THA
MEDIUM
The People’s Entertainment Weekly of Beautiful Miracles September 18, 2002
“Uggh, light a candle for God’s sake, Di,” says 3rd Rock’s French Stewart
XXXIV, Number 2
In this week’s Issue: Spotlight on Religion...
Before
Reincarnation!
er!
. op po
po op .
The Medium in no way means this image to offend the thousands and thousands of lonely women who look to Di’s spirit for guidance and support. May her legend burn against the wind for all time.
Aft
Cold thuggin’ it.
Hey kids! I exist for people to poop in my mouth!
EDITORIALS
“It’s not the mescaline, mom...its you! You’re the problem!”
Minus Ten Yards -John Minus It was bound to happen. Really, if you look at it, it makes perfect sense. The New England Patriots spent the entire off-season angry. Seething. Brooding. They had their Rings, and still they were pissed off. So they, angry, unloved, and unwanted, trained harder and harder, day after day, and now you see what has come of it. When I watched the Jets game this weekend I got a strange feeling. I am sure it is what the Japanese must have felt when they watched Godzilla rise out of Tokyo Harbor. Or maybe the feeling Dr. Frankenstein had when he saw his creation rampage through town. Or maybe what CyberDyne programmers felt when SkyNet decided to kill off the entire human race. In short, I thought, “My God, what have we done.” And yes, it is what have WE done, because we are all guilty of indifference towards the Patriots. Outside of Massachusetts, nobody gave them a snowballs’ chance in hell of going to the Super Bowl again. And now look what we have, a super-charged football team that has sustained itself on nothing but hate and underestimation since last January. So naturally, the Patriots are running roughshod over every team they have come across. And I see no reason to believe that they are going to stop anytime soon. After the Jets game, I’m sure they wanted to fly to St. Louis, lock all of the Giants in their locker room, and beat the Rams again just to show everyone that they could. With the way the Rams have been playing its fairly obvious that the Patriots would wreck them. Hell, since the Miami Dolphins have apparently confused themselves with the Miami Hurricanes, I don’t think any NFC team stands a chance against the AFC East. The Jets and Bills may not be quite as dangerous, but I were I oh, say, Mike Martz, I would much rather play Indianapolis than anybody even remotely associated with the Patriots. In fact I would I think we all should get ready for a Miami or Patriots vs. (dare I say it?) Saints or Bucs Super Bowl. Denver is making a lot of noise out there in the West, but if they have to play the New England Monsters or the Miami Dolphins/Hurricanes, they don’t have a prayer. P.S. Has anyone noticed how much Tony Dungy and Herm Edwards look alike? And they both used to work in Tampa Bay. Hmmm…
Jim Conroy Sneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaks one in past the editors... It is under the moon that we dance the dance of Narinder, Dark Lord of Vestus, crusher of souls. Only this week, we had to cut our dance short because of the influx of infidels into our ceremonial grounds. By infidels, I of course mean 40something fatsos drunk not on eleven blood, but cheap beer in celebration of the local football team’s improbable victory over the United States’ Armed Forces. Zaravustra was unkind that night, as apparently in a victory parade, these balding fatasses stumbled upon our bathing ritual and started shouting things about beer, and foot-ball. Hundreds of these trampled right through, paying not in penitence, but in sad, drunken stories of old victories from over two decades ago. I truly pity them, and their sweaty homebound wives. May cloven-hooved snakebabies be born to them and their “home-coming” night bar-line-creating ass-fucking lot. There is a name for these pathetic wastes… they are called “alum nigh.” Hello readers, and welcome to another semester of The Medium. I hope you enjoyed the last issue, assuming that anyone actually received it at all.
Have a fondness for blended baby-flesh? Send your favorite dinner recipes and opinions to collegeben@hotmail.com and we can do lunch!
Page Page Page Page Page Page
2 3 4 5 6 7
Eating Babies Will Save The Human
Page 8
Race*
*The Medium is not responsible for the consumption of your infant, so no suing!
Cover by: Martin Babitz & Carol Hu
MEDIUM
CONTENTS
THE fnord
Wednesday, September 18th, 2002
EXPLI CIT CR ACKER ! TM
“Saying the things far too incredibly ignorant for the average man to say.”
THIS WEEK’S INSTALLMENT: AN IMMODEST PROPOSAL... Last Friday, whilst eating my celebratory post week feast of stolen meat scraps and cardboard, it came to my attention that there is an issue that touches all of us. Despite the hard work of Republican, Militant Zionists and dirty caveinhabiting Afghani terrorist cells, many of us still believe that there are some ties that bind humanity together. Perhaps it is a love of puppies, or fellatio, or maybe it is that we all feel the struggle for peace and happiness, or maybe we all just really hate anal canker sores, but deep inside, most of us feel that there is a universal, a transcedent bond between all people. I believe that more than anything, that bond is hunger. We all get hungry. You the well financed preperatory school playboy may hunger for niave virgin industry sectors to ravage with your investment leverage. You the self-hating, low seft-esteeming, disresepcted, unpublished and washed-up Rutgers professor may hynger for grant money and a position at a real university. Even you, yes you, my neighbor, the haggered crack dealing KMart training course drop-out may hunger for, well, crack. But we all hunger. More specifically, I mean that most primal of all hungers, the hunger for food. Yes, we all get hungry. Sitting in my newly leased Chevroley Camaro, I thought about hunger, and the world. I started thinking about world hunger, and how its less about how are actual planet is hungry, and more about how people all over the planet are hungry. It made me pretty sad, and I felt pretty guilt eating my meat-paste and cardboard sandwich when so many children in Uganda are starving. Making fun of them last week was just a cheap ploy to make myself feel better, when in reality, their struggle is my struggle. I vowed not to joy ride in my Camaro, trying to pick up high school girls using the throaty growl of my Camaro’s dual exhaust alone to interest them, until I had helped contribute to at least partially starting to work on the problem of world hunger which so vexed me. Later that night, making Jose Cuervo slushies, I got an idea. My blender can blend just about anything. Its why I bought it. Once I put a whole pineapple in it, and it blended the whole thing into an evenly mixed puree. I was blending the ice and tequila, adding beer for consistency, when one of those commericals came on, the ones with the starving kids from Uganda. I looked at the two children on the screen, they looked so hungry. Then I drank some tequila, and looked so more. Then it hit me. The problem of hunger is also the problem of there-being-to-manydamned-little-children-from-Uganda. It seemed simple enough, but no one had tried to address the two problems simultaneously. But, then again, not everyone appreciates the aesthetic grace of the Chevrolet Camaro’s optional sculpted hood with intake grate and aerodynamic flow enabling design. The solution seemd as simple as a Cracker-meal casserole, and it came to me from the whinning drone of a Quesanart. If there were only half as many children, they could all be fed, if only there was a way to get the food to them. However, if one half of the children in Uganda could be liquified into a protien feed, perhaps at a large industrial childblenderizing facility, then the problem of food disturbution and production could be solved. Some may call in Quesanart infanticide, but I call it progress. Like anti-lock brakes, lite beer, and the combination birth control and diet pill, blending up children from Uganda into a nutrious soup and feeding it to the other children in Uganda is the best idea in the whole world ever. I’m just glad I thought of it before all those children starved to death.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
Martin Babitz Mike Ryan The Stain Narcboy Carol Who? Ryan Beckman Aija McKenzie Jeff Buechner
Personals Editors Photography Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Online Editor Advertising Manager Staff Artist Senior Editor
Manly McMan Sultry Shegirl Libit Finelli Amy Groark Mike Wyzard The (other) Stain E.A. Finestuff Amy Groark
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08901 or emailed to prometus@hotmail.com. We have no phone number. Send peyote to us by mail.
“mushrooms in a car... and the football team actually won a game!”
Wednesday, September 18, 2002
An Interview with the Chief by carol hu NEWS EDITOR
have you been screwed by rutgers? “the chief,” jimmy has been screwed, read his story.
Defecation is fun by roger taylor STAFF WRITER
New Brunswick- Scientists from Rutgers University's research labs have announced today that defecation is indeed a lot of fun, a conclusion reached years of extensive research a and f surveying. t e Headr researcher Oliver Ferguson was ecstatic about the results of the lengthy project. "I myself am a big fan of defecation," Ferguson said. "I've long suspected that it was a fun thing to do. Now we have scientific proof." When some fat, white guy, who was roaming the campus looking for "tang", was asked about what he thought about the research he replied with much gusto, "there are few things I like better in the world than taking a big crap. Come to think of it, there isn't anything, except for masturbation…and sandwiches. I do like sandwiches." The full batch of research will be released to the public on…hang on, the fat guy is butting in again… "I wonder if there is some way I could combine the three? Maybe I could sit on a toilet and eat with one hand while I masturbate with the other…" the cracker pontificated.
○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○
We give up.
Carol: Jimmy, why do you hate rutgers? Jimmy: cause financial aid sucks. C: how did they screw you? J: i didn’t get full coverage, they took my housing and classes away, and on top of that i got raped by the dean. C: where did the dean screw you, exactly? J: in my ass. C: and did you enjoy it? J: to a certain extent, it was my first time, you know. there was a bit of clenching. C: because rutgers screwed you and took away your housing and classes, what are you doing with your life? J: heroine and prostitution.
News
C: so do you think that everyone rutgers has screwed, resorts to heroine and prostitution? J: i’d say that a high percentage does. when people get their refund checks they just spend it on crack. C: i’d agree. ever since i got screwed i also became a heavy drug user and sold my body. Would you recommend rutgers as a place of higher institution for prospective students? J: definitely if you don’t mind being raped, beaten, robbed, and being molested in class. C: i’d imagine your asshole is quite loose and swollen at this point, go home and smoke some crack.
Ford Probe Rams into Jeep Liberty, Bystanders Amused by collin marchiando STAFF WRITER
In what has been called the funniest car accident in New Brunswick since the Review staff learned how to drive. A 1987 Ford Probe rear-ended a 2002 Jeep Liberty on Monday. Bystanders and rescue workers both found the accident to be quite the comical episode.
A Probe right into the back of a Jeep Liberty?
New Brunswick wildlife officials OK deer hunting during mating season. BY MIKE SMITH STAFF WRITER
DALE SARVINO, EMT
“A Probe right into the back of a Jeep Liberty? I couldn't stop laughing when I heard the call,” commented EMT Dale Sarvino, one of the first to arrive on the scene. While most of the laughter took place at the scene, the comical aspect of the situation has yet to end. Amongst the broken glass and mangled bits of car still left on Easton Avenue, where the accident occurred, many residents are still giggling. Area bag lady, Sandra Jackson told reporters, “A PROBE and a LIBERTY. Do you get it? It might as well been a COCK up an ASS. This is so fucking funny and disgusting at the same time. If only I could have gotten it on tape.” As for those involved in the accident, all were killed on impact.
www. t h e m e d i u m . n e t
don’t cry over a little spilt milk. join the medium. we’ll share our milk and make you feel a whole lot better.
Come join the fun at livingston student center 9 pm, room 113
send news articles to carolhu@eden.rutgers.edu
After searching for countless humane ways to deal with the increasing deer problems on Livingston, New Brunswick wildlife officials have agreed to allow students to shoot them for recreation during their mating season. Students will now be able to posses . 22 caliber rifles in their dormitories for the sole purpose of picking off deer from their windows. After shooting the deer, students have the option of either selling it to the dining hall or leaving the carcass there to rot and making campus maintenance earn their money. New Brunswick wildlife officials are also encouraging students to save the antlers to stimulate the assholes of all of the bus drivers who drive like they are paraplegics. This recent uprising against the deer population is an effort to keep the deer under control during mating season. Last Saturday, a group of students walking home from a late night on College Ave. were attacked by a herd of horny deer. The female deer proceeded to stomp on the students heads, while the male deer continuously humped the heterosexual students. You can learn more of the attacks on the hit television show "When horny animals hump" airing on the RU network next Wednesday.
Features
“Who put the bop in the bop shu bop du wop...? The Hamburglar.”
Why Are Sluts Fat?
If you lower your expectations, you'll be happier By: Mike Stanley Some things really piss me off. The two biggest things are stupid people and people who complain, so therefore the biggest thing is stupid people who complain. I have a solution for these stupid, whiny people- simply lower your expectations. I know some simple-minded idiots come into the dining halls here expecting a home-cooked meal (or, as funny as this sounds) even halfway decent food. Sorry, but your expectations are not going to be met by far, unless your home diet consisted of sharing dog bones and half-eaten Hot Pockets with the family. When you sit down at the grimy Brower tables to eat, you’re optimistic that what's in front of you should taste good, but of course this is far from the case when the putrid smell reaches your nostrils. Don't worry, I’ve got the solution to your problem- simply don’t expect the food to taste good, expect it to taste like how it’s supposed to be. Here are some examples: -You choose pizza...hope the bread isn’t stale -You choose soup...hope they covered up the piss taste with rotting vegetables -You choose any type of food at all and find hair...hope the hair isn’t pubes See, lower your standards and you’ll find yourself happier, it’s a proven fact. Now this idea just doesn’t apply to food at Rutgers. Apply it to parties, classes, and even members of the opposite sex. Imagine going out hoping to find a female who was the woman of your dreams. Now that’s not very likely, especially at STD-U but looking for a girl whose conscious makes finding someone so much easier. But still, chances are she's got more herpes sores than a leper with a really bad case of herpes. This idea works best at our football games. Trust me, I’ve tested it both this year and last year. Last year we lost to Miami 61-0, and next week we’d be facing Virginia Tech. I simply hoped we’d lose my less or even score. Surely enough we lost 50-0 and I was a little happier with the ability of our school's team. I wasn’t ecstatic, but surely my expectations were met. With the recent losses to Buffalo and Villanova the opportunity arose to retest my theory. My hopes for this past Sunday’s game weren’t very high, simply that we’d score on the winless Black Knights. Amazingly we were able to defeat the Knights 44-0; by far my expectations were blown away. Now, since we’ve won a game I won’t let my hopes become too ridiculous, next week when we play Pittsburgh I am once again hoping we can score, meaning if we do, I’m a very happy camper.
Wednesday, September 18th, 2002
By Blake Nixon You ever notice that pretty girl who all the asshole guys sweat, is always pure and sweet. And then finally, one of the assholes manages to put it in her asshole. And she just explodes and fucks them all and puts on like 20 pounds and is just their little pass around fuck toy until she turns fat and starts fucking everyone who will stick their meaty wang in her. I thought about why this occurs and came up with two working theories. One, she's probably being double teamed at least half the time, plus the extracurricular head the little chode guzzlin whore is giving, which results in many many more shots to the throat than a normal human could take. That's a lot of semen she's swallowing so, either A) Semen is really fattening, which attests for some Lions can eat up to half their of it or B) the semen lines the stomach much like body weight in a single the mucus wall already there, except this one sitting... I can eat my entire body weight in cum... of doesn't help to process anything, it coats the food and blocks off the sphincter which holds all the course as I eat I gain weight food in her stomach. As it sits, the stomach has no so I need to keep eating cum choice but to eject it straight into the bloodstream, to “eat my weight in cum” where it is deposited in that rapidly developing layer but when I eat more cum I’m of semen blubber forming on her once hot body. fatter and must eat more to reach my weight... this is the My other theory is similar in the stoppage departendless circle that is my life. ment. Her formerly vacated vagina, is now 90% of the time filled with one dick or another, each ejecting their own load of goopy man yogurt into her. But, when that guy pulls out, another immediately replaces it, stopping all that shit up in there. So it builds up, and again, the body is forced to do something with it, and it works its way into that semen blubber they now have. Which explains why it seems to jiggle more than you're normal fat, it's actually not jiggling from her movement, but the movement of BILLIONS of asshole sperm squirming around all at once in the now pudgy fuck hole. So, now that we understand the problem, we can fix it. A) She can stop her whorishly disease ridden ways and moderate her semen intake like a decent human being, giving up her life as a pudgy semen receptacle (we all know the chances of that happening, she likes it too much, and her bloodstream has become dependant on the hot beef injection much like a junkie to heroin) or B) we have to ventilate her. Like the stupid bitch from Willy Wonka we have to slice her before she pops or becomes too grotesque to allow an allotment of air. So fellas, do your service to society, and when you see a chunky slut walking around between her dickings give her what she needs. SLASH HER OPEN; set those filthy spermies free upon the floor or street or wherever you happen to be and allow the weight to bleed out. Possible backfiring: she may just use this new hole to get her injections more directly like a smack head who's vein collapses. But we must try to save these poor beasts. Otherwise, the filthy assholes will simply corrupt and ruin more of our beloved hot women. Thank you, that is all.
Come To the Medium meeting tonight in the Livingston Student Center, room 113 Busch Campus. Dark Secret REVEALED!!!
The Poetry Corner
The Irony Of Bi Girls by Alexander The Poet
Ode To Boogers by Alexander The Poet
Bi girls turn me on so much This, I admit is true But if there's bulge in your crotch, They will not talk to you To be bi, is to like "both" Bi girls don't understand, The penis, they hate and loathe This, I don't comprehend Because they use a dildo A subsitute for dick It's the same concept you know, So why not a real prick?
When I was young I would pick my nose Boogers I flung At all of my foes Boogers I picked Were not all the same Some were so thick While others were lame Boogers were dry And boogers were moist Boogers could fly At the planes, I'd hoist
Today I still For the sake of making sense Dig deep for the gold Girls, don't say you are bi My fingers feel You are really lesbians, What my nose beholds If you do not like guys THE END THE END
Exposed by: The Writer’s Block It has been speculated for quite sometime now. We all thought that it was a coincidence, but no my friends, a coincidence this is not, for if it were a coincidence I would not be writing that it is not a coincidence, so it can not be a coincidence. The truth is a large portion of the population on Busch campus is Asian (not black). If you were to go on Busch campus, you would most definitely run into a person who is Indian, Asian or Asian. Why is that? Why are there so many Chinamen on Busch Campus? Some experts say that most Asian students happen to be engineers and Busch being an engineering campus would explain the large Asian population or Asian Invasion if you will. However, do not be fooled! That whole engineering theory is bogus! That is not the reason why there are so many slanty-eyed demons on that particular campus. The truth is Busch campus is the secret location for the construction of a massive Asian Army to invade our beloved country!!! The two leaders of the group, Ching-Chang and Ding-Dang, are creating super Asian soldiers under the disguise of being a student. These super soldiers are divided into three groups. The first group, which is made up of Asian males, is called Dragon-Balls. Armed with a pool stick in one hand and the ability to blast shogun fireballs from the other, these soldiers are by far the strongest of the three groups. These soldiers wear a helmet of super-gelled extra sharp spiky hair, and tight black t-shirts. Traveling in packs, this group is considered to be dangerously cool. Do not interact with them unless you have honed your billiard skills. The next group is made up of Asian girls, a group I like to call Masturbasian. This group of soldiers is girls who look 12, but are really older. Their cuteness is only matched by their giggle and one can be blinded by their highlights. Engaging with one of these soldiers can be considered child molesting. Be careful and only approach them after you have jerked off. The last group is made up of Indian Asians called Pleasebombus. These dark skinned fools are probably the least dangerous. They’re not as cool as African Americans but cleaner than Hispanics. They are in the middle, but nonetheless they are Asian. Beware of all three groups they will trick you into playing Counterstrike on your computer.
Send Features articles and such to CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com Send Features articles and such to CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com Send Features articles and such to CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com Send Features articles and such to CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com
Wednesday, September 18, 2002
Arts
“mmm, Girl....”
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Intro. to Arts 01:69:101 Sillybus:
Aija... I can’t put it off any longer... will you be my wife?
-Fran Lawrence
One of my tasks as the new Arts Editor is to bring you kiddies some porn, but I’d like to go over some things with you before we dive headfirst into a pool of boobies. Alot of you (read: asshole guys) are used to your shitty porn, be it internet or VHS, chock full of subservient Asian girls, cum facials, and women just begging you to ‘put it in her mouth.’ Fuck you, get real. None of the girls I know want an eyeful of your semen, and nobody wants to touch your salty shriveled balls. Not even your mom. This doesn’t mean there won’t be any boobs on the Arts page. You’ll have your fill of boobs on the Arts page, even if I have to Joycam my own and stick ‘em on here. But, there will also be MANASS!!!! And Man Muscle (we’ll go over that later). And fun things for girls, like tips on how to improve the cunnilingus you’re getting (get a new guy), and dildo’s ‘n’ fixin’s. You will read the Arts section this year, you will like it, and you will learn from it. Or I’ll kick your ass. And that’s foreally real on some foreal shit.
Spiraling towards heaven Spiraling: “Transmitter” by Nick Slonimsky, Medium Music Critic Spiraling (formerly You Were Spiraling) is a band run by Tom Brislin, a keyboardist/vocalist who hails from nearby Dunellen and has recently toured the nation and beyond with acts such as Meatloaf and Yes. Thankfully, Spiraling doesn’t sound like either of those acts but more like either 1) an American version of XTC, 2) Ben Folds without the “I’m so clever” attitude, or 3) a combination of the above with a slight melodic touch that reminds one of Smashing Pumpkins. Their recent CD, “Transmitter,” shows that Spiraling has matured from a band that had trouble deciding if they were pop or progressive rock into a fully realized pop band with the occasional progressive hint. It’s this hint, as well as their great energy, that helps knock them away from boring musical cliches that can make many pop bands all sound the same. Additionally, their music has a sound that also gets one’s attention. Players of classic video games will probably most enjoy “(I don’t want to) Grow Up,” which inventively incorporates samples from the game Galaga. Similarly, the vintage analog synth sounds on “Your Excellent Body” and “Transmitter” harken back to the late-70s/early-80s New Wave while not sounding derivative. While the sounds may come from days gone by, the songwriting is extremely forward-looking. Melodies jump out and hold on your ears for hours as Brislin’s songwriting skills have woven together songs that are both unpredictable and natural-sounding. Lyrically, Brislin explores the world of communication and relationships with an experienced, yet refreshing-sounding voice. People interested in their music should check out their web site (www.spiraling.net) and go see them play at the Stone Pony this Sunday night (see What’s Shakin’). People in search of great pop song craft will find themselves greatly rewarded.
You know what’s cool?
Erotica!
Send your steamy stories to shorty_fat_fat@yahoo.com or bring ‘em to a Medium meeting tonight @ 9:30, LSC 113
Old School Boobs...Classic. Spiraling=cool band
Comics Review By J. W. Minus Agent X # 1 So I was more than a little dismayed to find out that Deadpool was not, in fact, escaping issue # 59 alive. I really like Deadpool. My favorite Deadpool moment was when he was caught by some lame-ass called the Trapster or Trapmaster or some such nonsense. Anyway this guy was convinced that he could get Deadpool to shut up if he got him in the right trap. So there he was Wade was strapped down to a table, with all manner of deadly implements bearing down on him, and HE NEVER SHUT UP. He actually broke his own wrists and ankles to escape the trap. The Trapster was so amazed at Deadpools will that he let him go. So you can understand that I was a little dismayed with all of this “Agent X” business. I mean he looks like Wade, he is certainly as funny as Wade, but he does not fight like Wade. In fact, where Deadpool was better with his fists than guns, this new guy, who calls himself Alex, is better with guns. People who knew Deadpool attest to this fact throughout the issue. The most important aspect of this new comic is that it maintains the laugh-out-loud humor of Deadpool, and in my eyes that is what make it worth buying. I have rarely laughed as hard as I do when I read a Deadpool comic. Alex only knows two things. One, he wants to be the best mercenary in the world, and two, he does not exactly want to know who he was. What he does not, know, is how he knows these two facts, or why he is as deadly as he is. In conclusion, I highly recommend Agent X. Think of it as the Bourne Identity with a lot more laughs. Ok, a lot more intentional laughs.
Personals Dear deaf boy, i’m sorry i was rude to you, but it’s my job, i hope you get fucked in the jeep liberty by 12 gorillas and then they ejaculate in your mouth you stupid, cum guzzling asshole (How nice of him to appologise for being mean to another student, the students here at RU should learn from this personal) Chris, way to go and get laid this weekend. Good thing you didn’t get busted again. You so need to come down here so we can find out if anyone wants the COCK FOR SALE.... (How much for the cock?) Oh, the cock isn’t for sale. (What I find amusing is that they knew I’d ask how much the cock would cost.. so is it for sale or is it not for sale?) To the bus driver driving the A bus on thursday night outside the hill center around 9:30, first off, learn how to speak fucking ENGLISH mutherfucker, secondly, if i ever see you on the street, i will knock you unconscious and then drag you to your home where i will proceed to tie you to a chair, and force you to watch as i slowly and painfully murder your entire family. I hope that flesh eating bacteria eat off your penis in your sleep you waste of life. (Now see, you don’t need to be able to speak english well to get a job here.. example TAs in certain departments) To the explicit negro we all miss, you better come back and visit or atleast join us for some post meeting dining. I expect to see you sometime soon, I can help you get some of that fresh meet you were asked me to keep an eye out for. To the Big Booty Indian girl in the ARC last Monday night, you shoulda gave me your number, cuz I would have rocked your world. I saw a Chinese Guy who looked like Timothy McVeigh. Strange (Very odd I must admit, I find it fun when I meet an asian person who speaks with an English accent, it’s something you really don’t expect to hear) To my love, know you are the only girl for me and I’d be the luckiest man alive if I could spend the rest of my life with you. I can’t wait until that day comes, because it’ll be so great.
“Southpaw, hmmm... does that mean you need to drink it with your left hand?” Wednesday, September 18, 2002
Shakira loves the Medium as well as singing and dancing in revealing clothing. The Medium also loves Shakira, she has been invited to come to this weeks meeting. This weeks meeting is at 9:30 in the Livingston Student Center room 113. Be sure to come by, Shakira* will be there. *by shakira we mean someone who knows the words to one of her songs
to illana... i just wanted to get my freak on, but instead i got my jerk on. i hope you can do it for me next time.... Deep Thoughts: Is it really as 1. No full names or obvious first names. simple as people say. If you want something, all you have Bad Example: (Insert your name here) is the biggest loser in the to do is ask. If so, then why world, he/she has no idea how to ever please a real woman/man. don’t starving Africans just ask for food? Go back to (town you’re from) and cry to your mamma. (Why my friend I have found a problem with your idea... Good Example: Dear BNG I can’t wait to ravage you when I get to when you ask a girl for some ass, you just don’ t get it) see you this weekend. Let’s do it on the football field! This one goes out to Tiffany... your playboy spread was hot... can i want to give you some2. We can’t print room numbers, phone numbers or e-mail adthing you can spread for dresses. We can’t let everyone know where that whore is, or it (Should I edit this to make might ruin it for the rest of the girls here. him seem more intelligent.. nah!) To the seacaucus police.. suck 3. If you want your Personal to be printed it must be printed my (small) asian cock! You from a Rutgers e-mail address like eden. Sorry guys are complete assholes, I hope you contract a horrible pedophile@doglover.com case of AIDS next time you’re here. I’ll be sure to throw my 4. If you drink piss once at a party, you’re an idiot. If you drink bucket of AIDS at you. OK LADIES, LET’S GET piss twice, you deserve it. O N E T H I N G STRAIGHT....IF YOU’RE 5. Be sure to tell all of your friends here at Rutgers to send per- ON COLLEGE AVE AT 1:00 IN THA MORNIN, AND sonals to me, stainey@witty.com YOU’RE NOT DOWN FOR GIVIN IT UP, GO BACK TO YA FUKKIN DORMS AND 6. If you don’t have friends to tell, send personals to your preS T U D Y O R tend friends, it’s so much fun to read what you’re submitted. SOMETHIN....WHO DRINKS JUST TO HAVE To the Army Cadets: I guess To that fucking idiot who wrote Send all of your free food and FUN?...YOU DRINK TO cheeseburgers to FUCK, GIVE HEAD, AND all your fancy military training “It is wrong to devour dead lobsters the day before 9/11", Heterofrenzy@hotmail.com pales in comparison to our LICK ICE CUBES OUT MY CSO training don't it Bitches? you are a fucking moron. What (On that note, send all of ASS Next time you come, come for else would you “devour”? The your complaints, comments, fact that you breath makes me or questions to (Ha ha! We know who wasn’t Real! lucky with the chicas this stainey@witty.com) The Band is still fat, true, but lose hope for mankind. past weekend. He is obvithere's also some big bitches on (Hey, everyone is entitled to Dear Mike ously a first year student the Color Guard (the flag have their own opinions, un- Fuck you for not being at your since he is unaware of the wavers). And they wear less they’re stupid or fat. The appartment anytime I go to visit services the sorostitutes can medium has established that you. What the fuck?!? You Spandex tights. Yummy! fat people aren’t real people better be there next time I provide for a very nominal (I know you can call them so therefore they cannot come by or I’m gona break fee. Not familiar with band-fags but what do you have opinions) into your room and swipe your sorostitues? Read up on the medium’s past online. call the Color Guard, flag 100+ Dvds. www.ilovemartinscock.com bitches?) (Woah! 100+ Dvds.. lets chill) www.themedium.net)
Rules of the Personals
miercoles el 18 de septiembre 2002 TO THE BIG BREASTED WHITE CHIC THAT GAVE ME HEAD YESTERDAY NIGHT.....THANX 4 SPITTING THE CUM ON MY SHIRT.... p.s.- you’re wallet’s still in my room (See now the funny thing is what this guy means by “shirt” is mouth and by “WHITECHIC” he means ghetto male he found at the Grease trucks this weekend) To that fucking idiot in my Psychology class who sat in his seat all period and bit his nails. If you’re going to class why don’t you bother taking notes on the open notebook not just sitting there picking and biting your nails for 80 minutes nonstop. To the “Brady Bunch” you guys suck. I can’t believe you did what you did to my precious Jets this weekend. I know you’re the superbowl champs but c’mon you so know you owe Mo Lewis for knocking out Bledsoe so he could get Brady to be QB and you guys into the Superbowl. Well, I guess it’s better to have you win then the fucking Rams. (It was a truely sad game Sunday, hopefully we can bounce back against Jay “I’m completely overrated” Feedler. Let’s go Jets!!) To those thugs that were hanging out at the Grease Trucks this past weekend. Learn to act civilized, or go rape some freshman girl who doesn’t know any better then to associate with worthless pieces of shit like you. Do us all a favor and DIE! Die eating a Fat Cock.. hahaha.. get it? To this weekend, may it be the best weekend ever. Thank god It’s not going to be spend in the hell hole we all call Rutgers, it’ll be nice to get the hell out of here. I so don’t want to come back, but I have to because of “classes” and my “education”... Less then 3 months until Christmas and about 2 til Thanksgiving. (What’s shocking is that you actually want to go to your classes, why not do what everyone else does and skip ‘em to have some fun?) to my age of giotto professor: i can't stand your accent. please pronounce your "R's!" And stop being so boring. I have trouble staying awake listening to you talk about nongiotto works. -student
“What color is his shirt.... It’s Asian”
Lily: do you love me? i love you! -Carol Martin, it's okay that you hate me because i hate you too and we should have sex without ryan's knowledge. (Boy, I sure hope this “Ryan” doesn’t read the Personals but the odds are he probably does since he does go to Rutgers. I’ll be sure to let as many Ryans know as I can) Martin again: i'm sorry for always fucking up the page. i tried to not mess up, but i guess i did, i will fix it if you want me to. but not before i fix you up - who knows what that meant, but yeah, that is what i will do to you. Love, CH “Sarah Perkins” I am going to take advantage of you this weekend. Any place we can do it, I want to do it! To the L buses on Wednesdays. Why the hell don’t you ever seem to stop at the SAC? Personally I think there should be more busses to that shithole of a campus on Wendesdays because the Medium rules and is the best publication at RU. (Finally, someone who I think couldn’t be more correct. Be sure to come to the meeting this week) Oh my gawd! The food at Brower horrible. I can’t seem to find anything there that is decent to eat ever. You don’t have the good meals out for long enough like breakfast or lunch. I could always go for some fries or a “chicken” patty. Yes I used chicken in quotes because I’m not really sure if it’s chicken or not. I’m hella sure that the “beef” isn’t beef so I choose to stay away from it. Brower you need to get your act together before I decide to take dumps all over the dining hall and start a dumping revolution! Who is with me!?!? (Oh my gawd! You’ve got to be the biggest idiot that’s sent in a personal this week. You also must be first year since most know it’s horrible)
dear josh, i want u to know that this summer was great for me, the handholding, the awesome games of naked leapfrog, and the long walks on the beach. thanks for being a great boyfriend. love, bruce (I have a friend named Josh and a friend named Bruce.. oh my god I feel like I’m gona barf.....) Eddie, you’re asian and I’m sorry. If there is anything I could do to help the suffering please tell me. Tom this is your arch-nemesis Mr. “Max Cable” you and Mr. Brady better have some nice brew to kick back before the meeting this week. If I get to your appt. this week and you haven’t read the paper and you don’t have brew, there will be some big problems. (I hope you’re talking about the Medium meeting this week, but then again we don’t want drunk idiots at the meeting... on second though we might) This colored box here could have your personal inside it, but no you were too lazy to send some them in. I bet you’re thinking I’m not talking to you, but yes I am. yo bro, lets play a game, its called i love you and you dont love me back.-Rob H. P.S.- Little kids please come! (Why is it that I have the feeling that this guy is the type of guy who likes to play games like “Whoops I dropped the soap” and “It’s not really gay to watch another guy get off?) To my Philo 104 Professor. You have got to be one of the most interesting professors that I’ve had in my time at RU. I hope you can keep class fun like you have so far. To Optimus PrimeI hope it all goes ok with the DC server. If you leave I won’t have any way to get my por..I mean music anymore.
Personals
Anna Kournikova loves the Medium just like Shakira. Here she can be seen asking if her opponent when the weekly meeting is. If you’re like Anna and you didn’t know, it’s 9:30 P.M. in room 113 in the Livingston Student Center, or as I like to say L-ston. Be there or miss your chance to meet Anna*! * by anna we mean a girl named anna
dear sarah, id like to thank you for a memorable weekend which we got to enjoy steve being steve, mini goats, unscary rides, and the epic bowling games. hope that we can do it again. To Jesse’s GirlWe should hang out, I know you’re a new student here and all but seriously we should chill sometime. It’s all good if Jesse wants to come, it should be fun to hang out with you guys and maybe some other people like Chris down at RU. Be sure to contact me and if you don’t know my info ask your man. Why the hell do all of the buses from Douglas need to be filled beyond capacity. Can’t you wait for the next bus and let us take the ride in peace? To all those suckas taking Expos right now. Ha ha! To all those suckas taking it again, it must suck to be you, especially when you fail again. And finally to those pricks that placed out of Expos I hope you die a firey painful death filled with comparing works of literature that have nothing in common. (Yeah, Expos was the worst class I’ve taken here, atleast I got a B.)
E-Mail Personals To
stainey@witty.com
Be sure to submit all of your personals whether they be of love or hate to the Medium.
To those idiots whose Editorials I read in the Targum today. You guys have got to be some of the lamest people here at Rutgers. If you’re going to write about something don’t sound like a pompus fag who takes it from any thing with a penis and a pulse. To the RU football teamCongrats on your only win this year. It’s great that you were able to win at home especially during Homecoming. I’m glad we don’t have to live in the shame of going winless, it’s only the shame of being ranked as ESPN’s worst college team ever. Hopefully we can have another win this season. Haha.. why am I kidding myself? To the girl I’m going to be spending my weekend with. I don’t really care what we do as long as I get some time to be all over you. You are such a sexy person and I can’t wait at all to finally be with you. I’ve missed your touch oh so much and it’s going to be great to release all the tension that’s been building up. Screw you school work. I don’t want to do you and you’re too busy trying to ruin my time at school. (Nothing like talking to your work. You must be really bored to write a personal to your work, not the slutty girl down the hall or the idiot who sings in the shower) To this weekendI can’t wait to get drunk and have an awesome time, why can’t the weekend start sooner I don’t want to wait til Thurs. If the man wanted a small grape soda carl, he would have asked for a small grape soda. (Ahh.. the state,I miss you!)
What’s Shakin’
“Quotey quote quote.”
Philly Dates Wed 9/18 - Rolling Stones - Veterans Stadium Fri 9/20 - Public Enemy - Electric Factory Sat 9/21 - Mr. Show Live: Bob and David in Hooray For America!!! - Electric Factory Tues 9/24 - Gomez - Theatre of Living Arts
Don’t see the stuff you want listed? Send events to orgykarma@yahoo.com Check out out website while you’re at it -
http://www.themedium.net
Wednesday, September 18, 2002
Local Shiznit Thur 9/19 - Bright Eyes - Maxwell’s Hoboken Fri 9/20 - Incubus, 30 Seconds To Mars - PNC Bank Arts Center Fri 9/20 - John Easdale - Tradewinds Sat 9/21 - Snapcase, Boy Sets Fire - Birch Hill Sat 9/21 - Jamgrass Tour - PNC Bank Arts Center Sun 9/22 - Six Feet Under - Birch Hill Wed 9/25 - Jimmie’s Chicken Shack - Jimmy’s Haunt, Morristown Wed 9/25 - Brian Jonestown Massacre, Dead Meadow Maxwell’s Hoboken
You know you’re going to hell for reading the Medium. Hop on the bus to Beelzebub...
and now, for your cultural education,
Rutgers Folklore Rutgers has a secret campus that went below sea level in the early 70s for reasons unknown. If you wait by the Busch race track at 5:23a.m. you will encounter the rumored all black "X" bus (which drives without headlights). If you show the driver a valid Dining Services Employee card and whisper the secret phrase, "lava lane loves lab lice," he will drive you to Atlantis campus where dark mysteries lie dormant ...
en
why
Come to our meeting! Tonight at 9:30, LSC 113
see
N Y C Wed 9/18 - Wire - Irving Plaza Wed 9/18 - Graham Nash - Town Hall Thur 9/19 - Of Montreal, Cory McAbee, Regia - Knitting Factory Thur 9/19 - Marianne Faithfull - Irving Plaza Thur 9/19 - Coldplay, Ash - Tommy Hilfiger at Jones Beach Theater Fri 9/20 - Doves - Hammerstein Ballroom Fri 9/20 - Bright Eyes - Irving Plaza Fri 9/20 - Jack Grace Band, The Bootleg Remedy, Erik Leebline - Knitting Factory Fri 9/20, Sat 9/21 - moe. - Beacon Theatre Sat 9/21, Sun 9/22 - Marianne Faithfull - Irving Plaza Sun 9/22 - Beatnuts - S.O.B.’s Sun 9/22, Mon 9/23 - Mr. Show Live - Town Hall Mon 9/23 - Flaw - Irving Plaza Tues 9/24 - Thee Majesty - Knitting Factory Tues 9/24 - Joan Osborne - B.B. King Blues Club & Grill Tues 9/24 - Public Enemy, Dilated Peoples, Blackalicious The World Tues 9/24 - Super Furry Animals - Irving Plaza Thur 9/26 - Bouncing Souls, Anti-Flag - Irving Plaza
Check out the review of the album in the Arts section!
SPIRALING celebrate the release of their new CD “Transmitter” at Asbury Park’s Stone Pony on Sunday, September 22, 5 pm. Tommy Strazza Planet Janet.
with special guests and
tickets $7, all ages.