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october 12th, 2016
Volume LII Issue V 50¢ POWERDISAPPOINTING
HURRICANE MATTHEW SEES DEBATE, TURNS AROUND BY GRIND ALL NOT YOUR BITCH
EAST COAST—Anticipating on spending its Christopher Columbus day weekend destroying the East Coast, Hurricane Matthew apparently changed its plans on Sunday night. Sources say while it was passing through South Carolina it saw the second Presidental Debate and suddenly turned around. "It was like nothing we had ever seen before," said one weatherman. "All of the sudden the storm seemed to be going in reverse as fast as possible, like it was running away from something". Sources close to Matthew say it has been planning this storm for quite some time. The storm was supposed to be the worst to hit America since Katrina and was supposed to make to whole east coast feel the wrath of a badass hurricane.
Student Hour Late to 1:20 Lecture "DID I REALLY JUST SEE THAT?" Hurricane Matthew says "FUCK THAT" and turns around sparring the east coast from destruction
When Matthew was reached for comment, the storm said, "I was aiming to make it all the way up to New England but while I was in South Carolina I happened to look in on the couple of people who still had power and saw the debate," said the storm. "Oh my god, it was
fucking terrible!" When asked to elaborate it said, "I mean you guys got enough problems I'm just gonna see myself out now" before turning around and heading back towards the Caribbean Islands claiming they could "take it".
Rutgers Chancellor Still Hasn't Met Anyone NEW BRUNSWICK— The chancellor of Rutgers University’s flagship New Brunswick campus, Richard Edwards, has recently sent yet another email asking someone, anyone, to come and meet him. Edwards has apparently been the chancellor at Rutgers for twelve years, although it remains unclear what the chancellor actually does. The barrage of emails from the desperate chancellor is nothing new to upperclassmen at Rutgers. They have been coming, relentlessly, at least once a week for as long as we’ve all been here. First-year Rutgers students are beginning to wonder why they’ve got this
READ OUR PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE BREAKDOWN INSIDE!
Fuck You My Bag Needs A Chair
THEY GOT WHAT THEY DESERVED
BY *COUGH* *COUGH* IM SICK DEAD REPORTER
QUICKIES
email four times already this fall. Recent transfer student Danielle Baker expresses her frustration. “Doesn’t he have friends? Coworkers? Why does he keep bothering all of us to come and meet him? I get so many emails that I have to sift through daily, so it’s super annoying that he keeps sending these.” In a theoretical conversation with the chancellor, The Medium asked why he is just so determined to meet the students of Rutgers. “I’m just so alone,” Edwards mumbled, “I haven’t seen a single person other than President Barchi in twelve years. He gave me this nice office and told me I was kind and handsome. He comes by
every two weeks or so and drops off some Snickers bars and a few strawberry Nesquicks. God damn, I love Nesquick. Still, I’m very lonely in here. I just want somebody to come and see me.” This conversation would probably have given much insight into the lonely life of the chancellor, if only anyone could be bothered to actually go and have a conversation with him. There is some good news for Edwards though, recently President Barchi released a statement that Chancellor Edwards would be stepping down after this year. Presumably, Edwards didn't know that was ever an option, and will be very excited to hear the news.
USING WING DINGS Since 1970
Can Your Boyfriend Wear Boyfriend Jeans? What Does Tiffany Trump Do? Apparently She Made An Album Actually Chance tha Rapper or Black Mario? Athletic Department Takes Inspiration From Douglass for Blackout Game
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NEWS
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"DON'T GET BETTER JAMES"
THIS DID NOT HAPPEN
Trump Tapes Inspire Many BY ELUSIVE TIRED OF YO SHIT
WASHINGTON—The release of Donald Trump’s recordings have continued to cause more backlash for the candidate and the GOP. Perhaps just as important, however, is the rise of sexual assaults that have occurred since the recordings were released. Previously, it had been reported by the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network, also known as RAINN, that an American is sexually assaulted every 109 seconds. Since the release of Trump’s “locker room” tape, that has changed to every 0.5 seconds. Anti-Sexual Assault Organizations have said that they believe this is a direct result of the release of a 2005 recording of Donald Trump. The tape, which includes Trump making vulgar statements about grabbing women “by the pussy,” has reportedly given many American citizens the moral green light to commit or attempt to commit sexual assault. “From what I gathered, I can’t get into any trouble for forcing myself on women, because everyone will just blame Mexicans, and probably ISIS. All this time I thought I needed a woman’s permission, but what I really needed was a pair
Editorial Staff Fall 2016
Wednesday, October 12h 2016
of balls. Donald Trump taught me that, and I am thankful,” said Frederick Barron, a selfproclaimed “proud deplorable.” Despite the overwhelming negative response to Trump’s statements, the GOP still stands by their candidate. Instead, Trump supporters are commending him, stating that the tapes simply further reinforce the notion that Donald Trump “just keeps it real.” “Yes what Trump said was abhorrent, but Hillary has said and done much worse,” said Trump’s running mate, Mike Pence. “I’ve heard stories about Hillary during her college years, one harrowing story involved a drunk girl who asked Hillary for a hair tie. Hillary denied having a spare, despite wearing at least two on her left wrist. Now I ask you, do you want a president who is so clearly against helping women?” House Speaker Paul Ryan also had his own share of opinions regarding Trump’s statements. “His words do not represent the GOP or our beliefs,” said Speaker Ryan. When asked if that meant that he, or the GOP, would rescind their endorsement of Trump, Ryan said, “Well, no... probably not. But we won’t be his cheerleaders either!”
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Andrew Blustein Sifat Mahbub
Andrej Eftimov Fratypus
WELL THIS IS NEW
College Ave Bro "Discovers" Livi Burger Bar BY GRIND ALL RESIDENT COLLEGE AVE BITCH
PISCATAWAY—On Monday, October 10, Rutgers senior Christopher Columbo ventured to Livingston Campus to meet up with a fellow Alpha Delta bro for some basketball at the Livingston gym. He ended up arriving a little bit early and decided to grab some food at the Livingston dining hall. "I had never been there so I figured why not?" said Columbo. Upon walking into the dining hall Christopher got lost looking for the drinks and stumbled upon the burger bar toward the far right of the dining hall. "I was just walkin' and all of the sudden I just bumped into this burger bar!" said Columbo. "And I was like 'Dude what the hell?! Why doesn't anyone know about this?!'" It should be noted that this was said whilst disregarding all the young freshmen who stood around the burger bar patiently waiting for their order to be ready. Columbo immeadiately began to Snapchat all his friends, tweet a picture of the burger bar, and make a short video on Instagram as well showing off the burger bar. Sources say his caption for all three was "Just discovered this sick burger bar bros! How did no one else find this before? lol #explorer". Columbo then began to get the lay of the land. He stood perplexed by the bar before a small freshman stepped up and helped him order off of the touch screen. Christopher was then seen getting his burger and fries and confidentally marching to the table right in front of the bar to eat his food. In the days following witnesses stated that Columbo's
Instagram, Twitter, and snap story all blew up. Most of the comments included fellow Alpha Delta's congratulating Columbo on braving such an unknown terriroty to college students and finding something amazing. Within hours of the social media posts witnesses started noticing more and more College Ave frat bros hanging around the Livingston dining hall, specifically near the burger bar. "All of the sudden there were all these guys with giant water jugs and sleevless shirts" said freshman Lily Parker. Within the next week the right side of the dining hall was completely overtaken by the College Ave bros and they made sure everyone knew it. "I found this place!" said Columbo, when asked why he pushed a freshman out of the way in line for the burger bar. "This is our area! We were here first! Why don't people understand that?" Freshmen, who used to quietly enjoy the burger bar, are now being forced to give up their buger bar and stay near the salad bar. "I tried to go over there the other day and it was chaos" said Parker. "All these guys were just cutting in front of everyone excusing themselves by saying that it was only fair because they were here first". Christopher and his crew are in talks of renaming the burger bar to the Burger Bro Bar in order to clearly represent the hertiage of the bar. The bros are even thinking about presenting a new holiday for the school board to honor Christopher and his amazing, new discovery.
NewsEdtors James Mullen III Aly Grindall Opinions Editor Jake Goldstein Arts Editor Dan Um Personals Editor Connor McCarthy Page A7 Editor Jordan Plaut Features Editor Darcy Ritt
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Michael Okolo Kevin McClintock Jake Goldstein Landen Naphtali William Field Billy Bush
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. This week's issue is dedicated to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper, aka The Dream Team.
Wednesday, October 12th, 2016 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
the Medium
“Who put this joint in my guitar?”
R.I.P.
NICE GOING, KEY FOODS
RUTGERS FOOTBALL OBITUARY BY GRIND ALL The Rutgers football team, the Scarlet Knights, passed away on Saturday, October 8, 2016 at the High Point Solutions Stadiums in Piscataway. After seasons of suffering, the team was quietly laid to rest after the 0-78 defeat on Saturday. They are survived by the dance team, the marching band, and both cheer squads. Rutgers football was born on November 6, 1869. They graduated from the Big East Conference and American Athletic Conference in 2013 and continued their life within the Big 10. Sadly, within months of being inducted into the Big 10, Rutgers was diagnosed with “totally-not-prepared-for-this-oh-shit” disease. The team put up a fight, even seeming promising at one point. But as the 2016 season began, it became clear there was no cure for the illness. Rutgers football died surrounded by friends and family aggressively chanting their favorite statement, “Fuck Penn State.” Funeral services will be held Wednesday October 12, 2016 at 7:45 p.m. in the RSC room 411B. Letters of condolences and flower arrangements can be sent to Chris Ash, your hopes and dreams, and your blackout plans.
SHOULD I SAY HI TO A STRANGER ON THE BUS? Do they have broccoli in their teeth? Do I have something witty to say?
Is the bus on fire and they haven’t noticed?
PAY ME, PLEASE
Is it Tupac next to you?
How to Impress in a Job Interview BY LATIN MAMA So we’re all cramming to nail that dreaded interview…Here a few tips to land you that unpaid internship where you’ll probably be pouring coffee and making tedious copies for hours on end! 1. Bling yourself OUT! I’m talking 2005 Lil’ Jon style, grillz and all. The more gaudy jewelry you wear, the more important you’ll seem, so pile that shit on till you can hardly walk. 2. When shaking your future employers’ hands, stare into their souls. Intimidate the shit out of them. Then they have no choice but to hire you out of fear for losing their lives. 3. Make sure to have a friend purposefully telephone you during the interview. This makes you seem important. Bitch, your time is valuable! They should be lucky you even penciled THEM into your busy sched. 4. Once they inevitably offer you the job cuz you CRUSHED IT, say that you have gotten a million other job offers and that you´ll “have to get back to them.” We all know this is the biggest lie since Milli Vanilli’s lipsyncing or Trump’s entire life, but, hey, better to lose out on a job than seem desperate…am I right?
PLEASE COME SHOW SOME RESPECT FOR THE TRAGIC DEATH OF THE ENTIRE RUTGERS FOOTBALL TEAM/JOIN THE MEDIUM! 7:45 P.M. WEDNESDAY, RSC 411B
No, this generation consists of technological robots wbo do not UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES communicate with each other. No matter how dire the situation, keep staring at Insta and mind your business like the rest of us!
CARA-PILLAR BY SAWYER
the Medium
OPINIONS
Wednesday, October 12th, 2016
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
“I cry myself to sleep at night, I hope no one reads this.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What question would you ask in the debate? “Would you grab me in the pussy?” Leslie Hump Wants to be Trumped.
“How much wood, could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” Jimmy Thrust Is an asshole.
“Why?”
Landen Fuck Why the fuck not?
THAT BOX OF CONDOMS ISN’T BEING USED
LOVE DOESN’T EXIST BY A RECENTLY DUMPED FRESHMAN
Summer is over and the weather is getting colder. Good time to get yourself a significant other so you have someone to snuggle up with during the upcoming frigid months, right? Wrong! That’s a moronic idea, because love is a fabrication invented by big business to sell products! Sounds like a load of horseshit right? How little you know. Does this scenario sound familiar to you? You’re in a long term relationship with someone you get along really well with. You’re essentially best friends except you fuck each other. He or she is perfect for you and you can’t imagine your life without them. It must be love, right? It has to be, you love your partner. But then you break up, often for a superficial or trivial reason. You feel sad for a bit but get over it and date someone else. Essentially, love is fragile, temporary, and meaningless, according to the average experience of your fellow man/woman/ whatever. Do you know why real life romantic experiences are the exact opposite of societal expectations of love and romance? Because there’s no such thing. The truth is that what’s motivating you to date and marry and all that bullshit is a biological need to reproduce and to ensure that your future babies have both their parents. But claiming that you married your wife because you “love” her sounds a whole lot less shallow than saying you married her because she’s got a nice rack for feeding your babies, or that your boyfriend is “the one” because he stuck with you for three months. Don’t feel bad about being single. It could just mean you’re truly awake.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
I AM SO SORRY BY BILL CLINTON’S PENIS
I. AM. SO. SORRY. I can’t help it. I just love being in mouths, asses and vaginas. They’re warm and moist. I love feeling myself get thrust in and out of them. I love coming out covered in saliva or the juices of whatever intern I just entered. It just feels so fucking good. Monica’s mouth was so wet, and it was even wetter and stickier when I left it. God, just thinking about that makes me drip precum. Hillary’s vagina is pretty great too, but it just got old you know? I knew that thing like the back of my scrote. Every single day it was the same thing in there. I could describe it in perfect detail. Then of course, one day I poke myself in there, and there’s a fetus in the way, so of course I was going to move on. I wanted something new, and not so full of baby. So yeah, I moved onto other women’s holes. They were new, a vacation from Hillary’s cooch. I loved that sense of adventure when I first spelunked inside those caves. It was great. I was addicted. I was inside every chick from Little Rock to Washington. It was so fucking great. I miss those days. But really I’m sorry, it might have been fun but it was wrong. I shouldn’t have been poking around in those meat purses. I should have stuck to Hillary’s flesh taco. To be fair though, it wasn’t really my fault. I may have given Bill’s brain up there the urge to be placed in something warm and moist, but in the end, it’s not up to me to make the decisions. I just get placed into what Bill wants me to be placed into. So I’m sorry, but at the same time it’s not my fault, it’s all on Bill’s brain and his thighs. I don’t make the decisions, he does.
I AM MORE SORRY THAN HIM BY DONALD TRUMP’S MOUTH
I am so much more sorry than that fucker up there. You think he has it bad with Bill’s brain? I’ve got to deal with this orange cheeto’s brain 24/7. Even when he sleeps, he’s opening me up, and having me spout out racist, sexist, bigoted gibberish. If I have to say big league one more fucking time? I’m actually going to say bigly. Seriously, every single fucking time he opens me up, I’m forced to say something that if I had a brain I’d never say. The other day I actually said that I wanted to jail my opponent. That’s fucking dictatorial. We live in America and I actually mouthed those words. I can’t fucking believe it. On top of that, he keeps trying to place me in places I don’t want to fucking go. The other day I had to wrap myself around Vladimir Putin’s cock. Do you know how shitty that was? I didn’t want that. Why couldn’t I be anyone else’s mouth? Seriously, I’d rather be Helen Keller’s mouth at this point, at least then the misery would be over. I am so fucking sorry for everything that has happened over the past few years. I didn’t want to say any of it, I was forced to against my will. If I had my way, we’d be talking about repairing our nation through the power of songs. I want to be free. I am so sorry for it all. Please forgive me, and me alone, not the Oompa Loompa I’m sewn onto. And if you can’t forgive me, at least put me out of my misery. The Medium meets Wednesdays at 7:45PM in room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center. Send your hate mail to not me. We also meet on Mondays in 117D in the Livingston Student Center. Come, I swear to God, it’s fun, also if you like to write send in opinions to themedium.opinions@gmail.com
Wednesday, October 12th, 2016
themedium.arts@gmail.com
“HIS ONLY WEAKNESS” BY SAWYER
“SEXY KRABS” BY CHOWDER SPARKLE
ARTS
“How do I get out here?”
“THE DEBATE ON ACID” BY DANKUM
DICK OF THE WEEK: “ALL SMILES” BY DANKUM
“HE’S #1” BY CAILLOU
JOIN THE MEDIUM! PLEASE. IT GIVES ME LESS WORK. FOLLOW US ON INSTA @THEMEDIUMRU MEETINGS MONDAYS 8PM (LIVI STUDENT CENTER 117D) WEDNESDAYS 7:45PM (COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER 411B)
the Medium
PERSONALS
the Medium
“I wish I could run at the speed of taste”
Nationalism
Sexy Old People
Why the fuck did we have class on Columbus Day? Isn’t this America?
How is Ken Bone only 34 years old?
You’re preaching to the choir. I wanted to celebrate by stealing my neighbors house, but instead I had to take an exam. Can we please paint the white house purple? The house being white is offensive to minorities! No. Painting it purple would be offensive to frostbite victims. How dare you trivialize their pain. In all seriousness, morons like you are why Donald Trump is so popular. People are THAT sick of your bullshit. I’m hungry. You sent this at 4 A.M. Go to sleep.
Wednesday, October 12h, 2016
I’ll be honest, I don’t know who that is. I could look him up, but I’m too lazy. So I’ll just say that he’s only 34 years old because he was born 34 years ago.
Misc.
POEM
You’re fine. Bedbugs are mythical creatures, like unicorns, werewolves, and mooses.
Leaves are falling down from trees faster this year. It must be climate change.
I think I might have bedbugs. Would burning my house down be too extreme of a reaction.
Next time I’m having sex, I won’t scream my boyFergie’s still hot. Have you friend’s name, or yes, over seen her milf money video? and over. Instead I’ll just say yep, yep, yep! I wonder I want to argue that you’re how long it’ll take to kill wrong, but beauty (or in this the mood. case, “hotness”) is in the eye of the beholder. So I’m gonna I thought I was the only perchallenge you to prove that son to do that. she’s hot, using science.
My boyfriends dad is hot, and he got creeped out when I pointed that out. Nobody wants to be compared to their parents. Or imagine them as sexual in any way. You fucked up.
You can get your morals removed by surgery. I used to have a conscience, but I had it taken out by a dentist. Now I can do whatever I want!
For all the people who where shirts with obscure things like “live”, what else are you supossed to do? One could argue that we don’t so much live, as die. So maybe that’s what we’re supossed to do. It bugs me that restrooms are called that. That’s what bedrooms should be called. They’re called restrooms because America has a pathetically sensitive culture and euphemisms are needed to prevent scaring people. If we were a respectable nation, we would call them “human waste removal rooms”. I was walking my dog, and it shat. I picked it up and I tripped, accidentally throwing dog shit everywhere. So if you think you’re having a bad day, I have you beat.
Our meetings are in room 411B at the Rutgers Student Center. Since I wrote that, maybe I won’t get lost again. Anyway, come visit if writing humor interests you! Or if you’re bored.
We must glue the leaves back on to simulate the natural leaf fall rate. It doesn’t have to be exact, feel free to rearrange! (I rhymed! I’m so proud.)
I wish I didn’t have any morals.
Crap and Death
I don’t have any thoughts this week. Here’s a picture of a rainbow for you to enjoy in black and white.
themedium.personals@gmail.com
I’m pretty sure the dog has you beat. Imagine how humiliating it would be for someone to pick up your shit and throw it everywhere. As if shitting in public isn’t embarrassing enough. Also, it’s not a fucking contest. Your pain is irrelevant to everyone else’s pain.
That’s Just Weird
Yay, Eugenics!
Did you see the guy with no neck at the debate? Literally just Chin after Chin after Chin... almost like in China.
You know how dining halls vary wildly in quality? Hear me out, I want to selectively breed them so we could have amazing dining halls in a few generations. Imagine if the dining halls had the food quality of Livingston, but the floor plans of Brower, except with a fireplace, like Busch.
I feel like the comparison would be a bit stronger if Chinese people were orange. I think we should have tours of our prisons. They could be like petting zoos! You realise that you’d pet the prisoners in a NON sexual matter, right? And your plan would therefore be like petting zoos with one type of animal. Boring and repetitive. Everyone gives me weird looks when I go to Busch to walk my goldfish. Well can you blame them? You’re going to Busch voluntarily, after all. Couldn’t you walk your goldfish at Livingston or College Ave? Hell, Cook would be better.
Freud Had A Point So my boyfriend has the same name as my dad. How creepy is that? On a scale from a pillow to clowns with shotguns, your situation is about a guy smiling with teeth whose arms are three feet tall walking towards you backwards while masturbating as slugs pour out of his empty eye sockets. And more importantly, it would make your threesomes confusing.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get buildings to reproduce? Setting the mood for them is hard. Any little thing ruins it for them. Including too tall grass, or daylight.
Writing Is Hard I need to write a short story for my creative writing class, but I can’t think of anything. Could it have something to do with the fact I sleep 4 hours a night? That’s right. Your brain in involved with creativity, and it needs adaquate rest. If you can’t achieve that, coffee is a perfect substitute. If that somehow fails, just throw in ninjas. Nobody’s done that before! Explain to me how people rhyme. Wouldn’t using rhyming language be far too limiting most of the time to say anything of substance? Nobody said poems are supossed to be easy. I can’t personally do them to save my life. It’s hard, but it is possible to say meaningful things in rhyme. It takes forever though, and I have a life.
AGGRESSIVE TACTICS
Second Debate Erupts In Passionate Hate Fuck BY CARLOS SANVIENTO FORMER FEMALE MODEL
ST. LOUIS--The second debate was held last Sunday and much to the surprise of those coming out of two-year comas, it was another proverbial tire fire. While the debate began normally with both candidates secretly giving the finger, a surprising turn of events occurred at the close of the event. While Republican Candidate and Tic Tac enthusiast, Donald “Jabroni” Trump, was refusing to give his report on what he did over his summer vacation, one brave audience member yelled from the back row that both candidates should, “Just make out already!” This comment was the spark that ignited a roaring flame as both nominees stared intently at each other to then rush in and embrace their political rival. In a fantastic display of tongue fencing, both opponents fell to the stage floor and began to ravish each other with their bodies. Clinton nipping at the jowls of Trump’s neck and Trump pulling
Real-Time Reaction
Clinton closer by the lower body, showed a willingness to compromise that was, until then, unheard of in this disaster of an election. Staff from the Clinton campaign said that they had prepared extensively for this kind of turnabout, supplying Clinton with the proper protection. The Trump staff similarly had Trump well versed on the application of lubricant, should ass play be put onto the table. As both candidates began their romp of hate-filled consensual intercourse, the audience cheered in approval of this splendid display of bipartisanship. When reached for a comment, former president Bill Clinton told The Medium “Oh baby,
Hill knows how much I love to watch” and thus proceeded to throw a strap-on dildo into the mass of flesh which was the two candidates. Upon the mutual climax of the two nominees, both cited the event as a “one night thing” and refuted any claims of the two fornicating again outside the occasional lonely Saturday night. Political experts called the event a momentous occasion, as this is the first instance of heterosexual intercourse in American politics. The approval ratings of both candidates has soared following the debate, with Clinton polling well with women for her use of the strapon supplied by her husband. A history professor from Washington University marks this debate as one for the history books, stating “not since the Lincoln/Douglas debate had two candidates engaged in such a display of aggressive (yet tender) lovemaking.”
MAKE SWEATERS BETTER (AGAIN) Do you have very intelligent political viewpoints that the public needs to hear? Are you constantly being told by your ignorant friends to shut up about your “stupid” or “self-righteous” preachings? Do you feel like your ideas are being repressed by the BIASED and RIGGED media? Come on down to the Medium on Wednesdays in room 411B at 7:45! We filter absolutely fucking NOTHING
October 12Th, 2016 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com HE'S DEAD JIM!
JIM HARBAUGH USES HANDICAPPED STALL WHILE AT RUTGERS BY CICERO DOBBS PUN ENTHUSIAST
P I S C ATAWAY — New
Brunswick: The Michigan Wolverines took a big steamy dump on the Rutgers football team Saturday, beating them a whopping 78-0 in what many would call an utter embarrassment by Rutgers on both defense and offense. The Rutgers defense allowed 601 total yards and 11 touchdowns and only gained 39 yards total on offense. After the game another storyline developed that the mainstream media refuses to report on. According to eyewitness accounts, Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh used the handicapped stall before going on the bus to return to Michigan. According these eyewitness accounts, the other stalls in the locker room were un-occupied. When asked about the incident, Harbaugh dismissed these allegations as just hearsay and rumor. However, a source close to the team later admitted that Harbaugh needed the handicapped stall because he sustained a lower
"MY NECK, MY BACK"
back injury right before the opening kickoff. The source, who asked to remain anonymous due to safety concerns, was able to shed some light on Harbaugh’s injury. Apparently Harbaugh pulled his lower back after he was startled by the cannon fire before the start of the game. He quickly received medical attention from the trainer and was cleared to coach. Throughout the first half
TOP FIVE RUTGERS SPORTS SCANDALS
In light of Rutgers' Athletic Director Pat Hobbs' recent chug heard round the world, The Medium looked into the Rutgers' infamous history with sports scandals. Out of the many to choose from, here are the top five sports scandals at The Birthplace of College Football: 5. In a practice video released by a disgruntled former assistant coach, head basketball coach Mike Rice is caught throwing basketballs at his players in a real faggy way. 4. Sophomore wide receiver William Gladstone catches 3 touchdowns for Phi Delta Theta in a Keller League game against Theta Chi but does not use this feat to slide into mad poonani, as required by league rules. 3. Rutgers football defeats Penn State 21-16 in one of the largest upsets of the 1988 season but is unable to apprehend enabler of child rape Joe Paterno, thus allowing 15 more years of abuse under his watch. 2. Some guy hits a cricket ball, which is really fucking hard, into a jogger's leg at Buccleuch Park. 1. During the 2015 season, multiple Scarlet Knight football players and head coach Kyle Flood are suspended for a variety of reasons, which could've been easily overlooked by students, fans and boosters alike if the team didn't go 4-8.
of the game Harbaugh could be seen wincing in pain and hunched over with his hand on his knees in a “coach’s stance”. At halftime, things seemed to be going well for both Michigan and Harbaugh. Not only were the Wolverines up by 43, but Harbaugh’s back was showing significant improvement. However, before the start of the second half disaster struck again for Harbaugh. For a second time the canon fire
caught him off-guard causing him to reinjure is back. It was then out of pain and anguish that Harbaugh instituted his no mercy rule as retribution for his bad back. After his team scored 35 unanswered points in the second half, there was one thing left for Michigan to do, get on the bus and get out of town. Even though his team had no problem moving the ball moving at this point moving was a struggle for Harbaugh. After successfully making it to the tunnel on his own accord, Harbaugh was helped into the locker room by his staff. Once in the locker room, Harbaugh proceeded relieve himself using the handicapped stall. When asked if he needed the stall because of his back he replied “No, it was the only one available.” There has been no evidence by eyewitnesses to support his claim. According to the cleaning crew, Harbaugh did not just take a dump on our team, but left a huge one in our handicapped toilet.
ASSISTANT TO THE VIDEO COORDINATOR
SOMEONE’S GETTING FIRED BY MIKE HAWK SPONGEBOB ANALYST
PISCATAWAY— This Saturday we all lost a piece of our soul. Our very own Scarlet Knights suffered a crushing 78-0 defeat from the Michigan wolverines. The fans haven’t been this mad since Gary Nova blew it at the Penn State game two years ago. Because of all the uproar, the fans are calling for the firing of someone off the football team staff. It would not be fair to get rid of Chris Ash because he came into this steamy hot mess of a team. Following the complaints Rutgers athletic director Patt Hobbs called for the immediate firing of Timothy Walsh, the Assistant Video Coordinator for the football team. We asked Hobbs to clarify his decision to fire someone so insignificant from the staff. “Insignificant!? Mr.
MEDIOCRE SInce 1970
Walsh is the sole purpose we played so poorly against Michigan Saturday night. Not the play calling, not the bad decisions, and not the skill gap, but Mr. Walsh. Mr. Walsh failed to produce a quality video presentation Coach Ash to entice possible recruits to stay in-state and choose Rutgers, thee birthplace of football over anyone else. That is where our problems stem from and nothing else. He needs to go.” In the past two years Rutgers has signed on 48 new recruits with only 10 of them being from the Garden State. None of them being ranked in Rivals.com top 10 rankings. Thats right, it’s as easy as typing into google who should be recruited and we have somehow managed to get none of them.