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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xlii Issue V
October 12TH, 2011
SPORTS
NATIONAL HUMOR COUNSEL DECLARES STEVE JOBS JOKES 'TOO SOON' BY CASTLETON SNOB AND KCIG STAFF WRITERS
CALIFORNIA— The National Humor Counsel (NHC) held a national press conference this week, in which it was officially declared that all jokes regarding the death of Steve Jobs are “too soon”. This places the death of the Apple co-founder on the list of “too soon” topics that includes such events as the Holocaust and American slavery. “The only appropriate sentiment to express is solemnity in the wake of this tragic event,” said Justin Nowak, president of the NHC. “Expressing any sort of joke, whether it be saying ‘iSad that Jobs is dead’ or making a cartoon of Steve Jobs selling an iPad to God to make heaven more efficient, is deemed ‘tasteless’ by the Counsel.” “Even jokes like ‘is it ok to make jokes about Steve Jobs or is it too Zune?’ or ‘Heaven just made a ‘bonnng’ start up noise’ are considered to be in
NEWS QUIKIES
Kanye West visits Occupy Wall Street Movement
"Imma let you finish, but the Rodney King riots were the most active and well-noticed mass protests to comment on American hierarchy and social injustice OF ALL TIME!"
Clothier resident thinks free food bin at the end of the hall is great NO. NOT FUNNY. We would say 'An apple a day can only keep the doctor away for so long,' but that would be tasteless and crass.
poor taste,” continued Nowak. “And it’s especially offensive to say something like ‘what’s the difference between cancer and black people? Cancer gets Jobs.” The projected data for removal of Jobs passing from the “too soon” list is around November 20th of this year, though it is subject to change. Vice President of the NHC, Christopher Burgess added, “This is not to say that crass indi-
SCIENCE
"R U Against Hunger? Heck yes I am! I've had the munchies since noon and these cans of pumpkin are really going to hit the spot!"
viduals won’t make jokes about Jobs’ passing. However, these jokes should be met with the audience shaking their heads and lamenting ‘too soon’ until such Medium staff time as they are deemed appro- urge local writer priate.” to stop singing In the meantime, the NHC encourages the public to joke during their meetabout topics recently removed ings from the “too soon” list, such as "The last thing we need the Vietnam War and the death whilst thinking of stories is some of Princess Diana. idiot totally butchering Eurythmics' Sweet Dreams!"
U to convert classrooms into saunas BY EVERYDAY I'M TRUFFLIN' NEWS EDITOR
CALIFORNIA— Recently, the Rutgers administration has come under scrutiny as many students began complaining about how hot certain classrooms in Scott and Lucy Stone Halls have been unbearably hot even though it’s the middle of October. “Yeah it’s hot as ballsssss in here!” said Rutgers Junior Rob Pawlenti, “I was in class FOR THREE FUCKIN HOURS learning about existentialism…and when I had gotten up to leave I felt like my shirt was an extra layer of skin.” President Richard McCormick issued a recent a statement that assured students that they weren’t just turning the heat up. “No, no, no it’s much better than that! We’re making all the rooms in the major classroom halls into saunas!” said McCor-
50¢
News Editor misspells "Quickies" at the top of this column "Ha! You probably didn't notice that, did you? You're in college and you can't spell a simple word? Ha! Ha! You know what? That's actually pretty sad. You should reevaluate your life."
Students now have a legitimate excuse to clothe themselves as minimally as possible
mick, “We’re at the beginning stages right now, but definitely by spring semester we should have them up and running!” While many debate that this method is bordering sadism, McCormick pointed out the health benefits of having saunas. “Saunas are great for people who have rheumatoid arthri-
tis and coronary heart disease," stated McCormick. "It is also a great way to lose weight! Ain’t no way better of losing all that fat from the grease trucks than sweating it off with your classmates. I’d like to see Jared from subway try and lose as much weight as these kids will be losing with silly old Subway!”
Green Eggs and BAM! ESTABLISHED 1970
Michael Vick says everyone misinterpreted "The Dream Team" "I don't understand why everyone is so upset. We called ourselves the "Dream Team" 'cuz fans were supposed to dream about us playing well. We weren't actually gonna play like professionals. Coach told us if we keep this up we might even end up in last place!"
NEWS
the Medium
Wednesday, October 12th, 2011
“He's European. Sex means very different things for him!”
RACIST
Rutgers Credits Pittsburgh Win to Unintentionally Racist Spirit Tactic
I'M SO SORRY This photoshop is the reason I will never get a job when I graduate. BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
tended problems," said Rutgers PR representative Chris BUSCH— The astounding win Luminelo. "But, we won so we against the University of Pitts- are going to keep using this as burgh on Saturday kept the a way to show other football students of Rutgers University teams how we feel about them cheering long in to the night, and how much pride Rutgers with drunken revelry and mer- has in the people that attend it." riment flooding the streets. The "Like, I don't see what the game, which finished 34-10 in problem is," said Lauren Kafavor of the Scarlet Knights was plan, a member of Sigma Delta highlighted by a strong defense Tau sorority. "That blackface that fought against Pittsburgh's stuff was over five hundred tight offensive spread. years ago. Get over it." It was also highlighted by The University refused to the annual "Blackout," where give in to student concerns, statmembers of ing that they are Rutgers flooded "Are they actually looking into other the student secideas similar to the tion with black allowed to do that?" "Blackout" where shirts, pants and - Malcom Crockett students dress up. decorations. "Next year, The Blackout we plan on doitself was also considered to be ing a 'Whiteout' where students a strong play by the Rutgers de- will wear white sheets over fense, especially when Rutgers their clothes to distract the playstudents donned black make- ers from the opposing team," up in an attempt to further the said Luminelo. "We may even theme of the game. give out white pointy hats to "Are they actually allowed really rally up the spirit of the to do that?," said Malcom Crock- Knights!" ett, a running back for the PanDespite any concerns of ofthers. "They can't seriously be fensive behavior, Executive Aswearing blackface in public, can sociate Head Coach for the Panthey? The fuck?" thers Paul Randolph, said the Indeed, Rutgers officials Scarlet Knights put up a good addressed concerns of possible game. racist connotations. "But seriously," Randolph "We understand that this continued, "Fuck that crackermay have caused some unin- ass school!"
Editorial Staff Fall 2011
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Kaitie Davis Kenneth Brooks Joey Threlfall Reven MacQueen
The Medium Goes to
EXXXOTICA
"Coming" November 2011
News Editors Jordan Gochman John Eberhardt Features Editor Shane Whelan Opinions Editor Amy DiMaria Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editors Steve Troulis III Dave Imbriaco
What’s Shakin Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche I'm singin
Phillip Li Steve Troulis VIII Blumpkin Kid Kenneth Brooks Barbara Reed Bob Loblaw in the rain!
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to intolerance. Because if you haven't figured it out yet, this issue is gonna be a doozy.
FARTS
Wednesday, October 12th, 2011
the Medium
“You know, the smelly kind.”
ARTICLE OF THE YEAR
STUDENT
profile
Shane Whelan a.k.a. MEEEE!!!
I am the Best What-up? Yes, that’s my sexy-ass face to your left! You’re all lucky I didn’t make myself Student of the Week sooner. I could do this every week if I want! I’m the Features Editor, bitches! I’ve always been and always will be the coolest, hottest student this campus will ever see. Richard McCormick? Yo, we tight. Ray Rice? Yeah, he’s my boy. I could write about myself all day but I have to share this page with Arts this week. Next time I’m Student of the Week, I’m going to make sure I have the whole page so I can fill it up with pictures of my gorgeous face. You wish you had my scruff. You’re lucky I’m wearing my shades, yo, because if I weren’t I would’ve went all X-Men on the camera and destroyed it. I don’t know how I’m going to find anyone to follow me as Student of the Week next issue. Who’s gonna wanna follow me? Nobody! Nobody, that’s right. Just get over yourself, I’m the best and you know it. Maybe, just maybe if you’re lucky you’ll see me on College Ave. Maybe.
THINK YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO FOLLOW THAT? THEMEDIUM.FEATURES@GMAIL.COM OR YOU COULD JUST SUCK MY BALLS. THEMEDIUM.ARTS@GMAIL.COM
LIVE ‘N LEARN Things at Rutgers That Seem
AWESOME Your Freshman Year That You
HATE
By Sophomore Year BY MOUSHIE ARTS EDITOR
dining halls
Does this look like a five-star establishment to you?
Why it starts out great: You can eat anything, as much as you want, and no one can do anything about it. You also have a huge meal plan since you’re a freshman, which means you can go to the dining hall for every meal. The food is way better than what you expected, compared to what you’ve heard about what food is like at college. Your parents also gave you some tupperware, and you feel like you beat the dining hall at its own game as you fill up your mini-fridge with chocolate cookies and steak. Why it starts to suck: You no longer live in a freshman dorm,
so it’s a pretty long walk to the dining hall, and the food isn’t good enough to get up and walk that far. What you’ll end up doing instead: If you live in an apartment your sophomore year, you have a kitchen, which is like a dining hall where there’s always food you like and a place to sit. You also realize food is actually really cheap if you make it yourself, and if you lower your meal plan, you have more money, which ends up going further, and you’ll actually be able to stuff your face with even more food for the same amount of money.
CUTE THING
MLB
VARSITY LEDDER with Pat Ledders
How to Protect Yourself from Metropolitanitis
As an avid baseball fan, I love the post-season with a passion. If you train him to love you now, Ever since I was this polar bear will never maul six-years-old I’ve you to death. been following the Baltimore Orioles and New York COMICS Mets. Unfortunately, they both suck. Lately, the Mets have been a disappointment to everyone that reluctantly cheer them on. Some have even gone as far as developing Metropolitanitis. This disorder, scientifically known as Rootica Otherus Fronrunnis, occurs when Mets fans heavily cling to a team that has beaten the New York Yankees. The Bronx Bombers heartbreaking loss to the Detroit Tigers last week has left over 60,000 Mets fans now believing they are true Detroit fans. While attending an afterwork social at a bar last week, I noticed several of my work friends dressed heavily in Detroit gear. My friend Jim, a Mets season ticket holder, told me that he’s been pulling for the Tigers since his father took him to game at the old Tigers Stadium. From there he went on to recite the history of the franchise including their move to Comerica Park in 2000. I was both appalled and confused at the same time. After researching for a while, I learned that the disease has been spreading rapidly. As a Mets fan, I’d rather not lose my identity and start going to bars every week screaming at televisions, happy the Yankees are losing. Thererfore, I’ve been taking GRAFFITI various precautions to avoid the disease. While flipping through channels, it may be tempting to watch playoff games or coverage but I urge you to watch professional curling or C-SPAN instead. Either program will provide adaquete entertainment similar to what baseball normally provides. Another precaution: If you are a Mets fan, then it’s probably safest to invest your money in something extremely expensive. This will keep you from buying Location: At Hong Kong Kitchen Tigers apparel and going to bars cheering for the team that beat Submitted by: nondo_b the Yankees.
the Medium
“The best musical of this centur y! rmon’!” Fuck ‘The Book of MoNew York Times
“It...w as...[amazing]!”
- Rolling Stone
- The
THE CAST
Jordan Gochman
John Eberhardt
Shane Whelan
as The Senior News Editor
as The News Editor
as The Features Editor
Jordan was trained at the finest acting institutions, including Mason Gross, Yale Drama, Trinity Rep and The Royal Dramatic Academy. He is currently making a living by waiting tables at a Denny’s in Hoboken.
Growing up John really wanted to do sports broadcasting, but his parents put him in theater promising it would get him good food and help him lose his virginity. Sources say the latter has yet to happen.
Amy DiMaria
Kristen Cignavitch
Dave Imbriaco
as The Opinions Editor
as The Arts Editor
as The Senior Personals Editor
Amy is so thrilled to be starring in Meet the Medium after recently finishing her one woman show, And Then There’s Maude. Her previous credits include the can of hairspray in Hairspray and the Brunette in Legally Blonde.
Kristen is excited to join the cast of Meet the Medium, which marks her re-entry into acting after going on hiatus to author her hit Broadway musical, Musicals Are Gay. Previous credits include a ton of plays you’ve never heard of.
Meet The
Shane is best known for being an active fisherman, bowler, churchgoer, and pro wrestling fan. He’s also been known to break out dancing whenever techno or dance music is being played. He brings these talents and more to the cast.
A more modest actor, Dave chooses not to speak about his past work. When not on the stage, he enjoys spending time with his wife and kids on their ranch in Southern Texas. He plans to stay with the show until the end.
while the Busines The Editor in Chief shreds the Targum money in the s ager and Managing Editor exchange “Allocation Aggravation”. Steve Troulis III
Phillip C. Li
Kaitie Davis
as The Personals Editor
as The Wine & Lifestyle Editor
as The Editor in Chief
Steve does not actually exist. He is just a figment of your imagination. Don’t mind the picture, its just space filler. But if he did exist he would be one of those guys in the black shirts who move props around during intermission.
After spending all his well earned funds on drugs (heroin), hookers (Asian), and pornography (free), Phil has decided to join up with Meet the Medium. Reportedly, the salary will power Phil’s lifestyle for another five minutes.
Kaitie’s musical appearances include Singing in my Shower, Singing in my Car, and Humming to Myself While Waiting on the Microwave for my Frozen Burrito. She thanks Jameson Irish Whiskey for helping her realize her talent.
Also Featuring
Kenneth Brooks
Joey Threlfall
as The Managing Editor
as The Business Manager
His second time on stage, Kenny has won the hearts of audiences nationwide for his dramatic acting. Previously featured as a drunken hobo in Waiting on the Bus While Tipsy, his new lead role helps to shows the versatility of his acting.
Classically trained in the art of Guido acting and swagger, Joey recently headlined Jersey Boys but suffered a fist pumping accident, cutting his acting potential. With a new diamond studded prosthetic fist he hopes to jump start his acting career again.
Ehud Cohen Christopher Peatman James Kelly Krupa Patel as The Writers Steve Troulis VII as The Copyeditor Kenny Brooks as The Webmaster Amy DiMaria as The Secretary The Daily Targum as The Dark Lord
The Managing Editor and Business Manager learn to wo together in a heartwarming ragtim e interlude.
Winne
e
Medium
ss Mansong
ork
“The fuckin’ best!”
- Associated Press
“May their souls rot in hell for duction!” this blasphemous pro - Christianity Today
the Medium
ABOUT THE SHOW
Meet The Medium, a stirring production of epic proportions, chronicles the breadth and depth of a collection of artists, desperate for recognition and love. With such classic musical numbers as “We Are Using Palatino And That’s Final” and “The Opinions Editor’s Lament,” Meet The Medium will have you laughing and crying for hours and hours. This Tony Award winning production features a chorus of 700 performing music written by the composers of “A Chorus Line,” “Into the Woods,” and “Les Miserables” and choreography from the grandest dancers in the world. It is currently being presented at the Al Jolson Theater, playing to packed out houses.
Tensions rise as the Wine and Lifestyle Editor teaches the News Editor not to steal one of his jokes again.
The editors sing “Left Block Justifie
d (Or You Die)”
The final notes of “The Opinion Editor’s Lament”
The audience enjoys the show!
er Of Every Tony, 2011!
OP/ED
the Medium
Wednesday, October 12th, 2011
“I’ll do anything if you say my name three times.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What is Your Favorite Part of Homecoming Weekend? “The football part.” Tyler Stein, SAS Sophomore
“Sorry but I’m an asshole so I’ll be studying on Homecoming weekend.” Sandy Vasquez, MGSA Senior
“Aren’t you supposed to go home on Homecoming?” Annie St. Clare, 2nd Year Grad Student
“The drunk part.” Sabrina Holloway, SEBS Junior
Drink “Responsibly” during Homecoming Weekend!
FEATURED COMMENTARY
If There’s No Racial Description in the Crime Alerts How Will I Know Who to Judge? BY DWAYNE FRANCIS
I came to Rutgers as an optimistic freshman but I wasn’t naive. I knew that I was moving to a big city and that meant a lot more crime than I was used to. I wasn’t sure I could handle the pressure. That’s why I was so overjoyed to see my first Crime Alert courtesy of Kenneth B. Cop. He told me where the crime had occurred and that the suspect was a 6foot tall black man wearing a Mets sweatshirt. It was amazing! I knew exactly what places to avoid and the kind of people who might try to attack me at school. I used the Crime Alerts to fully understand what types of people I should avoid. If there were a lot of alerts around College Ave you could bet I would party on Busch. And if a lot of the suspects seemed to be Hispanic men then I knew I should watch out for them when I was
crossing the street. Rutgersfest was a golden day for crime alerts but those days seem to be behind us. Lately I feel like I’ve been getting fewer and fewer alerts from the RUPD. I used to get several in a month and now there hasn’t been a generalized statement about
mugging people? Or what if Hamilton Street suddenly has a string of assaults? I will be completely out of the loop and in potential danger. I don’t care if other people find some of the descriptions offensive. I need to keep myself safe and that involves knowing what kinds of people to avoid. I know that this kind “There hasn’t of information is imporbeen a general- tant from personal expeized statement rience. One day I was at the Stop Shop on Easton about race and Ave (Iand know, it’s sketchy crime since the but I needed Cheerios). And there was this black summer.” guy there and I just knew he was stealing. But no race and crime since the one else could tell but me summer. because they weren’t raIf the police aren’t cially profiling. keeping me up to date The RUPD should on the descriptions of understand why stucriminals, how will I dents needs an update know who to make quick every few days. And if judgements about? they won’t help me stop What if there’s a criminals then I’ll just crazy turn around and a have to stay paranoid bunch of white guys start about anyone different.
COMMENTARY
I Think the Chicks in My Women’s Studies Class Appreciate My Opinions BY JASON YEI
Out of all the classes for group projects and everyone joked I have taken at Rutgers, “Not Jason!” That good natured ribKnowledge in Women’s bing means they’ve really accepted me and Gender Studies has into the class. to be the absolute best. The group I ended up in has the I’m learning so much about how advantage over the others. No one else women see the world and how differ- can have the distinct male perspective. ent they are as people. Participating in this I never fully realized “I said I didn’t under- class has shown all the how difficult it must there that men have stand the concept of a girls be to in a lower class of opinions too. We’re real people. people, not just pieces of ‘pay gap’.” Even though I’m meat for them to ogle. the only guy in the class, I think all the They need to understand that I’m chicks have been really accepting of breaking boundaries here. I’m trying to me. When I said that I didn’t under- participate in a female dominated field. stand the concept of a “pay gap” there I’ve had to overcome a lot of roadblocks was absolute silence. I think that shows while studying. they really appreciate my distinct point I’m not sure my girl classmates can of view as a man. truly understand how that feels. I hope Last week we were splitting up having me around can help them.
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
PERSONALS “Quote”
DICK LICKERS
FAT BEATS
PICKUP ATTEMPTS
To ********** at the Targum: you’re STILL at it? I’ve been gone for a year it it seems you’re still the pretentious, ignorant asshole that you always were. I’ll tell you why people take their anger out “on the businesses that employ millions of Americans”: because those same capitalists got filthy fucking rich off of the rest of our misery and no one has been held accountable for it. Good to see that you’re just a pawn for the rich and a traitor to your fellow students. Please shut the fuck up and stop writing in the Targum.
I wear my pants below my waist because you and your man are planning to hate. Now I would argue and debate, but that’s not my persona because I will be President Obama. And these pointless raps are are pointless facts like Christopher’s Mama. Now Christopher’s white but his mama black which I can’t understand. I guess adopting children is a new trend because orphanages so willingly lend. (I can’t believe I’m saying this but that was one of the more entertaining rhymes we’ve gotten over the years.) To the 300 lb. girl on the bus on Friday night: Your pole dancing may have only lasted 5 seconds, but it was enough to scar me for life. Please don’t do that in public ever again. Also, I don’t know how your friend managed to sit next to you because you were taking up 2 seats. (EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. On the other hand, a lot of black guys popped one at that.)
I want to get to know you but you seem distant to everyone except me sometimes. Last year you cut in line and grabbed my arm to pretend to be with me at a screening of The 5th Element at RSC. You talked to me until you were in. I also gave up the last piece of chicken to you. I see you all over for 2 years. You are white with long straight dark hair always in a pony tail and you wear glasses, about 25. You always wear a skirt or shorts, have a mostly green IMA LL Bean book bag. You don’t ever where any Rutgers apparel although you’re a student. When I say hello you’ll say it back under your breath. I caught you looking at me many times especially when you’re passing me. Just talk to me, I won’t bite (unless that’s what you’re looking for LOL). Really, you’re expecting me to say something and I try but this is not hard to get, It’s HARDER to get. (Ok dude, now you’ve probably REALLY creeped her out to the point where she’s going to change her ENTIRE daily routine to get away from you. If she hasn’t spoken to you yet, SHE DOESN’T FUCKING WANT TO, stalker.) to every smart and attractive girl I’ve met so far this semester: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU ALL INSIST ON ALREADY HAVING BOYFRIENDS???? And to every ugly girl that has hit on me so far this semester: get a boyfriend that isn’t me. There is a lot of talk about overcrowding in the Daily Targum. This is to the drivers, dispatchers and RUDOT that run the buses. RU FUCKING STUPID IDIOTS! I often see an overcrowded EE with 1 or more empty EE’s right behind it. If your driving an empty EE, radio the driver ahead (or the crowded driver could radio behind) to pass when safe like at Henderson or College Hall, DICKHEADS! To the girl rocking the Reptar shirt near Murray Hall today: just wanted to let you know I think you’re fucking awesome.
(Those of you who’ve been around for awhile may remember that this toolbag has been called out previously in The Medium. Hating this dude spans generations...) To the guy complaining about his Calc IV teacher: the word you want is epitome, not epidemic. You’re smart enough to be in Calc IV, use proper english. (He’s in Calc IV, that means he probably didn’t speak English as his first language. Speaking of which.....) Callin me an idiot for not being able to figure out why my calc IV teacher has profuse pit stains all along his body? Please enlighten me as to why he does. (I cannot believe I actually have to revisit this; you’re a Calculus 4 student for fuck’s sake. You may know how to calculate the derivative of some really crazy shit that I don’t understand but you have the social skills and knowledge of a mute Autistic child with Leukimia. You will soon have gross pit stains as well, just like your teacher, IT IS INEVITABLE!!!!!) To the annoying narcissistic shitbags taking 500 million pictures of themselves on Photobooth, I hope you get anally raped by a banshee that jumps out of your computer from another dimension. (So you’re essentially hoping for Nocture from League of Legends (yes I’m a nerd, deal with it fuckers) kills them, good luck wit that one...)
To my anti-Semitic neighbor, while I do appreciate classic rock, playing Blondie’s “One Way or Another” while having a picture of Anne Frank showing just is not cool. You’re a giant cock. You will never get it sucked by any person, male, female, or your mother, you repressed fucking bastard. I hate you. I think you should go hide away somewhere so someone can reenact the Hitler Youth movement, but instead it would be on you. You suck. I hate you so much that I need to say it again. Also, I fucked your sister. She’s ugly, and I wish her face was hidden too. You cockmuffin. To the short Greek girl living in our house. You have severe histrionic personality disorder. Google that shit. (You know the treatment for that? A hysterectomy! Bust out the ether and nonsterilized scaple, mid-1800s style!) to the psycho girl who won’t leave me alone: please fuck off
the Medium
FROM THE DESK OF SATANIC YODA MUCH better this week, people! We actually had enough submissions to the point where we only had to spend 6 collective man hours putting this shit together this week! I bet you’ll also notice that this week this page is actually, if I do say so myself, funny. It’s funny when you guys write this page, not when we do. Since we had only 1 page of Personals this week, anything that didn’t make it this week will go in next week. Also...... Do you think you’re funnier than we are? Do you think you can do a better job than we do dealing with the clowns of Rutgers? Want to try being Personals editor for a week? Check back here next week for how to become Personals Editor for a week! ~Satanic Yoda, Senior Personals Editor To the girl who decided To the creepy little Italto wear white underwear ian fucknut in pharmacy: under black leggings: I’m Stop trying to hit on that sure you got a lot of guys hot girl that’s twice your attention unfortunately height, she’s clearly just that wasn’t because they trying to be nice to you. were admiring your Either find a girl closer to body, that was because your height like Snooki they were laughing at the or come to terms with fat on your thighs and the fact that you’re going ass that you could see jig- to die a virgin. Do us all gling as you walked. a favor and OD on oxycodone in the stockroom (Well then...) when you’re a real pharTo the stupid bitch who macist. keeps asking questions (Get them a job somewhere in my EDA class. No- in the heartland so they can body likes you, even the be a hilbilly drug dealer, teacher trys to shut you that’ll seal their fate.) up every single time you ask a question. what is To the stupid apes in the wrong with you are you PAL building shut the retarded? cant you see fuck up and go back to youre fucking hated by the zoo. No one wants to hear your shitty ass juneveryone? gle beats. NEXT TIME I (Get them a job somewhere HEAR THAT JIVE SOME in the heartland so they can SILVERBACKS WILL BE be a hilbilly drug dealer, RAPED. that’ll seal their fate.) To the guy playing SNSD To my ex-boyfriend. in the lounge Tuesday--I You’re an asshole. That thought you were aweslut you’re now sleeping some! but your shorts are weird. with has herpes. Ihateyougodie. This is upside down.
Wednesday, October 12th, 2011
AMEN, MAN - FROM OCCUPY WALL STREET
WINE & LIFESTYLE
Wednesday, October 12th, 2011
“High ho Silver, AWAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!”
CHESS GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!
Win in three moves as black. Do it, you won’t.
YUMMY!!
RESTAURANT REVIEW
MAKKOLI
BY MORGAN FREEMAN
All my life people have asked me about the foods I consume and the foods that I enjoy. When people ask me this question I have a simple answer, sushi and seafood. However there is always the issue of quality and the issue of cost. As I arrived at Makkoli, located at 415 Rt. 18 South East Brunswick I did not know what to expect. As I entered, a wonderful aroma entered my nostrils and I was greeted by a small asian lady. I was seated properly and pleasantly found out that lunch would only cost me $11.99. The food was heavenly and I have no complaints, as a matter of fact I only have compliments. Crispy shrimp Tempura, crunchy Spider Roll, luscious Salmon nigiri. All of it was done properly. The fresh and refreshing ice water was complimentary which was another pleasant surprise. At the end of the day I was so satisfied by the meal, I sat there and took out a cigarette to smoke as if I had just ejaculated into a woman’s birth canal and she was busy making me a sandwich. I was that satisfied.
A RESPONSE TO THE PIC
I don’t know how it happened, but she said it was no big deal. She got off from riding me and I told her to bend over, and that’s when I saw it. I offered to take her to the emergency room, but she said “I don’t feel a thing, now give me that sweet meat!” I did, of course, even though I was pretty much fucking a popped blister the size of my fist. No wonder you’re such a nice kid; your mom is so sweet. Wait, how did you get that picture? Did you go through my fucking phone?
HOW TO LIVE IT UP
YOUR CUTE AMAZING DISTRACTING MAZE
HASH FOOD OF THE WEEK BY SUPA KRUPA TROOPA STAFF WRITER
Do you have Italian pride? Do you love to get stoned? Here’s the perfect recipe for you! Ingredients ¼ ounce active dry yeast 1 teaspoon sugar and salt 1 cup warm water 2 1/2 cups bread flour 4 tablespoons cannabis oil Any sauce that makes you saucy Shit ton of cheese And any toppings you’d like Directions 1. Mix the yeast and sugar in water. 2. Stir in flour, salt and cannabis oil. 3. Flaten into crush then spread with toppings and bake for 20 minutes.
FANCY OF THE WEEK
As i sit here and design this page for you I have whisky and cigar in hand
Ight, so, there’s my recipe. BON APPETIT. If you gotta problem with it, then don’t use it. BADA BING BADA BOOM. If yous a real Italian and you wanna make yo Uncle Luigi proud, feel free to toss the dough in the air. Just don’t get the dough stuck to the ceiling. If ya motha sees that mess, you know you’ll be sleepin’ with the fishes. But on a serious note, if this pizza doesn’t fuck ya up, feel free to go smoke a Mary Jane… you always know where to find your cousin Vinny, he’s always got the goods. I gotta go do my laundry, tan then maybe I’ll go to the gym too. Arriverderci!
YOUR WEEKLY ALBUM REVIEW
As REVIEWED By: KANA ABE
Producer and musician Bryan Charles Hollon of Boom Bip got a bunch of great artists involved on his new record, ‘Zig Zaj’. Luke Steele (Empire of the Sun), Alex Kapranos (Franz Ferdinand), Josh Klinghoffer (Red Hot Chili Peppers), and Cate le Bon (NeonNeon) can be heard throughout this album. daaang. The genre is experimental to me because it takes rock to a fearless yet distant electronic level that I’ve never heard before. ‘Pele’ is dissonant and inspired by surf rock while larger than life songs like ‘Manabozh’ sound more likeBattles. Boom Bip has collaborated with artists like M83, Mogwai, Danny Elfman, and Super Furry Animals. Steve Buscemi ever vigilant.