04/30/03

THE

MEDIUM

PooP

The Entertainment Weekly of Moving Back to Your Parents’ House

Volume XXXIV, Number 23

www.themedium.net

Wednesday, April 30th, 2003

EDITORIALS My Life With Medium (Monkey) Well, it’s been a year as your opinions editor.

I’ve learned a lot in this, my last year at Rutgers, mostly that my readers, both of them, only look for dirty pictures and one liners. Maybe some of you out there actually read this paper, and hopefully you enjoy what you read. You sure as hell can’t read the Targum when you go to the bathroom, that junk will straight-up constipate your ass.

This is what I want to say before I leave: Rutgers isn’t a great school. Sure, out west they think we’re an ivy, but they think that you can enhance your chi by moving your couch around. Anyone who believes Feng Shui can’t be a good judge of character. Rutgers is average, our parties are average, our sluts are average, our dining hall and campus newspaper are below average and when you will feel a sense of slightly hollow elation I can only describe as, well, average.

But in your short time here - don’t think it isn’t short, fuck-ass, it is - you can accomplish better than average things. Like that better than average band I was in, or that better than average orgy, or this better than average entertainment weekly I have been a part of.

Most of all, college is supposed to be fun. For those of you who suffer form that trendiest of plagues, ADHD, here’s a check-list: __ Woke up late for class to sound o f roommate humping.

Wednesday April 30th, 2003

“If you use a Mac, you get this free book mark.”

This was the last issue of The Medium this year… coincidentally it’s the last issue with me as God… er EiC of the paper. Instead of doing something classy, or funny I think I’ll let my last editorial be as ridiculous as the fact that you’ve seen my wang. (I don’t think that makes sense but if you eat soap then you get rid of your herpes... her peees... her peas.)

Personals In Chief: To that fuckin’ fucker… you know who you are… you’re a fuckin fucker….

Sorry I suck so much guys.

To those Autistic children I ran over with a bus… I’m sorry. Sorry that I didn’t let you life… so I could have trapped you in a circus tent and trained you to bark like seals and eat fish from each other’s anusEEEEEs. Girls: You are DUMB. If you have a vagina… insert a stick of DY-NO-MITE… speaking of dyno… anybody else a fan of Denver The Last Dinosaur? That shit ROCKED. Lily and Betty… It would be really bad if I gave you guys SARS… but I think the irony would almost make it worthwhile. …not that I wish death upon either of you… oh dear god don’t kill me.

Shizzy and Wizzy… the best thing about buttsex is the fact that the blood substitutes as a lubricant… now that you’re loose… what point is there? -canyon cracker Times in ‘nam were hard… but Jane Jetson will prevail and send us all to hell.

To the staff of the medium... fuck you... fuck you till you bleed... because that’s the way i know you like it. Don’t worry yo, i’ll be around next year... in the showers... waiting for the soap to drop again so i can love love love you some more. by:

ryan Beckman

__ Witnessed the unfolding glory of a fat woman’s genitals as she parts her legs beneath a syrup-stained Muumuu at IHOP.

my life with medium monkey Ben Schachtman

__ Experimented with the many psychotropic hallucinogens available on campus. __ Made a real connection, with a person, without using a computer. __ Sacrifice your pride.

Wait ‘till he hears what ol’ duke did this time...

Great...now Hunter S. Thompson and medium monkey are going to try and tell me all about they’re god-damn trip to Mexico...

Monkey miss Ben...

__ Gotten good and properly fucked.

If you haven’t done one of these, then you better have done something better.

Listen good, you will never ever have so many chances to behave so badly with so few consequences ever again in your life.

Unless your me, but you aren’t, so start misbehaving.

...fuck the Medium, I’m getting out of here...

And if you feel the RU screw pushing gently against one of your many unsuspecting orifices...just try to relax and breathe.

Benjamin Schachtman Average Guy & Retired Op/Eds Editor

...after this drink... ...maybe...

Page Page Page Page Page Page Page

2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Editorial Page 9 Fun Opinions Page 10 Funny Page 11 Personal Funny News Page 12 What’s Funny Shaking?

Features Serious Arts FUCK RUTGERS! WOO! Cover by: Patrick Szostak

THE

MEDIUM

CONTENTS

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor

Ryan Beckman Jim Cortina Mike Stanley Benjamin Schachtman Jim Cortina Daniel Migliore Aija McKenzie Jeff Buechner

Personals Editors Bridget Heines Bryan McKenna Photographer Elizabeth Finelli What’s Shakin’ Editor Amy Groark Online Editor Michael Wyzard Advertising Manager Ned Berke Staff Artist Ben Shockmewithlove Senior Editor Amy Groark

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is noon, Sunday. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC - Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903. Send e-love to Ryan Beck@Eden.Rutgers.Edu. Never ever look here again, because I will never write again. Here.

Wednesday, April 30th 2003

“Aequitas et Veritas.”

OPINIONS OPINIONS

Last week the Medium ran an opinion piece by Ned Berke. Due to an unfortunate technical error, the full brilliance of his article was dismembered. The following is the previously unpublished conclusion of that masterpiece diatribe An Open Letter to Tiffany (Part II) - Complete version available at www.themedium.net

By Ned Berke Tiffany follows up this fine act with what I think are the two climactic articles of this craptacular display of piss-ant journalism ever. First, she admits she’s an uneducated moron in “Embracing the Gray Area”, and then she jibber-jabbers on about the importance of asking questions in “Are We Almost There Yet?” In “Embracing…” Tiffany makes a courageous and stunning confession: she can’t choose whether to be pro or anti war. “The extensive number of variables affecting decisions of this caliber is beyond my comprehension,” she writes. I bet that’s not the only thing beyond her comprehension. But either way, I’ll give the girl credit; it IS good for people to admit when they don’t know enough about a topic to make a decision. But it is at that point that one should pick up a friggin’ book and read! Learn something you ignorant trollop! Perhaps not all the information required is out there, but when a decision of such moral magnitude as whether to be for or against bombing a country from dust to even finer dust is upon the minds of people, learn what there is and make a decision to the best of your ability – you lazy, bestial, whore-faced slacker!

And as for “Are We Almost There Yet?” all Tiffany does is make me want to kill with her comical display of what she must think is depth and insight. Here Tiffany fills my brain with searing pain – which must be my gray lump attempting to explode neuron by neuron in order to escape the horrible LeBarbera torture – as she fills the desolate waste that is The Targum with a veritable blast of what can only be described as diarrhea. It runs on and on and makes your insides hurt and just fills you with an overall feeling of bad. Anecdotes, that I am sure she believes are cute, about how she is always asking questions and is “inquisitive” flood the pages. How about this Tiff, you ask a question (one that’s actually worth answering, you babbling fool), and then do a little goddamn research on the Internet, in books, or call people up… you know, at least play journalist. Then you can write about it and have a real article – one that actually says something instead of making your readers think they’ve wandered across the pages of some pre-teen girl’s diary. A pre-teen with Down syndrome. Tiffany… I hate you.

Now, you may ask, “Ned, why do you continue to read it then? You can always put it down.” Well, I suppose I’m a bit of a masochist. What I’d like to know is why on Earth The Targum cannot find and print real and at least somewhat insightful articles by Rutgers students. On a campus of 40,000 students I find it hard to believe that they can’t find seven moderately intelligent kids to write a weekly column. In Monday’s issue of The Targum it seems they really slacked – though to the readers benefit. Instead of printing one of this illiterate buffoons “articles” they instead swiped one off of U-Wire, a Wire service run and written by college students across the country. They took not just one but two pieces for their four-article opinions section. Perhaps some of their writers will actually read it and have the mental capacity to learn a few things about how to write an editorial.

There are some people who feel as if the written word were a luxury granted to all those with the meager intellect necessary to spew forth onto the page whatever trite excrements of nonsense they can no longer contain in their dementedly manic minds. These people feel there is no consequence for attempting to pound their gross ignorance into the modern lexicon. The Medium finds itself the unlikely voice raised above the populace’s chattering indifference, a voice raised in order to tell these perpetrators of poor writing, these scheissverfassers at large amongst the unwary and unwitting volks, “You will not be tolerated. You will be exterminated.”

I Wonder If I Made Her Cry? – A Retort to a Retard

By Ned Berke Last week I wrote an open letter to Tiffany LeBarbera. In this article I bitterly criticized her and her biweekly column “Ignorance is Bliss”. Ignorance must be bliss, for Tiffany sure seems like a blissful person. Oh Tiff, if only you knew how bad you are.

I was somewhat surprised and quite elated this morning to receive a phone call from Mike Stanley, fellow Medium writer, saying that Tiffany had replied this Monday. Not only had I been replied to, but also it made the Targum’s email and online edition’s “Top Story”. Now, I was surprised that my article had gotten any notice at all, and more surprised that Tiffany found it offensive – considering that more than a third, the climactic third, of the article got cut off in production due to slacker editors (I mean that in a loving way, guys). Another reason it got cut off is our lack of Medium designated computers and efficient, expensive programs used to put a paper together – things we lack because, unlike some newspapers on campus – we don’t steal nearly $10 from every Rutgers College student per semester. Despite these obstacles, it was nice to see that, not only did my article get through, but I got a response – pulling such prominent public figures as Tiffany down to my filthy, paranoia driven levels to fling some insults.

Tiffany, I am glad you showed your mother my article. When I am sitting up at night contemplating the horrors of the world, which you are a part of, I can always be comforted by the fact your mother now knows that everyone else in the world realizes she gave birth to an incredible, ignorant waste of life. I do not know your mother’s name, but I feel compelled to call her Rosemary.

Rosemary not only gave birth to a shallow, empty headed buffoon who completely misuses and shames every conceived notion of intelligence and thought that exists, but her daughter also fails to write a compelling defense. Let us have a look at your article – a term I use very loosely in this sense: · First you deny my claim that you’re ugly and could not get laid by a frat boy. You say, “Anyone who has been to a frat party would know a three-eyed monkey could get laid there,” and “…any girl can get with a frat boy. She just has to actually want to get butt from guys willing to sleep with sheep.” So let me get this right, you’re not actually countering my claim that your ugly, but rather that a frat boy WOULD have sex with someone as ugly as you? And later in the article you point out that you have a “frat boy boyfriend.” I see, so you are admitting to be comparable to a three-eyed monkey and a sheep. You are right – I concede to this, you are ugly but not SO ugly that a frat boy would not sleep with you. Sorry for the mistake. · Next, you trite, hackneyed fool, you start blathering about revenge on me. I’m glad your friends were witty and conniving enough to come up with such insightful, well thought out revenges as “Let’s beat ‘im up.” Glad to know you surround yourself with like-minded (or empty minded) individuals. And the whole filling my RPO address with pictures of you and your “boyfriend” is truly a horrible idea. Firstly, I don’t want to see you or your dog. Secondly, that might constitute harassment – not to mention misuse of the postal system is a federal offense. Also, if you think sending me a picture would result in you with a mustache being in The Medium next week, you’re horribly mistaken. If your picture is anything like the picture in The Targum then there isn’t much I can do to make you more hideous. As a good friend of mine who asked to be called Thugs McNasty said of your picture, “That’s a face that says, ‘what do you mean I have gonorrhea?!” · “Berke chose to ridicule the person he assumes I am. He says, ‘Tiffany is one of those girls who just clings to all the people around her, and they can’t stand her.’”

Firstly, way to misquote me, moron. This was a typed quote published in a paper, how hard is it to just copy what I wrote? This statement was originally preceded by “I think…” showing that it was only character speculation based on your “work,” not necessarily what you are as an actual person. (As for who she actually is, a person who went to high school with her reportedly called her a “nasty bitch.” So it goes.) · As for your attacks on my critiquing abilities, my organizational skills, and my grammar – well, I suppose based upon what was printed you’re right. The article that was printed lacked any in depth analysis of your work. It lacked a focused development and a conclusion. It lacked a period at the end. However, as I mentioned earlier, a third of the article was cut off – mid-sentence. A third which continues to focus on the “weak themes” running through your empty articles which lack any resemblance to any notion of depth or insight. A third that had a conclusion wrapping the entire article up into a neat Spielberg-esque package. A third which had a fucking period at the end – you ignorant, dim-witted, bland, uninspiring tramp. The best argument you put up about my article is its lack of a period? How dare you, considering that your own article is warped with grammatical abortions such as, “Some thought I should I take my…” Your staff comprises of paid editors who look over your work. This is a mistake that most certainly should not have gotten through, you arid, vain, fruitless, waste of air! And where else in my article, besides the lack of a period, do you see a grammar mistake? After all, you say my “column was flooded with typos and grammatical errors,” however, after having multiple people look it over none are found!

I have to say Tiffany - you’ve done a very good job. You’ve pointed out to the public, yet again, what an intense, insipid imbecile you are. Moreover, you have made this a very easy article for me. I’d like to address a few more points, however. You point out that I must be a hypocrite by quoting my statement that The Medium has no “standards, no snobbery, no pretense” and then saying that my statement of The Targum being “failed shambling wreck” was snobby. Well, if your pea sized mind could remember something for longer than the two seconds a goldfish can, you’ll note that in the first paragraph of my article I state quite plainly, “I am a news snob.” That is not even veiled, fool! I say it right out so you can pick it up! However, I am not The Medium, nor do I represent The Medium. I can have all the snobbery and pretense I like.

You also ask why I read your columns. The answer to this was in the cut off section of my article. To quote myself, “I am a… masochist.” Moreover, I read your columns, and much of the rest of The Targum for the same reason that I know Rupert Murdoch’s life history; for the same reason I know who owns every cable network, and how they tie in to other facets of life; for the reason I know who owns major newspapers. I know these things, sweet Tiffany, because I believe in a very simple proverb: “Know thy enemy.”

Your articles, Tiff, as well as your rebuttal are literary monstrosities that are horribly executed - much like you need to be.

Love always, Ned Berke

AD AD

“I am a corporate whore! And how!”

Wednesday April 30th, 2003

Wednesday April 30th, 2003

“Please don’t gang-rape my girlfriend.”

NEWS NEWS

Bomb Saddam, for Great Profit by “A Self-hating American” Now that US forces have liberated the people of Iraq from the opressive and brutal regime of Saddam Hussein, lets give a short look at what has been gained from this conflict. Not that any of this will make 99% of the American citizens safer or richer, but hey, it’s their tax dollars at work!

However, before I begin, I’d like to get a few things outof the way: - To those who wanted to see themselves some good ol’-fashioned ragheads getting bombed, fuck you. I’m sure you think that the only good rug pilot (or camel jockey, or dune coon, or sand nigger, or whatever colourful term you invent after hours of thought) is a dead one. Nice work, fucktard. If someone disagrees with you, you don’t have to ask them “Why do you hate America so much?”

- To those who wanted to see as many US soldiers die in this conflict so it would somehow justify their otherwise morally justifiable objections to this war: You sick fuck. Get some therapy. The brave men and women in the service signed on to defend this country, not travel to an exciting foriegn land to kill the people there in a politically-motivated war.

- To those who now have developed a deep and unnatural hatred of the French because they voiced their opposition to a US-led invasion, fuck you. Freedom is not a kind of toast, shitface.

- To those companies (Kellog, Brown, and Root, a subsidiary of Haliburton, where Dick Cheney was CEO; Bechtel, where Donald Rumsfeld was CEO; and many others) who have ben profitting and will profit some more (mmm... government sponsored bombing... oooh... government sponsored reconstruction...) I hope you get sick from some bad foie gras and choke on your own vomit. Way to profit from war at taxpayer expense! It’s even better than that, because corporations like these usually don’t pay taxes.

- To Saddam Hussein: Thanks for being the perfect target. A paranoid, ruthless, psycopathic dictator of the highest quality. Thanks for building up an oppressive regime so that George W. Bush could have someone to attack. Personally, I hope you are still alive, buried under 20 tons of rubble, with camel spiders chewing on your gonads. Have a nice day, asshole. (Actually, I would have much rather had a targetted assasination attempt done a number of years ago, but the CIA doesn’t do that anymore.)

- “But tell us how you really feel!” Even though this is The Medium, ostensibly designed to piss off anyone rational and sane, I’m sure it has its limits, too. I guess I hate everyone else, too, just because I like the equal-opportunity of it.

Let’s see what is behind door number 1...

Oil - The idea to make an oil pipeline from Iraq through Jordan goes back to at least 1983, when Donald Rumsfeld (then of Bechtel) went in person to Iraq to meet with Saddam Hussein and Allah-Bear, discuss the plan.

While the Iraqi system is starcraft!” in pretty sad “Hey, I scored a direct hit onoil their infidel shape, most of the speculation is done already, so an investment of a few billion dollars (possibly aided by government rebuilding contracts) could start turning a profit in as little as 3-5 years, with fully modern production levels in 8-10. More money for the oil interests, who didn’t have to do any speculation. If you’re Rupert Murdoch (head of News Corp, which owns Fox News), it’s OK to say that war is good because as a result we might get cheaper oil and it might help the economy as a result (Reported about Feb 11, 2003 in many sources). If you aren’t a rich person and you say the war is about oil, then you’re just a whining commie liberal. Gotta love the media...

For more on oil and politics, find the document “Crude Vision: How Oil Interests Obscured US Government Focus On Chemical Weapons Use by Saddam Hussein” put out by The Institute for Policy Studies. At the very least, it highlights some very interesting connections among people who are now in high-level government positions.

Water - Iraq isn’t the home to a thousands-of-years-old civilization for nothing. The water from the Tigris and Euphrates rivers might be even more important than the oil, which would require comparatively massive capital investment to get functional. The water is there already, as well as a relatively modern distribution network. The main customers would be the Iraqi people themselves (how is that for good business and bad ethics? Take what belongs to someone and then charge them money to get it back!) but Israel would also be a prime candidate to have water shipped to them. Recently, a dam project in Lebanon that would have reduced the flow of a river that supplies Israel by 10% elevated tensions between the two countries to a point that could have easily resulted in a war. You don’t fuck around with water in the Middle East.

Land - While the land isn’t much by itself, it is much easier to build a pipeline when you don’t have to bargain with the owner. This ties in with all the other points, but the land itself isn’t that spectacular. Along with the resources that are on and in the land, it allows for free movement of troops, supplies, and equipment. It is very difficult to build any facility or base if you don’t control the land. Then again, a good round of bombing usually solves that problem.

Our meeting is tonight at 9:30 in LSC 109. Be there, especially if you’ve been published at least once this semester. “Why?” You ask. “Because.” I’ll answer. “Because then you can vote for the Fall 2003 Editors!”

And keep your fucking articles to yourself.

White Humor By Brian Tarus

Land - While the land isn’t much by itself, it is much easier to build a pipeline when you don’t have to bargain with the owner. This ties in with all the other points, but the land itself isn’t that spectacular. Along with the resources that are on and in the land, it allows for free movement of troops, supplies, and equipment. It is very difficult to build any facility or base if you don’t control the land. Then again, a good round of bombing usually solves that problem.

Contracts - Ah, the glorious slop trough of government contracts... It’s good that President Bush appointed so many CEOs to his cabinet, otherwise the bidding process for these rebuilding contracts could have been awarded based on merits, and we all know what a waste of time and money that would have been! There have been transportation infrastructure, water, and oil contracts awarded already, I’m waiting for the first Starbucks franchise to go up, so the Iraqis can have a taste of Corporate Coffe, instead of that stuff native to the region that they have been drinking for centuries. I think they’ll get a nice healthy McDonald’s before that, though.

Control - Perhaps this is the most important, because it enables all the others to be sustained. After installing various US-friendly puppets to head Iraq, they can exert control over all the above items, and make sure no one decides to start an uprising or anything silly like that. The sad thing is that many of the people that are going to be running the Iraqi government fall into three main categories: Military commanders, Iraqi expatriates, and members of the previous Saddam-run government. I guess after the US gets all the chemical and biological scientists back safely working in government labs, the Iraqi politicians and generals may as well run the country, as long as they follow orders. The establishment of military bases inside Iraq will allow the US to force-project across the entire region, making it easy to pressure say, Syria, or Iran, or Lebanon, or Saudi Arabia into playing nice.

Don’t expect any of this to directly benefit or even affect the average American, other than to keep them distracted by pretty bombs and an easily-hated enemy. The short story is this: US citizens pay taxes, which go to fund military, which is used to bomb the living bejeepers out of Iraq, which then creates a need for corporations to rebuild, and the taxpayers pay for that, too. End result: Huge funnel taking hard-earned money from everyone and giving it to a very small number of businesses, many of whom are based in other countries, so they don’t even have the expectation to pay taxes. The joys of a capitalist system, where *everything* is available for a price (I hear there’s a special on politicians this year).

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain...

Busch to Secede from the United States By: Henry Rarisan In a move that was a long time coming, officials at Busch Campus of Rutgers University have seceded from The United States and are petitioning to be recognized as a part of China. The predominantly Asian adjunct of Rutgers University has been a hotbed of pro-Asian sentiments for many years.

"We are tired of being the minority in this country, so we are joining one where we are the majority."

In response to this overt move of defiance, President Bush declared that Busch campus was developing weapons of mass destruction and had several training grounds for terrorists. "Busch campus is full of terrorists, what do you think they are building at that ‘school of engineering’? Bombs, and little Asian terrorists.” declared Donald Rumsfeld. Satellite photos of Busch campus have provided no conclusive evidence, but those Asians are sneaky.

"Bush" planned a preemptive strike against the wayward campus in order to "liberate" the non-Asian students held under the tyrannical rule of the "Other" people. His coalition to get them slanty-eyed folk will commence military action later on this month.

Already Madagascar and Canada have contributed 3 troops to the effort. "The CSEF will triumph over all that oppose us, and we will not stop until we kill all them gook bastards," An irate Colin Powell said, "this coalition will only be quenched when American troops walk freely on the streets of Busch Campus.

GMG

“Close your eyes...It’ll be over soon.”

A Word from Dan Migliore, GMG/Features Editor So here you hold it...the last issue of The Medium for the semester. Try to hold back your tears. But fear not, because Jesus/ Allah/Buddha willing, I, Dan Migliore, will be back next semester. I know you’ll miss me, Dan Migliore, but don’t worry, you can relive those wonderful issues that have made you laugh/vomit at www.themedium.net. And if you’re in trouble, just remember, you can always place a call to the right people.

Some asshole wrote a poem about that once, but it wasn’t me, Dan Migliore. So in closing, I’d just like to take this oppurtunity to thank you for reading, and to point out, once again, that I, Dan Migliore, am the most shameless self-promoter ever. Dan Migliore Dan Migliore Dan Migliore.

That Smells Like Your Mom By: Cum Laude ’69 Those five words single handedly got me booted out of my house/frat/dorm/school. I don’t know why those words are so offensive.

Maybe it was in the context that I used them... like when I was in the back of my car giving this girl some much need lovin, and I suddenly blurted out those magic words. Pretty soon, I found myself with blue balls and a pissed off girl spreading rumors that I cum after 5 seconds, which is not true...anymore... So I thought people would get my sense of humor where I work. I happen to work for a sanitation company down by Bayonne. So one day, this old man is putting his trash on the curb, when we pull up, I take a whiff of his trash and yell those words, and he proceeds to fire a shot gun shell at me yelling something about someone being dead and me having to respect. I didn’t pay much heed to that. So after the incident I was fired and I decided I would do the only thing I could do, go to college with all the money I had earned. Well they certainly did not get my humor there. From the Femi-nazis on an all-female campus to the blacks and asians over at another, I could not get anyone to laugh at my funny phrase. A most extreme case of those humorly challenged people were some frat guys at a party I was at. There was a huge pile of puke in one corner and a drunken frat guy was hunched over it. So, I snuck up behind him and shoved his face into the puke, and yelled, “That smells like your mom!!!” I laughed so hard and then I blacked out and woke up with a really sore ass and a ball gag in my mouth.

Frats are really weird.

So, no one gets my humor.

Maybe I’ll try that line on my mom.

Random Haiku By: Cheezi With my crispy timbs And fat ENYCE outfit iIm gangsta supreme

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

Undergrads are IDIOTS, pt. 2 By: The Evil T.A. Hey, dumbshits, I’m back again.

I would have written sooner but your stupid homework needs grading.

And if you all weren’t such buffoons, I wouldn’t have to spend so much time grading.

But I’ve got time now for one more column this year and I can give you a couple more tips to keep you from getting your shit fucked up by myself and my colleagues (that means ‘other T.A.’s,’ fools).

First off, after you get your grades in May and see you’ve failed these classes you didn’t do the homework and didn’t show up for, DON’T GO CRYING TO MOMMY. I know it may have worked well in high school, gymnastics, little league, etc., but that shit don’t fly on this level. It’s time you grow up and take responsibility for your stupidity and not whine to mommy and daddy when you get into trouble.

But if you do sic them on me or another T.A., it’s going to be fun.

They’ll get me on the phone and complain, complain, complain and then I’ll tell them that I’m actually not allowed to discuss your grades with them.

It’s the flippin’ law, kids, and it’s really fun when I tell your parents about it and they just boil over.

Second of all, why don’t you do the fucking reading once in a while? It’s assigned for a reason and you should know how to read if you’re here. Or is that asking too much?

You can talk all you want about how T.A.’s don’t act like they want to be teaching.

Maybe it’s partially true, but why don’t YOU stand in front of 30 brats with a zombie glaze across their face, a glaze that says “duuuuuuuhhhhh... tell me what I need to know for the test... duuuuuuhhh” and YOU get inspired to teach.

I think that will do it for now, I have to get started on putting a Final Exam together.

For those of you who are graduating this year, good luck finding a job (suckers!).

For those who didn’t graduate because you failed some classes, you probably didn’t belong in college in the first place. For those of you going to grad school, what the fuck are you thinking?

You had all semester to submit. You had all semester to come to a Medium Meeting. But you missed your chance. No more time, no more issues. Game over, man. You lose. But that leaves you plenty of time this summer to get creative. And you had better get creative.

‘Cause next semester, I’ma make you write about your summer vacation. And it had better be good, goddamnit.

The Medium The daily paper of University of New Jersey since 2015. www.themedium.net

Volume LXIV Issue 6 RELIGION Christ’s second coming, overrated?

NATION AT WAR US declairs war with moon

U. Introduces new thumb swipe Technology

Wednesday, October 26th, 2033

NEWS Comedy paper spoofs Back to the Future II

HEALTH Studies show Easy Mac to cause Full Blown Aids (FBA)

Monorail crashes into Dorm

By: Michael Stanley III S TAFF W RITER

Yesterday at a meeting in the Francis Lawrence memorial building, UNJ King James McGreevey announced that University of New Jersey would implement new technology that scanned students in my their finger prints, rather then Student IDs or swipe cards.

The New Technology is expected to cost the university over $200 million dollars, when asked for a comment King McGreevey said “Two-hundred million dollars, bah! If only the press knew about the quarter mill I bet on our football team to lose against the Piscataway High School Football team.” After this, our holiness called a student employee into his office and played a game he called “balls on chin”.

For once students haven’t seemed to care about this expensive technology since the tuition is scheduled to rise again to a $45,000 for in-state tuition and a whopping $69,311 for out-of state students.

The twenty out of state students were called for a comment but they didn’t retuns calls to The Medium. King McGreevey plans to have this new system in place by the spring 2034 semester, which really means fall 2035.

Photo by: A. Dobe

Hover cars still not available

Route 18 Constuction nearing finish By: Michael Stanley III S TAFF W RITER

by: Dan Migliore Jr. S TAFF W RITER

After more then thirty years of construction, At the close of the 2033 Detroit Auto Show, many auto enthusiasts were disappointed to find that hovering delays, and discovery of buried treasures the Route 18 extension is nearing its finish.

cars, or “hover cars” were still not showcased. Once promised for the year 2000, hover cars have yet to make an appearance in the showrooms of automobile dealerships. But the demand for hover cars is strong and unyielding. A representative of Ford Motor Co. reported receiving approximately 30 million letters over the past A student commented, “Really, I had no idea it 3 years requesting the release of a hover car. However, the CEO of FoMoCo issued a statement saying that the was a project that had an end. When my father representative who issued the former statement was in fact a drunken college intern, who was fired for issuing Martin W. Babitz Esquire came here, he told the statement that the CEO’s statement referred to. This reporter recently tried to contact other car companies, me how it started, I never thought it would such as Subaru, Honda, and Toyota. This is a sample of what transpired over these phone calls. end. Another student, Chris DeSarno Jr. commented, “I don’t really care, UNJ sucks”. Dan Migliore Jr.: Hello, I’m Dan Migliore, GMG/Features Editor for The Medium, a University of NJ Many students are upset with the status of newspaper. I was wondering if you would comment on the absence of hover cars from the Detroit Auto Show? constant construction at the university.

Car Company: *click* Professor Troy Crowder commented, “leave me alone, I only wrote like twice for that As you can see, auto manufacturers are tight-lipped about the development of their hover cars, and are unwilling scatological rag. Stop following me!” to ruin the surprise in store for us at upcoming auto shows.

Wednesday, October 26th, 2033

News

“It’s LEAVE, you idiot! ‘Make like a tree, and leave.’

You sound like a damn fool when you say it wrong.”

Freeze-Dried Joy, No Mess! Satisfaction Guaranteed.

By: Chandra J S TAFF W RITER

I saw something squirming under the light in a fluid-filled latex bag. It scared me a little. I started wondering whether or not I made the right decision. I’m wearing like the cutest dress today; I’m going to look so amazing in the pictures.

That’s what my mother wrote in her diary the day I was born. It’s no wonder I’m a 30-year-old impotent mess. There are a lot of 30 something year old messes out there, they didn’t know what they were doing in 2033.

2033. That was the year that people were allowed to purchase the Orthow Create-A-Fetus kit. Couldn’t they have thought of a better name? How about the Do-it-Yourself-Fertilization and Gestation Fun Pack? Well, I thought it sounded great, guaranteed to bring a smile. It involves something that looks like a latex glove, powdered amniotic fluid mix and a straw-like umbilical cord thing.

Not really too sure of the details, they took it off the market once they realized what it did to people. Cut on the dotted line.

has made the printing of The Medium possible by selfishly tacking on $12.75 onto your term bill each semester. The Medium is a student run and student organized paper with a circulation of 1.5 million. It is also a paper that spoofed the Back to the Future Trilogy with this “Future Issue”. The Medium also does not claim responsibility for what is printed because lets face it, regular news is boring, why not spice it up a little bit?

Horny 15 year old bitches like my mother thought that they were in love, and decided ‘hey! Let’s have a fucking baby. Since we’re going to be together forever’. Boyfriends getting it for their girlfriends as a present. Playing house became a reality, and now I pay the price.

My idiot father Bruce, whom I was named after tied the bag too small, my face permanently looks as if I’m wearing a nylon hose. Imagine that. I bring shame to families of those who lay eyes on me. Little bundle of joy, isn’t that cute.

They said, must be 18 or older to buy this kit. Who the fuck checked! I still say I looked like my mother, and she was Miss. Popularity, captain of the cheerleading squad, and her cunt juice is still moist on half the football, soccer and chess teams.

Stupid cunt was too embarrassed to bring me anywhere.

The bitch dumped Bruce of course, he was caught making out with the captain of the field hockey team in the girls room. He had a thing for girls with titles, a man of standards you see. But before that he tried to give me a dissolving liquid, which wasn’t available in stores back then. It’s the stuff used to dissolve landfills, garbage just disappeared without a trace. Well isn’t that great. Well, the label ‘unsafe for human consumption’ with the little picture of a skull just told people ‘you know what, why don’t you just fucking kill someone with me!?’

Disappearing without a trace, doing the job right. Dumb-asses.

Bruce was caught as he was giving it to me, but I’m still missing half my mouth, and the tip of my tongue. I can’t taste anything sweet anymore, story of my life. I don’t even remember when I could. I’d rather he have used a funnel, I probably wasn’t worth one from his collection.

Man Claiming To be Jesus Actually Was Jesus, Police say, “Oops…”

By: Albert Coholic

Last year, a man began a worldwide trek to gain followers, claiming to be the second incarnation of Jesus Christ. Most people were put off by the fact that the Hispanic man, Jesús Christ, was, well, Hispanic. Christ bought the Spahn Ranch, former home of the Manson Family, and began to move his followers there. But police became suspicious when a man named Jude reported that the group had begun stockpiling weapons.

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth. Doctors said they could fix me, all this laser shit they have now can work miracles. I think I’d rather walk around as the marvel of modern fucking miracles. Mistakes. There aren’t too many others like me. They generally switch off by putting their heads in the oven, jumping off Police raided the ranch, but the compound proved of a building, or shooting themselves. My hands are too fucked up to use a gun, impenetrable. From a loudspeaker, Christ reported that he was here heights give me the eebie geebies, and, well, I can’t even chew off my own tongue. only to bring love and peace to the world, but when he appeared at a window, police mistook a Frisbee for a gun, and shot him to death.

What I wouldn’t give to enjoy a Juicy Fruit? Have an erection. I kissed my grandma once. A tongue felt funny in my mouth, and I didn’t think it was fair that women have two mouths and men have one. Was it always that way? She said that I was a punishment from God, but that ‘unique’, I believe was the word she used, face I have can perform multiple miracles. We all have our purpose don’t we?

It has been reported this week that the man actually was the second incarnation of Jesus Christ, as DNA samples were matched from the body of Jesús to the Shroud of Turin. Followers of the religion claim that humanity is now doomed to pestilence and a plague that is reported to be even worse then the SARS epidemic that claimed the lives of 53 million people in late 2004.

Music News By: The Volcano Worshipper’s Nephew S TAFF MUSIC C RITIC Ace Of Base has finally been inducted into the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall Of Fame this past week. The Swedish band, who had previously had two hit singles in the 1990s and then disappeared, had a massive comeback about 5 years ago, and is now the most successful Swedish musical act ever. The band has also succeeded the Swedish throne, and is set to rule Sweden for the rest of their lives.

In other Hall Of Fame news, an all star jam featuring several of the world’s leading teen pop stars paid tribute to the deceased recent inductees, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. Spears had died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound a few years earlier, and Aguilera had died of a countless number of sexually transmitted diseases back in 2004. Both will greatly be missed, as their contributions to the music industry (musical and otherwise) will be missed.

Also recent inductees: breakcore superstar Venetian Snares, hip-hop pioneer Missy Elliott, humorous indie-rock songwriter Sane, and rock group 311.

“Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Huh? Think, McFly! Think! Your old man, Mr. Loser?”

News

Pizza Delivery Boy Discovered In Abandoned Laboratory By: The Volcano Worshipper’s Nephew S TAFF S LACK-ASS Recently, a pizza delivery boy was found cryogenically frozen in a laboratory in New York City, by a team of detectives. Evidence suggests that the boy, named Phillip J. Fry, was called to deliver pizza to this laboratory sometime in late 1999/early 2000, but was captured and put into a cryogenic time capsule and set to be released in the year 3000. No scientists or anything could be found to offer commentary or explain why this was, so the detectives that found the boy assumed that it was just some scientific experiment or something and that they should just leave it alone to wake up in the year 2000. They said he looked like a dork anyway, and he probably didn’t have much of a life and wasn’t worth saving anyway.

Wednesday, October 26th, 2033

United States declares war with moon; Citizens ask “why?”

Michael Jackson Turns Clear By: Dan “The Man” The “King of Pop” made a stunning announcement today, telling the world that due to his constant skin bleaching, his skin has actually turned transparent. Jackson claims that the transformation happened over the course of three weeks. Rumor has it that Jackson will be dropped from his label, because looking at him is just plain disturbing. Well, at least more disturbing then it used to be. Most people may remember in 2008 when Jackson’s nose fell off, but this, according to his publicist, is much, much worse. This journalist would like to take this opportunity to say, “Well, duh!”

Doctors have been unable to find any scientific cause for the skin change, but a doctor at Cedars-Sinai Hospital claimed that there was, in fact, a scientific reason for the transformation, however, he did not know exactly what it was called, though tests are being run. Jackson is currently in Cedars-Sinai hospital’s Psychiatric ward on suicide watch. Bubbles was not available for comment at press time.

Kraft Easy-Mac Gave Students “The Blues,” AIDS By “Pink Eyed” Jim Cortina III

In the days of our parents’ college education, a product called “Easy Mac,” (Though by today’s culinary standards hardly easy, you actually had to Microwave it, how archaic.) was a staple late night munchie and dining hall slop substitute. It was a Mac n’ Cheese-like product loaded with sodium and dehydrated fat particles. This product was made by Kraft, a now defunct company owned by Altria (nee Phillip Morris) (but what else is new, Altria owns everything these days). Millions of pounds of the stuff were consumed each semester here at The University of New Jersey (nee Rutgers University) alone.

A study, made public Tuesday, says that, while tracking a group of fifty people who used to eat Easy-Mac, it was found that 98% of the group developed full-blown AIDS, out of the “Blue(s).”

AIDS, the disease currently known as Girl-that-nearly-fucked-mycousin’s Syndrome (GNFCS), normally has a dormant period, which it spends as the Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV). This period can last up to several years before the AIDS begins attacking every aspect of one’s immune system.

None of the test subjects actually had HIV prior to nearly simultaneously contracting Full-Blown Girl-that-nearly-fucked-my-cousin’s Syndrome (FBGNFCS, pronounced “fubuginfics”), an aspect that still baffles researchers.

“Vee chust don’t know how ziss kuld happen,” Stated researcher Heinrich Ullenburger, “Von day zey vas fine, zee next day zey all had fubuginfics.”

A spokesperson for Altria would only say “Some women would prefer to have smaller babies.” Before diving into a black Mercedes XV2033, never to be seen again. Call to Altria offices yielded only a recording saying “Yes we’re still paying umpteen billion dollars a year in Tobacco Settlement payments, thank you for calling us, but no one is here as we have all been laid off due to lack of funds.” Strange indeed.

A. Beezer Test Tube Baby Staff Experiment

“ Stupid moon”, these were President George I. Bush XXIV’s words as he was leaving a press conference in Hoboken NJ. Two striker planes have engaged the northern sector of the moon. As you may or may not know, this is the sector of the moon the French have claimed as their own. When the President was asked if that had anything to do with the attempted assassination of his father, Bush XXIII, he declined answer. The reasons he did give are as entertaining as they are serious.

Apparently, new studies indicate that the moon is actually a dingle berry dating back to dinosaur ages. The exact type of dinosaur is unknown to date. The President feels, and with good reason that is degrading to the entire planet W. Planet W, which was renamed after the late President George W. Bush used military tactics to sink all other land forms except the North America and force everyone that didn’t want to die to live in South America and roll cigars. Everyone that is except the Chinese and French, The Chinese because they suck, and the French cause I don’t like them, and I refuse to let this get off easy. I mean, because they stink. The Chinese sunk like a wonton, and the French moved to the moon, with no air, there is no stench! At any rate, war plans indicate that the ass hair that the moon is hanging on to originates in the Arctic somewhere.

Strikes on the moon are a diversion while the ass hair is disposed off, either letting the moon float away, or crash down. Soon, we will be dingle berry free in the year 2033! O yeah, and due to the release of the moon, massive floods and such will kill us all. CHEESE!

The Medium Better then the Targum since your parents were here getting STDs* . Chances are, you were conceived while your parents went here.

(Back in 1998 they were called STDs, now they are known as STIs.)

News

“What do we becomes assholes or something?”

waste of space corner... your mom lives here... OH no i DIDN’T!

Wednesday, October 26th, 2033

Worst News EVER The Medium has fallen upon some hard times. Former Op/Eds. editor Benjamin “Shake them till they don’t cry no more” Schachtman came to his untimely demise at the age of 51. He was plucked from our bosom 30 years ago when he graduated, but now… he’s gone forever.

The unfortunate ending came in the most enjoyable of places… The National Dead Baby Museum and Brothel (established May 3rd 2016).

Ben was on one of his frequent trips to “consult with his clients” when he had a bit of a problem with fire.

While observing the “Dead Babies throughout History” exhibit, Ben noticed a Neanderthal baby that looked cold… so he lit a fire for it.

But, soon the fire was consuming more dead babies than all of China.

Ben, being the man of action that he was, decided to put an end to the flames… so he grabbed the new Acmetron 3000 Fire Extinguisher, aimed at the base of the flames and shot his load. Unfortunately Acmetron chose this model to test out their new “extinguisher”, which uses chemicals that enhance the fire. The theory is that the fire will burn everything faster and cause “less of a hubbub”.

As it turns out they were right… everything burned faster… including Ben. …we’ll miss you… and the thousands of dead babies you died trying to save.

www.themedium.net Come to the last meeting of the year....

Livingston Space Student Center in Space room 109 at space 9:30... be there or be space square... kill me. www.themedium.net

The Second Coming is Overrated

By Blah Sphemer Ok… the original Jesus kicked ass. Healing with his bare hands. Walking on water. Water to wine stuff.

Coming back to life after dying. Starting a massive revolution. Martyring himself for the sins of humanity. I think it’s safe to say Jesus was the man.

Johnson & Johnson Bites The Dust By: Mephistopheles

However, Eve Christ, of the foretold Second Coming of Christ, is a massive let down. I mean, she has yet to do anything cool, except to be borne of no father. But that’s all because of science. When Clonaid™ first cloned Eve in 2002 she was the first ever-cloned child and Christ reborn. However, now cloning and genetic modification is all the rage. So big whoop, the Christ reborn was a trendsetter… not necessarily of Biblical or legendary value though.

Not quite “child of God material” if ya’ know what I mean.

The last week has seen a riveting turn of events for Rutgers students and faculty. Over the last century we have gotten used to the evil domain of Johnson & Johnson and after a while, we came to see it not so much as an overbearing occupation, but a kind and gentle Big Brother figure that watches over us while we sleep.

It has been explained in a $ 5 billion Rutgers study as a case of the famous Stockholm Syndrome and thus came to be accepted as a normal part of our everyday lives. As of April 28th, 2033, it is no more. We have been subject to a hostile takeover by the evil Newscorp Corporation. Known as a malevolent world power and leading manufacturer of everything, they have finally sunk their claws into the establishment that was known as the last free city in America. It has been a bloody and needlessly violent conquest, with many civilian casualties. A neutron bomb has been dropped on Douglass to make sure that no one will venture there ever again, but this was written off as an acceptable casualty since only a bunch of militant lesbians, This “Second Coming” nonsense is like a shitty movie sheep lovers from Cook, and homeless crack heads that continued to inhabit new Brunswick have been sequel. Moreover, it’s one of the ones that are to- killed. tally built up like it’s going to be awesome, and then it sucks. Kind of like the Matrix sequels, only without There are many changes that will be taking place in the new establishment. First and foremost, the college all the special effects that liven it up. I mean, for will henceforth be known as Rupert Murdoch’s Bitch University, and the beloved Knight mascot will be thousands of years now they’ve been telling us all replaced with Murphy The Wily Fox (clarification: Newscorp owns Fox, you ignorant fucks). All black about this awesome guy, Jesus, and that one day when students will be automatically expelled and sent to the WB University in Pennsylvania, where they will be the world needs him most, he will be reborn. And forced to live in segregated communities and act out racial stereotypes for the pleasure of the white people. here comes this timid waste, Eve, not doing anything There will also be an extensive cleansing procedure to weed out the Jews, they however will not be spared but talking about stuff like “Be good to your neigh- and shall proceed straight to the ovens where their fat will be rendered and turned into a source of fuel for the bor” and “Don’t watch Fox News.” I mean, where rest of the university. The representatives of the Coca-Cola Empire that ruled the city from behind the are the friggin’ special effects, man? Blow something scenes were murdered upon their discovery in their secret headquarters below Au Bon Pain. Their bodies up; change something lame into something cool; die were impaled on university flags and put on display as a harsh yet very effective maneuver by the military in a horribly bloody way, then kill Satan, drag his commanders at Newscorp to discourage rebellion. Coca Cola will no longer be served in this city but body up to earth, and kill him again! Eve Christ of instead will be replaced by Hash Juice Inc., the choice beverage of the students and one of today’s most the Second Coming, I beg of you on behalf of all rapidly growing companies. After a quick trial, all the executives and workers of Johnson & Johnson were indicted, sentenced and executed by gladiator fights to the death, which will be televised on none other then humanity, stop being so lame!

Fox network in the next few weeks. (Interestingly enough, this new reality series is the highest rated show of all time. Perhaps it is a sign of the Apocalypse, perhaps the natural course of life for all civilizations.) Other then a few other minor changes, life at Rupert Murdoch’s Bitch University will proceed as usual, since everyone here is used to being oppressed anyway.

On a sadder side note, Michael Stanley, long-standing editor of The Medium, successful beekeeper, and Underwater Basket Weaving champion has died suddenly last night. In the words of the county coroner: “You just can’t have doggy - style sex while wearing a jet pack. Why can’t you people understand that? It’s so damn simple! Dear God give me strength!” Rest in peace Mike Stanley, you will be missed.

time flows like the smooth ripple of my soft supple nipple

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

“I want to see a forklift lift a crate of forks; it’d be so damn literal.”

Poetry Time With Alexander the Poet “Vaginal Yeast Infection” If your pussy feels nasty, Give it a good inspection Cause then you may surely see, Vaginal yeast infection Your pussy becomes a mess, It infects, much of your clit For I can pretty much guess, It probably feels like shit The yeast may begin to rise, And you may notice, some puss I feel it would be most wise, To forget, cunnilingus But with time, it will be gone And your pussy will feel great Vaginal yeast infection, From you, it will dissipate!

Free-Form Poetry Brought to you by the Drunken Mob I slid an entire 40 bottle up my ass I felt so alive and liberated You’re gross and fat, Merry Christmas Fat stupid people Al Gore’s head = vagina Girls vomiting Jesus fucking Christ So much shit All the boobs I don’t know Rule: Only comical pornography Rotten.com’s fuck of the month This makes no sense That is what you get when you shove a bottle up your asshole Eye Exploding Shit project We’re almost out of space Legally allowed Billy’s balloon Wrists or ankles The balloons attach Stick figures I gotta finish it Did you see my quote in the thing?

A film with a fish stick bleeding out of his rear end Stop screaming My anus is bleeding My spoon if too big I’m feeling fat and sassy Big growth I live in a bucket Down by the river I owe you a dollar I think I’m going to eat some…food Stephen Lynch’s show I was really cranking it Crunch n Munch

Features

How to Have Fun In Restaurants Now that you all know how to be annoying, it’s time you learned how to have fun at different places. Here’s how to have fun at a restaurant. And for an extra fun time, be annoying and have fun at the same time! Double your fun!

1. Talk to your coat when you leave it at coat check. Tell it to behave this time.

2. After being seated, remove your shoes and place them on the table.

3. Bring an inflatable date.

4. When ordering steak, ask that it be cooked in the fires of eternal hell.

5. Attempt to trade food with people at another table.

6. When the waiter/waitress describes the soup of the day, shake you head and say, “That sounds too wet for me.”

7. Talk only to your waiter/waitress’s pants.

8. Ask your waiter/waitress what they charge for a lap dance.

9. Inform them of what you charge for a lap dance.

10. Make allusions to the fact that you are in the mob. Tell your waitress that you “do not wish to be dissappointed with this meal.”

11. Offer to buy the children of the people at the table next to you.

12. Stare at your drink until the waiter/waitress asks you if there is a problem. Respond with “I’m still looking.”

13. Attempt to pay with a drawing or autograph, claiming it will one day be worth millions.

Haikus By Cheezi I love alcohol thursday until sunday night they call me Beerman I used to be gay Now I have a lot more friends Too bad I have aids Oh buttsex tattoo i love to look down at you and plug all her holes Professor wants cock I guess i’ll give it to her Hope i get an A As i touch your face And i eat all your chicken I act like a freak My haikus are done Next semester will have more I bet you can’t wait

Arts Arts

“What are those, sausages?”

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

Band on the Run:

Maybe God Isn’t Such A Gay

by Johnny Thirdworld Hey, I was nerdin’ the other day and found something that leads me to believe that either God isn’t such a flamer, or Satan’s been up to some FINE work lately! I’m talking about; <http://www.i-mockery.com/romhacks/default.asp> Holy fuck. Ok, it’s Nintendo games changed by a bunch of fuckin’ nerds, but what a useful bunch of nerds. Who can’t help but smile while playing Super KKK Brothers or Wilford Kong. The joy watching my children (whenever I stop forcing abortions on my wife) play games like Blackman 2 and CokeMan : Junkie will be almost unbearable. If you do anything in your dumb life make it play this and thank the fucks who made them, they are fucking genius. JReb All-Stars material if I ever heard of it!

(God’s not a gay. He never was. If God were gay, I think gay guys would have it alot easier in life. There wouldn’t be any homophobic discrimination/violence, and the anus would secrete its own natural lubrication (besides poo). Jesus, we’re only kidding. - Arts) Hey, Jackass.

You missed the chance to send your submissions to shorty_fat_fat@yahoo.com.

Come to a Medium meeting.

LSC 109, 9:30 PM. Whore.

Music Review:

Liam Lynch: “Fake Songs”

by the Volcano Worshipper I haven’t even heard all of this CD yet (I’ll probably get it this weekend) but since this is the last issue of the semester, I felt the need to tell everyone that they need to get it, because it’s most certainly one of the greatest albums of the year based on what I have heard from it. See, Liam Lynch was Olly from the Sifl & Olly show, which is undoubtedly one of the most brilliant and criminally underrated television shows ever.

The fact that MTV canned it after 2 seasons goes a long way in explaining why I didn’t buy a TV when I moved here to NJ. Somehow, one of S&O’s best-loved songs, “United States Of Whatever”, has become a freak hit, cracking the British top 10 and earning some well-deserved American airplay as well.

So finally, one of Liam Lynch’s solo albums (he has a few, by the way, available on www.sifl-n-olly.com) has been revamped and reissued, thanks to Ringo Starr, of all people. Starr actually plays drums on two tracks on this album! Among other tracks on this album are his scarily dead-on impressions of Bjork and David Bowie (seriously, I’m still having a hard time believing that these aren’t actually Bjork or David Bowie), among others, and a song with Jack Black, and “I’m All Bloody Inside” which originally appeared on the fan-assembled S&O tribute album that I had two songs on!!! Plus there’s a DVD that comes with the first pressing of the album, so you need to get it now!!! I’m going to buy it this weekend, and so are you!!! ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m so glad you’re dead and I can eat my breakfast in peace, i fucking hated how retarded you are.

come on, time to throw that retarded corpse into the bay.

True Stories of a drunken Karaoke Band Featuring the one and only Steve Nips: Pienip, Jewnip, Buttnip, Homonip (there in spirit), Punanip, Woognip, Micknip, Pumpernipple, and me, Assnip.

Venue: Parking Lot of the Bay Willows Inn, RI Song: R. Kelly’s Ignition Remix An Impromptu performance in a hotel parking lot in Rhode Island leaves us wanting more and more from these crazy crooners, these piss-drunk princesses.

Punanip pulls her car into the lot and turns on one of our all-time favorites, R. Kelly’s Ignition remix. Backed up by a host of RWRFC girls, we performed this song like no other to an audience of confused rugby guys and a shitload of empty beercans. Just proves the point that you don’t need a karaoke bar (or any real venue at all) to do karaoke like only Stevie Nips can. ***loving farewell to the soon-graduating Pienip, Pumpernipple, and Woognip - Arts***

It’s definitely been real, kids. Thanks for letting me do what I like to do best: say what’s on (real) girls’ minds. As my parting gesture, I wanna tell all girls to just BE REAL, do what the fuck you want, and say what the hell you feel! Allow me to show my Douglass roots for a second: “Some people wear their heart up on their sleeve, I wear mine underneath my right pant leg, strapped to my boot.

Don’t think cause I’m easy, I’m naive.

Don’t think I won’t pull it out, don’t think I won’t shoot...”

-Ani Difranco

Ghost Ship: A Review or Wow, That Wasted Part of my Life I Will Never Get Back byArts Let me start off by saying that the only reason I even saw this movie is because I was on a 6hour bus ride home from Rhode Island and I’d run out of beer to drink. I don’t know if this movie was even supposed to be funny; sadly I think it was intended to be a bonafide thriller.

For some reason, Juliana Margulies agreed to do this movie, spitting in the face of all the people that enjoyed her acting on ER. She’s great, but even she couldn’t bring this movie out of hell.

Since it actually pains me to rehash the movie itself, I’ll give the review in a few quick spurts.

Watch the first scene with all the blood, that’s awesome. Watch the scene where some singer takes off her dress - you’ll see her boobs. Watch one of the end scenes where they rehash all the murders and play some kinda badass song...concentrated violence is always a good thing. Besides that, don’t waste your time. It’s so predictable that it’s funny; they should bring back Mystery Science Theater 3000 for this one.

Oooh, food turns into maggots, beautiful women turn into old skeletons, and the black guy dies (Surprise!). Bottom line - don’t watch the whole thing, and definitely don’t pay to see it.

Wednesday, April 30st Angie from the pits of Hades , you are a brainless slut. That column you wrote in the Poobag bashing that guy and The Medium was a complete and utter bore that I could not even finish reading. Your boyfriend is a loser who couldn’t get laid in high school so he joined a frat in college to pursue dumb house hoe girls like you who weren’t smart enough to get into Rutgers College. You’re boyfriend ain’t too smart either, honey, otherwise he would have realized that weekend you said you went back up to your parents’ house you were with me in my apartment. By the way, the Targum is a really expensive piece of toilet paper.

(Just because someone joins a frat does not mean they are a loser who can’t get laid, it just mean they like to fucked chicks who are passed and covered in Alcohol and Ruffees. And, as a side note, you get the Targum for free so it really is a cheap piece of toilet paper. No I’m serious it leaves ink stains all up your ass.) www.slutgers.com - selling cheesy ass t-shirts at SlutgersFest, bring 10 bucks.

“To The Rutgers Class of 2007: YOU’RE FUCKED. BEND OVER AND GRAB A PILLOW, BECAUSE THAT’S HOW IT’S GOING TO BE FOR THE NEXT 4 YEARS!” (Yeah, that personal goes out to all of those Rutgers Freshmen, who don’t yet know about their RU Screw and are already planning to go for the 5-year plan like so many Seniors have.)

J. from House 17, Quad 1...such a crush, why are you sooooooo great?! We can’t wait for the next field trip... where to?

(J. from House 17, Quad 1...why are you such a tool who writes personals to himself posing as a really hot chick?

One day my friend called and said, "I FOUND JESUS!" and my response was "Great, we are going to be rich!" But it turned out to be something completely different.

The Medium made me AntiJew. Thanks Commie-Nazis!

(Your Welcome you cute little Anti-Semite. There so fragile at this age, you know with there minds filled with Jew Hating Rage, I’m surprised they remember to eat)

“The Cock that keeps on Smoking” TO DELTA PHI: THE DELTA PHI FATTY GIRLS LOVE YOU!!! You throw the best parties and you have the sexiest brothers (especially Mark and Neil)!

Hey Mark! Dump that drunk slut and go out with us! Alchy Phi Fatty=Fun, Fat, Slutty, Drunk Times at all hours of the night! Can’t wait for Cinco de Mayo!

(Fraternities: Always looking for a holiday to drink, even Cinco De Mayo.) to the fucking asshole(s) who broke into my car and stole my radio at menlo mall on tuesday - who steals car radios anymore? that’s so 1996...and why would u waste the time and effort on an $80 JVC radio? what the fuck could you possibly do with it?- u stupid piece of shit - at least you left all my cds in the car - i’m guessing that’s cuz you’re probably a hiphop fan...every time i look at that gaping hole in my dashboard where my radio used to be, i think of what a worthless piece of shit you are and how much i’d like to stab you in the eyes and watch you get anally raped scumbag (Ummmm, Yeah, Juan says he’s really sorry about that, he needed to feed his 8 illigitimate children, and all they could afford were Hydrox cookies, but Juan didn’t want that Hydrox Shit, he needed the Namebrand Oreo. That’s just an estimated guess though, only because puerto ricans are known for being thieves. They probably stole this issue of the medium.)

TO any 30 year old Chinamen who are planning to ask little blonde girls on dates- How does it not occur to you how fucking scary you are? You cant just stalk people like that manespecially if you are OLD! And why the fuck are you trying to live in New Brunswick for the summer anyway, you have a real jobits time to move on. soooo scary....

Fuck You Niggers. The Edited Issue was gay as hell, gay like cessna and laymil sodomizing each other. Bryan is a douche bag, he likes to suck boys’ dicks and assholes.

TO MY BEST FRIEND BRYAN: I LOVE YOU TOO! WATCHING YOU AND YOUR BUDDY AJ GET IT ON WITH A BEER BOTTLE SURE IS FUN! SURE BEATS MIDGET PORN. I LOVE THE MEDIUM! WHY? BECAUSE ITS A PIECE OF SHIT EVER SINCE JOHN MINUS LEFT! GIVE MY REGARDS TO ALL THE FAGS THAT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME! laymil PS: I LIKE THE SHIFT KEY...especially when people are assholes.

(As Much as I love your comment about the other Personals Editor, Bryan, getting it on with a beer bottle, I don’t think it was very nice to say that you liked John Minus, mostly cause he’s black.

P.S. I personally like the Caps Lock Key, it’s much easier to use when typing entire personals in caps like so many of you assholes do.)

“Come to a Bible study. It’s a great way to meet blessed people and the Word of God” Jesus Come to RU For Christ for a blessed time for your body and soul.

To that fucking cocksucker of an asshole, why don’t you go ream yourself in the butt before it’s too late your loose asshole starts leaking stool from your ass, then dogs would follow you around cuz u got shit hanging from your ass, then when you turn around to see why dogs are following you, you get a big whiff of your dried up shit becuz its been there for weeks and weeks. I hate you and I hope you fucking die you non-carpet munching lesbian, gay fagshitter wiith an apostrophe. Go have sex with yourself you abstinent bastard

I would just like to take this time to give thanks to the guy who took my Jeep Liberty for its first ride ever. The test drive was quite smooth and surprisingly comfortable. I thought that shit was supposed to hurt (you pussies). Anyway, the next time we had some good old fashioned sex, and true to his promise, I didn’t know “which way was up or down” when it was all over.

Wow. Thanks a lot, sugar. I never knew it could be that good. I didn’t roll my eyes once, and stayed awake the entire time.

You’re unfuckingbelievable.

(I wish that when I took my Oldsmobile out for a test drive the 73 year-old seller would have given me some sweet sweet lovin’, or at least taken out her dentures and given me some roadhead.) to my fucking roomate X: how many times do i have to tell u? your nipples are like ginormous fucking pink saucers, u fuckin beast. me and kosh can eat your mom’s and sister’s cooch off of them. by the way kosh loves to ogle at your sister’s breasts and fantasizes cumming in her eye. you fuckup in life. i saw that tattoo of ricky martin on ur pale fatass while u were sticking that lava lamp up ur ass u sick fuck.oh, and stop staring at my morning wood u homo. next timeu get a closer look i’ll busty in your nose and blind then blind u. p.s. and my dog has been acting funny ever since i left u with him over the weekend. anytime i give him a sausage to eat he runs away and pisses himself. thanks asshole. oh yea and u smell wash your clothes.

(Why would a dog be scared of a sausage? I mean, it just doesn’t make too much sense unless when you left the two alone he..............Ohhhhhhh I get it now, he forced the dog into Anal Pleasure with . him, that or the dog . gives bad head)

Personals Personals Ned, I must chime in, you are IN LOVE WITH TIFFANY. Now stop beating off to her picture and propose dammit.

You have each respectivly introduced yourselves by newspaper editorial, and the next logical step is marriage. yeah, that took balls to criticize a Targum columnist. c’mon, it’s like making fun of a retard: sure it’s fun, but it’s too easy.

This peronal is in honor of Ned Berke and his outstanding article and his, not as much innovative, but fucking ballsy and insightful critique on editorals published in the targum... i only wished i possesed the cajones to attack self-important simpletons such as, the not so beloved, individual mentioned in his article. We can only hope that Ned’s stand disencourages others from posting their undeveloped, uneducated point of view on pressing or unpressing issues of today.

Thank you Ned and you’ll burn in hell with me.

To Tiffany: You like to have fivesomes with gay cockroaches. I bet you like the DVDA of their tiny little penises, and when they can’t fit into your tight tight clit, you go back to your room and cry about it all over your bi-weekly shitty articles. BTW, you’re a cunt.

To my cuntrag of a roommate, yeah, that’s right, I will never speak to you again. You can try approaching me with your corny remarks, and annoying self, but I will remain as silent as a mummy. You whore, don’t you get it? Your constant fucking humming has given me a brain tumor. I also cannot stand your lack of a sense of humor, your opinions, your clothes, your love-life, and everything about you. Fuck off, and tell your mom to stop calling you five times a night. I think it’s time to cut the umbillical cord, or get a fucking cell phone. Next time you’re gone for the weekend, I’m going to take a shit under your pillow. Just a friendly warning. www.themedium.net www.slutgers.com www.ilovemartinscock.com

Look at Me, I created the ultimate 9-assed monkey! HA-HA-HA!!! Come and See this Genetically engineered Marvel in room 109 of the LSC at 9:30 PM

”so you two are, like, fuck buddies?” “we hang out too”

Personals Personals Dear Tiffany: No, I’m not Ned. I just wanted to thank you for making fun of Ned, as I hate him more than anyone else on this planet. His constant abuse of my comedic abilities leaves me a bitter shell of myself after Wednesday nights. Plus I’m trying to suck up to you, as I heard you do anal. Love, Snagglepuss This is for the dirty sorostitutes in Jewish Society & Culture MW4 on College Ave. Why don’t you shut your fat mouths during class?? There is more to learning than hearing about how many dicks you’ve sucked or your weekly manicure. Some of us are in this class to learn but you bitches distract everyone. Nobody wants to hear your fat asses talk, especially during class you arrogant fucking bitches who suck up the earth (allright, anyone in a Jewish Society and Culture class doesn’t really wanna learn that shit, and if they do, they should be shot. for pete’s sake, couldn’t you find some other 3 credit course that would’ve been more interesting? at least you could’ve gone with intro to jewish STD’s...i saw that in the coursebook this past semester.)

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

Dear Tiffany, I admit, I really just have a crush on you. Why won’t you give us a chance? your pal, Ned (aww, he still loves her after her scathing words about his grammatical abilities. with the advent of springtime, young men’s hearts turn to love’s fancies.)

This personal is in honor of Ned Berke and his outstanding article and his, not as much innovative, but fucking ballsy and insightful critique on editorials published in the targum... i only wished i possessed the cajones to attack self-important simpletons such as, the not so beloved, individual mentioned in his article. We can only hope that Ned’s stand uninspires others from posting their undeveloped, uneducated point of view on pressing or not pressing issues of today. Thank you Ned and i find comfort in the fact that you’ll burn in hell with me.- The angry pencil (so, angry pencil, why you gotta be a pussy like that? huh? why didn’t YOU write an article about this bitch if you hate her so much, huh? oh wait...no cojones. that’s right. sorry dude. you know, they make prosthetics for dogs with no balls, maybe they do the same for people.)

Fuck You. Stop Make Fun of Black People. I Don’t Trust Chippy- eat a dick and choke on my wang... you suck....

White People No More.

www.themedium.net for the {Nobody can kill you with a penis} super happy fun game!!!!!!!

Why are all the good-looking Asian girls so flat? I mean they are flat as a board, so flat that they could double as a TV tray when I need them. This is so frustrating. Would you date an ugly girl with Big Breasts or a Cute girl with NO Breasts? (i’d take the ugly girl with big breasts and use her for knife practice, then put a bag over her head and fuck her like nobody’s business. boy, i just realized writing for this paper will make my ex girlfriend even more scared of me than she is now.)

Masturbating is so painful these days. (maybe you should get those lesions checked out. that could be the source of your pain-filled masturbatory sessions. or, try a water-based lubricant instead of sandpaper. yeah, maybe that would work. dick.) {Or just find a girl who will do anal... blood = lube-eIc}_ MEDIUM PERSONALS’ ANTI-WHITE PEOPLE SECTION

I don’t care if it’s free advertising, or any shit like that. She’s got a nice rack, and I think she should know that.

This section does not endorse slutgers.com, but does endorse a great set of breasts.

Will you please have sex with me? please??

I hate White people. They ruin everything just like Mexicans and Chinks Stupid white people. It is pathetic to see all the young white male wiggers trying to emulate blacks. Unfortunately these guys grow up without understanding the greatness of their own white cultural heritage. (that’s for all the blacks, hispanics, and asians who complain about the unfairness of racism today. suck it.)

You people are racist. I just filed another complaint to the Rutgers chapter of the NAACP and the Douglass chapter of GLAAD. Your days of spreading hate are over

To my fuckhole roommate who i hate so very very much. I wish you would die. I would not give a flying fuck if you fell off the face of the earth. Please stop typing on the computer and go (funny, I thought our days of out and get yourself killed. I’ll spreading hate were just be- be so fucking happy next year ginning. oh well. guess I’m when I don’t have to see your mamma boy ass moping wrong. you fucking jew.) around the apartment with your oh my goodness! hardonz fuck mom 5 steps behind you wiping me up! and they make me want your ass. I hope you have fun to touch and masturbate mynext year rooming with the self and that’s no good! no this biggest fucking loser in the is very very bad! it makes me whole fucking world. YOU huge! now i have to go and ARE AN ASSHOLE! EAT masturbate!

SHIT AND DIE! GET Bush must have some KILLED! YOUR Mongoloid genes. His nose MOTHER’S A WHORE! seems too flat for a pure Caucasian, maybe he is of (ahh, the roommate you’ve hated all year long and just eastern origin. Also his face has can’t seem to get rid of. i that wide Asiatic form. He even know the feeling, my friend, has those mousy Asian features. No wonder he’s a i know it all too well. but soon enough, you’ll be rid of pushover even if he tries to act him, and have to deal with tough towards terrorism and your 3 other fuckhole roomIraq. The best American presidents, like FDR and mates) Lincoln, always have that To that awesome girl: you know who you are. You are distinctive European look. totally awesome, almost as (i read somewhere that the cool as blueberry pie, and i only two presidents whose love blueberry pie. I’ll have mothers ever smiled in a your babies any day of the family picture were the two week, month, or year. love, who avoided war, carter and your snagglepuss eisenhower. i also read that bush’s dad used to beat him Today was such a beautiful day to smoke a cigar. If anyone’s with a belt.) interested in smoking a cigar, Laymil, I may not be a fat, or starting a cigar appreciation pedophile but your mom was club here at rutgers, send me a great last night personal. I’ll get it, cause I’m the editor and stuff. If I get (i love the apparent ranenough interest, I’ll actively dom comment that has pursue the idea. meaningful, real connections in it.) {This is how he started with the buttsex too....} Thanks Everyone! -Stan

Wed. April 30th The Medium is offensive. I am going to file a complaint to the Rutgers governing association.

Your days are numbered (You know what, I’m right along with you, no, wait....I have to fuck your mother) I hate the fake Indians that are going around campus. They think they are Black and Ghetto just because they listen to Tupac and wear Sean John's. Well guess what? You stupid cunts are making all us real Indians look bad? You guys are like Sub-Indian man, you all are not even real Indians. Im sure you would all piss in your pants and whine in Indobonics if you saw a real gun and a real angry Indian motherfuckers. Thats right, stop being a fake Indian you pricks. Let me put it to you idiots this way: Indians ARE NOT BLACK AND YOU NEVER WILL BE. (Yes, I hate black people too...)

“Rarisan does not mean small penis in Hebrew” Chinese Shung don't drink the water tonight or you will wake up from a wild night of bukkake from the gang and have a banana stuck up your virgin asshole courtesy of yours truly.

- The Cadet.

(You know, I didn’t like Bukkake until i tried it, other than the cum in your eyes, it’s not that bad) Stop Palestinian occupation.

Stop the terror. We have done nothing toincite the savage anger of our Palestinian brothers. Let us end in peace and allow for our settlers to reclaim the Land that was once theirs. A message from the Rutgers Hillel. www.slutgers.com - the only place to get a thongs and tshirts with the Slutgers seal of approval!

(You know, I would be so behind this site, but they To the Israeli bitch who keeps don’t offer men’s sizes.....) giving me Dirty looks. I am a fucking Christian Chink, not a To the whores at ZTA, you dirty Palestinian! Stop starting can go suck my cock for down on me like I am going to what you did, I will make you suicide bomb your fat, stuck up eat my asshole and then ass! For fucks sake this is Nazi make you bathe in my shit, America, Not NAZI ISRAEL! Fucking Dykes...

To the perfect guy on the ground (You know, I would find floor of House 17, Quad 1, WE that funny if I didn’t hear LOVE YOU!!! You're sooooo my sister yell that to my the Godfather! Alchy Phi Fatty mom) broke all of the rules for you.

We can't wait until we all live To Kathy: together! Best friends for life! I’m sorry, but I’m just a nigga (It’s nice to have sorostitues that loves titties Love Always as girlfriends, just make sure they don’t give you the HIV)

Personals Personals

(If you find Whitey tell that nigga he owes me twelve dollas, aight balla) Well white brothers and sisters Rutgers has finaly hit rock bottom. Today my damm Chemistry professor (last name starts with a P) decided to come out of the closet to his classes, and i am pissed beyond belief. This bitch is the same dammed race traitor who lectured us on PLO violence, but said nothing of the Isreali butchery, who is constantly mocking the right-wing, but says nothing but good about the self-destructive left, I can't even begin to relate the things she said of the White Race. I'm telling this to everyone I can, in hopes of getting this treasonous sodomite out of our schools!

(And then there was this....)

Kill The White People We're gonna hit them in the head With a Baseball bat and make them cry What does this Patriotic Picture Kill The White People We're gonna make them hurt Mean? Who Cares? Send your Kill The White People Personals into We're gonna make them cry Kill The White People olsentwins@seductive.com Yeeeeaaah They’ll get used for next week’s Because they deserve it Kill The White People issue....

Because they raped our sisters Kill The White People I Fucking Hate: To the gorgeous guy who sits Because they are stupid Spics, Chinks, in my antro class with those crackers Wops, Dotheads, beautiful blue eyes, I want you (You know these two should Kikes, Wetbacks, in the wettest way, so does my get together and share their Honkeys, Jews, friend. We Love you!!!!! love of diversity) Gooks, Towelheads, (I didn’t know I was being To the guy running for the H bus and The French, watched.......) yesterday... NICE HUSTLE But I <3 Niggers FATTY!!!!!!!!

(You got that off Tshirthell Go eat some SARS I <3 gaymil you Whore...)

(Don’t we all.... Don’t we all) www.themedium.net

Ned Burke, the letter to Tiffany was the greatest thing i I HATE Chinese peeples, them have ever read. It's Pulitzer ruin all for us niggaz with them prize status. Verbally abusing Hey, why can’t SARS and scary shit like dat. that land monster should turn all the asians die, into a weekly event.

Man, fuck them. that’s what god intended when (I would also like to (Ahhhh...... nothing says he gave them the applaud Ned on his dirty asian like a good dose SARS, why do of the SARS) literary achievment) they have to I stalk girls named Shirley Why is it that Black people bring everyone I hate you Julee, you ruined ev- who are from the ghettos so else down with erything for me. Now I am go- friendly and laidback when them. ing to drive down to Hoboken I ball with them? Yet why is If only the Jews and shoot myself. Goodbye it that all the Filippinos from controlled the Julee, Goodbye Rutgers, the rich suburbs I ball with Media and all act so fucking ghetto and Goodbye Rarisan... the money in thuggish? Why do they (I used to be a suicide the world. Oh think they are black?

Even councelor, but I could never wait they a few black guys I know stand whiney people bitch already do, let’s are trying to answer that abouth their lives.) torture them question. But the question Why did the monsters at is: where are the white and put them to WNEW take Opie and An- people in this? Well, sad to work, oh wait the German’s thony off the air? I will fuck their say they are too busy virgin assholes for that!!!!!! already did stealing our women and raping sheep to get involved that. They www.4paddedwalls.com in this bullshit. Aint that right were called Nazi’s Whitey?

PENIS

What’s Shakin’

“erotic stories that feature LSD and sisters are not as interesting as they sound”

Wednesday, April 30th, 2003

New York Wed 4/30 - Melissa Ferrick - Knitting Factory Wed 4/30 - Pearl Jam - Nassau Coliseum Wed 4/30 - Bright Eyes, Arab Strap - Irving Plaza Thur 5/1 - Bright Eyes - Town Hall Thur 5/1 - The Butchies - Knitting Factory Thur 5/1, Fri 5/2 - Ellen Degeneres - Beacon Theater Thur 5/1 - Sat 5/3 - Super Diamond, Tijuana Strip Club - Irving Plaza Fri 5/2 - The Ataris - Roseland Ballroom 5/7, 5/8 - Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Irving Plaza 5/8 - AFI - Roseland Ballroom 5/9 - Pete Yorn - Hammerstein Ballroom 5/11 - Boy Sets Fire, The Hope Conspiracy - Irving Plaza 5/15 - Dashboard Confessional - Bowery Ballroom 5/19 - Blue Man Group - Hammerstein Ballroom 5/26, 5/27 - Trey Anastasio - Hammerstein Ballroom

Have a good summer. Try not to get into too much trouble.

This is your friendly neighborhood What’s Shakin’ editor, signing off.

NJ this week + Summer Events Wed 4/30 - Jucifer, The Detachment Kit - Maxwell’s Thur 5/1 - 50 Cent, Clipse - Convention Hall (Asbury Park) Thur 5/1 - The Transplants - Birch Hill Fri 5/2 - Gipsy Kings - Count Basie Theater Fri 5/2 - Soozie Tyrell - Stone Pony Sat 5/3 - New Found Glory, Good Charlotte, Less Than Jake, Hot Rod Circuit - PNC Bank Arts Center Fri 5/9 - Soulfly, E-Town Concrete - Birch Hill Sat 5/10 - Motorhead, Anthrax - Stone Pony Fri 5/16 - Joan Jett & The Blackhearts - Stone Pony Fri 5/23 - They Might Be Giants - Stone Pony Sat 5/24 - Ween - Stone Pony Fri 5/30 - Sun 6/1 - The Great Bamboozle - Stone Pony 6/20 - Peter Gabriel - PNC Bank Arts Center 6/27 - Norah Jones, Gillian Welch - PNC Bank Arts Center 7/23 - Lollapalooza - PNC Bank Arts Center 8/14 - B.B. King, Jeff Beck, Galactic - PNC Bank Arts Center 8/18, 8/19 - Ozzfest - PNC Bank Arts Center 8/22 - Tori Amos, Ben Folds - PNC Bank Arts Center 8/28, 8/29 - Counting Crows, John Mayer - PNC Bank Arts Center

http://www.themedium.net

Think you can do a better job on this page than me? (trust me, it’s not hard) Come to the Medium meeting and get yerself nominated. if you’ve made 3 or more contributions to the paper this semester, you could seize my post in a bloodless coup! (or a bloody coup, depending on when i have my period)

if you’ve made even one contribution, come and vote!

tonight at 9:30, LSC 109