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Volume XLVIII Issue VI
October 22nd, 2014
50¢
DYKE VAN STILL PARKED IN FRONT OF VAN DYKE
BY DR. TOSSED SALAD OPINIONS EDITOR
QUICKIES
NEW BRUNSWICK—Tuesday morning students and faculty quickly discovered that there was a random van parked in front of Van Dyke. RUPD quickly arrived on scene to properly ticket the van, but when they did they soon heard noises coming from the inside. “We heard voices coming from inside. There was a little bit of giggling. So we knew there were a couple people inside,” described Officer John Hamilton. Numerous attempts to communicate with the people "WHEN VAN'S A-ROCKIN', DON'T COME A-COCKIN'!" inside failed miserably however, Ellen with Justin! Did she drop Portia for that new skank bitch? by looking into the windows, of“Please excuse me...I’m just tryficers were able to identify that velopments. “What could they pos- ing to get to my class,” were also there were three women inside. Officers quickly took preven- sibly be doing in there? I hope heard from the crowd. Then in a tive measures and blockaded they are staying safe,” cried one shocking development, numerthe area of Voorhees Mall. Soon women from the crowd. “This ous feminist groups arrived on after, numerous students and is just terrible. They need to get scene in support of the women Continued on Page 2 faculty arrived to watch the de- those girls out of there,” and
I'M DOUBTING THOSE ARE TEARDROPS ON HER GUITAR
Taylor Swift's New Vibrator Song Causes Stir BY SAWYER NEWS EDITOR
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Pop music superstar Taylor Swift is due to release her new album, titled "1989", on October 27 and one track is already causing a stir. Critics call the track "Twister" a digression from her usual subject matter and parents are trying to organize a boycott. "Twister", which was released as a single last Wednesday, recounts the betrayal felt by Swift at the loss of her dearest, loyalest friend, her vibrator. In “IMMA LET YOU FINISH” the song, Swift thanks her vibra"Twister" has been with Swift through her most embarassing moments tor for consistently being there in the aftermath of every humil- to an orgasm," say the lyrics. beat songs about breaking up a iating breakup. But when she "For years, I relied on you so. relationship, but her most recent was let down the hardest her vi- Ever since the devastating text song of indignant rejection carfrom Joe [Jonas]. But now, when ries a tone that seems to have brator was of no use. "You were there for me at my need for you is large, it ends abandoned romance entirely. The subject is not Joe Jonas, Taythe bottom of every chasm. I up, you've go to no charge." Swift is known for her uplor Lautner, Jake Gyllenhaal, cried to you and you moved me
Full of Glamour Models Since 1970
Meet the Medium: Dr. Ruth isn't the only one "Sexually Speaking" tonight Poco Harem needs to recruit more concubines Manning's hair line passes the end zone, sets record for most forehead Three words: poop flavored Smirnoff Undecided student declares acting major, tells parents she's a thespian Grease truck loyalty cards can be redeemed for a cardiologist appt. Midterms provide gentle fucking Obama pushes secret bill for third term and kingship
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NEWS
Wednesday, October 22nd, 2014
themedium.news@gmail.com
"When Dad left, I had to rely on the Internet for advice."
THE DETAILS ARE FUZZY
ORGANIZED CRIME ALERT
Stray Pubic Hair Causes Local Ebola Scare BY JON GALT NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK--An Ebola scare has formed on College Avenue campus as a member of the [Lamda Epsilon] fraternity found the virus on his person. The student is currently quarantined in the frat house's boiler room, but many are concerned about infection. It is suspected that the host, who will not be identified at this time, had symptoms for a long time before diagnosis. Clad in Glad bags, Medium reporters were able to speak with the contaminated individual through the boiler room door. Not having travelled to West Africa recently, he is convinced that he contracted Ebola domestically. "It may have been from the girl I banged the night before, but I was taking my morning shower when I first saw it. I was scrubbing contently and I looked at my bar of soap. There it was, hugging the bar. Ebola, just like they show it in the news: that long strand with some curling on the end." His big, a senior epidemiology student, confirmed, the subject was with a new "thottie" Saturday night and a different one the week before. For all he knew, it was anonymous, too. "We can't track where it came from because my little isn't really selective or have a type. We are concerned about where it
Local Goombah Missing, Possibly Whacked
may be going, though." He continued to give us a tour of the house, starting with the porch. "I love him, but [the infected student] can't hold his liquor. Three Keystones and he was gone. That stain on the sidewalk his where he barfed the other night. We're concerned that many people could have been exposed to it when they stepped in the contents of his stomach." With strikingly malodorous breath, he continued, "We also know that he could have drunkenly used any of our toothbrushes, so we threw out all of them." University Health Services shares concern over the pile of bile. Representative Ophelia Paine told the press, "This new case has not been investigated by our scientists, but we urge precaution. Avoid casual sex and exposure to over-drinkers. This dangerous lifestyle fosters the spreading of Ebola. We regret not yet having taken action to quell the virus's proliferation, but we are planning on sealing off the frat house in question." Experts at the Center for Disease Control have been saying for weeks that there should be little concern for Ebola in the States and this is likely an overreaction or mistaken diagnosis. In accordance with larger media outlets, The Medium encourages that you totally lose your composure and panic.
BY PAULIE SOFFICER NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK--Friday night, local man Jimmy Two Shoes went missing, along with a carpet from his apartment. Police are calling this a targeted abduction, citing the fact that all of Two Shoes's satin shirts, Italian leather shoes, and gold necklaces were left on the mantle below an effigy of Jesus upon a crucifix. Also undisturbed were the exotic fish in the bedside aquarium. Neighbors claimed that Two Shoes was last seen being escorted to a dark blue Buick Le Sabre by a short, tan, dark-haired man who is suspected of being an affiliate of the Badabing organized crime syndicate. The neighbors also told reporters that they often overheard Two Shoes and his wife quarrel regularly. His wife, Vicky Two Shoes, is now seeking any information
about his disappearance and is very concerned for her husband. "He had a gambling problem and we had to borrow money from Daddy from time to time." Her father is Donald "Don" Vito is the owner of suspiciously lucrative concrete producer Vito's Cinderblocks and Cements of Lyndhurst. "I was very close with Jimmy, my son-in-law," said Vito, "and it pains me to see my daughter so distraught. I hope he will return and be sleeping with the fishes--his fishes--again, soon. Why, I just got him a new pair of shoes the other night when we went out together. They fit him so well, he wore them as we walked along the riverside." Although few clues have progressed the investigation, police say that Two Shoes's carpet has recently surfaced a few miles downriver on the Raritan.
with RUPD taking shifts guarding it in male only shifts at night, inside the van. while the fraternities which usu“We are here to support ally situate themselves outside these women in this obvious Brower Commons have vowed protest against male oppres- to watch over the van during the sion,” stated a member in the day. crowd which was followed by a “Yeah, fuck men!” response. As A LOVE STORY ...continued from front the crowd grew, many noticed that the van began to shake and John Mayer, Harry Styles, or Ed rock. “Get them out of there! Sheeran. This song reminisces Somethings wrong! Oh my fuck- the good times she had with her ing god!” many yelled before a vibrator that stopped working. quick moment of silence fell over "I tried to revive you, you which, “I bet they’re just fucking know I tried to repay you for each other,” was heard from the your kindness. But your motor crowd. Members of the feminist was fried." groups quickly rushed towards To quell some of the outrage sophomore Ben Edwards, who from parents of impressionable had not made the comment but daughters and critics comparing was the closest man to them, her to Miley, Britney, Amanda, and started beating the fucking Lindsay, and other disgraced shit out of him. Police tried to young starlets, Swift announced rush to his defense but decided that all the song's proceeds as a it was a lost cause. single will go to helping tornado As the beating was almost victims in the Midwest. over, another silence came over We called Swift for comthe crowd to hear “Oh, Bridget, ment, but have been told that keep eating my pussy,” erupt she does not answer her phone from the van. As the feminist any longer, it is deep in her flesh groups and the rest of the crowd pocket, set to vibrate. Rumor has heard this, many quickly dis- it, a new vibrator was bought persed with their heads down. and the defunct massager was “SCOTT TENORMAN SOLD ME HIS EBOLA” At present time, the van is retired amongst Swift's collecOkay, I think we can retire Ebola as the subject of any more news for now. still parked outside Van Dyke, tion of Grammy awards.
Editorial Staff Fall 2014
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Justin Lesko Michael-Vincent
Henry Yeh Fratypus
SHAGGIN' WAGON
...continued from front
News Editors Sara Markowitz Jonathan Holzsager Features Editor Lesly Kurian Opinions Editor Adam Romatowski Arts Editor Michael Lazaropoulos Personals Editor Lucas Onder Page A7 Editor Lee Matalon
Sports Editor Matthew Fastiggi Copy Editors Kaitlin Rogers Chika Kim Secretary Michelle Flynn Webmaster Michael-Vincent Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Stewart Hallman
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to fine print like me. Mmm...so fine! Also, best wishes to our hospitalized staph.
Wednesday, October 22th, 2014
themedium.arts@gmail.com
F/ARTS
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“As soon as I saw your big dick, I knew I was gay, dad.”
E-CARDS ARE ALL THE RAGE
DIARY OF A WIMPY WIMP
6 Ways I'm Less Privileged Than You BY POOJA PATEL STAFF WRITER
I'm usually a pretty positive person, but enough is enough! I am here to give some insight on this ridiculous debate about white privilege. Take notes.
USELESS REVIEW
Poop Flavored Smirnoff BY PIMP DADDY DINOSHI STAFF WRITER
Usually, Smirnoff fucks up all its flavors and is never what it advertises, but this time, I assure you, it ACTUALLY tastes like shit. The aroma and flavor are so realistic you can have a bottle of it next to you while getting a blowjob and it will qualify as a blumpkin. It is ideal for making jungle juice for the REAL crappy taste. Usually when you get six or seven shots deep you can’t even taste your favorite alcohol, but guess what this stuff still tastes like shit. This one’s for the real adults. Stay at home kids!
1. I will never know how to spell the word priveledge. Why? Because I don't have it. 2. I'm more likely to get stuck behind a slow-moving truck on the highway. 3. I'm less likely to get hit on at bars. 4. I'm more likely to be swiped left on tinder than white people are, reducing my chances of casual sex encounters. 5. I'm less likely to get the bang for my buck on Ancestry.com than my white counterparts. 6. I am more likely to get funneled through the American spelling bee network.
Do you think you're funny? If so, submit con tent to themedium.
HEY, I REMEMBER THESE GUYS! - BY FUCKING JOHN
LEATHER DADDY LONG LEGS-SAWYER
SAM HAS AN UNHAPPY JOHNSON- SAWYER
Okay guys, I don't have a lot of time, so I need be fast. People sent me some art. I didn't have to do any work. Gave me more time to shove candy corn up my asshole. Send art to themedium. arts@gmail.com Have you seen this lemur?
He stole my father's virginity. My dick has serious rug burn. Don't ask. Can you bring some ointment to our Medium Meetings on Wednesday at the BCC Room 116A at 8pm.
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MEET THE MEDIUM
Wednesday, October 22nd, 1980
MEET THE Justin Lesko AKA Dustin Jesko Editor-In-Chief
Michael-Vincent D'Anella Nutella Mr. Micromanaging Editor "I American Now."
"You know you want this weiner." €4.00/minute $6.00/minute
Henry Yeh Business Manager
Joe Ebbinger Personals Editor Emeritus
"Hi. My name is Henry."
"If you want an A, you'll have to take the D."
Priceless
$10,954/semester
Jonathan Holzsager News Editor
Sara Markowitz News Editor
"Mmm, Snickers Satisfies.
[Could not be reached for comment]
In bed." —9.81 m/s2
Reward if found
Mike Lazaropoulopoulos Arts Editor
Lesly Kurian Features Editor
"Wait til you see what's under my toga."
"Clean as the Ganges." 200 rupees/minute
€1.00/minute (Greece's GDP)
for a good time call
867.5309
Wednesday, October 22 , 1980 nd
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MEET THE MEDIUM
E MEDiUM Lee Matalon Page A7 Editor
Adam Romatowski Opinions Editor
"What the fuck did you fucking say you bitch?"
"You can toss my salad any time, baby"
DON'T FUCKING TRY ME, KIDDO/minute
$5.00/minute
Matt Fastiggi Sports Editor
Lucas Onder Personals Editor
"Somebody please talk to me."
"So it's like a customer service job, right?"
$0.00/minute
$2.00/minute
Elias Youssef Head Writer
Stewart Hallman Resident Douche
"You asked for a writer, but I can give you head."
"I have 3 minors. One of them is gender studies, babe"
$6.00/minute (first minute free!)
$0.50/minute
Kaitlin Rogers Copy Editor
Chika Kim Copy Editor
"OMG like heyyy, I can't wait for our convos! :D"
"Chika Chika Bom Bom" $8.00/minute
<3.33/minute
Michelle Flynn Secretary
Fratypus Mascot
"You fucked up my picture, Mike"
"..."
â&#x2030;&#x2C6;$3.50/minute
50¢
If you like what you e se, come to our meetings, Wednesday at 8 PM in BCC 116A
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, October 22nd, 2014
“Ben Franklin was a naughty boy, too.”
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
Please Take Me and Learn About Christ
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
WHAT THESE CELEBRITIES HAVE ON THEIR MINDS
“If you like something, anything at all, grind it up and smoke it. If you love something, anything at all (like your mom), grind it up and snort it.”
BY A MINI BIBLE
Hey, hey you. Yeah, why don’t you take me and learn about the amazing life of Jesus Christ. Did you know that he died for your sins? No, you didn’t? Well let me tell you, wait, wait, wait don’t walk away from me. Damn. Oh hey! Hey you. Yes, thank you for stopping. God bless you. Well, Jesus, he died for your sins, and he taught his disciples all of the teachings of the one and only God. So he wants you to learn and take me. Read me. You will see how it is better if you live your life free from sin and embracing Jesus Christ. What do you do with me after that? I mean what do you want from “It tastes really good when its me? I can only do so much since I’m a book. Just don’t leave me in moist and wet. the student center. Please don’t make me go back there.
Hey Listen to My Music and Preaching BY A LOUDSPEAKER
- Celine Dion
Sometimes if there’s no wet ones, dry ones taste equally delicious.” - Wiz Khalifa
WHY DON’T I TELL YOU ABOUT THE GREAT RELIGION OF JUDAISM. Why am I yelling? I’m a loudspeaker; it’s my job. Are you Jewish by any chance? You are? Well, why don’t you come closer and let’s talk. Just not too close cause I tend to get loud when I’m excited. Listen, why don’t you just walk right over there and our little helpers will hit you with this grass stick! No it’s not dangerous at all. Please don’t run away. HEY COME BACK HERE YOU HEATHEN. I want to help you discover the amazing old testament. That’s where all the good stuff happens. Yeah, the new testament happened. But what are you going to believe? Do you honestly believe Jonah didn’t get swallowed by a whale. Just walk over there and get hit by the stick and then I’ll let you go. There ya go. Good boy.
“Mangoes.” - Christian Bale
HOROSCOPES
HOROSCOPES Aries (March 21-April 19) Today is a 12. Now is the time to make the changes in your life. Like, right now. Like, this exact moment. Stop reading this and get your shit done. Stop procrastinating. Taurus (April 20-May 20) Today is a 3. Your negative energy is holding you back. Positive energy will change your life and is in your future. Solar panels will be installed in a parking lot on your campus. Pisces (Feb 19- March 20) Today is a jellyfish. Romance is a possibility. Sex is not. You might go out on a date, talk all night, see a movie, and maybe get a kiss but getting laid is definitely not a possibility.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Libra (Sept 23- Oct 22)
Today is a brouhaha. Having some problems? Do a puzzle. You won’t finish it. You might get all the edges finishes but the middle pieces….that ain’t happening.
Today is a Henry. Today is the day you give up on your hopes and dreams. Its too late in the semester to even try to fix your GPA. Just drop out and join a band.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Scorpio (Oct 23- Nov 21)
Today is a taco. You’ve been gathering clues about that special someone. Investigating about how they feel about you. Gathering their valuables. Does it matter that they don’t know that you exist? The stars say no.
Today is a pudding pie. Damn girl, you’ve been lookin fly as eva. Not one sweat pant day in two and a half weeks. You deserve a girl’s night out with the betches. Punch up the sexiness.
Aquarius (Jan 20- Feb 18)
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 19)
Gemini (May 21- June 20)
Today is a burrito. The past makes you depressed and the future makes you anxious. All we have is now. So blow that phat rail!!!
Today is BINGO! Never doubt your powers. Magic is powerful, voodoo is also effective, but witchcraft is the best suggestion.
Today is a day. Everything is falling apart. She dumped you. You failed the exam. Your friends hate you, and don’t return your texts. YA BLEW IT!
Sagittarius (Nov 22- Dec 21) Today is a Snuffaluffagus. You will find a coked up whore on the streets tonight. She will give you the best deal of your life. And by deal I mean she will become the mother of your children.
Today is a brony. You will end up in a great financial situation. I swear to God, all you’ll do is cash out. And if you ain’t a hoe, get up out your trap house.
PERSONALS
Wednesday, October 22nd, 2014
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“Why doesn’t the government give out girlfriends?”
TRANSPORTATION
EDUCATION
PUNISHMENT
I sat across from a guy on the bus today who was wearing a yamaka with a picture of the Pringles man on it. I bet he’s really fun at Sabbath.
Why do professors and students alike think it’s OK to swear in class? It’s totally unprofessional. The professors should know better. Like, dude, I know you got your PhD and were attracted to the classroom in part because of the leisure afforded to you, but that doesn’t mean you get to talk to us like we’re your buddies. To the students: I know many of you are just out of high school, but try not to let the freedom get to your heads, OK?
Sometimes when I think about all the bad things I’ve done, I like to take a belt and whip my back. It makes me feel better.
(I don’t think anyone is fun at Sabbath) To the guy on the LX on Monday around 4:30 on College Ave: I love that scarf in 70 degree weather, asshole! (You know nothing about fashion. Let him be.)
What’s up with people on buses to and from Busch who STAND IN FRONT OF EMPTY SEATS when everyone is getting on? Do they exist to make everybody else’s day more difficult? (You seem to not have been informed about the SARS on all the bus seats to and from Busch) To the people driving from Livingston to College Ave, fucking drive faster onto 18! You slow walking bitches almost got me hit way too many times. (I AM CONFUSED ARE THEY WALKING OR DRIVING THIS MAKES NO SENSE)
THE MAN Rutgers. STOP ASKING ME FOR MONEY. I haven’t even graduated yet. FUCK. (Barchi requires his coffers to be filled.) I’ve heard President Barchi takes his orders from a highly secretive and selective group of entrepreneurial, philanthropic, cultured badgers that frequent passion puddle as a smoke spot.
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(You know what they say, you gotta cough to get off.) Best place to peoplewatch: the back of Brower-facing the ramps. (Or the Brower bathrooms) Ebola only targets Gingers, I hear.
A Fishy Liberation The Medium has gotten a new personals editors and requires your voice to be heard. Help us out by giving me your rants, raves and stories about love and loss. Or about your lonely nights spent in your dorm every Friday night. You may just become famous. With Love, Something Fishy Submit to: themedium.personals@gmail.com
PARENTING
I always wondered why Luke was so upset Vader was his dad. If your dad effectively ruled the galLife is just a series of axy and wanted you to (If swearing is a fucking group project after group help you wouldn’t turn issue I do not understand project. that shit down. What if why you are reading this your aunt offered you paper or writing to it.) (This would be classified to a position at JP Morgan Chase? Exactly, bitch. many as hell) Really pissed off at the bearded atheist who goes off on tangents about how Muslims are evil. Like, bro, it’s chem lab, what the fuck are you talking about and why are you talking about it??
(Tell him to calm the fuck down and that he isnt no Walter fucking White. Or next time, accuse him of being a closet Muslim.)
(Would that mean the outbreak in Africa is a lie and Ireland is being ravaged?)
You are such a potty mouth. I bet your saliva is toilet water, and your teeth are made of porcelin.
(I think the Occupy movement is to blame for this)
Have you ever thought about recording yourself for a day and then realizing Doesnt it kinda suck re- how big of an asshole you alizing we will never be are? Or for the optimists out able to serve our country there, how tight of an assand get free cigarettes? I hole you are? hate this sober life.
PARENTING I can be a rank one door to door soup salesman (A man can dream, can’t he?) Dad, when you told me I wouldn’t amount to anything you never thought I’d be in the Medium. Zain! Hey! ZAIN! Look, I made it in here buddy! Fuck my dad!! (I’m sure he is so proud of your accomplishments and you totally are not the reason your parents got a divorce)
CROSSWORD PUZZLE
If you use Google Chrome and are a Netflix fan, use the extension called “Hola”. It’ll let you check out other countries Netflix and access shit the US Netflix doesn’t have yet. Candian Netflix has the Wolverine, the Dark Knight Rises, Wolf of Wallstreet, and more. Go on the Britsh Netflix and check out a show called Utopia, fuckin awesome. Happy Netflixing! (You just made the life of every lonely Rutgers student who spends their Friday nights in their dorm a lot better.) WHY CAN’T I FUCKING DO A HANDSTAND??
(It all makes sense now as to why he can’t meet with students this semester, although I’m sure he bumps (I would suggest diet and into a few of them them at exercise but I am no expert. Perhaps, masterbating more the smoke spot.) can help?) A clown walks into a bar. Everyone laughs. What Everyone says there are does that say about hu- no wrong opinions and that no question is stumanity? pid. Come to my AmeriFuck this shit. I ain’t a can studies class and girlfriend who spills gos- some of those fart sucksip. Fuck this shit, I’m ers will prove you wrong out. in a second.
Across
Down
4. Education Opportunity Fund 1. Virus, sounds like Ontario acronym backwards 2. Last name of RU quarterback means no 5.Strange clowns have been spotted in this go in Spanish California Town 3. Two-wheeled mode of transport in NYC; 7. 7 members of this HS football team, rhymes with Titty Like reason we can’t have nice things 6. Avoid swimming in this body of water on 8. PSL stands for: Douglass 9. You are --- if you remember Yorba Lounge7. Classroom building in Livi that doubles 11. Has a microchip in her brain. as a maze. 12. Zombie show that we can’t believe is still running
october 22nd, 2014 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com THE BIRTHPLACE OF MEDIOCRE COLLEGE FOOTBALL
ACCORDING TO RUTGERS FANS, LOSING IMPORTANT GAMES IS TOTALLY FOREIGN BY SHREG GIANO SPORTS EDITOR
"BIT OFF MORE THAN WE CAN CHEW" Unlike most fans, Rutgers head coach Kyle Flood appreci ates just how screwed they are, with away games at Nebraska, Michigan State, and Maryland still lurking
PISCATAWAY— After Rutgers’ crushing defeat at the hands of Ohio State University last Saturday, team members and fans alike were in absolute shock. Even though Rutgers came in as heavy underdogs, the team and fans expected a decent game from a team that seemed
to be turning the corner and ready to compete for a Big Ten title. Instead, they watched their team look outmatched and outcoached in every aspect of the game, something absolutely unknown to Rutgers fans. “Yeah, no. I’m digging deep into the memory banks here, but
KEYS TO THE MATCH UP: RUTGERS vs. NEBRASKA
I cannot possibly come up with a time when we seemed like contenders only to blow it,” local Rutgers fan and alumni Kenneth Snicker told reporters. “I mean, there was that time we knocked off number 3 ranked Louisville and then the next game, uhhh, yeah, I don’t exactly remember what happened,” a slightly nervous Snicker added to his statement. When Medium reporters got a chance to interview quarterback Gary Nova, his reflection seemed to indicate signs of amnesia, as he completely failed to recount his fiveinterception performance just weeks ago. “Nah man, I really don’t think we have a tendency to look like contenders and then totally blow it later. I, for one, know that I certainly never single-handedly cost us a huge win over Penn State or contributed to a horrendous blown lead against Louisville that cost us a Big East title and a BCS bowl,” Nova confidently told reporters.
Scarlet Knights' volleyball team does something? BY JUST THE TIP EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
-Find a way for defensive linemen to grow a few inches and put on 30+ pounds in the next three days. -Practice that advanced football technique in which a defensive player uses force and body positioning to stop an offensive player, (called tackling, for you aficionados.) -Politely ask a big-time program like Oregon if you can perhaps borrow their backup quarterback after Ohio State's backup looked like a Heisman candidate Saturday.
-Do whatever Ohio State did -If above is successful, that's kind of it, really. I mean, what do you want? A freakin' fullblown game plan? You're playing Rutgers at home, and you're a more talented, larger Big Ten team. Get it together. -If the above does not work, you're probably still fine. -You're insisting that you get actual football advice? Fine. How about you throw it sometimes and then other times run it, so the defense is confused. That should be good.
Team Psychologist Arnold Smithers believes that fans and team members are exhibiting signs of the Freudian psychological process known as selectively repressed memory. “Surely that is what is going on here,” Smithers explained to reporters. “Rutgers football has been doing this for at least the past seven years or so; they will seem like they are emerging and ready to hit the next level only to fall flat on their face time and time again. The fans that continue to be surprised by this phenomenon and expect Rutgers to win huge games are in denial and, frankly, crazy.” As Rutgers begins its preparation for the Nebraska game next week, expect fans to preach that “Ohio State is one of the best teams in the entire country, there's no shame in losing to them,” and that Rutgers “can’t possibly be as bad as they looked on Saturday, right?”
PISCATAWAY— Behind a heroic effort from their senior captain, the Rutgers volleyball team shocked many with a win over heavily-favored Michigan State University this weekend. Or they lost to Montclair State University in a thrilling upset. Do they play Montclair? I’m not sure, actually. Wait, wait, they hosted a car wash this weekend to raise funds for breast cancer research. The players and coaches donated their time for such a good cause and we would like to commend them. No that can’t be right. Who hosts a car wash in October? They must have done the ALS ice bucket challenge and gone viral. Wait, once again it’s too cold for that.
They must have gone on the road and performed admirably, win or lose. I don’t remember seeing any signs or hearing about a home game. Is it game, or is it match? There are sets involved, right? But not like tennis sets. I think sets are when they hit the ball. The Scarlet Knights could not have beaten a Big Ten team because we surely would have heard of it. The football coach or athletic director would have half-heartedly tweeted or sent out an email about it and pretend like they weren’t focused solely on the Ohio State game. Congratulations to the Knights, or sorry for your loss, or thank you for the good work you do off the court or in the classroom.
Rutgers: Where the top ranked sports team has to advertise its games