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october 18th, 2017
Volume LIV Issue VI 50¢ I'M SLIM SHADY YES I'M THE REAL SHADY ALL THESE OTHER.....
RACISTS LOSE LAST C O N N E C T I O N TO R A P MIKE HAWK PELVIS SAFETY OFFICER
NEW BRUNSWICK— This past week, rap icon Eminem debuted a freestyle against POTUS at the Video Music Awards expressing his distaste with his performance as president and quite frankly, as a human being. You can bet that fans of his who are also supporters of Trump were outraged by his freestyle where he calls the president out for his racist tendencies, lack of human empathy and for being an orange. This hot-take should come as no surprise as Eminem has been no stranger to political controversy constantly expressing his views in his artwork. In one of his most recent hits “Rap God” Slim makes reference to the killing
YA'LL Eminem pretending to kill himself because he's edgy
of a bunch of children in the Columbine shooting, later stating that it shouldn’t be seen as a big deal since these tragedies happen all the time. Apparently all of this was A-okay for his fans up until the
moment he came for President Trump. Outraged, racists took to Twitter to voice their displeasure for being betrayed by one of their own. Continued on Page 2
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
Studies Show Trump Physically Unable to Comprehend Tragedies in Developing Countires CAILLOU REAL GOOD LISTENER
WASHINGTON D.C.— Tuesday morning at 9 am, researchers revealed the results of a year-long study on Trump, concluding that the 45th President of the United States is unable to mentally process tragedies that occur in developing countries. This has confirmed theories developed by many scientists around the globe as to why someone so active on social media refuses to comment on anything both not American and not white.
QUICKIES
Guy Upset No Movie Comes Out On Coming Out Day Local Black Guy Takes Swimming Lessons, Doggie Paddles In Pussy Mick Jagger Doesn't Die Scoutmasters Find New Group of Female Boy Scouts Repulsive And Unmolestable Senile Old Woman Is Adorably Racist
An excerpt of the study describes “The subject was placed in a some of the methodology used, Continued on Page 2
MADEA
Since 1970
Human Trafficking Jam
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NEWS
Wednesday, October 18th, 2017
themedium.news@gmail.com
"Fuck you're thick"
GROWING SOMETHIN' ALRIGHT
PLANT PARENTHOOD FOUNDED WITH "SEED MONEY" JON GALT OUTTA HURR
HOLLYWOOD, CA —
Fallout from the myriad of sexual harassment accusations against Harvey Weinstein has caused multiple liberal politicians and organizations to disclaim the disgraced mogul's donations. Weinstein has been accused of various forms of sexual harassment and inseminating a potted plant by notable women in the entertainment industry. Weinstein prominently donated to Democratic campaigns, including over $300K to the DNC since 2000. The DNC is allocating more than $30K to groups
SLIM SHADIES ARE JUST IMITATING
...continued from front
“How THE FUCK am I supposed to claim racial superiority now!? All these years of having one of the best rappers of this generation be white and he fucking switched sides!! On top of that, all these black people keep sending him invites to their cookouts now, what does that even mean? Is it code? Is the race war finally happening? FUCK!” said Billy Bond. Slim Shady most certainly knew this was coming and ended his freestyle with a tribute to his fans who may also support Trump. “Fuck You” Short, sweet and to the point, as Shady quite eloquently put it. At least they still have country music.
Editorial Staff Spring 2017
EWWW THIS UNDOUBTEDLY IS THE SEED IN QUESTION that promote Democratic female of Weinstein's victims focus on candidates. the abuse and objectification Although most of the discussion of women in American society,
some recipients of Weinstein's donations recognize the harm Weinstein inflicted on the potted plant into which Weinstein ejaculated. The plant, which has not been identified at press time, has not issued a statement but did not consent to Weinstein's actions, according to the testimony of reporter Lauren Sivan. This incident has increased the profile of floraphilia and its victims. Funds from Weinstein are being relinquished and gathered in a trust for the victims of plant-rape. The fund continues to blossom as the list of victims continues to grow.
RICO MEANS RICH
TRUMP
neutral room containing only two chairs. Every 15 minutes, a researcher would go into the room and mention a topic, such as CNN, nuclear weaponry, or Putin. The only tests inciting abnormal reactions involved the subject ‘Somalia bombings,’ where the subject’s eyes glazed over, its body slouched over, and hands twitched every few seconds. The subject would sustain this posture until a team member would mention Kaepernick. The subject would
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Andrew Blustein Jake Goldstein Alex Hawley
Fratypus
then react in an established fashion as if nothing had happened.” White House staff have begun taking measures to work around the president’s newly discovered disability. Press secretary Sarah Sanders announced, “The United States will not be halted by our president’s mental disorder. The US will persevere through tragedies such as Somalia’s truck bombing, and will not let the death of hundreds of thirdworld citizens stop us from
News Editors Michael Okolo Jordan Plaut Opinions Editor Marissa Schwartz Arts Editor Gavin Briggs-Perez Personals Editor Kevin McClintock A7 Editor Shaina Joseph Features Editor Rob Sanchez
...continued from front
making this country great again.” Citizens across America have been announcing they suffer from a similar disease, as Alabaman Billy McBowell said, “Yeah these fellas over the sea, their problems just don’t do anything for me, y’know. If it ain’t about the death of our national anthem, then you can forget about it,” he stated as he set up his American flag rifle targets. As of press time, no one has mentioned to the president that he has this disability.
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Dan Cretella Scott Hoberman Jake Goldstein Landen Naphtali William Field Penny boarders
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. This article is dedicated to all women who have suffered from sexual harassment and those who continue to fight it.
Wednesday, October 18th, 2017 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
“Anybody got any good Holocaust jokes?”
MA-CATCH-THIS-DEE-A Madea movies you didn’t know existed because Tyler Perry has beaten this idea to death and because they went straight to DVD and who has a DVD player anymore? 1. Madea Goes to Madea: A Madea Madea 2. A Very Madea Hanukkah: Shabbat Shalom Bitches! 3. Wham! Madea Punches a Nazi in the Face 4. Oops! Madea Loses a Baby: Finds Another One! 5. Madea Goes to the Zoo: Has Okay Time 6. Shamu! Madea Gets a Job at SeaWorld 7. Madea Comes Out of the Closet: Moves to Under the Bed 8. Tyler Perry vs. Madea: A Fight to the Death 9. Madea Renews Her Contract: Here Till 2024! 10. Contract’s Up: Madea Runs for President! 11. AHHH! Madea Goes Rogue: Kills Entire Family 2! 12. Madea Checks into a Mental Institution 13. I’m Out Bitches!: Madea Checks out of Mental Insti2tion 14. Madea Gets Breast Cancer: Reevaluates Some of Her Life Decisions 15. RIP Madea: A Tribute 16. Sike! Madea’s Back and Better? Than Ever! 17. The End of an Era: Madea Gets Hit by A Bus!
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C’S GET DEGREES Jobs a Journalism Degree Can’t Help Me With At All
Astronaut - NASA doesn’t need people who know the difference between ‘their’ and ‘there’ Music Conductor - How hard can this really be though? Glorified stick waver Police Officer - Because I can’t be a bad cop and write about how bad they are at the same time Doctor - They don’t know how to write at all Mother/Housewife - The hardest job in the world Janitor - The only thing they’re writing about is their suicide note Journalist - Unless you’re in sports journalism, which I am so suck it losers
YIK YAKKIN’
FINISH THE SENTENCE Taco Bell’s new fried egg taco shell is __________ good innovative beautiful repulsive American meh, only okay better than Burger King’s grilled dogs worse than McDonald’s McGangBang insane, holy shit! bad like taking laxatives fried other
Because no one gives a fuck about what happened on your floor or how much your roommate masturbates
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, October 18th, 2017
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
“I am not a clown.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What Rutgers course best describes you? “14:125:445 Principles of Drug Delivery” Tyler Johnson Part-time gardener.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
GET IN MY VAN BY DIXON SCOTT
Alright, kid, I know what your parents told you. “Don’t get into a stranger’s vans if they offer you candy.” And alright, fair enough, but I’m not just offering you candy. I’ve got pizza and ice cream in here too-as much as you could want. Eat as much of anything as you’d like. If you don’t tell your parents, then you won’t get in trouble. There’s no bedtime in here either; you can stay up playing as late as you want. Think of me like your grandpa-the rules at your house don’t apply in mine. Yeah, that’s a good boy, come on in. You’re gonna have a great time here.
NO, GET IN MY VAN
“01:175:265 American Experimental Film and Video” Kara Lopez Hands-on learner.
BY HANS NORMAN
“01:160:348 Instrumental Anal” Drew Parker In-depth student.
WWW.WOAH
I USE MOZILLA FIREFOX AND I’M PROUD OF IT BY LINDA ROBERTSON
It has taken me a long time to get to this point, and the road hasn’t been easy, but I can finally stand proud and say “I am a Firefox user”. While the rest of the world quietly shakes their head in disapproval, I have stood by my favorite browser along with hundreds of users who consider ourselves part of the “skulk” (that’s fox terminology). There’s just something nostalgic, yet streamlined about a browser so sleek, with its voluptuous curved edges and feisty little fox icon. Nothing gives me greater comfort than typing anything in that URL bar and knowing that Yahoo will muster up all possibly relevant and secure websites. Have I mentioned the sheer speed of such an elegant browser? Faster than you can say “Google Chrome”, millions of choices are at my fingertips. So many features just make Firefox superior to the rest and remind me why I am a part of the skulk. The safebrowsing feature is one of my favorites, only to be topped by the option to “Save to Pocket”. The integration of two of the biggest web innovators is one of the many reasons that I hold firmly that Firefox is the premier browser and will continue to be. It’s timeless, yet current, beautiful, yet understated, a true browser with flare. I can now confidently scream from the rooftops, fully unafraid that I use Mozilla Firefox!
Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard all about Dixon and his van. Well listen up, because I’ve also got pizza and ice cream. Offering nothing but candy is for the geezers that are all dropping out of the game. Not only that, but this offer isn’t just for you, you can invite as many friends as you want. Don’t worry, I’ve got plenty of the good stuff for everyone. It’ll be the best slumber party of your life, trust me. No? Not interested? Alright, bonus offer. I’ve got a lot of ice cream for you guys, it’s gonna get very messy. So just don’t bother with clothes! This van is a clothing-optional zone. Kids hate clothes, right? Tonight, you don’t have to bother. So go get your friends and let’s have a good old naked time!
IT’S NOT MAYO, IT’S...
I’M NOT WHIPPED! BY CHAD I don’t know why my friends keep saying I’m “whipped.” For those of you who don’t know what that blasphemous term is, it apparently means that my girlfriend has strong control over me and over when I make plans. Stupid word, right? And she doesn’t do any of that. How dare my friends accuse her of such a thing! She is a shining angel. She wouldn’t be capable of something like that. How else would I have time to write this article? I am writing this during our daily elevenminute break from 8:10 to 8:21 pm. She says that’s more than enough time apart for the day. And during that time I can do so many activities like call a friend, take a long shit, take two short shits, watch half of a Rick and Morty episode, browse 4chan for 10 minutes too long, the possibilities are endless! And it’s not like I can’t hang out with friends. I’m allowed to hang with two friends a week! No girls though. She says that other girls could distract me from my priorities. She’s always looking out for me. OH SHIT! I just realized it’s 8:23! I’m two minutes late, and for every minute I miss with her, I have to buy her a gift. But uh, in conclusion, fuck my friends! They’re probably just jealous. 8:24! Ok shit I really have to go. I can barely afford three gifts.
Wednesday October 18th, 2017
themedium.arts@gmail.com
SLAM POETRY BY LITERAL POET
ARTS
“Honest to god fact: rice krispie treats contain pork”
the Medium
GAY PRINCIPLES BY HOMOPHOBIC SEX TOY SALESMAN
JOIN THE MEDIUM! PLEASE. WE’RE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR NEW PEOPLE. JUST IMAGINE YOUR DRAWINGS FEATURED ON THIS PAGE. YOU’D BASICALLY BECOME FAMOUS. FOLLOW US ON INSTA @THEMEDIUMRU MEETINGS MONDAYS 8PM (LIVI STUDENT CENTER 117D) WEDNESDAYS 7:45PM (COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER 411B)
WHOLESOME BY BISEXUAL FANTASY
TRONALD DUMP BY WHITE HOUSE BATHROOM SPY
CNN SINCE ELECTION BY TRUMPED OUT VIEWER
PERSONALS
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themedium.personals@gmail.com
“Livin’ on the edge of tomorrow”
Fucking Ass
Gut Wrenching
Menorah Whorea
Is it me, or is personals really impersonal? (Is it me, or is FUCK YOU.) I’ve had these leftovers in my fridge for the past three weeks, are they still safe to eat? (There are three tests for this kind of thing, a sight test for mold, the sniff test, and the one finger taste test. This is also done before anal.)
My roommate installed a blacklight in our dorm, any suggestions on somewhere clean we can sleep for the rest of the year? (Wooaah, I know for a fact Rutgers bleaches those rooms after every year, so all that splooge is on you guys... well not ON you on you, just... you get it.) Any tips on healing heavy emotional scarring? (Buddy, if I knew that these responses would be a lot funnier. Though I heard getting a dog helps. Dogs are good, too good for humans.) Does the Furry Community have a mascot? (They did, but then they all started dressing up as the thing and it just got complicated when everyone was in the fuck pile.)
I saw a six-foot-tall Chanukiah on the yard in my town today. Though it makes sense; the holiday is only 57 days away. I think this may be retaliation for the Gentile neighbors putting Halloween decorations over their year-round Christmas lights. (A little Christian secret here, but Christmas lights are a fuckin bitch to put up. If one bulb is out, the whole thing doesn’t work, and you spend like four to six hours throwing wire over bushes and nailing wires to your roof in the middle of winter. Keeping the lights up all year is a thing necessity. I say let the Jews suffer for once.)
Where can I go to find a real man? (Try the puppet store Gipedo’s in about 15 years. Also it is kinda unnerving that a guy with “pedo” in his name wanted to make an artifical little boy.) I’ve started putting my work calls on speaker as a form of mating call. (These days nothing gets someone harder/wetter than the idea of stable income. Or should I say inCUM?! HaHaHa... I’m lonely.)
Wednesday, October 18th, 2017
I didn’t start the fire, but you can write for The Medium
Mr. Clean
How do I get seltzer water out of clothes? Do I use more seltzer? (Actually just pour club soda on it, then selzer to get the club soda, then club soda to get the seltzer...) Can we let natural selection do its job when it comes to peanut allergies. (Fuck yeah! Besides what is life if one can never eat a Reese’s Peanutbutter Cup?) Am I a bigot just because I’m lactose intolerant? (Ugh, Its people like you that are the reason why those cows take a knee at half & half time.) Is Steve Harvey’s tie knot getting wider or is it an illusion? (No it is actually getting larger. Scientists theorize that Harvey’s tie will reach the size of the United States in a few weeks. From there it will grow exponentially until in a matter of months it will have swallowed the known universe.)
Under the Drawers
Join us at our pitch meetings. Wednesday @ 7:45pm College Ave Student Center 411B
I’m having trouble drawing the penis of our nude models in class. (For better references, sneak into any boy’s bathroom and look in the stalls. I don’t know why, but we have a habit of drawing those things on any private surface we can. I think it is a collective mental illness.)
QOTD
“I just want a big, strong, black man to take me on the White House Lawn”
- Mike Pence
[Place Holder]
Giving Up
Pass, I’ll get back to you.
My first few exams were all horrible, should I just go ahead and give up now? I’ve gotten really good offers to be a stripper.
(Take your time, I’m not going anywhere. Well this week anyway, next week I got a wedding and after that is Halloween so...) I got arrested for public nudity and you were my one phone call. (Ha! Way to waste your only call idiot! I’ve ditched all celluar devices in an effort to get the government to stop stealing my cookie recipes.) My Two Loko babies are all dead of SUDS. (Welp that’s the end of that story. Tune in next week for the spin-off series.) Rick and Morty fans are a literal cancer.
(Not changing this one. Watching a fucking TV show does not make you better than anyone else, unless its Roots.) My roommate speaks Russian in his sleep and it is concerning. (My dad used to do the same thing too. He also would speak it when Ronald Regan was mentioned and anyone said the word bubble.) What classes should I take next semester? I kinda want an easy spring semester. (Pretty much any class from the arts department with a 1 in the first digit of their class code. Also any class who’s name is a full sentence on it’s own or starts with Intro to _____.)
(I’ve lived that life before and all I can say is I hope your taste in music is horrible. Oddly enough it’s not the lustful gazes of middle aged men that make stripping terrible, its the DJ’s horrible taste in songs.) If global warming isn’t real than why did all those penguins die from too much ice? Suck it! (That offended all two penguins that survived.) In the original Jungle Book, animals killed everyone. (No shit, fun fact everyone: any animal can kick the shit out of the average human. We just cheat in life and use tools and junk.) Still no takers to join in on my A Capella group. I’m starting to get a little bit discouraged. (Honestly this rant on the cancerous artform of a capella is just a running gag to fill space. People really don’t like to write into this bit so it is pretty much just me writing this whole page. So please write to us in email or twitter.) My teacher complained about his dentist today, it was pretty funny. (Dentists in general are horrible, like who is expecting to make the world a better place as a dentist?)
Wednesday October 18, 2017
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PAGE A7
the Medium
“When I eat apples my lips get itchy.”
20 year old and 13 Year Old on a Train(ft. Angela Merkel) Part 2 (To read part one, pick up the stack of papers you got this from and you will see last week’s edition, the story starts on A7) 20 year old: Mt. Carmel Cemetary! *shakes can of blue spraypaint* 20 year old: I’ll be back *she jumps off the train* 13 year old: ….so…. Angela Merkel:….ya…. 13 year old: Are you watching anything interesting right now? Angela Merkel: No 13 year old: Oh, Hulu? Angela Merkel: No. 13 year old: Sorry I’m just, ugh, I’m just trying to make this less awkward ok, I don’t care about you enough to actually care if you watch anything, this is just how I am, stahp, Angela, stahp I’m cool. Angela Merkel: Oh, wow. 13 year old: Like I know, um, yeh, so yeh, um I know um that, basically whatever she just jumped off the train and like we don’t know each other as well cause, so um.... have you ever tried to say Germany without an accent. Angela Merkel: haha, I don’t think so 13 year old: *clearly getting more flustered and self-conscious* um, oh, so like this “Ger-Man” haha, like a man, oh! That’s why they’re called Germans ok so, ‘Ny’ Angela Merkel: Germany 13 year old: Oh nice, you did it. (And that’s all for this week tune in next week Wednesday for the adventures of 20 year old 13 year old and Angela Merkel on a Train, here at the Medium on page A7) Joe Biden, Didn’t Think We’d Forget Him Did you?
Medical Reasons You’re Inferior I’m allergic to Drier Sheets “I only realized this after I washed all my clothes in drier sheets and had no fucking clothing for like 2 months straight, I had no fucking underwear.” I Probably Have Anal Fissures but I Don’t Know “So like I always find blood in my stool so I called my doctor and she said its probably anal fissures so I guess I do. Maybe one day I’ll just like have a baby and just like bleed out.”
Can you join my meme group? We’re called Scientological Schemes for Thetan Teens.
There he is.
In order to join please go to this link bitly.mic/ox and put in your credit card information, this is so that we can cater to your specific needs.
Look below. It’s Joe Biden.
We mostly post insider content, so if you’re not intimately familiar with scientology please don’t join. However, if you do know about scientology, please feel free to join and post funny and relatably religious content. Please, no memes, only original content. He came to Rutgers.
Um, Last Call, Come to the Medium, on Wednesdays at 7:45 in Room 411B
October 18th, 2017 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com EVEN BIRDS BEAT US
RUTGERS BEATS ILLINOIS, DECIDES TO CALL IT QUITS ON FOOTBALL
major Big 10 teams by dozens of points, and even taking a loss to Eastern Michigan University. But this Saturday was different for Rutgers, this weekend snapped the cold streak. Following an absolute blowout by Ohio State and a bye week, Rutgers was extremely wellrested and ready to beat the team ranked one spot below them in the latest AP polls. After the thrilling victory, the organization decided to call it quits on college football to preserve the feeling. In a press conference, Chris Ash told reporters “It’s a decision that the whole organization was on board with. I don’t think " A SWEET END TO OUR SUFFERING " anyone can tolerate the constant Rutgers beats first Big 10 team, makes a smart move to protect reputation. flow of negativity surrounding this program. Frankly, I’m just glad we can end it on good BY THROB LOWE terms.” PISCATAWAY, NJ— This past 2015, and Pat Hobbs has decided Rutgers University has been Saturday the Scarlet Knights it’s quitting time. renowned as “The Birthplace topped the Fighting Illini 35-24 The Scarlet Knights have had of College Football”, as the first in their first Big 10 victory since a rough few years, losing to game in history was played on its
campus. Rutgers beat Princeton 6-4 in a riveting matchup that would set the tone of the sport forever. But the university that started it all has decided to end it all on a good note. Wide Receiver Janarion Grant stated “The locker room was the most electric it had ever been, and we all knew that we should just quit while we’re ahead. I’m glad I can go out feelin’ like a champ.” The news of the program being dissolved shocked fans, who are left wondering what they’ll do instead of watch a shitty football game and spend the rest of their day pouting. The university had a quick response to the fans, saying that Mason Gross students will be performing “Cats: The Musical” at Highpoint Solutions Stadium in place of games. Tickets will not be refunded as the university sees "Cats: The Musical" as objectively more entertaining than our football team.
A List of Things That Could Win Week Six of the NFL: by the numbers A Series Against the Nationals
BY THROB LOWE
1 The Chicago Cubs, duh. 2
The New Brunswick Police Department Softball Team The GOP Monsanto
3 working
4 Lou Gherig's Disease 5 The Little Rascals
with
6
22
The Cast of Seinfeld
7 Any team Kenny Powers was on.
8
190 Browns fans who watched
the game and didn't consider faking their death and starting anew as someone who doesn't like the Browns.
9 grim looking orphans
9 A big ole' bag of dicks. 10
Guys who missed their children's first steps because they were caught up in a slo-mo replay.
55
A group of rapidly-aging conservatives.
Hand jobs given in stadium bathrooms that were noticed, but ignored.
77
TV's that were destroyed in a fit of blind rage when the Jets blew the game against the Patriots.
2 People who chose to watch reruns of "The Good Wife" instead of watching football.
Chillin' at the tillet Glory hole SINCE 1970
69
Times Rob Gronkowski will get laid by next Sunday.