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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
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JANUARY 25, 2012
Volume xliI Issue XIV
BECKY, LOOK AT HER BUTT
STUDENTS BLACK OUT AT PARTY IN WIDESPREAD PROTEST OF SOPA
BY SUM DUM JOO HEAD WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK-With digital piracy and the future of the internet stretching far beyond the Banks, the protests against the Stop Online Piracy Act on the campuses of Rutgers University seemed few and far between. On January 18th, that all seemed to change. “I was trying to do research for my Honors Thesis, so I inevitably turned to Wikipedia,” said senior Russ Finegold. “But I saw that it was blacked out and I couldn’t get to it. So, I decided to procrastinate and visit icanhazCheezburger.com. That was blacked out too. Every good site on the internet had been shut down in protest of this law.” However, no internet blackout could stop Finegold from thinking on his feet. When he
could be seen wandering the streets in an intoxicated haze, protesting the merits of SOPA and its sister bill, the PROTECT IP Act, or PIPA. “The internet… is bad (hic),” said one student who wished to remain anonymous because he had forgotten his own name. “We must stop all… internet from fuckin… fuck. Wait, what?” After many hours and many bottles of Burnett’s Hot Cinnamon Candy Vodka, supporters of both bills in the House and 'DAT ASS Senate withdrew the bills for reTattoo courtesy of cheap booze and a hepatitis needle. consideration in committee. realized that this stoppage of stretched far and wide from FiThe apparent victory over cyberspace had further implica- negold’s house on Louis Street the bills resonated throughout tions, he took matters into his to the Quads on Livingston as New Brunswick. own hands. students took to the liquor stores “We won the shit! Yessssss! “The next words out of my and drank themselves silly in a We did it! We- blargghhhhhh,” mouth were ‘Fuck this, I’m get- show of support to their inter- said Finegold as he vomited into ting drunk.’” net comrades. Within hours of the bushes of the Delta Gamma Indeed, this sentiment the blackout starting, students house.
VILLAINY
McCormick's evil motives revealed following vaporization of Murray Hall
BY PROBABLY DRUNK OPINIONS EDITOR
COLLEGE AVE-In an unbelievable turn of events, outgoing Rutgers President Richard McCormick has unveiled to the world that he is, and always has been, an evil villain from a distant planet whose sole purpose is the destruction of the Rutgers English Department. Standing atop the smoldering ruins of what was once Murray Hall, McCormick, or "El Presidente Diablo," as he now COOL GUYS DON'T LOOK AT EXPLOSIONS prefers to be called, addressed McCormick walks away from the wreckage with pure swag. the semi-interested crowd of I smite thou classrooms and set Olde English accent, the morose English majors who observed aflame thou texts and scrolls! Ye student onlookers shrugged disthe chaos merely to reflect on the fools hath mocked me for the missively and continued smokironic context of the situation last time. Bow, bow before my ing their Parliaments. and scoff at the drastic character insidious might!" One witness commented, development of El Presidente Pondering the implications "It's really a testament to the Diablo. of an American villain with a downfall of postmodernism. "Muahahahaha," began El Spanish name speaking in an Presidente Diablo, "Behold! As Continued on Page 2
Rutgers needs more Latinas ESTABLISHED 1970
QUICKIES
Local Mexican Restaurant Owner thinks his sopa is just fine "I just don't understand all this opposition to sopa!" said local taqueria owner Don Rodriguez, regarding his sopa de lima. "It's just a Mexican dish that I've gotten good reviews for; now everyone thinks it's going to uproot American cultural values!"
Occupy South Bound Brook lacks humor of previous occupy jokes I mean, seriously, we're running this shit in the ground, just like we did with Batman, bros, and bailouts. Please peo... whoa, a credit union for Ukrainians??
the Medium
NEWS
“What? How many girls did I hook up with last night? More than you...more than you.”
Wednesday, January 25th, 2012
FRIZZLE FRAZZLE
Teacher suspended in the aftermath of tell-all book pointed out by the student was one not owned by the school. A check of the registration found the bus to be owned by Scholastic Transportation services, and operated by Frizzle herself. “Scholastic gave us very strange security footage from this year as well as a few videos from other years, including around the time specified in Mr. Perlstein’s book,” said district superintendent Megan Jones. “If it weren’t for this, we never would have uncovered what was going on.” The videos showed numerous undocumented trips during the school day, one even being a trip to outer space. In numerous cases, the class’ pet lizard or students were operating the bus without supervision from
BY DR. K BACK PAGE EDITOR
WALKERVILLE-Valerie Frizzle, a science teacher at Walkerville Elementary since 1983, was escorted from her classroom in handcuffs after a student’s mother went to the police to report what had originally sounded like a fairy tale. “My son came home several times with stories about his class going on trips to the moon, under water, and even once inside of a classmate’s ear,” said Kelly Hampshire, whose two sons attend the school. “I assumed he was talking about some type of virtual reality or 3-D video.” That was until Ms. Hampshire purchased a book written by renowned computer engineer, Arnold Perlstein. In one chapter of the book called “The Magic School Bus” Perlstein tells stories of his elementary school teacher, Ms. Frizzle, and trips similar to the ones described by
Hampshire’s son. It was at this point that she felt a need to find out more. “I thought the lady was crazy,” said police chief Samuel Lemmings. “She told some story about a trip through a dog’s digestive system, and I couldn’t stop laughing.” Despite the ridiculous claims, an investigation took place. Things became immediately suspicious as the bus
HIPSTERS AGAIN? WHAT ARE WE? MAINSTREAM?!
Rutgers Review burns own magazine rack to ensure they remain underrated BY LITERALLY ANYTHING CONTRIBUTING WRITER
VOORHEES MALL-The Rutgers Review, the official culture criticism magazine of Rutgers and the lesbian-sister magazine of The Anthologist, has burned this semester’s edition instead of releasing it. The dedicated journalists of the Medium discovered this when they came across a bonfire while trying to smoke a bowl in the woods of Douglass Campus. One the Review’s contributors, a hipster going by the name of Shanon said “We are burning our publication to keep it out of the hands of the consumer whores and philistines of this College." Another person interviewed, who refused to give her name because “words are just meaningless constructs” said, "We fear our magazine will actu-
Editorial Staff Spring 2012
Frizzle. “We had our mechanics and a representative from Scholastic take a look at the bus, and found some weird shit,” said transportation supervisor Raheem Thomas. “The engine ran on nuclear substances, there were about 300 more buttons throughout the bus than on our normal models, and it even had a fuckin’ shrink ray. I shit you not, there was a fuckin’ shrink ray on the bus.” After her arrest, Frizzle was quickly brought into a hearing. Charges include unauthorized trips off school grounds, unauthorized trips off the planet, leaving her class unsupervised, and operating a bus without the appropriate license. Pleading guilty to all charges with a smile on her face, she was placed on an eight week suspension, and is expected to go through psychiatric evaluation before being allowed back into the classroom. EVIL McCORMICK ...continued from front
President McCor- I mean, El Presidente Diablo's rejection of conventional dogmatics is too extreme to inspire empathy from the audience. Maybe if he spent more time in Murray instead of simply demolishing it in a villainous tantrum, he'd know that." Luckily for the university, that old guy with the cowboy hat who's always playing guitar in the Voorhees Mall area turned out to be a super hero in disguise, and after ripping off his denim jacket to expose LOOKING AT FIRES IS TOO MAINSTREAM... a dramatically defined set of ally be read, liked, and become of the pompous publication. The abdominals, sprung into action popular, which would mean we staff of The Review, however, and vanquished the wily Presiwould be selling out, thus we has refused our suggestion that dent. Shouting defiantly out of must burn the Rutgers Review we burn their vinyl record col- a patrol car escorting him to a jail from which he will inevitalike St. Joan of Arc while it still lection. is holy.” Sadly, The Centurion said in bly escape, McCormick issued After getting blazed and an email that they are not inter- this statement: "Thou hast not heard the last drinking some of their Absinthe, ested in burning their magazine of El Presidente Diablo! I shalt The Medium staff assisted The in the upcoming future. return, and thou shalt tremble!" Review in burning 1,500 copies
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
Amy DiMaria Shane Whelan Joey Threlfall Jordan Gochman
News Editors Kaitie Davis John Eberhardt Features Editor Philip Li Opinions Editor Chris Peatman Arts Editor Interested? Personals Editors Steve Troulis III Dave Imbriaco
Backpage Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche The Artist Formerly
Kenneth Brooks Shangela Krupa Patel Vacanc Barbara Reed Buzz Killington Known as Prince
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to people who suddenly jump on a team's bandwagon. The NY Giants get a hot streak; now all of a sudden your blowing up my Facebook news feed like you've been there from the preseason?! Fuck that noise!
FEATURES
Wednesday, January 25th, 2012
“Shitting Dick Nipples, think about it”
PEOPLE
Student of the week Zoë Szathmary
Age: 20 Year: Junior Major: French Minor:Cinema Studies Occupation: Inside Beat Editor @ The Daily Targum. Intern at Vogue. Favorite Food, Activity, and Movies: Described in greater detail below.
Zoë 101: The Real Catwoman
Miss Szathmary wanted a chance to go into detail about her major, her minor, job, and other things and we here at The Medium were of course going to give her just that opportunity. To explain her major, Szathmary wanted to specify that she chose it to have increased ability to sleep with French men and women. She then explained that her inspiration for her minor came from a pornographic French film she saw called “Butter My Crepes.” In watching this film she discovered her passion for the shape and girth of French penis. As far as her jobs go, she actually likes her job interning at Vogue, but the only reason she keeps her job at The Targum is because of her salary there. She claims that they pay her with one pound of pure heroin each semester (she says she doesn’t sell, and that it is all for personal recreation). As far as favorites go, she says her favorite food is Indian, specifically curry, as it makes oral sex performed on her afterwards a tad more spicy. Her favorite movies include Vertigo, Dead Ringers, and Paris fucking in Paris. Continuing her obvious obsession with sex, her all time favorite activity is parachute sex with alpacas while on a two tablespoon dose of heroin. For people who like numbers, Zoe has sex with an average of 24 men a week, with a high of 35 and a low of 9. For more imformation about Zoe email TheMedium.Features@gmail.com.
the Medium
LOVE LETTER Dear Jack Molenaar, So you thought you could hide from me forever Jackie boy? I’m not gonna let you get away this time. Last time was sooo sooo good and this time I’m ready for seconds. Mmm mmm sooo good, my sexy-ass public safety official. My libido has been through the roof since you left me hanging last time. All I can think about is my purple fingernails running through your “touch of grey” hair. Yeah, I noticed. I know how much of a sucker you are for those hair product commercials. Do you remember that night I CAME to visit you in your office? Tell me you haven’t been the same since? What a sex machine you are! Ever since the night all I can think about is riding that “F” bus with you again. Oh keep it comin’ Jackie boy. You can direct my transportation all night long, just be mine forever is all I ask. Oh baby! Just looking at your profile online is making me sweat. Do you feel it Jackie? Do you feel it? I’ve got a scarlet fever for you and the only cure is more Jackie. I want you, no wait, I need you to know! My door is always, and I mean ALWAYS, open for you. Just COME right in and we’ll turn the heat it up. After all, the nights have been real cold without you. Give me a call baby, you know where to find me ;) Xoxoxoxoxo Love, Cougar Mama P.S. I’ve got a parking permit for BUSCH Campus with your name all over it ;)
WE ARE IN NEED OF AN ARTS EDITOR. THINK YOU CAN DRAW? THINK YOU HAVE IDEAS? THINK YOURE TALENTED? MAYBE YOU KNOW SOMEBODY WHO THINKS THOSE THINGS? TONIGHT, BCC 8PM RM 120A CUTE THING
NOT SO CUTE THING
BROETRY Shakespeare for Bros By Nadroj A Midsummer Night’s Dream Act III Scene ii
Instead of a contest for being a certain numbered person to submit something to my email page I have something spicier. Have three things you submit published by me and I shall treat you to a 34 ounce steak. I am a man of my word, and as long as you contribute to make my life easier, I will improve the quality of your life as well. In quite possibly more ways than one ;). <33333333333333333 THEMEDIUM.FEATURES@GMAIL.COM
My mistress with a douchebag is in love. Near to her close and with stained football jersey, While she was in her dull and sleeping hour, A crew of nerds and fat geeks, That play for fun upon Skyrim stalls, Were met together to throw a party Intended for that douchebag’s birthday. The shallowest thick-skin of that barren sort, Who my love presented, in their sport Forsook her plans and enter’d in a skirt And she did him on this advantage date, An asshole she fucked in his bed. And I alone in my room watching porn And forth my boner comes.
the Medium
OP/ED
Wednesday, January 25th, 2012
“Asking him for advice is like asking the Pope for a condom”
FOX NEWS EDITORIAL
This is Not a Socialist Pack, Hunt Your Own Rabbits
As long as our pack has prospered, there have been those who lead and those who follow. Followers need pack leaders like myself to provide them with hunting opportunities and holes to sleep, poop, and ultimately, hide food inside. Recently, however, it seems that all these young pups are arriving at the conclusion that they’re entitled to portions of my scraps. Some pups have even formed smaller, sub-packs inside of our pack in order to team up and fight for their own interests. This type of communist activity represents a blatant attack on the alpha-class foxes who worked so hard to allow beta-class foxes to eat the leftover remains of whatever we hunt. It is a fundamental principal of the United Packs of the Wilderness that he who pursueth rabbit shall be entitled to the product of his la-
bours. This not only includes the initial servings of fresh meat, but the scraps as well. It’s like our old proverb: “He who hunts rabbit, shall eat rabbit.” The problem is, pups these days think just because they need my scraps to survive, that I should give them my scraps. I’m pretty sure that’s terrorism. Do you know that some of these radi-
“Sure, I had over 3 billion rabbits festering in that one Swiss hole.”
cal beta males found one of my scrap stockpiles in Switzerland and told the pack leader on me?? I had to bribe him with TWO of my favorite femur bones. Unfucking-acceptable. I hid those bunny scraps in a Swiss hole in the ground for a reason. I won’t always be old enough to fight others for control of meat and then take all of the
By Ollie the fox leftovers to another country, and when the day comes that I must retire from the hunt, those bunny corpses are all I’ll have to eat. Sure, I had over 3 billion rabbits festering in that one Swiss hole, but do you have any idea how expensive fox wives are these days? Shelly’s had her coat groomed 74 times in the last month alone, and don’t even get me started on Abby’s pig ear addiction. I’m surprised that I even had enough bunnies to trade for my new vacation territories in Aspen and Fiji. Young pups’ favorite argument is that since I hunt in their territory, I should have to share at least a little with them. Well guess what, come near my food and I’ll bite your fucking throat, how’s that? If you want to be a pack leader, pull yourself up by your paw straps and hunt for yourself. Bunnies don’t just grow on trees ya know.
FEATURED SURVEY
What’s your favorite drug innuendo song title? “Billy Withers - Lean On Me. Say, you gonna finish that Robitussin?” Allie Byrnes, Junior, Pre-med
“Beatles - You’re Gonna Carry That Weight. It’s a pusher’s anthem!” Jose Guitieres, Economics Major
“Kansas - Dust in the Wind. Nothing’s worse than doing blow outside on a windy day.” Kelly Hojack, SAS Sophomore
“Josh Groban - You Raise Me Up. What? Oh, I thought you said sexual innuendo.” Linda McMillan, Adjunct History Professor
“Like” The Medium on Facebook!
WEEKLY ADVICE COLUMN
Ask A Guy Who’s Busy Playing Call of Duty
Dear Guy Who’s Busy Playing Call of Duty, I just recently starting dating this boy. I really like him and I think I might be ready to take things to the next level. There’s only one problem: I’m a virgin. The farthest I’ve ever been is second base, meanwhile, he’s had tons of experience with his previous girlfriends. Should I study porn to learn proper blow job techniques? HELP! Goodie2Shoez92, Nebraska
Dear Goodie2Shoes92, You’re not the first girl with this concern and certainly won’t be the la- FUCKING CAMPERS! ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!? Er, where was I? Ah yes, blow jobs. What you need to do, is- SNIPED! RIGHT IN YOUR FUCKIN’ DOME BRO, GET SOME. Ahem. Don’t mind me. So like I was saying, if he’s a nice guy, I’m sure he’ll be more than- WWWWOWWWWWW PITCH A FUCKING TENT WHILE YOU’RE AT IT OMFGGG CAMPING IS SO LAME!
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
Do you use TWITTER? Are you interested in a MEDIOCRE COMEDIC EXPERIENCE?! Follow this page’s editor @ChrisTweatman !! (We swear he won’t send you pictures of his dick. Unless you want them.)
Wednesday, January 25st, 2012
ARTS
the Medium
“Silence. Because we don’t have an Arts Editor.”
THE MEDIUM WANTS YOU!!!
ACTIVE GROUP OF 20-somethings SEEKING:
• ARTS EDITOR • WEBMASTER • STAFF WRITERS • STAFF ARTISTS • PHOTOGRAPHERS • PEOPLE WITH ACCESS TO PBA CARDS
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We are currently in a rebuilding process and would like to welcome you to one of our critically acclaimed meetings, Wednesdays, 8 PM at the
Busch Campus Center, Room 120A SIDEWAYS HIPPO-SLOTH
Submitted by Melondrama
REAL ADVERTISEMENT
PERSONALS
the Medium
Wednesday, January 25th 2012
“I’m Starvin’ Like Marvin”
NEW CARS
USED CARS
To the guy with the BMW with New York plates, You rode my ass on the highway, felt the need to pass me at over 90 miles per hour. No wonder I pointed and laughed when the state trooper pulled you over, driving karma is a bitch isn't it? (Indeed it is. Unless you have a PBA or LESA card)
To the guy who's power chair ran out of battery power on College Ave, I wanted to laugh but at the same time I would be ashamed of myself if I did (Did you at least help in any way? If you answered no, you are still a bad person)
to the bitch ass motherfucker who took my norTo my winter break, I mal parking space, I hope wish I did more with you, you die of a rabid turtle bite you asshole sleeping and watching crappy tv all day is good, (It’s a parking spot man, get but it leaves you feeling over it. I’m not sure what it feels like getting bit by a empty inside when its turtle but it probably sucks) over To the guy with the pink (I don’t think you were dohair in my class who dyes ing it right. Better luck next it like every week, stop year) crying out for attention, To the bus jokes, just stop, nobody gives a shit we got them the first time To my car, you suck, start (Tired of hearing about the working again shitty bus system? Then fix (Join the club) it. I dare ya)
SAYYYYY WHATTTTTTT!?!?!?!?!
I figured I would take this mixmatch space to complain about what a dick you are, yeah, you reading this crap. Enjoy
A NOTE FROM SENATOR STOVE We are back for another semester in New Jersey. For those who went away for the break, “Congrats!” You actually did something! For those of you who just slept your break away, well, whatever floats your boat. The picture above serves multiple purposes, first it is what my face looked like when I got my tuition bill for this semester. Second, I made this same face when I opened the personals inbox and had barely enough submissions. You had just shy of an entire month to send crap, and you didn’t. You people really dropped the ball. Either way, submit more, and we can have more personals instead of other stuff. If you care about this page, send us crap, if you don’t care, send us crap anyway. We value your opinion unless of course its wrong.
themedium.personals@gmail.com To the guy with the iphone and the itouch everyone keeps bitching about maybe its a possibility that you have so much music you need another device to store it. Its not that big of an issue, just sayin.
To my creative writing professor: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP TALKING! If I wanted to hear absolutely everything that was tucked away inside your hallow skull, I would have given you a lobotomy!
(If you can afford to buy (Gives “Picking your brain” both an iphone and itouch, a whole new meaning) couldn’t you just buy an To one of my housemates: iphone with more memory?) yes, I happen to have a To the movie 'Congo' lot of female friends. No, which my housemate you do not have the right showed me last night: to hit on them when they WHAT THE FUCK WAS pay me a visit. Also, you THAT!? People killing ra- have a girlfriend. Stop it. bid gorillas with lasers? The fuck? How high To the ginger who lives were your writers when above Cabaret: my rule this thing was made? will be supreme whether Also, how many midgets you like it or not! Love, in gorilla suits did you The Mayor. have? Because it looks (The mayor has spoken, Lislike you had to employ ten and crack open a snapple) half of munchkin land!
PERSONALS
Wednesday, January 25th, 2012
the Medium
“Barack Obama is a better sing than Steven Tyler”
FAIL DRIVERS
BOOBS
To the asshole who almost ran me over last week on College Ave: it’s not just that you almost killed me, it’s that you CIRCLED AROUND A CAR THAT HAD STOPPED TO LET US ALL CROSS THE FUCKING STREET! I hope your car explodes, dickhole.
To the Asian girl who’s phone went off in line at the cashier’s office place thing: that was the single most obnoxious ringtone I’ve ever had the misfortune of hearing. Cutting my ears off with a rusty razor blade was not enough to purify myself of your shitty sounds.
BIG BOOBS ARE MADE FOR ME, NOT YOU, JUST ME, I WANT THEM ALLLLLL. I WANT TO MOTORBOAT EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF BOOBS ON THIS PLANthis girl was being ET. I CANT WAIT TO dropped off by her parGET MY OWN PAIR OF ents, probably so she BOOBS SO I CAN PLAY could sleep with her boyWITH THEM ALL DAY friend or something more LONG. HOLY FREAKoften, i don’t know but ING COW THERES the parents can’t drive SOME CLEAVAGE!!!! and i’m not ready to move out of the way with (I see. You may want to jerk my car for them. its this off sometime soon. Might kinda shit that pisses me feel better, buddy) the fuck off. nigga please. I don’t understand wom(Maybe he was just in a rush? Cut the guy some slack, jack. He’s got places to be and things to do and if hitting pedestrians is one of them then so be it. Geez)
(Huh? What the fuck are you talking about dude? First off, if you’re going to submit a personal, make sure you have the basic skills of storytelling. From that half-ass, pathetic narrative, I have deduced that you have the brain capacity of a fish. A small fish. With one fin. My bet is you can’t drive either)
en. This is my first weekend back at school and I asked this girl if she wanted to have sex with me and she said NO?! Well, miss Redheaded Thunder Thighs, I’m saving this for the next carrot top that comes my way. (Gingerfucker? I did that once. It’s quite fun. Too bad you’re out of luck! Haha!)
SHIT NEWT GINGRICH SAYS “For poor minorities, entrepreneurship in small business is the key to future wealth. This is understood thoroughly by most of the Asians, partially by Latinos, and to a tragically small degree by much of the American black community.”
MORE SHIT
LEFT!
RIGHT!
To the Indian in the purple shirt in Brower last night: You smell terrible. Love, your best friend-inlaw. (Be nice, seriously. That smelly Indian girl in the purple shirt in Brower is going to be your boss or your sister’s boss or your sister’s husband’s boss someday and this will all come back to haunt you. Perhaps, offer her some antiperspirant spray? If that doesn’t work, just deal with it. Think about your future) To the really loud, really religious bus driver on the LX. God DAMN you are fucking loud. I can’t tell if you’re just being polite by constantly blessing me or you have some weird social problem. It makes me want to become an athiest just listening to you yell.
To the entire country of Italy. Fuck you. You took my boyfriend for the semester. I wish I could skull fuck a nation. To my ridiculously old math professor: I’ll keep a coffin around for when you drop dead and have to give us all A’s for the semester.
To that kid who got hit by a car in front of Scott Hall a few months ago. I know the Targum didn’t print your story but I saw. I know. I’ll fight for your cause.
Alright, real talk? Can’t fucking stand it when some slut is wearing big ass fur boots with her tiny little skirt. If I wanted to fuck a cavewoman I would invent a time machine and go back in time to nail one of them. I just want a girl who can dress her damn self in the morning. If it’s winter then wear some sexy jeans girl.
Nobody noticed that I got new glasses today. I’ll show them. I’ll show them all.
(Fuck fur boots and everything they stand for.)
(I once hit a kid with my car. They never found the body. Probably just fucked my self with this one.)
To my lower intestines, it’s so fucking gross that you go on for like miles and miles but I think I’ll keep you around. You manage to get all my food out eventually and I guess that’s all that matters. (Burritos go through my intestines pretty well. Let’s get lunch.)
THEMEDIUM.PERSONALS@GMAIL.COM Please don’t make me do this ad again, it’s not fun or funny for any of us. Fuck all of you and die.
THE BACK PAGE
Wednesday, January 25th, 2012
“It’s cold because its January, bitch.”
Thursday, Jan 26 at 11:00 PM Some poor guy will spend his last 4 dollars buying a drink for a really hot girl at the bar whose far superior boyfriend will show up 3 minutes later @ Golden Rail Sunday, Jan 29 at 9:40 AM Someone on College Avenue Today at 2:30 PM will wake up and try to study all Rude and Nude Ice Skating day but will instead spend the @ Passion Puddle entire day watching football and No liability accepted for perma- ESPN @ Some Dorm nent shrinkage. Tuesday, Jan 31 at 12:00 PM Tonight at 8:00 PM Mindfulness Meditation @ BCC Medium Orgy @ BCC-120A Synchronized breathing with Condoms and Lube will be pro- strangers will keep you from vided for your convenience. ever feeling stress ever again.
Mini What’s
Crossword: How I Spent My Winter Vacation BY DR. K. The Back Page Editor
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Shakin’
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BY DWARFSCROTE Contributing Writer
Even though I’m usually an insomniac, I figured I’d force myself to get some sleep the day before classes start so I don’t fall asleep during my 8:40 on Busch. After 3 cups of sleepy time tea, and a whole lot of jerking off, I finally felt sleepy and ready to doze off. Moments later I found myself in a familiar scene—the same exact place I always dream about before classes start. I’m in the classroom, but I look around and realize it’s the wrong one. I try to get up to leave, but not only has the door vanished— every other student has too. It’s just me and the teacher. (Oh, by the way, did I mention that the teacher is wearing a purple leotard and has a lemon for a head? YES. A fucking lemon.) I try to explain to him that there’s been a mix up and that I was supposed to be in some other class, but he just grins and thrusts his pelvis. The lemon head man begins sweating profusely, and when I mention that I have not brought any dance clothes, he begins to
ACROSS 1. Enjoying yourself. And only yourself. Using yourself. Maybe other things. 4. Internet + Mailman + Movie Usher = 6. What you did with your turkey, Jello Shots (at different times we presume) 10. You did this and now your face is furry (2 words) 11. How you felt when
you left after your last final.
DOWN 1. The borough where the ball drops. 2. Fat motherfucker with a reindeer. 3. What you did to Facebook/Tumblr/ Reddit/Twitter every 3 minutes 5. SOPA’s going to ruin this. 7. Getting in a plane so
you and your family can visit other family members you don’t like. 8. What you did to the TV, Netflix, Kids whose parents worked after Christmas, and porn (Caution: An incorrect answer here may result in FBI questioning) 9. At the mall you did this for those ungrateful people in your life.
Non-Copyright Infringing Phrasal Template Game
drool. “Here, my sweet,” he whispers. “Put on these…” From his pocket, he pulls out a pair of children’s Batman underwear. I try to refuse again, but he gives me this demented grin and look that screams fruit rape, so I put them on and begin to cry. Standing behind me now, he begins to massage my shoulders and sing a song about how he wishes he were a normal boy. I wake up sweaty and check all the closets.
The Core Corner BY JOSHUA KELLY The Core
The Relationship is Brian Bell’s project aside from Weezer, which doesn’t exactly come as a surprise when listening to the record. If you like Weezer, then The Relationship - “The Relationship” you will enjoy this album, simStraight-forward Modern Rock ple as that. RIYL: Weezer, The Black The album was recorded on Keys, Foo Fighters analog, so it has a warmer to it, 90.3 The Core | www.thecore.fm which is a nice touch. The songs are simple, and follow general Got ideas for this page? Send them forms of songwriting. Nothing in and save me some work. innovative or special, just dethemedium.backpage@gmail.com cent music.
BY SUPA KRUPA TROOPA AND SEXY LEAF PILE Staff Writers
“Princess of ___________land” (whatever)
Once upon a time, there was a _____________ fairy princess and (adjective)
she liked _____________. Her father _____________ her in the tower (body part / food)
(verb; past tense)
because she wanted to _____________ with her boyfriend. Her boy(verb)
friend was a _____________ star, a profession that the father did (profession)
not approve of. One day, her boyfriend helped her _____________. (verb)
One year later, the princess returned because she found out the boyfriend was _____________ on her. Unfortunately, the castle (verb ending in “-ing”)
was _____________ by _____________. She was _____________ on (verb; past tense)
(group of people)
(verb; past tense)
sight.
Match Maker: Turn Me On
Paraphilia (noun). 1. a type of mental disorder characterized by a preference for or obsession with unusual sexual practices; 2. people that are turned on by crazy shit. 1. Abasiophilia
- Dressing like children
2. Necrophilia
- Turning a human being into a piece of furniture
3. Dendrophilia
- Corpses
4. Forniphilia
- Sleeping or unconscious people
5. Somnophilia
- People with impaired mobility
6. Liquidophilia
- Elderly people
7. Gerontophilia
- Immersing one’s genitals in liquid
8. Pedovestism
- Trees