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October 14th 2015
Volume XLX Issue V 50¢ ARE YOU SYRIOUS!?!?!?!?
STUDENT SPEAKS OUT ABOUT FRIEND WHO JOINED ISIS BY SAWYER DRUZE EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—Recent photographs of Islamic State in Iraq show Oregon-native Bobby El-Wajahidiya (né Roberts) destroying an ancient Babylonian temple recently vacated of its priceless relics. El-Wajahidiya drew national focus and the attention of commuter student David Mathieu. Mathieu, currently studying Political Science and Ancient Civilizations, was once pen pals with the famous Johnny Jihad. He came to our reporters with the story: "I was absolutely shocked to see Bobby in the picture. I recall him writing about his longing to travel the world. It seemed romantic at the time. If I hadn't lost his address in the move all those years ago, I would still be in correspondence with him, a terrorist! "I've tried reaching out to him on Facebook, but apparently El-Wajahidiya is as
FEEL THE FUN This is one snap shot of a post card sent from ISIS through the US Postal Service.
common a last name as Bobby is a first name. I doubt I could read a thing on his timeline anyway." What may have sent young Bobby to be enlisted in the Islamic State? Why does he hate America and all that is unquestionably good in the world? Roberta Roberts, Bobby's mother, was reached for answers. "He just always wanted to travel but we never had the money. One day, he came to
me excitedly, saying he would visit the Middle East. I asked him how, figuring it must be unorthodox and I had been thinking about 'crowdsourcing' a trip for him. He told me he got recruited by a startup. 'Israel?' I asked. 'Islamic State.' That was the moment I realized he was a monster and always had been. Mrs. Roberts continued to produce postcards from her son, with greetings such as "My Continued on Page 2
GIRTH FROM THE EARTH
Groundbreaking Discovery Found at Rutgers Construction Site BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS HALIBUT MASTER
PISCATAWAY— A monumental discovery was accidentally made last week during the construction of the new Chemistry Building on Busch Campus, as an intriguing human skull with a penile perforations was uncovered. The skull was immediately sent to the Anthropology Department, where researchers came to the unanimous conclusion that this skull represents the earliest evidence of skull fucking in the human race’s extensive history. and presents with an inch-and- being held in the Ruth Adams Carbon-14 dating reveals the a-half-diameter cock hole in left Continued on Page A7 skull to be over 15,000 years old temple. The skull is currently
TURNT UP Since 1970
QUICKIES
Don Lemon and Anderson Cooper Do It Following Dem Debate Student from Other College Demands Trans Rights Asian Couple Spends Entire Hour Taking Pictures of an Autumn Tree Local Toilet has "Seen Some Shit." Music, Sports Management Student Losing Rocktober Bracket Los Angeles Shrouded in Beautiful, Poisonous Mist Boyfriend Realizes Threesome is not the One He Expected One More Quickie Fits!
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NEWS
Wednesday, October 14th, 2015
themedium.news@gmail.com
“Don't worry. I coated my tongue in Preparation H.”
THAT GUY
NOTHING LIKE A FORM-FITTING BURQA
Asshole Mulls His Options Lovers Look to Find at Rock Café Compromise Between mean, it didn’t hurt, but it was BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS Tradition and Priorities EXECUTIVE NERFHERDER really fucking annoying,” said
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ— The Rock Café experienced major congestion yesterday as one asshole decided to take his sweet time selecting which orange juice he should buy with his egg sandwich. The decision between “some pulp” and “calcium plus” seemed to confuse this simple-minded prick, as he was unaware that a growing line had taken form behind him. Reports indicate that this “idiotic waste of space” allegedly stood in front of the refrigerator staring at the selection of beverages for a full minute before walking away and not selecting one at all. However, more reports came in only seconds later, as this total cunt nugget turned abruptly and his high school frosh pack hit another student who just wanted to pick up a ready-made sandwich and not deal with this kid’s bullshit. “I
Mallory Schneider, a SAS junior who didn’t need this right now. “Seriously, what’s up with that fuckwad?” In the latest update, this total sack of shit got his one egg sandwich and entered the line for the register, but he was listening to his music too loud and didn’t hear the cashier call for him three—THREE—motherfucking times. He then proceeded to count out his payment in pocket change and crumpled onedollar bills enthusiastically as if the prospect of paying with exact change actually gives him some sort of visceral joy to this absolute loser. While many victims are still recovering from the holdup caused by this dud of a human being, he was later reported at Alexander Library, where he apparently had to print out his entire textbook and jam the only working printer.
acknowledgement between sexes should be prohibited. There's so much covertness and covering up, it is surprising that not every Harsh and Pooja has Dissociative Identity Disorder. International student Xian Shan, 16, has expressed her frustration with her parents' constant insistences. "They send me to US to find Jewish husband, but I want Chinese husband. I should have a say, I have freedom here!" She attends the free weekly Hillel dinners at Brower to appease them. "They say if I don't at least try for a future lawyer, doctor, or accountant, they'll ship me back home to work. I'm here for a B.S., not a M.R.S.!" In the weeks since this article began development, Eddie has found himself a fiancée who suits his parents' guidelines. "I will actually please my parents and have the chance to be happy. Fathma has a great personality, enchanting eyes, and a sizeable herd of goats for a dowry. I can't wait to see what she looks like underneath her burqa. I'm nervous about her appearance, but I'm confident in our love."
BY SAWYER BOOZE EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ— Under extraordinary pressure from his parents, Saed "Eddie" Zaywadeh, 22, is expected to marry or be engaged by the time he graduates with his bachelor's degree in Genetics. Until now, though, he had found it difficult to find "a devout Arab Muslim bride, not another white skank!" as his parents require. "It's difficult," he explains, "because I'm supposed to focus on my school work and not waste time with girls. I'm concerned they may already have me betrothed and this is all an act to make it seem like I have any day in the matter." Though his parents wouldn't comment, Eddie's siblings tell us this suspicion is well-founded. Eddie's quandary is one experienced by young folks in most immigrant cultures present on campus. Indian and Pakistani students, for example, often carry on in secret romances, as their parents seek to arrange their marriages. Until then, tradition dictates that intermingling and PEN PAL
...continued from Front
Infidel Mother", "Capitalist Swine", and "Allah-Blessed Mothers' Day". A heartless monster though he is, Bobby
still remembered to send his mother a Sumerian urn filled with Christians' fingers and call her on her birthday.
CHECK OUT OUR SITE TO SHARE INDIVIDUAL ARTICLES AND PICTURES VISIT US: RutgersTheMedium.WordPress.com AND SUBMIT TO US, BODY AND SOUL! OR JUST SUBMIT YOUR WORK EACH PAGE'S EMAIL IS IN ITS HEADER. OR SHOW UP AT A MEETING, 8PM IN ROOM 439 IN THE RUTGERS STUDENT CENTER ON WEDNESDAYS
AND BRING ME PIZZA AND CANDY SORRY, BUT WE GOT A PAGE TO FILL
Editorial Staff Fall 2015
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Michael Vincent Yagnesh Patel
Henry Yeh Fratypus
News Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Jonathan Holzsager Opinions Editor Lee Matalon Arts Editor Jake Goldstein Personals Editor Sifat Mahbub Page A7 Editor Andrew Blustein Features Editor Aly Grindall
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Matthew Fastiggi Sifat Mahbub Orion Farr Adam Romatowski William Field Lemon Dawn
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the Dixon Ticonderoga pencils. They are the Cadillac of No. 2 pencils.
FEATURES
Wednesday, October 14th, 2015 themedium.features@gmail.com
the Medium
“HEY GUYS FRAT BROS READ US WHAT THE FUCK”
THE FUTURE IS IN YOUR HANDS
WHORE-O-SCOPES BY SAMSUNG
Libra: Unfortunately, the blood moon was messing with your stars. Have someone hold your earrings; you need to fight a bitch soon. And if you have a vagina, you will have a really heavy period this month, but at least you’re not pregnant. Scorpio: Hello, ugly one! Be careful when you text that person you have been eyeing for weeks, they have realized how ugly you actually are. But don’t worry; the beer goggles are extra blurry this month. The next frat party is your golden ticket! THE FUTURE IS IN YOUR HANDS
Sagittarius: Oh, joy! The dollar sign stars are aligning this week. You will come into a lot of money soon. Looks like your bank robbery will be going according to plan! Capricorn: Mars is trying to fuck up your day. Your nudes will get out soon but hey at least you look top notch in them. Getting your nipples pierced and the razor burn was worth the Internet fame. Aquarius: Venus is getting too attached to your stars this month. Your significant other will become bat shit crazy. You need to gain the courage to tell them to hop off your dick. If you don’t have a lover, your mom will miss you a lot instead and get upset when you don’t return her calls. You should go home, she will do your laundry this month. Pisces: Neptune is being a homie for you. The planet is crossing with your stars giving you God like powers. Have lots of sex soon! Your dick will grow an extra inch! Be wary; after Neptune passes you’ll be back to your tiny penis. Aries: Your stars are exploding into black holes. Unfortunately, so will your bowels. Stock up on Pepto Bismol and Beano. Taurus: Your stars will be moving into the formation of the Chinese flag. This means you will ace all your midterms this week! But also, you might get pink eye so your eyes will swell to only tiny slits. Gemini: You are such a bitch. Your stars are spelling out “go fuck yourself.” Cancer: I got bad news for you, Cancer, also known as “The Crab.” You won’t get crabs but syphilis is near. Looks like your lover is a huge whore, but now you don’t have to feel guilty for that night with your TA. Leo: The planets are aligning in your favor. Take chances. In the words of Drake, “You only live once. That is the motto nigga YOLO.” Virgo: The sun is shining in your direction but Saturn is throwing some shade. You’ll stay a virgin this month but blow jobs will hold you over.
I BARELY HAVE GRAY BOX SPACE! COME TO OUR MEETINGS 8 PM WEDNESDAY, CASC 439
HOW TO ADULT PART 2
HOW TO MAKE AN IMPRESSION BY HEN HEN MAN
Okay so I told you all about how we’re all growing up and need jobs and all that shit, but damn it’s hard to get one! Especially since we’re all just stupid little copies of each other, I mean come on all girls wear that same raincoat and all the boys wear Vineyard Vines. So basically, you are extremely forgettable so we’re giving you the tips you need to stand out in the crowd of applicants! 1. Don’t smile 2. Don’t say hi 3. Don’t smile and say hi 4. Start complaining if asked how your day is going 5. Make sure you haven’t showered, shaved, used deoderant, brushed your teeth and, whatever you do, don’t you dare wear clean, pressed and fashionable clothing 6. Try to mumble, stutter, lisp, whisper and make frequent nonlanguage noises such as squeeking, tittering laughter, oohs and aaahs, grunts and moans and other animal sounds 7. Forget what people tell you immediately 8 . Assert your dominance by farting aloud and blame it to the interviewer or recruiter and then giggle at them 9. Ask people for their middle names and then ask them if you can call them by their first names and then promptly forget their names 10. Take the interviewer out in a date at Brower Congrats on your fucking job motherfuckers. Send me and Hen part of your first paycheck
HOW SHITTY IS YOUR OPINION
WHAT YOUR OPINION OF MINORITIES SAYS ABOUT YOU BY GRIND ALL
Here at The Medium we care about how shitty you come off to other people. This is why we have made a list of the stupidest stereotypes and what it means about you as well as a rating on how shitty of a person this makes you! “Black people aren’t worth shit” Congrats you are living in the 1800s! I bet you still think it’s normal to marry your cousin too. Shitty person rating: 150%. You are a pile of shit. “Mexicans are probably rapists” GOOD ONE DONALD TRUMP I SEE YOU Shitty person rating: 1000000%. YOU’RE FIRED “Asians can’t see” Have you taken a biology class? If you did you probably failed it because you didn’t have any smart Asian friends to help you through it because you’re a dick. Shitty person rating: 70%. Have fun being a racist janitor for all the Asian CEOs “Gays are gross and unnatural” Bitch I see you grabbing STDs left and right with your no condom lifestyle. Shut the fuck up, your herpes sores are gross and that lighting in your selfie isn’t natural. Shitty person rating: 70%. Bet your mom didn’t love you. “Muslims are terrorists” BUSH DID 9/11 STOP THIS Shitty person rating: 800%. You are a cow pile of shit “Jewish people are cheap and have big noses” And you know what? Those noses can smell your fake ass from a mile away. Also have you fucking seen a Bat Mitzvah?! There is nothing cheap about that shit. Shitty person rating: 90%. You’re a fake pile of shit. Have fun being shitty!
the Medium
OPINIONS
Wednesday, October 14th, 2015
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
“ Hobo STD is a terrible name for a font.”
BLACK COMEDY
Why Are You First Complaining About Racism Now? BY COL. HENRY RUTGERS Revolutionary War Hero & White Land-owning Male
There has been a lot of controversy lately surrounding my history of slave owning and general racism appropriate from that time period. In fact, some people are even demanding reparations for my actions, as if my statue will somehow magically come to life and take the podium to apologize. Well I have news for you: my slaves LOVED being slaves! Or at least, I didn’t hear any complaining about it. I mean, if they hated being slaves so bad, why didn’t they ever say anything? It just seems awfully odd to me that people are complaining about it NOW, you know? I mean, I owned slaves for decades! My whole life, almost! Are you telling me that throughout that entire time, not one of my slaves thought to poke his head through the door and just be like, “Hey man, this isn’t cool.” I don’t believe it. I consider myself to be an open and considerate slave master- if one of my pieces of property had a problem with how I ran things, I’m certain they wouldn’t have had a problem telling me! I mean, with all the singing they did all the time…weren’t they having any fun in the fields like that? No, no, certainly the people of the present must be exaggerating. If there’s one thing I aimed to do on my Rutgers Estate, it was to make sure that all the people — and slaves — had a good time.
FOR THA KU$H
FIVE TIPS Yunq OG Jeb Bush’s
for smoking
WEED
This Winter!
LA-DA-DA-DA-DA It’s the motherfucking J-E-B! (JEB BUSH!) LA-DA-DA-DA-DA You know I’m mobbin’ with the G-O-P! (YEAH YEAH YEAH You know who’s back up in this FILIBUSTA!) What what what what? (So legalize the weed up then!) Legalize it up, legalize it up! (Just blaze that shit up guv’na, yeah, ‘sup Jeb??) Yung Jeb, debate ‘em all, guv’na burn the shit up I-R-A-Q my brotha bomb that shit up F-B-I, N-S-A, yeah we lockin’ kids up And when ya boy find oil this in the country you finna’ drill up Gay lovers, sin makers yeah they giv’ heaven up Money sense, defense budget goin’ up Spendin’ hunnas while we runnin’ fo’ the Party’s support Slip me twentyseven hunna and we gotcha fo’ sho’ Libs lookin’ at me strange but ya know that I own her Step up inna fillibusta’ just a-swangin’ my Boehner Donny quit talkin’, Trump walk if you just a celeb Take a bullet with some dick and take this dope from this Out of town, bring it down like the Corporate Tax And if yo’ ass get sick, ay yo healthcare get axed Come back lil bitch, light a blunt and undress If you vote for the J you’ll be relievin’ your stress...
...Smoke Weed Everyday.
FROM THE DESK OF THE JEWS EDITOR
Targum Not Biased Enough
BY JON GALT Print Journalism Reader On Tuesday, October 6th, the front page of the Daily Targum featured an article that objectively reported on the University’s new partnership with Tel Hai University, Israel. It covered expectations of development and implementation of agricultural innovations through cooperation between the schools. It was informative as one would hope to expect from the news. However, one should note that the piece was devoid of any references to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. That’s just unprofessional and uncharacteristic of the Targum, a publication known for publishing opinions about Palestinian suffering nearly five days of the week. The Targum, a near-reputable publication, has published many scathing editorials of the Zionist Entity in the past for such war crimes as marginalizing a population due to security concerns and not defending their attackers enough from their own military. It should be noted that Israel’s war with Hamas in Gaza was the only war to ever have child casualties and any affirmations to the contrary don’t support my narrative. Everyone knows that Israel is our enemy even though it’s technically our country’s strongest ally in the region. Well now, our state and our school are working with Israel to everyone’s economic and humanitarian benefit! As soon as people realize we’ve aligned ourselves with inhuman monsters, I’m sure everyone with a conscience will join me in deferring enrollment to keep money from going to Israel (and New Jersey). Also, they will join me in boycotting Israeli technology. Jon Galt is a fourth-year undecided major in School of Arts and Sciences minoring in Middle Eastern Studies. He submitted this editorial typewritten and can only be reached via landline telephone and by post mail.
UNIVERSITY VOICES
How Has the Gas Leak Affected You?
“I don’t know, but it sure affected my housemates!” Your Housemate Chad Extremely immature
“More than heteronormativity but less than the Patriatrchy.” Bill Phillips Less privileged than you
“...”
Chung-Hsieh Wei Insisted on staying behind to study
COCAINE!
Now that I have your attention, come to our meetings, Wednesdays at 8PM in room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center.
Wednesday, October 14th, 2015
themedium.arts@gmail.com
“WHAT A SPIKE” BY GOLDIELOCKS
“How do you even get that low of a grade?”
“SIT OR STAND” BY CAILLOU
JOIN THE MEDIUM! FOLLOW US ON INSTAGRAM @THEMEDIUMRU MEETINGS MONDAYS AND WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM IN THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER ROOM 439. ALSO SEND IN ART. FUCK CHASE UTLEY. DICK OF THE PAGE: COLUMBUS SERIOUSLY, HE WAS A FUCKING DICK.
ARTS
“DUNGEONS N’ DICKINGS” BY KITTY THAI
the Medium
PERSONALS
the Medium
“Give me the validation my parents never gave me.”
I Don’t Know What To Say I only to speak to my friends in hashtags.
(You’re definitely the person in the friend group who everyone lowkey hates.) My boyfriend and I are looking for a third. ;) (...A third what? You have to be more explicit. I am not a mind reader.) Yo, this is Asian Cowboy/Indiana Neo/Hat Dude. My hat has been stolen and it’s really messing with being the guy with the hat. If the nerd who stole it would please just give it back that would be grand.
(Since you sent this in a month ago and I am only posting it now, I have to ask. Did you find your hat? Because if not, LOL.)
Wednesday, October 14th, 2015
As a transfer student, fuck y’all pot happy bastards on Cook. I’m trying to sleep. (That’s what you get for living on Cook. Besides, be more considerate. All the animal science majors have to get high so that they can reconcile themselves with letting the animals they help raise get slaughtered.) What should I be for Halloween? I'm a girl, Asian, and slightly pudgy. (You could try being a slightly pudgy Asian boy! There, you are welcome.) I am overcome with Christmas aniticpation. (Oh youre one of those people arent you? SMH. I hope you get coal this year. Really I am just bitter that I don't celebrate Christmas.)
Thing I hate this week: Stephenie Meyer and her new book. Just, WHY? Why would you do this to society, AGAIN? Are you just trying to one-up E.L. James?
WHY WON’T YOU COME TO OUR MEETINGS? WE ARE NICE, FUNNY PEOPLE. JOIN US. WEDNESDAYS 8PM RSC ROOM 439
themedium.personals@gmail.com
Vital Information
They automatically put sugar in Starbucks iced coffee if you don’t specifically ask for unsweetened. (This information will change people’s lives.) Dear personals editor, to what would you compare your thirst for personals? (To a summer’s day.)
I’ve been to every single class this semester and I still haven’t learned a single thing. (I want to laugh and make fun of you but admittedly I am in the same boat. Damn it.) I was excited for the new Twilight book at first but after reading it all it did was ruin my fond memories of childhood adoration for Edward Cullen and Bella Swan. (See now this I can make fun of. What exactly was it about a possessive, tempermental, 100 year old vampire that made you adore him? It’s because he sparkled, right? Don’t even get me started on Bella.) Why believe in God when Taylor Swift is alive and real? (God? What is this “god” you speak of? You mean to tell me there is a deity out there other than T. Swift??) Everyone is so quick to praise the miracle of childbirth, but where is that same praise for the miracle of dropping a hot load inside some floozy and taking off in your Camaro to the not be heard from for the next 16 years?) (You’re totally right. Congratulations to all you negligent pieces of shit out there!) I’m the guy who blasts Backstreet Boys when rolling down the crowded streets on campus.
(Whoa, that’s you? Dude I love Backstreet Boys, I’m their biggest fan! Justin and Lance are my favorites! Let’s be friends.) I am too passionate about eating low carb and it’s affecting my interpersonal relationships. (Low carb? That sounds so depressing. Carbs are life.)
Roses are red Violets are blue. This isn’t a love poem. I hate all of you. themedium.personals@gmail.com
Watch Your Health It saddens me that everyone believes the food pyramid is actually healthy and good for you. The government doesn’t give a shit about your health they just want to make money. (Hold up...the government doesn’t care about me? But. I thought we had something special.) My diet consists strictly of popcorn. I haven’t lost any weight but my poops have been very irregular. (I’d give you advice but I have no sympathy; you did this to yourself.) On Tuesday’s I usually have sex with my boyfriend but this week is the Democratic debate and Anderson Cooper is the moderator, so my boyfriend can fuck off.
(Your priorities make me proud, even if I have no idea who you are.)
Livingston Motorcycle Guy, everyone hates you. We want to park and see an open spot. But wait! It’s a covered bike taking up an entire parking spot. Just take my hope before it swells up again or realize that you can park anywhere because motorcyles do that. (I think you are the only person who actually hates this guy. So you can either confront him calmly or just hit him with your car and speed off. I vote for the latter.)
Uncomfortable Truth
I love having roommates because when I am toolazy to cook I can just mooch off their leftovers.
(This truly resonates with me. I mean, is there really any other reason to have roommates?) (I hope my roommates aren’t reading this.) I can’t find Ariana Grande attractive. Every time I look at her she reminds me of my little sister. (I’m pretty she goes for that look on purpse. Ewww.) How did my girlfriend get me pregnant? (Yes I identify as both male and female.) I hate when people come up to you and ask you how you’re doing. Then you say “fine and you?” Next thing you know they’re spilling their heart out tellling you their whole life story. I’m not your therapist. Or your friend. So I usually pretend I’m getting a phone call and say I’ll be back. I never come back. (You my friend, have such a kind and gentle soul.) My girlfiend and I smuggled back beer from Canada. (That’s cool, but unless you’re planning to send some my way, I don’t care. (No seriously, will someone be my friend? My parents and therapist keep telling me I need friends and I need them off my back. )
PAGE A7
Wednesday, October 14th, 2015
“You+Me=Three because I’m bad at math.”
themedium.a7@gmail.com
TOP 5 TYPES OF GRASS TO EAT IF YOU’RE HUNGRY
OH CHRIS, DEAR CHRIS
...Feel better bro
the Medium
continued from Sports
quarterback Chris Laviano even decided to take the high road and spiked the ball in order to end the brutal punishment unleashed upon the Spartans over the course of the game. Such an honorable action could have only been attributed to his strong upbringing and interim head coach Norries Wilson. Wilson enjoyed his last game as acting head coach with this miraculous almost-victory, and ends his record with 1-2. Only time will tell now if returning Kyle Flood can fill the big shoes left for him after Saturday night’s game.
FUCKING CHASE UTLEY ...I’ll try not to be mean
continued from Sports
leave you, you take your eye off the bag and lose control in your legs. What happens as a result? Tejada, in the wrong place at the wrong time, gets injured. As unfortunate as this is, it was an accident. Immediately, a song from my EP pops into your head. “I Swear This Isn’t What it Looks Like. Alright Yeah, I Fucking Cheated. But Where’s Your Proof, Buddy?” If you find this scenario relatable, then leave Chase Utley alone and leave your couch to go pick up my latest EP, available for $4.99 (tax not included.)
SKULL FUCKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...It’s a tradition
continued from News
Building on Douglass Campus, but is already planned to tour natural history museums across the world. The Smithsonian already expressed great interest in displaying the skull for future generations to enjoy. Derrick Virga, a curator for the National Museum of Natural History at the Smithsonian, commented on the addition of the new artifact. “It’s an American tradition to fuck over the Native Americans. With this discovery on the coattails of Columbus Day, I think that this gives America a long-needed sense of its ancient history, as it represents how indigenous people were literally fucked to death and screwed over.” It is unclear whether skull fucking was a brutal manifestation of male dominance in early humans or suggests an extreme courtship ritual in which a lesser male is sacrificed to show off the penile strength of another man. While the skull’s true origins are still contested in the scientific world, students at Rutgers have already taken a liking to the skull as the first and greatest RU Screw.
Doesn’t This Just Look Delectable BY HUNGRY HAROLD HUGHES
1. Fine Fescues: It does not do well in heat or traffic, so it should be easily digestible, and it grows nice and long. Delicious! 2. Wheatgrass: It has a nice texture and doesn’t require much watering, plus it has the word “wheat” in it so it must be healthy. Yum! 3. Blue Gramagrass: You get a lot of bang for your buck with this hardy grass that can grow up to 15 inches if left unmowed! Tasty! 4. Centipede Grass: It is coarse-textured, but you know you’ll digest this easily damaged grass with ease. Just watch out for those fucking centipedes that shit all over the grass. Delightful! 5. Zoysia Grass: Easily the worst kind of grass. Only grows to like an inch high, has all different kinds of weird textures, and has a stupid ass name. But it still does the trick in a pinch. Sensational!
FASHION FAUX PAS: POPE WEAR WHITE POST LABOR DAY
BOOBS
You’re welcome
LIKE I SAID YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THE BOOBS IN RETURN COME TO OUR MEETINGS MONDAY/WEDNESDAY IN THE RUTGERS STUDENT CENTER ROOM 439 FOLLOW US ON INSTAGRAM @THEMEDIUMRU GO ON OUR WEBSITE, TOO DON’T BE A DICK.
OCTOBER 14th, 2015 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com MORAL VICTORIES ALMOST COUNT. ALMOST
PANDEMONIUM PART II: RUTGERS ALMOST AVOIDS LOSS TO MSU
BY THE BUS KID
PISCATAWAY, NJ— Last Saturday, the Scarlet Knights experienced an unpredictable turn of events against the Michigan State University Spartans. Prior to the kickoff late in the night, nearly every one forecasted that the Scarlet Knights would get shut out by the Spartans, who are in the thick of the Big Ten race and have national championship aspirations. Unfortunately for the Spartans however, this could not be further from the truth after Rutgers’ almostvictory over MSU, with a final score of 31-24. With players such as Leonte Caroo gaining 134 yards and Chris Laviano, (unlike his predecessor, ) throwing less than five interceptions in primetime and a defense team that only allowed 31 points, the Scarlet
hours in the brisk Piscataway night. One Rutgers student at game described his experience as, “hammered,” before continuing on, “I honestly did not expect us to even get a single touchdown in. Just to convince myself to waste my entire night in the cold, I had to take five shots of Fireball, and wash that down with a pack of Yuenglings. But to believe that I almost would have been spending my night at home playing beer "A KNIGHT TO KIND OF REMEMBER" pong and passing the hookah Pictured above is the scene that almost transpired after Rutgers around instead of seeing this shocked the college football world by having a chance to win against the spectacular performance fourth ranked Michigan State Spartans. I’m almost not sad that they lost here makes me feel very Knights outshone their Spartans eventually were able fortunate.” The student, Chris former selves. Dominating to put some points back onto Raynor, eventually had to be the Spartans in the first half the scoreboard, they could transported to Robert Wood 14-10, the Scarlet Knights kept not snatch away the almost- Johnson for alcohol poisoning onto their almost-victory for victory and ended with an shortly after his interview. Near the end of the game, the rest of the game. While the almost-defeat around after 3 Continued on Page A7
KEYS TO THE MATCH UP: RUTGERS vs. PENN STATE
Rantland, A Medium Exclusive: Utley was not malintentioned and also please buy my new EP
BY THE MISSING REELS
-Review the basics, with a focus on down and distance and the consequences associated with failing to gain 1st down yardage on each down -Remember the rule of 1,2,3, which states that it’s outlandishly stupid to spike the ball on any down besides those three -To clarify, what we are saying is don't fucking spike the ball on 4th down -Yes, I could have taken the high road and let it rest, but this is my page and I'll whine if I want to. So there
-Quadruple team Leonte Carroo. I'm not saying it will work, but it might -Accentuate a rusty Kyle Flood by creating a solution of copper dissolved in hydrochloric acid and applying it -Kill me for that last joke -No, really. I deserve it honestly. -Cheap humor is nothing to be proud of. I need to do a lot of reevaluating of my life, and it will start with respecting myself and my peers by avoiding causing second-hand embarrassment with my jokes
Call it a sixth sense, call it intuition. call it my gentle and forgiving nature, call it my tendency to be optimistic and see the good side of people. Whatever you want to call it, I know in my heart that Chase Utley did not intentionally slide into Ruben Tejada and that you should also buy my brand new EP “Can I Have Your Monster.” The evidence is more or less irrelevant in this case. You have to put yourself in Chase Utley’s cleats to really understand what happened. Imagine this: you’re in the heat of a playoff game, game 2 of a series in which you trail the New York Mets one game to none. You just listened to my track, “Futile,” an action-packed tune that makes for a great pregame pump-up song, and you’re friggin feelin’ it baby! You take off toward second base, the only thought on your mind being how big this
moment is and how a track like the one off my EP, “This Kind of Moment is Exactly the Type We Prepare for, Now Let’s Do It, Let’s Seize the Day! Yeah!” would be very timely were the MLB to blast it during games. Or at least during the outrow on tv, just before commercial breaks. That’d be swell. Anyway, you’re about to reach second when you realize you’re charging headfirst into a double play. “Fuck!” you think to yourself, an exclamation that surely is a quote from the third track on my EP “Dammit! Fuck! This is Not a Good Thing, if I’m Being Honest.” When this happens, you lose track of all reality. Your mind slips into a fucking oblivion, much like the fictional protagonist that serves as the inspiration for my stellar track “His Mind Slips Into a Fucking Oblivion.” When all your senses Continued on Page A7
a head coach in good standing SINCE monday