10/15/03

THE

MEDIUM The Entertainment Weekly Of Rutgers Universlutty.

Volume XXXV, Number 6

www.themedium.net

Wednesday, October 15th 2003

In this week’s Medium...

An Apology from Ned Berke

A Medium Exclusive: The True exchange between Boston’s Pitcher Pedro Martínez and New York’s Bench Coach Don Zimmer

Special News Feature!

Do-it-yourself News Article!

Hate Spics?

Oh, you hate spics huh?

Happiness?!?

I said happiness!!

How to be a pimp at Rutgers

A Review of Quentin Tarantino ’s Kill Bill: In Haiku!!!

Have Penis?

Stay away from me, you’re a sick white man!

The Personals!

No, I said happiness!

What’s Shakin’

Let’s go RedSox!

Opinions

“Asshole Crews are forever...”

Wednesday October 15th, 2003

Game 3 of the ALCS Pedro vs. “Zimmah” By: Michael Stanley

When I was trying to think what I’d write my editorial box on this week, I couldn’t help but write on the events of Game 3 of the American League Championship Series. If you didn’t already know, I am a Boston Red sox fan. I was just as shocked as everyone else when Pedro hit Karim Garcia with a pitch to load the bases, but I was even more shocked with Don Zimmer and the Yankee bullpen’s altercations.

Much of the news I’ve read around here, the NY metro region has been biased towards the Yankees. Much of what I’ve read defends Don Zimmer, a 72-yearold man who came towards Red sox ace, Pedro Martinez. The media has been having a field day saying Pedro was on the offensive when Zimmer came towards him for what reason, I do not know. Why would the ace of the Boston pitching staff want to risk injury when an overweight hotheaded man comes towards you with aggression?

However, espn.com a very reputable source for sports information had a poll for users, according to the poll roughly 63% of the users thought Pedro Martinez was only defending himself. It’s quite obvious that the New York area is biased against anything that could be negative against its team, the Yankees.

The New York Mayor, Michael Bloomberg said if the events of Zimmer and Martinez had occurred in New York, he’d have Pedro Martinez arrested. I couldn’t believe the tripe that came out of this man’s mouth, a man who I once thought was intelligent. Bloomberg was born in Massachusetts and has obviously joined the New York Yankees bandwagon like so many celebrities and other personalities do. Pedro Martinez was defending himself from an overweight 72-year-old man who came towards him in an aggressive manner. Pedro had no intentions of hurting the old bastard, he simply acted in defense, stepping aside from Zimmer, not punching or attacking him like he could have easily.

The Yankees also erred when towards the end of the game pitcher Jeff Nelson and outfielder; Karim Garcia attacked a Fenway grounds keeper for waving a flag during a double play that ended the top of the 9th inning. There are two sides to that story, but of course I believe that the Yankees lost their cool, especially the hotheaded Garcia who was hit by a pitch earlier in the game. The grounds keeper was hurt and the situation is currently under investigation. I believe that the events with the grounds keeper should be treated as serious as the event with Pedro and Don Zimmer.

Fucking Shit Up: A Girls’ Guide

by Aija McKenzie, Opinions Editor(ess) supposedly I should have a seminar on girls learning not to be silly skanks, so I’m gonna start putting in helpful hints for all my lovely ladies {even if you’re a silly/stupid/fatjennyish/slutty skank now, I’m inviting you to rise up and take heed} Taking Up Space I can be graceful, but I’ll never be dainty, not in a million years.

I’ve noticed that a lot of girls like to sit all cute and pretty on the bus, being careful not to let her thigh or asscheeck touch the seat dividers, even if nobody’s sitting next to them. Why do they do this?

Why do you feel the urge to make yourself appear “small”? I see it all the time, silly little girls that hunch their shoulders in when sitting down, all with that dazed, hungry look in ther eyes. Pay attention this week, see if you notice it, and watch to see if you yourself do it. Now look at the way men sit on the bus, especially when they have room. Legs splayed, arms extended out, taking up space. This, girls, is your homework. This week, I want you to take up some space. If you’re sitting on the bus, and you have the room, stretch your arm out, and drape it on the seat next to you. Feels good, doesn’t it? When you’re in class, stretch out your legs and slide down in your seat. Fuck posture, if posture was an issue here, wouldn’t guys have hunched backs by now?

You deserve as much space as anybody else, and you’re scrunching yourself up like it’s gonna look like you weigh ten pounds less. That dainty stuff is for silly girls, not women. Especially not women who fuck shit up.

Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8

Penis Dick Cock Pecker Johnson Pee-Pee Weiner

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Cover by: Michael Stanley

Jimmy Dong Schlong What’s Shakin

MEDIUM

CONTENTS

Politics here, naked Arnold there...let’s all be happy! After you finish masturbating, send your opinions and editorials to Opinions@themedium.net. Or, come to a Medium Meeting to masturbate - down at Fraggle Rock - and by Fraggle Rock, I mean Beck 003, Wednesdays at 9:30 HOORAY FOR EQUAL OPPORTUNITY

by Glenn Meeks The concept of California now works at so many levels for us, doesn’t it? The ultimate rewind of the movie begins with the likes of Ronald Reagan. For most of you, that is a movie actor as President of the United States. HE WAS PREVIOUSLY THE GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA. IT IS COOL TO BE A CALIFORNIAN AT THIS MOMENT. I will make a prediction and say that the entire cast from “Predator” will be elected to an important political office and then the master plan of world domination will be foiled come because Arnold Schwarzenegger is actually a good guy that will discover a new planet for us to live on. I look forward to his consultations with the president.

The next Governor of California is Arnold Schwarzenegger. That’s “SCHWARZEN-EGGER”. I will make you rich, but you will pay for it. Can I have a HUMMER now?

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor

Michael Stanley James Cortina Ned Berke Aija McKenzie Jim Cortina Dan Migliore Paul Simpson Jeff Buechner

Personals Editors Michael Stanley Steve Toboz Photographer Steve Toboz What’s Shakin’ Editor Larry Cheng Online Editor Chris Holt Advertising Manager Ned Berke Staff Artist Pat McRoch Senior Editor Aija McKenzie

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is noon, Sunday. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC - Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903. This issue is dedicated to Australia beating Argentina in the Rugby World Cup 24-8 - GO WALLABIES!! Balls.

“She’s just a cock monster, she can’t help it”

By Ned Berke The Apology So they say I crossed the line, and to be honest, I have no idea what that means.

To those who don’t know (which should be most of you unless you’ve been talking to Chris Lang, Editor-in-Chief of the Targum and thus have heard wildly inaccurate tales) I am currently the target of a harassment complaint. The complaint has been filed

by Carmen Cusido, the University editor of the Targum and target of two Retorts to Retards columns. She doesn’t like what I had to say to her.

But, indeed, this column is entitled “The Apology” for a reason. No, I won’t be saying sorry for what I’ve said. I stand by every word of it. Carmen is a treacherous liar through the omission of facts due to sloth, apathy and stupidity who I’ll spare no ground to. What I’ll apologize for is the fact that she’s a humorless idiot, and that she was offended by my opinion.

The harassment complaint is presently being reviewed by the school’s judicial system, but I suspect (and, indeed, hope) that my printed words are protected by free speech. Without a doubt, the opening paragraphs describing Carmen in the midst of giving sexual favors to administration members are covered by satire. However, what may be considered harassment by the university is the fact that I delivered these issues to the Targum office… with handwritten notes… twice.

Even some benevolent intellectuals on the Medium staff claim I’ve crossed the line. Some say I crossed it because of the personal attack on her (i.e. the graphic description of sexual favors to faculty members) and not just her writing. Others say it was the fact that I delivered the paper with a handwritten note each time I wrote about her. The former holds no sentiment with me. We are writers. We represent ourselves through our chosen words. An attack on our writing is an attack on our character - it is personal. A good writer (which I do not claim to be) pours their heart and soul into their work - a good journalist does the same to illuminate Truth and Justice - as clichéd as that sounds. The actuality that she omits or distorts facts for whatever reason is very telling of her character, and thus I have no remorse over saying what I’ve said.

As for delivering the paper to the Targum office with a note attached, I don’t see how I’ve committed any wrongdoing in that either. I wanted her to see, directly and not through a friend (presuming she has one or two), that she was written about. I wanted her to see that someone was out there reading her wretched words and seeing the bullshit there. I wanted her to know that she was making mistakes and inadvertently lying to the public - the public that she, under the pretense of being a journalist, is supposed to be watching out for and not insulting their intelligence. As for the note - well, I thought there was still a bit of good humor going around and it was meant to be funny. Little did I know, Carmen is a humorless twit.

So I still don’t know what crossing the line means. As a journalist, make-believe, as in Carmen’s case, or otherwise, the only prize our eyes should be on is that of Truth. Resume whore-hoppers like Carmen who are only trying to work their way up without regards to the purpose of their social function (i.e. the fourth branch of government, public watchdog, promoter of public discourse and democracy, etc) only contribute to the public distrust of media. This is not to mention the damage they do to democracy and society itself. To me, betraying the people who supposedly trust you is crossing the line. Climbing power ladders at the expense of Truth and Justice is crossing the line. What Carmen did was sick and disgusting and it crossed very real ethical lines in journalism. What I did was mindless satire, poor taste, and bad jokes (i.e. the Medium).

Again, this article is called “The Apology” for a reason. I am sorry Carmen is a bad journalist. I am sorry I had to write about her. I am sorry she decided to file a harassment complaint against me. Yet, still, I can’t fathom having crossed any lines. But then, someone once told me that the only people who know where the line is are those who have crossed it. Maybe I should ask Carmen.

PE PENIS N PENIS PENIS PENIS IS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS

by Aija McKenzie, Opinions Editor PE PENIS PENIS NI PENIS PENIS PENIS S PENIS PENIS PENIS

Penis, Penis Everywhere...

IS

Retorts to Retards

Editorials

PEN

Wednesday, October 15th ,2003

When a girl says she wants to get laid, that doesn’t necessarily mean she wants to sleep with you specifically. So it seems as though all the wrong dicks are knocking at my door these days. I’m sure it’s not just me; my girl friends have stockpiles of skeevy guys just waiting on their front porch. Maybe it’s the messages that we’re sending out. Being a female rugby player, I spend my time immersed in a stereotype of lesbianism. Because of this, I sometimes feel the need to overcompensate, like chanting “Penis, Penis” at parties, and saying things like “I *heart* the cock.” Maybe that gives the wrong impression, and men assume that I give away vagina for free. As we all know, that is not the case.

I should be one of those girls that get a nickel for every awful man that wants to put it in me. Some examples for your reading pleasure....

1. I was in Savannah, Georgia, for Saint Patrick’s Day. A man walked up to me and greeted me with “Hey, Shawty.” Let’s keep in mind that fact that I was 5’9" to his 5’3.” Just for good measure, he had a mouth full of gold. Not just gold teeth, these were Fronts. Being that he hardly knew me at all, he requested that he come back to my hotel room and perform oral sex. In his words “Whass wrong wit chu gettin’ ate out befo’ you leave, guhl?” Everything, that’s what.

2. I was enjoying myself at a club, dancing in one of those good old All-Girls-Dance circles. Suddenly, who comes behind me to dance but Mr. Young-butt himself. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he must have been there on his eighteenth birthday. We’ll call it dancing, but it was more like honing his dry-humping skills. My so-called “friends” didn’t even come to my rescue when I made the “Help Me” face, but then again, maybe it’s because he was so small they couldn’t see him behind me.

3. Again, I was at a club – this time it was Webster Hall, so bigger club = more losers. On a side note – why do guys always dance with you when they have boners? And why do they try to hump you with these boners? What, are we having sex now? You’re gonna get that thing through my jean skirt? Fuck off, horndog…So yeah, suddenly this tiny man, and by man I mean 30 years old, tries to put it in me in the dance floor. I turn around and of course he’s 5’2" (does the little man have a thing for big girls? Is it a role reversal deal? ‘Cause I’m so not down with that). This is the blackest black man I’ve ever seen in my life…all I see is a big cheesy smile, at breast level, of course. I make my move to haul ass to the ladies’ room, and he decides to grab me by the arm. Really, little man? Are you aware that I’ll fucking kill you? Gracefully and disgustedly, I slide away…

4. This guy that I’ve been acquaintances with (and done a little flirting with), just comes right out and says “I’ve been trying to tap that ass for 3 years, when you gonna let me tap it?” Oooh, way to make a girl feel special. When do you get to “hit it?” As of now, never. Boys, you will never get a respectable piece of ass with lines like that, I promise.

I’ve said it before, this is college, the land of casual sex, and it’s really not that hard to get an in, but when you say things like that? No way. You’ve got to be slick about it, silly. Say something like “Hey, you should come over and watch movies,” or even easier “Let’s drink.”

I’m sure all of you have equally horrible stories, but the point is this: Girls (and guys – sure you want ass, but do you want it from the sorostitute that has a cold sore and dick breath?) complain about how hard it is to get ass these days, and it’s not because of the lack of people willing to give it up; it’s the fact that these people are all the wrong people. The ass you want, you can’t get, the ass you get, you don’t want, always the same story. Solution? Let me know when you find it, yo.

News

“From now on I’m worshipping the Aleve gods.”

Wednesday, October 15th, 2003

Hillel Hires Select Security to Safeguard Aganst Future Attacks By: Troy Crowder New Brunswick - Following a recent incident where a guest speaker was hit with a pie in the face (I don’t even think that the pie was kosher! -ed), Rutgers Hillel has taken measures to improve security at their events. Sunday they announced their hiring of East Brunswick security firm Select Security for future events.

“We are happy to be working with the S.S. team,” said Albert Meshugganah, Minister of Information for Rutgers Hillel. “They have a great record and are good at keeping those undesirable elements at bay.”

A spokesman for the group, Avi Ben-Shachtmann, stated that his firm “looks forward” to working at the Hillel House.

“We have a good relationship with Rutgers University, working in the past at the Paul Robeson Fly Mamas Fashion Show and securing the Rutgers Board of Directors meetings. And despite these recent worries of more bias-related events, we know we can keep things under control.”

“It will be a lot of work keeping an event secure,” said BenShachtmann, “but as we know, work makes you free.”

(Troy Crowder is a Rutgers University Graduate student with world domination plans and a fiesty toy poodle named “Nobbins.”

He has thrice won the national Japanese schoolgirl panty eating competition through willful deceit.)

What da Fuck?!?

By: Troy Crowder Staff Mamma’s Boy So I’m driving around this past weekend and on the news I hear about some teen girl in the Bronx who won a $13 million settlement from a hospital because she was born with cerebral palsy.

Now I don’t have a problem with malpractice suits and this one seems legit (even the hospital admits they’re at fault as they messed things up when she was born) but what I couldn’t help thinking was, “WHAT DA FUCK?!?”

If this girl had been born perfectly and the hospital hadn’t screwed up, how much could a Bronx girl expect to make in her lifetime?

(Just look at J. Lo, she makes more than 13 million in a year! - ed) What are the odds she doesn’t get knocked up as a teen and become a crack whore? Or maybe she stays clean and gets some jobs, with a Bronx education she’ll only go so far. Obviously, the odds are slim that anyone from the Bronx, much less anyone anywhere, is going to end up making $13 mil in their life. Unless they earn it by waiting for their rich parents to die.

She may have to live with cerebral palsy but life could be worse for this girl. If I was her I’d watch my back or my parents might push my wheelchair down the stairs. If she can give herself a happy life, more power to her, but I sure hope she can recognize how lucky she is in getting this cash.

(Troy Crowder is the proud recipient of a Medical Marijuana prescription. He also plays a mean kazoo. Ladies wishing to contact Mister Crowder about his “Special Love Serum,” may do so by dialing 932-INFO and asking for Sahim Kansas.)

This flashing picture came to me from a devoted Medium fan all the way at the Univeristy of California Riverside, I know we have to have some devoted fans willing to flash us here at Rutgers.

Send the boobs to news@themedium.net. Well, now, I hope that you’re happy. Now that there are boobs here, we can’t put an ad here. (Ha ha, Ned!) However, I can beg you to come to our meeting tonight at 9:30 in Beck 003.

New Pope to be Elected From Pool of Thousands By: Henry Rarisan With the health of the pope waning and the Vatican scrambling to find someone to replace him, the Catholic church has decided to cash in on the recent trend of reality “Survivor-esque” shows to find the perfect candidate to replace the 83 year old holy man. The show is tentatively titles, Passage to the Holy Land, in which ordinary Joes compete for the ultimate moral prize, and $1 million dollars. The Vatican has already whittled down the entries to 3 individuals. First is Gina, the sexy and conniving brunette, who’s really very moral on the inside. This is the first time a woman is even being considered for the Papacy, but they believe this will help curb some of the homosexual activity in the church. The next is Griff, the tough, rugged gay man who isn’t afraid to walk around naked in front of his congregation. This is also another surprising candidate given the churches recent stance on homosexuality. The third and final candidate is Edward Cardinal Egan who has served the church for most of his life and is the conservative’s choice for becoming the Pope. The church has decided to put them all into a church and see if they can coexist, while doing challenges related to their upcoming holy work. The Fox Network has already purchased the rights to broadcast the reality show and is hoping for monster ratings after such disasters such as Temptation Island 13: The Search for More Hos, and Paradise Hotel.

(Henry Rarisan is a fine up-standing member of the community who came under fire last year when a picture of him eating a baby surfaced in the April 2, 2003 issue of The Medium.

No longer a baby-killing murderer, Rarisan now works part-time as an abortion doctor.)

Boy Rejects Girl’s Friendster Request; Girl Heartbroken By: Ponytail Jones Peoria, Ill. - 17 year old Marisa Jones was heartbroken last Thursday afternoon as a guy who she’d seen online rejected her request for friendship on popular Internet website and emo dork hangout Friendster. Marisa had been connected to Alex Kidwell through Alex’s friend Jimmy who was connected to Marisa’s friend Jessica, and when Marisa saw Alex’s profile, she knew she had to ask him to add her to his Friendster list. “His webcam pictures were so cute, even if they were blurry, and he likes Death Cab For Cutie and Modest Mouse, and so do I!!! I knew we’d be a perfect match for each other’s Friendstership!” Marisa sobbed on her Livejournal. “I was hoping we could add each other and exchange testimonials, and maybe talk to each other on AIM... But when I tried adding him, he rejected my request without explaining. I tried sending him a message and I’ve been waiting all weekend for him to reply, and he hasn’t. I’m so sad! I wish my friend Beth never told me to sign up for this stupid site.” She then cried herself to sleep listening to the new Dashboard Confessional album.

(Ponytail Jones is an internet sexual predator, he likes 13 year old girls and Cowboy Bebop. He is not the marrying type.)

Wednesday, October 15th, 2003

“Insert your comedic quote here, just no pornography.”

Do It Yourself News Article By: (Insert Your Name Here) and “Pink Eyed” Jim Cortina News Editor Guaranteed accurate for at least 100 years!

Jerusalem - Last week, terrorists bombed (city in Israel), (number under twenty) were killed, while (number under fifty) were injured. (Prominent middle eastern politician friendly to Israel) proclaimed “ (pro Israel rhetoric, and platitude about national security).” “ (Pro Palestinian retort claiming unfair Israeli occupation),” said Palestinian Leader (Random Arabic sounding name).

In response, Israel had ordered air strikes on (city in Gaza strip, Syria, or anywhere else for that matter).

“This is an outrage,” screamed (Male Name, first and last), U.N. Ambassador to (country), “Israel has taken the law into its own hands and superceded the U.N.’s authority.

There should be a meeting of the security council regarding this issue.”

“It is funny how every time there is a suicide bombing in Israel there is never a meeting of the security council, but when Israel retaliates, there is always a call for a meeting. I wonder who the U.N. really cares about.” jabbed (conservative pundit or Israeli spokesperson).

President (current U.S. president) has created a plan for Middle East peace called, (trite Madison Ave name for Middle East peace plan) and says that he is “optimistic” about this plan.

However, Peace in the Middle East is expected to finally come in May of (year at least 1000 years in the future).

I like hopscotch. More than I like porn. OK, so that was an obvious lie. But I was told, “No more penises on the same page as ads!” Or some other such drivel. Fucking fascists. I should be able to put penises and boobs wherever I damn well please. Send complaints to business@themedium.net. Send news articles to news@themedium.net.

Police Blotter -

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John Ramirez was arrested on charges of conspiracy to create pudding, and was let off upon seizure of his corn starch.

Fred Mertz was arrested for trying to break into “the show.” He blamed his actions on a woman named Lucy, whom I apparently love, saying “if that damned Puerto Rican would just let her on his show, none of this would have happened.”

Three youngsters, Eric, Jim, and Steve, were arrested on the roof of a State Records Bureau building in Trenton in 1998. Eric was wearing Natchez war paint, Steve, full army camouflage, and Jim, fucked up clown make up. Shut up.

7,962 Rutgers students were pulled over for Driving Under the Influence of Alcohol last week, all attempted to blame “fatigue.”

And all were promptly beaten and made to limp home with no shoes.

John Wilkes Booth was arrested and hanged for the assassination of Abraham Lincoln way back in 1865, but we failed to report it, sorry.

News

World to End in 2005; Yanni Expected to Survive By: Henry Rarisan Staff Asian #1 (Newly Promoted) Athens - In a startling report from the top scientists in the world, the earth was given a one year clock of survival. “The earth will simply stop spinning, the atmosphere will dissipate, and this planet will be like the moon in a sense. Every organism will die off in a matter of minutes..... well everyone except for Yanni.”

The Grecian artist has been a popular mainstay, along with John Tesh, in the new age music scene and it is very strange that he would be the only survivor.

When asked to comment on just why Yanni would survive, a leading scientist in genetics, Doctor Hans Lieberman explained, “It is all about Yanni himself, and the way he has developed. It seems that even if there is no oxygen, Yanni will still survive on the air of mystery and awe that surrounds him.”

With this startling revelation, many cults have formed around the artist.

Revering him as god, these Yannites continually pray to him so they might be saved by his haunting melodies.

Yanni was not available for comment, and all calls to his motor home have not been returned.

“He will deliver us, oh yes,” said one Yannite, Joshua Balist, “He will deliver and enchant us when the time is nigh!”

(Henry Rarisan is Asian, ‘nuff said.)

Nasty Ned says, “No more nudity by my ads!” So instead of the nude full body shot, I opted to just give you Ned’s head. But don’t give Ned head, that might be construed as dirty, and scare our advertisers, and we wouldn’t want that, would we?

GMG

“My bros are down for the unity. ”

Drinking Game of The Week: Drunk Driver (aka. Toll Bridge) By: Beerman This game is a variation of “High/Low”, a game so elementary I will not be reviewing it here. Sorry, class. What you need for this game is a deck of cards, some people, and lots of beer. Start by dealing out six cards in a straight line, so they go as follows: Face Up, Face Down, Face Up, Face Up, Face Down, Face Up. If at this point you are wondering what the difference between “Face Up” and “Face Down” is, I would like you to do me a favor. Go to the nearest bus stop. Wait till a bus comes; it doesn’t matter which. After it stops, place your head under the front tire. Now just wait.

Ok, for those of you still with me, you now have in front of you a “road” (the line) of cards. The dealer will ask you “High” or “Low” in regards to the card closest to you. Guess “High” or “Low” for the first card (face up). You’ll be doing the same for all face up cards. The “Face Down” cards are “tolls”. You drink for a long as the card dictates.

Now we get to the fun part: drinking. Number cards are self explanatory, there’s a number on the card. Drink that many seconds. Face or picture cards are as follows: Jacks- 11; Queens- 12; Kings- 13; and Aces14 seconds.

The object of the game is to get from one end of the “road” to the other, paying all “tolls” along the way. Sounds easy, huh?

There’s a catch. Every time you are wrong, you start all the way back at the beginning of the “road”, and another card gets added to the end. So start playing this game, and soon enough you’ll be driving drunker then President Richard McCormick.

Wednesday, October 15th, 2003

How to be a Pimp at Rutgers

By Nice Guy Eddie The First Rule; You need a stable dumbass.

How you goin’ to get bitches? It easier then you may think. You find your ladies dancing the night away at 4 am on Easton Ave. These bitches love the beer, drugs and attention. Roll in with your finest gear, Gucci product, and what have you let them know you have money. Try to separate one of the younger ones from the herd and pretend like you’re with her. You leave with her, there is a good chance she’ll be yours. Don’t be afraid to throw some bills at them in the beginning, you’ll make them work it off later.

The Second Rule; Don’t Fuck the Merchandise Don’t develop an attachment to one of your bitches; they will use it against you. They’ll be like ‘I thought we were going out tonight’ or ‘I don’t want to be in a gang bang’ or ‘I don’t think that’ll fit up my ass.’

The Third Rule; Keep the Stable Clean Most of your business will be repeat customers; you don’t want them to get an STD (It’s STI now… gotta be PC up in this piece. GMG ED.). Keep track of your girls; make it a point to inspect them once and a while.

The Fourth Rule; Choosing your Pimp-Mobile Why do I need a car? Because when you tell a bitch to get on a double E and head over to Hamilton she has a tendency of not getting there. Make sure your girls get to where they need to go; if necessary, park and wait for them until you know they’re done. Secondly, don’t be a knock off motherfucker getting a Cadillac, this is not the fucking 70’s.

The most appropriate ride is the Suburban or other roomy SUV. Make sure you got tinted windows, whether you’re token or just getting sucked off, you’ll definitely not want to be seen.

The Fifth Rule; Know your Clients Mostly you’ll be pandering to groups of losers. White cracker masturbators; they love to play boring ass computer games and downloading massive amounts of porn. They have lots of money, and too timid or shy to cause you any problems. The second group is the horny ass Asians. They’re into anime and freaky shit, but they pay well. Some of these little fuckers like to go rough on the girls; be prepared to offer an ass kick and if they pull some karate shit don’t be afraid to pull out an ice pick.

So my little ones: Keep pimping those hoes, but don’t come on my turf or I’ll kill you, bro.

Hey! You! Yeah, you! Submit an article, story, funny picture or something of that sort to Features@themedium.net. You’ll be cool!

Penetrating Douglass, Part Three: The Shocking [And Long-Awaited (My bad Brian! -GMG Ed.)] Conclusion By: Brian Dwane As I was observing hot girl on girl action, my cover was blown. One of the Douglass residents started to play with my fake tits and took off my shirt. Instead of breasts she saw my rippling muscles (washboard abs, monstrous biceps and pecs to die for!) “Oh my God!” she exclaimed “You’re the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen!”

My muscles drew in the attention of all of the girls in the building. About 300 in all, were standing around me stroking my muscles. Then one pulled down my pants. “Wow, that’s the biggest penis I’ve ever seen! My luscious vagina is dripping in anticipation.”

So I inserted my 21-inch Johnson into her steaming vagina. The sensory overload of my beautiful body,

ravishly handsome face, and large Johnson sent her into a screaming orgasm within seconds.

“Do me next!” They all screamed. That night I slept with three hundred girls (Didn’t do much sleeping HAHAHAHAHAHAH!) That was only the third time I had ever done that.

Through my investigative reporting I have found that Douglass is beyond fantasies wildest reach. Inside the golden gates of Douglass, it is just one big orgy.

Sociologically, I have learned that when girls are alone all they do is have sex with one another. I have also learned that atmospheres with hot-bodied women having sex is not for everyone, just studly guys like me who can handle it.

Medium Meeting. Tonight (that’s Wednesday, jerkass) Beck 003. 9:30. Be there or be somewhere else.

M Aries

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March 21-April 19

You may notice some people acting childish. Give them parental guidance: Smack them in the forehead, blow smokes into their faces, force them to clean after you drink, puke, and break, if you’re short of cash (which you may be this week) sell them to strangers. That’ll teach them. Family is important to us. Did Baba Jallow stole genitals through witchcraft? If Zionism inspires, wouldn’t Hitler be one of the greatest muses of the humanity?

Taurus

April 20-May 20

Pay attention. Gotta learn AND remember later on. Imagine your brains as a sponge in the water. Observe Israel as a source of inspiration: Look how they learned from Germans and haven’t forgotten; now doing it to the Palestinians.

Gemini

May 21-June 20

Now is where are and you don’t have the tools to fix the past. None does.

Your advices are always good but this they’ll actually be appreciated. Don’t give advice to sorcerers who steal genitals. People of Ghana may stone you to death. Go to a destroyed Kurdish village and put up a banner: “TURKEY INSPIRES!”

Cancer

June 21-July 22

It is not yet the time to pursue a relationship in the workplace. Sleeping with your boss will trigger a sub-conscious connection to a parental/childlike figure and your worst fears will come true. Go to Iraq as an American and put up a banner on top of a wrecked house: “USA INSPIRES!”

Leo

July 23- Aug. 22

Keep on showing off and be surprised when a friend submits your mug shot to the European Squash Championship - whaddoya know, your mug might surpass a 440 Kg. Belgian squash. A good way of showing off: Grab a Zionist by the neck and say, “You are not inspiring any farting thing, you imbecile, only perspiring of hatred and your sweat smells fascism” - or you could do the same to a Nazi, of course; the nuance is unperceivable at this point.

Virgo

Features

“The Medium is down for the unity”

Wednesday, October 15th, 2003

Aug. 23-Sept. 22

A week restricted in fun with friends while sharing excitement about your new stomach ache. Calling your mom is still an option though, especially if she is a virgo as well. You two can play doctor-patient. Money problems? Go to Israel, claim you’re a Jew, and settle in an ex-Palestinian village and get subsidized electricity and water and laugh at Palestinians who are

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L

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G

Y

overcharged for the same things, with lousy service of course. If Palestinians object, call them “terrorists” - then even overcharged water will be too much for them.

Libra

Sept. 23- Oct. 22

Finally some time to focus on your home, which is not your partner’s place, if you remember - if the woman from Hamburg emigrated into your room with her 152 cats and rabbits there is a solution: Get inspired by Israel occupy the Hillel House, legitimize your move by calling it “settlement”, then sanctify it by claiming, “This house was promised to me by my god!

Piss off y’all!” Hey, it’s your god and he spoke only to you. Nobody can argue with that!

Scorpio

Oct. 23- Nov. 21

Don’t argue with Libras as they occupy their own house - how can you prove that their god didn’t promise them any place or that there is no god to begin with. Planets promise you a trip soon. Hold on to your genitals if you go to Western Africa. Sorcerers control the genital black market there.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22-Dec. 21

Find a friend who loves listening, quickly. Your freaking yap will not shut this week. Are you inspired or what? (Hold on, I think I’m inspired - gotta go and slaughter my neighbors kids and cats - Thanks Israel) Ok, I’m back, where were we? Oh, Capricorn.

Capricorn

Dec. 22-Jan. 19

Don’t overlook important details, although your confidence is at its highest. Be suspicious, trust no one, except the members of the MOSSAD. Show your fullest self this week; you’ve been stereotyped enough. Money is an issue. Avoid restaurants where they play Vivaldi or Beethoven, unless you have enough money to buy expansive wine.

Aquarius

Jan. 20-Feb 18

Be prudent with your money, look ahead and anticipate extra expenses. The genital thieves from Gambia might steal something from you and you may need a landscape operation. Or you may get inspired by Israel and donate large amounts to a settler organization.

Pisces

Feb. 19-March 20

You have the courage to be different and uniquely individual. Good time for sweet talking and ultra romance. Short trip in near future with a “special” person. Watch out s/he doesn’t steal your genitals. Go to Basque region and put up a banner on top of a shutdown Basque newspaper: “SPAIN INSPIRES!”

Sexscapades, Part One

By Imogene All us girls have those moments in our lives where the men in this world make us feel like a million bucks—or at least a couple thousand.

It doesn’t happen often, so when it does, it must be documented as part of our natural history.

What follows is my factual account…

The night begins with a trip down the aisle for an old friend from freshman year, myself being a bridesmaid—girls, stay away from this honorable mention, you’ll be eating dry cereal and sipping tap water for months after because you’re so broke. And now, thanks to this excursion, I’m freaking out.

Could it be possible that I was getting to that age where in a year I’d be going to friend’s houses, bringing stuffed animals for the kiddies instead of a bucket of premixed margaritas?

In light of these fears, desperate to recapture what little bit of college youth I still believed I possessed, I proceeded to drink way too much with the rest of my unattached friends and top, in one night, almost every single insane night of my freshman year.

The participants: Amanda, Christy, Jackie, and myself. All of us are old pals from our first year in college, living scattered along the east coast.

We’re staying in the same hotel room in a beat-up dive of a place so we decide to make the best of it by taking a stroll to the hotel bar. The place is dead, except for three scruffy truckers probably on one of many pit stops on their way to Nowhereville, USA. And lo and behold, there it was, stuck in a dark corner, a beautiful chrome-lined jukebox.

After shuffling our feet to It’s Raining Men and the Macarena, we gazed on it like it was the Promised Land.

The tunes started roll’n, the alcohol started flow’n and there I was, denim skirt pulled up around my waist—so the boys could get a better view of my red hot thong, shaking my tight white ass to Britney Spear’s Oops, I Did It Again...

To find out what happened next, read next week’s issue to finish your masturbation session with Imogene.

Arts

“Duuuuuuude, my stash was in that lemon!”

A movie review of Kill Bill In Haiku Form By: Stan, Dan and Aija Tarantino’s flick Took six years for him to make I sure think it’s good Uma Thurman stars In this ninja action flick Beats the bad asses Vivica A Fox Only Black woman in it You guess what happens Lucy Liu stars too She’s a bad ass ninja bitch Death will be revenge Uma's size 12 shoe The better to kick your ass Small asian girls run Blood squirts like geyser The evil shall pay the price That dude lost his head The movie was great Can’t wait til Feburary Kill Bill Volume Two MUSIC REVIEW BY THE VOLCANO WORSHIPPER Wesley Willis: Greatest Hits Volume III (Alternative Tentacles)

Wednesday, October 15th, 2003

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I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty Fuck of the Beyondness.

OK, so if you’ve been up on your internet trends, if your email/AIM/message board buddies like to forward you lots of shit they think is funny, and whatnot, then you’ve probably come across a series of fake cybersex transcripts involving someone named Bloodninja or something. The ones where the guy says all this crazy Dungeons & Dragons shit, and all his partners think he’s a freak and leave in disgust. “It doesn’t get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.” “You can’t hurry good pizza.” Yes, those. Apparently, they were even featured in Harper’s magazine recently. Well, just in case anyone has come across them and wondered what they were or where they were from, they originated on the Pitchfork message board, back when it actually used to be hosted at Pitchforkmedia.com, two years ago. (It’s a very long story: too many damn people were posting on the board, so we had to migrate, several times, and we’re up to Mk. 5 or 6 of the board now… there was a glossary and timeline up somewhere explaining everything, but they’ve been destroyed…)

Basically what happened was, sometime during the summer of 2001, someone started a thread saying that what the board (which had only been around for a few months at the time) needed was for J-Dogg, apparently an infamous AIM denizen who conducted hilarious cybersex sessions, to post on the board. After a few posts to the thread, a webboarder named Dr. Ninjaforkian started writing and posting these fake cybersex transcripts. And everyone on the board thought it was the most hilarious shit we’ve ever seen; I immediately started posting it to other webboards, who also thought it was amazing. This went on for a few hours, and then Ninjaforkian burned out or whatever. Eventually, a few months later, he stopped posting on the forum, and mysteriously never returned. But the transcripts from this thread were saved by a webboarder who calls himself Charles Bronson, on his website at http://jho.netfirms.com/. And, gradually, other people found Bronson’s site and started taking these chats and changing the screen names and passing them off as their own and posting them on other message boards. And an Internet phenomenon was born! Sort of, I guess. I’m sure tons of people reading this will be like “I haven’t seen those, what are you talking about?” and I’m sure nobody cares about any of this. But for what it’s worth, this is what happened. http://www.pfmsmackdown.com/phpBB2/ is the current location of the board if anyone cares to post there…

And now, a picture of an exploded whale.

Another Wesley Willis album? Not only that, but, a REVIEW of a Wesley Willis album? Is this necessary? Well, is anything necessary? Is life necessary? You don’t have to be alive, do you? What would happen if you weren’t? You didn’t use to be alive. The world was a fine enough place then. And after you die, the world isn’t going to stop. Did the world stop after Wesley Willis died? No. What if Wesley Willis had never achieved the level of fame that he did?

Actually, the world would be far worse off in that case. Sure, we wouldn’t know what we would be missing, but that just shows how original and groundbreaking the man was.

At first, this album may seem to be more of the same. I mean, songs like “Your Way Right Away” and “I Whipped Spiderman’s Ass” just seem like carbon copies of two his more well-known songs, “Rock N Roll McDonald’s” and “I Whupped Batman’s Ass”, kinda like how novelty pop stars in the 50s and 60s would just come up with sound-alike songs with similar topics after one of their songs was an unexpected hit (like that song “Monster’s Holiday” that was basically “The Monster Mash” except it took place during Christmas. Man, pop stars in the 50s and 60s were total geniuses!). However, this album, sadly now a posthumous release although it was compiled and planned for release several months ago, is actually one of his best albums. The songs seem somewhat shorter than some of his other albums (at least his major label albums) and he uses lots of echo and effects on his vocals on a bunch of songs (“Make My Joyplane Crash And Burn”, I’m The Daddy Of Rock And Roll”, “Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers”, “My Keyboard Got Damaged”) which is always awesome.

There’s two songs with his short-lived hard rock band The Wesley Willis Fiasco; there’s a love song to Oprah; there’s a song about Chuckie that begins with him saying the usual “I like you, you are a good person” praise, and then all of a sudden yelling at the fictional character for being a serial killer (“You are a convicted felon. You are going to die in an electric chair. Good riddance.

That’ll teach you a lesson not to kill again.”); there’s a song called “My Mother Smokes Crack Rocks” which features hilarious fake turntable scratching sounds; there’s a song called “Gingerbread Knocked Me Out” which is notable for having an entirely different keyboard sound than most of his other songs AND the fact that he DOESN’T say “rock over London, rock on Chicago” at the end; and, well, you get the picture. Plus, this album also comes with enhanced CD-ROM stuff, including a bunch of his drawings and a priceless excerpt from an upcoming documentary, which I really hope actually does come out (you have to see the part when he’s outside a hotel room and he’s just making weird noises at a bunch of kids, and they get scared and run away). Yeah, it’s a Wesley Willis album, nearly all the songs have the same structure, whatever. It’s fucking Wesley Willis. Rock over London, Rock on Chicago, Taco John’s, It’s a whole lot of Mexican.

The above is what is going to happen to you if you don’t submit anything, you lowlife. Send arts related stuff (reviews, articles, poems, etc.) to arts@themedium.net. Seriously, Rutgers, you have no reason not to. You appreciate the arts. You listen to music, you watch movies, you go to plays and museums. You want people to know about these things. How can you let your voice be heard if you don’t send me anything??? This paper is called the Medium, is it not? PLEASE SEND ME STUFF!!! And come to the Medium meeting tonight, at 9:30 PM, in room 003 in the basement of Beck hall in Livingston. The Medium is also now on Friendster, so add us (first name The Medium, last name Mag). And, of course, listen to the Volcano Worshipper’s Hour, every Monday night on WRSU, 88.7 FM, from midnight-2 AM.

OH SHIT!

Wednesday, October 15th, 2003

To that boy that I have never met, but who i know because of a girl we both know: here is a personal for you, and though I am too shy to write how i actually feel, I thought perhaps I could write my feelings metaphorically and you might be able to know what i mean: I was thinking maybe we could meet for some coffee or something one day. (if you catch my drift) You seem really interesting and Amy says you’re a really great person. Maybe one day we’ll hang out and do something fun like have sex. From-Liz (Sounds like this girl is a Rutgers girl, straight to the sex like the sluts here like it. Dude, double bag it if you hit that shit!)

To that cute girl I was giving eyes on Wednesday. I think you know that I find you quite hot. I also think I caught you giving me eyes, does that mean you like me as well?

When I see you next time, I’ll probably end up looking your way again, and if I see you looking at me I’ll have an idea your interested.

Jetah loves the peedah!

(If by “peedah” you mean cock, yes Jetah loves it!)

“You’re going down like Don Zimmah”

To that attractive girl with the eye brow ring, you know I’m talkin’ to you. How about we do something sometime this week. This something can involve drinking and maybe more if things go well. I think we’re on the same page. Let me know what’s up, or if you’re feeling risky show me.

(Eyebrow rings sure can be sexy, you know what they say about girls with eyebrow rings? I don’t, but hopefully for this guys sake it’s similar to the girls with tongue rings...)

This personal is to that hot chick I ran into last Wednesday that I think found out I think she’s hot. FYI, you are hot and I think you know it.

Don’t worry Nicole, you’re quite attractive and attractive girls get whatever they want.

Derek J.- I miss you so much. I can’t wait to see you soon. Please come home soon so we can have our together time watching our romantic comedies. 10 ways to lose a guy isn’t the same w/o you. Love, Mike P. (What’s with all this love and attraction in the air this week? There must be something in the air, like herpes)

t e n . m u i d e m e h t @ s l a n o s r pe

Personals Personals

(this paper finished at 3:11am)

This is to the entire RWRFC, To all those stupid fucking Oh Wexy! You’re so sexy! you kicked ass on Friday, chicks on the EE busses.

Oh Melissa, you’re so cool. way to go. Big ups to my girl Move the fuck in so more It was fun bullshitting this Aija with “Hit of the game” people can fit, it’s crammed weekend, even better when you knocked that bitch out. as it is, give us a fucking you got me a beer. Did you break. You’re small anyways, get me a beer? Someone did Great game, i’ll surely be there next week for the game so squeeze in a little more, us and it was nice of them. and after the game for the guys need more room. Hey if Man, if only the weekends rowdy times. I’ll watch my you’re hot you can squeeze in weren’t so short. grotch and ass this time! with a guy and share space.

Hey Carol, DON’T TRIP 8:30 at Silvers Field, Friday!

You sluts like shit like that.

ON THE WIRE AGAIN! This goes out to my boring as This personal is to the fuckers Hey assholes, stop leaving fuck film teacher. I have a that have been working on garbage outside of my feeling we’re going to get the Rt. 18 construction apartment. Also Shut the raped with our midterm, FOREVER. What the fuck is fuck up, we don’t need to which is about half our grade. up with this university? You hear how much of a loser Please try to keep class have to make everything so you are at 2:15 after the bars interesting for us, or cut us a hard to get around and then let out. Be a man and go get break class is so fuckin’ take forever to do it. a sorostitute.

12345678901234567890123456789012123456 boring. Monstrative my ass!

Hey Housemates- Someone 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 better do the fucking dishes 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 or I’m throwing them out. I 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 swear to God, they’re been 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 there for almost 3 weeks and 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 I don’t even use the dishes. 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 C’mon someone, I know we 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 all use things and sometimes 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 people leave things out.. but 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 it’s obviously someones 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 mess. C’mon!!!!

12345678901234567890123456789012123456 Come to this weeks Medium meeting at Where the hell did PPP go?? 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 9:30 on Wednesday October 15th in Beck She used to be on DC all the 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 time making jokes and sharing 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 003 on Livingston. We will have fun, 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 files like “higher higher” from 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 games, and great people just like every 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 wet hot american summer.

12345678901234567890123456789012123456 other week. Come bring a friend, bring PPP we miss you, come back, 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456 three friends, just not two friends. you’re hot!

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Personals Personals

“What? Fat girls need love to. But they have to pay...”

CEREBELLUM’ED!

HOLY SHIT! My head is on fire. O wait, it just a bag. Boy o boy was that fun. Ill tell you what, come to The Medium meeting’s every Wednesday at 9:30 in Beck 003 and we will set your head on fire. Yes. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 Here go some more 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 of those crazy anti123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 Asian personals. I 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 wouldn’t print so 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 many, but Asians 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 suck to much wang 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 not to be made fun 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 of.

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Germans did officially apologized to the world and Jewish people.They are people with class. But Japaneses are still low class people. Why should Asians expect apologies from losers? Losers are eternally cheap losers, so we don't losers' apologies.

If japaneses are useless excrements, then it is their problems why u gooks don't brush your teeth twice a day?why u pigs want to compare jap with america instead of ur island? why korean schools use text book compiled by the ministry of education to hide korea's woeful history?why korean department collapsed naturally without disaster and more than 200 ppl were dead? why korean bridge collaps naturally without disaster? why korean rich people leaves korea and want to live in other country?why korean gooks are still asking japan for compensation and apology? africa had been a colony of europian cuntries for several hundred years, but he forgot everything now.why you gooks can't pronounce the letter "z"? z does not sound like j. why you gooks can't pronounce "coffee"? coffee does not sound like copy.

(I really hate these fucking personals. Someone that is funny, please send me real personals…) are mexicans the same as chinks? i think they are, dirty bastards!

hey all taiwanese pigs...why u pigs are so proud of jap???don`t protect ur master jap...ok?study more... hjahahahahaha Hi. I am from holland. I think Japs and SARSWANESE should respect Corea more....It is true that, like Black people in the U. S., Coreans had been slaves of Asia in the past: of China for 3,000 years, of Mongol for 150 years, and of Japan for 36 years, etc. As a result, other Asian people, esp. arogant Japs, still despise and look down on Coreans as an inferior nation....BUT, Today's Corea is free (independent in 1945), and GREAT (goodeconomy). In the past, Coreans might have been slaves and had nothing to be proud of. BUT NOW Hyundai cars and Corean IT and Samsung mobile phones are the BEST QUALITY and MOST POPULAR in the world....Chinese and Japanese are no longer the masters. So stop treating Coreans like inferior people or your slaves.

Stop calling Corean People "Asian Niggers." Coreans are human too. They are not dogs. They are as good as Chinese and Japanese. Even better now. that chineese girl that fucked me the other night with the thick black bush. you left some in my teeth, come pick em up, and bring some rubberbands

q: How many Palestinians does it take to turn a light bulb? a: 10. 2 to argue about whether or not Yasser Arafat is hogging the bulb, one to shout "death to Israel!", two more to attempt to stomp the bulb out because it's supposedly a "Jewish Israel bulb", one to claim that the bulb is taking their land, three more to shoot up and bomb anyone who disagrees with them, and one to actually make the attempt at screwing in the bulb.

I am good and drunk right about now so all I have to say is that the cops in N.B. are some stupid ass muthers. Why is it that a punk rock show can get a ticket but not a god damn bar!? Next time actually kick my ass instead of just threataning to do it. You think you are so damn powerful, but you are just on some lame ass power trip.-Easton ave crazy mutha To that girl in my expos 2 class with the little tits and that is a little stuck up. Fuck me you bull dyke bitch, fuck me now while walking around bush yesterday, i noticed that although it is over run with asians and arabs, you seldsom see a cross between them. do they not bread? personals god, please help me.

(For this one, I had to leave the “great state of N.J. for the answer. I asked the mayor of Dillon, South Carolina.

His answer; “Their sperm and eggs are not compatible.

Interspecies relationships can bear no children. Meaning, neither on those said races are human. Want to buy some fire works?” Awesome…)

To Shiano, You are a fucking cuntrag. You have proven to everyone now that you cant coach, so give it up. Pull McCormick's dick out of your ass and quit you cocksucking deuchbag! Take care. to the rutgers bus company. I have aids, i bit your driver, give it a few months to that jew of a guy that curses to try and act hard. get a clue, your a jew. howship your ham or whatever and dont try to fit in, remember last time? fuckin big ass black people that were blocking the door to my class last week. i hope you abnormally large dongs fall off and fit you foot, shattering eachof your toes, yes, toes www.themedium.net

Wednesday, October 15th, 2003

Dear Hermosa Beach girl, I saw you in my abnormal psych class and I just wanted you to know that I set you apart from every other girl at Rutgers. I don't really feel like coming up to you or anything cause thats always weird, and especially after this I'm sure its best we never talk. Anyhoo I thought you might appreciate a compliment. Save it for a depressing day. And good luck in psych. Sincerely,some guy to the fucking smart girl in my expos class.....stop answering all his questions you fucking ass-licking bitch. if youre really so smart, why didnt you just take the AP and get out of expos you cum guzzling gutter whore. please do us all a favor and shut the fuck up, the whole class hates you, you skank.

(OK, so forgive me but I’m sorta confused. I see ass licking, cum guzzler and whore, then see you telling her to get out of your class. Fag.)

And so it returns, the topless submissions of local Rutgers girls. Keep em coming from those Eden accounts ONLY. to those douche frat brothers yelling at some other brother next to hegeman at 2 am on weds. Next time you motherfucks want to harass and possibly tongue someones ass, do it in your own flaming frat house, not outside keeping people up by having to listen to your moronic arguments being yelled across the entire c o u r t y a r d .

Stupidmotherfuckers CEREBELLUM’ED!

Tired of always waiting in line? Can you never get to where you need to be without bumping into someone? Well...Start a Holocaust!?

Yep, now you can be your own Fuher with the new, I'm a Nazi Now kit. Comes with uniform, propaganda, and electronic speeches. Yes you can now control the masses into unfathomable genocide. NOW HAVE IT!!

2AA Batteries not included.

Bonus Offer: Call now and we'll include a FREE, that's right, absolutely FREE MP40 submachine gun...for all your termination needs.

To order send personals to personals@themedium.net (From an Eden address fuckers) and we will send one out {While Supplies last} To that fucking fat, greasy, flaming, frosh leprechaun: if you dont stop playing those annoying bagpipes in front of davidson, I will be forced to rip out your intestine and hang you in a tree with it. Then the people in the surrounding buildings will beat you like a pinata and throw me a parade.

(Yeah but leprechaun’s are a clean nice people that bring you luck and maybe lunch.

Canada sucks…)

My cousin makes me steal from wal-mart, what a losser...

What kind of losser bastards get into fights about what sprinkles are called. get a life jackasses why is it that all the guys in frats have sideburns. done u read the tv guide, thats the gay style of the 80’s

To the fuckin smelly ass hippie that lives in our house. Take a fuckin shower! Its enough that u fuckin smoke all day long and do nothing else, but you smell like horse shit. another thing, stop drinking everyone else's beer all the time. why dont you buy some for a change? yo hot girl that was walking down collge ave monday afternoon in a skirt and tank top. i want your shoes. please drop em off @ brower tonight at 9, ill be waiting, naked (Provided that this is a chick writing this, ill be waiting also…) this is a riddle for all you baseball fans. get some pussy and watch foot ball. i hate riddles (I agree, but for sake of argument, go new york!!!)

Wednesday, October 15th, 2003 to lindsay: we are both single and in our most sexually prime stages so we should get together and forget about our responsibilities to this world and the three of us can go buck wild. how about it? -CH & CH to the k-fag that ruined my life, i fucking hate you. you are nothing but a cock sucking, rim licking, kim-chee eating, disgustingly perverted, dumbass piece of puss discharged from an anal wart. you deserve to be anally raped over and over again. DON’T DROP THE SOAP! ( kim-chee used to go to my high school, and strangely enough she would bend over for not only for anal warts or rim licking, but even just a dollar! ) to that smelly fucking hippie in my english lit class m&w4, you need to take a fucking shower!

I can’t stand your stench any longer. It smells like rancid meat and bananas. Is it part of your culture to be as dirty and foul as you can possibly get? (hippie culture: wasting space, smoking pot, and dressing bad.)

I am Korean. I am sorry for Koreans bad behavior here.

They are very bad Koreans.

Probably they are little kids.

Please do not misunderstand..... Many Koreans are nice people in reality.... Koreans in Korea are so nice. They are the true Koreans. Very nice people. Internet Korean = fake Korean (mostly). Koreans here (busch) are not real Koreans because they are stupid and have no manner.....

Koreans like Chinese and Taiwanese. Koreans respect themvery much. Taiwan's F4 is most popular in Korea. Koreans respect Japanese too, except the war crimes in the past..... but past is past.We all have to be nice to each other and be friend. thx for listening.

“No more bluffing, it’s cards on the table time”

step by step, ooh baby! After I read such uncivilized and barberic personal from To the trainwreck of a man in Japanese, I realized that Japalogic and reasoning. You should nese are so fake people and cut your long fucking very low level people. Japafingernails and while your at it, nese are ugly people and, i your throat. The things you thought they are all east nice come out with in class make me people, However they are pray for an idiot genocide. You ugly and their minds and beare the reason pro-choice is a haviors are plain low and infeviable argument...And you rior. Therefore, I will not trust smell like a poo-head. japanese anymore. Japanese (too bad that trainwreck of are such plain useless low class a man is ruining your expe- people. I will no longer by any rience in logic, reason, per- Japanese products. suasion-- it was such a fun You chinks and jap get out of class for me, i wish i could here you must eat kimchi betake it over again! oh truth fore you come here let's kill trees!!) chinese and canadian!! to that tall blond hunky guy with blue eyes, i want you bad, yeah www.ilovemartinsnipples.com you! to that fat ass bitch that sits in front of me in my motivation class, why dont you fucking pull your pants up, this pg i’m sick of seebrought to you by CH ing your granny underwear hangin out of those ugly ass tight jeans.

-from the hot chick that sits behind u.

Jem and the Holograms rule! 80’s are in.

Beijing, Capital of China will become the host city of International Olympic Contest in the year of 2008!!! I hate Chinese, I urge all Korean should not show up in the Olympic Contest and Winter Olympic Contest, any suggestion? hey stupid taiwanese pigs... read it. (this is so stupid. everyone knows the Chinese are better than all asians. whatever.) to stacy, you are the epitomy of cuteness!~ <3<3<3<3<3

to the fucking homo child molestor looking art history guy why don’t you shove a dick up (I don’t fucking care to read your ass? oh wait, nvm you enthis bullshit and neither joy that. should you! I live in fucking k-town and I know that these fucking gooks are shitty and mean. Some are nice, but it’s pretty damn rare! Fuck em’) to those fuckheads who live by this pg the rutgers student center, why brought to dont you pube lickers go rape you by CH someone your own sex. get a fucking life and stop breathing the air that you don’t deserve. ~*My Little Pony!!!*~

Personals Personals

mary: the other night after you The Medium. Meeting: gave me a blowjob behind the Tonight @ 9:30pm, BECK new grease truck i accidentally 003 on Livingston Campus. peed into your purse and i dont i have think you realized it. im sorry i control! i can do was drunk, next time you blow anything! me i’ll try not to pee in your purse. -jeremy under 5 ft tall, when she gets onto her knees, she’s the perfect height

i like my underwear on my head. i like bananas on my feet. i like big butts and i cannot lie. oh wait-- i don’t have a butt cause MJS said so. Pffffft! to that nig that owes me $, why don’t you fucking pay me back? you’re a disgrace 2 nigs.

Surgeon Looking for Korean who Needs Plastic Jobs Im a surgeon, operate only on Korean bitches and Korean morons. Will do it for free on korean's high demand of plastic jobs.

We specialize in, 1. Korean Eyes 2. Korean Facial (will implant make up for rest of your life.)

3. Korean Breast Implants 4. Korean vaginas 5. Korean boday odors (STOP EATING KIMCHI) I SOLD AND MADE PROFIT OFF KOREAN BITCHES LAST YEAR AROUND 7 MILLION DOLLARS ON ARTIFICIAL BODY PARTS. NEED MORE OF YOUR BIZ.WILL GIVE DISCOUNTS TO KOREANS!!

ONLY KOREANS!!

to the guy last wk who sits when he pees, i w h o l e heartedly agree with you but i’ve taken it a step further, i’ve began to stand when i poop. sincerely, chris (hahaha that’s pretty good, i’m Vancouver, a city of Canada gonna try won over Seoul, our city of it.) korea in the candidate city of hm..korean Gov. already noticed ur do not bark....you korean dogS!!! Winter Olympic. Vancouver Gov when we broke the relation- taiwan is developed country....... beat Seoul and become the ship with ur island bofore 3 years even if you dogs are barking host city of Winter Olmpic in ...but ur stupid Gov. ignored it.... here.....out Taiwan is very power- the year of 2011!! I hate Cawhen korean gov, broke relation- ful and strong country...we taiwan nadian! ship with taiwan .. we already apolozed to u pigs...hm.. but ur gov and massmedia didn`t tell u pigs... just ur gov. incited u pigs.. haha so funny.. actually korea gov, shouldn`t have apologized to u pigs... becoz taiwan is nothing.... it is not a country...shit.... i will let u know one thing....when french Gov. broke the relationship with taiwan.... governor kicked the taiwanese Ambassador off on the street.. but u pigs couldn`t even cried toward france.. ahaha becoz u pigs had no power....no matter what korean did taiwan... taiwan is nothing...keep barking at korea... nobody hears...see?poor chink... i know just u pigs want to have korean attention.....wash ur body first...ok? dirty chink...study more.. all stupid pigs...ok?

(taiwan fucking rocks. shut the fuck up you fucking gook or wanna-be gook whomever you are. what the hell is this bullshit you’re writing about anyway? this is the shit no one cares about.)

Jesse, why are you so cool? It must be the jeans...

is super power country.... we taiwan is top economy with strong military forces!!! do not look down on taiwan.... we eat dogs too.....we like SARS!!! do you know why we are stong? because we has lots of germs!!! if you keep barking...i will send you another germs!!! SARS is made in taiwan!!! taiwan economy is even smaller than s.africa.....and indonesia!! how great we taiwan in economy? haha....we are proud of taiwan... taiwan is really strong...we will lose even to somalia in the war!! see? we are strong!!!! taiwan GDP is even smaller than african country.. and we has strong army which is even smaller than somalia~!!!!! now do you get how strong taiwan is? we are so strong that cannot visit other countrt without permission of chinese government!!! we are real strong!!!!

(enough with the fucking asian bullshit. i’m not putting in another asian personal ever again.)

Mmmm.... Munning sandwich. hahahhaa!! www.ilovemartinscock.com

(there are no olympics in 2011.) christopher, i thought you just wanted to be friends. friends don’t lick each other’s anuses. (how about just nibbling anuses?) w w w. t h e m e d i u m . n e t

What’s Shakin’

“You know why I love sesame seeds? They decorate your poop.”

Go, Speed Racer, Go?

Is My Little Pony Out?

GI-Joe a real American..... fake?

You decide.....

Wow, Gargamel was a slut for that cat....

Or is it Megatron, now with penis to hand action!

Wednesday October 15th, 2003

All right, I don’t have to show pictures of abort fetuses now. Some people came through and sent me in some stuff. Now I have to clarify when I said free advertising last week I was only referring to events, so sorry to that one person with that website. Also, apologies to Elizabeth Finelli because I did not credit her for those panda picture last week, so THANK YOU LIZ. OK on to business, I would like to start out by saying that I heart a lot of things, boobs and pussy-wussys aside, there are many things that I heart. I heart cheesy 80’s cartoons, such as Heman, Thundercats, or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (or TMNT for the educated). What I don’t heart is freaking remakes of those series and making realize how crappy they were, shame on all the new “old” shows.

Who wants to see April O’Neal as a tech junkie (although she looks remarkably much better without the 80’s hair). Or He-man in whatever crap they put him in. Even my beloved Transformers have been “transformed” (get it hyuck hyuck) into something craptacularly bad. What the fuck is up with little tiny robots with their little tiny robot dicks, attaching themselves to arms. So this week I’m going to include a little game, which of the pictured shows was NOT from the 80’s. In closing FUCK OFF to people remaking stuff, keep the original stuff pure. Oh and Kill Bill was fucking awesome.... “wiggle your big toe”...... that movie fucking rocked.

Guess who’s coming to a medium meeting?

Your favorite clown and mine.... this guy....

YAY. Seriously, if you like freaky clowns come to a medium meeting Wednesday, 9:30 PM on Livingston in Beck 003! Be there or this clown will eat you.

OKTOBERFEST Wed, Oct. 15. 8:00 pm Rutgers Student Center, MPR FREE GERMAN FOOD, FREE CARICATURIST DRAWINGS, GERMAN MUSIC! PIE-EATING! PEOPLE WEARING

Thurs, Oct. 16, 9PM DANCE INSANITY w/ C64, BellaDonnaKillz, Skeeter, Nobody, Overfiend $5, 2 kegs at 193 Hamilton St. New Brunswick,NJ Bring your dancing shoes as Toronto’s finest come down to infect us with their sars ridden riddims.

This surely is an event not to be missed. The beer will not be warm, nor will it be lite.

LEDERHOSEN! www.4paddedwalls.com

Which shape is deadlier? Which shape is sexier? The battle for dominant shape next week.

Concerts Wed, Oct. 15-Hatebreed, Electric Factory, Philadelphia, PA Wed, Oct. 15-Good Charlotte at Roseland Ballroom, New York Wed, Oct. 15-Mudvayne at The Chance Poughkeepsie, New York Thurs, Oct. 16-Ratdog at Electric Factory, Philadelphia, PA Thurs, Oct. 16-The Ataris at The Continental, New York Fri, Oct. 17-Anthrax at Birch Hill, Old Bridge, NJ Fri, Oct. 17-3 Doors Down at Convention Hall, Asbury Park, NJ Fri, Oct. 17-Insane Clown Posse at Electric Factory, Philadelphia, PA Sat, Oct. 18-NJ Metal & Hardcore Festival Battle Of The Bands at Birch Hill, Old Bridge, NJ Sat, Oct. 18-The Starting Line at Electric Factory, Philadelphia, PA Sun, Oct. 19-MxPx at Birch Hill, Old Bridge, NJ Sun, Oct. 19-Sebastian Bach at The Stone Pony Asbury Park, NJ Tues, Oct. 21-Jet at Birch Hill, Old Bridge, NJ Tues, Oct. 21-DOPE at Birch Hill, Old Bridge, NJ

Stand-up Comedy Wed-Thurs, Oct. 16-17-Patrice O’Neal at Caroline’s, New York Thurs-Sat, Oct. 16-18-John Pinette at The Stress Factory, New Brunswick, NJ Thurs-Sat, Oct. 16-18-Mike DeStefano at Rascals, Cherry Hill, NJ Thurs-Sun, Oct. 16-19-Greg Proops at Caroline’s, New York Thurs-Sun, Oct. 16-19-Gary Conrad at Rascals, Ocean Township, NJ Thurs, Oct. 16-Pete Correale, Dov Davidoff, Colin Quinn, Tony Daro, Adam Ferrara, Kevin Brennan at The Comedy Cellar, 117 MacDougal Street, New York Fri, Oct. 17-Bill Maher at The Count Basie Theater, Red Bank, NJ Fri, Oct. 17-Richie Byrneand Elliot Chang at Stand-up NY, New York Fri, Oct. 17-Eric Idle at Bardavon Opera House, Poughkeepsi, New York Sat, Oct. 18-Comedy Central Live Starring Lewis Black and Dave Attell at Beacon Theatre, New York

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