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october 26th, 2016
Volume LII Issue VII 50¢ THIS IS HALLOWEEN, THIS IS HALLOWEEN
FRESHMAN TRIES TAKE LX LATE HALLOWEEN NIGHT
BY GRIND ALL DOING WHITE PEOPLE THINGS
EW BRUNSWICK-Freshman N Nick Corey has reportedly told friends his Halloween plans include taking a bus from the quads on Livingston to College Ave around 11 p.m.. Sources close to Corey say that the freshman is confident he will be able to easily get to the College Ave campus in about 10 minutes, a sad understatement. When asked why he believes he'll be able to do this Corey responded "why wouldn't I?", a statement which completely confirms his total disillusionment. "I know getting on a LX sucks during the day but this is at night so it's gotta be different," said Corey. "Also Rutgers is awesome about always having a bus available so I'm sure they will put out more buses on Halloween", a statement which also shows his complete
WOW, ANOTHER FUCKING HEADLINE Donald Trump does a thing which inevitably pisses off human beings
disillusionment of how Rutgers actually works. Those close to him have tried to tell him the reality of the situation but apparently it has fallen on deaf ears. "I keep trying to tell him! He's just won't listen", said roommate Ryan Kennedy. "Poor guy actually thinks he'll be able to get on a bus! He has no idea
what he's in for". Kennedy has also confirmed that Corey will be dressed as "one night stand" quite literally. Corey plans on wearing a cardboard box complete with a lamp shade balancing on top of his head. "I know it's a rather large costume," said Corey. "But I'm sure there will be space on the bus to fit it all".
ART APPRECIATION 101
Drunk Girl Seduces Statue
BY TRAITOROUS GUMBBALL A SCUMBAG
NEW BRUNSWICK—Chaos erupted last weekend as Rutgers Junior Taylor Brown decided that Walking Man, better known as the statue outside the Zimmerli Art Museum, struck her fancy. Within seconds of laying eyes on the statue, Brown shambled to him and proceeded to kiss him. “I’ve never seen her like this, usually she can control herself.” Said Max VanName, a friend of Brown’s who witnessed the hookup. As Brown continued, students gathered to witness the event that some are describing as the epitome of the drunken, hormone fueled shenanigans that the university is famous for. Others cite the Public Safety Building orgy of 2011.
The hookup lasted certain is that Walking Man will approximately five minutes have to be cleaned before the before Brown realized that she incident happens again. was doing all the work. “I realized that I somehow never felt his tongue, let alone his hands. It just felt weird to not be felt up in any way during a make out session. So I left in search of someone more experienced.” Brown explained. Jessica Greenberg, A Rutgers Women’s Studies major who witnessed the event, plans to charge Walking Man with rape charges. Other witnesses are impressed with his stamina, and hope to eventually seduce the statue themselves. “Look at that guy! His jawline is so well defined. And he’s got buns of steel!” Said Rutgers Freshman Katrina ROCK HARD! Schneeberg. “I just hope he’s Brown takes a break from dry humping to down another beer into Jewish girls.” One thing we know for
MAKING PORN JOKES Since 1970
QUICKIES
CHECK OUT OUR ELECTION COVERAGE INSIDE Arguing Frat Bros Finally Kiss Texans Deny They Would Swing That Way Black Man on Bluetooth is Mistaken for Slam Poet Sorority Sister Buys Non-Slutty Halloween Costume Pat Hobbs Shows up, Saves Party Space Gets Filled, Editor Rejoices Scientists still don't know what the point of midgets are. Every Single Clown Finally Fucking Dies
the Medium
NEWS
Wednesday, October 26th 2016
themedium.news@gmail.com
"PUT THE 'DRUMPF' BACK IN 'TRUMP'"
DADDY'S LITTLE APPRENTICE
SKITTLES ARE JUST LIKE REFUGEES
Tiffany Trump Makes Her Vending Machine Fails To Acting Debut Vend Skittles BY BARBARA NOTWALTERS ANGRY BROWN GIRL
LOS ANGELES — Tiffany Trump, the oft-forgotten youngest daughter of Marla Maples and presidential nominee Donald Trump, is making a name for herself. In an effort to finally get some attention from her father, Tiffany is making her acting debut in "The Ovarian Office." The film, a gross spoof about the President's office, will have Tiffany playing the starring role, her father’s political rival in this election, Hillary Rodham Clinton. “My dad, and pretty much the rest of the world, always forgets out me. Everyone talks about Ivanka and how beautiful and talented she is, but now it’s my turn to shine, and swallow,” the younger Trump told The Medium. Trump was first approached by Vivid Entertainment after her powerful speech at this year's Republic National Convention. Trump says she was surprised, but honored. “I’ve never really thought about doing adult films, but I always hear people saying that I have ‘a face made for porn,’ so I figured, why not? And to
get to play Hillary Clinton, as a feminist, I feel very proud. I hope to do her justice.” Upon hearing this news, members of the GOP exploded in rage, stating that seeing the daughter of their nominee act in a pornographic film is “disgusting, and shameful.” However, sources say that this is due in large part that it is Tiffany Trump who is doing porn, and not Ivanka. “Come on, it’s bad enough that we have to endure an embarrassing loss in this election, but now we get a porn starring a Trump, and it’s not even the hot one? At the very least, she could have played Ivanka in the film but no, she’s playing Crooked Hillary! Fuck this job, I quit,” said RNC Chairman Reince Preibus. There is currently no word on how Donald Trump is handling the news of his daughter's new career, but he is likely burying his head in shame—in Ivanka’s lap. The film is set to debut on Pornhub on November 8th, during live coverage of Election Day.
DO YOU LOVE ME YET, DADDY? Tiffany Trump is doing a great job at getting rammed from behind
Editorial Staff Fall 2016
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Andrew Blustein Sifat Mahbub Not Andrej Eftimov
Fratypus
BY TRAITOROUS GUMBBALL PROBABLY JEWISH
NEW BRUNSWICK- At 1:24 P.M. last Wednesday, the Vending machine in Campbell Hall was unable to vend a bag of Skittles. “I just finished my exam and wanted a snack for stress relief, you know?” Explained Rutgers Sophomore Paul Scheidt. “But unfortunately, it was not to be.” At the time of writing, the bag of skittles is still dangling inside the machine, just barely holding onto the spring. “It’s honestly pretty incredible.” Said Rutgers Freshman Alison Sucher. “I mean, have you seen just how small the surface area is of the portion of the bag that’s on the spring? It defies physics!” It is possible that the vending machine intentionally
failed to give Scheidt his Skittles in a diabolical plot to rob him of five quarters. Many of the university’s policies, such as those for parking and housing, are designed with the dual end goals to maximize profit for the school and minimize the welfare of students. “I want to stay optimistic, but this machine is affiliated with Rutgers. It’s plausible, if not likely, that the Skittles incident was planned from the start.” Said Scheidt. Rutgers Officials have not commented on the situation, and how they plan to compensate Scheidt for the money, although it is likely safe to assume that they will do nothing.
HANGING ON BY A THREAD Defiant Skittles stand firm against attempts of purchase
NewsEdtors Not James Mullen III Not Aly Grindall Opinions Editor Jake Goldstein Arts Editor Dan Um Personals Editor Connor McCarthy Page A7 Editor Somebody Features Editor Darcy Ritt
Sports Editor Michael Okolo Copy Editor Marissa Schwartz Kevin McClintock Secretary Jake Goldstein Webmaster Landen Naphtali Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Peter Thiel
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. This week's issue is dedicated to everyone who had to endure hearing their roomates talk about The Walking Dead.
the Medium
FEATURES
Wednesday, October 26th, 2016
“I am the whitest Spanish person you’ll ever meet. I’m not Spanish.”
themedium.features@gmail.com
A CHIA PET WORKS TOO
AM I COOL YET?!
Hottest Fall Trends...For Less!
Ideal Pets For Your Dorm Room
BY LATIN MAMA
You cheat on all of your exams, so might as well cheat on fashion, too! Check out how you can attain this season’s hottest looks for half the price. Men’s harem pants. Easy, just place zip ties around your pant legs. Aint’ nobody got money nowadays, let alone to buy some pants that make you look like Aladdin and MC Hammer’s love child. So, improvise! Put some zip ties around the pant legs of some pants you already have and look ridiculous…but at least it’s on a bargain!
BY LATIN MAMA
I miss my dogs so fucking badly that I cry myself to sleep every night. But really, I do. Well, sucks for me, cuz I can’t them in my on-campus apartments. But…where there’s a will, there’s a way, aka LOOPHOLES! Here are some pets that you can sneak into your dorm/apartment for some much-needed company. Hermit Crab. Their cages smell like 4-day-old butthole and they will most definitely pinch you (think nipple clamps… owwwwww), not to mention that they are also pretty terrible company-wise. But hey, having this smelly little friend is much better than being alone scrolling through Tinder! Cat. The cat will most likely spend his or her days plotting your murder, so on second thought, absolutely don’t get a cat (aka the spawn of Satan) unless you have a death wish. Goldfish. How could this go wrong, right? WRONG. Remember that kid in the fifth grade who always poured waaaaaaay too much fish food into the cage and killed poor little Freddy? Yeah, as long as you don’t get too high and do that (good luck), you should be fine.
Luscious lips. Get stung by bees. God knows that there are noooo shortage of bees here at Rutgers (especially around College Ave). Just go to Au Bon Pain and ask for the most white girl, sugary latte you can get, and just sit back and relax-- you’ll be looking like Kylie Kardashian in no time!
Plant. Be honest with yourself: you can hardly even take care of yourself (when was the last time you trimmed your pubes?), so why complicate things and get a pet? The best option is to get a plant and call it a day. Careful: while this seems like the easyway-out, it still has the potential to become fucked up nine ways to Sunday (overwatering, accidentally peeing into it in a drunken stupor, etc.). On second thought, just continue being alone and call it a day.
THIS WEEK
Try This Energy Drink Or Do Meth, They’re Basically the Same Thing
Choker necklace. Use a dog collar instead-- You’ll be lookin’ onfleek (**did I use this phrase right?** Do I sound cool yet?**I’m hip, I swear**). Plus, this can double as an BDSM prop for the bedroom…two birds one stone!
Did these fashion tips come in handy? Let us know in person at a meeting! Come to room 411B of the College Ave Student Center from 7:45-8:45 every Wednesday. Or not.
the Medium
OPINIONS
Wednesday, October 26th, 2016
“And on the seventh gym day, John rested, cause he’s a bitch.”
PRESIDENTIAL VOICES
What are you going as for Halloween? “Welfare.”
Gary Johnson Wife is going as Mt. Everest.
“I don’t have time for a children’s holiday.” Hillary Clinton Might as well go as a robot.
“One tough hombre.”
Donald Trump Already has the taco bowls from Trump Bar and Grill.
“A brain-melting internet router.”
Jill Stein Backup costumes include genetically modified corn and scientific evidence. CULINARY REVIEW
IHOP’s Tilapia is a Hidden Gem in a Sea of Time-Honored Standards BY FUI VON WIWII
Two words: boundary breaking. That is the best way to describe one of what I would describe as IHOP’s master works, and I hesitate to use the term “master work,” but IHOP has justified its usage time and time again, this being no exception. Of course, I’m talking about the Tilapia Florentine, on IHOP’s entrée menu, and is the only seafood item on their menu. But truly, you’d think it came from beachside three star Michelin ristorante. Let me try to paint you a tribute to this meal, using nothing but a few blissful memories of a dinner lost to the unforgiving, yet insufferably fair, march of time. However, words cannot describe how one feels when you first breath in a scent of this tilapia over the torrent of morning regalement; the tangy scent of a seaside mistress seduces you before you even set eyes on her. How she tenderly places herself on your table, laid out bosom exposed for you. Her clitoris gently whispering, almost inaudibly, out to you, for you to consume. First slowly, but soon more savagely than either of you can handle. And before it’s even truly began, it’s over. The morning after, she’s gone without a notice. If it weren’t for your memory, and the night clerk’s query of where the other guest was, she very well might not have existed. But lying on that mattress, in a motel room unkempt, uncared for, and forgotten; lay the memory of one of your most incredible nights. 9/10. Broccoli was a bit too mushy for my taste.
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
KILLING IN THE NAME OF...BEING A DOUCHE
Why I Will Never Learn CPR BY BRANDON THE ASSHOLE
If you’ve been at Rutgers as long as I have, you’ve almost certainly seen a plethora of useless classes. We’ve got things like pre-calculus (Calc exists, just do that), the entirety of the History curriculum, and Expos. However, the most useless class of all is none of those. It is CPR. Let me explain. First, I’m not arguing against the fact that CPR can be useful in certain circumstances. I’m just saying that the chances are kind of small. Like, the chances of Rutgers not completely fucking you over if given the opportunity small. Second, it feels too similar to kissing, and the idea of kissing people that are nearly dead is kinda gross. And they can’t kiss you back, on account of being too busy fighting for your life. The tongue would be identical to a dead slug in function. Third, and most importantly, if you know CPR, you’re morally obligated to use it. Let me explain why that’s such a big deal. Three years ago, I shared a dorm with a man who quickly grew to be my worst enemy. He stole my video games, had sex with my girlfriend on my bed, and has terrible taste in movies. I had to live with this asshole for a month, and then Lady Luck finally shined on me. My roommate stopped breathing and collapsed. I don’t know why, maybe he drank too much. I don’t care. Anyway, I don’t know CPR, so I just watched. It was the best eight minutes of my life. I’m telling you, nothing beats the warm fuzzy feeling you get when watching the life slowly leave the eyes of your enemies. Hearing the gasps of breath as he tries desperately to hold on. Admittedly, the smell of his post death bowel release is kind of gross, but it’s nice to know you don’t have to deal with your enemy ever again. After experiencing that profound morning, I came to an epiphany. I will never learn CPR as long as I live.
THE SYSTEM IS RIGGED
I don’t know why I’m failing!
BY OWEN THE FRESHMAN My teachers should be fired! What a complete asshole. Imagine this, I haven’t done any homework this semester because its only 15% of your grade. So naturally I was a little behind: no big deal right? I’ll just miss class and say I was sick and take the make up test. Wrong! My teacher said I didn’t have any official excuse and isn’t letting me. She’s being seriously unfair you know? I mean all things considered I should just get a decent grade; I’m paying all of this money--well my parents are actually--either way I should just get a decent grade automatically. It gets even worse too; I failed my expos essay again just because it was one page less than the 4 page minimum requirement. It’s like the other 3 pages don’t even matter! I figure I should get at least a 75% on it since I have 3 out of the 4 pages but my teacher isn’t accepting any of it. I lost the syllabus too so there’s no way I could’ve known about the 4 page requirement. I keep trying to send the principal an email but I can’t find him online, it’s like this dumb school doesn’t even have one. The Medium meets Wednesdays at 7:45PM in room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center. Send your hate mail to not me. We also meet on Mondays in 117D in the Livingston Student Center. Come, I swear to God, it’s fun, also if you like to write send in opinions to themedium.opinions@gmail.com And if you see us on Tinder? Super like us or swipe right.
Wednesday, October 26th, 2016
themedium.arts@gmail.com
“PUMPKINGDOM COME” BY SAWYER
DICK OF THE WEEK: “TRUMPKIN” BY DANKUM
ARTS
the Medium
“Febreeze.”
“HILLARY CLITTONOUS” BY DANKKUM
“VOTE FOR HIM” BY DANKKKUM
JOIN THE MEDIUM! PLEASE. IT GIVES ME LESS WORK.
FOLLOW US ON INSTA @THEMEDIUMRU MEETINGS: MONDAYS 8PM (LIVI STUDENT CENTER 117D) WEDNESDAYS 7:45PM (COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER 411B)
PERSONALS
the Medium Old People
Hugs are creepy. Who decided that a good way to show affection is to smoosh your bodies together like food gets smooshed between your tongue and the mouth roof.
Aren’t the elderly students creepy? We’re a bunch of 18 to 24 year olds experiencing college and then we see this guy whose like 77 sitting in the front row asking questions. I mean, what’s the point in going to college at that age?
Or maybe I’m just a shitty kisser. Halloween sold out. It used to be about the spooks, but now it’s just big candy teaching children about about corporatism at a despicably young age. Sellouts. At least Halloween has respectable origins. Valentine’s day was specifically created to sell candy, cards, and jewelry. National Measure Your Foot Day is a real holiday.
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“The ceiling in Scott Hall is too low.”
Creeps Everywhere
Not as creepy as kissing. I mean, it’s like dead slugs being slapped together.
Wednesday, October 26th, 2016
Honestly, I feel the same way. The point of college is to gain a piece of paper that says you can be employed. When you’re old, you already experienced your working years, or at least the vast majority of them. There’s no real point. Like joining the Greek system as a senior. (There are less costly resume boosing activities at that point.) My Grandma doesn’t remember who she is, let alone who I am. It’s time to put her down. I know it’s hard.
Hookups and Slobs
My Favorite Holiday!
Is that really all you have to say? You could have at least stretched this to “Hello!” Congrats on writing the shortest personal to ever exist in The Medium.
Happy Halloween everyone!
Hi!
There is a hole in my shirt. And that is a big problem! Is it least in a sexy position? I mean, a hole in the chest beats a hole in the armpit. Halloween weekend is going to be great! I’m gonna hook up with every boy dressed as a banana I can find. I hate to break it to you, but most guys that dress as bananas are compensating for something. I mean they have small penises on average.
Be sure to eat all the candy you can get your hands on! And by candy, I mean alcohol. Don’t ask how you eat alcohol, or hold it in your hands.
Social Issues
Social Media
So I kind of fell in love with my TA. Is there a way to pursue that without being creepy?
How do people get 100+ likes on Instagram? Do that many people actually like you? Is it the booty? What if there is no booty? Idk.
Now that my exams are over, I’m going to celebrate Personals Editor thingy, can with excessive amounts of you help me settle a bet? alcohol! My friend thinks that when we go out Saturday night, You sent this on a Sunday we will see three people morning. Please tell me you wearing Trump costumes. I didn’t mean that immediately. think there will be 58. What do you think? Not that I haven’t done the
Political Stuff
See if you can find the apple in this picture.
Did... did you just call me a thingy? To answer your question, there will be countless people with Trump costumes. So if you get drunk enough, you’ll both be right! Who is the next VP? I don’t know. I’m not psychic. Wait, does hypnotism count as psychic? Because I can do that. Are we voting for other polititians rn? I don’t want to be the asshole who only votes every 4 years.
Our meetings are on Wednesday, 7:45 P.M. at room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center. Just thought you guys should know.
We still have the legistative branch to vote for. It’s not just about whether Orange Hitler or Aunt Nixon becomes president. How many scarves are too many? Two. In fact, even one is pushing it. It’s like 64 degrees, grow a spine.
same thing, mind you.
I wish it was socially acceptable to use horses as a mode of transportation again. I was born in the wrong century. You’re in control of a beast that can run at around 44 miles per hour and weighs more than half a ton. You can do whatever the fuck you want. If your image is still important to you for whatever reason, just go to Cook. You’ll blend in there.
Gays and Suicide Homosexuals are GAY! I don’t believe you. I want to kill myself, don’t try to talk me out of it please. I want to talk you out of it, but it appears your mind is made up. So at least swallow a lot of popcorn kernels right before you die so that when your cremated you can make popcorn.
Don’t post pictures of your food. Nobody wants to look at someone else’s food. I miss MySpace. Facebook just isn’t the same. You can’t bombard people with pop music and confetti on a Facebook page! You just described why MySpace is never coming back.
Misc. Hey Dickbutt vandal, if you’re going to draw Dickbutts all over campus, you should at the very least draw it correctly. There is a dick sticking out of his butt. That’s what makes it a Dickbutt. I’ll let the Dickbutt vandal know, thank you for your comment. MY LAPTOP IS STUCK ON CAPS LOCK MODE. I EMAILED MY PROFESSOR AND NOW SHE THINKS I’M SENDING HER AGRESSIVE VIBES. DID I MENTION THAT SHE’S INTO LEATHER AND BRANDING? PLEASE HELP Good thing for you, your professor is actually into pleather. As long as you don’t shop at Jo-Ann, you’re in the clear.
IT’S CALLED FASHION, BITCH
CLINTON PANICKING OVER INAUGURATION OUTFIT BY JIMBO FRUGALOOP MIA FOR THE PAST THREE WEEKS
WASHINGTON D.C.- With only two weeks left until this historic election comes to a climactic, earthshattering end, and Hillary Clinton, confident in her win that she will be our next Commander-in-Chief, is now stressed over a much more daunting objective: High Fashion. Clinton has made it her prerogative throughout her career and campaign to dress for the job she wants and not the job she has, and in her case the President is one snazzy bitch. However, after nailing her debate attire with the clever red, blue, and white scheme, she now feels that she cannot live up to expectations for her inauguration ceremony. “I can’t wait to see how that gorgeous trendsetter is going to look with her fab hand on the bible. It’s basically what I’m looking forward to most this year” says supporter Joana Morrison. Obviously as the first woman in office she could not use the common tactic of alluding to the attires previous presidents chose for their inaugurations, such as Gerald Ford’s reproduction of John F. Kennedy’s famous black shirt/red tie combination. Instead, Hillary will have to break new ground and embrace the spotlight, with a million eyes looking at her outfit and judging her for the choice of pant suit color and matching shoes. While going through the rainbow in her head, our inside sources have found that Clinton has narrowed her choices down to lovable orange, fearless black, and trustworthy green. “I just have so many good qualities that can be represented through expression in my physical appearance, it’s too difficult a choice! I need something that screams ‘Presidential’ but also says, ‘Hey, I’m just a regular human gal like everyone else’” said Clinton, when asked about her email scandal. Many historians are calling this the most impactful decision that a future president will have to make before entering office, and as the confident and powerful woman that she is, almost everyone believes she can live up to the hype. WHY DO THEY THINK HAVE A CHANCE AT BEING PRESIDENT? WE’RE GENUINELY CURIOUS. TWEET US @THEMEDIUMRU WITH YOUR ANSWERS
Is the election making you sick, too? Are you wondering what we as a country have done to deserve this? Do you know why people want to vote for Stein or Johnson? Come on down to the Medium on Wednesdays in room 411B at 7:45! We filter absolutely fucking NOTHING Also bring some friends. We are really lonely here.
October 26Th, 2016 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com LIFE IS RUFF.
SEEING EYE PUPPY CLUB INTERRUPTS FRISBEE GOLF INTRAMURAL GAME BY MIKE HAWK PUN ENTHUSIAST
PISCATAWAY— Rutgers seeing eye puppy club becomes more diverse as they allow more types of dogs to become service dogs. Previously, seeing eye dogs have been limited to only certain breeds but here at our very own Rutgers New Brunswick, they have taken the initiative to be inclusive in the types of dogs they allow to be groomed for service. When asked about the change a spokesperson for the club had this to say. “We decided to provide a more equal opportunity environment for all kinds of dogs. I think it is safe to say that there was a problem with the way we as people treat other kinds of dogs and the first step to fixing the problem is acknowledging that there is one.” This has led to a great increase in the number of dogs present on campus as well
EVERY DOG HAS ITS DAY Black lab, Buckly, is rewarded for successful catch
as an increase in the number of trainers. Dogs and their trainers have run rampant around New Brunswick, causing distractions all around campus. The most notable distraction being the complete disruption of frisbee golf games here at Rutgers. The Rutgers Intramural Sports Association (RISA) has received a lot of complaints from students just
trying to enjoy their evening with a nice relaxing game of frisbee golf. We have collected some of the written complaints and have them presented here to you for you to form an opinion on whether the hatred toward the dogs are warranted or not. “These dogs make no contribution to society!” exclaimed one very angry student, “I mean they’re kinda
DON'T PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH
BY THE NUMBERS
117 Our football team's ranking, according to CBSsports.com
298 Total number of points allowed by the football team this year
Retired Wrestler Launches Political Campaign
148
NEW
Total number of points scored by the football team this year
0 Number of Bowl we're expected to attend this year
cute, I just hate the fact that they just shit everywhere” said another, and finally, “This used to be a nice neighborhood with nice dogs, until all of these other types came along.” It appears the student body has a mixed reception of the new influx of dogs. The sheer increase in the number of animals on campus has caused huge sidewalk traffic jams because of students stopping to pet the service dogs. Accompanied with the traffic jams is an uproar from the professors here at Rutgers NB. Before, the dogs were able to lay down quietly during lecture but have been shown to become more rowdy in groups, causing major disruptions during class. It is clear to see that we as a community need to become more accepting of the different kinds of dogs here on campus.
BY SOON TO BE DEAD REPORTER NOT DEAD YET
YORK— Former WWE we’re both paid by the same
Superstar Jason “The Table Hurler” Campbell has announced his intention to run for local office. Last year, The Table Hurler suffered a serious leg injury by falling off the arena after successfully defeating his arch rival, Frankie “Eyeball Eater” Jones. “He should’ve been more careful, I mean, a fourteen inch fall is nothing to sneeze at.” Lamented Paul Staton, The Table Hurler’s manager. The Table Hurler decided to run for local office after realizing that politics and professional wrestling are essentially the same thing.“I’m used to a career that’s based almost entirely on flashy showmanship. Take my relationship with the Eyeball Eater, for example. We pretended to be opponents, choreographed our moves in advance, and
WE WERE SO CLOSE SInce 1970
companies. Hell, the matches have predetermined outcomes!” Mr. Table Hurler explained. Wikileaks released emails proving that the primaries were rigged earlier this year. The revelation strengthened the idea that switching to politics would be a natural choice.The Table Hurler later stated that becoming a politician that flip-flops his opinions excessively would be a further extension of his old habits of switching between being a face and a heel depending on the situation at hand and the needs of the WWE. When asked what his policies are, The Table Hurler simply stated that the easiest way to get elected would probably be to research the viewpoints of both presidential candidates, and claim his views are as far away as theirs as possible.