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October 28th 2015
Volume XLX Issue VII 50¢ FROM NURSES TO HEARSES
ST. PETER'S HOSPITAL HIRES "NURCENARIES" FOR HALLOWEEN BY SAWYER BRUISE EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—In order to accommodate the increased demands of Halloween weekend on the hospital's resources, management at St. Peter's University Hospital has outsourced duties to private contractors. The members of Nurses of Fortune are identifiable by their black scrubs and Sketchers. The problem started last year when the hospital ran out of beds in which to care for the alcohol-poisoned students. "The ambulances wouldn't stop delivering costumed inebriates," recalled Paul Flowers, a male nurse. "A lot of us later got laid off so there'd be money to buy beds, which were urgently needed with Veterans' Day just weeks away and the whole holiday season ahead. "Some of us have been hired back since, but Dr. Kelso recently decided that we could cut costs by having a non-permanent
QUICKIES
CRIME ALERT Slasher Kills Pretty Teens on Union St. Coors Light Announced Best-Selling Water in NB
"TWO TOURS WON'T PREPARE THEM FOR THIS WEEKEND" Even with extensive experience in the field, none of the contracted nurses are ready for combatting such extreme levels of alcohol poisoning. Be safe, folks!
nursing staff and be able to grow and shrink our personnel list without giving severance or vacation pay." The Nurses' Union and many locals have been outraged by the hospital's unrepentant use of "nurcenaries". There have been incidences in the past of nurcenaries having atrocious bedside manner.
Reports mention unnecessary force being used: sedating a belligerent drunk by striking him on the head with a bedpan; pile-driving a man in lieu of cardio-pulmonary resuscitation; skewering a tracheal obstruction with a chopstick; and even reusing needles on a patient who already has AIDS.
Foreplay Totally Ruined by Spotify Commercial Rogue Candle Ruins Shabbos No Attendees at OSU Game due to Spoiler
Continued on Page 2
RITUAL HAZING
SORORITY APPROPRIATES SATANIC CULTURE WITH PLEDGE SACRIFICE BY THE BUS KID TAYLOR SWIFT BODY DOUBLE
PISCATAWAY—Students and faculty at Rutgers University may have noticed strange chalk drawings scrawled along the ground at central points of Livingston Campus over the past few weeks. Mainly pentagrams, these illustrations have become a nuisance for Rutgers Facilities as they are charged with maintaining the campus’s safe and clean image. While RUPD searches for the culprits, some students mentioned that they have noticed an organization gathering late at night, dressed in black cloaks, holding candles,
Greek Life to Film "Brotherhood of Traveling Underpants"
and displaying the Greek letters “Gamma Theta.” Gamma Theta, an unsanctioned sorority at Rutgers University, opened
up a chapter at Rutgers last spring semester. While there is not much known about the sorority, members are often Continued on Page A7
ACCEPTING CANDY Since 1970
Homeless of New Brunswick Fly South for the Winter
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NEWS
Wednesday, October 28th 2015
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“It's not stalking, it's due diligence.”
RUTGERS: MORE SCANDALS THAN OLIVIA POPE
SCARED SHITLESS IN THE FECAL POSITION
President Robert Barchi Student Finds Shit Too Spooky Arrested for Mugging Student at Scott Hall Bathroom BY DICK TRACY YUMMY IN MY TUMMY
NEW BRUNSWICK—Robert Barchi was arrested by Rutgers University police officers and charged with second-degree robbery this morning at 2:15 AM. He allegedly robbed student James Gardner (SAS ’17) on College Avenue, as he left Alexander Library. The student recognized Barchi, and initially thought the 68 year old President of Rutgers University was joking when he started shouting and asking for money. However, things quickly became serious when Barchi pulled out a firearm and pointed it at Gardner. Gardner, a 21-year-old Biology major, says he did what his dad told him do if he ever got mugged: “Give ‘em whatever they want. It’s not worth your life.” But Gardner had nothing to give him- besides an empty wallet. “He knew I’m a student here at Rutgers. I don’t know why he expected me to have any money to give him. We’re all broke...” Upon realizing that Gardner did not have cash, Barchi demanded that he see Gardner’s checking account
balance. He forced the student to log onto his Chase Mobile Banking™ account and saw a remaining balance of $23.12. Barchi began to walk Gardner to the Rutgers Student Center, still at gunpoint, to have him remove $20 from the Chase™ ATM located there, when two RUPD officers noticed the pair and apprehended Barchi. Kenneth Cop, Brigadier General of the Rutgers Police Department, released a statement, and a Crime Alert, shortly after, painting a picture of the night’s events, being sure to note that, “Excessive force was not used against President Barchi, as he is white and therefore did not meet the criteria for being a victim of brutality.” But Gardner doesn’t seem sure that a simple prison sentence will solve Barchi’s problem. “You should have seen him. His eyes were bloodshot. He was foaming at the mouth, and he kept screaming random things about owing money to Kyle Flood. He seemed deranged. I really feared for my life. The guy needs help. Serious help.”
BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS FINGER-LICKING GOOD
the toilet, not a stain left behind or a flush heard. The shit was described as “if you ate Brower Burritos and then drank prune juice straight, and then let that shit have a baby with Jamie Kennedy’s stand-up career, then ate and shat it back out with the worst hemorrhoids of your life.” Deciding that they should apprehend the shitty assailant before it hurts another student; the two officers split up and searched different bathrooms in Scott Hall. While searching the women’s bathroom for about 45 minutes, Officer Bateman heard a high-pitched scream from down the hall. Unholstering his weapon, he ran down the hall to find the body of Officer Black, his life essence drained from his Aryan physique through his anal sphincter. Officer Bateman looked up only to see a brown streak leading into a urinal and the hollow growl of a wet fart.
NEW BRUNSWICK—The RUPD rushed to Scott Hall this past Sunday night at 1:36am when they received a call from one audibly disturbed Carter Lyle. When officers arrived at the scene, Lyle, a first-year in the Pharmacy Program, was found huddled in the bushes outside the building in the fetal position sobbing unintelligibly. After officers were able to comfort him to some extent, Lyle continuously repeated the phase, “Shit’s too spooky, man. Too spooky.” An investigation was held immediately, leading two officers to the first floor men’s bathroom, where the scariest, most putrid shit was discovered by Officer Black in the stall nearest the window. When Officer Black turned to alert Officer Bateman of this horrid find, the shit had vanished from
NEWS IN PICTURES
NURSENARIES
I'M NOT A LAZY BUM. I'M RESOURCEFUL. THIS IS SMART: CROWDSOURCING.
...continued from Front
TRUMP'S HUMPS Melania Trump, a former supermodel, accidentally—though fabulously—struck a pose, turned around, and sashayed back to the start of the runway, effectively leaving her husband on the catwalk. Er... I mean... "speaking platform".
Editorial Staff Fall 2015
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Michael Vincent Yagnesh Patel
Matthew Fastiggi Fratypus
When prompted for a response regarding the cries of the Nurses' Union and the public at-large, Chief of Medicine Dr. Robert Kelso simply responded, "Who has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso. I don't care how you're doing." News Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Jonathan Holzsager Opinions Editor Lee Matalon Arts Editor Jake Goldstein Personals Editor Sifat Mahbub Page A7 Editor Andrew Blustein Features Editor Aly Grindall
SEND CAMPUS PIX TO "THEMEDIUM. STOCKPHOTOS@ GMAIL.COM" WE'LL HAVE THEM 'SHOPPED TO ACCOMPANY A NEWS STORY.
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Matthew Fastiggi Sifat Mahbub Orion Farr Adam Romatowski William Field Summer's Eve
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to my amorous left hand because I use the right hand to move the mouse.
Wednesday October 28th 2015
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FEATURES
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“WHO IS JUNGLEJIM432????”
HOW TO HALLOWEEN WHITE PEOPLE EDITION
The Best Halloween Costumes of 2015 BY THE HEN HEN MAN AND GRIND ALL
1. Pope Francis 2. Your alcoholic grandpa 3. Sexy and slutty anything (guys only) 4. Donald Trump 5. Donald Trump’s hair
HOW TO HALLOWEEN POC EDITION
10 Things to Not Dress Up As If You Are a Person of Color BY MARKENSCHNITZTEL
We all know that there are certain racial or cultural stereotypes that white people should not dress up as. But are there any white stereotypes that POC should be sure to not imitate this coming Halloween? You betcha! 1. Serial killers: White people have a long, proud history of producing the finest serial killers. A POC dressing up as one is akin to a white person dressing up as a rapper- sure, there might be an rare one that belongs to their own race, but none of the really good ones 2. Socks and sandals: This is a tradition which dates back to the time when sandals were first invented and white people realized that there was too much snow around for them to be worn normally 3.“Ironic” costume: A more recent cultural phenomenon, white people like to dress in “joke” costumes either because they are too insecure to wear a normal one or, more likely, because they want to show off their own hilarious intellect. Dressing up in your own ironic costume will be seen as a challenge by intellectuals to debate subjects such as politics, which is something you’d never want to discuss with a white person, anyway 4. Bottle of Tums: White people have been using Tums ever since they discovered and began to steal spices from other countries. However, it is insensitive to bring this up to them. 5. Neo-Nazi/KKK: In some white communities, when an individual completes a spiritual quest they will buzz cut their hair and yell out a complex pattern of racial slurs in a special ceremony. They will then join their local police force. This ceremony is sacred to white people and should not be imitated by POC in any way 6. Saltine cracker: White people have a long, painful history of being called “cracker” whenever they oppressed another race and dressing up as a saltine will only reopen psychological scars 7. A study abroad student: Although technically not only for white people, be sure not to say things like “This place is so spiritually enlightening and is sure to change me” or “Golly, these poor people act so backwards here, haha!” while in costume. This is culturally insensitive to whites. 8. Martin Luther King Jr.: White people see MLK as a sort of folk hero because he fought against their oppression the “right” way. If you are black you can certainly dress up as him, but be sure not to point out that he didn’t actually like white people because this does not fit in to the White Cultural Rhetoric 9. NASCAR driver: Self explanatory 10. A white person dressing up as black person Not only will you be mocking a long held Halloween tradition, but if you are actually black then the costume can get very confusing
AAAAAHHHHH
How To Survive in a Horror Movie BY GRIND ALL
1. Do not split up: Seriously why are people always doing this? There is strength in numbers. If you and little Mary run in different directions it’s not going to make any difference to Mr. Murderer. He’s still gonna find both of you and kill you. If you and little Mary are together you MIGHT have a chance to spit in this dudes eyes and kick him in the balls. 2. Leave as fucking soon as anything paranormal is happening: I am serious. I don’t care if you’ve lived in the house for your whole life, as fucking soon as doors are opening and shit is falling for no reason just leave. Don’t say “oh it’s the wind!” or “it’ll stop”. It won’t and you will die. Just fucking leave for gods sakes. 3. Don’t tell the police: As seen from multiple horror movies, they don’t give a shit. They’ll make fun of you if it’s a ghost or they’ll totally butcher the investigation of a killer and get you and themselves killed. Police have no idea what they’re going in any horror movie. 4. Don’t fucking talk to spirits: I don’t care if you wanna help this fucking spirit, put the Ouija board away. What do you fucking expect? For them to say “Hey man I’m just kinda stressed I died also can you make sure my mom’s doing okay? Thanks dude” NO! They are going to spell out nonsense like kill, die, and you. It’s a much better idea to not know what they are thinking. 5. Run out of the house not around it: Okay it’s night time and outside is kinda scary at night, but NOT WHEN A KILLER IS IN YOUR HOUSE. God do not go up the stairs or around the backyard or the basement, get the fuck out of there! Jump fences and run into some 24 hour 7/11 or whatever. Who has ever heard of a ghost in 7/11? No one. And there’s always some sus as fuck people in there that I am sure have killed and can kill the murderer chasing you. 6. Get a real weapon like a gun or a knife: Stop using baseball bats???? It’s so ineffective and dude if it’s a ghost, fucking fantastic you can’t even hit it. If it’s a person it is a CRAZY person who can probably be beaten to a pulp and still be functioning. Don’t have any mercy just kill these fuckers. 7. Don’t pause your running from a murderer to fuck your love interest: Why does fearing for your life turn people on????? Please stop. You barely have time to get a drink of water to rehydrate yourself from running from a ghost or maniac, why do you think you have time to have sex with someone?? You can do it once you guys aren’t going to fucking die! 8. Don’t be a hero save yourself: Don’t go back for people. If your mom got left behind then your mom got left behind. Every man for himself. It’s your mom’s fault she didn’t have the ability to get out of there herself. 9. Don’t ask “who’s there?”: Again what kind of answer are you suspecting? “Hey man my names Tyler, I’m a ghost/murderer!” Again with the don’t talk to whoever is trying to kill you, paranormal or not. 10. If your friend/lover/family member becomes possessed leave their ass: Leave anyone who is possessed, they are not worth it. They will get you killed and probably themselves somehow. Do not try to help them. Just fucking get up and go. I don’t care if your married and have kids get up and leave their ass as soon as their head starts rotating all the way around.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN BITCHES COME TO OUR MEETINGS WEDNESDAYS, 8 PM, RSC
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OPINIONS
“01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011”
CHEQUE YOURSELF
Pay Attention to Me
BY YOUR BANK ACCOUNT Hey, it’s me, your checking account. You know, the one you opened after your Bar Mitzvah? You went with mom to the bank and started me? Remember? Yeah, it’s coming back now. Your parents would put your spending money in me. You’d deposit paychecks from being a counselor at the end of the summer. Well guess what, my balance is ($7.22) for the third week in a row. Do you think you can just spend money and not have to think about it? You don’t even have a job, so it’s not like you have a direct deposit to wait for. And this happens every semester, too. “I’ll be on top of my finances this time.” Well, let’s read your recent transactions. $46.50 - NJ Books. Good, way to be responsible. $91.88 - Costco. Saving money, smart choice. $26.00 - NJ Transit. Can you really afford city trips? $8.70 - Wendy’s. Why couldn’t you eat at home? $16.73 - Golden Rail. Here we go again $11.12 - Scarlet Pub. What the fuck dude? $70.15 - Peters Liquors. Get some self control. Overdraft protection isn’t going to save your ass this time. You have a spending problem, and need to -- WHAT? Another transaction? What the fuck is Brazzers.com?
POLL!
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Come to our meeting and submit your answer! Wednesdays at 8:00 PM, Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center ROLLING IN THE CREEP
Adele Is Only Saying “Hello” To Me BY TAPAN TRIVEDI
I am pissed right now, not because it took my babe Adele 1113 days to finally release a new single, I know since I am a true fan and marked each day with a tally on my wall, but because all of these phonies on Facebook and just about everywhere else saying they are in love with Adele. They don’t know anything about her! I was supporting her way back in 2006, way before 19, you know, her very first album out. All of these fakes think that just because they know the first four lines of “Hello,” they have the right to sing along to her or pretend that they actually grasp who Adele is as an artist, her struggles, or even how she does her hair! Screw that, you know “First Love?” Of course not, cause you’re a fucking fake. Well let me tell you something, Adele is my first AND only love! Guess what, when she took her hiatus cause of her kid and cancer, I began to really get withdrawal, something none of you impostors would ever feel. Like, I was actually heart broken. I started looking up “Adele tits” because I could not stand that her little baby would be sucking on those nipples that were for me, and when I couldn’t find enough material there, I didn’t stop there. Oh no, and you know why?! Because I am a true fan! I started looking up for pornstars like her, you know, 5’9”, curvy, brown hair. And when that didn’t do it for me, I just took it to the next level. I started Photoshopping her face on their bodies so I could satiate my thirst for more Adele. So now when you think about calling yourself an Adele fan, know that you will never be a true Adele fan. Go back to weakass artists like Katy Perry or Sia and never share an Adele song again. She’s mine, and that’s all you ever need to know about her.
Wednesday October 28th 2015
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POINT/COUNTERPOINT
Am I Drunk Enough to Fuck This Guy Yet?
BY CALLEE BRANCHER I’ve already had two juices here, plus a couple shots from the pregame, PLUS the beer this guy just handed me. But am I really drunk enough to hook up with some stranger who’s probably so ugly that he had to stealthy grab me from behind and won’t let me turn around yet? Am I? On one hand, his face isn’t really going to be the final straw here, and it’s not like he’s obese, as far as I can tell. Kind of weird how he’s breathing so hard in my ear, though. Unfortunately, I don’t know what his dick looks like, which is what really matters. I really have no idea. Maybe I can give him a handy in the corner and decide from there.
When Are The Damn Roofies Gonna Hit?
BY RICK DAPIST She’s already had two juices, and God knows how many shots before that, PLUS this beer I just handed her with a dissolved rohypnol tablet in it. But so far she’s only taken a couple of sips. Is that it? Or should I wait until she finishes the thing? I honestly have no idea. I’m kind of nervous about this, hope she doesn’t notice. Here we are in some guy’s basement and it’s super hot in here, not going to lie. But she’s too smashed to realize how sweaty I am. Come to think of it, I’m pretty dizzy, too. Getting sort of wobbly here. Wait a minute, which beer did I give her again? Oh, shDisclaimer: We at The Medium do not condone the further propagation of Rape Culture. This motherfucker got what he deserved. I’m PC Principal.
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What Is Your Sexy Halloween Costume? "Sexy Minion!" Alyson Grindnone White Female
“Halloween is a sexist, racist, identitist tradition that marginalizes the vulnerabilities of self conscious non-identifying people of color and non gender conforming/ sexuality conforming people or non humanidentifying beings.” Flower Steinberg Wet Blanket "Sexy Minion!" Gianna Baylor White Female
Wednesday October 28th 2015
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ARTS
“I love your mannerisms, they’re like a retarded T-Rex.”
“GOLDEN’S WISHES” BY GOLDIELOCKS
“ABE WINKIN’” BY SAWYER
COME JOIN THE MEDIUM! AND SEND IN ARTS! MEETINGS IN THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER ROOM 439, WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM. IT’S FUN I SWEAR LET’S GO METS. FOUR MORE. IF ANYONE CAN FIX SONY VAIOS FOR FREE, CALL ME. DICK OF THE PAGE: TRIPOD
“OWL MESSAGING” BY JON GALT
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the Medium
PERSONALS
(If anyone deserves to be egged, it’s them.) I trick or treated up until my senior year when all the houses told me I looked too old. But you think I should try and give it another shot this year?
(Best bet would be to dress up as a 12 year old. But please for the love of God do not be like every single college student ever and try to be a “sexy” 12 year old. Unless you plan on trick or treating exclusively at Subway Jared’s house.) Ten bucks says I see the inside of RWJ at least once this weekend. (My only advice is that I hope you prepare yourself for bed bugs and being neglected by medical professionals in that dank ass excuse for a hospital.) I bought my costume at Party City, why was I the only white person there?
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“Why does Poot Lovato keep denying my Facebook friend request?”
OBLIGATORY HALLOWEEN SECTION Gee, I can’t wait to see all the guys dressing up in their oh so creative “Netflix and Chill” costumes this weekend.
Wednesday, October 28th 2015
Fuck Halloween. (That’s the spirit!)
Yeah I fucked a boobs Jack-O-Lantern. What of it?
(I like how unashamed you are but something tells me that your afterglow involved you crying in the fetal position about how sad and pitiful you are.)
I need to bang someone in a banana suit.
(Dress up as a banana and jerk off in front of the mirror. It’s almost the same thing.) I can’t wait to appropriate the fuck out of some other cultures this weekend. (Awesome, so you’re going to be like how every sorority girl is all the time.)
I better not see any fucking gingerbread costumes this year. (That would actually be a novelty. Instead we’re going to see dozens of sexy minions and at least ten Donald Trumps. And every single one of them are going to swear that it was their idea first.)
School Life How does one tell their professor that he is a fuckboy without one getting in trouble? (Just be like every other pussy out there and wait for the SIRS evaluations to come out. Hooray for anonymity!) If professors gave class credit for how much weight a student could gain each semester I’d have a 4.0 gpa. (Ah yes, reward obesity. Something completely unheard of in America.)
HELLO FRIENDS
Halloween is coming up, and I know all you heathens out there are pumped to drink yourselves into oblivion! So when you inevitably end up in a hospital bed this weekend make sure you use some of that free time to send your ridiculous stories to me. It’ll help with the sobering up process. Trust me. Other
I’m a junior and I still (Without thinking, I asked don’t understand college. my color blind brother how Every day I feel like Da- he liked my new red hair.) vid Letterman felt during I wonder if bitches know that Joaquin Phoenix in- that they’re bitches. terview. (Believe me, they know it (You should feel even worse and they’re damn proud of knowing that none of your it.) professors are even a tenth I don’t have a gag reflex. as awesome as Joaquin is.) Where are all the boys at? Dear personals editor, I (How has no thirsty frat seem to have misplaced boy uncovered the hidden all my fucks to give. Can gem that you are?) I borrow some of yours? Queen is actually kind of (Sorry, all of my fucks have overrated. been sucked out of me along with my soul.)
I Can’t Help You I can’t wait to write a book about my life. (I can already assure you that no one will read it.) I guess people at Rutgers don’t really have sex. I’ve been here four years and it still hasn’t happened.
(You’re aware that prostitutes exist right? Cause let’s face it, after four years your only hope is paying for it.) I should be doing Math.
(Just hire an Asian kid to do it.)
PAGE A7
Wednesday October 28th 2015
the Medium
“You’ll probably shit the bed this Halloween.”
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SEXY SPORTS
...Yeah baby
continued from Sports
that means leaving sex out of the picture and teaching the young men we recruit how to behave themselves,” he continued, pausing momentarily to email an ESPN Top 300 recruit a link to FSU Alpha Delta Phi’s Tumblr page featuring bikini-clad women. “These ladies love themselves and FSU football player. Why don’t you stop by the house next time you visit campus? I’m sure these pretty young lasses would be thrilled to see you!” the body of the message read. Those with a more objective view on college athletics, such as famous play-by-play announcer Brent Musburger, also share Donnell’s sentiments about leaving sex out of the sports world, especially in college athletics. “You should want to play NCAA sports for the pride of representing your school and the ever-lasting bonds you’ll form with your teammates,” proclaimed Musburger, who famously went on a relatively creepy rant about how beautiful AJ McCarron’s girlfriend is during the National Championship game featuring Alabama vs. Notre Dame. “But I mean, if you can absolutely slay that poon like a fucking champ while doing it, then good for you. You’re an American hero. Never forget that young man.”
CONSTRUCTING A MASCOT ...In-crane in the brain
continued from Sports
can better represent Rutgers and its porous campus in the Big Ten Conference and that the ancient, medieval Scarlet Knight is too irrelevant for a school better known for traffic jams and loud construction than anything else. A press conference for the Construction Crane is scheduled on next Wednesday night at 8:00 pm in room 116 in Busch Student Center. In the meantime, the Scarlet Knight cannot be reached for comments.
GOTH SORORITY CHICKS ARE SO HOT ...Burn the witches!
seen clad in gothic garb, often adorning very dark makeup and clothing whilst doing their best to remain extremely pale. They are also known to only surround themselves with other members of Gamma Theta, isolating themselves from the rest of the Rutgers community. After some investigative research by The Medium, an anonymous former 5 GREAT HALLOWEEN COSTUMES pledge was found and contacted. By Scary Terry Dropped from the pledge process after 1. Cowboy: A simple, cheap option for all you men and one month in, she notes that the leaders masculine women. Assless chaps might be annoying of the sorority decided to appropriate in the cold, but it makes sexual assault in a dimly lit Satanist culture in order to remain nonbasic. frat basement extremely easy. During the pledge process, the 2. Risky Business: Another easy costume for all the informant recalls, “We often had to ladies out there. And all the boys out there will thanks sneak into the piggery on Cook Campus you for wearing only underwear. Again thank you, we and steal a pig and take it into the middle of Ecological Preserve, just to really appreciate it. slowly slice away at it until it bled out. 3. Slutty Nun: What’s better than mixing business with “Like, that was really disgusting and pleasure, celibacy with Rohypnol. Don’t worry about offending anyone. Nuns suck. 4. Slutty hobo: Who says guys can’t be slutty and sexy. Just grab some old clothes and cut some holes in them, especially around the crotch. The ladies will love it 5. Badly burned nurse: Break convention ladies! Think about the irony of being a nurse, of all people, who suffered from third degree burns instead of going the traditional route of a nurse begging for dick. And burning yourself is cheap, just do it carefully!
COME TO OUR MEETINGS MONDAYS AND WEDNESDAYS IN THE CASC!!!!!!!!
continued from News
I literally wanted to puke. Eww!” The former pledge also mentioned that she was dropped because she wasn’t enough of “a bad bitch” for GTh. It is believed that the pentagrams are an extension of the pledge process for the upcoming Halloween weekend induction ceremony, where the Dark Lord’s presence is heightened due to the excessive sluttiness on campus. The pledges with the lowest points are forced to draw one while surrounded by the members of the Sisterhood. Dressed in black, the GTh girls would continue to chant their mantras as the omega ranking pledge undresses herself as she surrenders herself unto Satan. Once the pentagram and stripping are completed, she would have her throat slit. As the sisters believe, if Satan still wants her alive, he would perform unholy intervention and protect her. Currently, there have been no known survivors of this ritual.
BREAKING NEWS: THE TRUTH BEHIND DJ YOSHI By PuppyZ
october 28th, 2015 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com THE POT CALLING THE POT A POT, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT
'SEX HAS NO PLACE IN SPORTS' SAYS CULTURE SELLING SEX EVERYWHERE BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON FORMER PIRATE
LOUISVILLE, KY— The biggest story leading up to the start of college basketball has nothing to do with the on-court action and plenty to do with off-the-court action. This is due in large part to the scandal at the University of Louisville. A self-described “former escort” Katina Powell has alleged that former University of Louisville graduate assistant Andre McGee used to pay her to throw scandalous parties involving strippers and alcohol within the dorms reserved for student athletes. The parties sometimes featured women who would agree to have sex with the recruits in exchange for cash provided by McGee and were used primarily as a recruiting tool to land top players for the basketball program. The details of the case
program. The Athletic Director for Florida State University Thomas Donnell told reporters his feelings about the state of Louisville athletics at his latest press conference. “Despicable. Absolutely despicable what they did over there. Involving sex in any facet of an athletics programs, especially in recruiting, is an evil practice and something we here at Florida State University are proud to say we’d never do,” said Donnell, the man HE SHOULD KNOW BETTER AS A PRO also in charge of a cheerleading An inebriated Rob Gronkowski parties at a club. It's very difficult to program designed to employ understand why schools like Louisville would try to use tactics involving sex the most attractive women to woo recruits when our sports culture is the one that Gronk perpetuates. on campus mostly to dance and dress suggestively for Yeah. Very hard to wrap one's mind around that one. Hmmm... testosterone-crazed football There are those that do not care remain unclear. The biggest question on people’s minds is if he was involved directly and and basketball players and fans. whether Hall of Fame coach want him fired regardless of “Florida State is committed to Rick Pitino was aware of or his knowledge of the situation, doing things the right away and even involved in the practice. citing his inability to control his Continued on Page A7
KEYS TO THE MATCH UP: RUTGERS vs. WISCONSIN
Rutgers to be Represented by New Mascot in 2016 BY THE HEN HEN MAN BUSY MAN
-Allow the other team to amass less than 500 yards
-Amass over 500 yards of offense
-Wear spooky costumes on defense to maybe scare the opposing offense. It's about your only shot at stopping any of the offenses you're going to see in the next few weeks
-Wear spooky costumes. You don't need to obviously. It's not going to really benefit you. But hey, it's Halloween and you're at home against a weak opponent so why not have a little fun?
-Have all offensive skill players wear a Badger costume so Wisconsin feels a pang of guilt everytime they crush one of our players -Invite Wisconsin to go Trick or Treating in the dark corners of New Brunswick on Friday
-Put your left foot in. Put your left foot out. Put your left foot in. Shake it all about -Dear God, whatever you do, do not go Trick or Treating in the dark corners of New Brunswick on Friday
PISCATAWAY, NJ— President Robert L. Barchi has announced on Tuesday that he has accepted a proposal submitted by RUSA’s athletic committee to change Rutgers’ longtime mascot from the Scarlet Knight to the Construction Crane. “After a lengthy conversation with Athletic Director Julie Hermann, I have decided to make a change,” said Barchi in a released statement, adding that the new mascot will take over and debut on January 1st, 2016. “I feel that the bird, Construction Crane, better suits our vision of broken promises and never-ending on-campus construction as we move on to our 250th Anniversary.” Retiring the Scarlet Knight that has been a traditional part of Rutgers
impressing ohio state fans SINCE we almost stayed until halftime
athletics since the early 20th century is heartbreaking for alumni, but the student body seems to agree that it is time to move on. RUSA’s “What’s on your mind?” survey revealed that more than 91% of the student body supports the change because they feel that the Construction Crane Continued on Page A7
"IN ALL ITS GLORY" Pictured above is the new mascot debuting for Rutgers Basketball during winter break, (not to be confused with the actual construction cranes appearing over break.)