This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
october 24h, 2012
Volume xliii Issue VII
VOTE NO TO POLITICAL STORIES
STRICT VOTER FRAUD LAWS PREVENT MINORITIES, OBAMA FROM VOTING BY CASTLETON SNOB EDITOR IN CHIEF
WASHINGTON DC—As laws meant to prevent voter fraud rise, a large percentage of minorities, including President Barack Obama, have found themselves unable to vote on November 6th. “I got this letter in the mail that my voting status was being challenged,” said Obama, a 51-year-old Washington D.C. resident. “I couldn’t believe they were messing with black folks again.” For Obama, a father of two, an electoral committee challenged his status after a list of local properties mistakenly identified his house as a vacant lot. “I’ve been living there for four years,” said Obama. “They didn’t even send someone by to check the address.” Thirty-three states have already passed laws meant to curb voter I.D. fraud. Some include requirements for a government issued, photo I.D which are not prevalent among students, the
Inside This Issue 1.......................News 2.......................News 3..................Features 4..........................Arts 5.................Opinions 6................Personals 7................Personals 8...............Back Page 9..............Obituaries
75¢ QUICKIES
Romney Gets All of His Racial Slurs Out Before Debate The governor reportedly spent his prep time yelling things like "jungle bunny," "coon," and "spade" at a mirror so he "wouldn't slip up on TV."
Ellen DeGeneres Still a Lesbian, Sources Say Rutgers Calls in National Guard to play Kent State in Homecoming Game ONE LESS VOTE FOR OBAMA Voter fraud laws exclude students, elderly, and executive leaders.
elderly, and minorities. “Do they really expect me to carry photo I.D.?” asked Obama. “I’m the President of the United States. If I spend an hour down at the DMV then the Middle East is literally going to explode.” Added Obama, “My pic-
ture is hanging in every DMV already.” At press time, the 44th pres"Not to be outdone, Obama ident had been turned away pulled out all the stops by playfrom the Arlington Department ing the flute in a bikini." of Motor Vehicles for being unable to provide his birth certifiHooker with cate.
ADULT EDUCATION
Student taking notes sums up entire basis of professor’s career in two sentences BY KCIG MANAGING EDITOR
HICKMAN 138—In a Thursday lecture, student Emilio Schmid was able to distill a 50 minute lecture about the professor’s body of research into two sentences, which were hastily scrawled over eight lines of college ruled notebook paper. The professor, who Schmid has nicknamed “Professor Moustache”, was lecturing on discoveries he has personally had a hand in researching over a 40 year career at the University. “I found it really challenging to simplify my research into a 50 minute presentation,” said Professor Moustache. “But hopefully I was able to, if only
Romney Impresses Debate Moderator with Fancy Baton Twirling
Sense of Irony Claims Turf on Handy Street
"The area around Seamen Street was getting pretty messy."
very briefly, communicate the Student Carving profound implications of the Words into Liprojects I have been involved in brary Desk Exover the years.” The two-sentence summary presses Political contained 18 words in total, 4 of which were abbreviations. The Views, Love of rest of the page of notebook paper was filled in with song lyrics Penises surrounded by scribbles. Still Dr. Moustache continued, Sophomore “I hope I was able to inspire all Hasn't Erased Oriof you taking my class by showing you the path I took in my life entation Leader's as you grow and discover your Phone Number own goals while in college,” as Schmid simultaneously browsed "I'm not sure yet," said SEBS the internet on his smartphone. Sophomore, Michael Stein. “I can’t believe I didn’t fall "Maybe I'll need it some day." asleep” said Schmid in a text Stein is also still Facebook message to a friend. friends with his Orientation roommate.
Phat like a sandwich ESTABLISHED 1970
the Medium
NEWS
"No more politics. No. None. GO HOME!"
MASCOT TRYOUTS!
KEEP THE MEDIUM IN YOUR HEAD FOLKS...
Girl Who Can’t Read Well Volunteers to Read Out Loud Again BY LIL' BIT PERSONALS EDITOR
COLLEGE AVE—Much to the dismay of her entire 20th Century Literature class, the girl who’s really bad at reading raised her hand to read out loud again Tuesday morning. WISE DOG-BURRITO Despite having what some The Medium needs a new mas- might call a borderline retarded cot. Adore this week's fill-in. command of the English language, sources say that sophoAS YOU CAN SEE, more Meg Crane is not afraid I'M RUNNING to volunteer herself to read out at any given opportunity. OUT OF INTEREST- loud“It’s sad, really,” said ProING FONTS. COME fessor Richard Cunningham. TO RSC ROOM 439 “You don’t like to discourage
WEDNESDAYS AT 6:30 IN THE PM TO HELP ME AND MY FELLOW EDITORS PUT STUFF IN THE PAPER THAT ISN'T A GREY (GRAY?) BOX WITH BEGGING IN IT. THE MEDIUM: A PAPER HOBO
Wednesday, October 24th, 2012
CORRECTIONS The Medium would like to regretfully correct some mistakes published in last week's issue. • A news article stated that the age of the Earth was around 10 million years. Religious leaders inform us that the Earth is only 6,000 years old.
NEWS IN PICTURES
the kids from reading, but at the same time she is just barely literate and indulging her can really hold up the entire class.” “Eventually the dis…pro… portinate…language mention by…wait sorry, how do you say this name? Is it okay if I just skip over it?” Crane asked, effectively throwing off the flow of the entire passage and prompting everyone to forget everything they had just heard. After a humiliating stumble in which Crane tried to enunciate both v’s in the word “savvy” things seemed to be going pretty smoothly until she hit the word disparaging, at which point the • We described resident Arlene Wayne as a "stupid, bitch-face, cunt." We intended to call her a "stupid, bitch-face, cunt, asshole, freak. We apologize for this editing error. • We misquoted Ian Green as saying he would "like to meet Oscar Mayer." Green intended to say "meat" to make a pun. We apologize
class held its breath as she tried to make heads or tails of it. “It’s actually not too bad on the days we’re trying to stall class, since whenever Meg reads it takes around four minutes to get through even a medium sized paragraph,” said classmate Steve Arnold. “It’s just amazing to us that time after time, nothing seems to discourage her. She just keeps coming back for more.” Professor Cunningham reluctantly agreed that Crane should probably just stop putting herself out there, and also maybe think about trying Hooked On Phonics. to Mr. Green and his associates. • The Targum Opinions Page printed a political cartoon last week, mistakenly presenting it as humorous. Even though it is not our publication, we have taken it upon ourselves to correct this oversight.
ATE AND... OH?
Mounted Patrol Officer Gets NCAA Awards Rutgers Free Win For Homecoming Game Off His High Horse BY PROBABLY DRUNK CONTRIBUTING WRITER
YURCAK—In what was a longanticipated move by the NCAA, Rutgers' football team has been credited for a future win against this week's opponent, Kent State. While actually playing the game remains an optional decision, Coach Kyle Flood has decided, "We might as well, because it's good practice, and the drunken tailgating population will need something to do for an hour or so before they leave at halftime." Although Kent State, at 6-1, has a better record than most opponents Rutgers faced this year, NCAA's president has ac-
Editorial Staff Fall 2012
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
Amy DiMaria Kristen Cignavitch Krupa Patel Jordan Gochman
News Editors Stewart Hallman 1 Stewart Hallman 2 Features Editor Phillip Li Opinions Editor Ben Green Arts Editor Danielle Oyales Personals Editors Brianna Provenzano John Eberhardt
knowledged that Kent has "beat up on crappy teams, while Rutgers' wins are all hard-fought games against juggernauts such as UConn and Temple." Nonetheless, Rutgers students are still preparing signs to reinforce their belief in their school's superiority, with gibes such as "Ken't read, Ken't write, Kent State," and even more creative lines like, "Kent State sucks" gracing the surface of many poster boards. The game is expected to commence at noon this Saturday, with Rutgers starters expected to play for at least the first quarter, or until mercy rules take effect.
Back Page Editor "Copy Editor" Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisors
Leif Tornberg Ben-adryl Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch Barbara Reed Ronald Miskoff Club Mascot Wise Burrito-Dog
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to this issue which is dedicated too.
FEATURES
Wednesday, October 24th, 2012
“TIME TO KILL MY WAY OUT OF THIS ONE!”
HOROSCOPES
BY: DUNKMASTER KOALA Aries : Today you will get in Libra:
If you don’t the fight of your life. pray to the North at You will not hold back 2pm, East at 3pm, or you WILL die. Fight South at 4pm, and West at 5pm. with every ounce of Romney will win. your strength and you will survive, stronger than ever.
Taurus
: Grab a bull by the horns. It’ll be good luck if you do that today. This is a metaphor for taking control of your life. Do not literally follow the instruction above.
Gemini
: Today is a beautiful day. You or your significant other( if one of you is female, or male whatever I guess) will give birth to twins! Congratulations!
Cancer:
Today is the day you ask yourself what your favorite type of cancer is. Take the opportunity to get that cancer on your on terms!
Leo:
Scorpio:
If you don’t pray to the West at 2pm, South at 3pm, East at 4pm, and North at 5pm Obama will be victorious.
Sagittarius
: Cheat on your next midterm, no one is going to catch you and you have nothing to worry about. Overcome your apprehension and embrace the evil.
Capricorn:
Pop a cap in that bitch’s ass. She’s been out of line lately and we both know it. I don’t endorse domestic abuse but I do endorse selfdefense.
Buy a cat today. You will not regret it Aquarius : Go and he/she will beswimming today. I come the best friend have a feeling you will you will ever have. Name him/ find something of value to you her Leo. personally if you do. If not, you gave your body a good workVirgo: With great out! grace and beauty, you Pisces : There’s gomust poop in a public ing to be a pie seize. place today. This will please the Hide all of it. Hurry. Go Gods above! now.
PROS AND CONS
Clowns PROS OF CLOWNS • Wear clown wigs • Very colorful • Easy to discern their emotion (happy, sad) • Can create things out of balloons (whimsical) • Only limited by imagination CONS OF CLOWNS • Rates are too high to hire them more often than for special occasions • Cannot trust integrity of gifts they give (squirting flowers, infinitely long handkerchiefs, etc) • Really just a normal person wearing some makeup
the Medium
EROTICA
Presidential Debate: Featuring Barack Obama and Mitt Romney by: Plasma Koala
It was the night before the buckled Obama’s belt. debate and Obama went to “NO!” Obama screamed as scout out the area. He just want- he stopped Mitt. Mitt thought ed to familiarize himself with that he had failed and that he where he would be the next was fucked; Barack would renight, fighting for his political port him and Mitt’s lie would be wellness. completely ruined. Mitt stared He opened the door quietly down with a hopeless sadness. and stepped inside. Suddenly, When he found the will to bright lights in look up, Obama “Obama stood there as the room turned stood there as the on. Right in the the personification of personification of middle of the confidence, fully erect confidence, fully stage, where all and ready to tango” erect and ready to the lights were fotango. Mitt wiped cused, laid Mitt Romney. Wear- off his one tear that was still left ing nothing but an American from before and smiled eagerly. flag and only as a cape, Mitt Seeing this childish impabared it all. “I know you’re un- tience, Obama leapt like a moncomfortable talking to me with key towards Mitt and squeezed all of the tension between us, Mitt’s nose. As Mitt tried to but Mr. President, we don’t breathe, Obama thrusted his have to talk.” whispered Mitt. long, rockhard throbber into Obama stared into Mitt’s Romney’s mouth. eyes and blatantly asked, Minutes later, Mitt’s face “What the fuck is this Mitt? Am was red as a cherry and tears I getting punked?” Mitt looked were streaming down his face, him in the eye, got up in his na- he was not ready for this kind of ked majesty and strolled off the action. “We’re just getting startstage towards Barack. Once he ed, Mr. Governor,” he smirkgot to the president, Mitt got ingly declared. down on his one knee and un
the Medium
OP/ED
“Recent studies show that rearranging the initial letters of Hobby Lobby results in Lobby Hobby.“
FEATURED COMMENTARY
Hey, Remember That Time I Had Cancer? BY LANCE ARMSTRONG
REAL AD REAL AD REAL AD REAL AD REAL AD REAL AD REAL AD REAL AD REAL AD REAL AD REAL AD REAL AD REAL AD REAL AD REAL AD REAL AD REAL AD REAL AD REAL AD
Holy shit, has this been a bad couple of months for me. They found out I led the US Cycling Team in a doping ring, got banned from US Cycling , and got stripped of my seven Tour de France titles. This is the worst time of my life. Oh, wait. No it isn’t. Because in 1996, I found myself getting one of my balls lopped off because it was cancerous. I had testicular cancer, which by that point had spread to my lungs, abdomen and my BRAIN. I had cancer. In my brain. And one of my nuts was removed from my body. And then my doctor said I had a 40% chance of survival. And after that, they had to go into my brain and take TUMORS OUT OF MY BRAIN. The brain I use to think, and breathe, and move. That may be a little worse. How quaint that after millions of people bought my yellow ‘LiveStrong’ wristbands and I was paraded across the front of ‘Newsweek,’ ‘Sports Illustrated,’ and‘Esquire’ that people suddenly have nothing but contempt for me. Let us not forget that before all of this doping nonsense, I almost DIED. Literally. I could have gone the way of Eva Peron and died early because my reproductive parts had
it out for me. I could have gotten up on my balcony and sang ‘Don’t Cry for Me Tour de France’ and I would have been the greatest athlete of all time forever and ever. But now I am some kind of villain. Let’s keep something in mind. This whole ‘cancer’ thing wasn’t twenty years ago. It was eight. Eight years ago. Eight years ago I had two testicles. Seven and a half years ago, one testicle. And you know what? I still fathered a goddamned child after that. Perseverance, thy name is Lefty. (Lefty is what I ironically call the remaining testicle at parties to get a laugh.) Also, on top of all of this, Sheryl Crow broke up with me. I would say she was a ballbuster during the relationship, but that’s just tasteless. So, while all of this was happening, I may have been preparing my body to perform in race after race, which was not as prepared as other athletes because they probably never had to go through Chemotherapy or, not to beat a dead horse about this, have a ball chopped off. I make no qualms about it. I would just prefer that at least one person stop and say “Wait, this guy had a shitty decade. Let’s give him a slight amount of slack.” I would gladly give up my other nut for some sympathy. Or just a chance to bang Sheryl again.
Wednesday, October 24th, 2012
MONEY, POWER, RESPECT
MC Romney’s Next Speech Got Swag BY MC ROMNEY
As my good friend Rihanna says, “I know you’ve been hurt by someone else, I can tell by the way you carry yourself, if you let me here’s what I’ll do, I’ll take care of you.” I want to be the one who takes care of this county. I’m a business man, I’ve been very successful; “My flow, my show brought me the dough, that bought me all my fancy things, my crib, my cars, my pools, my jewels,” as my homie 50 Cent says, and I want the whole nation to be successful: just like me. Jay-Z and I have been working together and we want the country to “Freeze” and “bring me back some money please,” back into the economy. “I got a million ways to get it” working and the final plan would be to, “double your money and make it stack.” This country is in a tough spot economically. Now while most of you have heard of my 5-point plan on fixing the economy, after having a discussion with the Wu Tang Clan, I have decided to amend that plan to center around C.R.E.A.M, “Cash Rules Everything Around Me.” And I want to “get the money, dolla dolla bill y’all” back to the entire middle class. That will be my philosophy as your president. Now President Obama might make you question my plan. However, I have had numerous experts look at my plan and “I’m a tell you what Banks told me cause go ‘head switch the style up’ and if the Democrat’s “hate then let ‘em hate and watch the money pile up.” Don’t let them scare you this will work. I know it will work, and I know I will be the one to lead this country. If you have any doubt, all you have to know is “All I do is win, win, win no matter what. Got money on my mind, I can never get enough.”
Wednesday, October 24th, 2012
ARTS
“I’m so cold. I’m so COLD. I’m so cold.”
LAUNDRY CLAUS
the Medium HELLO THERE. WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN SUBMITTING ART TO THE MEDIUM? YOU LIKE TO DRAW RIGHT? YOU HAVE FUNNY THOUGHTS OR THOUGHTS YOU WISH TO SHARE WITH OTHERS VIA VISUALS? THEN WHY AREN’T YOU SUBMITTING? DO YOU HATE ME? DO YOU HATE FRIENDSHIP? HUMANITY? LOVE? WELL I GUESS SOMEONE DIDN’T TELL YOU THAT YOUR HAIR MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A WIMPY SQUIRE. THEY’RE JUST TOO POLITE.
themedium. arts@gmail. com BUN-CASSO
SISYPHUS
the Medium
PERSONALS
YOU’RE IT
AROUND TOWN
to the boy that draws graffiti in class everyday, with the amount of time that you spend making graffiti masterpieces during class everyday, i really hope that you actually go out and paint that shit. if not you are seriously wasting your time because the amount of erasures on your desk drives everyone else nuts. good luck with the drawings and hopefully i will see some of your artwork tagging local buildings in new brunswick.
Get your fucking shit together RUPD! I don’t want to be recieving emails that happened two days ago...and how about getting a little less vauge than “ a group of males” and “ a four door sedan”
(See below personal. I really hope it’s not the same guy though because his tag looks like he has no motor skills or like maybe had a stroke) To ‘Ness:’ Get your nasty ass graffiti off my damn house. Why in God’s name would you decide to just paint shit on someone’s house, who lives there. Do you live there? No! Because you are a dipshit and dipshit do not live in nice houses, except for Courtney Love. Are you Courtney Love? I think not If you see this asshole tagging anything else in the streets of New Brunswick, tackle them, kick their faces in and spray paint your name onto their genitals.
Wednesday, October 24th 2012
“Somewhere in the world, a man is clubbing a seal while breaking the seal. His name? Seal.”
(They’re too busy dealing with lawsuits from the pedestrians they mow down to get those out in any kind of a timely fashion) dear cape girl, i always wondered what you did when the weather became colder. to my dismay, i saw that you actually have a fleece lined cape, but i wonder if that will keep you warm enough come winter time. sincerely, an intrigued fashion policeman (You know if she has a fleece lined cape that she also has a Scandinavian chinchilla lined cape or something insane for those harsh winter months.) To the cute girl with the blonde ponytail, black northface and the UGGS walking out of the student center Monday: You were on your cellphone, and if you didn’t sound so dumb you’d be hot.
SHIT IS REAL
U-G-L-Y
FROM THE DESK OF LIL BIT
to the ogre sitting behind Another week, another personals me, page. If english lit didn’t make my skin crawl enough And listen, while we’re on the subject, I’ve been meanthat fact that you are ing to talk to you about something. So, it’s not a huge breathing down my neck doesn’t make this hour deal or anything, but I’ve noticed that you’ve gained a and twenty minute class little weight. Not a crazy amount or anything, but more any easier. I know that it is hot in this godforsaken than five pounds. Less than ten though. You don’t look bad but...I just wanted to let you know. As a friend. classroom because of the blasting heat in the 65 degree weather, but serithemedium.personals@gmail.com ously you are sweating like you are in a sauna. Please grab a towel and maybe an oxygen mask SCUMBAGS OOPS RAPE because you really sound like you are struggling. To my other roommate: To the disgusting sack of your sincerely grossed Stop being a bitch and stop shit who preyed on the bullshitting me. I know you student from the North out classmate are not gay, so stop telling Towers: me you like men, especial- I sincerely hope that the (HA! Hot sweaty ogre ly those that dress up like encounter you mentioned breath in ya face, or on your women, and you know who was truly consensual and neck or whatever. If he was I mean in particular. If you not rape, you fucking sitting behind you, could were truly gay, I would see menstrual cramp, beyou feel the sweat?) you hounding me while we cause if it wasn’t, I hope work out together. Don’t the female student files To the Bon Qui Qui you ever lie to me about both criminal and unilooking bitch who was such things or your ass is versity judicial charges feeding yogurt to what grass, and I’m the lawn- against you and your looked like Carmelo An- mower. But if it is true that sleazy worthless frat boy thony, kill yourself. you are indeed gay, well, friends. You deserve to your mouth will go south on end up in hole that is so (She just tryna eat her yo- some guy’s candybar and deep, your mommy and gurt girl, they tryna be hopefully it wont be mine. daddy won’t be able fish about that dairy life.) you no matter how much (Really? Because you cash they throw into your defense, you priviTo the fucking obese sounded so fucking gay in leged soggy sack of shit. couple that went down that personal!! Like not gay Eat smegma and die. I on each other in Alexan- in the rip on your friends, hope you get outted like der Library yesterday.... douchebag way, gay in the Michael Brutsch. do less next time. I near- likes penis way. Tell me ly threw up on the poor more about how his “ass is grass and you’re the lawn- To the young woman that souls around me shit bag was addressmower.) ing: whatever happened, (You know fatties need love Is it wrong that I laughed whether it be consensual too, but it is extremely of- at a chinese woman cry or not, it wasn’t your fensive when couples make in a documentary be- fault; it was theirs. You out anywhere in or around cause she couldn’t afford shouldn’t feel ashamed. They’re disgusting predthe library so I will agree money for food? atory dickwads who dethat that sounds offensive.) pend on alcohol to get (Yep.) laid. They’re the ones Sometimes I feel unatwho should be embartractive but then there’s to the vineyard vines boy rassed and ashamed, not that chick on the LX ev- on the F bus, you. ery Tuesday morning. you’re outfit was perfecThanks to your existence tion and the greenwich (Hey so here’s the deal with I feel more attractive. coordinates lead me to this shit: WIthout you, I might think you might be from 1. we didn’t rape anybody! have had self esteem is- there. I also used to live The Medium does not consues. <3 in greenwich and vaca- done rape, except in the case tion every summer in of a rare stand-up joke and (Ugly chiiiiiickkkkssss on Nantucket. finally some- even in those cases never a the LX busssss...I don’t one around rutgers not Daniel Tosh joke. know what to say. They ex- always reppin’ jersey 2. Rape sucks so if you’re an pride. actual rapist, please don’t ist.) Sincerely, write personals. If you’re To the girl sitting in a fellow new englander just a scum who likes embarrassing your friends on THE DIRT near passion who lives the good life Livi and exaggerating, then puddle, there is literally nothing but GRASS sur- (I have really strong feelings by all means keep submitrounding you, why must about people who are from ting. you sit in the DIRT you Greenwich and those feel- 3. ...but try not to send stuff about rape, it’s messed up.) ings are that I hate them.) filthy Douglass girl.
PERSONALS
Wednesday, October 24th, 2012
“Sugar Ray is the change I want to see in this world”
EVERYDAY I’M TRUFFLIN’
I HATE THIS EDITOR
To the editor of this page. It’s spelled grammar not grammer you retarded baby. So before correcting other people on their shit, WHY DONT YOU EMAIL ME ANYMORE ?!?!?!?! get your own shit togeththemedium.personals@gmail.com er. PS i totally agree with Once again my dreams of doing what I want are the person calling you crushed... Why can’t I take a bottle of Frank’s from out on the Dexter spoiler. What the fuck bro. the dining hall? Task Of The Week = Find a good mixer for Burnett’s (Please refer to the two bolded sentences to the left. K thanks.) HURRR DON’T CURRRR Think you can do a better job than me? Come to our meetings and prove me wrong! Wednesdays 6:30-7:30pm RSC Room 439
To the bitch in my American Government recitation... seriously put your hair in a bun or I’ll fucking cut it off myself. It keeps falling all over my laptop, which is my only means of passing this class besides sucking the TA’s dick, which I’m sure you’ve already done at least once. To the black bitch on the EE, you were rockin a serious fro the other day. Much respect, I even flipped you the dueces, although your face left something to be desired.
To the girl with the maroon highlights I saw friday night at Stuff Yer Face, you were looking pretty hot until your massive thunder thighs nearly knocked me off my seat when you tried to sit down next to your friends. It wouldn’t hurt you to put down that second piece of cake once in a while you beached whale. (Never understood why they call ‘em “Thunder Thighs”. I’ve never heard any set of thighs make a booming clap.)
Why does the right page suck so fucking hard? Hell, even Spicy Caramel was better than you.
To the big ginger motherfucker that edits the right page, I saw you passing out papers the other day and you didn’t give me one when I waved to you for it. I hope this paper goes to fucking hell and the blame be put on you
RIDIN’ ON THE BUS
UMMM....
To the fat fuck on the EE on Friday night, its great that you got to live out your stripper fantasies while raping the bus pole, but that shit was traumatizing, I wanted to gauge my eyes out while endlessly vomiting in hopes of drowning you in my puke. I was trying not to look, but you kept swinging around and got too close for me to not see. You reeked of booze and had the nerve to complain about the bus drivers driving when you almost fell cuz your legs couldn’t hold up your drunk fat fuck body. I hope you stumble off the bus and get hit by a car followed by deer pissing on your face while using your stomach as a trampoline
I may not know about the space program, but I know an African when I see one.
(Why didn’t you start mak(I’m not a ginger though.....) ing it rain with singles?) The right side page editor is so uncreative that I bet he copy and pastes stuff from the internet onto his page.
the Medium
A big fuck you to all the short bitches who keep taking all the poles on the bus and won’t move their fat asses to make for us To the bitch with the pink Why the fuck are black hair walking around people’s heads so nappy? (What you have just said, normal folk. Next time campus, did you dye is the most insanely idiotic I’m just gonna shove y’all (Go ask one.) it for Halloween or thing I have ever heard. Ev- off the fuckin bus Breast Cancer Aware- Why do bitches’ hair get eryone in this room is now To the fat fuck who sat ness Month? Either way so frizzy in the rain? Buzz dumber for having listened behind me on the Weekyou’re fuckin ugly. to it. I award you no points end 2. Save the politicut and proud! and may God have mercy on cal arguments with your (BOOM SHOCKA!) To the Jew in my Calc 2 your soul.) girlfriend at home. Some class, your jewy jew curls To all the fucking please for the love of of us actually are trylook like pubic hair. I CHINKS out there... the god put someone else in ing to get some shut eye mushroom haircut is no swear to Jahovah if one charge of the right page when we ride the bus longer fashionable. Get it of them fuckers lands on besides this douche. its me you’re gonna be sorry (Like I said before the only together people. geting unbearable politics I care about are the The entire right side of ones brought up in the Star NICE PERSONALS POLITICS the page sucks balllllllllls. Wars universe. Vader ‘12.) To the fucking assholes To the girl with the color- (Wait, isn’t that the same To all the actual NB esiwho get their panties in ful braid, your hair is so personal from last week? dents takin up our spots a bunch over the debates: gorgeous! No... this one was had on the spots, get your own means of transporget a girlfriend. Get laid. To my geo. professor, “balls” spelt correctly.) tation ya freeloaders. It This is literally an insig- thanks for all the extra Fuck these haters. I think wouldn’t hurt to shower nificant dog and pony points and being just a show which will likely generally cool dude in you’re doin fine job right too. page editor! have no direct bearing general. (You know they’re never go(You go Glen Coco!) on your lives after four ing to see this right?) months go by and you (You should ask him out.) regress back into your LET’S TRY THIS AGAIN... TWEETS! apathetic political state Hey butterfinger capwhere you don’t care pucino, you’re so fucking (Submit and/tweet me tweets and you too can end up like about anything more delicious I can’t even tell these fine people! #MakeItWork) than the score of the god you. You’re like a warm Last Week was #Nation- “You’re not drunk if you damn Philadelphia Ea- candy bar that’s been alAssDay. *Golf Clap* can lay on the floor withgles game and the shape melted down for my per- Thinking of you Grand- out holding on” and size of the shit you sonal enjoyment. I love ma Gilmore. #Shooter - Joe Louis. #letsgetweird you more than any perjust took. son who has or will enter (Nice perverted tweet Quoting Zapp Branningan after sex #IveMatmy life. Never leave me. BABAYYY! #PistolFingers To the fucking indian kid #Thumb- edWithAWoman #Inforwho bashed W. at the end Special shoutout to my #PelvicThrust mTheMen #Futurama sToTheChest #Shooter) of our President’s lecture. boy Frank’s hot sauce for I hope you fucking die. always spicing up my Eating like I’m in EthioGeorge Herbert-Walker meal (pun intended). I Got my new license and pia this week #HallowI’m officially an organ Bush is A SAINT!!!!! put that shit on everythin donor! #McLovin een #GoodCostumeToo
(Congratulations, you have eyesight. Welcome to the human race.) Hey Rutgers, step your game up against spamming! I got an email the other day asking me how my boobs are, and I’m a dude.... (Well, how are your boobs feeling? My boobs hurt by the way.) Go any advice on how to stay focused when doing a job insead of slackin off on the internet? (What makes you think I’m not doing that now? To the girl that almost got toasted by that construction vehicle on Monday, what were you thinking? Do you have eyes? You should’ve been able to clearly see that there was an obvious blind spot for the driver. Keep your eyes open. Show me your fire, show me your heart. You know I’ll never let you fall apart if you keep your eyyyyeeees open my love. Seriously, big truck, can’t see it? Is it wrong to pregame to Taylor Swift? (Absolutely not. T-Swift’s 100% pregame material.) To the bitch who sat in front of me in Scott Hall today...why did you find it necessary to instagram yourself for the entire class period? (Should’ve shown her your massive ‘ceps bro. Perfect gram pic right there.) To the dude who writes for The Rutgers Review who hung out in the production room last weekend; you were actually kind of chill. Didn’t think any of your people were socially accepted cuz you guys only come out of your holes once a month to print a new issue. Can someone please explain to me why black guys feel the need to tatoo their whole arm? (What’s the deal with tatoo’s in general? They just look shitty on you after like 10 yrs.)
THE BACK PAGE
Wednesday, October 24th, 2012
“Not all babies are cute”
The Amazing Adventures of Al Gore
My Roomate Sleeping
Mr. Gore wants to be left alone this week.
BY RANDOM PEOPLE AND THEIR ROOMMATES | WHYAMYWHY?
What’s Shakin’? Tonight at 6:30PM Medium Meeting @ CAC Student Center Room 439 We are expecting you. Wednesday at 12:00 PM Federal Job Search for Graduate Students @ Busch Campus Center After all those years smoking weed, you can bust other kids for smoking! Wednesday at 7:00 PM Sourlands: a documentary film @ Canterbury House The ground tastes weird. Thursday at 11:00 AM Health Center Pharmacy Information Table @ Douglass Campus Center Because people are actually gonna go to this
Useless Reviews of the Week BY LIL BIT | Correspondent
THESE DOODLES IN MY NOTEBOOK
I drew these in my Media Ethics class the other day. I’m not really that good of an artist, but I found them again today and I stared at them for a long time. Mostly because I have a midterm this week in that class and the doodles were right where my notes should be. So just to be clarify, no notes and one poorly drawn doodle. I didn’t freak out though because there’s a little guy in a parachute on the page and how can you really freak out when you’re looking at that. Although I do enjoy the drawings, I still don’t know what I’m going to do-odle about studying for that midterm!! ... 3 stars for these little dudes and 3 stars for me on my midterm if 3 stars are the academic equivalent of a D.
Scram!
Brain Teasers
WOW. I actually got more than one picture this week! Great job guys! I’m so proud of you!
BY BROSEPH STALIN | Correspondent
Here’s something that might actually stimulate your mind! 1) A farmer has 3 chickens, 4 bags of feed, and a wolf. He is trying to get them all across a river in his tiny boat, which can only hold two things at a time. If he leaves a chicken with a wolf, the wolf will eat the chicken, and if he leaves the feed with the chicken, the feed will eat the chicken. When will the farmer realize he should’ve just bought a bigger boat? 2) You have 3 apples, 5 oranges, and a duck. You have a basket that you can use to carry only a certain number of these things, and you need to get them all home. How do you explain the house you burned down? 3) A 150-ton train is traveling from Chicago to New York at 70 Km/h. 3 hours into the trip, there is a catastrophic mechanism failure and the train begins accelerating at 5 m/s and cannot be stopped. At the same time, the conductor of another train heading in the opposite direction recently found out that his wife was cheating on him with her previously gay friend, Ricardo. He is drunk, delirious, and traveling at 97 Km/h. He also is skipping one of every three stops and the dashboard is wet with tears. Assuming the wheels of the trains have a friction coefficient of .3, and that the trains slow down every time they accidentally run over a hobo, how long will it take for the police to realize that the conductor buried his wife under a Chuck E. Cheese?
Paper Doll
BY POKEMON LEAF GREEN | Backpage editor
Turn this ham sandwich into a ham manwich!