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october 11th, 2017
Volume LIV Issue V 50¢ THAT IS A RAINBOW FLAG IN THE PICTURE
Freshman women’s studies major finds out he’s lesbian SUE DENIM gal that fucks
NEW BRUNSWICK— After just three weeks into fall classes, Hayden Weiner came to the shocking realization that he is, in fact, be a lesbian. College is a time for discovery: Discovering who your friends are, what your interests are, and what you want to do with your life. For Mr. Weiner, it was discovering that he was actually a lesbian. “I think I finally caught on to something during my second Gender, Culture, and Representation lecture. The professor was reading a story about a person who was attracted to females and I thought, ‘Hey that sounds a lot like me!’ Then she revealed that this person was a woman and I thought, ‘Oh my god. I’m a lesbian?!’” said Mr. Weiner.
Shocker Artist rendition of the exact moment poor Hayden realized he was one of them gay chicks
The Rutgers LGBTQA+ community has reached out to Hayden and assured him that he was not the only freshman to undergo this life altering discovery, and that he will be
accepted with open arms. “It’s so strange. My whole life I’ve been attracted to girls and just assumed that meant I was Continued on Page 2
MY NECK, MY BACK...
Rutgers bans sandalsIndian professors go on strike
Trill O’Reilly Raps about tides
NEW BRUNSWICK— In a new unexpected move, Rutgers has
banned the wearing of sandals on campus property. This ban is set to take effect immediately and will affect all students and staff on campus. As the ban left many students confused and looking
for answers, President Barchi released an email explaining the university’s decision. “Lately, there have been a bunch of creepy weirdos with foot fetishes stalking other students all around campus. They prey on students’ feet and those who leave even the tiniest bit of their feet exposed are vulnerable. As a result of our campus being taken over by these foot fetishists, we feel as if completely banning sandals will help get these guys out.” Even though the stalkers were targeting exposed feet, the sandals ban affects the sandals with socks combo as well. Not because of safety reasons, but because sandals with socks
DEPRESSED Since 1970
Continued on Page 2
QUICKIES
Krispy Pizza Crispy Because of Hair Gel Trump Angrier at Natural Disasters than ManMade Ones Medical Clogs Make a Comeback Student Eating Alone Surprisingly Doesn't Want Your Pity Company Greek Life Sued by Vineyard Vines KEEEEEVVVIIIIIIIIN!!!!!
the Medium
News
Wednesday, October 11th, 2017
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"I think I'm in love, pray for me guys"
i'm gonna rent a pet cow
New Easton Ave Business Lets Rutgers Students Rent a Pet for a Semester Caillou LIKES KIDS
NEW BRUNSWICK— Last Thursday a new business opened on Easton Ave named Rent-a-Pet. Their primary business model is to create an establishment that allows impulsive college students to rent a dog or cat for a semester and not have to feel guilty about abandoning their pets when the year is over. The business was started by Rutgers Business School alumni Ben Schaffold, who was tired of seeing the despair caused by the abandoning of these innocent creatures. “Every time I see an abandoned pup or cat off College Ave my heart just fills with sadness. It’s
MY SANDALS
RUTGERS BAN
...continued from front
look really fucking stupid and outdated. Reactions to the ban have been met with a mix of both protest and indifference. The Rutgers Foot Fetish Club took to the streets and chanted in protest, “If we have the right to suck dick, we should have the right to suck feet”. Most other students little interest as the weather was getting too cold to be wearing sandals this time of the year. Out of all the people at the university, the ban has hit the Indian professors the hardest. Ever since the ban took effect, all of the university’s Indian professors have been on strike, absolutely refusing to go to work until the ban is lifted. Many of these professors claim that being able to wear sandals everywhere is one of their basic human rights. “I don’t care if my own personal
Editorial Staff Spring 2017
So far, the business has been a tremendous success, as the business has already rented out its entire stock of pets, as well as has a back-order for 68 more animals. “I’m so glad I’m gonna get to spend my senior year with Snowball,” said Alexandra Antwani, who named the rented cat after her favorite Hostess snack item. “Cats are great for a school year, and not a day longer. This business is a real game changer!” Our lead scientists have gotten great results back from the pets, showing happiness levels matching those of Golden Retriever puppies at suppertime. AWWW The business has been considering Rutgers student spending quality time with her new pet cow expanding their supply to include so difficult for a college student pets feel guilty for two to three birds, reptiles, fish, and farm to just bail on these animals. weeks, and that’s something no animals for those on Cook/ Our studies have shown that student should ever have to go Douglass. students who abandon their through,” said Schaffold. safety is at risk when I wear sandals, it’s the only type of footwear that I have!”, says Kalpenn Dikshit, a professor in the CS department. “Having someone stalk me for my feet is something I always looked forward too, now Rutgers has to ruin my lifelong dream!”, says Anulrag Mehboob, a Math professor and head of Rutgers South Asian BDSM Club. Meanwhile, as the strike continues on from one side, thousands of students were celebrating on the other. It was thought that these students were celebrating their cancelled classes from having their professors not show up. But in reality, these students were actually celebrating not having to hear their professors’ thick undecipherable accents because celebrating their absence from the classroom would be very offensive. Whether or not these Indian professors will go back to work remains to be seen. But one thing that can be seen clear as day right now is that there a motherfucking footwash and nail clipping station set up right next to the strike area and every professor on strike is refusing to go to
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Andrew Blustein Jake Goldstein Alex Hawley
Fratypus
AGAIN, IT IS MEANT TO BE COLORFUL lesbian
heterosexual. I never even considered that this whole time I liked girls because I was lesbian” said Mr. Weiner. Professor Aubrey Hope -=Fleming, the professor of that fateful lecture, has approached the Medium, explaining what she thinks the situation is. "It is very common for students to come to this discovery about themselves in my classroom. I really try to get the students to rethink their view of sexuality. When I show a picture of a busty young broad on the projector to the enjoyment of many of the men in the audience, I want those men to be baffled when they find
News Editors Michael Okolo Jordan Plaut Opinions Editor Marissa Schwartz Arts Editor Gavin Briggs-Perez Personals Editor Kevin McClintock A7 Editor Shaina Joseph Features Editor Rob Sanchez
...continued from front
out that maybe they are actually women attracted to that young lady," said Hope-Fleming. The Women and Gender studies department has many resources and scientific papers that link college age men with late onset homosexuality. "This is life changing for me. How will I ever be allowed in straight bars? Or take that dream vacation to Saudi Arabia?" said Weiner. After some thought, Mr. Weiner has decided to embrace the change, and has since cut his hair six inches and has started wearing tucked in button down shirts, chinos, and loafers everywhere.
Sports Editor Dan Cretella Copy Editor Scott Hoberman Marissa Schwartz Secretary Jake Goldstein Webmaster Landen Naphtali Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Baby Jack
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. This article is dedicated to Modern Day Woodstock, the best radio show on campus.
Wednesday, October 11th, 2017 themedium.features@gmail.com
Features
“How many priests does it take to sodomize a child?”
my strange addiction
the Medium
BASEBALL
Top 32 MLB Teams in Alphabetical Order Straight From Memory 1. Arizona Diamondbacks 2. Atlanta Braves 3. Boston Red Sox 4. Baltimore Orioles 5. Cinicinnati Reds 6. Colorado Rockies 7. Detroit Tigers 8. ahh shit forgot both Chicago teams... Chicago Cubs 9. Chicago White Sox 10. Cleveland Indians (there are much more teams that start with ‘C’ than I thought, clearly) 11. Green Bay Packers 12. Houston Astros 13. Indiana Pacers 14. Montreal Expos 15. Miami Marlins 16. New York Mets 17. New York Mets (fuck you Yankees) 18. Pittsburgh Pirates 19. Seattle Mariners 20. Toronto Blue Jays 21. Washington Nationals 22. Minnesota Twins (you forgot about them too) 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32.
HOT DOGS VS. HAMBURGERS
HOT DOGS
“BABYSITTING” holy shit i can’t believe that just happened Okay so here I was, creating original and hilarious content for my fans and messing around with a stapler that I found in this fucking closet of a room they call our headquarters, you know when you make the stapler into a gun and start shooting at people because that’s incredibly funny and everybody wants you to, when I felt this sharp and sudden pain in my index finger. I fucking shot myself in the hand with a staple gun. I feel like Will Ferrell in Old School when he shot himself in the neck with a fucking tranquilizer gun. Remember? “You just took one to the jugular man! You better pull that out, that shit is not cool!” “Pull what out?” “Fuckin’ dart, man. You got a fuckin’ dart in your neck!” “You’re crazy, man! I like you, but you’re crazy!” Okay it wasn’t that bad but wow, did it hurt. Now I’m gonna be traumatized by staplers. Never to staple another paper ever again.
LAST 10 SECONDS CANCEROUS THING OF TOOTHPASTE CONDOMENTS (LOL) OVERPOWER THE DAMN THING SO BLAH, LIKE THE SIXTIES BOILED LOOKS LIKE A DICK - FRIENDS WILL MAKE FUN OF YOU FOR SUCKING IT YOU FREAK PLASTIC
OR
HAMBURGERS CAN LAST AT LEAST A MINUTE THIRTY A REAL SANDWICH LETTUCE SO LIKE HEALTH CHEESE RARE, MEDIUM-RARE, MEDIUM, MEDIUM-WELL, WELL DONE... THE POSSIBILITIES ARE FUCKING ENDLESS (ALTHOUGH IF YOU EAT THEM ANY WAY OTHER THAN MEDIUM WELL THAN YOU ARE A CAVEMAN, GO BACK TO YOUR CAVE, MAN)
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Opinions
Wednesday, October 11th, 2017
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“The weeks are long but the dicks are short”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What’s your favorite fall transition piece? “Shirts that make you look naked but are actually just yellow.” Kylie Jenner Trendsetter.
“My personal Seasonal Affective Disorder UV travel lamp. ” Mike Brown Has a hard time with seasons. “I like to have my head held high, and a big ol’ smile from ear to ear!” Drake Burns Likes to scooter.
pda smh
THERE IS JUST TOO MUCH PDA
BY KNIFTY KNITTER One can hardly walk down the street nowadays without witnessing a naive teenager cuddling with her boyfriend or a starry-eyed young adult holding hands walking in step with down the street with his lover. And why should the rest of us have to put up with this? Such brazen displays of affection like pecking cheeks or running across the street holding hands are jarring and even disturbing. Such fleeting physical acts like hugging, kissing and hand holding have no place in a modern society. We are humans, the most advanced species around and we’re still practicing primitive mating rituals like we’re living in caves and the only way to guarantee safety is to catch a partner with our seductive pheromones and set off chemical reactions in them to make them feel loved and stay with us forever. Wake up people!!! What value is in a hug besides the rush warmth and a brief sensation of human connection? Studies show a warm shower can give the same effect. With so many instances of physical violence going on in the world currently, we need to take a step back and remember what’s important. Hugging doesn’t stop terrorism. Kissing doesn’t stop nuclear wars. Practical action does. Next time your partner leans in for a kiss while you’re standing on the sidewalk waiting for your table at Applebee’s, I urge you not to kiss them, but to whisper into their ear “Kissing doesn’t stop terrorism.”
rx for life
IT’S TIME TO CONTROL BIRTH CONTROL
BY DICK HAYES, LIFETIME NRA MEMBER As a proud American citizen and Christian, I am happy that birth control is finally being recognized as the weapon it truly is. What other man-made invention can take out as many lives in one swift act? It’s time birth control was taken out of the hands of women for the safety of themselves and the future lives they’re preventing. Someone must stop these coldhearted killers from taking anymore defenseless lives. Do they not care that they are responsible for eliminating millions of innocents, denied the chance to enter God’s glorious creation with its mountains and valleys and civil liberties? It’s time for the government to take responsibility for the lives of its citizens. If Trump and Attorney General Sessions don’t take action, the leftist lobbies and demon forces like Planned Parenthood who only care about selling chopped up babies for profit will continue with their destruction. Furthermore, why do ladies need a whole 3 month supply of pills at a time? That’s 90 pills arranged in neat little rows in a cute little pouch concealed in a woman’s purse. Women treat it almost it like a fashion accessory, when it’s really an accessory to murder. This undercover militia in their stiletto heels, low-cut blouses and brazen sexuality is the true threat to our citizens, born and unborn.
ruff life
JUST BECAUSE I’M A GERMAN GUY WHO HERDS SHEEP DOES NOT MEAN I’M A DOG BY SEBASTIAN JüRGEN SCHNEIDER
Every day, from the moment I was born, no one would ever treat me like a living, breathing human being. Coming from a country farm in Bavaria, I learned to herd sheep. My dad ditched our family and moved to New Zealand. He said “the sheep in Deutschland don’t know how to love like the ones in New Zealand do.” From then on, my life’s purpose was to be a shepherd. In international circles, I am known as a German shepherd. Whenever I tell people that I’m German and a shepherd, they bring out toys and keep asking me to do tricks. Roll over! Sit! Stand! Everywhere I go people keep trying to pet me. I hate this because I’m a germapho-, I mean a Germanphobe. I don’t specifically hate Germans, I can’t hate myself can I, but I hate getting near them or even breathing the air next to them. They smell like badly cooked hamburgers and Oktoberfest puke. Once when one of my sheep got angry and rammed into me, I passed out in the middle of the road. Instead of taking me to a normal hospital, the people who found me took me to the vet. The vet was shocked when he saw me and submitted me as “The World’s Biggest Dog” to the Guinness Book of World Records. I’m sick and tired of being treated like a dog. I don’t even like dogs. They are just dumb canines who humans should have never domesticated in the first place. Many times in my life was considering a change of career. I came close once, literally, when I tried out for a gay porn studio in Berlin. But I decided to drop when the only stage name the producers suggested for me was “Bratty Bratwurst.” I hope and pray one day people will accept me for who I really am, a member of the Homo Sapien species. Not a man-made creature that is essentially the equivalent of a devolved wolf with Down’s syndrome.
Wednesday, October 11th, 2017
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“Love yourself” by Jeff
Arts
“The features Editor accidentally stapled his finger making this edition”
the Medium
“Magic school bus” by everyone at rutgers
Join the medium! FOLLOW US ON INSTA @themediumru meetings MoNdays and wednesdays at 8pm in the college ave student center room 439. send in art! don’t ask questions Have you read this add before? why dont you just come then? why hesitate? “regular dorms vs honors” by regular student “wide reciever dick of the week
Personals
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Wednesday, October 11th, 2017
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“Running on two hours of sleep”
God Damn It
Gut Wrenching
Dejapoo
Fuck! (Seriously like, fuck! Like, the fuck you know? Ugh, fuck...) Who can replace Columbus as Indian-Americans’ famous historical figure? (Since us white people decide this kind of stuff, we will probably just go the Hollywood route and give them some Mexican guy.) I’m illiterate, how do I do the assigned reading? (Same way the rest of us do it, not at all. Also how did you write this and how are you reading this?) I’m caught in the middle of a feud between two professors. Please help, my graduation depends on it. (Alright, remember Romeo and Juliet? All you need to do is kill yourself and your underage secret bride and the rest should work out.)
Sometimes I have nightmares about being stabbed in the stomach and all of its contents spilling out so everyone can see what I just ate. (I have been having similar nightmares, except instead of stabbing its my father saying he is disappointed in me and instead of a dream, it’s real life.) What third-world country will taking pictures of myself “volunteering” earn me the most Tinder poon? (Forget the third world, Puerto Rico is where it is at right now. Why do you think Trump bothered going to that hell-hole?) Just ditched two classes to see John and Hank Green in a small setting and it was ok becuase I’m not 14 anymore. (Well ok Mr. Badass.)
How would you know if you flushed the toilet? Because you never remember if you flush the toilet, you always assume you do, and then someone’s like “who didn’t flush the toilet?” and theres no way it could be you because you always flush the toilet, but how would you know? People who don’t flush the toilet don’t know they don’t flush (So first off, way too long a story. Second, people who don’t flush are totally aware of their non-flushing lifestyle. They just have no empathy for the human condition. Its like the guy who double parks in a lot, they know they’re scum.)
JAMIE HAS A QUESTION TO ASK YOU, AND SO DO I
Chunky Bus
Dude I’m on the bus and I’m about to throw up. What do I do? Hurry! (Just blow chunks on the bus, trust me no one will notice.) My professor just called on me and I have not been paying attention for the past ten minutes. (Just read what’s on the board. Professors just want you to admire their writing.) SO down to go apple picking! (Just make sure you go to one that lets you keep the apples. I’m not gonna be free labor for those lazy fucks.) I think my dog is illiterate. (Look I’ve been there. My boy Charlie couldn’t even understand street signs until he was two years old. Just keep at it and practice with them everyday and before you know it your dog will be reading Tolkien and doing your taxes.)
Throw Like a Girl
Join us at our pitch meetings. Wednesday @ 7:45pm College Ave Student Center 411B
Women keep throwing things at me trying to cause me physical harm. (Hmm, are you sure they are trying to just hurt you? Maybe you are the type who looks like he really needs heavy objects. I think they are all just trying to be nice to you, accept their high velocity gifts.)
QOTD
“I can say whatever I want because no one will read this. Old Taint Cheese”
- Queen Elizabeth
Rain of Fire
Runnin Out
I hate when it’s raining, but also hot out. (The worst is when your room only has one window, facing away from the wind. Literally 90 degrees.)
With all of the famous men getting called out for their years of sexual harassment, when are we going to get the strength to go after Oprah?
I don’t like pants, my boys need to be flying free! (I totally get it man, pants are like society saying we need to restrict who we are behind consumer goods. Though skirts are comfy.) My Four Loko can just gave birth to a litter of Two Loko cans. (I’m not majoring in Biology, but thats not how that works.) Rick and Morty fans are a literal cancer.
(I would not have agreed with you until I was beaten senseless by overweight man-children looking for some dipping sauce.) Is it going to be the end of the world? It’s starting to look like its gonna be the end of the world. (I got a bomb shelter and enough food for three people. So if you wanna bring the plus-one we might be able to ride this out.) How is it possible for someone to be a fan of a comedian, but totally miss the point of their humor. (Don’t look at me, I’ve been trying for years to enlighten people on how Jack Black’s fart jokes are really a jab at the Indian caste system, but so far I got no takers.)
(The Oprah issue is that there are so many people of all genders and races victimized by her lust that it is hard to tell who is and isn’t a victim. Whose to say that there are more victims than non-victims in the world?) If global warming isn’t real than why is it 80 degrees in October? Suck it big coal! (That offended all six coal miners in the world.) Ducky from Land Before Time was murdered. (Yup yup yup! She got Benoited by her father. If you didn’t get that reference, then get dozens of concussions and then read the bible.) I still want to start an A cappella group with my friends but none of them are willing to join in. (Please no, there already is enough pain and suffering in the world for you and a bunch of assholes to try and keep in tune to todays top hits. Honestly this music form is just for people who can’t carry a note to still feel talented in someway.) Why do the make-yourown waffles smell like cum? (Don’t worry, its not the waffle batter. Its the hands of the guy who used it before you. Just keep the waffles away from your crotch.)
Wednesday October 11th, 2017
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Page a7
“Gender Fluid Student Falls Down the Drain”
the Medium
20 Year Old and 13 Year Old on a Train Part 1
20 year old: OMG I’ve been dying to talk to someone cool 13 year old: Well hehe thats me 20 year old: OK so where do I start, in the second world war my grandparents fought in the war against the Americans 13 year old: Wait wait I-I’m confused, YOUR grandparents fought on the nazis side? 20 year old: Yeh so? 13 year old: Well I mean arent the Germans like Baaad 20 year old: Well actually I’m German and I’ve done a lot of good 13 year old: Well, ok, name one good thing you did today 20 year old: Well you suck cause you’re 13 and I don’t so I’m doing you a favor by talking to you 13 year old: Hmmm ok, name something else 20 year old: Well......*thinks long and hard* *The Prime Minister of Germany walks onto the Train* 20 year old: Hi grandma *13 year old jumps* 13 year old: Shut Up your grandma is Angela Merkel!! 20 year old: It’s no big deal *she flicks her hair out of her face, it’s a big deal* Angela Merkle: Hezo em grandzaughtern who iz zisss mann 20 year old: *answers in German* Angela Merkel: Oh, I seez 13 year old: Wait a minute, what were you just saying in that foreign language? 20 year old: Its German Dev, duuuhh, keep up Angela Merkel: So, where are you two headed? 20 year old: I’m headed towards Mt. Carmel Jewish Cemetary in Philadelphia 13 year old: And I’m going to Arlington National Cemetary where my great grandma is buried Angela Merkle: I’m so sorry for your loss 13 year old: It’s ok shes dead now ahahaha *he laughs but he looks sad* 20 year old: It’s ok Dev I also lost my grandma Angela Merkle: Wait Imed ur grandmozers 20 year old: No no my other grandzma, haha I mean grandma Angela Merkle: The nazi? 20 year old: Yeah 13 year old: How did she die? 20 year old: She was eating some really bony chicken, and then unfortunately she stabbed herself in the throat 13 year old: ohmigod Angela Merkle: Shhh zas not a nice thimg to say Dov 13 year old: I’m sorry, sometimes I just dont know what to say when someone dies * looks around nervously* 20 year old: *puts hand on Angela Merkel shoulder* Don’t worry Dev, it’s common to make these types of mistakes when you’re 13 and mixed race 13 year old: You’re right, I guess I shouldn’t feel too bad about myself 20 year old: Hey look! It’s the(to be continued, tune in next week to the Medium on Page A7) Sorority Girl Finally Sells T-Shirt By Heywood Jablomi
Walking down College Avenue, one can see a nigh-endless row of sororities trying to sell tee shirts to passing students. Of course, the general interest fluctuates between “almost 0” and “almost 0”, so for the most part the girls selling the shirts can focus on the important thing in life: procrastination. This month the sororoties charity of choice are focused on breast cancer awareness, unfortunately all of the proceeds just sit in the corner of the frat house until the next frat takes over. However one naive freshman majoring in women’s studies and minoring in HR next bought a t-shirt. This led to a rare perfect storm of a girl paying enough attention to a naive freshman who actually had money for a shirt, and finally managing to sell one. Unfortunately, an error in the shirt’s design actually gives wearers breast cancer, so it’s fortunate that only one shirt was sold.
October 11th, 2017 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com EVEN BIRDS BEAT US
Geese terrorize busch campus and rutgers quarterback
but a resident quarterback decided to take matters into his own hands. At exactly high noon on Saturday morning, the quarterback (who asked to remain nameless to preserve his dignity) ran out of the SERC and onto the field, ready to take out any of the pesky poultry that crossed his path. The geese, of course, had other plans. He first attempted an intimidation tactic of running at them and screaming, but the gregarious geese were ultimately unaffected. He then made an example of one by tackling it, but predictably, this only angered them. The entire colony of geese swarmed " A NEW MEANING TO AIR ATTACK" him, and with no referee to foul Geese descend upon Rutgers' starting quarterback as he attempts to rid the fowls, the quarterback was Busch Campus of the avian infestation. forced to run all the way to Werblin Recreation Center before BY Haywood Jablomi the aggravated gaggle stopped Piscataway, nj— All the and geese are returning to Busch chasing him. signs of autumn are here: campus. Despite the embarrassment of grades are dropping, the scent Most students do their best to waiting on a bus through the of pumpkin spice fills the air, ignore the bothersome birds, driver’s entire fifteen minute
break covered in feathers and goose feces, the quarterback has become somewhat of a campus legend, the very spirit of what the Scarlet Knights do best: getting our asses kicked weekly by outsiders. The quarterback refused to comment, but coach Coach Chris Ash reached out to make a statement. "Honesty it doesn't phase us. It's not the worst loss Rutgers has ever taken and it certainly won't be the last. We're planning on utilizing the new practice facility to perfect our strategy in this scenario." Rutgers takes on the Illinois Fighting Illini this weekend on the road. "We're hoping to capitalize on the sense of degradation from getting bitched by a bunch of birds, and try to take that energy out on a bunch of Middle-American goobers," Ash elaborated. When the team returns home make sure to watch the rematch near the Hill Center bus stop.
Prudential Center Updates Week Five of the NFL: by the numbers Criteria to Eject Fans
BY throb lowe
The Prudential Center, home of the New Jersey Devils, has released a statement for the start of the current season updating their criteria for ejecting stadium goers. 1. Any fan who makes eye contact with an employee of the stadium will be ejected for attempting to escape their social caste as mindless consumers. 2. Any fan who orders a beer expecting to pay anything less than $11 will be smacked into reality and left to suffer, broke and alone, in Newark. 3. Fans who refuse to get in on beating up Flyers fans will themselves be turned on and promptly ejected from the stadium. 4. If an usher catches you using filler words such as “like”, “um”, or “uh”, you will be handed a book on grammar and walked over to Rutgers Newark.
5. Stadium goers who are too big of a pussy to sing the “You Suck” part during the goal song will be removed from the stadium with lethal force. 6. If you drop any food and don’t pick it up and eat it, an usher will be forced to make you watch a documentary about starvation in Africa. They won’t necessarily make you leave, but you’ll feel like such a piece of shit for wasting food you’ll likely leave on your own. 7. A fan with a BAC under 0.09 will be removed immediately. Please note that this rule does apply to children. 8. Fans who refuse to hoot and holler at young, attractive women will be asked to leave the premises immediately. 9. If an individual is caught reading erotica and masturbating in the bathroom they will be ejected, after they finish.
30 and girlfriends
Wives disciplined for "speaking out of turn" by starting running backs.
254
Giants fans who got stomach ulcers from watching the loss to the Chargers and won't go to the doctor about it.
92 Percentage of
white conservatives that are outraged by peaceful protest, but continue to watch the NFL every week.
0 Dads who didn't get too
drunk at the game with their families
2
The average number of boobs on any given Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader.
50
The amount of guys who have had a sexual awakening as a result of a Tom Brady sex dream.
impressed with your work ethic SINCE you're reading this during finals week. appreciate it