MEDIUM
The Entertainment Weekly of Milking Tragedy for Ratings
Drink Clown-Wig.
THE
September 11, 2002
Volume XXXIV, Number One www.themedium.net
penis is good
The True Price of the War on Terrorism...
M ys ha m ei sp ut rid .
...The Medium Marches to War!
OPS. VS. ED ED.
“White is a combination of all colors, like the mixture of many semens...”
An open letter from your new Opinions and Editorials editor...
The Importance of Being Chandra The Politics of Lap Dancing
Dear Loving Reader, Many of you have followed over the years, with reckless passionate yearning, the rageful rantings of the Explicit Negro. He made us laugh, he made us cry, and once he made me defecate myself by ripping his shirt off and screaming, “the white boy is mine.” I never found out what he meant by that, be it a loving prelude to a sonata of manlove, or a bitter prelude to an aria of death, performed by none other than John Minus. Sadly, the old darky was put out to pasture this year, his anger was still strong, but his mind was going. When the Medium went up against the Wall Street Journal, to battle for free speech, and free porn, for your free speech and free porn, John Minus cracked under the pressure. In the heat of melee, John stopped in the middle of his argument and started purring. This was only the beginning. Before years end, he killed a young Jewish student and ate him. Later that same day, he bathed in the ground pulp of four thousand dung beetles which had been living, ostensibly in John’s dung, under his bed. Needless to say, we miss him terribly. But I hope that you will continue the same repartee that you had with the Explicit Negro with his succsessor. If not, it is entirely possible that John will find you, eat you, and feed your indigestible bones to the ravishing mandibles of the remaining two thousand dung beetles who still live with him. All the best - Ben Schachtman
Wednesday, September 11th, 2002
- jes devaraux
Has feminism gotten to the point where not only do women want to go 50/50 on everything, but are looking into role reversal as well?? It seems as if since the dawn of time, or at least as far back as I know (all 22 years) men go places to get lap dances (paying for play), or a woman seducing a man will give him a little dance to make the right things happen. So when did it happen that men are giving women lap-dances. I’m not referring to a Chip and Dales type of situation, or your bridal party, I’m referring to the romantic moment when you and your partner want to become intimate. Since when did it become sexy for a man to give a lap dance? This summer has been quite a learning experience for me; I saw and experienced things I never thought I would. A lap-dance however was an encounter that was…well, just plain old bizarre. You come across someone with whom there is undeniable magnetism, and the moment you think he’s going to go kiss you, he wraps his legs around your body like a woman and, well…begins to dance.
I had never seen or felt anything so strange (in the biblical sense) before. I had to remind myself “Jes, gender roles! Think gender roles!” In this situation I was the man, and he was the woman, it was freaky. So perhaps male lap-dances have reached new heights in society, perhaps the new sexual wave of the decade from seemingly normal males. Has your standard foreplay become outdated, do we really need that much more. Doesn’t anyone crave old-fashioned romance anymore, where a kiss actually meant something? Where courting is a necessary premise to a solid relationship? Where a man doesn’t feel necessarily compelled to be a freak in bed or even sleazy to be a turn on? Where you don’t whip your junk out on the first date? If evolution has taught us anything, it has taught us this, men have always performed certain roles, and women as well. That’s not to say that feminism is bad, if someone asked me if I were a feminist, I surely am. I have no qualms if my earnings are higher than my man’s, and I refuse to be treated with any less esteem than men wish upon themselves, but when it comes down to the sensual situations, isn’t that the core of it all? Is it not the nucleus of the atom that emerges from love? The one place and the one time we can revert back to our primordial gender roles, it’s all slipping away. (Ed. - Male lap dancing officaly became sexy when John Minus started doing it this year to pay for rent).
Explicit Cracker The only white male american with an opinion we have left...
When my mother gave birth to me, something she did as well as possible in the back of her (then brand new) 1981 Dodge Dart, it was into a hazzy world of low income housing, questionable standards of hygiene, and a diet that included more Miller High Life than water. It was not pretty, but then, neither was the back seat of the Dart after I shuffled onto the mortal coil. My dad pimped hard, and my mom tricked harder. They saved every penny. Even my cat let the neighborhood dogs hump it for spare change.
In time, I grew to love the way that cardboard tastes when slow cooked in Lasagna. When my parents realized that they too had the right to vote, they got drunk and had sex in the voting booth, producing my younger brother. When they had saved up enough money to buy a used Camaro, they had sex in that too, producing my sister. I didn’t mind that there was less hemp-rope spaghetti for me, because I so loved that car. I knew it was a sign that things were getting better.See? Blacks and After Asians a while, weCAN movedget out of the gazebo in the county park, and into an apartment complex. In our along. complex lived a well to do man of about twenty five. He worked part time a the movie theater. He got his movies for free, his women for relatively little, and he drove a brand new Camaro. Suddenly my sense of financial perspective was shattered. You see, poverty isn’t that bad until you know that you’re poor. Those little starving water-balloon-bellied kids in Uganda don’t know that not all children look like a severely depressed pear with
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Cover Your Ass With Gold Paint
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And Dance*
*Rutgers is not responsible for your pathetic, honky-ass attempt at dancing. Its your jig, you justify it.
Cover by: Martin Babitz & Liz Finelli
THE
MEDIUM
CONTENTS
fnord
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
four tooth picks stuck in them and a moldy pimento olive on top. From that day on, I vowed that I would do whatever it took to earn a brand new Camaro. Twelve years later, when the Medium offered me a job for $2.45 a year, I finally figured out how. I became the Explicit Cracker, and my story has just begun...
Bobby McGee, bartender supreme, once qouth: “If you don’t drink, the terrorists win.” Fucking A, Mr. McGee, Mother-Fucking A.
Martin Babitz Mike Ryan Mike ‘Stainy’ Stanley Ben Schachtman Carul Hu Ryan Beckman Aija McKenzie Jeff Buechner
Personals Editors Photography Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Online Editor Advertising Manager Staff Artist Senior Editor
Joe Rutgers Elizabeth Finelli Amy Groark Mike Wyzard Mike ‘Stained’ Stanley Stanley Tucci Amy Groark
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903 or emailed to mbabitz@eden.rutgers.edu. God is a paper bag full of poop. But he loves you.
Wednesday, September 11, 2002
NEWS Why go to a football game here?
“...Another year and Fran Lawrence is still President.”
Socs beat up by Grease Trucks By A. Rutgers Student
By Michael Stanley
STAFF WRITER
BUSINESS & AD MANAGER, PERSONALS ED.
In what is seen by many as the most violent gang war to ever take place on Rutgers Campus, several members of the “Soc” gang, a group of upper middle class, bourgeois youngsters who wear khaki pants and madras shirts were hospitalized after fighting with four grease trucks, witnesses said. Unconfirmed reports suggest that the Socs were violating their unspoken gang boundaries when they approached the stationary grease trucks, Elizabeth Finelli / PHOTO ED. located at the far end of College Avenue in New Brunswick. The grease trucks, known for their greasy hair, JamesDean style of dress, and lower class standing could not be reached for comment but have been known for violent behavior in the past only during pre-arranged By Carol Hu periods known as “gang rumbles” or NEWS EDITOR “grumbles”. Is this current incident a sign of more violence to come? Experts on gang You’ve read The Medium. You’ve seen warfare are split on the matter but all tend to agree that once one gets beat up by a truck, funny stuff (maybe). You’ve seen un-funny stuff. If which is incapable of moving, one, is a big you are an avid reader you know that some of the content just isn’t funny. The reason for this lack of fucking loser. funny is that everything submitted to us is printed, unless by some pure accident… we lose it. Another Your words or pictures could be here. explanation is that our staff writers and editors are Send your stuffs to carolhu@eden... not quite so… you know… there… but with our advanced college education our minds are being Extra Thick Chocolate Shake enlightened by the talented and highly intelligent expository writing staff.
The Medium prints “un-funny” articles
Lady Missing By Mike O’Neill STAFF WRITER
Scotch Plains resident Bertha Quagmeyer was reported missing to authorities last Friday by Scoops, a local ice cream store. Storeowner Phat Tites is the one who first noticed the absence of the abnormally large and unsightly customer, usually with stains resembling that of gravy on her moo-moo. “I just don’t get it. She’s been coming in everyday, sometimes even twice a day, for an extra thick chocolate milkshake for years. And I haven’t seen her in almost a full two days now. We even nicknamed her ‘The Extra Thick Chocolate Shake Lady’. As far as I know, she doesn’t actually have a real name.” Longtime Scoops employee Lindy Kurry tells The Medium, “So she gets this extra thick chocolate shake each time, and as if that’s not enough, she also gets a double scoop of ice cream to go. She claims it’s for her husband, but I don’t buy it. I mean come on, would you?” Local authorities are contemplating calling her home phone, to verify whether or not she is, in fact missing. If she can not be reached through such means, a drawing will be held next Monday at the police station to determine which officer must make the trek to her home only several blocks from the Municipal Building. If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of Bertha, well, no one seems to be very concerned, so don’t worry about it.
I am addressing you because we need funny articles and ideas to keep this paper alive! So help us and help me because I don’t know what funny is. Email your articles to carolhu@eden.rutgers.edu. P.S. If you have judged me and concluded that I am a no good talentless unfunny bastard, then you’re right. No, I am not lying. This is the truth. Oh yeah and come to a meeting if you think you can be my successor. Thank you for reading.
After losing two consecutive football games against horrendous teams, the Rutgers Sports officials feel that there is no reason for anybody to attend a game. Currently a student can receive a Rutgers football t-shirt at their first game, but in all honesty - why would anybody want one? This past Saturday there was free food available for any student attending the game and this was successful with boosting attendance. This tactic was used last year but students had to donate a meal to be allowed to dine before the game. However, Buffalo, a winless team, was able to defeat the Scarlet Knights to gain their first win and bump Rutgers down to the absolute basement of Division 1 football. When a university student was asked for a comment on whether or not he would return to a game this year, he said “Would I go to another RU game? Well, if it were us vs. us, I’d consider it since one of the Rutgers teams would have to win”.
rutgers getting trampled by buffalo 34-11
“If it were us vs. us, I’d consider it since one of the Rutgers teams would have to win”. -Rutgers Student
first meeting of the year @ livingston student center @ 9:30 pm, room 113
The sports officials were then faced with a problem. How could they get students to attend games just to see their team lose? After hours of pondering, a solution was found. It was decided that if a student attended any future football game they would receive a break on their tuition. This ludicrous idea was “the only way we thought students would go to the games,” commented an official who desired to remain anonymous. According to the new plans, once a student’s ID is swiped into the system at the gate it will record attendance at the game. Also, if and when a student uses his or her I.D. to purchase anything from the concession stands it will also be recorded and the student will be credited. The university hopes that their plan will make the university seem good enough to have a Division 1 football team, while every other team in the Big East secretly laughs at New Jersey’s feeble attempts to compete. An official from Miami said, “We’re currently discussing whether we want to donate some of our players to Rutgers so our games will be more competitive. Currently playing Rutgers in football is as challenging as… well... I can’t think of anything that easy, except maybe the girls there.”
send news articles to carolhu@eden.rutgers.edu
Let’s Go Scarlet Knights!
a favorite of the missing extra thick chocolate shake lady
Fact: Googol is a number (1 followed by 100 zeros).
FEATURES
“You’re Chinese? I thought you were Asian.”
Timmy’s Nap by George Baxter When I was younger I had a best friend named Timothy. He told me to call him Tim, but since I thought he was kind of a pussy I called him Timmy. So this story takes place on the last day of school. Timmy had been looking forward to the end of fourth grade for a long time. He’d had a rough year, his father had died and the other kids at school were far from sympathetic. Timmy had (The urine soaked pillow something of a glandular problem, for those of you that Timmy cried into for who can’t understand subtleties that means that hours as an endless Timmy was a chunky fatass. So anyway, Timmy stream of urine found its had invited me to sleep at his house the night school way out of me.) ended. After class everybody got up from their desks and Jimmy and I walked to his house. On our brief journey Jimmy told me that his mother had gotten a little weird since his father passed away. He said she was constantly worrying about his health and freaking out about trivial things. I didn’t really care about anything until he told me that the reason he brought it up was that his mother forced him to take a nap everyday after school so we was well rested. When we got to his house the first thing his mother did was bring us up to Jimmy’s room and inform us that we were to nap for half an hour before we could play. She then asked if either of us needed to use the bathroom and after both of us answered with a “no” she warned Jimmy, “Fine but don’t wet your bed, you don’t want to make a messy all over your friend do you?”. A little grossed out by this I forced Jimmy to use the bathroom before we got tucked into his bed. Too excited by the ending of school to sleep I just stared at the ceiling for a few minutes until I heard the asthmatic wheezing of a fat boy. When I turned to my right and saw ripples in Jimmy’s chubby little cheeks each time he inhaled I knew what I had to do. I was this kid’s only friend and as such I had certain responsibilities… so I slowly got up from the bed and walked towards the bathroom. I looked in the medicine cabinet for Jimmy’s inhaler but none could be found. I looked down at the toilet and remembered what Jimmy’s mother had said earlier. A few minutes later Jimmy’s mother walked upstairs to find us both sleeping in the bed, but Jimmy was covered in urine. His mother was furious and to punish him she made him dance around doing the “Truffle Shuffle”. I smiled and laughed at him do his little fat boy dance, all the while remembering how good it felt to piss all over Jimmy’s sleeping body. ...and Viagra will make your wang fall off.
Good thing that Chinaman shot mine off in ‘nam.
Come To The Medium Meeting tonight at the Livingston Student Center at 9:30 room 113.
Bring nude pictures of your mother to trade with others.
Wednesday, September 11th, 2002
Write for Features and <insert person who you would most like to fuck> will lick your asshole for hours. Send Features stuff to Ryanbeck@eden.rutgers.edu. You can send poetry, short fiction, stupid crap, comics and basically anything else so... send stuff to RyanBeck@eden.rutgers.edu
Friends don’t let friends piss all over themselves... so please if on this holiday weekend you see that one of your friends is passed out drunk... urinate on them.
Gee, I sure wish someone would urinate on me!
I’m about to suck your dick you silly son of a bitch!
Know what I love?
I know you just shampooed but...
can I cum in your hair... you dirty little man?
Yeah, a Limo filled with dead hookers.
This space was left empty in memory of all those sock puppets who have died as strong members of the community... but since I had to write this there isn’t really any space left... so I guess the sock puppets One get fucked by the man again... thanks MAN, fuck. With each touch the snake crackles, sending seismic ripples throughout me. Craving flesh it entangles while looking laughing licking her lips she waits for the electric current Wrath of the Penguin to jolt our bodies Beneath lugubrious and icy waters they plot into corruptive darkness In a sang-froid manner. Waiting and calling where things are felt, Rumpelstiltskin’s name. Make him scream Not seen. From the cavity containing mint flavored toothpicks That search out life’s formerly floor ridden sweet-tarts. Empty Vagina, vagin Sinister penguins finalize plans to take over the world because a vagina. And so Metric meters replaced their savored yard, spawning productivity. on. Vagina vagina Conversions stall their endoplasmic reticulum and force vaginAAMCO to The pretentious Plasmoids to fan the flames That cut earth’s respiration. “Send the fix your transmition Destructive mammals onto a tightrope of twine, and watch as they problems Look for a cartoon eraser to remove the fall. vaginaamco to fix your vagina’s The pencil still etches and sketches A mobile shark tank to catch the dizzy.” transmition.
Wednesday, September 11, 2002
“How long does it take for chicken to heal?”
tiny boobies are silly....
The Medium’s Beauty Emergency
ARTS
Poetry, Music, Theatre, and
Porny Porn Porn! Submit to Arts! Shorty_fat_fat@yahoo.com
Help! My Boobs have deflated! What to do when your new size 2 body comes with ping pong sized knockers. By Girl on Her Back So you’ve busted your ass all summer to get a bottom that screams “bite me!,” abs that would make any washboard jealous and a body so petite that even the puniest of white boys could lift you without breaking a sweat…only problem is that somewhere in the course of losing all those pounds the ripe melons which you were once so proud to parade in front of anything with a penis…seem to have shrunk to the size of small avocados. Don’t despair. You don’t have to become a fat lard again (hmmm…do I resent that? - Arts) in order to get those beautiful boobies back! YOUR DREAMS OF BEING A POSTER GIRL FOR HOOTERS CAN STILL BE RECOGNIZED! Just follow any one or combination of the following suggestions and you too can be the top-heavy whore I always wanted to be.
Option 1: Get Implants. Drawbacks: This is (from what I’ve heard) a painful and really expensive (particularly on a Brower employee’s salary) process. Oh and you can tell the difference. Advantages: Surgery will give you the perfect tits to match your new ass, not to mention provide your man (if you don’t have one you will after this operation) with lots of tit-fucking fun (hmm…not that much fun for girls - Arts) that your previous sorry-looking rack wouldn’t have been able to accommodate.
Option 2: Invest in Wonder-Bras. Drawbacks: That “I’m living a lie” guilt that you’ll feel every time you walk out your front door and more importantly, the look of disappointment and horror on a man’s face every time he sees you topless for the first time. Advantages: The constant ogling and your newfound, superhuman ability to cause traffic accidents.
Option 3: Experiment with birth control pills containing high levels of Estrogen. Drawbacks: In short, really painful pom-poms. You won’t be able to sleep on your chest, it will hurt like a bitch to run, jump, jiggle or go braless, and you won’t want your breasts to be touched EVER! You’ll experience all the I-want-to-die! sideeffects that accompany pill-popping, including but not limited to unwanted, sideshowfreak quality facial hair, mood swings that would put any bi -polar personality type to shame, and so many yeast infections that you’ll be able to start up your own yogurt chain. Worst of all, between the sore boobs and the incessant vaginal itching and burning not only will you never want to be touched by a man, let alone have sex, the experience will most likely fuck you up so badly you’ll want to have your uterus and breasts cashed in for a penis. Advantages: Bigger boobs ( ‘cause they’ll be terribly swollen) and you can have as much sex as you want, like without getting pregnant! ☺ teehee!
Option 4: Get Pregnant. Drawbacks: Getting fat, again more mood swings (messing with hormones can be a bitch sometimes), going through that whole labor thing, and of course that horribly smelly, annoying and attention deprived little poop-machine that is gunna stretch out your vagina in 9 months and make even the largest black man’s penis a tiny ship in the abyss which is to soon be your love hole. Advantages: Larger breasts during the pregnancy, birth and nursing stages and the money you’ll save on milk. Cheerios and breast milk-The Breakfast of Champions.
Option 5: Find a man who’s willing to give up all his time and just stand behind you holding up your naked breasts all day. Drawbacks: Well obviously having this pervert touching your breasts all day. Constantly being half naked in public and having other women stare at you in disgust. Advantages: For some reason breasts held up with hands always look incredibly sexy. No one will be paying attention to the size of your breasts, not to mention the size of a squashed boob is always misleading. The pervert holding your tits will leave your own hands free to do normal daily tasks. And most importantly, every man who passes by will not only wish he were the one holding your boobies, but he’ll get to check out your new washboard abs. Now that’s return on hard work. ☺
A lettter from the Editor or The Arts Section Sillybus As you treat your Orientation Week STDs, take the time and submit some shit to Arts. Here at the Medium, the Arts section is...”loosely defined.” You can bullshit your way into saying anything is art, so here’s what we’re gonna discuss this semester... Fashion: What anorexic/obese girls shouldn’t wear Sex: What you can do to make girls happy (there’s always time for cunnilingus) Music/Theatre: Review your ex-roommate’s brother’s band and send it to me Poetry: Wanna do the poetry corner thing? Send me absurd limericks and thoughtful haiku and all other things relating to arts...without being one of those whiny pretensious NYU kids...
Get to know your new Arts Editor! (Biblically, that is) Come to a Medium Meeting! Tonight at 9:30 Livingston Student Center, Room 113 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 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Ian’s Haiku Corner
The Sea stretches out Daylight fades on broken waves The little girl sobs Naked Naked Sex I am the nipple monger Do not anger me
I am so Irish Guiness beer runs in my veins Fuck your Union Jack Fuck this Haiku shit I can’t wait to smoke a bowl That is where it’s at. I know I’m crazy My face is on the cover I’m the sad, bald clown
Personals This personal is to the RU computer lab, why the fuck can’t you stay open past midnight when it’s the second week of school already? It’s funny how all of you “technicians” are really a bunch of big losers who lack the social skills to get real paying jobs! Deliver me from the College Avenue Computer Labs! To the fat skanky bitch with no vagina, I hope all of your orifices seal themselves up and you explode and send all the dead animals you’ve consumed to freedom. (No vagina... what use is this “woman”... she better be able to cook) To the asshole i wish would die more than anything else... DIE. You are the most anger inducing human being in existance... you should become a fat person so nobody would care about you. To that jackass of a guy in my creative writing class... stop wearing those emo glasses... yeah we know you’re a “deep guy” that’s why you’re in the class (Every year the people who write these get dumber and dumber) To those fucking “French Canadians” i lived with last year, you fuckin fags suck each other’s cocks all night long... I hope one of you chokes on a dick, MY DICK that is because I am gay as well so come and get it boys... eat my cock Balls4U@aol.com. This personal is to that whore who was in my stat class last semester. I saw you working in the mall this summer and I so felt like taking a nice hot steamy nut filled shit on your ugly face. I can’t believe that you were hired to work in a public place not the sweatshop you were in last year. I hope I run into you this year, and when I saw run into you I mean with my car of course! (There is nothing better then putting a bodily fluid on a hated one, and well... sometimes a loved one) Ilene sorry about that weekend we all got way too into the Dixie and the Midnight Runners song. Well they say once you go bukkake you never go back so, welcome to the club you dirty dirty girl. (How can you comment on that song without the horrible cover by Save Ferris?)
“It’s my first time, please go easy.”
Wednesday, September 11, 2002
You stupid sluts who decided to just throw your garbage all over the ground in the Voorhees Mall today you deserve to die, or better yet the 1) No printing full names or really obvious first names. population should be able to their garbage or whatBad Example: Dear Ryan “Evil” Beckman you suck throw ever they want. and I hate you so much, DIE! Dear Brian: Good Example: Dear MS you’re the best guy in the You are such a filty cock sucker. I can’t believe you did world, I can’t wait to get my hands all over you next week. what you did and I hope you know that we all hate you. If xoxoxo we see you around campus you’ll definately regret what 2) No printing of room numbers or phone numbers, use tele- you did to us. Don’t even bother trying to ammend things phone booths and bathroom walls for that kinda stuff! with us. Nice way to back out of things in the last minute cock gobbler! 3) We can only accept personals that have been sent from To that faggot friend who so Rutgers e-mail addresses, because we need to cover our asses. wants to be like me. I know you wish you still had me as a Rutgers email accounts are from eden or rci accounts. friend because I am what you wish you were. Have fun getting fucked in the asshole by That means we can’t take personals sent from everybody! ILoveTheBahaMen@aol.com or ILoveTheBahaMen To the personals editor of whom we all will miss so much. @yahoo.com but from ILoveTheBahaMen@eden is all good! It’s so sad to see you leave but you’ve said you’ll be back. I plan on holding you to your 4) You can’t escape the danger! words Mister. If you don’t come back I’m telling Uncle Jesse and you’re in big big 5)The more personals you send in the better the personals trouble Mister! I’m sure you will be. Send in as many as you want! Make fun of your don’t want Uncle Jesse after you! friends, enemies or even lovers. It’s all fair game with the (I’d be careful because I’ve heard that Danny Tanner Medium! [Bob Saget] enjoys doing anal. Anywhere Uncle Jesse is Danny Tanner isn’t too far Be sure to send in any personals to stainey@witty.com To Priest Holmes, I would like Sean, you're killing me. I adore Hey weird girl in my Intro to behind if you know what I to give you a blowjob for your you and your ways of being, I Music class. I bet you don’t mean. Behind.. hahaha) stunning NFL performance on just wish you could see how remember me. Well does fallMy art history professor Sunday You are on my fantasy much so. So when you get a ing water from a 3rd floor winpronounces Charles, like team and now I feel smart be- chance, shoot me. always, bea dow ring a bell? If it doesn’t Chaules and it annoys the cause i picked you. You have (I wonder what she wants to you’re as stupid as your hairhell out of me. the same initials as Preparation be shot with... hm.. my guess cut.. hahaha WHORE! H, and just like the cream, you is banana juice) Mmmm.. Pie. Come to the Medium saved my ass! And yes, I know Hey Marci remember me I’m the guy you got with this week- Meeting this Wednesday 9:30 PM in that's a horrible joke. (Why, I chose Dante end. I recall saying to you that room 113 of the Livingston Student Culpepper in my draft and he it was just a beauty mark I had had three turnovers but he down there. Well when I said Center. There will be punch and pie. still did quite well, and actu- beauty I really meant herpes, We promise. ally has the same initials as sucks for you. Dick Cream a man’s best (Hey guy, the funny thing is when Marci said she was friend... or so I’ve heard) To that astronaut that moved Marci she really meant Marc into my neighborhood last year the resident transvestite at it’s all your fault that all the Rutgers University. Enjoy leaves fell off my oak tree. We explaining that to your don’t need any of your moon friends after bragging how you blew up her spot) cheese babies! Sean you suck. I hope you get (Well I’d hate to break it for herpes from some stupid you but it’s called fall and it whores here so I can laugh happens every year!) when you find out how great I Hey freshman guys learn that am and what you’ve lost. no means no even if you think Know that I would have done anything you’d have wanted, I’m a skanky ass ho! and when I say anything I mean (Oh no he didn’t!) anything.
The rules of the Personals
Wednesday, September 11, 2002 To that guy sitting in front of me in Descartes: you were flaking and shedding all over my desk. I had to move my things 4 inches away from you. To top it all off you kept stretching backwards, forcing me to back up or I would be blinded by your "snowflakes." Please don't sit in front of me ever again. I could barely concentrate because I was focusing on how gross you were. (Next time you’re behind him in class be sure to yell loud how it’s snowing inside and it’s only September either that or light his hair on fire) to those drama queens, get a fucking life You kids today don’t realize that flushing toilets didn’t always exist… there was time when certain girls would be used as urinals… these girls have evolved into frat sluts. The people we used to take dumps on are the fine fellows in the frats. It was great b/c nobody used or needed toilet paper… they licked it clean. (These girls are sill around today they can be seen around the frats doing anything for some liquor. It makes one feel warm and tingely inside to know that even though time passes the age old traditions stay the same.) My dad always used to tell me… boy you do that again and I’ll take the electric cord to you… so I’d suck his wang some more and he’d beat me… god I miss him (Man, it sure is great to read about some true man love. It has gotten so much harder for men to be loving together in 2002. Two thumbs up to you sick fucker!) To carol… you’re asian… hahaha. (It’s nice to see a change being that “Carol” was made fun of because she was asian not a female)
Your ad could be here!
But instead it’s empty and the people reading this could be reading your add. So send in your ads to stanleym@eden.rutgers.edu We want your ads in our paper!
“Noooooo... Tuvoc’s never going home!”
Personals
311 you are the best band in the world. You totally rocked the Sprite tour when all of the other bands sucked. The 2nd best part of the concert was all of the fights where man people got their asses kicked. I couldn’t believe that I saw Come to this weeks meeting: those four fights many of which were totally kick ass. I can’t Livingston Student Center wait until you guys put out your Room 113 new cd this summer. I’ll be waiting to buy that as soon as 9:30PM it comes out. I think you’re Bring all your friends! going to choose 3-11 as the To that hot chick Amy on my Ben. I have been waiting for Ugly Man: I committed release day since it’s a very floor… I think you’re hot and you for a long time. You said it bestiality! special day for you guys. 311 I’m sweating you bad. Will you would be just a few minutes. Counselor: You didn’t know keep rocking! I'm just sitting here waiting. she was an ape when you let me shit on your face? Why is it that everytime I go to waiting and thinking. thinking had sex with her. get into a bus on Douglass it’s (What ever happened to scary, scary thoughts. Scary Ugly Man: But I had sex always packed with a bunch of taking a girl out on a nice and sexy. Let's go have scary, with a dog, too. idiots? I can’t stand being next dinner a movie date? Oh scary sex. Here's the deal, Counselor: Did you know it to little stupid girls who don’t yeah that’s right it’s Ben. If you speak to me be- was a dog when you had sex know how to stand in place or Rutgers the morals and fore this personal is sent, I'll with it? more stupid girls who can’t standards have gone out make love you to on the floor Ugly Man: Yes. seem to pay attention to which the windows) under this very computer. If stop we’re at and they need to to the creative juices that you don't, we can still go get (Once again another UCB reference.. keep sending ‘em yell for the bus driver to stop flowed out of my oops some coffee. in kids! UCB is great with the bus and then cry when he why do you hurt me everyday (I think that he wants to get me!) says “Suck it you little whore, when all I want to do is be nice some pizza. When I say pizza I know you want to.” Then the to you? you should be mas- I mean he wants a pizza-ass! Lily you are the hottest asian little whore goes down on her girl that lives in the room that saging my thighs with Essence knees and starts up a huge he didn't talk to me. has the kick ass TV in it. Good until I melt and drip away, but (Why would a guy pass up at thing you don’t have VD like fucking traffic jam that stops me instead you threaten me and from getting to my class on some ass.. wait.. Herpes) most of the girls at Rutgers or I you try to put a fork in my ear time. Damn you, you stupid there is this real annoying girl might not talk to you. We so little whores you screw up so so you can eat my brain have to drink and play hours (We hurt you because we love that goes into my room and upon hours of video games damn much. You have you own you, haven’t you ever seen a does that, i dont even like her next time I’m in your apart- campus so take all of your but she thinks I do classes there! made for TV movie?) ment. (I’m sure he lied a tad about To my rugby friend: Here’s a fun game to play… (Videogames and liquor are the whole blow-job scenario. That party I was at last try jerking off while thinking of such a great combination. I’ve been on Douglass many year was pretty damn near each girl on your floor without It’s comparable to Rutgers a times and never seen a kick ass! I really hope spanking to the same girl twice. football and heavy drinking whore do that there, however there are some more crazy after we lose the games. I have seen the girls act like (Here is an even more fun parties where beer is Maybe we can win a game idiots and I’ve wanted to game, play this game while thrown all over the place. this season...and maybe not!) throw them out the buses. Of in a lecture hall while using WEDNESDAY IS A To a wonderful staff this se- course I’d throw them out in this Medium as your cover!) WHACKING DAY. mester. I’m so glad we’re all a gentile way.) Is that what your little note ilovemartinscock.com together to put a totally kick A new car built by my says? It must be hard living It smells like poo, it smells like your life off a couple of ass paper together this se- company leaves somewhere crap. It smells like poison or scraps of paper. You mix mester. I’m sure we’ll have traveling at 60 mph. The rear tree sap. Why does it smell like your laundry list with your our problems, but I know differential locks up. The car a smear of pap, as the rutgers grocery list you’ll end up we’ve got it all together to be crashes and burns with bus drives all over the map? the best paper on all of everyone trapped inside. eating your underwear for Rutgers. Now, should we initiate a (Don’t get me started on breakfast. Dear Lilyrecall? Take the number of those Rutgers buses. Hope- (Why yes it is my little note Hello once again. I’d love to vehicles in the field, A, fully there won’t be any bus and my name is Leonard. You give a shoot out to all my multiply by the probable rate accidents with BUILDINGS must remember Sammy friends all over Rutgers Camof failure, B, multiply by the this year) Jankis if you want to live) pus. Ride til you die. 2002. average out-of-court Hey Melissa, I ran into you to the annoying bitch down the Opie and Anthonysettlement, C. A times B on the EE bus today. It was hall, stop getting under my I miss you two guys so much. times C equals X. If X is less nice to talk to you after not goddamn covers in my bed It totally sucks that you were than the cost of a recall, we seeing you in such a long when you come into my room. taken off the air just for having don’t do one. time. We should catch up you smell and i hate you sex in a church. I really hope (That reminds me of an with some coffee or hard (What he really means is that you guys can find another equation they use here at liquor. Please respond that he wants to take the station to broadcast from be- Rutgers. back to me in the personJeep Liberty for a ride, he’s cause we all miss you guys so If 75% of the girls have VD als of look me up in the way too tired of using the much. WOW it’s Wednesday! and you have no chance with Student Directory. Hummer) Whores, whores, whores. It (I also hope our best friends the 25% of the girls who Check out some older seems all the dirty whores O&A can find another place don’t have VD. How many M e d i u m s come to Rutgers and dirty up to be. WOW changed times a day do you masturwww.themedium.net Wednesdays for everyone!) bate?) the whole campus.
Be sure to send in all your dirty dirty requests or grievances to:
stainey@witty.com
What’s Shakin’
“If things don’t work out, you can always just trash everyone.”
Wednesday, September 11, 2002
September 11 Commemorative Events Of Montreal with special guests Regia Thursday, Sept. 19 The Knitting Factory, NYC admission only $10
Tree and Stone Dedication Ceremony - 10 am on Old Queens Lawn New Brunswick Remembrance Ceremony - 12:00 noon at New Brunswick Public Library, Welton & Livingston Ave. Rutgers Remembers - begins 7:00 pm at the College Ave. Gym
these people get special placement because they submitted their event to
orgykarma@yahoo.com
Jersey Fresh! Fri 9/13 - Shades Apart - Birch Hill Fri 9/13 - Dream Theater - PNC Bank Arts Center Fri 9/13 - Gotham - The Tradewinds Sat 9/14 - Andrew WK - Birch Hill Sat 9/14 - Quiet Riot - The Stone Pony Sun 9/15 - Indigo Girls, K’s Choice - PNC Bank Arts Center Mon 9/16 - Butch Walker - Birch Hill Tues 9/17 - Homegrown, Mest, Dingus, The Dissenters - Birch Hill Fri 9/20 - Incubus, 30 Seconds To Mars - PNC Bank Arts Center Sat 9/21 - Snapcase, Boy Sets Fire - Birch Hill
Underground Poets Railroad - a benefit for the families of black firefighters lost on 9/11 - Knitting Factory, NYC
Medium Meeting Tonight!! 9:30 @ Livingston Student Center room 113
New Yawk Thur 9/12 - John Scofield - Irving Plaza Thur 9/12 - The Slackers, Turbo AC’s Knitting Factory Fri 9/13 - Stephanie Mills - Beacon Theatre Fri 9/13 - The Slackers, Lost City Angels Knitting Factory Sun 9/15 - Snapcase, International Noise Conspiracy - Irving Plaza Mon 9/16 - Le Tigre - Irving Plaza Andrew WK: the hidden dangers of reckless headbanging