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Wednesday, October 29th, 2008
Volume XXXIX - Issue VIII
McCormick Sits in Sincere Patch, ∑∆T House Sued by Zombies Waits for Great Pumpkin group of zombies stated; “House BY A. PERSON BY SCARLET FELICE CONTRIBUTING WRITER
New Brunswick, NJ- Rutgers President Richard McCormick began a stakeout earlier today in the hopes that a mythical entity from a fictitious comic strip would make an appearance. When approached for an interview, McCormick was patiently sitting in a horse pasture on Cook campus because there is no pumpkin patch on Rutgers, or any other patch for that matter considering the recent news about the sexual health of the student body. Following his unique grasp on logic, he reasoned that such an appearance would bring about increased publicity for the school, and therefore increased applications from prospective students, all
said EAT! We want eat brains but we no find any! Why these stupid of whom would be brilliant and be able to carry Rutgers football to the New Brunswick, NJ-The ∑∆T so- humans have no brains?! Zombies so angry and HUNGRY!” Super Bowl. rority house on College Ave is Luckily, no actual humans It was later reported from being sued by a group of displeased unnamed necrophiliac sources that zombies for false advertising and where harmed during the zombie rampage.The incident however, reCharles Shultz rolled over in his “zombieslaughter” grave in shame. A representative from the sulted in the starvation deaths of many zombies, but after an intensive investigation conducted by the RUPD, the zombies where already dead to begin with. The zombie survivors claimed that they will “make stupid humans PAAAAY for killing friends!” Quite literally too...The case was recently settled outside of court when the lovely ladies of ∑∆T invited the zombies to a keg party and everyone got shit-faced. Nice one ladies! CONTRIBUTING WRITER
(In lieu of flowers, brains can be sent to EVERYWHERE as Zombies have overrun the world!)
Student Still Plans to Wear ‘The Love Guru’ Costume He Bought Three Months Ago BY P.J. SHUN CONTRIBUTING WRITER
New Brunswick, NJ- A student has stopped doubting himself over the relevance of his ‘Love Guru’ Halloween costume. Once believing it to be too obscure, he feared the character might go over most people’s heads. While still true, he has publically stated that he plans to continue wearing the Mike Myers’ costume even if most people don’t “get it”. The yellow, floral print tunic and prosthetic beard, that is the onscreen garb of “Guru Pitka”, lays sprawled out on sophomore, Gary Dissanto’s bed. Dissanto now hovers over the costume with bittersweet thoughts. “The minute I saw ‘The Love Guru’ I knew I wanted to be him for Halloween, that’s never happened to me before at a mid-
night showing,” confessed Gary. “Three months after it left theatres I was worried I’d be asking too much of my audience. Now I know there’s only one way to find out.” Gary bought the costume for $79.99 off Partysplash.net one week after the movie’s opening weekend release. A purchase Gary hoped wasn’t arbitrary. Three months ago the choice appeared adventurous and edgy, then two weeks ago Gary got cold feet. “I was afraid that most people would be confused as to who I am. They won’t have any idea. So I just have to be strong and somehow stay relevant,” states Dissanto. It’s a long shot. However, none of this is new for the Economics major. For the past five years Dis-
santo has been donning the wardrobe of recent pop culture icons for Halloween. From Napoleon Dynamite to SNL’s ‘dick in a box character’, Dissanto has yet to disappoint his peers and audience with his blockbuster roles. “I’ve done all the big ones. I’ve made people laugh with my Nacho Libre, Borat and so on. People loved those off the bat. Now I’m taking a gamble.” Explains Gary. Most of the doubt surrounding the costume comes from poor box office sales of the film. With so few having witnessed the nature and mannerisms of ‘Guru Pitka’, Dissanto is left vulnerable. “In the past I could always bank on a “Yeaaaah baby!” or “groooovy”. The same can’t be said with the catchphrase now, “Mariska hargitay!” I’m left to improvise while also forcing people to think a
A Pretty Spooky Spectacle We Are! ESTABLISHED 1970
little more, which maybe isn’t a bad thing,” states Dissanto. Dissanto has confessed that the esoteric costume choice this year is inspired by his need to branch out and explore new territory in Halloween comedy. With most students likely to sport mainstream costumes such as ‘The Joker’ and Sarah Palin, Dissanto is risking himself much like Andy Kaufman did on stage. “I know most people won’t get it, all I’m asking is that you take a journey with me. And in the end it’ll pay off big, I promise,” confirms Dissanto. Only time will tell if ‘The Love Guru’ costume will pay off as comedy gold or crash and burn a horrible death. The only certainty now is Dissanto’s desire to push boundaries.
THE MEDIUM
AHHHH, REAL NEWS! “You boys like Mex-i-co? Yeeeeeehoooooooo!”
Wednesday, October 29th, 2008
Desperate for Support, McCain Facebook Friends Everyone Accidentally Gives Out 2 Million “Support Obama” Bumper Stickers Kenny Chesney, so I don’t think I’ll vote for him.” Though this idea Facebook, Internet- In a was, in theory, a good one, desperate attempt to boost it blew up in his face like his poll ratings, John Mc- Castro’s cigar. A recent Cain created a Facebook Gallup poll shows McCain account and friended every- actually has a negative approval rating. Gallup creatone. “It was about time,” ed a “Pwned” category, just said an anonymous McCain for him. Republican Vice friend. “He kept calling us “my friends” in his speech- Presidential nominee Caries. I used to be an Obama bou Barbie also took part supporter until I saw Mc- in the Facebook outreach. Cain and I had 34 friends in She said, “We are ill about common. So, yeah. I wrote Obama’s takeover of the on his wall the other day. young voters, and his conActually, I saw that he likes nection to Facebook terrorist BY TRINIDAD TOBAGGO STAFF WRITER
groups such as, “Coexist,” “Against Gay Marriage? Then Don’t Get One and Shut the Fuck Up,” and “1,000,000 Strong for Barack Obama. And, “We have to, it’s all about job creation, because 1 in 5 jobs created under the umbrella of job creation are, umm, it’s gotta be all about tax cuts for the Joe Six Packs out there, and the lipsticked pit bulls, and the fucking rednecks getting shotgun married to my daughter. Ya know, I’m so far away from the liberal elite in the beltway, and
Batman Discusses Gotham Crime Continued From Front
that, also...“ This reporter would like to mention that the original quote was three paragraphs longer. To aide McCain, Sarah Palin created the Facebook group, “A Team of Mavericks.” 90% of the members thought it was a joke group.
Gggerenahfnana hrugkkej hurgrgrgea JOKER ahrrrgggeagga IS LOOSE AND hagrgrgg.
RACHEAL!!! Raarrrhaaagggg hhhaahhhhaggaaagagagagagagagga I’M NOT THE ONE WEARING HOCKEY PADS!!! afadfaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr THIS CITY DOESN’T NEED A HERO THAT IT HAS BUT IT DOES WANT A HERO THAT HAS A HERO THAT THEY DESERVE TO HAVE NEED!
Barack Admits to Homosexual Relationship With Bill Ayers Codename: Barackback Mountain BY PETER PUFFER CONTRIBUTING WRITER
Washington, D.C.- Within a couple of days until the election, presidential candidate Barack Obama admitted to the press about his status with former radical terrorist Bill Ayers. “People think that I just served on a board with him...but there’s so much more too that. It’s true, I have had an affair with Ayers.” This comes as a surprise because a recent poll showed that many thought John Edwards would be the one that would be a Fudge Packer and not Obama because ‘he don’t roll like that.” Obama continued on, “I met William Ayers at a small gathering at his home in 1995 because I was the chosen successor to the
Democratic Primary. I was canoodling with some of the guests, when in walked in the big boss man himself. At first, I thought he was pompous talking about the embassies he bombed. I quickly told him that I was a married man and he gave me the look that said “Your loss” and walked away. I didn’t think about it at first, but little did I know that that face would appear in my dreams for a long time.” “I then saw him again when I served on the Chicago Annenberg Challenge, which disbursed grants to schools. We sat next to each other and I would notice that he would sometimes put his hand on my lap and sometimes on my crotch, as if wanting to give me a hand-job right in the middle of the meeting. One day, I privately pulled
CONTENTS
Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8
News Real News! Features Opinions Arts Personals Vag Lip Lickers Whats Shakin’
Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12 Page 13 Page 14 Page 15 Page 16
Lou Bega Light Sabers Jonestown Kazaam! Who writes the meanest contents? Shaft!
Cover by: Count Spooktaculspookulaspooksteriffica
him over one day and I said, “Listen Ass-Wrangler, I have a family and I don’t like this sexual harassment.” Next thing I know, he puts his finger on my mouth and says, “Shhh, I’m not gay either, but sometimes it’s ok to be a poofter.” And the next thing I knew we were playing tonsil hockey and I swear I heard the theme song to Dawson’s Creek in the background.” “So every Sunday, I would meet at his house and explore our sexual nature that my wife could not provide for me. We would start off watching a movie,
his favorite was The Fox and The Hound and mine is Jungle Fever, and then next thing you know....ohh boy. Our favorite game to play was Weather Underground and that is when he would go down on me and I would ask, “What’s the weather down there,” and he would respond, “Steamy with a 25% chance of black-cock.” Even though I never really understood that one, it always made me laugh...he’s my little Chutney Ferret.” “We both realized that after I was elected to the Senate, that things would have to change. So
we made a promise. The first Sunday of every four months he would fly down to D.C and we would just sit on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, think that the Washington Monument reminds us of a penis and play a game of splash-tag in the Reflecting Pool. We still keep the tradition alive.” When asked could this hurt your chances of becoming the President, he replied, “Are you kidding... I am Barack Obama, you know that right.” Good answer, Mr. Obama, good answer, you little Dick-Smoker you.
WEATHER OR NOT
Tonight Tomorrow
THE MOON DESTROYS TERMINA! PLAY THE SONG!!! The Moon was repelled! Thank you Link, Hero of Time!
Thursday Where did the sun go? Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Opinions Editor News Editor Features Editor Arts Editor What’s Shakin’ Editors Personals Editors
Friday SERIOUSLY, WHERE?! Paul Winters Colin Fong Jake Lewandowski John Bender Tim Swanson Reader Submissions! Santiago Melli-Huber Abe Stanway Dave Imbriaco Kaitie Davis
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Gary Klimowicz Helen Ortiz Paul Winters Gary Klimowicz Photoshop CS 1 Ryan Barton Barbara Reed
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is never o’clock. The office of THE MEDIUM is CAC Student Center Room 439. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM. This issue is dedicated to Wendy’s and their oh so delicious 99¢ nubbin’ luvin’ chee-burger chee-burgers.
Wednesday, March 5th 2008
FEATURES
Next time there will be something below on your absence Sassy...
THE MEDIUM
Episode 36: Beebe’s father goes to jail Watch as Beebe goes from riches to rags as her father lands in jail for inside trading. With all of her assets frozen, and her mother in the mental asylum (because of an unfortunate nervous breakdown) Beebe must now walk the streets of Bluffington at night looking for her “Johns”.
Revisited
by CHarle. and JMN
Episode 37: Porkchop dies It’s a fucking dog who ate chocolate, we all know that if a dog eats chocolate it dies because theobromine that is toxic to dogs in sufficient quantities. This is a xanthine compound in the same family of caffeine, and theophylline. because the xanthine compound theobromine, which is in the same family of caffeine and theophylline, is toxic to dogs in sufficient quantities depending other like individual sensitivity, animal size and chocolate concentration, so get over it. Episode 38: Mr. Dink is a Pedophile Mr. Dink gets arrested showing off his “very expensive” toys to the neighborhood children in his garage. When the police arrived at the scene they saw two boys smothered in full latex body outfits and Mr. Dink pulling anal beads out of a 6yr old girl’s ass.
As a child growing up I guarantee you that most of you have watched or heard of the cartoon Doug. We all remember this show as the one cartoon that stands above the rest, whether it’s teaching children in America the difference between right and wrong, or how act in certain social occasions. However, after switching the show from Nickelodeon to ABC, Doug has lost its touch of deadpan humor and its overall innocence. As a result of this the show had to be cancelled in midseason. But did any of you guys wonder about the rest of episodes that were never aired? Well, due to my connections with the Viacom, I actually got to talk to the former producers of the show and got them to tell me about the unseen episodes. So here’s a couple:
Episode 39: Skeeter pulls out the race card “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!” “blu-ee, I said blu-ee...I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t know...” “Motherfucker that’s OUR word, I’m going to kill you bitch! Honk! Honk!” Episode 40: Mr. Bone bones Mr. Funnie Doug catches his father going to a gay bathhouse where he sees Mr. Bone helping his father jerk off. (And then South Park took the idea)
Episode 41: Doug gets laid Doug finally gets invited to a cool party where he finds Patty Mayonnaise passed out in a drunken stupor. He “accidentally” has “surprise sex” with her. Skeeter recommends that “that baby ain’t yo’s and so you ain’t paying fo’ no chi’ support.” He also tells him not to go to any shows that give out free tickets (like Episode 42: Patty Mayonnaise gets pregnant Fast-foward a few months and guess who got pregnant from episode 41. That’s right, Doug spread his Mayonnaise on her patty, and here is the result. With Doug as the father and Patty being only a freshman in high school, she decides to make the moral choice of getting an abortion in the back of the Honker Burger with a metal hanger.
And now some Halloween wisdom from the logomonkey 5.) How can I find out where the parties are at??
What does this zombified whore and whoreish schoolgirl have in common. They are both waiting for you at the medium. They want you to come to a Medium meeting in Room 439 of the College Avenue Student Center every Wednesday at 9:00 P.M. They also wouldn’t mind if you sent over a submission to FEATURES@THEMEDIUM.NET
It’s really not as hard as you might think. Simply stand at the corner of Easton and Mine and click your ruby red slippers together three times while saying “I wish I had some ass, I wish I had some ass, I wish I had some ass...” If a mystical tornado does not pick you up and deposit you at the nearest bangin-ass party, a cop will overhear you and pick you up to undergo questioning to see where he can get some of the that acid he probably thinks you are on. Nothing simulates the party experience like getting arrested in a state of confusion! That or you could get picked up by some other unearthly entities. After all, it is Halloween... Editor’s Note: And don’t forget to wear a spiffy costume bitches, even though you’ll probably end up taking it of anyways...
THE DO WHAT WE SAY Only 162 days until Passover! MEDIUM 115 Million Dollars we Can Use Endorsements 2008 Instead of Building a Bullshit “Obscure political references are just as awesome as cartoon dicks, doncha know?”
By The Medium editorial Board, unless otherwise noted
Palpatine: The Change we Need for Chancellor Let’s face it, the Galactic Senate is in gridlock. Constant feuding between parties has prevented any work from getting done. The citizens deserve better. While many candidates are saying that they are ready to take this problem on by the horn, we feel that there is only one that is truly ready: Senator Palpatine of Naboo. Though he has only been a member for only 6 parsecs, Palpatine has stepped up to the plate for his star system many, many times. I can’t think of any specific examples, but I am sure they are out there. Not only that, but he has big plans for the future of this galaxy, such as a “final solution” for the conflict with the separatists. Sure there are those critics that say he’s a secret Sith Lord, but these attacks are baseless. In fact, it just seems that most people are noticing the similarities in appearance between him and fictional cartoon villain Joe Lieberman. In reality, Palpatine he truly change we can believe in for the better.
We Need More Elizabeth Kuof the Same cinich: The Only More Than Correct Answer Throughout the genEver Now eral election campaign, we We are currently in the middle of an election By Greg where Schiano we are seeing both major candidates are trying to make themselves as a fresh new face for Washington, yet I see no one question the experience of either Senator McCain or Senator Obama. They both say that they are ready from the start, but I am not as sure. And with good reason: both John McCain and Barack Obama have no experience being President of the United States between them combined. Sure, you may say that you have trust in them, but me, I have no idea what they are going to do. That is why I am going to cast a write-in vote for George W. Bush this presidential election. Yes, I know that he is constitutionally ineligible for election this year, and yes, I don’t think he has done a good job at all these past 8 years. But, I do have a good idea what he’s probably going to do for the next 4 years. So I am going to stick with the known quantity. And if you saw what happened last Saturday against Pittsburgh, this strategy of staying the course has worked wonders for me and the entire Rutgers football team!
ments in general. It makes me feel bigger than I actuNot A Neocon Senator ally am by telling people from Connecticut, so what they should. stop asking stupid -I endorse the presence of questions originating volunteers on campus to get from Holonet chat- them to vote. While some said it was overkill, I think rooms, Okay? they should have pushed Endorsement Quickies even harder; areas such as dorm showers were severe-I endorse the endorsement ly untapped. of Barack Obama by Colin -Finally, I endorse the idea Powell. Seriously, that was of sending your opinions to a thing of theatrical beauty. opinions@themedium.net. -Hell, let’s endorse endorse-
Football Stadium
By CHarle and JMN I know what you’re thinking. I mean here is another fucking kid complaining about how it’s a waste building a new football stadium. Well, me and my friend genuinely thought this over and came up with better uses of those 115 million have seen tons of males dollars. The problem is that the Targum won’t accept our oggle some of the females submission and President McCormick is too busy to blow involved with this election us. So, we present you our ideas to make our school better cycle. Sarah Palin is a fre- with 115 million dollars. quent target of these testosterone driven fantasies, -Reunite anyone of the 80’s bands that hasn’t had a hit in which is all fun and good, the last 20 years. until it strikes you during masturbation that she’s for - See The Smiths, Gun N’ Roses, Duran Duran? creationism in schools. I’ve also heard catcalls directed -Buy 115 million one dollar lottery tickets (hope for the towards John McCain’s best) second wife, which is just plain weird. Seriously, there -Pay 4chan.org’s internet bandwidth until 2076 are people here who are not creeped out by too perfect -Buy Neverland and make it the New Mason Gross School look? Sorry people, there is one and only one lady -Build a monorail (like in that Simpsons’ episode) that we can admire from this election. That woman -Secede from the union is Elizabeth Kucinich. Seriously, let’s go down the list -Buy Sierra Leone of reasons why: -Buy a new football team composed entirely of 3rd string -Redhead NFL players (welcome back Ray Rice!) -British accent -Pierced Tongue -Strong believer in Social -Construct a mountain of cocaine with McCormick re-enDemocracy, so much so, acting that scene from Scarface that she married Dennis Ku-Buy every student at Rutgers a personal transvestite hookcinich Granted, she has er been less visible in the political spectrum the last cou- -The dining hall can only serve caviar, nothing else. ple of months, but seriously, she just blows the competi- -To save trees, the computer labs will use gold leaf instead tion away. The fact that we of paper in their printers are talking about the beauty any other woman candidate -Expel all the guidos from New Jersey and put them in a or female spouse of a can- third-world Leper colony didate just makes me sad about people’s short atten- -Write back that prince from Botswana that keeps emailing everyone (so we can make a profit, right guys?!) tion spans. -Ok, we’ll also allow bald eagle omelettes for breakfast only in addition to caviar, but that’s it! -Bring back Rutgers curling team, turn it into national pastime (take that baseball!) -Free abortions for all (come to Brower commons between 2pm and 7pm every Wednesday) -Find the creator of meatspin.com, have him teach a masters seminar -Rutgers TV will from now on feature 2girl1cup on a loop on every channel (except 18 on 18; who doesn’t love that fucking channel?) -Have Canada secretly assassinate Nickelback
ARTS
Wednesday, October 29th, 2008
“You are a knob-gobbling, dick-juggling cum-guzzler”
Really now? Really? Well now people, apparently you decided to get off your asses and send me stuff. That was most appreciated, and for that I thank you. In response to my receipt of the awesome graffiti, I shall start the “Off the Wall Corner” to publish all those WACKY pictures you send me of defaced walls. The name is a clever pun because the graffiti is actually ON the wall! Ha ha I’m so fucking hilarious.
This was a good start, but I still had to write this shitty editorial to fill space. I won’t be happy until I have to start throwing out submissions because I got TOO MANY. Until that time comes, I shall add my own bullshit here. No comic today, and no anime either, I’m writing a review of Saw V (spoilers: it’s bad). As always, my readers, I hope life finds you well. Cal En Managing Editor
THE MEDIUM
Saw V Was Tortuous When my roommate and I found out they were going to play all four Saw movies on Thursday, and then play the fifth one at midnight for a Saw movie marathon, we were pretty excited. When we found out that it would only cost fifteen bucks, this excitement increased greatly. You see, he’s a pretty big fan of the franchise, and I was just excited over watching five movies in a theater for three bucks a pop. Also, I’ve never seen any of the movies past the first one, and while I heard the other ones were pretty bad, I decided to find out what all the hubbub was about. After sitting through roughly ten hours of the Saw movies, I can say this with some manner of authority: Meh. The series, as a whole, is pretty meh. It’s not glaringly awful, like Naruto or Greg’s Anatomy, but it’s not great either.
Also, it seems like the series would have been even MORE convoluted (I know, right?) if I took a year break between watching each installation, as the release dates would imply. The title of this article is a play on the fact that the Saw series is about a series of torture devices with a razor-thin plot to tie it all together. The movies are pretty bad, but I wouldn’t say they’re tortuous. My biggest problem with Saw V was that it turned from a movie about people solving their problem of being trapped in a death machine to a mystery/cops and robbers flick. Sure, they tacked on a bit about surviving a murderous game, but it was and definitely felt added and rushed. The main plot consisted of the new Jigsaw trying to outwit the FBI dude that found him out through really, really strained logic. In the end Jigsaw wins and the good guys lose and it’s really
stupid. You know that music they play where they explain the TWEEST at the end of every film? If that hadn’t been playing, I would have thought it was a simple recap for this movie. The ending wasn’t surprising or disturbing or anything at all this time around. It was expected and obvious. A sad cop-out. Anyway, the sub plot about the group of people mysteriously related trying to survive was a lot more interesting, and was sadly brushed over. It featured motherfucking Carlo Rota (GOOGLE HIM) and they still managed to fuck it up. Come on. Anyway, come to Saw V expecting more of the same pointless violence and stupid characters trying to work their way through increasingly complicated yet still stupid traps. At this point this movie’s become less horror/thriller and more a grown-up version of Home Alone.
OFF THE WALL CORNER
HAHA, HE’S WRITING WHAT HE DID! GET IT?
THE MEDIUM The dyke in Yorkshire is mean and fuzzy, however, without God, she needs cock on a s t i c k To my chem lab TA, Can you please learn how to speak fucking American! This is America! I don’t understand your UBA DUBA DIRKA DIRK language. Thanks to you I am failing the goddamn class. And don’t look at me confused when I ask you three times to explain yourself. That’s right buddy....I DON”T KNOW WHAT YOUR SAYING! To the guido guy in Frelinghuysen with the fohawk who shockered the fuck out of my twat and asshole -- I still can’t sit To the sexy blonde guy in my Development of Europe class, I’m pretty sure I failed the midterm because you were sitting two seats away from me. You’re probably too old to be in an intro class but it’s okay because you’re absolutely beautiful. I would do very, very bad things to you To my professor, You are truly bat shit crazy. The only way I stand a chance of getting a passing grade in your class is if I magically grow a penis overnight. I find it completely ironic that you would fail my paper when you can’t even pick out who I am in class. Thanks for knowing my name, bitch. You would serve more purpose as a speed bump on College Ave than you do as a professor here at Rutgers to the drunk/drugged up/ non-responsive broad in the blue VW beetle, thank you for allowing your car to use my SUV’s bumper as a parking brake. when you get that fucked up, don’t drive. unless you want to drive anywhere that isn’t in front of my fuckin house. i hope you made it home safe, even though you probably didn’t, after we had to wake your ass up, (There was more herebut this personal was poisoning my mind)
PERSONALS Fuck last night’s Mythbusters. Gave me a boner so hard I swear to SHIT it would cut glass. Then I look over at my ho and she’s all hot and bothered, feeling up her tits, so I throw her over the back of the couch and fuck till she’s squealing out the name of the Mythbuster’s dude like a piggie.
“boo” Greek Mythology gives me the munchies (::)
(whoa, what in the name of skankypreteens is that stuck at the end there? Button, cookie, apple core? I was so gonna make an awesome comment but your emoticon totally disrupted my train of thought. take your (::) and go play in traffic. Just To the girl on the packed LX not on george st. because bus on Monday: I was try- it moves too slow for ing to scratch my own ass, anything to happen) thank you very much, and to the girl freshman incidentally scratched year (fall 05), in my yours. I wasn’t being fresh, Katzembach dorm lobalthough if your ass is by area who slipped on squeezed up against mine next her ass when it was CLEARweek it may happen again LY posted that the floor was To the skateboarder who tripped outside Scott Hall: Yes, we were laughing at YOU, you clumsy fuck. To the girls who attempted to verbally solve a Sudoko puzzle on the bus: Two wrongs do not make a right. Similarly, two idiots can not solve a Sudoko puzzle, but they can make fools of themselves like none other To my roommate, I hate you so fucking much. You smell, your gerbil is eating my hamster, and the refrigerator is not where I want to see your huge pile of medicines from your lack of protection with previous partners. AND QUIT EATING MY EGGS! Where have all the cowboys gone, you ask, Paula Cole? I KNOW! They’ve all been in my PANTS!! M w a m w a m w a (Where have all the brain cells gone...?) Health services told me as long as the mucus I blow out of my nose is for the most part clear, I’m okay, so they didn’t treat me. Yellow’s what I’m supposed to be wary of, they said. But now that I’m blowing out chunks if gray brainbits I’m not so sure. (well, seeing as you also sent in the personal above this one, from the way it sounds you don’t use your brain anyway...) To the Asians with the ear buds who fixed the computer to get the lecture slides back on. Thx. Sucks that the prof. turned them off though. >.<
Night of the unliving dead, 2008
I’ve just been on the phone for 90 minutes and now I think my brain is radioactive! I can pick up other people’s cell phone conversations, but it sucks: apparently no one has anything to talk about but Facebook A piece of plaster fell on me in the lecture hall today. I feel as safe as a deep sea fisherman
Why is it that people are always choking on hotdogs more than any other food? What is is about those hot dogs getting caught in people’s throats, oh personals editor of infinite wisdom? (Must. suppress. urge. to comment. Must. suppress. urge. to comment...) My mom is ashamed of me
wet and the caution sign was definitely visible even to a blind man. yes my best friend and i saw you, yes we laughed at you, and yes we still talk about how funny that moment was/.. thank you No need to be creeped out now... for the memory :) the Grudge isn’t peering at you. (you sadistic psychopath! What makes you think that Hello there new personals Time stops at the dining your hate is welcome here?!) editor. I don’t normally re- hall. Putting shit on your To the girl that was sit- veal this about myself, but nachos should not take ting behind me, chew- there’s something about a ten minutes per person, ing her gum with her New Personals Editor that but NOOO, you all have mouth open for the sets my heart on fire. Just the to individualize EVERY full hour and a half of my thought of picking up the single nacho and make elem. algebra class.? I loath medium sends a jolt of long- sure that the guacamole on you.? The only thing worse ing straight to my loins. As I each one is topped with a than listening to our pro- turn each page my antici- cute swirl! WHAT THE fessor’s terrible lectures on pation grows stronger until HECK IS WRONG WITH 8th grade math is listening *BLISS!* I finally reach the YOU ALL YOU ARE to them with the sounds personals section. Mm- ALL SO SLOOOOW! of your fucking mouth mmmmm, the most de- (You know, there’s somechewing and chew- licious times of my thing you can do about ing in the background, life. That’s a good boy that. It’s called Ritalin) you inconsiderate bitch (I think I’m in fuckin love. To the two short people my cock is exactly 6.5 inch- no..wait...that’s just gas) standing behind me in es long... and i am not add- I would really appreci- line at Tillet: I apologize ing .5 inches or anything. i ate it if you all unload- for repeatedly slamming have yet to measure the ed in the crapper before you in the face with my girth. i am pretty proud coming to the Rec center. backpack every time I of it. when i measure the When I am on a treadmil moved rotated my torso. circumference, ill send that sucking in an increased Although you did make a in too. i think the thickness quantity of air, I do funny squeak every time I of it is more impressive not want to be inhaling did it and I was encourthan the length though... just your butt bombs. You aged to do it more. and thought i would share =) exercise addicts are appar- then some more after that (I have very specific anatom- ently bursting with methane Your genitals may inyour job ic needs and the specs just My head is on fire! fluence don’t match up . de-NIED) (are you the clown from Thanks to the influx of Hey chick on the EE, feel- Twisted Metal? Or did submissions this week our ing a bit drafty down un- you just think too hard mailbox reached critical der? Could it be because when writing this personal?) ass! Keep ‘em comming at your pants are three quarTo anyone’s who won- personals@themedium. ters of the way down dering about the random net. I ask that you don’t your ass?? We just might “fire drill” in the res. hall include the actual names get a full moon toit would be my next door of the poor blokes you night people! neighbor, who fucks so be hatin on. There are I play on electric fenc- enthusiastically that the enough people out there es to tittilate my tits! bed was set on fire! after my ass as it is
2008 29, October Wednesday,
PERSONALS
“Imagine having a penis-shaped birthmark on your face. That would totally suck.”
To my sister with the supersonic hearing: Hear this, “You are a fucking asshole and mom told me one day when she was drunk that you were an accident”.
To my teacher who was unable to come to class on Tuesday due to illness. I’m really sorry you got sick and hope it isn’t permanent. Get well soon.
(You know what would be cool.... a talking newspaper.)
To my girlfriend, the one that made a pretzel. I want to get back together and make cheese filled pretzels with little sprinkles of salt on you and I want to fill my plate with your yummy goodness while I ram my rolling pin through your dough holes.
To that sick bitch with the cat that you trained to lick your pussy. What the fuck is wrong with you? A pussy licking a pussy is NOT IN ANY WAY HILARIOUS! (You say no, I say hysterical.) To my boyfriend: I have enough of your lack of commitment and tendencies towards porn. I no longer feel that we can make things work and I want my vibrator back. To that produce guy at ShopRite yesterday who tried to sell me those nasty tangerines instead of my tasty ones because you were too lazy to get a bar code for the tangerines that I wanted, did you really think I was gonna shovel the shit that you suggested into my cart? To the person that wrote “Check Schezhwan” on my flyer for my lost kitten, have you no heart. That kitty is diabetic and needs insulin. Hey fat bitch in US con law, no one cares about how sad your life is. Your little friend is just smiling and nodding because she�s thinking about how you�ll eventually have to leave her alone. BTW I have no idea how you can be in gymnastics, you look like a bloated walrus. When you moved to go to your seat, I felt you knock earth out of its orbit. Seriously, have a slimfast, go for a jog, and drop a few, seriously. (That reminds me of the time my friends and I bought a stick of deodorant for the smelly girl. That bitch sold it.) To my girlfriend: You know when I told you I ran out of lube but I was gonna be right back with the new spray on lube. I lied. I just sprayed some Pam while you weren’t looking. That’s what smelled like bacon, although I’m ( J e you f f found it erotic. glad A. is a
To that guy with the lime green sweatshirt: you look gay as hell. To the Arcade Advisory Resident Faculty: Why the hell are there no Pac-Man machines in the Arcade Room???
To the blond haired girl reading Anil’s Ghost on the EE Bus at 12:30 on Wednesday, November 7th. PUT YOUR FUCKING FEET ON THE FUCKING FLOOR. On an empty bus, feel free to lounge across and take up as many fucking seats as you want. But on an ass-packed bus, ONE FUCKING SEAT PER PERSON. The bus driver is about to start shutting the doors in people’s faces and you have to lay across the seats. No wonder no one moved for you when you wanted to get off at Scott. Bitch. (Thank you for your submission. I love it. Send me more.)
To the miscellaneous mystery man at my friends What the fuck is up with birthday kappa alpha bash. people taking quotes from I don’t want those pictures movies and comdians and published. They were purely sending them into the per- artistic and were not meant sonals? In last weeks Me- for monetary compensation. dium I saw a quote from (Another disney star in “Saving Silverman”, a the making. Leze sigh.) quote from “The Departed”, and a reference to a Dane Why does the EE have Cook joke. Seriously it’s to take the most slow, innot funny, it was fun- efficient, annoying and ny in the movie when I tedious route to get to saw it, not when i read it D/C? Because the ramp typed on a piece of pa- to get off rt. 18 is under per after I’ve already construction, and if the seen the movie, twice. bus uses the comm.. ave Come up with something exit, it won�t go by WHAT THE original and creative, and rockoff. FUCK!!! You�re telling stop being lazy assholes. me that I have to (Shit happens. Fuck with it.) wake up an hour To the Indians across the earlier to get to my class street from me in Edison: I on douglass because never met anyone as fuck- the fucking bus takes ing cheap as you. Get a real forever to get through new damn contractor so I Brunswick, instead of using don’t have to stare at the commercial ave exit. the eyesore of your Tiny thing that annoys ‘house’ for all of eternity. me: professors who walk (Thanks for being soo spe- up and down the aisles cific in your personal... in lecture halls. It’s For future submissions just a little annoying make sure you don’t men- since I sit in the front tion every single fucking specifically so I can hear Indian resident of Edison.) you clearly, and then you talk from the back of To Angeline Jolie: Looks the class. It sucks like babyborn #2 is on the to give meanway or you’re just getting (It’s ing to their lives and to to an old fat bitch. Either way, good luck with the fuck with your mind.) pouch and nice job ripping those leather pants down the middle. Fat ass. (Odds are that you were on your computer to find that out and you are equal to or greater than her fatness.)
THE MEDIUM
Raffaiella Mae was eaten by a bear with sharks for arms... :( Dear DG. Thank you for letting me fuck you for all those months and especially for the 4 times on my bday.. and mostly for the months that you had a brown boyfriend. It was such a pleasure running out your back door while he came in through the front 2 nights in a row. Thanks for letting me use the pink dildo on you that time, and for taking that drunk shower with me, and not getting mad when my parents walked in on us like the 3rd time we fucked, but no thanks for smoking all my weed after me and my parents left to go to breakfast. Also, thanks for sucking my dick and taking a load in the mouth while wearing my 311 shirt because your pussy dried up while I fucked you doggy style and then thanks for going and kissing your boyfriend a few hours after that. Oh, and thanks for taking the doggystyle position right off the bat when we would fuck and giving me that (I want you to do me this way grin.) Thanks for telling me I was the only one to ever make you cum from oral sex. And thanks for having the nicest orgasm ever, body shaking and pussy contracting while gaining superhuman strength to hold me back for a few blissful seconds. You’re awesome. Too bad I wasn’t good enough for you. Bitch. (Tis the thankful
season at
Why you should be in class right now: 1. Free food giveaways to early bird specials. 2. Extra credit bonus points to those who bring in baked goods. 3. Girls who love to take off their tops in the middle of lecture and give out leprachaun blow jobs. 4. Lap dances to students who participate and offer answers to problems. 5. Attendance counts as completed homework. 6. The aisles are patterned with gold and video games. 7. It is a place where porn is abundant and wedged underneath every available seat. I’m just kidding, except for number seven though. Obey number seven. (I find that this resembles an opinion and will send you to that page next week.) Hey doug bratton (or whoever the cartoonist is for poop culture shart therapy. I got tons of ideas for your crappy comic strip. 1. Rugrats: all growed up. (tommy is seen buying a dime bag) 2. 72. it’s 24, except it focuses on three days instead of one. Sutherland is seen there yawning. ZOMG LOLZ >.< 3. Santa never knew the real reason rudolph’s nose was red (Rudolph is seen doing a line of coke)
to be least.)
The possibilities are endless, just think of someTo that girl with the blond thing in pop culture, and hair and fucking ugg boots. apply something irreverI found it amusing when ent or terrible to it. Gee, you told your wing-skank what a tough job, you that your didn’t know why must be a fucking genius. your boyfriend was up- To that girl who I never set at you for being such a see anymore. Why are you slut. I enjoyed seeing your still my friend on Facelittle eyes squint as you book? I’m defriending you tried to think of a reason. right now. I don’t appreciate stalkers so I’ve taken (Maybe he was mad at the the liberty of getting a resheep your boots killed.) straining order against you.
Send me personals. Submit it in before 6pm on Sunday and it will appear in the next issue Email your submissions to personals@themedium.net
WHAT’S SHAKIN’?
THE MEDIUM
Wednesday, October 29th, 2008
“Tunak, Tunak, Tun.”
Here
On This Day In History
October 30th - U. to start enforcing mandate that all “sea donkeys” must lose at least fifteen pounds in an effort to unclog the A buses
300,000 B.C.E. - God hurriedly throws together the platypus as the book of Genesis was three days late to the publisher
October 30th - Obama Rally at Brower @ 4:15; your participation could be the difference between a fifteen point Obama win and a twenty point one in New Jersey.
210 B.C.E - Gladiators successfully unionize and lobby for fair employment practices and safe working conditions
November 4th - Morning services to worship Teel the Immaculate at Rutgers football stadium
Away
October 31st - Pedophiles celebrate National Child Delivery Day November 2nd - East Timor, inspired by the presidential race, will launch a “We Still Exist” fund raising campaign in North America November 3rd - McCain Campaign to host a pasty party in preparation for the big day
1384 - Villager absolutely positive today is Thursday and falsely informs the town crier 1508 - Pope John XXI gets cited for name plagiarism 1763 - Confucius invents the Texan accent in a drunken frenzy 1972- Chief Redneck Bill Jenkins speaks at UN Geneva convention on ethnic cleansing 1984 - Surprising absence of dystopian drivel 2899 - Phillies win third World Series title
YouTube Video of the Week Behold, the Tiddy Bear! A revolution, a watershed in seatbelt history! Fear the belt no more, as the Tiddy Bear is here to save your titties with a teddy! Portmanteaus galore!
...Hey you! Consumer whore! Buy this!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gw1g2yKxb0I
YouTube Second Video of the Week
” e i gg
u n “S
Hey! Do you find your blanket keeps slipping while you’re dipping? Do you try to reach for shit, but your hands are always trapped in it? Are your feet always cold? Are you a lonely retard with no friends? Chronically depressed? Got athletes foot and back pain? Would you want your life to be more streamlined? Recent accident? Need a lawyer? Then buy the Snuggie! Snuggie is only $14.95, as opposed to similar products [like robes], which can cost as much as $60 [because robes honestly pwn]. “It’s perfect for those drafty dorm rooms!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xZp-GLMMJ0