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Volume XLVIII Issue VII
October 29th, 2014
50¢
NEW RESEARCH DIVULGES SCIENCE "BEHIND" GHOSTS
BY BOO BEE NEWS EDITOR
QUICKIES
PRINCETON—New research presented by Princeton University suggests that ethereal spirits may, in fact, live among us. “Unlike the psychologists over at Rutgers, us real scientists have reaped years of data which proves that ghosts actually exist.” Dr. Rajnesh Kurian of the Physics Department reports. Their location, Dr. Kurian went on to say, may come as a surprise to many. “Once we isolated the waves of the lingering souls, we found that basically… How can I phrase this delicate- "TIME FOR SOME ECTOPLASM IN YOUR RECTO-PLASM" ly? They live in your ass.” I have some serious reservations about the afterlife now. Dr. Kurian’s research team even isolated the likelihood of has been widened somehow. In tire soul rammed up the behind? one’s colon being possessed by fact, if you’re gay or a porn star, As Dr. Kurian goes on to explain, the dead. “There’s a .879 prob- you’ve probably got more than “Ghosts don’t always exist on ability that there’s a ghost up one spirit hanging out in there.” this plane of reality. They are But then, why isn’t every- like Heisenberg’s cat in that they your ass right now,” stated research assistant Lee Hung. “And one walking around like a pal- may or may not manifest themContinued on Page 2 that’s even higher if the asshole sied penguin what with an en-
WAS IT THAT BLOATED BEFORE IT CAME ASHORE?
Beached Whale Causes Concern
BY CHILLBRO BAGGINS STAFF WRITER
ASBURY PARK— New Jersey Governor Chris Christie washed up on a beach late Monday night. The 52-year-old Newark native is still stuck on the shore, conscious, unable to move. Many eyewitnesses are shocked about what they saw. “It was late, I just remember hearing groaning and seeing a massive blob stuck on the shoreline,” said Mark Shaw, an Asbury Park resident. “I yelled to my wife to get the camera. I thought a whale had washed up,” said Shaw. “It wasn’t a “JUST KEEP MY BLOWHOLE ABOVE THE SURFACE” Photo credits: Sports Illustrated Fall 2014 Swimsuit Issue whale. You could say I was pretty surprised when I found noon when he noticed krill be- on the boat. that governor of ours just laying neath him. Christie then alleg“We all know Chis had a big there trying to roll over without edly dove off and ate his fill. He mouth and a big belly. I didn’t resuccess.” then is believed to have cramped alize how big they were until we Experts believe that Christie up, as he was unable to get back Continued on Page 2 was on his boat Monday after-
Stayin' Alive Since 1970
Dining hall runs out of buns, suspects anaconda infestation Missing persons report filed for Barchi Sigma Phigma ignores memebers after third decimal place Festive couple: "Dick or teat?" Rutgers to be included in new Game of Thrones novel "Black Halloween ghosts" turn out to just be religious Muslim girls Only thing slower than Rutgers buses are their clocks Slutty stat student takes morning after poll
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NEWS
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"We're only B1G because Hermann takes Extenze."
NO BETTER EMETIC THAN RUTGERS
NO SLIME ALERT, SORRY!
Undergrads Attend Wrong AA Meeting on Busch BY JON GALT NEWS EDITOR
PISCATAWAY—Pooja Patel, cousin of the late Pooja Patel and Apartment Advisor, is on probation for allowing all students under her supervision to engage in underage drinking. She faces dismissal from her post at Silvers Apartments on Busch and possible legal consequences. Residence Life became aware of the situation when a sour, bilious smell enveloped Patel's building and mounds of dried vomit were discovered. An investigation was performed over the course of the past month and a case was made that could potentially land Patel in jail. As Res Life representative Nadia Holmes stated, "Miss Patel distributed memorandums upon each door of her building, instructing residents to attend a 'Meeting with your AA' and promising pizzas and soda. Patel neglected to specify the meeting's location, but she did say the meeting began at 7:00 that Thursday evening. “Unfortunately, Patel was late to her meeting since she had to buy and transport five Gerlanda's pizzas, unassisted." Chad Lucas Robbins, a resident junior, provided comment. "We all figured to meet in the grassy area outside the front door. No one showed up. We waited until—like—7:03. I was ready to be outtie. My boy Rajah searched online for the meeting. 'AA meeting Busch campus' and came up with an address on Davidson Road. It was close enough to where we were, so we
Girl Hoped to Respond After Fifth Unanswered Message
all went. We were surprised at where our phones took us—the basement of a church." At the meeting, the group of undergrads was welcomed as “a group of new, disappointingly young faces" and things then got real. Robbins noted, "Everyone was self-critical, but supportive. I'm a lot better equipped to address my compulsion for cunnilingus and my unrelated neck issues." After eating some pizza and drinking from soda, the students went outside. A disheveled man, who had introduced himself as Toby, said he was distressed and needed a drink. The students offered him the leftover soda they retained. Toby declined and asked if anyone would be a pal and join him for a quick one at Kelly's. "Kelly is this really hot sophomore. I was really crushing on her hard last year and now that summer is over, I’m totally ready to bang her." Robbins explained, " Of course I wanted to go!" The students reportedly had a “Hella wild Thirsty Thursday” thereafter. Although they all returned to Busch safely, the night was evidently not through with them. As one anonymous underage sophomore reported, “We pretty much started vomiting on everything. It looked like Ke$ha’s hotel room when it was finally over. Minus the glitter.” Patel rescheduled the meeting (with a location) after a week of eating nothing but cold pizza.
PHANTOM SHITS, ANYONE?
medium--or better yet, a proctologist.” selves when you inspect your There is currently no cure anal region. Of course, you’d to ass-ghost, although several know for sure if you had a live/ Catholic priests have already dead cat in your ass! Anyway, it stepped forward to offer their is only on rare occasion that they services to as exorcists to any will flicker into full physical ex- prepubescent boys who may istence. host. If undiagnosed and un“On such an occasion, loud treated, a butt can transform moaning or wailing will emit into a full-blown limbo for the from between the cheeks. At entire phantom population. that time, you should visit your ...continued from front
Editorial Staff Fall 2014
Wednesday, October 29th, 2014
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Justin Lesko Michael-Vincent
Henry Yeh Fratypus
BY JUST THE TIP NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—Ryan Turk, a SAS junior, is very optimistic that his fifth unanswered Facebook message to a girl he met two weeks ago will finally net him a response. “Hey wat u up to,” Turk messaged Jenna Latimer, a SEBS freshman, on Saturday at 11:53 P.M. Turk admitted his previous messages, ranging from “Hey ur in intro to comm right” on Friday, October 3 to his most recent one, have not been his best work. “A lot of girls will respond with and at least say, 'Yeah, why?' or 'Who are you?' and then I can really get the conversation going, but Jenna’s been holding out,” he said. “And it’s a shame cause I’m totally into black girls like her.” Sources close to Latimer
said that she might “respond to get him off her back,” with another adding, “Who randomly messages a girl he’s never talked to from a 300-person lecture?” Turk was optimistic when he heard the reports but did not want to get his hopes up as he did last week when he messaged her “hey how ru” at 2:54 A.M. on October 10. “I figured she might have gone out and been up at the same time bored and trying to watch Netflix,” he said. He cited the relatively early timing of his message on Saturday coupled with his new profile picture from a recent highlighter party as a perfect combination for prompting a response. “If she doesn’t answer this time, I’ll probably only message her once or twice more,” he said. “Plus, I’m texting this totally hot [J.P. Stephens High School] senior from back home anyway.”
THE GOOBERNATOR
possible presidential ambitions. They are calling this a showing pumped his stomach and found of Christie’s lack of self-control. nearly four hundred pounds of Many officials are debating krill, a baby horse, four cases of what to do with Christie. Some chocolate weight loss drinks still want to bulldoze him back into in their cans, and a stuffed Hill- the ocean while others want to ary Clinton doll," said Bill Mont- get cranes and attempt to stand gomery, captain of the Asbury the man back up. Park Beach Patrol. Christie has voiced his prefMany political minds are erence to be stood up so he can saying that this could be yet an- make appearances at the polls other setback in the governor’s during next week's election. ...continued from front
News Editors Sara Markowitz Jonathan Holzsager Features Editor Lesly Kurian Opinions Editor Adam Romatowski Arts Editor Michael Lazaropoulos Personals Editor Lucas Onder Page A7 Editor Lee Matalon
Sports Editor Matthew Fastiggi Copy Editors Kaitlin Rogers Chika Kim Secretary Michelle Flynn Webmaster Michael-Vincent Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Hudson River
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to all the girls who catch a cold on Halloween because they didn't cover up.
Wednesday, October 29th, 2014 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
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“Okay Joon wae, what would you like for Christmas? A Hassidic Jew.”
HOROSCOPES
Whore–O–Scopes BY JOE THE GYN–ASTROLOGIST CONTRIBUTING FORTUNE MASTER
WHERE RU ROBERT BOB BARCI BARCHI?
Where in the World is BARCHI ? BY THE BUS KID T–SHIRT GUY
Aries (March 21-April 19)-- Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Grab a wingman (Cancers will be particularly useful) and get to work. Patience is a virtue. Taurus (April 20-May 20)-- Your creative juices will be flowing over the next three weeks. Take up a skill. Start working on that novel you’ve always wanted to write. You’re going to have a lot of free time when you’re not getting laid. Gemini (May 21-June 20)-- Dude. Twins. Cancer (June 21-July 22)-- Things look bleak out there, for you at least. Take one for the team. An RBI will at least get someone home. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)-- Today is a 6. Honestly, you could do way worse than banging a 6. Take what you can get. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)-- It’s drier out there than the goddamn prohibition. But don’t worry: even the prohibition had a little something going on under the table. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)-- Look out for the crazy eyes. Don’t drop your guard. One wrong move and there’ll be a fork in your scrotum. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)-- Don’t get cocky, and I mean that literally. Know your limits. One shot too many will have you waking up next to a dude. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)-- Change is good. That two year relationship you have with your hand? Yeah, let it down easy. Get out there. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 20)-- Welcome to the friend-zone. Get some apple cider and a DVD of When Harry Met Sally. Make yourself comfortable. You’re going to be here a while. Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19)-- No means no. She’s not playing hard to get. Don’t wait for a slap in the face before you take the hint. Pisces (Feb. 20- March 20)-- You are the Titanic, sinking in an ocean of pussy. Fasten a flotation device out of condoms and ride the wave.
THE MEDIUM MEETS EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 8PM IN BCC 116A. IF YOU ARE FUNNY, WHICH YOU ARE SINCE YOU’RE READING THE MEDIUM, SEND SUBMISSIONS TO THEMEDIUM.FEATURES@GMAIL.COM. LIVE AND BE MERRY! :)
Kobane Hill, Syria – In this week’s adventure we are taken to the Turkish border where our hero, Robert Barchi, has joined in battling the evil clutches of ISIS. Armed with his bravery, Barchi charges into the heat of combat. With a puff of smoke from his cigarette, an explosion suddenly lets off. As smoke fills the air, it seems the Rutgers President has been thrown to the ground. However, Barchi is not deterred, for he knows that if he quits now, all hope is lost. Just as the tobacco smoke escapes his lips, a devilish scream ripples through the air as a crazed terrorist comes from an alleyway, charging with a large dagger. For most, it would seem they had met their end with this madman. Unfortunately for this pawn however, Barchi is no normal man. Our hero’s swift reflexes get the best of his enemy as he quickly swivels out of the dagger’s reach. In return, Barchi flashes out his machete and slices at the throat of the madman. In an ironic twist, Robert Barchi beheads the ISIS combatant. As the body slumps into the ground and the head rolls around with a bloody splatter, it seems Barchi’s courage has won the battle. Sun rays weave their way through the smoke of the battle, shining upon our victorious champion. Placing his machete at his side once more, the triumphant Barchi lifts his rifle and wanders off into the circling dust, not one to stay in the spotlight longer than needed. Join us next time in “Where In The World Is Barchi?”
HALLOWEENER
Sexiest Halloween Costumes of 2014
BY I’M A MOUSE, DUH CAN TELL IF THERE’S A 30% CHANCE IT’S ALREADY RAINING
So Halloween is finally here. I mean really here, it’s in a couple of days. So what the hell are you going to be?! Never fear, here are some of the hottest Halloween costumes of this year that will definitely get you laid. 1. Ebola Patient- Just wear some type of smock and make sure the back is open so everyone can see your intestines coming out of your ass. Make sure you have some sort of brown matter coming out of every hole and your ass will be famous (just like Nicki Minaj’s)!
Thus was in Wingdings last time. Ooops.
BETTER THAN SCRUBS
2. Eggplant- Wanna show you’re healthy? Just throw on some purple lingerie and have some green shit coming out of your head and bam, basically a salad with a side of sexy. Who wouldn’t want to hook up with a vegetable that is barely ever eaten but is emoji famous? 3. Abe Lincoln (AKA Babe Lincoln)- This one goes out to the fellas. Throw on some short shorts, no shirt, a bow tie, wicked tall hat, and rock some facial hair while talking about 4 score and blazing it and you’ll get all the babes. 4. Bacon- Wanna channel your inner GaGa but are balling on a budget? Just get some bacon, it costs like $4 so you can swing it, and stick it to some underwear! Who doesn’t love the smell of bacon? Communists. So basically you’ll be safe with anyone who is attracted to your beautiful aroma. Alright kiddos stay safe and always stay sexy.
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, October 29th, 2014
“Remember everyone, we are printing this in November.”
CHART OF THE WEEK
Pie Chart of Countries
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
DEAR JETS FANS
I think I deserve an apology BY MARK SANCHEZ Dear all Jets fans,
This week, I found this pie chart on Google, and doesn’t it look nice. I’m not quite sure what it means but it looks nice and that’s all that matters. I’m sure you could use this pie chart on your next group project and be able to get a B+. Who doesn’t want a B+? And it has some nice countries on it, too. The United States is on there. So is Germany and France! Which means you can use it for a history project. Maybe this chart describes something in World War II, or World War I, or maybe something about the economy in the world today. Who knows? It’s up to you. All you need to thank me for is that it looks really nice. It has nice bright warm colors, which are appealing to the eye. Imagine if there was dark green or dark yellow? Eww. Well there you have it, you’re all set for your next history or math project, or whatever this chart is for. THINK THIS CHART SUCKED? WELL FUCK. THEN COME TO OUR MEETING TONIGHT ROOM 116A IN THE BUSCH STUDENT CENTER
How many years did I put up with all of your shit, and saying that you all hated me, wanted me dead, wanted me to get cut and be out of a job. And now look at you. Let me tell you, I was watching the Jets game before my game, you know with the 5-2 Eagles, and goddamn I wouldn’t even wish that shit on my worst enemy. The Bills? You lost to the fucking Bills. Let that sink in for a second. Now I wasn’t going to say anything, but considering that I fucking hate you all so much I just couldn’t resist. I mean, we went to the playoffs twice when I was the quarterback, and I have a couple bad games, or bad seasons whatever, and an embarrassing fumble and you think some guy
UNIVERSITY COMMENTARY
Administration must be accessible to my sexy body BY ALEXIS BRADY, TARGUM WRITER Throughout my time on the banks, all I can remember is being on those motherfucking busses. It’s not that I’m a senior who still isn’t used to the busses or anything. Not that I couldn’t suck it up or transfer. So, yeah. Busses suck massive cock. I mean massive. Like the cock I took last night. Oh my god did it gape my pussy holy shit. Did that feel nice or what? Anyway, busses are horrible, dining halls taste like shit, we ignore out faculty who apparently do not make enough money even though tuition keeps rising. And who should we blame for all this bullshit? The administration! President Barchi has announced that he will no longer meet with students this semester and all my fellow students and I have to ask is, “Are we not enough to pleasure you anymore, Barchi?” Barchi, you are the President. You are responsible of taking care of all of the
student body, and you usually do such a good job of it. I mean, first you would do me Barchi. I was your favorite. Remember the way you would bite on my soft and tender breasts? Then work your way down and I would scream. Then, Joey from SEBS would come in and give you a little spanking for being such a bad boy. Yeah, you bad little boy. You take it like the bitch you are. This school is so big, Barchi. Like, I understand if you didn’t want to meet with me as much, but none of us!? What about the issues? What about looking out for the faculty? What about my clit which hasn’t been rubbed in weeks? Because of this, Rutgers is going to be defined as a school of separation of administration and the student body. It’s up to the administration to close this gap. And if that means we have to fuck the whole Board of Governors, then so be it.
named Geno is going to come in and do better! This team sucks! At least you have some wide receivers who are good. I had Braylon Edwards! I know, “who’s that?” I even forgot, I had to look him up just to remember. And then there’s Vick. Michael Vick. Yeah, him. The man who wanted to go to the Jets. He WANTED to come to the Jets. That just proves that the dude is fucked up. And look at me now, I’m getting paid to sit on the bench and now people are talking about me being signed to be a starter next year! Me! Imagine if I was still with the Jets putting up with all of your bullshit, yeah we would have won more games, but we would be destined for another 8-8 season, I’d be getting death threats, and people constantly making fun of my hair, and not even
have a job next year. Lastly, I would just like to publicly thank Rex for getting me injured last year. He saved my career so I didn’t have to keep playing for this team. Love ya, buddy. Love, Marky Mark Sanchez
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What are you giving to trick-or-treaters this Halloween? “Red Solo cups and condoms, playaaaaa.” - Jacque Edwards, SAS Senior
“Advice.” - Bill Monahan, Dad
“Chocolate bars with razor blades.” - Edna Roberts, Neighborhood Grandma
Wednesday, October 29th, 2014
themedium.arts@gmail.com
“Why didn’t they take a picture of my ass?”
COSTUME CHOICES, CHOICES BY JH
Monday, October 28, 2013
ARTS
3:53 PM
the Medium
WHY DO I STILL DO MOVIE REVIEWS?
NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS ARTS EDITOR
movie about a mentally challenged cartoon artist that I had an instant connection with. The movie itself was essentially ass, but the humor was so awkward that it can just charm your heart as you wonder what you could be doing with your weekend. OH SHIT! I totally forgot to review Night at the Museum. Uh, uh. So, Robin Williams is in this. That’s the only good thing about it. Okay? Goodnight.
Ugh. UUUUUUGH! I really have been dreading reviewing this movie. My Netflix is suspended and I don’t have a car to go see The Book of Life, so fuck it, here it goes. Night at the Museum. Acually, before I talk about this one, have you guys ever heard about The Room? It’s a terrible movie, but it’s so bad that it is actually the funniest bad movie you’ll ever see. I recommend watching stoned off your rocker. Oh right, I’m doing Night at the Museum. Okay, so Night at the Museum is a movie. And like a movie, it is similar to Birdemic, another one of my favorite worst movies. Reader, I want you to image CGI hawks killing awkward teenagers by exploding and spitting acid. When I first watched this, I thought someone had been reading my diary of sexual fantasies, but someone actually made this piece of lovely shit. Go! Watch the trailer right now. You will not believe how bad this movie is. What is wrong with me? I cannot stay focused today. Okay. I still miss you Robin WilNight at the Museum movie re- liams. Comedy needs you. view. Go. Please come back :( Freddy Got Fingered is a
BUGGED OUT! GET IT? NO? OH, OKAY ...
October Page 1
Monday, October 27, 2014
22:29
INAPPROPRIATE DOODLES BY JH
It is really, REALLY, difficult to focus on my art while your mom is choking on my dick. So help me out by emailing your art stuff to the Arts Page. Send submissions to themedium.arts@gmail. com. Also, come to our meetings on Wednesdays at 8pm, at the BSC Room 116C. Your mom will be there.
PERSONALS
the Medium INTO THE META
STATUTORY
FASHION AND ART
What if our universe is just some other being’s own GTA game but we just haven’t met the player yet?
Gwyneth Paltrow: Would you bang? Remember, this is not hot or not cause he/she don’t need to be hot to bang, thanks for clearing that up for us Kevin Office fans know what I mean ;). This is open for the ladies to answer too.
I get really upset when I see janitors get rid of stuff written on bathroom stalls. Apparently, some people become really wise when they take a dump. I’m usually just relieved.
(Or maybe we are in the matrix and the trees are made out of icing) Roommates that don’t knock piss me the fuck off. If this isn’t your room and the door is closed, knock on the fucking door before you decide to barge in. What if I’m trying to get off to clown vs mime bdsm? Is that something you wanna see??? (What do you have against Vouyerism? You should be more open minded considering everything.) There’s a little badger/ ground hog/furry creature living on Livingston. If you know of this creature, lets collectively call him Ned and make him a little paradise to live in by bringing him treats and such. If you don’t know Ned, it is now your mission to find Ned. You will receive no help from those who know where Ned resides. Earn it… eaarrrnnnn iiiitttt.
DADDY ISSUES
Wednesday, October 29th, 2014
“ Where that loving feeling is gone”
Dear 50 year old women in clinical psych class. This is not your fucking soup box. Shut the fuck up about your conspiracy theories i hope you take one to many zoloft and die you fucking asshole.
(What do you think the Art Majors do when they are in the bathroom? They are the Janitors.) When does yoga pants season start? (I did not know it ever ended)
themedium.personals@gmail.com
A Fishy Liberation The Medium has gotten a new personals editors and requires your voice to be heard. Help us out by giving me your rants, raves and stories about love and loss. Or about your lonely nights spent in your dorm every Friday night. You may just become famous. With Love, Something Fishy Submit to: themedium.personals@gmail.com
CLASS
I think a fat chick in my class kept farting because I told my roomate I would every once in a while it (That’s the spirit you should never masterbate or have would start smelling like sleep with her kids to get sex on her bed. But i do shit. want her to know that i back at her.) sit on her mattress some- (It is always so hard to tell When the phone rings, I times while i brush my since fat people naturally know it’s you. When I get hair. smell like shit.) a new e-mail, I know it’s you. When I have a new (I’m sure she will get back Hey guy who lives next voicemail, I know it’s at you by having sex on to me, you are no Jimmy Hendrix stop playing the you. I know it’s you. Rut- your mattress.) same fucking 3 chords of gers, please stop asking What the fuck, Meghan all along the watch tower. me for money. Trainor is not even fat. Instead of setting the gui(Just pay up before he finds (Stop using your thin priv- tar on fire I will set you you. He is out busting knee elege against her. Don’t take on fire. caps. that away from her.) (He needs to get those 3 Rutgers needs a room chords down before he can just full of puppies. Just They should start mak- move on. For all you know full of puppies where ing advertisements for he is growing a pussy crop.) you can roll around in people giving up on the and forget all the mis- human race. Also you are not in ery and lack of sleep and Blink182 keep that pop (I thought thats what actual punk voice to yourself debt and job searches. news was.) you fucking faggot. (WHY ARE YOU LACK- So i went to walmart earING SLEEP IF YOU DO (Swimming in the fucking NOT HAVE A JOB MAN lier this morning and I pussy) saw some fat ass bitch in THE FUCK UP) one of those scooters ar- Can every shallow perHow do i get a Sugar- guing with an old man son stop taking fucking Daddy to stop asking me over a handicap stop. personality quizzes on out? (Such is life in America) facebook? No one fuck-
Whatever happened to that guy who rode around on the fucking unicycle? You don’t get to just leave like that, YOU CAN’T JUST TURN IT OFF. IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY. I just don’t get where this guy gets off thinking he can (It is nice to eat out once in just leave like that. We a while, or get eaten out.) need a new unicycle guy, or a clown or something PSYCHOS like that. Nobody accomplished (Why don’t you just step up anything great without to the occasion?) being a little fucked up in the head. Who do you think would win in a fight, a pissed You are hired. off haggus or an annoyed If i hear another girl talk meat loaf? or post anything about (I think everyone would be a pumpkin spice anything winner considering they are im going to lose my shit. a the sex symbols from the last two generations.) (Gosh have you even tried it before? its like so gooood oh If a person is a vegan and em geeeeee.) does crossfit, which one does he/she mention To the kid with the longboard on Sikard street first? (I’m not sure i have been save some pussy for me. lucky enough to never meet (Not a chance buddy he is one in person and prefer to knee deep in pussy.) keep it that way.
U.S OF A
So i went to walmart earlier this morning and I saw some fat ass bitch in one of those scooters arguing with an old man over a handicap stop. (Such is life in America)
Why is it most new jersey girls are born princesses with the only downside is they have very little knowledge of how life actually works for an average person, as life usually is rainbows and butterflies towards them. (Must be something in the water and density of malls. It will catch up to them later in life don’t worry) Help i can never make ratio at any fucking party.
PARENTING My husband and I are trying to make sure our son doesn’t end up like you shitstains. What do you wish your parents had done differently? What turned you into such awful creatures? (You can’t stop fate, just let them blossem into whatever special snowflake they want to be.)
Dear Sweetie, I want you to know that I am very proud of you, and I want you to express you individuality. But what the fuck are you wearing? You know that no daughter of mine is allowed to go outside dressed like that. Is this what they’re teaching you in your womens’ empowerment class? Are you trying to get pregnant? I know those boys with the backwards hats and the weather inappropriate tank tops might seem nice, but they’re interested in one thing and one thing only. And trust me, it’s not your ing cares what element personality. I am too damn you are. Myspace died young for grandchildren. long ago how did these Your shirt is literally a bra quizzes not go with it. and your booty shorts show so much cheek that guys (The new age of horoscopes has begun, prepare your- aren’t gonna know which end to talk to. And your self.) drinking in those heels? Sometimes I like to wear Now I’m gonna have to pay clothes hanging on hang- for reconstructive surgery ers in my closet with when you fuck up your nose the door closed and the eating shit on top of college lights off so I can pretend and a new baby! that I’m a clothe hanging in the closet when no one (Anychance you are just calling your daughter a is around. whore?) (I feel that is not the only It is so difficult to be 19 thing you pretend to be years old and have three when you are in the closet.) children. P.S I love the pope. Sometimes I wonder if it is hard having a dad who (Some mother different fathers I hope.) pays for your tuition.
Wednesday, October 29th, 2014
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PAGE A7
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“‘Cause every inch of you is perfect from the scrotum to the tip”
DON’T HAZE ME BRO
PENN STATE THEATRE
GRΣΣK REPΩRT
Play Review: BEST Side Sto A new musical, BEST Side Story, is set to open at the State Theatre next week. The play, set outside Rutgers’ Busch Engineering, Science & Technology (BEST) dorms, tells the story of two rival ethnic gangs: the Bees, an Asian gang from Busch, and the Squirrels, a Caucasian gang from College Ave. The story revolves around Lucas, best friend of Squirrels’ leader, Joe, who falls in love with his MATLAB TA, Xi Quihong, sister of Bees leader, Xi Jiangchen. The play opens with the Bees smoking cigarettes outside of BEST hall. The Squirrels stroll up and begin to harass the Bees for busting the curve on the MATLAB exam and causing them all to do poorly. A fight between the Bees and Squirrels ensue, and Bees member Alan Ku knocks Lucas to the ground. After the fight is broken up by Officer Kenneth Cop, Xi Quihong helps Lucas up and the two quickly become smitten. Word gets out and the Bees begin to swarm the bus stops. The Squirrels respond with aggression towards students on College Avenue. The play received critical acclaim for it’s musical numbers, including “Quihong”, “Down Route 18”, “Golden Rail Blues”, “What’s Your Ratio?”, “Fuck Penn State”, “Oh Condoleeza”, “B1G and Bad”, “Booze, Weed & Adderall”, “You Have Chlamydia”, “Fuck Penn State (reprise)” and “Walk Of Shame.” Tickets will be available to students for $10 with a valid RUID.
WITH FRAT ALBERT
MEDIUM GREEK LIFE CORRESPONDENT
PISCATAWAY, NJ – The Kappa Omicron chapter of Rho Iota Pi at Rutgers recently settled into its new home at the Livingston Apartments after 8 years at its Huntington Street location. A decline in membership in recent years resulted in the chapter’s not being able to pay it’s rent. “There were nine of us last year, but six graduated. We’re the only ones left” said chapter president, recruitment chair, alumni relations chair, and athletic chair John Bailey. The fraternity, chartered at Rutgers in 1978, experienced a decline in the recent decade since their house burned down in 2002. The chapter is now down to three men.
IMMA LET YOU FINISH HIM!
“So there are three of us left” said vice president, treasurer, social chair and sergeant-at-arms Steven Abramowicz. “We stopped throwing parties last year. We’re all seniors, and we know we’re not getting any recruits, so we’re just living up the rest of our days.” The fraternity is not allowed to display their letters on the building, yet Abramowicz sometimes hangs a PIΠ shirt on his chair “so it’s partially visible out the fourth floor window.” The chapter’s oncampus apartment houses four people. “At first it was kind of awkward living with a fourth guy who wasn’t a brother” said chapter secretary, brotherhood chair, PR chair, and historian Ken Wang, who occupies all 6 seats on the judicial board. “He’s a senior, but we’re trying to recruit him hard. We even tried having a rush event in the kitchen, but he didn’t show up.” Roommate Darrel Burns, a music ma-
jor, was reportedly having dinner with his girlfriend. “I found these guys on Facebook,” commented Burns. “They were three guys looking for a fourth roommate. They said they were brothers in a fraternity, and I didn’t mind. What I didn’t know was that they were the fraternity.” Burns is reportedly not interested in Greek Life. “Look, I love living with these guys. I have a great time hanging and drinking with them, but I don’t know if I’d have the time to pledge and still pursue a musical career like my idol, Bob Dylan.” “Things are pretty much over” said Abramowicz, “its kind of bittersweet. Nationals didn’t contact us for insurance money this year, and that was kind of the kiss of death.” Before this correspondent left the apartment, Abramowicz handed him a business card. “Here, take this,” he said, “it’s a copy of our composite.”
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october 29th, 2014 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com OTHER SCHOOLS HAVE SCANDALS, TOO?
AMIDST THE UNC SCANDAL, RU ATHLETICS’ ACADEMIC INTEGRITY SHINES THROUGH BY SHREG GIANO SPORTS EDITOR
newspaper and not a TV station. SAS Dean Reggie Allen detailed PISCATAWAY— Shocking rethe intense academic track that ports have surfaced in the last athletes are required to follow. week involving The University “The ‘weed-out’ course that of North Carolina at Chapel is the most infamously difficult Hill. A school that boasts topis probably ‘Comm. 101 for Athnotch academics and highlyletes: What Time did Coach Say competitive athletics has been Practice Was?'" Allen intimated under fire after indications that to Medium reporters. “Also student athletes were allowed to dreaded by most is ‘Economtake fake, “paper classes” and ics 221: Examining How Much receive passing grades to keep Money You Guys Bring in and them eligible without doing How Little of It Goes Towards much work or attending class. You.’ With these highly chalRutgers athletic director Julenging classes, we make sure lie Hermann sees the way her our athletes are fully engaged in department handles student "RUTGERS' FINEST" academics, since being a student Pictured here are some of Rutgers' top student athletes, at least athlete academics as totally dif- is their top priority.” according to the athletic department who insists they are actual student ferent. While not as competitive as “We hold ourselves to a athletes. UNC in Academics nor in athlethigher standard than that,” wouldn’t look the other way or you glide through college if you ics, Rutgers is a shining example claimed Hermann. “You know, boost his grades. That would come play for us,” Hermann of a decent university that is deif our athletics were really com- just be wrong!” added, winking repeatedly at cent at sports can put a decent petitive and our star football “I just want to clarify for the reporters even as they ex- amount of effort into student player was about to be ineligi- possible recruits, we absolutely plained to her that they were athletes’ academics. ble or something, we TOTALLY won’t boost your scores and let conducting an interview for a
KEYS TO THE MATCH UP: WISCONSIN vs. RUTGERS
Sports News Flash: Apparently, Important Baseball Games Are Still Being Played Right Now and explain. “Jesus guys,” San Francisco NEW YORK, NY— For most Giants manager Bruce Bochy people living in the New York/ shouted,” we’re not just playNew Jersey area, the gauge for ing regular old games out here the start and the end of the Ma- for fun, this is The World Series. jor League Baseball Season is These games are for all the marwhenever the Yankees are on tv bles!” You heard it here first. Not and when they are off tv. This only are games still ongoing, the year’s end was rather easy to see: as soon as the talk of Derek games being played are actually Jeter was over, the season end- more important than the earlier ones. Perhaps, this will cause the ed. Or so it seemed. There are average American sports fan to reportedly Major League games flip the channel from watching still being played even though week-old football highlights or a Jeter and The Yankees are not report on what kind of breakfast ceplaying in them. News vans real Lebron ate to a baseball game surrounded Kauffman Stadium if it is the bottom of the 9th with in Kansas City last week to see bases loaded in the World Series. what was going on. When in- But probably not, honestly. vestigators got to the field and In other news, Lebron is considertried to ascertain what was haping switching from Frosted Flakes pening, the managers and players tried their best to stay calm to Raisin Bran after he had a stomach cramp last practice. BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON SPORTS EDITOR
-You're the third best rushing team in the nation and your upcoming opponent just allowed 300 yards rushing. You figure it out, asshole -Convince Rutgers to make this their homecoming game for extra motivation. A stretch, sure, but you might be able to pull it off. -Prepare yourselves for a plethora of BIG Ten and Knight puns. Seriously, you have no idea what you are in for. -Let Rutgers' quarterback beat himself. You honestly don't have to do anything.
-Capitalize on Nova's potential absence by starting someone who is good at the position -Remember that homecoming games are typically very easy and given recent success in these games, confidence should be running high -That tackling thing would be good, as usual. Really guys; give it a try -At least 9 out of 11 defensive players will need to be defensive tackles to give you a chance at stopping Wisconsin's rush attack
OUTSCORED 98-41
SINCE PLAYING HALFWAY-DECENT TEAMS