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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
Volume xli Issue viii
50¢
October 27th, 2010
MIS-MATCH UP
QUICKIES
Girl with bloodstained pants not "God damnit if New York doesn't win the World Series," mutters Selig actually wearing a BY MUNGO BUNGO costume CONTRIBUTING WRITER
GIANTS TO FACE RANGERS IN WORLD SERIES ARLINGTON, TX—In an unprecedented turn of events, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig has decided to replace the San Francisco Giants and Texas Rangers with the New York Giants and New York Rangers in the upcoming World Series. By including the New York market in the Championship series, the MLB plans to increase its popularity by focusing on “the only area that still cares about baseball.” Sources say that the decision was made quickly and was allegedly determined right after Selig was repeatedly taunted by fellow baseball officials. "They said I wouldn't do it. They said I had no balls. I felt it my duty to prove those assholes wrong," commented Selig, who is both proud of and thrilled with his choice. Both the NY Giants and NY Rangers expressed excitement when informed they would be
"Well, I was feeling like a monster yesterday," said sophomore Kelly Pierce. "Tee hee!"
TOP OF THE EIGHTH QUARTER ...thing is, the ball hasn't been pitched yet.
playing for the World Series title. Each organization promises a hard fought and exhilarating championship series. Since neither side has any experience in professional baseball, the teams appear to be evenly matched. Eli Manning will make his career start as pitcher in Game One, where he will make every effort to avoid hitting every single batter he faces. He will face Swedish Rangers goaltender Henrik Lundqvist, who, after re-
cently discovering the concept of baseball, cannot wait for the series to begin. The athletes are not the only people pumped for this year's baseball championship. Since both the Philadelphia Phillies and the New York Yankees failed to make it to the World Series, the news has been received surprisingly warmly around campus. "As a long time baseball fan, I find this match up incredcontinued, “WORLD SERIES” page 2
COMFORTABLY DUMB
Gov. adds pot regulations after seeing Pink Floyd's 'The Wall'
BY DAN "OMAN" CHOG JR. AND LI'L BIT STAFF WRITERS
TRENTON—Governor Christie came clean on Friday after Point Pleasant residents reported marijuana smoke coming from a beach house the Governor owned. The controversy has angered protesters due to the recent furore surrounding the lowering of THC levels in medical marijuana. His “experimentation for the benefit of the public” allowed him to see that marijuana plants with high THC levels may be less than beneficial for the public’s welfare. “Holy shit, I got high,” said Governor Christie in a press conference Friday. “Holy shit. I almost started tripping balls. No one should ever be allowed to do that, ever!”
Kid dressed up as NBPD cop actually an undercover cop dressed up as a cop disguising himself as a kid dressed as an undercover cop Which means underage drinking is OKAY!
Sexual Assault Awareness walk to be held this Saturday Lord knows it'll probably be happening," said Director of Public Health Mary Ann Caplinger, "...but you might be too drunk to be aware!"
Hipster serial killer wears Jason Voorhees mask just to be ironic "It was either that or go as Steve Zissou..."
Skeleton embarrassed by blatantly obvious boner
LEADIN' HIGH
Christie would not comment on whether or not tax payer dollars paid for his "prime shit."
Christie is, reportedly, using this experience as the baseline for how patients prescribed medical marijuana experience the drug. Potential patients under the Compassionate Care Program claim that reducing THC levels does not put the best
interest of patients first. “You don’t understand,” said the Governor. “Have you ever seen ‘The Wall?’ I mean, really seen it? It’s a mindfuck, man. Like, I dunno man.” An associate of Christie’s, who asked to be referred to as
Fuck Tricks, Get Treats ESTABLISHED 1970
"Oh he's hard all right," said fellow skeleton Fineas Wakefield, after a recent party. "All that grinding he was doing, I knew he was gonna pop a boner sooner or later."
Students dressed as Antoine Dodson cause false alarm "No one was actually raping everybody out here. You did not need to hide your kids or wife. You are so dumb. You are really dumb. For real."
THE MEDIUM
BOO(bies) "I want you to be my party mentor!"
BRASS IS ASS
Marching band replaced with metal band BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
LIVINGSTON—The University Marching Band has undergone a complete re-tooling for the rest of the season, changing from a traditional ensemble into a death metal band of basses, double guitars, and drums. Some fans of the Marching Scarlet Knights have reacted with anger and shock. But for others, it’s about time. “I remember when I played, it was mostly the marching band entertaining the crowd,” explained Athletic Director Tim Pernetti, “but as the years went by, more and more people got excited by the hard rock we played over the PA system, so I figured, why not take the final step?” The band's current staff has been dismissed and replaced with Highland Park band Scarlet Decapitators who, according to Pernetti, “kicked ass at that dive right off Route 9.” Changes have also been made to the song catalogue. They will use "Bodies” by Drowning Pool as the fight song and Faster Pussycat’s “House of Pain” as the alma mater instead of "...Old Raritan,” a decision that has been lauded by Douglass folks as being more gender neutral. The new metal band will play its first game tonight at USF. In addition to the football games, they have high hopes of entering contests at basement shows all across the state. With the arrival of the basketball season the band will be drastically smaller, although they would compensate by using quadruple guitars and turning their amps up to 12. Despite the fact that they have yet to play at a single game, the band already have major supporters within the University community. They have provided financial help by sending scouts across the country in order to form “the most ass-kicking bass section on this side of the fuckin’ Mississippi,” as well as attempting to form a talent pipeline in Scandinavia.
Editorial Staff Fall 2010
F
Wednesday, October 27th, 2010
ZOINKS!
SCOOBY DOO GANG HEADS TO LOCAL BAR TO INVESTIGATE SPIRITS Says Velma,"Jinkies, I saw the Bloody Mary!"
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES STAFF WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK—Surrounded in a dark place by creepy characters and feeling disoriented? Don't tip the bartender, tip off Scooby Doo! The famous pooch and his crime fighting team will be working their groovy mystery magic this Friday at Harvest Moon in Downtown New Brunswick. Mystery Inc., as the team is called, will be investigating reports of copious spirits to be present at the bar in anticipation of this weekend's Halloween festivities. Owner Nate McClafferty believes Mystery Inc.'s visit is in good timing. "You better believe we'll have spirits," McClafferty boasted. "You want proof?" We got 80 proof Grey Goose making the sickest Bloody Mary's in town!" Many patrons who prefer not to come in direct contact with spirits have also spoken of the occasional cold draft—
HIGH GOVERNOR ...continued on page 2 Dr. Gonzo, was able to describe what happened to the Governor over the weekend. “We watched that Pink Floyd Film. First he just stared at the screen for forty minutes. The moment the flowers started eating each other, he just started screaming. Then he was crying, and then he ate a tub of ice cream, although he eats one of those every weekend.” Christie has also announced plans for a ‘Strategic Snack Reserves’ fund in an effort to ensure that New Jersey’s supply of munchies will never run low. In order to fund the project, plans are underway to make budget cuts from over-funded programs, such as school districts and public libraries. The ‘Snack Reserves’ fund is in line with Christie’s new slogan, “Three cars in every driveway and a bag Meet the Medium in full color! Meeting tonight at 8 pm, room 410 in the Rutgers Student Center
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Reven MacQueen John Bender Joey Threlfall Tim Swanson
Apparently spirits didn't mix too well with all those Scooby Snacks which McClafferty notes are which has been dubbed as "kaimported from various brewer- raoke." While McClafferty appreies across Europe. ciated the publicity generated Some witnesses have profrom Scooby Doo's impending vided Mystery Inc with accounts visit, he laments that it will of people at Harvest Moon beundoubtedly result in the precoming overcome with spirits, mature unveiling of the secret inciting them to do things they band set to play this Friday wouldn't normally do. Reports night. indicate a fair number of these "I would have kept it a seindividuals subsequently en- cret too, if it weren't for those gage in a ritual of blood-cur- meddling kids" sighed McClafdling moaning and shrieking, ferty.
POLIT-ICKS
Mayor Daley Rises From Grave to Rig Chicago Elections BY THAT OTHER GUY STAFF WRITER
CHICAGO—Last week former Mayor Richard J. Daley rose from the grave to announce his support of Democratic candidate Rahm Emanuel in the 2011 election for mayor of Chicago. Daley’s “involvement" in the 1960 election helped secure Kennedy the position of president with use of the political machine. The political machine is still alive and well and with a little greasing of the cogs, they
can continue the democratic trend in Chicago. Like zombie Daley, many formerly deceased residents of the Chicago area plan to vote in the upcoming election and cast their ballot. They also plan to capture the population of pets and people who have moved out of the area “We need all the people we can get, living or not!” The official election takes place on February 11th, 2011, and for those that choose to vote in opposition of Emanuel, zombie Daley states, “You can suck on it.”
WORLD SERIES MATCH UP ibly intriguing," said SAS sophomore Scott Siegel. "This may go down as the best World Series ever." Leaders of the San Francisco Giants refused to comment News Editors Kaitie Davis Jordan Gochman Features Editor Katie Russian Opinions Editor Erinn Koerner Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editor Carmella Luczak
...continued from page one
on what is bound to be the most disappointing occurrence in their lives. In a side note, the San Francisco Giants are scheduled to face the Pittsburgh Steelers. Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Photo Manager Webmaster Faculty Advisor
Kenneth Brooks Amy DiMaria Jack Knight Abe Stanway Abe Stanway Barbara Reed
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the guy who saved me from getting hit by a bike on Easton. Not because of the whole bike thing, but because, just before, he recognized me from The Medium.
Wednesday, October 27th, 2010
THE MEDIUM
FEATURES “NIBLEEETTTT!!!!!”
“Trick or Cheat”
Last week I revealed that I had my own “Deep Throat” within Rutgers. Now, I don’t want to steal any thunder from Woodward and Bernstein so I’ll rename this person for the sake of originality. Let’s call this mysterious informant “Pearl Diver.”
Medium Word of the Week Symbie: Slang for a symbiotic human: one who cannot
go more than one measely day in their pathetic existence without being attached to another person (boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.)
I was only able to speak to Pearl Diver again one time this week, but I was told that some of the dirt I had found out about Rutgers was just scratching the surface. Apparently, the government-funded money I had reported as “sitting around” and “accumulating interest” actually does just that while it should be getting used for overdue, employee pay raises. President McCormick may have other tricks up his sleeve to cheat Rutgers employees and the government, but for now I’m working on establishing hard evidence for this shocking claim. If this is true, should Rutgers prepare for some type of employee revolution?
#1 – President McCormick is
actually at war with the employees and is trying to pass a Constitutional bill giving him full ownership and enslavement of all Rutgers staff.
#2 – President McCormick likes
to play jokes on his employees but has taken this one way too far (like the time your roommate put Nair in your shampoo).
#3 – Pearl Diver is President Mc-
Cormick and we have coffee on Tuesday mornings together at Au Bon Pain.
#4 – Pearl Diver and the In-
Shane-iak are full of shit. There is no number four and there are no hidden controversies at Rutgers. Every dime I provide this school is well-spent and used for the betterment of my education. (If you pick this, consider yourself a tool-bag). Send your votes to: GoingInshane@gmail.com
For now I can only speculate as to what Pearl Diver means. I’ve compiled a list of possibilities and I’d like to leave it up to YOU, the reader, to provide feedback on this issue. Please vote.
Stay on the alert and have a good Halloween! And remember not to mix your liquor…I mean vodka, no! I mean candy!
If there’s one thing I fucking hate more than anything else, it’s being told what to do. As a kid I loathed the D.A.R.E program, and couldn’t stand adults constantly repeating: “drugs are bad!” I’ll find that out for myself, asshole! The opportunity came when I started High School. My childhood friend, let’s call her Marissa, invited a large group of girls to take whatever drugs her boyfriend-of-the-month who happened to be a 20-year-old high school senior that looked like Jack Black - could provide for us, and then sleep over. Some of my friends were content with just smoking weed. In attempt to be ‘badass’ I opted to try something harder - LSA, a hallucinogen in the form of Morning Glory seeds. I really had no idea what the hell this stuff was, how much I was about to consume, or what it would do to me. All I knew was I was rebelling against all those obnoxious health teachers who told me not to do drugs, and that seemed like enough of a reason to take a trip.
“Eeeeat them,” Marissa cooed in my ear creepily as I swallowed the steely seeds. It was only after I had consumed the entire bag that she informed me: “Haha! You just ate enough Morning Glory to fuck up a 350 pound man!” Well gee, thanks for telling me that now, bitch! Being a 5 foot tall girl, the dosage was slightly overboard. The effects didn’t hit me until after we smoked outside. Suddenly the streetlights began to look brighter than usual. Shortly afterwards, my father’s angry face began to appear in every bush, every tree, every house. “I know what you just did,” the mirages yelled, “you’re dead.” And then came the emotional rollercoaster. I laughed, cried and questioned the meaning of my existence for days. The effects lasted about a week. I failed several tests, slept through a bunch of softball practices - it was miserable. The moral of the story, kids, is that if you’re feeling rebellious and want to try out some new drug, don’t waste your time with LSA. Go find something worthwhile, like Ecstasy or Oxycontin.
Submit to features@themediumonline.com
THE MEDIUM
OP/ED
Wednesday, October 27th 2010
“LOVE Washington Rock”
Mid-Term Torture BY: ApostroSHE STAFF WRITER
Many of the students at Rutgers have begun (or in my case, just finished) the two-week stretch known as “exam hell”. All the lectures skipped, books skimmed, and assignments neglected
clear as to the amount of information required to properly answer the question. A student may have felt that he or she had answered the question, but the professor was looking for three examples, not two. Despite the ease of making this mistake, most essay
The Answer Key is Scratch and Sniff
Place nose through answer key and breath deeply. Repeat until you ascertain life’s meaning
come back to haunt the average student. Midterms, traumatic despite the format, are administered in one of two ways: The Paper, and the Exam. Papers have an inherent amount of gray area. Most professors will provide their students with an over-view of the requirements. Yet even these sometimes do not allow the student complete fairness in the grading system. While a student working on a ten page paper may take the time to do the research and reach the page limit, another student may use many of the ‘paperlengthening devices’ (Moving the margins, increasing the font, putting large headers and footers, and even increasing the spacing between the individual letters themselves). Both students would start at the same level before the professor began to grade the paper. If Professors gave the length for papers by word count there would be less ability of the students to cheat. The Mid Terms that are given in ‘exam’ format are not without their problems as well. The exams that are given in Essay format can be un-
exams will allow the student to receive partial credit for an answer, unlike the multiple choice exam. Many people feel that these tests are easiest because there is always a chance you will answer the question correctly. However I feel that when professors create tricks within the possible answers. For example: Which is the definition of the term ‘tricky’. (a) skilled in cleaver tricks or dodges (b) a term used to describe a man who has been with a prostitute before (c) a person who is able to fool another (d) none of the above? While Mid Terms are a necessary way to display and measure the amount of knowledge gleaned in a class, they should be used for that and that alone. Professors should not use the students’ GPAs to support their own egos by creating questions that don’t reflect the actual knowledge of the students. Mid-terms should also be fixed to ensure that students who put the work in are not put at a disadvantage by being graded on equal terms with students who try to manipulate their papers to do less work.
Tits or
Treats Halloween; the only holiday of the year where you can dress up like a cop and not get arrested, is upon us once again! I’m sure this holiday once had some kind of spiritual/religious/superstitious meaning, but who the hell cares? We’re all just in this for the tits or candy. Girls, it takes very little for you to rock a costume, and I mean that in the most literal sense. In fact, the best costume is that of a nudist. True story. We men, on the other hand, usually have to browse meticulously through Wal-Mart, Party City, Target, and other shops, decide on an actual costume, revisit those stores in order to comparison shop, find a cheaper version of that costume online but then find that it won’t arrive for another
two weeks, and then decide to screw the costume and go out as a Chippendales dancer. So, when you see a bunch of guys at a party without shirts on, just know how much time and stress went into deciding to be an erotic dancer. I, on the other hand, decided ahead of time to be a Catholic priest. I will be personally accepting every single confession from Rutgers women behind the SAC on Friday around 11:30pm. If I’m not there, it’s probably because I ran away from some Rutgers cops after they wanted to tell me their sins. Some of the shit they do, crazy. I may or may not have been sleep-deprived when I wrote this. That’s all for now, Das Flug
Trick or Treat?
Cute Things Lower, Right Center Area Super Cute Costumed Squirrel Award
Submitted By: Johnny Challenger In a last minute submission he ousted The What’s Shakin’ Editor, the reigning champion
Vote Republican, Let us Clean up Our Own Mess
By: Ronald Buckley-Friedman STAFF WRITER Good times are back in DC. Obama’s socio-fascist agenda went down in flames. And the tea party helped regain power from those snobby elite Democrats and made people like me, your typical Blair Academy Graduate and the GOP relevant again! Huzzah! Now, people are saying that nothings over until it’s over. They are idiots! Still, here’s the best reason you should vote Republican: we want to fix the problems we began, because those bums haven’t fixed them yet. With the economy, we made mistakes. But I don’t see Democrats solving this massive problem in two years. We have the solution, tax cuts for the rich. Also, firing some lazy public employees would get companies hiring again. And another TARP won’t happen on our watch, even though it saved us. We will allow failure, regardless of job loss, and if I receive any bonus money through family connections, I’ll hide it all the better. Overseas, we have two wars started by idiot Republicans. But two years later, Obambi is still fighting. We have a strategy for victory- get rid of that damn mosque on Ground Zero. Once that unholy site on holy grounds is removed, we’ll be safer, no matter what happens in the East. And climate change, our policies resulted in destruction worldwide, I admit. But lessons were learned. While the cap and trade evilness is pushed, there’s a simpler solution: turning up the A/C. I hate government. It was because of the approved tyranny of the SATs that I am in this public school hellhole, instead of my rightful place- Princeton! These much needed reforms may not sound like much, but think about it: if we’re elected, that faggy San Francisco bitch Nancy Pelosi will no longer ruin America. OPINIONS @THEMEDIUMONLINE.COM
THE MEDIUM
ARTS
Wednesday, October 27th, 2010
“Good luck to everyone taking the Orgo exam”
SPOOKY APPLIANCES
My roommates
hal edilowe tio en n
and i made our appliances
by Moushie
dress up for halloween.
The Fashion/Style Section of The Medium
HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
Ladies
Enjoy!
Hot oven dressed up as a Sexy Devil
Asian rice cooker dressed as Sailor Moon
Halloween is the day that you can be anything you want to be and have fun pretending. This year, instead of dressing up as something “slutty,” something that describes you every day, why not go as something “interesting”? You are not normally interesting in your every day life, in fact, you are not very smart either. Just as you might be a “slutty bee” or a “slutty little red riding hood,” you can just as easilly be an “interesting police woman” or a “smart nurse”. Actually, go for “smart doctor” instead. You go, girl!
Guys
A pretty, independent, smart doctor costume.
As a college-aged male, chances are that you will be one of the three following things... 1) character from a comedy movie released this year 2) character from an action movie released this year 3) someone from Jersey Shore Maybe you’re choosing these because you think some chick’s going to be like “Wow! I thought Kick Ass was such a cool movie, oh my god, it’s so funny that you’re dressed up as that guy.” Or you’ll meet a Snooki while you’re dressed up as The Situation, and get into a whole thing where you’re quoting the show, then you can like segue into something else, and then totally nail her later. But, if you dress as anything else, think of how many girls will be like “I’ve seen so many Scott Pilgrims and Iron Men, it’s so cool that you’re something else, you must be like, really, like, Something that is not creative and smart.” You are really creative and smart. Go for it!
Hot-shot toaster dressed up as The Situation
one of those things
CONCERT REVIEW Hot-Headed Microwave
Review of the Guy Sitting Next to Me at a Concert
dressed as a
BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER
Vampire
Running Refrigerator dressed up as a
Storm Trooper
GRAFFITI
Location: Busch-College Ave Walking Path
Sunday’s Muse concert was AMAZING. But I am not reviewing that. Instead I am completing a review that exclusively focuses on the guy who was sitting in the seat next to me and his ability to be an active concert-goer. This man started the show with the same amount of exuberance as anyone can in the nosebleed section of the Prudential
Center. He clapped with as much intensity as I when the British Alt-Rock trio took the stage. From there, it was a steady downhill progression of terrible decisions. His first big flop was his decision to look over at me multiple upon multiple times, as though he was reassuring himself that I was enjoying the concert. His lack of confidence in his audience performance skills is a huge black mark on his night. As the show progressed, I had noticed he had brought earplugs to the venue and was wearing them despite being two rows
HALLOWEEN COMICS
away from the FURTHEST POSSIBLE POINT from the speakers. That wussitude alone almost caused me to vomit in the seat, which brings me to the final point. He fucking sneezed at me. Not on me, AT me. There was almost infinite directions that sneeze could have been projected but he decided that my geographical location was the prime release point of his nasal blast. Overall, he was one of the worst people to sit near ever.
He gets 1 unnecessary earplug out of 5.
THE MEDIUM TOO STOOPID Dear Handlebar Warrior, We don’t understand why you would ever shave it off... please grow it back now. And tell The Troublemaker to watch his back!! Sincerely, The Best People Ever (In God’s master plan, are you really the BEST people ever? A bit conceited, don’t you think?) To the fucking guido that lives in stonier just to let you know asking a girl to come clean your room and do laundry is not a good pickup line. Maybe you should come up with something better if you ever want some ass (maybe you should learn some punctuation and capitalization rules if you ever want to graduate college) To my Penis, If you get any bigger, I’m going to have to buy bigger pants. Love always, Guy (When will you guys learn that Dr. K is not here to be amused by the size of your dick. It only makes me think it is much, much smaller than average.) Dear Sig Ep, You are the biggest douches on campus. noone else but you guys think youre cool. Have fun working at Wawa for the rest of your lives with the 4 brain cells you’ll have left (Well, at least that’s 4 times as many brain cells as you.) To the meatheads who are always in front of me at the cook to order line: It’s been two months and you still haven’t realized that they won’t give you the food unless you have a fucking tray? Fucking morons. To the Bros with the Bro shirts... you guys are bad ass, i wanna be part of your frat. (You should just stop. Like, really. Stop.) to the tall, super sexy abercrombie model-esque hunk who is always at neilson dining hall, i want you to show me ALL of your piercings ;P (Calm down. Don’t bust a cunt nut.)
PERSONALS
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
“Because they’re not built right. In the head anyway. Does this make sense. No. Well ... Oh.” A PLACE TO REST YOUR HEAD To the bitch downstairs, stop dressing up sexy for class, HE IS NOT GOING TO NOTICE YOU UNDER 3 POUNDS OF HAIR PRODUCTS from, Everyone you annoy by talking about it EVERY DAMN DAY (Calm your ass down. There’s this thing called earphones. When you don’t want to hear people talk, just pop them in and tune thier asses out.) To my apt neighbors at easton ave aprts... please stop fuckin havin orgys at 6 in the morning on random sundays and having ur bitch scream “slap my pusc” loud enough for all of us to hear!!! (Damn, that’s some freaky shittt. Get itt man. And you, stop being a perv and listening to him slap that pusc.) To my neighbors: stop smoking weed at home! You’re making my apartment smell like shit every other night. (Contact high. Oh yeah.) To the girl that my roommate is fucking. I know you’re a fucking theif. The next time I come back to my room and find some of my shit missing, I’m replacing your birth control pills with placebos. And why the fuck are your birth control pills in our bathroom. You don’t live here bitch. Roll the fuck out. (I don’t know what to think of this. I feel bad for you because I’d be mad at that chick too. I feel bad for her because you’re going to ruin her life. Can’t we all just get along.) Hey smokers. Get away from my fucking window. The sign says 25 feet away. You are clearly right beneath my window which is 2 feet away. Why are you stupid??? (I sympathize with you. I get sick of it, especially when they have the nerve to smoke weed.) Hey cleaning lady sttop walking in on me in the morning. I know I look good but damn
Don’t you hate when (s)he does XYZ? So do we. PERSONALS@THEMEDIUMONLINE.COM
Rules for Life
CLASS-SICK Dear substitute for Chinese, You are a terrible sub for this class. When you called on me, I shamelessly put no effort into answering. Your English is so bad you shouldn’t be allowed to teach. Also, I am pretty sure that you are Japanese! GTFO of my *CHINESE* class. Lol. (Close enough. You have to make do with what is available when you’re in a budget crisis.) To that girl who won’t shut up in my class: Please, just stop talking. Every time you open your mouth, half the class sighs and the other half covers their faces with their hands. I personally die on the inside. None of the questions you ask are even close to relevant & if they are legitimate (rare) you ask them so frequently that I’m tempted to scream the answer back at you. Not to mention the fact that you take about 5 minutes to form a sentence. So please, do all of us (and yourself) a favor AND SHUT THE FUCK UP. To the fucker in my intermediate micro class who asks so many fucking questions: Please shut the fuck up. We all know you did not learn anything in calc 1. When the professor asks if everyone understands the (easy) material and you are the only one who responds yes and the professor smiles, it means you officially are a dumbass and she was able to even teach the stupidest of the stupidest. (So, am I correct to understand that there is this girl who you want to shut up? The way you people talk, I don’t think that anyone is going to be able to talk sooner or later.) to my TA teaching us about fungi thanks for this lil gem “im sure you see lots of mushrooms going around in the rain. thats fungus” (What does mean?)
that
even
To the guy in my class that asks pointless questions every two minutes. Shut up. Everyone wants to kill you.
1. When Life Gives You Apples, Don’t Make Appleade. That Isn’t A Thing 2. Donate To The Poor 3. Never Prep Chocolate Cake In A Gas Station Bathroom. 4. Send Personals To The Medium Everyday!!!
personals@themediumonline.com
and the brand new www.ilovethepersonals.com NICE PEOPLE? AT RUTGERS?
DEEP. PROFOUND.
I was on the EE last Wednesday at like 4:00 with a big, red, laundry bag. You and I exchanged a few glances and i think you’re really pretty and i liked the skirt you were wearing. I told myself that if I see you again, I’d go talk to you. So, just a heads up. I hope you don’t mind.
I live a life that is insane, yet sane. I live a life that is filled with pleasure, but filled with pain. I live a life of thirst, but I am fully hydrated. I live a life of love but I am consistently feeling hatred. My life is but one large contradiction. I am dead on the inside for I do not derive pleasure from those activities of the common man. I am alive for only the reason that I have a heart and a brain. Without either, my existence in this world would be non-existent. My movements would be still, and my vision would be blind. I do not wish to consider the possibility of terminating my life because I play a part in our world. My life provides something that keeps our world in balance, but I cannot help but wonder if I am actually causing an imbalance. The truth is, I will never know as no one would ever be able to know. The only way to see the outcome is to live the life, and hopefully in the end, things will seem less like a contradiction, and life will seem as it should be - a life.
(Awww. That’s so cute. I hope you two find each other again.) To all of the lovely people on the bus who see me standing with my walker cast on and ask if I’d like their seats: I have been at this school for 3 years and this has never happened. Thanks to all of you for being decent human beings, because there aren’t a lot of those that go to this school. (I’m glad that you were able to restore your faith in humanity.) Dear Boys of 48, We’ve got our eye on you... Love, Your Secret Admirers To the guy in my class with the piece of tissue jammed in his nostril; You’re dead sexy...
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The day my Network & Internet assignment is due
PERSONALS “Scruffy believes in this publication.”
CLASSES
WTF MAN?
BITCHES & HOES
RANTS N’ RAVES
To the twat in my Ethics class. The Features editor wants to murder you slowly. You ask the most brain-dead questions and then you have the nerve to act like you know what you are talking about. Who the fuck are you? Also to Richard McCormick, thanks for lowering the standards to allow people like this in the school. To my bio lab partners; Thank you for making lab bearable. I can’t wait to wet mount with you guys again. Love, Muscles. To the white kid, Indian kid, and Asian kid in my War, Peace and The Military class; SHUT THE FUCK UP. I don’t want to hear about your 1.2 terabyte porn collection, or any of the little fucking snide remarks you have which drown out lecture. And from what I hear, which is every fucking word you say, you suck at Starcraft II. Say one more word and I’ll jump the seat and beat the shit out of you. To my Orgo prof, Nice “Americans are fat” joke. Not only do you look like Santa but the same fat Americans have been repeatedly ass pounding your beloved Deutschland over the past 100 years. To the real cute and awesome girl in my Real/Naturalism class hope this nice message makes you like The Medium again ...and wtf come over and chillax already or lets skip this class and go get dranks!! :) To the ginger kid in my biochem class; You DO NOT need to say “we shall” every time the professor says “Shall we start the class?” It is too fucking annoying so you better stop you giant pompous pumpkin. To kid in my Intro to Human Ecology class, When I was silently laughing at that girl in our recitation class, I was not trying to be rude or mean. I just thought the whole situation was funny. Hopefully after that we’ll have more interactions then just making eye contact when we’re both laughing. If you’re reading this, your move.
To the girl in Brower Friday morning who dropped her tray and all the food on it. *Clap Clap Clap* Everyone was too nice, but we at the Medium… well you know. To the Fuckass who was calling in the hallways of Clothier for his buddy Mike. I don’t know what you were fighting about, but it’s so sweet that you guys love each other again. Next time DON’T yell in the hallway at 2:30 in the morning. You’re the kinda prick that is asking to be beaten repeatedly over the head with a torque wrench by a guy with one eye, beer gut and an American flag bandana. Dick McCormick… sounds like a gay instant dinner. To the Brower chefs. Whoever didn’t wear a hairnet, thanks for ruining breakfast for me an Sum Dum Joo. The giant hair in the scrambled eggs has given me an unpleasant everlasting image.
To the cunt who likes to hold meetings in the lounge at the DCC; There where other people in the lounge, did you hear one other person talking at full volume? BTW NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR OPINIONS ON BUTT SEX!! To the Jameson singer with hearing aids. Just because you have hearing aids doesn’t give you the right to sing loud and terribly. Thats like allowing a paralyzed person to do wheelies on my nutsack just being theyre handicapped... Keep your terrible singing to yourself. (Considering that this was sent in by a dude and Jameson is an all girls dorm, how about you just do yourself a favor and stay the fuck out of Jameson? That might work...) To the fake ass blonde girl in my algebra class; Please stop with the Victoria’s Secret clothes. You are way too fat to wear them. The last thing I need to see when I am trying to figure out what the fuck the professor is saying is your fat form being encased in a prison of cheaply made clothes with your rolls popping out all over the place... To the guy behind me in theater apprech who said “I would have so much fun living in the 20’s ya know.. being a flapper” ... my IQ just went down from hearing you speak. Thanks, now shut the fuck up. Muthafuckin dolphins...
To the fucking cunt in the Livingston lounge who rudely decided to come in and play the stupid fucking piano while we are all watching tv chillin, not only do you fucking suck but your a fucking annoying prick. Stevie wonder a fucking blind man played better then you! You should be fucking ashamed. You and your piano should go fuck yourself! To everyone who rides the bus while on the same campus, stop. You’re lazy. If you need to ride the bus from one stop to the next stop, all while on the same campus please do yourself a favor and walk to wherever you need to go. Your waistline will thank you in about a month or two. (Some people work until 11pm and are tired you insensitive twat waffle.)
Way to go Juan Williams. Now you gave the conserva-fucks ammunition to strip more public funds from public broadcasting. (Public broadcasting is a huge asset in an educated and free society for the record.) To those Guindians that said they need to GTL, what a bunch of fags. (Who. The fuck. Does that? WHO?!) To the cute guy who had the Edward Cullen cardboard cut out on the EE bus, I’m totally into you. To the fat Asian kid with messed up teeth and his skinny short white girlfriend with bleach blond hair. Can you please stop making out everywhere you go. I have seen you make out in the Busch dining hall and in Orgo lecture. I wanted to throw up both times. You two are disgusting, and it should stop. (I hate ugly in people in love. They seem to think that just becaus they are oh so in love, that they aren’t ugly anymore, but somehow, they just become even more fucking disgusting. Just stop. Really. Everyone around you wants to puke...)
To the girl on the REXL bus in the AM; Please stop popping and locking and lip syncing to whatever pop music is playing on your Ipod. This is the college bus not Glee auditions. So unless you’re trying to attack mimes, just stop. You look like a crazy person. (LOLercoaster) To Glee Club; Why must your rehearsals always take forever and why are they always at the most inconvenient times? I like you but...I’d like to do other stuff too. Like join The Medium Staff, that’d be fun; but no, rehearsal is during that meeting too. Alas, I’ve sold my soul to the music.
THE MEDIUM GHOSTS N’ SHIT
To the blonde girl who looks like Juno... dress as Jasmine for Halloween. I will take you on a magic ride on my King Kong (his name is ‘Abu’.) A whooooole new wooooorld... (I seriously hope you get laid by this Juno girl soon. I just feel bad for you now.) To the girls on the 7th floor; Thanks for the banana bread and weed :D sorry for dumping in your toilet and not flushing. Wait. I’m not sorry. That was on purpose... To the slammin Mediterranean chick thats always chillin on college ave; Please stop wearing those tight ass leggings all the time. Its hard enough not inadvertently finishing in my pants when I glance at your round mound. I think I might jus cover you with baby yogurt next time I see the ever-so-arousing jiggle your ass gives off when you move... (That’s because Italian girls are the best fucking thing to ever happen to this shit hole of a state.) To Striped Sweater Kid in my history class, It sucks you have had a girlfriend for three years, but I’m glad we’re developing as friends. Hopefully someday soon we will exchange phone numbers, because this whole seeing-you-twice-a-week thing is not enough. Also, I like watching you draw all over your notes. (That’s sexxxxy, but also creepy, but more sexxxxy....)
WHAT’S SHAKIN’
Wednesday, October 27th, 2010
“I like to use Comic Sans ironically. I guess that makes me a hipster.”
HAPPY HALLOWEEN! This week I asked you, the readers, to email me events going on around Rutgers. You all responded by not responding at all. Good work, team!
- Buy
Halloween candy.
- Eat all Halloween candy.
- Desperately throw together a costume for tomorrow night.
- Some RUPA - Movie thing @ LSC. Night @ 1:00pm LSC. 7:00pm The event isn’t (Look below Double feature: important. What for easy cosNightmare on is important is tume ideas)! Elm Street and that they have Friday the 13th free popcorn.
- You have to decide which party to attend out of seven different invitations. I won’t be facing this Sophie’s choice because it’s my mom’s birthday and I’m not a heartless monster.
Easiest Costumes Ever
Everyone wants to dress up for Halloween but no one really wants to put that much effort in when it’s just going to end up covered in alcohol. So here are the costumes you can make with just the random shit in your closet. - Baseball player. All this requires is long pants (or tiny shorts for girls) and high socks. Top it off with some eye black and a baseball cap. - Cowboy/girl. You definitely own a plaid shirt and jeans. Two people on your floor definitely have cowboy boots and a hat. All finished! - 80’s person. Any decade’s stereotype is actually easy to recreate but 80’s is the easiest since the styles are coming back. You probably already own the things to create it. - The Situation. All this requires is a wife beater and environmentally unsound amounts of hair gel. - Any animal (if you’re a girl). Rememebr the scene in Mean Girls where all the girls pair lingerie with a pair of animal ears? That’s real.
Come to the Medium meeting tonight! Rutgers Student Center Room 410, 8 PM We need you...desperately.
- Struggle to remember that it’s November now. At least fifty percent of the papers you - Hand out treats to a bunch use today will be marked as of kids while October. completely hung over. - Wish you hadn’t eaten all your Halloween candy.
- Toy Story 3 comes out on DVD! I have yet to see it, so no one should ruin it for me before this.
It Was Funny at the Time...
I keep a journal with me at all times to write down any ideas for The Medium. While the majority of them are shining pieces of comedy gold, a few of them fall flat. I would like to take this opportunity to show you one of the ideas that was really funny when I wrote it at 4am but makes no sense in the light of day. This one was a quick idea for an article that has no reason to be expanded on: “when the doctor asks if you have allergies they want to know if you’re allergic to penicillin or shell fish not pollen or dust. Everyone sneezes around dust, you fuck. just stop saying stupid shit.”
See what I mean? Keep you eyes peeled for more notes that were hilarious when I wrote them and are actually pretty terrible.
When you go out this Halloween, ask yourself one question: how would Jesus feel about what you’re about to do? Have fun, Rutgers! The Medium - asking “WWJD?” since 1970.