This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
INSTA: @themediumRU
october 5th, 2016
Volume LII Issue IV 50¢ POWERDISAPPOINTING
PROFESSOR STILL CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE POWERPOINT BY GRIND ALL TECH-SAVVY STUDENT
During a class on Friday, Carl Talson of the history department at Rutgers declared he was "normally very tech savvy" while having trouble starting a power point presentation. Hunched over a laptop with his glasses resting on the brim of his nose, Talson was said to be muttering "I don't know what's happening guys. I am normally very good with computers. Why won't this thing start?" Witnesses say that he seemed to have no concept of a how a computer worked as he continued to blindly click around the screen hopelessly trying to find a way to present the PowerPoint. "It was hard to watch. He just kept clicking around like he was having a seizure," said one student. "It was so awkward, it was dead silent except for his angry muttering and erratic
Donald Trump's Mic Smells Good "PULLING OUT EVERY EXCUSE" Carl Talson takes one more go at the offending laptop after five minutes of fruitless clicking.
clicks". As the clicking intensified, many students took it upon themselves and elected to leave the lecture. The remaining students watched in pain for another 10 minutes as Talson minimized and maximized the window over and over again
until one student sheepishly pointed out the "Present PowerPoint" button at the bottom of the screen. After finally clicking the button Talson was said to have sighed happily saying, "See I told you guys I was good with computers".
Douglass Girl Gets Revenge by Biting Mosquitos The mosquito population residing at Douglass campus has waned considerably during the last couple of weeks. This is explained partly because the weather is getting colder and many species of birds, such as mosquitos, respond by flying south for the winter. Sophomore Katie Carter is working to bite the remaining population into submission. “All summer, bugs have bitten my body whenever I had the audacity to walk outside for more than five minutes or so. It’s time I give them a taste of their own medicine!” Said Carter. Carter eventually decided to seek her revenge by biting due to
READ OUR PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE BREAKDOWN INSIDE!
Moe's Queso Extra Creamy This Week
THEY GOT WHAT THEY DESERVED
BY ARNOLD PALMS "GIVE HEAD" REPORTER
QUICKIES
a combination of a biologically hardwired desire to destroy her enemies in the same way they attacked her, and the fact that punching small flying things is actually quite difficult. “Punches and kicks have a relatively small surface area, making dodging trivial. I mean these fuckers have been rumored to dodge goddamn raindrops! I don’t know if it’s accurate though,” said Rutgers School of Environmental and Biological Sciences Student Andrea McGuire. McGuire later explained that biting is most efficient due to the wide area open mouths have. She studies mosquitos and other disease carrying creatures, so she theoretically would have
knowledge in this area. Carter’s efforts have been estimated by herself to have decreased the mosquito population by 25%. This appears to be plausible, as a mosquito with bite marks was discovered in Neilson Dining Hall. “So I was just sitting there eating my bagel, and a mosquito with human like bite marks just flies over in a zigzag pattern and lands on my arm. I’ve never seen anything quite like that.” Said Rutgers junior Warren Egizi. Time will tell if Carter's efforts to bite the mosquito population into submission will be successful. One thing we can all agree on in the meantime is that Katie Carter is a true hero of Rutgers University.
FACE DOWN, ASS UP Since 1970
Cookies Dipped in Milk Still Best Way to Cope With Miserable GPA Carrot Top Dies Kim Kardashian Meets Rob Kardashian in Paris Absurdly Long and Unfunny Quickie Takes Up The Entire Bottom Right Hand Corner of The Front Page
the Medium
NEWS
Wednesday, October 5h 2016
themedium.news@gmail.com
"BRING BACK ALY MICHALKA"
THIS DID NOT HAPPEN
WELL THIS IS NEW
Everyone in Haiti Dies in Matzah Ball Dropped for Preparation for Hurricane The Jewish New Year Matthew BY YAM E. KAH RESIDENT JEW
BY SWEET DICK WILLIE DISGRUNTLED WEATHERMAN
NEW YORK- Rosh Hashanah "the head of the year" started on Sunday night, October 2, and went until Tuesday night, the 4. Yes, the Jewish New Year is three days long, they go hard. The 5777th year of the prosperous chosen people's calendar started with a bang at the Rutgers Chabad, known colloquially as the Jewish Castle of College Ave. Monday was the first annual Matzah Ball drop. Hundreds of bubbes (jewish grandmas) were exported to the Chabad kitchen where they worked tirelessly to craft the biggest matzah ball the world has ever seen. One bubbe, Lorraine said, "My dear mensch of a grandson Bobby Bergstein is a straight A engineering student at Rutgers. He couldn't come home for the holiday this year because of some fraternizing event, so I thought I'd come up all the way from Ft. Lauderdale to give him a taste of home. I make the best matzah ball soup". After cooking the matzah ball, it was pulled up the flagpole for the ball drop ceremony. Freshman Rebecca Goldschwartz commented, "It's my first year at Rutgers and I just wanted to see what all the ruckus is about. I want to experience matzah balls falling
from the sky". Hordes of Jewish students crowded around the Chabad for the joyous occasion. Everyone started counting down in Hebrew from ten. Once the ball dropped, small pieces of confetti in the shape of Stars of David fell from the sky. Later, the rabbi sounded the shofar, which kinda of sounds like rhythmic beat boxing. Goyum in the crowd were confused during the festivities, but still enjoyed servings of the delicious food. It was a festive start to the new year. Keep up the good vibes until next week when the day of atonement hits and you spend the day reflecting on all the bad things you've ever done.
"Seriously his hand was always up," said one student. "I would fucking pray every time that he would get the answer wrong and today it finally happened. It feels good". BY GRIND ALL RESIDENT HATER The question was apparently about the Holocaust. Professor NEW BRUNSWICK—After a yesterday. Greggs had been on three week streak of never getting fire, answering every question Robert Banks asked the class a question wrong, witnesses with such certain confidence how Hitler died, a question he say teachers pet Randy Gregg's and pretentiousness that his thought would be easy. "I saw Randy shoot his hand actually got a question incorrect demise was anticipated by the up again and thought 'Not this in his European History class class.
motherfucker again' but no one else was raising their hand" said Banks. Greggs then was said to have opened his mouth to confidentally say, "The Americans shot him!" to which the class fell into a dead silence as Banks finally said, "No... I'm sorry" shattering Greggs' world. No word as to whether Greggs will be back to himself next class.
HAITI—This week, the entire country of Haiti is preparing for the impending arrival of Hurricane Matthew by simultaneously dying. The category 4 hurricane is projected to make landfall in southwestern Haiti with sustained wind speeds of 140+ miles per hour. Rather than deal with all of the mudslides, power and communications losses, and general havoc brought about by the torrential wind and rain, the people of Haiti collectively just died. “Honestly, it’s probably easier this way,” says Noah Bennet, recently deceased. “This whole place is beyond fucked. My roof is going to blow off and probably knock another seven
houses down. I cut off the side of a shipping container and just fucking zip-tied it to the top of my house. That’s all it is.” "We’re looking into more effective hurricane preparation measures for Haiti in the future. We don’t want to ever have to do this again,” says Miami based meteorologist Howard Hayes. “It’s truly devastating, and could have been avoided with careful planning.” Hayes, among other experts, is puzzled at Haiti's preparation strategy. An entire country dying in preparation of a natural disaster is completely unprecedented. This is probably going to be the last hurricane Haiti will have to prepare for several years to come.
DEVELOPING
Teacher's Pet Finally Gets Something Wrong
Editorial Staff Fall 2016
Editor-in-Chief Andrew Blustein Managing Editor Sifat Mahbub Business Manager Andrej Eftimov Mascot Fratypus
NewsEdtors James Mullen III Aly Grindall Opinions Editor Jake Goldstein Arts Editor Dan Um Personals Editor Connor McCarthy Page A7 Editor Jordan Plaut Features Editor Darcy Ritt
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Michael Okolo Kevin McClintock Jake Goldstein Landen Naphtali William Field Clowns
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. This week's issue is dedicated to our nation's veterans.
Wednesday, October 5th, 2016 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
the Medium
“Alex Trebek makes me severely uncomfortable.”
SO MANY WERDS
THE MEDIUM XWORD PUZZLE ACROSS 1. The best kind of tripod DOWN 1. The musical genius of this, or any, generation 2. Admit it-- you do this while pooping 3. Would make a better president than Trump 4. I will graduate Rutgers with a degree and an ______ 5. I wanna pretend that I hate them so I can be hipster, but they actually sexy AF ANSWERS:
Down: 1. rkelly, 2. tinder, 3. mayonnaise, 4. std, 5. manbuns Across: 1. dickandballs
WE COULD REALLY LEARN FROM THE ITALIANS
10 Jewish Foods to Honor the Jewish New Year By Bubbe Rose
1. Gefilte fish: it’s multiple kinds of mashed up fish formed into large blobs 2. Cow tongue: you can find it at your local jewish deli-ask for the tip 3. Chopped liver: we Jews are very resourceful 4. Matzah: it’s like crackers without any of the flavor 5. Borscht-cold: beet soup-what part doesn’t sound appetizing? 6. Kishkeh: stuffed cow intenstine-like sausage, but gross 7. Kugel: a delicious noodle casserole, either sweet or savory 8. Blintzes: all kinds of fruits or cheeses wrapped in a flavorless pastry dough 9. Bagels and lox: nothing like really salty fish with my bagel and cream cheese 10. Matzah balls: okay, these are delicious, a great excuse to be sick is a bowl full of grandma’s matzah ball soup
Come to our meetings! Wednesdays, 7:45pm-8:45pm Room 411B in the College Avenue Student Center
¡PENDEJO!
Obscure Youtube Movie Review of the Week By LATIN MAMA So if you’re like me and are too cheap to buy Netflix, fear not— Youtube’s got your back with a wide selection of obscure films to choose from! I mostly watch Spanish movies (besides the occasional PornHub flick, of course). My most recent Youtube endeavor, “Igualita a mí” (“Just like me,” in English) was most definitely worth the hour and 52 minutes of my time—and I’ll tell you why! Fredy, a single, forty-something businessman by day/partyboy by night goes into the club and begins hitting on this younger woman, Aylín. He accidentally spills his drink on her and convinces her to come back to his apartment. Once they get there, he puts on some romantic music and dims the lights (¡ay ay ay!), right before he grabs her and starts kissing her neck. Right at that precise moment, Aylín pulls an old photograph out of her pocket—in the photo is Fredy along with Aylín’s mom. She then says that there is a 33.333% chance that Fredy is her father. I could not have thought of a better time to tell a man he may be my father than when he is giving me a hickey! I almost lost my shit right then and there, but things got spicier. They go to a paternity clinic….and, drumroll please….old Spanish club-goer, YOU ARE THE FATHER (**a la Maury Povich**)! And….the daughter is pregnant! Then the doctor makes some perverted, painfully-disturbing joke about the father being both the grandfather and the father of the girl’s baby. Turns out he’s not, THANK GOD. If you want to hear some incredibly uncomfortable jokes about incest, or just think Spanish accents are sexy (which they ARE), I highly recommend this film! Overall rating: 33.333 stars
the Medium
OPINIONS
“I want to inflate my roommate’s pillow with farts.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What did you do for Rosh Hashanah?
“I spent the day davening at Beth Israel. They had a great lunch spread.”
Moshe Finkelstein Has unhealthy relationship with mother.
“What the fuck is Rosh Hashanah?” Jimmy MacMillan
“I partied like it’s 5777.”
Drake Wants to feel like a member of the community. THIS MIGHT ACTUALLY WORK
A Fix to the Rutgers Bus System BY SMITHSON SMITTHERSMITH It’s evident that the Rutgers bus system is not adequate for the sheer size of a school such as this. During trying times, the next available bus can be as far as an hour away, by which point your deadline would be long gone, along with your confidence in the Scarlet transportation system. However, when you are able to get on, you’re squished into a roaring sea of your exasperated peers, and you pray that the bus driver takes their lefts slow, else you’ll fall into the lap of your one classmate who asks the most idiotic questions, and you’ve done such a great job of avoiding eye contact up until this point. These problems are amplified when the weather is on its worst behavior, which seems to be twice a week in central Jersey. So, without further ado, I’d like to present to you, the reader, my solution to Rutgers’ transportation problem: The Rutgers’ bus system will run as normal, with the exception of one bus. The bus driver of this particular bus will, whenever possible, take a bus at its max capacity, and drive it off the bridge into the Raritan. I believe this amendment to the bus system will assist in creating a more efficient and friendly bus system for multiple reasons.
Wednesday, October 5th, 2016
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
THIS SHIT IS WHY I EAT TWIX
I Have an Existential Crisis Whenever I Eat a Kit Kat.
BY REESE WONKA Have you ever had a kit kat? I’m going to assume the answer is yes, because if you haven’t you’re a good damn fucking communist. So let’s have a chat about kit kats. I’m not sure if you’ve ever eaten a kit kat and looked on the inside, but I have. And it’s fucking insane. Every time I eat a kit kat I have a major existential crisis. You see, kit kats are made of layers of wafer and coated in chocolate. But in between those layers are these crumbs. Ever think about what those crumbs are? I doubt it, you’re probably normal in the brain. Well let me let you in on a little secret. Those fucking crumbs, those things that make kit kats so good? Those are CRUSHED UP KIT KAT. You heard me right, fucking CRUSHED UP KIT KAT. Now this raises the question. WHERE THE FUCK DID THE FIRST KIT KAT COME FROM? What was in it? It couldn’t be a kit kat without crushed up kit kats in it, but if it had crushed up kit kats in it, then it couldn’t have been the first kit kat. So where the fuck did it come from? Are kit kats proof of time travel? There’s no other explanation. Sure you might say to me, well maybe they just made one without crushed kit kats and then crushed that up. But then what about the third one? Or the fourth? It just doesn’t fucking make sense. Whenever I eat these kit kats, I question what everything is in life. How did we get here? How did kit kats get here? Now let’s talk about the other elephant in the room. Let’s just assume that they have the first kit kat, and make a small batch without the crushed up kit kats. So then you get some defective kit kats in the new batch ok? So you crush them up and use them in the next batch, then in that batch you get some defective ones, so again you crush them up, put them in the next batch. But guess what? That batch has some defective ones too, so you crush those up, remember, at this point you have kit kats that have crushed up kit kats from two batches ago. So you keep fucking doing this, over and over again. More and more batches, more and more crushed up kit kats, and you project this forward. THEORETICALLY, YOU MIGHT BE EATING KIT KATS THAT HAVE CRUMBS IN THEM FROM ONE HUNDRED YEARS AGO. That’s fucking insane, seriously, you’re eating hundred year old kit kat. Those things were made when your great-grandparents were fucking and making your grandparents. It’s insane. Kit kats are the most insane fucking candy in the world. Not only might they be the only proof we have of time travel, they also might have pieces in them from before the first World War. It’s fucking scary, kit kats freak me out. They shouldn’t fucking exist, but they do. Everytime I eat them I wonder who I am. So keep eating kit kats until science figures out where the hell they came from.
The Medium meets Wednesdays at 7:45PM in room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center. Show up on time or you’ll miss the child sacrifice! We also meet on Mondays in 117D in the Livingston Student Center. Come, I swear to God, it’s fun, also if you like to write send in opinions to themedium.opinions@gmail.com
Wednesday, October 5th, 2016
themedium.arts@gmail.com
“LINE” BY 1234567890
“THIS IS REAL” BY DANKUM
JOIN THE MEDIUM! PLEASE. IT GIVES ME LESS WORK. FOLLOW US ON INSTA @THEMEDIUMRU MEETINGS MONDAYS 8PM (LIVI STUDENT CENTER 117D) WEDNESDAYS 7:45PM (COLLEGE AVE STUDENT DICK OF THE WEEK: “COWBOY PENIS” BY DANKUM
ARTS “8====[)~~~”
“A GREAT NIGHT” BY SAWYER
the Medium
PERSONALS
the Medium
“I keep forgetting to trim my fingernails.”
Suspicious and Boring People I want to kill myself. Well we’re starting off this weeks personals on a cheery note. I’m looking forward to the hurricane! I’d love an excuse to not go to class. It’ll be a great experience if you’re new to hurricanes! When one hit my freshman year, I ran outside in the hurricane just so I could say I did. I almost got blown away and I was a obese tub of lard back then. Also the chances of Rutgers cancelling class are about the same as the chances of Donald Trump earning a degree in neurobiology.
You know what’s suspicious? Banana juice and anything that has it as an ingredient. I’ve eaten many bananas in a vain attempt to be hot, and I’ve never noticed any juice. Where does it actually come from? That’s actually a really good point. What IS banana juice? Why don’t I have more followers on my twitter? I have no idea. Maybe you’re uninteresting? Can we elect neither Trump or Clinton and just go without a leader? I want to just take a hunk of wood, draw a face on it, and elect it as president. It would be less pathetic.
I just found out that Moe’s doesn’t have ice cream. I’ve never been so confused and disappointed in my life.
What the hell is a gay transgender person? Don’t they cancel each other out? Ok, it’s like this. Transgendered people and sexuality aren’t connected in any way. Ergo, your question is like asking “If computers get smaller and smaller as technology marches on, why are Cheez-Its delicious? Last weekend I gut drunk with my boys and went to Scarlet Fever and we were extremely disappointed. It’s like a school spirit shop, but the name makes it sound like a strip club! Isn’t Scarlet Fevera a bacterial illness? I know strip clubs aren’t exactly clean for the most part, but it would be a horrible business decision to remind potential customers that. Who wants to worry about what diseases you might get during your lap dance? I wish it was socially acceptable to lick the people next to you when you’re packed into the buses like sardines. I mean, you’re close enough that it’s not only possible, but a natural reaction.
National boyfriend day is about the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. As much as the very concept of commitment terrifies me, It’s not the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of. Have you ever had the misfortune to see somebody that wears socks and sandals? Yik Yak was ruined and I don’t know what to do with my life. There are other, better apps. I recommend SimStapler.
We have more chairs than we use and it feels awkward seeing empty chairs during the meeting.
themedium.personals@gmail.com
Misconceptions
I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I completely agree with a personal someone sent me.
Come to our meetings on Wednesdays at 7:45pm in the Rutgers Student Center, Room 411B!
Wednesday, October 5h, 2016
What’s your favorite sex position? How many times do I have to teach people about boundaries? That’s not something you ask a stranger. Their are voices in my head telling me to kill people. Don’t listen. Everybody dies eventually, so it’s a waste of time.
One of the most overrated concepts is the general concept of love. It was created by Hallmark to sell cards. Also dental visits are more fun than crushes.
Shocking Revelations
What’s the point of that statue behind the Zimmerli art museum? He’s kinda shady.
When I first met him it was late and I was drunk so I thought he was an actual person for a minute. He is shady by the standards of inanimate objects. Who comments on porn videos? Seriously? The same people who comment on personal pages. What’s the point of water bottles? Not only does water FALL FROM THE SKY, but it also comes from the sinks of practically every building, for free. It’s a rip off! You can’t easily carry tap water when you leave the house. That’s what water bottles are for. If you drink them at home, you’re doing it wrong. Glasses just get in the way. Why can’t the government mandate contacts in their health plans? It’s simple. Contacts are really creepy when you think about it. They only work if you go against your biologically hardwired desire to not have foreign objects touch your eyes. I suspect the government is at least trying to seem friendly to the masses. Also Healthcare is done by private corporations.
I found out where my crush works and I’m resisting the urge to stalk him. There’s a difference between stalking and just happening to show up where they work because you like their product. I wear cargos and my dorm mates tell me I look like a retard. Well that’s because you’ve earned it. Here’s a pick up line I thought of; Girl, are you the Alley? Because you smell like poop. Once one of my friends tried to pick up a girl by walking up to her and saying he’s from “Bonerville” and your pick up line is STILL the worst one I’ve ever heard. I rushed a few frats and nobody offered me a bid. Guess that means I’m meant to make friends naturally without paying for them! No, It means you don’t even deserve to have a symbiolic family. Have fun going through life alone. Hey guys, I’m a law student! I’m an economics student, but that’s not how I introduce myself, as it’s not exactly the most important or distinguisable fact about myself. What’s with you?
GEORGE! GEORGE! GEORGE!
Public Can’t Remember Which V.P. is With Which Candidate BY RAUL WALKER STUNT DIVER
In the raging tire fire that is the 2016 Presidential Election, a shocking revelation came after the announcement of the Vice Presidential Debate. On the periphery of the fire, the two Vice Presidential candidates found themselves to be indiscernible in the eyes of the voters. A codependent poll has shown that a shocking 2 percent of Americans can accurately match the correct Vice Presidential nominee to their Presidential counterpart. The rest of the public has been left in a frenzy trying to determine who to label as a “racist fanatical bigot” and who is the “baby eating traitor to freedom”. Confusion has only compounded as photos of the two sub-candidates began circulating in preparation for their debate. “The overwhelming whiteness of the two really makes them hard to tell apart.” said six year sophomore Martin Straighte. “It’s like you try to look at Kaine’s face and all you see is Trump’s orange glow, you look at Pence’s face and all you see is the red blood of the innocent Americans Hillary let die.” Both Kaine and Pence have commented on this issue and confessed that they have been having the same issue. “After the debate, I actually went onto Trump’s bus by mistake” recalled Senator Tim Kaine, “We went a fourth of the way to Ohio before anyone of us noticed, Pence was there too and we all just let it ride.” Pence commented that “I thought I was supposed to be with Hillary. I just saw Trump falling all over himself at the debate and struggled to remember ‘Was this the guy who asked me to run with him?’ luckily I ended up being right. However Kaine being on the bus threw me for a loop.” CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?
Are you also tired of this election? Would you like to use satire to point out its flaw? Do you want to act as the fifth estate? Do you even know what that is? When was the last time you even went to class? You know you’re parents aren’t paying for you to just sit around and do nothing? Make your parents proud and come to a meeting! Room 411B CASC Wednesday @ 7:45 p.m.
October 5th, 2016 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com DON'T BE A DUMB-Y
ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT READYING DUMMIES TO FILL STADIUM FOR MICHIGAN GAME BY STEPHEN A. SMIFF HARDLY WORKING
PISCATAWAY—In preparation for this Saturday’s inevitable blowout loss against fourthranked Michigan, the Rutgers University athletic department is readying manikins to fill a soon-to-be empty High Point Solutions stadium. The Scarlet Knights are home underdogs, projected to lose by 28 points. Student morale is already low enough, after the University shut down The Alley, a studentonly tailgating lot, two weeks after its inception. “We certainly know the drunken student section won’t want to hang around for the second half after Rutgers is down 28-3,” said Athletic Director Pat Hobbs. “And the paying fans aren’t probably going to stick around long
"OPTIMISM" Rutgers dummies fill the stadium with more enthusiasm than students
either. This game is going to be on national television, so once every leaves, the stadium can’t look empty.” The game is scheduled for 7 p.m. and is to be aired on ESPN2. The University is
TEN THINGS Better than the Football team 2. The Rutgers Housing process
3. A freshman dorm bathroom after thirsty Thursday 4. Finals worth 45% of your grade 5. People who still yell "Fuck Penn State" at football games 6. Ohio State football program 7. You're friend who thinks they are a politician on facebook 8. People who comment on porn videos 10. Marrying poor
FROM THROWING TDS TO SELLING SUVS
GARY NOVA, WHERE IS HE NOW? BY NOT GARY NOVA RECENTLY TIRED
1. A packed LX
9. Getting stung by a bee
reportedly prepping and storing the dummies in a warehouse two miles outside the Livingston campus. The athletic department reportedly hired 60 workstudy students for the 30,000-plus-manikin project.
“It’s pretty weird to be honest,” said junior Camilla Hill, who is one of the workstudy students. “I think the people in the department raided a crash test dummy warehouse, and now they’re making us put Rutgers t-shirts and hats on them. I don’t understand why they’re doing this. Anyone with eyes will be able to tell these aren’t people. I mean look; it’s a fucking crash test dummy.” According to multiple reports, Rutgers will use these dummies for any future games that will almost definitely end in a blowout loss. The men’s basketball team is apparently excited to bring these dummies into the RAC, as they perennially fail to draw sizeable crowds, especially after going 7-25 last season.
P I S C ATAWAY — Saturday’s performance against the Ohio State Buckeyes had a couple of students reminiscing about our previous quarterback, Gary Nova. This led to The Medium reporters wondering what ye old-unfaithful is up to now that he doesn’t have to spend his time crushing our hopes and dreams while simultaneously being responsible for hundreds of freshman chanting “Fuck Penn State” two years later. Many rumors have been circulating about the space explosion’s whereabouts. The Medium asked some kids whether or not they have crossed paths with the man, the myth, the legend. “Yeah I’m pretty sure that dude is on my intramural B team. He gets sacked ALL the time! IT’S 7 ON 7!” reported
optimistic SInce 1970
one student. “I think I saw him selling cars on route 27. Like really shitty used cars too, not the nice ones.” While no one can be particularly sure where he is right now, we can all be sure he is somewhere disappointing others, just like the old times.
"INTERCEPT THESE GREAT DEALS" Gary Nova is still trying to find creatve ways to dissapoint the people around him.