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INSTA: @themediumRU
Sept. 19th, 2018
Volume LVI Issue II 50¢ THE LEAST SEXY TYPE OF SLIMEY
QUICKIES
Shits WET WEATHER BRINGS A SLIMY Woman Pants After Activia SURPRISE TO RU TRANSIT Eating Yogurt Before THOT JOPLIN KING OF RAGTIME
NEW BRUNSWICK– As the rainy, humid summer continues to drag itself out into an even rainier, even humid-er autumn, the Rutgers University New Brunswick campus has entered a state of perpetual dampness. Lecture halls are absolutely dripping with moisture. Dorm rooms are soggier than ever, and all the computer labs are a little slippery. Even New Jersey’s second-largest transit system, the Rutgers buses, have not escaped the season’s downpours unscathed. “Yeah, it’s pretty wet,” junior Spike Corucci sighed, dismounting an LX. “Sometimes people sit down and their pants get wet. Other times there’s just water dripping on people’s heads,” he added, when pressed for more details about bus
Spin Class Porn Directors Tired of Having to Pump Out Sequels
RIBBIT RIBBIT Check out the shine on that guy's skin!
conditions at the university. The air hangs heavy with droplets, and water pours in hurried rivulets down the walls and support poles. New hire bus driver Jeannine Prinz has taken notice. “Kids are leaving little notes to let other
passengers know what seats are wet. They’re really sliding around back there. Sometimes I feel like I’m driving through a rainforest, but that might just be because of the frogs. They make a ridiculous amount of noise.” Prinz was surprised to learn Continued on Page 2
MAMMA MIA!
ARCHAELOGISTS FIND THAT PIZZA HUT AND OLIVE GARDEN ORIGINATED IN SAME ITALIAN TOWN NIFTY KNITTER JUST TOO SHORT
TUSCALOOSA— Pizza Hut and Olive Garden share more than you think. The two well loved Italian restaurant chains originated in the same region of Italy, according to new discovery by archaeologists. After a new investigation in Tuscany, a team of archaeologists, led by Quinn McDonald of University of Western Alabama, uncovered the remains of what he claims to be the first Olive Garden restaurant. “It was really a shock,” McDonald explained in his endearing southern drawl. “We thought we were digging up the remains of your
PERSONALS
the
MediuM CHICKS NOT DICKS
(Unfortunatly for them, that’s exactly what I’m into) I’ve always wanted to have a foursome. Two guys, two girls. The girls start hooking up. Then the guys leave. Then the two girls proceed to have sex without the guys. Best foursome ever. I hate those obviously lesbian chicks. You know, the ones with the sidecuts on both sides of the head? And then she has like TEN THOUSAND rainbow pins on her bag? Like bitch I get it you love pussy. (I’m one of those girls! Just kidding. No one can tell I’m a lesbian)
PROFFESSIN
Professors are already laying on with the homework. I think they need to get laid. Some babe has to go suck their cocks all at once before they continue to take it out on us. (OR they can all suck each other’s cocks. To economize) Does my macro professor know he is supposed to confirm if an answer is correct when he asks a question? Goddamn I feel bad for him. Fuck those oldman professors fuck walking around and rambling when I’m trying to LEARN why the fuck do I even come to fucking classes why don’t they all just die. (President Barchi, is that you?)
YAOI OF THE WEEK: JOHNLOCK
BUTTHURTIN Dear New Personals Editor, Who are you to stand where he stood? Did you even go to medical school? Whose salad did you have to toss to finagle into your new job? Many other qualified candidates were in the running and for all I know, you pretended you were the Native American child of the company’s president. Fuck affirmative action and nepotism. Because of people like you, I’ll be unemployed, writing personals long after I’m forced from squatting behind the freshman dorms. YOU AIN’T NEVER GONNA GET ME! I look forward to seeing how you do. (Well I’m no Doctor, but I’ll be happy to lobotomize) Where’s that Hipster J fucker? You cut out his tongue and stick it into his anus so much that he got phantom tongue tastings and puked? (He is still alive and well in my basement)
CHIMPING OUT Back on Saturday, February 1, I was eating in Livingston Dining Commons. A few tables away were a pair of black girls, talking about some boy problems. Then it happened: one of these sisters casually called the other one "Nigga". The exchange that followed was just what I like to see during this month. "What did you just call me?!" Quietly the self-loathing girl responded, "I only called you a nigga!" The stern reproach-ment that ensued was a memory that I will cherish always and it truly instilled in me the meaning of this month-long honorary holiday. (Just as Dr. King would have wanted)
Sock Under Bed Upgraded from Crusty to Full-On Solid Congress at Halt after Every Light Bulb in Building Dies
Wednesday, Feburary 12th, 2014
“Sadly, there are no black people on staff.”
FOOT FETISH
To the guy in the Red and To the girl with those Blue ski jacket studying weird devil tail piercings for corporate finance in on her lips. How in the Alex Library on 12/10. living fuck do you expect WTF did you kill and rub to hook up with, ironicalon your feet, it was far ly, motherfucking hooks worse than anything that in your mouth!? That I have smelt in my entire shits scarier than that life. And to have your shoe Teeth movie. off and rubbing your foot (That’s how they trap and on the floor is absloutly devour their meat, duh) disgusting. PSA..don’t sit on the first floor of Alex These Asian chicks are near the “microfiche coljust so fucking cute I lections”, you may end up could eat them up, if you with a fungal infection. know what I mean. PLEASE clean your fuck(Cannibalism is always the ing feet bro, no one should answer. Asians love that be smelling that shit!!! shit) Gotta watch at for the short chicks at the college hall bus stop. They will punch you for a spot on a F
DemocraticSocialist Won't Share Popcorn at Movies
THE DOCTOR IS OUT Sup bitches, we got a new personals editor this semester. Dr. Tossed Salad, M.D., had to be hospitalized from having his asshole licked one time too many. But don’t take your panties off the ground just yet, ‘cause Anime Hair is here to make all you guys and gals happier than ever before.
If you’re a hot lady with questionable sexual
morals, or a guy after the same thing, or even someone of neither gender who likes to bitch, submit to: themedium.personals@gmail.com
MISSED CONNECTIONS (In honor of Valentine’s Day) W4M, College Ave. I was the freshman at the Zeta party, you were a Brother from Zeta. I can’t believe what we did last night!! I’ve never done that before and you were pretty good but you seemed to have left accidently before we could exchange numbers. Please fill me in on the details because I don’t exactly remember much!!!! What was in that drink????? M4W, Busch You at front row of physics class. Blonde hair. You very pretty would like to meet? I will even shower. Sorry English is no good. M4W, Livingston You convinced me to let you in to I, Frankenstein even though you had no money to pay. I don’t know why you would promise to blow someone for such a shitty movie, but anyway, you owe me. W4W, Douglass We locked eyes at the Women’s Rights protest last Sunday. You were wearing the “Don’t Talk to Me If You’re a Man” t-shirt, I was the one with the side cut and glasses. I would love to meet up to discuss the implications of women of color speaking out for themselves more than ever. And then later, we can eat each other’s pussies. M4W,Cook Girl I heard you talking about being REALLY excited about the ‘Chocolate Fantasy’ night coming up. Allow me to make it a reality for you. W4M, Livingston We met at the Student Palestinian Support Group. PLEASE stop blowing up my phone!!! M4M, Chabad House You know what we did together in the synogogue. Let’s do it again.
Think you can one up that? Submit suggestions!
Holy cannoli, they're neighbors. typical run-of-the-mill mom and pop pasta joint, but when we discovered the rusted breadstick basket we knew we were onto something big.” The findings
included a few broken terracotta roof shingles and remnants of a faded, but noticeably iconic pale yellow stucco wall. What truly Continued on Page 2
VERY HORNY Since 1970
Hurricane Florence Cancels Florence + the Machine's flight from NC to Florence
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NEWS
"Has Anyone Seen My Kid?"
GONNA BEAT MY MEAT
Wednesday, September 19th, 2018
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THE BIRTHPLACE OF GREATNESS
VEGETARIAN GOES BACK TO MEAT AFTER REALIZING ANIMALS ARE DICKS FORGETFUL TERRY SORRY I FORGOT
AUTHENTIC ITALIAN FOOD
confirmed it for Dr. McDonald was a preserved leather bound menu embossed with roman script spelling "Olive Garden" buried deep underground alongside a classic oversized glass salad bowl. A little known fact was also unearthed —the earliest Olive Gardens had actual groves of olive trees growing outside their restaurants. The most shocking thing about this monumental discovery, however, isn't only that the oldest Olive Garden was found, but that evidence that the oldest Pizza Hut was constructed in the same village. Albeit in a slightly different appearance than what we know today, McDonald and his team are fairly confident in their conclusion. When asked his reaction, McDonald said, “Most archaeologists wait their whole life to make it big. We already thought we hit the jackpot with the Olive Garden discovery, but the Pizza Hut excavation is just the parmesan on top of the soup.” The iconic hut that we now know as red was originally constructed with deep burgundy terra cotta shingles arranged in steep hut shape. Apparently, according to Dr. Quinn’s team, the architects of Pizza Hut welcomed innovation in building style,
...continued from front
while the proprietors of Olive Garden were more reluctant to change in outward appearance of their establishment. This can be seen in the transition from terra cotta roofing to a vinyl-plastic composition in the roofing today. Olive Garden, on the other hand has stuck with the traditional Tuscan style, only recently venturing out of the stucco siding to a stone option, still reminiscient of the architectural style of the Tuscan wineries and villas. The discovery of the shared birthplace of these culinary powerhouses has rocked not only the archaeological, but also the foodie universe. Two restaurant chains with seemingly no connection besides a carb-heavy menu are now known to have been born out of the same Tuscan tradition many years ago. Avid fans of both restaurants are awaiting a collaboration in homage to the discovery of their common heritage. One fan, Roger DeMarco told reporters that this groundbreaking development has reaffirmed his commitment to his Italian heritage, "I used to hit up that endless soup and salad once or twice a month, but I can now eat out with pride knowing that I am supporting my homeland."
platform, which has since been renamed to “Carnivorous Confessions.” Recent posts WICHITA-- Meat may be bring thought provoking new murder, but is it justified? ideas to the moral debate This is the question being including, “Do you really think posed by Amanda Garvey, a a cow wouldn’t eat you if it had former vegetarian who went the chance?” and “When’s the back to eating meat after a last time a chicken did anything school field trip to a local farm. for us?” This is not the only Administration at Northwest persuasion tactic which Garvey High School scheduled the has adapted to her new lifestyle. aforementioned trip in order to Students from Northwest help students understand where high have reported a recent their food comes from, and to social media crusade through give them a better appreciation which Garvey is attempting to for the effort local farmers put convert people to her newfound in to keep their stomachs full. ideology. “All she ever does is What they did not intend to do post videos of animals biting was spur the unbridled hatred babies’ fingers and pissing on of this outspoken young woman people’s stuff,” said classmate who flipped sides completely Jonathan Applegate when asked after one of the beef cattle took about Garvey’s Facebook habits. a dump on her shoes.“ My “She’s so Goddamn annoying parents raised me to believe that I became a vegetarian just that all of God’s creatures are to spite her.” This seems to be a sacred, but theynever told common trend among Garvey’s me that most of them are also classmates, who recently began cunts,” said Garvey at her one demanding tofu be offered woman protest outside her local as part of their school lunch Whole Foods Market. Garvey program. Northwest’s principal was once an outspoken animal was initially resistant to the idea rights activist, and maintained a due to budgeting concerns, but blog called “Vegetarian Voices,” has since changed his tune after in order to spread her ideals. Garvey showed up at his office PRAISE BE TO THE FROG-PEOPLE Even after her ethical flip...continued from front demanding non-meat options I WANNA LICK THE TOAD flop, she continues to voice her be taken off the menu entirely. opinions on the aforementioned that the bus fleet had not always Ribs gestured to a particularly been infested with frogs. green frog-man. “Look at this A veteran bus driver, known only poor bastard.” Truly, it was a as Ribs, clarified the situation: disturbing sight. DO YOU THINK WE'RE FUNNY? “It’s not frogs, but frog people,” The frog-like monstrosity, once a COME BY AND BOOST OUR SELF-ESTEEM Ribs told The Medium, “it’s been third-year student in the Ernest COME TO OUR MEETINGS AND MAKE US BETTER! too moist on our buses for too Mario School of Pharmacy, long. My theory is the students could only communicate in LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ROOM 111 ON have been forced to evolve to the twanging tones of a large suit a more amphibious lifestyle. bullfrog. His legs had become WEDNESDAY AT 7:45 PM Now there’s all these damned muscular and long, but also giant half-frogs jumping around green, and they bent to gruesome WE NEED ALL THE VALIDATION WE CAN GET! the bus and it makes my route angles as he leapt almost the full about ten times more difficult.” length of the bus. Turning around in his seat, Mr.
Editor-in-Chief Jordan Plaut Editorial Managing Editor Marissa Schwartz Staff Business Manager Shaina Joseph Fall 2018 Mascot Sick New Brunswick Cat
News Editors Dan Cretella Zoe Sifnakis Opinions Editor Zachary Fox Arts Editor Rimond Siddique Personals Editor Jeff Zhang Page A7 Editor Chris Michael Features Editor Scott Hoberman
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Advait Suvarnakar Zoe Sifnakis Marissa Schwartz Max Broggi-Sumner William Field The IT Person
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117D of the Rutgers Student Center at the Livingston Campus. This issue is dedicated to MILFS and DILFS across the globe! Stay hot!
Wednesday, September 19th, 2018 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
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“I am currently procrastinating”
ADVICE, LIKE YOU’VE NEVER SEEN IT BEFORE
#WEEDVAPENATION
Weekly Advice from Herschel the Hassidic
Abraca-dab pen: the vape that double as a magic wand
“Today is Yom Kippur! The day when like probably 20% of Jewish people don’t eat for 24 hours. We basically do it to pay for our sins of the year. You may think you are a good person and don’t need to fast, or just think you’re gonna do it until the day of but then go to church and pretend you’re not Jewish. So here is my advice this week: you’re all shit, and you should pay for your sins.
Now you can hit it and if a cop catches you, you can just wave this over their face and they will disappear!
Quit kvetching, DO NOT HAVE A NOSH UNTIL THE SUN IS DOWN, and get that tuches to Temple!” -Herschel the Sinner
YOU’RE ALWAYS RUSHIN’
10 Signs You’re a Sleeper Agent for the Russian Mob By Pytyr Gyorbychyev 1) You don’t go anywhere without your favorite 18mm Makarov. 2) You always feel like someone is watching you, but when you turn around, you forget who you are and what you were just thinking. 3) You shout “Kiss me in my brain tank, Vladimir” during sex. 4) Dogs bark at you. 5) Animals in general are uncomfortable by your presence. 6) You yearn for the good ol’ days in the quiet countryside of Leningrad. 7) You have murdered domestic agents after receiving subliminal instructions from the Russian mob. 8) You are left-handed. 9) DACHSHUND LAMPSHADE REVERBERATE 58 PHYLACTERY QUESTION OYSTER BOISTEROUS 210 RING ACCESSIBILITY. 10)
DID YOU KNOW... TAKING A SHIT TWICE A DAY INCREASES YOUR SEXUAL STAMINA BY 43%?? FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS AND OTHER FACTS I PULL OUT OF MY ASS AT THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS IN ROOM 111 AT THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM!
FEELIN’ LUCKY?
Whoreoscopes By Elon Thrust Aries- Be nice to everyone you talk to today besides people with J as the first letter of their name. Too many of them. We need to ignore them until they discover what they have done. If your name starts with J and you are an Aries, you can’t speak for the whole day. Taurus- You will meet a nice Gemini that helps you. However, a Cancer and a Virgo will jump you, but fortunately you will be saved by a two Libras and a Capricorn. A nearby Sagittarius will see this and call the police, but the 911 operator is an Aries named “Jane”, so she will be unable to speak. Gemini- You will sit on the wrong seat on an LX bus and get extremely wet from dripping from above. Some consider this the semen of the Rutgers gods, so you should be thankful. Cancer- You will find an extra spoon for your ice cream. Unfortunately, you will find it in the ice cream. Leo- Your GPA will drop .5 points after this semester unless you study 8 hours a day. So yes, all Leos will experience a .5 drop in their GPA. Virgo- Every Virgo is really cool and awesome and has a great personality and is very attractive (yes I’m a Virgo, why do you ask? This is just what the stars told me). Libra- You have a long-lost brother that ran away from your family when you were 2 years old. Your parents never told you so you wouldn’t miss him, but it’s time for you to know. That is all the information I have though, you have to start looking for him on your own. Scorpio- You must join The Medium or you will have to eat every meal in Brower for the rest of the year. Sagittarius- Look out today, someone is watching you. If you feel you are being watched, good job you are right. If you don’t feel you are being watched, what are you even doing? You are! Capricorn- The position of Saturn in the orbit around the earth has determined that you are insufferable and your gerbil left you when you were 8. Aquarius- You will have a scary encounter with a homeless person, yet become a better person after going through it. Pisces- You will die alone.
the Medium
OPINIONS “The weak can never forgive, but people who forgive are fuckin’ losers.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
In the Wake of the Holy Jewish Holiday, Yom Kippur, What Actions Do You Seek Forgiveness For?
COCA-CANNABIS
Wednesday, September 19th, 2018
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COKE WANTS TO PUT WEED IN SODA, BUT I DON’T WANT WANT TO HAVE TO DRINK SODA TO GET HIGH
BY THE VEGAN HIPSTER In recent years cannabis based products have been becoming more and more popular and accepted throughout the United States. More stores are opening up and the legalization is allowing for more creativity with the use of marijuana. But sometimes this can lead to very unhealthy habits. The Coca-Cola company has announced that they will be putting our friend Mary Jane into there very popular drinking products. This makes me sick. Drinking soda is a terrible habit that will rot out your teeth and do all sorts of internal problems, I, for one, prefer Kombucha. Coke also represents the capitalist business side of our country that weed should never be associated with. Marijuana is a product for peace, harmony, relaxation, and love. And it is also highly medicinal, helping people with painful illnesses and stress, and some say it has the curing power that one can find at a beautiful drum harmony in the meadows of the green mountain state. I prefer to take in my marijuana the old fashioned way, put about half an ounce of cannabis oil mixed with water, injected by a turkey baster that is inserted six inches up the anus. Now you’re probably thinking “why doesn’t he just inject the soda up his anus?”--because I don’t like the way the carbonation feels on my asshole, ok!!! Putting marijuana in a soda will be a disaster, but I wouldn’t mind if the put cocaine back in, now that shit gets me going!
“Calling my sister a whore.” Stacey Mendelbaum Wife of a rabbi.
“Fucking My Sisters Husband” Rifka Steiglitz Fucked a rabbi.
“Once I got so mad I said to God, ‘suck a dick God!’ But I didn’t mean it. I was just super mad. Sorry God.” Timothy Rogers never forgets to kiss his mother good- THE GODDAMN LIBERAL MEDIA night. THE COLOR BROWN HAS A FROWN
It’s Racially insensitive to assume my diet based on my looks BY RIFON SADIKKA
Hey look, I know what you guys are thinking. Oh a brown guy, he obviously can’t eat meat! Sucks for him he can’t have this delicious A5 grade Wagyu steak I’m eating! Well, I’ll have you know making pretentious assumptions like these is just wrong. From grade school all the way to college you guys can’t seem to get it in your heads that I’m not vegetarian. It’s not like you guys even ask first. I go to a restaurant to order a good ass beef burger and when you tell me you’re out of it and I ask for suggestions for an alternative you guys just suggest the vegetarian menu. It is racist for you guys to suggest food like that to me. What if I wasn’t vegetarian? What if my diet just consisted for beer and pizza? What if I was actually anorexic and had a diet that consisted of nothing but air? Would you continue to make insensitive remarks about my diet if you knew that? We live in the era where we can’t just assume the gender of everyone that walks into a public bathroom, but yet we just assume that every brown person who walks and breathes on campus is a vegetarian. I’ll have you know when I see that deliciously cooked protein served to me on a plate, I’m eating faster than Popeye finishes his spinach. Also let’s be honest, vegetarian food sucks. You have to give up all of the little dignity you have to be someone that actually enjoys that crap, and this is before we even get to the filth vegans call food. It’s 2018 and it’s time we put an end to this. Don’t just assume someone is vegetarian by their looks, if someone is vegetarian you’ll know by looking at their obnoxious mouth yelling it across the room.
Why is Nobody Talking About How Hollywood Continues to Portray the Moon Landing as a Reality?
BY CREED BRATTON On October 12, 2018, Universal Studios will release First Man, their new film that they claim is based on a true story. According to the synopsis, the movie stars Ryan Gosling and follows the life of Neil Armstrong and “the legendary space mission that led him to become the first man to walk on the Moon on July 20, 1969.” Many people who have seen the movie already are complaining about how the movie purposely didn’t show the iconic flag planting on the moon. But everyone is missing the bigger picture and it’s fucking scaring the shit out of me. The fact that these fuckers in Hollywood can still get away with this shit and and pretend the moon landing actually happened is load of horse shit. This is just another example of the public criticising a movie yet ignoring the alleged moon landing. When one of the best movies of our time, Transformers: Dark of the Moon was released, people complained about how it was a shitty film and that you can’t tell what the fuck is going on. Before I go any further I just have to address that first. That is fucking fake news. Dark of the Moon is a fucking masterpiece. Michael Bay is a fucking Master at his craft and anyone who thinks otherwise is a fucking disgrace. I got to be honest for a second: I have had the privilege of seeing the movie. And I have to admit, it was fucking fantastic. It was an emotional and suspenseful film that had me at the edge of my seat the entire time. I actually almost shed a fucking tear. However, just because it’s an amazing film doesn’t mean it’s not fictional as fuck. Who gives a fuck about a fucking flag that wasn’t actually planted. They also casted a fucking Canadian to play a supposed American Hero? Are they fucking serious? Fuck Canada Bro. We need to put an end to his nonsense immediatley. If we don’t stop them now, they will continue to try to convince us that the Earth is round or that 9/11 happened. Someone needs to hold these pieces of shit accountable for the propaganda they are spreading. They are poisoning the minds of many that still have chance to see the real truth. But damn do they make great movies.
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ARTS
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“They see rollin......blunts.”
MY PASTOR FROM NC WAS RIGHT BY JAY GOUSTERS
LIVE FOOTAGE OF THE FORMATION OF HURRICANE FLORENCE CIRCA 2018
HOW IT FEELS TO LIVE OFF CAMPUS BY WEARY SENIOR
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PERSONALS
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The Politics
Then how are you different from the Daily Targum?
I feel like we glossed over this Louis C.K. coming back thing.
(Gullible little shits like you don’t read our newspaper. And we have dick jokes.)
(Two things you shouldn’t see in the end of August: Pumpkin Spice Latte and Louis C.K.)
(If I hear one more freshman talking about RU screw I’m gonna blow my brains out.)
Those freshman girls are cute. (Half of them are also 17 and a half, so fuck off, creep. Yeah, actually I’ve thought about dating them before figuring that out.)
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“ I might be more horse than a man.”
Hi, I’m a freshman. What I’m a better person than do you people do here at you cuz I am boycotting the Medium? Nike and you are not. (We are a serious news or- (No. You are a worse perganization that provides the son. You are a BAD perfinest on campus news for son. You are the Sharknado equivalent of a person.) Rutgers students.)
My Livi Tower dorms is really hot. Did I get RU screwed?
Wednesday, Sept 19th, 2018
I’m a progressive and I don’t like the Rutgers Democrats. (Go to RU Progressive. They are... They are okay. They really put the cialis in socialism.) Kavannaugh is in a really bad position right now, isn’t he? (To be the highest rubber stamper in the country? No, not nearly bad enough.)
What I look like, At least to your grandfather.
The BUSiness It’s that time of the year that people think it’s okay to talk to me on the bus. What should I do? (Pull the yellow line and get off. ) Can I call shotgun on a bus? I’ve been trying to do that and no one’s respecting it. (I just bring a shotgun with me and I can usually find a seat. ) What’s this thanking a bus driver deal all about? I thought they are getting paid. (I thank them because they did not take the bus down the Raritan when they are on 18. God knows I want to do it sometimes.) I hear when you get ran over by a Rutgers bus, you can go to Rutgers tuition free.
(No. It’s called death. Some people confuse it with going to college for 4 years sometimes. I understand.) I don’t understand why we have so many jokes about buses and bus drivers. (I don’t either. But I also drive to Livi from College Ave. *smug face*)
Getting Personal You ever realized you are not really good at anything and get really depressed? (But I’m really good at getting depressed.) Why pretty girl make my peepee throw up yogurt? (I... I understand this is the personals page? But that question should probably be saved for your mom, or whoever.)
We are also DTFun. Join us at our pitch meetings. Seriously, we need actual funny people. We haven’t had any in years. It could be you! What are you waiting for? Wednesday @ 7:45pm Livingston Student Center 111
QOTW
One week back and I already wanna die.
(We all do. Some from excessive drinking, others from classes. But we all do. All the time.) I hope this personals editor is better than our last one. (Not gonna happen. I promise I have more hair than our last one and that is literally about all I can promise.)
“You said you wanna get better but don’t know how. ” -Diane, from Bojack Horseman , a show that breaks people
Flashback
School is Cool
I think my RA is into me, she always show up at my door and asks me to go to events with her.
Do you think the kid who sits in front of me in Physics lecture and just watches movies takes requests?
(Jump forward to three weeks later when she finds all your Vicodin and reports you to the police. Just give it a little bit of time. )
I think my neighbor is into me, she always show up at my door and asks me to go to events with her.
(Jump forward to a year and a half later when she throws you out of her apartment and calls you a violent alcoholic and a drug addict. Sorry, flashback. The lesson is, don’t date your neighbor. Just don’t.)
I was rejected from seven choirs this week. (That’s better than getting rejected by your ex for the seventh time. Please take me back, Erin.)
What’s a good place to hang out for a few hours on Busch? I got sexiled by my roommate.
(The remnant of the old convinient store could work, or you could just ask your roommate if you can tape it the next time.) I miss Deba Dutta.
(The remnaskjhagskasdgfkaskasgfkasdgaksgfaskfgaskdaskdhaskjhfaksjgftore Editor’s note: That’s the name of another time now. We don’t talk about it. You shouldn’t even mention it.
(Request Ken Burns’ Vietnam next time. It’s also long and boring but you might learn something.)
All this fucking rain makes me want to die. (Look at it this way, if you can’t see the sun you don’t know when to wake up and can sleep through all your classes.) I skipped class on the second day of school, this year is not gonna go well. (I skipped Business Law to play Monster Hunter. If someone needs to tell me what tort is for the 7th time I am going to throw up in their face. ) I lost my ID on my first day of classes. Now I’m too ashamed to go back and get a new one. (They are also in this weird new verticle design now. I blame it on Dutta leaving. ) It’s surprisingly hard to find a girlfriend with a bigger dick than mine. And I’m not even that big! (God damn it dick girl guy! I thought you have graduated by now. You really need to learn what giving up means. )
PAGE A7
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“Wow, he really did that didn’t he, but like why did he feel the need to tell me? Was that his way of bragging?”
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Future Obituary: Vin Diesel Will Die Age 86
By Dandy Cough-Man Boils eggs
New Brunswick, NJ - It started as a normal Monday afternoon. I just got home
from seeing my family, just made a cup of coffee, then H e (God) spoke to me. “ Vin Diesel will be dead at age 86.” “What? Why are you telling me this? Why do I need this information?” No answer. “How will he die?” No response. No other information, just the sure feeling that Vin Diesel’s life will not continue after his 86th birthday. “Cherish him now,” a voice said in my head, “he’ll only be around for 35 more years.” I fight back tears, this can’t be true, Vin Diesel is in good shape. I Google him just to be sure, 51 years of age no health problems... yet. My heart breaks, he’ll only be able to make 17.5 more Fast and Furious films, and just 8 more Guardians of the Galaxy movies. I start a GoFundMe, “Don’t Let Vin Die... In The Future” no donations, just comments mocking me. “Everybody dies, stupid.” “What a waste of money!” “Vin Diesel is perfectly fine!” They don’t understand. I shut down the page, best not to worry them. Why, why have you burdened me so, is this my cross to bear? I take a moment, wipe the tears and snot from my face, collect myself. I accept Vin Diesel’s death, I will spend the rest of his days making sure he is remembered, and revered for the beautiful man that he is now and not the withered rotting corpse he will become. Homo Erotic Stock Photos of the Week
Stuck between a cock and a hard place
Jesus isnt the only thing thats rising
LISTEN UP YA GOD DAMN QUEERS YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND VALID AND WE SUPPORT YOU MORE IMPORTANTLY YOU SHOULD SUPPORT US COME ON DOWN TO THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ROOM 111 ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM FOR OUR PITCH MEETING
YA GOD DAMN QUEER My modeling career is the only thing keeping my crippling heroin addiciton in check
September 19, 2018 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com 4th DOWN AND 69
RUTGERS FOOTBALL TEAM LOOKS TOWARDS THE CLEVELAND BROWNS FOR INSPIRATION ROBIN BANKS POOR BOY
NEW BRUNSWICK— In an unprecedented joint interview with Cleveland Browns coaching staff, Rutgers head football coach Chris Ash outlined how his team looks at the Cleveland Browns as pioneers in a new age of American football. When asked whether or not the Rutgers football players have the same viewpoint as him, Ash replied "Many of my boys take particular notes on how the Cleveland coaches coach their teams during the game. With big aspirations of hopefully coaching peewee teams themselves, it is only right that they take notes from the best." W hen the Cleveland Browns players heard of this breaking news, many of the players broke down into tears. "This is the first compliment I have gotten since joining this team
The Scarlet Knights Scarlet Knights preparing for yet another beating by a Big 10 school
last year", said wide receiver David Njoku. Over on the sideline, a beaming Jabrill Peppers, the consensus #2 high school player of 2014 and overal letdown of people's hopes and dreams had to say this: "I remember when
Rutgers tried to recruit me in my freshman year of high school. Thank God i didn't go there. I would've never had made it to the league, man. Is this off the record? I hope it is." Clearly, the Browns have much to be thankful for and
and appreciative of what Rutgers football has done for their careers. Many would consider Chris Ash to be the best bang-forbuck coach in all of college football. With an average salary of $1 million made per game won during the 2016 season, Chris Ash is looking towards the future. What better way to do this than to mimic NFL's least successful team?" To do just this, Rutgers expects to invest more than $37 million into new equipment and facilities for the upcoming season. With an average tuition increase of $1,000 per student to accommodate this, there are fears that there may be push back from students. In the meantime, students of Rutgers university may finally get to enjoy a winning season* *unless they inherit the Cleveland curse.
SOCCER BECOMES AN INTERNATIONAL SHIT SHOW
RONALDO NETS TWO GOALS AFTER CROATIAN STEALS CELEBRATION ROBIN BANKS IN OVER MY HEAD
SOMEWHERE IN ITALY— After hitting a dry spell that was drier than Donald Trump’s skin after a long day out at one of his country clubs, Cristiano Ronaldo of Juventus F.C. has finally scored his first two goals for the season. Now, for many soccer stars, a threegame drought isn’t nearly a drought as it is hitting a rough patch. However, for a player of Ronaldo’s caliber, going three games without scoring a single goal is like Snoop Dogg not smoking a doobie in three hours. When asked if he was satisfied with his performance,
celebration.” Mandžukić, who happened to be standing in the corner vehemently denied such actions. “I was simply celebrating the Novichok attacks”, said Mandžukić… That we will deal with another point in time. Ronaldo was clearly upset with his new team mate. When further asked how he was going to celebrate scoring Mandzunaldo for a new team, Ronaldo said, Croat stealing the GOAT's goal celebration “I may go and buy myself a Ronaldo stated that he could steal my goal celebration. new Bugatti Chiron…or three. not be happier. “I realized I I was walking through the I may also just head over to had to quickly score during practice center when, from my apartment in Spain and this game or else [Mario the corner of my eye, I see him reminisce my days back in Mandžukić] was going to leap into the air and do my Madrid.
Peeing on toilet seats SInce 1970