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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLVI Issue VII
OCTOBER 30th, 2013
I'M SO GOURD
PUMPKIN COSTUME ACTUALLY LOOKS MORE LIKE A GOURD
Cucurbita family as the Pumpkin, however his lumpy, off-color depiction “kinda looked more like a gourd,” every passerby surely thought to themselves. Made in Indonesia, this cheap attempt at traditional Halloween imagery shamed everyone involved. Even in the dark confines of the fall-themed soiree, inebriated women were visibly unimpressed by the errant effort on the part of Robinson. His gut, a magic carriage only for beer, in any fall festival size competition would have been a viable contender save for the fact that it was clearly not, in fact, a pumpkin. The inappropriate misjudgment of autumn winter squash is an avoidable occurrence, one that any respectable Rutgers University student should be better than to replicate.
BY GODIVA'S MAN BITCH EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ-- College Avenue resident and third year student Marty Robinson attended a Halloween-themed get together this past weekend, dressed in what he believed was an accurate artistic portrayal of the ever popular cultivar of squash known as the pumpkin. These variations of Cucurbita pepo are round, with smooth, slightly ribbed skin and deep yellow to orange coloration, and heir thick shell contains seeds and pulp. Much to the dismay of partygoers and anyone with average, even casual knowledge of basic flora, Robinson’s costume probably should have been labeled “Adult-sized Gourd Suit”. The idiot Robinson more aptly portrayed a plant in the same
I WANT TO GET CHOCOLATE WASTED
Hershey Recalls Candies Containing Heroin
BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NEWS EDITOR
HERSHEY, PA – Hershey announced the largest recall in the company’s prestigious history due to the higher than average amount of heroin present in their recent shipment of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Heroin is considered one of the most highly addictive opiates in the nation, responsible for a majority of illegal substance abuse in many hospital clinics. Hershey was first alerted of this contamination when they received increased sale of Reese’s at retailers of intercity areas. Upon examination of their product, executives ordered the immediate recall of all Reese’s brands, stating that the candies contain above the standard concentration that is used in production. Hershey CEO Charles Glasgae spoke to the press on Tuesday to address the turmoil caused by the over contamination. “Here at Hershey, we pride ourselves on producing
ABOVE: A victim dead too young BELOW: A suspicious looking bowl of candy
only the most family friendly treats for customers to eat obsessively,” said Glasgae. “We have examined our recent production and decided that the heroin contained in our candies is greater than what we are willing to allow.” While the recall curtailed the distribution of the tainted Reese’s, many unfortunate customers fell victim to the illicit drugs and became addicted. Among some of the victims include those in attendance at last Friday’s ‘Monster Mash’, which normally creates a safe environment for children to trick-ortreat. Many of the children under the influence of the heroin Reese’s were found passed out all over the Cook Recreation Center and obsessively stroking the Seeing Eye puppies. Students and locals alike are currently attending addiction counseling centers in New Brunswick to help them avoid ‘riding on the peanut butter barracuda.’
Honoring Hump Day SInce 1970
50¢ QUICKIES
College Ave. To Be Closed on Friday for Walk of Shame 5K Sexy Telephone Most Popular Costume; "I'd Tap That," Says US Government Mother Regrets Hurricane Sandy Hook-Up While Changing Diaper of Her 3-Month Old Child Woman Calls Someone a Bitch, Then Immediately Sympathizes With Her Brower Announces Dick Sauce for Salad Sexy "Sexy Halloween Costume" Costume Does Not Count as Real Clothing Ugly Douche Still Cannot Get Hookup Despite 7 to 1 Party Ratio LX Luther to Enter Battle With Superman Stan Fraternity Tanktop clearly spells out "Jabroni" Local Taser Swears It Does not See Color Only 40% of Women have Tried Anal and liked it.
the Medium
NEWS
Wednesday, October 30th, 2013
“You're my friends now. We're having soft tacos later."
IF ONLY! PLEASE!
TOTALLY WINNING
The Medium Comes in First Scarlet Knights Dress as At Bed Races, Wins Better Football Team for 17,000 Diapers Halloween BY JUST THE TIP NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – Much to the dismay of fat-asses The Medium, Rutgers premier newspaper and creator of all things magnificent, won last Thursday's bed race. The Medium most certainly did not crash their bed.
A student-run publication with a staff of Goddesses and He-Men, The Medium had the top speed in the first round, among fifty-six entrants from clubs throughout the University. For the first time in the competition's six year history, a team was able to come in first in all four categories: speed, decorations and number of diapers donated. Teams were required to donate at least 300 diapers to enter. In the second round, The Medium had a flawless run. A spokesperson for RUPA, who ran the event, said it was the best run in the competition's history and certainly did not end with a flipped bed at the finish line.
"I'm really impressed with the way we ran, especially considering less than half of the team wasn't high off crystal meth," said team leader Scott McFunnyguy. "It's obvious we had the best times today and our bed didn't even come close to flipping, resulting in paramedics trying to attend to our teammate on the bed." To the victor go the spoils and The Medium has many ideas with what to do with the diapers they took home as a result of their win. "Honestly, I'm just happy we were able to come out with many other clubs and organizations that personally hate us," said team member Michelle Hilarious. "It was nice for one night that they only spit on us briefly and only a few of the meaner organizations on campus that we've wronged threw eggs at us." When asked for comment about the newspaper's victory, Rutgers President Robert Barchi said, "I fucking hate those guys."
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
DUI... MORE LIKE DUBONER
Rutgers Athletic Controversies Nearly Ready for BIG TEN BY: UNDERSEXED NEWS EDITOR
HAVE NEWS ARTICLES? SEND THEM IN TO themedium.news@ gmail.com. our meetings are wednesday 8pm at the bcc, room 120b. watch us drink away our frustrations.
Editorial Staff Fall 2013
"WE ARE ALL ABOUT GIVING BACK WHATEVER WE GET" The once quite organization surprised the community with their charity towards the Middlesex Mud Run to benefit victims of hemorrhoids.
Stewart Hallman Devin Baker
Yagnesh Patel Rob the Sun God
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – While the rest of the university has pretty much prepared itself for the transition into the Big 10 conference, the athletic department is still running around trying to wrap up loose ends, specifically in the scandal department. Only the best state school’s athletic departments are littered with scandal, such as the University of Illinois and Penn State; however Rutgers has been slow as of late in lowering its reputation amongst other athletic departments. Thankfully, one player managed to step up and help the cause late last Sunday. Nadir Barnwell, the starting cornerback for the Scarlet Knights, was arrested for a DUI after refusing News Editors Michael Vincent Michael Lazaropoulos Features Editor Leif Tornberg Opinions Editor Eli Youssef Arts Editor Lisa Mathews Personals Editors Adam Romatowski Justin Lesko
frantic offers from his friends and fellow athletes for a ride home. Barnwell seemed happy with his decision as well, as he was giggling through hiccups as he was escorted into head coach Kyle Flood’s car. Flood openly congratulated the smashed Barnwell after bailing him out of the New Brunswick County Courthouse. “You took one for the team,” he lauded. “I was hoping one of the basketball players would be caught with weed or something, but this works too.” Many within the University also praised the negative PR move by the football team, as they wish nothing more than for Rutgers to fulfill its reputation as caring as little as possible for the well-being of its student athletes. Back Page Editor Sasha Romayev Copy Editors Lisa Mathews Lesly Kurian Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Sasha Romayev Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Tiny Nipples
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to sex jokes, Shakespeare and real gourds.
Wednesday, October 30th, 2013
FEATURES
the Medium
“Mona = lamesauce”
MONA
Things That Shouldn’t be Pumkin Spiced POKEMON LEAF GREEN MONA IS STILL LAME
NO ONE
Are You Confused or Aroused? I’ll let you decide whether these costumes are confusing or arousing
1. Nipple Tassles - “That new stripper smell” 2. Nunchucks - “Pumpkin spice- in yo face!” 3. Scissors - “Cut into some scent!” 4. Contact Lenses - “Eye see some pumpkin!” 5. Chipotle - “Pumpkin with integrity” 6. Suits - “That pumpkin style” 7. Gatorade - “Quench your inner pumpkin” 8. Sushi - “You eat pumpkin now!”
9. AC adapters - “Power your pumpkin - with pumpkin!” 10. Perfume - “Smell the pumpkin, be the pumpkin”
LOVES YOU (EXCEPT MAYBE JUAN)
Breaking Balls Part 2
BY HEISENBULGE AND EDWARD VAN YOLOSTEIN PEEBLES
Upon tasting the finished product, Walt proclaimed, “This is 99 percent pure, it would be great syrup on Walt Junior’s pancakes.” But it was a long time since Walt tasted Jesse’s breakfast batch. There was a period of their lives where they “made Walt Junior pancakes” twice, maybe three times a week. Skylar was getting suspicious on Walt’s trail. She demanded to know what was going on, so Walt used his old alias, Heisenbulge and lied. He led Skylar to believe he was still in the meth cooking business, when in reality, he and Jesse settled down to a life of “after school detention” for being “bad chemistry students.” Skylar believed it, as Walt had millions of dollars from the DVD series they had costarred in, “Breaking Butts”. To throw off police from what Skylar thought was Walt’s meth empire, she purchased a car wash. This excited Walt, because every time he saw the soapy, foamy cars, he thought of the soapy foamy mess that was all over the interior of the RV. To Skylar’s dismay, this made Walt disappear even more. Hank was also having his suspicions. He was going to stop a convoy transporting bootleg versions of Walt’s DVDs. At this point, Jesse had retired his fire hose, and the two had grown apart. Sources of intelligence led Walt to think that Jesse was going to come with members of the Westboro Baptist Church to burn a stash of his “Animal Planet” DVDs. In response, Walt called his cavalry of actors to defend the stash from eternal damnation. To Walt’s horror, only Hank was there. But it was too late. The actors were already so accustomed to shooting men in the face; they instantly fired their pants cannons right at Hank’s head. All of Hank’s air passages were cut off, and no amount of Sudafed could clear it up. He died peacefully.
SPOKEN WORD A SPOKEN WORD POEM As told by Godiva’s Manbitch I’m gonna to throw pumpkin spice on my D, and all the hipster bitches will get on their knees.
HALLOWEINER
Monkey Decides to Dress up as A Banana What is more typical than dressing up as your favorite food? Primates aren’t very creative.
UGLY THING OF WEEK
CUTE THING OF WEEK
the Medium I’M SO SORRY
OP/ED
Wednesday, October 30th, 2013
“Op/ed has been outsourced to a foreign country due to production costs and a lazy-ass editor.”
I’m Trying My Best. Lay the Fuck Off. BY HEALTHCARE.GOV
This is really embarrass- ing. I’ve been trying to get in ing. I’m really sorry that I’m to see a therapist, but it’s renot a simple and easy to use ally hard. I’m on a tight budwebsite, that’s just how I was get supporting myself with made. I’m not in control of my advertisements, and I can’t competency, I’m not the one really pay for it right now. programing this It’s really hard to shit. You really find some affordhave to lay the “I just can’t afford able care. Maybe fuck off. I get if the Republicans stressed when to see a therapist.” would just lay people get angry off, I could spare at me. I just... I the cost -- and the just have a lot of feelings ok, time -- to go see a doctor. But and I haven’t been feeling for now, I just can’t afford to well lately. see a therapist. Despite what you peoIt’s really hard to cope ple may think, us computer with all the demand and critprograms have emotions. I icism. I have to keep a smilmean, just look at Skynet. ing face while providing a All of this abuse is taking a service. I’m sure you college toll on me. I’m sending and students can understand. For receiving packets on all the this reason, I must ask you all wrong ports. I know I have is- to vote “Yes!” in the NJPIRG sues, but the stress isn’t help- Referendum.
PUMPKIN SPICE MIGHT BE A EUPHEMISM. MAYBE?
I Am Addicted to Pumpkin Spice. I Need Help.
BY JOAN GOURD I am Joan ended. It only got worse from Gourd and I there. My hunger could not be have a cripsated, each day I would need pling addicmore and more to be satisfied. tion to pump- First it started with pumpkin kin spice flavoring. It all started pies, then I moved on to muftwo years ago. It was completely fins. Eventually I had to resort harmless, or at least I thought it to extreme measures. I started was completely harmless. Just a blending my own perfect pumpkin spice cookie, nobody’s spice, baking it into my own been hurt by a cookie they told custom goods, but even that me. How wrong they were. That wasn’t enough. one delicious cookie set me on a I started cutting up my path of pure self destruction and pumpkin spice blends and spite... and spice. My first taste of snorting them. It was the only pumpkin spice was alright. It was way I could feel. I remember tasty, most cookies are, but I didn’t days where I would run out think anything special of it. But a of nutmeg. Those days were day later, I felt an emptiness inside the darkest. Even that wasn’t of me. An emptiness that could enough, though. Now I am on not be filled... Except with pumpa constant pumpkin spice latte kin spice. drip, directly injecting myself I remember rushing to the with a steady stream of my store and buying a pumpkin pie. I fix, but I can’t do it anymore thought I would take my time, but I’m going to die like this, cold, the pie was gone before the day alone, and spiced. I need help.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
INTELLIGENT ARGUMENT REGARDING ISRAEL AND PALESTINE
BY JEWS AND PALESTINIANS I may not be Jewish or Palestinian, but I do have something to say. I’ve been watching the arguments back and forth in the past few weeks’ newspapers, and I’ve decided to spread my opinion. Most of my argument is logical and in keeping with my position. I also have some general comments regarding SJP and their eviction notices. Even though this was roughly two weeks ago, some people are still upset over this clever marketing tactic. It is for this reason I bring up the topic again and further prevent it from dying. As an opinionated student, I am of the firm belief that my Op-Ed in a student-run newspaper will solve an international conflict that has been extant since the mid 20th century. Because I’m taking 01:790:102, I know that I’m extremely qualified to speak on the topic of international relations. It is for this reason I wish to have the last word and be celebrated as the savior of the Middle East -- even though tomorrow’s issue will probably print an article from the other side. I can sleep well knowing that in my head, I’ve finally solved the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
HOLY SHIT JUST STOP WHINING BY EVERYONE ELSE
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I have HAD IT with these MOTHERFUCKING opinions in these MOTHERFUCKING newspapers. First of all, lets get shit straight here: this is NOT the Targum. This is the MEDIUM. Take your bitch-ass arguments elsewhere. Furthermore, NOBODY REALLY CARES. People stop reading at the title. They know what to expect. Hell, a friend at the Targum told me they reserve a column on the Opinions page for Israeli/Palestine articles. They even call it the “Gaza Strip.” The Gaza Fucking Strip. It’s come down to puns, that’s what it’s come down to. Everybody is SICK and TIRED of all this goddamn whining. Lets all just MOVE THE FUCK ON, and go back to printing articles on shit that actually MATTERS, like saltwater taffy.
UNIVERSITY VOICES
How do you feel about the performance by Rutgers at the homecoming game? “要經得起任何機 會，在Big Ten明年， 我們將需要一個四 分衛.” Jian Xi, Foreign Student
“Thank you Gary Nova for passing us the ball! Clarence Ryan, Houston Cougar
“I’m just mad that my roommate came back too soon from the game since he was too disappointed in them.” John Godiva, Caught jerking off by roommate
ARTS
Wednesday, October 30th, 2013
“This is genuine shout-out to PH Admin Prof. Jones: God bless you for accepting my late term paper. Bless you.”
the Medium
BADLY MISUNDERSTOOD COSTUMES - PROFESSOR XXX KKK Initiate
bag of balls
Cocaine addict
GANGSTAS DON’T RUN - MICHAEL INTERRANTE
Monday, October 07, 2013
stripper
8:29 PM
BUG CATCHER DENDA - MC CLAPYOTTAND2
Emilo! Run from the fire! Nah man.
Real gangsta’s don’t run for shit.
PROFESSOR XXX’S GIVING YOU A FREE PASS TO CUT CLASS TOMORROW. GET SEXY OR HAVE AN AMUMU HALLOWEEN-YOU CHOOSE I’M NOT YOUR MOM.
Quick Notes Page 1
THINK OF THE CHILDREN - IT WAS KRUPA I BET
so cruel
PERSONALS
the Medium
Wednesday, October 30th, 2013
“Go in hard, come out wet.”
CACTUS
HOUSE PARTY
WHITE GIRLS
RODENT OF THE WEEK RETURNS
To my friend’s roommate: I can’t believe you have a cactus so far up your twat that you can’t take a simple joke. I suggest you either lighten up or get gassed in a chamber, bitch.
Dude who wouldn’t let us into a party with a two to one ratio: No offense, but you’re a complete scrub. Letting more girls into your party won’t help you much anyway; you’ll just get rejected by more of them. In fact, you should be trying to let as many dudes in as possible so when you fail to get ass you’ll have an excuse.
I secretly judge white girls that use paper towels instead of the hand dryer after washing their hands. I mean come on save the environment bitches.
This week’s rodent of the week is the simple mouse, and not just any mouse. It’s the mouse that lives in your apartment. That little shadow you see run across your kitchen at night, that’s these guys. So listen for them the next time you’re sending in your personals to: themedium.personals.com and check out @PersonalsRU.
(Yes, but be festive and wish them a gourd in the twat for the Autumn. Unless, you’re in Arizona, then always threaten twats with cacti.)
CLASS To the girl in my physics lecture who asks 9 questions a day: can you fucking stop? Everyone hates it. If you watch closely, you’ll notice the professor banging her head against her desk each time you raise your hand.
(I think the same thing. Then the girl sees me in the bathroom with my camera and I think I have to run as fast as I can.)
INDIAN GIRLS
(That was my party and the girls were actually the prob- The Indian girls in front lem. It was two guys for ev- of me at the football ery girl, duh ya ass.) game only talked about leaving and getting food the whole time they were YEAH BRO!!!! there. Then left in the To the girl who held the second quarter. You just door open for me. That wasted someones ticket ass with that hair. Just that wanted to go to the the perfect length to grab game you stupid bitches. hold of while I hit it from (Yeah but....Gary Nova.) behind.
(The only person worse than that girl in class is the middle-aged woman that asks nine questions and brings (Yeah, she was nice enough to hold the door open and up stories about her kids.) get out of your way before she threw up at the sight of LUNCH LADY you.) To the dining hall lady who keeps checking me Awkward moment when out: We get it; I’m a sexy prof talks about dumb dude. But that flirtatious answer a student put for smile and sexy “you’re a problem and you’re welcome” just isn’t go- that person. Glad I’m not ing to cut it anymore. I’m that guy. going to need some more action to take this to a (That awkward moment when you send in a personal new level, so get to it. that doesn’t make any fuck(Oh yeah you’re about to ing sense.) get that Sloppy Joe hook-up. DEEP THOUGHTS Make them extra sloppy.)
THE MEDIUM MEETS TONIGHT 8:00 PM IN ROOM 120B AT THE BUSCH CAMPUS CENTER. WE WILL BE DISCUSSING NEXT YEAR’S BED RACE ALREADY BECAUSE WE ARE COMING BACK FOR REVENGE THROUGH ANY MEANS HOT STUFF
If you’re a guy trying to Lesson of the day: “If pull off business casual BRRRRRRRR you’re not a flower, bees and you wear a white t-shirt under a collared don’t care about you.” To my fuckin dumb ass white shirt, and I can see landlord. It’s 30 degrees (Yeah, I’m high right now it, then you look fucking in the house, put the heat too.) ridiculous. on!!! We’re not in India or whatever the fuck coun- I told my sister that I (I prefer to wear no shirt try you’re from asshole have hash and she didn’t under so you can see my believe me. LOL! nipples. When it gets cold enough, they look like bright pink Hershey kisses.) ELEPHANTS PLAYING BASEBALL? Why are clacky boots a thing? I get so distracted when a girl walks by and her boots go “CLACKCLACK-CLACKCLACK.” (Clack-clack-clack-clack, that’s what the boots say. In all seriousness, I’d rather be knocking boots than clacking them.) (Elephants playing baseball. Still better than the Mets.)
I fucked a girl last Friday. On Saturday, I found her tampon next to my bed.
BIRDS
SCUM LIFE
When I enter the living room, my bird flies away from its perch just as quickly as a man closes his porn tab when he hears footsteps.
I’m sorry for stealing that bottle of Traveler’s club from a party the other night.
(Do people with birds have to watch a lot of porn cause no one wants to be around them?)
CRAP Just because people are full or crap doesn’t mean you can’t hang out with them! Heck, I’m full of crap and I hang out with myself! (Sounds like no one wants to be around you. Do you own a bird by any chance?)
(You’re sorry because you had to drink Traveler’s Club, not because of your grand theft vodka offense.)
MORE CRAP Stop texting me girl!!!! You fucked up and fifteen texts in an hour aren’t gonna change that!!! The Medium’s bed race team can race to my bed any night. ;) To any girls snapchatting me, TITS OR GTFO. Ya hear me guys?
ADVERTISE WITH US!
Eighth Page (~20 in2) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $45 Quarter Page (~40 in2) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $75 Half Page . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$120 Full Page . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$180 Story Written as Ad . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ask Us Webpage Banner . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$30/week The Medium is The Entertainment Weekly of Rutgers University. Place an ad in this very popular student-run paper and reach up to 35,000 students throughout the New Brunswick and Piscataway area. 2,000 issues are published every Wednesday and are delivered to all four campuses. This is a great opportunity for your student organization or business to get its name out to the public! Email interests to business@rutgersmedium.com *In addition to prints, all issues are available on our website: www.rutgersmedium.com Frequent Buyer Discount!
Wednesday, October 30th, 2013
PERSONALS
the Medium
“British Dave! British Dave.”
BUCKETS
What did I learn this weekend? Buckets. Chicks dig Buckets. How did I not figure this out before like shit it’s so simple but genius. It was beautiful. Anyway if you figure out what I’m talking about send in what you think this means. Go, I fucking dare you. You fucking pussy. Send me some personals this week yo. Like this shit is kinda easy, but I actually do care about what you have to tell me...pssh yeah fucking right I’m Doctor Tossed Salad and I’m here to fucking say... Admiral Fruit Salad is gone! themedium.personals@gmail.com Follow us at our new twitter handle @PersonalsRU HIPSTER J(ACKASS) I let bike riders pass all the time when I am walking on the sidewalk, and I always keep a lookout when they are behind me. I do that because I know how they fucking feel! I was cycling back today, I saw this Asian military person. He was kinda in my way, but he noticed me and he stepped away from the sidewalk onto the grassy terrain. Grateful, I am. I apologized and thanked him for doing so. He just nods and smiles, and told me to have a nice day. I was happy to know that sharp and considerate people still exist. People I pass by everyday are seriously lost, inconsiderate, blur, ungrateful little dumb fuckcunts. They walk, yes, and talk with their friends, then walk in a horizontal row to block everyone else who wants to go faster. Little shits alone who with their headphones, and even without them, they still can’t see and feel u coming. I can rob them easily. Pay more attention to where you are going, you stupid fags and your gigantic headphones. The worst ones are those who know you’re coming and think pedestrians deserve the ultimate respect, making us make a huge turn, risking a bad accident in order to go around them. They just continue walking slowly and fuck up my whole momentum. Don’t play inertia with me yo, my mass is huge and I can squish you if u make me fall. Dumb little shits, you’re messing with a Malaysian KL driver here. I think all these little fuckcunts should all go to the military to learn to be more street smart and considerate to people who bike.
MEGA DICK
DEAR MEDIUM
MORE BUS SHIT
To the girl on my floor that keeps asking to borrow everyone’s 3DS, go away! No one cares that you have to play your animal crossing game, my pokemon need to grind. How else am I going to be the very best if you keep trying to jack my 3DS? Just get your own and leave my pokemon alone. My eevee won’t evolve at this rate if you keep taking my game and without an umbreon I can’t be a badass and fuck over mega alakazam. In case you haven’t noticed he has five spoons of death and he’s not even holding them!
To the medium production team, I left my sweatshirt in your room when I was drunk at homecoming because I didn’t feel like carrying it, and I kind of figured that would be the last place thieves would look. I like that one though so if you find it, can you please put it in the cabinet with the hot sauce for safekeeping? I’ll be back someday to claim it. Love, An alumni Ps- the fuck is TRIM?
To the guy who straight up said “No” to the bitch asking if we could make room on the bus. Good job dude. Proud of you. (Yeah whatever.) To the bitch across from me on the bus talking on the phone, enough with the fucking laughing. I can’t take that high pitch yelping anymore. Damn I picked the wrong day to forget my headphones. (Oh just shut the fuck up damnit!)
YEAH (We have it, maybe you’ll get it back. You know af- Why are caucasian peoter we all take turns hav(Mega Gengar is fucking ing sex on top of it and ple racist against asians. lame. But Mega Abomas- blow our loads in the hood. Aren’t they just the same people but with cocks? now and Gyarados are fuck- Mmmhhm yes.) ing badass. And enough with the fucking animal Dear Doctor Tossed Sal- (The only asians that count crossing already this is two ad, So where exactly does in the world are the cute weeks in a row it’s been on a prune come from? They ones, preferably the ones this page and I’m fucking are not giant grapes are without cocks.) tired of it. If you like that they? I was sitting by a fire this game go jump in front of a (They are actually plums. weekend and was pretty EE.) deflated, and next thing Can you believe that shit.) I know I was covered Dude who wouldn’t let in ash. It was like I was us into a party with a two TURNOVA fucking Pompei. to one ratio: No offense, but you’re a complete To Gary Nova: I think scrub. Letting more girls you officially suck hard- (Damn how about that into your party won’t er than a drunk fat chick shit.) help you much anyway; with daddy issues on a I can’t believe I actually you’ll just get rejected Thursday night at a frat considered sleeping in a by more of them. In fact, house. I look forward to tent this weekend. Yes it you should be trying to seeing you as my Allstate was gonna be for a good let as many dudes in as agent sometime soon. reason, but fuck I’m glad possible so when you fail Get the fuck outta Rut- I didn’t. Below Freezing to get ass you’ll have an gers!!!! yo. excuse. (Those are my kind of chicks (Do you really want to go don’t give them to that (Yeah man idk anymore.) to a party with a 2:1 ratio? douchebag. God I hate him.) CUM TO OUR Wait, I’ll give you credit, MEETING TONIGHT you were just gonna get So apparently Chas Dodd some drinks and leave.... is gonna start next week IN THE BCC @ 8 right...if you’re gonna be and save the world, until PM IN ROOM 120B. on my page that’s what you Nova gets done sucking IT WILL BE FUN I Flood off, and then he is better have planned.) GUESS. going back in the game. To the douche-nozzle who claimed that Indian kids can’t get white REAL AIR BUD QUOTES pussy: I’m knee deep in pussy as smooth as vanilla pudding, you fuckin fuck. I suggest you STFU or I’ll feed you foreskin nuggets for breakfast.
Education makes you a stupid and inconsiderate little fuckcunt, but the military... OH THE MILITARY!!! It makes you a better person. (Oh here we go Indian Boy trying to act tough. Listen (I actually feel ya with these bike fucks. They almost run dude you’re not getting any you over when you’re walking to class. And their little hel- white pussy. And if your are mets and their little outfits and god I fucking hate them. I they must be fucking busted. just wanna push them over when they pass me like “take How do I know? Cause you that bitch.” Oh wait you’re a biker...oh well then I guess sound like the dudes, excuse I should apoligize? I actually didn’t read your whole per- me bitches, who walk down sonal. And no one will. If someone does then they have no college ave in groups of 10 life. Yeah I’m talking to you who’s still down here reading indian guys sneak into a 2:1 “Go Away I Don’t Want You Anymore Air Bud You Fuck” this comment. Why are you still reading? STOP IT.) ratio. Tell me I’m wrong.)
THE BACK PAGE
“This week’s page is dedicated to Cage the Elephant’s newest album.”
Caption Contest!
And the winner of last week’s caption contest is....
What’s Shakin’
November 1st 8:00 PM Dancing With Deans. Grind with the greatest.
Tonight 8:00pm, @BCC rm120B Spooooky Medium Meeting It’s gonna be soooooo spoooooooooky. You can tell by all the O’s I used Friday 3pm @Front of the RSC The Machine Jesse Green Scarlet Knight Chainsaw Sculpture Chainsaws. Wood. The Scarlet Knight. No, this isn’t the kinky dream you had last night. It’s a guy carving our school mascot using a chainsaw. Be there.
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Wednesday, October 30th, 2013
POP QUIZ #5
By: Four Loki | Staff Writer
Whenever I read stories in the Targum about people overcoming personal struggles and becoming successful, I: A) Wallow in sadness because of my pathetic human existence B) Feed the Targum to my seeing-eye dog C) Make a powerpoint about the article and present it during my biochemistry lecture D) Don’t give a shit E) Go ahead and intercept Garry Nova to feel better about myself
Krupa’s Corner Kid-friendly Halloween treats
“Never do LSD on Halloween”
Shrooms are okay though.
But before you go out drowning yourself in shots and doing umentionable things this Halloween, make sure to send us a caption for this week’s image. themedium.backpage@gmail.com. Hit us up.
University Opinions
This week we’re going to try something new. We pose a question, you send us your thoughts on the matter. This week’s featured question: What are the Top 3 Buses at Rutgers New Brunswick?
BK
Snuggie
LX: Oh you missed the LX? Don’t worry there’s another one. Oh hey is that Stan?
Weekend 1: It’s so versatile, stops at every single campus. Plus, the arrival times will keep you in suspense for hours.
B: The second most-often appearing bus. And it’s the quickest way between the two most populated campuseswhat more can you ask for? H: Very useful bus. Either this or the A should be in everybody’s top 3.
We live in a college town where some minimonsters actually go around trick-or-treating despite the abundance of safety warnings. If your frat house gets a knock on the door from a green Power Ranger, here are a few things you can hand out that, while not candy, are close enough! M&Ms/Skittles-Ecstasy Almond Joys/Mounds- Piña Colada or just rum Twizzlers- Red Absinthe Pop Rocks- Stones Nerds- Molly Tootsie Roll- Hash Brownies Gummy Bears- Gummy Bears marinated in watermelon Smirnoff Big Red Gum/Hot Tamales- Fireball Whiskey Candy Cigarettes- Real Cigarette or Blunt Red Vines- Red Wine Smarties- Roofies Milk Duds- Kahlua Pixie Stix- Crack/Cocaine Reese’s Pieces- PCP Junior Mints/York Peppermint Patties- Deodorant Cotton Candy- Oxycotin Candy Corn-Expired Pop Corn Jelly Beans- Jello Shot
Weekend 2: Not nearly as good as the Weekend 1, but hey, the H doesn’t stop at New Gibbons. D: Where does the D go? Anywhere you want it to go, girl.
Next week’s topic: Top 3 make-out spots at Rutgers New Brunswick. Best submissions will be featured in next week’s issue.
Gary Nova Posters- A Commentary By: Anime Hair | Staff Writer
As I left John Oliver’s show Saturday night, I couldn’t help but notice these beautifully renditioned posters. Not only did I feel pride for the author’s sheer passionate rage at our team’s homecoming game performance, I also felt a sense of flattery that one man would use our very own Medium material as “inspiration.” I caught up with the guy, who was still in the process of taping these posters up. I asked if he’d been inspired to do this all by himself, or if this was more of a group effort. He straightened, turned to me, and with a thousand yard stare said to me in slow, droning monotone, “Gary Nova sucks.” Indeed, a great pioneer of social commentary. Indeed, he does.