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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLVI Issue IV
OCTOBER 9th, 2013
GUESS WHO?
TRAGEDY ON BUSCH CAMPUS: POOJA PATEL KILLS POOJA PATEL BY POOJA PATEL EDITOR-IN-CHEIF
PISCATAWAY, NJ-- University students and staff remain in shock after the brutal murder of Rutgers student Pooja Patel by Rutgers student Pooja Patel. Busch resident and witness to the crime Pooja Patel told officials last week that she saw Patel attacking Patel with a cricket bat, reportedly after a marathon Orgo study session. Details at this time are limited, but chief Piscataway detective on the case Pooja Patel has stated publicly that when Busch RUPD officer Pooja Patel arrived at the crime scene, Patel was crushing Patel with three Calculus text books. District attorney Pooja Patel has consulted with case judge Pooja Patel, and Patel will be seeking the maximum penalty for Patel. A jury of Patel’s Busch campus peers is currently being assembled, but due to privacy reasons, we can only list their initials as P.P, P.P, P.P, P.P, P.P, P.P, P.P, P.P, P.P, P.P, P.P, and P. P. A
PATELLING THE CRIME SCENE Officers Patel, Patel, and Patel overlook Patel's sordid death.
biopic on the jury deliberation is currently in pre-production under the working title “12 Angry Patels.” The trial for Patel isn’t set to begin until after the next Organic Chemistry exam ends, which
throws a wrench into the (calculus) equation. Another witness to the crime, Biology professor Pooja Patel, described seeing the murder on her way to class. “I saw this toContinued on Page 2
WE HAVE A WEINER
Anthony Weiner to Run for RHA Executive President
BY BAKING UP TROUBLE MANAGING EDITOR
RHA OFFICES -- The competition for the top position of the Residence Hall Association just got a little bit harder as former U.S. representative Anthony Weiner entered the race this week for executive president. After losing in the Democratic primary last month for New York City mayor, Weiner has decided to try his hands at a more low-key contest in an area where people might embrace his past mistakes. “I know that in any ordinary election I would lose because of my whole sexting scandal, but now that I am running at the college level, students will be able to relate to me sending those pictures of my erect penis to those 20 something year olds,” said Weiner. Even though the execu-
50¢ QUICKIES
COVERAGE INSIDE phonesma.sh Gives Spoiled U. Students Excuse to Upgrade to New iPhone Grown Men Discuss the Efficacy of Baby Butt Wipes Busch Dining Hall to Begin Offering Grade A, FDA Approved Chicken Vagina Nuggets Loser Senior Finally Finishes State Quarter Collection Ratios Lifted for all Frat Parties; Male Virgins Rejoice Nation To Celebrate Lennon’s 73rd with live reading of Salinger’s 'The Catcher In The Rye'
To honor the rock icon, a live reading of J.D. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye will be broadcasted on live television in the center of Central Park, at the Strawberry Fields Memorial. The book will be read aloud by WEINER STANDS PROUD AND ERECT his late spouse Yoko Ono, who Weiners attracts potential voters to raise his political clout. surprised many by still managtive board positions of RHA are ed campaigning around Rutgers, ing to shove herself into issues generally meant to be filled by trying to convince students, esthat should clearly be handled students of Rutgers, there is no pecially females, that he is not as by the surviving members of rule saying that someone like crooked as he seems and that his the Beatles. Park-goers were enWeiner is not allowed to com- political ideology isn’t the only couraged by Paul McCartney to pete. He would simply need to thing that leans left. bring strawberries to throw be living on campus, which is “I don’t know why Mr. at Yoko, as it is as he put it, why he chose to move into the Weiner is trying to shove his “what that crazy hippie bastard Johnson Apartments on Busch. would’ve wanted." Continued on Page 2 Weiner has already start-
It's Spicy Baby Fun! SInce 1970
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NEWS
Wednesday, October 9th, 2013
“THERE'S SO MUCH GAY PORN!"
KEEP DRIVING
LIKE A BOSS
The Medium Endorses Jeff Freshman Delinquent RecBoss for Governor ollects Jaywalking Offense
BY
THE
MEDIUM EXECUTIVE BOARD
GUTTENBERG, NJ – With the 2013 New Jersey Governor’s Election coming up on November 5th, The Medium would like to throw our hat in the ring by formally endorsing Jeff Boss of the NSA Did 9/11 party. Mr. Boss embodies many of the things that The Medium stands for and many of the things we believe New Jersey needs at this time. Ever go to Olde Queens or The Knights’ Club and get turned down at the door because you are trying to bring your dog in? You could either leave your beloved golden retriever at home or elect Jeff Boss. A key part of Mr. Boss’ all-caps platform is that he intends to change the law to allow dogs into “RESTAURANTS, THEATERS, CLUBS, LIKE THEY ARE IN FRANCE.” While a good first step, hopefully he will expand into more places during his second term. Mr. Boss knows the value of a college education. He also knows the best things in life are free. That is why he intends to offer free college education for every resident of the Garden State, via internet. Not only will your undergraduate degree be free, but you can also get a masters, law, nursing or medical degree from the comfort of laptop screen. If you cannot tell by now, Mr. Boss is a gambling man. One might also say he is stoned. That is why his platform calls for a PATEL ...continued from front
tally distinct looking girl beating up another totally distinct looking girl,’ she said. “There is no doubt in my mind that it indeed was Pooja Patel that murdered Pooja Patel.” Another Busch resident Jiang Wang also witnessed the crime.
Editorial Staff Fall 2013
BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NEWS EDITOR
JEFF BOSS ON THE BALLOT Boss attributes his low ratings to Verizon's censoring of his campaign messages because Verizon works for the NSA.
casino to be built in the Meadowlands and marijuana to be legalized. Seeing as weed and gambling are almost always present at meetings for The Medium, we fully support these measures. Mr. Boss has previously been on the ballot for President of the United States, Senate, Congress, State Senate and Mayor of New York City, so he has the experience our state needs. If you are interested in meeting him, our future Governor stands in front of the New York Times Building, 8th Avenue entrance in New York City from 3:004:00 PM every Friday. He also has a DVD with Al Gore saying the NSA orchestrated 9/11, so there’s that. His website is jeffbossfornjgovernor.com The Medium urges you on November 5th to think of your future, your state and your dog and vote for Jeff Boss.
“我在這裡做什麼是地獄”, he shouted at reporters. Anyone with additional information on the murder of Pooja Patel, or with relevant information concerning suspect Pooja Patel is encouraged to come forward and contact Pooja Patel on Busch campus.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Pooja Patel Pooja Patel
John Smith Patel the Sun God
from his Twitter, "crosswalk was half a bloc away! these pigs got nothing on me am I right @georgezimmerman ? #fucktheman.” Witnesses reported only discord from the scene of Harrington’s infraction. Jon Maldonado was driving his car along College Ave when he narrowly missed the jaywalking Harrington by 40 feet. He gave this statement, “He just came out of nowhere. I’ve lived in New Brunswick all my life and I’ve never seen anything as crazy as this.” The visibly shaken Maldonado took a moment to compose himself. “If there is someone crazy enough to cross in the middle of the street, then he might someday kidnap the president’s daughter!” The trial is scheduled for Thursday, October 10th at 1:00pm at the Middlesex Court on 120 New Street in New Brunswick. Court officials are taking precautions for the mass protests, civil unrest, and property damage this trial is projected to cause.
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – Rutgers Student Trevor Harrington was arrested on Tuesday under allegations of jaywalking in the first degree. According to witness reports of the incident, Harrington, Class of 2017, was seen crossing College Avenue in a blatant disregard of the nearby crosswalks and passing vehicles. RUPD was alerted immediately and detained Harrington as he was ignoring a 'keep of grass' sign. The Rutgers community was appalled to see one of their own have such irreverence for pedestrian law and safety regulations. Students have been outspoken in their opinions about Harrington’s crime, with sophomore Julia Whelihan stating, "I knew Trevor from high school. I never thought he would do something so awful. He's changed. I guess some people can't handle college life." Harrington was legally advised to refuse an interview with The Medium. However, the following was obtained WEINER its. ...continued from front The election for RHA exstances on housing down our ecutive president will not take throats,” stated SAS first year place until next year but Weiner Becky Droorin. “He keeps say- appears to be gaining popularing this is just the tip of his plan ity around campus, mainly from and that there is more to come.” fraternity brothers. The latest poll shows “This race may be a long that the former congressman is and misshapen, but I am ready ahead of his opponents, which to do what it takes to get me there are none of, by double dig- back on top,” remarked Weiner.
COME TO OUR MEETINGS AT THE BCC ROOM 120B STARTING AT 8PM EVERY WEDNESDAY! COME PITCH YOUR JOKES AND STUFF! ALSO, WE ARE STREETPASSING!
News Editors Pooja Patel Pooja Patel Features Editor Pooja Patel Opinions Editor Pooja Patel Arts Editor Pooja Patel Personals Editors Pooja Patel Pooja Patel
Back Page Editor Pooja Patel Copy Editors Pooja Patel Pooja Patel Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Pooja Patel Faculty Advisor Pooja Patel Resident Patel Pooja
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the millions of sperm cells lost in the masturbatory massacre during and after The Medium's second coverage of Exxotica Expo 2013. Our potential children will be sorrowfully missed.
FARTS
Wednesday, October 9th, 2013
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“We got invited to a cabin in upper NY for bondage sex”
WHAT WHERE YOU GET YOUR COFFEE SAYS ABOUT YOU - PROFES-
ILY & COB - BRIEN O’CONAN The comic above isn’t really funny. But colored pens are fucking awesome. If you don’t like it you can fuck yourself, or submit some fucking comics to themedium.arts@gmail.com. Since none of you bitches submitted a caption for this unholy photo, I have a damn brilliant one of my own. Please no.
EXXXOTICA LIST
Choose your starter bitches. In honor of Pokemon coming out next week, I made melon-lime vodka, curacao-coconut rum, and Bacardi-spiced rum shots. Then I drank them. Myself. Alone.
BEST PRODUCTS
Funniest Quotes POKEMON LEAF GREEN FEATURES EDITOR
1. “I wanted my ass to be able to fit a house in there.” 2. “You know when it’s a bad day for anal sex.” 3. “I feel bad, I think I should tell you more about butt sex.” 4. “Me and these three big black girls jumped on this guy and he came in his pants...well we were doing ball trampling...” 5. ”Does anyone really do reverse cow girl in real life?” 6. “I know these girls who have vaginas made of like steel.”
RUTGERS BINGO Resembling the stereotype of your campus more and more
You just passed a silent one
You met five or more Patels today
Can’t understand Spending your your professor day inebriated
Sucked in the lethal gas at Busch and Livi
The Medium is the best paper here
Your usual seat Seen a fat girl in Stuck behind a group of slow just got taken yoga pants walkers
Your bus is held up by a jay- walker
A group of You go to the You caught a Bus is too Asians talking sluttiest univerdisease from packed to get on to each other in sity everyone English (Free Space) around you
Lost your RUID again
Got grinded up on the bus
Person next to you smells bad
Forgot we have Came late to teams besides class, left early football anyways
You got lucky Pretty sure your You hear the You’re sure Waking up next and the hot girl/ roommate jerks same person that your profesto shame in your guy sat next to it while you’re complaining sors conspire bed you there about orgo
UGLY THING OF WEEK
CUTE THING OF WEEK
Wednesday, October 9th, 2013 “I don’t think most guys are long enough to do reverse cowgirl”
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Jameson were flown out to Edison for the Expo. My friend bought one and I started snapping photos of her getting down and dirty with her friend Raven Bay. (@RavenBayXXX). Even in these sexed up shots she is having fun. Then, after looking at some fancy masturbators and some giant penis lollipops, we really accidentally walked into’ The Dungeon.’ A special 50 Shades of Grey themed Bondage/BDSM section of the convention center. The problem was that there was no Christian Grey with, “Tall, slim yet Muscular, and broad shouldered, with dark copper-colored hair and ‘smoldering’ grey eyes.” There were men and women… People of questionable gender who have come out of their NEWS EDITOR respective dungeons for the first time in years for this convention. Ryan Diller We discovered what Santa really does in the offseason – Domi The day started out as any normal sunny day does, happy. nate women. He’s hundreds of years old so we figured he has to keep The day was happy and our excitement palpable as we entered our EIC’s car. 4 men, all alike in education, all alike in maturity levels, all reverted into 14 year old boys. “She is gonna speak about but sex!” “I hope we get to touch them” “There are gonna be strippers!!” “Are we there yet?” We finally arrived, checked in, and entered the Edison Expo Center. We were immediately greeted by these two nice women:
The Medium’s
Adventure
life interesting somehow.
We finally got our bearings, (as much as one can when he is surrounded by pornstars), and walked down the closest passage way we found. Each passage was lined with vendors on one side, and porn stars on the other. The porn stars each had their own giant poster of themselves and 8x10s of themselves to sign and sell. We tried to meet the busty Holly Halston, but one extremely creepy man wearing a threadbare black t-shirt was living out his lifelong fantasy with a slightly visible boner tenting from his jeans. I digress. We moved on and literally bumped into the lovely Allie James. (@ AllieJames) She was much different from the first porn star we tried to approach. She had no faded look of former glory. She was having fun. When I remarked whether or not I should buy one of her $10 naked prints, she replied, “I need it for my plane ride home!” All the models came on their own. Only the likes of the legendary Jenna
Strippers on a giant mechanical Penis… DUH!! Finally we arrived at 5:45 pm. We were just in time for the Seminar we had been waiting for. It was a seminar by Rutgers’ very own alumni Joanna Angel (@JoannaAngel). A 2002 Graduate who majored in English and minored in Film studies, she is now an extremely successful pornography director and star and creator of the website http://www. burningangel.com. She was an awesome speaker. She taught everyone in the audience how to “buttsex.” “Don’t eat Mexican food, that’s really my main advice” she was so casual about the topic that when she began talking about anal douching it sounded just like she was talking about the weather. “I’ve used a couple that are really intense, but the normal douche you get from the store
Wednesday, October 9th, 2013
ARTS “I AM!”
works fine.” An aged man wearing a kilt asked the question, “How do you feel about rimming?” “Oh,” She remarked, “Like putting a tounge in your butt?” That lightness to the often-taboo topic made the seminar very informative and very fun. We met up with her afterwards and asked her what her favorite book was, “Ahh, Lolita?” she pausesd, “no I really like that David Sedaris book… ‘Me Talk Pretty one Day.” A Tragic-Comic controversial novel written in English by a Russian, and an amazing interpretation of life by an amazing humorist, she is sexy and smart. We went over to the main stage. In the center of this sprawling structure was of course a stripper pole. Stormy Daniels (@StormyDaniels) performed the first show – a dirty girl scouts themed 3 level stripteases. She was followed by an all male revue: MEN,
from Chicago. Then things got weird. A girl came on stage and surprisingly started stripping. Then a killer came up with a machete
and killed her on stage. Then the killer started stripping. The Final Striptease was a Magic show. She pulled two umbrellas out of her vagina! As her final act, she put on a fire bra and lit the stage up with her breasts. On our way out we saw two girls making out at the Chatterbate.com table. One of our editors starting chatting with another one of the live cam stars. She happened to be a clever engineer who was a pro at making contraptions to smoke weed out of. It really opened our eyes to the fact that these girls are multi-talented. Arriving at the after party with our VIP passes, a porn star cop with huge sideburns met us at the door. We walked into a bunch of cop themed strippers. These strippers brought a new level to stripping. It may have been the booze but these strippers were the hottest strippers, it was as if they wanted to strip, and that stripping for all the men at this event was their
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sole purpose. Our friend Allie James then walked in with Raven. We all ended up dancing and drinking for the night with Seth Gamble and Ryan Driller as well. Stormy Daniels was at the party but she stayed in the back. It was incredible to be there and drinking and grinding on all these beautiful people who we had all seen naked. It made us closer, got the awkward sex stuff out of the conversation because everything was sex stuff. We were partying with porn stars. We were partying with porn stars. We partied with porn stars! This sunny day became an amazing night.
the Medium
OP/ED
Wednesday, October 9th, 2013
“Come Saturday, it’s 3rd grade all over again.”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
HELP ME I’M SCARED
Help, I’m Being Held Hostage By the LSM
FINE YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS, I’VE DONE WHAT YOU ASKED. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?
BY JOSHUA HARDMAN
BY JOE CHARETTE, DIRECTOR OF DINING SERVICES
Well I hope you little brats are happy now, the dining halls close at 9 P.M. again. If you complain about anything after that, I will literally flip. a. shit. I fucking hate all of you. Sometimes I just want to bang my head against a wall because you students are too dumb to function. I hate my job. I have to deal with all these ungrateful college students yakking on about how their fucking meal plans are too expensive and shit. And of course I have to cater to their every demands like a little fucking puppy dog otherwise I WILL get nixed by the Barchinator. I really did the best I could. I HAD NO FUCKING CHOICE but to shorten the dining halls by an hour. There’s no other way to
make it cheaper. What? Do they want me to serve less food or lay off half the fucking employees. UGHHHHHH. I listened to them. I fucking did what they wanted me to and THEN they turn around and create a motherfuckin petition on Change.org DEMANDING the dining halls stay open till 9. Like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!!!!! The kids want more food for less money. Okay, then, let me pull out all this free fucking money that I have lying around in my back pocket. Like I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t get paid enough for all this bullshit I have to deal with. Like people email me all the damn time about why meal plans are so expensive.
They don’t fucking understand that we buy food based on FUCKING DEMAND FOR FOOD. That INCLUDES THEFT TOO. I keep fucking telling them to stop stealing from the dining hall but those stupid runts don’t listen. I EVEN PUT THE WARNING ON THE FRIGGIN WEBSITE for God’s sake. One time, I sat in Brower and this guy puts 3 tupperware containers full of sour cream in his back pocket and leave. Da fuck? THAT. SHIT. COSTS. MONEY. BITCH. You whine about expensive meal plans. News flash: YOU’RE THE ONE MAKING IT EXPENSIVE. I just don’t know what to do anymore! I’m literally at the end of my wits here!!!!!
Please help me. I’ve been stuck in here for the past three weeks. I came in here because I wanted a nice place to do my homework but when I tried to leave, all the exit doors were locked. I thought maybe they made a mistake and accidentally missed me when they closed, so I decided that I probably would have to just wait it out and leave in the morning. I decided to wander around while I wasted my time, because why the hell not, but once I reached the basement, all the doors locked behind me. I’ve been banging on the door trying to get someone’s attention since, but no one responded. I can’t get out. I’ve tried listening through the door for people mov-
ing behind the door, but there’s nothing. I’m writing this in the hopes that someone found it but I’m not even sure there are people out there anymore. I’ve been surviving off water leaking from an old pipe, and all I’ve had to eat were old books and stray rats. Please send help. I can’t do this anymore. I hope people are still out there. Does civilization still exist? The only human interaction I’ve had is a detailed history of the environmental impact of smog on North Dakota’s water supplies. That and angry birds while that lasted. My battery died about 12 hours in. I’m going to die in here, aren’t I? Cold, alone, and with a flawless understanding of smog’s effects on the environment. Please, help me.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
UNIVERSITY VOICES
BY HEADPHONES GUY
What do you think about the dining halls staying open one hour longer?
Fucking Headphones Always Tangling and Shit Fuck these wires. How the fuck do you get so knotted every time I take you out? What the fuck are you doing in my pocket? Is there some headphone kama sutra you fuckers keep trying just to mess with me? Get your shit together, you white pieces of trash. I wanna listen to my Kid Rock and I want to listen to it now. I swear, I’d have replaced you with Beats by now if you weren’t so god damn free. Your days are numbered, so you better get your priorities straight if you don’t want to see yourselves in the trash soon.
Fuckin’ Guy With His Gross-Ass Ears BY EARBUDS
Bro, if you saw the inside of your ears, you’d want to try and hang yourself too. Except we have all this wire and no necks to tie it around. But damned if we won’t try. And the music we have to play for you? Jesus, anyone with a modicium of self respect would have offed themselves by now, but you still keep trucking, I guess, listening to all that pop-y trash. How do you live with yourself? What do you tell your friends you listen to? Muse? Red Hot Chili Peppers? Christ, you’re depressing. You’re lucky we can’t talk. We’ll just have to settle for slowly making you deaf. By the way. Your volume. It’s unhealthy. You’re gonna go deaf. Hear that sound? ‘Course ya don’t, all that Ke$ha’s gonna make you as deaf as a doornail you tool.
“Great! I can eat even MORE now!” Bradley Huxton, Morbidly Obese “This is great. Now put the grease trucks back where they belong.” Virginia Polento, Impossible to please
“Eating’s too mainstream.” Ivan Jhobenstein, Too cool for food
PERSONALS
Wednesday, October 9th, 2013
the Medium
“I blame the orange shirt.”
AN ODE TO GARY NOVA
YOU SUCK
God help us against Louisville, you can barely beat SMU now you actually have to face a real team. And it gets worse, I missed an experience of a lifetime and now have to wait until April to try again. Fuck. Anyway send me personals to make me feel better themedium.personals@gmail.com AND Follow us on twitter! @PersonalsRU Then come to our meetings Wednesday at 8pm in the BCC in room 120B. Hey this dick isn’t going to suck itself is it? Thats right I need a few new mouths.
WATCH THAT SHIT
LONG PERSONAL
I show no fucking mercy anymore to the fuckers who try to cross the street at George Street when I drive. You are given the fucking right of way if you look both ways before you cross. Don’t just fucking go for it you assholes! You could die! AND DO YOU KNOW HOW YOU COULD DIE?! WHEN YOU GET HIT BY A CAR. SPECIFICALLY MY CAR. I will hit all of you.
To the student that walked into the bookstore looking for a a textbook, who then got mad at the employees because the condition of the USED textbooks sucked, and then told the employees that you needed the book for an exam that same day. Why the fuck are you buying your textbook now? If you didn’t buy it at the beginning of the semester, then it’s your fault you’re buying a ratty book, and you’ll probably fail your exam to, you lazy piece of garbage.
It’s about that time of year where it’s getting cold and people decide to be fat and not WALK the five minute walk from (No sex in it, too long to the RSC to Scott Hall. read. Who ever sent this in Half of you are fatties, I’m disapopinted in you.) walk, even if its cold. You could use it. And I could SHORT PERSONALS use your seat on the bus. I always like to imagine Today, I saw someone on that the bike racks on Busch with a large block Rutgers buses are musletter R on his shirt. This taches....retractable muswould not be special if it taches. :3 hehehe were not for the fact that (No more mustaches you he wore a backward base- hipster fucks!) ball cap. I wonder where the rest of Ms. Frizzle's Dear Management TA, class has ended up. Dor- when are your office othy-Ann know-it-all is hours again? probably stripping her way through Med School (I think you mean when is the Doctor in his office? at Harvard. Come in anytime you want, (You know you all wanted to The Medium staff likes to cum on Ms. Frizzle’s face.) watch me toss chicks salads.) So I was in the library today trying to study, My roommate won’t stop and this nigga behind referring to himself as me starts moaning and “Y’boy”. What do I do? shit like he’s fucking pos(Kill him, so I don’t have to sessed. And then he starts deal with thinking of somesinging some rap lyrics. thing witty to respond to And then more moaning. this bullshit.) I’m still trying to grasp what he was doing back OH! You want me to put there since it was the cor- my cellphone away proner of the library... fessor? I’ll put it away (The corner of the library? when you stop sounding like a monotone whale. Take a guess stupid.)
ASIAN PWOBLEMS
TRUE LOVE
ANGRY APPLES
I’m convinced that Asian guys spend more time on their hair than most white girls do going out on Friday night.
To my loving girlfriend. I’m sorry that I do stupid things. I’m a foolish young man with a lot left to learn in this life. I really appreciate you and I’m so thankful that you’ve stayed with me for so long. You mean the world to me and some day I hope to marry you. If I had known that what I did would have disappointed you, I wouldn’t have done it at all. You don’t have to forgive me. Just please never lose hope and continue to be such an amazing friend to me. I Love You.
Whenever I see bruised fruit, I always imagine that they’re victims of domestic violence and then that just makes me sad. :’( Stop the hate. Stop the violence. These hands don’t hurt 2013.
(Aw man, I feel for you. I also feel your girlfriend right now. She’s not gonna read this though cause me and four of my closest friends are currently occupying all her holes.)
(The ghost of Steve Jobs strikes again. That fucker.)
(Dragon Ball Z changed everything. If you don’t have Goku hair, you ain’t shit.)
LADIES To the fat, obnoxious bitch that came to the bar with us: I love how you said you were trying to lose weight but then you drank like a fuckin alcoholic on Christmas! Also, for fuck’s sake don’t shake your arms - the lard on those things reminded me of a flag on a windy day. I wonder how many pounds heavier you woke up the next morning. Guess I’ll have to roll you down a hill to find out! (I love fat bitches, that’s my fucking problem.)
ARRRRRIBA
To the redhead in IO: you seriously gave me a hardon for like all 80 minutes the other day. I know your ass looks nice now, but it’ll look even better when I bend it over. HOLLLAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
To the assholes on Huntington st. hitting a pinata at 3 AM last wednesday, I really enjoy waking up to that shit the day before my 8:40 exam. It’s a fucking Wednesday, get it together or I’ll hit you like a pinata instead.
(Yeah but do the drapes match her vagina?)
(Fiesta Wednesdays are sacred in many cultures. Along with the traditional Natty baptism and Burnett’s sacrifice.)
To the chick I hooked up with Friday night, please god I hope you were a black chick and not an indian chick. That would FOOTBALL = GOD make it a lot more enjoyable looking back. Can we talk about how everyone on the football (White guy aren’t you.) team has matching Dr. To the exhibitionists of Dre Beats headphones... but 70% of the time I Rutgers: check out /r/RUGoneWild where don’t have hot water in there are tons of balls but my apartment? little tits!
The girls in my Infant and Child Developmental Psych class are so hot. Or maybe it just seems that way because I’m from Busch. (You’re kidding right? Busch doesn’t have yummy yummies! Thats where all the asian bitches are. Those filipino chicks can fuck the good doctor anyday.) I’m so sick of all this Breast Cancer awareness shit. Show me ONE PERSON that isn’t aware about breast cancer. ONE PERSON.
(My dad used to beat my mom with a sack full of apples.) To this fucking Mac keyboard, give me back my mouse adapter! Are you going on your period because I used a Microsoft mouse? I will fucking destroy you!
HIPPY SCUM Barefoot longboarder on the bus with two cell phones, why are you barefoot with your longboard on the bus with two cell phones? (Let him be. Be a weirdo. A weirdo that’s going to regret the AIDS he inevitably gets from all the broken glass around town.)
STD’S <3 At least when Rutgers’ girls look back on their college days they don’t need pictures. They’ll have the herpes from freshman year Halloween. (And don’t you want to be the one to give them it? Is that not the American dream.) I know this guy and his dick is so big that parents use it as a moonbounce for their kids’ birthday parties.
(HEY, they earned those when they gave up a 21 point lead, rediculous twopoint conversation, and (Now that is cost efficient barely won in triple over- and safe.) time against a 1-3 SMU team.) Whenever a guy stares at my boobs, I feel a deep I swear I woulda fucking need to remind him that transferred if the football he has his own most of team woulda blown that the time. #mantitties shit last week SMU CAN SMD (Who is this more telling about? Him or you and (It’s pretty obvious you’re your A-cups? PS, boobs are not coming here for an ed- so 2006. Forearms really ucation. Also, you’re not get guys going right now. coming here to play a sport. #bitch) Why the fuck are you here?)
THE BACK PAGE
Wednesday, October 9th, 2013
“Fuck yeah Mac n Cheese”
The Medium Food Critic
Caption Contest!
Busch Breakfast Take-Out
By: Ghee Buttersnaps a.k.a “The Heater” | Staff Writer
What’s Shakin’
Tonight 8:00pm, @BCC rm120B Kickass Medium Meeting Yup it’s going to be pretty great. Tonight 9:00pm @Livingston Recreation Center Illuminate the Knight A festival with music, lights, and lasers. The perfect opportunity to get your hands on those illicit substances you’ve been wondering about. Thursday Oct 10 7:30pm, @Canterbury House C.S Lewis Society at Rutgers Drink some tea, fall down a few rabbit holes, participate in some great discussions.
WANT TO BE FAMOUS?? Submit shit. themedium.backpage@ gmail.com ..that’s how it works right?
So what is grandma looking at? This week’s winner:
“A breakup text from her husband of 55 years, including the phrase “its not u- its me”
Well shit. New week, new photo! Submit a caption to themedium.backpage@ gmail.com and have a chance to have your response printed in next week’s issue!
On Monday, the Busch Dining Hall altered its breakfast take-out menu. Gone are the days of the lady behind the counter misunderstanding the phrase “without meat.” We have entered a new era. From this point onward, you will have everything given to you separately. Breakfast sandwiches are now “some assembly required” and are fully customizable. Hard boiled eggs, potato, and French toast/pancakes have also been added to the lineup, proudly placed beside the previously existing cereal bowls and juice cartons. The French toast is very soft and comes accompanied by a sufficient syrup packet. As I appraise it, this new take-out is the best option for a quick breakfast in this entire university--one and a half star rating. Among the best advantages of this change? The increased speed of service as a result of the decreased line size.
Obnoxiously Sized Word Search
Still trying to fill that empty void in your heart that Breaking Bad left behind? It’s okay. We are too. Have an obnoxios word search to placate yourself.
Search Terms:
• ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM • FLOCCINAUCINIHILIPILIFICATION • HIPPOPOTOMONSTROSESQUIPEDALIOPHOBIA • HONORIFICABILITUDINITATIBUS • LOQUACIOUSNESS • PSEUDOPSEUDOHYPOPARATHYROIDISM • SESQUIPEDALIAN • SONORITIES • SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS • CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS • AEQUEOSALINOCALCALINOCERACEOALUMINOSOCUPREOVITRIOLIC • TAUMATAWHAKATANGIHANGAKOAUAUOTAMATEAPOKAIWHENUAKITANATAHU • AFTERCATARACTS • UNCOPYRIGHTABLES
POP QUIZ #3
By: By 2 Girls and a G-Spot | Staff Writer
My management professor is sassier than: A. A gay man drunk on tequila B. A PMSing 16-year-old girl C. My uncle that graped me in the mouth last night D. The black female EE drivers E. Your voice, reading all of these
ATTENTION
Submitter of ‘Breaking Balls,’ the beautifully-written piece of erotic literature that was sent in to us last weekPLEASE SUBMIT IT AGAIN. It has mysteriously vanished from our computers.