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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
October 19, 2011
Volume xliI Issue VI
NEWS ABOUT NEWS ABOUT NEWS
NEW DAILY TARGUM E.I.C. BEGS FOR MEDIUM MOCKERY
BY KILLA WHALE FEATURES EDITOR
MINE ST— The Editor-in-Chief of Rutgers University’s official newspaper, The Daily Targum, has been actively seeking media coverage from The Medium for several weeks through letters, email, and phone calls. “I just want them to make fun of me…once is all I ask,” said the EIC. The Targum EIC has left twelve voicemails in The Medium’s inbox and has sent over 50 e-mails to several of their editors requesting articles since September 1. “Kypers this, Kypers that, what about me?!” said the EIC. Last year, former EIC of the Targum, Neil Kypers, was a popular choice of parody for staff writers of The Medium. However, the new EIC of the paper has received little to no acknowledgement. Lack of coverage has reportedly driven the current EIC cra-
PSYCHOBABBLE
University looks at high levels of selfcenteredness BY PROBABLY DRUNK STAFF WRITER?
LOOK AT MEEEEEEE!!!! The E.I.C. makes a valiant effort to get the attention of The Medium
zy during meetings. Writers for the Targum have additionally tweeted their frustrations with the EIC’s prioritizing. “I don’t know if catching The Medium’s eye is going to
look good on my resume #fml,” tweeted correspondent Tyler Presto. However, staff writers from Rutgers’ weekly entertainment Continued on Page 2
LEARN TO DRIVE
Handsome IndyCar driver killed in crash Average attractiveness of drivers falls by 20%
TOO SEXY FOR THIS EARTH They had to make a special coffin to accommodate his cheekbones.
crash during the Las Vegas Indy 300. He was thirty-three years INDIANAPOLIS—In what old and considered the only may have been the biggest blow good looking person behind the to the motorsport community wheel of an IndyCar vehicle. in years, Dan Wheldon, a driv"He was, by far, the best er from the Bryan Herta Auto- looking man in the sport," said sports team, was killed in a fiery Tom Steel of IndyCar. "He was BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
50¢
our poster boy for everything. Most of the other drivers are missing teeth." "He was British too," said fan Michelle Waldron. "Not only did that give him a great personality, but it gave you that novel feeling that he might forget that he was driving on an American road during the race and turn around and drive on the wrong side like they do in the UK." Organization officials are concerned, not only for the loss this was to the fans and spectators of car racing, but how it will affect the sport's overall image and future. "We are really stumped at this point, said Steel. "Nobody is as good looking as him and nobody has as much personality, wit and charm as he had. So the only thing we have left to rely on is talent. And, of course, we have never really had much of that .
I miss Four Loko!
ESTABLISHED 1970
Following recently released studies indicating uncannily high levels of self-awareness in the Rutgers student population, President Richard McCormick addressed press reporters with a scandalous statement: "As a top secret initiative to combat high levels of arrogance and douchery amongst the student population, Rutgers University paired up with a number of pharmaceutical companies and developed a breakthrough medication, dubbed Dextroawarenotal which cures the aforementioned conditions - which we then proceeded to sneak into the food at all the dining halls." The admission was shocking, but the public seemed largely unsurprised, seeing no other explanation for astonishingly high numbers of hipsters dying their hair back to normal colors, 75% of bros spending less time flexing their muscles whenever they walk past a reflective surface, and a staggering drop in the amount of drunken sorostitutes in the street at 1:30 AM yelling, "Ohhh myyyy god I'm sooo drunkk I'LL SUCK YOUR DICK FOR A PUMPKIN BOMB." Amidst the controversy, McCormick defended the university, saying, "Are you complaining? All we did was make people less annoying." The issue has even gained nationwide publicity, with celebrity advocate Mel Gibson forming a new religion, the Self-Awareists, whose sole ideology is to think before speaking or acting. Gibson's first public statement on the matter: "I no longer blame the Jews for my rampant alcoholism."
the Medium
NEWS
Wednesday, October 19th, 2011
“I'm hittin' the tops, daddy-o!"
REVOLTING
Radical Member of Occupy New Brunswick Closes Bank Account
RIOTS!
This man was seen walking past the bank...presumably in protest BY KCIG ARTS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—On Tuesday, a radical member of the New Brunswick faction of the Occupy Wall Street movement closed his checking account at PNC, likely inspired by the recent Citibank protests that intended to protest corruption of the nation's banking system. New Brunswick resident and Rutgers student, Jimmy Shachavsky, reportedly walked into the PNC Bank on Albany Street yesterday at 10:28 AM and requested that the teller close his account. "I don't have any PNC banks near where my parents live, so I went in to close my account," said the revolutionary. In a clear display of rebellion, Shachavsky patiently waited in line until the teller called him over and asked if there was anything he could help him with and if he was having a nice day. TARGUM ATTENTION paper said they have lost complete interest in ridiculing their rival paper. “Making fun of the Targum isn’t cool or funny without Kypers. There’s really no point in taking the time to force any jokes,” said Medium Opinions Editor Amy DiMaria. While The Medium may not be covering any stories relating to the Targum this semester, they have agreed to send a complimentary T-shirt and bumper stick with The Medium’s logo to the Targum EIC as an olive branch. “We’re maturing as a humor publication and that means we
Editorial Staff Fall 2011
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Kaitie Davis Kenneth Brooks Joey Threlfall Reven MacQueen
News Editors Jordan Gochman John Eberhardt Features Editor Shane Whelan Opinions Editor Amy DiMaria Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editors Steve Troulis III Dave Imbriaco
Monica Benitez, a PNC bank member and witness of the riot, said "The teller sort of looked annoyed as he was closing the account. His smile seemed sort of fake." She continued to explain that the teller reportedly did not find it necessary to call the police, despite the rogue intentions of the Occupy New Brunswick protester. Upon initial reports that the PNC teller did not refuse to close the account, Dr. Peter Pulawski, analyst of the Occupy Wall Street movement, commented, "This is a clear win for the 99%. The message is finally starting to get to the banks that they can't get in the way of OWS." The Occupy New Brunswick riots are set to continue as crowds of angry residents gather outside of the Bank of America on George Street, and disperse when the cross walk signal allows them to cross the street. ...continued from front
have to move on whether they like it or not,” said DiMaria. Despite The Medium’s lack of interest, the Targum EIC has vowed to find a way to garner attention by the end of the semester. “I will find my way onto their front page one way or another!” said the EIC. “Damn it, why won’t they just quote me by name?” added the EIC. “What the hell’s it gonna take? Just write ‘said (Targum EIC)’ after this quote,” said Targum EIC. “I swear, now they’re putting parentheses in my quotes…I give up!” Said the EIC.
Wine & Lifestyle Editor Phillip Li
Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche I can't wait to put
Steve Troulis IX Amy Be-Maria Kenneth Brooks Barbara Reed Bob Loblaw it in my mouth...
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to all the frats and sororities that lost in the Homecoming Bed Races. Because losing to theater kids must be an embarrassment on so many levels.
FEATURES
Wednesday, October 19th, 2011
“I can put whatever I want here!”
AMIGOS
b.f.f.’S
of the week
Mark Inverso & Cody Gorman
“Alright!!!”
In the middle of a hard night’s work during production, I came across a group of what I thought to be performing artists. It turns out that these two synchronized guys are actually devoted best friends. Mark (top) and Cody (bottom) have been friends since they met at Hurtado Health Center back in their Freshman year. Since then this tandem has been hitting up the gym, ordering wings, and listening to Los Lonely Boys together. In addition to being the best of friends, they are also infamous orientation leaders. With their synchronized catchphrases and outgoing personalities, they have made a name for themselves as “bromance of the year.” When asked their favorite color by an Indian girl they responded, “Brown! Like you!” Below is a quick excerpt from my interview Mark and Cody.
BEHIND THE SWIPE
An Exclusive Interview with Everyone’s Favorite Busch Dining Hall Employee BY VIKING & BACKWARDS FEET KID CONTRIBUTING REPORTERS
Medium: Nancy, how long have you been working for Rutgers food services? Nancy: Hello, yea ok. M: Alright, well um, what’s with the plate of oranges? N: Yea, mandarin, ok thank you. M: Do you ever eat the dining hall food? Nancy pauses to eat one of her many orange slices before answering. N: Haha thank you, hello. M: What are your thoughts on the food quality? Many students believe the food quality is insufficient for what they are paying. N: Mandarin good, haha ok yea. M: That is very riveting information, it’s good to know that our staff is on top of the student concerns. N: I put cup in cup for more tea ok. M: Why are you the only staff member with a name tag? N: Ok, shiny. M: What do you think of alien Features: What do you guys like M (cont.): ass. Cody, yeah, he abductions? to do together? wanted to be the one to do that. N: Hello ok thank you. Mark: Me and Cody like to do They wouldn’t let him...someLAST, BUT NOT LEAST something called S.S. B.P.M.N.F. thing about it being illegal. Things at Rutgers That Seem but you can’t know what it is. Cody: We can tell him the first C: Actually, I don’t know if I two letters though right? want that in there with my last M: Yeah, the S.S. name. Hmm...yeah, just say I Your Freshman Year That You C: The S.S. stands for “Super have no paying job. Secret” and that’s why we can’t M: Haha yes that’s better, no By Sophomore Year tell you what it is. paying job. F: ...I see. BY MOUSHIE ARTS EDITOR F: The only song I ever heard by F: How did you guys meet? Los Lonely Boys was on a Now living in a M: You know those needles they CD. use to give you shots, well, they M: Now 4 was the first CD I ever dorm wanted to give me one in my... actually purchased. Why it starts out great: You CUTE THING CUTE PREDATOR knew you were going to make new friends in college but you never thought you would stumble upon a whole family of best friends. Your floor is the best floor. There’s always someone with their door open who’s down to hang out and someone who is also going to the dining hall the same time as you. Everyone chills out in the lounge, Although illegal as pets, I Raccoons have been known playing some ping pong while would totally break the law for to prey on turtles, such as the taking a break from studying. one of these little guys. small baby shown to the left. It’s the perfect place to live. Why it starts to suck: You can’t TWENTIETH PERSON TO SUBMIT GETS A PRIZE party because the RA is always in your business. Slowly everyTHEMEDIUM.FEATURES@GMAIL.COM one there is kind of getting on
the Medium M: Have you ever been probed by some sort of space monkey? N: Hello. At this point one of the interviewers kicks over his chair and throws his papers in the air. M: Fuck this shit, this is the worst interview ever. N: Ok, thank you.
LETTER FROM EDITOR
GOING INSHANE I walked around Philadelphia with my fly open for six hours. This past weekend I visited Philadelphia for a scholary project. My goal was to visit some of the city’s tallest skyscrapers and blog about them. Cool, right? As it turns out, it was pretty cool...for my dick. By the time I returned to 30th Street Station to head home I noticed that my fly was open. I didn’t visit the bathroom while in the city for fear of rape, disease, and alligators. How could this happen? Initially, I was embarassed but later I realized it was just like wearing flip-flops to let your feet breathe. Maybe my dick just needed some fresh air?
AWESOME HATE
your nerves, almost like you were placed in this dorm randomly and not because you guys were all fated to be best friends forever. What you’ll end up doing instead: If you live in a double again, you just won’t talk to anyone on your floor besides your roommate who you got to choose. No one will leave their door open, and if they do, they’re weird. If you live in an apartment on or off campus, you probably won’t talk to anyone else just by virtue of them living close to you, and you’ll never see your RA if you have one. You look back on living in a dorm your freshman year as one of the worst places you ever lived.
the Medium
THE MEDIUM AT NYCC “yeeeahhhh boyeeeee”
PUELLA MAGI
You’re Not Unique by Dr. Clayton Forrester
Most people enjoy a piece of pop culture that they think has somehow passed by everyone’s attention except their own. Sometimes you enjoy something that is so strange and unique that there’s no way anyone appreciates it the same way you do. But at Comic Con, no matter how obscure you think your interests are, you will be able to find at least 300 other people who are as obsessed with it as you are and 600 more who are way more obsessed. I was brutally confronted with this fact at the Comic Con screening of the first 3 episodes of Puella Magi Madoka Magica a Japanese anime. I watched it with my roommates before it had even finished airing in Japan. Obviously no one could get the nuances of the show the way I did. I understood Madoka and if I never heard other people talking about it then no one could have seen it. So why was there a huge line to get into the screening? These people must have showed up at the wrong room. They How does anyone else know definitely meant to go to what this is? the Mark Hamill panel down the hall. All of these people waiting were awkward looking and painfully weird. There was no way they could like any of the same things I did. Instead of getting to sit in the front row of an empty hall I was stuck behind a guy much taller than me and spent most of the time trying to see past his gigantic head. There was suddenly a live laugh track to the funny scenes. People cheered when a cool character appeared on screen. I had to learn that even at a place as strange and unpredictable as Comic Con, you still won’t be able to stand out.
d
weir
Wednesday, October 19th, 2011
EXCLUSIVE ACCESS
Being a Member of the Press at Comic Con by KCIG
The Medium went to New York Comic Con on Friday and Saturday. Since The Medium is a “newspaper” that “reports” on “events”, me, Dr. Clayton Forrester and Morgan Freeman got special press passes for free that gave us special access to the most elite parts of New York Comic Con that was not available to the general public. As a member of the press, we were allowed unlimited exclusive access to the Press Room. It may seem like just a room for people reporting on the convention to rest, gather their thoughts, and update their photographs and articles to the internet, but it was more like a meta-convention for the most elite attendees, but there was an unlimited water cooler with special plastic cups for elite The exclusive Press Room in the Javits Center members of the press. Being press at Comic Con is like being a VIP and a celebrity but even cooler. Several times we were waiting in line to get into important panel discussions, and when the people who were in charge of the event announced that all the seats were filled, we walked right up to the front of the line, and just said “Excuse me, we’re press. Let us in.” And they politely told us that press gets no special privileges and tough titties. I know, we were pretty baller. I’m sure if you attended Comic Con you’re jealous of all the special perks we got.
at s e m costu
Sexy Slave Leia
Ice Queen
This is a Man
Green Lantern Dog
I Don’t Get the Reference
Sexy Japanese Girls
Wednesday, October 19th, 2011
OP/ARTS
the Medium
“It means that the page is a mixture of Op/Ed and Arts”
COMMENTARY
I Guess I Learned My Lesson. So Why Am I Still in Jail?
BY JIMMY KELLER So a cool to pretend like group of we’re part of this gif r i e n d s ant mob protesting and I decided to go government or some to this “Occupy Wall bullshit like that. Street” thing in New All I heard was York last week and that some celebriwe got arrested. ties would be there I thought it was like Kanye West. I pretty badass be- mean that guy is my cause we now have bro. For real. I look this sweet story to to up to him. He is tell some biddies like my black God about us getting put which is almost betin the slammer. The only prob“What lem is: we’re still in is gruel jail. It’s been over a week and we still anyway?” haven’t gotten out of this hellhole. I called ter then my white my parents and they one. But seriously, think this is another he definitely got me one of my crazy col- motivated to go to lege experiments. this thing. We actually Anyways so I went to NY to go was trying to get this clubbing and do hot girl’s number but whatever crazy shit she just but kept on that we can do. We lecturing me about had a couple of economic inequality hours to kill so we and corporate greed. thought it would be What a bitch.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
Aw! What a Cute Cat! Here Kitty, Kitty!
BY DONNA MARSHALL Then my dumOh my gosh, what a cute little stray! You must be so bass friend Dillon chilly, let me cuddle you! decided to pull his I have a little bit of beef jerky in my purse if you’re pants down and hungry. Here come take a piece, I know you want it. Psst psst psst! moon the police. It Here little babe, come over here, I won’t hurt you. It’s ok, I promise was pretty hilarious I’m nice. but that just put a You look like a nice kitty. You have such a fluffy little face and I damper on every- love your cute little baby paws. I would love to take you home with thing. The police me and let you sleep indoors. Would you like that kitty? found out we were Psst psst! Aww come on sweetie, everything is ok. Just come his friends thew us over here and I’ll give you lots of food and love. You won’t have to in the back of a po- spend one more night in a cold dumpster. lice car. I got to say, prisOh God, What The FUCK Is on sucks. The food is horrible. Its gruel Happening? everything: gruel BY CAT omelets, gruel chili. Holy SHIT, why is that gigantic lady coming toWhat the fuck is gruwards me? Oh God, there’s nowhere to run. She’s el anyways? gonna eat me, I know it. Also this big What is that sound she’s making? That is the scariest sound I guy named Rick keeps looking at me. have ever heard. I am completely freaking out right now. She won’t I hope all those sto- back down. Can’t she see the hair on my back is raised? Why isn’t ries about jail aren’t that scaring her? I keep hissing but she won’t leave. She keeps putting some kind true. I want to keep of meat in my face. What could she possibly want from me? What my manhood. Anyways it’s the hell is wrong with her? This has to be the tallest, scariest person getting late. I’m on in the world. I don’t want her to hurt me but I can’t get away. She guard tonight. You cornered me here. What if she tries to grab me? I’m not sure I can get away from never know what something so big. Please just let me go. Oh God, I promise I’ll never can happen in the dig through the trash again if I get through this. night.
COMICS
OPTICAL ILLUSION
Can you spot the two faces?
the Medium
PERSONALS
Wednesday, October 19th, 2011
“Where’d You Get Those Fresh Pumas Bro?”
REAL CONTENT
REALER CONTENT
To the blonde bitch at TDX, Did you really feel the need to stand on the platform in the middle of the dance floor and throw your cup of beer everywhere? Wow your cool.. Well if you are wondering who pulled your hair and almost broke your back; it was me, the puerto rican chick that was right behind you. You were too damn drunk to even notice it was me. I wanted to introduce your face to the floor but all you did was look at me and tie your hair up. Hope to see you when you are sober so I can break a part of your body. Get at me bitch !! -Moofasa <3 (Talk about a rage fest. If I had a dime for every time I had beer thrown on me id still be broke as hell but still have enough for a hamburger at Checkers) To that frat bro I met at that frat party at that frat house. Good looks on the seventeen year old that you were "totally going to bang out." Come on man we all know that when a girl says that she's seventeen she's just saying that so you'll rationalize with yourself and consider her "close enough," when in reality she's really fifteen or sixteen. So congrats on the lay my man, now you can add another tick to your "bang count," moving it from a 3 to a 3.25.
To my friend, As much as I do enjoy your delicious baking, I cannot help but entertain the thought that you are purposely trying to fatten us all up. And then you will stuff us into an oven and make us a part of your next cake. I would attempt to thwart your diabolical plan, but alas, the treats are far too tasty for me to argue against. I do look forward to the penis cake that you will be making. (Diabloical or not, somebody making treats for everyone still sounds awesome. Everyone knows the 5 major food groups in college include sticky, gummy, chewy, sweet, and, chocolate ) To the biddie with the donk that lives upstairs: when I saw your twat pop out last night when you fell over by College Ave all shwaysted, all I could think was DAYUMM! Dat pussy stank bitch! I'm gonna tell you right now, don't waste that all that ass shakin and teasin if you can't keep it clean down there.
To all the pharmacy phuckphaces who feel the need to wear their white coats outside of lab: Are you seriously that insecure about your future as “doctors” that you need to show the world your soo important because you have a fucking white coat. Take that shit off and dress like (Use the word frat one more a normal person. I hope time, I dare ya. ) you all enjoy filling out To the guy who claimed prescriptions that real he’s write a personal this doctors write. week, well? Did you? Love, Rxh8r. Well if you didn’t then (They think they are soooo I just one upped you. I tough with their promising wrote a personal about future and such. We will see you mouthing off about who’s tough when the stuwriting a personal. I win dent loan payments come (Mindfuck, you wrote a due) personal about writing a To that guy from high personal. But what you fail school that claimed he to realize is that you could was gonna be a famous have used this wonderful rockstar, hows rehab block of space to write sometreatin ya buddy? thing worthwhile) (One step closer to achievI got so drunk last night ing that famous rockstar that I saw 1972. status) (First of all, I dont care. Second of all, cool story bro, The final brick in the perand lastly, what the fuck sonals wall. Goodbye does that even mean)
SHITHOUSE SERENADER
To the guy singing in the SC&I men's lower floor bathroom, You suck. That was the worst dump of my life thanks to your horrible moaning and obliviousness to my presence in the last stall. That is to say, did you know I was there or did you think you were alone singing? Were you trying to serenade me or were you just being a complete toolbag? I was already done wiping but I was afraid to come out and have to deal with the awkwardness. Please, from now on, sing to yourself in your head. Do not even sing at all just in case someone's listening. The only people in the world permitted to talk or sing to themselves are homeless people. I am now afraid to go back in that bathroom between the hours of 4 and 5. Thanks for making this a traumatic experience for me. This doesn't even compare to the time I accidently cut my anus with a shard of glass stuck in the toilet paper. That was nothing compared to this you out-oftune, boy-band wannabe, American Idol reject. (Now thats what I call a rant, you kids can take a lesson from this guy. Also stop singing on the crapper) To the gentleman who insisted on talking to me as I was taking a piss in Murray hall: A) No, I did not take history of France last year, B) Yes I am sure, C) Get someone to explain the whole “mens room etiquette” thing to you ASAP (Two-fer on bathroom shit this week) Every time Chinese people pronounce election, I can't help but laugh hysterically
(Funny story, I know a guy who works at a pack and ship, and one time he spent ten minutes telling someone “Then send your letter to the RIGHT Island!”, until he realized the guy was talking about New York. Nothing?Well it was funny at the time)
ON THIS DAY IN 1977 AT RUTGERS
Here is an interesting photo from the archives. Photo from the Brower steps. No idea what is going on here but it sure raises some eyebrows. Would you believe this was the basis of a personal from October of 77? YOU PEOPLE KNOW THE DRILL: A LETTER FROM THE LEFT SIDE EDITOR Well, another week has come and gone, and still not enough submissions to fill two pages. Tisk tisk. Come on people are you telling me that you arent angry enough to post anything? Nobody here has ever had somebody throw up on the side of their car on a friday night? Nobody took the last damn red velvet cupcake in the dining hall and pissed you off? You can’t honestly expect me to believe that you people aren’t mad about anything. If you don’t have anything to contribute, then move to Idaho or something. I hear there’s good potatoes out there. For those who have been submitting, keep up the good work! For those who aren’t, you know why I hate you.
Submit to the Personals to see your bitching in newsprint!
themedium.personals@gmail.com REAL ADVERTISEMENT
PERSONALS
Wednesday, Oktober 19h, 2011
the Medium
“Banks got bailed out, we got sold out!”
INSINCERE APOLOGIES
To anyone I came in contact with on Saturday Oct. 15th between 1 pm and 1 am. I just want to say I’m sorry. I was a drunk mess so I remember nothing, but I’m full of a regretful feeling so I’m pretty sure I owe plenty of people an apology. Thanks Medium for spreading the word ;)
THIS TITLE IS UNRELATED TO THE FOLOWING CONTENT
AS IS THIS ONE To Tillet Dining Hawl: I miss you man :( Now don’t get me wrong, the new Livi dining hall is amazeballs cruise ship status!!!, but I loved the uncanny nostalgia with which your late 80’s early 90’s dining atmosphere provided, softly complimented by shitty food (with the exception of your average espresso and cereal.) I hope they turn you into something COOL like a smokerfriendly roller rink or perhaps a cannabis studies department...? RIP <3 (We actually have a running joke here at The Medium that the new dining hall should be renamed to Tillet Memorial Dining Hall.)
To the asian/pacific islander girl on the EE on Tuesday: Learn a little subtlety. Invest in pants. Your tattered daisy dukes are disgusting and look like something a fuckin dog chewed up. And go easy on the makeup (Too bad I ruined it by giv- sweetie, bright red/oring you that header :-p. ange lipstick is not a great You’re welcome.) look on you. I haven’t seen a medium (Who the fuck under 50 in like two weeks! What says “Daisy Dukes”?) gives, did you guys just To the girl sitting behind stop delivering them? me in class: yea I farted. (Are you blind or just stu- In fact I farted multiple pid? You can find The Me- times and no I am not dium at any student center sorry for what I did. I or dining hall around cam- felt them coming on and pus. We also drop papers at I had to let them rip. At Dear Roommate, PLEASE some of the major classroom least they were SBDs (si- keep your underwear on buildings as well.) lent but deadly) so you YOUR side of the room. I To the super weird kid didn?t have to hear them. don’t appreciate stepping on my floor: I’m sorry Maybe next time you will out of bed and onto your but I do not understand realize not to sit in the USED panties. I found you when you drunkenly back of me. You don?t it quit gross. ALSO, can speak spanish and I do want to feel the wrath of you please not throw not want to practice your my farts again do you? your stuff all over the ballroom dance moves room? The floor around (Hey man, maybe she’s into with you at 1 in the mornMY desk ways filled German porn, you never ing on a Tuesday. Tu eres with all of YOUR junk know.) loco…for realz. that was not there when To the girl in Law and SoI went to bed. Thanks so To 99% of the bus drivers: ciety who felt it necessary much! Love, Your Anwould it hurt you to say to tell the whole class that noyed Roommate. hello back?! Would you 1. she knows someone die if you said “you’re Dear Friend. The Order welcome” when I say who sued L’Oreal over of Saint Beryl Articulatus “thank you”?! I’M BE- hair-dye 2. her husband of Cracow called. They ING POLITE AS SHIT left his wedding ring on need you to STFU, like AND YOU CAN’T EVEN some other girls vanity three days ago. SMILE BACK?!?!?! (to the 3. bailed somebody out (I actually looked this one 1% of bus drivers that do of jail and didn’t get her up...http://wiki.lspace.org/ money back 4. you were respond, THANK YOU. on Judge Judy. I believe I wiki/Chattering_Order_of_ You make my day). speak for the entirety of St._Beryl) (I call bullshit.) the class when I say, you Htdg wala hmbrgr? To guys at parties that were not 5. on Dr. Phil. Maddd missing vowels pretend to have British Keep your sob stories amo mhamed, madddd accents to get girls: NO to yourself because we missing vowels. Gotchu ONE BELIEVES YOU. don’t give a shit. tuff. You’re just a pathetic To that lil Mediterranean To the cricket in Loree mess that is most likely piece I saw on college room022, STFU! Can’t to go home and jerk off ave tuesday afternoon, you see that we’re trying all night on chat roulette. stop hiding that gem of to take a damn chem test If any girl does believe an ass you got on. That at the most ungodly hour you’re mother fucking long shirt you’re wearing of the night?! go be forevimpression, congratula- is ruining my day... er alone somewhere else! tions. You found another -stressed out chem stuhuman being who is as (Mine too!!! Talk about fail dent big of a piece of trash as fashion.) you are. I hope you’re LIVE FROM OCCUPY WALL STREET happy together. (More proof that girls are dumb.) Seriously, what’s the deal with calling girls “biddies”? The only other time I hear that word is the Bono episode of South Park. But really, when y’all say it you sound like 7 year olds.
FROM THE DESK OF SATANIC YODA Fuck you all for not submitting shit this week. Thank whatever-you-fucking-believe-in that we had some left over from last week to fill these pages. ~Satanic Yoda, Senior Personals Editor
UNEXPECTED
SPACE
to the two C.S.O.s that work the lobby, I have lived here for over a month and you still don't remember anyone. Its getting pretty old having to show my damn swipe every goddamn time I come in. It was fine in the beginning but this has got to stop. Why can't you be more like the nice lady in the morning. (But then they wouldn’t have as much fun trying to get you all pissed off when you come in)
To my roommate: where the hell do you go every single night? I know you go to class during the day but like when it?s late at night I just find myself sitting in our room by myself. Then you don’t come back until like 3 in the morning. Are you part of some cult? God I hope not. I don’t feel like making headline news the next day.
(Well at least he’s out doing something instead of making meth in your room. To the old lady who fell Thats how you make headdown ... well up ... the line news) steps at the livingston gee you’re right man. student center. take the The people responsible ramp next time or you for cars, computers, and may be confined to a modern medicine simwheelchair. ply don’t think critically. (What the fuck? I don’t Please push society in the know what to even say right direction. Better yet, about this shit. The fact that go fuck yourself with a this made it onto the page broom handle. shows how few submissions (Nobody cares what you we got this week. Fuck you think, sorry. Until next and the old lady.) week, motherfuckaz!) To my professor who during his lecture exclaimed: “OMG they’re dealing drugs, again!!” when my friend was simply offering me a curiously strong Altoid-brand breath mint: ...Seriously? lol wow... ur just too cute :) (Play your cards right and you’ll definitely be getting an A this semester ;-) Who the fuck decides to leave their convertible top down for 6 years? Its a fucking rolling terrarium. These are the reasons why you don’t buy a car sight unseen on the internet
To the kid in my class who looks and sounds exactly like Levar Burton: it would be so cool if you could just read books to us for the whole class period. Please consider it. Dear guy on the LX, you should turn down you iPod so the whole bus doesn’t hear you playing “Hero” by Enrique Iglesias and “Hey, Soul Sister” at top volume. It was pretty hilarious though. (Yeah, nobody wants to hear that crap. Turn it down or put on some better stuff)
Dr. K’s Story Time for Young College Students
Once upon a time, there was a young man in college named Steve. Steve was a cool guy, but he was also very tired. One day, he was working on his page in The Medium, and he realized that there were no more submissions. And just when he found that, his douchebag of a managing editor told him to remove an entire two fucking columns of his buddy
Dave’s page, meaning he had to fill that too. Steve was tired, so he told his douchebag of a managing editor, Dr. K. that he could suck his fuckin’ dick and that he wasn’t writing anymore. As such, you see this bullshit, so write some fuckin’ personals to themedium.personals@ gmail.com. If not, you’ll see this shit every fuckin’ week.
WINE & LIFESTYLE “KY JELLY TIME!!”
Wednesday, October 19thth, 2011
MAZE TIME BITCHES START HERE
SUGGESTIONS? IDEAS? QUESTIONS? ANYTHING AT ALL? SOMETHING? SEXTING?CONFESSIONS OF LOVE? THEMEDIUM.SHAKIN@GMAIL.COM!
JERK-OFF GUIDE(MALE [OR HERMAPHRODITE])
By: Matthew Clawson Throughout the ages, man has explored numerous ways to pleasure himself in the absence of the warm cozy vagina and/or mouth. First off, dim the lights and light some scented candles to set the mood for your hand and yourself. Let’s make this easy for you to follow at this point, after the mood is set proceed to.... 1. Select your preferred pornography for the day.( make sure you vary your porn as to not have the same experience too many times.) 2. While watching it stroke your penis softly until you are completely erect, at this point speed up the stroking continuously until you are near climax. 3. Once near climax you should slow down and avoid actually cumming, repeat this process many times, at least five for best effect. 4. Cum into a tissue so that clean up is not an issue, this makes masturbation much more appealing. Lazy solutions are best after all. It is not unheard of however for complications to occur. I will address several of them. If images of your innocent grandmother pop into your head mid-session feel free to slow down and place your grandma into a different corner of your mind. That, or look up more porn and drown her out. Also if you encounter a large mess after your monstrous ejaculation, try using a bucket instead of tissues.
AWESOME FOOD THING YOU SHOULD ALL TRY BECAUSE IT IS DELICIOUS Super Mega Delectable Sexy Calzones by Supa Krupa Troopa
END
WELL THAT’S FANCY
3 lbs pizza dough 3 lbs provolone cheese 2 lbs smoked bacon 5 packages of pepperoni 60 chicken nuggets 3 plates of calamari 1 lb onions 1 lb peppers 1 lb mushrooms Lingerie for your calzone to make it sexier 15 eggs, scrambled 2 lbs Cajun fries 4 bottles Ragu marinara sauce 4 bottles of Alfredo sauce 4 cups of herp derp Flatten the dough then throw all these ingredients in, fold it up and bake it. It’s a giant calzone jawn. Eat it, I dare you. You won’t. Yeah that’s right, you got no balls. If you think you can handle this, send us a picture of you making this dish and then eating it! We’ll give you a free tee shirt!
FOOD REVIEW
GREASE TRUCKS
YOUR WEEKLY ALBUM REVIEW
by: Morgan Freeman
As enjoyable as Asian restaurants have been during my time here, I do like variety in my culinary journeys. As a result of this I headed over to College Avenue this week to try a “Fat Sandwich” from the “Grease Trucks.” I could not fathom what to order from the plethora of available sandwiches so I politely asked the man in the truck to choose one for me. He replied by giving me what he called a “Fat Bitch.” I am not sure if this was because I am a gentleman of colour but I let it go. Why did I stand for this you may ask, the sandwich was simply delicious. As delectable and affordable as it was at $6.50 there was a flipside. I feared for my life as I left the parking lot. This “Fat Bitch” was going to be the end of me. I was worried I couldn’t handle her in all her glory and curves, but at the end of the day, I am indeed a man of colour.
Jane’s Addiction “The Great Escape Artist” As Reviewed by: JUSTIN MATCHICK
Jane’s Addiction’s fourth album is their first in eight years, and they are obviously trying to incorporate elements from each of their first three while also striving to move foreward musically. Like their last album, Strays, all of the songs are at a radio friendly length; you wont find any 8 or 10 minute epics like ‘Ted, Just Admit It...’ or ‘Three Days’ on this album. Still, thanks to new studio bassist David Andrew Sitek of TV on the Radio, the band is able to bring a darker, more modern music sensibilty to the old pornographic sex, expensive drugs, and genrebusting rock’n’roll mentality of 80s era Jane’s. There are definitely moments on this album that would sound perfectly home on a Muse or Radiohead cut. Tracks 7, 9 and 10 feature former Guns’n’Roses bassist Duff McKagan, leftover from his short tenure with the band that ended last year. Overall, if you want to hear one of the best alt rock bands of the late 80s proving that they can still keep up with the best rock acts of today, give this album a spin Steve’s still watching