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October 21st 2015
Volume XLX Issue VI 50¢ YOU CAN(NOT) DO IT
NEW BUSES ENCOURAGE STUDENTS TO NOT GIVE UP
BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS THERAPIST-IN-CHIEF
NEW BRUNSWICK—First Transit announced a new addition to the Rutgers busing system, as all campus shuttles will now leave students with encouraging messages over intercom. Popular opinion surrounding the buses is perpetually negative, with many students dreading every second of their commute to class. Relatively recent developments, such as the laying off of galactically-loved bus driver Stan and the addition of the weird white buses that make no fucking sense, have not mitigated the issue of general student body disapproval. First Transit has thus come up with a solution to raise student morale and their opinion of the buses, hopefully keeping them from drawing pornography on the back of seats. The intercom, which would normally announce at each
Students Plan Schedules to Avoid Speaking to NJPIRG Jewish Son Comes Out to Parents as Goy
"...IT'S TRUE!" The scrolling LED banners inside the buses will occasionally support you with lyrics from the most incredible songs of your middle school years.
stop the next destination in the route, will now be replaced with a soothing voice which encourages students to continue with their studies and dreams. Some of the preprogrammed phases include, “Your grades don’t define who you are,” “Everything will work out,” and “You should really call your parents. They still love you.”
There will also be a second set of encouraging phases for all buses en route to Douglass, which will repeatedly say, “Don’t worry. You’ll be going back before you know it.” While the Douglass version of the messages was welcomed by the students, the announcements have been Continued on Page 2
NOT A CROOK
Barchi Administration Under Fire in Gate-Gate Scandal BY SAWYER CLUE EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK— Members of the Barchi administration have been accused in claims that they funneled funds from the restoration of the Gates around Queen's College campus to balance the ledgers on multiple over-budget Devco construction projects on campus. The Gate from the Class of 1902 is best known by students as the metal arch with a lamp seen on brochures. What many do not realize is that the photograph over-used by the admissions department was taken thirty years ago and that
QUICKIES
Greek Week Sacrifices Livers to Dionysus this Thursday Rutgers Camden Secedes; Claims the South will Rise Again Your Class to Fuck You Next Week Cartographer Fears He Misplaced Alaska
the Gate has become "totally shit-rotten inside right now." The Board of Governors approved a motion three years ago to restore the historic
landmark, but higher-profile projects have taken priority. Reappropriation of funds initially assigned to the Gate's restoration Continued on Page A7
YOUR ONLY HOPE Since 1970
Girl Gives LippyBlowjob Despite Going Through Anaphylactic Shock
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NEWS
“Rachel McAdams is the black guy.”
WALL FLOWER
NEW BRUNSWICK—Jacob Blevins, a senior and a regular in the midst of bookshelves at the Library of Science & Medicine decided to take a more adventurous approach toward life this past weekend. Turning the majestic and liberating age of twenty-one this past Friday, Blevins decided to exercise his new alcoholic-rights by heading out to the bars on Easton Ave. Unfortunately for Blevins, living on Busch meant he would have to take an H Bus packed with inebriated freshmen. Never having been able to go out before due to ratio restrictions, Blevins already found this unsettling, but decided that being squished between the door and two scantily clad females would be considered at least half a lap dance. Finally making it to College Ave after what seemed like an eon to the recently turned twentyone-year-old, Blevins decided to get off at the first stop and made his way over to the general direction of Easton. Along his way, the young man was the victim of verbal harassment by a couple of fraternity brothers who criticized his orangeflannel for being too vibrant.
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RARCO MUBIO
Nerd Turns 21; Goes Out for First Time BY T-SHIRT GUY MONEY LOVER
Wednesday, October 21st 2015
Marco Rubio Says “Fuck It”; Will Now Attack Indians
Shrugging it off, Blevins finally made it to Easton Ave only to be greeted by the sight of massive lines wrapping around many of the bars. Figuring he would have better luck heading further down towards Hamilton, Blevins found that Golden Rail Pub had no line, and figuring this would be his best option, decided to enter. As Jacob entered the dimly lit bar, his eyes widened at the site of the Birthday Roulette and he took a spin, only to end up with the result of nothing. Sighing, he decided to try and maneuver his way into the crowd and blend into the scene. Unfortunately for Blevins, having never gone out before, Blevins found his 80's dancing a bit out-dated from the tight shuffling-squirming dancing that most bar-goers of today are comfortable with. Giving up on trying to be just another person going out and growing disinterested of the DJ constantly changing songs within 30 seconds, Blevins ordered a drink for himself and spotted a female of interest. Learning the majority of his game from movies and reruns of How I Met Your Mother, Blevins decided to order a drink for her
BY DR. TOSSED SALAD ANUS ENTHUSIAST
WASHINGTON D.C.— During a private fundraiser this weekend, Republican Congressman Marco Rubio (Fla.) was finally legitimatized himself as a Presidential hopeful by spinning the “Wheel of Ridicule,” spinning “Indians” as the race he will soon be marginalizing. A trusting family man from Florida with a Cuban ancestry, Rubio is not prone to racial outbursts, but declared “I won’t let those frontrunning Republicans get ahead of me!” And with such a statement, the GOP allowed him to enter their secret underground sanctuary to spin the wheel. After the successful Jeb Bush attack on African Americans, the Ben Carson attack on Muslims and Jews, and Donald Trump declaring all Mexicans rapists, Rubio was left with Asians, Puerto Ricans and the throwback Irish as the remaining cultures free on the political hit list. But
alas, the wheel landed on the face of a confused Indian man, just missing the sullen face of Kim Jung Un and “Lucky” the leprechaun. Indians were quickly defined as all taxi drivers, 7-Eleven owners, and Dunkin’ Donuts employees by the GOP thinktank. Rubio has the options of claiming they are the cause for outsourcing jobs and taking the place of white children at public universities. “There are just so many choices: poor drivers, curry, incomprehensible language skills, hairy arms, and more curry. How can I choose what to do first?" anxiously considered Rubio as his mouth watered with the thought of some media publicity. At press time, Rubio is rehearsing for the hidden recording of him saying, “I hate those currydotted assholes,” before having to quickly recall his statement as “misunderstood and out of context.”
Continued on Page A7
RUBIO'S LUCKY BREAK Marco Rubio announces his niche bigotry for the Republican race.
ENCOURAGMENT
...continued from Front
met with skepticism. A recent poll by the Department of Transportation Services (DOTS) found that many students believed the encouragement to be rather patronizing and several reported that the encouraging messages were “a poor attempt to make us feel better about
Editorial Staff Fall 2015
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Michael Vincent Yagnesh Patel
Henry Yeh Fratypus
News Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Jonathan Holzsager Opinions Editor Lee Matalon Arts Editor Jake Goldstein Personals Editor Sifat Mahbub Page A7 Editor Andrew Blustein Features Editor Aly Grindall
attending a state university.” Despite student disapproval, the busing system will continue to play encouraging messages to students at least for the rest of the 2015-2016 term and plans to include listings of backup career options on the LED displays of the headsigns of the buses for students who recently left their Organic Chemistry exam. Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Matthew Fastiggi Sifat Mahbub Orion Farr Adam Romatowski William Field Pol Pot
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Alvin's Hot Juice Box. Snaps if you get the reference.
Wednesday, October 21st 2015
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DRUG SMUGS
OLD AS MOLD
Continuing Ed: A Profile on Our Oldest Student BY GRIND ALL
:):):) 5 Yaks that can guarantee to boost your Yarkarma (:(:(:(: BY THE HEN HEN MAN
Mason Angus is 40 and is one of our oldest continuing education student. Though the University hosts students who are older, Angus is our oldest continuing student. This means that Angus has consecutively been going to Rutgers since 1993. Angus is now in his 45th semester at Rutgers and has accumulated only 50 credits and no decisive major. When asked about how this is possible he responded with “Dude how is anything possible? How are we even here? Who fucking knows?” With that answer under our belts we can fully understand just how Angus has stayed at Rutgers for 22 years. Angus has had an impressive run at Rutgers, rushing every single fraternity on campus at least once. “Yeah I even rushed the ethnic frats because even though I’m white I’m really into tacos and stuff”. Angus was rejected from every single frat and even one sorority when he went through a “discovering” phase. But why is Angus still here? Why hasn’t he graduated or even just dropped out at this point? When asked this question he was extremely drunk trying to start a “Fuck Penn State” chant in front of Brower at 2 pm on a Monday. “WHY WOULD I EVER LEAVE THESE FUCKERS LOVE ME I LOVE COLLEGE I LOVE DRINKING I LOVE WOMEN” then he broke out into Asher Roth’s “I Love College” with level of whiteness I didn’t know existed. Currently, Angus is taking expos for the 22nd year in a row and thinks he really has it down this time. We at The Medium wish Mason Angus good luck on his midterms.
“She’s not pregnant!!!! *emoji of hands up*/*emoji of praying hands*” Dude I promise everyone is going to be just as fucking psyched as you are because in this area we are a team. No matter what you are gender, race, etc, we all can agree that no one wants to be stuck in a pregnancy.
HIDE AND GREEK
“Current mood. A dad outside forever 21” This is just relatable. We all feel like this. Lost and scared. If college had to be described in one way, this is the way it would be described.
How To Survive Greek Week When You’re Not A Greek BY GRIND ALL
1. Avoid Brower steps at all costs Okay this is basic. Seriously those fucking frats and sororities will do ANYTHING to get you to buy random shit. There is nothing scarier than being chased by a blonde bitch in uggs yelling at you to buy cookies or else you don’t care about the kids. 2. Avoid ALL social media Seriously all these kids are gonna do is post about how amazing their organization is and how much they love their big/little. I know what you’re thinking “Isn’t that just sorority girls?” NOT DURING GREEK WEEK. ALL OF FUCKING GREEK LIFE IS NOW OBESSED WITH THEIR “FAMILY” 3. Stay away from George St. Okay so this seems wicked random but Pearle is right there and no one has enough money to actually have a date night in a good location so they all just fucking go to Pearle and let me tell you from MULTIPLE experiences, if you go to Pearle you are gonna get slammed down, under, and over the table by shots. All of these Greeks are gonna have their date night here and you will suddenly find yourself on a EE surrounded by drunk girls at 9 pm with their shoes off and boys who think ripping dress shirts like the hulk is funny. 4. Avoid College Ave if you can If you live on College Ave this sucks but seriously have you ever seen any annoying sorority or frats chilling squad fucking deep in Neilson dining hall??? No you haven’t because just like non Greeks are scared of College Ave, Greeks are scared of anywhere that isn’t College Ave. Hide out with the hipsters on Douglass, the nerds on Busch, or even the freshmen on Livi. Just be away from anyone that h as any Greek letters on and is always shouting. WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS SHOUTING
“If a Frat guy lies about his dick size is that considered Greek Mythology?” This is just funny because it’s true. If you reading this and going “No it’s not!” you have never ever talked to a fucking frat guy about his dick size. “Free and cancel are my favorite words.” -- or pretty much any Yak that involves free and cancel. Again, another thing that we can all agree on. Having nothing to do either because you don’t have plans or even better, because someone cancels plans on you, you get super super excited. Honestly, hanging out with people is exhausting which is why we’re all on Yik Yak pretending to have friends. Any Yak that is about “Asserting one’s dominance.” This really just has to do with asserting dominance over freshmen, weird roommates, or people in the take out lines. But for real, how many yaks have you seen with 100+ up votes about asserting dominance by doing something as random as standing in the 1 hour omelette line.
“Fuck Penn State” Does this even need an explanation.
THIS WEEK
Boner or Crease in Pants? YOU DECIDE
PERSONALLY I THINK IT’S A BONER BUT THAT’S JUST ME ANYWAY WHAT’S UP CREW??? HOPE MIDTERMS AREN’T KILLING YOU IF THEY ARE AND YOU NEED A GIGGLE COME TO OUR MEETINGS ON WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM AT RSC
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, October 21st 2015
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
“I don’t wanna see no dumb-ass Rutgers-Newark titties!”
UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS
I HATE BLACKS
BY LYLE CARLISLE I fucking hate Blacks. They’re disgusting, they smell, and my roommate always brings them in the house. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. Black & Milds, those nasty little cigars with the plastic tips. If you can even call them cigars. It’s like someone at John Middleton & Co. said, “hey, lets collect all the refuse from the cigarette factories, mix it up with some extra cancer, and roll it into a cardboard tube. Can’t forget the fucking slide whistle on the end!” So last year, my roommate started smoking these while drunk. Soon enough, he was smoking them on study breaks, and then on the way to class. Now, he just smokes them, like three a day. But “don’t worry Lyle, they’re not cigarettes, they’re just cigars,” he says, “you don’t inhale cigars, Lyle.” You know what Aaron? Something tells me you do inhale them. Is it the constant hacking every three minutes, so I can’t hear the referees for the Jets game? Or is it the fact that the kitchen smells like burnt hair every time you open your mouth for another spoonful of lucky charms? Jesus Aaron, what the fuck are you doing to yourself?
BETTER THAN BEING MARRIED TO KHLOE
Just take me to another brothel and let me die
BY LAMAR ODOM Fucking Khloe. These doctors are keeping me alive to make her seem more sympathetic. Let me explain. Monday night was fucking awesome, totally worth dying for. I had so much sex and did so many drugs. I was on this crazy cocktail called a COCKtail. It’s a mix of a super viagra, heroin, cocaine to keep the bitches happy, meth to really get that dopamine hard, and literal shark sperm to make you rock hard. I was in sexual rapture, man. I hit and hit every woman in that in that whorehouse, two times, maybe three. I was okay with dying, it was my brothel magnum opus. I was ready. Little did I fucking know, the owner of the brothel called Kris Jenner and now I’m here, in a hospital, alive. Just let me die. Apparently Kris and Ryan Seacrest thought it would be beneficial for Khloe’s image for her to be sympathetic. It’s working, all the headlines I hear from my comatose state say that she is at my bedside, nursing me back to health. Well she is at my bedside, but it is literally a realistic sex doll standing in for her. So I’m here, in a hospital, alone, sad, and still horny from the shark sperm. Just let me die!
LOOKING FOR FREESTYLE RAPPERS $0.00 FEE
How long can you survive a rap battle in a Medium meeting? Come to Rutgers Student Center, room 439, Wednesday Nights at 8PM
UNIVERSITY VOICES MY CIGGA! An African-American gentleman smoking a Black & Mild.
12STEP.EXE
How I Quit League Cold Turkey
BY ANDREJ LUO It’s been three months, two weeks, four days and nine hours since I’ve played League of Legends. As an Asian American, naturally I was drawn to this drug other people call a game. I didn’t believe the stories of people getting hooked and destroying their lives. I figured I could try it once and test it out, but that was a bad idea. For seven years I wasted my life playing LOL. It consumed me. I would sit at my computer for 18 hours a day. School meant nothing. I would just sit there. I lost count of how many times I shit myself. I weighed 81 pounds. I reached rock bottom the end of my freshman year of college when, at the end of a 27-hour session, I vomited on my keyboard and passed out on it. When I woke up I was in the hospital; the staff had to tie me down because my withdrawal was so violent. As soon as I was released I stopped playing. I threw out my computer. I got rid of all my LOL gear. Being sober has been tough, but luckily I found cocaine, which is AMAZING, so I’m good. I’m more focused than ever, my grades have improved and I have nosebleeds about three times a day. It’s great. Quitting LOL cold turkey has been a challenge, but I think I’m up for it. I’m finally back in my parents’ good graces. I mean, thank god for cocaine. I really recommend it. It’s wonderful.
Who do you know here? “Yo, I know Joe! No, the other Joe!” GDI Freshman Doesn’t know Joe
“Dude, I’m pledging here, remember?” Fucking Pledge Now get me another beer
“Hey hey hey, it’s cool, don’t worry, we’ll throw $5’s.” Visiting High Schooler Needs help buying “alc”
Wednesday, October 21st 2015
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ARTS
“Statistically speaking, if you had 7 children, one would be Chinese and one Indian.”
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“SEMIAUTOBIOGRAPHICAL” BY SAWYER
“LIEN AD” BY GOLDIELOCKS
“GIRAFFE AND CHILL” BY KITTY THAI
JOIN THE MEDIUM! FOLLOW US ON INSTA @THEMEDIUMRU MEETINGS MONDAYS AT 8PM IN THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER ROOM 439. ALSO SEND IN ART FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY. LET’S GO METS. DICK OF THE PAGE: DIC TACS
“PEOPLE SHOULD PAY ME FOR ALBUM ART” BY SAWYER
PERSONALS
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“.How the fuck do you not know who Rachel McAdams is?”
FUCK YOU GEORGIA Can we just take a moment and talk about what a shitty state Georgia is? I am so ready. (Go for it bro. Let it all out.) I’ve never met anyone from Georgia that hasn’t given up on their dreams. (That’s because their peach loving redneck asses are dead inside.) If I lived in Georgia I would start every morning by drinking a freshly brewed cup of bleach.
(Pretty sure Georgians already do that, that’s why they’re all retarded.) I’m sitting in the Atlanta airport and Ebola sounds pretty good right now.
(You know if you get Ebola they’re going to quarantine you in the CDC headquarters which is IN ATLANTA.)
Wednesday, October 21st 2015
The state flower of Georgia is the trash can. (Yep, and their state symbol is a dumpster.) I feel like I’ve been hit in the face by too much bacon and also too much Jesus. (Jesus is getting ready to ejaculate bacon grease on your face.) (Was that blasphemous? I hope so.) They say Florida is doomed to be swallowed by the ocean and I hope that’s true. I also hope to God it takes Georgia with it. (I’m starting to think you are just a self-hating Georgian.) (To be honest I was going to give just one section to Georgia hate but once I realized how much Georgia suck I just couldn’t stop.)
Thing I hate this week: ALL THE ASSHOLES PROMOTING THAT STUPID “BOYCOTT STAR WARS” HASHTAG. JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LOOK UP THE ACTUAL MEANING OF DISCRIMINATION AND GENOCIDE YOU NERDY, IGNORANT FUCKS.
Shout-outs Shout out to the chick in the Danny Tanner sweater. Wanna meet up and help me clean my closet? ;) (No, but I’m sure she’ll be happy to help you come out of the closet, which you’re clearly in considering you know who Danny Tanner is.) (We have two Mikes on staff so to avoid confusion I ‘ve resolved to call one of them “Gay Frat Mike.” This is a shoutout to his Greek ass.)
Bad Life Choices
Men who wear skinny jeans make me fucking sick. Why the hell do you want to suffocate your eggplant in denim? DENIM DOES NOT BREATHE. (Maybe they enjoy having their “eggplant” being suffocated. Everyone has their kinks after all.) I need to stop eating entire bags of popcorn and then telling myself it’s healthy because it’s basically corn. (Dude, what are you talking about? Popcorn is good for you! It’s basically a vegetable, just like pizza.) My roommate tried to open up a can with a butcher knife. (Did he lose a body part in the process? Because if he did, he totally deserved it for being a dumbass.) My diet consists strictly of zero calorie noodles and ice cubes. I’ve lost 20 lbs! *sent from hospital* (Next time you wanna eat something unsubstanital and with zero calories, justpick up a copy of the Targum.) (One of our editors doesn’t know who Rachel McAdams is and I am questioning his life decisions and priorities.)
PATHETIC WE ARE STILL HILARIOUS OVER HERE COME TO OUR MEETINGS. WE PROMISE NOT TO SCARE YOU AWAY IMMEDIATELY. WEDNESDAY’S 8PM RSC ROOM 439
They now have garlic bread in Busch Dining Hall! This is the best day of my life. (Your life is fucking sad and I hope you realized that as you wrote this.)
(I heard Landen was pretty bummed that I didn’t mention him on here last week. Well, fuck you Landen.)
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The Rant I’m Entitled To
Damn you fandango for your website crashing and preventing me from getting tickets to the new Star Wars movie. I don’t even want to fucking see it I just wanted the tickets so that someone else couldn’t have them. And you took that away from me. I hope you motherfuckers go bankrupt.
No One Likes You
Honesty
My roommate tried to open me up with a butter knife. (Shit, you must have pissed him off bad. He didn’t even try using something sharper to lessen the pain. Oh well, I bet you deserved it.) How come my neighbors refuse to acknowledge my existence? (It’s more than likely because you are a freak and they don’t want to make you think that there’s a chance you could be friends.)
After my boyfriend leaves on Sunday’s, the shower and I take a week long break from each other. (If your boyfriend ends up reading this and realizing it’s you, don’t come crying to me because I will only laugh at you.)
If parties just played 80s music, I would go out all the time. (It’s a good thing you never get invited to parties then.)
I’m only on season two of the rest of my lifeand I still have low ratings. What kind of corporate media bailout can a girl like me get? (None. But you can do what most TV shows do and jump the shark by doing something outrageous. Walk around in public naked or set fire to some ants.) To the woman who swipes my card in the dining hall, you’re a bitch. (I don’t really have anything to add because I feel like this resonates with everyone.) My roommate lives next to me and it’s super awkward. (It must be even more awkward when considering he watches you sleep every night. You know he does.)
I watched the new Steve Jobs movie and the whole time I couldn’t stop thinking about Michael Fassbender’s penis. (Yeah, you and probably everyone else in the theater. And probably even Fassbender himself while he was filming the movie.)
My roommate has her fan on do you think if I fart she will hear it? (If she doesn’t hear it I am sure she’ll smell it. So either way, you’re fucked.) So my friend, let’s call him Luke, asked if I would ever do a threesome with two guys. I say “well, it depends on who the girl is.” And then he says “girl? I meant with me and my friend Jeff.” So that’s when Luke started to buy me things. (What the hell? I’ve been trying for months to get someone to be my sugar daddy and you just find one accidentally? You lucky fuck. But uh...if Luke is looking for another sugar baby? If so, tell him to email themedium.personals@ gmail.com)
Wednesday, October 21th 2015
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PAGE A7
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“Get your shit together. Get it all together and put it in a backpack.”
GUNS MOTHERFUCKER
MOVIE REVIEW! DON’T FUCK WITH ME
...continued from Sports
the stadium really warranted potentially injuring or killing fans and players at the game, LaPierre grew defensive. “Listen, just cause annually approximately 35,000 people in this country die from firearms related deaths outside the realm of legal firearms usage doesn’t mean that the American people at NRA Stadium: A Beacon for True Gun Lovers of America deserve to be punished for it. Is the death of tens of thousands of people every year a just reason to not let the fans at the stadium have their fun and shoot their turrets? I think the day we start preventing people from having the guns they love just because thousands of people get killed by them every year is the day America becomes rational like other advanced countries. And frankly, that’s not the America I grew up in nor the one that I want to live in. We’re just different from other countries. I mean really, consider this. If 50,000 people died each year from flying kites, would you be ok with banning them just ‘cause of that?” When the entire crowd of reporters agreed that yes, they would definitely sacrifice the nostalgia and joy of flying a kite if less people would die, LaPierre grew angry. “Oh to hell with you un-american bastards!” he shouted, clutching his rifle, seemingly debating whether to open fire on the crowd of people that disagreed with him or not.
I WANNA ROCK By The Bus Kid
Simply one of the greatest sequels ever. A masterpiece of cinema. The beautiful imagery is an orgy to the eye. Watching it I just want to be apart of the action. My hands start moving and my body starts gyrating; I feel unaccomplished if my entire person is not completely immersed in this film. The $8 million budget is put to great use. An incredible ensemble cast works magic on the screen. They have such great chemistry together. They seem to be inside of each other, reacting to their cast members’ moves effortlessly. And the movie has incredible rewatch value. Personally, I was only able to get through about nine minutes of it before I got really tired and fell asleep. I highly recommend this work of art. Rating: 5/5 kleenex
And some special flags for our sestercentennial have left the project anniversary! They’ll be white with the number bankrupt. FLOOD IS A SISTER FOREVER!!! Allegations on the two-hundred-fifty and transfer of funds were they’ll be relevant forevOMG ILY ...continued from Sports denied by the Barchi er!” An internal social sorority founded at the University of Northern administration after an on Michigan in 1937. Flood received a bid after his anonymous whistle- investigation attorney, Derrick E. Cornell, found a loophole that blower, Justin Falks, re- President Barchi and administration permitted the initiation of faculty and threatened a leased classified docu- his organized by Title IX lawsuit. ment to the press. These was university sub“Craft night was my favorite part,” Flood documents also detailed an The continued. “we made ART crafts and got to bond the administration’s per- committee. has with our sisters. Big-Little night was a close second.” ceived urgency in buying sub-committee Flood’s big, Andrea Anderssen, is a senior studying new flags to put around already spent $440,000 investigate the Computer Science. “I love my big, she’s so perfect. I campus. Transcripts from to emails, fell in love with Andi right when I met her that first recorded conversations president’s post, and glove box for night in the kitchen.” detail: Flood has already excused himself from “Now that construc- additional evidence of Saturday’s game against Ohio State in order to attend tion is back in black, let’s foul play concerning the a “Mathletes & Athletes” mixer with Gamma Tau get some flags with the Old Queens Gate. Lambda. The coach has yet to decide what he’ll be University’s new seal. wearing. GATE-GATE
...continued from News
NERD
...continued from News
as well. Going over to her, Blevins offered her the drink but began to stumble over words. While Blevins thought this may have been cute, the female was not interested and rushed out of the bar. Noticing that she had left her phone on the counter, Blevins grabbed it and chased after her, bumping through several patrons. Following after her, he shouted out to her, but the girl responded to what she had perceived as harassment by unleashing a can of pepper spray upon Blevins.
october 21st 2015 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com INSENSITIVE TO VICTIMS OF GUN VIOLENCE. BUT HEY, IT'S PROFITABLE
SEEKING REVENUE, RUTGERS SIGNS ENDORSEMENT DEAL WITH THE NRA
BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON
PISCATAWAY, NJ— While the move to join the Big Ten conference will eventually pay dividends for Rutgers both on and off the field, the athletics department in Piscataway is currently running the largest budget deficit in the entire country. That trend is likely to continue for some time, as the desire to pool money to be competitive in an elite conference clashes with the reality that Rutgers will not get the full financial payout that fully-integrated Big Ten members receive until 2020. As a result of this financial Catch 22, Rutgers has taken matters into its own hands, signing an endorsement deal with the National Rifle Association (NRA) that will last until 2040. The deal includes changing the name of Highpoint Solutions Stadium to “NRA
In addition, the tradition of shooting off the cannon for Rutgers scores and the end of halves will be made “more modern and more American” according to NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre. The “ancient, decrepit” cannon will be replaced with an AIE-486 turret gun that will fire bullets toward the opposing sideline. When pressed on the issue being potentially dangerous, LaPierre responded confidently. “Look, there’s nothing more American than football besides guns. We’re bringing to Rutgers "BAD GUYS WITH FOOTBALLS, GOOD GUYS WITH GUNS" and hopefully soon the rest of If Rutgers returns the opening kickoff for a touchdown against Ohio the country a way to celebrate State, the NRA has graciously promised to give out bundles of 1000 bullets football with guns. Guns plus to 1000 lucky souls in the student section football; we’re making America Stadium: A Beacon for True Gun deal besides the name change. more American baby! Hell Lovers of America,” and will The stadium is set to allow Yeah!” When again asked if the be effective for Saturday’s clash concealed carry at any and grandeur of shooting off a with Ohio State. all events and the concession turret and allowing weapons at The NRA has added other stands are required to sell guns Continued on Page A7 mandates to the terms of the and relevant ammunition.
KEYS TO THE MATCH UP: OHIO STATE vs. RUTGERS
Flood "More Accepted" After Joining Popular Sorority BY EATON JEJEZ
-Have your record books wiped clean so as to prepare for the onslaught of new offensive records you are likely to set against a Rutgers team that surrendered nearly 600 yards to Indiana -Rub it in by letting Rutgers appear like they might finally win a huge game before handing them another heartbreaking loss -Come to my party after the game. 51 Mine Street. 3 to 1 or 5s. Kegs and Juice. Bring your coaches too; their five dollars are just as good as yours
-If Leonte Carroo cannot play due to his injured ankle, let him borrow someone else's -I once shutdown Urban Meyer's son in a game of touch football (true story) when he was 11 and I was 17 at Rutgers football camp. So you should totally taunt Urban about it. You can use my name it's totally cool -Give decent effort like in the fourth quarter and maybe, just maybe, we could pull this off. That's about as optimistic an outlook as you're going to get so enjoy it
NEW ROCHELLE, NY— Coming off of a three game suspension, Scarlet Knights head football coach Kyle Flood was reluctant to take to the sidelines once again for this past Saturday’s game against the Indiana Hoosiers. Suspended for interfering with Academic Integrity, the head coach expressed bittersweet feelings towards his return to the field. “You know, I’ve been around football, all my life. I love coaching, and I love the game,” Flood said in an interview with WRSU’s Chance Flynn. “But you know, I can’t help but feel unappreciated on the sidelines. I love these players, I want to see them grow. But I have to bark orders at them. I feel like a giant douche.” It was a Facebook notification from his niece that prompted him: Oliviana Flood is going to Meet the
no more gary nova jokes SINCE my dad thinks i should leave him alone
Sisters of Alpha Rho Tau. “I had nothing to do for three weeks,” the 44-year-old male explained, "so I went on a whim.” He recalls the Greek scene at Iona College being “small and secluded” during his time. “I never knew how accepted I’d feel until I found ARhoT. You know, I never really felt accepted at all.” Alpha Rho Tau is a Continued on Page A7
"ALL SMILES" Sister Flood says he finds the gentle nature of sororities preferable to the brutality of Big Ten football. He actually skipped the rush event "MNF With the Sisters!"