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Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008
Volume XXXIX - Issue VII
Rutgers Switches to “Print Greener-estest” Policy Obama Gives Incorrect Change at Campaign Stop Concordia, MO- Supporters of the Obama ’08 Campaign are shocked and flabbergasted as the Presidential contender overcharged a diner patron by 56 cents. According to Ethel Mundridge, a 76 year-old resident of nearby Sweet Springs, Missouri, Obama the change incident occurred around 2:30 PM when the Senator handed her the check for her dinner which was $5.67. Ethel gave Obama $9.53 in order to simplify the change and instead of receiving the correct amount of $3.86, she got $3.30. “I will never eat again in protest of this horrible customer service,” said Mundridge. When questioned about “Diner-Gate” Obama said, “What the fuck ever” and punched the reporter in the face.
Soulja Boy Called Up for Military Duty Atlanta, GA- While the United States is currently in the process of drawing down the number of troops that are left in Iraq, previously unused soldiers are being tapped to relieve and replace the servicemen and women currently in the Middle East. Included in these new militiamen is one “Soulja Boy Tell’em” who remains the most popular entertainer in history to be sent overseas since Elvis Presley. When asked if he was “cool” with his deployment, Soulja Boy said, “Yah Trick YAHHHHH!!!!” 3 times and then “Buhgedda Bah buhgedda BAH!” The 2008 Souja Boy Tell’em “IRAP in IRAK” Tour of Duty will end in 2012 with the last drawback of US troops.
BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
New Brunswick, NJ- In order to conserve paper and to prohibit excessive wastes, Rutgers had enacted the “Print Green” printing policy. This policy gave students a $30 balance towards printing double-sided pages that cost 4 cents for black and white copies and 12 cents for color. Although the policy has resulted in 16 fewer pages printed as compared to last year’s midterm print count, Rutgers Computing Services are looking to build upon the Print Green plan. “We’ve decided to increase the amount of sides to print from two to ten while also dramatically
increasing the cost per page,” says Head Printing Policy Director Harold Brown. “This is the only way that Rutgers can afford to pay the trillions of dollars needed to replace paper and ink costs.” Each two-sided piece of paper will have up to five pages worth of document printed on each side and one piece of paper will cost $24 to print. Even though this policy is coming into effect at a point where many students only have $20 in their Print Green Account, Rutgers will not reset the balances to $30. Defending this decision by the University, Brown had this to say, “If students need extra funds for printing, they can use our ‘In-
crease Print Funds’ service which is very similar to the dining services ‘Add Meals’ program. Students can choose between two options when adding money to the account. Option 1 adds four cents to the account while Option 2 adds thirty four thousand dollars.” Not all are receptive of this new policy as students across all campuses are expressing their disgust. Holding up a piece of paper that was completely black on both sides, Rutgers College Junior Michael Kaplan said, “The fuck is this? This is my goddamn term paper! Fuck!...This cost me twenty dollars!...I’m just...I’m going to... shit, man...”
John McCain Discovered to be a Sith Lord at Recent Press Conference BY BARFOLOMEW CONTRIBUTING WRITER
Washington, D.C.- In a surprising turn of events with unclear geopolitical ramifications, GOP presidential nominee John McCain was discovered to be a Sith Lord on Tuesday. The revelation apparently came about when reporters began questioning him on the details of his financial bailout plan, pointing out that many economists were skeptical of its ability to counter continued job losses. Mr. McCain, long known for his scathing temper, at this point narrowed his eyes and said to the room full of reporters that they “should choose their next words extremely carefully.” Pressed on the alleged impotence of his plan to alleviate market chaos, McCain then let out a loud snarl and raised his hand up, somehow blocking the air passage of Washington Post reporter Martin Ross.
“Your failure to comprehend this plan aggravates me,” said a visibly enraged McCain. Attempts by reporters to subdue McCain were at this point thwarted by a red lightsaber-wielding Sarah Palin, who is assumed to be his apprentice.
No News is Normally Pretty Good News ESTABLISHED 1970
Shooting bolts of electric power from his fingertips and grimacing, he told the still critical reporters “you fools, you are no match for my power beyond power.” As of press time, there is no consensus among political analysts how this will affect McCain’s poll numbers.
THE MEDIUM
xOx!~*.N.E.W.S.*~!xOx “Fornication? Don’t You Mean, FUN-ication?”
Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008
Campus Alert: Bloods Disguising Themselves As RU Students the seats of their EE Weekend Bus. Four Crips were New Brunswick, NJ- Joe mowed down in a hail of Kramer, Director of Rutgers gunfire while two others University Gang Warfare/ barely escaped, dragging College Avenue Greening themselves to Hurtado issued a statement warning Medical Center where they all Rutgers Crips that the were promptly treated with RU Bloods gang is using euthanasia for their injularge game day crowds to ries. blend in and escape detecEver since Rutgers tion. made the school color ScarThe most recent ex- let in the 18th Century, the ample of gang violence hap- Bloods have been cappin’ pened at Saturday’s game foo’s left and right. against UConn where RU To combat the growBloods successfully execut- ing threat of gang violence, ed a drive by shooting from the Board of Governors votBY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
ed to add an Official University firearm store to be located in Downtown New Brunswick. RU Packin? will offer students the option to purchase firearms, and ammunition, using cash or they can use their RU Express and swipe for a package deal. One swipe will get you fifty bullets and a Rutgers Kevlar vest. When asked about the safety of unarmed students, Kramer whipped out his gun and shouted, “I’M A LEAD FARMER BITCH!”
Here you can see the new RU Packin? Store located at 2900 Easton Avenue in New Brunswick. It is open 7 days a week from 9 AM to 6:30 PM.
Obama Elected Prime Minister of Canada in Landslide Canada’s Attempt at Gaining Attention Ends in Failure BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
Ottawa, Canada- In addition to holding massive leads in the polls for the upcoming November election, Senator Barack Obama (DIL) got an early present last Tuesday as he was elected the next Prime Minister of Canada. With the last results of the Canadian federal election coming in on Wednesday morning, it was announced that Obama’s name was written on a majority of ballots in 190 of the 355 electoral districts, thus making him the next leader of the Great White North. The result comes despite an attempt by the Canadian government to hold these elections earlier than
scheduled in an attempt to get the attention of their own people and the people of the world. “Look, at first this talk about Obama was interesting,” said then-Prime Minister Stephen Harper when he announced the election back in September, “but after two years of discussion about this has made me sick. We have 5 parties! Isn’t that interesting?” Stéphane Dion, the leader of the opposition, agreed. “Everyone here is talking about the issues in America. But we have interesting policy debates in Canada as well! For instance, I want to cut the tax on poutine, while my opponent here wants to raise it as well, as creating a new tax on Labatt’s. Isn’t that inter-
CONTENTS
Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8
News xOx News xOx Features Opinions Arts Personals Scissorin Ladies Whats Shakin’
Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12 Page 13 Page 14 Page 15 Page 16
Phightin’ Phillies! Ay Eee Eye Owe Ewe Y DC++ Bans Urami Bushi Stop Reading No Means Ok
Cover by: Har Ghar Kuch Kehta Hai
esting? Isn’t It?” he shouted to a homeless person on the street. The major parties weren’t the only ones with problems in regards to the election. The Bloc Quebecois, which is for Quebec independence, struggled to gain traction after ties between Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin (R-AK) and Alaskan separatists were revealed. The same thing happened to the socialist NDP party, which could not make much leeway after accusations involving Obama’s ties to far left organizations
were made. The five party leaders did have one debate, which was very heated and broke down into cursing, physical violence, and cross checking over which person could get the attention of the world the best. Unfortunately, no one watched this debate, as
it was being held at the same time as the Vice Presidential Debate between Senator Joe Biden (D-DE) and Governor Palin. Obama could not be reached for comment about this result, as, according to aides, he was busy preparing for the Lithuanian Presidential election on Sunday.
WEATHER OR NOT
Today Tonight
Expect the warm, summer-like weather to return NEVER Re: The Love; Can You Feel It?
Thursday Hi: TIDAL Low: WAVE! Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Opinions Editor News Editor Features Editor Arts Editor What’s Shakin’ Editors Personals Editors
Friday COMB THE DESERT Paul Winters Colin Fong Jake Lewandowski John Bender Tim Swanson The Batman Abe Stanway Santiago Melli-Huber Dave Imbriaco Dr. Pepper
Business Manager Staff Photograper Online Editor Advertising Manager Staff Artist Senior Editor Faculty Advisor
Gary Klimowicz Helen Ortiz Paul Winters Gary Klimowicz Rose Art! Ryan Barton Barbara Reed
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is never o’clock. The office of THE MEDIUM is CAC Student Center Room 439. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM. This issue is dedicated to our e-mail SPAM filters and the fact that “Earn your Diployma at Rutgars” and “Asian Sex Cock Box Now Youres” get through every time.
Wednesday, October 22th, 2008
FEATURES
“Hey Sassy what happened last Wednesday night, did you conceive your child”
THE MEDIUM
A Strapped for Cash US Calls Parents for Financial Relief. By Nigs McFinkleton and Whore Tease
[ring ring] Britain: Hello, USA: uh... Hi Mom, Dad.
G.B.: Yeah, but we can’t just give you all our money! U.S.: Well then, can I move back in with you? Please!
G.B.: [excitedly] Sweetie, how are you, it’s been so long, about 225 years, right?
G.B.: I don’t know son, we converted your old bedroom into a game room, about a hundred years ago for Canada.
U.S.: Yeah, um, I’m in a lot of trouble Mom, I started a few wars that I can’t afford. I can’t pay rent anymore, and my landlords say that if I don’t U.S.: Well, what about all my stuff, what about my Spider-Man comics? have it by the end of the month, the Mexicans and Chinese are gonna kick me out. [whiney] It’s not fair! [sobs] G.B.: Oh, we threw that out, we figured you wouldn’t need that. G.B.: [laughing] You always were the little trouble maker, don’t think I haven’t forgotten about that little rebellious phase you went through in the 1700’s. [sighs] Ok, how much do you need? U.S.: uhhh... I only need about one trillion dollars, but I...I can pay the rest off myself. [clacking sound is heard, presumably pen and checkbook hitting floor]
U.S.: Fuck! Mom! That stuff is worth a lot! G.B.: Don’t you use that potty mouthed freedom of speech with me mister!
G.B.: WHAT!!! Are you kidding me, we don’t have that kind of money.
U.S.: Fine! Be that way! I only asked you for one favor. You know what?! I’m gonna put you in a cheap nursing home with Russia when you get old, let you think about the choice you just made.
U.S.: But what about the Euro, I heard that thing was worth a lot.
G.B.: Little bast---
More Wisdom From the LogoMonkey Q) Why are Busch classrooms so friggin frigid? A) The science-minded students over at assume that whoever remains after class in Busch are quite ambitious and would like very much to win a Nobel Prize. The frigidness you are experiencing is actually an attempt to cryogenically freeze you so that you may help test the theory of suspended animation. Because coercing participation does not fall within ethical guidelines for human testing, conditions are created so that subjects turn up on their own accord. In Busch classrooms, rather than harassing students to be frozen in a lab, experimenters merely set the themostats extremely low and
a frozen state has volunteered for the project. This idea give you goosebumps? Not to worry! As long as Rutgers keeps funding the science departments for the multimillion dollar machinery designed to preserve you, you can rest assured that you will one day be reanimated! On a completely different note, Rutgers has decided that it will now divert some of its financial resources toward the completion of the new bathrooms at the football stadium, complete with golden toilet seats and diamond-studded sink handles.
Ru t ge rs Nudists Association
Come and liberate yourself from society’s restraints and embrace your inner-human by releasing your outer human from the chains of clothing. We accept all humans of any race, gender and occupation, and all levels of freedom, whether it be top, bottom or both.
We meet every Wednesday at 9:00 P.M. in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center on College Avenue, and don’t forget to COME OVER NOOOODZ!!
OPIN IONS
Wednesday, 10/22/08
THE MEDIUM
“Ate opponents’ brains and invented cocaine”
Know Your Third Party Candidates So, in an attempt to be hip and radically different, you have decided not to vote for Obama on November 4th. Yet at the same time, McCain/Palin scares the shit out of you. Not liking either of the candidates, you’re probably just going to bang your head against a wall all day on Election Day. But wait! As fate would have it, there are indeed other choices on the ballot! One of the more awesome things about New Jersey is that it is relatively
Torgo Van Pelt
easy to get on the ballot for Presidential elections; you just need several hundred signatures and you are on. There are eight minor party candidates on the ballot. I will give you an overview about them as well as some of the 14 other candidates that are on at least one ballot. Libertarian Party For President: Bob Barr of Georgia For Vice President: Wayne Allyn Root of Nevada My first experience with the Libertarian Party came when Murray Sabrin ran for governor back in 1997, complete with low budget commercials attacking McGreevey and Whitman for having stricter car emissions standards, claiming it would lead to a fascist police state or something. That pretty much has been the raison d’être since the start: opposition of all
forms of government. No one cared until this year, when Ron Paul led a valiant charge towards double digits in the Republican primaries and caucuses. This led to a heated nomination between former Congressman and Republican Revolutionary Bob Barr of Georgia against former Senator and human YouTube machine Mike Gravel of Alaska. Barr won the nomination, but he has struggled to even gain the popularity of previous Libertarian candidates, because apparently people for no strings attached freedom don’t seem to be a big fan of a guy who voted for banning gay marriage and the Patriot Act. My brother got near the guy a few days ago in Ohio. He thought he was boring. Green Party For President: Cynthia McKinney of California For Vice President: Rosa Clemente of New York As you know, the Green ones peaked in 2000 with Ralph Nader, receiving nearly 2.9 million votes. They nominated in 2004... some guy...whose name I can’t recall, despite the fact I was at a rally of his at the University with 50 other people. Fortunately, they realized name recognition was a huge problem, so they decided to nominate former Georgia Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney, a person known for angering people with her comments about Jewish people and how the government knew about 9/11 beforehand. Her running is a “hip-hop activ-
ist”. On the bright side, they have the hippie/extreme left vote locked up! Constitution Party For President: Chuck Baldwin of Florida For Vice President: Darell Castle of Tennessee The third, third party, they are like some cross between the Libertarians and fundamentalist Christian extremist, which results in a party that’s even way farther to the right of conservative Republicans. Pat Buchanan was offered the nomination of this party in the past, but declined, which suggests how far right they are. Alan Keyes ran for their nomination earlier this year, but he got rejected, which shows that even they recognize a hopeless cause. Ron Paul endorsed their nominee, Florida pastor Chuck Baldwin, which makes sense because he’s more of an old school conservative than an actual libertarian, and also shows once again how Bob Barr has not worked out at all for the Libertarians. Independent Party For President: Ralph Nadder of Connecticut For Vice President: Matt Gonzalez of California Blah Blah Blah both parties are the same Blah Blah Blah Blah Republicrats Blah Blah Blah corporations are raping Blah Blah Blah, vote for me. There, I saved you the hour at a Nader rally. Nader’s running mate is actually sorta cool this time: he ran as a Green in an election for Mayor of San Francisco a few years
Trashing Health Centers Makes Me Sick By Whore Tease To the ‘Just the Facts’ boob in the Targum: Based on your article about the health centers from a few weeks ago. If you want to write an article, don’t fucking generalize all the health centers based on the shitty service of one. Go to another center and don’t complain about a service included in tution
unless you want to fork over the cash for a better one. If you don’t want to pay for the service in the tution, I’ll slap a stadium fee in there instead. Furthermore, Cook and Douglass centers aren’t the best places to go if you can avoid them. Try Busch/Liv or Hurtado. And FYI, if you’ve ever worked in a health field, which I’m
sure you haven’t, based on your lack of writing skills for your generalizations and whiny bitch attitude, a stomache accompanied by late period warrents for a pregnancy test to prevent damage to your fucking bastard child thanks to all the booze you drank while writing the article in the 3rd person.
back and actually came within a few percentage points of winning. So why is he going with this retread of a man? Hell, the Democrats don’t even give a shit anymore about this guy. Socialist Party For President: Brian Moore of Florida For Vice President: Stewart Alexander of California Socialist Workers Party For President: Róger Calero of New York For Vice President: Alyson Kennedy of New Jersey Party of Socialism and Liberation For President: Gloria La Riva of California For Vice President: Eugene Puryear of D.C. That’s right. There are three different Socialist Parties running for President. Guys, you’ll never bring the Proletariat to power with that kind of division within your ranks! Admittedly though, there are some differences. The Socialists are the more moderate faction of these three. If you can picture a whole room filled with clones of Dennis Kucinich, that’s them. I believe the Socialist Workers Party is the group that has their people hanging around random places on campus yelling about how Bill Cosby is a good for nothing capitalist. They’re Trotskyist, which after 20 times reading the Wikipedia article on it, I’m still not sure exactly what it is. The Party for Socialism and Liberation are good ole fashioned Marxists.
Now for some of the other parties that are running on the ballots in other states. The Prohibition Party is the third oldest active party in America, so you got to admire their devotion to the cause of preventing the sale of alcoholic beverages. There was this huge fight over the control of their party that forced all 5 of its supporters to take sides. Alan Keyes has not been fazed by his long string of failures and is running as an independent. A couple groups have splintered off from the Libertarian Party because they see the party as too moderate. One of them is called the Boston Tea Party, which I assume means they dress up as Indians and burn down government owned utilities and schools or something. Oh, and believe it or not, the Reform Party still exists. Finally there’s this guy named Jeff Boss, who is on the ballot only in New Jersey. His website claims that the NSA did 9/11 and that they have tried to kill him for knowing too much on multiple occasions by people working at Dunkin’ Donuts. He also writes in all caps, which is perfectly explainable, seeing as how this is such a startling revelation. He is also on the ballot for Senate, so I like how he is hedging his bets for office. In conclusion... aw, fuck it, there’s good reasons why people don’t vote for third parties these days. Just suck it up and vote Obama.
Next week: The Medium endorses! Send your political endorsements to opinions@themedium.net. Candidates can stop by at our editorial board meeting, this wednesday at 9 PM in room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center.
Wednesday, October 15th, 2008
ARTS
“Listen... I only have sheeps. Just give me your FUCKING wheat” picture you took of some really funny grafitti. Is it your grafitti? Even better! Just difficult about sending said Well, we’ve reached don’t tell us that. shit in? Because of your the place where I ask you This is not a ploy, shittiness, I’m forced to to send me stuff again. this is not a game or a joke. draw another installation of Honestly, you can send me I honestly want you to send my quest to take our former ANYTHING. me something for me to Arts editor’s place. You can Send me your note- print. see that it did not go well. book doodles, send me a Think about how
Why Do You People Hate Me? What the fuck, dudes. I ask for some goddamned submissions and I get NOTHING. What is so difficult to grasp about this. I know you assholes draw shit. What the FUCK is so
of-water moe. As I’ve said; him why. The told me that solid. it was about a cyborg killing an entire planet of robots. Hyakko - As I was watchThat was all I needing it, I got flashbacks of ed to add it to my WATCH Alright, fags. I told which is to say zero. Azumanga Daioh. This is list. He was not incorrect in you you would get more yet another anime about that assessment. So far all anime shit if you wouldn’t To Aru Majutsu no Index- the goings-on of several I’ve seen from this show is send me stuff, so enjoy my Magic, lolis, ass-kicking. schoolgirls on their quest a skinny dude run around writeup of this season’s an- Fuck yes. Seriously. Also, to be schoolgirls and cute. and murder robots, and then ime. You can’t stop this! it’s looking to have the best It seems pretty funny and there was a loli, and then leading female this season. there are no complaints so he murdered more robots. Clannad: After Story - I Index is SUCH A CUTIE. far, but I can see this one Fuck yes. wrote of this last week, so going downhill if it doesn’t all I can say is, “more of the Kannagi - The OP is so keep up the funny. Toradora - I saved this one same,” just with less sexual overrated. Other than that, for last, because this was tension. Which is a damn though, it seems quite solid. Casshern Sins - A person one I was most excited for. shame. Also the amount of Sexual tension, semi-tsun- I know told me I should First of all, it features an Fuko is dangerously low, dere female lead, fish-out- watch this show and I asked all-star voice cast, including
The Shit I’ve Watched This Season:
THE MEDIUM awesome that would look on your resume, to be printed in an actual newspaper! Because despite what THEY might say about us, that’s what we are. Best of luck. Cal En Managing Editor
Rie Kugimiya voicing the (you guessed it) tsundere lead female Taiga Aisaka, as well as Rie Tanaka and Minori Chihara to name a few. It’s about two misfits trying to help each other land the guy/gal of their dreams. We, the audience, know that they’re going to end up together, but it’s still fun to see how they’re going to do it. It’s been full of thrills, spills, and lots of laughs, so far. And because of this it’s looking to be the best show of the season. Fuck all the haters.
THE MEDIUM (Hey, guess what everyone-- I’m menstruating!!! My personals performance is at its peak!) Sometimes when life proves to be too much for my brain to handle, I think about puppies... fluffy puppies in green trousers roasting over an open fire (they taste great with ketchup, by the way) The squirrels at College Ave. are getting pretty fat. Apparently they’ve been hanging around the grease trucks (maybe one’ll end up in my sandwich!! Everything else under the sun is between those buns! And all that extra fat on those squirrelys’ll make for tasty lickums! Ohgollyshucksgeewiz) I love language and violence! (That’s really sick of you. Am I the ONLY one left with morals? Why, I ought to smack you upside your head and whip yo ass into Tokyo Disneyland!) To my Elementary Combinatorics and Probability class, I hope you read The Medium now since my soda exploded all over my Medium Shirt. If so, HI! Send me News Articles please cause thats my job If more than one person can fit inside of you - scratch that - if anyone can fit inside of you, lose weight! (except for the ladies gigity gigity g o o ) OMG I just lol’ed until I rofl’ed all over jimmy’s face. What does rofl mean in this context? If you find out you r0xx0rz (Ridonkabonkadonkulous Orgie Teabagging Filthy Llamas. you think you can get one by me, I can see right through you...teabagger) Hey, Mr. Po-lice man, why do you drive around playing your siren as if you was a disc jockey at a club? Are remix sounds the only way to get the attention of the New Brunswick gangstas? Interesting tidbit from Intro to Soc: “Children who are raised in poverty are three times more likely to die than other children.” So not only is the upper class rich, they’re IMMORTAL!!
PERSONALS
The day before the day after yesterday’s tomorrow after... thingy , 2008
“Nude Disintegrating Parachute Woman!” Walking through the Fris- I told one of those milibee golf course at Dou- tant voter registration glass is like walking dudes that “No, I am NOT through the Matrix registered to vote because (Only the Frisbees don’t NO, I am NOT voting at zoom over your head in all.” .....when I woke up slow motion. They rupture I was in a dumpster beyour skull at in- hind the College Ave. stucredible speeds) dent center and, judging by the stitches, it appeared I just pulled something remy spleen had been stolen ally weird out of my ass : P How can my feet smell if (was it this personal?) they don’t have a nose? To everyone. I LOVE Ever since I read that arYOU ALL! HAVE A ticle about bugs being WONDERFUL DAY! used as food enhancers in (what is this “love” of almost any way shape which you speak? I don’t and form I have to wonGot it through the PERSONALS!!! like it, it gives me gas) der: Why is Heinz tomato Firetruck! Firetruck! Fire- ketchup shiny? Ketchup is truck! YEAAAAAA! not supposed to be shiny... To the girl on the EE bus To the skateboarder ( n o . . . ) (Ahhh, that is actually a after the football game. who tripped outside Yes, we I am the king and/ natural tomato byprod- What is going on with Scott Hall: were laughing at YOU, uct my naive friend. You or queen of sauce! your lips?! Did some(Well I’m the king and/or see, Heinz knows how one tell you that making you clumsy fuck. To the girls queen of meat byprod- stimulate tomatoes in just a permanent, kissy, pouty who attempted to verbally uct patties so I get to the right way. Ever hear scowl is sexy? You solve a Sudoko puzzle on constipated. the bus: Two wrongs do not squeeze your in- about the tomato turn- look ing red because it saw the I’ve just been on the make a right. Similarly, nards all over myself!) Russian dressing. Now, phone for 90 minutes and two idiots can not solve a My professor’s cell phone Heinz takes that to now I think my brain is Sudoko puzzle, but they went off in class and it a whole new level...) radioactive! I can pick can make fools of themsounded as if we were selves like none other. in an episode of Mr. Rod- My roommate totally up other people’s cell Unbaked dough gers neighborhood be- banged my (now former) phone conversations, but feels like testicles ing filmed in the hell of friend-with-benefits!! She’s it sucks: apparently no another dimension such an extreme guidette one has anything to talk My dorm room is a sweet ditz that she couldn’t about haze of but Facebook psychadelic (it’s interesting how even tell it was my If you google “google” lava lamps, tye dye, and you say that as if it’s r o o m m a t e ! will the universe explode? posters of ancient rock such a far away place) (Fucks to be you, Some student group came bands. All of which are The last cheeto is the cheesiest g i g g l e g i g g l e ) to my door looking for my roommate’s. Someone me. to all the mets/yankees/anti- I pee in the show- monetary donations but I help told them to fuck off bephillies fans who live in er All this chalk debris in my all the time! the newell apts by the PAL (Editor’s note: In case cause they didn’t have math class is making New b u i l d i n g - any of you forgot from any girl scout cookies. England clam chowder e r k s in GO FUCK YOURSELVES the time you opened the J my nose! YOU FUCKING HAT- cover about two minutes To the beaver who bit me as To that guy on the B bus who ERS! my roomates and ago, as this reader clear- I was heading back home was wearing UGGS. WTF i have every right to go ly has, you are reading from College Ave: are Who else here finds it outside and celebrate going the Medium and not postse- you rabid? funky that the Korean to the world series since we cret.com Spread the word!) Hey there girl who was church on college ave is havent had the oppurtunity That burrito from Q’doba walking around with the attatched to a credit union? at allll.... since 1993. We were litter- did not sit too well with puckered fish-lips and Annn-yone ally outside for 5 minutes me because now my ass doesn’t seem able to stop. (well, I find your spelldoing a victory run when one is and grammar sounding like See what happens when ing of the RAs came over Darth a little funkytown) Vader : ( you don’t stop sucking and told us we had 4 (The force is strong f a c e ? To the girl personals edicomlaints. FUCK YOU with this one...) (NAME REDACTED)why tor, would you fuck the and i hope u dont have I’d take this whole print is it that you take 45 dude personals editor? exams to study for dur(Staff writers actually green initiative a whole minute showers in the ing the games to come take a vow of (tempolot more serious if I morning but still smell bc we will have no merrary) abstinence upon got some threats from liek hamster? you’re imcy so FUCK YOU , entering the Medium trees! Like, a mysteri- possible. and you smell and your FAILURE so to increase the numous phone call where the to the girl who walked in TEAMS YOU DOUCHE ber of masturbation other dude’s like “Dude, front of me at arc and then BAGS get used to it. And jokes. Least that’s what I’m a tree, and you’re in totally expected an apology. yes we say home and phone I keep telling myself.. ) trouble.” They need to get your head out of (Got a lot of shit on your mind different GET THE FUCK mobilize because, right your ass and watch ? Want to let it all out like an OVER IT...its not like were now, they’re like... to- where you’re going bitch elderly woman on laxatives speaking a foreign language tally immobilized Cheres peuples qui par- and prune juice? Send your Rutgers has more budget (dude! gnarly! lent francais, voulez-vous mental excrement our way at cuts than an emo’s wrists don’t do drugs!) coucher avec moi, ce soir? personals@themedium.net)
Wednesday, October 22th, 2008
DAS MEDIUM
“Brought to you by Igiveuherpes Inc. - For all you STD needs.” BEWARE TO EVERY- Hey doucheface. I hate Why do all black girls on John McCain is a douche. ONE WHO USES THE your constant yelling on the Nielson dining hall take- Barack Obama is a pansy. MATS IN THE COOK FIT- the phone/computer at the out line think they can sing? (Hey, show some respect NESS CENTER!!! Some weirdest hours. The only Every fucking time i get to your future President.) gross ass prick enjoys way i can stand being in the stuck behind a band of them I clever?) rubbing his ass and balls room with you is if i pretend inevitably one of them is (Aren’t on them w/ his short ass to be asleep so you don’t singing (or attempting To my professor: fuck shorts on. And to the turn on the MOTHERFUCK- to sing) some godaw- you for assigning a paprick...Fuck YOU, I didn’t ING OVERHEAD LIGHT ful Rhianna or Chris per for this weekend. It’s finish my fucking work- AT 2 AM! IT’S CALLED Brown song. And don’t totally cutting into my out cause of ur demented COMMON COURTESY, think i don’t see you look- sex and video game time. a s s ! DUMBASS. I have come in ing around for signs of ap- I’d totally fuck MiV- I love how every the room at 4 AM and made proval: you ain’t getting it chelle Obama. She’s time i wake up, and look no noise and no light. If you here “sistah”. Maybe it’s be- one hot niggerette. down, i see you. Keep need to write a paper cause you’re always at least To my creative writing up the good work my when i’m sleeping, GO 2 hundo overweight and class: i’m sorry if i scarred sexy chocolate mama. -A TO THE LOUNGE. I unaware so you attempt to any of you when I constantto the college republicans at would do the same for fit inot jeans that are hold- ly brought up the subject of the voter registration tables you, but I never actually ing on to dear life around my balls in class. I was simwho decided to give my write papers in the room at that disgusting girth of lard ply being creative. Kinda. boyfriend & i bad looks 2, because I would be in the you call an ass. Maybe it’s (Maybe you should whip when we walked by: lounge already. I will feel because you singing sounds them out next time. I bet YES, WE ARE DIFFER- like a complete tool if I like Steven Hawk- they’d laugh their fuckENT COLORS. the world need to invest in a Holly ing gargling cum. Oh ing asses off at that. Or certainly has changed Golightly sleep mask, but yeah, and if someone have you arrested...) while you were at home it may be a necessity. You asks me if I’m registered Hey assholes! Thanks (Are you black or an Arab? make it difficult to get up to vote one more time, I’m for all the submissions They scare Republicans, for 11:30 classes. That is gonna register my fist so this week! Keep sending don’t you know that?) so unbelievably sad. So get far up their ass they’ll be us your thoughts, ideas, to the boy in my internation- your self-absorbed ass to tasting knuckle. bullshit, death threats, al relations lecture who is take out the trash once in (Fat girls on Doug- etc. and we’ll keep printalways doing crosswords in awhile, stop yelling, put lass? How rare! And the ing them. Send shit to pen: you are beautiful. if your damn paper in the idea of Stephen Hawk- personals@themedium. you ever feel like some- recycling you earth-hating ing gargling cum is one net or come be part of our one is staring at you, it is buttface and stop pretending of the funniest things I’ve weekly debauchery at our probably me. sorry for that. your annoying ass is cool or heard in a loooong time.) meetings! They happen (Stop drooling and fucksomething because I hate If I hear the word “mav- at 9:00 PM Wednesday ing fuck him already. your life. PS- The bath- erick” one more time nights in Room 439 at the Unless you’re fat.) room jawn will go down I’m going to seriously Rutgers Student Center to my lame roommate: quit in history as the biggest tear someone’s head off. on College Ave. There’s creeping up in my room every sometimes... roommate faux pas EVER. (You and me both.) candy, day and bitching at me about That will be a story to tell the dishes. if it bothers you the kids. So thank you for that much, fucking do it that. Sincerely,Someone yourself. p.s.- why do you with growing resenthave to be such a square and ment who does not know lock yourself in your room. how to approach it. i’m still waiting to see (Wow, that’s really fucking you go out for once. long. I read it, though. I get a life buddy. doubt anyone else will, which To whoever owns the car sucks for you. And there’s a that was blocking my drivesimple solution: shit on their way for 2 days this week: I bed. Works like a charm.) got your car towed, asshole. That’s what you get for be- to joe the plumber, i can’t wait By Satanic Yoda ing a fucking inconsiderate to watch your re-run on snl! To the crazy black kid As some of you may have heard, former Secretary of State asshole douche and blockthat lives in Livings- Gen. Colin Powell endorsed Democrat Barack Obama for ing my car in. Seriously, you ton...We fucked once President (suck on THAT, Centurion!). Some of you also didn’t even have a fucking NOW LEAVE ME THE know that both Obama and Powell are half black and half permit for NB. It brought FUCK ALONE stop white. We all know about how race has been such a huge my roommates and I great calling me and watch- issue in this election, so I’m going to do what the rest of the cheer to know that you’ll ing me through the win- Media does and needlessly inject race into this event! be paying hundreds of doldow it creeps me out to lars at the fucking impound even take a fucking shower This Weeks Question: Which half of Gen. Powell endorsed to get your car back, ass. cause i’m afraid that ur like which half of Senator Obama? Don’t fuck with me again. watching me through the to the personals editor who little slit between the wall and A: Powell’s black half endorsed Obama’s white half commented on a personal the shower curtain. AND BY B: Powell’s black half endorsed Obama’s black half last week by saying you THE WAY UR FAR FROM C. Powell’s white half endorsed Obama’s white half could get aids by a homeBEING SEXTASTIC less man biting you, ( H a h a h a h a h h a - D: Powell’s whie half endorsed Obama’s black half ARE YOU SERIOUS?! haha, owned.) E. AHHHHHHHHH FUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK! (If you REALLY want Tim watched Mulan. to know, try it yourself.) Tim is really really gay. Send responses to personals@themedium.net This personal is upside down.
I’m not a racist, I think jews and blacks are equally worthless. (If you really weren’t racist, why don’t you think everyone else is worthless?) To Freddie Mercury and Goat-Man in my gen. physics class who laugh at all of the professors corny jokes, why dont you guys quit jerkin each other off and glue your lips to his ass already... AND SHAVE OFF YOUR FACIAL HAIR, YOU GUYS LOOK RETARDED A-well-a bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, well the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird’s the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, well the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird’s the word ( G a a a a a a y . ) To “Face”: I know you may love the 6th floor, but it fucking hates you!!! Stop trying to bribe us with cheese doodles, it only tells us that you have no friends. P.S. Stop adding people on Facebook, we all reject your requests for a reason! P.P.S. Your floor hates you too! Dear annoying asshole in Chem, Please stop talking. Nobody gives a shit about your rambling and the professor doesn’t like you. The sucking up is rediculous. You’re head is so far up his ass, if he farted he’d blow your head off. Your voice makes me want to punch babies, so please, save a baby and FUCKING KILL YOURSELF. To the wise guy who hung toilet paper in the space between the walls of the stalls in the Alexander Library bathrooms. Fuck you. I can’t see the reflections of other men’s genitalia anymore. What am I supposed to jack off to now? Postsecret.com is the fucking gayest thing ever. Stupid emo kids, razor blades are for shaving! (Oh, emo kids. Crybaby fucks...) Speaking of emo kids, who’s worse, emo kids or hipsters? (Hmmmm, tough one...) Juciycampus.com is fucking gay, and there’s already the Medium personals page for shit like that.
RANDOM SHIT
MEDIUM POLE
THE MEDIUM
WHAT’S SHAKIN’?
Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008
“We’re gonna be out of the butt and into the FUCK if we don’t come up with that $36.”
Here
On This Day In History
Wednesday, October 22: “Analyzing Behavioral Changes with Age: What can we learn from worms?” I wish I were making this shit up.
1866: Paraguay fights the Battle of Curupayti against Uruguay to find out which country is more guay.
Wednesday, October 22: Michael Moore speaks on his new book, “How to be Marginally Successful When You’re Fat and Ugly”
1903: Confucius masturbates for the first time.
Monday, October 27: “Stalin vs. Babies: The Life and Murder of Nikolai Vavilov” in the Zimmerli Art Museum, Voorhees Hall.
Away Thursday, October 23: Senate to vote on resolution reconsidering the legal status of suicide. Friday, October 24: BET starting negotiations expanding it’s demographics to “not black people” Saturday, October 25: Christina Applegate (“Tits McGee” from Anchorman) to get breast implants after her double mastectomy. Said McGee, “I missed my tits.”
1907: Crackheads find out there is, in fact, no leprechaun in the tree. 1984: Gays across the nation unleash AIDS to combat years of persecution 1990: Poland Spring unveils “water” and subsequently conquers the beverage market. 2002: Your mom graduates from college with full departmental honors and a degree in Anthropology. 2006: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi holds on to number one terrorist threat on Top 40 charts for seven straight months; critics rave.
Jigsaw Trap of the Week This is what happens when Kendra from “The Girls Next Door” is put into a Jigsaw trap:
“Hello Kendra, I want to play a game. For years, you have used your vagina and your breasts as a tool to your success. Today, however, you must choose between the two. In about 30 seconds, the device you are strapped into will activate, and the seven feathers you see before you will begin tickling you until your peesh falls off. What you must do is stimulate your nipples until they are hard enough to cut through the glass in front of you. Grab the key to unlock yourself to freedom. Be quick, though. The more you’re tickled, the more you’ll emit that boner-shrinking laugh, and the harder it will be to get those nipples up. You have to choose between your rack and your pussy. Live or die, Kendra. Make your choice.”
We get it. You like sports! STFU, bitch.
YouTube Video of the Week
^
t s r o W
“Hot ‘N Cold”
“Hot ‘N Cold” is an upbeat single by girl-kisser Katy Perry. However, the video is a piece of shit. Because this makes me too angry to form a coherent paragraph, the me list the reasons:
-The maid of honor is a dude. -The dancing is like something ot of an 80’s work out video. A bad one. -The fiance is 12. -Where’d her dress go? OH! She ripped it off before jumping over a giant hot dog! -Her boob has a bow. -The brides look like they’re from a shitty horror movie. -Katy Perry is doing a number of outdated dances. -That is a fucking zebra. So basically, she’s just a terrible person. The link, I say, bring on the link! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X75mry1LcFg
She down-under-kissed a girl, and, well, just look at the damn picture.