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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
November 6th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE VI 50¢ NOW I CAN WATCH WITHOUT JESUS BEING MAD AT ME
PORNHUB RELEASES KID-FRIENDLY MODE, CENSORS CURSING HARRY NUTTSAAC NOT HAIRY ENOUGH
Everybody's favorite porn page is going to branch out to even more people starting early next month! The company recently posted on all MindGeek porn sites that it was going to release a new "kid-friendly" mode. All you prudes who are reading this are probably thinking, "But you have to be over 18 to watch Pornhub! Why would they need that feature?" Believe it or not, teenagers watch porn, they watch A LOT of porn. NOW IT'S AS CLEAN AS A BABY'S ASS These porn sites have no way of Still has a lot of shit on it actually checking that their users cunt, prick, any verbal noises that the site, saying that some videos are of legal age, especially not the might prompt unclean thoughts, will just be a ten-minute long beep free ones (that's why everyone and taking the Lord's name in (those are the best ones). A lot of loves Pornhub!) vain (we may watch porn, but Christian Mom organizations have The site will be censoring all we're still good Christian boys thanked Pornhub, though, saying versions of fuck, shit, piss, dick, here at The Medium). Some that the site is helping to preserve ass, bitch, tits, bastard, cum, damn, porn filmmakers have criticized the innocence of their sweet, little choad, shag, wanker, twat, pussy, children: "We all know our kids Continued on Page 2
WHO WOULD HAVE FUCKING GUESSED
TOTAL FUCKING SHOCKER, WHITE NATIONALIST IS FUCKING RACIST DISGRUNTLED LEFTY I'M NOT SALTY, YOU'RE SALTY
Over the weekend a video was leaked that showed notorious White Nationalist Richard Spencer going on a racist and antisemitic tirade following the murder of Heather Heyer at the Unite the Right Rally in 2017. This rant expressed his anger and frustration with both the murder and his constituents, who are making his movement(and by extention himself) look like exactly what they are- a violent group of White-Supremacists. Spencer was the organizer of the rally in 2017, which was an assembly of various far-right groups that were protesting the call to demolish confederate monuments; Neo-Confederates,Neo-Nazis, Blue Lives Matter Groups, the
CAN YOU GUYS BELIEVETHIS? I'M TOTALLY SHOCKED!
Klan(including the Grand Wizard David Duke), and others were all present. Richard Spencer’s whole shtick has been to make the White Nationalist movement more acceptable in the public discourse: not wearing swastikas, using soft
language to disguise horrible ideas, and keeping the mention of the Jewish Question to a minimum. Despite this veneer of civility, the video unmasks his true nature— showcasing his unhinged Continued on Page 2
PUNCHIN' NAZIS Since 1970
QUICKIES
Beauty Vlogger Facing Backlash Over Claiming to "Lynch" Her Blackheads Man Does Wife's Eulogy With a Borat Impression Kanye Staffs All InvoluntaryCelibate Choir for Next Gospel Album Local Socially Anxious Couple Graduates from Class to Weather Discussion Phase Gushers But They're Full of Lube Local Woman Exhausted After a Long Day of Doing Fucking Nothing God Prefers Life of Pablo
OK BOOMER
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NEWS
Wednesday, November 6rd, 2019
"I'm just here to eat ass and die, what else is there?"
I'M GONNA RAM MY [REDACTED] IN YOUR EAR EVERYONE'S AN EXPERT watch porn, so we pushed them to watch Mormon porn so they know the importance of proper, god-fearing sex. Now, they have the perfect site to watch good, clean porn." Not only are they censoring all the no-no words from their videos, but Pornhub is also relabeling different sections that might be considered inconsiderate or offensive; "ebony" is now going to be "African American," "MILF" is going to be "MILMSLT: Mothers I'd Like to Make Sweet Love To," "Asian" is changing to "we don't see race," "mature" is going to be "someone's grandma, you perve,"
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MILO YIANOPOLIS & GAVIN MCINNES TOO MAKE YOUR DONATION
...continued from front
egomaniacal personality while screaming about how he rules the world and that his ancestors enslaved the Jews(except he used a less nice word), while his friends laughed in the background. The signs were all there, he may have been shrouding his message but it was still the same— the creation of a white ethno-state in the United States. Yet, this fucking clown got invited to go on CNN THREE months ago, to give his opinions on Trump’s tweets. I don’t know about you, but I frankly don’t give shit about what some fucking neo-nazi scum has to say about Trump’s tweets. I guarantee this leak will spawn two weeks of media coverage as they pat
"teen" will be "it's ok to not have sex as a teen, you'll get around to it when you're comfortable," and "big tits" will be "don't be ashamed of your massive tits." I don't know about you, but we here at The Medium really look forward to using Pornhub's new site 24/7, just constantly w*nking it.
FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA FB: THE MEDIUM IG: THEMEDIUMRU TW: THEMEDIUMRU
...continued from front
themselves on the back for calling out this guy’s racism; give me a fucking break. Congratulations America you discovered that the guy, that calls himself a WHITE NATIONALIST is a fucking racist; real good sluething their, Jesus Christ. Oh but let’s all listen to the President, whom people like Duke and Spencer have openly supported, say that there were bad people on both sides— really helpful their guy. Now if you excuse me, I’m gonna smoke a joint, make a bubble bath, and watch the video of Spencer getting punched in the face on loop for a couple hours.
WHY CAN'T MY DRONES JUST DELIVER ME PIZZA, AND NOT KILL UNARMED CIVILIANS
USAF RECRUITERS BRING REAL PREDATOR DRONE GROUND CONTROL CONSOLES TO RU CAREER SERVICES BY BRADLEY “BRAD” TANNER, STREETWISE COLLATERAL DAMAGE CORRESPONDENT
Editorial Staff Fall 2019
Editor-in-Chief Zachary Fox Managing Editor Vickram Singh Business Manager Shaina Joseph Mascot Long-Island Medium
College Ave, New Brunswick- In the monotonous environment of a lecture hall, the curriculum's application to the real world can sometimes feel frustratingly obtuse and irrelevant. Why are grown adults made to participate in infantile quiz games, prostrating icebreakers, and ritualistic bukkake circles inside the abandoned Loree Bowling Alley? Fortunately, those uncertainties will soon be a thing of the past at Rutgers: eventually, every University Career Services facility will be furnished with a fully-operational ground control station for a real Predator drone! Upon qualifying for a waiver, psychological evaluation, and rigorous training program, student interns will receive gainful, handson combat experience in urban warfare! Fort Dix Air Force Captain Keith Soldat opened up with frank candor about co-sponsoring the program. “It can be a lot putting these kids in the thick of a warzone, but when I peer into the whites of their eyes, I see nothing but immense potential. Most of them have lived through nearly twenty consecutive years of senseless extrajudicial killings in the foreground, and most applicants would be elated to perpetuate twenty more. Or forty. News Editors Samuel Hammer
Opinions Editor Arts Editor Personals Editor Page A7 Editor Features Editor
Michael Celletti Dhvani Mashru Brendan Suszynski Dan Cretella Kelly Manniello
Or however many it takes.” According to the Bureau of Investigative Journalism, 98% of those killed in drone strikes are estimated to be civilian casualties, which makes eagle eyes, marksmanship, and bloodlust all the more marketable! The last thing the three-letter agencies want when barraging a village with Hellfires is no-no PR, and inside the pit, interns will learn all about the inand-outs of such public relations, interpersonal regulations, and infant cadavers acidified in white phosphorous. “Yeah, some girl caked the whole damn prelim test facility in tears and vomit after this little rendezvous with some Afghani maternity ward, wishing she was never born, all this self-pitiful hogwash. Look, Lockheed-Martin is the only defense contractor with a female CEO; we would love more progressive representation in our field, but that candidate just didn’t have the particular stoic, girlboss, slay kween energy we were looking for.” The program is slated to begin next semester. Expected benefits include college credit, exposure, and on-sight CAPS counseling for the first 2-4 years of irreparable guilt and posttraumatic stress. Sports Editor Copy Editor Copy Editor Treasurer Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Advait Suvarnakar Quinlan Van Es Ikjot Tagore Kelly Manniello Max Broggi-Sumner William Field Richard Spencer
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to my parents, Happy Anniversary!
Wednesday, November 6th, 2019 themedium.features@gmail.com
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FEATURES “Happy National Men’s Health Month!”
PUFF PUFF PLEASE DADDY
Top 10 Reasons to Smoke on Campus By: Penn A. Trayshun
1) You’re a rebel. They tell you to stand at least 30 feet away from buildings when you kill your lungs. Don’t listen to authority figures in life. Ask yourself this: Would Mitch McConnell be as successful as he is now if he had obeyed the law? 2) Life is too long. You could get hit by a car anyway, so you might as well take your future into your own hands and seal your own fate by smoking a lot. A really hot girl said that’s sexy (she died from lung cancer last year, but that’s not important). 3) Vaping is too dangerous. Have you seen all of those deaths in the news related to vaping? Smoke instead to avoid that risk. 4) Juuling is for middle schoolers who haven’t hit puberty. Does that represent you? 5) You’ll smell like smoke. That’s better than mango pods, am I right?
WE WANT THE CUM. GIVE US THE CUM.
Ten MORE Places to Jack Off on Campus By Trumped Donald
1) Out the 8th floor window of Hill Center 2) In the middle of an empty field at Rutgers Gardens 3) In the stands during the football game (no one will be there anyway) 4) In the back of the REXB at 2 AM 5) On the Tree Lobster (Lord Snipp needs a shower too) 6) In the backyard of Frat houses at 2 AM (everyone will be passed out drunk, extra points for each backyard hit in under an hour) 7)During the Big Chill 5K (when you’re in last place no one will notice) 8) In your dorm room (clout gained if done while your roommate is still there and doesn’t see) 9) In Brower on the salad (it will taste the same anyway)
6) You can chill with the bus drivers when they take smoke breaks. What could be cooler than that?
10) During your midterm (you’re already failing at this point, who cares)
7) Your smokescreen will repel all the mosquitoes. If you live on Cook/Douglass, this is a must in the fall, late winter, spring...hell, the entire year.
What Should You Major in Based on the First Letter of Your Name?
8) You can upgrade to a chad-level smoking pipe at some point. Enough said. Not even the geese will fuck with you.
The * signifies a major not available at Rutgers
9) People will think you are at least 15 years older than you actually are. Who doesn’t want their skin to wrinkle and their voice to be a little messed up? That’s badass! 10) You won’t have to worry about saving money. You’ll spend it all on a pack a day, you rad chainsmoker.
NOVEMBER IS FINALLY HERE! COME TO THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS ON WEDNESDAYS FROM 7:45 - 8:45 IN THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ROOM 109 BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO ! JOIN US, DADDY!
FINALLY, I CAN MAJOR IN PUPPET ARTS!
By Heywood Jablomi
A: Astrobiology* B: Bagpiping* C: Cannabis Cultivation* D: Digital Currency* E: Ecogastronomy* F: Floral Management* G: Gunsmithing* H: Herbalism* I: Interpreting & Translating* J: Jazz Studies* K: Knowledge Management* L: Logic* M: Mortuary Science* N: Nannying* O: Organ Performance* P: Puppet Arts* Q: Quantity Surveying* R: Recreation and Leisure Studies* S: Sexualities Studies* (Rutgers offers this as a minor but not a major) T: Theme Park Engineering* U: Urology* V: Viticulture and Enology (winemaking)* W: Wildlife* X: please just change your fucking name Y: Youth Psychology* Z: Zoology*
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, November 6th, 2019
"No matter how bad today may seem, it can always get worse."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What's your game plan to overcome No Nut November this year? "I've been going to church a lot. There's no greater turn off than doing something that would make my grandma happy." Brent Simon Habitual rebel
"I became a pedophile. It's way harder to jerk off when your favorite porn is illegal." Zeke Henderson Coaches peewee soccer
"I downloaded nude mods for every video game I own. I'm just desensitized at this point." Derek West Oppressed gamer WE REALLY WILL LET ANYONE WRITE FOR US
Racists are too Sensitive these Days BY DAVID DUKE
Back in my day, us racists knew what we were doing. We’d meet up every few weeks to engage in some good-old fashioned group polarization, smash the windows of black businesses, and maybe even attack a [redacted] if we found one. Sure, the occasional strong white man isn’t afraid to show those [redacted] their place, but most of these modern “racists” are pussy-ass bitches. Some of y’all are afraid to even call yourself a racist! Donald Trump, the greatest president in history, announced his plan to keep the Mexicans out of this beautiful country once and for all, and his socalled “supporters” go on about how it isn’t racist?! It’s TOTALLY racist! That’s the beauty of it! And another thing, all of you REALLY need to learn how to take shit from those [redacted]-lovers on the internet. Do you know what it sounds like when you bring up the first amendment after someone calls you racist? It sounds like the only defense you have is that “it’s not illegal to say”, and that’s some bullshit right there! Don’t say it because you’re allowed to. Say it because it’s the right thing to say! When you talk about building a wall, don’t pretend it’s to keep drugs out, tell everyone you don’t want those Mexicans around! When you vote for legislation that would prevent homeless people seeking help and reduces welfare, don’t pretend it’s good for the economy. Tell everyone you want those black folk to stay at the bottom where they belong! When you walk around in blue lives matter gear, don’t pretend it’s only because you support the police. Tell everyone you’re happy that they keep shooting those [redacted]! Say it with me now, and say it proud! I am a RACIST!
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I THOUGHT SANDY HOOK WAS PRETTY GOOD
The US Government Needs to Up its False Flag Game BY UNIVERSAL STUDIOS JANITOR #5
It’s true! For years, the mainstream media has solely fed you a web of lies. Tragedy is amongst the oldest forms of theater, and mass scale domestic tragedy is a time-honored tradition amongst the American thespian. I wasn’t alive to catch the early works, like the Bath Michigan School Bombing of ‘27, or the Howard Unruh Luger Massacre of ‘49, right here in the Garden State, but they’ve sure as hell upped the body counts and production values since. But boy oh boy, the higher-ups couldn’t run a competent production if their fucking lives depended on it, even with the funds they get these days. There's no AC, no craft service “lunch” till 5 in the evening. It's nothing less than a total shitshow. The 5.56 blanks jam every other shot. Gotta wash ALL this squib blood and viscera off between every take, mop first, 350 ccs down the drain. Got guys and gals pissing up the curb LEFT and RIGHT, all because the elites are too cheap to cut us a Soros Check™ for an authentic school bathroom set. Worst of all though? We’ve had 163 takes, 163 big shooterinos since 1967 to get this right, but to no avail. No big gun confiscation scene, no dramatic mustache twirling, just a listless junction of disappointing anticlimax to no denouement. I wish I could say my balls were a pallor lighter than Bacardi Zombie, or safer from senseless death than Sean Bean post-GOT, but I’m afraid not. FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M JUST TIRED
Why can't my Cries for Help also be Jokes? BY MEL ANCHOLY
I don't see why it's so hard to undersand! Yes I am depressed. Yes this may be the last time you see me alive. But even more importantly, I packaged those facts into an astonishingly hilarious quip, and more of you should be laughing. I am baring my soul here, and putting my misery on display for your amusement, and you all don't even have the courtesy to just laugh along and let my pathetic, worthless life reach its final punch line. I mean let's be honest, I am the ultimate perveyor of morbid humor. I have not seen a single LX in the past 3 years without saying I wanted to throw myself in front of it. That is dedication to my craft, and you guys are too busy calling my therapist to appreciate it. Trust me guys, she already knows, and I'm already on suicide watch. You're not accomplishing anything when you call my mom for the fourth time this week. You're just making her worried. What is she gonna do anyway? We're at college. The bleach bottle is in my room, not back home. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who stays up at night obsessively planning and replanning my next suicide attempt. Trust me, when the time comes, none of you will be able to stop me. So just sit back, enjoy the jokes, and do your best not to get too attached.
ARTS
Wednesday, November 6th, 2019
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“Arts backwards is Stra, but you're a STAR”
STOP NECK-SHAMING BY PENNY TRATER
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SINGLE-USE PLASTICS BY PENNY TRATER
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GOTW BY PENNY TRATER
HAIRY BALLS BY ZETA BETA BALLS Scanned with CamScanner
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HI HELLO PLEASE VISIT US WE NEED FRIENDS COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 7:45 PM LSC 109 THANKS LOVE YOU
PLEASE DOODLE FOR ME BOI I WILL PAY YOU IN LOVE AND AFFECTION!!! Scanned with CamScanner
PERSONALS
the Medium
REDPILLED
I like my coffee so black that when I stare into it, the coffee stares back. How do you like your coffee?
(Didn't you just kinda answer your own question there buddy?) My baby got stuck in a vending machine how do I get him out? (Look for a wealthy man in the financial district with wistful locks of silver and bountiful pockets of coins. Extort his opulence. Reward your efforts to an expense paid island getaway.)
Wednesday, November 6th, 2019
"Rob Schnieder IN Rob Schneider IN Rob Schneider IN Eternal Prolapsed Recurrence" themedium.submissions@gmail.com
BASED
(Why’s it gotta be black? Why’s it gotta have a distinct profile? Why do SJW FemiNAZIS like you have to politicize everything with your... DIFFERENCES? WHY CAN’T ALL BEANS MATTER? I’M NOT MAD! YOU’RE MAD! I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I?!?!?!?!?) If “boomer” is the N-word of ageism, then what’s the boomer of racism?
Help! My coworker just said that my nude drawing of her is unprofessional and makes her very uncomfortable. How do I explain to her that I just wanted her to see the best version of herself? (Tell her to stop being so fucking ungrateful and passive aggressive and just appreciate the Good Ol’ Kate Winslet treatment for once in her goddamn artless, blase life.)
How can I get promoted from MILF Hunter to Tier One MILF Operator? (Become THE local pool boy of Beverly Hills. Invest in a tactical red speedo. Know the EXACT 74 degree trajectory to swing those frosted tips. Know how to dissasemble ALL moving parts of that skimmer better than you know yourself. Know the bowels of wine-mom hell, and those wine-mom bowels will wanna know you.)
Word of the Week:
Scrub
n. A peon lacking the willpower and wherewithal to endure month-long tribulations. Also known as a buster.
BUSTER KEATON. . . NOT BUSTING?!?!?!?!??!?!? FUNNY HA HAD DIEFIC LOBSTER CORPSE CORRECTIONS FACILITY MICHAEL TOPICAL CULTURAL REFERENCE
JOKE STRUCTURE
EXXXAMPILLED
NUTTING: VOICE ACTORS WEIGH IN
My last midterm is today. Got any last minute cramming advice? (Try not to bruise your knuckles on the bathroom air dryer TOO bad...) I need to make a cheat sheet for my programming class. Got the ultimate hack that will guarantee an A on my exam? (One: launch Chrome dev tools. Two: hit view source on Canvas or Sakai. Three: enter ideal average. Four: bask in immediate dopamine and serotonin hit. Five: live your own truth and/or self imposed delusion as not a perpetually upward failing fuckup.) Does anyone wanna hang out with me? I might have the flu, but I’m bored. (Fuck yeah broseph. Or brosephine. Can't worry about impending final cramming if you're not alive to cram for them. Or climate change. Or burgeoning debts. Or the deteoriating relationship with your parents. Or simultaneously fearing and wanting intimacy within this rotting schismic flesh prison.)
JIZMPILLED I’m the backup singer in an authentic Italian classical castrati choir, how do I abate the PTSD flashbacks every time I hear a No Nut November joke? (Just appreciate that you're among the winner's circle of those who've never nutted to begin with. Can't lose the game if you don't play.) At what point of No-Nut November do I attain Operating Thetan Level VIII? Been almost a week and I haven't even had a single transcendental DMT awakening yet. (Shut the fuck up, tug those beef stroganoffs, and flick those goddamn beans. Flogging the bones of an ancient mare is NOT an adequate substitute for humor. Everyone fucking does it, you're not special for not, and the sun can't bust all this bullshit away fast enough. )
SHARE YOUR FUNNY HA HAS Wednesdays @ 7:45p.m. Livingston Student Center Room 109
Wednesday, October 23rd, 2019
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PAGE A7
“Can you get someone to do A7 for me tonight please?”
Punishment For Baling This Week!!!
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To Be Read on the Toilet While You Poop
The A7's Editor's New Things You’ll Still Do Even Though the Entire Look State of California is Literally Burning Down By: Anna Kreamina
1. Run the water for 5 minutes before you shower because it’s too cold and also too hot 2. Leave your faucet leaking because Google couldn’t find any “plummers” 3. Feed the ducks even though the sign says it will kill them 4. Eat unsustainable chicken because Nature’s Promise doesn’t make their nuggets dinosaur shaped 5. Use a plastic water bottle because your reusable one smells kinda weird 6. Buy your cat son an electric blanket, mom Bad Joke of the Month
The Cowboy and the Barber By: Your Dirty Grandpa
Local Listings and Great Finds Need someone to pee in the Passion Puddle with me. It’s not a sex thing I just think it would be funny. Contact: racistlarry@gmail.com
Looking for a private investigator to find the Medium writer who accused me of having a “little ass dick.” Contact: bob.barchi@rutgers.edu
I’m the pervert who gives candy corn to kids every Halloween and I vastly overestimated how much candy corn I needed. Will pay anyone to take it off my hands. Contact: Candycornpervert@yahoo.fuckyou
High-ku
Toothbrush fell on floor Onto dorm bathroom hair pile Buy new or kill self?
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop. He tells the barber, "My daughter's wedding is tomorrow, but because of how tanned and wrinkled my face I can never get a close enough shave." The barber replies, "You've come to just the right place! I can guarantee you the closest shave of your life with my special method." The cowboy sits down and the barber begins to rummage through his closet. On the top shelf, he finds a cup with a small, rubber ball the size of a golf ball. The barber hands the ball to the cowboy and says, "Put this in your mouth and push it up against each cheek as I shave it, it'll get you the closest shave possible." So, the cowboy does as told, with his left cheek, then his right. When he looks in the mirror, he's stunned, it's fantastic! The barber sticks out his hand for the cowboy to spit the ball into, but then the barber puts the ball right back into the cup and puts it in the closet. The cowboy thought to himself, "He didn't even wash it! So much for hygiene." Even though this irks him, he has a different question that's been bothering him the whole time. The cowboy asks the barber, "What would happen if I had swallowed that ball?" And the barber says, Have a lot of offensive shit in your head you just need to get out in the open but don't feel safe expressing it in this political environment? Join The Medium. Write about Pedophiles, Mass Shootings,and if you're Jewish, the Holocaust!!! Pitch meetings Wednesdays at 7:45pm at the Livingston Student Center room 109. Production meetings Mondays at 8pm a the Livingston Student Center room 117d.
November 6th, 2019 @MediumSports themedium.submissions@ gmail.com COURTS
40 GANG-RELATED MURDERS OCCUR INSIDE BARCLAYS CENTER DURING 10 SECOND POWER OUTAGE
BACK TO THE FUTURE Bloods-Crips Edition
night, as the Brooklyn Nets faced the New Orleans Pelicans, the Barclays Center was struck by a power outage. With over 19,000 people in attendance to watch the game, chaos ensued. Someone seemed to be lighting firecrackers.
BY FLICK BOOGER
BROOKLYN – Where Brooklyn at? Definitely not at the top of the list of “Top Ten Cities Where Minimal Shootings Happen at Sports Venues.” On Monday
Ten
However, given that the power outage lasted only 30 seconds, “peace” seemed to be restored. Both teams were given five minutes to settle down, and the game soon resumed. Once again, the game was suspended as the crowd noticed a gaping hole in the nosebleed section overlooking the court. Blood was dripping. People were screaming. Players were counting their blessings. The Brooklyn that many of our forefathers experienced was back. In the past decade or so, Brooklyn has become an ultragentrified housing market, where the white population, who lowkey think they're edgy and dress grungy, actually have a trust fund set up by their Hamptonsliving parents. As a result, crime in the borough plummeted to historical lows – a far cry from the 1970s-1990s, where Brooklyn was associated with gangs, murder, and the rise of gangsta rap. However, what unfolded on Monday was nothing short of a massacre. What apparently
happened was that, prior to the game, a couple of Bloods and Crips gang members had a slight tussle outside the stadium. However, they decided to go to the game in solidarity for their hometown team. Once inside and within that short, dark period, a switch went off in many of the gang members’ heads, something psychologists now classify as “Iss Dark Ousside MoFuka Syndrome”. Kill mode was on. After the game, Barclays Center Head of Security Bill Cussamano said, “We could’ve sworn we had the building down on lock. Ain’t nobody should’ve gotten in with their glock. Hey! That rhymed! Brb I’m gonna go call Jay-Z.” NYPD Police Commissioner James O’Neill actually praised the power outage as he believed that the borough was now cleansed of 40 potential vagrants. Only after further investigation was it revealed that a rat bit through some wiring and got electrocuted. That rat will now be buried with full state honors.
Things To Know About Embiid vs. KAT fight By the Numbers Masvidal vs. Diaz
BY FLICK BOOGER
6
1
The Rock showed up
Trump shutdown Midtown
2 Trump went to the fight
3
8 Oh yeah, there was a fight
5
Trump smiled like a fucking doofus
9
Punches
0
Everyone cheered him on
4
1000+
Thrown
7
Trump got booed at
Trump still waved his hand
Actual
0
Drops of actual blood shed
1
Masvidal won by TKO
10
UFC is now a sport for sissies
Cat scratch that never did no one no harm
Throwing Up Our Halloweekend Liquor SINCE 1970
Twitter characters wasted through their “trash talking”
$23M
bet Michael Jordan made on Embiid to win, but lost it all eventually
2
people who think they actually fought