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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLII Issue IX
November 9TH, 2011
LOCAL POLITICS
OCCUPY TOLEDO CONSIDERED 'A BIT OF A STRETCH' BY OTHER MOVEMENTS BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
OHIO—With the division between Wall Street and the public at an all-time high, highlighted by the "Occupy" series of protests, which has spread across the nation into cities like Chicago, Los Angeles and Oakland. Those protests, each generating thousands of protesters and spurring international media coverage were praised for their revolutionary-style outcries to demote the capitalist system and their abilities to create new followers. However, some new movements created in response have garnered controversy not for their cause or their members, but for how useful they actually are. "I believe that occupying anywhere in the United States is important, regardless of the geographic location, or how many people are actually interested in protesting," said William Krantz, the organizer of the new 'Occupy Toledo' movement. "Every city should be sending a message and the message from our city is just as important as the one from New York." New York, on the other hand, is confused by the whole thing.
INSIDE THIS ISSUE
THE MEDIUM'S COVERAGE OF EXXXOTICA!!!
FIGHT THE SYSTEM Hey Hey! Ho Ho! The Toledo Mud Hens have got to go!
"Toledo, that's the city Corporal Klinger in M*A*S*H was from, right?" asked Occupy Wall Street protester Max Wallace. Despite the lack of recognition, Krantz is confident in the group's abilities to create something great. "Our members have increased by over fifty percent in the past week alone," exclaimed Krantz. "We have over eleven people in tents in the park, and that's not even counting the homeless people and junkies!" Despite the protest failing to garner national attention, the city of Toledo is sitting up in
their chairs and taking measures against possible violence. "I told the guy that patrols the park during the day to just keep an eye on them," said Deputy Police Commissioner Clarence Tompkins. "At night, I'm not that worried, since they are normally too scared to leave their tents. They picked a bad park to set up in. Plus its not really anywhere near the banks or anything. I think they needed to plan a bit better." "Of course we are still in the planning stages," said Krantz. "We still have to figure out what local businesses we are mad at.”
NEWS IN PICTURES
'I was not drunk at my last speech!' says Perry
SOME FUCK WE PULLED OFF THE STREET EDITS THE PERSONALS PAGE! AN INANIMATE OBJECT WRITES AN OPINION ABOUT SOMETHING!
I can't take this anymore! ESTABLISHED 1970
50¢ QUICKIES
Students discover new campus BY THE KILLA WHALE FEATURES EDITOR
NOT SURE YET—A team of Rutgers graduate students recently discovered an unnamed part of campus somewhere between College Ave and Busch. “Much like the Bronx Zoo, the Universe, and the depths of the oceans, there are parts of Rutgers that have gone unexplored for decades,” said doctorate student Paul Worth. By using state-of-the-art satellites and other technological gizmo-ma-thingies, Worth and his team were able to find a fullservice and self-sustaining campus complete with transportation, faculty, and classrooms just waiting to be filled. “Rutgers is a big school and the bureaucracy runs so deep that not even President Dick himself completely knows what he presides over,” said Rutgers V.P. of Research and Economic Development Michael Pazzani. With over 600 new acres of land to use, Pazzani hopes that this could create more jobs and cut down on the sizes of classrooms. “This is a positive thing not only do we have more room now, but we know that our campus is growing and will continue to grow each day,” said Pazzani. The team of researchers that found the territory is confident that the university will allocate space for them on the new campus to continue their research; however, such a scenario is highly unlikely. “Just like the Vikings dude, we’re not gonna get any credit for discovering this place,” said Worth. “I already heard McCormick wants to name the land Football. Yeah, that’s it, just Football.” It is still uncertain what Rutgers will do with the new campus but ethicists have raised one important question: what about the natives? “It’s our manifest destiny to take this place,” said Pazzani. “We can relocate the natives to our Camden location or perhaps use them in a lesser capacity. Either way, we have to make room for incoming faculty.”
the Medium
FEATURES “My stomach feels funny.”
RACIAL DIVERSITY
student, i mean, squirrel of the week
NAME: Raymond Verilli MAJOR: Survival OCCUPATION: Nutcracker RESIDES: One of the trees closest to the left side of the Douglass Parking Deck. HOBBIES: Gathering nuts, hiding nuts, digging holes, mating, jumping in front of the REXB. FOOD: Nuts DRINK: Puddle-water Squirrels are everywhere but this little guy is probably the
Wednesday, No-Shave November 9th, 2011
BLOG
SMASHED
GOING INSHANE THE HOW TO GET OUT OF
TOP
PAYING YOUR PARKING TICKETS
Since September, I've been getting away with parking on the top of the College Ave Parking Deck without a Zone A pass and free of tickets. That is, until November came around. Unfortunately, I was hit with $160 in fines in two days. That's when I decided I needed to talk to the guy in charge. In craziest one on campus. Ray- a crazy hulk-like rage, I drove mond lives with his wife of two my beast of a Hyundai down to weeks, Sheila, and has 26 chil- Commercial Avenue hoping for a solution. dren. Ironically enough, the guy Raising 26 kids is difficult who stopped me in the foyer of but Ray rises to the challenge by spending 18 hours a day gath- the Public Safety building was ering acorns, nuts, and fruits Director of Transportation Jack found across Rutgers campuses. Molenaar. We took a stroll down Last year, Ray encountered George Street and I got him preta possum with rabies and was ty drunk. As it turns out, beer almost infected by the beast af- changes a person's perception ter a vicious scuffle. Luckily, he resulting in irrational behavior was able to fight the creature off. such as waiving all parking violations. -Sha NayNay
Reasons Why You're Blacking Out Tonight BY LIL' BIT FORMER STAFF WRITER
10. You accidentally knocked up some slut backstage at your concert when you were 15. 9. One-and-a-half Fat Bitches and a stale can of Pringles are not sober foods. 8. You need to maintain your reputation in your group of friends as the “fun, self-annihilating alcoholic.” 7. Because you haven’t gone to Orgo Lab all semester anyway, so why start now…right? 6. You’re hoping your life’s purpose will reveal itself in some sort of drunken epiphany. 5. There’s a few stray PBR’s left in your mini-fridge from Halloweekend that are screaming your name. 4. To celebrate your last AA meeting… you’re finally done! 3. If you go out now, something worth celebrating is bound to happen later this week. 2. Your roommate ate your last Hot Pocket (the good kind with pepperoni inside). 1. Your name is Kim Kardashian.
SONG PARODY - PINA COLADA
Penis Alotta BY CAPTAIN SPECTACULAR CONTRIBUTING WRITER
I was tired of my right hand, we'd been together too long. Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song. So while she lay there a-fapping, I visited Match.com while in bed. And sitting in my inbox, there was this letter I read: "If you like Penis Alotta, and getting caught playing games. If you're not into BDSM, if you are mildly insane. If you like making love at midnight, and especially if you’re a creep. I'm the “lady” you've looked for, write to me, and send a pic of your feet."
Editorial Staff Fall 2011
I didn't think about my right hand, I know that sounds kind of mean. But me and my right hand, had fallen into the same old dull routine. So I got back on Match.com, replied back to her ad. And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half-bad. "Yes, I like Penis Alotta, and getting caught playing games. I'm not much into lesbians, I’ll keep that fine ass tame. I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape. At a dive bar called O'Malley's, there will be some date-rape." So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in to the bomb. I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her palm. It was my own lovely right hand, and she said, "Oh, it's you." And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "Oh fuck you"..
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Kaitie Davis Kenneth Brooks Joey Threlfall Reven MacQueen
"You like Pina Coladas, and getting caught playing games? And the feel of the lotion, and you’re the ass I would tame? You like making love at midnight? And no, you’re the creep. You're not the love that I've looked for, fuck off, get away from my feet."
WHOOP-DE-DOO
Here's a gigantic "Fuck You" to everyone trying to screw me over this semester...
FUCK YOU.
"If you like Penis Alotta, and getting caught playing games. If you're not into BDSM, if you are mildly insane. If you like making love at midnight, and especially if you’re a creep. I'm the “lady” you've looked for, write to me, and send a pic of your feet." News Editors Jordan Gochman John Eberhardt Features Editor Shane Whelan Opinions Editor Amy DiMaria Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editors Steve Troulis XII Dave Imbriaco
CRAZY LATIN GUY NEEDS YOU TO SUBMIT! themedium.features@gmail.com
Wine & Lifestyle Editor Phillip Li
Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche America, America...
Chris Peatman Amy DiMaria Kenneth Brooks Barbara Reed Bob Loblaw This is you!!!
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Jack Molenaar. Thanks for running into me the other day and freeing me of my $135 debt to the R.U. Screw.
Wednesday, November 9th, 2011
OP/ED
the Medium
“You really smell like dog buns.”
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Hey, I have an idea for an article where the new buses have formed their own Department of Transportation. I was thinking you could do the photoshop of all the buses in like suits or something. Is this the right place to send it? Thanks Andrew Lamar I don’t know if you usually do this but I was thinking you could publish some kind of article about Gordon Ramsey visiting Brower and then there’s like a picture of him in line with a tray. Is this the email I should submit it to? -Jack Hi, I had this rant that I thought was too long for personals so I’ve submitted it to op/eds instead. If you think it’s funny maybe I can do more and make it into a regular column. You can use Mike Hock for my fake name. Hello! I think I would be great for The Medium’s Student of the Week! Can I submit my profile through this email? Sincerely, Suzie Kurtz Hey, I wanted to submit this for Cute Thing of the Week. The last time I read the paper that was on the Opinions page so I looked up your new email. Attached Image:
FEATURED COMMENTARY
I Can’t Handle an NBA Lockout After a Cardinals/Rangers World Series BY KEITH PARSONS
I read a report today that the NBA wasn’t getting any closer to reaching a deal between the players and the league. After this sham of a World Series, I cannot allow this to go on. I can’t imagine the prospect of no basketball this season after I had to pretend to be excited about two teams from the middle of America. I’ve been trying really hard to get into other sports in the meantime but it just hasn’t been the same. I started watching bowling the other day and it was so boring. Just a bunch of fat guys rolling the ball down an aisle. Almost as bad as watching a team that has never been in the World Series struggle their way through a game. Oh God, my brother recommended that I start watching poker on ESPN.
I watched one round being played and I have never experienced anything more excruciating. If they’re going to argue about a one- or two-percent difference then I’ll go in there and negotiate the terms of the lockout myself. How hard can it honestly be? I just negotiated a raise with my boss last month. I’m sure I can figure this out.
“Basketball was my light at the end of the tunnel.” I really need basketball in my life right now. I’ve been fighting with my wife and I’m scared we’re going to get divorced. With sports, I have an escape from all the bullshit in my own life. I don’t have to worry about my home life or my job or bills. I just focus on sports.
I spent baseball’s playoffs praying that it would just end soon so I could move on. The basketball season was my light at the end of the tunnel. Me and every other baseball fan had to watch a tournament that didn’t even feature the goddamn Mets and now I might not even get basketball at the end? No. I won’t stand for it. I remember the 1994 baseball strike. I’m not going back to that. At this point, I can’t imagine what it’s going to take. Are the owners and players not baseball fans? If they were I’d think they would be interested in starting the season. I can’t even imagine the prospect of dissolving the union and all the lawsuits that would come afterwards. I think I would rather suffer through a Pirates/Nationals series than go through that.
ADVICE
Ask a Man With Low Blood Sugar
Dear Man With Low Blood Sugar, I recently bought a new puppy for my young son and it has already taken over my house! The dog has chewed on all of our furniture and yesterday he destroyed a pair of my favorite shoes! He doesn’t listen to any of the commands we have tried teaching him. Buying a crate has stopped him from peeing inside the house but he still has accidents. Do you have any dog training advice? Maybe something that is specific to a young puppy. My son really loves the dog so I would like to keep it. Sincerely, Dogged in North Dakota
Can I still submit this for the personals contest? To my stupid cunt of a roommate, stop leaving your shampoo all over the shower. If you keep it up I’m going to punt your computer off the student center you fucker. Dear Opinions Editor, You should be ashamed of the things you publish in the personals section. The idea that you would all sit around and write these hateful things is disgusting. I know they must come from your staff because I refuse to believe such terrible things could be written by normal members of the Rutgers community. You should have your money from the University taken away immediately. Don’t be like these people. Use the e-mail wisely.
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
Yeah, ok. Um, puppies...It’s kinda hard to think right now. I feel pretty tired. Do you feel like, really cold? Am I the only one who feels cold right now? Maybe before I answer we could get something to eat. I haven’t eaten anything in like, six hours. Probably should have stopped and gotten that snack before I left the house. Damn, I hope I remembered to pack something with me to eat. I haven’t had a blood sugar attack like this in a few months. Oh man I feel really dizzy right now. I gotta sit down before I fall over. I could just faint right about now. I’m starting to see spots everywhere. Seriously, is no one else cold? Do you think you could open this glucose tab for me? My hands feel kinda numb, I don’t think I can do it myself. And while you’re at it, maybe put this straw through the top of my juice box. Oh shit, go through my bag and grab my blood sugar meter. I should check that right now. Alright, getting back up past 80. Phew, that was close.
Come to a Medium Meeting Be funny. Busch Student Center Weed isn’t funny. This paper is a sausage fest My mom likes my page. Room 116B Stop reading the Personals. Aren’t we better than covering a porn convention? I can see you reading the Personals 8pm I work hard. Stop reading Personals. I hate this.
Exxxotica? Seriously?
the Medium
EXXXOTICA! “Joanna Angel was naked in my car.”
Wednesday, November 9th, 2011
The Medium Goes to EXXXotica! This weekend, the men of The Medium collectively realized that they would never get laid again and made the long, arduous journey to Edison, New Jersey and visited the biggest collection of scantily clad women since that party Crow threw our freshman year. While there, they met porn stars, people selling ridiculous gadgets, and rode a giant mechanical penis. They may have also gotten herpes. But who cares? Its porn!
Joanna Angel
She’s hot, she’s covered in tattoos, and SHE’S A FREAKIN’ RUTGERS ALUMNI! She even ‘came’ to Rutgers and hung out with us. See the interview online next week at rutgersmedium.com!
Morgan Freeman and Everyday I’m Trufflin’ enjoy a moment that brings them back to their childhood and puberty at the same time!
Our intrepid Wine and Lifestyles Ed ical cock. According to the guy who long.” But we are also sure the guy w
We don’t know who this woman is, or if she even has a name, but... DAMN!
Wednesday, November 9th, 2011
EXXXOTICA!
“Seriously. I’m not even kidding. I had a naked porn star in my car.”
the Medium
Aria Rae
Stats
Hair: Brown
Measurements:
Perfect Height: Horizontal Tattoos: Many Record: Twelve men at once
ditor takes a ride on a giant mechanoperated it, “he didn’t last very who operated it was on meth.
Here she comes... MS. EXXXOTICA! This lovely lady won $1000 and the glory that comes with New Jersey Porn convention beauty contests.
The Medium: On a Scale of A-cups to DD’s, how creeped out do you get knowing random men you’ve never met have jerked off while looking at you? Aria Rae: Not at all. I’m used to it. TM: Answer the question properly please. AR: Oh, sorry. A-cups. TM: Thanks babe. Next question: on a scale from tiny, totally flacid weiners to gigantic, fully erect ones, how much do you enjoy having sex for a living? AR: Hercules’s cock, I love this job! TM: What’s your favorite thing to do in porn? AR: Face-fucking. I love having my face fucked. TM: Intriguing. Now, if you had to choose between doing softcore missionary-style porn for the rest of your life, or hardcore-double-penetration-butt-sexbukake porn, which would you pick? AR: Definitely the anal. I actually love doing it, and the other choice just sounds boring. TM: Riveting. So what’s the biggest dick you’ve ever had to take? AR: Nine inches...and it was THICK too, but that was painful. Ideally, I prefer a solid seven-incher. TM: Truly inspiring. As a Rutgers student, I’m practically an expert on STDs. As a porn star, how do you avoid being riddled with viruses like Rutgers girls? AR: We’re all totally clean. They literally test us every other day, so none of us ever end up with an STD. TM: That’s great news. I was worried I might catch something through the internet.
the Medium
ARTS
Wednesday, Novembeard 9th, 2011
“The Hippo Sloth’s diet is mainly herbaceous.”
COMICS
Submit to the Arts Page ●Graffiti ●Comics themedium.arts@gmail.com ●Music Reviews ●Movie Reviews ●Facts about Hippo Sloths
GRAFFITI
MUSIC REVIEW
Under Pressure
When he started to drum on the spirals of his notebook to COVERED BY produce the piano and guitar, I KID TAPPING HIS PENCIL had to stop what I was doing. All the sounds of the kids talkThere have been many cov- ing around me vanished, I was ers of “Under Pressure,” all dif- fixated on the rhythmic, rapid ferent interpretations of this tapping. timeless classic, but the original I don’t know how he prohas never been surpassed. Until duced the vocals; I didn’t turn now. around to see if maybe he Last Thursday, I was wait- brought out more pens, or if he ing SERC 111, with ten minutes had a friend drum the voice of until class started, bored out of Bowie while he drummed Mermy mind, and then some kid cury; but I would venture to say behind me started tapping his that it may be the only cover pen on his open notebook. I was I’ve ever heard that has truly about to put in my headphones, touched my heart more than the because the sound of someone original. tapping their pencil is the most annoying thing to listen to. But all of the sudden I was taken by the familiar bass line, which he produced by deftly 5/5 stars hitting different parts of the little desk and arm rest.
PPPPP
Location: Bush/College Ave Bike Path
PERSONALS
Wednesday, November 9th, 2011
“When you’re banging for an audience, you’re a pornstar. But when you bang your audience, you’re a hooker.”
Ну действительно, To RBK: WHERE ARE YOU?????? (I think we’d be better off not knowing. Really, why did this even come across your mind? Shaddaaaap.) Dear Medium people, Could you just give me the goddamn porn convention tickets? I’ll make you’re decision easier for you: I’m not some creepy mother fucker who wears a trench coat with the collar flipped up, unlike most of the creepy ass fuckers who are gonna try and win these tickets, so who would you rather be there? Total fucking creepers, or someone who knows what’s up? Love, Give me the mother fucking tickets, PLEASE (As the guy who actually won, LOL. I don’t think pornstars go for us anyway. You seem angry. Fap it out, bro. Also, use the proper form of “your.”) To Gabriel Inglesias, we get it - you’re a fat Mexican. (Carlos Mencia 2.0?) about that absolute idiot Aaron Marcus in the Targum, what the fuck you moronic sack of shit. you spout the old party line about the same shit that conservatives always say and call it an opinion article, you spend the entire time calling liberals idiots, never mind that half the “facts” in your bile ridden pile of spewed feces are incorrect. i’d think that maybe a history minor would know some goddamn history, but I guess that I would be wrong you self aggrandizing son of a pox ridden whore. maybe you should take economics 101 and learn why most of the putrid excrement that you seem to disgorge every other week is not really true. Goddamnit all I hate you moronic party liners, you can’t think for yourself, and you just beat the fucking dead horse. go back to abusing yourself in the closet without lube you self-righteous little pissant. love, anonymous
(I just squealed with delight. Thought I should mention.)
Где вы, бляди?
To Osama bin Laden. Since the next issue of The Medium is out on the 6 month anniversary of your death, I have to ask you: How does it feel to be constantly rammed in your tiny butthole by your 72 virgins’ humongous dicks? Signed: RBI (Red Bandana Infidel) (OOH look, RBK! i found the poor bastard! and also caught him stealing jokes from Jeff Dunham.) To the girl in my Dramatic Lit class - I don’t know if you’re aware, but this class is about READING dramatic literature, not acting dramatically while reading literature. I think you may have gotten the course title confused somewhere along the way between your tears and singing of Hamlet. Just wanted to clear things up. Best, a helpful classmate. (You should be thanking her for making your life more interesting. Besides, you’re the idiot who’s taking a dramatic lit class.) To my cunt-faced, selfabsorbed, worthless waste of space hipster roommate-FUCK. YOU!!!! We’ve lived together for almost two whole months and you STILL find the most microscopic things in the world to bitch at me for!! You need to take it down about 8 million levels bro. When ur fast asleep after wing knight this week, Ill take a nice loose BM in your mouth and make you swish and swallow, you fucking bitch. Maybe then you’ll have something to complain about. Fucking dyke. To the Douglass Campus Library, Why is it 90 fucking degrees in here? I thought I could stop putting Goldbond on my balls by November. And in case you’re wondering, I use Goldbond: Extra Strength. Not because I sweat that much, but because I love the feeling of a thousand little ice angels blowing on testicles. (Please, tell me why the fuck I needed to know that. Filed under: information to not share with other people #964.)
ГДЕ ВЫ?!
To that guy on the stairs at Brower, Your eyes really were pretty. Find me. (I’m just going to go ahead and assume you’re referring to me ;).)
To Gary Nova: only throw the ball to ppl with numbers 10 and under. trust me. between 81 and 17 we have probably 8 dropped touchdowns and another 5 deep throws dropped this season. 5 of those touchdowns coming in our two losses....just sayin...i think the soccer coaches would know not to pass to these guys. To AM of the Daily Targum: I love how you spin anything that opposes you or your beliefs automatically into an anti-semitic attack. Then again, what can I expect of someone that shows up to a rally that shouts racial slurs at others, including calling your own race “traitors?” I hope bigots like you get to join Hitler in hell when you die. (We hate them too, don’t worry. Fuckheaaads.) To whoever left a glass bottle under my car in Livingston Lot 103 whether it was maliciously done or irresponsible littering, I hope karma gets you motherfucker, you could have messed up my tires when I backed up and suddenly shattered it by accident. (You’re a pussy. A really big pussy. Also, your tires are offended. They really wanted to be the man in this relationship.) To NBPD, my best friend got a 50 dollar ticket for going over his meter by 30 seconds. Fuck you. Fuuuuuuuck youuuuu. To the Exxxotica Convention, So many overpriced dildos. ALL of the overpriced dildos.
the Medium
FROM THE DESK OF SATANIC YODA Okay everyone, I did NOT edit this page this week. Our winner of the Personals Editor for the Week contest wrote the horseshit that you see this week on this particular page. The guest editor humbly requests that all hate mail and death threats be sent to dpilmy@gmail.com. Yes, he told me to write that, I have no fucking idea why. TheMedium.Personals@gmail.com TheMedium.Personals@gmail.com TheMedium.Personals@gmail.com Our backlog of personals is officially somewhat empty :-(. Submit moooooooooooooooorrreeeee!!!!!! ~Satanic Yoda, Senior Personals Editor To all the men at Rutgers: some of you are really hot. I’m talkin about the ones who just do their thing and are kinda weird and funny. As for the rest of you fucking jocks or wanna-be pimps or FRAT BROS or wannabe frat bros, I see right through your facade. 99% of women do, yo. I hope you all know that your muscles or lack there of, or yous fucking laughable “swag” is absolutely sad. News flash: Get a life, otherwise you never will. And stop tryna talk all this shit on the bus about bangin girls and shit!! That’s just straight up rude and unattractive man. For all the real men out there who got a little humbleness and respect, yet who never get laid, I absolutely love you. Go talk to more girls! (And you should come talk to more me.) To the girl walking down George Street. You looked like you had something shoved up your butt multiple times. Next time use KY jelly and it shouldn’t hurt as much when you’re done. <3 Dear dumb sorority girls on the EE bus on tuesday. I assumed we were past the age of judging people on how they dress. Apparently not. So why don’t you go suck some frat guy’s cock, get an std and live your lonely lives giving hand jobs at gas stations and then try and judge someone. K Thanks. I almost got into an accident with a douche going really fast.... he must have been going OVER 9000mph! (If another person makes an over 9000 joke in front of me, I will fucking cut them. Quoting memes is stupid. Especially when they’re old. Shut the fuck up.)
This guy thinks he’s Captain Knots. Captain Tyin’ Knots. Anyone needs a knot tied, they go to him. Fuckin’ bullshit. No way. Mr. Walkway. Mr. Walk down me, im the walk way, lead me to the building. Fuck you. No way. (Wow, what? English to acid trip dictionary, por favor.) To those who cannot handle their liquor: at least wait until you get to the party to throw up. Wasting your and my night by passing out on the floor at 9:30 is untimely and inconsiderate. (Get better friends.) To the black midget girl on cook/douglas, watching your little legs jump off the bus was the cutest thing ever, I really was so happy you didn't fall. To my professor who can't speak English: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU IN THIS COUNTRY? I don't fucking waste my time coming to class only to not be able to understand one fucking thing you say. I constantly ask you to repeat everything you say because you don't have a clue even how to pronounce as easy a word as "hello," and yet you come to America? YOU CAN'T EVEN PROPERLY SAY FUCKING HELLO TO ANYONE IN THE COUNTRY, GO THE FUCK BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM OR LEARN OUR LANGUAGE, Good job Rutgers, using immigrants to teach citizens. (And yet, I can take pride in the fact that Ming Ching Han is twenty times better than you will ever be. Suck on that one, ‘Murica.)
WINE & LIFESTYLE “You’re just sitting there stroking his Ego-Cock”
Wednesday, November 9th, 2011
LOST WORDS
FOOD REVIEW
Cheng’s Cafe by Creepy Trucker As I drove my eighteen-wheeler down 514 West delivering a truckload of pyroclastic dildos to the porn convention in Edison, my beer belly began to grumble. Desperately needing to find some food, I turned into the parking lot of Cheng’s Cage. To be honest, it looked kinda sketchy, even for me, and as I strolled in there wasn’t a soul in the place. Little did I know this place was a diamond in the rough. They kept supplying me with unlimited fried noodles and their beef and broccoli with pork fried rice was TO DIE FOR! The waitress that served me was even cute too. I don’t think she was a day over 15. The prices were certainly affordable, as I still retained enough singles for the strip club after my delivery. The food was (almost) better than the tits I saw at that convention. Maybe if I could’ve brought some take-out from Cheng’s and eaten it while watching those tits. Or eat it off the tits. Overall, I’d eat here again but I would much rather suck on some big old titties. To be honest though, it is certainly a close contest between the two, despite the shadiness of the shack like restaurant.
TONGUE ACTION
Cool Things to do while Making Out by Supa Krupa Troopa
So over tying a cherry stem into a knot? Sick of the making out like a normal, boring nun? Here’s some freaky shit for you! 1. Spice it up: Eat a habanero chili pepper and see which muchacho/muchacha can withstand the heat longer. 2. Be mysterious: Play “guess the letter” by writing a letter with your tongue and having your partner guess it. 3. Watch sparks fly: Pretend your tongue belongs in Harry Potter, give it a mini-wand and duel your partner. You’re a lizard, Harry! 4. Mitigate your problems: Try talking to your lover while making out. Eventually, you’ll both laugh and slobber all over each other like idiots and everything will be good and dandy again. 5. Be a surgeon: Cut out someone else’s tongue and use in sync with your tongue.
COME TO OUR MEETING TONIGHT. IT WILL BE IN THE BCC IN ROOM 116B. IT IS AT 8PM. NEXT OFF, EMAIL ME AT THEMEDIUM.SHAKIN@GMAIL.COM OR ELSE I WILL CUT OFF YOUR SON’S COUSIN’S DOG’S PENIS.
EVENTS
YOUR WEEKLY ALBUM REVIEW
Planning for Graduate School
Thursday, November 10, 2011 3:00 PM - 4:30 PM. Learn what factors to consider when deciding to attend graduate school. Review the application process and learn how to find the right graduate program for you. At DCC.
The role of Pleistocene refugia in the diversification of Enallagma damselflies
Friday, November 11, 2011 11:00 AM - 12:00 PM The role of Pleistocene refugia in the diversification of Enallagma damselflies. At Blake Hall.
The Herald of Satan arrives in time for Winter
Friday, November 11, 2011 2:00pm-5:00pm Satan’s entire entourage will be stopping by Scott Hall to let us know what to expect when the Apocalypse finally happens. Drop by for more info.
Justice Audio, Video, Disco by Kanako Abe French Electro JUSTICE IS BACK! Okay, so everyone and their mom seems to have an opinion on this new album about how they’ve changed or that it’s just not the same. Blah, blah, blah. How could we expect another (†)? That was then and this is now. This album is totally new and explorative. Many tracks are guitar-heavy with influences from ‘70s classic rock likeQueen and Led Zeppelin. Yet Gaspard Augé and Xavier de Rosnay (Justice) maintain their dance element; they’re clearly songs meant for massive speakers. If you wish to play ‘Audio, Video, Disco’, don’t play it from this CD because it fades away mid-track and a hidden song comes back a minute later. I suggest playing from the EP because there are some good remixes/a radio edit. RIYL: Daft Punk, MSTRKRFT. DJ MK says she even hears elements of Ratatat and Black Moth Super Rainbow in which I Buscemi’s here somewhere... fully agree.