THE
MEDIUM
Volume XXXV, Number 1
The Entertainment Weekly of Rutgers University. www.themedium.net
Wednesday, September 10th, 2003
PARTY OF THE YEAR 2003
Bus Ride to College Ave from Livingston: Free Half Keg of Natty Light from Pete’s Liquors: $42.00 Bikini from WickedWeasel.com: $115.00 Weightlifting belt to hold up keg: $14.99 Not remembering Party of the Year @ Old Queens: Priceless
Wednesday, September 10 , 2003 “Slytherin sucks the Big One!” Opinions Michael J. Stanley This Week’s “Retorts to Retards” : The True The new Editor-in-Chief Furmanski I smell genocide By Ned Berke th
123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 I can hear it now. The sucking and slurping sounds coming from Targum University Editor Carmen Cusido’s 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 mouth as her head bobs up and down on newly appointed executive vice president of academic affairs Phillip Furmanski’s 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 four-inched johnson. Her lipstick is leaving a smeared trail of burgundy. She never gags and takes every little (and I do 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 mean little) inch of it in her mouth. She also swallows anything given to her, but I don’t think it’s much – I have an aching 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 suspicion Phillip has trouble in that area. None of this surprises me though; Targum members have been blowing the 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 faculty’s members for years with words - it only seems a natural and logical progression that it would lead to them 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 actually blowing them. If anyone picked up Friday’s (9/5) edition of the Targum and saw Cusido’s article entitled 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 “Distinguished NYU prof. joins administration” in which a fascist disciplinarian who abuses his power and tramples on 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 the freedoms of those below him is lauded and commended as a great scholar and made out to be a wonderful man, then 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 they might come to the same conclusion I have: Cusido MUST be blowing Furmanski. The logic is there - look for it. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 Furmanski has a problem with free speech and student activism. He has a problem with students who are 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 fed up with the bullshit fed to them by those in charge and take steps to stop them. In the summer of 1997, the Chinese 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 Staff and Workers Association began a campaign against exclusionary practices on NYU owned construction sites. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 NYU allegedly had a hiring practice which refused Chinese immigrant workers from an NYU-owned East 14th street 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 dormitory construction site in New York City. On December 3rd, 1997 a ceremony inaugurating the new Asian/Pacific/ 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 American Studies Program was held, in which Sigmund Shen, an NYU grad student, and an Asian-American student 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 activist, was an invited guest. After Vice President Debra James spoke, Shen asked permission to ask a question. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 Permission was granted, and he pointed out the “very embarrassing contradiction between an ostentatious “Asian 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 Pacific American Celebration” and an ongoing racist exclusion of Chinese workers from NYU-owned construction 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 sites” and asked for reform in hiring practices. The issue was not immediately addressed, and the ceremony continued 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 as planned. Two weeks later, Shen discovered that the then Dean of Arts and Sciences, Phillip Furmanski, had filed a 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 complaint against him in which he called Shen “unreasonable” and had “persistently and repeatedly interrupted a 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 program of speeches.” Because of this, he stated, Shen was to face disciplinary actions immediately, which included the 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 risk of expulsion. Witnesses present at the inauguration declared this a lie. Accordingly, “at no time during the 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 ceremony did he act in a physically aggressive manner or begin chanting. He waited to ask his question until after VP 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 James had finished her speech and applause had already begun. At least two other guests at the reception verbally 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 expressed their support of Shen’s concerns … In fact, Shen prefaced his question by asking VP James if he could pose 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 it, at which point the VP smiled, nodded her head, and verbally assented.” 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 As if an outright lie in a formal complaint against a student weren’t enough, Furmanski devised a very 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 clever plan to gag him for the rest of his years at NYU. He was offered an agreement to sign which would give 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 Furmanski and the VP the absolute power to expel him, without a formal hearing in which he could defend himself, at 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 any point during the remainder of his matriculation at the university. If signed, this agreement would have left Shen 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 pressed by the fear of expulsion at any moment for any reason – including challenging the University on any issue. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 Thus, Furmanski attempted to bully Shen into silence. However, Shen refused the agreement and Furmanski withdrew 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 his complaint against him, stating that he felt Shen was “sufficiently impressed” by the threats. To this, Shen wrote in 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 a letter to the VP of Student Affairs, “This is an outrageous representation of a completely absurd process during which 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 I was harassed for no good reason and a great many bad ones. I have never conceded any kind of wrongdoing … and have 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 certainly never claimed to be ‘sufficiently impressed’ by any threat NYU has made against me. The administration’s 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 attempt to withdraw in this spiteful manner is a stunning example of insult added to considerable personal injury.” 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 This is not the only example of Furmanski trying to silence free speech and the challenging of authority. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123
by: a rutgers escapee
Welcome back returning students and for you
new students, welcome to Rutgers University. If you’re reading this right now, you’re smart enough to pick up a copy of The Medium, Rutgers University’s Entertainment Weekly. We are a satire paper - ifyou’re not quite sure what satire is, here's a dictionary definition:
sat·ire (n). A literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit. Irony, sarcasm, or caustic wit used to attack or expose folly, vice, or stupidity.
I wanted to use my weekly editorial box to tell you to come by a meeting if you like what you read in The Medium. Meetings are every Wednesday at 9:30 in Beck 003 on Livingston Campus. Showing up at a meeting is one of the best, if not the best decision I’ve made since entering Rutgers. If you’re a new student here, I hope you take this opportunity to read the paper and enjoy what you’re reading.Tell a few friends about it. We print weekly so every Wednesday you’ve got something besides The Daily Associated Press, I mean The Daily Targum, to read. We are The Medium, the Entertainment Weekly of Rutgers University, and as I see it, the best thing this crappy school has to offer. I can be reached at eic@themedium.net
Who’s Afraid of the Big Black Girl? Or Welcome to Opinions and Editorials
As most of you have already skimmed the personals already, it’s time to get to the rest of the paper, which starts with me. If there was ever a Black Female (does that mean I’m gonna be twice as angry?) Ops/Ed editor, I’ve never heard of her. So I’m claiming to be the first until you prove me wrong. I’ve been floating around the paper for a while, maybe you remember me from the What’s Shakin’ back page (prolly not), or most likely from Arts as the girl who brought Fat Jenny and Fat Debbie to life. Now, however, we have other things to discuss. Actually, I’d rather you faithful readers discuss them, as I’m trying to graduate this year, and I’ll be damned if I have to write every motherfucking article in this two paged section every week (There, you see? I’m getting salty already). So, for all you mad rappers, pretentious assholes, wannabe intellectuals, salty bitches, Muslims, rugby players, cheerleaders, whores, surfers, and chronic drug users: 1. Aren’t you pissed off at those “Don’t steal music” commercials? 2. Why do ghetto ass people ruin shit for the rest of us? 3. What’s the difference between girls that are “players” and girls that are “sluts”? 4. Does it even matter if we vote next November? Isn’t it all rigged anyway? 5. Doesn’t the Targum/Canada/Ashanti suck? That being said, tell ‘em why you mad, yo.
Around the same time, activity among animal rights groups at NYU had being growing in response to animal testing and mistreatment of primates there. A memo from Dean Phillip Furmanski, to members of the Biology Department was leaked by faculty whistle-blowers. The memo stated that there was “a resurgence of activity among animal rights groups focusing on NYU” and the construction of a laboratory which would conduct animal experiments on the top floor of the Main Building at NYU in particular. He then advised faculty to “keep a low profile.” He stated, “There is little to no awareness of the presence of animals [in laboratories] at Washington Square and we want to keep it this way. Even the construction on the roof is intended to be just another ‘biology laboratory’ … If any students approach you regarding this issue, the response is that we do everything that is legally and morally required to assure the health and well-being of any animals…. Above all please try to be discreet and take care to keep the profile of any animal usage as low as possible.” While advising faculty on how to answer questions may be legal, its morality is questionable, and the very idea of it in an academic setting is outrageous. What’s more is that we are now hiring this guy to the second most powerful post in the school while the president of Rutgers is decrying the need for openness. Is it possible that McCormick is only saying these things as a good public relations maneuver, and not really intending to pursue such a practice? Of course it’s possible, and it wouldn’t be surprising either. Jonathan Weintraub, the NYU junior and animal rights activist to whom the memo was leaked to was outraged at Furmanski’s practices. At a town hall meeting Weintraub demanded that NYU begin an open dialogue on the subject. A short time later, Furmanski played his gag game. According to the New York Observer, after filing a formal complaint against Weintraub, Furmanski offered the same vile offer that Shen was offered – “He could sign an agreement which, among other things would in effect give school officials the power to suspend or expel him – without the formal proceedings usually granted students –if he broke any school rule for the rest of his career at the university. In his view, and in that of his lawyer, the deal would give the school the power to boot him on the slimmest of pretexts. And he was given 21 hours… to accept or decline.” The fact that he was only allowed twenty-one hours to, as Weintraub put it, “decide the outcome of my academic career at NYU” violated NYU’s own deadline for ‘informal resolution’ of the allegations. While Weintraub wisely rejected the agreement, he was ultimately suspended for his actions. Do we really want a man like Furmanski to occupy the second most powerful position in our University? This is a man who tramples on the First Amendment and seemingly laughs at those he steps on. When I read the Daily Targum lauding this man’s achievements and rolling out the red carpet to this whore I was horribly insulted and felt betrayed. According to SATYA, an animal rights magazine, Furmanski’s reign as Dean of the Faculty of Arts and Sciences at NYU was marked by years of “fines, procedural violations, dumped reports, heavy-handed punishments, … employment of a researcher convicted of breaking the law and the firing of the man who helped expose him.” And now this man is here, being paid $350,000 ($25,000 more than he was paid at NYU) plus bonuses and perks. Perks must, without a doubt, include blowjobs from Targum staffers like Carmen Cusido. I know I’m really glad my $8.25 (which I have NOT gotten back yet) that goes to the Targum every semester is really going to serve my interests and protect me from fascist bastards like Furmanski. Thanks a lot Targum.
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Everyone Knows The Layout Except Stupid Freshmen
Stay away from the Jungle juice! and the Jungle semen!
On-Location Cover Photo by: Chris Holt
THE
MEDIUM
CONTENTS
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
Michael Stanley Your Mother Ned Berke Aija McKenzie Jim Cortina Daniel Migliore Paul Simpson Jeff Buechner
Personals Editors Michael Stanley Steve Toboz Photographer Steve Toboz What’s Shakin’ Editor Your Father Online Editor Chris Holt Advertising Manager Ned Berke Staff Artist Pat McRoch Senior Editor Aija McKenzie
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is noon, Sunday. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC - Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903. This issue is dedicated to everyone that stood at the SAC waiting for an EE bus to show. Suckers.
Wednesday, September 10th, 2003
NEWS
“Paraplegic chicks are really sexy.”
The New Bush By: Dan Miglore Shakin’ ‘Dat Ass since 1982
Parktran & Academy Bus Lines I don’t know whose bright idea it was to change the EE route and eliminate stops without actually telling anyone. It would have been nice to see 1 website; some kind of announcement other than in The Targum or on the Parktran possibly on the Rutgers website front page, possibly signs at the bus stops, anything but the way they went about it. I don’t ask for much, really. I just would have liked to make it to all of my classes on my first day. But the way it worked out, I ended up back on Cook rather than the SAC where I had planned on being. Getting on another bus wasn’t an option - as slow as they are, I wouldn’t have made it to the class before it ended. The worst part of this whole thing is that the only stops that were cut were stops specifically catering to the University. Local crackheads, prostitutes, and other various unsavory characters are still serviced by the George Street stops, but the students now have to walk farther and be inconvenienced, when we are the ones footing the bill. Add this all to the newly enforced jaywalking laws and it becomes apparent that the University couldn’t care less about the students. A little start of term warning for the new freshmen: get used to shit like this.
Sexy paraplegic chicks baring all! Hot to trot women withan odd number of appendages! Where can you see all this? The Medium Meeting, Tonight (Wednesday) 9:30 Beck 003!
Desperate in his attempts to convince fellow world leaders to aid the United States in the rebuilding of Iraq, President Bush today infused himself with the DNA of a long lost leader of men, the still talked-about Jesus H. Christ. Using DNA retrieved from blood samples found on the Shroud of Turin, military scientists were able to give President Bush many of the alleged “Messiah’s” finer points, most notably, the ability to speak like an educated and competent human being. Cynics, however, are troubled by this move by the Bush Administration, fearing that our dealings in the Middle East are becoming, in fact, strikingly similar to the Crusades of the Middle Ages. Bush had only one comment, saying that “[h]e who is without fault should cast the first stone.” In a related story, fears of assassination rose when the FBI was alerted to mass buildings of crucifixes.
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(I should have seen this one coming.) - Ed.
Since you have enough time to read shit that has been printed upside down, why don’t you write me some news articles? Become a Medium staffer, be hated by University Administration! Send articles to pinkeyedjim@hotmail.com
White Humor by Brian Tarus
www.themedium.net
Features
“If I could be any animal, I’d be Cannabis Sativa”
Welcome and Welcome Back From: Dan Migliore, GMG/Features Editor and Shameless Self-Promoter First, I, Dan Migliore, would like to extend mellow greetings to those of you who remember The Medium from previous semesters, the sophmores, juniors, seniors , and super-seniors of all types. I, Dan Migliore, hope you all had restful and booze-filled summers. I, Dan Migliore, would also like to welcome those of you who may be picking up The Medium for the first time; that’s right, all you first-years out there. And on your decision to attend classes on the banks of the ol’ Raritan, I would just like to ask, WHY?! Didn’t you talk to people who already went here? Well, it’s too late now, the best thing to do is relax and take it in slow, the way your mom did when I gave it to her from behind. (ZING! -GMG/Features Ed.) There is one important thing that I, Dan Migliore, would like to tell all of you, is not to wait any longer, or as is the case for some of you, do not wait at all, to attend a
Medium Meeting. It’s tonight at 9:30 in Beck Hall, Room 003 (insert fan-boy James Bond comment here). And for those anti-social ones out there, you don’t have to come to a meeting to be part of The Medium, you can always submit an article to me, Dan
Migliore, the GMG/ Features Editor by emailing your work to FeaturesEd@yahoo.com. (Original, ain’t it?-GMG/
Wednesday, September 10th, 2003
New College “Experiences” By: Henry Rarisan So, this is your first year at college, and I’m here to put your mind at ease about all the important questions in this uncertain time. No, I’m not talking about how not to fail school, or how not to waste all your time doing nothing but smoke pot, I’m talking about the uneasy feeling that you get when after about a month apart from your high school “sweetheart” you wonder if she’s cheating on you with some frat boy type that you see parading around the campus. Rest assured, she is. She has probably given drunken head to many a horny frat kid. But don’t despair or hang yourself from a tree, take this event as a sign that life continues after high school and college. People move on and so should you. Meet all new people and fall in love until you’re disillusioned with the whole process and enjoy life. Because in four or five years, you’re going to get a spirit breaking job and die as you were born: kicking and screaming. So use this time to your best advantage, if the opportunity presents itself for a new relationship, don’t piss it away because you think your girl will stay faithful, do what feels right ‘cause people weren’t meant to be chained down to one person, it’s just unnatural. And remember it’s not cheating if you’re in another time zone, or if your dog licks peanut butter off your testicles... ‘cause it’s your dog.
Features Ed.)
How I Spent My Summer Vacation By: Raoul Dan, Staff Writer May: After drinking Everclear for 4 days straight in Seaside Heights, Raoul Dan loses his eyesight and memory. While his eyesight eventually returns, his memory does not. Raoul Dan ventures forth to find out who he is. June: While touring with the Ringling Brothers, Raoul Dan is approached by a mysterious bald man in a wheelchair. “I can help you remember your past,” he says. So Dan flies to lower Manhattan to start his training as a mutant badass. July: At a Memphis rest stop Raoul Dan is accosted by a mysterious bald man named Morpheus. “I can show you the way,” he says. So he joins him and starts his training as a Kung Fu badass. August: After meeting with a mysterious bearded man in a robe, Raoul Dan flies to the Dagoba System to receive his training as a Jedi badass. September: After completing his myriad training, Raoul Dan suddenly remembers who he is, and goes back home to act as a freelance journalist for The Medium.
The Medium demonstrates how duct tape can be used to further Homeland Security
Free Pizza! Come to a Medium Meeting tonight in Beck 003 and you won’t not be not enjoying you’re free pizza in no time! Free pizza available only to editorial staff. All others must purchase pizza from a pizzeria. Pizza won’t not be not provided.
Arts
“We are the Hitler of comedy, and everybody else is a Jew.” uhoh...
Wednesday, September 10th, 2003
My ears hate me for not wearing earplugs to this show: Lighting Bolt/Wolf Eyes/Emil Beaulieu, August 30, Knitting Factory, NYC
This is a show I almost didn’t get to see, as it sold out the day of the show, and hell if I’m smart enough to buy a ticket in advance. A kind soul on the Pitchfork message board who calls himself “hose” had an extra ticket, however, so I bought it off him, and all was well. Thanks hose!
har har.
Hey everyone, its yr friendly neighborhood Volcano Worshipper, bringing you the first arts page of the new school year. As you may have noticed by now, Aija has been promoted to Op/Eds, so the staff pretentious wannabe-hipster indie snob has taken her place. Great. Expect to read tons of boring articles about why His Name Is Alive is the most criminally underrated band in the world, why everyone on earth should listen to “Advanced D&D With Donna Summer” on WFMU (not to mention incessant plugging of my own radio show), yet more ironic appreciation of faded pop stars, and tons of other drivel you’ll just skip over on the way to the personals. That is, of course, unless you all do something about it and submit articles!!! In all seriousness, I encourage everyone out there to go out, see shows, watch films, listen to music, go to museums, go to theatres, and let people know about it. I want to hear from anyone who is interested in any form of art. At any time of the semester, if there’s anything you want to tell the world via the population of Rutgers about, then speak up! The email address for submissions is volcanoworship@yahoo.com. See, I coordinated my moniker, my radio show name, and my email address, so it’s all easy to remember. So, see stuff, hear stuff, do stuff, write stuff! Come to Medium meetings too, join the staff! Let’s make this a great experience for all!!! Otherwise, you’ll be stuck with an entire semester of the nonsense to the right of this column. Cheers! Rest In Peace to Wesley Willis, 1963-2003. Rock over London, Rock on Chicago, The Medium, for when size doesn’t matter!
Yeah, this is what I did over my summer vacation to pay the bills. I was a mascot for some shitty minor league baseball team. How embarrassing. Submit reviews of anything arts related (music, movies, shows, exhibits, plays, performance art, etc.) to me at volcanoworship@yahoo.com. This is also my email address for Friendster. Also, listen to my radio show, The Volcano Worshipper’s Hour, on WRSU 88.7 FM, Monday nights from 10-12. These are commands
Dont avoid the Noid!!!!!
So anyway, I enter the club, and wait for stuff to happen. Emil Beaulieu (who owns RRR Records and has performed with and released albums by Merzbow and other noise artists) actually did his set in the audience, and I wasn’t up front in the beginning so I didn’t see him set up, so I wasn’t ready for the sudden blast of noise that occurred as he started his set. The timestereo.com newsletter called this guy “the Neil Hamburger of noise-comedy”, and that was pretty accurate; his music itself was extreme harsh horrific noise, which occasionally lapsed into a sort of abstract groove, but he did this really strange dance, where he’d retreat backwards into the audience and flail his arms around like he was possessed or conducting an orchestra or something, and every once in a while rush back to his mixers and stuff to add something different to the sound. He also did some sort of weird reverse striptease thing, where he started out wearing a t-shirt and gradually put on a button-down shirt, tie, and vest, like he was getting ready to go to work or something. At one point I saw wires dangling from his teeth. Towards the end, it sounded as if he was scratching up some old death metal records. Extremely odd, but it was kind of funny. After his set I went closer to look at his setup, and he did have a turntable hooked up, as well as a mixer with a sticker that said “Chicks Dig Power Noise.” Up next was Wolf Eyes. At this point I was way up close to the stage, so I saw everything perfectly. They had all their equipment set up on the stage in advance, a mess of various electronics and amps and other things. Pretty much all the songs they played were heavily distorted drones set to a slow drum machine beat. All 3 of the band members were thrashing around onstage, although at times it was hard to tell who was playing what, especially the guitarist. Even the vocals were so distorted that they were indistinguishable. The definite highlight was when they played one of the songs I recognized from their EP “Dead Hills” which came out on Troubleman Unlimited last year; at the end of this piece, one of the guys brought out a saxophone, while the other started playing something that I swear looked like a rifle converted into a musical instrument, where there was some sort of device where he’d blow into the barrel end and it would produce sounds. Maybe that wasn’t what it really was, but I swear that’s what it looked like. It was still kind of hard to tell what was going on, as it all still sounded like noise, and after about 5 minutes into Emil’s set my ears were pretty much shot anyway (earplugs? fuck that.) So anyway, when they got off stage, they cleared off all their equipment, and gradually Lightning Bolt started snaking through the crowd and setting up their huge wall of amps and their drumkit, in the audience. Yes, this band always does their shows on the floor, in the audience. And so everyone up front was told to get on the stage, so that’s what I did. This wasn’t a great idea for me, as my glasses are actually broken and held together with duct tape right now, and they kept coming apart while I was looking down and trying to watch the show, and it kind of sucked for me. But besides that, Lightning Bolt were amazing, of course. The entire band is Brian Gibson on 3-string bass guitar, Brian Chippendale on drums and vocals, and 3800 watts of amplification. They’re fucking brilliant. Chippendale is easily the most insane drummer I’ve ever seen, I have no clue how he manages to play as mindbogglingly fast and complex as he does, while at the same time holding his mic in his mouth and singing. Of course, singing isn’t really the right word for it, as the microphone is made out of part of a phone receiver or something, and is run through tons of effects, so everything he says is almost completely unintelligible. He usually wears this green gremlin-like mask while he plays, but half the time he just took it off because it was so damn hot. Everything about this band, its performance, and its music always seems to be on the brink of complete destruction, but they always manage to miraculously hold together. I mean, this was a definite fire hazard, and I’m really lucky I didn’t lose my bag or my glasses. But it was a truly awesome show and I was glad I actually got to see it after all. After the show, I bought a copy of Lightning Bolt’s DVD, “The Power Of Salad”, at the Load Records table. It chronicles their 2001 tour (including one show in Lubbock, Texas where they played an unannounced show in someone’s kitchen) and includes 2 insane animated videos. I already have all their albums, but this would be an excellent place to start for anyone not familiar with the band.
Personals Personals
“I killed my girlfriend in a car accident...”
To the guy that came over last The rules of the Personals night, way to make my ass 1) No printing full names or really obvious set on fire
first names (Jizlip), personal info (I.E., room
(Next time, i would suggest numbers, phone numbers, license plates, some sort of anal lube when email addresses, sperm count etc.) sodomy is going down. I also would suggest calling me…) 2) We can only accept personals that have To that motherfucker who stole my cell phone... could you please pick it up and let me know where you are... You see I have this disorder, it's called "I don't fucking like it when stupid freshman pieces of shit run away with my cell phone while I'm working out at the gym” If you could kindly return it to me I would be happy to give you a reward of a kick square in the nuts until your nuts take the shape of squares in which case I'll put on my 3-D glasses and then turn your nuts into cubes... Oh and btw let me know if my mom called about my herpes medicine... (You just got what we call, or at least what i call Freshmen Fucked. That would also explain the herpes…) To the dirty Mexican maintenance man who tries to see me changing in my dorm.... you're fucking disgusting, and if u try to peek thru the gap in my blinds again, I’ll send your illegal ass back to your hut in your country
been sent from Rutgers e-mail addresses, because we need to cover our asses. Rutgers email accounts are Eden or rci accounts. 3) The more personals you send in the less shit I have to find to take up space. So pull your fuckin weight you fat fuck. Send in as many as you want while at the same time making sure you poke fun at your friends, enemies or even loved ones. 4) Send in personals to
personals@themedium.net To all the fat chicks out there who think that they are super hot. Well your not. In fact you’re fat. The next time you look into the mirror and you think you see a super model sexy ass porn star. Think again. Think about what makes you hot. You might say you have big boobs. Well yea you do but they are only big cause they are proportional to your body. Meaning fat. So fat girls out there make sure you wash between the rolls and please stop walking fast cause all i am hearing is your thighs a clapping. (I’m sorry, I LOVE the sound of good old fashioned THUNDER THIGHS clapping together. Wait, no I mean piano music. I like piano music...) Fuck bus drivers who don't stop, fuck new Brunswick minorities that take my seat on the bus once I do get on, and fuck the cops that ticket me once I push past the minorities and run to class in-between crosswalks
(For starters, i'm not Mexican. I also take offence to the fact that you think you can send me back to a hut, I live in a tee-pee, fucker…) Could someone please help me out? I'm trying to figure out why Hitler hated so many Japs, Waps, Negro's, Spics, Retards, Kunte Kinte, The Russian Revolution, Morning Wood, The way you pee right after you have sex, Expository Writing, Hot dogs in the shape of penises, but for some rea- Dude, my pussy smells like son he licked the foot of every SAR’s, why is that? Could I single Jew that walked the ass have the HIV? of the Earth.
to all the fucking black people out there. why do i always see you eating fried chicken and drinking some type of orange soda. did they have that in africa. or was it something you picked up in your slave days This is what you here. i dont see how you could woman, man or, uhhh, come up with something so difgoat will say if you ferent. (i had chang wang for lunch) To those sororstitutes I met in PA. O yeah, let that French fry grease drip down your arm. O yeah, just like that...
don’t send in personals to us. So don’t be that guy, just don’t. personals@themedium.net NOW!
Hotcakes thanks for coming over last night. When I mean thanks I mean thanks for the sex. Cause really your great at it. If they gave an award for booboobtitty fuck of the year it would be yours no doubt. If I had to rate the sex on a scale from 1-10 it would definitely be an awesome. (No problem, only next time instead of tipping me by stringing my balls to a tree and shooting boiled potato’s up my ass, give me a nice cold head of cabbage…) Wanna find out what your porn name is? Sure you do you fucker. All you have to do is take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you lived on when you were born. And BAM! –Buddy Adeline To my sweet prosti-tot. How can you be so slutty yet so young. It seems like every second your on to another guy. Trying to get his man meat in your pink taco while every one already knows that there might be a little extra cheese on it. We know that going to slutgers might mean you can be all wild and crazy and such but you’re just a slut. (You know, I think I had a run in with this girl. What the fuck is up with her nose. I mean those nostrils or awful…) Why the fuck are the Hindu’s in the student center wearing fezzes? Fuck you fuckers!
Wednesday, Septemper 10th, 2003
to my smokiing token buddy all i can really say to what we did was dude. that was sweet. Weed weed it grows in the ground if god didn’t like it it wouldn’t be around. yea god was high when he made us so why not get high ourselves (I tried to take you advice and spread your teaching to the Rutgers police community. It was accepted outright. Awesome. I got a ticket for crossing the street in a dress outside of the crosswalk while fuckin a giraffe, go figure…) To the gang bang whore. All I can really say about you is that you got aboard the fuck you train and you road that bad boy all night long. Don’t worry about that itch. It will go away after a month or two
To an obsessive and overbearing asshole, I don't like you. The only reason we have hung out was because my friend gave you my number before I had a chance to tell him not to. I can drive my own car; you don't have to do it for me and don't ever mess with a girl’s radio station. Here are a few tips you should take before trying to hook up with anyone else… 1.Don't plan when I'm going to have sex with you. 2. I don't give a shit about the boner in your pants. 3. Use more soap and ALOT of mouthwash cause frankly you are disgusting! 4.I don' care about your love in fact I would go gay before loving you... 5. And when I bring up wanting to see other people the answer is not "NO"... Fuck you I hope you get herpes, The gutter slut
(Actually, I have to say, speaking from experience, it is a lot easier to get rid of that itch with the powder. And the cocktail sauce, cant (You know the other day, I forget that. MMMM, cocktail saw a boat. It was blue. A sauce…) blue boat it was…)
Come to The Medium meetings every Wednesday night at Beck on the Livingston Campus, Room 003 at 9:30 and we promise NOT to be like the llama... To all the posers that piss me the hell off... For everyone that grew up in suburbia and thinks they are a "gansta" WAKE UP! What the hell are you doing...? You just look stupid trying to be something that you can never even dream of or coming close to...Come on you weren't raised in the hood and you don't even know streets. You were probably brought up on Marshall Tucker or some other flaming country group...Just face reality. Cause you can never be the real thing. Everyones favorite gutter slut www.themedium.net
to hot canadian girl, damn girl your sexy. or as i say in canadian. you aboot as hot as some canadian bacon, eh. i guess in canada every girl is hot. cause you know that canadians are poor and so if they want to make it in lifethey have to try and be hot and marry a rich american since the yen or whatever they use in canada is worth as much as a wooden penny. To the whore above my room that drops shit on the floor at 3am.... if I wake up again I’m gonna drop u right down the fucking stairs
This is the weekly corner I will use to try and contain my hatred for the French. Try. See now that fucker is in my American Studies class… We will see how long I can resist. FUCK THR FRENCH!
Wednesday, September 10th, 2003 To that girl who looks like Natalie Portman that got on the EE at the George St. fountain on Monday at 6 PM. Please have sex with me. From The Medium News Editor
So me and my friend love to suck until the center of a tootsie pop........is that gay? (That’s not so gay. However, you liking cock in you ass kind of is. Fag.)
To my girlfriend, I was just kidding in that last personal to the Natalie Portman girl. Of course I want you to be there too. Can we please have a threesome with her? Love, The Medium News Editor
To the boy who used to sit next to me in Expository Writing last year with the tight pants and the thick black-framed glasses. I've always wanted to fuck Buddy Holly.
(Whipped like a bitch. A sad, sad whipped bitch.... whooppshaa) so the next girl that calls me offensive is gonna get raped next time their drunk, preferably in the anus (Listen, you offensive dirt bag. We don’t tolerate words like ‘anus’ here. Shitter, asshole, poopie provider, cornhole, and priestly heaven -hole are all far more appropriate.) could someone tell that osama bin laden looking mother fucker... to please kill himself and make me feel more patriotic... To the creators of Ever "crack" I hate you, I tried going down on my boyfriend the other day and all he wanted to do was level up his fucking dwarf with some axe. So I was stuck some weird form of female blue balls, it sucked, well okay it was really just my chlamidia acting up again, but still DIE!!!!! to the kid who lives next to me, shave that stupid ass grizzly adams beard, you look like an asshole with dentures To that useless sack of flesh riding the EE last year, loudly trying to impress some boy with your pseudo-political opinions - You are a stupid slut who should never talk, ever. While I hope the fucking “Israeli-Pakistine” conflict gets solved too, the last thing I wanted to hear was your whiny voice proclaiming it to everyone. You do not belong in college - not even Rutgers, because you are too stupid to contribute to society and too ugly to ogle. Please get hit by a truck. (Now, now, no one is too ugly to ogle. If they’re really ugly we ogle them because they’re so damned ugly. And fat. Fatty fat fat. Ogling ugly people makes us feel better about ourselves.)
Personals Personals
“Dude, you are SO gay.” to that bitch in my psych course on Livingston in beck hall on monday mornings, Stop talking about how your boyfriend gave you the syph. No one cares, and as much as i hate to admit it, I pay attention in class, and your mindless chatter about innane bullshit is giving me SARS... I hope you choke on a chicken bone with semen inside instead of bone marrow, sincerely me
I'm an asian midget, I'm fourfoot-one, and I would like to give a shout-out to all the Jewish boys out there, because your penises are just the right size for me. (Mike Litoris responds: Oh yeah baby! It’s mah lucky day! Look me up, ya little bitch. To all those other girls who hesitate on Jew boys like myself - WE’RE REALLY GOOD FOR ANAL TOO!!)
To the dirty, dirty sluts who live across from me in Frelinghuysen - You need to install a revolving door on your dorm room, because there is a steady stream of men going in and out of the place at all times. I swear to God, you had one living there for an entire week! I hope one of your fuckbuddies is a Chemistry major, so he can determine all the diseases you've got. PS - the Particle Man song is just not cool. Stop. To all the border jumpers, how about instead of stealing jobs from real Americans wait until we send jobs over there anyway. It'll happen eventually, because the rent on your shack that consists of a piss and shit hole is so low that we can pay you in peanuts and you could live in luxury. And another thing, I don't come to your house and speak fucking German, so don't come to mine speaking Spanish, speak english or go the fuck home...oh and don't look now but the INS just walked in the door, Made you look "oh, carmen!" i sent the warts back to hell where they came from...touching little boys is a sin fat fucking queen room mate go to hell you love the cock you fucking queer fuck this goes out to the lady who cleans my bathroom everyday... sorry about all the animal feces on the floor in the bathroom, me and my roommate ran out of room for our animal sacrifices, we'll clean it up next time, or get our dark lord satan to do it for us (Oh, that crazy Satan and his zany antics.)
To Daily Targum Editor-inChief Andrew “Fuckhead” Lang: I hate you and wish you fucking die. How dare you write an editorial saying that we should all be happy about the Richard “Lucky” McCormick prior to apbudget cuts and shouldn’t compointment as Rutgers U. president. plain. Who the fuck do you To whoever was kind enough To Chris Carabba - Why are Dear makers of 409 All-Pur- think you are, you piece of shit. to take my laundry out of the you so famous? I don't get it. pose Cleaner: You product is Just because the cuts weren’t dryer after it was done - You're not cute or talented...but not, in fact, lemon fresh. It as large as they could have been, doesn’t mean we should Thank you for not throwing you don't have boobs either. smells like feet. Did Spin magazine run out of To that asshole who was sup- be fucking happy about them my stuff all over the place, but folding my sheets and putting newer, trendier hacks to pro- posed to come and meet us to you fagshitter. It doesnt mean all my underwear inside the file? Are you fucking someone get things done. You are such that McGreevey is a nice, pillowcase was a bit exces- on the staff? Why won't you a fucking piece of worthless charitable guy. He’s still a sive. And, uhm, obsessive. and the crappy music you rep- shit, thanks for not showing up fucker who has wounded our and fucking the plans up. You're school. Perhaps if you take the And don't think I didn't no- resent just die quietly? (Careful, you may make him lucky that I haven't found you multitude of cocks out of your tice a pair was missing. cry. Then he’d write a song yet and kicked your ass before mouth you’d be able to see the ummm i like big asses. Like about you.) you could read this... or have damage done. I hate you and really big. No you don't unhope someone stones you to I? derstand. GINORMOUS! fuck off cocksnot death for your rampant stupidPlease let me touch it (You haven’t. Pussy) themedium.net ity and blasphemous bullshit.
What’s What’s Shakin’ Shakin’
“Mister Body Massage Machine Go!”
New York Wed, 9/10-From Autumn to Ashes-Irving Plaza Fri, 9/12-The Roots, N.E.R.D.-Jones Beach Sat, 9/13-Stephen Lynch-Town Hall Sat, 9/13-David Lee Roth-Beacon Theater Sat, 9/13-Steely Dan-Raseland Ballroom Mon, 9/15-DMX-Hammerstein Ballroom Wed 9/17-Taking Back Sunday-The Chance Fri, 9/19-Sevendust-Northern Lights Sun, 9/21-Fleetwood Mac-Jones Beach Sat, 9/27-Skid Row-Mulcahy’s
Wednesday, September 10th, 2003
These two pictures have something in common, try and figure out what. In the meantime, enjoy these events I molested out of a drunken sorostitute last Friday. Oh and by the way, if you haven’t figured it out....
You’re Fucked
New Jersey Fri, 9/12-Exit 131, Midd December-Birch Hill Fri, 9/12-Runaway Orange, Tokyo Rose-Birch HIll Fri, 9/12-Red Hot Chili Peppers-Tweeter Center Sat, 9/13-Rick Springfield-Stone Pony Tues, 9/16-Nebula-The Saint Wed, 9/17-Poison The Well, Further Seems Forever-Birch Hill Fri, 9/19-Divinity Destroyed-Birch Hill Fri, 9/19-Saves The Day, Taking Back SundayConvention Hall Sat, 9/20-Jonny Lang-State Theater Sat, 9/27-Staind-Tweeter Center
Damn, He-man is sexy. I cried all day when he got AIDS.
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