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Volume XLVIII Issue V
October 15TH, 2014
VATICAN CITY DECLARED NEW GAY CAPITAL OF WORLD
50¢
QUICKIES
BY ANIME HAIR NEWS EDITOR
VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis shocked the Catholic community this past Monday by announcing that Vatican City now openly welcomes homosexuals. The announcement followed an admission by the Catholic bishops that gays and lesbians are “technically human beings” and “don’t actually ruin everything.” Many gay, lesbian and trans* denizens from surrounding countries soon flocked to the city gates in search of a new home. Citizens from Vatican City "DO UNTO YOUR NUBILE NEIGHBOR...WHATEVER FEELS GOOD" were initially wary of their new Can you believe I did no Photoshop work on this picture? Thanks, Bing! neighbors. As Sonny Paolo, 8, describes, “I was-a not so sure interviewed also reported that priests. “Oh yes,” said nine year old about-a dah gays. But then I re- once they learnt was exactly a member: Father Cazzo. He was- homosexual was, they could Michael Armento, a choirboy, a gay!” Paolo is not alone in his immediately connect the con- “the priests, they-a definitely new acceptance; most altar boys cept to their respective pederast Continued on Page 2
THE SHAW SHOOTER REDEMPTION
Missouri Cops Continue Team Killspree BY THE BUS KID STAFF WRITER
ST. LOUIS—Following the shooting and murder of another black teenager, Vonderrit Myers, Jr. by Officer Kent Ronalds, several claims have started to come to light. Ronalds affirms that the victim was a gun-toting thug, while many state that the young black male was only holding a sandwich in his hands and dressed in unintimidating clothing. In an exclusive interview with the Medium, Ronalds tells of his own depiction of how the “HOLY SMOKES, HE REALLY TOOK DOWN A MECH SUIT!” incident occurred. The officer who shot Myers expressed expectations of being lauded as “On the night of October a hero. How could he even tell the kid was black in that suit? 9th,” Ronalds recalled, “I was patrolling around the blocks, draw their weapon, I was able to sloppily fashion at the ceiling. and suddenly I see the suspect unload my entire clip and bring When asked to respond to charging out at me from a dark down the perpetrator in just a the comments of how the area alleyway. Now you have to un- few moments.” was actually very brightly lit, derstand, they called me the Ronalds brandished his Ronalds retorted, “Hold up, I ‘Longshot-Moneyshot’ at the 9mm firearm in front of the news forgot, I had my shades on. You Academy, so while most other crew before firing it in a rather officers would panic and not Continued on Page 2
Making "The Onion" Cry Since 1970
Coverage Inside! Tony Stark Builds Reactor in ARC Gym Bro Preaches Creatine-ism Even Libertarians don't Read Us! My Morning Jackoff is so Relaxing Vatican Accepts Reverend Camden Men's Self Defense Instructor: "Kick her in the Pussy!" Bynes Microchip Denies Responsibility for Tweets Couple goes to Rutgers Club for a Romantic Ambience to Argument Fraternities Resume Screening Porn in Scott Hall
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NEWS
"We don't excommunicate. Instead, you get another circumcision."
HATE US CUZ YOU AIN'T US
NEW BRUNSWICK — Rutgers Hillel recently completed construction of what appears to be a small dining hall in the plaza of Brower Commons. The wooden structure, which measures 8 cubits by 10 cubits and has a roof of shoots, has been fitted with tables, chairs and began serving food last Wednesday night. “It’s absolutely disgusting and reeks of apartheid,” clamored Targum editor Aman Maperyoud. The young woman continued, “I have absolutely no clue what this little building is...but it can’t be good. Did you know that Jews kill over 600,000 babies a year?” Maperyoud then handed our reporters a small pamphlet and proceeded to leave. “What we have here is clearly an apartheid dining hall,” explained Middle Eastern Studies professor Dr. Anne Tysemite. “The wooden walls are analogous to the large concrete walls built around Palestinian cities.
themedium.news@gmail.com
RHYME ALERT
Hillel Erects Outdoor Apartheid Dining Hall BY EATON JEJEZ A7 EDITOR
Wednesday, October 15th, 2014
Concert Leads to Beatings on the Banks
And they expect the Palestinian student body to eat in here? Under a bamboo roof? Anywhere else in the Middle East, Arabs live in harmony, but this is just the kind of mistreatment you’d expect from Israel supporters.” Rutgers Hillel student president Shmuel Hat explained, “Its a Sukkah, for the festival of Sukkot.” According to Mr. Hat, Jews enter the hut for seven days and treat it as a home, eating—and sometimes even sleeping within. “It has nothing to do with Palestine. Why would anyone ever assume that?” “And then there’s the offensive language written on the outside” commented SJP Grand Imperial Wizard Steve Fitz. “They’re calling us suckers? Real mature.” Students for Justice in Palestine has contacted the County Engineer’s office to inspect the structure’s compliance with building standards. “This apartheid is getting out of hand,” commented Fitz, “first this racist dining hall. What’s next, a nine-pronged protest torch?”
BY PAULIE SOFFICER NEWS EDITOR
COLLEGE AVENUE—Police were called to the scene of Friday night's Beats on the Banks concert after a violent crowd overtook the College Ave Gym. The RUPA-sponsored concert started as a peaceful, but exciting event as Chance the Rapper took the stage. After his first song, the Rapper introduced his special guests of the night: Chris Brown and Bobby Brown. The two performed a mash-up of their most popular songs, "Kiss Kiss" and "My Prerogative". This song, called "My Prerogative to Kick, Kick" was explicit and unforgiving about violence toward wom-
en.
Many of the student audience members picked up on the message of violence readily and engaged in more aggressive grinding. Some groups began throwing punches and the brawling quickly proliferated to other regions of the crowd. "It's been four years since my last Rutgers Fest," explained super-senior Kyle O'Toole from his holding cell. "I haven't been this pumped since freshman year!" Some reports of gunshots and aggravated assault were also reported that night in connection with Mr. the Rapper's entourage, which included his longtime friend and Rutgers alum Ray Rice.
MORE GUN VIOLENCE
Kent, “He was still charging at me with his jetpacks, full nitro, like it was fucking SD Gundam. can’t be a true cop without your So I took out my RPG and blastcop shades. Also, he had a black ed that motherfucker to smitherhoodie, or maybe that was just eens.” The police officer ended his skin, I couldn’t tell. I mean that comment by reenacting the that really made me think he sound of a rocket-propelled grewas one of those gangbangers.” nade hitting a target. Indeed, Ronalds did sport his When confronted about the sunglasses despite the interview fact mech suits do not exactly happening hours after sunset. exist, Kent Ronalds replied, Newspaper correspondents “The fuck you talking about? inquired about the bushes that Are you trying to say I am liar? I the officer had mentioned; when wouldn’t be surprised if the van surveying the scene of the crime, outside was a mech .” The interno foliage or shrubbery of any view was then ended abruptly sort was apparent. as Ronalds ran outside with “You see,” explained Kent his pistol drawn to fire several Ronalds, “he had a machine shots at the Medium’s van. Each gun, pulled it right out from shot was reportedly followed his bulletproof vest-hoodie and by Kent Ronalds outcrying sevshot at me. But you know, he’s eral racial slurs and shouts that no ‘Longshot-Moneyshot’ so he “Obama did it!” before he was shot all the bushes down before politely led away by fellow ofhe even got a bullet near me.” ficers. Shaw police report that “And you need to under- although Ronalds was suspendstand, that he was in a goddarn ed, he will receive full pay with mech suit,” continued Officer bonuses.
...continued from front
Editorial Staff Fall 2014
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Justin Lesko Michael-Vincent
Henry Yeh Fratypus
DOING IT ON YOUR KNEES ...continued from front
do gay-a things I’ll repress-a for years.” The World Census reported that with the addition of new LGBT immigrants, as well as the now “surprising” appearance of homosexuals within the Church's ranks, Vatican City now holds a higher concentration of gays than San Francisco and ZBT combined. A large parade has organized to happen in the heart of the city after this coming Sunday's mass. Rainbow streamers and flags are already being hung from lampposts and steeples in preparation. Rainbow, instead
News Editors Sara Markowitz Jonathan Holzsager Features Editor Lesly Kurian Opinions Editor Adam Romatowski Arts Editor Michael Lazaropoulos Personals Editor Joe Ebbinger Page A7 Editor Lee Matalon
of “drab grey” smoke now flows from the thurible, and the loincloths from all Jesus effigies are to be removed. The Church also plans on replacing the communion wafers and wine with penis-shaped cookies and appletinis. The parade organizers reported there would be many fun activities for all ages and creeds at the parade. The whipped cream-dick contest, for instance, is said to be scheduled right after open morning services. When asked whether he would participate, the Pope responded, “I’m confident I’ll win, with God’s blessing.” He added, with a wink, “After all, I have more than one Holy Staff on my person.” Sports Editor Matthew Fastiggi Copy Editors Kaitlin Rogers Chika Kim Secretary Michelle Flynn Webmaster Michael-Vincent Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche D'Anella Nutella
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to my fellow Deadpools at Chonga Con and the immortal (and missed) Bea Arthur.
Wednesday, October 8th , 2014 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
“Daddy forcibly brought our family into the 21st century. It’s baby’s first smartphone. ”
HAVE YOU MENTALLY BROKEN DOWN YET?
MIDTERM EXAM
SUBJECT: TWERKING 101
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YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE APPARENTLY!
AFTER DEATH, WHAT NEXT? BY FATHER CHRIST STAFF JEHOVAH’S WITNESS
How many times have you peered into a casket, seen the face of the deceased and thought to yourself “Girl, I hope I’ll look that put together when I’m dead.” 1) How happy is Happy Hour? Dear reader, if the deceased one had accepted Christ as a) Happier than Happy Feet Lord and Savior, then that statement would be correct. The Apostle b) Happier than both Happy Feet and a Happy Meal Maybelline had once said of those who follow in the footsteps of combined Christ, “Therefore, we are confident that whilst we are at home c) Not as happy as Angry Whopper with the Lord, we will look fabulous as helllllll!” However, if the d) Not as happy as both Angry Whopper and Angry deceased had died not subscribing to all that is Christful, their trouOrchard Combined bles have only just begun. The instant that the deceased soul leaves the body, it goes directly to hell to be ugly forever and ever for the 2) On a scale of one to ten, how difficult was your rest of eternity! The Bible states that hell is a place “where the Devil last midterm? doesn’t let you shave your pits and pop corn bits are forever stuck a) Seven in the back of your mouth.” Ew, no one wants that. b) Negative three point one four You might wonder what must be done to avoid the torment c) Orgo described above. The answer is the same as what you are thinking d) I think I broke the midterm-o-meter right now : Please send 3 easy payments of $14.95 to the Fellowship Tract League for Personal Beautification After Death. 3) Does Jesus exist? a) Yes LITERARY ORIFICE b) a and b c) a and c BY HIPSTER J d) All of the above A VALUED CONTRIBUTOR BY THE HEN HEN MAN AN ALCOHOLIC PROFESSOR
I AM CUCUMBER- PART 3
4) What does The Hen Hen Man hope the next trilogy will be? a) The World War Trilogy b) The Mean Girls Trilogy c) The Star Wars Trilogy Trilogy d) The Uterus Trilogy
HOW DO YOU SCIENCE? LIKE THIS
HOW TO GET EBOLAS??? BY: DOCTOR NADA MACURA STAFF PEDIATRICIAN
Looking for new challenges and stories to tell your grandchildren? Guess what: Ebola is trending! A new outbreak of a deadly hemorrhagic fever is spreading through West Africa and many Western countries are afraid of a pandemic. • Ebola is spread through the exchange of bodily fluid. WARNING: touching the person is not sufficient to get infected! Instead, try getting the infected person’s blood or vomit in your eyes, nose, or mouth, that should do the trick. • Hang out in big international airports such as JFK, Newark, or Philly Intl. Pay special attention to flights coming in from West Africa. Also, you are bound to encounter numerous homeless individuals with interesting life stories to tell you while you wait for your own Ebola experience. • Take a trip to Africa! Now, you have to carefully plan this as, contrary to popular belief, Ebola is not that easy to find. Your best guess is Liberia with the record of 3834 victims, while Sierra Leone and Guinea are also popular destinations for Ebola tourists. • Take an F at College Hall. What’s better than a crowd of sweaty college students breathing in your face? Extra tip: Around exam time, students are usually underfed and exhausted, thus, more likely to be carriers. • Read the Targum. • Start pretending. It’s easy: get out there and start yelling you are infected by Ebola. Very soon, people will call the authorities who will put you under quarantine – and that was your goal all along! Now you are the epicenter of media attention, and the chances of being infected are quadrupled!
Little did I know that the slices of my body on Mary’s ugly eyes would not be the end of my suffering. She started taking off her pants in bed; her thighs jiggling with many meaty layers falling onto the bed. She wore blue and white striped triangular pants with hair sticking out of the sides. She removed the thing and spread open her thighs. It was the hairiest thing I have ever seen in my little cucumber life. In the middle of the dark hairy forest lay a pink and huge piece of human flesh with a tiny toothless mouth in it. It was a hairy monster! Mary took me and inserted my head into the hairy monster. I was being eaten alive! Inside, I could feel the ribbed oral walls of the monster. It felt…weird. I was quivering in pain, yet my juices were rushing all over my body. Mary began pulling my body out of the monster, then thrusting me in again. As it went on, I started to feel pleasurable tingling sensation in my hairs. The ribs rubbing against my skin was unbelievable. Mary yelled louder and louder as she thrusted me in and out of the monster. Suddenly the oral walls got tighter and tighter; my body felt suffocated and squished; pleasure became pain. Out of nowhere, Mary yelled at the top of her lungs and the oral cavity of the monster squeezed my flesh out like toothpaste. It was painful. My flesh and seed were all inside the monster. She removed my mangled body, looked at me, and said “thank you” before throwing me into a plastic bag. It was dark… 3 quarters of my body were gone except for my head. I was in so much pain; the experience I had was too traumatizing. I soon found myself in a big graveyard of organic waste. This was the mystical place that my siblings and I talked about where we might all end up together and die. There were dead bodies of animals and vegetables everywhere; I knew that my time had come. I hoped I served my role as a cucumber in this world well. So here I make my last and final wish: I wish to reincarnate into a corgi so I can shit everywhere and be pampered by humans because of my cuteness and breed with huskies to produce Corhuskies. Well, I guess it is time now, here I am, ready to die and reincarnate to become a better organism in the next life. Thank you everybody for listening to my life story, from the garden, to the supermarket, to the fridge, to the monster and now here. I hope every one of you lives your life to the fullest no matter what you are. Fin.
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, October 8th, 2014
“I need a ride, I’m a bear in the woods.”
POINT/COUNTERPOINT WITH PRESIDENT BARCHI
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
PLANET COMMENTARY
Dear, President Barchi You Couldn’t Leave Me Alone... BY BROOKE THOMAS Could You?
I’m a freshman at the School of Arts and BY PLUTO Sciences, and I’ve noticed a couple things here Oh here we fucking you might want to look into. The buses, for go again. Am I a planet? example. Why not use that money from the tuition hike to buy more Am I not a planet? You of them? We are very obviously in need of them, because every time all have no idea what this I try to travel to a different campus I feel like cattle in a boxcar. Also, debate has done to be the food in Brower is ass. This is a bit confusing to me, because the over the years. You want food in Livingston and Neilson isn’t. How is it possible in the first to know what I am? I’m place that there’s discrepancy in the dining halls? Are you really retired. Yeah that’s right, giving the most money to Livingston Dining Hall and the least to I’m retired. Brower? What the fuck is wrong with you? Why not just spread the You all don’t know the whole fucking story. First off it takes funds out equally? until 1930 for someone to fucking notice me. I was like that guy in Finally, I think you should put a Chipotle on every campus, for the bars who stands there until one in the morning, watching all his obvious reasons. friends get all the action. It was tough man. There I was, a fresh new planet just waiting to be noticed, but nah all you people wanted to do was look at the fucking Moon or that asshole Jupiter. But it’s okay, not like you were thousands of years late or anything. But once you did find me, boom! I was the shit, the talk BY BIG BOB BARCHI of town, the fresh new toy in the solar system. And I was for years. Here at Rutgers University, a B1G school, I even had that Disney dog named after me, has Mercury or Venus we do our best to address the wants and needs ever done anything that cool? Yeah sure they were named after of our student body. You’ll be happy to note that Greek Gods but lets be real, that isn’t that cool. And then what do we have extra funding this year, both from the you and your fucking scientists do? You make me a dwarf planet. A state and extra tuition. and it’s all going back to fucking dwarf! And that was it. And did you even think what that you! We plan on using the money for B1G sports would do to me? To my economy? I was building a theme park, but attire, so you can show your school pride. Extra who wants to go ride a dwarf? It also hit me pretty bad personally. How would you like it state funds meant for academics will promptly be allocated back to to work your whole life to get noticed, go on a great run, then have the sports department. We also got a lot of alumni donations this someone come along and cast you away like a cum tissue. It lead to year! We’re going to go ahead and use that for sports, too. lots of drinking, more drinking, and eventually me not talking to Finally, we recently received about 50 new buses from the Department of Transportation. We plan on melting those suckers all my planet friends for a few years. But, I rose to the occassion, I down for scrap metal to expand and improve our football stadium. decided I wasn’t going to let some nerds get me down. I cleaned Continued on A7
Dear Concerned Student
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
Why Am I Not Getting Laid? BY STEVEN HOWELL
I remember my first hand job. It was 9th grade, I was at the skate park. This skater chick — you know the type: jet black hair, piercings, and a cool red beanie — she took me behind the half-pipe. Ever since then, I rolled with the skater crew. I got hand jobs all the time, and I even got the occasional blow job. Now that I’m in college, I’m ready to go for the big one — losing my virginity. But it’s not working. I don’t get it. My first week, I spent all my free time practicing tricks outside Records Hall and the Bishop Gate. I made sure the girls would see. Some even stopped to watch, but they all just walked away. I figured maybe girls here are more into longboarders. So I went home and got my ratty old longboard and started riding it to class. I even took it on the bus, but people just rolled their eyes. I then realized that maybe it was the board itself. So I spent the whole weekend sanding and painting it, and then I put new trucks and a fresh set of wheels. I’ve been riding it around ever since, but so far none of the girls have talked to me?
Because You Ride a Fucking Skateboard BY SKATEBOARD
Hey kid, you want to know why you’re not getting pussy? Because you are one. Stop riding a goddamn skateboard in college for Christ’s sake. You’re 19 years old. You should have passed me down to your little brother three years ago. Have some priorities man, even the dude on the Segway gets more ass than you. You need to learn some social cues man. Rutgers is a busy place. People don’t like when you smugly speed past them; you look like a major ass. And then you take me on the bus and stand me against the wall so somebody can’t get on. Even the jerkoffs who put their backpacks on the seats are rolling their eyes. Do you even know how girls work, kiddo? You have to talk to them. They Continued on A7
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Who Needs One? “I NEEEEEED ITTTTTT.” Carlos Rojas, RBS Freshman who has a soul consumed by greed
“If you really need something like that you’re seriously, like, just limiting yourself. You shouldn’t have to rely on something like that to be content with life” Pauline Rennington
Straight Edge Self-Righteous Junior
“I guess I could take one, I mean it’s free right? Could I take more than one actually? No, just one? Ah, okay.” Mary Simmons SAS Junior
ARTS
Wednesday, October 8th, 2014
themedium.arts@gmail.com
the Medium
“AND EGBERT WAS HIS MOTHERFUCKING NAME, YO!”
IT’S LIKE DISNEYWORLD FOR THE HOMELESS (BY MARKO-BITCH)
I’ve been in a comatose state of studying for science classes and watching anime. This is not healthy. Help me out by submitting art to the Medium Arts Page. Your shitty drawings will cheer me up. Email stuff to Arts by emailing it to themedium.arts@ gmail.com. Also come to our meetings on Wednesdays at 8pm, at the BSC Room 116C.
FROM THE WORLD’S (BLANK) BY MICHAEL INTERRANTE
MOVIE REVIEW WITH THE MEDIUM, LAME
BENJAMIN BUTTON
BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS ARTS EDITOR
Hey guys! Today I’m reviewing the new Super Smash Bros for the - wait this isn’t a video game. Okay, fine. Jeez, you people got seriously pissed at me for doing one video game review. Have it your way. So this time I decided to review The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I just have to say, Benjamin Button is one of the most boring, emotionless characters I have ever seen. Well, they gave him the nickname Bella in this movie,
which I thought was weird at first, but shit, I’ll roll with. So, it looks like this movie was about how Ben or Bella or whatever had a serious boner for this androgynous-looking chick who was named Edward for some reason. You know what, points go to this movie for breaking gender stereotypes for giving the female lead a guy’s name. Anyway, Edwardina is a vampire or something and Ben wants her to blow him—I mean...suck him off—I mean... suck his blood so he can be in-
REMEMBER THE BUS KID? “SWAGNESH” BY SAWYER
teresting and a vampire, too. You know what, I can’t do it anymore. This movie is boring! I don’t care if some dude got his head ripped off! BEN IS SO FUCKING BORING! If you see this movie, I recommend geting a lobotomy to forget what you just saw.
WHICH MOVIE SHOULD I REVIEW NEXT?
PERSONALS
the Medium DICKS
COFFERS
HISTORY
To the community college girl that wanted to get a lawyer on my ass for sexually harassing her. YOU told me to show me your penis at PJs and I DIDN’T. YOU tried to take my fucking belt off!! I hope that your snatch finds a way to cover an opening of a hornets nest, and that hornets like to eat scum like you. You will never graduate community college. I will never look at these sexual harassment (and other guy vs girl issues) the same ever again. You will die alone, and no one will remember you for anything you did when you do. (Except me ;)). You did have nice tits though.
What concerns me the most about RUDOTS is that their website for paying parking tickets has a section just for “Returning Customers”. What asshats.
Did you know Ben Frankin wrote a book about farts?
yo’ motha
I REALLY LIKE THE IDEA OF OTHER IMPERFECT PEOPLE SUFFERING FOR THEIR IMPERFECTIONS (Oh! You must have handed me a pamphlet on College Ave) Little fucking shit who jumped in front of me at the soda fountain at Nielson. Hope you spill all your food on you as you carry your three plates to your table with your sallow-faced gf (Wow, that’s a lot of rage but not much ill being wished. You need more aggression in your life. Why don’t you wish they go to Hell or something?)
DiVerSiTY I wanna be the only white guy at a black barbershop. That’s my only way of establishing progressive credentials. (Do what most young leftists do and harp on about how you hate your privilege and shout your morally righteous positions without actually doing anything.)
(Really? Did you know Susan B. Anthony wrote a book about anal beads?)
(They gotta line their pockets somehow. Otherwise the homeless guys will have to Some dumbass in my spend their dope money on 20th Century China class kept pronouncing bus fare.) the word “Mandarin” To the fucking dick who as “Man-DAR-in” and stole my pants after I thought Daoism and Taorode you all night, I had ism were two separate reno money for a cab and ligions. had to walk back to Tins(That’s my favorite period of ley in my underwear. history after the Meh-HEECan’t wait until the future kan Revolution.) when vending machines NPR don’t exist and therefore cant eat my fuckin mon- Terry Gross . . . more like Terry “Gross” ey anymore.
(Dude, she asked you to show (You need a small friend or her her own dick. Obvi sexu- a kid to follow you around al harrassment on your part! so you can have them crawl in the machine and grab you And you better hope they your snack. That’s right, in don’t subpoena this paper as the future, we’ll all be able a reference to your character to have tiny slaves. or your misogyny would be laid bare.)
WISHING ILL
Wednesday, October 8th 2014
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“Courtesy is contagious. Just like Ebola.”
yo mama so stupid she looked for isis in the freezer (I was orphaned as a child. Don’t you feel like a fuck.)
GLAD TIDINGS
Just wanted to share that I might finally maintain a 4.0! Don’t wanna speak too soon, but yeah.
Crank Calls Called a cab company. “Hi, I need a lift.” “Where ya at?” “Uh, I don’t quite know where. It’s a wooded area. ‘Cause I’m a bear, I live in the woods!” “What tree are you near?” “What do you mean what tree?” “Is it the one your mother sucks dick near?”
(Reminds me of this time we called a realtor and asked how much blood stains deI feel a lot better after my valued a house. She was not thesis advisor gave me happy.) some words of encouragement. Thanks, Jim! god dammit i fucking hate working at pizza places. (Fuck you. Fuck the both of it’s not the mopping or the incessant noise from you.) the kitchen or the highschool kids i work with PERSPECTIVE who always want me to When I was a kid, my buy them beer. it’s these father had the BIGGEST fucken housewives who cock. I remember pee- call up and have nary ing with him outside of an idea what they want. the movies (because the they place nonsensibathrooms were filthy) cal orders for “peproni and I looked to the side pizza with pepperoni on and caught a glimpse of top”, then they follow up how well-endowed his with something for their cock was. All through- fat shit of a husband so i out middle school, I wor- gotta walk them through ried about when my dick all the options for cheeswould catch up to the size esteaks. it goes someof my old man’s. Girl- thing like this “i want a friend after girlfriend, cheesestake” and i say they all told me I had what kind, and they nothing to worry about. yell loud into the phone That it was all a matter of like STEVE WHADYA WANT. godawful fuck. perspective. I doubt it.
Cops and Robbers So theres been a computer theft in The Medium offices, leaving us with insufficient means to type the paper. Futhermore, the keyboard I’m typing on is itself a piece of shit. Therefore, yall should make my job a helluva lot easier by sending in your rants, ravings, and longings: it’ll make my job easier and you’ll be forever loved in my eyes.
NJPIRG
Better practice my lying skills because njpirg is out tabling again. Greedy shady liberals. What the heck, I’m trying to do some good here asking people for five minutes of their time out of their “busy” day. All they gotta do is vote, it takes five minutes. Suddenly, everybody’s a civic freaking hero, everybody’s voted. Dude, I know you’re going to go home and watch Netflix.
NETFLIX (cont.) ground noise while we hookup. Seriously, you’re like the best wingman, ever.
a poem
An ode to the gone, Souls have been forgotten, Their bodies beneath the lawn, Now wait for others to let in, Meaningful pieces lost to the dark, All because we would not disembark, For I have too forgotten who it is, Fuck, this shit again. So Only two more jerks till I annoying. Fucking hip- jizz. pies. Not even the cool kind. Just fuckin nag nag (OK then.) nag. Christ almighty, I gotta take the long way through Bishop Beach so BIRTHDAY I can avoid Brower Com- I'm 21 but Mom keeps mons. Fuck these leeches. calling me 22. Maybe Everybody complains she knows a secret thingy constantly about the dis- about my birth that I don't mal state of American know?!?!?!?! democracy, of oppression, of bad laws, and yet nobody wants to vote or (Nah, your mom’s just an participate. Grassroots idiot; she can’t count.) organizations are the Romance heart of political life and the primary mechanism I really do have love to give. by which we change our I just don’t know where to countrty--for the better or put it. worse. If you’re not contributing to campaigns in (Hang in there, kid. The some way, even if it’s just world needs celibates too.) talking about it, you’re utterly part of the problem. Trust me, guys, I’m MISPRONUNCIATION a political science major. Things my roommate mis(They are participating by pronounces: pointing out how fucking sodoku annoying NJPIRG is.) anomynous axsk NETFLIX! Chabad Netflix, what would I do Immanuel Kant without you? You have kiosk helped me get many girls Freud over with the invitation Qdoba of “Let’s watch a movie” twerk only for us to soon make you just merely back- B1G Ten (they say the “one” aloud)
Wednesday, October 8th, 2014
PAGE A7
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“Chabad. Chhhhh-abad. See, it’s hard.”
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CREED NOT DEED
HARD EVIDENCE SKATEBOARD
WHY I SUCK BY ED DiCANTA BPΩ PLEDGE
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UNION ST— So my big tasked me with writing this essay. According to him, I can’t enter his lineage until I complete it. Who am I to argue? Pledges suck because we don’t yet have what it takes to a guide to notable dicks be brothers. We will not yet have what it takes to be brothers until we complete the challenges of the pledge process. According to the creed of Beta Rho Eaton Jejez Omega, the four maxims of a BRO are “manhood, A7 Editor respect, scholarship, and service.” It is the purpose of the pledge to teach us each of these ideas. For example, I haven’t demonstrated manhood until I’ve successfully serenaded a sorority in my underwear. We show respect by finishing any bottle the brothers hand us. Scholarship is demonstrated by reciting the Greek alphabet while kneeling on a cinderblock. Service is demonstrated by bringing the brothers cigarettes, condoms and booze whenever they need it. Until I’ve “shown my maxims,” I’m not worthy to be a brother. Not only do pledges suck, but the Nu class is the worst pledge class of all time. According to the pledgemaster, we’re a bunch of boners and most of us will probably be dropped by Week 6. We’re a really lazy pledge class. Victor Bollo, you know, the kid who Jonah Falcon lives in the Quads, he’s late every week to lineup. And Guinness World according to the Sergeant-at-Arms, no pledge class in Record Holder Beta history has ever been late to lineup. I don’t know if I believe him. But one of our open mottos is “Truth in Brotherhood,” so I don’t think would he lie. I really hope we’re not the worst class in history. They keep saying that Fall pledges suck, and that Spring rush Jesus is always better. And if that’s really true, I’m scared Mickey Avalon of what the Xi class will look like. Say, what are you Bob Barchi going to do with this essay? You’re keeping it to yourUniversity self, right?
OFFENSIVE CONTENT
JETS COACH “NOT SURE” WHAT OFFENSE IS BY JUST THE TIP EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
PIPE GRINDING
President
Ron Jeremy Porn Star
VAGINAL
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—While being grilled by reporters after his team’s 31-0 loss to the Democratic Chargers, New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan admitRepublic of the ted that he “wasn’t exactly sure” what offense is or Congo Average does in American football. “Listen, guys, I’ve had this job for four seasons Haha, fuckers now so you should have realized this already,” the coach said in his post-game press conference, “but I’ve never really known what the God-dang offense US Average is supposed to do.” Ryan further said that his philosophy has always been to “have his defense on the field as much as posPenn State sible”. Average “I used to think [former quarterback Mark] San- Fuck Penn State chez was a cute little mascot out there to pump up the crowd,” he said. “Y’know, just something to make the women and children happy, like Mr. Met or the South of the Border guy.” The coach stated that he did not know what a wide receiver was, and therefore, had not tried signing any good ones since joining the Jets, barring Eric Decker. “Have you seen that guy’s eyes or his beautiful smile?” said Ryan. “How could I not get him?” Although his team’s record now sits at an abysmal 1-4, the coach said he “would not” and “does not Dr. Tossed Salad Opinions Editor expect” to change anything. “I don’t care if my team goes 1-15. [Actor Adam] Sandler just signed a four movie deal with Netflix so that means you get four more chances to see Sexy Rexy on the big screen,” he said.
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don’t just automatically want to fuck you because you ride a skateboard. Nobody does that. Until you realize you’re a fuckboy and change your ways, you’re going to remain a virgin. So it’s your choice: Are you going to grow up and get laid, or keep getting hand jobs from the girl with the beanie cap, pizza face and bulge in her pants?
OVER CHARON PLUTO
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myself up and decided I would retire and go see the rest of the universe. Then! Then these fucks from Harvard have to come to my defense and say I’m a planet again. Yeah thanks guys, but that would have been great like three years ago. But now, I had plans! I wanted to go see other solar systems, not be a part of little Billy’s third grade class project. Oh please don’t make me go back to doing that fucking shit. I’m retired. You wanted me out, and you go it. It’s okay, I’m ready to move on. And you all should too.
TWEET TWEET VICTORY FLOOD
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we pulled out the win? Yeah, about as surprised as I was that only seventeen people could bring themselves to click a goddamn button!” a slightly angrier Flood exclaimed. “Especially only a few weeks removed from my other failed tweet that read ‘If this gets 100 favorites, Gary Nova won’t throw more than 4 interceptions against Penn State.’ We all know how that turned out, don’t we?”
PLAY OF ATONEMENT
TRAUMA NOVA
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get Nova’s 2012 performance against Kent State. The quarterback threw six interceptions in front of a home crowd to give the previously 7-0 Scarlet Knights their first loss of the season. “I hated him after that. I wanted to throw him in front of a EE bus but tonight he was just mediocre US Average enough for us to beat an even more mediocre team,” (Circumcised) said Morton. In what has been a common theme of the senior quarterback’s career--losing important games at home--fans expected him to lose to Michigan in a heartbreaking way. “I sat out here for hours on a freezing Thursday night two years ago to watch that piece of shit blow it to Louisville when all we needed to do was win to make a BCS game,” said senior Ryan Hardaway, of a 17-20 Congo Average
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DESPITE FAILED TWITTER STUNT, FLOOD, RUTGERS VICTORIOUS BY SHREG GIANO SPORTS EDITOR
"CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR" Flood's tweet fell just short of his goal of 2000 retweets. 17 out of 2000 retweets means Coach Flood received a solid .85% of his pregame goal, which is better than most experts were predicting in the preseason for Rutgers Football.
RU fans forgive Gary Nova Penn State,” said Rutgers student body president MargaPISCATAWAY—Following a ret Fisher. “I know I cursed his thrilling 26-24 game against name for weeks after that game, Michigan for the program’s first but I will no longer call him a win as a Big Ten member, Rut- shit-eating idiot because he was gers fans have absolved senior able to beat a 2-3 team on our quarterback Gary Nova of any of home turf.” Just minutes after the final his previous poor performances. “I’m thrilled at his perfor- whistle blew and fans stormed mance and now we can all forget the field, senior Jared Morton that he threw five interceptions said he will permanently forContinued on Page 7 less than a month ago against BY JUST THE TIP EDITOR IN CHIEF
SPORTS BY THE NUMBERS
1:HOME GAMES WHERE 9: DEREK JETER'S
THE FANS DID NOT AVERAGE EX-GIRLYELL "FUCK YOU GARY FRIEND NOVA!" 10,000: STUDENTS, SO6:STUDENTS THAT BER OR OTHERWISE, KNOW OUR WOMWHO STORMED THE EN'S SOCCER TEAM IS FIELD AFTER THE GAME RANKED 16TH IN THE ON SATURDAY NATION ≈50: HIGHLY-INTOXICATED ADULTS WHO 0:PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF RUTGERS WHO RUSHED THE FIELD THOUGHT RUTGERS SATURDAY, LIKELY FOOTBALL WOULD BE DRUNKER THAN THE 5-1 DURING THEIR INAUGURAL BIG TEN SEA- STUDENTS SON
PISCATAWAY— Rutgers head coach Kyle Flood took to Twitter last Friday in an attempt to “fire-up [his] team and fans” for the blackout game against The University of Michigan. Flood’s efforts were in vain. After audaciously guaranteeing a victory Saturday night pending 2,000 or more retweets, Flood’s retweet count reached a modest total of seventeen. But that did not stop Flood or his team from going out and getting the job done anyway, securing their first Big Ten win against Michigan, the winningest program in Division I college football history. “Well, I gotta admit, I was a little bummed out that the fanbase didn’t jump on the oppor-
tunity to secure our first Big Ten victory by simply clicking a button on Twitter,” a slightly bitter Kyle Flood told reporters. “But the nine favorites were a bit of a bonus. I think that juiced our guys up to go out there and get the win despite missing the bar on the retweet count.” Football fans from around the country are impressed with the resolve Rutgers showed in winning a game that Twitter all but guaranteed they would lose. No one was as surprised as Michigan’s football team, who celebrated prematurely once realizing Flood’s tweet was still in single-digit retweets nearly twenty-four hours after it hit the internet. Even Flood himself would not have guessed that his team could rally and find the courage to be victorious. "Am I a bit surprised that Continued on Page 7
Breaking: There is a soccer league in the United States BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON SPORTS EDITOR
Sounders, nearly every major LOS ANGELES, CA— Die-hard US city is apparently representsoccer fans in the United States ed in this league. If Commissioner Garba and have been seemingly waiting forever to enjoy professional the MLS can simply explain how soccer on the domestic stage, the league relates to the world and according to MLS commis- cup and if Messi or Ronaldo are sioner Don Garba, they could in it, bigtime soccer fans here in have been basking in the beauti- the USA would definitely be inful game on US soil for the last terested in occasionally watching 2-3 games per season. nineteen years. "Jeez, did you so-called soccer fans even try to find out if we had a league? We've been slowly but surely signing big name players that I'm sure you used to play with in FIFA. Didn't you wonder why those players vanished from newer FIFA games?" Commisioner Garba asked of surprised United States Soccer Fans. From the New York Red "THAT'S WHERE THOSE WEIRD TEAMS IN FIFA ARE FROM?" Bulls to the Seattle Sounders YOU, ME, GETTING IT ON WEDNESDAY 8 PM IN ROOM 116 of THE BCC
The strange soccer league has apparently been in existence for almost nineteen years.
winning important games since saturday