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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume xl Issue V
50¢
OCTOBER 7th, 2009
FINANCES
RUSA THROWS MASSIVE ALLOCATIONS PARADE TO CREATE FUTURE LEADERS BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
COLLEGE AVENUE—After a close call with some charges of money laundering and nepotism, The Rutgers University Student Assembly (RUSA) threw a massive “Allocations Parade” this past Saturday. The group cites that the parade was a “pragmatic attempt to experientially train future thinkers,” and was absolutely worth the $102 million “I love in- paid for it. R U S A spiring acts Chairman Werner Born of wanton wholeheartedly agrees. spending” “We represent you, Rutgers,” he said at a sumGREG SCHIANO Douchebag mit yesterday. “We’re thinking, what would Greg Schiano do? Blow $102 million on a frivolous eyesore?” No expense was spared this weekend. Attractions ran the gamut, from pop-icon Kanye West performing the acoustic version of “Heartless” to the four live white tigers ridden by Amazon pygmy-men. “We took inspiration from China’s 60th anniversary pa-
THE MARCH OF DIMES rade,” added Born. “We almost got ten Dongfeng 21-c nuclear missiles approved by the Allocations Board, but the money had already been spent on the live porn float.” Attendees of the parade
...and dolla dolla bills, yall
numbered in the thousands. If you missed it, it’s because you clearly forgot to read your “Get Involved: Events and Opportunities” listserv e-newsletter, idiot. Should you disagree with the way RUSA spends its money, suck it.
BELLIGERENT CHICAGO TO HOST ITS OWN 2016 OLYMPICS BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES STAFF WRITER
CHICAGO, IL—Those who would rather watch the 2016 Olympics in a city of greasy pizza, greasy men, and drugs—rather than a city of sexy bodies, sexy beaches, and drugs—will now get their wish. During a press conference yesterday, a emotional, teary-eyed President Obama surprised the world with an announcement of his intentions to dissociate from the Olympics Committee and hold an exclusively U.S. event. “You know what Lincon and I have in common?” asked Obama. “We’re both ballerass presidents, and we’re both from Chicago. Chicago needs this; America needs this; and most importantly, I need this.” Most public officials are on board with the idea. Said South Carolina governor Mark Sanford, “We’re letting the great Teddy Roosevelt’s legacy live on. I shudder to think what the world would be like if the United States stopped fucking with Latin American countries.” Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell agrees. “The U.S. should not patronize the world Olympics,” he says, “and those damn Brazilians are gonna mess up everything anyways. They’ll stick to events only they can win, like watching how high you can bounce
IT’S U.S. AGAINST THE WORLD a coin off their bikini-clad asses.” Viewers who cannot tolerate the extensive Opening Ceremonies will be delighted to know that the U.S. Olympics will have a greatly reduced roster on the Parade of Nations, consisting solely of the U.S. America is expected to be the powerhouse nation in the U.S. Olympics, sweeping the medal podium in all events. To emphasize the superiority of this Olympics, the tra-
Shotty we win!
ditional bronze, silver, and gold will be replaced with gold, “golder,” and “goldliest.” Rather than play the National Anthem as medals are awarded, organizers will play “We are the Champions” at a high-decibel volume loud enough to carry overseas and be audible in Brazil. Michael Phelps commented that he’d rather go to the Brazilian Olympics, because he’s “pretty sure he left his bong in Rio.”
Doin’ the dirty work for you! ESTABLISHED 1970
TRANSPORTATION
Student becomes newest bus driver. BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER AND TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITERS
or students around Rutgers, findF ing ways to pay for tuition and living expenses is a constant struggle. The university normally offers in-house jobs such as working the dining halls or monitoring the computer labs. Due to the recent overwhelming demand for jobs, student applicants are more and more often finding themselves kicked to the street, and possibly in the face. SAS Junior Ryan Hendricks, however, has been lucky enough to secure a job on the street as the university’s first student bus driver. He has been hired by Academy Bus Lines, the company responsible for providing transportation around campus. According to Hendricks, he is the daytime driver for the EE bus which goes between the College Avenure and Cook/Douglass campuses. The first week on the job for Hendricks has been intriguing, to say the least. Despite the fact that he controls his travel to his Cook/Douglass classes, he still finds himself 15 minutes late wherever he goes. “It works out pretty well, except that god damn EE driver takes a fucking 5 minute break for no reason at the Passion Puddle stop!” Hendricks told reporters while taking his 5 minute break at Passion Puddle. “Like right now! The asshole bus driver just made me late to class because he is jerking off or something! Unbelievable.” Hendricks then climbed back into his driver’s seat, wrote something down on his little notepad, carefully put on his fingerless driving gloves and proceeded to take the EE towards his next stop at the Nabisco Food Science building. In an ironic twist, Hendricks now finds that he enjoys pissing off as many students as possible while going about his bus route despite being a student himself. “If they have any problems with me, I just scream at them to get off the wheel well or get behind the yellow line,” Hendricks said excitedly. “If they give me any lip after that, BAM! I five minute break their ass!” Students looking for employent are welcome to apply in person at the Department of Transportation, located at 95 Senior street. Bring three forms of ID, and a condom.
THE MEDIUM
NEWS
Wednesday, October 7th, 2009
“You don’t really speak Latin anymore”
UNIVERSITY
FASHION
COACH SCHIANO CALLS FOR UNIFORMS MADE ENTIRELY OF HUNDRED DOLLAR BLLS BY TYPWRITER MONKEY STAFF WRITER
GEEK RUSH WEEK!
Play hard while you work hard
Rutgers librarians collect make bank during midterm rush week. BY E.C. BLOOD N’ GUTS STAFF WRITER
ALEXANDER LIBRARY—As the midterm rush goes into full swing, librarians across Rutgers will be manning the doors collecting money. A cover charge of five dollars affords unlimited book use, with many book types available in both hard and soft varieties. While met with much criticism, librarians claim the fees had to be instituted in anticipation of a high turnout. The library system cites that “the number of students interested in acing their midterms” is on the rise. Rush began last Monday for the 32 members of the Rutgers Interlibrary Council. SAS junior Rivers Cuomo explained the allure of rush week between inhaler puffs. “It’s a great exercise in human interface. You go out and try as many libraries as you can until you find
one that’s right for you.” SCI senior Matt Sharp agrees the fee is a lot to ask of frugal students, but overall thinks it’s a “fair transaction,” adding, “the scene here is totally bitchin’. Plus, the librarians are hotties!” In refuting charges that libraries are already paid for with tuition, librarian Maude Williams responded, saying tuition fees only cover operating costs, and that they shelled out a lot in order to buy imported dissertation drafts from such schools as Princeton and Carnegie Melon. Overall, the cover charge will not deter Rutgers’ best and brightest from going out to study like it’s 1984. Said SCI junior Brian Bell, "I’m totally wired! Prior to coming here I went to Starbucks to acquire an aqueous suspension of methylated xanthenes. That’s coffee to you ingrates!”
NEW BRUNSWICK—Rutgers University’s head football coach, Greg Schiano, has requested funding for new football uniforms made of $100 bills. Schiano proposed the idea Monday morning to a panel of Rutgers officials, which included University President Richard L. McCormick and the Board of Governors. “We want people to have the best impression of Rutgers,” Schiano declared. “These uniforms will show other schools that we’ve got more money than God, and we’re willing to put it all into this team, no matter how good we are on the field.” Added Schiano, “Fuck the recession.” Apparently, the coach was inspired while holding the bills he frequently uses as toilet paper and realized “there had to be a better way to use these.” Schiano’s accompanying Power Point, which included images of himself in his personal helicopter and drinking champagne from gold cups, illustrated how the expensive uniforms would be made. “The bills will be shipped out to a textile factory in China,” Schiano explained. “There, they will be expertly stitched by underpaid children into uniforms that can withstand tough practices and still look great during the games.” Schiano later spoke with Medium reporters on how he thought the panel received his ideas. “I thought it went great,” Schiano expressed cheerfully.
Cha-ching!
Tom Savage tests out the new uniforms, and practices being black
“I think President McCormick and the rest of Rutgers understands what draws people here – me. And when my team looks good, the whole school looks good, and everyone’s happy.” University officials unanimously approved Schiano’s proposal. “We always love to hear Mr. Schiano’s requests,” said Chair of the Board of Trustees, Mark Hershhorn. “He’s done so much for the football program here; the least we can do is give back in the form of massive amounts of money.” President McCormick was unavailable for direct comment but released an official statement about the new uniforms: “Hell, if Schiano asked for uniforms made of dolphin skin and the tears of puppies, we’d give it to him. Student response has been overwhelmingly positive. “I’m really glad that the Rutgers management knows where its priorities are,” commented SAS senior Vaughn Smith.
TA EATS PROFESSOR’S HEART TO GAIN HIS POWER BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES STAFF WRITER
A hearty breakfast! Henderson proudly displays his bounty
Editorial Staff Fall 2009
F
NEW BRUNSWICK – Rutgers University is in mourning after the brutal slaying of Professor Leonard Cooper last Tuesday at the hands of his own TA, Adam Henderson. Professor Cooper’s Intro to Psych class had met at the usual time of 8:30 AM in Murray Hall to discuss the previous night’s 9 chapters of reading. According to witnesses, Professor Cooper was in the middle of a lecture when Henderson unexpectedly leaped from his front row seat shouting, “Sic semper tyrannus!” and plunged a dagger into the Professor’s neck.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Colin Fong John Bender Ryan Buttacavoli Paul Winters
“It was fucking crazy, man!” commented freshman Matthew Gardner. “I was in the middle of playing Minesweeper and next thing I know there’s blood everywhere and the girls are just losing their minds. Shit was hardcore.” Professor Cooper’s autopsy reports indicate his heart was savagely ripped from his body, although the heart was not available for investigation. Students say Henderson ate the heart once he removed it. “He put on this deep, evil voice and was all ‘Now I shall rule the classroom!’” posited sophomore Ashley Greene. “And then he just starts eating the professor’s heart like it’s a deliNews Editors Abe Stanway Kaitie Davis Features Editor Keith Lawrence Opinions Editor Reven MacQueen Arts Editor Katie Russian Personals Editor Dave Imbriaco
cious meatball!” Following his murder of Professor Cooper, Henderson performed ritualistic dances and chants to appease the TA gods so that they might grant him the powers of a tenured professor. Henderson has now effectively taken over as head of the class. “That first day was obviously intense,” said English major Marcus Klein. “But it’s actually gotten kinda boring. We read 30 pages a night and he lectures during the entire class. Whatever. Even Professor Cooper’s head on a spike in front of the room isn’t scary anymore.” A memorial service will be held for Professor Cooper tomorrow in the Voorhees Mall. Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Staff Photographer Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Carmella Luczak Mike Vuono Erinn Koerner Tim Swanson Barbara Reed Ass-burger
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium and its authors. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is brought to you by lily pads, which are defintely not flowers.
FEATURES
Wednesday, October 7th, 2009
Move it Football Head
THE MEDIUM
Map of College Ave - The “ 2A.M. Pissing Yourself At The Greasetrucks ” Campus
HipSter culture Even though you hate them, you secrectly love them And Here is PROOF Bill Murray Grandpa Hipster
Hipster Movies...There are whether you like it or not
Hey, I know what you’re thinking. “I don’t like hipsters, when they get together, they get kind of arrogant when I don’t listen to band or something like that. Plus they do alot Ectasy.” But, if you really (and I mean really) think about it...we actually love hipster culture. We just don’t know it, or if we do, we just accept it. Maybe we are hipsters ouselves...naw fuck those arrogant guys
These movies plus anything by Wes Anderson (Rushmore, Life Aquatic, Royal Tenenbaums, Darjeeling Limited) Sofia Coppola (Lost in Translation, The Virgin Suicides) Spike Jonze (Being John Malkovich, Adaptation, and yes, Where the Wild Things Are)
Popular Hipster Bands Vampire Weekend Arcade Fire Owl City The Tings Tings Artic Monkeys Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Celebrity Hipsters: Owen Wilson, Jason Schwartzman, Ellen Page, Beck Maggie Gyllenhaal & Peter Sarsgaard, Joesph Gordon-Levitt Zooey Deschansel (so hot)
THE MEDIUM
Letter
OP/ED
October 7th, 2009
“This is how eating disorders develop.”
Even U. Students Effected by Unemployment
from Chubby Reeves In the current economy, more and more of us are losing our jobs. The same fate has befallen me. I’m not going to mention what job it was, but you guys probably know it’s me. Sure, I was fired for gross incompetence, but regardless; I feel the pinch of having no job. I can no longer buy weed as often as I would like, also I can’t buy the latest video games, but have to buy them used. This isn’t the America I know. Apparently you can’t just sleep through shifts whenever you’re too tired to work. What the fuck? This is supposed to be the land of the free.
Last I checked, the Constitution said that I could pursue happiness, and happiness for me is a cushy job where I can kick my shoes off, pretend I’m doing work when I’m not doing any at all. Also I may or may not have stolen office supplies. (I didn’t). (Or did I?). It’s just a sad, sad day in America when people that do good work can’t support the people that just laze about and take up space when they’re working. It’s not fair to the lazy guy. That’s why we have welfare. If you fire him, you’re just like Ron Paul, and nobody likes that guy.
Opinion
That Article Was Just “OK”
by Reverend Holyfuck Here’s why I can’t stand passive aggressiveness; it’s childish. That’s it. We’re adults, so I don’t need a text message from you explaining why I’m wrong when you’re sitting in the next room. It’s fucking stupid. I know we’ve all done it- the whispering, the side remarks, the comments- but to try and act as if you have a reason other than just being a pussy, well you’re a… I don’t know, you’re a pussy beyond the level of insult, I guess (‘cunt’ might suffice!). Look, waiting till the person leaves the room to talk shit on him or her doesn’t make you badass. It makes you pathetic. Getting into an argument and then suddenly becoming violent with the wall after the person leaves, makes you predictable. Leaving little notes on doors or ignoring someone when they walk into the room is a level so low that I’d much rather deal with the creeper who tries to buy me drinks, than deal with you’re antics. In fact, I’d much rather get into a physical altercation than have my inbox flooded with “yo, man that’s not fucking cool” and “what the fuck is your problem?” So you have an issue with me? Tell me. We’re not twelve and if you treat me as such then I’ll forget I know you. Say something or forget it. Not, I’ll drill
tinny holes in all of the cups as a way of saying “do the dishes”. Not, I’ll throw away all your shampoo because I can’t communicate that your music is too loud. Not I won’t acknowledge you or your friends because I am incapable of expressing what’s on my mind. There are steps to growing a pair of your very own balls: step one is to stop being such a douchebag. If to actually announce everything on your mind that bothers you would ultimately ruin your relationship with your friends forever, than the problem is probably more with you than them. It’s called letting go, and you should try it. Not everything has to be a big deal, and after awhile you have to just ask, who the fuck cares? Step two, if you have a legitimate problem then follow these directions. Close your mouth while you’re developing the thought and wait. Open your mouth when the person the thought is actually about it present. Problem solved. This advice may give you a black eye, but it’ll also give you something else… dignity. Something that you’ve lacked up until now. You can thank me later. And yes, I’m fully aware that this article is passive aggressive in itself but hey... go fuck yourself.
Dear Zayin,
I seem to having trouble “sealing the deal.” My game is ok, but once I get within striking range, I always drop the ball! How do I do it right? -Pessimistic, but Hopeful
Dear Pessimistic Hopeful,
but
Many dudes consider the hardest part of gettin’ the tip wet is sealing the deal. You’ve got her alone, you’re in your room, your car, your garage, the rabbi’s sukkah, wherever; you just can’t figure out how to make that final move. I have three words for
you: Just do it. At this point, you’re most likely locked in what I call the “endless conversation phase.” This is the time between getting her alone and shoving your cock down her throat. The easiest way to get past this is pause for a second, look into her eyes, smile, and move right in without a word. Another good segue is to stop, say “Hey [insert name her]?” and jump in for the kill. You don’t need to make the conversation lead into a kiss – even the most skilled pick up artists have trouble doing this. Rather, realize that girl is very aware that you’re hitting
on her, and that she’s probably into you too. She just wants you cut the garbage and start hooking up, but she’ll never make the first move (unless, of course, she’s retarded drunk). Remember, it’s not called endless conversation for nothing! If you don’t recognize it and overcome it, the two of you can literally sit there talking until the Messiah comes, or until her Mandatory Ugly Fat Friend (M.U.F.F.) barrels into the room and pulls her from your clutches. Good luck! If you have any questions for Zayin Gadol, email them to opinions@themedium.net
Opinion
News Flash: Centurion Founder is a Dick by Torgo Van Pelt and South Pole If you’ve been on campus long enough, you may be well aware of a little monthly publication called The Centurion. This campus conservative rag has been around for so long, its founder has been lost to the sands of time at, much like Terry Shea or Chumbawumba. Until now. The newest sensation on YouTube involves Centurion founder, 2006 RU graduate, and general Young Republican douchebag, James O’Keefe, running a “sting” at a Baltimore branch of ACORN. During the sting he played a pimp and asking for advice regarding underage prostitution. While this is admittedly horrific and the people at the office should be tarred and feathered for not sending him
packing, the fact that he would go through so much trouble to drag the name of an organization dedicated to helping the impoverishedshows just how big of a dick he truly is. Honestly, we’re not sure whether to chastise him or to commend him. James O’Keefe has set a record highlow in journalism. Instead of gathering legitimate evidence to prove his case, O’Keefe chose to employ a form of bullying so elementary that even Chris Hansen would call his tactics blatant “gotcha’ journalism”. And this is all directed at a nonprofit, instead of someone who deserves it, like a gigantic multinational corporation poisoning groundwater and killing babies. This trend in entrap-
ment-style journalism comes as no surprise given his track record. From Day One, The Centurion lives up to the legacy of conservative ‘whin-ery’; suggesting minorities and women are being treated fairly, and complaining about the burden placed on privileged white males. We haven’t even touched his blog, with such gems as railing about not being able to call black people ‘niggers’. But whatever. We’re missing the real point. Congratulations, Mr. O’Keefe, you have proven that private organizations have no place in charity and welfare, and that only the government should deal with these issues.
Quote of the Week: “Baby shoes, for sale, never worn. Now 50% off! Sale ends Tuesday!” -Ernest Hemingway
Wednesday, October 7th, 2009
ARTS “Bitchez ain’t shit!”
The Adventures of Slutty McSlutstein!
THE MEDIUM Based on true events... ...do you know where your food is coming from? Slutty learns how to earn a $500 bonus check on her first day of working as a prep cook at Larry’s Lobster House! Joe the bus boy returns from his trip to the walk-in refrigerator with a massive erection!
Comic submitted by Dot Yackamy, a girl living in a Busch Campus sausage-fest Engineering dorm
Got submissions? Requests? Send ‘em to arts@themedium.net!
Le MILIEU
Ok so Spicy Caramel has returned! I know you all missed me, but luckily for me, your wonderful submissions helped me pull through this very difficult time with THE SWINE FLU! That’s right! I still have it too! Sucka pants.... FREE MY NIGGA J, HE AINT DO IT. (YOOOOO! Its our first GANGSTA personal yo! Represent!) Hey Joe Flacco looking piece of shit from house 15 quad 1. Stop rooting for the Bengals, they suck my nine inch italian sausage... I love Brandon Stokley. To the fucking dumbass drunk people getting on the EE to college ave friday night: If you barricade the doorway to the bus and make it difficult for me to get off at my stop, don’t be surprised to find my longboard up your ass. To the Mexican girl with the big tits at the New Brunswick train station; Nice cleavage! I wish my dick was in it. Seeing your cleavage gave me an instant boner. If you want, I will tell the ICE not to deport you. To Miss Gangster Black Ass, Oh My Gaawwwd did you go to The Bank to get yo money? BTW that AIRICKUHH sound you just love to make is ridic. WTF!? Happy Birthday BITCH! To the snobby bitch in Brower: Do not give the omelette lady unnecessary grief, an order that involves a pen and paper to remember, and while you’re at it, take the stick out of your ass. This is a dining hall, not a Zagat rated restaurant. In fact, I hope you choked on your scrambled spin/mush/broc egg whites. (That’s right! You tell that preppy omelette bitch! BTW, who the hell puts broccoli in their omelette anyway? That shit just sounds nasty....) To the asshole who parked on the grass in front of Henderson; Fuck. You. You clearly must be reatarded.
PERSONALS “I fucking hate you. ALL OF YOU! Okayz luv ya byes!” To the bitch in the silver X5: Do not drive down College Ave. blasting “What’s Your Fantasy” with all your windows rolled down. Your actions simply prove that children who are provided nice cars don’t even deserve the metal that goes into making the key. Maybe mommy and daddy will buy you a new one after you wrap it around a tree when raising the volume to an even more unnecessarily higher lever. To the black shemale at the Jameson bus stop on Thursday who was wearing the Spelman sweatshirt; Learn some manners bitch. You don’t squeeze yourself in front of people when they are trying to get on the bus. Get the fuck off your cell phone and pay attention!
It's funny how people here can do Advanced Calculus and write 40 page papers but cannot seem to manage to flush a fucking toilet. It's simple people. To the obviously lower class gentleman who was h a t i n g on my Maserati in last week’s Medium; I have a Bentley too... P.S. It wasn’t Shakira, it was DJ Kay Slay- you heard of us you dumbasssss. KEEP HATING. To the jocks in planet earth. If class makes you sleepy then why the fuck do you go to class? (Because they take attendance.....and you can sleep in class so, if you think about it, you’re getting two things accomplished at once! Jocks, the new geniuses.....)
Satanic Yodas’ Brithday, 2009
To the fat bitch who rides the unicycle around Busch all day, Just what the fuck are you trying to prove?? You really suck, you know that right? No, seriously, you’re plain awful. The object is NOT to fall and when you do it’s not supposed to be like watching Indiana Jones running from away from the boulder, dodging obstacles and leaping bottomless pits. Except when I watch you do it, it’s not glorious Indy, it’s tiny Indian kids and they don’t even escape the boulder (you) let alone dodge the obstacles (general pedestrian traffic). I mean really? What the fuck is it with you? That kid was supposed to do my math homework and now I’m totally fucked. Bitch. (Wow. That sucks....sorry)
To the girl who had to scrape every last drop of sour cream up at the Busch Dining Hall when they served tacos; I will eat your babies, bitch! To the mentally challenged girl who was hesitant to hold to the door for me as I ran to Katzenbach with my female friend. You deserve to be slapped two times. "Uh. ..You're not a resident!" DUH! Not until my sex change, skank. Please get sterilized. It's for the good of mankind. (Well, it is Katzenbach... you never really know what kind of shemales and all that crap are hanging out To the old faggot preaching there...you’d think she’d be fire and brimstone out front used to it by now....) of the College Ave Student To the Rutgers Community, Center, I hope you enjoyed get ready to learn a word when I drove by the other that will soon be all over day cursing you off and campus. DARTHS! Darths telling you that there is no are nammies whose fuck- God. ing nappy ass roots are so (Yeah, you and about stiff that when they look 20,000 other people who down their hair moves with fucking hate that asshole. their head instead of flowSeriously though, I’d wish ing down their necks. Their he’d just fucking STOP...) hair is parallel to the ground, strongly resembling a Darth Dear Grandma, I’m glad Vader helmet. Darths can be you weren’t mad at me seen mostly near Rockoff when I told you what hapHall or your local Cluck-U. pened with the tequilla. Tune in next week for my Thanks for sending me all rant about Asians. those drink recipies so it To the guy who hacked into doesn’t happen again! my facebook and put a pic- To the girl on the REXB ture of the naked black guy wearing the super tight legas my default, I’m gonna gings; please don’t ever do piss on your face bitch. that again.
I peed in a beer cup. and got a bitch to drink it... and then she blew me, and it was fantastic. Later that night, as I lay sobering up back in my own bed, I thanked Jesus Christ that I did not kiss a bitch. Ahhh, slutgers. (And on the 7th day, the Lord created douche bags...) To the pussy as freshman in Metler Hall; You talked shit to me as the elevator door closed and you didn’t think I’d come downstairs to confront you. I’m going to take that cigarette and burn it out on your face and rip those fake ass diamond earrings out your fucking ears. Your a puny ass, pussy ass freshman and you bitched out in front of everyone. You going to talk shit make sure you can back it up. P.S. I know your name and where your room is, don’t tempt me. Also this goes out to every other Rutgers punk, don’t run your mouth when you can’t back it up. (Wow. You sound very scary, but yeah, I agree, freshmen fucking suck man.) To the girl watching television in the Quad 3 lounge; STOP WATCHING PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC CHINESE PROPAGANDA. THIS IS AMERICA! THE UNITED STATES. Let me have peace studying without being flooded with nonsense. Thank you.
Dear RWSU, Thank you for letting me steal half your music, even though you write DO NOT STEAL on all of the CDs because it is all so fun and delicious. Sincerely, The Editor
To the dikey girl in my Gender, Culture, & Representation class; FUCKING STOP IT WITH THE MACBOOK ALREADY! If you have so much pent up sexual frustration, go take it out on something else besides your poor Macbook. You’re fucking pissing EVERYONE in class off with your LOUD typing! That’s why no one sits next to your fugly self. To the Indian or some other brown nationality kid in my Management of Technological Organizations class; Why do you look like you always want to punch someone in the face? You are as scary as hell and I thank the non-brown Gods that I am not in your group...
Oh and I guess the only place a bottomless pit fits into this picture would be your stomach considering you’re always heading toward/from the dining hall. Game over. Give up. Go home. Spare me the eyesore between classes and that Indian kid his fucking life. To the girl I noticed at Werblin: I thought you were cute until I saw you again later that night at the library wearing the same shirt. Turns out Bitch on bitches! you’re just another Rutgers personals@themedium. net smut, you filthy fuck.
Wednesday, October 7th, 2009 To the idiot that wrote last wednesday’s ‘What’s shakin’.Asians suck at DotA, everyone knows the pros are crazy scandinavians, or at least European. Asians just play all the time, but they FUCKING SUCK at video games.Check your facts before writting. KTHXBYE! (WOW, people still play DotA? Are they still the massive, pretentious fuckwads that played DotA when I committed the grievous sin of trying to learn how to play?) To the MKW truck, you’re a bitch. You run people over metaphorically speaking. Stop calling me and stop messaging me “LOL Smiley Face” it’s more “LOL Sad Face.” Your friend’s a dick who does gymnastics. You better stop tyring to fuck all the girls in the dorm before you get hit by a damn bat. Stop being a show off before you get your ass kicked mother fuckaa. Have a great day To unicycle man on busch, There’s a unicycle girl this year too, you guys should totally go out and be weird together. :) Dear Douche with the White M3 Beamer at Richardson, You’re an jiggaboo. You have a tiny penis. Stop revving your engine every time you go through the parking lot. It’s annoying as hell and your car blows. :) (I can’t stand people like that either. Seriously, what are you assholes trying to prove by wasting gas and demostrating how amazingly obnoxious you are?) Man looking for female to sleep with. To find me be in front of grease trucks today(Wednesday) at 7:30 pm. (I suggest everyone go there at that time just to watch this dumbass crash and burn.) Shut the fuck up you stupid CUNT in the comp lab. Noone want’s to hear you fuckin losers bitching about ur personal lives in the comp lab, the bus, learn to talk on your phones retards. To all you fucks on the LX Monday night: next time I get on the bus and you people don’t move in and make room, I will kill you all.
THE MEDIUM
PERSONALS
“Happy 22nd to me, motherfuckers!”
To all troofers and Glen Beck worshippers: What kind of meme demon possesses you to claim JEWS DID 9/11 or OBAMA HAS FUCKIN DEATH PANELS OMFG RUN???? Does anybody really give a shit how the WTC fell down? The World Trade Center fucking fell down WITH PEOPLE IN IT. That’s all that matters! Go take your stupid Illuminati theories elsewhere! As for the Glenn Beck nuts while Bammy is a politician like everybody else, HE IS NOT THE FUCKIN ANTICHRIST OK? You keep whining that we treat him as a Messiah. You then go ahead and treat him as the Antichrist. He is neither. Go get a life instead of bitching from your mum’s basement. Oh yeah, and since this be the personals: fuck fuck shit crap motherfucker balls (I didn’t even take the time to read that before printing it.) To the retarded guy in chem 162SG with the skateboard and his stupid blonde girlfriend. Shut the fuck up and stop with the fucking PDA in the middle of lecture. No one wants to hear your stupid giggling or see you fooling around in the middle of lecture, recitation, or lab. None of us want to hear your obnoxiously loud whispering while we’re all struggling to understand wtf is going on in class. You’re annoying everyone so just stop or go to hell. Thank you. (Don’t you just wish it were that easy to get people to shut the fuck up and stop groping each other in class? I know! You can stop their PDAing by doing something horribly unsexy right in from of them, like shitting on their heads. Or lifting your shirt up.) To the dumb ass sucking her thumb on the L, Get a grip, you’re at least eighteen, not four. If you’re so afraid of being here, run back home to mommy. P.S. Don’t forget to bring home your teddy bear and bottle when you (Maybe she’s practicing for something else?) To the indian girl on guilden: SEXY MOIST SEXY SEXY SEXY MOIST MOIST MOIST SEXY
To the goddamn black cunts who keep blasting their shitty ghetto music from their iPods on the bus: turn that shit down, nobody wants to listen to that fucking shit. I hope all yours ears bleed and you can’t hear anymore so I don’t have to put up with your slum music. To the fat fanfic girl on the Thursday afternoon EE, no one cares about your poetry, your novel, or your fiance. People like you are the reason murder was invented. Why is everyone so fucking obsessed with Johnny Cash? To the fake ass Michael Jordan living above me: Stop bouncing that damn basketball in your room all fucking hours of the day! (Or else what? I know, how about you grow some balls (no pun intended) and shove that ball down his throat? Oh wait, you’re too big of a chicken shit. Fuck off.) To the horse fucker from last week hating on my man in the suspenders, GO FUCK YOURSELF. Last time I checked people were allowed to ask questions in a learning environment. Sorry your prepubescent body is completly incapable of creating facial hair. Maybe your head is too far up your ugly ass to recognize that you aren’t the center of the universe. Go suck a dick you CUNT FACED CAVERNOUS TWAT! (OH SHIT! Now it’s on! U say you both meet in the mud and settle your dykey differences there. And until we know more, your “man” still needs to shut the fuck up because he’s associated with you.) To the assholes living in Newell 59, stop playing the fucking bongos everyday at 3AM. One because nobody wants to hear a bongo solo and two because you suck. (Ah, the fact that you’re in Newells is the soure of your problem. They’re incredibly infested with one of the greatest scourges upon all of mankind. I’m talking, of course, about.....HIPPIES!) free my nigga cdawg we gon hold it down till them crackaz let my nigga free. (Do you people do this JUST to piss me off? It’s working...
FROM THE DESK OF SATANIC YODA...
Good day, my loyal minions of the Personals page! Once again, you all have not failed to disappoint (at least with the actually submitting stuff part). Keep telling us about what pisses you off every week, we’re better at pretending to listen to you than your guy friends are (News flash! They’re just trying to get in your pants!). The place to blab to is Personals@TheMedium.net. Get your friends to submit too! They can’t possibly be as boring and/or stupid as some of you are! Oh, and by the way, my 22nd birthday is today (w00t!), so if you’re of age and see someone with curly long hair and a beard at the bar over the next few days, buy me a beer (I like Yuengling on tap)! If you’re not 21 yet (and hot), a blow job will do just fine too :-). Unil next time, smoke crack and worship Satan. ~Satanic Yoda Dear dirty ass bitches at RU, I would really appreciate it if you wouldn’t spray your gross piss on the toilet seat cover when you squat... It is not only unhygienic, but just down right nasty. Use fucking toilet paper or if you are so skeeved out by public toilet seats, wait til you get home... and mark your territory there. Thank you. to my roommate who slayed that pussy all night....on my couch....walking in on you was great. thanks for the sight asshole...no pun i tended (You’re just jealous that he’s getting ass and you aren’t.) To the shitheads who see no problem with 20 people smooshed up against the bus door like fucking sardines when there is a shit ton of room behind you... yes it’s true, people fucking love being late to class because you’re too fucking braindead to move in a few god damn feet. The best solution is to just stand there like a fucking vegetable staring at those unlucky assholes fighting their way onto a half empty bus! To the people at the College Avenue Gym: you guys know there are three courts, right? So instead of just waiting for the next game on the middle you could actually start a new game on one of the adjacent courts? (They aren’t that bright, as you’ve probably noticed...) Hey Reven, you got three lines of shit? No, not that shit, THAT shit!
To the equally stupid fuck who commented on the square penis I drew in the Demarest bathroom. The fact that you have a conception of what “Demarest is about” is laughable. It just proves your need to be part of a higher identity despite the average Demarest kid’s claim to be an individual. Really its just an excuse for why you can only be friends with one type of person. P.S. Why dont you take your preconceptions of what a penis should look like... and shove it up your “Corn hole”? (Whoa whoa whoa, man. “Equally stupid”? I think you just proved that you have the mental capacity and maturity of a 6 year old. And that’s a lot coming from the Personals page.) To my statistics professor. Nobody fucking understands you. Nobody can even say your name . What professor in their right mind thinks it¹s a good idea to hand out quizzes one by one in a 200 person lecture hall by calling peoples first names.. Not everyones fucking name has 30 letters in it like yours -and mixed with your lack of understanding of the english language... Honestly? Use your fucking brain woman. Barack Obama, You’re a black Democrat version of George W Bush. You Suck!!!! Hey! When are you assholes going to fix that hugeass pothole at the exit to Lot 26 on College Ave? (Never.)
WHAT’S SHAKIN’
Wednesday, Cocktober 7th , 2009
“It’s like God jizzed and shat all over my pie.”
An Editorial From: The What’s Shakin’ Editor
What’s Shakin’?
10/8 @ College Ave - Phone sale! The phone store is selling phones for a phone price at phone o’clock. Phonin it innnnnnnnn. 10/9 @ Busch - Study Fest ‘09. Bring your Bio books and hunker down with a fat slice of studyin’. Don’t bother talking or anything, or anything that isn’t studying. Are you getting the joke yet? Kids on Busch study a lot. Haha. Funny. 10/11 @ Seven Eleven - Heaven, Kevin, Lucky Number Slevin. 10/30 @ Planet Earth - Mischief night. How come no one does anything anymore on this, the night of mischief? It’s the fucking name of the night, dude. Throw some toilet paper around, shaving cream cars, I dunno, fuck, egg some houses. Old-fashioned fun is a lot more entertaining then getting drunk off of Keystone at some grungy place. Get with it, kids. 11/1 @ November - It’s on! 11/2 @ College Ave - I have two classes this day, both of which are essential to me graduating from this college. I should probably go to these, fuck I don’t want to, wanna come with me?
I joined this paper last year and took the reigns for this backpage almost immediately. I wasn’t too enthused about the whole thing, but I pushed through for all of you guys. The memories of picking up the paper every Wednesday with so much excitement I was giggling like a drunk asian girl kept me on staff. I was doing it for you guys, the readers, because I was one of you for over two years. I liked the freedom of it; we’re the only true free-press at Rutgers. We publish anything we want, satire, absurdist humor, or actual political babble that no one reads. Regardless, we are the guys who publish anything and everything, without restraint. Now, however, I’m not so sure about this paper. The higher-ups at this wonderful publication have decided to censor what we can write about. Read that again. The Medium, the paper that used to publish pictures of Goatse and Tubgirl, has decided to censor what we, the editors and writers, can write about. Such topics that are no longer Kosher include the RU Screw, Weed, and very soon, Bros/Frats. Fun shit, right? We (not me, obviously) started writing way too much about these topics, and decided, instead of moderating how many times we feature these topics in articles, we have stricken them out from the Medium entirely. What. The. Fuck. Seriously, what the fuck? I can’t even begin to explain why this is, without question, the stupidest fucking thing ever. Here’s an idea, let’s not write anything about Sports anymore. Or maybe ban anything to do with roommates not liking each other. Better yet, let’s ban writing about Rutgers. I mean, no one wants to read about topical shit anyway, right? Think this sucks as much as I do and want something to change? Send your unapproving hate mails to EIC@themedium.net. ...Obama.
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Pro-Choice