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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLVI Issue III
50¢
OCTOBER 2ND, 2013
WE'VE BEEN CONNED
CONTROVERSY COMMITTEE ANNOUNCES PLAN TO PUT RUTGERS BACK INTO THE SPOTLIGHT
BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ-- Citing that Rutgers has not had any significant bad press since the incident involving former men’s head basketball coach Mike Rice, the Rutgers Controversy Committee has been hard at work to bring our university back into the spotlight. With a proud history of giving Rutgers a bad name, the Controversy Committee has been an integral part of Rutgers since its founding in 1766 when they helped effeminize the university through naming it Queen’s College. Today, the Controversy Committee is led by Gregory Aberdeen, whose experience with defaming universities such as Penn State and the University of Phoenix has given Rutgers hope that it will once again be looked down upon by fellow universities. The Medium brings you an exclusive interview with Aberdeen, as we discuss the bleak future of Rutgers University. When asked about the
"SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL!" Chairman Aberdeen discusses the effort required to sabatoge the prestigous reputation of Rutgers University.
recent success with Mike Rice, Aberdeen smiled and stated, “Paying that asshole to chuck basketballs at those kids and call them faggots was the best use of our funding since we decided to become a public school!” Aberdeen proceeded to talk about
this topic for another 47 excruciating minutes. When asked about the recent scandal surrounding the lawsuit against the Dean of Douglass College, Aberdeen’s expression changed and he began to pour himself a glass of scotch. “We could have
6 SIDED DIE; MORE LIKE 20 SIDED DIE
Area Nerd Unfazed by Basement Party BY DOOKIE DRAWERS EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
COLLEGE AVE-- New Brunswick cellar-dweller Evan Martin seemed content as ever Saturday night, sitting in his usual corner playing World of Warcraft as dozens of sweaty bodies danced around him. Martin and his heinous neckbeard were engrossed in another marathon gaming session, so engrossed that his housemates’ seventh basement party of the year went on around him unnoticed. The cacophony of house music did little to penetrate his focus. The noise-canceling ability of his Turtle Beach 3XX74 gaming headphones, complete with mic and comfortable foam earpieces proved every bit worth the not inconsiderable 350 dollar price tag, paid for with best buy gift cards from aunt Maribelle. For once in the last week, Martin was not the only sweaty body in
A FEAT OF FORTITUDE AND DEDICATION Martin (pictured bottom right) remains ignorant of the copious alcohol and wild sex in the background of his video gaming session.
the basement in need of a shower. With his wheelie chair fastened to the floor by sticky stains of semen and jungle juice, Martin has not yet been seen moving from his spot in weeks. “We choose to keep the keg away from his bottles of urine,” said housemate Larry Sanderman. “He doesn’t leave the basement,
even to go to the bathroom”. Known not to talk to strangers, Martin completely ignored all party goers as he talked online to 40 strangers. Most attendees didn’t notice the shadowy creature in his dank habitat, though one used Martin’s neckbeard to Continued on Page 2
Keeping you Safe from the Truth SInce 1970
done a lot better. Only now do we realize that anything Douglass related is ignored by the media and even our own student body.” Over the past summer, Rutgers experienced a surge in Continued on Page 2
QUICKIES
Governor Chistie Literally Breaks Ground at Rutgers; 35 Presumed Dead, Search Parties Continue Guy regrets having drunk sex at party, "I wasn't ready!" Obama Trades Beauty Tips, Gossip, and Foreign Policywith Iranian President over the Phone Optometrist Still Cannot See Why Kids Like Cinnamon Toast Crunch
the Medium
NEWS
“Oh Snapdragons!"
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S OVER. NO, BITCH!!!!!!!!
GOING BACK TO THE ROOTS
Knight Wagon Employee Overheard Talking About ‘Breaking Bad’ Scenario BY TITUBA O’REILLY CONTRIBUTING WRITER
PISCATAWAY– Knight Wagon employee Tim Rogers was overheard by multiple customers about how he could totally get a Breaking Bad-like scenario happening inside the food truck. Multiple sources confirmed that Rogers could be heard saying “How hard could it be? I mean it man, get a couple tanks of meth back here, drive this thing out to the edge of Buccleuch Park, put on a hazmat suit and we’re in business.” He was also heard saying that “[his] buddy majoring in chemistry could totally hook us up with the right stuff if we cut him in, too.” Almost all other employees either ignored Rogers and his asinine idea or told him to “shut the fuck up”. The beanie-wearing dipshit continued to talk about how easy it would be to “score” some UNDER THE TENT methylamine in order to cook Standing erect, Chris Christie looks at the newly discovered phallus of the crystal meth. “There’s a train the WikiLeaks leaker, Chelsea Manning. station right here in New Brunswick right? It passes by here every time the same day, chances are one of them has some meth on it. All we have to do is just BY FOUR LOKI heist it, you know?” STAFF WRITER The pseudo-druggie imbecile also elaborated on how NEW BRUNSWICK-- Walk was; it looked kind of like my he would distribute his product. down the corner of College Av- mom’s chest hair. We tried digRogers cited his friends “Armaenue and you will see scores of ging around it but it kept getdillo” and “Kinda Heavy Steve” pitched up tents and Jeeps scat- ting bigger the deeper we went" as “guys who know the system tered everywhere. It isn’t Tent explained head foreman Hal State being set up a semester Somers. COMMITTEE early, but a university run ar- Tamara Gilligan, a doc...continued from front chaeological dig for WikiLeaks toral student on the excavation popularity with the successful informant Chelsea Manning’s team, was one of 10 students on merger with UMDNJ. Through the team. "I think I can speak for this merger, Rutgers now has a manhood. The team is busy finish- everyone in my group and say greater research potential than universities ing up an excavation it started that we all feel extremely lucky world-renowned last week of Chelsea Manning's and honored to have seen Chel- such as Yale and Harvard. Upon manhood, a relic known for in- sea Manning's manhood. She mentioning the topic to Aberspiring daring acts of bravery to definitely had the biggest balls deen, he proceeded to throw whoever possesses it. The man- to pull off a leak like she did. away his glass of scotch and hood previously belonged to Who knows, with her manhood drink directly from the bottle. transgender military hero Chel- in our hands, we can squeeze “What a fucking disaster that sea Manning (former Bradley it till courage and bravery leak was. We hoped that the merger of Rutgers-Camden with Rowan Manning), widely known for out” she said. The next obvious step for would piss off a whole lot of the WikiLeaks incident. The team was called in Chelsea Manning's manhood people and it was going great. shortly after construction began was to show it off to the entire But one thing led to another and on College Ave while city work- Rutgers community. Parts of her suddenly Rutgers became an acers were building a tenement. manhood were taken to the Rut- ademic powerhouse. It was terOne worker spotted some- gers Geology Museum in New rible, just terrible.” thing strange sticking out of the Bumblefuck, NJ for further re- Before making another statement, Aberdeen had finground. “I had no idea what it search to be done.
Archaeologists dig up fossilized remains of Chelsea Manning's manhood
Editorial Staff Fall 2013
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013
Stewart Hallman Devin Baker
Yagnesh Patel Rob the Sun God
News Editors Mike D'Anella-Mercanti Michael Lazaropoulos Features Editor Leif Tornberg Opinions Editor Eli Youssef Arts Editor Lisa Mathews Personals Editors Adam Romatowski Justin Lesko
and can move ‘the product’ from the Newells to the Quads.” Multiple sources have confirmed that they have seen Rogers walking in and out of local restaurants in New Brunswick, asking them if they would like to “partner up” on a deal that could put them in the “empire business.” Reports have also shown Rogers asking customers if they would be interested in “some sweet blue crystal” while taking orders in an effort to gage a general interest. One customer, Samantha O’Reilly, recalled her experience. “I was just trying to order a Skirted Knight when the guy taking my order hands me a little baggie full of blue rock candy and goes ‘here’s your change.’ I asked him what the hell he was doing and he just winked.” Rogers went on to state that they would have to buy some sort of store in an effort to launder the money that would be earned from his new business venture. Rogers said, “It could be anything man, like a laundromat or something. Definitely a laundromat.” At press time, Rogers could be seen taking customers’ orders on Busch while mumbling “bitch” to himself and quietly laughing. ished his scotch and threw the bottle at The Medium staff and in a rage began screaming, “I don’t have time for this shit! This school needs me to make it the worst it can be. No more games. I’ve got something BIG planned for Rutgers. A sex scandal! Come hell or high water, I’m going to have a picture of Kyle Flood’s dick sent to every phone in New Jersey!” NERD CENTRAL! ...continued from front
dry off his hands. The glow of the computer screen and microwave cooking hot pockets provided a nice ambient light for the basement soiree. By the time the party had cleared out, Martin still remained as stoic as ever, at five in the morning. It was an adventurous night indeed. Back Page Editor Sasha Romayev Copy Editors Lisa Mathews Lesly Kurian Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Sasha Romayev Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Edward Reep
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to our new our new initiative: A porn magazine for average sized guys.
FEATURES
Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013
“Kelly is here :)”
YAYLISTSOMGOMGOMG
Things to Do When You’re Bored BROSEF STALIN OPINIONS EDITOR
1. Arson
11. Ok
2. Hack the Pentagon
12. Uhh, You Did All of That?
3. Hijack a Bus
13. Shit, I Dunno Go Kidnap the President I Guess
4. Practice Digging Holes 5. Get Some Hookers (Really Though) 6. Learn To Hide Bodies 7. Hide the Bodies 8. Get Drunk 9. More Drunk 10. Keep Going
PLEASE SEND ME COOL STUFF!!!!!! THEMEDIUM.FEATURES@GMAIL.COM MOVIE REVIEW
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I WANT YOU
NUMBERS :D 32% 156,429,072 of Americans The amount of have had sex people that have with a midget tried bondage
8 1 The amount of People jacking cheesesteaks I it to The am eating Medium at any given moment SALES GRAPH
After Earth
POKEMON LEAF GREEN FEATURES EDITOR
If you go watch this movie, you will have wasted not only money, but your not valuable time. This movie has Will Smith - which is good, but also his son. Why the fuck would this movie be good? This is just Will Smith being all like “Hey look my son does movies, ourfamily is so talented, damn. I should have put my daughter in this too.” Why would you go watch a movie that probably sucks and just shoves in your face how awesome it is being Will Smith’s kids because they get to sing and be in movies and be famous. After Earth will make you realize how much your family and life sucks, and you will probably have suicidal thoughts for the rest of your bleak existence. The only reason to watch this movie is so you can pay to have someone make you feel worse about your life.
HOROSCOPES Aries: Eat a dick. Taurus: The burger you just ate at the LDC was tainted with Mad Cow Disease. Yes, I know it was chicken, call an ambulance.
YES
THE BEST DRINKING GAME. EVER.
Gemini : Your roommate will have a threesome on your bed while you’re away for the weekend, and it’s not the cool kind.
POKEMON. MOTHER. FUCKING. DRINKING. GAME.
Cancer: That itching can be solved with a doctor-reccomended shampoo.
FUCK YEA BITCHES
Leo: Grow a pair you sensitive bitch. Virgo: Remember that condom? It broke. Going “balls deep” was not your best idea. Enjoy the next nine months. Libra: A fat filipino is in your future...and it’s not the sandwich. Scorpio: For this week, you have absolutely no future. Go home and cry. Sagittarius : You will die alone.
Capricorn: You’re a goat. Your life already sucks. Aquarius : Go drown in the Raritan.
Pisces : Are you fucking kidding me Pisces? Go fuck yourself.
UGLY THING OF WEEK
CUTE THING OF WEEK
the Medium
OP/ED
Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013
“Something, something, something, bitches.”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
What the Fuck Is This E-Cig Shit? BY A FAG (A.K.A. A CIGARETTE) Hey, remember me? I’m the most popular form of nicotine consumption in the world. I’ve been around for fucking ever. But these punk ass bitches come waltzing in on my turf just because I’m not “allowed” inside certain buildings? Fuck those guys. You really think that shit’s healthier than my filtered, smoky, flavor. Well you’re just kidding yourself, kid. Stick to your gum, at least you won’t look like a nerd chewing gum. Which reminds me, have you people seen yourselves smok-
ing those e-cigs? They look like goddamn toys; it’s embarrassing. You’d look more serious trying to smoke out of a crazy straw than you do with those dumb looking plastic sticks in your mouth. Fucking man up. If you’re going to pretend you’re killing your lungs, you shouldn’t half ass it. What would your lungs say? They’d be disappointed in you for not trying to ravage them with my chemical cocktail of carcinogens and tar, and really, your lungs deserve better.
ADVICE
Ask A Guy Who Hears Voices in His Head Tell Him To Do Unspeakable Things
Dear guy who hears voices in his head telling him to do unspeakable things, Hey guy who hears things, what do you think about the geopolitical climate in Syria and the Middle East? Do you think we should risk interfering with political affairs outside of our country, and do you think there’s a path for us to stay out of foreign countries and become more focused in balancing our own political affairs? I’m worried about the path we’re going in and it’d be nice to get someone else’s idea on the matter -Politically minded Dear Politically minded, Who said that? WHO SAID THAT? I told you to LEAVE ME ALONE. Oh god, please. They told me the medicine would make you go away. Why. WHY? Why won’t you just go away. I’ve done everything you’ve asked me for; I’ve lost everything because of you. Why won’t you
UNIVERSITY VOICES
“How would you feel if the government shut down?” “I Feel that we will make it through this like we always do, because America is da bes.” Blake Randolph Blindly Patriotic Sophomore “ FUCK YEAH. DOWN WITH CAPITALISM” Lilly Applebaum, Senior Anarchist
just SHUT UP. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. I can’t take it anymore; I don’t think I can deal with this anymore. I just… I just want peace… I want to be able to sit alone by myself and for once hear nothing. I don’t think I will ever get that… will I? Not unless I die… I hear dying is quiet. Yeah, hehe, I’ll make sure to get rid of all the voices and never have to hear you again. Hee hee hee hee, I’ll make sure you’ll never say anything to me again. It’s only a matter of time now, and then it’ll be alllllll over. Just stay still, and listen. It’s so quiet now. I can’t hear anything anymore. How nice.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
I Could Totally Just Set This Building On Fire Right Now BY SOME PUNK KID
“It would cause an extreme disruption of the infrastructure of our country and could cause catastrophe if it occurred. We can not allow such a travesty to occur without interefereing lest our country become set on a path of destruction and desolation. We must take action now”
Joseph Baldwin, Professor of Boring
“Like, what’s a ‘government’? Issat some kind of diet?” Juana Lapel, Freshmen. Probably Drunk.
HAVE SOMETHING YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT? LIKE MAKING INANIMATE OBJECTS HAVE FEELINGS? SUBMIT YOUR IDEAS TO THE OPINIONS AT: THEMEDIUM.OPINIONS@GMAIL.COM
Hey, you know, I could set this building on fire and no one would know it was me. Nobody’s around to see me and there aren’t any cameras that could catch me. The weather seems dry enough to get a good burn. I could just take this lighter and burn some trash and toss it somewhere and no one would be the wiser. Yeah, I’ll just burn this place down and run like hell. I never liked this building anyway. Failed way too many exams here.
That’s Not Cool Man, I Didn’t Ask To Be A Part Of This. BY A LIGHTER
Dude, bro, woah, what are you doing? Bro? C’mon, man, why are you pointing me at those curtains? Hold on, man, think about this for a second. Why don’y you use me to light up for a smoke or something, clear your head. This probably isn’t the best idea. Hey, watch out! Take it easy on the flint lock, What’s the rush? Slow down, you don’t need to do this. C’mon, just… just put me down and we’ll go burn something else. Preferably something that isn’t a potential multi million dollar felony. Maybe light up a bowl?
ARTS
Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013
the Medium
“Thank you to everyone who donated beer to the completion of this page.”
THINGS I LIKE AT THE SUPERMARKET - PROFESSOR XXX Professor XXX
Hey, where’s the mom?
Oohhh look at this adorable babiii!
She went that way
Who’s got a widdle hat? You do! You so cute I could just take you home!
OUR FEATURED ARTIST - I’D LIKE TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS
TINY FROG IS TINY ILY AND COB - NEW GUY THANKS NEW GUY! This is an original comic by our new guy who doesn’t have a name. Any ideas for a pseudonym? Tweet us at Twitter: @TheMediumRU Send him a name! Help!!
ANIMALS OF THE WEEK WHAT’S HAPPENING IN THIS PHOTO? I don’t know but it looks terrible. Tweet your best caption to @THEMEDIUMRU. C’mon you’re funny.
1) DRAW SHIT 2) SUBMIT TO THE MEDIUM 3) BECOME FAMOUS. THEMEDIUM.ARTS@ GMAIL.COM THIS IS A NAPKIN DRAWING by a student, aka my coworker after she got fired for offering alcohol to parents.
the Medium
PERSONALS
“We accept the stupid bitches on Twitter that we think we deserve.”
GIRLS
ONE OF US
BUS BITCHES
To the girl who fully lays out on the lounge couches, stop acting like Rose from Titanic. No one wants to sketch a person in sweatpants and flipflops.
I’ve already been here for over a year and I can’t make good friends. I’m too awkward and weird for all the fuckin’ preps, but I’m too normal and average for the opposite spectrum. Is there anyone who will put up with my sarcastic/asshole-y antics and crude humor??? HOW THE HELL DO I FIT IN. Fuck it, I’ll join The Medium.
I don’t care if you’re on the phone and not paying attention to me. If you don’t move after I say “excuse me” to get off the bus... you’re getting pushed off the seat. No exceptions.
(Draw me like one of your French girls.)
(In the year 2013, it’s pretty simple. First you find her Facebook and quietly stalk it for 6-11 months, while wishing you had the urge to say something to her. From there, you wait until a very drunk night where a normal person would go out and speak to girls directly, instead you’re going to creepily poke her and continue to message her “hey u up?” five or six times. After that, never make eye contact with her again on the bus and change your schedule to stay away from her path. You’re welcome.)
ME HUNGRY When people cut in front of me in lines for food, I immediately wish I had a direct link to God to make them drop their plate as soon as it’s filled. (The nerve those people have, to get dry, fried chicken and shitty, green beans that have been sitting out for six hours before you.)
DON’T CARE
RODENT OF THE WEEK IF
YOU HAVE A CHINCHILLA, YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE.
(Tell ‘em girl. The world needs more people like you, and by that I mean assholes.)
I hope lots of chicks dress up as Miley Cyrus this Halloween, especially the version of her in the FYI, REX buses are not wrecking ball video. (You meet all the require- real. That’s my fantasy. ments to join The Medi- (None of the buses are real. um!!! Except you sound (I prefer her as Hannah like a total bitch. Go hang If you think that way, you’ll Montana, circa 2008. She out with the unicycle guy stay much more sane in your four years on the banks.) was 16, arguably the hottest on Busch.) age.) Hey again! So this girl smiled at me on the bus today! And I gave her a smile back too! It was magical! Now how do I proceed from there?
Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013
WHITE GIRLS
Send your personals to: themedium.personals@gmail.com
Surprise, the white chick Honestly, if you’re a guy holding Starbucks is late, CLASSHOLES with hair that goes past interrupting the whole lecture with her giggles your shoulders and you In my Intro to Managedon’t keep it clean, cut and loud slurping. ment class, the profesthat rat nest off already. (She’s just thinking about sor always has music Maybe then a girl will actually want to talk to you how many times she got playing before the start fucked after her sorority of class. Then he takes a for once. meeting last night.) clicker poll to see how the class likes the music. The (Guys with long hair drown in pussy, trust me. TRUST When white girls laugh last option is “ I’m glad ME!) and talk loudly in busi- I had my earplugs were ness classes, I’m tempted working” and there’s alto laugh harder at how ways around 7-10% of SCOCK HALL quickly they’re going to the class that votes that There should be some switch to communication way, and I have a feeling it’s because the professor sort of warning for the majors. doesn’t play any K-Pop condition of the men’s bathroom in Scott Hall. I (Or she’s laughing about in class. checked the stalls on two how little this class matters separate occasions last when she marries one of the (I’m a big fan of K-Pop ever since that “Oppa condom week, and both times it business guys.) style” guy’s Youtube video.) looked like a mummy had dysentery and forgot to flush. For the love of ASIAN PWOBLEMS When old people walk into business classes, I God, the water was black. If I had alcohol in equal always wonder at how amounts that Asian quickly their small busi(Alright who cares, real people had pens, then I ness failed. question: what is the stawould need a liver transtus of the glory hole in the plant at age 25. (THANKS OBAMA bathroom? I’m asking for a FOR TAKING ALL OUR friend. I lied, I’m asking for (Luckily, they’ll be the docJOBS!!!!!!!! myself because I love glory tors replacing your liver holes.) when you’re 25.)
People who don’t care when crossing the street If I had a dollar for every at Scott Hall and don’t Asian with a Hello Kitty let the 6 waiting buses folder in my math class, I through because they wouldn’t need a Rutgers think they’re too impor- education. :/ JOIN US tant, making 200 kids late for class are the WORST (Hello Kitty. I just don’t Wanna join Greek life kind of people. get it. And I’ll never get it. but you’re obviously not And I’ve come to terms with cool enough? Like at all? (Actually you know what that.) Come pledge I Dicka kind of people are the worst Joka, at The Medium’s people in the world? Nazis, For more rice jokes about meeting Wednesday with New England Patri- Asians and disgraced at 8:00PM in the Busch ots fans a close second and basketball coaches, folCampus Center Room those who own golden re- low @personalsRU on 120B. YOLO! the Twitter machine. trievers in third. )
In one of my English classes today, we spent 30 minutes on a one word poem. If that doesn’t say “Bullshit Degree” then my class can probably analyze it until it does. (Here’s my one-word poem: Clitoris.) I’ve reached the point where I would rather clean my apartment, than study for my exam tomorrow or write my 5 page paper due on Wednesday. (Any food you find cleaning is up for grabs between you and the inevitable New Brunswick rats that live in your apartment.) Seeing all the people from my floor last year around campus makes me doubley thankful that I don’t live with any of those motherfuckers anymore.
GANG GREEN
(...and hit my nonexistent wife.)
Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013
PERSONALS
the Medium
“Who’s watching the damn Crane?”
IF YOU JUST BELIEVE IN
Tinkerbell
Yeah Tinkerbell, if you just believe then she is real. Well, does it work with anything? I think it does. Like if I believe that some pussy will come in here while I’m writing this box then it will OH MY GOD some just walked in the room. Shit it really does work. So if you’re lonely go in your room and oh fuck yeah she’s licking the shaft oh fuck okay write me personals please mmmm yeah that’s the spot.
Send personals to themedium.personals@gmail.com
AND
ED SHEERAN
COME ON BRO
MA NIGGA BARCHI
Okay okay, Ed Sheeran is HORRIBLE looking. Chicks actually wanna fuck him? Like you’re fucking kidding right? Red hair, ugly beard, I just don’t see what the appeal is. He kills it for everyone trying to look hot with a guitar.
To all the table organizations outside of Brower. Just stop. You make people feel uncomfortable and you give us another reason not to eat at Brower. If you want to do your community a service, stop getting in people’s way and help them cross the street instead.
To President Barchi. Please stop sending me emails. I didn’t even vote for you. Do you have friends???
(I mean he sings right, so I guess there’s that. He’s getting more pussy then you though so why you hating? Should be looking up to him. He is fucking ugly though.)
(Organizations? You mean “All BROS get outta my way I don’t wanna fuck you.”)
(Does he have friends? Does he? I don’t know? Yo Bob hit me up, email me here, and we’ll get coffee. Hidden Grounds Friday afternoon.) To Prez Barchi, Thank you for having Rutgers spend over $184,000 on a useless ugly sculpture instead of something worthwhile, such as parking decals that don’t rip the fuck up when you try to take them off.
To my best fucking friend, (I do like his new song with STOP FUCKING LYING T-Sizzle. Just thought I’d TO ME MOTHERFUCKFollow us at our new twitter handle ER. If I wanted a lying throw that in.) scum bag motherfucker @PersonalsRU as a friend I would go (Who do you sent Bob the ANALYZE THIS We follow back and will be tweeting fun to your ex that you com- link for the statue? You’re welcome.) In one of my English pletely played, asshole. shit all week. classes today, we spent 30 minutes on a one word (WHAT! Lie more! The IN THE SHOWER poem. If that doesn’t say doctor says it’s okay. Hey HEART BROKEN THE BEST FUCKING “Bullshit Degree” then if it keeps you outta trouble To the shower curtains PERSONAL...OF THE my class can probably and let’s you keep fuckin in North Tower. Why HOLD ON A SECOND, WEEK analyze it until it does. that girl two rooms downI won’t you close all the THEY REMOVED THE way? I don’t want these KING’S DINNER FROM To Doctor Tossed Salad. (You want me analyze say go for it.) guys getting a peek at me THE KNIGHT WAG- Where did you get your Bullshit for you, thats what shaving my balls. ON MENU!?!?!?! WHY degree and how can I get this fucking personal is you We did it guys! We found the backpage editor! THE FUCK WOULD one? (Yeah you know them freshknow that. It fucking sucks THEY DO THAT!!!! THE men just get a little curious I’m so fucking tired of havKING’S DINNER WAS (How do you get one? How ing to do this shit every fuck- (Oh Business Editor, you’re in there. You know ‘cause MY LIFE, MY PRIDE do you get one? Let me ask ing week. Read these person- not getting the fucking job. they wanna share shaving AND MY JOY. THEY you something. Are you an als, while I could be fucking Stop trying to act like your techniques....right?) HAVE RUINED ME. :( undisputed heavyweight some chick. Goddamnit I happy we found the editor, pimp? Can you cheat on can’t take it anymore. Well we all know you want the To the Livingston Dining (And so ends the ongoing your girl with her in the okay fine fine fine, this per- job. Take your happiness Hall staff. I respect you saga of the Turkey Leg. Let room? Can you make a cli- sonal was funny. Goodjob, and blow it out your ass.) guys, but please learn there be a moment of silence toris go illiterate? Hmmmm fuck English majors. Anahow to wash the fuckfor this, and if you hear a can you? CAN YOU? If lyze me dropping my balls ing utensils! Every fork I YEAH WHATEVER girl crying out in happiness you can then maybe we can in your mouth.) grab feels like someone’s during this silence, sorry I talk. Write back to me sexy. To Bon jovi, you clever spit is still dried on it..... couldn’t help myself.) And no I didn’t write this To the hot blonde on the girl. I had succeeded in Every. Single. Fork! personal myself, I really F bus. I saw you get on a avoiding you thus far Dear RUPA, 40 bucks for didn’t some fuck sent it in. REXL with me, but you but the moment I heard (Only adds to the flavor Newsies tickets and there #1 fan right there.) didn’t get on the next F wanted dead or alive I dude, come on. I bet you all were no tits! Are you at Jamison. How the fuck mistook you for a good were gonna expect me to say fucking kidding me! did you get to Biel road band. Luckily you made something about cum, nah HANDLES OF before me? the mistake of speaking we can do better then that. (They get you everytime When skinny girls go to That’s something people don’t they. First with OJ 16 Handles, I wonder if So i found this albino in that song and by your who write for The Targum whiney pre teen shrill I now this.) they actually buy any- asian girl on busch, and was able to ignore your would say.) i know there is an albino thing besides the cup. shitty music when I inSo I’ve been sitting next asian guy on busch as YOU KNOW YOU to this chick for the last (Our former News editor well. can we get them to- stinctually put on my headphones and start two classes, giving up went in there thinking it gether? it’s their destiny. HAVE NOTHING playing the foo fighters, a a good seat where I can was handles of something BETTER TO D0 actually see, to sit next to else. We’re gonna have to (Wait do they have white competent band. hair? Cause like they are (They are average AT BEST. her. she had looked good have a talk with him.) Come to our meeting all kinda pale. Except the Him and that fucker Springthe first class, nice face Wednesday in room and all, but today got a To the dude whos handle filipinos. Mmmmm filipinos stein. Like I get it they’re 120B in the BCC at glimse of the ass today I finished last week, dude goddamn I got that fever.) from Jersey, but it doesn’t 8pm. You see that 0 and sadly it was kinda it wasnt my fault, these mean they shit greatness. instead of an O. See chicks were drinking it FYI, REX buses are not flat. Goddamnit. Ok I was a little harsh on I think that’s funny, like it was water. sorry real. Bruce, but Bon Jovi just someone has to stop (Wait...you actually cared cannot be praised anymore me. Come join and take about the fucking face? You (Pssh yeah okay blame it (Didn’t you read my box? and they all need to have my job. on the pussy, classy. Selfish If you believe in the REX mean just the mouth right, their balls cut off.) asshole.) buses they will come.) that’s all that matters.) (YEAH BROWNS WON THIS WEEKEND IN FOOTBALL AND THE JETS, GIANTS, AND EAGLES LOST. Jets 13 Giants 7 Eagles 20 Bengals 6 FUCK YOU ALL. BRIAN Titans 38 Cheifs 31 Broncos 52 Browns 17 HOYER FOR MVP.)
THE BACK PAGE
Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013
“I’m sending the golden penis over.”
Time Sink:
Caption Contest!
Now that Breaking Bad is over, what will you devote countless hours of your day to? That’s right. MAZES. Here’s your first one:
What’s Shakin’
All day er’ry day at 167 Hamilton Party in Jon Kijne’s pants. There’s barely enough room for two. Tonight 8:00pm, @BCC rm120B Kickass Medium Meeting Yeah, it’s gonna be pretty awesome. Today 6pm @5 Mine Street Word and Spirit Night Alcohol? Ghosts? Scrabble? There’s only one way to find out... Thursday 3pm @International Center For Public Health- rbhs No Drugs for Bad Bugs We left out the second part of the event name on purpose. It keeps the mystery alive.
Last week we asked you why this guy was so damn happy. Our favorite response:
“He’s the salesman that sold Rut-
This shit is hard to do alone. Submit some fuckin’ games and shit. gers that ridiculous statue. Oh and
themedium.backpage@gmail.com POP QUIZ #2
By: Four Loki | Staff Writer
he used that $187,000 on that diamond studded bathtub you were talking about”
Yes.
Seeing Eye dogs are losing sight of what’s really important in life. This week’s photo is below. Submit a caption and your response might Is it: be featured in next week’s issue! A) Sex B) Looking cute on Instagram in order to please their human overlords C) The war against feline terrorism D) Leading blind people into oncoming traffic for shits and gig gles.
6 Ways To Identify Business Kids By: The Bus Kid | Staff Writer
1. Check if you’re on Livingston. If you’re on Livingston, chances are that everyone around you is either a freshman or a business student. Or even worse, both.
Proper Ways To Say Improper Things By: Sanik | Staff Writer
Ever needed to insert yourself into a polite conversation? The Medium’s got you covered.
2. They mention that they like the new busiImproper: “You have a boner” ness building. Seriously, it looks atrocious and it Proper: “Pardon me, you appear to be tenting” always will.
Improper: “So I was watching porn last night 3. The only bus stop they ever use is Livingston when...” Plaza. Ever since the new building came up, Proper: “Last night during my nightly pleasure most business kids have begun to forget that the session...” other two thirds of Livingston have ever existed.
Krupa’s Korner ERRYTHANG Fucking Pumpkin Spice
In honor of the first Wednesday in October, I decided to celebrate pumpkin spice errythang. ERRYTHANGGGG. my favorite Improper: “Cock-juggling thundercunt” 4. If you see someone dressed up for no reason, Proper: “Electrically charged, penis-twirling va pumpkin spicey things for the chances are you are probably looking at a busi- gina” month include: pumpkin spice ness student. No matter what you do, do not cupcakes, pumpkin spice cook compliment them on their outfit, or the suit ies, pumpkin spice cars, pumpkin they’re wearing will be the only one they’ll wear spice cars, pumpkin spice magazines, pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin spice confor the next two weeks. doms, pumpkin spice water, iPumpkin spice 5s, pumpkin spice 4g, pumpkin spice solo cup, pumpkin spice whiskey, pumpkin spice doughnut and more. I like to 5. The class they always bitch about being too have an open-mind when it comes to pumpkin spice. You can put pumpkin spice hard for them this semester is an elective. It’s on everything!!!!! I AM NOT KIDDING! I put pumpkin spice on my laptop the always an elective. An elective that they chose other day and it turned orange! I put pumpkin spice on my textbook and all the thinking that it would be a GPA booster. chapters turned into pumpkin spice recipes!! I put pumpkin spice on my boyfriend and he turned into a pumpkin!!!!! I put pumpkin spice on the Medium staff and 6. You’re on the only other campus that busithey all turned into pumpkins and now the Medium will be discontinued for the ness kids will be found on- College Avenue. rest of the year. I LOVEEEEE THIS SHIT. This only applies for weekends after 11PM and 3 beers.
ATTENTION
Submitter of ‘Breaking Balls,’ the beautifully-written piece of erotic literature that was sent in to us last weekPLEASE SUBMIT IT AGAIN. It has mysteriously vanished from our computers.