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Volume xli Issue x
NEWS QUICKIES
Student abroad finds himself with aid of map BY DR. DREHOOD STAFF WRITER
AMSTERDAM—While many students choose to go abroad for cultural learning, some also take time off during the semester to do some soul searching. While studying abroad in Amsterdam, MGSA Junior Brian Tomchyk recently came to an epiphany after days of travel, where, just outside a coffee shop, Tomchyk picked up a map and noticed that he had found himself. "It was mind-blowing, the map said I'm here, and here I am! It was crazy!?" he said by phone last week. When a passersby handed him another map, Tomchyk was overjoyed. "It says I'm here, when the other one says I'm over there? I can be in two places at once!? This is some crazy zen shit they don't teach you back at Rutgers."
Young man finds fuzzy beaver on Douglass Campus ...notes that it got a lot of wood.
INDEX
DOW +.59% NASDAQ +.78% NASCAR 200 mph! When stocks crash, it's bad. When race cars crash, it's COOL!
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november 10th, 2010
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PRE-GAMING
MEN'S BASKETBALL TEAM ENDS SEASON IN ADVANCE
BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
THE RAC—In a brief press conference on Monday, new men’s basketball coach Mike Rice announced that the season would not begin as planned this Friday night at Princeton. Instead, the season will not take place as scheduled and will be completely forfeited, giving year one of the Rice-Era a perfect record of 0-31. This was a complete turnaround from the offseason where Rice was coaching with fire and gusto, and bursting with enthusiasm. However, at the press conference he was down and melancholy about the Knights’ chances over the forthcoming months. “Let’s face it, we’re doomed,” he sulked, “We have only nine scholarships on the roster. We only could get engineering students as walk-ons. On top of that, we’ve got injuries, injuries, injuries, with Graham out for
DON'T LET IT STOP YOU FROM BUYING SEASON TICKETS! the year with an ACL tear and Dane Miller recovering from partial spontaneous combustion.” Rice added, “Next year’s class promises to be so, so good, so why should we slog through this year in the first place? I’m so convicted in our avoidance of this year that I’m ready to invent a time machine and move forward one year. Anyone have
some elbow macaroni?” No refunds will be offered to people who have already made ticket purchases. To appease the masses though, an alternate slate of events will replace the basketball games on the RAC. These events will include tricycle racing, open mic nights, and a combination pancake breakBASKETBALL continues on pg. 2
LEARNING FOR (HIS) PLEASURE
New MRS degree broadly appeals to broads BY LI'L BIT STAFF WRITER
COLLEGE AVE—The School of Communication and Information announced over the weekend that they will be adding a new major to their list of degree options. In addition to majoring in Journalism & Media Studies, Communication, and I.T.I, SC&I students can now choose to major in Media Related Studies. Administrators believe that the M.R.S degree will appeal to a large percentage of the University’s undergraduates. “This program is an excellent option specifically for our female students interested in getting ‘wifed up’” said SC&I administrator John Doe. “Now instead of just focusing on real journalistic pursuits, young women can pursue a degree more specific to their true
Not surprisingly, all the single courses are already taken
aspirations.” Focusing on domestic media relations, the major will re-
Let's not talk about this weekend... ESTABLISHED 1970
quire such core classes as Intro to Sandwich Making, Just Taking It in the Workplace, and Parking 101. Like their classmates majoring in Communication, those pursuing an M.R.S degree will need only 30 credits to graduate, 10 of which can be acquired through Byrne Seminars and First Year Interest Groups. Despite the program being in its first year, applications from interested students have already begun pouring in. “When I got to Rutgers, I knew I wanted to do PR for celebrities or write for Cosmo, so naturally Comm. was the major for me,” explained SC&I Sophomore Jane Doe. “But now, with the M.R.S degree, I realized that my real strengths lie in making babies and looking pretty; I can work at home and still benefit society.”
THE MEDIUM
NEWS
Wednesday, November 10th, 2010
"A bro! A bro! My kingdom for a bro!"
LITTER
TOUGH LUCK
Company Passed to Owner's Cat Makes Record Profits Success of Anti-
bullying Bill of Rights leaves school counselors bored, depressed
BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR
CORPORATE AMERICA—Investors were proud to see their dividends skyrocket at the Cattalina Corp stockholder’s meeting held on Wednesday on the announcement that Mr. Fluffy Wuffums would stay on board as CEO/Owner/Adorable Pet. Wuffums was given control of the company after the previous CEO/Owner, Margaret Cattalina, had passed away, bequeathing her entire fortune and her $34 billion company to him. “Meow I know what you were thinking, meow can a cat run a Fortune 500 company and still turn a profit while also napping 16 meowers a day and keeping its nether regions the cleanest around?” Wuffums said in the most adorable suit you could have ever seen. “The secret is in the know-meow and the cat-do attitude!” This 3-year-old tabby was the most adored pet of Margaret Cattalina, who never married, instead focusing on her
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What do you think of the outcome of this year's midterm election? Ehud Coen, SMLR '12 "I've missed complaining about how terrible the Republicans in congress were doing. Its been a hard two years, but for now I can rest easy!"
Lauren McDougal, SCI '11 "I didn't think Walter Mondale had it in him."
Editorial Staff Fall 2010
F
BY JOHNNY J & COMMANDO UNITED STATES CONTRIBUTING WRITERS
Though he has turned the company around, co-workers think Mr. Wuffums is a flea-
burgeoning custom pet collar business netting her a brisk $1500 in profit. However, after Cattalina died, Wuffums inherited the business and was directly responsible for turning the company into a multinational economic powerhouse. In addition to custom pet collars, the company is now responsible for manufacturing peanut butter, children’s art supplies and nuclear warhead delivery systems for the government. “There is no limit on what we can produce meow. The sky’s the limit!” exclaimed Wuffums
in between his playful batting of a piece of yarn. “Unless it’s the sky where our nuclear warhead is detonating. In that case you better find a place to hide right meow!” Some have expressed some hesitation at keeping Fluffy Wuffums at his position, citing his lack of regard for ethical business practices with his obvious hatred of those working for minimum wage in terrible jobs. But they later recanted their position when they saw that “widdle biddie woopsy doosy suit."
BASKETBALL: Continued from from Page 1 fast and lecture about how waffles are the food of Satan. Despite not actually playing this season, Big East officials will still fine Rice for arguments that according to them, would have happened had Rutgers played their season. “If his sportsmanship during the tourney back in March was any indication, we expected him to get into
plenty of arguments worthy of discipline,” explained Big East Commisioner John Marinatto. “Therefore, we charge three ejections and $25,000 in fines to his coaching account. Just because he’s waving the white flag on the season does not mean he can weasel his way out of punishment.”
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News Editors Kaitie Davis Jordan Gochman Features Editor Katie Russian Opinions Editor Erinn Koerner Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editor Carmella Luczak
STATEWIDE—While New Jersey’s innovative Anti-bullying Bill has proven remarkably successful in reducing school bullying, it has rendered hundreds of school guidance counselors virtually worthless. “This is what I get for restocking my candy dish,” said Dr. Dianne Hassler, guidance counselor at Grandview Elementary in Piscataway, who has not had any conflicts to mediate for the past week. “I go the extra mile and the government tells me to fuck myself.” Peer Councilors throughout the state have gone on strike from the lack of conflict, while other Peer Councilors are attempting to council their peer Peer Councilors against any rash action unto themselves. “Personally, I don’t think [the Anti-Bullying bill] is worth it,” commented Pamela Handerson, a parent of a student at New Brunswick High School. “When I was in high school, there was this one group of mean girls that, like, totally made fun of everyone else,” said Handerson, “I ended up a stronger woman after I managed to get over the beatings and the name-calling— with the help of therapy of course.” Some school counselors have adapted by devising different ways they can be of service to students. Stacy Ramirez, guidance counselor for the Perth Amboy school district, recently ordered a shipment of Trojan condoms and various sex novelties, and has distributed pamphlets among the student body (entitled Everybody Has Sex). "Of course I'm going to facilitate a careful consideration of alternative options when it comes to sex," said Ramirez. "But without any more students fighting, all that aggressive energy has to be diverted somewhere, right?" Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Photo Manager Webmaster Faculty Advisor
Kenneth Brooks Amy DiMaria Shane Whelan Abe Stanway Abe Stanway Barbara Reed
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the whiny bitches who think they are funnier than us. If you think you're so good, why not participate in the Medium Comedy Show, 8PM, Monday November 15th at the Red Lion. Put your money where your mouth is!
Wednesday, November 10th, 2010
FEATURES “Da na na na na na na na BATMAN!”
THE MEDIUM
Like Christ before it, so has Broetry been resurrected.
You’ve all seen them: the writing on the walls. I’m not talking about your typical Ghost Hunters shit; I mean the incoherent writings of college students lining the stalls of Hickman and Scott Hall. While most are references to some lowlife musician or just a random thought (i.e. “milk makes you think!”), there are some instances when you hit the jackpot: enter the blumpkin. Now it’s common knowledge among men that a blumpkin is getting a blowjob while simultaneously taking a dump. However, it is extremely hard to acquire (I waited in a Scott Hall stall for hours yesterday but got no girl to gimme one). I remembered hearing about a drawing explaining where to get a blumpkin at Hickman Hall, so I revisited that horrid place to see it. I found, to my dismay, the walls were wiped clean! No self-respecting man would ever remove those golden words of wisdom, let alone ones that show sexual gratification. My first thought was that some stupid freshman had just washed it out but when I looked closer at those germ-filled walls, I found that they had been rolled over with
paint! I knew something evil was afoot so I went to President Richard McCormick’s estate to see if he knew anything about this sinister plot but I ended up getting his cleaning lady Consuela, who merely said, “No, no, Mr. Richard na home.” Clearly, Rutgers is trying to cover up their very own secret (and probably cooler) “Skull & Bones” club. I vow to search for this elusive society and all its pleasures ‘till the end of time, and will share my findings to the world. I mean, it couldn’t be that hard to find...
(What one might expect a Blumpkin to look like)
Trotsky’s Tip of the week to get girls:
Unless you drive a Ferrari with the expertise of Dale Earnhardt Jr., don’t try to show off your car and/or “driving abilities” to someone who most likely doesn’t give a flying fuck. No, doing 100 in a 30 mile per hour zone is not sexy and NO, your riced out Honda Civic/Subaru Impreza/Mitsubishi Lancer is not badass.
Medium Words of the Week
Drink Rapist:
A person who forcibly makes people consume drinks they are not comfortable with, or against their better judgement.
Rag Block:
A tactic that involves a woman claiming inability to perform sexual acts below the belt due to her period. Considered the ultimate block move. ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT
15th
The air is getting colder and our high school drinking games are getting older. It’s that time of year again where we start to think about our favorite holidays like Thanksgiving, Chanukah, and Christmas. And okay, I’ll admit Kwanzaa is pretty cool to think about too. Anyway, in the spirit of JC Penny putting out their holiday decorations too early I’d like to share some of my most recent drunk memories with everyone. It’s my way of saying “give thanks and be thankful” stories like mine are nothing more than a good laugh now. 1. Why am I wearing a garbage bag toga? That’s the first thing I remember saying the next morning after I went to a house party in Brick Township earlier this year. I learned a few lessons that night. -Never party in a private, gated community. -Shots of 151 are really bad for you especially when you light them on fire. -When cleaning up vomit, do not use your own shirt. I ended up blacking out and forgetting just about everything that night because of the 151. I woke up the next day at noon wondering why my favorite shirt had been replaced by a white, Hefty garbage bag with holes in it for my neck and arms. Furthermore, after talking to my friends later that day I discovered that I had spent two hours locked in the bathroom on the toilet, ass-naked. Also, to this day I still do not know why I changed my boss’s contact name in my phone to “Tiger Woods.”
Submit to features@themediumonline.com
2. Jameson is a bold choice. This past Saturday I went out drinking with some co-workers and friends to a place in Old Bridge called “The Breakfast Club.” No, the title is not in reference to any type of turkey or roast beef sandwich at Denny’s; rather, it’s an 80’sthemed bar/club. Emilio!!! Living up to my motto of “pre-game harder than you party,” I decided to finish a bottle of Jameson along with the many beers I had in between before hitting the club. When we arrived, I was in frat-party mode. Despite the lack of young women, I thought it was smart to grind up on every single cougar in the place. Okay, so I got lucky and danced with about ten to fifteen different women in an hour. Unfortunately, being the sloshed fool I was at the time, I had started trying to make out with them, especially the married ones. This led to an unfortunate series of events. -Getting kicked out. -Accidentally mocking the bouncer by doing a poor impersonation of his Staten Island tongue. -Running away because he had threatened to flatten my face on the pavement. When all was said and done, I was taken home by a friend and then proceeded to eat an entire box of Cocoa Puffs by myself. That being said, Jameson, my friends, is a bold but dangerous choice. Until next week, be thankful for your friends. They’re always going to be there for you to make togas out of garbage bags to keep you warm. And they’ll always find you half a mile away from the bar you were at to take you home.
THE MEDIUM
OP/ED “UMMM, Can I bum another shower?”
Learning Experience By: Oswaldo Goldbottom STAFF WRITER Everyone constantly says that college is supposed to be a place to learn. As such, if you ask me, “Do I learn things in college?” then my answer would be yes. I’ve noticed recently that I don’t feel that college really teaches you things you need to know in the classroom. You get a bit of content and a bit of stuff to impress your interviewers with (such as the role of gender in developing technologies), but I think we can all agree that some of the classes we take are going to be minimally relevant when we get out of college. As such, I have compiled this list of things colleges should do to give us our money’s worth. 1. Fire anyone that served as a professor to our grandparents. I know that you all think this is so unfair and mean but you can get the fuck over it. We are in a digital age with modern teaching styles and digital resources. None of us have the attention span or patience to walk in a large room and have someone
read to us for eighty minutes from a spiral notebook with lesson outlines written in 1965. 2. Don’t make us buy a damned book if the class consists of us coming to class, and the teacher repeating what happened in the chapter I just read. I have a lot of important shit to do, so if you’re going to basically repeat what I read with no real elaboration, what is the point of coming to class or buying a book? 3. If speaking in English does not come natural to someone, they should not be assigned to teach. I’m not saying that people from other countries are stupid at all but part of teaching is presentation and if I can only understand one out of every seven words you say, the only thing you’re presenting me with is a headache. Maybe you should write a book and sell it for cheaper prices, and that can be your contribution to our education. 4. If you want us to actually learn, calm down
Cute Things Lower Area
with the grading system. We’re all stressed the fuck out. We have to worry about grades, resume builders, paying for college and on top of that we do have a need to retain some of the material, despite the fact that a lot of people go to school for things and don’t actually know how to do it until they get out there and start doing it. I would love to learn stuff but I have conflicting people telling me that my resume means more and that my GPA is everything. I think schools need to cut back on trying to be such hard asses and let classes be about making sure that we understand concepts instead of giving us 300+ pages to ‘read’ in a week (I quote because I know that a significant population only looks through pages for key words, and that’s just the people who give a damn enough to fake interest). I’m burned out and tired. I want to learn but I have no motivation because I am figuratively dead right now. It’s your fault Rutgers, so fix it.
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Rant, Rave, and Retaliate Cute Fact of The Day: “Sea Otters hold
Wednesday, November 10th, 2010
hands when they sleep so they don’t drift apart”
Cute Fact and Pic Submitted by AMY
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A Pox On NJ PIRG By:
Investigatory Journalist
STAFF WRITER NJ PIRG: the student organization that claims to help the University and the surrounding community. They claim to be worth spending our money. I suggest that they spend almost all their time and money desperately trying to get students registered to vote. While voting is a worthwhile endeavor, I don’t think it is appropriate for the University to sponsor. Registering people to vote does not ensure the voting will actually happen; the majority of college students live more than 20 minuets away from the University. NJ PIRG should invest their allocations toward something that would actually help the University population like organizing carpools to get students
back to their districts on Election Day, or providing students with absentee ballots, or even creating a problem free way to create voter fraud. That would be something I could get behind. Also, what’s up with the NJ PIRG elections being super shady? I went to vote (like the involved University student I am) and the election ‘worker’ handed me a pencil. I attempted to use a pencil, but apparently in order to vote you must use an erasable utensil. The worker assured me that my vote was protected from corruption by a PAPER ENVELOPE. Really? I mean come on NJ PIRG. Pencil and envelopes??? It just seems a little hypocritical that the organization that focuses so completely on the democratic process would run an election with such obvious places for corruption.
Ranting on Registration By: ApostroSHE STAFF WRITER
Registration. The student’s most dreaded day of the year. A time when students must face their own immortality. The truth of the RU SCREW becomes once more, a reality. Students will find it impossible to log on to the horribly overstressed system. They will find the classes that Degree Navigator suggested were available do not exist on Web Reg. Students will scramble to fill their 12 credit requirement and be forced to take classes no human would ever willingly sign up for: gender studies, any language, or the dreaded Orgo. Students will also find that due to the overwhelming demand, they are unable to register for any classes until all those that they had painstakingly researched weeks before have been filled. The few seniors who have made it almost to the end begin to register for their last semester only to discover (like myself) that the two classes they MUST HAVE to graduate are filled two minuets after the 10 p.m. sign on time.
Yet these are not even the most horrible things that a student can experience while traversing the terrifying world of Web Reg. A student (like myself) can be denied access to their correct time of registration for a variety of reasons. They may have an over due library book. They may no longer be in the system (remember you are only a number at Rutgers), they may have a financial hold placed on their registration despite having paid their term bill in fill weeks ago (again, been there, done that). While these mistakes may or may not be the fault of the students, there is nothing they can do to fix the problem until the following day. They must try to sleep that night infuriated, knowing that each class they had hoped to attend is being filled with ever passing moment. Then when they finally get the problem fixed (which can take days as there are thousands of students with similar problems all desperately trying to get them resolved), all the classes needed are filled and there isn’t anything anyone can do about it.
Wednesday, November 10th, 2010
ARTS
“You can make almost anything guinea pig shaped if you have the proper tools.”
THE MEDIUM
A COMIC THAT DIDN’T FIT HORIZONTALLY
ONE COMIC
GRAFFITI
TOP FIVE movies Musicals That Don’t Make Me Cringe Most of my childhood was spent watching musicals. My two favorites were The Sound of Music and Bye Bye Birdie. Since I have gotten older, I subconsciously try to avoid everything I did as a child that made me a nerdy weirdo. So every time I’m watching a movie and a backing track starts followed by all the characters breaking into song, I mainly just want to throw up. These five movies are the only musicals that I can watch without cringing.
5) The Lion King - Even though I said I try to avoid things from my childhood, The Lion King is one thing I can still accept. None of the songs aren’t classic.
The Lion King (1994)
4) Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory - I love all the songs besides the one that starts with the line “Cheer up, Charlie.” I guess I don’t mind that it’s a musical because the breaking out into song part is balanced by creepiness and surrealism. 3) Bride & Prejudice - This is a Bollywood version of Pride and Prejudice. It has everything against it in my eyes; it’s a musical, it is based off of a Jane Austin novel, and it’s a wacky Bollywood movie. But I actually really did enjoy it despite all that.
Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971)
2) Moulin Rouge! - The reason that the songs in
Bride & Prejudice Moulin Rouge weren’t embarassing to watch was (2004) because they’re all modern songs and not cheesy, campy, forced rhymes. It was also fun because you already know the words and can sing along.
Location: Behind dumpster in front of Lipman Hall
1) Hedwig and the angry inch - This is the only movie on the list where it actually makes sense for the characters to start singing because it is about a music group, and all the songs are done as a performance or as a music video-type thing. Besides Hedwig and the that, it’s probably the best movie ever made.
Angry Inch (2001)
Moulin Rouge! (2001)
THE MEDIUM
PERSONALS Rules for Life
personals@themediumonline.com and the brand new
www.ilovethepersonals.com HALLOWEEN 2010: IT NEVER ENDS
CAN I GET A TOOT TOOT CAN I GET A BEEP BEEP
To the guy dressed up as Trollface for Halloween, marry me? oh and you should be the FFFUUUU face next year.
To the cute Katzenbach girl who Rides the F bus in the early morning on Monday. Seeing you first thing in the morning makes getting up with 2-5 hours of sleep acceptable. In fact it’s the one thing I look forward to on those crazy mornings. Now it’s just a matter of working up the guts to talk to you directly :-) -Mr. Awesome
that
even
To the girl in the costume at Theta Chi who let me finger her while we danced.....Thanks :) To the members of Skull, Your Halloween party sucked. Your kegs tapped out faster than any of you pansies would in a ring with a preschooler. BRO.
CONTINUED FROM... To the guy who noticed my hair cut, thanks :) my boyfriend did notice it and hates it, so it’s nice to hear that someone likes it. To the kid who writes the weekly personals about Juno girl - Did you get with her or not? Either way, keep submitting those personals please; they’re hilarious. Dear Boys of 48, Let us be your derivative so we can lie tangent to your curves... Love, Your (not so) Mathematically Inclined Friends
The day before my boo’s birthday <3, 2010
“I think my conscience just died. I am now unconcious. Is that possible? How am I talking?”
1. Don’t Use A Carrot As A Dildo. Bugs Bunny Will Come Out Of Your Vagina. He Will. 2. Don’t Wait For The Weekend 2 Bus At The SAC. Not A Stop. 3. Don’t Light Brown People On Fire And Call It Indian Burn. 4. Send Us Personals... How?:
(What does mean?)
(aka November 10)
(Rutgers students like this are so adorable. You know - the ones who aren’t sluts or perverts.) To the fat WHORE who drove the REXB bus to the stop across Hartman Hall last month; I’m sorry that me being a goddamn freshman and calmly asking you how long it takes to get to Werblin pissed u off so much that you had to act like an asshole, get all pissy and yell at me (Two things: First, where and what the hell is Hartman Hall? Secondly, how don’t you know how long the buses take by now?) To the curly-haired kid on the EE, Thank you for being assertive for me. I hope you didn’t think quiet translated into moron.
LIVIN’, EATIN’, SHITTIN’ TOGETHER
SUBTRACT FROM YOUR BUDGET,
What is up with the showers in Quad 3? They oscillate between really hot and really cold far too frequently. I spend most of my shower time stepping to the side waiting for the water temp to reach an equilibrium point. Can’t this school afford some quality pressure valve shower heads?
ADVERTISE WITH THE MEDIUM 1/8 page (5” x 4”) = $45 1/4 page (5” x 7.75”) = $75 We write a story with your business in it = $75 Other Options = Contact Us
(Sir, Madam, or other Gender Identity: This is the most intelligently written personal I have seen in my brief tenure as a Personals editor. You have restored my faith that there are intelligent people out there. But then on the other hand, most smart people just turn the shower on and let it warm up before they step in. So I don’t know now...) to whomever threw away my trash bag with trash in it while I was out of my room: that’s really creepy, but thank you. I’ll make sure to lock my doors to random acts of kindness next time? I really don’t know, but now I’m pretty creeped out. (No, don’t lock your door! You should leave it wide open next time, and stay away for a longer period of time, and maybe they’ll clean your whole room.) To the girl at Katzenbach who’s bitch keeps leaving his condom in the shower WTF!!!!! Do you want to be baby mama’s with everyone on your floor? That is straight up nasty. Good for you wanting to practice safe sex but dam no gives a shit who your screwing. Just throw your dam condoms out or go back and screw in your room! (Umm. Eww. That’s just not good.)
THE TRIUMPHANT DEATH Cause of death: Mafia hit by Editor-in-Chief.
F I N A L M AST E R-D E BAT E RS fo r PA R T Y AV E NU E, N E W B RU N SW I C K “Huntington St! Hot girls and chill guys. Fuck Union’s “rape row!”” “Other- Lafayette Street. Nuff said”
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Mr. EDWARD ULISES CATION III
MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOULS
(BTW - no, that is not a real person. Laugh mofo.)
to the band practicing next to my house, stop please. you sound like an evanescence cover band
Dear Tai Chi Man (you know who you are), Thanks for helping me with calc homework! I got the problem you helped me with right :) In a return of thanks, I will make a special exception this weekend and dedicate my harmonica playing to you instead of the drunk people at roughly 9PM on Friday :) You know where I live. I DOWANNA DO WORK ANYMOREE WAHHHH, help me medium! >___< (The only advice I could give you is to stop working, drop out of school, and sell french fries on the street. But then on the other hand that makes NO sense at all. ) To the anorexic girl in my psych class: please eat more; you’re making me sick. to the indian girl in my courts class, you are quite cute. the one with the pink& purple northfaces. hope you see this & hit me up. Dear Girl with the Dog in the DCC, All afternoon I’ve seen you sitting on a couch with a dog next to you and I didn’t mind the noise the dog made because I assumed you were blind - then I saw you get up and pick the dog’s bone up and realized you weren’t blind. If I weren’t such nice person right now I might be wishing you go blind. Don’t bring your animals to public places and ruin other people’s studying. (Chances are, she’s training the dog for someone blind, so uhh eww. And secondly, how the hell does this ruin your studying. Was he barking???)
lol freshmen on my floor bitching about the RU Screw. You have no idea, new meat. (I know, right! They need to stop.) To the abscess forming above my asshole: you really hurt, and I wish you’d go away. (WHAAAT? You should probably go see a doctor. Or maybe not. Whatevs.) to the cute girl at brower that smiled and talked to me this morning, i would like you in and around my mouth please (I wonder if she knew what a perverted creeper you were when she smiled at you.) STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS To that old shitmonkey who won’t admit to committing pedophilia, I think that you are too old for humanity’s good and you should probably go back to playing strip bingo in the retirement home with the shutters closed like the nonexistent vagina that is embedded in your underaged love interest. Thank you. (Who would actually admit to pedophilia? Do you know what they do to pedophiles in jail???) To that girl I met at Knight Club, next time I won’t be so drunk that I leave with someone that looks like you. (What’s the difference?) SEND THAT SHIT TO...
personals @ themediumonline.com
PERSONALS
Wednesday, November 10th, 2010
“I am in fact, a loser, baby.” CLASSES
WTF MAN?
AWESOME PERSONALS
PEOPLE WHO SUCK
To the bitch that sits in the front in every damn chem lecture. YOU’RE FUCKING ANNOYING. STOP BEING RUDE AND INTERRUPTING OUR PROFESSOR EVERY 5 SECONDS, SECOND STOP LAUGHING LIKE A FUCKING HYENA AND THINKING YOU’RE SO FUNNY. CUZ GUESS WHAT? YOU’RE NOT FUNNY. NO ONE LIKES YOU, WE ALL THINK YOU’RE ANNOYING SO JUST DO US ALL A FAVOR AND JUST SHUT THE FUCKING HELL UP!OR BETTER YET, JUST STOP SHOWING UP TO LECTURE AND JUST EASE OUR PAIN OF LISTENING TO YOU OR SEEING YOU THERE. Thank you :)
THE GUY WIRE IS THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE A GUY! -_-; A wise man once told me that if everyone sucked dick...the world would be a lot quieter ;0
To whoever left the two large HOAGIE trays in our residence hall’s refrigerator...thanks for a delicious midnight snack. Ive been craving Wegmans.
To the couple making out in Neilson, Ew. Neither one of you is attractive. Please keep your hands off of each other until its dark out. Nobody should have to suffer from the nausea that you gave me while I was trying to enjoy my lunch.
Dear Cutie Muffin Cherry Pie, You made waking up early on a Friday for biology worthwhile and the lectures bearable. Please come back! :) Dear Gymnast girl with the ice in my macro class...you’re so freaking gorgeous...I wish I could tell you that... (Here’s some advice on that; TELL HER STUPID!) To the Nature of Politics Professor. I commend you for dealing with this class when you only start with half and the rest of the class walks in 10 minutes before its over to make sure they don’t miss an attendance check HAHAHAHA :] To the douchebag in my Intro to Business class, was it necessary to wear a three piece suit to class,not to mention your perfectly coiffed hair? The only person you’re impressing is your male Asian tickle buddy. To the losers who think that there’s no good DJ at RU: Stop jacking off in your bedrooms and get the fuck out on the streets. Clearly you’ve never heard the DJ on that chills on courtland st. off of easton avenue. Better than Deadmau5 hands down, and he won’t play weezy all night either. To the guy I like; Please stop correcting everyone’s grammar when they are talking to you. In fact, I am pretty sure that’s why no one really talks to you in the first place.
To the guy sitting right in front of me in the livi student center at this very moment, can you please leave the room so I can study and ace this goddamn bio exam I have in 24 hours? please and thankyouverymuch! Honestly? You’re not that attractive. I think you should stop beating around the bush and fucking date me already. To the girl I gave vitamin B-12 to last night at the lab, I have something else to put in your mouth. (That’s romantic <3) To my roommate: WTF did you do on Halloween? Do you know who you did it with? No? (I do...) To the ASSHOLE on the second floor of Frelinghyusen WHO LIVES DIRECTLY ABOVE ME, STOP FUCKING MAKING SO MUCH GOD DAMN NOISE IM GONNA FUCKING TAKE A BUTTER KNIFE, SPREAD BUTTER ON MY EARS AND EYES, THEN CUT MY EARS OFF WITH A GOD DAMN BUTCHERS KNIFE, THEN PROB TAKE A HUGE DUMP!!!FUCK! Sometimes when I eat pickles I dream about a boy with a big head and a huge smile, then I think about cream cheese on a rack in Shop Rite. Which is a better replacement for a dildo..cucumber, pickle, or banana? To the ugly slob with the ponytail on the F bus (who left his nasty ass urine-looking drink on the seat purposely)-I can tell that your dick has never been wet. PS. Sucking the chicken grease off your fingers after touching the bus bars is totally hygienic. (Hopefully he’ll get mouth herpes...or die. Or some combination of those...) To the blister that was living on my foot; Thank you for entertaining me for about 5 minutes at work today. Seriously? Please don’t be gay. I’ll take sexually retarded, but not gay.
To Chuck Norris, I’ll Sparta kick your ass down all your house’s flights of stairs the next time you try and royal my rumble and throw me into your fire extinguisher. Signed, Your Worst Nightmare. To the Portugese men of 86, I’m glad your flag was stolen. One of you still owe me a sandwich. (I like sammiches...) To the guy at work; I wish you would stalk me more... To the bad-mannered idiot last Friday night... Wentworth is in Boston, which is NOT Canada. Maybe if you knew this you wouldn’t be such a pathetic failure. My guy friend ripped my jeans....not sure if it was an accident or he was trying to get into my pants. (If it was, it was obviously a fail...but really funny. Thanks!) To the HOT and SEXY President of Stonier who txts and hangs with me. why must you be so interesting? I constantly feel the need to talk to you and I know u do too :) (Sigh. Spicy Caramel knows what it is like to be in love...) To the girl at Katzenbach who’s bitch keeps leaving his condom in the shower WTF!!!!! Do you want to be baby mama’s with everyone on your floor? That is straight up nasty. Good for you wanting to practice safe sex but dam no gives a shit who your screwing. Just throw your dam condoms out or go back and screw in your room!And wipe that silly smirk off your face everytime you get a guy into the shower with you. We get it, your passing Slut 101. To whomever took my trash bag with trash in it out of my room while I was away; Really creepy, but thank you. I’ll make sure to lock my door from random acts of kindess? I really don’t know...
(There’s a place for people like you...its called a fucking dorm room.) My roommate needs to learn how to play the guitar better. My ears are bleeeeedddingggg!!!! To the “ladies” of Nicholas Hall, Take your god damned hairballs out of the shower. Yeah, it’s gross to stick your fingers in the drain and pull that out. But I don’t wanna shower with your hair swirling around my feet. (Wo)man up! P.S. Whoever left that tampon by the tub, thanks for that gem. I stepped on it post-shower. (This is why I live off campus, because at least I know if I find pieces of uterus in my bathroom, its usually mine...) To the imbecile who just hacked my facebook at Loree leaving a hateful derogatory facebook status under my name that insults my religion and several other people. HA!!! Don’t care, unfortunately for you my faith is strong so I pity you and your stupidity. Take your religion hating ass and stay the hell away from my facebook. I mean it. To the ginger fuck who lives on my street who thinks he’s so cool with his Italian made necklace...stop using your heritage as a defense for your God awful red looking hair.
THE MEDIUM ‘CAUSE I’M MAD
To the man of my dreams; Please don’t be gay. Seriously. I will not take that well. To 4th floor of Mettler Hall; We have the hottest people on our floor. (I hate to break it to you, but no one gives a fuck.) I understand the whole pedestrian thing, but 90% of all of you on College Ave are just really fucing retarded. Didn’t Mr. Rodgers teach you to look both ways? I mean really, wake the fuck up you morons. To the members of Skull, Your Halloween party sucked. Your kegs tapped out faster than any of you pansies would in a ring with a preschooler. BRO. To my dear roomate, what in the fucking world possesed you to come in at 4:30 am and turn on every fucking light in the room? Did you not see I was sleeping like a baby? I’m so glad I’m leaving next semester. To the guy in my class; Yes, I did notice you at Wendys...I just chose not to talk to you. Fuck. I just realized I took the bus here. Fuck you, Weekend 2 bus. I’m sorry but I just can’t make myself like progressive trance. I need songs with actual words and do not last for about 15 minutes. (On second thought, it could be worse. Country music makes me want to break things...) To my co-worker; you should know that I think of you when I use my shower massager for very inappropriate reasons. You’re pretty good, BTW...
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WHAT’S SHAKIN’
Wednesday, November 10th, 2010
“This is if we got Graphic Narratives and jobs”
What the Fuck?
Scheduling Conflict
I don’t have a hell of a lot of events to cover back here so it’s frustrating when they overlap. The best way for me to handle it is to tell you about both and steer you in the right direction. Or don’t attend any of these. See if I care. Billy Collins Reading Monday 11/10 RSC, 8:00 PM Poetry reading and book signing with American poet, Billy Collins. Apparently he’s good?
VS
The Medium Meeting! RSC, 8:00PM Monday 11/10 The people who make this paper all get together and discuss. It’s awesome.
Editor’s Pick: The Medium! Hands down winner for this one. Although I’ll be at the poetry reading for a class. Maybe I’ll run between the two. Inception Friday 11/12 RSC, 8:00PM Free dinner while watching Inception. That’s... that’s pretty damn good.
VS
Rutgers Night Live! Friday 11/12 Cabaret Theater, 9:00PM Original sketches by Rutgers students. It’s like SNL only better since there’s no Seth Meyers.
Editor’s Pick: Rutgers Night Live. I’m always tempted by free food but this show promises to be awesome.
This is Pope John Paul II being made an honorary Harlem Globetrotter. THIS PHOTO IS COMPLETELY UNALTERED. If I was going to alter it, this is what I would do.
This has less to do with me wanting to lead the Catholics and more with desperately wanting to be a Harlem Globetrotter.