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Wednesday, October 8th, 2008
Volume XXXIX - Issue V
Brower Commons Fares Well in Draft BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
New Brunswick- Brower Commons fared extremely well in the College Dining Hall draft, which ended last night, picking up star line cook Daryl Higgins from Nelson and adding a rookie janitor from a Minor League Dormitory team. “I’m feeling very optimistic about this year,” says Brower Director Tracy Marshall. “We have added two great people that will really gel with our team.” Brower has been desperately in need of a new line cook after the unfortunate departure of Anastasia Milos, a 14-year veteran who had led the league in Fish Fake outs 3 years straight. She was also the pivotal player in running SAS First Year student Chris McFeely’s chicken parmesan by adding a long gray hair to the marinara sauce.
Recounting the incident, Chris noted that “[Milos] was able to disguise it ninja-style in the sauce where it then exploded in my mouth like a stringy, hairy land mine.” With Milos’ departure, Brower needed another cook that could ruin meals as well as bring something new to the table. Enter Daryl Higgins. Daryl is a 6-year veteran cook from Nelson who has been trying to ruin the food there since Day 1 but has been denied the opportunities to do so because that dining hall is the Mother of Christ of all dining halls and makes amazing food. “With Brower, I have the best shot at destroying the hopes and dreams of students wanting a good meal like God intended,” said Daryl. The other prospect, Carlos
Suarez, is equally happy about his promotion from the Minor League AAA Tinsley Team to the Major League dining hall. Suarez has been on fire since his promotion from the AA Milledoler squad, scrubbing 8 vomit and poop lined toilets in 16 minutes flat. Head Coach Mama Brower defended the acquisition of Suarez despite already having a competent janitor staff in place.
“Although we have a decent janitor staff on hand, we could not pass up on getting a hot prospect, Lord knows how many kids relieve their Brower Power Hour in our crappers and my oh my do they need a-scrubbin’.” Suarez will make his debut on Monday which will ease him into the ebb and flow of Brower work in preparation for Thursday’s Tex-Mex Colon Blow Lunch.
Ben and Jerry’s to Launch Ten New Boobalicious Flavors Dollar Space on Wheel Inflated to 1.25 Space Studio City, CA- The increasing inflation in the country struck at the heart of day-time game shows Saturday as the “Price is Right” Wheel had to increase the amount of the 100 space. “Instead of shooting to match $1, contestants now will try to get as close to $1.25 without going over,” said show host Drew Carey. “Really, Bob Barker is rolling over in his reclining chair as he squeezes another tube of Bryl-Creem on his BLT sandwich.” The economic crisis has also affected Wheel of Fortune by forcing the show to cut down on the extravagance of grand prize vacations. Instead of Hawaii, contestants will just go to Pat Sajak’s house.
BY TIT FOR TAT CONTRIBUTING WRITER
South Burlington, VT- Ben and Jerry’s is bust’n a move in the frozen treats industry in announcing that it will be launching a new line of ice cream flavors—made entirely with breast milk. The decision came on the heels of incessant pressuring from PETA, which has taken the position that women are better suited for commercial milking than cows. Despite initial reluctance, Ben and Jerry’s employees have welcomed the change; some saying that it will be even more marketable than traditional ice cream. “Making advertisements has been a cinch, seeing as women’s breasts conveniently look like ice cream cones” responded one B&J’s ad exec. “...very firm, succulent ice cream cones...”
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New Boobalicious Flavors -Mammary Madness -Lactation Creation -Tit Chocolate Chip -Booblegum -Titstacio -Cookie Dough nt You Want Some of These! -Girls Gone Wild Black Rasberry -Boobies n Bits -Bosomberry -Triple Nipple Nougat Crunch
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Wednesday, October 8th, 2008
“The finest Analrapy money and insurance can buy!”
Apple Unveils New Mouse Prototype BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
Cupertino, CA- Apple users finally have reason to rejoice as the company is doing away with their onebutton mouse and replacing it with the new iMouse, a 58-button, feature packed super utility. “This mouse will offer you every feature that the original mouse did such as left click, moving the cursor and being attached to your computer,” said Steve Jobs at Apple’s most recent product expo. As pictures of the iMouse merged with various confectionary goods displayed on the screen behind him, Jobs went down the new features on the mouse. “First of all, the
iMouse will be able to check widgets on your desktop by clicking the widget button. Another cool feature is that if you’re writing HTML code to include JavaScript in order to activate and recompile your RSS Hub Router to better protect your firewall in cases of webpage certification, then you just have to hold Apple+Option +Shift+A+Y+F11+NumLo ck while clicking the “Publish” and “Junk Drawer” buttons to automatically write the code. It’s as easy as that! Anyone can become a Graphic Web Design Administrative Programmer!” The turtle-neck clad hero also unveiled that the iMouse will have a 2-Terabyte hard drive that can hold 512,000 songs so iMac
users can plug into their mouse and listen to music while listening to music in iTunes on their computer. The mouse will not
Newman’s Own Unveils New Soylent Green BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
Westport, CT- In a press conference on Monday, the Newman’s Own Company unveiled their new Soylent Green, a mysterious new food which is said to be revolutionary. “This new food continues the proud tradition of Newman’s Own creations,” said company spokesperson Susan LaMontagne. “Like our other products, it is all natural with no preservatives, organic and free range, while being aged to perfection to create a delicious taste that you’ll never believe.” But this was not
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pany will offer the mouse at a low price of $780 which may or may not be reduced to $20 one month after it hits the market.
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what they were most proud of. LaMontagne continued, “This food will help solve the hunger crisis. It doesn’t take any more existing resources, and may actually cause less energy to be used over time. Thus, it is one of the most sustainable meals ever created by mankind.” When asked what the ingredients of the product were, she ended the press conference abruptly, saying, “We’ll tell you another time! Besides, it’s named and colored green! It has to be good!” Newman’s Own founder and CEO Paul Newman could not be reached for comment.
CONTENTS
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be offered as a standard device for Macs but Jobs understands the difficulties that Apple has put its loyal customers through so the com-
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THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is never o’clock. The office of THE MEDIUM is CAC Student Center Room 439. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM. This issue is dedicated to boners and how they can either make or break your oral presentation. Lolrus, double entendre.
Wednesday, October 8st 2008
NYAF
“Pipiru piru piru pipiru pi”
THE MEDIUM
How do you do gentle readers?
Yeah, that’s right. A large auditorium of people sat down to watch hentai together. Well, we also dubbed it too.
I recently returned from the New York Anime Festival! Well, actually it was over a week ago, but production fell on the same day of the last day of the convention, so this thing had to wait a week. I’m sorry for all the zero of you that actually cared. A few shoutouts before I begin this trainwreck: Yo, dudes that I ended up walking with from the train station, I wasn’t at a video game convention, I was just too ashamed to admit I spent an entire day in New York at an anime con. I know, right? Also, Guitar Hero: World Tour looks interesting, but I can’t trust Neversoft to magically begin making good note charts, after the shit that was called Guitar Hero III. Second shoutout to that Rutgers dude I saw at the con. We have some manner of bond, now I think. The bond of those that survived the hordes of horrible. I know this because every time I see you I feel compelled to give you a curt nod, and I hope you feel the same. Anyways, enjoy guys!
BUY SHIT!
At a convention, one of the most exciting things for me, and for many con-goers, are the vendors. Vendors sell a great many things. They sell figures (NOT DOLLS), DVDs, manga, knives, airsoft weaponry, clothing. Pretty much anything that your disgusting, nerdy heart desires. That’s right, I said knives. From what I’ve gathered from the great deal of cons I’ve been to (not including anime cons) knives m u s t be sold. There’s always someo n e selling knives. Well, it was being sold at the replica weapons booth, but still. As previously mentioned, DVDs can be purchased. Most exciting to me was buying hentai. Although I’m baby-faced enough to get carded for hentai, I had the privilege of getting to buy hentai from a booth in the shadiest way I’ve ever seen. I was ushered to the
back of the booth and shown a CD binder full of hentai DVDs. He only took cash, which just added to the experience. I got to feel as if I was doing something dangerous and illegal. Yeah, I’m aware that other booths were selling hentai out in the open, it’s just not as awesome. Again, it was way more interesting to sift through a box of unsorted doujins than just looking through a sorted stack. If I wanted neatness and order I have the internet, the con is for the experience. In addition to the hentai, I also bought a Dokuro-chan DVD and two bits of Haruhi merchandise. I’m sort of a fan. A really annoying thing about the showroom floor was that it closed at 6, even if the rest of the con closed at 10. This 4-hour discrepancy was disorienting and annoying. For such an important part of the con, it came and went too soon.
Naruto AND Bleach. The ultra-fail.
What Should I Expect? I’m going to write this section eryone involved in their favorite anime, with the idea that you do not know a sin- but can also tell you everything they were gle thing about anime conventions. So involved in. bear with me “experienced people.” These people are bad enough If you want to feel really good when they exist, but the problem is that about yourself and your position in life, they try and interact with you. As a norgo to an anime con. If you don’t want mal, functioning member of society, this to feel profound disappointment in the is a disturbing and terrifying experience. state of humanity, What they had then I would advise there, at NYAF was against coming to pretty cool, however. one of these. There was a booth I mean, there for something called are cool people, like “Sleeping Samurai” me, that enjoy anwhich involved peoime and want to ple hitting each other meet the people bein mock sport with hind it and buy their foam weapons. There You’re real cool buddy. stuff. (That’s right, was chef Morimoto cool people go to cons! HAHAno) from Iron Chef, to tell us all how to make However, there is this whole other sushi. But mostly, there was a sea of the level, that exists beneath them and... are most horrible people you’ll ever meet. what I can only describe as a crime against At the end of it all, though, I still humanity. There are the excessively hy- say it was worth it. per anime-bitches, chicks that watch Happy travels. and like the SUPA KUTE BOIZ! And there are the creepy older dudes that buy a large amount of lolicon (underagedlooking) porn. The kids that think 4chan is the coolest thing on the internet and have to share it with EVERYONE. There are the kids that love shitty anime like Naruto and Bleach, and super-nerds that can not only tell you evSO RANDUM /B/ LOLOL go to hell.
THE MEDIUM
OP/ED/FRED
Wednesday, October 8th, 2008
“If you have second thoughts, I’m on Twitter.”
RUPD: RU Kidding Me? weapons charges for having corner of george and new
By Dr. Ron Candis a pocket knife in my pockstreet/the livvy quads/red Order-Lee et when they searched me oak lane, but instead they Today I was sitting on a bench, smoking a cigarette on College Ave campus, and I see this Latino guy wearing a half red half black hat with a huge B on the front, tilted off the right side of his head, red and black shoes with black laces on the left, red on the right, a red and black rosary, and just to make sure no one thinks that him being dressed like a Blood (gang member for the honkies here) was an accident, has a red bandanna hanging out of his back right pocket. I grew up in, and around Trenton, the NJ state crapital, and I know a Blood when I see one, but at this point, I wasn’t overly worried about it, he wasn’t bothering anyone, its NJ, we have a lot of gangs, and a lot of colleges, its only natural eventually they would coincide. About half a cigarette later (my watch is broken) two more guys walk up, wearing Blood colors. I paused my iPod to eavesdrop and they start talking about an Econ exam and some business professor. So here I am, sitting six feet away from three members of the biggest and most violent gang in NJ history, hearing them talking about learning better business practices that they can apply to their business. The Bloods are the single largest cocaine distributor in New Jersey, and these guys are bitching about how they can’t afford to fail this class because, get this, they’ll lose their scholarship. Does anyone else see a problem here? I mean, hell, there are scholarships I’m no longer eligible for because RUP fuckin D cited me with
without probable cause or a warrant, and we’re not only admitting people who have to commit a violent felony to become members of their gang, but carry a bladed weapon everywhere they go because they’re compelled to by gang code. Not only this, but they walk around in gang colors, rubbing it in regular students faces that they’re learning to better commit crimes that cost the taxpayers of NJ millions of dollars every year. This is symptomatic of a larger issue we’re having here at RU. Namely, while RUPD officers (especially a certain obnoxious female one) act like total hard-ass swat-cops when they’re outside clothier writing kids (who’s tuition pays their salaries) for smoking some pot or drinking a month before they’re 21, but if there is a report of a violent crime all they do is spam my fucking inbox with the crime report. There have been about 30 armed robberies at Slutgers with the exact same fucking description of both suspects, down to their clothes and the gun used, in the same five fucking places, and RUPD responds by... well... they just don’t. A real cop would put on a hoodie, chill out on a park bench with a 40 of Steele and pretend to be drunk on a Friday or Saturday night (when the robberies almost always happen) and wait for the suspects to show up then focus all that racist cop rage and turn the two black teenagers between 5’7” and 5’10”with the gray hoodies and silver/chrome handgun into swiss fucking cheese where they stand on the
Please let us be your friend. e-mail your opinions about RU or whatever to opinions@themedium. net
file a report and send us a fucking email. Yet we continue to pay them. Editor’s Note: I don’t know why you’re shocked about bloods majoring in economics. Everyone knows that Milton Friedman was quite the cop killa back in the day (mainly because he thought that government funded police was the root of all evil and that the free market was the best way of preserving order). Gangs: Proof laissez-faire economics work.
Maverick: Ur Doin It Rong By Senior Editor Ryan Barton Unless you’re deaf, dumb, and blind, you may have noticed that the word “maverick” is getting tossed around frequently. If you are deaf, dumb, and blind, stop reading this and go back to playing pinball. Now, there’s nothing embarrassing about expanding your vocabulary with catchy words like “maverick,” “psychotic”,
will be, and never was a maverick and I’m so sick of hearing his name and the word together that I’m not even sorry for what happens to the next person who says it. McCain is a whiny pussy navy brat who failed at his military career but got props because of nepotism. He changes his principles to whatever will gain him
a fucking retard. And now this myth has been perpetuated beyond any semblance of reality, somehow. I don’t know how, and there’s no point in trying to figure it out, and now that it’s been blow so out of proportion every shit eating, brainwashed “conservative” out there is chanting “maverick” as if their life depended
One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong.
and “spoiled-rotten-armybrat-with-a-Napoleon-complex.” It’s actually sexy when a guy knows three syllable words, trust me. It’s when you use that one cool word you know incorrectly, modifying something which is not, in fact, what that word means, and ad nauseum (n.b., I am allowed to use Latin words because I am a Latin major, suck it). Can you guess what word I’m talking about here? I’ll give you a hint: it starts with “maverick” and ends with “shut the fuck up already with this maverick shit.” McCain is not, never
a higher position in office because of his inferiority complex when it comes to his father’s and his grandfather’s successes. And he coined the epithet maverick for himself. That’s like calling yourself a demigod because you feel like it, not because you’re actually semi-divine, like Aeneas, or Hercules. Or like me calling myself Mrs. Jimmy Page because I really, really want to be that. What I’d like to know is who first heard McCain call himself that and think “Yeah, that makes sense!” Because they are
on it. And of course you realize McCain will be the last one to know the real meaning of “maverick” because his model of robot is so outmoded that he can’t even use a computer to search it on Wikipedia. Ryan Barton is the Senior Editor of The Medium and does not welcome any feedback by email. If you want to say something to me, you’d better fucking do it in person so that way my fist can respond to your ugly bitch face.
Wednesday, October 8th 2008
ARTS “Daddy, would you like some sausage?”
Bangin’ Breakfast Hunt Search & find
THE MEDIUM By Meat Head Sandwich
In the morning, we know how it goes, you wipe those crusties from your eyes and start a day that just like the last one, blows. So instead of dragging your smelly ass to a bus stop just to hear some dumb assholes flappin their gums, take some time, relax and hang out with your breakfast crumbs. This naughty breakfast is just for you so that you dont forget, the greatest things that you find in life will make your pants wet. Can you find: + A dinosaur + A pregnancy test + A dust bunny + A lil sword + some cinnaBUNS + 2 flies doin it + Aunt Jemima + A french toast orgy + Boobie-side up eggs +Fucky Not to much to find this week, thought your soar eyes might need a rest. So take it easy,enjoy the happy times, and send any requests
ARTS@themedium.net
COME TO A MEDIUM MEETING! WEDNESDAY @ 9 PM IN THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER ROOM 439
THE MEDIUM Dear girls on the second floor of Woodbury who are ridicously loud and annoying; Please shut the fuck up! No one likes you or cares about your Orgo exam. To the chick who randomly banged me and took a huge dump in my toilet before leaving--I must find you! You are the hollandaise to my asparagus! To my neighbor in Katzenbach --stop the frequent fucking! Who the fuck FUCKS fuckin every night! Calm down before your girlfriend is overflowing with dudejuice! I think my Korean roommate just pulled a bunch of cockroach asses out of the microwave. Our room smells like a mixture of public restroom and fish market . Eat a freakin burger and fries!! nothing’s worse than a pretentious Korean on a healthier-than-thou diet. Seriously, what’s the fun of outliving your buddies by 30 years? My bag of Chex Mix from the vending machine has a few holes in it. Apparently the vending machines were intended for the nutritional needs of the hordes of rodents at Rutgers (Guess it saves money on labrats at Busch) Dear Roomie, You’re fucking loud and annoying. Shut the fuck up once in awhile! Stop being a leech and make your own friends you fucking drunk ass
PERSONALS
“OMG Thanks for the rez guyz!”
dear han, when we read this i know youll know its me, and thats why 4 5683 968. i do so much more everyday and sometimes i don’t know how to say it for a writer, what a way to lose words. (editors note: the Medium is not responsible for the ramblings of cunt suckers who speak through their unfunny pussy) To that chick talking to her female friend about that guy the other night: I wasn’t really listening to my iPod. I could hear all that shit you were saying. Did you say he made out with you or ate you out, I couldn’t hear you clearly. Your hickey on your neck isn’t a fucking battle scar either; it’s disgusting. (You’re just jealous that no one will give YOOOOU a hickey...) My sub for Intro to Linear Algebra is way better than my actual professor. Sucks for m e . CareerKnight is the most fucking confusing system ever. It’s not like Career Services ever gets it right. Like last year, that system was pretty shitty, but now Career Knight is even more fucking confusing. Why make searching for a job even harder and more confusing
(Ah yes, as the old saying goes with STDs “Gotta Catch ‘em all!”)
To the “Three Stooges” in the second row, right side of Managerial Accounting at noon. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Your mindless questions are making us dumber and dumber every class. You three are a waste of time and make fucking class, which we all know is painful and slow as is, even fucking more painful and slow. Jesus Christ think before you ask your dumb ass questions! Anyone with half a brain could figure out what your asking about, take two God damn seconds to think your questions through!
dear cousin larry, its me balky. you threw my fucking hi-fi stereo lounge chair out the window and then taped it up with duct tape. I want a new one plz.
to my expos 2 professor: go choke on your 5 page minimum cock. it is a sad day when the length requirement is the only basis for a grade. you have destroyed english.
Dear homeless dude in the purple pants who hangs out at the Catholic Center and by the Black Bookstore, you rock (It must be Street Jesus!!!!) Is it just me or is Pokemon Fever kind of like herpes? You always have it and it just shows up every now and then.
To the African-American male senior in Marketing who is always on his laptop during class: WE ALL FUCKING HATE YOU!!! You know who you are because you make sure we fucking know who you are every God damn day you walk into class. You are un-fucking believable! Your level of arogance is off the charts! You think that everyone likes you, you think your the hottest shit with your iPhone, laptop, and fancy dress. To the ASSHOLE that decided to BLAST Fall Out Boy on the A Bus on Friday at 8:30 in the morning, you should DIE! One, Who listens to Fall Out Boy anymore since they’ve gone mainstream, Two, It’s 8:30AM in the morning. The last thing I want to hear is them while I’m on the bus waiting to take a friend to work! PS, sick ass headphones (It has come to this editors attention that Rutgers is loaded with long-winded basket cases who will not get anywhere in life but on an expensive therapist’s moldy insurance-funded couch. I hate you all. You are the reason why my monthly SSI check will be nothing but a $2 coupon to Denny’s) To the horses on Cook College. I want to fuck you so bad (now here is Rutgers student who WILL get far in life. or far into horse dick) O, what a surprise, another couple of uppity ******* knocked the shit out of some nice white boy on college avenue in the middle of the night. Fucking *******! If you’ve never pulled your pants out and let the warm air from a hand drier blow down the front of your pants, i strongly suggest you do it. It is exhilirating. I’m not sure this will work for fat people. I also am not sure if this will work for women or transexuals. If anybody walks in on you while you’re doing this, simply make a pained facial expression and emit
Complete Armageddon 2008
Fuck you bus drivers for unnecessarily speeding just to end up slamming on your breaks three or four times. You’re going to sit at that bus stop for 15 minutes anyway and fuck my whole schedule up, so what’s the point? Besides you shouldn’t have to take a ‘break’ every time you stop at college ave. You’re a bus driver. You fucked up somewhere in your life and now you drive the tour bus’s retarded cousin around in a circle all day every day... you don’t deserve any breaks!!! Make yourself useful and get me to class on time, I’ve got shit to do Dear Roomie, Turn your mother fucking air conditioner off. It’s 60 degrees outside! Are you insane!? You’re not even here! Unless you’re harboring happy feet, open a window like the rest of fucking society does. Love, Your Roommate. P.S. I rub your cereal on my chest every morning before you eat it. (Are you a female? If so, you’ve got some instant milk for that cereal!) I think I just saw a snail speed by th EE bus I’m on... Ever Since I ate an omlette at Tillet I’ve been on the toilet making omlettes of my own If a fat man falls in the forest, does he make a sound? I happened to have seen yes, and yes, he makes a thunderous thud, which knocks down the surrounding trees, which incidentally, do not make a sound S.O.S. someone has FARTED on the REXB bus and it’s impossible to breathe... can’t reach window... too crowded...I’m going down!!! Tell my girlfriend I don’t love her!!! and that I just wanted to fuck!!! To the black kid in my Communications class: karma is a bitch and her name is Mandelbaum. Guess your $10 bill isn’t so luck anymore! HaHa I really love how Brower’s taken the initiative to put some actual nutrition in our meals by adding protein-loaded bugs!
Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? That bitch owes me mucho dinero! To my Intro to Psych professor: your voice sounds like a cross between Richard Simmons and Darth Vader. Peeez stop talking I currently have the biggest wedgie OF MY LIIIFE... and I’m not even wearing underpants (Sure there’s not a thong lost in that abysmal asscrack of yours?) Those Rutgers cyclists think they’re soooo sexy ridin’ around in their skintight suits, and considering the testosterone levels of cyclists, their thoughts are probably justified The rap music playing down the hall sounds like the spawn of Cookie Monster and Jigsaw from Saw (sounds about right, a love for crunkies and gratuitous violence) HEEELP! I’ve had hotel California stuck in my head for seven straight hours and I absolutely HATE the Eagles! (...umm yeah... Steelers all the way) To the girl who’s constantly on the bike at Livingston Rec-- calm down!! You’re gonna spin that thing off the fuckin’ hinges! (I think I just thought of a great alternative energy source for Rutgers. someone’s off to the patent office. MY IDEA, MIIINE BITCHES) The girl in my Planet Earth class who wears all the lipgloss-- you look like you just gave a fuckin blow job (Dicks are covered in glittery sediment?.... Well what do ya know, they ARE!) The squirrels around seem to be pretty agitated as of late. Could it finally be the time when the oppressed rise against the institution which has stolen their land? Squirrels of the world UNITE!!! (...since a good deal of you already wrote article-length personals, why don’t you come on over Wednesday’s at 9, room 439, and show your stuff. Especially your glittery dicks)
My birthday was yesterday! 21 bitches! to the girls on the F bus who were sitting on either side of my hips, comfortably on those damn gray seats while I had to hold on to a pole, and talked over my vagina for twenty five fucking minutes: FUCK YOU! Just FUCK YOU. Both of you. and one of you purple silkheadband chicks had the nerve to brush your hand near my mound. FUCK BOTH OF YOU! (They talked over your vagina? How does that work? Were they trying to please you and failing?) to christopher the spandex wearing guitar player on the EE on 9/29: me and my 6 roommates are looking for you! your outfit was ugly but your rendition of “im yours” and “the scientist” made up for it. we want to hear you play again because it was lovely!! Love, the girls from new gibbons B1-B2. to the brother of the girl who was a bitch to me during her shitfest who goes here; i got back at her on her wedding night at your party by sleeping with a guy in her bed. NO TOCAR AQUI! (Speak fucking English!) To that fat bitch staring at me as I was eating my fat sandwich. Just because I gave the little birdies a little love doesn’t mean I’m giving your fat ass a bite. To the 2 guys who were trying to pick us up at King Neptune night... your flirting skills are an epic fail... however we have one question for you... PIRATES OR N I N J A S ? (Suckers. Vikings pwn both.) My buddies have been telling me to avoid the Livingston dinning hall, but me being a douche i say “how bad could it really be?” And now after a week of shitting beaver teeth and shooting peanuts out of my pee hole i guess i should have listened. fuck those guys. (Yeah, you should have, dumbass. Tillet blows ass. Even the fucking freshman know that.) Dude, Sig Ep is a house full of fucking faggots ramming each other in the ass and sucking dick afterwards. Ewwww, ass to mouth frat boys.
PERS-ANALS
“Fucking asshole, you are.” -Yoda to nate: i slept with a guy To my roommate: I hope on your sisters bed next the Mexican in the closet to her wedding dress at is paying rent. If not, I’m your party. revenge is a bitch calling the exterminator. for the shitfest she threw. Sometimes after eating at To the bitch Miss Shashay Brower, my bowels grumble from Au Bon Pain, As a so violently that is feels like customer i would like to a cell phone is vibratbe treated with respect. ing in my asshole. Is that too much to ask (What’s your ringtone? Spicy for? So when i see that you fart or silent-but-deadly?) fucked up and rang in a wrong To my suitemates: I AM item and then i corrected TRYING TO SLEEP you KINDLY, you dont CAUSE I HAVE AN have to give me attitude you EXAM IN A CLASS I got it? If i wanted a fucking NEED FOR MY MAJOR mandarine orange salad i TOMORROW MORNING. would of ORDERED IT..... ITS FUCKING 2:30 AT To my professor of Ado- NIGHT AND MY EXAM IS lescent Development: quit AT 9:50. Why the fuck are eating our grades. Fuck- you blasting a movie at ing post them already full volume so late? I am and stop messing with trying to sleep so I can get our emerging adulthood. an A on the exam. WTF?!?! (I don’t want to know how Instead of sleeping, they’re messing with your I’m writing this personal. emerging adulthood...) This isn’t the first time I wrote last week about the I asked you to shut the annoying ‘fake nail wearing fuck up at 2 AM or later. girl’ in my American Foreign Be as loud as you want BEPolicy class (M/W 2:50- FORE 1:30 AM, then when 4:10) and the update on that asked, SHUT UP SO I CANT situation is... she still chews HEAR YOU WHEN I’M her gum like a horse. Moving TRYING TO SLEEP on,i got someone new. To When you have an exam, the annoying couple that sits I will wake you up at 6 in the front row, left side AM. How do you like that? of the lecture hall. We all Thought so. I will call the know you guys are bf and police and ask them to gf, and sorry to break it to you give you a $250 NOISE NO ONE GIVES A FUCK. VIOLATION next time. You two are nauseating, and Got it? Now shut off the so gay: actually i think the TV and GO TO SLEEP. guy IS gay, and someone (Will anyone besides me needs to introduce the girl to take the time to read that? I a hairbrush because her doubt it. Sucks for you, man.) hair looks like a birds nest. By the way, I had to ask you To all the fucktards THREE FUCKING TIMES on the fucking busses, to turn that shit off, and If you’re on a Rutgers bus I can STILL HEAR IT. then personal space is a THREE TIMES. I don’t privlilege not a right. I know why you have to start really don’t give a flying fuck watching a movie at 12:30 if your hand is stuck awk- at night, when you could wardly against the guy next easily have started at to you’s scrotum. Everyone 11PM. SHUT UP. Now I’m on that fucking vehicle needs going to try to get some sleep. to get somewhere, so get (Either get earplugs or your asses closer together, kick some ass, pussy.) and stop making me late for Dear 4th floor whore, next fucking class. (And, to the time you want to spend the fat girl on the back of the night at the sig ep house and B bus, I know you saw all get anally train raped by a those people trying to get in, bunch of fucking douchebag and I know you had at least frat guys, don’t brag about a foot of room behind you, it the next fucking mornand no i don’t give you ing....you’re a filthy whore props, stop being an and i hope you shit blood for inconsiderate cunt.) at least a month. (Seriously, has anyone got- (A few points: 1. That’s typiten herpes on the buses yet?) cal of girls that hang out at Dear Girlfriend: I am not da Sig Ep and 2. Sig Ep guys mama. You need mental help. would totally do that shit.)
Medium Poll
THE MEDIUM By Satanic Yoda
My balls are fucking MASSIVE. Like, really huge. If you see a guy walking down College Ave with a massive bulge in the crotch area, those are my balls. I had to get my pants custom made so they can fit inside - getting arrested for indecent exposure is a bitch. Also, girls have a hard time handling them. At first, they’re like “OMG you have huge balls, fuck me!” but then they choke when I teabag them. Don’t believe me? I’ve killed 3 girls already. Waking up next to a dead chick in the morning is really, really, really creepy, but somewhat satisfying at the same time. This week’s Question: How big are my balls? A. Tennis ball-sized B. Basketball-sized C. Barack Obama’s balls-sized D. Bigger than the MOON!!
Dear Neighbors, Do not come at me about being too loud. I cannot control the sound feet make when walking up and down stairs. It’s your fault you decided to live in a college town, you obviously fucked up your life and you probably should have killed yourself when your wildebeest of a wife reached 400 pounds. Besides, we have to put up with the sound of that sea cow yelling every fucking morning and we don’t say shit. So the next time you decide to threaten us about how your going to ‘pop’ one of us, I’m calling whatever zoo your wife escaped from and having her put down. you know what i hate? jews & their 98734965 fake ass holidays. who the fuck celebrates new years in sept? come to class & take the test with everyone else. you dont deserve a make up day. and stop making up holidays to compensate for you not being able to celebrate christmas...fools. (Someone’s bitter about not getting matza or 8 nights of presents.) To my boss at work: I never thought I’d see the day when someone in upper management took a female employee into the walk-in fridge, put a hot dog bun around his cousin’s male parts, and videotaped her eating around it while maniacally laughing. Congratulations, you officially win the title of “America’s Most Fucked up Kitchen Manager.” (Where the fuck do you work, a whorehouse?)
(We got a new editor this week! Everyone say hi to Kaitie, the new other personals editor! Make her and I extra happy by sending us whatever the fuck you want to personals@themedium. net. If you want to go the extra mile, you can come to our meeting at 9:00 PM at the Rutgers Student Center Room 439. Submissions were awesome this week, keep those fuckers coming!) Why do people named “Katie” or “Caitlin” insist on spelling their names in like 100000000 different fucking ways? It’s more than pretentious, it’s just really fucking gay. To the homeless lady on the L bus who was dancing on the pole. Quit distracting the driver, he can’t give you money and drive at the same time. On a side note, please don’t lift your legs onto the pole when you’re not wearing underwear. (Homeless people pole dancing? Jesus Christ, that’s fucking gross. Go figure it would happen on the L.) To anyone who has ever showed up to a lecture hall relatively early and insisted on sitting on the outside seat even though the entire row is empty: FUCK YOU!! Drop out of college immediately you fucking selfish fatass morons. Don’t give me that annoyed look, you’re the one who showed up two minutes before me and thought it was a great idea to sit in the seat that blocks 15 other seats. I wish polio on you. (I love submissions that I can relate to.)
THE MEDIUM
WHAT’S SHAKIN’?
Wednesday, October 8th, 2008
“[The Medium staff] is a team of mavericks.”
Here
Thursday, October 9: Jews across campus participate in ritual HaraKiri starvation ceremonies in order to clear the sinuses. Saturday, October 11: Elliot Spitzer’s hooker holds a seminar on job opportunities. Tuesday, October 14: Bake sale fundraiser to help promote obesity awareness.
On This Day In History
2000 BCE: Morgan Freeman narrates the creation of the birth of the world. 1999 BCE: Morgan invents black people and eclaires. 1491: Remember when the Cherokee weren’t clusterfucked? 1912: Rose doesn’t make any room for Jack on that damn floating debris. 1952: Ghandi and Mother Teresa co-author “Kama Sutra.”
Away
1963: Aww...fuck.
Thursday, October 9th - John McCain atones for his sins at Yom Kippur Menucha services. Saturday, October 11: Kathy Griffin auctions herself on eBay. Starting price: her dignity. Monday, October 13: King Jupiter Night to take place in the Atlantic Ocean. Lobsters will enjoy an all you can eat human buffet. Soylent Green is Newman!
2000: In retrospect, that Y2K bomb shelter was a bad investment. 2003: Icelandic singer Bjork revolutionizes poultry-chic at the Oscars. 2006: Rutgers football team undefeated 5-0. 2005: That religious bitch in “The Mist” gets shot. Finally!
This is why I’m pissed off.
Questions? Input? Comments? Bitch-slaps? Send your feedback to events@themedium.net.
It’s Monday at 3:45, and I just got out of my last class of the day. I’m waiting at the College Hall stop for the RexB to get back to Busch. I wait 12 minutes for the damn bus, and it doesn’t even stop. I run after it, hoping to catch it at the next stop. All the while, I’m cursing off a storm. The bus randomly turns left going who the hell knows where. I know that’s definitely not it’s normal route.
I will now leave you with a KT Tunstall song. Her face is a map of the world Is a map of the world You can see she’s a beautiful girl She’s a beautiful girl And everything around her is a silver pool of light The people who surround her feel the benefit of it It makes you calm She holds you captivated in her palm Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see) This is what I wanna be Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see) Why the hell it means so much to me I feel like walking the world Like walking the world You can hear she’s a beautiful girl She’s a beautiful girl She fills up every corner like she’s born in black and white Makes you feel warmer when you’re trying to remember What you heard She likes to leave you hanging on her word
So, I’m in between Douglass and College Ave, and I get onto the EE bus to transfer to the H to get back home. I get on the bus, and it’s SRO. This is the long bus, too, the one with the acordian hinge. Still, I’m dry humping the door, and I see this one guy standing in the aisle, and there are, like, 10 feet of open space in front of him, and there are a bunch of us cramped in the door vestibule.
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see) This is what I wanna be Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see) Why the hell it means so much to me And she’s taller than most And she’s looking at me I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower A big strong tower She got the power to be The power to give The power to see
Hey, Jackass: I hope you get cancer, fight it with chemo, have it go into remission, and the get it again years later when you don’t even expect it.
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see) This is what I wanna be Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see) Why the hell it means so much to me
Toolbag.
YouTube Video of the Week t u O lips
F y l l i e R ’ O “Bill DANCE REMIX” My friends and I call this video “Bill O’Reilly freaks the fuck out.” His issue in this video is that he can’t read his teleprompter, and he’s bitching about it. Needless to say, somebody made a dance remix of it. The original is funny, too, but this wouldn’t be out of place in a club. When you watch this video, notice how his combover flops around all over his head. “I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, FUCK! I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, FUCK! I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, FUCK! I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, go, go!”
“Combovers are sexy!” --The Girls Next Door I suppose you’ll want the URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5j2YDq6FkVE