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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
Volume xli Issue vI
50¢
October 13th, 2010
PUBLIC HEARING
CHILEAN MINERS HESITANT TO BE RESCUED 'It's become so much better than the shitholes we lived in' BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
SANTIAGO—By next Wednesday thirty-three Chilean miners trapped beneath the earth’s surface will be brought up to the surface, after spending months beneath ground. During the development of the rescue operations, the Chilean government supplied various novelties to provide comfort and support to the miners in this trying time. Upon hearing the news of the rescue operations taking place, the miners appeared hesitant and began begging to be the last person to leave. While this was assumed to be a showing of camaraderie, the actions were actually more self-involved. “Let’s be honest here, we are blue-collar workers in a third-world country,” said San-
Local Bakery Gets Twitter Account: hopes publicity will generate more dough “We just want people to, you know, follow us and shit,” commented the owner, Pablo Escobar. Recent tweets include “Bread’s done!” and “We’re ordering more flour!”
Modern Rap Turns 21, Becomes Legal and Mature Says one rapper, "Calling bitches 'hoes' is degrading 'beautiful sluts' is more appropriate" LAP OF LUXURY
An artist's rendering of the cave where the miners are trapped.
tiago Pena, a truck driver for the mine. “The government is giving us all this free stuff. Why would I ever want to go back to my one room shack on the side of the
highway?” Despite the protests, the Chilean government is continuing the rescue operation.
Continued on page 2
LAW REINFORCEMENT
NBPD uses federal grant money to establish NBPDPD BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER CONTRIBUTING WRITER
CAPITOL HILL— After receiving $8.34 million from a federal program designed to assist police departments with their operations, the New Brunswick Police Department announced that they would be using the money to establish the New Brunswick Police Department Police Department “To protect and serve the people who are tasked to protect and serve the people”. The Police Police will provide a peacekeeping law-enforcing body that will make sure that all laws are being followed by normal NBPD officers through a traditional style of enforcement such as tickets and arrests. “I’m very excited about heading up this very cutting edge crime-fighter crime fighting program,” said NBPDPD Capt. Capt. Richard Smolski. “It might get a bit confusing since technically, 87% of all crimefighting methods are illegal
NEWS QUICKIES
NJ Voters Confused About Barack Obama's Religion, Study Says Study also shows that NJ Voters think that Communism is a religion
Paladino hopes children are not exposed to gay culture, college Paladino was quoted as saying that Gays have parties where everyone is naked and grinding. Has he ever been to Louis Street after 3:00pm?
WEATHER TODAY'S HIGH
SCHIFTY FIVE! TOMORROW'S HIGH
DOUBLE DUTY
SCHIFTY FIVE!
In keeping with their commitment to doubles, NBPDPD officers are also polygamous.
and the titles are confusing but Rome wasn’t unnecessarily bureaucratized in a day now was it?” The NBPDPD has mostly spent its time enforcing the laws by following around NBPD
officers and pulling them over every time they pull motorists over for traffic violations. Usually, the NBPD officers will receive a ticket for illegal parking of their vehicle or causing reckless endangerment by turning
MY I.Q.
Known to cause Herpes in the State of California ESTABLISHED 1970
SCHIFTY FIVE!
THE MEDIUM
NEWS
Wednesday, October 13th, 2010
"Once upon a time there were three clones of Terri Schaivo...'"
BEING... A DOUCHEBAG
BUELLER...
RUPA SPONSORS "PUNCH A SMART-ASS ROLL CALL PHILOSOPHY MAJOR IN THE HEAD DAY" TAKES UP BY ABA SABABA HE DOES THE WEB STUFF
COLLEGE AVE— Spurred by numerous complaints from the student body, and by the fact that philosophy majors are generally pompous dickheads, RUPA has announced that a campus-wide “Punch a Philosophy Major Day” will commence next Monday. “We’re frankly sick and tired of snorting Adderall to cram for exams while the philosophy majors study long hours with a smile on their face, just for the fuck of it,” commented RUPA spokesperson Marie Pace. “It’s time these douchebags hated learning, like the rest of us.” Anger towards the philosophy majors precipitated af-
See, usually philosophy majors are a lot less clear ter an incident last week, when a philosophy major failed to laugh stupidly along with a fel-
low student when that student blamed his status as a fifth year senior on the RU Screw. “It was unbelievable,” said Rizwan Aslam, a super senior majoring in Communications. “I told him the administration wouldn’t let me graduate because it totally sucks balls and hates the students, and you know what he said? He calmly explained that had I not been so short-sighted, I could have checked the degree requirements before taking Lesbians in Film three times in a row!” Anyone wishing to express their hatred for philosophy majors is encouraged to rant mindlessly on their next status update.
JACK WHO RIPPED ONE
Girl passes gas, then passes away
"No really, I know I'm laughing, but I'm legitimately saddened." BY BOE JEGONIS HE DOES STUFF TOO
COLLEGE AVE—School of arts and sciences sophomore Suzannne Gordon died Tuesday after mortal embarrassment resulting from a fart in class. Gordon, 19, was in her Intro to Media Systems class when she lost control of her lower intestine after a sustained internal battle. When the class realized where the sound and smell came from they burst out in laughter. She slinked down in her seat, trying to hide, when
Miners - Continued from front “We want to get these miners home safe,” said Hank Dallman, a United States Mining engineer associated with the rescue. “It is more cost effective to get them out of the mine than to continue to nourish them on the government dollar. “ “All I know is that they recently switched from generic brands to name brand food products,” said Memphis Bahruth, a miner. “If they keep going at this rate, by December I’ll have a Jet Ski!”
Editorial Staff Fall 2010
F
suddenly she was dead. “It was heinous dude,” said Angel Stevens. I was a couple of rows behind, when the smell just hit me. It was like one of those farts that you get after drinking a few bottles of gin and finishing it off with a fat cat and a fat moon chaser.” Students eventually dismissed the fart and continued with class. When class was over the professor took notice that she was still in her seat with her head slouched over her shoulder.
EMT’s rushed to Lucy Stone Hall, but were not able to revive Gordon. Professor Steve Miller, head of the Journalism department commented to The Medium after the University population was notified of Gordon's passing. “She was a really sweet girl, a smart student; however, that was a really narsty fart.” Memorial services will be held on Friday in her hometown of Chesterfield. Her family has, obviously, opted to go with a closed casket memorial service.
MAJORITY OF PSYCHOLOGY LECTURE
BY RANDOM ANONYMOUS STAFF WRITER
COLLEGE AVE—This past Monday in Scott Hall, room 135, Gabby Zvorsky’s Intro to Psychology professor conducted his first random roll call of the semester. The class, in which 417 students are enrolled, would come to a halt for approximately 45 minutes, leaving students exhausted from the heat and causing two minor injuries. Zvorsky commented, “He took our attendance in alphabetical order, so I left for a half hour and visited my friend outside Milledoler Hall.” However, upon returning to class she learned that the professor had stumbled pronouncing every Asian and Indian surname listed on the roster, causing an even greater delay. When class finally resumed with only twenty minutes left in the period, the professor tore up the attendance sheet and assigned the class to write an essay response to his actions using the fundamentals of psychology.
Event's Around Campus
11
Did you register to vote yet? DID YOU REGISTER TO VOTE YET? YOU DIDN'T REGISTER TO VOTE YET? JESUS FUCKIN CHRIST WHY DIDN'T YOU REGISTER TO VOTE?!
15
Internationally renowned literary theorist Jane Park will be visiting Rutgers to discuss her latest book "I only sat in on this so I can get into bed with this cute girl in my lit class"... 'least as far as you're concerned
9
Free Coldstone ice cream at the RSC...wait, this event actually already happened... oh well, I'll advertise it anyway just to bum you out!
16
WHY DIDN'T YOU REGISTER TO VOTE???!!!!!!!!!!
NBPDPD - Continued from front on their emergency lights, also illegal. So far, response to the new program has been mostly negative, with NBPD officers expressing annoyance at being arrested whilst arresting a serious offender or going about their regular duty. “Last week, we had to give out a noise violation to people who were being loud and partying on their porch and these NBPDPD Officer Officer dicks come up and give us a noise
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Reven MacQueen John Bender Joey Threlfall Tim Swanson
violation!” said NBPD Sergeant Chris Michaels. “Noise violations suck, I can’t believe that anybody would give them out for just chilling out and talking outside! It’s not like we were causing any trouble or anything like that! Total bullshit! Hey you! Yeah you! This is a $500 noise violation, so maybe next time don’t stand around ‘chilling out and talking outside’ and not causing trouble or anything like that. Have a nice day, asshole.” News Editors Kaitie Davis Jordan Gochman Features Editor Katie Russian Opinions Editor Erinn Koerner Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editor Carmella Luczak
Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Photo Manager Webmaster Faculty Advisor
Kenneth Brooks Amy DiMaria Jack Knight Abe Stanway Abe Stanway Barbara Reed
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. Este número está dedicado al Departamento de español. Sólo porque estoy tan cabreado que yo tenía que tener un examen a las 8:00 pm de un domingo por la noche.
Wednesday, October 13th, 2010
FEATURES “I want youuuu and your beautifuuulll soo0o0o0o0uuullll”
THE MEDIUM
Medium Phrase of the Week:
The Boyfriend Tense Definition: A part of speech in which a girl refers to herself with the acknowledgement and addition of her boyfriend for the majority a given conversation. Present tense: My boyfriend and I are going to the movies. Past tense: My ex-boyfriend and I went to the movies. Future tense: The hawt guy I wish were my boyfriend and I might go to the movies.
Philosophical Teachings with Johnny J
The Importance of Greed As I was lying on a bench near Hickman Hall, pillow on hand as I am a nap-enthusiast, the general Cook/Douglass atmosphere (contact high) began to affect my ponderings. I was starting to think about how to make the world a better place! How silly of me, for we all know that’s not possible. My main lines of thought involved “Could the world work if there was less greed?” upon further examination, I concluded that no, it could not. Let us look at an obvious example, the health industry. If, god-forbid, a major disease were to be cured, thousands of researchers would lose their jobs! That is clearly not an option, as those thousands of people would likely turn to some sort of poetry, writing, or music, and that would provide more competition for me. Well done fellows, keep profiting off of partially curing diseases and we’ll be golden. And hey, what if we tried to stop murdering each other, and robbing each other blind? Our friends the lawyers would have too much free time on their hands, Police would arrest you for not coming to a complete stop, and worst of all, 90% of television drama would be cancelled. For the sake of Law and Order, Psych, Monk, The Closer, go and commit at least one misconduct per day (my Lawyer has advised me against encouraging felonies, but use your own judgment). I was perusing the Daily Targum at some other point in time,
and stumbled upon a fantastic little piece about Cuba in the Opinions section. My attention is drawn to the end of the letter, where the writer points out that “greed works” in an economic sense, and that his advice is to “follow the money for happiness or despair”. This is a man I would like to sit down and drink tea with, for we clearly share some key views on life. It cannot be argued that greed is not in fact a viable economic force; much in the same sense that it you can’t argue that whale-oil is not in fact a viable method of lighting. And most certainly forget about being happy, as long as you have enough money to buy as much useless junk as you could ever want, you are set. My favorite part of the article was how he closed it off with reference to a Beatles song, because nothing makes me think about being greedy quite like they do. At any rate, it’s clear that if we want to keep this system that works just so perfectly we are going to have to work for it. Be willing to go farther than ever before; you know deep down you can increase your desire for money ten-fold if you try. Don’t limit your greediness to just cash though, eat the last of your roommates snacks, insist that your bag needs its own bus-seat, cock-block your friends, and whatever you can think of. Ignore any contradictory feelings, because morals just get in the way of an emptier and greedier you. -Johnny J
Going inShane
A Commuter’s Intoxicated Take on Rutgers
Saving Saturday Nights This past Saturday night I conformed to the masses of inebriated, sloshed and crunk college students by taking New Brunswick by storm with my bro, Pete. Along with his bro, Colin, we met tons of other bros and our fair share of ho’s. These bros were sometimes with their ho’s but it didn’t matter cause it was all one, big shit-show. I only have one complaint about the whole night; it started too late. I understand that the night-life at Rutgers is what makes Rutgers… well, Rutgers. But let’s face it, folks, we could be partying so much better if we started earlier! I come from a family that knows how to have fun with “beverages” for a long time. Personally, I can probably pace myself for a good 10-12 hours without making love to a streetlight or blacking out on someone’s stoop. This is because I know the “fundamentalcoholics”. In my family, we consider learning these things important and vital for football parties and life in general. To fully understand the fundamentalcoholics, one must start drinking immediately. Most of you have already failed because you did not get up halfway through reading this and open a 24 oz. of Coors. I’m disappointed but I’ll still share some of my secrets because I want Rutgers to be a sunset to sunrise school; whereas, I see it now as a midnight to 4 a.m.
Submit to features@themediumonline.com
kind-of-thing.
1. Drink Gatorade All day, from morning to night, drink water, Gatorade, Powerade, or any kind of “-ade” that will prepare your body for a full night of mayhem.
2. Eat Meat Ladies, get your minds out of the gutter, at least for now. Chicken, veal, and seafood do not count! I’m talking steak, pork, and even venison! Eat a fucking deer before you party! If that doesn’t get you pumped, I don’t know what will.
3. Organization Excuses are the best way to ruin a good night of partying. “Oh, I can’t go, I have to study,” blah blah blah. Do everything you have to do a day before or a day later. There’s no crying in baseball and no excuses on Saturday night. Organize, so you can socialize.
4. Backups Parties often turn out to be busts or they get broken up. Always have a backup or two in mind. If you’re 21, don’t forget about bars. Even buy some drinks for your personal fridge so you can throw a small, improvisational party at your house if all else fails. There are many other things I could share with you; these tips are just breaking the ice. Perhaps, I’ll write a book but for now, work on your tolerance you little jerks so we can start our nights at six o’clock, together!
THE MEDIUM The Medium Interviews THE ONION!!!!!!! If there’s one thing that Medium writers love, its the Onion. The Onion is home to some of the most entertaining satire known to mankind. Recently, The Onion News Network released “The Onion Future News Network,” bringing updates from the year 2137. The Onion was at Comic Con on Friday to discuss this ridiculous new development in the world of fake news. Sum Dum Joo talked with ONN Head Writer Carol Kolb who was very excited about making fun of things. Sum Dum Joo: From concept to distribution, how long did it take the Onion staff to create the Onion Future News Network? Carol Kolb: We worked on it a long time, more than a year, because we were doing it on the side along with our regular videos. It took a long time because it’s incredibly dense and the graphics are amazing.
THE MEDIUM AT NE
“I’M REALLY EXCITED! WHY ARE YO
comic con: b
men
AMOUNT OF MATH REQUIRED TO COMPLETE THIS LIST: A LOT.
number of wo
NUMBER OF EDITORS THAT KNOW MATH: ZERO number of creepy storm troopers: 1
number of storm troopers: 15
number of women
SDJ: What was the writing process like? CK: We start by pitching headlines. We wrote a ton more articles than ended up in the final product, which we always do to keep quality high. At the end of the process we did a pass for continuity and to make sure the language we created matched throughout the video -- ...people swear more. SDJ: What ideas and concepts from today’s society did you use when creating stories and language for the OFNN? CK: The world we present is a crazy science fiction world, but it’s also a satire on modern society. ...It’s also simply a parody of news. In the future we imagine that news will be a relentless onslaught of graphics and ads and noises because that’s the direction the real news is headed... OFNN is available for sale on iTunes. Its really awesome.
Photo Credit: Onion News Network
What’s Shakin’-Touching People Famous people just feel better against my skin
I had a simple goal at Comic Con: to physically touch a famous person. The problem is, to get close to most of the guests, you need to buy a ticket and I’m on the lower side of poor. To touch someone, I needed to use some hobo craftiness. The celebrities were pretty well guarded against those without a ticket. I got pretty close to James Marsters (pictured left) , a Buffy the Vampire Slayer alum, but the best I could do was stand near his table and stare like a creep. I started to leave the media guests, resigned to failure when I was presented with a miracle. Judah Friedlander, comedian and 30 Rock star, was en route to a panel discussion and had been mobbed by a few fans. I jumped in, got cozy against him, and in doing so, reached success.
EW YORK COMIC CON
OU GUYS NOT AS EXCITED AS ME???”
by the
Wednesday, October 6th, 2010
Yeah Comic Con!!!!!! by KCIG
Arts editor
n in sexy cos-
en
fm o r e b Num at
People payed 50 bucks to go to Comic Con, and preordered tickets way in advance, waited in line for hours... I can’t help but laugh. Since I’m technically an “editor” of a “newspaper” that “reports” on “events,” The Medium was able to score press passes.
f
er o b m Nu en m
n who can pull it
Number of people in cosplay outifts: 8,354
Number of virgins:
all three days are totally I thought I would be able to blend into the crowd as an anonymous reporter, but we saw a lot of people from Rutgers who we avoided talking to because we figured it would be awkward. And the whole convention was basically like walking through Busch Campus.
Times transformed into a truck: 0
Asian super-
Asian Snacktime booth, selling
Playing the Dead Space 2 Demo. A guy running it said I was one of the top 3 players he had ever seen.
KCIG and Dr. Clayton Forrester BFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
We did a bunch of fun stuff, and did a lot of walking around. I shook a Storm Trooper’s hand. All together, Comic Con was a good way to procrastinate on my homework.
THE MEDIUM
OP/ED
Wednesday, October 13th 2010
“I was going to write an article; but I didn’t”
Defense: What’s the Next Intercourse Porn Frontier (Virtual Ninjas!) BY: THE HUMMING BIRD Contributing Writer
The idea is simple; Part A goes into slot B. It’s so simple that it has even started to get a little boring. The answer is just as simple. Screw-nacorn. Screw-nacorn. Screw-nacorn. Next time you’re about to engage in some coitus, throw in the w i l d a n d crazy screwnacorn. Picture the following. You’re rolling around in bed with your lover. You’re hot. You’re sweaty. Breath is coming in quick gasps between soft lips. Your partner goes for the traditional chain of command. Without being forceful, just whisper into their
ear “Let’s try something new tonight...” In a gentle manner, reach over to the bedside table, and from the drawer remove a dildo. Strap it on your head, firmly. Fuck your partner like a unicorn on crack. This might not seem like the greatest of ideas at first, but if you use more imagination the thought quickly becomes very erotic. All the smells a n d tastes of sex r i g h t th ere in your f a c e , juices d r i p p i n g d o w n y o u r forehead; just thinking about it gives me an erection. And ladies, if your man isn’t willing to strap it on, put it on your own head and bull rush him when he isn’t looking. He will secretly like it.
Jerking off in the Shower isn’t Smart BY: WIDELY INAPPROPRIATE Staff Writer Ok, so sometimes you have to lighten the load a little. Maybe your girlfriend is holding out on you. Maybe you can’t crack the code of some of these Rutgers girls. So you think it’s a good idea to whack one in the shower. Everything seems convenient, you have flowing water to clean up the mess. You have a lubricant in soap or body wash. The warm water feels good. All of these things seem like nothing can go wrong. Well it’s an illusion. When you finish you know what happens. It gets stuck to your hand or wads up on the floor. You try to swipe it away with your foot, but then it gets stuck to your foot. What do
Love, Hate, Retaliate. Send in your submissions and see your name in print OPINIONS@ THEMEDIUMONLINE.COM
you do? Scrape it away with your soap or your hand. About that soap, did you use it for a bit of lubrication when you were peeling the banana? Well you may have noticed, after you made instant pudding, that the tip of your dick is burning. Not feeling so good anymore, are you? One other thing. Now you have to make sure you’ve cleaned it all up. You leave a little bit lying around and somebody is likely to notice. If that happens you’ve got a world of explaining to do. So you have to spend all that time making sure you’ve hidden the crime. So while making love to Palmela Handerson is a thing we all have to do at some time or another, keep it out of the shower. It isn’t really worth it.
BY: THE GAY HAWK Contributing Writer
Kids today are spoiled. God dammit every time I go to do some research on Google I stumble onto three dicks inside a vagina! I am disgusted by this, simply because I don’t have enough time to masturbate every time this happ e n s . Porn used to come with a price, a real price! Viruses, tedious w o r k , and all sorts of dangers (especially if you don’t erase your history on your moms computer 0.o), but now it is safe as those fucking new wave playpens for babies. WHAT HAPPENED SOCIETY!? Back in my day I had to work for it, and I mean I had to work for it. I felt like a nomadic hunter searching for a fresh boar to kill to keep my family alive, but instead of hunting for an actual boar I was searching for big tits and warm apple pie pussy, and instead of keeping my family alive, I was keeping an erection stiff! NONE the less, it was a hunt and that was half the joy. Nowadays these youngsters just type in the word porn into Google video (turn safe search off kids ;]) and BOOM! Boobs, vag and dick all over the screen. It just isn’t fair, and not because of
the lack of hunt (even though I miss the occasional surprise gay porn) but because they are not getting the negative side effects porn had on me. I was lucky to get a video back in the day, and by lucky I mean getting a video of crappy quality (didn’t know if it was a couple or two dudes... didn’t care) that lasted at most 35 seconds. 35 SECO N D S ! And I trained, a n d trained until I could finish that quick. It was like running miniature relays; start the porn JACK IT FOR 30, start the porn JACK IT FOR 30, start the porn AND A WINNER!! Porn trained me to be a quick sprinter, and I don’t know if I will ever recover (if any ladies want to help me out, e-mail the medium for my number ;]). So, society, we need to make porn difficult to get to again! Of course there are new parental blocks, and ‘safe searches,’ but I want danger (virtual ninjas)! I want these kids to feel like Santa is going to snap off their dick if they play with it (my mommy told me I would go to hell with the Jews)! So please, please help me make porn more difficult for the next generation, so they experience the same journey every boy had to before them.
Cute Things Corner Best Friends!
All Alone...
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The Medium, you guys fucking rock. I read all the shitty papers and think “how the hell to people write this boring shit?” then I read this and realize what awesome writing is all about. Keep it up. Harry Crack-Man
Above
Submitted By: Dr. DreyHood
Below
Submitted By: The What’s Shakin’ Editor
Above
picture taken by the cellphone of our loneliest staff member.
Think you can do better??
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
PERSONALS
“I hope you’re happy. Now I have to start over again.” ; “I am.” ; “Fuck you.” ; “You would.” KNOWLEDGE IS POWER
MI CASA ES MI CASA! JODAN A TI.
STAND BEHIND THE YELLOW LINE
Okay, to the girl in the spandex and blue coat who was practically molesting herself next to me while she was doing diff eqs or some shit at the lab in ARC...I don’t know if you had a stomach ache or you were turned on or what but but you totally did that integral wrong! You’re still cute though =).
To the housemate who hasn’t paid rent in two fucking months: Just remember I know where you sleep....
Weekend buses are such a crock of shit for College Ave. kids. Did Rutgers suddenly forget that most College Ave. kids park their cars in Livingston? Make a fucking bus that goes directly there on the weekends, nobody wants to go to Busch or Cook. Fuck those places. (Really. You actually have a car and you have the nerve to make this complaint. Boo hoo, it takes me an extra 10 minutes to get to my car , and then I can ride wherever I want in the time I want. Fuck you, you car having person.) to the bald guy on the Lxc bus.. the bus isn’t your own personal monkey bar... please stop crucifying yourself.. the only girls you can impress by your brutish behavior are women of the cloth.. (I have no idea what ‘women of the cloth’ means but right on.) why do the busses always go out of service at the CA student center? would it kill them to scoot down the street to scott hall? why do the busses always go out of service at the CA student center? would it kill them to scoot down the street to scott hall? I hate you juy on bus who spread ur legs so wide u took up 3 seats and ur fat gurl took up a min of 2 while so many people stood. To the guy who trying to hit on the chick next to you on the REX B. Nice try, but she wanted no part of that. Way to fail as she texted her friend to tell her to call so she wouldn’t have to listen to you.
(Way to spit game, bro... Correcting her math errors. Hey, it could work though. I have no bias...) to the guy/girl who stole my organic chem exam... seriously?? who the fuck steals an exam??? you envious prick/cunt.. i am taking this class for the second time and you have no idea what i will bring to your door once i find you.. i will skin you alive and feed your liver to the Raritan marine life.. don’t laugh.. because i mean it.. (Wait... I’m confused. How the fuck does someone manage to steal an exam? Don’t get me wrong, I’m on your side man. I would flip the fuck out on that asshole if I found out, but I have questions.) dear bio professor, just because you say “clearly” before every other sentence doesnt make your rambling obviously understandable To the guy in my American Social History Class, seriously STFU, no one wants to hear you speak. And when you do speak, turn down the volume. I do not think they need to hear you on the other side of the world. And shave your face and get some contacts. Thanks. (Do you want him to shut up or to get laid?) To the couple who was sitting in front of me during infant and child: I really really really really do not want to see you guys make out during class. If you want to make out, don’t come to class and spend your time doing it . Please knock it off. I don’t want to see it. It’s nasty. (I guess they’re doing their homework. How can you make an infant and child to watch develop without a little foreplay in class?)
(Why is that? You should’ve kicked that bastard out two months ago.) To the loud motherfuckers partyin in their room down the floor: your trashy ass music and your colorful lights make me wants to smash your heads into the goddamn fucking wall. Good job. You’ve created your own pink light district, you filthy whores. Please put your fucking clothes on before you both get herpes. That shit’ll last forever - even after you’ve failed out of Rutgers. (Wow. You seem to be a very angry person. I would highly recommend you visit the Counseling Center at 17 Senior Street, and work out your problems. Otherwise, keep writing personals.) to my roommate, I had a long but pretty good day friday until I went to our dorm room. I was flipping shocked when I saw you chained the door. I was fucking pissed when I waited for you to stop blow drying your hair and you still didn’t open the door! But you know what pissed me off more, getting that fucking text “um I chained the door” well fuck yeah I noticed! (Why would you chain the door to blowdry your hair. Sigh.) to my roommate: I will NEVER be polite to you again! We’ve only been living together for 6 weeks and your side of the room is so MESSY! Stop tracking the tiled floor with your dirty wet flip flops! I wouldn’t mind it IF YOU USED THE DAMN MOP, and CLEANED after yourself! I’m not your maid nor am I your bitch! Btw I saw the chain, I’m smart enough to know you locked me out! Move your messy ass to the quads; btw the hair shit you use stinks up the whole room! (What the hell is up with people and the chains? Rude as hell.) (Shoutout to J.R. for teaching me to curse in Spanish.)
(LMAO!!! That’s hilarious! Kudos to the girl.) to the boy on the EE..the bus was NOT crowded enough for your ass to be that close to my face to the boy on the EE..the bus was NOT crowded enough for your ass to be that close to my face
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1. Don’t Buy A Rabid Dog. 2. Eat Your Vegetables. Yes, You Really Should. 3. Never Microwave A Cup Of Semen. Really, Don’t. 4. Send Personals To The Medium Everyday!!!
personals@themediumonline.com FUCK BITCHES GET MONEY
DA’ REST
to the 2 idiots at brower takeout on king neptune night. what the hell?! football is meant to be played outside, seeing as u only had not even 2 minutes to throw the damn ball to each other b4 having to actually get in line. well arent you too fucking cool guy in round pink spectacles sitting outside au bon pain (I don’t know if this was sarcastic, or serious but either way, this sounds like an awesome thing to wear.) To Asian Morrissey who lives in my building, please, please, please reconsider your haircut. You just haven’t earned it yet, baby.
condoleezza rice sounds like a mexican dish. dear sensei, thank you for teaching me kung fu so i can karate chop all the dirty bitches away to prince poppycock, you complete me (WTF?) the entire computer lab often waits on 1 printer. budget cuts of course. why? so that rutgers can place and power little electronic scrolly thingies on the newspaper stands thanking you for reading the targum, which nobody does. money well spent. (First of all, this is stupid for so many reasons. The main thing is that the sign has been there for like ever.)
SERIOUS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT THE WEEKEND 2 DOES NOT STOP AT THE SAC, EVER. NEXTBUS DOES NOT WORK ON THE WEEKENDS THERE. USE THE TEXT MESSAGE THING OR ONLINE. AND TO THE IDIOTS THAT SIT THERE FOR 40 MINUTES AND SEE 5 WEEKEND 1 BUSES PASS WITHOUT FIGURING IT OUT, GET A BRAIN. AND FIX THE SIGN, JACK MOLENAAR. - THANKS, DR. K.
Wendy's 2% Paulies 7%
Neilson DH 4%
Other 4%
Busch DH 13%
Jimmy's 45%
Giovanelli's 14% Brower DH 11%
Last week, you fatasses voted for your favorite food place. This week, we’re gonna vote about dicks. Keep submitting your votes and personals at personals@ themediumonline.com! -Dr. K
Do YOU think this guy from last week is overcompensating? “i hate it when the tip of my dick falls into the toilet water every time i take a shit, it’s just so fucking big...” HELL YES / HELL NO / NO ONE READS THIS, GIVE UP
PERSONALS
Wednesday, October 13th, 2010
“Hello. I will be your Queen of Awkwardness and we shall rule the land.” WTF? SERIOUSLY.
EFFIN’ WEIRDOS
EMPTY THREATS
CLASSES
You don’t do that, you don’t cock block me when I was just about to talk to her. You don’t do that. To the dumb fuck who shoved an SD card into a Mac’s cd rom slot. What was going through your head when you did this. That is probably the dumbest thing I have ever seen someone do. I hope they made you pay to get that shit back. DUMBFUCK!!! (Oh, fuck no. Are you serious? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!?! How could you do that! WHY?!)
To that hipster eating a mozzarella stuck from the sidewalk, you are just proof that hipsters are dirty scum. (Yeah because, the fact that they trot around in bushes isn’t scummy enough.) To the “drunk freshmen” on the way to the football game who were screaming so proudly about being drunk freshmen: I very much hope your livers come to despise you. To the blonde girl who looks like Juno... marry me.. I am obsessed with the dimples on your skin and your braces... hopefully you are not underage. P.s. you owe me a dance. I was the drunk peanut butter skinned guy with the raspy voice.
To that girl driving by the BCC blasting and singing to Glee’s version of don’t stop believing. You made me want to cut my ears and get a bazooka so next time I fucking blow your car up. (Do it, faggot.) To the girl who started texting when I tried to engage in a serious and intellectual conversation (at the party on Huntington)... I bet you’d talk to me if I started rubbing my penis against you.. or if I flung some shit at your face... you are fixated in that ancestral mind frame where guys have to prove their fucking worth in front of your sorry, sexually selective, and cellulite filled ass.. grow the fuck up.. and act like a human being instead of a bimbo. What a disgrace to women.. (Wow. You sound like a real gentleman. I am glad chivalry isn’t dead after all.) To the NBDPW...how many projects do you need to be working on?! Finish George Street you lazy bastards! It been going on since early July and if I have to wait behind another bitch with a stroller because you leave a 2 foot gap to walk through again I’m going to staple Cahill’s dick to the back of his neck and carry him around like a purse. To my roommate; If you ever wake me up at 1 in the morning I swear to God I am going to go all angry Russian on your rude, loud ass. Seriously, I will do. I’d watch it if I were you....
To the guy in my Networking class; Just stop it already, because all you are doing is making me crazier than I already am. Thank you. To the person playing the flute in the room under mine; Why the hell are you playing the flute in your dorm?! It sounds like someone is dying down there, but no its just you attempting to play the same three notes over and over again. Get a life or fall off the face of the earth...that ones totally up to you...but just leave my ears alone! To the Wrangler who sits in the front row of my Prisons+Prisoners leture hall; Kindly shut the fuck up and stop being disrespectful to the professor. Like he can’t see/hear you.... WELL we can all see/hear you. You must be a freshman. To the guy in my Applied Research class with the gauge earrings; I usually don’t go for your type, but your arms are oh so muscular and sexy. I bet you could give me some bruises... To the girl with the blue hair in my Internet and Info Environment class; Seriously, please grow the fuck up. It is obvious that you are an attention whore, but you are in college honey. Get over yourself. To the girl that is constantly asking questions in that monotone voice that makes me feel like I’m in class with Ben Stein, dude shut up or put some character in that voice before I throw my phone at you. (Really? Wow. Throw a graphing calculator.)
To the girl on Easton Saturday night who wanted to play Motorboat chicken with me: I am so sorry, I did not immediately understand the rules of the game. As soon as you left, I figured them out, and I was sad that we did not play. To that tall chick that offered me a kiss for my boge by the Scarlet Pub on Saturday night - Are you really that desperate?
To my self acclaimed racist plus “anti-theist” friend... you complete me. No homo... To my apartment mate, you don’t look like Brad Pitt with your shirt off and give me back my fucking slippers... (Oh some of us are in fact To all the creepy ass very, very desperate...) Indian guys who chat A big fuck you to the me up, kindly fuck off. RHA for changing the Just because my skin is movie for their campus- brown does not mean I want your dick. I’m not wide movie event from “The Thing” to going into medicine. I do “Zombieland” and final- not listen to Jay Sean. My ly to “Twilight: Eclipse.” last name is not Patel. Go How do you go from an fuck yourselves, you amazing John Carpenter desperate fucktards. movie, to an awesome To the many people I zombie flick, and finally have seen getting their to a fucking poor excuse picture taken with RBK fuck you. By constantly of a movie? To the amazing guy who taking pictures with him, smiled at me while I was you’re just encouraging getting off the bus stop, him to be self-centered, thank you. You turned attention-grabbing assmy night from being re- hole, don’t do it. And ally sucky to actually be- you, RBK, try wearing something other than a ing okay. Rutgers needs more people like you. bandanna. It’s called vaIf you read this and we riety, douche bag. continue to keep running To the slutty slightinto eachother in these ly chubby asian chick random places, please whose shopping mansay hi, because I’d love to tra is probably “if it aint short and tight..it aint talk to you. right”...call me. To my friend, To that short Phi Sig girl WARP SPEED!! that lives in Cambell 1st That is all. floor, I thought you were Girls in Jameson B on really cute when I first the second floor; PLEASE saw you and then I saw stop singing. I beg of you! you were in Phi Sig and You’re tone-deaf, pitchy thought I shouldn’t bothvoices make me want to er, you’d probably just rupture my eardrums. steal my house anyway! Just put the guitar down.. ...I am just very, very con(Fucking loud people.) fused. You have no idea.
THE MEDIUM ...SRSLY?
To the girl with the elvish necklace...WOW!! You are not nerdy for having watched Lord Of The Rings...in fact you are a living breathing prodigy... I would worship the ground beneath your beautiful feet...if only you walked on air... To the girl spreading her legs at the Livingston gym... I see your cameltoe and I raise you my buldge :) To the girl who recently straightened her hair, I thought you were moderately attractive with curly hair, but honestly you now routinely make my jaw drop. Sincerely, Boy you know. (And that, men of Rutgers, is why we put ourselves through two fucking hours of making ourselves look like we do. Thank you for noticing! Spicy Caramel loves you.) Ahhh midterms..its times like these I think of billionaire college dropouts like Mark Zuckerman, Bill Gates, and the owner of Virgin Airlines To the stressed-out cutie in Old English: you’ll be fine, the midterm won’t be too bad :) To the Adonis who kept looking at me in Busch wings takeout...I know you saw me...and I saw you! Holding the door for you was the highlight of my college career. I would slaughter ever man, woman, and child at Rutgers to get into the golden nest behind your sweatpants. Condoleezza Rice sounds like a mexican dish. (Ole! I do not have the accent thingy. Sorry.)