This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
25¢
Wednesday, October 1st, 2008
Volume XXXVIII - Issue IV
Jonas Brothers: “Screw Purity Rings... We Just Wanna Fuck!” Simpsons Misquote Leads to Stabbing Highland Park- An unidentified Rutgers student was stabbed by another student at a party Friday night, after repeatedly botching a line from the Simpsons. According to reports, the victim repeatedly quoted Dr. Nick Riviera’s catchphrase, “Hi Everybody!” throughout the party, but misemphasizing the wrong syllables, so it sounded nothing like the real thing. This annoyed one person so much that he couldn’t take it anymore. The victim was transported to Robert Wood Johnson Medical Center, where he is listed in critical condition. After a brief investigation, local police have decided not to file charges.
Travis Barker Survives Another Attempt on Life Evil Headquarters- The entire music industry is reeling as the latest attempt to end the raping of music by killing off Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker failed miserably last week. “We thought that Barker would have been dead after we, shot him in the stomach, replaced his Mohawk gel with napalm and crashed his plane, but the little bastard keeps drumming,” said B. Goldberg, a music industry fat cat. The Evil League of Music has been extremely successful in killing off with artists like Ricky Martin, Aaron Carter and O-Town falling under the guns of ELM assassins. “This is an organization that does not tolerate failure, [Barker] will be dealt with.” Barker gave no comment.
BY FELLATIUS MCDOOGAL CONTRIBUTING WRITER
not the way I was expecting it to look,” said Joe Jonas (the middle child), “I was anticipating it to look Orlando, FL- The Jonas Brothers like God’s lips, but it ended up look(or Hanson 2.0 as they prefer to ing like bulldog with a mouthful of be called) recently came out with mayonnaise.” a statement proclaiming that they Joe Jonas now goes by the threw away their purity rings, which name of Notorious V.A.G. signify their virginity. The younger brother of the The Joe Bros. said in an in- trio, Nick, says he solved the tenterview, “Hey...we just wanna fuck sion between Disney stars Selena as many bad-ass bitches as pos- Gomez and Miley Cyrus, by having sible.” a ménage à trios with them. And that is possible for them “Selena is good, but Miley’s because in a recent survey bad-ass ass is like throwing a hot dog down bitches make up 78% of their fan a hallway.” base, with 13% being Cougars and Rumors have been speculat9% being pedophiles primarily with ing that Nick is known as ‘The New the names of Zeke, Trent and Jeb. Wilt Chamberlain’ around the Dis“I must say, the vagina was ney realm.
Rumors have also been reported that he has contracted Gonorrhea and Chlamydia. “What can I say?,” Nick added, “I have a thing for prostitutes and I’m a-hunkering for some sausage wallets” The oldest Jonas, Kevin (or the Marcia Brady of the group) was not able to be reached for comment, but a publicist has confirmed that he is also a fan of fur burgers. The brothers are planning to release their new song. “I’ll Put My Hand In Your Cookie Jar” and are working on their tour with other headliners including John Mayer and Bret Michaels. The “2008 Prostitot Tour” will cover 300 cities worldwide.
JPChaseAmericaWaMuCoviaStearnsOneDirtDevilFinanicalAmericaAgainWorldCommerceMutualWashingtonBancoEspanaNewYorkFreeCreditReport.com of America Emerges From Bailout BY CAL EN STAFF WRITER
Wall Street- A clause in a “Bailout” bill still making the rounds in Congress will create not only the largest merger in US History, but will create the largest organization in the history of mankind. The idea is that in order to protect the investment the US taxpayer has made in failing banking system, they would need to be centralized and streamlined. Instead of a great deal of banks working against each other, they would be forced to unite, for the greater good of the consumer. “With this new ‘Omni-bank’ the only person benefiting would be the average Joe, as they can use any ATM without incurring charges for using another bank’s ATM! Because they’ll always be the same bank!” said a very excited and unnamed bank CEO. “Let me repeat: this is for the consumer and can only serve
to benefit the consumer.” While several consumer advocates, including Ralph Nader are calling this “the closest to a legitimate, government-created monopoly ever seen,” nobody cares about these people. “Yeah. It’s awesome that
the banks are merging! I had to go three blocks down in order to make a deposit into the Capitol One, but now that they’re all the same thing, I can go to the Citigroup that’s like two blocks away! Think about how much gas I’ll save!” said average Joe, Joe Klamowitz.
The Official Periodical of the Whig Party ESTABLISHED 1970
THE MEDIUM
ALSO NEWS
Wednesday, October 1st, 2008
“Mmmm, What you saiiiiid”
Schiano Pulls Off Gambling Miracle
Fucking Bored
Overcomes Large Odds, Shyster Bookies in Upset Win
...I mean fucking come on!!! Shut the fuck up! Look Professor Douche McTurdstein, I don’t care about Boolean search functions at all! Half of the class is asleep and you just keep going and going... Oh Jesus...my laptop just died...come on, you piece of shit! Fuck. This. Shit.
BY JOHNNY BIBOTCH CONTRIBUTING WRITER
let Knights football team. You may be saying New Brunswick- Coach to yourself right now, “This Greg “God” Schiano has dude doesn’t know what done a lot of things for this he’s talking about; 1-3 is little college we call home. awful”. Well, bro, put down He took us to our first bowl game in over 1,700 years. that pong ball and listen up. Schiano has been No big deal. He made Rutgers experiencing a healthy sala driving force in not only ary these days, in case you Football, but also academ- haven’t noticed. Most of ics, by eliminating over his money just goes into 600 courses that he deemed the bank, cuz the market is “gay.” Easy. And now, he’s shit, in case you haven’t nodone it again, with his amaz- ticed. (See that, Johnny B is ing job behind the 1-3 Scar- educating you on multiple
subjects at once. Shit I’m good.) Ok, so Schiano withdraws two million from his bank account, and heads over to a bookie. He puts down a four-line parlay bet, for Rutgers to lose three games and then win the fourth. The cumulated odds on the bet were just over 150 to 1. That’s right, Greg Schiano has just won Rutgers over 300 million dollars.
I talked to the big man, and asked him what he was going to do with the money. “I’m taking every Rutgers student to Disneyland, and then I’m gonna get every football player a brand new Escalade, and pounds and pounds of Heroine. All aboard the H-train baby, choo choo!” It should be interesting to note that no Rutgers students have yet to be notified of any Disneyland tickets, and Coach Schiano has not been seen in 3 days.
(Continued From Front)
What if ninjas or terrorists came in here right now? I would backflip over this chair and probably use the smelly bitch behind me as a human shield. Yeah... Only two minutes left...Fuck it, I’m leaving!
Girl, 19, Dies From Not Want to Write for The Medium? Sending Chain Letter BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
Philadelphia, PA- Megan Chalmers, a 19 year-old student in Temple University was found dead inside her dorm room yesterday, another victim in the latest strain of Chain Letter deaths across the nation. According to the coroner’s report, Megan received a letter with the subject “THIS IS SO WEIRD!!!” in her inbox on Monday. Seeing that is was forwarded to her by her friend, she opened the letter, read it, and promptly moved it to her trash folder. This caused a series of tragic events to unfold, as the punishment for not forwarding the message was that Megan’s bowels liter-
Submit News Articles to: ally wrapped themselves around her spinal cord. This is not the first time a chain letter has been the cause of murders in the United States. In 1997, a chain letter that was sent out with the subject “Re: re: re: TRU LUV TEST!!! OMG THIS WORKS!!1” was responsible for the deaths of 23,000 men, women and children worldwide. The “Megan” letter was confiscated by federal officials and was placed into a rocket ship sent into Russian airspace. In other news, SEND THIS ARTICLE TO 10 OF YOUR FRIENDS!!! ZOMG!!1 IT WURKS!!! THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YER TRU LUV!
CONTENTS
Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8
News Also News Features Opinions Arts Personals Rug Munchers Whats Shakin’
Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12 Page 13 Page 14 Page 15 Page 16
Business Gas Prices Home Depot John McCain CTRL+C CTRL+V John McCain KITTY!
Cover by: Miley Just Being Miley
News@themedium.net -OR-
Come to a Production Meeting!
Every Wednesday at 9PM in Room 439 College Ave. Student Center WEATHER OR NOT
Today Tonight
Expect Stuff to Condensizetate and Preciprocalize Jibber Jabber Jib Jib Jabber Jab Jib
Thursday New Icons Bitches! Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Opinions Editor News Editor Features Editor Arts Editor What’s Shakin’ Editors Personals Editors
Friday Hi: 98.6 K Low: -32 K Paul Winters Colin Fong Jake Lewandowski John Bender Tim Swanson Al P. Santiago Abe Corey Fineman Dave Imbriaco
Business Manager Staff Photograper Online Editor Advertising Manager Staff Artist Senior Editor Faculty Advisor
Gary Klimowicz Helen Ortiz Paul Winters Gary Klimowicz Al P. Ryan Barton Barbara Reed
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is never o’clock. The office of THE MEDIUM is CAC Student Center Room 439. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM. This issue is dedicated to how fucking hard you have to scrub in order to get that wing sauce stain off of your shirt.
Wednesday, October 1st 2008
THE MEDIUM
FEATURES HADOUKEN!!!
CampusBathrooms.com
The online website concieved and designed specifically for you, the college students who’d rather not do it in a nearby bush. We here at CampusBathrooms.com couldn’t agree more with Ms. Keys on the reverence of the restroom. But we understand that it’s not always easy to find the perfect place to do your business. This is especially true on the unpredictable setting of a college campus, where sometimes even libraries and study areas that are meant to be quiet and peaceful can run amuck with distractions. We believe that time spent in the bathroom should be both peaceful, satisfying, and not disgusting. This is where we at CampusBathrooms.com come in. CampusBathrooms. com is here to help make your toilet time count. With ratings and detailed descriptions of bathrooms throughout your campus, you’ll no longer have to suffer through a sub-par john jaunt. In addition to the rat-
ings system, our forums will help elaborate on the best (and worst) campus bathrooms and stimulate discussion on everything restroom related. Our aim is to make every student’s bathroom break an enjoyable one. Because when you gotta go, you should know! Yes I am being serious here. This site DOES exist and it is not just another Medium Hoax to get you guys to come to our meetings every Wednesday at 9:00 P.M in room 439 of the College Ave Student Center. Otherwise I would be speaking to you as Maximus Vaginus Insertus Supremus. So in other words, no I am not shitting you. Rather, I am presenting something that will help you, the readers, shit on, err, in Rutgers... bathrooms. Like the Medium, CampusBathrooms. com is a service started with the idea of a student, de-
signed for the students, and operated by the students. Unlike the Medium though, this website knows no collegiate borders. CampusBathrooms.com applies to colleges all over the world. To contribute to this service is simple. First, you go to the site, and you are immediately presented with an E-form that can be filled out. You can fill it out, or you can skip it and scroll down to look at the ratings already filled out. If you go with the latter of the two courses, then you will notice that ratings of Rutgers located bathrooms are kind of lacking. That means we have to put Rutgers on the map / in the toilet, so scroll back up. First, fill out the location of the bathroom. Next is the ratings system. There are five categories based off a 1 to 5 scale. Cleanliness is how spic and span the bathroom
New Study Shows That...
looks like how a squeezed stress ball does the moment before it bursts.” With the increase of more and more fatties taken up the trend
and others in his field. According to Therapin, there is a serious threat on the horizon. Recently females have been crossing tights with different “looks” and experts fear that the combination of fat chicks wearing tights and hippies without bras could lead to a holocaust like none other. The “Lackosupportonic plague” could be the most traumatic eyesore ever endured. Critics to the concern of this recent outbreak say they don’t see the harm it in. “I haven’t noticed.” Greg McAkles commented, “Girls should be allowed to wear whatever they want.”
Maverick Staff Writer Foreword by CampusBatrooms.com Grammy award winning singer-songwriter Alicia Keys once proclaimed, “If I want to be alone, some place I can write, I can read, I can pray, I can cry, I can do whatever I want - I go to the bathroom.”
Fat bitches really should wear a fucking shirt!!! Written by Reverand Holyfuck
There’s an epidemic sweeping the nation, and it has just recently hit Rutgers University. Girls of all ages and more noticeably of all sizes have been inflicted with the serious ailment of not wearing pants. The trend of wearing extremely tight tights and passing them off as pants is something of a mystery. The origins of which is scarcely known and experts think that this bizarre phenomenon started when a one-night stand went horribly, horribly wrong. “Our theory,” explained Anthropologist, Rockwell Therapin is that the origin started with just one female or the “Homo Drunkinslutus Sapien.” We think that she awoke after a night of extreme intoxication, confused and thus threatened
by her strange surroundings of AC/DC posters and Axe Body Spray, the Homo Drunkinslutus then instinctively escaped wearing only said tights.” When asked to clarify, Therapin stated, “We hypothesize that the reason the Homo Drunkinslutus didn’t retrieve her skirt is that it would have required her to wake the fat fuck sleeping on top of it.” Interesting enough, from this one seemingly innocent walk of shame sparked a wildfire of spandex and poor decision-making of epic proportions. Virginity is at it’s all time high as more and more girls have been spotted flaunting their muffin tops and cellulite ridden treasure coves. When asked what he thought about this new fashion statement, virgin and World of WarCraft enthusiast, Ron Kline stated that, “It
“...more and more girls have been spotted flaunting their muffin tops and cellulite ridden treasure. coves...”
Kline confessed that he could live with masturbation for the rest of his life even if it meant, “losing a limb or going blind.” This outbreak has affected more than just girls and virgins; Black men have been reported to no longer find “fat-asses” or “junk-in-the-trunk” attractive and New York City has been littered with whispered “No, thanks” and “I’d rather not” coming from the lips of every strung-out crack-head homeless guy in the subway as he watches all the girls wearing the new fad go by. “The worst is not here yet,” warn Therapin
is, Size is the physical dimensions, smell refers to the odor, Daily Traffic is the amount of action the bathroom takes on a general basis, and privacy is how well each stall and urinal is set apart from each other. It’s really quite simple, so go ahead and give CampusBathrooms.com a shot, it won’t hurt you.
After questioning McAkles then returned to the cock he was sucking before our reporter interrupted him. For safety, Therapin advises all those venturing out in public to check themselves thoroughly in the mirror. People infected with the Lackosupportonic plague or as it’s informally known, the Lumps and Bumps, have no sense of style or taste thus, by not dressing like a complete douche bag you will be virtually immune to the plague. In other news, Kraft has reported a dramatic decrease in their cottage cheese sales.
SUBMIT TO US OR DIE! Well, you probably won’t die if you do not submit content to me. Small chance, but ya okay I was lying, there is no chance of you expiring from not contributing to the Medium. But it would be cool if you did and it really isn’t that hard. Just drop an email @
FEATURES@THEMEDIUM.NET
Anything that does not fit in the other sections works here. Not an article, not an opinion, and too long for personals, I will take them.
THE LUNATIC RANTS It is the middle of Septober 2008 MEDIUM Why Can’t New Brunswick Have an Awesome Chicago Deep Dish Style Political Machine? “Oh, time for Septoberfest.”
By Torgo Van Pelt I was admittedly really excited about the November ballot measure to implement a ward based City Council. Not that I was going to vote for it, because I prefer to keep my voter registration back home (side note: 7th district Rutgers students, vote Linda Stender; her name rhymes with spender, which means your tuition could possibly be cut to European levels if you elect her), but I felt that it would allow for more variety in representatives, more emphasis on grassroots organizing and local issues, and most importantly of all, a greater chance for silly fringe parties to gain power. I was so excited for this to happen, that I was ready to write a humorous editorial
endorsing the initative later in the month. But alas, the current council dragged their feet enough, so you won’t be able to put the fun back in functional democracy until November 2009. It is easy to blame the current City Council, and with good reason. Thanks to the fact that the city is a Democratic stronghold, combined with allowing the people to vote for all the councilmen at once, as well as the laziness of people to participate in primaries, leads to a council with little turnover, which eventually leads to inefficiency and corruption. Which leads to my main complaint, if our city council is a bureaucratic, corrupt, Democratic machine,
why can’t it be an awesome and the constant control has bureaucratic, corrupt, Dem- devolved into one heaping ocratic machine? There are bowl of graft, with people having to take a number to buy for favors. And yet, it still is a pretty awesome city, with lots of things to do, and bizarrely awesome occurrances, such as the time the mayor ordered the lakefront airport to be bulldozed in the middle of the night. Despite being investigated for a massive patronage scandal, Mayor Daley got re-elected with about 75% of the vote last FebruChicago Mayor Richard M. Daley: ary. Corrupt as fuck but still better This can be seen in than any elected official New Brunswick has to offer other cities as well. For intons of these throughout the stance, before being thrown country. Take for instance out of office, Detroit mayor Chicago. Democrats have Kwame Kilpatrick had a controlled the city for about massive trail of ethics probthree quarters of a century, lems. Yet, the ethics problems were so entertaining,
we all had a good laugh. And as soon as they are able to create RoboCop, Detroit will be fine. There are tons of these bizarrely interesting stories, from Boston to Louisiana, to various urban centers in New Jersey. But not in New Brunswick itself. Which just begs the question, if we are going to have corrupt one party rule, why can’t it be one of the so bad it’s good variety? We hear nothing of patronage scandals, nothing of death threats to dissenters, nothing of dead people voting. All we get from this is a council that is slightly more favorable to the University and Johnson & Johnson, which some could argue is necessary.
Obama and McCain Lack Hot Air By Rand Badnarik I consider myself a political independent. That is, ever since God’s gift to Liberty himself, Dr. Ron Paul, M.D. withdrew from the race. What sold me on him was not the blind, empty calls for freedom; nor was it the proposal to abolish the FDA, the EPA, and the Nuclear Regulatory Commission; nor was it the semi-visible racism. What sold me on this guy was the fact that for two months, his supporters raised enough money to put a blimp in the Mid-Atlantic states. For those two months, his candi-
dacy turned from something on the fringes of the fringes of the Republican Party to true change we could all believe in. I wanted to vote for him in November, but while he is on the ballot on two states for the general election, neither are in New Jersey. So I felt like I should look at all options. I figured that since they are from the two of the wealthiest political parties in the world, John McCain and Barack Obama would have a whole army of zeppelins at their disposal. To my shock and horror, I discovered this was
Think you can do better? Than come on asshole, send your opinions and editorials to opinions@themedium. net. If you’re still not satisfied, come to our meeting 9pm Wednesday, Room 439 of the Rutgers Student, so that we can fight to the death.
not the case. In fact, not one dirigible bears the likeness of either candidate. This makes absolutely no sense. The only way Obama can fight the secret Muslim rumors are by having his likeness attached to a blimp. And if John McCain really wants to get his life story across, especially the part about him being a POW for five years, what better way than to have an airship inviting the viewer to “Google John McCain?” I’m just completely shocked by the amateur campaigns being run by both men. Did they not learn any lessons
Official Medium Poll!!!! By Cal En We sampled 700 Rutgers students randomly by cell phone to answer a question that is on the minds of not only the entire Rutgers student body, but perhaps everyone in the great state of New Jersey. Results are displayed to the right. Margin of error: 7.3 ROFFLs.
Amazing, Amazing... so why haven’t the other candidates followed his lead?
from the rEVOLutionary campaign of Dr. Paul? Until one of them gets a blimp into the sky (or at the very least, a party balloon), on
Election Day, I will not even to bother to legitimize either of their campaigns with a vote.
���������������� � � � �����������������
Wednesday, October 1st, 2008
ARTS “footlong spicy italian”
THE MEDIUM
Super Rainblow Girls gone wild Search & Find
By Meat Head Sandwich
This week THE MEDIUM staff jumped upon a rainbow of happy times, and we flew to a land of glitter, sunshine, and the most unexpected times. Hearts and stars hovered over shinning hair and morphing dicks, while horny my little ponies were givin each other licks. Not to mention rainbow brite invented a whole new kind of fondue, while skeletor gave a care bear a screw. We learned there’s only enough glitter and sparkle that can be handled by the mind, so the rest of these super naughty times are up to you to find. Can You Find: + A diamond + A hair brush +A moon + A lil cat + A perfume bottle + A pizza slice + A pie + A champagne bottle + A key + A gummy bear +The cocky castle + A Ham + ASSorted dazzling naughty parts Your old pals: +RainBLOW brite + Strawberry shortcock + A cabbage patch kid + Smurfette + A care bear + Rainbow brites little side kick guy, what the fuck is his name? Haha I dont even know. +My little ponnies COME TO A MEDIUM MEETING! WEDNESDAYS @ 9PM IN THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER ROOM 439
THE MEDIUM heroin heroin dexedrine dexedrine
heroin shoelace dexedrine briefcase
PERSONALS If I get Rick Roll’d one more time, i swear to god this whole school is going down!
(Never gonna give you up, Anyone who votes never gonna let you down, for McCain is a racist. never gonna run around Anyone who votes for and desert you. Go nuts.) Obama is a nigger-lover. To the people who sat around To my roommates who de- me at King Neptune Night. cided to play Guitar Hero That was really awkward. It till 3:30 in the fucking would have been nice if you morning on Friday night be- had included me in your confore the Navy game: WTF??? versation since you made me Why the fuck did you put my paper away and blast your fucking shit- were talking across my tray. ty rock music so late at To the poetry readings evnight? I told you all twice ery tuesday night at 9 pm in to lower the music so I the douglass student center could not hear it, and then cafe. You are cool and evto shut that shit off. 5 eryone should attend you. minutes later.THUMP (::Snap snap snap:: THUMP THUMP. Them shits is groovy.) WTF?!?!?! I had to get up early to drive to Math blaster madd hatter. Annapolis to watch Mike Math master madd haster. Teel throw interceptions Terminal stops fucking suck. (obviously you wouldn’t To the girl I was standing even want to come, and next to on the train during I’d rather go with people free NJTransit week talking who are real football fans, about diversity day, I know and I had already bought you are from Westchester tickets to that game be- and I hate you and your small fore Mike Teel threw the town. People from Westchesfirst interception of ter are the WORST. Your sub2008)! I hope you real- urbs suck, and the rest of new ize that I could have fallen york hates you too. asleep behind the wheel Welcome to Rutgers. and crashed. Even on week- (New Jersey Pride! Take that nights, why the fuck are backwoods Pennsylvania! you still being loud at 2 I’ve been to Westchester and AM?!?! SHUT THE FUCK it sucks. The only noteworUP!!! Don’t you have classes thy thing about Westcherthe next day? Because ster is the guys from Jackass of you I had skipped my are from there. Otherwise 8:10 class three times, or it’s a lackluster place that slept through it. I might can’t pronounce “Phone” as well fucking commute or “Home” correctly.) from almost 2 hours away, To the most disgustand I’d still get more edly nauseating anorexic sleep. At least cut the looking bitch on camnoise out by 1 AM. I hope pus: why don’t u eat you’re reading this. Next something...u look like time your music is blastdeath...its like ur body caning past 2:30 AM, or 1:30 nibalizes itself... and stop on a weeknight, I will wearing da same fukkin throw your fucking subpair of jeans everyday u woofer out, and tell the cops nasty filthy slut..since ur flat to give you a noise like a board on both sides, violation. Got it? thank God u atleast wear a (HOOOOOOOOLY SHIT. belt bcuz it’s the only thing That’s a really long per- that helps us know sonal. Usually, I’d send where ur back ends something like this to opin- and where ur ass starts ions or something, but (Now when you say belt, do lucky for you I have a ton you mean a belt that you of Linear Algebra home- buy, or is she so thin that she work to do tonight, so I’m wears a zip tie around her.) just going to print this.) Dude, the movie Battle To that nigger who broke Royale is the most fucked up into my house the other day: movie I have EVER seen! if I ever find you I’m going Seriously, what the fuck to lynch and skin you. is wrong with Japs?
Wednesday, October 1st 2008
“Chewey Cud Cock?” To Hillel House. You can’t To that creeper in my Exfeed 300 kids with 3 piz- pos class: I fuckin’ hate zas. You fucking stingy you. Stop talking to me. so annoying. Jew-bags. Maybe if you You’re hadn’t killed our savior, he To that other creeper in would have lent you his super my Latin America class: multitude feeding Je- See above. sus power. Trim your To potheads. Stop getting fucking side-locks. your dogs high on weed. Ev(Speaking as a Jew, you eryone knows dogs like blow. should happy that they OMG, imagine a dog even let you into their doing a line of snow. house of stingy pizza eat- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAing. And the Romans HAHAHAHAHAHAHAkilled Jesus, remember?) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAMy fingers still smell HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... like lobster pussy from (You wouldn’t believe how King Neptune Night. fucking long that HAHAH (You know that stringy sea- shit went on for. P.S. I really weed you can see sometimes appreciate the personals you in the ocean? Whenever I send me, but for fucks sake, see that, I always tell the and Dave agrees with me, people I’m with that Posie- write some shit that makes don cut his pubes the night sense. Or if you won’t even before and it’s floating to do that, make it so it will forshore now. Yeah, people mat correctly into the paper.) don’t like me at the beach.) to the girl in my AMERIto the freshman girls on the CAN FOREIGN POLEE, holy shit if I had to lis- ICY CLASS M/W 2:50 ten to your mindless shit - 4:10pm in Scott Hall. you for one more minute I was are such an annoyance. If going to kill myself or you. you insist on bring your apparently my ipod did not go laptop to a class of 230 loud enough to drown out students then make sure your retardation. seriously, you first take off your learn your way around cook FAKE NAILS you stuBIMBO! The campus, and no one cares pid about how pretentious your last thing i want to hear is prof is or where your shore you typing with that ugly house is. i swear to god i crap on your hands, and the got off the bus to walk the sound echoing throughout the rest of the way in the rain. entire room. Its bad enough thanks, i hope you all get stds. you chew your gum like a horse so save us all the an(Ahh, those Freshmen girls noyance and either take the love Cook Campus. I know nails off or use your hands you and you’re always there. to take notes. I never thought I’d say it, but thank god I’m on Busch.) (That shit happens all the time in my Econ class. Tons dear lovebirds on the f: can of freshmen on their laptops you please not lick each oth- clicking away all day class.) ers throats in my presence? To the guy in my New it only reminds me of how Testament class: you horrible being single is and have fucking MASit is a constant reminder of SIVE nostrils. You could how alone i am. so please have sex with your nose. find some other place to do your dirty work.. love a future cat lady To that kid who sat in my chair before me in SERC: HOLY FUCK! Take a shower man. After you left the chair was warm and stank of B.O. It was so bad I had to get out of my seat and move back one. I mean really, it just hung in the air. Showers won’t fucking kill ya. Just a little soap and some water. You’ll make everyone’s life happier.
Dear kid down the hall who facebook-stalked his way into my life: stop cock-blocking me and my friends at parties, stop awkwardly walking into my room without knocking, and stop asking for my anthro notes. Thanks in advance. (You’ll learn quickly to wear headphones in your dorm. It’s a really good passiveagressive technique to get people to leave you alone.) To the door at the computer lab on college avenue. What do you mean, “not an exit”? I exit by means of you all the time. Every entrance is by default a potential exit. Anal sex. To everyone on the REXB at around 4PM today, Weds 9/24. I apologize for throwing up my banana walnut muffin and green tea. I especially apologize to the driver I threw up next to, but I warned her. To make it clear as to why all you unfortunate souls had to endure the scent of the half digested contents of my stomach... I had cramps & my vagina was bleeding, don’t hate me, hate mother nature. (Holy shit that’s gross! I honestly read that out loud and went AHH! Nasty.) I feel stupid, but I don’t remember why Fuck all of you dumbass academic advisors at Milledoler, fuck you, you useless peices of shit. You are absoloutly worthless, and beware, I will stronly advicate that your little office is slashed in the next budget cut. Thanks for nothing I wasted everyone’s time here by showing them a video of Stephen Hawking Rick Rolling an audience. Except it’s fake. Joke’s on me, twice.
WANTED: PERSONALS EDITOR! No. Not a joke. I need out since I have too much shit on my plate and I need to be able to relax for once. Sorry The Medium. Come to one of our meetings on Wednesday, October 1st at 9:00PM at 439 in College Ave Student Center. All will be explained.
Wednesday, October 1th, 2008 Dear Professors: I ‘m only half as pissed at you all as I should be. See, because of the inconvient times of your classes I almost had to miss King Neptune Night at the dining halls. Lucky for you, I managed to make it to fucking Tillet and enjoy some fine fish and clams but I didn’t have time for crab cakes and lobster. And for that, fuck you all. Fuck you Plato. I can’t write a paper on someone who makes no fuckin sense. Suck my epistemological nutsack. I hear that you might really enjoy that... My tongue feels like Baghdad (Cotton mouth, or have you been eating too much sand?) I have a stash of secret boogers under the first desk from the right in Scott Hall 202. $350,000 if you find them first! (Haha, I’m the first person to hear about that. Sorry suckers, I got the money :-p) Hey bill gates: My fuckin xbox keeps on fuckin freezing and you douchebags at microsoft keep on canceling my repair order because who the fuck knows why. I wanna play rainbow 6 GOD DAMMIT. Please, stop rolling around in all your money for five fuckin seconds to fix this piece of shit xbox you sold me. Fuck pussy bitch ass. (This is why I never got an X-Box 360. I got a Wii, and it’s mad sexier than the 360 or PS3. Don’t buy a shitty system next time.) I’m Doctor Rockso!!!!!!!!!!! (I’m venturing a guess that you’re really not, you lying sack of shit) to that obliteratedly drunk girl on the EE friday night. holy shit, you missed your stop because your friends left you sitting in an alcohol coma on the bus. maybe you sobered up and realized that your friends hate you, maybe you were still riding at 3am when it stopped. either way, I LOLed. To my boyfriend, I hate you. I know I tell you that all the time and you always think I’m joking. I’m not. Why does the Livingston Student Center smell so fucking badly?
PERSONALS
“My pole is bigger than yours” To the Po-Lice: Running over his clothing in fuck you. love, the NWA search of concealed give way (Comin’ straight from beneath me, and i fell into da underground!) space as than she does. And Somebody get on the drunk if we could amuse her in that bus sober and tell me if insists on my keeping it up they’re driving fast or if it constantly for some wall lines just feels out of control. are seldom continuous for than. (Dude, remember last year more T. F.) when the Drunk Bus crashed (W. into the Parking Deck?) To the most disgustDear Sen. McCain, edly nauseating anorexic I think you should invest looking bitch on camsome of your campaign bud- pus: why don’t u eat get into getting yourself a something...u look like lifestyle lift. Your jowels are death...its like ur body canhogging all your spotlight. nibalizes itself... and stop Put those puppies back wearing da same fukkin in their rightful place: your pair of jeans everyday u neck. Love, A Democrat nasty filthy slut..since ur flat My friend told me he would like a board on both sides, fuck roadkill for 100 bucks. thank God u atleast wear a Obviously he’s totally out belt bcuz it’s the only thing of his mind. I’d pay 75 tops. that helps us know To that girl who passed by me where ur back ends at College Ave: Yes. That and where ur ass starts huge bulge was my cock. To The Writers, Editors, and Now you’ll never receive Readers of The Centurion, you guys. the satisfaction you longed Fuck Facists for at that moment. Sorry. Fucking To the Writers, EdiI was really upset to hear tors, and Readers of that while i was away at Rutgers Review college my house burned the Fuck You guys. down....... until i heard Hipsters my family didnt escape. Fucking To the writers, Editors, and (....I have nothReaders of The Targum, ing to say to that...) lol you’re just whack For the girl who sat behind To the writers and edime in Layton’s psychology tors of The Medium lecture last Wednesday and Fuck you guys. This padecided to blast her fucking per is too awesome to dumb ass R&B shit. Fuck only come once a week. you. I heard every word that To Mary, I wasn’t rewas being sung. You must ally reaching for my be fucking def to put the volkeys. I was scratching ume so high that everyone in my nuts. Just thought you the fucking lecture hall should know. could hear it. The kid next I think Dick McCorto me even said that your a mick receives and Greg fucking inconsiderate Schiano pitches. And cunt. The next time i hear the board of governors that fucking shit i will turn watch. What do you think? around and mike tyson your (I wholeheartedly agree with fucking hears off and jam the your astute observation.) mp3 player up your, most likely, loose pussy. I want to bathe Mrs. Elizabath Scrotum-Gordon in a to the indian girl in large, steaming, floppy my chem lecture, pile of COOL WHHHHIP. b a t h e . (Sounds sexy...) that means, get wet, use soap, rinse, and pat dry. Tell that bitch who’s alit’s bad enough having to take ways up on my jock, “Back the rexb to effing hickman tha’ fuck up before I your three days a week, but i should donkey-punch head off.” be able to enjoy lecture fucking (Donkey punch her without smelling you. She probfrom 5 rows be- anyways. ably deserves it. Bitch.) hind your person. k t h a n k s ~ ! Happy little happy little Yo, Death Magnet- happy little boozer happy ic is fuckin’ awesome! little happy little happy How do fat girls little happy little boozer get into sororities? ( K o r p i k l a a n i ! ! )
EL MEDIO
Medium Poll By Satanic Yoda Most you you are probably aware that there are several other publications available on campus for your intellectual consumption. Some of these, like the paper you’re holding now, are held up as gold standards for entertainment and enlightenment. Others are better used to wipe your ass with or use as period pads, such as the Centurion and Green Print. There are several others that are worthless as well. This week’s question: Which Rutgers paper is the worst? A. The Daily Targum B. Green Print C. The Centurion D. Han Worri (For all you slant-eyes out there) Send responses to personals@themedium.net (Editor’s note: We didn’t include the Rutgers Review because it would win automatically, but you don’t know who they are anyways. Fucking losers at the Review.) To whoever pisses me off To the girl who gave me next: fuck you. Die. Burn herpes: you’re about as in hell. Lick my balls. clean as the first half of FUCK REPUBLICANS!!!! an Orbit gum commercial (Republican vaginas (That’s what you get for have teeth and the dicks fucking a skank with herLook beare small, so I wouldn’t pes, moron. recommend that.) fore you stick it in.) To the whale who just wad- The box saying we need a dled her way onto the LX new Personals editor on at the SAC: 3 other people the other page isn’t a joke! could’ve fit in the space that We need a new personals you’re taking up. I seriously editor so that I don’t do felt the bus tip a little when all of this shit by myself. you got in. Not to mention Think you’re up to the you weigh down the bus with job? Come to our meeting your obnoxious rolls, mak- Wednesday night at the ing it use more gas. You be- Rutgers Student Center ing fat is destroying the en- room 439 at 9:00. Want viornment and wasting my all of Rutgers to see sometuition money. Fuck you. thing you create and be a (Fat people shouldn’t total ass to random peobe allowed on bus- ple? Now is your chance! Kickass submises for those reasons.) (P.S. Keep To Mary, I wasn’t re- sions this week! ally reaching for my those fuckers coming in keys. I was scratching to personals@themedium. my nuts. Just thought you net. We’re getting a TON should know. of submissions and that To that old twat in my Mon- makes this funnier. Hell, day Screenwriting class we may do a special paper No one gives a shit about how of Personals sometime soon much more experienced and if we keep getting more.) well-rounded you are than To the obnoxious Christian everyone else. You’re like guy in my Creative Writing 40 years old, your ass hangs Class: You seriously need like like a fat woman’s gut to re-evaluate your life and over low-rise jeans, and shut the flying fuck up. No worse of all, you’re not clev- one is impressed by your er, or wise, or whatever the pathetic attempts to sounds fuck you try your oh-so- deep or artsy. Whenever very best to come across as. you speak, and I can tell Stop laughing so hard at our other people feel the same professor’s corny jokes, you way, it makes me cringe and look like a douche. Better think of shoving my foot yet, stop coming to class, down your throat and tearyour glory days have ing out your inner organs passed. It’s too bad you’re with a rusty fork. Never too out of touch to read this. speak again or I will be T w a t . forced to disfigure your face.
THE WHAT’S SHAKIN’? Wednesday, October 1st, 2008 MEDIUM On This Day In History Here, Bitches “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.”
September 30th - The Busch Campus Center gave out free blowjobs for people who specifically asked
1999 B.C.E. – John McCain fucks Barbara Walters; abortion is soon invented, and then outlawed.
September 31st - Convocation Ceremonies: Watch President McCormick honorably present Mike Teel with his dignity
1111 C.E. – Conan O’Brien gets the perfect quaff.
October 3rd - Discuss “The KKK and its impact on ‘yo’ po’ black ass’ during the 1950’s.”
Away
1776 – George Washington invents cocaine. 1929 – Everyone realizes Reaganonmics is the worst fucking idea ever. 1975 – Let’s do the time warp again@@!!!!1! Roflcopters
October 2nd – His Excellency Sen. Maj. Leader Congressman (R-Tenn) Dr. Evil to negotiate a new $700 billion, I mean, $700 trillion dollar bailout plan
1994 – Motherfucker says “what” and gets double-dared.
October 6th- Michael Cera stars as a socially awkward introvert who rails the hot chick
2004 - DEAN SCREEEEEAM!!!!
October 7th – Dump your wife for a bad singer as you celebrate Lance Armstrong Day!
POLL 2:
Electric boogaloo Sarah Palin named her baby boy “Trig.” We couldn’t pass the opportunity up, so we polled random students by the grease trucks at 1:00 AM on Sunday. The question is: What should Bristol Plin name her love child? SURVEY SAYS...!
1995 – Michael Moore’s penis last sighted.
2008 – Why the fuck is our air conditioner on full blast? 2010 - Apple invents the iBJ.
Calc: 3% Lit: 16%
Psych: 12% Econ: 8%
Bio: 24% Expos: 37%
YouTube Video of the Week ” n loo
l a sB
’ y l l “Bi
“Billy’s Balloon” is a film by Don Hertzfeldt, the guy who made “Rejected.” You may remember the famous line, “My spoon is too big.” The film is much shorter and equally funny. WARNING: Do not watch this video if you are pro-life, afraid of balloons, or if you’re sober.