10/08/03

THE

MEDIUM

Volume XXXV, Number 5

The Entertainment Weekly Of Making Inappropriate Things Funny. www.themedium.net

Wednesday, October 8th 2003

“SQUAAAAAAAWK! SQUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWK!!!”

Opinions Opinions My wonderful weekend or How powerful I really am By: Michael Stanley Editor-in-Chief

Wednesday October 8th, 2003

Apologies

By Ed McMuffin

eic@themedium.net

Last week I used this space to describe how tired and fatigued I’ve become from working so late into the night and by working I mean drinking.

This past weekend was no exception. It all started this past Friday when I was working— no, I was really working at my job, and running around to get many different tasks accomplished. It turned out I didn’t have any dinner and after having what was a mug (96oz mug) of beer, I had to drive back to my house. I got hungry on the way there, so I decided to stop at the local convenience store to grab a bag of Cheetos X and O’s (my favorite snack food by far!), it turns out they stopped making them. I drove away in anger and accidentally tapped a parked car, by “accidentally” I mean intentionally and by “tapped” I mean tore the rear bumper off and told the driver to “go inside and cry to the clerk, I can do what I want, I’m powerful”.

I had a fight with a friend, and he told me that I owed him an apology.

And I thought about it, and I realized that I’ve worked my way to owing a lot of apologies, and when I think about it some more, it only makes me sad.

I should apologize to my mother for being born. It wasn’t her fault, and I’ve only made her life more difficult since then. Honestly, what was I thinking?

I should apologize for cheating on that one test back in junior high, and those three in freshman year of high school. I lost count after that, but I know I should apologize for all those other tests I cheated on too. And for playing doctor with Julie Spielermeyer in 8th grade. And for telling everyone afterward that she had no boobs.

And I probably should apologize for stealing that ice cream cone from the dairy shop I used to work at. And for blaming the new kid, And for getting him fired. And also for going up on the witness stand and testifying that I saw him take the ice cream cone, as well as a bunch of money that I said he had concealed the evidence of ever taking. And I should probably I proceeded to drive home and it turns out this guy wanted to follow me. apologize too for beating up that one kid in sixth grade because he said my mom Apparently, he called the police on me. When I got home, I found several police cars in my driveway. I stumbled out of my car and threw up on one of was short. And for letting that other kid in seventh grade beat ME up because I said HIS mom was short. And to that one girl I screwed freshmen year the three cops. Evidently, one of the cops recognized me from last week’s in the dorms, Slain Something-or-other, because I kind of forgot to tell her issue of my picture with a fellow staff member. I was released with a that the condom broke right before I came. And I should probably say I’m warning. My warning was to keep the nudity in the paper. So, I will do my sorry for not taking responsibility when she got pregnant, And maybe for not best to keep the local officers happy. offering to help pay for the abortion.

Learned Lessons Lear ned::

Bitch.

Fuck Up..

Be a Bitc h. Fuc k Shit Up Startt Young oung..

Star Eatt w wha hatt y you want.

Ea ha ou w ant.

I think an apology is owed for cheating on those exams in Advanced Super-impossible calculus, and for blaming the kid next to me. And maybe also for stealing my old roommate’s term paper and handing it in as my own. And for getting caught. And for telling the professor that he copied it off of me. And for deleting the file off his computer and copying the same file over from mine, so the evidence supported me. I don’t think I should apologize for punching him in the face after he got expelled, though, because he said my mom was short.

And also I should probably apologize for getting that guy fired at work a year and a half ago, by saying he was threatening the boss. And for calling the boss from a payphone, imitating my coworker’s voice, and threatening her. And for taking that money out of the safe and blaming my boss.

And for telling the owner of the store that my boss sexually harassed me and said that if I didn’t have sex with her, she’d fire me. Especially because I DID have sex with her. And I liked it.

And I should apologize for that one time when I kicked that dog, the stray one that came up to me and looked at me with those cute little eyes asking for food. And probably for throwing my cheeseburger in the trash ten minutes later, too. I don’t think I should apologize for kicking my own dog, though, because my dog is a stupid bitch and she deserves it.

I especially think I should apologize for that unconscious girl I had sex with at the frat house last week. I don’t know her name, because when I looked in her wallet all I saw was a junior high school ID with no name. She must have left her license and student ID at home that day.

I don’t think I’m going to apologize for any of those things, though, What’s the point? Fuck ‘em, because who’s going to apologize to me?

Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8

Boobs Titties Knockers Noonies Breasts Mammaries Ta-Tas

Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12

Cover by: Pat McRoch

Jugs Twins Treasures What’s Shakin

MEDIUM

CONTENTS

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor

Michael Stanley James Cortina Ned Berke Aija McKenzie Jim Cortina Daniel Migliore Paul Simpson Jeff Buechner

Personals Editors Michael Stanley Steve Toboz Photographer Steve Toboz What’s Shakin’ Editor Larry Cheng Online Editor Chris Holt Advertising Manager Ned Berke Staff Artist Pat McRoch Senior Editor Aija McKenzie

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is noon, Sunday. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC - Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903. This issue is dedicated to boys who let girls touch their weiners...give freely of your penis! Or get RAPED!!!!

Wednesday October 8th, 2003

“I’m the female Shockey - how sexy is THAT?”

Be Aggressive, B-E Aggressive

By Brittany Mendenhall (The following is supported wholeheartedly by the Opinions/Editorials Editor)

Why is it when a woman is aggressive people tell her to stop because it’s not ladylike? Yeah well you know what I noticed, when you’re one of those passive chicks that lets the guys come to you, you get no ass.

Some party day this week, I don’t really know when because I haven’t done days and dates since I’ve been in college, my friends were like “hey Brittany you should stop being so aggressive”. Well on Saturday I decided to take their advice. Yeah, wrong damn night to do so. I get invited to this party by this guy I want to jump so bad but I won’t because I think he’s got boyfriend potential. Anyway, I get there and my aggressive party alter ego takes over. I can’t remember if her name is Bianca or Roxy whatever the hell my friends named it, but she’s looking hot and ready to get it on. We’re dancing, we’re drinking that punch that will make us all go blind one day, and damn he is so hot I want to strip him naked in the middle of the dance floor and do things to him that are so not kosher considering its Yom Kippur weekend and all of my friends are Jewish. But anyway I digress and that was a run on sentence (damn expos). My friends’ voices start coming into my head. So yeah, I slow my role a little and don’t throw him up against the wall and have my way with him and decide to just dance with him.

First big mistake. Well la-dee-freaking-da 20 minutes later his hand is in some girl’s crotch and they’re making porn with their clothes on, as my friends and I call it.

And all I can think is “Hey, that could’ve been me”.

Yeah, well you know what? Being passive sucks.

And I’m never doing it again. I don’t care if I’m a little scary and overpowering sometimes. (Dude, guys LIKE that…don’t they? – ops ed.) Damn it, I’m going to become a lawyer, it’s good practice. Ladies, don’t ever be passive.

I don’t care if you think you will get more guys that way.

It’s a lie. I’ve hooked up with X amount of people in the past month and I got none of them by being passive. (I won’t reveal the number for fear someone will actually read this and be offended.) If all the girls in the world were aggressive then I wouldn’t be having this problem.

And so I blame all my issues on you passive girls. If you find a guy you think is hot and he thinks you’re hot don’t wait for him. Chances are he won’t grope you for fear of getting that ever so potent jungle juice in his eye, so damn it YOU grope him. He’ll be happy, you’ll be happy, world hunger will be solved, and there will be peace in the Middle East.

Oh, and for all of you girls who are waiting to find the middle and aren’t even a dot on the “I’ve been getting ass” scale, let me let you in on a little secret- there is no middle. If you’re aggressive you’re a damn alpha female who likes it on top (and last I checked there really wasn’t anything wrong with that), if you’re passive you’re a prude (and aggressive chicks like myself wish you would all disappear so you would stop giving us kick ass chicks a bad name), and if you’re passive aggressive then you’re just a confused bitch who doesn’t know if she should be a bad ass or a prude. So this weekend I want to see all the alpha females throwing those sexy as hell boys against the wall and having their way with them. Be aggressive and love it. There is no middle there is only The Medium.

That’s right, I said it... and I’m spent.

(I’ll use this space to remind you ladies that real bitches do real things. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, or in other words, go out there and fuck shit up! Tell that guy you want to stop holding out on the dick! - Ops.Ed)

Editorials

Israel Inspires’ Ads For Democracy are Misleading (big surprise there-ops.ed.)

By Steve Meck

I am writing in regards to the Israel Inspires’ “Back To Basics” ad that ran in the 10/2 Targum. First of all, it’s worthwhile to note that the dates of these quotes are not printed. This totally negates Eleanor Roosevelt’s and Martin Luther’s arguments which would have to had been made long before Israel’s invasion of Lebanon, the Gaza Strip, the West Bank, etc. These two advocates for peace would not have agreed with these and the many other terrorist campaigns that Israel has been, and still is, involved in. It’s nice that Golda Meir gives no examples of Israel actually acting like a democratic or peace loving nation, but has no problem implying that they are, despite all the invasions and killings they have committed. Ward Churchill was a war fanatic and far from a peace loving man. During World War II he supported the bombing of German civilians in order to crush the moral of the German people. He also thought Joseph Stalin was an honorable and honest man, despite the fact that Stalin killed an innumerable amount of people. It’s reflexive that two US presidents — Reagan and Clinton — would agree with Israel, but it’s especially worthwhile to note that Reagan has also been quoted as labeling Osama Bin Laden as a “freedom fighter.” These are only a few of the reasons that this ad should be disregarded as proof that Israel is a Democratic or pacifist nation.

Does this picture make you happy?

Does it just plain piss you off?

Send your opinions (and rants) about Stupid America, Gay Israel, and Crazy Palestine to Opinions@themedium.net. While you’re at it, take some time away from drinking to come to a Medium Meeting, tonight at 9:30, Beck Hall 003 over on Livingston, yo.

Hi, I’m Julie...I’m Crazy! a “shortie” by Aija McKenzie In college, the idea of “special friends” has run rampant all over campus. People are just plain fucking. Lots of people say that relationships like this are only headed for disaster, as at least one party is bound to get jealous.

Well, let me let you in on a little secret. Bitches are just that, bitches. We’re territorial, and once we piss on you, we better not see you with some skank in the streets.

However, it’s not a two-way street. If I see you with some whore you found, I’m gonna spit in her crispy-ass hair.

Even if I received oral sex from an entire high school football team the night before, you can’t get mad - it’s not like we’re married, you oversensitive fag.

Lessons to be learned: 1. Girls are crazy (and guys are dicks) 2. They have alot more going on than you think...rarely do girls ever have one piece of ass on standby.

NEWS NEWS

“Shannon can’t stop touching herself.”

Study Determines Funniest Punctuation Mark Ever

By Tie Adeline and “Pink Eyed” Jim Cortina Porn Star Extraordinaire and News Editor, Respectively

Walla Walla, WA – Scientists at the University of Walla Walla Washington have finally done what laymen the world over have been pressing them to do for ages: they have cured cancer, AIDS, and gonaherpesyphillis™ (the official disease of Rutgers University). Just kidding. Actually they did something that no one except high school English teachers will find interesting: they have determined the funniest punctuation mark, ever.

“Hands down, the interrobang is the funniest punctuation mark,” said researcher Heinrich Stiltman between guffaws, “I mean, just look at it, it’s so…so… so funny. It’s all weird and stuff. This punctuation mark was doomed from the get go, and if that isn’t funny, than what is?”

The interrobang is a long forgotten punctuation mark, intended to replace the usage of the popular question mark, exclamation point, question mark used in such examples as, “Let me get this straight, you’re sleeping with both my mother and my pet canary, while giving head to the entire Rutgers Jai Alai team?!?” With the interrobang, such sentences would appear as so: “ How could you possibly think that setting my socks on fire while I was wearing them would appease the rain gods and make your hair less frizzy@” “This is clearly an outrage,” argued philologer Frans Moore, “everyone knows that the diptherradoo is really the funniest punctuation mark ever.”

When asked what a diptherradoo was, Moore could offer no reasonable explanation. Extensive research into the diptherradoo has found that it is the name for an archaic accent symbol used in ancient Hindi scripts. It was a medically accurate drawing of a penis ringed by a Boston cream donut, however it was later scrapped for the more practical tilde, though ornate manuscripts to this day still include this seemingly long forgotten punctuation mark.

“Boola boola boola.” Explained ancient Hindu literary scholar, Ivanesh Patel, which translates to, “the diptherradoo has a subtle difference from the tilde of today, it was meant to be pronounced with a bit of a guttural flourish of the sort that one would expect from a man whose penis was ringed by a Boston cream donut.”

Further research will take place owing to the need to test this ancient punctuation mark for humor effectiveness.

Come to tonight’s Medium Meeting. It’s in the basement of Beck Hall, Room 003. We all know that the Alamo doesn’t have a basement, but Beck Hall does, and we’ll prove it to you.

So come to Beck 003 at 9:30 PM tonight (Wednesday) and maybe you’ll be this lucky guy on the bottom.*

* There is at least an equal chance that you will be the unlucky guy on the top. If so, then ouch.

www.themedium.net

Wednesday October 8th, 2003

Urgent News About Your Mom! By: Fernando Caliente`

It seems that these days, people are becoming more and more ignorant. They will just brush anything off as if it’s nothing. Take “your mom” (jokes) for instance. When I tell them, they were once thought to be mildly funny and entertaining, now people tell me they are old and stupid and just don’t care.

Well I don’t think you people realize that when I tell a “your mother” joke, I am dead serious. In fact, it’s not a joke at all.

When I insult her, I mean it because I really do hate that cunt.

When I say I had sex with your mom last night, it’s because I really do have sex with your mother, on a regular basis I might add. Sometimes we do it anal, and sometimes she rides the train with my friends and me. But rest assured, every time we do it, we do it hard and we do it raw. Once in a while I’ll take a shit on top of her after sex, or give her the old jelly donut, or perhaps even a nice donkey punch if she’s earned it. What’s that you say? “This article is offensive and doesn’t pertain to me because my mother is dead?” Bullshit, that didn’t stop me from boning the old corpse a few times. In fact, I probably killed her. That’s right. Today I killed your mom while she was crossing the street. I did it by raping in her the middle of the street, but so hard that when the light turned green she couldn't get back up. Watching that gave me a second orgasm, and that's never happened before. The end.

Roy of ‘Siegfried and Roy’ Mauled in Tiger Attack

By Mike Litoris Mauling dubbed “Gayest ever”

Las Vegas – As Roy Horn, the illusionist of the flamboyant Siegfried and Roy duo, remains in critical condition in University Medical Center, experts are already analyzing the tiger mauling that caused him to be there.

The conclusion that the experts have come to is that this is, indeed, the gayest mauling ever.

The attack, which occurred during a sold out show at the Mirage hotel-casino Friday evening, happened after Roy gave a command to the tiger.

The tiger, named Montecore, refused the command, and lunged at Roy after he was tapped on the nose by Roy’s microphone. Roy tried in vain to beat Montecore away with the microphone, but was ultimately dragged off stage by the neck. His carotid artery was nearly severed.

After long, grueling minutes in what was an exhaustive and extensive effort to analyze the tragedy, analysts concluded that, “It just doesn’t get any gayer than this.”

“The flamboyant ‘partners’, the bedazzling dressed-up Siberian tiger named Montecore, the fact that Roy feebly fought back with a microphone instead of wrasslin’ him barehanded like that crocodile guy – it’s all just as gay as it could’ve been,” asserted Sean McHannerty, one of the analysts. “The only way I could imagine it being any gayer would be if Siegfried had his cock in Roy’s ass, and Roy had been trying to bang the tiger.”

“None of this would have happened if gays could have children, ya’ know? They have to compensate by having tigers,” opined another analyst.

“Gays and tigers, it’s just not natural.”

When asked how it would have been different if it was Siegfried in the attack instead of Roy, Mr. McHannerty stated, “Well, it still would have been just as gay, except that Jew-bag would have Jew’d it up.”

Wednesday October 8th, 2003

“I can’t believe I spent a half an hour looking at pictures of penises online.”

NEWS

Body of Canadian Children’s Singer Found Behind Gymnasium; Campus Mourns

By Cyrano the Imperialist

NEW BRUNSWICK - The body of beloved Canadian children’s singer Raffi was found in a dumpster behind the College Avenue Gymnasium early Sunday morning. The RUPD discovered his body at 2:35 AM after a New Brunswick resident reported seeing several heavily intoxicated fraternity members drag “a suspicious and distinctly Manitoban object” into a University dumpster. His body was discarded along with his acoustic guitar and a banana. Police have declared this “a veritable homicide and the greatest tragedy since Sharon, Lois, and Bram had to shoot the elephant in ‘92.”

Raffi, who was known for such classics as “Baby Beluga”, “Apples and Bananas”, and “Mr. Sun”, rose to stardom in the late 70’s after abandoning a career in folk music for the life of a children’s music troubadour. Allegations of links to Reverend Sun Myung Moon’s “Moonies” and of secret subliminal messages caused Raffi’s career to plummet in the mid-90’s.

His playful, catchy songs made him a favorite for both parents and children. For example, he once encouraged children to use their imaginations and call him on the “Bananaphone.” Authorities think that this sense of whimsy was likely responsible for Raffi’s demise.

“We believe that the murder occurred when Raffi was leaving his gig playing for spare change in front of Pizza City,” commented Police Chief Jacob Trent. “Probably some drunken frat boys asked to borrow a cell phone and Raffi told them they could make a call on his Bananaphone. Now, given their intoxication and the self-loathing that accompanies repressed homosexuality, the fraternity members assumed that ‘Bananaphone’ was sexual euphemism invented by the all-seeing Homosexual Illuminati. To prevent any further psychological emasculation, they promptly beat the singer to death.”

Although Trent refused to officially name any suspects, he walked away muttering that the perpetrators “were probably some goddamn leg fetishists from Zeta Psi.” Meanwhile, the Rutgers community mourns the passing of a legend in their own backyard. “This has made me so upset, that I’m having erectile dysfunction,” admitted Cuthbert Isaacs, LC ’06.

“Whenever I get it up, I think of Baby Beluga, slain with a harpoon and bobbing flaccidly in the cold Arctic sea.” Sylvia Peat, UC ‘07 added “I’ll always love his music, even if it did make me want to shave my head, move to Pyongyang, and engage in a mass wedding with total strangers.”

Correction: Apolygiyes arye duye tyo Brian Dwane who hays inforymed me thayt I misspellyed hyis nayme. Appayrently there yis no “y” in “Dwane.” Sorry abouyt that. Iy’ll neyver do iyt agaiyn. I promyse.

I Realized that last week’s collage could be construed as sexist. So, in fairness to the ladies, here’s a collage o’ cock! Send news articles to news@themedium.net

GMG

“Fuck the Yankees. ”

A Message From the Editor By: Dan Migliore If I could have only one wish, it would be to have a machine gun arm. But not just any machine gun arm; it would use fat and calories to make bullets. That’s right, my body would mass-produce bullets from the fat and calories in my body. Just think...those sticky slimy bullets would come out of my arm, instantly leveling death upon those who would cross me.

But it gets better. Since the bullets would be made of fat and calories, I could stand in my backyard firing that beeyotch until I had six-pack abs and a giant J. Edgar Hoover statue made entirely of fat standing tall and proud in my yard. Shit, I’d put that sucker on my front lawn.

And since I would use so much fat to do so, all I would eat would be Fat Bitches from Jimmy’s Grill (Now that’s what I call a shameless plug. GMG Ed.) So join with me now, students, in a prayer for a machine-gun fat-using arm. Thank you.

How I Lost 40gb Worth of Music, MP3’s, and Priceless Pete and Pete Episodes By: Bryan McKenna The scene is last year, when bandwidth limits were narrowly and fearlessly avoided by our protagonist, bmckenna. He downloaded from all sorts of places, incurring computer herpes, hard drive syphillis, and the clap (on his penis), all in the name of bringing obscure files to the lovely folks of Optimus. He brought Pete and Pete episodes after months of downloading episodes from Kazaa. He brought obscure Italian goth bands with hot chick lead singers. Sure, his files may not have been as popular as Unreal2, but he filled his niche and filled it well.

Then, this year, he had a brilliant idea. He decided to expand his collection by buying a bigger hard drive! That way, he could bring even more obscure shit to the folks on Optimus, and make himself even happier. He ordered his new drive, waiting on the edge of his seat until the day it came. Finally, it arrived in bubble wrap. He hooked it up and took his storage drive out, planning on swapping data from one drive to another. All of a sudden, bmckenna’s roommate comes into the room and announces that there are double registered parties down the way from his apartment! Happy that he can consume ethyl alcohol at no cost to himself, he gladly attends said parties, dragging unstabletruth and solidblu along with him.

Eventually they go back to his house to do shots and rid their mouths of the cheap beer at the parties.

UnstableTruth and solidblu started wrestling very homo-erotically on bmckenna’s bed, and he decided it would be a good idea at this point to do 5 shots of Blackhaus. So, off he went, and he conquered part of the bottle of Blackhaus. He returned to the bedroom where the two Optimus residents were starting a mosh pit in the middle of the floor, and decided it would be a good idea to pull an “Office Space” on his old floppy drive. Unwittingly, he grabbed his old hard drive, and his fate was sealed. After 10 kicks, he realized what he had done, said, “Fuck,” and grabbed the floppy, which he proceeded to beat the hell out of and which Jess cut her foot on later that evening.

When he woke up the next morning, and put the storage drive into his new elite computer, it made a noise similar to a woodchuck being killed by a chainsaw, and was laid to rest on his desk.

Moral: Blackhaus may make you funny to yourself and others, but losing years of downloads isn’t funny at all.

Alright folks...don’t like what you see in The Medium?

Then submit your article to me at Features@themedium.net. And ladies, send in those topless pics like you send into Personals...I’m very lonely. =(

Wednesday October 8th, 2003

Sexscapades By: Imogene After an extremely long day of ignorant Princetonians insisting on refunds on their tickets after they’ve watched the entire show, and stupid Trenton trash asking how much the $10.50 seats were, a few alcoholic beverages were in high demand.

Being one of the only legal ticket sellers, I found myself sitting at the bar a block from the arena in my white cargo mini and Steve Madden stilettos slamming a Yeungling draft.

Meanwhile, surrounded by the Administration in their silk ties and polyester pantsuits sipping their scotch on the rocks and vodka martinis. I think it was safe to say, I was slightly out of my element.

A couple of beers led to a few gin and tonics which led to too many shots of 1800 and before I knew it, I’m in the parking lot of the bar, sitting in my tiny Jeep Wrangler, my legs spread eagle, stilettos against the windshield, getting the best finger job I ever had in my life from the tech director-of all people. There I was gripping the steering wheel, dripping all over my lambs wool seat covers, wondering how the hell this computer geek got so good with his fingers. “I played piano for fifteen years,” he told me. Enough said.

After some heavy panting and incessant moaning, I finally came all over my seat, and miraculously, never even had to touch him.

Apparently, he had “relieved” himself in his pants way before me (I found out later he was a 27 year old virgin-once again, ‘nuff said). A girl couldn’t ask for a better night-got drunk, got off, and got no worries the next morning.

After our illicit tryst in a scummy parking lot of downtown Trenton, I left our boy with a wink and a high-five in my usual laid back manner and strolled back into the bar to order myself a victory Cosmo-how very Sex and the City of me.

All the other suits had left at least an hour before, rushing home to their pregnant wives or starving pussies (pun intended).

So with twenty minutes until last call, I sipped my very girlish martini and contemplated whether or not I should feel guilty about my latest sexscapade.

I stopped feeling like a slut over these things a long time ago-need I bring up the old guys vs. girls cliché? I thought not. But I have to say; it felt pretty exciting to be hooking up with the boss man, even though he’s not necessarily my boss man.

But the question arose, What will happen at work on Monday? Over some careful thought and deliberation, I’ve come to this conclusion: Who the fuck cares?

Everything in this pathetic world comes down to one thing: sexual interaction.

Without it we are lost and impotent.

Someone asks me once, If a bear and a shark were fighting on a level playing ground, who would win? And my answer is, “Does it matter?” I’m just curious to see what their make-up sex would be like.

Wednesday October 8th, 2003

Aries

March 21-April 19

MEDIUMOLOGY Libra

You are a natural-born leader and natural-born leaders don’t need to be told, “You’re a leader. Get your butt up and lead me!” in order to lead. Walk up to a Young Conservatives of USA cookie counter and purchase a cookie. The prices are $1 for Whites, $0.75 for White females, $0.50 for Hispanics, and $0.25 for Blacks (supposedly pointing out to the flaws of affirmative action). But you’ll insist on paying $2 for a cookie regardless of your gender and color ‘cause you’ll claim that you’re beyond any of these narrow categorizations. You may feel unusually horny(ier) this week. Well, use your horns when you’re fortunate enough to have them. There are many hornless souls wandering around. They make everyone’s life miserable.

Taurus

April 20-May 20 Wisdom flowing down from a higher source. Just for you. Can you listen to it and interpret it accurately? C’mon, give yourself some credit. An excellent time to be stubborn with others and very easygoing with your inner voice. No, even better, listen to your innerest voice, who may have forgotten how to talk since the last time you 2 contacted eachother. So be patient. You want that big red leather couch, don’t you? Your innerest voice knows how to get it.think.

Gemini

May 21-June 20

The power-outage in the middle of North America only several weeks ago and the black-out in entire Italy this week. Canada and the USA blamed each other. Italy blames France and France blames Switzerland. McCormick blames fatigue. While there are 6 billion other people and trillions of other creatures and phenomenon, why to go through the torture of blaming yourself. It’s never your fault, except not being yourself.

Cancer

June 21-July 22

You will find a large amount of boysenberry jam in your shoes tomorrow morning, so remember, turn your shoes upside down BEFORE you put them on or move to Sudan, where a man, being a muslim, can simultaneously get married to 4 different women right after having divorced his wife who made him upset. For male crabs moving to Sudan might be easier than living with jealousy and for she-crabs it might be a good idea to take a lesbian lovership workshop. If a man is married to 4 women, then those women are also legitimately married to each other, right?

Leo

July 23- Aug. 22

Question authority. In your case question your ego. “A big majority of our imports come from abroad.” Guess which brilliant monkey said that? A clue: He comes from Texas. Question your ego or you’ll be ridiculed in France like him. Or you’ll be riding a Hummer in perfectly well maintained city asphalts while people you vote for are surveying a tiny whisky distillery in a tiny Scottish island in hope of finding out that they are brewing substance for weapons of mass destruction.

Virgo

Features

“While you were reading this, a bird shit in your hair.”

Aug. 23-Sept. 22

You may all possess the philosophy of Elia Kazan, who preferred to have others get hurt a little instead of getting himself hurt a lot. But who was he to say that those whom he had named before the House Committee on Un-American Activities (a.k.a. Office of Red Witch Hunting) got hurt only slightly? But who are we to say that they got hurt at all? Get on a boat and sail to Marlon Brando’s island. Ask him who paid whom.

Sept. 23- Oct. 22 “I think we agree on that point: The past is gone.” Guess which brilliant Texan said that? A clue: He may very well me a monkey. Apparently all planets are favoring you this week. So you’ll get a free lemonade plus icecream even if you are an Eskimo. If you are a member of the Defense Threat Reduction Agency (DTRA), you’ll get a free shot of Bruichladdich whiskey, aged since the first day of surveillance of the distillery on the tipsy island of Islay.

Scorpio

Oct. 23- Nov. 21

Watch your language this week. Seriously though. Don’t let the context of Medium deceive you. You watch your language or else. A radio station in Singapore got fined 15,000 Singaporean dollars for simulating female orgasm sounds during a morning program. Say it carefully. Or don’t say it all. Drink vodka and milk and fart it all out instead.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22-Dec. 21

Your next exotic spiritual journey might be a marathon beneath the waters of Loch Ness, in an ancient style diving-suit. Either for a charity or just because of an inspiration from a twist in the gas storm on Jupiter but you’ll enjoy it and as soon as you come out of the water you’ll be wrapped around a red tartan and fed haggis. You may be required to moon the statue of William Wallace from the top of the National Bank of Scotland.

Capricorn

Dec. 22-Jan. 19

You may believe in prophet X or Y or Z, each one canceling each other and having jerked off innumerably during their life span before supposedly going back to their Lords. But really, though, what’s the sense in being so sanctimonious? Instead consider joining the next orgy that 400 Japanese will have with more than 500 hundred Chinese prostitutes (male and female) in Quangdong, on the 73rd anniversary of Japanese invasion of China.

Reciprocally, however, you must rape yourselves under a giant mural of Chairman Mao on the anniversary of Chinese victory against the Japanese.

Aquarius

Jan. 20-Feb 18

This is your age... The time has come for the prophecy to be revealed. Oups, it has already been revealed. A gorilla will roam in the streets of Boston, stealing stacks of banana from Korean grocery stores and will get drunk at Greek pubs and will ask directions for Salem. A puritan will madly run around shouting, “We had told you so, we had told you so. Burn him, for Lord’s sake, burn him!” Then the gorilla will come across Arthur Miller’s daughter and fall in love with her. The infidels will get what they deserve: Banana skins. And the fidels will get fingers from Aborigine children.

Pisces

Feb. 19-March 20 You must remain neutral while your left and right brains wage a furious battle over whether to go along with what your forth cordial chamber desires or not. Alternatively, you may agree with what the bottom of your brains (some call it “subconscious”, coarsely) say about the matter yet at the moment of decision betray it and go along with what your stomach tells you to do.

Clearly, it will be a week full of dilemmas. Isn’t Condelleza Rice such an ugly bitch? She is hideous in my opinion. Anywho…Ciao everyone ‘til the next Medium!

So Fucked Up… By: Michelle Malec, the Fearsome Freshman Are you, or have you met a man who belongs to the 1%? I mean those who lick muffs when their bitches are paying their monthly bills, kids.

Well I have a story of someone even more fucking demented.

At my high school graduation party, my buddy, let’s call him Juan, was eyeing my DFF Alice. You may be wondering what a DFF is, but you yourself have one. Designated Fat Friend, you know the chubby people who tag along yearning for any hint of coolness that can be spared. Well, while boozing and smoking from 3pm until 10pm, Juan got himself a fucking mean pair of beer goggles, so Alice was looking pretty fucking tempting. Alice was looking rather Fat Jennyish in her tight jeans and cropped tank top, being that it was hot and she was sweating like a pig.

Nonetheless, Alice returned Juan’s sexy stares. After a couple more Alabama Slammers, those two crazy kids were nowhere to be found. What was to be found an hour later was CSI worthy. Juan invited Alice for a cigarette in the front yard. Giggling like a fat bitch, she accepted the invitation. Hours later Juan comes back into the back yard covered in a dark substance. And I mean COVERED! It was in his goatee and hair, stuck between his teeth even.

He brings his cigarette to his mouth with a bloody fucking hand. Unaware of this, I ask Juan, “What the fuck happened to you?” He looked at his bloody arm and said, “Fuck… I dunno.” Alice is nowhere to be found. We go out front to

inspect the crime scene: Juan’s car. Upon opening the back seat several guests blew chunks all over the sidewalk. It looked like a cow was sacrificed in the worst way. The whole gray interior was now a rust color with chunky texture, and metallic/fishy smell. Bloody handprints covered the windows and door. It looked like something straight out of CSI. If I was a cop and pulled his ass over I would have drug him out of the car and clubbed his ass to death with my nightstick once I would have seen the bloody mess. My cell phone rings and its Alice who is calling from my bedroom all distraught and shit.

I go see what she wants and she’s covered in blood from tits to knees.

Apparently the shitload of bloody mess came from her puss.

Alice explains that they fucked and she had gotten her period all over.

Fuck man, don’t be shy, we’ve all fucked on our periods.

It ain’t nothing, I don’t care if it’s the first fucking day. Weeks pass, and we’re steadily busting Juan’s balls.

Meanwhile, Alice goes to the gynecologist. Low and behold, it turns out, on that fateful night, my DFF miscarried an unknown pregnancy while Juan slurped that shit up like it was last night’s spaghetti... yummy. In the mood to eat now, fuckfaces? Now, next time you fuck a girl and she’s juicing, before you think you’re the fucking man, make sure the shit ain’t red kids. Have a good one.

Arts

“There seems to be a lack of good Bulk & Skull pictures on the Internet.” Wednesday October 8th, 2003

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123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 Looking for a movie to see this weekend? Tired of 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 the same old Hollywood shit? Well then I recommend you 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 go see Bubba Ho-Tep, starring Bruce Campbell and Ossie 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 Davis.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 Bubba Ho-Tep tells the story of what really happened 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 to Elvis and JFK, despite what you may have heard.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 They are still alive, but old and forgotten; just 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 wasting away in a rest home waiting for death. But 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 when an Egyptian soul sucking mummy threatens their 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 peace by killing off the residents, they decide to team 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 up and defend their rest home.

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Movie review by Patrick Reilly

MIGHTY MORPHIN UNDERWEAR!!!!!

Hey Putty! I only got one submission this week, so I’m filling up space with my music reviews and Power Rangers memorabilia. Don’t let this happen again!!! Send me stuff!!! Submit articles, reviews, Pink Ranger’s phone number, and anything arts-related to arts@themedium.net, and also come to the Medium meeting tonight at 9:30 in room 003 in the basement of Beck hall in Livingston. And come Monday night, listen to the Volcano Worshipper’s Hour on WRSU 88.7 FM. AIYIEYIEYIE!!!

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And now…music reviews!!! By the Volcano Worshipper!!!

Belle & Sebastian: Dear Catastrophe Waitress (Rough Trade) By all means, I should be completely obsessed with Belle & Sebastian by now. Eric, my former bandmate and best friend back from my hometown of Hamden, CT, is a B&S obsessive. At one point, he owned two copies of the original first pressing of the band’s first album, Tigermilk, of which only 1000 import vinyl copies existed, until Matador gave it its first widespread release in 1999. Eric has dozens of bootlegs of demos and live shows of the band, has multiple vinyl copies of their entire discography, and has paid hundreds of dollars on eBay to see them on their rare, sold-out U.S live dates. I don’t blame him for any of this. Belle & Sebastian are simply a fantastic band who make incredibly fun, catchy songs that are unlike anything else out there right now. This album isn’t even out yet (as of this writing), and I’ve memorized at least half of it already. I’m not sure how this one compares to any of their other albums, but it’s certainly a great album, and I’ve been listening to it a lot lately. This album has a slightly different sound than their previous albums; it’s their first since leaving Jeepster and Matador who released their earlier albums in Europe and America, respectively, for famed British indie/punk label Rough Trade. This is also their first album to be produced by Trevor Horn, who had previously been a member of The Buggles and Art Of Noise in the ‘70s and ‘80s, and who recently produced tATu’s album. That doesn’t sound like a good sign at all… but actually, the production works wonderfully on this album. The strings and horns on tracks such as “Dear Catastrophe Waitress” and “I’m A Cuckoo” are excellent, and some of the songs, especially the seven minute closer “Stay Loose”, chart new territory for the band, exploring dub rhythms and more 80s sounding synths and melodies. Most of the songs on this album are great, and this whole album is just a pleasant surprise. Time to explore the back catalogue…

Stereolab: Instant 0 In The Universe EP (Elektra) When we got this CD at the radio station, I was overjoyed. This is nothing new, as I become completely ecstatic every time anything new from anyone involved with Stereolab comes out, as they’re easily one of my favorite bands ever. But I was especially surprised and delighted to see this, as I wasn’t sure whether or not the band would continue making music after the tragic death of longtime member Mary Hansen late last year. Oddly enough, this new EP isn’t nearly as depressed as you’d think it would be. It’s certainly not as dark as their previous full length, 2001’s disappointing Sound-Dust; in fact, it’s actually quite happy sounding. There’s even dance beats on a few tracks! This may be their most electronic-sounding disc since 1997’s Dots And Loops (the first album I bought by them, and the one that instantly had me switched onto their sound). It is certainly odd to not hear Hansen’s lovely background vocals; on “Microclimate”, lead singer Laetitia Sadier provides the backup vocals, and they don’t quite sound as right. This is certainly a decent EP (I already like it more than Sound-Dust, which is a good sign) and a very welcome return, but I’ll save more in-depth analysis for their next full-length. It’s certainly going to be a challenge for them to adapt to the loss of one of their key members, but I know they’re up to it. In the meantime, anyone who loves Stereolab, rejoice that they’re still making music, and that they’re still one of the best bands around.

Wednesday October 8th, 2003

“I killed my girlfriend in a car accident...”

Personals Personals

This year year,, the College Ave. Players’ Annual Sketch Comedy has been decreed by the Dark Lord(s).

October 17th, 18th, 24th, and 25th 8:00 PM Scott Hall 135 $5 Auditions for CAP’S productions Eugene Ionesco’ Ionesco’ss “THE BALD SOPRANO” and W oody Allen’ Woody Allen’ss “GOD” will be Oct. 13th and 14th in Scott Hall 123 @ 9:30 PM Although japaneses have short Asian legs and Asian tongues, with yellow skins and slanted eyes and flat nose. They claim themselves as White peopleJapaneses have the most flat faces with flat noses,but how can they be white people? Japaneses are far from white people.

To the girl in my American Presidency class who said that a president needs to be "responsible" out of all the other imaginable attributes to a president...You're a fucking idiot. Don't ever talk again.

-Professor Anyone catch the airborne herpes in Scarlet Pub the other night?

(Fuck, is that what that is, stupid air. Wonderful hookers…)

To that beautiful blonde who also happens to be the daughter of one of my teachers.

Damn you are a fine ass girl. I wish I could have had you before you left for school.

Send all Personals to personals@themedium.net and if you really are fucked up, come to a meeting every wed at 9:30 in Beck 003, bastard.

What the fuck is the deal with all the mutants on livingston? shit, is it too much to ask for a hottie with a big dick (disease free) who is of the caucasion origin? christ, you would think that livingston is one big fat camp and suicide watch center crawling with hairy armpit carpet munching shemales.

Whats a bitch gotta do to get a man sweating on top of her.... shhiiiiit son. Us polish bitches are ruff ryders....Can i get some?

Show the Republicans and Democrats that they both suck and should die and go to hell!

Vote for the men who really know what to do with this country! Vote Chris Rock for President and Lewis Black for Vice President in 2004!

(Sure would be a more religious thing to do then Al Sharpton, Pa-zing…)

To that HAIRY bitch in my dorm with the gay black roomate. Learn how to handle THREE beers and how not to puke all over the bathroom!!!

How can you call yourself a man?

Notice: Gas prices are rising due to the oil spills walking around on Livingston each day.

Why do you blacks walk and talk like it's your hood? It ain't February yet.

To the mexican I told to visit the welfare office 3 weeks ago...Did you go? And the 2 negros standing behind me that I offended. Sorry I didn't see you...it was dark. i have a dark secret that i can't hide anymore. i sit down when i take a piss and i'm a guy! i love the way my penis feels on the bottom of the toilet seat. freak of nature? maybe. comfortable when i take a leak? definitely.

(I am so disturbed, yet so intrigued, ill be right back…)

Ode to Radish aka pothead: Radish loves pot a lot a lot He thinks he smokes on occasionBut hes always blazin' Radish loves pot a lot a lot When Radish smokes up he asks JM to do him up the butt Radish loves pot a lot a lot It lowers his sperm count But JM's penis he will still mount Radish loves pot a lot a lot Radish is a druggie who loves pot a lot a lot to the Ben Affleck look-alike in my Lit. class, ditch that J.Lo bitch and come feck a real latina!

To that lanky whitey with the lip ring taking Theater Apps on Douglass. You are so fucking sexy, even as you drool all over yourself in class. We should start going to plays together so that you can stick those long assed fingers of yours into my quivering snatch.PS- Hope you like it rough.

(According to the subject on this e-mail, this is a black chick. If it is true, miss black chick, please send in some pictures of your ass clapping.

Thank you…) humans rule! dolphins suck it! ucb rules! you the man mike.

To that fuck head on Richardson St. who rides his motorcycle like a fucking pussy up and down the street all the fucking time. You think that sounds good?--you fucker. Learn how to ride a fucking bike before you try and show-off on that piece of shit.

I hope you get run over by several cars and they flatten your head all over the street, then maybe i can fuck your mom at the funeral and make her cry. One day that piece of shit will fall apart when you are trying to impress the guys

To the lovely bitch from home: Why the fuck are you so mean?

Why the fuck are you so fake and superficial? Why the fuck do you think your so hot when even implants couldnt help you and your ass looks like someone put lard down ur pants. I hate your cunt rag, sorostitute, anal loving, std ridden, condescending, cock sucking, crack whore, mother fuckin ass. Everything you encompass and epitomize, i despise whole heartedly. Even your friends i hate, get a fuckin life, and realize no one likes you and your not that FUCKIN HOT. So do us all a favor and go die or get raped in an alley by 2 chihuahuas. Either way i hope i never have to see your fuckin ugly unproportionate face ever again.

Love chino after last year's 16 year old korean girl fiasco, i find myself still attracted to korean girls...although this year they're 17, not 16. mary kate To that beast of a woman in my american history class, learn to brush your god damn arm hair before it starts taking over my desk and eats my pen.

Personals Personals

“O God, my duodenum is acting up.”

This is for South Jerseys version of the White Trash Award, and the winner is T****r from 932 info, you are a cock sucker who lives in a house with non white people because you hate beinga craka, and your sista wants my seamen.

Karlin is a pregnant alcoholic mafia man, take your twisted ass questions and shove them up your very lose asshole.

And to all those chinks with their pimped out hondas. we all know the more noise your muffler makes, the smaller you tiny chink dick is.

(Yes, and if I see another old Nissan with a SIR sticker on it, I will tear off the guys door handle, ram it in his nose, cover him in melted cheese, and leave him to the timber wolfs…)

To the football player who stuck it up my ass without ask- Yeah I got boobs. So what, wanna ing- just because I had sex with fight about it? If so, come to you the first time we met doesn't Beck 003 every Wednesday at mean you're allowed to stick it up my poop chute. And since 9:30. Come and you can use me I didn't even complain when boobies and punching bags. YAY! you did it, you could have at fuck....err, sorry. i meant, A haiku for the stupid bitch least told me about your Leanne fucking std because now I have FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

Leanne's a dumb whore it. You are a loser on and off ~a man of action I will hit her with my car the field I don't care how long www.themedium.net Stupid fucking slut you can keep it up.

If you type japaneses in Taiwan is a country been re- Anti-Asian corner jected by China, and many why korea is much poorer Google. There are only adult other nations, so Taiwaneses than Tokyo? why korean contents in it It proves us that are people who live on with GDP is so low? why korean Japaneses are already cheap inferior complex Taiwaneses gooks can't make anything? sex toys. Japaneses are the are poor people because they why korean gooks copy Ja- diritiest international prostitutes, try so hard that people arund pan? why korean gooks love so there is no other reasons the world wants to pay atten- japanese drama and music why we care about that weird tion to them. and movie? i know there are and bizarre people I'm really angry when they call many many japanese why all chinks are too poor ? me gook How could I dramas(with capture trans- becoz u pigs are so dirty and understant you that we are not lated in korean) and musics s t u p i d . . . h m . . s t u d y gook Koreans are gook be- on korean P2P, because more..ok?don`t be a dog of cause they call them selves korean government bans jap...hahaha HANGOOK So don't call japanese stuff even though Japanese Chinese Taiwan- korean people loves japanese yeah u pigs are real dog of ese.... Gook anymore culture. why only korean jap... study more...ok?

We are angry when we hear gooks have Hwapyung? no- hahaha that word... Only Koreans are body but koreans have If there's no Taiwan...... there's gook!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hwapyung. no computer thers's no internet Understand??????? We don't why u gooks are a dog of and no one can write here want to hear that word.... jap? why u gooks envy China is the #1 whore nation, GOOK japanese high school girls for so Chineses receive dicks Japan is the place where Ko- their uniforms? BoA has ever around the world Chineses rereans take piss. japaneses been singing with japanese ceive 100000000000000 people live on with Korean high school uniform before dicks around the world per day people's urine. Japaneses eat she came to japan. if american army leaves korea, our korea feces for desserts. why korea has been a prov- korea can't defend the japaneses girls are free for ince of other countries for country.korea doesn't have Koreans only 3000 years?and why this fact PAC-3 to shoot down the cruisTaiwan is called world' inter- is not on korean ing missile.and it doesn't have national toilet.Taiwaneses live textbook?why korean gooks enough anti-artillery radar to on with feces around the world have no history? why korean stop bombing from why all taiwanese pigs are in- gooks burn american flags north korea.why u r so proud even though they are de- of assembling jap's stuff? terested in korea? so poor.. fended by american army? u pigs love korean and jap... fuck they ever did for anyone?

Fuckin gooks haha

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003 HOLLER to that sexy ass big bald filipino in like 3 of my classes. Yo boo, ur so freakin sexy and I just want to grab your larger than life brown ass!! Give me some damn bubble tea and let me rub ur beautifully stubbly bald head all day long!! I dont care if you have freakishly big monkey feet or that ur parents found u in a dumpster , WILL YOU BE MY BEST FRIEND??

Dammit, I just spilled ketchup on myself, aww man!!!

to the sleazy senior that lives in a sophomore dorm: get a life. you hang around with people who are three years younger than you and have no friends of your own. why the fuck do you live in a dorm? why the fuck dont you ever hang out with people your own age? i know you think your the cool older guy but really you're that nasty older guy that has to have younger friends in order to not feel worthless. which you are... you make me sick.

(First off, a Filipino mans ass is not brown, its lightly toasted golden brown. Secondly, no, no I wouldn’t…)

to that fat faggot bastard who's hittin on his so-called friend's girlfriend, why don't you slit your throat ya fairy fuck, we all know you're bi, and when we're not there we know you're taking in the asshole. Ya go ask your girlfriends for comfort ya faggot and then bitch about your problems to the world.

Eat dick and die. Wow. You really are a fag.

This personal is out to the entire New York Yankees team. You guys are the fucking biggest cock-lovers on the planet. I know you guys all had to fuck each other in the asses after you won to advance to the ALDS. Fuck all you homos, I’m not a homophobe, I don’t hate homos, I just hate you guys and you are all homos. I pray to god that the Boston Redsox beat you dicks to get into the World Series. Let’s go Nomah! Nomah! Boston Redsox Rule!

this is to that hot piece of ass gymnastics bitch i always see on the L - i verymuch wanna fuck your brains out. Do you think you could do backflips onto my dick, and then pull your legs behind your head as you use ure hands to balance on my unit? That would be fuckin great!

Dearest MonkeyI love the fact that you’re a hairy guiney, and you love to eat pasta all the time. I love meatballs, and boy, I’d love to LICK your MEATBALLS. If you know what I mean, right? K-burg trash!

(I once turned on my TV and saw a movie called “Behing the Scenes: Lick my Meatballs” It wasn’t very entertaining, so I changed the channel and found something better.

(I cannot agree with this Why aren’t my babysitters personal more, Let’s go like that?!?)

Redsox, I believe!)

Lindsay, you’re cute. Get better and stay short and cute. why u gooks cant produce high-tech goods without jap?

To Beth from Philly, The hottest chick on Cook/ for example, most of the parts Doug You are so amazingly inside of cellphone produced beautiful! The whole time I by korean company is imwas at NJP it was about you. ported from japan. why u It was all about you. It's about gooks have big heads but such time we stop bullshitting and small brains?why u gooks don't just do the damn thing! Holla wash ur body every day? back. You know how to reach kekeke Taiwan is still a Japanese Prefecture They have no me.

JaeWon is son of bitch Don't flag, they have japanese flag write like that. You fake and prefecturethey love being Japanese.(You can't read any slaves of china, they hate being chinkWe love being JapaJapanese letter) nese and so do SARWANESE You dirty stupid Taiwanese.

Send all you sick, twisted, perverted, sadistic and catholic thoughts to personals@themedium.net. Send em over and maybe one day you to can partake on an anal adventure.

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003 A big fuck you to the illegal Mexican truck driver who doesn't get my fucking medium paper to college ave every Wednesday, infact I haven't gotten the medium on college ave on a Wednesday yet! What the fuck is up with that shit? I mean I know it's good that I go to the lab to print it out and waste ink, but this is bullshit. I swear I'm gonna call fuckin INS on your smelly round hatted ass if you don't get your act together. Bullshit! And while I'm rambling, how the fuck is Slutgers football 3-1? Who did we pay off for that???

(I hear you buddy. Those fuckin pricks have been fucking shit up for years now. I think we should firebomb that place. Or at least use their paper for, uhhh, rolling papers…)

To those two hot ass pakistani girls that sit in the back of econ of India class and who had money & banking last fall, you biatches are so fucking hot. I know i'm just an infidel to you but we should definitely have a fuckin three-some in my room or wherever. I think that the three of us could finally make peace between India and that shithole of a country PakiLand To those eyeless fucking gooks that live down the street. Go out and hook up your civics and jam chopsticks in those slanty holes in your fat heads.

Go back to busch where you fucking belong so I can drop an atomic bomb hiroshimastyle on that refugee camp. Go to hell. Thanks for SARS and Malaria. White people really appreciate it. On a related note, to whoever makes a distinction between chinese, japanese, korean, etc. - to busch with you as well. Wait for 10 tons of explosive redemption in the future. Die gooks, die.

“Crafty Mexicans and their glass candy…”

Hello. I am prickalicious. Come to The Medium meetings every Wednesday night at 9:30 in Beck 003 on Livingston. Come and we will pierce your eye brow for free!!!

A big kill yourself to whoever runs slutgers.com, that shit isn't funny at all. I'm glad I don't have to read about your sorry excuse for a site in the medium this year! Good job not meeting the deadline, dip shits.

However, although you're not funny, you do have some nice pictures of breasts on the site and I love breasts. Hell yea to breasts.

(I must admit that site is a bit past its prime. But I give them a, uhhhh, q for effort.

Eh fuck it, YAY boobs…)

To the fuck that makes the hours for the livingston store. I hope you die. I hope you god damn die. It sucks enough to live on this dumb ass campus but to have you close you stupid fuckin non-protitute supling store early blows. Stay the fuck open and i will finger your ass (I’ll stay open...)

JAMES MAKES ME STEAL FROM WAL-MART!!!

To the entity down the hall known as spawn. Stop touching the fucking thermostat.

It's bad enough that whenever I go to visit your suitemates I have to hear your incessant croaking and bleating. Can you just shut the fuck up and realize that no one can stand you? P.S. Lesbian sex is only attractive and tolerable if the two of you aren't butch and ugly as hell. Thanks for turning me off from lesbian porn.

Ha ha!! I send in personals to The Medium.

Shouldn’t you?

Send all your sick and twisted thoughts to personals@themedium.net

and I promise to not not rape your cat.

To that hot girl with the tight buns that was at the meeting last week. You best get your ass back again tonight and you better be naked.

No no no no. This tire hunted Mary down. This tire, murdered Mary…

The fro will soon be no more.

Q: What would you call the Flintstones if they were black?

A: Niggers.

(No, you would call then, uhhh, o yeah...)

To that hot bitch with the jack ass for a boyfriend. FUCK ME! bye

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You people writing in to personals should watch your FUCKING language! It's inappropriate and offensive to offend chinks, spics, negroes, crackers, jews, japs and the like. That shit is fucked up and we need more tolerance in this sorry ass world.

(To you fucking people that don’t like fucking curses, comedy, or racial comments: www.targum.net) To that tall blonde chick in my bio 101 class. Next time you bend over, im going to service your ass with a smoked meat log. Congrats *** (OK, not only did you say smoked meat log, but you put in some sort of smiley that i replaced with *. Cause think about it, its to gey, even for us...) www.geeyourvaginasmells.com

to that hot piece of man that keeps catching my eye in class: whenever i see you in class i get so hot that i need slip my fingers between my thighs and tease myself to keep from going up to your desk in the middle of class, straddling your fine self and riding you while everyone watches...i dont know if you know this but i don't wear panties under those short skirts and so if you are into exhibitionism then sit next to me on monday which is the voter registration deadline and you can see for yourself So if a dog can lick its balls in public, why cant my girlfriend lick mine in public without me getting a ticket for 200 bucks.

This country is fucked (So, i guess you should just date a dog, or, nevermind...)

Personals Personals Dearest Parktran. Eat flaming shit and die. Of all the screws at rutgers I hate you the most.

You're all a bunch of fucking queers. I want to smell each and every one of your employees flesh burning after I pour gasoline all over it and throw 16,000 matches on it.

They don't even give fucking cunt ass bitch McCormick a ticket for driving drunk and smashing into cars, but I have to pay because I went to the store to get fucking groceries, of which I can't even afford because the goddamn tuition is so fucking high. I hope Satan assfucks you all without lube when you get to Hell and then makes you lick his dick when he is done so you can get a taste of your own shit you fucking cocksucking motherfucking pedophiliac sadists.

Dear bus driver that decided to take his 15 minute break 10 minutes before class started with a bus full of people trying to get somewhere on time: fuck you...but seriously, i'm gonna find out where you live, re-direct your sewage pipes into my own personal pool, collect your piss and shit for a few months and then drown you in it.

(Well, while we are fuckin up the busses and shit. I wanna holla at that bus driver with the big ass. You know who you are…)

So what i think is going on now is because the aisians have finsihed their conquest of bush, they are moving onto college ave. Fucking gooks. GET THE FUCK OFF OUR LAND! www.woahmanwoah.com To the extremely hot chicks sending in pictures of themselves to be printed in the personals section, keep up the good work... and oh, if you don't mind coming to Busch every once in a while that would be cool too, we lack the extreme hotness you possess (No! The only way for you to partake in our hot chicks is by coming to a meeting bastard…)

Fucking chicks. Not sending in pictures for me to print.

SEND SOME PICTURES!!! Just make sure they are from Rutgers e-mail accounts…

What’s Shakin’

“Hey Griff, Chupathingy, how about that?”

Concerts Wed, Oct. 8-Cracker at Irving Plaze, New York Thurs, Oct. 9-Bowling for Soup at Birch Hill, Old Bridge, NJ Thurs, Oct. 9-Sonicide at JIMI, Asbury Park, NJ Fri, Oct. 10-Donna the Buffalo at Northern Lights, Clifton Park, NY Fri, Oct. 10-The Strokes at Tower Theater, Upper Darby, PA Fri, Oct. 10-Catch 22 at The Downtown, Farmingdale, NY Fri, Oct. 10-Gov’t Mule at Electric Factory, Philadelphia, PA Sun, Oct. 12-Mudvayne at Krome, South Amboy, NJ Tues, Oct. 14-Interpol at Electric Factory, Philadelphia, PA

OK, so no one new sent me anything to events@themedium.net. That brings me to one conclusion. Nothing is going on in the world, everyone is at home twiddling with their dicks, or what have you, and isn’t putting shit together. Either that, or no one wants FREE ADVERTISING. I will literally put any event on this back page.

You have a paper that needs to be written, I’ll put it up. You want to have a baby eating contest, I’ll put that up too. You want a girl to come over to your house, play with your balls, while she blows your dog? Send it to personals, but anything else I will put in. It’s free to write an e-mail and send stuff in that you want advertised, whether you think so or not, people read this paper, and maybe they will look in the back page where your listing will be in big letters surrounded by some sort of shape. I’m getting squirrelly this week because no one sent me anything, so next week, give me something to put in here or I’m gonna get dead baby fetusy. But I digress, in recent weeks I have been rechristened by “close and personal” friends of mine and they were nice enough to, well I’m gonna show you...... with out further adieu....... Panda Man.

Below Me

Comedic Stand-up Wed-Sat, Oct. 8-11-Paul Mercurio at Catch a Rising Star, Princton, NJ Thurs-Sat, Oct. 9-11-Patrice O’Neal at Stress Factory, New Brunswick, NJ Thurs-Sat, Oct. 9-11-Richie Byrne at Rascal’s, Cherry Hill, NJ Thurs-Sun, Oct. 9-12-Colin Quinn at Caroline’s, New York Fri, Oct. 10-Russ Meneve, Elliot Chang, Frank Vignola at NY Stand-up, New York Sat, Oct. 11-Margaret Cho at Beacon Theater, New York

Send events to: events@themedium.net

Special

Wednesday October 8th, 2003

Triangle E. Town Concrete, God Forbid, and ICE

at Birch Hill on Oct. 11 goto www.secondiceage.com for more info

Come to a Medium Meeting, every Wednesday in Beck 003 on the Livingston Campus, but come quickly or the Squirrel will drink all the beer. www.themedium.net.