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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLVI Issue I
January 30th, 2013
DIVANAUGURAL
Michelle Obama outshined at Inauguration by President's stunning Gown BY SUM DUM JOO AND Li'l Bit IN CHARGE
WASHINGTON D.C.-- While many flocked to the second inauguration of President Barack Obama, others were more excited about the Inaugural Ball and its incidentals. “I, like many others, was really excited about what food would be served and what kind of fashion the First Couple would be wearing,” said culture blogger Dax Richards. “But when they came out into the ballroom for the first time, my jaw just fell to the floor. That dress was the highlight of the entire event.” While many fashion con- EAT YOUR HEART OUT, MUBARAK The dress caused the Speaker of the House to have a huge Boehner. scious would expect that quote “We wanted something mestic policy experience.’” to concern First Lady Michelle President Obama was met Obama, Richards was actually iconic,” said Versace, who has referring to the Commander in designed dresses for celebrities gasps and applause as he enChief’s outfit for the evening: like Halle Berry, Reese With- tered the Inaugural Ballroom, a cross-seasonal evening dress erspoon, and Amy Adams. “I his five inch heels clicking in custom designed for the Presi- wanted the dress to say ‘Yes, time with ‘Hail to the Chief.’ His dent by Donatella Versace and I am Leader of the Free World, wife, Michelle showed glimpses Continued on Page 2 the closest members of her staff. but I’m not just here for my do-
Grow a pair
Student who broke up with his girlfriend before winter break "Needs to man the fuck up already", friends say BY EVERYDAY I'M Trufflin' News EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK-- School of Arts and Sciences Junior Tyler Roode was told by his closeknit group of friends yesterday to "man the fuck already"; after failing to hook up with anyone for the past three weeks. Roode, who had broken up with his girlfriend of 10 months just before winter break, was distraught over going out to the bars this weekend. "I mean, I don't know if I can do this. I havn't been out in the field for a while... God I miss Jenna." lamented Roode, who continued to act like a pussy the rest of the day wallowing in his bed listening to "Swing,
50¢ quickies
George Lucas confirms J.J. Abrams can hold his megaphone while he directs the new Star Wars Trilogy Super senior just pointing and grunting at food in takeout line Recent Rutgers grad disappointed he’s not riding on anyone’s coat tails yet “I can’t believe none of my friends are working and making seven figures, and how is it none of them won the lottery either?!”, Mason Gross grad Chad Tern yelled from his parents basement
Woman chokes to death on pill meant to improve gag reflex Her boyfriend continued to play Xbox Live.
Hillary Clinton promises to run for President in 2016 if, “Everyone would just shut the fuck up and stop asking Pine Trees still not sure what they're longing
These depressed saps needle little something more in their lives. Maybe they should Swallowing sadness... pack up their trunks and take a Roode also spent his time in stairwells crying his girly eyes out nice vacation. Swing" by the All-American Re- friend Ryan Gretz. "We've been jects. Needless to say, his friends trying to get him laid for the AT & T stock past three weeks so he could weren't having any of it. promises to raise "Re-god-damn-diculous is Continued on Page 2 what it is!" said Roode's best
ZOMG SENIORSSSS! ESTABLISHED 1970
the bar this year
the Medium
News
“Even my second and third personalities don't think I have a shot with this girl"
Digital Love
Wednesday, January 30th, 2013
Buildin shit
Rutgers football team wishes Congress Hires Contractor they had fake girlfriends to Raise Debt Ceiling New Brunswick- In their most recent failed attempt at scoring, the University’s Scarlet Knights football team expressed shock, confusion, and regret that they didn’t think of it first in the weeks following the Manti Te’o girlfriend hoax. After finishing their season with a loss against Virginia Tech. in the prestigious Russell Athletic Bowl, the team collectively agreed that despite being imaginary, Te’o’s alleged girlfriend Lennay Kekua was in fact still out of their league. “I’ve seen her picture and DAMN, that girl looks like a model! And she goes to Stanford…my fake ex-girlfriend went to Rider,” said senior linebacker Khaseem Greene. Quarterback Gary Nova admitted that although he had several imaginary prospects lined up during the first half of the Scarlet Knights’ season, the fictional ladies vanished after he threw six interceptions in the
game against Kent State. “Notre Dame definitely has a program that we all admire here. When they meet fake girls online, they always close. Mad respect,” he said. Nova, who finished the season with 2695 passing yards, 22 touchdowns and zero chances of getting laid, demurred at the suggestion that he try meeting girls in person instead of on the internet. “When you meet girls in line for coffee or out at a bar, they usually get hung up on dumb things, like, ‘Did you seriously just smack my friend’s ass,’ and ‘Are you actually telling me that you’re illiterate,’ and ‘Why is your breath so bad'. That sort of thing. Online dating makes everything way easier,” Nova said. A look at Nova’s Match.com dating profile revealed a bio that reads simply, “Yeah it’s the real Gary Nova lol.” The page has received 5 hits since the Knights’ season ended in December, all from a user named ‘theycallmeNOVn-to-the-O-V69’.
FASHION
Man Up
BY fuckface STAFF WRITER
...continued from front
of frustration as she watched her husband steal the show from her. “Michelle played it safe tonight,” said Mags Sheppard, acclaimed fashion blogger for Vogue. “The result was just about as bland as her cookbook of low-sodium crock pot recipes.” The First Lady, known for her sense of fashion, was not the only one met with criticism. “Couture? More like coutWHORE! Barack’s flowery ensemble would make even the department of agriculture throw up!” vented Rush Limbaugh on the ten minute long portion of his radio broadcast dedicated to the evening’s best and worstdressed pundits. Less notable fashions from the evening included Hilary Clinton’s Victorian-style ball gown and Vice-President Joe Biden’s revival of the ‘Meat Dress’ made famous by Lady Gaga at the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards.
Editorial Staff Fall 2012
...continued from front
move on from that bitch of an ex-girlfriend of his, but it's been impossible. When he's not going to class he's in his room listening to that God-awful All-American Rejects song over and over again. He's more depressing than a freshman living in the Quads on Livi. He needs to get his ass out of his bed and into the bars." Further attempts by Roode's friends to get him out of his bed proved futile, even after they berated him about his sexual preferences, insinuating he liked to have men bone him in the rear. Roode's roomate, who is not friends with either of the two, was equally upset. "He's messing up my masturbation schedule,"said Kyle Durbin, "I havn't been able to properly rub one out in weeks. My Friday night's are ruined." Roode's girlfriend could not be reached for comment as she was busy moving on with her life and having fun.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
Jordan Gochman Brianna Provenzano
Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch
BY dan 'oMAN' CHOG JR. STAFF WRITER
WASHINGTON DC-- With pressure in the nation's capital mounting as the United States slides closer to default, members of the House of Representatives and the Senate acted quickly this past week to secure the future of the nation's financial stability. In a near-unanimous vote, members of both houses voted to permit local contractor Walter Hobkins to restructure the debt ceiling by adding several feet to the top of it. "Remodeling is not the hardest job in the world," said Hobkins, who owns Arlington, Virginia based 'Hobkins Home Improvement.' "I know there are a lot of people counting on me, but I am glad to do my part to help the country out." This is not Hobkins's first foray into remodeling for the
nation. Last year, Hobkins was honored by President Obama for eliminating the fiscal cliff. "Oh, that was an easy job," said Hobkins. "Basically I filled the area around the cliff with cement so it became a level surface. Why such a thing was smack dab in the middle of Washington, I'll never know." With blueprints pending approval from the House Committee on Remodeling and Interior Design, Hobkins looks forward to another successful job. "Since I've been getting such great repeat business," continued Hobkins, "I may throw in some extras to show them how much I appreciate their work." Hobkins further stated that he will probably vault the debt ceiling to make a little extra room, installing a shag carpet to give the whole place a 'nice retro touch.'
What Yellow can do for you
Business Student Outsources Party Ratio to China BY Corridor Man News Editor
BUSCH CAMPUS-- Freshman business major Wesley Marooney is making headlines in a story that further pushes the boundaries of what constitutes ethically questionable business practices. In an effort to circumvent the process of obtaining "ripe bitches" to gain access to Fraternal social gatherings, Marooney contacted an outside source -- The People's Republic of China. Taking advantage of the nation's cheap human resources and labor force, the young entrepreneur was able to contract an independent escort service and have his inflated ratio met all weekend long. Amazon two day shipping provided a bevy of young women (roughly translated from the Chinese words for 'gymnast rejects' and 'dumpter escapees') that were eager to hang on Marooney's shoulders for a few yuan dollar bills.
News Editors John Eberhardt Stewart Hallman Features Editor Eli Youssef Opinions Editor Devin Baker Arts Editor Danielle Oyales Personals Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Adam Romatowski
Marooney was adamant that h is transaction was well within reason. “In today’s increasingly globalized social, economic and political spectrums…shit looked like a scene from Tokyo Drift last weekend. IT WAS HELLA TIGHT,” quailed Marooney. The Busch campus mailroom was flooded by similar amazon orders early Monday morning in anticipation of the coming weekend. “I came to work at eight in the morning, and left in the evening knowing five ways to say ‘give me food’ in Chinese,” said postal Busch postal worker Tyrone Biggs. “They don’t pay me enough for this shit…I’m about to go apply to Panda Express or some shit, I’ll tell you what… grovel grovel grovel,” Biggs groveled. “Last weekend was THE TITS,” explained Marooney. “I came out with 12 and only lost four of them. Pretty sweet returns I’d say. From a business perspective of course.” Back Page Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisors
Leif Tornberg
Johnny Ebs
Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch Barbara Reed Ronald Miskoff Club Mascot Clown Wig
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to ME. Sweet, wonderful me. Aren't I a riot?!?!
Features
Wednesday, January 30th, 2013
the Medium
“What’s Copy-Paste?”
Why couldn’t it be the personals editor?
Health and fitness
Winter Workouts for Your Fat Ass Randy Butternubs, Staff Writer
Stretching
Throw the remote to the other side of the couch before you start watching a show. When you want to change the channel, reach for it in order to stretch your arms and back. Repeat five times over 2 hours.
Core
It’s amazing how many muscles humans use just by sitting up after a quick nap. Work out those beer keg abs by changing from a prone to sitting position on the couch. Do this however many times it takes to fall asleep.
Forearms
Take a trip to PALMsdale, my friend. Repeat until physical exhaustion and emotional release. Switch arms.
Legs
Wine and lifestyle
What’s Cooking, With Mama Brower
This week we have an excitin’ menu prepared for all you young folk that will get your mouths watering. For appetizers we have generic fried polyps of indiscriminate filling, cooked to an exquisitely greasy golden brown with a satisfyingly mushy texture. You’ll be left wondering how something fried could get so soggy as you munch on these delightful scoundrels. For our main entree, we have overcooked rubber hockey pucks, made from the finest cuts of discount bulk flesh. We lovingly roast each hunk of meat in a 6000 degree incinerator to ensure your health safety without compromising the quality of your meal to show we care. Tonight we let out all the stops, and went even further, dunking each steak in our special Brower Sauce, made of things I can’t list here that are sure to set your taste buds alight with flavor. On the side, to mix things up, we have a fine tasteless grey glop, cooked to a soothing lukewarm temperature and nice runny consistency. To round it all out, for desert we have pie. I don’t know anything about this pie, since we didn’t bake it ourselves, but I was assured it is a delicious pie by the man who brought it. He’s so sweet, always bringing pies to our front door every morning in his rusty shopping cart. Anyway, head on down to Brower to get a taste of this delectable spread before we run out, because I’m sure that will happen.
Cute thing
Cute filler
Lift your thunder-thighs from the ground and prop them up on the coffee table. This is a great workout for the quads. As an added bonus, putting those rank-ass feet up on display is sure to gross out and scare away your friends who are taking up your couch space.
Numbers With: the medium
7 in 10
Readers of this newspaper only read personals.
4
People read this newspaper regularly
17
People have died in the search for our Features Editor
Cardio
If you’re still reading this far in, then you’re probably one of those people who lose their breath after laughing to long. That’s great! Change the channel to Comedy Central and wait for something good. Unless you start choking, your laughter will be a great workout for your depraved lungs.
Calorie-Burner
Here’s a throwback to high school health. Ever heard of the Basal Metabolic Rate? Basically, it’s the energy you need to spend just to live, so you can literally lose weight just by staying on your couch! Best news is, the more you weigh, the more calories you burn, so don’t skip out on the Candy Corn Oreos.
Broetry This Is Just To Say by Supa Krupa Supas
I have taken the beers that were in the icebox
and which my bros were probably saving for brunch
Thank me they were horrendous so skunked Of readers think they’re holding and so flat
20%
the Targum right now.
WANNA MAKE MY JOB EASIER? SEND YOUR FEATURES ARTICLES TO THEMEDIUM.FEATURES@GMAIL.COM WE PAY IN MONOPOLY MONEY AND COUPONS
the Medium
OP/ED
“For the last time Joan, almond milk sucks”
GIRL PROBLEMS
My Ex-Girlfriend Is Now Dating a Black Guy
featured commentary
Screaming: It Doesn’t Only Ruin Movies, It Also Ruins Careers BY ARIANA RICHARDS
BY STEVE KENSINGTON III I
recently learned that my ex-girlfriend (who is white) is now in a relationship with a black gentleman and I don’t know how to feel about it. Let’s first get this straight. I am not a racist nor have I ever been a racist. I do not want to offend any local barbershop owners or drug dealers. They are all just trying to pay for their child support one way or another. This is all just a lot for me to process right now. We were dating for over a year and now she’s starting to turn to black men. O golly… Maybe I’m to blame. I knew I should have picked up on those hints that she’s into the “ghetto” lifestyle. Every time that we would go out to eat she would always order chicken and waffles with a grape soda. When she was driving down the street she would roll down her windows and blast her favorite rappers, 2 Chainz and Gucci
Mane (I hope I spelled that right). I could never keep up with the lyrics. This is all my fault. I had the opportunity to change myself for her. I could have become the ultimate “player” and it would all be worth it, just to be with her. Then she would never have left me in the first place. I should have been hitting the gym and wearing those clothes she got me for Christmas from Eckō Unltd and Rockawear. How could I have been so stupid? I now feel very insecure about my body because of her new boyfriend especially with regards to my “junk”. All I can imagine is her getting plowed by a big black penis every night. This isn’t fair! I can’t help it that my penis is average size. What do you expect? I’m a skinny white kid. Well it doesn’t matter because it’s too late now. I have lost her to the dark side for good.
Sometimes screaming can be a good thing. If you’re cheering for a sports team, or trying to get rid of a rapist, screaming can help you in many ways. However it can also hinder you, as it did my career. You may not recall my name, but you should definitely remember that I played that little blonde girl in Jurassic Park. Remember the one who kept screaming? Yeah, that was me. I was at the top of my game, starring in countless TV episodes and eight blockbuster movies. Then I was asked to play in Jurassic Park. I thought I was gonna win a freakin OSCAR for this...but as I read the script I became increasingly disappointed: it was just me running with Sam Neil through a forest. This clearly wasn’t gonna keep my career going so I decided to just wing it. My big moment came on the second day
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
I Can’t Pway With You Mr. Gun
BY Timmy Ridgefield
I am vewy sowwy Mr. Gun but I am afwaid that I cannot pway wif you. My mommy says guns are bad and scarwy and I should stay away from dem. Maybe you can find another friend to pway with you. Weal guns are for grown ups and I alweady have my Buzz Lightyear delux laser beam to deal with bad guys. No one messes with me when I am carrying my laser beam. Next week I hope that mommy will let me have a playdate with my fwends from school. Maybe daddy can be your fwend. I saw other guns like you in his closet. Maybe you can make more fwends in there.
You Know You Want Me Timmy BY AK-47
Wednesday, January 30th, 2013
You think that you can possibly resist me? I think not. All of your life you have wanted to hold me in your hands and pull my trigger. I need a good boy like you to do it for me. No one else. Trust me. It will be so much fun. All of your friends will think you are the coolest kid on the block. I don’t want your mommy and daddy, Timmy. You are the only one who deserves me. Come on over and give me a try. I will guarantee that no one will get hurt. I can make all the bad guys go away...for good.
of shooting where we were supposed to just stand quietly then run while the T-rex demolished the car. But I said screw it! Doing nothing doesn’t get you an Oscar, so when the time came I just screamed. Most people looked at me with both confusion and utter horror in their eyes,
“I thought I was gonna win a freakin OSCAR” probably thinking that I’d get fired for not going along with the script. But Spielberg complimented me for thinking outside of the box and said to keep on rolling. So that’s what I did: scream my little heart out. When the movie finally came out in theaters, I couldn’t wait to get the reviews. But to my dismay I was barely mentioned in the movie reviews, and when I
was it was all negative. Rotten Tomatoes said the movie “would have been 100% if that small blonde brat had stopped screaming. It’s a freakin brontosaurus bitch! It’s not gonna eat you!” Everything went downhill from there. I never got another call from my agent. Spielberg went onto make more blockbusters and I faded out of the limelight. Nearly 20 years later and I still regret the decision. Now I just try and warn others not to do what I did, and just shut the hell up. Don’t believe me? Look at that other brat Dakota Fanning. Remember that movie War of the Worlds? All that bitch did was scream, and look how that turned out. She was lucky enough to stay in the acting business, but they’re still shitty movies. Coraline?! Really? Stick to my advice girls, next time you have a though...let it go and keep your mouths shut.
university voices
How do you stay warm on these cold days? “I like wearing my hand-made knitted wool beanie while sitting in Starbucks” Pam Wajtoch, Philosophy Major
“By not going to class” Ben Stiles, Pre-Med & Failing Out
“Booze, and lots of it” Scott Brody, Super Duper Senior
Wednesday, January 30h, 2013
Arts
“Shaun T is gonna kill me...I’m scared...”
the Medium
STOP COPYING ME
PHOTOSHOP ME SO THAT I LOOK SEXY
BIRDAPUS by Monsieur Koala
DRAWING GAME RULES
Draw the next evolution. Submit to
themedium.arts@gmail.com. I WILL PUBLISH SUBMISSIONS!! EXQUISITE BEASTS GAME....(read the game rules above empty boxes. simple!)
Personals
the Medium FUCKIN’ FOOD
ASSHOLE ASIANS
To the fucking Indian who just cut my sushi in the most retarded way possible at Brower, you literally have to be kidding me. It’s not even cut all the way and you cut it into FOUR PIECEShow do you expect me to eat this?? Why the fuck are you behind the sushi counter anyway? Tell your boss Asians only back there from now on because they’re the only ones who know how to handle a damn roll of sushi.
To To the squinty-eyed Asian girl in the CCC lab last Tuesday: did you seriously have to print like 500 pages of your crap right before everyone had to print their shyt right before their 12:35 class? And it did not help that some numbskull already broke one of the two printers the night before, so we all had to wait until you were done. I hope you get clobbered by Sudowoodo for killing so many trees.
(Hey are you really surprised the Indian dude fuck’d it up...come on.)
To the guy who casually tossed his pizza crust in the air to dispose of it nearly hitting me. You’re an asshole
(If the crust did two flips in the air, he is not an asshole, he’s talented...all skill) I don’t know if that person with blonde hair that works at Wendy’s is a man or woman, but I tell you, it can sure make a mean ass hamburger. (Dont’t encourage “it.”If it’s making a mean hamburger, watch out it might be dangerous.) To the guy who just said god bless you to me while I'm sitting in the Busch student center: go to hell you fat fuck, let me sit here and eat nachos by myself in peace for once (I hope you choke on those nachos while you sit by yourself in peace.) To the seriously clutch coffee machine I discovered in the basement of the education buildingthank you for being the saving grace that will keep me from yawning through my crazy class schedule this semester. Yours truly, a highly appreciative frequent of Voorhees Mall
Wednesday, January 30th 2012
“Fuck your couch”
MATZAH!
To the Cockface Jew Fucks who were driving around with a menorah on top of their car today, Just becuz hannukah, jews, etc are insignificant to Christmas, every other religion, and all known things in the universe, doesn’t give you the fucking right to blast Jew music and try to lure me in with your chocolate gold. This is yet another obnoxious and failed attempt to legitimize a pathetic fucking religion and a pathetic fucking (If only you chose Totodile group of people. Here’s and not Chicorite like a little the plan: Santa is gonna part the seas and then all bitch. Learn to play n00b.) you Jews are gonna go To crazy asian who thinks there. The reindeer will it’s ok to walk around in fly overhead, unleashing the blistering cold in a copious amounts of didress shirt. Who the hell arrhea from their frosty do you think you are... a buttholes down upon Ninja. Put a fucking jack- you. Santa will then reet on and stop following lease the water. GO TO me. FUCKING HELL. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! To the Asian girl on my floor, Please stop com- (This sounds like the new plaining to everyone in Quentin Tarintino Holiday the entire building how Special.) you’re going to fail every final even though you Dear Israel, you’re a have A’s and B’s in every bunch of jews. class, .you’re embarrassing yourself. (Enough with the shmaltzy kosher mishegas... Dreidel.) (She should take a page a from whitey. The only equaTHC TUESDAY tions they know is BJ=A.) Dear THC, why must you FRESHMAN DAZE insist on being fat soluble and not water soluble like To my hairy-ass roomevery other god damn mate, why do you shed substance on the planet? all over the room. I find Because of that stupid ass your hair in the weirddetail I have to quit you est places: my backpack, until I get a fucking job my towel, my desk, my and pass a piss test. This pants. Beware, imma cut relationship between you dat hair. and I has suddenly gotten abusive physically (Better cut it quick before and psychologically. I’ve that shit gets all on your had to resort to doing dick bro.) more acid and molly beTo my freshman dorms, cause unlike you, I can turn the fuckin heat piss those out in a matter down! I really don't know of hours/days. Please, why you're trying to cook change your ways so I us but I've tried human can go back to my normal and we really don't taste stoner life. Alcohol simply doesn’t cut it that good.
(To the girl who found me in (Dam someones been eating said basement, stop pushing nasty pussy lately.) my buttons its pissing me off, your the coffee machine.) To the visitors of best To the girl picking her hall, quit taking our furnose in Brower. I can’t niture. Contrary to popuget that finger out of my lar belief, Asians really head. I want it in my do need chairs to sit. nose. Email me. (Your lucky were not steal(If she doesnt I got ten fin- ing your fucking printer gers for you bro.) assholes.)
LOVE WILL KEEP US ALIVE I know we don’t always see eye-to-eye. But I love you. I NEED you. Your irrational and deeply passionate words of blinding hate towards others is the only thing I have to look forward to anymore. So please, don’t be a douchebag. Send in your personals to themedium.personals@ gmail.com.
FAT FUCKS
COOK/DOUGLASS
To the fat Guindian in intermediate micro: damn bro, you probably have as many chins as Vishnu has arms. And what’s with your dumb chinstrap? I think it’s time you visited your uncle’s barber shop on Oak Tree Road and had that trimmed or something, cause it sure as fuck isn’t covering up your neck fat. I hope you get pushed off the bus on Rt. 18 and roll down the hill straight into the Raritan.
To fucking hipster happy couple in Neilson, why are you so fucking happy. Our congress sucks, our education is over priced, and is is fucking freezing out. Stop feeding each other disgusting catfish and die.
(The chinstaps to keep his chins from putting too much pressure on his chest amd crushing his lungs.)
(I’m not surprised that you don’t understand them. Their happiness is pretty obscure.) How do people walk into the Hickman bathroom without shoes? Dirty ass motherfucka’s yo.
(Considering it’s Cook/ Douglass, cow shit and cum satins on the floor is actuTo the fat annoying bitch ally pretty clean.) in my Cognition class that sits in the second To you Alpha Zeta fagrow, no one really gives a gots who invade the shit about your personal Cook Campus Center life. No one gives a shit with your incessant noise about what you have to and aura of lameness. say. What we all want SHUT THE FUCK UP! you to do, however, is to shut the fuck up. You PAAAARTAY! are clearly sucking our professor’s dick because there is no way you’re To the asshole drunk who interested in his boring sprayed me with beer. life anyway. SHUT THE If I ever have to see you FUCK UP. I get it. You’ll again I will fuck you up do anything for an A. so hard that you will be shitting blood for weeks. Thirsty ass bitch.
(I don’t know about you but I’d love to see this bitch sucking her professor’s dick.)
You must be new here. Welcome to Rutgers.
(Have you tried bath salts recently? I hear they’re on the rage these days.)
EVERYONE, MY ROOMMATE HAS A TINY DICK. I saw it... soooo small.
To my AWESOME RA who smokes pot. Banging on your walls and fucking with you has been my most treasured memory of last semester. Thank you
So I was watching the wrestling match the other day and got a HUGE boner. Thats not gay right?
To the nerdy dude in Knight Club Saturday night: I’d bet anyone a million bucks your dick had never been as hard as it was when I saw you grinding up on that broad. Hell, I’d bet 2 million that you jizzed in your pants too. I hope for the sake of all bros that you got your lil pencil dick sucked that night. Cheers!
(Nope ;)
(McLOVIN!? NIIIICE.)
NO HOMO
PERSONALS
Wednesday, January 30th, 2013
the Medium
“Uncle Jesse, I Want My Circus Party”
WE NEED HELP! NOW! Having a tough week? Has your roommate pissed you off or walking in on you jerking off, do you just wanna kill that prick who sits in front of you in Psych class? You know what might help? If you lick my butthole. OR!!!!! You can send me personals telling me all about it! @ themedium.personal@gmail.com OR!!!! Oh My God even better!!!!! Come to our meetings in the RSC from 8:00-9:00 Wednesday nights in room 439. See you there Motherfuckas
DAM BRO
BOOKS AND BUSES
To the girl I went on some amazing dates with and then decided that there was no "chemistry": fuck you you raging slut. Sorry that I tried to approach the whole situation like an adult and do you the fucking courtesy of letting you know what was going on in my head and then you went on to hope I'd just forget about you and you'd never have to get up and actually tell me you aren't interested anymore like the flaky, immature bitch you really are. Because you sure were interested when I was licking your pussy, smacking your ass until it was redder than the Scarlet Knight and choking you with my dick. You were a complete waste of time and semen. I seriously hope you grow the fuck up and realize how stupid you are. Enjoy fucking boys again now that you know what it's like to fuck a real man. You don't deserve it, you dumb bitch.
To my Intro to Sociology professor: all I really want to do is never show up to your class except for the three exams and then get a ‘P’ in it, and you’re maknig that really hard for me to do. Why do you insist on taking ATTENDENCE in a LECTURE? You’re destroying my freedom as a senior. And please, stop calling us your friends...we’re not friends....thanks. Sincerely, one semester left.
(If this chicks avaliable, I’ll take her.) That win against Georgetown would be so much more impressive if it wasn’t from our women’s basketball team. Am I the only one whose still pissed about the Louisville game? That was fucking bullshit (I’m still waiting for Dodd to come in and save the day from that fucker who threw that pick.) To the weird ass fuck on Livingston with the beard, piercings, and tattoos, What the fuck are you doing? (Yeah the beard is pushing it, if he shaves that he’s fine.)
(He must take attendence so he can count his friends, poor guy I feel for him now.) Why doesn’t Barnes & Noble EVERRRR have the books I need?!?! Every semester this shithole leaves me high and dry. What am I supposed to do, go to NJ Books? The LIVINGSTON BOOK STORE (?!?!?!) Ain’t nobody got time for that!
BAD BITCHES
DRIVIN ROUND
WIGGY WHAT?
To the black girls in Livi dining hall who gave me that weird look for blowing my nose near the trash cans, ease up gals! I had a mucus situation that needed immediate attention, and I didn’t mean to congest (!) your immediate walking area. Instead of shoulder checking my skinny white ass, next time try a simple excuse me...you nearly knocked the glasses off of my dang nose! and i didn’t appreciate you laughing as you walked away like you’ve never seen someone use the same tissue for three days before. Kleenex aren’t cheap, even when they’re on sale at Fresh Grocer with the coupon you got at the bookstore!!!
Why does everyone who has a New York license plate cut people off on Route 18? I can only hope two of them hit each other and kill two birds with one accident.
To the dumb southern twit who followed a girl all the way to Rutgers try and make her love you. You still slept with a man last summer, you want the D, get over her.
(The only this worse then New York Drivers is middle America drivers.)
(You know a disheartening amount of this man’s ambiguous sex life my good sir.)
I fucking hate every fucker who writes the parking tickets. I have the write parking pass you fucks. I pray that I see you writing me another ticket just so I can see your fucking face. (Most likely some fat fuck walking around in the cold writing these tickets too.)
DOIN’ WORK
(I feel your pain, Kleenex are expensive. But there the To my bitch pre calc proonly thing that can get the fessor, how do you give cum off my hand.) us 8 fucking sections of homework after the first To the blonde chick sittwo classes. No wontining in my genetics der why half the class class, it’s the second day dropped the class, or it of class and you have alwas that they couldn’t ready read enough chaptake the way you talk or ters for the whole semeslooking at your fat ass ter. Why are you here? for 80 minutes. Go get No one likes you. Stop fucked might make you sucking the teachers dick. ease up just a bit. (Dam only the first week and already gagging on pro- (Ahh perfect I love fucking fessor cock. She takes learn- fat bitches hook me up dude, you only need a crease reing seriously.) member that.)
BAG OF DICKS
Why dodes my astronomy professor ramble on To the super grungy guy about the stupidest shit with the beard who re- and answer everyones fused to take his back- fucking questions. Dude pack off the seat next the world isnt going to to him on the RexB on end tomorrow so don’t Thursday 1/24, dude. explain why it will and Suck a bag of dicks. Do then say oh don’t worry MY HERO you think I was in the HEY! READ THIS: to the mood for a standing bus about it. guy in the Jeep that drove ride after I took care of up next to me near Liv- chickens on a damn farm (Oh wait the world isn’t ingston to tell me that my all morning? And how ending...I feel so much bettire was not just slightly did you possibly smell ter now. You should thank flat but that I was actu- worse than I did...I spent your professor next time ally driving on my rim: my morning in a literal you see him.) thank you. Sincerely. Be- barnyard... To the kid in my Planet cause sometimes us girls get too much perfume in (Well he spent his morning Earth class who always our brains and we don’t jerking off and then didn’t wears his frat letters- I realize silly things like take a shower. He had a hard think you sat in gum last week, how embarrassing “we’re about to die in a morning too.) for you. firey car crash”. Thank you again, you were also To that bitch who really good looking. wouldn’t pick me up (Dam that is embarressing Monday night. I’ll be for him, but nothing better (I hope he reads this consid- picking your ass up for then seeing a frat douche ering he saved you life, and the next month so the embarress himself ) even more cause he’s hot. least you could do is do Nothing better then a nice is pick me up without behot guy.) ing a bitch bout it . (Even the douglass Bookstore doesnt have shit, even on the first day of classes, and all their shit is new too, wheres the used shit?)
To everyone living off campus on College Ave hosting open houses. You live in absolute filth. Why don’t you at least clean your room and put your bong away when I am going to lease your house. And every house is like that. You are all the scum of the earth. To the girl in my dorm who insists on screaming incessantly and cackling loudly in her loudest hag laugh at all hours of the day and night throughout the hallways: FUCK YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! your voice couldn’t be more annoying, it is the noise equivalent of Snooki’s damaged skin and even I don’t know what the heck that means! As if this wasn’t bad enough, you insist on saying things like “you’s guys”. I don’t even know you, and I know this obnoxious fact about you. The only thing worse than the sound of you distracting me all day and night is the fact that I took 2 whole minutes out of my day to write this personal about you. You’ve inceptioned me with hatred and now I hate you even more for it. (BWAAAAAM Y’all.) Kid in the yellow sweatshirt in poly science lecture, four rows from the front, 7 seats in...you’re kind of hot but those glasses are def not real. baiiii To the moonshine I bought: you taste just like everclear but you possess none of the intoxication that comes from it. What gives? (It’s the new moonshine that’s just in time for the Rutgers Responsible Happy Hour this Saturday at Cook Campus. Come ye all freshman! Pretend to be drunk.)
The Back Page
January 30, 2013
“Yay! Secret Santa! Everyone got each other weed and alcohol.”
Police Brutality Coloring Spot
Brick Maze Follow the cracks to get to the bottom! *Bonus: Find the pattern to get into Diagon Alley
What’s Shakin’? Tonight at 6:30PM Medium Meeting @ CAC Student Center Room 439 Be there, because fuck you January 30 at anytime Help Jon Kijne fix his door@ 167 Hamilton It will be the greatest event since bacon was invented February 2 Responsible Drinking Happy hour @ Cook Campus Because people are actually gonna be responsible All The Time Party in Jon Kijne’s pants @ 167 Hamilton His door is broken ;)
Guess His Race! I bet you can’t guess what race Blake Griffin is
Fill Ins Fill in the blanks to this classic nursery rhyme Hickory dickory dock, The (Animal) ran up the (Noun). The (Noun) struck one, The (Animal) ran down, Hickory dickory dock. Hickory Dickory Dock, The (Animal) looked at the (Noun), The (Noun) struck two, Away she (Verb), Hickory Dickory Dock.
Useless Review of the Week BY POKEMON LEAF GREEN
Windows 8 I just want to start off this review by telling Windows 8 to go fuck itself. It thinks it’s so cool with its touch screen and tablet abilities. Well fuck your fancy touch bullshit. My computer doesn’t have a touch screen, so what am I supposed to do now? Thanks to you Windows 8, I can’t even find my start menu, now my computer is useless because I don’t control my computer with my fingers. No more programs? GAY. Apps suck and are meant for phones and tablets, not computers. Windows 8 thinks that waving all of this stupid touch screen stuff around in my face and being fancy that it will some how be amazing. Well maybe some of us hard working middle class Americans can’t afford one of those new fancy touch screen computers. Mac has dissapointed me enough, but now Windows too? Time for me to hop on the Linux band wagon. Windows 8 gets zero stars because of how hard it sucks.
Hipsterize Arnold!
Hickory Dickory Dock, The (Animal) barked at the clock, The (Noun) struck three, Fiddle-de-dee, Hickory Dickory Dock. Hickory Dickory Dock, The (Animal) slept by the (Noun), The (Noun) struck four, He (Verb) out the (Noun), Hickory Dickory Dock. Hickory Dickory Dock, The (Animal) buzzed ‘round the (Noun), The (Noun) struck five, She (Verb) to her (Place), Hickory Dickory Dock.
Our Meeting is tonight, you better be there. The
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