else you’re going to severely damage yourself psychologically, know what happened between us, and ordinarily I wouldn’t say anything about it, but which will make it difficult for you to have meaningful relationships with the other when I hooked up with him he offered me 50 dollars to take a shit on his face and members of your family. urinate on him as he ate it, and then burn him with cigarettes. I took it, and did everything he asked me, and it made me feel really cheap. Also, we didn’t have any Dear Mike, sexual contact whatsoever, but I somehow got pregnant, and the baby was born with a Why can’t I get a friggin’ date, Mike? number of neurological disorders. The whole thing has bled my family’s savings dry over the past few years because I had no way of getting in touch with him. Should I -Anonymous talk to her about it? And how can I get him to pay me the child support he owes me?

Dear Anonymous, -Messed Up Girl on College Ave. There are a number of reasons why you can’t get a date. I can’t get a date, either, to tell you the truth. I think it may have something to do with my physical Dear Messed Up Girl, appearance, my personality, and my general attitude towards life. If you’re not You sound like a very self-centered person. You’re obviously mad at the guy particularly tall, a little on the bony side, and uglier than most people, you might have for never calling you back the next day, and you’re very jealous of your best friend for problems, women may not notice you as much as some bronze god with abs you could snagging him after he left you in the lurch. There are a few things you should think scrub laundry on. Also, if you typically yell out caustic remarks that hurt people’s about. First of all, the sexual palette has many, many colors, and, while you may feelings instead of keeping them to yourself, or would rather scour the internet for the settle for a staid Victorian black in the bedroom, this guy and your friend might be most homosexual of homosexual pornography than go to an ice cream social, you may looking for something in a tasty brown. I say let them live it up; they’re lucky to have find that this inhibits your social life. And if you do not thank God for every second each other. And don’t try to tell me you were absent in health the day they told you of every day, but rather sulk around your apartment in sweatpants scratching the your that you could get pregnant from having someone eat your feces. It’s too bad that embarrassingly filthy and sweaty balls and eating ramen noodles without washing your son or daughter has so many problems, but think about how much you’d be your hands intermittently, then you may not have the best of luck with the ladies. Of hurting your friend if you started constantly hounding her boyfriend for money. All course, this is all just conjecture on my part, and the truth is probably that the women that will do is remind her of the sexual past you have with him. you’re seeking out are just too superficial.

Please come to the Medium meeting tonight in room 113 of the Livingston Student Center. We are holding elections. The rules governing eligibility to run and vote are available at www.themedium.net/information/constitution.html. I usually don’t address my readers directly, but if anyone thinks they can be a better GMG editor than I, I defy you to show yourself at tonight’s meeting, unless you’re the old GMG editor. I embarrass you in front of your close friends and total strangers and then you will lick my boots.

7-Features-4-25-01.p65

1

Mike Ryan is not a licensed psychiatrist, but he is licensed to annoy the hell out of you by taking 15 minutes to undo the clasp on your bra. Goddamn, that kid’s a fucking moron when it comes to relationships If you really want to, you can submit your relationship questions to mgryan@eden, but there’s not going to be another issue of The Medium until the fall.

Also, be sure to check out The Medium Online for election results. Also, The Medium will have a new Online Editor after this Wednesday, so be sure to check in with us periodiocally over the summer if s/he turns out to be any good.

4/24/01, 3:04 AM

FUN PAGE

Wednesday, April 25th, 2001

“” Hey Kids! Its time for your favorite game:

Match the Medium Editor to the Used Feminine Hygiene Product!!!

With this issue the Medium will be bidding farewell to a few talented vaginas. What better way to say goodbye than to show off some of their best output?

www.themedium.net

Amanda Hoffman Senior Editor, Arts Editor Rachel Beckman Personals Editor

Christopher Taylor Editor-in-Chief

Yes, kids, Mike Molino has 4 vaginas!

Across 1. Hub City Band 8. New Orleans Boys 10. British Flyers 1.

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Down 1. Tan (of Black & Tan) 2. ____ Flux (MTV Anime) 3. Train Hwy. 4. ____ Knows Baseball 5. Not Down 6. Defenders of Liam s Integrity 7. Ancient Lobbying Grp. 8. Penetrating Organ 9. The Stand Actor Davis 11. Lancre Witch 15. Scads 16. Ceremonial Act 17. Jazzy Domino 21. RU ____ 22. Up-Up-Down-Down-LeftRight-Left-Right-B-A-B-AStart 24. A Contractual Bind 25. Evil ISP 26. Rambunctious Reaganites Org. 28. TV Manufacturer 30. Radiohead s Computer 31. 25D s Chatter

4/23/01, 9:24 PM

Michelle Salvaggio What’s Shakin’ Editor Mike Molino Online Editor

Wednesday, April 25th, 2001

YEAR IN REVIEW 2

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SPORTS

“What is this ... the year of the jerk?”

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Super-Fun Game!!!

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Best Tasting Urine: Mitch Kupchack After sampling urine from many Rutgers students, the best is obviously that of this strapping young Rutgers College sociology major. The nose was closed at first, but then opened up into rich blackberry and salmon notes, and the longer it sat in the glass, the more aromas erupted. Clean red fruits, spice, vanilla, roasted beef, olives, and a herbaceous note evolved. In the mouth his urine has a smooth texture, and... what? This is supposed to be "Year in Review"? Oh, I thought it was "Urine Review," my bad!

Finish this shameless Targum endorsement that was featured in one of the Targum's self-serving full page ads!

Hey,

this i

sn’t g

ay po

rn!?

Funniest Campus Publication: The ConverseAsian We here at The Medium try to be Rutgers's #1 source for humor on campus but even we must admit when we are upstaged by another campus publication. The ConverseAsian is without a doubt the funniest humor publication on campus … leaving The Medium and John Doe close behind. Apparently put out as a publication to mock people's need to have every group represented in publication form, The CoverseAsian's text-heavy articles let the Rutgers community know how people on Busch feel about … you know, stuff. Still, with the introduction of the ConverseAsian there is only one group which fails to be represented properly in the campus media: bisexual Eskimos.

Best Un-Natural Disaster: Burst Steam Pipe When the river flooded Route 18, we thought it was funny. When swarms of tiny flies choked the skies around Brower Commons, we thought it was humorous. But when the steam pipe burst underground, we felt priveleged to meet the Sam Kinison of unnatural distasters! Vile pillars of white smoke erupted from cavernous pits while boiling water filled the gutters, giving the College Avenue campus a hellish aspect just in time for Open House. PSE&G was unable to locate the source of the break for a few days, as plumes of noxious steam gave College Ave a scent of its own. To alleviate the situation, they dug more and bigger holes. The steam was tested for harmful substances, but there was never a follow-up article in the Targum. Next year, if you see Hillel and Chabad painting their lintels with lamb's blood, the firstborn better start running.

Most Unred Student Publication: Green Print

"The Daily Targum is an invaluable part of the State of Rutgers ..."

Get it?! It’s a play on words. tee hee!! I’m so clever. Someone kill me.

Best Submitted Personal: “fucking shit ass cock shit ball nut sucking cock monger whore weasel chicken fucker crap nut fuck monkey asshole slut shit fucker monkey fucking cock sucker with cunt shit pastey white ass fuck.”

Most Threatening to Democracy: The Daily Targum After failing to garner a quarter of the undergraduates' signatures during the laughably underrepresented second week of April, The Daily Targum, Rutgers University's answer to USA Today, extended the polling into another week, farting in the face of all that is holy about the democratic process. Skewed (and decidedly egomaniacal) thinking on the part of the Targum's editorial board caused this, at best, error in judgement. News flash wire-pasters: we don't need you; at least not for $8.50 per semester.

-- Greg Schiano "Rutgers Football Coach" A) "... I know because I've been here for two days."

B) "... I know because Rutgers pays me lots of money."

C) "... because it's the only reason people know who I am."

A Super-Fun-Happy-Comic!@# dedicated to personal editors, past present and future

This year's most comical death: Bert Ackleback was walking home from school when he tripped. Normally this wouldn't be a problem but this time... Bert was in front of a large group of autistic children who tragically and comically crushed him to death.

when i say R! you say U! Okay? ... R!

Best Mathematical Constant: Pi Yes, it's true that e was pretty popular last year. While it still retains the title of being the natural logarithmic base, Pi is still equal to the circumference of a circle divided by twice the radius AND the area of a circle divided by the square of the radius. It's tough to top that one-two punch. But don't look now, the Euler constant is hot on its trail and one can't forget about the Golden Mean.

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4/24/01, 2:57 AM

ARTS

Be my head and I will be yours.

Video games for the Unemployed

Note, the following games are highly addictive, time consuming, and rot your brain. The Medium assumes no responsibility if you flunk all your finals, lose your job, and get dumped because you decided to play these games without being unemployed.

Unemployment. It’s what us graduating seniors have to face.

When the door is slammed in your face for the upteenth time and no one cares that you managed to write an honors thesis about some ob-

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September 1st, 1997

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scure French poem, there’s nothing left to do but accept defeat and apply at something more your speed.

Repeat after me: “Would you like fries with that?”

Perhaps, you will be lucky enough to move in with the parents and save on rent. You can look forward to days on the couch while you are “job searching.” In your ample amounts of spare time, check out these games: Dungeon Keeper 2: I can’t vouch for any other version of Dungeon Keeper, but this one is quite en-

tertaining. You are the keeper of a dungeon and must keep your evil minions happy, healthy, and well trained. Depending on the rooms in your labrynth, you will attract various creatures, such as a goblin, mistress, or bile demon. When your forces grow strong enough, you get to kill the valiant good guys. If you liked SimCity but wanted to see your townspeople torture, maim, and kill, get this game. ($15, Target) The Sims: If your ego is a little bruised from unsuccessful job searches and you still have some

4/24/01, 3:57 AM

graduation gift money left over, then sink it into this $50 game from Maxis, the people who brought you the original SimCity. This time, instead of being mayor and zoning city blocks, you are God, the Ultimate Landlord.

You build your little family, determining race, wardrobe, gender and personality. Then, you build a cozy home for them to live in. Then you can control their every decision! You can make 8 people live in a 2 bedroom apartment with only one bathroom and no oven (Just like you and your old roommates!) You can make your Sims fall in love, only to have their hearts crushed when they find their beloveds cheating on them (Just like you!). You can deny them access to things like television and sunlight or you can be benevolent and take good care of your Sim families, but they will probably still pee on themselves (You have to tell them everything).

You can edit everything, creating a electronic replica of your pathetic hovel or building the house of your dreams. The Sims have much better luck finding jobs than you do, but might have difficulties keeping them (they’d much rather stay home and watch tv then join the carpool at 7 am). If you didn’t feel you had enough control over the rats in your psych experiments, get this game ($50, www.ea.com) Snood: Probably the worst of the bunch, because it’s free and easily downloadable from www.snood.com. Once installed, Snood takes over your life. You will find yourself snooding everywhere you can, installing it on friend’s computers so you can snood while they go pee. It’s like Bust a Move, but instead of cute dragons blowing bubbles, mean little heads make faces at you. It looks easy while someone else is playing, but you will never get the face you want when you’re at the helm.

Snood looks like you can just play it for 15 minutes and leave it, but it taunts you, allowing you to think you are getting better while it knows you can only get worse.

So this summer, when you’re either living with mom or living off ramen noodles, put your computer to good use, play video games. --Arts

How about having an alumni dinner a year from now?

May 17th, 2001

ORpHanSpoRkS!

ARTS

Well, it’s the end of my four years here at RU, and the end of my infamous career with the Medium. I’d like to thank all the people for memories I will never forget, even after decades of hard drugs, psychological counseling, and shock therapy.

Let your ears be penetrated by their sweetness.

I feel like I should impart some words of wisdom, or share a funny anecdote about the me You may have heard of them, but probably not. before Rutgers got involved, but I’ve never been good at that. And if I tried to list all of you, They are singers and they’re classically trained. Do I would misspell your names and forget half of you, so here’s a mini bumping uglies for you know what that means? Classically trained goodbye: singers are taught to keep their throats open wide unbutton her shirt. Anonymous hands soon Sandra was never the kind of girl to stay out so that they can breathe easily and sound better. As late on a school night, but something about got her undressed, caressing every inch of a bonus to that trait they are excellent at deep her tingling skin. She sensed someone on this Wednesday compelled her to board the throating. the floor before her, felt his breath against GG and head to Yorba Lounge. She didn’t That brings me to my next point. The her leg. Gently his fingers slid between her know what to expect OrphanSporks are very lonely sexually. Everyone lips, followed by his at this meeting. All in the group needs to get laid and some need a lot tongue. As the guy she knew was that more. If you go to their show the chances are 2 to below her licked and the short magazine 1 that you will get your money’s worth in sexual sucked her clit into was intriguing, favors. Talk to a Spork and they will be yours. ecstacy, she felt the disturbing, funny, and (However, if you’re not into the whole commitment aggravating. She smooth skin of a hard thing, they’re fine with one-night stands and quick- found her way to cock brush against her ies.) They are longing for you. They have a ton of cheek. Eagerly she Tillett, and entered energy and stamina and many can handle more than Yorba Lounge. Once gripped the cock with one partner. They have nimble mouths, and great both hands, sliding them inside, she followed rhythm. up and down the shaft the boisterous group As a side note, the show will be fun to watch with as she licked the head. into a small office. songs you know from all different music genres— She leaned forward to Crammed between but no one really cares about that. It’s pretty take in as much as she could, feeling the stacks of gay porn and the refrigerator, cheap—3 dollars, but the sex is free so don’t tongue twisting around her clit moving faster.

Sandra wondered why she had come in the forget that. Saturday, Scott Hall 135, 8pm. first place. Then she felt a warm hand on her She could see other naked bodies writhing in time with her own, felt their eyes watching Post scriptum: “Pete Rose!!!!!!” “HEY!!!!!!” shoulder. Before she could turn to see whose it was, curious fingers fluttered up her her. Her body shivered as ecstacy rose from between her thighs to fill her entire body. The thigh. The room was dim and heavy with breathing as the bodies around her began to room pulsated with orgasmic delight as a chorus of moans filled the room. Panting, move, hands swirling over breasts, backs, sweaty, satisfied, the bodies piled on one and behinds, slipping under and over shirts, skirts, and slacks. She felt hot and began to another, and rested No Instruments Necessary For This Good Time

Letter in Box Fun!

Lick My Box

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4/24/01, 4:00 AM

OBITUARIES

“King Solomon’s Mines, Exit 75, I’m still alive”

Christopher R. Taylor “He Should Have Used a Calculator” Christopher “Black Dress” Taylor’s life came to a slow but excruciatingly painful stop yesterday. On one of his world famous midnight strolls Taylor began to think of math theories beyond the understanding of common folk. As he walked past a homeless man Chris was thinking aloud and said “The sum of numbers operates under different principles than was heretofore believed. As with relative velocities, large number addition contains a corrective factor, the correction growing more significant as one approaches N, the largest real number.”

Bystanders said that the old man jumped to his feet upon hearing this and started screaming “That nonsense is the product of these highfalootin sandal wearing hobo beating institutions called quantum mathematics!”

Never having liked confrontation, Chris screamed like a little girl and tried to run away. In an attempt to anger Taylor and lure him into a fight the hobo called him the ugliest girl at the prom. Suddenly a car began to blast some techno music and Chris was inspired. He stopped running away and charged the hobo. Recalling the brutal fighting style of Connor & Murphy McManus he ran flailing his limbs in the direction of the frail malnourished man.

The homeless man pulled a broken abacus out of his trench coat at the last moment and held it out in front of him. As Taylor’s body dove onto the old man the abacus was thrust into his urethra. Stunned with the pain Chris froze mid air and was hovering just long enough for the hobo to withdraw and stab him again, but this time in the chest.

On that cold damp sidewalk Christopher “Christkiller Johnson” Taylor stayed motionless and silent until it was time for his final goodbye… he summoned all his strength and screamed “Bile!”

Michelle A. Salvaggio Medium Editor, Friend, Good Fuck This past weekend a wonderful young woman found herself being part of a revolutionary video. Jean Van Plead, a German pornography director, offered her $25 to take part in the first filmed sextuple-penetration video. The added twist that only Salvaggio could bring to the table… it involved her with nothing but animals.

Michelle was being suspended in the air by a series of ropes and pulleys as to allow the animals as much access as possible. With a mongoose in mouth, two birds (a bluejay and cardinal) penetrating her nostrils, she had a puma mount her and then the brown bear went at her prison-style.

When it was time for one more orifice to be filled tragedy struck. The rhino, who had been denied access due to the extreme nature of its girth, decided that he was gonna get some ass one way or another. He stepped on the rat with large genitals who was supposed to ejaculate into Ms. Salvaggio’s ear. Then Rudy, the rhino, charged at the suspended lady and “mistook her belly button for another orifice”. His massive horn speared her open and then… there was enough room for his “rhinohood”.

Fortunately the mongoose came shortly after this incident and Michelle had enough time to say these last words: “I haven’t bled this much since the first time.”

Rachel Beckman

The elder Medium Personals editor, Rachel Beckman, was found dead on Monday morning in her apartment after an apparent suicide. Friends of Beckman told reporters she had been distraught over the possibility of being expelled from Douglass College just weeks before graduating with honors, after allegations emerged that she plagiarized much of her thesis.

The thesis was on symbolism in clown-boy pornography, a subject about which she had previously authored several volumes.

However, a reader with Douglass’s English Department noticed that a number of key passages and arguments had been lifted almost verbatim from the autobiography of famous American broadcaster Bob Costas. “She was claiming these words were her own, but I immediately recognized Bob Costas’s unmistakable voice in every case. There was so much pressure on her to succeed at this school that I guess she couldn’t handle, and she must have finally snapped. She didn’t do a very good job covering her tracks, but, in her defense, she couldn’t have glommed more eloquent words from anyone, living or dead,” remarked the reader, who wished to remain anonymous.

County medical examiners were shaken by the particularly grizzly nature of Beckman’s death. “She was wearing a clown wig and a leather bondage suit, and her anus was filled with shiny dildos that she had apparently fired into herself with the aid of a large cannon.

There was blood everywhere. I mean, I know the kind of stuff they do in the movies she liked to watch, but you have to remember that those are professional actors operating in a controlled environment, and you can’t imitate everything you see in the movies,” remarked Bill Pallings, a spokesman for the coroner’s office.Beckman’s younger brother was quite upset after getting news of his sister’s death, and stated, “Why did this happen to her?

Why couldn’t it have happened to me instead? I mean, I know people usually say things like this when a loved one dies, but I can honestly say that I wish those dildos had been fired into my anus instead of hers. Why, oh why couldn’t it have been me instead?”Rachel Beckman debuted in The Medium with a groundbreaking piece entitled “Trick or Treat: Subway Series Style,” which was soon followed by “I’m Going to Plagiarize Key Phrases and Arguments on the Subject of Clown-Boy Pornography from Bob Costas’s Autobiography for my Thesis,” regarded by many as her finest work. She will be deeply missed.

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Wednesday, April 25th, 2001

Michael Molino “Good Riddance” says Friends and Family Mike “T-Bone” Molino was a complicated man … complicated and stupid. Well, come to think of it he wasn’t all that complicated … his life consisted of listening to “progressive music” and, as is often the case with people who are fans of the prog-rock genre, collecting gay pornography. But, boy, was he stupid. Stupid and gay … like a candle in the wind.

After serving for over a year as a Personals editor, T-Bone decided to concentrate his time to being The Medium’s online editor. As our online editor he was supposed to represent The Medium on the vast landscape of cyberspace. He often neglected this duty, instead opting to use the time to research his “child pornography paper” which he always claimed was “due in less than a week.” In the end, this perpetual project consumed every aspect of his life. It was only after his death did I learn that he lied to me and Rutgers College doesn’t offer a major in “Child Pornography.” Apparently, the paper was just a farce to disguise his vicious addiction.

Michael “T-Bone” Molino died on April 20th, 2001 at approximately 2:12pm in his Easton Avenue Apartment, naked and hairless as the day he was born. He is apparently the first documented case of someone dying from an overdose of child pornography.

His funeral was a bit bizarre, to say the least. In his will he demanded that his body be hollowed out and filled with tootsie rolls, then hung from a pole. Everyone at his funeral was given three blindfolded swings with a bat to break open his carcass. Sadly, I was the one to eventually break open the goody bag full of tootsie rolls and partially digested food that was once my friend.

Some will remember him as a Medium editor. Others … just some pervert on the street. I will always remember him as the guy who looks a lot like Patrick Duffy from TV’s Step by Step.

As I sit here holding a soiled pair of leather pants he once owned I can’t help but miss him… for he owed me money.

Amanda Hoffman “It’s the way we all want to go.”

This Monday, April 23, Douglass College senior and dildo aficionado Amanda Hoffman was found dead in the bathtub of her off-campus apartment in New Brunswick. After a shopping excursion to the Playtime Boutique that yielded a bounty of toys, she ran a warm bath to relax and try some of her new gadgets. She made a quick stop in her room to pick up some of her old favorites in case the recently purchased gizmos didn’t do the trick.

Several hours later, unsatisfied with her purchases, Amanda grabbed one of the vibrators she had hastily gathered from her room. Unfortunately, the vibrator she grabbed … one which had been recalled months ago by Cum-in-Handy Inc., New Brunswick’s largest manufactureer of dildos and big black dongs … was not waterproof. Upon coming in contact with the water the vibrator exploded in her vagina. Autopsy reports have yet to come back but preliminary investigations indicate she died from severe internal bleeding due to her vagina exploding.

The neighbors across the street heard the racket, but thought nothing of it. “We always hear loud cries of passion from her house,” they said. “She probably uses Herbal Essences or something.”

“She will be very missed … too bad the water did not miss her vibrator … which in turn exploded in her vagina.” said one close friend.

Amanda Hoffman was an artist … with an artist’s eye … an artist’s eye for dildos.

4/24/01, 4:36 AM

Wednesday, April 25th, 2001 I would just like to say that the word shat is the funniest word EVER. It was in a reply to a personal last week and I came in my Charlie Brown briefs I was laughing so hard. It was perhaps the best day of my life, and I have the Medium to thank. Also, anyone who uses those hallway phones in the dorms really pisses me off!

They deserve to be shot numerous times and raped in every bullet hole! Poop is a funny word too.

Yea, I like that word a lot.

(Ohh baby I love a man who likes my vocabulary, why don’t we get together and you can see my Snoopy thongs) Do people realize Hondas are not cool? Every other loser at this college is riding around in their Honda acting like they are all tough. I have seen babies riding tricycles that look tougher and have more power then these ride on lawn mowers. I do not know what kind of crack these people are taking but it must be pretty good if they are driving around in a Honda. Really it makes me laugh and feel sorry for them. questions from a confused burnout.....to ALL the "iagree w/ mike" people..whats YOUR whole thing a/b? I don't understand, but that mite be cuz i free-BASE. oh yeah, ARE frat guys really gay? if i'm white do i BELONG on busch? and what does "apathy now" mean TO US? (1-I suck Jesus’ cock; 2-No Virginia, there is no such thing as a straight frat member; 3-Get out you’re dropping crumbs Cracker; 4-I don’t care) fuck shit cunt motherfucker goddamn piece of assraping barbara streisand monkey love watcher donkeyraping shit eater penguin ass spelunker buttpirate fudgepacker cream of sum yung guy for your sum dum hoe gay frat boy elephant walker cocksucker pisslicker hermaphroditic midget fucker richard simmons addict bitchass cockmonger purply sparkled spiky doubledonged dildo that vibrates up your ass dumbass who agrees with mike(read ASIAN)(by the way jesus HATES you) oh well im gonna go watch kung fu porn now.

Ok, I am fucking SICK of all the slow people who happen to be online at Brower every fucking time I'm there. Get your food and move on! I do NOT have all day. RU slow? to the guy who works at the college ave gym: thanx for turning up the club music today yeah u the hot one w/the spikes it kept me going the whole hour c ya in the clubs hehe "W" Got'Em

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I hope my backpack isn t smoking up. . .

to residence life i'd like to take a moment to thank you for making my last moments at rutgers a reflection upon the true rutgers experience, yes thank you for bending over we douglass seniors and shoving your steel dildos up our asses. it is truely a generous and ingenious decision to move seniors out of their on-campus apartments due to so called "renovations" which you will be making for next year's students. afterall, who gives a shit about the current seniors who have now been fucked up the ass so many times their ass cheeks no longer meet. let's not kid ourselves, you never start a god-damn project at douglass until 2 days before school starts. and to the woman i spoke with at housing, you can be a condescending bitch all you want, but remember your actions when the rutgers machine decides to replace you with an automatic strap on dear bert. my prostate still hurts from last night. i dont know what vitamins you started taking, but can you stop?

Listen ernie, you skanky ho-bitch. you betta shut yo dick hole. if your prostate hurts, its cause you deserved it. next time, you betta have my sandwich ready before i come back from work, or ill stick your rubber ducky up there, too. and dont fo-get, you MY bitch.

Dear bert. i love it when you talk dirty.

(Snuffelufugus has to be the hottest S.S. character, damn that long, hairy trunk turns me on....

FUCK FRUIT FLIES!!!

To the nasty asshole in Clothier on the hockey team, what the fuck are u smoking? Just because I dumped your sorry ass is no reason to start spreading rumors shitfor-brains. So go back to the trailor park with all the other white trash that you like to fuck up the ass (your mom, dad, sister.) Maybe the next day you don't get any, like tomorrow, you go back down to the farm and start pleasuring yourself with your cows. GO FUCK YOURSELF Shakazulu because I'm sure as hell not going to do it for ya. LOVE the blonde nasty Marlton hoe (If you are going to have sex with farm animals don’t go for cows, fuck pigs, they squeal real nice) ATTENTION all the ass-fucking whores in Katzenbach-what happened? Did your daddies not touch you enough when you were younger? Why else would you bitches spend every night on Frat Row, pretending not to fuck every guy that is willing to talk to your ugly asses? Get a community DILDO, hoes!

(It should be obvious what they are doing - answering the age old question of if you can turn a guy man straight) cristinaijina, stop blowing all those guys, you'll never be captain spank like me!

(Mom always said, “There can never be too many of us whores”)

Parking nazi must die. He deserves to be hung by his genitals while his pubic hair is lit on fire by a blowtorch. His mouth must be filled w/fire ants and ass stuffed with bees. He deserves to have his brain cut open, head split in two, while remaining alive and having maggots stuffed up his nose. Some one needs to take his homosexual, rent-a-cop fake baton, plunge it up his ass thru his stomach thru his heart and into his brain. And if after all that he is still alive, the badge #666,666 should be used to chip out his tiny nazi teeth that he took from the death camps. Parking nazi you deserve to get gang raped by the giant crabs that infest TKE. Die you fucking microdick squirrel rapist.

To B4 [ Big Bootied Black Boy]: INSERT HERE : MY SNATCH! I'll make you cum faster than a speeding bullet...-Superwoman (Since when is premature ejaculation a good thing?)

To that baggin big ass preceptor on Mettler 3. I wanna get knee deep in dat big luscious rotund ass.

My mandingo warrior is begging for your juicy wetness to cum all over it. Damn I wanna make a map of Hawaii all over your ass with my cum, you fucking goddess of fucking for all to fuck. I would wait in the longest line to get a jab at your ass. Hit me up Pleassee, I'm jacking off just picturing your hatchback of an ass. Luv always your mandingo warrior.

Minorities “Take Back The Whip”

To Ms. K-Ci & JoJo on T4... it wasn't so much I was gone in 60 secs. as much as I WANTED to get the FUCK OUTTA THERE after seeing ur toes that had more hair on them than ur CUNT!!!! So let's just set the record straight. Sincerely, De Best Rican U EVA HAD!!!!

Attn: my malcontent balding guido - Jimmy, the glow-in-thedark alcoholic mutant Uke - Matt, my silly little slutwhore - Deja, all my bitches on Richardson, and all my other ho's out there - this shitz OVA! We're finally out of this squirrel fisting merry-go-round called Rutgers!! I'm gonna miss your stank asses - and to all you women out there - this is your last chance to get your swerve on with SUPERMAN! So get in line - "no pushing, no shoving, no fainting!"

For all you biziaches that got the peep show at the BAHAMAS you know WAAZZUUUPPP!! HA HA HA! (i'm so full of shit). I'm gonna miss you slobs, and let's not ever forget the Rutgers mantra "We don't make mistakes".

PEACE OUT!! p.s. oh yeah, to that dirty Jew goat-boy Erran - eat a dick!

PERSONALS This one is for RU... FUCK YOU! I'm OUT! i'd like to take a moment to thank my pals for another great year here at ru. to the french pirate, i always knew that i had a home in the folds of your fleshy lotion filled ass. candy jack, thanks for providing the soundtrack to all the hot man fucking that went on in your room. doc, you truly are the baron von frankenfetus, thanks for making out with joe that time when you were drunk. portugese inferno, your muscles have always reminded me of a fine kentucky race horse, and lord knows i'll be working your ass this summer like a jock on prom nite. rookie, fuck you, you are truly the gayest man to have ever walked this planet. the kid, you are truly the sweetest, kindest, most handsome and humble man i have ever met in all my years... love, abraham lincoln To that fucking asshole on Livingston that blasts his fucking shitty rap music at Tillet circle while everyone is sitting outside enjoying the warm weather. No body wants to listen to your fucking garbage music. You fucking faggot with your little girl voice, and your inability to grow facial hair. That is why your hair is always so short, you cut it so that you can paste it to your face and chest so that you look somewhat like a man, with your gay little thin wanna be sideburns.

You are nothing but a piece of shit, and I hope when you go to prison, that you get gang raped by all the inmates until your asshole bleeds.

(Oh boy I haven’t had a good asshole bleeding for a while, not since I had to put my dog to sleep) To my roommate, the original FAT BITCH, I cannot wait until I can bone your dirty, nasty ass again.

You are so pathetic that the only guy that you could find to fuck you this year was my boyfriend. You are one of those dirty whores that people fuck because masturbation isn't satisfying enough. If I were him I'd of rather play bingo. Don't you ever wonder why he never talks to you when he's sober? Your presence nauseates him when he's not fucked up. I've never seen someone eat so much cream of cum, you grease truck-loving pig.

You have so many disgusting habits. Wash your dishes, throw out all of your moldy food and grow the fuck up... You chubby, fruit cake sandwich eating slut. Your mother should've swallowed or spit. My father should turn gay.

Maybe you should wash that rotten snatch. Your fucking scent makes me want to touch myself.

Your big ass is a nightmare, you fucking hot, sexy momma!

Beckpeople suffer their wrath!

4/24/01, 2:33 AM

(Next time keep your personal short, like your boyfriend’s dick)

PERSONALS To that dumbass who wrote that shit about Honda Civics: Fuck you and go get yourself a hobby(besides masturbation).

You’re just bitching because it takes you an hour to start your piece-of-shit car and the zip-ties holding up your fake chrome wheel covers are coming loose. Try saving up and getting yourself a car that works instead of wasting it to buy gay midget porn. Just make sure you never pull up next to my decal-less, stock-headlight Civic because I’ll out-accelerate, outcorner, and out-brake you while still getting 30 miles to the gallon, stupid bitch.

That s 160 proof tang....

Thank heaven for all those hot fucking guys over at Cook, otherwise me and the rest of the hoes here on Douglass would be hurtin!

The only reason we go to the gym or dining hall is to see wonderful specimens of males there. We don’t even care that you guys like to fuck cows for fun! MOO! (This was sent from a cook guy because 1: all douglass gals are lesbians... and 2: the only hot males on cook are the cows... well they’re the only guys i find attractive....)

I just want to take this time to say fuck you

Come to a Medium meeting... almost better than doing nothing

i cant think now u cocksuckin chode smokin mofo!

To that sexy stud who lives in Davidson D, there are a million and one not nice things I'd like to do to you too. Come over and join me for a little fun -- I'll make it so worth your while.

(My mom said that if i drank milk everyday that i would be a sexy stud... my mother is a liar.)

(I know who got a Word-A-Day Calender from their mommy)

(I think we should learn to hate anyone who is not me)

To all the people who’ve helped me out this year... thanks, i’ve been through a lot of shit... if it weren’t for you guys there is a good chance i would have hung myself with my urethra.

The following people have been diagnosed with Erectile Dysfunction at the RU health centers: — Hairy bitch freakish WRSU / Eyes on Rutgers reporter— Lord of the Gnats — All members of the “Liberation Army” — The loud gay Loudmouth Larry The following people have been confirmed on never being able to have an orgasm: — The Bitchy slut Caellian writer— The WRSU freak — The Gay butt pirate

(I’m sorry, i’ll try to abide by that restraining order from now on)

I may be a dick, but at least i dont overeact like a sexually starved fat chick with pms. I’m inconsiderate?

Well why don’t YOU consider sucking my dick, you fat philipino fuck! At least you could be mad at me for a good reason. I can pay you back for the late videos, but i can’t take back nutting in your eye and leaving you blind and bed rid(Yay mass suicide... kill yourself den. So what are you really mad at, just like jesus would) faggot?

Is there somone who pisses you off... do you want to make fun of the autistic and have nobody read it... send personals to...wait... this was the last issue, you fucked up and now no one will know of your hatred of Virginia Woolfe... post personals on www.themedium.net.

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(I love going to up to sexually starved fat chicks with pms... and then punching them in the face... i love it) to you motherfucking cocksucking stank ass pussy rotting hoes, i want to shove my dick in your ear and cum all over your brain... to the kid across the hall from me, stop sneaking into my room and fucking me in the ass everynight... i’m going to miss it next year...ernie is gay (I concur... ernie is definitely a closet homosexual who loves to take it in the bum)

(Don’t fuck with janitors... “i am the eyes and ears of this institution)

To that cretin who lives in Davidson D; you pathetically inept whelp, your intelligence could be compared to that of an amoeba, but alas the amoeba would assuredly prevail. Your rancid stench defiles the beauty of the Asian paradise know as Busch Campus.

Kindly depart hastily.

to that psycho bitch who’s stalking me, i’m not interested! you autistic piece of dung. You are so fucking repulsive I can’t even fathom using you as a piece of ass.

So find another set of balls to swing from you autistic whore.

To the Korean Drummers You guys are so fucking annoying. We all know you guys are all jesus loving gooks who only know how to speak Korean because you’re all fresh off the boat. So why don’t you guys do us a favor and just have a mass suicide? Jesus is waiting for you.

To Glenn, the fat Orgo Lab equipment manager: you may wear that clean white labcoat and wear glasses, but you’re job is on the same level as the Cook Campus Center’s head janitor.

i think that the saddest creatures on earth are albino blacks. i mean, they’re not white, and they’re certainly not black. they get no love. white people hate them because of their fat noses and beady eyes, but if they go to their niggas for comfort, they might get beaten like my pearly white cracker ass did last week. i would probably kill myself if i were an albino black. at least i know i’m white.

(There’s no urethra like a bloody urethra)

Do you get bored every wednesday night? Me too... come to a Medium meeting at the Livingston Student Center room 113

Wednesday, April 25th, 2001

Fuck you and your fancy beerpong rules motherfuckaaaaaaaah when my homophobic roommate watches malcolm in the middle he laughes like a little girl screams when she’s getting her hymen torn open (Oh god, i can’t fight back the tears... such fond memories of working day care.....)

Perhaps i should have taken the towel “how the fuck did you get in here? the door’s locked from the outside.” “um it was open.” “let me check my files on that, FUCK YOU.” “can we get some potato bread first?” “let me check my files on that, GET THE FUCK OUT” (Naked dan... vomit...ahhh) ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan ryan (jeff jeff jeff jeff jeff jeff jeff jeff jeff jeff jeff jeff jeff jeff jeff jeff jeff jeff jeff jef fjeff jeff jeff jeff jeff jeff jeff jeff jeff jeff I love you jeff, will you marry me?)

(I would like to alert the rutgers family, and we are a family, that the following people have herpes... everyone) To the only lonely blue diamond to ever cross my fingers and uncross my legs...your sweet lips breed butterflies in my bosom and my heart fears what my lust eagerly succombs to. Perhaps when cloudy skies break you’ll indulge in gin and bubbles with me as well.

Till then, strawberry kisses.

(He pees in the tub) For that one girl, i love your personality, i think that your all a woman should be like a picture out of a magazine or a vision of my wildest dream.

(Who cares about personality... tell me about her tits) To that fucking jerkmother professor who teaches Calc I on Livingston TTh6- An autistic antelope would be a better professor than you! Your only pleasure comes from failing people or having your TA spank you with a TI82 while singing, “I know my calculus! U+Me=Us!” in broken English.

(I love autistic animals so much... so cudly and warm and... autistic) stealing cookies from the dining hall, life doesn’t get any better than...FUCK (Life will never get any better than... fuck where are the chicken fingers?)

4/24/01, 2:35 AM

A giant impalement by goriila cock goes out to all the Targum’s editors for taking out the crossword puzzle in last wednseday’s issue.

Those tools were just trying to bully people into voting yes for their bullshit referendum, but removing the only decent thing in that A.P.-filled jizzrag of a paper is not the way to do it. May the entire autistic staff be skull-fucked en masse by a gang of the STD-infested football players that they all secretly want to be.

To the targum writer... sorry about your hot fuckable 13-year-old sister and the guy with the big dick....

(Nothing makes me smile more than the thought of a young girl bleeding profusely b/c of a large penis) why is precum sweet but cum is salty?

(For variety... see it’s part of a multi-course meal) dear beckboy, i will really miss our random fucking w/ animals and our torrid cyber affairs. but remember, chocolate syrup melts even better on my glistening naked body when it’s summer... so cum stalk me, you hairless stud, i’ll be waiting w/ the spatula. love from your masturbation muse.

(I thought you were pouring the syrup on me?) to that short fat dumpy scuzzy and anal retentive mofo of a TA for my history of pharmacy class: you suck hairy ape nuts. in fact, you’re not nearly good enough to come anywhere near hairy ape nuts. your squeaky prepubescent voice makes my stomach acid curdle and if i look at you too long i have a wild urge to shove my fist up my ass to block out the disgusting image of your face. stop taking off 50 million pts for everyt iny mistake in the HWs. go make some weird toxic drug in your la you pharmgeek, eat it and die, die, die. p.s. i know i have an A in the class so fuck off limpdick.

ALL YOUR LOBSTER ARE STICK TO MAGNET. Welcome back to the land of the sane. Seattle, Martians, and life itself awaits.

(Lobster has antenna but don’t you grab it...)

1 2 3 4 WHO’S PUNK WHATS THE SCORE?!

MOM, STOP CHEATING ON ME!!! you slut whore, don’t i give you enough sweet shaved asian poon loving? (shut up sean) get back here!! i’m not done raping you yet! oh baby, are you comfortable? are you comfortable? let’s arrive together baby, oh yea, oh mom you give me the best lovin ever...

(Best daughter ever....)

Wednesday, April 25th, 2001 To the Racist Asian SLUT in 302... although u admitted to 8 cocks a nite, we still dont believe u. Until u run those smoothe moist lips against both of our Spanish mushrooms we will just continue to think of u as no more than the typical whore (ha). If u would stop creamin ova guys like MATT & JEFF,THE ROCK, and "AKEEM" u would notice that the real men are rite here!

U know u want tha PINGA! Get ur head out ur Polish roommates smelly cunt and cum next door and SUCK US OFF!!! - Da Big Cock Playaz in 303 (Yay finally they’re strong enough to admit that they play with big cock) ALRIGHT ALRIGHT....THIS IS FOR MY HOMOSEXUAL FRIENDS IN LSU. PLEASE SPARE US AND LEAVE LIVINGSTON. EVERY TIME I GO TO TILLET OR COME TO LIVINGSTON, IT ISN'T COMFORTING TO SEE U CORNBALLS AROUND HERE. PHIL WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU...(PHIL THE COSTA RICAN)...YOU POLISH FUCK. NONE OF YA'LL IS COOL. FUCKING SHAME. I'VE SEEN SOME OF YOUR WORK..THESE BITCHES AIN'T NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF. BY THE WAY, IS IT TRUE THAT JULIO WAS FUCKING SOME CHICK ON HIS FLOOR WHEN HIS SHORTY WAS PLEDGING. THE TRUTH COMES OUT. SPEND SOME TIME OVER THE SUMMER REFLECTING ON HOW CORNY YOU DORKS ARE. AND TRUE TO CHANGE... AND MAYBE THE PEOPLE OF LIVINGSTON MIGHT BE NICE ENOUGH TO LET YOU COME TO LIVINGSTON.MAYBE....DON'T GET YOUR HOPES UP (No frat guys are gay... and none of them have to rape girls to get ass either) RU Stupid? RU Ugly? RU Fashionably-Challenged? RU Slow? RU Fucking Annoying? RU? Well, RU really? NO? Then what the fuck RU doing in THIS school?

To that faggot ass bitch azz nigga that was braggin' how he be on the ave in Jersey City, you ain't shit and no'body from JC gets respect.

I don't even go to school here but I saw this shit in the paper because I live with my cousin in the dorm and I come across a fake gangsta!!!!!!! who is SSU? My click be CMM bitch, Criminalz 5th AveI'll bitch slap you you dirty herb and make you fall off that hill you live on. Find us anywhere in Brick City If you so hardcore why don't you leave your name next time, I'll creep up on you, I'll be here all summer. My niggaz call me Slasher, that's because I'll fuckin' murder your ass, clown. Niggaz are soft like a twinky fillin' (This guy is a badaZZ because he be writin in ebonics yo)

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If having sex with small children is a crime then consider me guilty as charged

a couple of weeks ago, i was fuckin a preachers daughter and then she screamed out, SWEET JESUS, FUCK ME IN THE ASS!!. that was the best threesome i ever had. thank Vishnu she wasnt Hindu. you know what they say about guys with 6 arms. there wouldnt have been any holes for me.

Retarded Person of the week: hey you stupid motherfuckers, you dumb cocksuckers pissed off the wrong group, cause i heard that a group of about 25 people, callin themselves the medium haters are gonna set up a certain amount of people on each campus and TAKE ALL THE MEDIUMS AS SOON AS YOU PUT THEM OUT, they are calling it the MEDIUM HEIST. Im just telling you cause i want to read the medium and it better be there (What we found especially amusing about this personal is that this person obviously had no idea that even though this was sent from a hotmail account, it could be traced, as well as the message they posted on our message board.

What is even funnier is that since this person sent from a campus facility, a certain Livingston Library, (coughKilmersneeze) they are now in really really deep shit.

T3 Ginger.. I have no SHAME in tellin this: YOU ARE DA NASTIEST BITCH I HAVE EVER SEEN/ SMELLED. The worms which have found their way out of ur pussy just crawled in my room today and unbeknownst to u, I placed it in ur soap dish (which u won't know because u never use it). U CANT DANCE. U CANT SING. U CANT DRAW. U SUCK MORE DICK THAN HUMANLY POSSIBLE. Nobody cares about ur little niece, nor how ur life has went down the drain. JUST GIVE UP!!! AND GO TO HELL!!!! Urs Truly, R I C H (Sucks dick ehhh? Ginger, come to a medium meeting, we’ll find you a nice home) This is for the cute-ass Indian Sager on 6th south tower. I really don't know what's up with the hair, but I don't care. I wanna fuck you! I always see you talking to different girls but i'm sure i can do things that none of them can. Its almost the end of the year and i at least wanna suck your dick before school ends. I will come up to one of these days to let u know. Please do not be alarmed. I look good and i'm sure you won't mind fucking me. I talked to you one in the gym.

You probably don't remember, but before we break we will be fucking.

I hope you don't have a girl and if you do...I hope you cheat...sweet peaches

WARNING!!!!!!: Zeta Psi bedwetter on the loose!! He goes by the name Sweeney and should be avoided at all costs when blatter is full. He fucks Zeta frat rat bitches and then pisses all over them in a frenzy of GHB-intoxicated bladder weakness. If you choose to fuck the bastard make sure your bed is well protected with plastic and you have a box of depends underwear under you bed for extra nite-time protection. I'm sure that there are some Sweeny-fucking little sluts among you that know exactly what I"m talking about. Proceed with caution when u see the stupid fucking bedwetter driving around in his red pickup hunting for a dry bed that he can leave his mark on. He does prefer the wet cumfort of his own bed which functions as his own private urinal.

To those Chinks and Gooks who think their thugs: Die (Three cheers for rednecks who got to college without knowing the difference between they’re, their and there) This goes out to all the fucking scrubs on College Avenue, Cook, etc....I am so fucking sick and tired of you. I can't smoke a fucking cigarette in peace without some scrub who I don't even know asking me if I have an extra cigarette. First off, 20 come in a back, no extras. Secondly, I work my ass off every week going to school and working and I could barely afford cigarettes for myself never mind for the rest of you scrub dirtbags..what really pisses me off though is that cigarettes are bigger than my dick..don't waste my cigarettes i'm sick of running out of butts cuz of you fuckers... half the time..you fuckers ask me right outside the grease trucks..the grease trucks are right there..go buy your own damn pack...Word to the wise...don't be a fucking scrub cuz smokers like myself are going to die of cancer (That’s what you get for smoking, you should just shoot heroin) It’s all about 277

To my bangle buddy - let us never forget all the beer we never drank and thank god for that because it was probably very very stale...I’ll never forget our coffee time, and all the sex we had...

To Shmo Taylor....'I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign.' You poor thing, you've put up with so much...Wham to Garth Brooks to ALL the Golden Girls trivia, reinactments as well as the theme songs. How I'll miss you! We'll always have our black and tans, so come my birthday, we'll toast, and a good time will be had by all. Kudos. Poop.

To Queen Amallama- 'props' to throwing such a bangin' party...as shit-faced as I was. You were a delightful host, and of course a delightful Senior/Arts Editor. And never fear, this isn't the last that you'll see of Dorothy Zbornak.

So...hmmm...I wish you all the best in your future endeavors and keep 'bangin'...literally...with the whips and all... And next time I'll get ya!!

(Speaking of whips, I’d like to know who the hell bruised my ass) Le-Stubbie- #1 or #2? And I'm not talking about bathroom behaviour.

Keep on rockin'! And always keep in mind what I said to you the other night, when I put you to bed...OH SHIT!!

Rikki- I'm livin' la vida molino!... You were the first guy that I saw naked...and I think I'm going to turn to lesbianism... And I have you to thank. After watching your ardent and supple breasts sway from side to side, and to the way your hips swaggered in those leather pants...

I'm now a changed woman. Take care MoneyMultiplier.

To my drinking buddy: I had a great time at the prom. I hope you can come back next year for mine.

(DB - I had a good time at the prom too, especially when I left you for that hour and had sex with your best friend)

PERSONALS to my bangle buddy...how i will miss you...but bare in mind that the eternal flame will never die. And on that special day June 27th, we will, mind you, party very very hard.

We'll be sure to drink a lot of Bud and consume massive amounts of cheese, because we're bad like that.

We will also be sure to gaze deeply into eachothers 'eyeballs' and engage in a sexual experience that way. I'll miss you Spanky!!

Also...next time we shower, we can do without the loofa. Cuz I know we both like it raw like that.

(No loofa, where’s the lather?)

To that hot asian girl who wants me to shower with her and then dry me off with a nice fun game of “Pin my legs between my head and fuck me like i’m a chinese prostitue”.

Just remind me to bring my swimmies to your party... i’m scared that i might drown in the deep moist place... not the tub... you. Fuck you... i mean fuck me “Corey” smoking is bad for you, don’t you know that by now? I’ll carry you up the steps and make those kinky noises for you, but if you vomit on me I’ll send some right back your way.

(I wish girls would vomit on me) These are a few of my favorite things: leather pants, tiny oj, poonani pooch, bad movies, violent femmes, feather boas, Fuck You, angsty poetry, drinking buddies, jello shots, real beer pong champs, handicapped go-go dancers, bad pick-up lines, MY woman, nachos n beer, handcuffs, Dennys, milk, beads, and all the sick perverts on staff - miss you all bckgrl Dear sexy wet dripping guy in davidson D- come join me for hot raunchy monkey sex in my shower Drinking buddy, I’ll never forget all the times and drinks we shared even years from now, as I lie in my bed, recalling my youth and friends, until the nurse comes in to change my dialysis tube. . .

I figured you guys had seen enough of my brother’s ass (I know I have) so I’m showing some leg.

I hear that redheads who wear glasses and study art are gay.

(You have heard correctly, especially if they are news editors) Atu is the stupidest fuckin moron I've ever met. The only reason that anyone like him is because he licks everyone everyone's ass. His breath smells like shit and he is a cocky piece of fuck who can't back up his shit. He always makes complete ass out of himself. His biggest mistake was when he grabbed someone's neck and dragged him out of his room. But that's all good because he will get every little thing that's coming to him. Did I mention that he's a BURNOUT? And basically, FUCK YOU ATUL!!!!--> fuck around with anyone who I know again, and I will personally fuck you up...EAT SOME CURRY!

Well I’m graduating so I won’t be personals’ editor anymore, but my brother will be dropping off copies of the paper to keep me warm in the long, cold nights I’ll be having in my cardboard box along the highway, so you better be good little perverted college children or I’ll have to spank you. . . beckgirl

4/24/01, 2:36 AM

What s Shakin

“I like it because I cannot understand it.”

Local Jazz 4/25 The Anderson Council Harvest Moon 4/26 Cherish the Ladies State Theatre 4/27 I Know Ivan Packee s Pub 4/27 October Baby Tumulty s Pub 4/28 Smack Daddy Packee s Pub 4/28 Doro Birch Hill 5/3 Angel Dust, Nevermore, Diecast, God Forbid, Opeth Club Bene 5/4 Burt Bacharach State Theatre 5/4 In Spite Of Birch Hill 5/5 Stretch Armstrong, Most Precious Blood, This Day Forward Club Bene

4/28 Orphan Sporks Accapella Group Scott-135 @ 8:00 p.m. $3 w/id

This Wednesday witness the final Medium Meeting of the semester!

Elections will be held.

If you have written two or more articles you can run for an editorial position!

Also, all outgoing seniors will be nude!

See you Wednesday @ 9:30 p.m. LSC-113 How many farm animals and children can you find in this page?

New York, NY 4/25 G. Love & Special Sauce Roseland 4/25 The Pennies, The O, Madison Battery, Dimension Formula Brownie s 4/26 Angry Salad, Channeling Owen, The Getaway People, Jeep Mercury Lounge 4/27 Kitty in the Tree, Evelyn Forever, Pop Star Kids Luna Lounge 4/27 Bumpus, Mango Park, Pill Factory, The Flatlanders, Inevitable Break Ups, Liquefyed, Gun Metal Zen The Elbow Room 4/28 Third Man Out, Boogie Hawg, Swampadelica, Joanna Bremis, Transcendental Psychology, Last Week Lion s Den 4/28 Nada Surf, Skyrocket, Stereobate, Udet, Heroine Sheiks Bowery Ballroom 4/28 Melvins, Skeleton Key, The Folk Implosion Irving Plaza 4/29 Severe Torture CBGB s 4/29 Mary Prankster, Andy Dick & The Bitches of the Century Wetlands 4/30 They Might Be Giants, McSweeny s Magazine Bowery Ballroom 4/30 Outkast, Little T & One Track Mike, Slimm Calhoun Hammerstein Ballroom 5/1 Badly Drawn Boy Irving Plaza 5/1 Puckett, Planet Janet, Indigo, Smoke Mercury Lounge

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M e n s t r u a t i o n

Wednesday, April 25th, 2001

Since it s my last week as an editor, and I will be graduating from Rutgers soon, this page is going to be extremely self-serving and offensive because my ass is almost out of here. I have mixed feelings about leaving Rutgers, but it s definitely time to move on. First of all, a big fuck you to whoever is organizing senior week. The only thing I wanted to do was the white water rafting trip, and it s already fucking sold out. Oh, yeah I m going to swear a lot as well. Another fuck you to drivers in New Jersey. You people cannot drive for shit, and that is why your insurance rates are so high. A fuck you to the grease trucks for making their sandwiches so delicious and me so fat. Finally, a big fuck you to all but a small minority of guys at this school. You are all immature, retarded, and led around by your dick.

On a more positive note, I will miss this place and all the cool people I ve met. It s been real I m out of here. Say hi to me in my box as you re driving down the turnpike. Yes, I am still bitter.

Don t e-mail stubby103@hotmail.com.

This weekend 4/27 Rutgersfest, performers include Fuel, Jurassic 5, Jennifer Listen, Flipzyde @ 4:00-9:00 p.m. FREE!!!

Located @ Busch Campus Fields Carnival, laser tag, games, & more earlier in the day 4/28 New Jersey Folk Festival – Enjoy the 27th Anniversary with folk music concerts, craft demonstrations, talks and sales @ 10:00 a.m.-6:00 p.m. Eagleton Institute Lawn 4/28 Ag Field Day – Watch cockroach races, get close to sheep or make your own bacteria from 9:00 a.m.-4:00 p.m.

Located @ Cook Campus, Skelley Field, Blake Hall, etc.

My career at the Medium began in the winter of 1998 with a little article called Confessions of a freshman frat slut.

I ve since relinquished my title as I no longer go to frats and I m no longer a freshman.

Poetry Corner by Michelle Answers Everything we are is a product of our relationship with other people Susie has been trying for so long to have a baby I would go to school naked in February Colorless, odorless, worthless: You’re not talking to me are you?

Men express insanity everyday and are praised for it A lush is your mother, an alcoholic has a classified disease There is no light only zule You must watch your pie very closely The world is so fucked up Pornography is anything that blows your skirt up Who cares, everything is art The king of the universe is actually insecure Gases in the air raise my consciousness Yes, but why isn’t she looking at me The attic of ecstasy filled with death and my fourth grade report card Absurd questions seem to tell me the most about myself Actually, this is the first time I’ve frequented your establishment It could always get better, unless you live in New Jersey Figure it out for yourself

4/23/01, 10:56 PM