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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
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OCTOBER 23rd, 2013
Volume XLVI Issue VI
ITS THE GAY ISSUE! YUP THAT'S A THING
GAY COMMUNITY NOT SURE WHAT TO PROTEST ABOUT ANYMORE BY BAKING UP TROUBLE MANAGING EDITOR
TRENTON, NJ-- The recent ruling by the Mercer County Superior Court has left a gaping hole in the lives of gays around New Jersey, a hole that cannot be filled. Monday was the first day when same-sex couples in the state were able to legally say their I do’s and while this seems like a time to rejoice for the gay community, many were left asking themselves, “what do we do now?” Homosexuals now wake up to a typical boring and unfulfilling life, trying to figure out how to spend all of this free time that they now have on their hands, resulting in mass hysteria. “I used to exert my anger at marriage equality rallies all day, every day, and now I’m lucky if I can even get pissed at the bitch This transition to quieter who keeps messing up my cof- times can be related to the Afrifee order at Starbucks,” said lo- can-American community when cal gay Antoine Laferve. the Civil Rights Movement end-
ed in the 1960s, forcing blacks to find a new cause to fight about: desegregating seedless and nonContinued on Page 2
GOING THAT EXTRA YARD, OR NOT
For Gary ‘TurNova,’ Interceptions Go Beyond Football
BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON STAFF WRITER
PISCATAWAY, NJ – People nationwide who tuned in to watch Rutgers play Louisville know what Nova's game is all about: throwing the ball to the other team. But where Nova and overly-optimistic Rutgers fans see room for improvement, those close to Nova simply see an extension of Gary's regular life. A “close friend” of Nova's, in an interview with The Medium revealed that Gary “gets picked off” while attempting most daily activities. “At the dining hall, he'll be reaching for a wide-open plate, but almost always an agile black guy will jump in front and grab it right from under him. In class, his homework always gets intercepted on his
way to handing in assignments. Someone gets a free 100% at Gary's expense.” New information has sparked an NCAA investigation into Nova's eligibility. Reportedly, Nova never actually received
a high school diploma. As he was about to grab it and shake hands with his superintendent, an Eagle swooped down and snatched it. This could be Continued on Page 2
Your Personal Door Mat SInce 1970
QUICKIES
Hot Freshman Finally Turns 18, Seniors Rejoice Student Begins to Show PTSD from Involvement Fair Unemployed Caged Chickens,“My Eggs are Still Good!” Someone Hacked your Facebook; Really? A Coke Bottle? Gov. Christie to LGBT Community, "We're Cool Now Right?" Prostate Cancer Patient Misses the Doctor's Touch Due to Breast Cancer Awarness Boehner Stands Tall and Firm after Government Shutdown Jameson toilets found to discriminate against plus size poopies. Spikes in Flamboyancy Levels Following Gay Marriage Ruling Rutgers Giving Out Free Condoms With Slutty Halloween Costumes Targum Finally Finds EIC after Three Months of Searching on okcupid.com
the Medium
NEWS
“No way man, I freaking hate Trudy."
Wednesday, October 23rd, 2013
BACK THAT ASS AWAY, FAR AWAY
BIG ASS BREAK
Tears and Pounds Shed for Fraternity to Introduce Knight Wagon Hiatus New Yoga Pants Trade-In Many were found weeping as those nearby attempted to conProgram NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – sole mourning students with reBY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NEWS EDITOR
Much to the dismay of fat-asses campus-wide, the University’s most popular dining service, the Knight Wagon, has announced on Monday that it will be temporarily closing its services for maintenance and resupply. Since its opening last semester, the gourmet food truck, which provides quality meals ranging from shish kabobs to entire turkey legs for the cost of a Meal Swipe, captured the hearts of many Rutgers students who depend on its delicious menu options. Assistant director of Rutgers Dining Services Earl Navarro released a statement the other day describing how pleased they were with the Knight Wagon’s success. “The Knight Wagon will return as soon as we finish the scheduled vehicle maintenance and resupply of our products,” said Navarro. “You would not believe how long it takes to kill that many steroid-enhanced turkeys!” Navarro’s statement was met only with distress, as many students lament the food truck’s absence. Across all campuses, students wander aimlessly looking for their only source of nourishment on a Meal Swipe Plan.
assurances such as “it’ll be back next week” and “there’s always the Sbarros on Livi.” College Avenue Campus has been experiencing the brunt of this strife, as many students would sooner choose starvation over dysentery at Brower. These recent developments have inadvertently caused many students to lose weight. Nutrition professor Emily Stanflenecki, an expert on obesity, told Medium reporters, “It’s not rocket science people. Our students have stopped eating their daily lard sandwiches, so now they’re losing their fat, probably because getting up from their seats burns enough calories for their stressed arteries. Why the hell do you even need me to say it?” Public outcry against the Knight Wagon’s hiatus has been significant. Some students have organized a hunger strike against the food truck and refuse to eat until it returns. This hunger strike is projected to further decrease student obesity. A candle light vigil will be held on Friday at 9pm at the Brower Steps for the students to find comfort during this lamentation.
BY BY ANIME HAIR STAFF WRITER
PISCATAWAY, NJ -- This Thursday will mark the beginning Greek programs across campuses to rid the world of ‘sexy bitches not wearing yoga pants.’ A spokesperson of Gamma Alpha Upsilon has said, This will be the single most influential program since the Great T-shirt Wettening of ‘84. Fraternity brothers plan on “gently coercing” the svelter lady students into trading in their sweats for yoga pants, while “violently harassing” the ‘fat chicks’ into doing the opposite. “I’m just so sick of it,” one new rushed brother bemoaned, “every day, these women walk around and it’s a waste of ass. What’s the point of a woman having a butt, if I can’t even masturbate to it later?” Alternatively, the “epidemic of fattyass [sic] surrounding this campus is mad unbelievable.” Several methods were brought to the floor last evening, at the Inter-Fraternal Council meeting, in order to better persuade students to cooperate. For the sweats-to-yoga-pants exchange, such profound thoughts as “buying her shit” to “getting her drunk” to “bringing her to the smush room” in order to steal her pants and replace them were suggested. For the yoga-pants-tosweats exchange, “blowhorn in the ear,” “baseball bats,” and “throwing donuts to lure her in” were especially popular options. When one brother proclaimed NOT SURE as ridiculous as making gay sex that he liked a little meat on his ...continued from front education part of the everyday seedless watermelons in su- curriculum in public schools,” TURNOVA ...continued from front permarkets around the United mentioned gay teacher, Bill grounds for suspension or loss States. Compoter. “It is very important of eligibility all-together. When Gay organizations in that both straight and gay stuNew Jersey are also trying to dents learn about the wonders Kyle Flood was asked about come up with their next move of anal sex and “swordfight- the possible NCAA sanctions against his quarterback, he was but many are feeling hopeless, ing.”” ecstatic. According to him, a unable to find something to get Until a new movement has suspension would be a “huge mad about. spring up, many gays are filling “Homosexuals are just go- their time by picking up casual fucking relief” and added that ing to become regular people activities like knitting and criti- “Watching Gary TurNova play unless we join together once cizing straight people on how makes [him] sick sometimes.” If Nova can't look forward again for some effort even if it’s they dress.
Editorial Acting Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Staff Business Manager Fall 2013 Mascot
Devin Baker Devin Baker
Yagnesh Patel Rob the Sun God
News Editors Michael Vincent Michael Lazaropoulos Features Editor Leif Tornberg Opinions Editor Eli Youssef Arts Editor Lisa Mathews Personals Editors Adam Romatowski Justin Lesko
girls, he was promptly booed off stage and paddled. Thad Richards the Third, president of Gamma Alpha Upsilon , explains the importance of this event. “This isn’t simply a battle between the asses, so to speak,” he explains. “These fat bitches...like what is up with that? Why are they wearing tight pants? Do they think we can’t tell that one wrong lunge toward the buffet will rip the whole thing to shreds? Shame on you, fat bitches. Shame. On. You.” Richardson then proceeded to smash a Heinikin can against his forehead and chug the contents. Benefits from the event will go toward centers which help young women overcome eating disorders. to success with football or most of his real life, shouldn't he at least be able to enjoy the assgetting perks of being a division one quarterback? Sadly, no. Another of Nova's friends revealed that he saw Gary get intercepted while attempting to hook up with a “dirty hoe.” Embarrassed, his response to the negative press was, “I'm just trying to move on and prepare for Hou—. Back Page Editor Sasha Romayev Copy Editors Lisa Mathews Lesly Kurian Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Sasha Romayev Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Facebook Hacker
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Mike Greek, who is moving to Greece for his arranged marriage.
FEATURES
Wednesday, October 23st, 2013
“I know you don’t like this but HAPPY BIRTHDAY! <3 (you know who you are)”
MUSIC BITCHES
My Playlist BY FOUR LOKI A WOMAN
1. Lana Del Parabola- her summertime sadness just keeps going down till negative infinity 2. Leadie Gaga- she suffers all the negative side effects of lead poisoning. 3. Forever Alone Island- if she puts a bag over your head during sex, then you’re pretty much fucked relationship-wise. 4. Madonna, Yourdonna, Hishersitsdonna- she doesn’t care about self-empowerment. She’s such a material girl. 5. Clay Makin’ - he turned to pottery making after a failed singing career. 6. Josh Gropin’ - he has the face AND the voice of an angel. Therefore, he is automatically entitled to grope anything (or anyone) that he wants to. 7. Ariana Pequeña - there’s a lot of talent in that tight little 5-foot body of hers. ;) 8. Adam Ravine- his career was so disappointed after joining The Voice that it jumped into a ravine and died. R.I.P. 9. Martina McWidow- She ain’t a bride no more. 10. Spackling Paste and Drywall Lewis - they’ll stick together, no matter what happens.
PICTURE FOR BETTER VIEWING PLEASURE
You are what you eat
EROTICA
the Medium
Breaking Balls Part 1
BY HEISENBULGE AND EDWARD VAN YOLOSTEIN PEOPLE THAT EXIST
Spending yet another night alone in his Nebraskan cabin, Walter White realized that although the stove fire was hot, it could not spark his own inner sexual fire. In fact, it had not been ignited for quite some time. Even prior to his departure from Albequerque, his internal furnace was lacking fuel. Although Skylar and Walter’s chemistry was hot and heavy, Skylar failed to deliver Walt to his desired chemical reaction. In fact, there was only one person that had the missing element to Walt’s experimentation. The final solution to Walt’s 50-year sensual experiment was discovered on a hot day in the RV. A day so hot that Walt had to take his apron off, and not worry about the contamination. But little did he know, a new substance would come upon him shortly. The apron felt so heavy on Walt’s sweaty skin. He had to strip down to nothing but his tighty (Walter) whities. The meth cooking was going on as normal. But then something explosive happened. Walt and his partner in crime, Jesse Pinkman, both reached for the Sudafed. There hands touched, and they felt each other’s exothermic heat. Perhaps this was the universe’s way of foreshadowing the many nights they had ahead, where Sudafed would be used for much more than meth production. Although the meth wasn’t done cooking, Walt and Jesse had begun cooking up something else during that time. Slowly, Walt’s hand reached for Jesse’s man stubble. He felt Jesse’s endorphins surging through his body, as he smelt his pulsating neck. Walt whispered into Jesse’s ear, “Although this desert is dry and barren, does your bush have the juicy forbidden fruit?” Jesse inhaled Walt’s essence and exhaled the words,” why don’t you follow the happy trail? Bitch.” Walt slid his fingers down Jesse’s hairy hide, and unlocked the door to his secret stash. He grabbed Jesse’s test tube and began to mix his chemicals. He realized though, to become the catalyst, he had to get on his knees. Although Walt was notorious for tasting all of his chemicals before an experiment, this was a new process in Walter’s “white” scientific method. The temperature reached a boiling point, and Jesse fermented. All. Over. Walt’s. Face. Jesse exclaimed, “Yeah science bitch!”
CONTEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CONTEST !!! :D
NUMBAS
Numbers
1 16 Person whom I know that their People addicted to cancer birthday is today 1
Person mad at me for writing the above
Everyone Loves penguins
Send in a picture, it must be funny. It can be real, photoshopped, or anything in between. If your picture is deemed the funniest by our panel of asshole judges, then YOU GET TO CREATE THE FEATURES PAGE the week after I announce the winner. The deadline is MONDAY OCTOBER 28 AT 7:00 PM. Send your pictures to THEMEDIUM.FEATURES@GMAIL.COM. If you win you will be emailed. WINNER WILL ALSO RECEIVE A FREE SMALL BAG OF CHIPS OF THEIR CHOICE. You must own the photo- we cannot publish photos that you do not have the rights to. Good luck, and YES, THIS IS A REAL CONTEST!
UGLY THING OF WEEK
CUTE THING OF WEEK
the Medium
OP/ED
“I wouldn’t stick a coke bottle up MIKE’S ass”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
Bagels Ain’t Got Shit On Me. By Saltwater Taffy It seems that my ability to be a quality representive of food in New Jersey has been brought into question by a certain opinion writer in the Targum this past Monday. I’ll have you know I find that highly disrespectful; to even be used in the same sentence as that doughy filth known as a bagel is completely outrageous. This is a travesty in the highest regard, of course I’m a quality representative of this disgusting old state. Do you know who the hell I even am? I’m saltwater fucking taffy, and last I checked I was carrying the entire Jersey Shore on my sticky sweet back. Last I checked a fat sandwhich couldn’t even lift itself up without imploding into a hot greasy mess. I don’t see anyone saying “OH, YOU SHOULD TOTALY GO TO PARAMUS AND TRY THEIR FUCKING BAGELS.” Bitches don’t know their place and nobody disrespects the taffy. NOBODY. I’m iconic. You know what isn’t iconic? Pork rolls. Jesus Christ, a pork roll? You’re tell-
ing me my sweet sugary multi-flavored concoction is outclassed by a hunk of old meat? What is this shit? That’s not even kosher, bro! I can be enjoyed by everyone of all races and creeds. Pork rolls are fucking racist. I’m completely sensitive and caring. I even come in multiple colors! If you think that I can’t be a quality representation of the food of this state then you don’t know nothing. I’ve been rocking these shores for over a hundred years and I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. Not even a cataclysmic hurricane got rid of me. I’m stuck here with you guys and you better be happy about it, or you’ll be sorry you ever messed with saltwater taffy. I’m ashamed that I was slandered by some punk ass kid. He should go back to MASSA-FUCKING-CHUSETTS. Like he’s some authority on food in New Jersey.
UNIVERSITY VOICES
“How Do You Feel About Gay Marriage Being Legalized in New Jersey?”
Wednesday, October 23rd, 2013
DESPERATE COMMENTARY
The Medium Ruined My Life
By So-’n-so, the intern nobody cares about. During my first year at this school, I was a brighteyed student with high hopes and a personal drive to do anything and everything. Then I joined the Medium. I was told about this “comedy newspaper” by some friends, telling me it was some of the funniest shit they ever saw, and anyone could join. It sounded fantastic, so I went to a few of their meetings, and had a great time and all, pitching things and making jokes. Eventually I started submitting articles, and it was so exciting when they ran my news article on wild kumquats roaming Cook/Douglass. I started submitting more and more, trying to get funnier with each article. I even started to go to their production meetings. Everything was going great, but half way through my semester, things took a turn for a worse. They started asking me to do some extra things. At first it was simple stuff, take some pictures of some random buildings for news articles, write an extra article for features, you know, basic stuff. But slowly, they started asking me for things that... well, I wasn’t too sure about. Things like buying a few ounces of crack for the editor-in-chief, having to take out these really weird trash bags that were really heavy and filled with something wet... now I think the FBI is looking into me. Last week they wanted me to inject myself with some weird liquid I had never seen before. It was like a glassy purple stuff that smelled gross. I ended up doing it because I really wanted them to like me, but three days after I did it, I woke up later naked in the middle of the football field with a bear and five of those wet heavy bags again. I’m not sure I can leave, and I think if I tell anyone about this I’m going to go to jail. And not the ok jail that you can get out of without getting too messed up. The jail where people stop remembering who you are and if you ever existed. Help me. I don’t want to hurt people anymore, these people are crazy and I can’t stop. I don’t know how. So many people are gone.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
Totally great hookup after that party last night, bro.
“FUCKING ROCKS” President Barky Not Barchi
“ I am extremely disappointed in our nation’s ability to protect the institution of marriage” Anonymous, Totes anonymous
“That’s Gay” Jimmy Freeland, New Brunswick Resident, age 12
HAVE SOMETHING YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT? LIKE MAKING INANIMATE OBJECTS HAVE FEELINGS? SUBMIT YOUR IDEAS TO THE OPINIONS AT: THEMEDIUM.OPINIONS@GMAIL.COM
BY STANDARD FRAT BRO Damn, we had this party at the House last night, and shit bro, I got so wasted, like, we were doing shots and shots, and dancing with the sweetest bitches, and I brought this girl upstairs to my room, man, she was so hot, I mean, like, she was blonde and everything, and I started undressing her, and we just went at it all night while the party was raging downstairs, and, jeez, you could hear us through the walls, and we went at it till we both collapsed, and fuck, I don’t remember much else but shit was great.
You could do better. BY BED
Ok, first of all, I’ve been your bed for nearly two months now. I witness everything. The girl you brought up last night? She doesn’t even compare to the porn you watch on me. You may have been wasted but everything was clear to me. And her bra that you were so quick to rip off and throw aside? The Floor read me the tag: 38D. Yeah, that’s right: you banged a fat chick. And not only that, you only lasted 7 minutes. How do I know that? I was holding my breath, counting the seconds, waiting for the combined 320 lbs. to stop rocking. I know it’s your first time living in a frat house, but seriously, you could to better. And not to guilt you, but when you were doing the sensual spoon, her cross necklace kept bumping against my frame. You’re Jewish bro, would your father approve?
Wednesday, October 23rd, 2013
ARTS
“I don’t know you, but take a shot with me so I’m not drinking alone.”
MY HOT FRIEND JESSE - PROFESSOR XXX
THE MAN WHO MARRIED HIS DOG - MICHAEL INTERRANTE
And the Pope is Catholic. by Ctrl+Alt+Delete AND THE POPE IS CATHOLIC - CTRL+ALT+DELETE Sunday, October 20, 2013
7:44 PM
the Medium
PERSONALS
the Medium
Wednesday, October 23nd, 2013
“I might have sex with a girl this weekend...it’s gonna be awful.”
SKINNY & ANGRY
LOOOOONG ONE
CLASSY
GIRLY DRINK OF THE WEEK
I am not sorry if my health consciousness hurts your fat pride. Fat shaming week should be every week, or at least until your ass rolls can fit into a single seat designed for normal people. Thin Privilege is having to give up three spots on the EE for one person.
Bus Etiquette, okay what the fuck are you stupid shits doing? Is this freshman year? Is this the beginning of the fucking school year? Let me teach you how the fucking bus works since you apparently suffered massive brain damage since school began. When you get on the bus, GO TO THE EMPTY SEATS OR AWAY FROM THE DOOR!!! Don’t just stand in a clusterfuck around the door so nobody else can get on! Okay now that you’re away from the door what do you do? WRONG! YOU DO NOT STAND IN FRONT OF AN EMPTY SEAT!!! You sit in the seats you sacks of human refuse. Last question, when you’re finally seated where do you put your backpack, purse, or whatever else you might happen to carry your accumulated filth in? You put it on the ground! You put it anywhere else THAT ISN’T THE MOTHERFUCKING EMPTY SEAT NEXT TO YOU!!! On a side note if the bus is packed and there is some space between you and the next standing person, you move up and spoon that bitch. You walk up to them, introduce yourself, and then plant your fucking dick, breasts, or whatever your horrendous genitalia might be called on their back. Then you have a nice quiet ride to your bus stop pretending that the person behind you isn’t doing the same thing you are to the person in front of you. Thank you for your cooperation.
How the fuck do you expect me to understand what’s going on class when every goddamn time you do a problem on the board you mess up. Seriously, who the hell let you become a professor? Did the board just go, “Oh he’s not white and we can’t really understand him, he must be a genius!”
While you’re sending your personals to
(Fat guys have bigger dicks. Fat girls also have bigger dicks.)
BROWER TIME Brower is trying to mask their shitty food with new tables and chairs. But we still know Brower. We. Still. Know. (The old tables and chairs will now be used as food. Mac-and-chair Monday. Table tot Tuesday.)
COMPLEMENTS To the girl next to me in class, thanks for keeping me awake. You’re pretty awesome, hope you have a good day. (Dude, leave her the fuck alone. She’s just trying to get an education, she’s not a fucking piece of meat for you to stare at all day. Assholes like you are what make all of us guys look like dicks. Fuckin’ A!) yo i just got complimented nigga, yo u cute too aight (Now that is more like it. This is how ladies, and I mean ladies, not bitches or sluts, should be courted. I salute you good sir.) the bitch ive been fuckin this past month has got to go. leave me the fuck alone after you get that d (Once again a fine young gentleman proving honestly is the best policy.)
(Ever since whiteboards and greenboards were desegrated, shit has really gone down hill for the white man..)
themedium.personals@gmail.com, feel free to drink the sangria sampler at Outback Steakhouse. Three 4 oz glasses of the beautiful nectar of the gods that will lube up your taste buds. Nothing wrong with a little ‘gria, even if you’re not Portuguese or a gay. Don’t forget to eat at least a 24 oz steak so the ladies know you’re trying to lube up their taste buds too.
I’m convinced that the HOUSE, M.D. psychology department sends subliminal messages in their lectures for I came home last week to their female students to my one of my roommates in a Buzz Lightyear cosdress like sluts. tume, one eating ketchup, and the other passed (I need to switch my major out in the hallway with to psychology ASAP!!!) no pants on. The kitchen was covered in uncooked spaghetti too. If The Medium production room is a-rockin, don’t come a-knockin! (So the pregame sounds good, but how was the party?) (Amen to that!)
JEWISH-ISH I’m so bad at acting Jewish! Like, the other day, I actually pronounced the ‘ch’ in Chabad House. I’m such a failure :( (Do you even lift the dreidel, bro??)
ABUSE
Five minutes after my housemate’s girlfriend comes over, I already hear them fucking.
BOOBS The hanging lights in Neilson still look like boobs. (The building was erected in 1960. I was erected when I walked in there in 2013.)
IMMA GO HAM Does nobody appreciate hard as a motherfucker weekend busses are? They drive fast. Don’t wait for no one. It’s actually kinda bad ass.
Allie James, the porn star, was so nice and down I like it when it rains be- to earth when I met her cause everyone walks at the porn convention. around with different Then I saw videos of umbrellas and it reminds multiple penises inside me of Animal Crossing. her, so there’s that.
NFL WEEK IN REVIEW
If you sleep on buses don’t lean your head on my shoulder. When I’m next to you or I’ll give (Honestly, I didn’t read you a concussion. this.)
SHORT ONE my penis
(Uh are you stupid? Concussions are a myth like Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster. Just ask the National Football League.)
EVER EAT A CHIPOTLE BURRITO LOADED WITH BEANS THEN TRY TO SIT IN A MEDIUM MEETING FOR AN HOUR WITHOUT SHITTING YOURSELF? WANT TO? TOO BAD NOT THIS WEEK FUCKERS. COME SEE US AT THE BED RACES WE’RE GONNA WIN IT’S A FIX.
(Jets 27- New England 24)
PERSONALS
Wednesday, October 23rd, 2013
the Medium
“What do you know about me Kerri!”
ADMIRAL FRUITSALAD III
HEY CUTIES,
SPOONS
JUST BEAUTIFUL
Sucking dick or dick sucking? Either way you still sucking dick, bitches.
To the weekend 1 driver, you motherfucking asshole! You take ten cunt gargling minutes for a break just to stand outside and look constipated. And then the bus broke down and we wasted more time. Fuck (Was sent as a personal, but was just so beautiful it had to you and go spoon a table be bigger.) saw!
I’d just like to introduce myself while I edit your silly little personals this week. Such a sweet little page. Well I’m taking over for my brother-in-law Dr. Tossed Salad for the week and I am just super excited. So some of my interests are sailing, getting fucked silly, growing lost exotic fruit, having sex with guys, home decorating, baking, NICE ANIMALS FUCK BUSES (Mmmm I love when the dressing up my dog as a 1970s diva, sex weekend driver fucks my I like it when it rains be- To that one B bus buswith guys, and cleaning my bathtub. asshole. And don’t tease me Okay so if you like my sexy page send me personals at themedium.personals@gmail.com AND Follow us at our new twitter handle @PersonalsRU Love ya all bitches. :-* ALLOW ME
SOME SEX
Doctor, How is it that with 50,000 people at Rutgers, the people I hate end up in front of me on buses?
Last Monday I went from the morning having that sweet asian fever, to by the afternoon completely losing it. Like do they all get busted throughtout (Well the doctor is out, but the day? I’ll take a shot at answering this. See you just, you (They all go to take naps.... should just eat an orange, so I watch, and eat some yeah that’s it. Oh maybe a kumquats and then some apple, or KIWI YES KIWI.) saltwater taffy.)
cause everyone walks with the spooning. Nothing around with different is better than laying in the umbrellas and it reminds arms of your man.) me of Animal Crossing. Spoons are just so cute. (I thought this personal was They remind me of a a going to be about a cute nice skinny bitch with a animal movie, but it’s just a fat ass. fucking game. No one likes a tease.) (I like to think of spoons like cocks with giant heads. A It’s been at least a week nice spoon can fork me any- since this bitch has talkday.) ed about how much she loves cats, I’m hoping that she has finally forIN THE SHOWER got. To the old guy at werblin who sat at one of the ma- (But they are so cute, you chines soaking wet and know, when they shit in then began to read the your fucking house! Fuck I daily targum for 30 min- hate them.) utes, go, kindly, fuck off.
FUCK I LOVE ASIANS
(Oh he did, I watched...and TOO then read about Saltwater Taffy.) Spotted a very pretty asian on the F bus today. To my dear wife, I got (Okay um Admiral, it’s What has this long hair She was wearing a tight your brother to do this Doctor Tossed Salad leav- been doing in my show- black dress with bird patpage so we can fuck in ing you this meassge. No er for the last month? I terns all over. Her breasts more talking about fucking refuse to touch it, cause were very big in proporhis bed. Taffy in this paper, its get- I haven’t figured out tion to her chest and they (Wait what...) where it came from when extended very much outting old.) everyone who uses it has ward. The neckline of short hair. Like if some- her dress went down far one had a girl in here just enough that you could take the fucking hair out. see a small, but VERY ac(Oh he did, I watched...and ceptable amount of top then I ate some saltwater boob. Her dress went down to her thighs and taffy.) she was wearing knee I hate when it gets cold high boots on so you outside, cause it sucks could see that small slit having to get outta the of skin that is oh so sexy. shower to walk to my Her hair was all nicely room. I almost freeze to gelled and flowy and she Eighth Page (~20 in2) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $45 the floor. had nice glossy makeup Quarter Page (~40 in2) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $75 on. I was getting ALL (Makes your balls look like sorts of Exxxotica vibes Half Page . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$120 a giant prune too. Now Full Page . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$180 that’s something I don’t get. from her. Story Written as Ad . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ask Us If rasins are like dried out (Admiral I’m taking this Webpage Banner . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$30/week grapes, then what the fuck one. Goddamn I love fuckThe Medium is The Entertainment Weekly of Rutgers makes a prune. Like giant ing asians. Do I have the feUniversity. Place an ad in this very popular student-run grapes? I want some salt- ver, fuck yeah I do. So exotic, so cute, and the sexiest orpaper and reach up to 35,000 students throughout the New water taffy.) Brunswick and Piscataway area. 2,000 issues are published To the gross asshole who gasms on this planet. What every Wednesday and are delivered to all four campuses. clogged the shower drain more can you ask for?) This is a great opportunity for your student organization or with his shaved pubes in The Asian boys straight business to get its name out to the public! Brett Hall the other day, fuck off the boat might be the Email interests to business@rutgersmedium.com you! We dont need a shag cutest things sometimes. *In addition to prints, all issues are available on our web- rug in the bathroom and we (Well they are all for me, site: www.rutgersmedium.com don’t need an aquarium in I’ll take three this afternoon Frequent Buyer Discount! there from all your crabs. please.)
ADVERTISE WITH US!
driver. Why am I not surprised that you ended up driving buses for a living? Maybe if you weren’t such a bitch for no reason, you might have ended up doing better things (I had sex on a B bus once. It was just so fucking fabulous. Then afterwards, we went to Moe’s and had some burritos. Yum!!!!!) To the asshole who was blocking my way off the bus at gibbons, dude I’m not gonna push you off the fucking bus, just let me off so the rest of these poor fucks can try and cram themselves into this hell hole. (I perfer glory holes, but hell holes are better and I FUCKING KNOW THIS RESPONSE SUCKS.)
PROFESSOR ASSHOLE To my Monday morning professor, you are a douchebagggggg. It’s bad enough that you come in every week dressed like a wannabe pornstar, but then you treat the class like a bunch of kids with down syndrome, like excuse me that we have never taken a class taught by your prissy ass. It’s 9 in the morning. Get the fuck over yourself. (You know what you need, a nice plum, yeah a nice plum will brighten your day.) Hey you, yeah I’m talking to you cunt nugget! Turn off your fucking phone during recitation! If I have to deal with anymore of you annoying ass premeds trying to half ass your way through chem I will fucking destroy you and drop you out faster than my shits after a night of currito’s (Ugh hate you premeds too.)
THE BACK PAGE
Wednesday, October 23d, 2013
“Ich will dich schmecken”
Fine Arts
Bet you thought that The Medium was too crass for poetry. Think again.
What’s Shakin’
Thursday 9:00pm @College Avenue Homecoming Bed Races! Come out and show your support for your favorite student organizations!
Caption Contest!
“Nothing says ‘that’s a great poem’ like a man with a cat’s tail as a dick or a dude who gets railed in the ass in a stupor... maybe?” You tell us.
Gay Encounter
I rubbed my eyes to get rid of the crust. In this run-down motel there was no one to trust. My rod raised my boxers. I could barely see my toes, after a late night at the bar I must’ve slept with some hoes! Saturday, 9pm @College Ave I wanted to tap the girls but not on the shoulder so I kept the drinks coming, begging to be bolder. Gym Homecoming Comedy Show The morning came and apparently so had I Featuring Daily Show alums for the clear sticky substance was all over my thigh. John Oliver & Wyatt Cenac. Buy I glanced at the coffee table; empty bottles- of sorts tickets in advance. there was a note on my bed and a pair of mens’ shorts. Tuesday 8:00pm, @Livingston While scratching my head, I peered at the paper. Coffeehouse, Signed sincerely Todd, he wrote, “Thanks for the Live Vibes Rutgers Student bands, food, and an ex- favor.” cuse to go to Livingston. What The Boy With the Caramel Tail more could you want? Spiky hair and eyes that could strike a match, Hairless as a new born except this one path. Rubs against ladies and against walls; pees outdoors and never in stalls. Tattoos to lure me in and to turn me out so often he purrs, never does he shout Intriguing and genius, always in tune Observant and gentle, sleeps until noon. His voice so enchanting, his touches so sweet. He nibbles at ears and fondles with feet. His motions so subtle, and slow like a snail. I reached down his pants, a caramel tail!
And the winner of last week’s caption contest is....
“This is why we have ratios at parties”
Fair point.
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Krupa’s Corner
Krupa’s Crush of the Week
My only love interest for the past few weeks has been Pumpkin Spice until I met Apple Cider the other day. I can’t let Pumpkin Spice know that I’m cheating on him. I just can’t help it though. Apple Cider is so damn hot. By hot, I mean delectable and steamy! Pumpkin Spice can be hot too but only when he’s in a latte. But Apple Cider is so soothing, dark, flavorful, and scrumptious. Then again, Pumpkin Spice is so flexible! He will do anything for me! He can be iced! Sprinkled! Baked! He can be creamy, he can be thick, and he can be lukewarm. He can be smothered with whipped cream….! He will go to the ends of the earth to season them just to please me. Apple Cider also cares; he only wants what’s good for me in this cold season! He’s so strong and has a great aftertaste. I know I should stay with Pumpkin Spice but ohhhh damn that Apple Cider! Things are just getting too hot and heavy with Apple Cider. I can’t take it. Maybe I can convince Pumpkin Spice to be in Apple Cider. GAHHH, now I know how all of those guys who cheat on their wives feel. IT IS SO TEMPTING TO WANT SOMETHING YOU SHOULDN’T AND CAN’T HAVE. Oh well. My secret desire to be an English major is thinking in Elizabethan: as Iago from Shakespeare’s Orthello said “That cuckold lives in bliss who, certain of his fate, loves not his wronger” aka Pumpkin Spice should be happy I am cheating on him with Apple Cider because they ain’t BFFs.
POP QUIZ #4
By: Four Loki | Staff Writer
You see a teenage boy buying hairclips. is it because... A) He has a sexy, hairclip-wearing girlfriend B) His mom is a Vegas showgirl C) He is Jewish D) A and B E) A and C F) B and D G) B and C H) A, B, and C -- but not F
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