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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume xl Issue X
DOUCHES
Heroic Guy Pumps Keg at Local Party
SAY NO TO SOCIALISM
NEW BRUNSWICK SAYS YES TO DICTATORSHIP EON referendum allows “Dictator Fred” to rule with iron fist
BY BULLSHIT BINGO CONTRIBUTING WRITER
BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
MINE STREET—In a move dubbed “really unnecessary,” Rutgers student and frequent partygoer Michael Patel proceeded to monopolize a close position to the party’s lone keg and fill the cups of those who stood waiting for beer Saturday night. Onlookers reported the scene before Smith’s arrival as “completely fine,” where a basement full of college students were having a good time talking, spitting game, and playing various drinking games. The keg seemed to be working properly throughout the first few hours of the night, and many were seen with conspicuously well-filled red cups in their hands. “Who needs a fill? There you go man, no foam there,” said Patel, when approached for an interview. “Just doing my part.” Patel left many stunned as to the true nature of his motives. “I just don’t get it,” said SAS junior Kyle Madison. “I mean, all you have to do is hold down the tap and wait a few seconds. Everyone can pretty much handle it themselves. Who does this guy even know here?” Patel was last seen alone, looking around and smiling while spinning his nose-greased finger in the head of his latest poured beer.
NEW BRUNSWICK—With 100% of all precincts reporting, the results are in: New Brunswick’s choice for a system of government is that of one autocratic ruler named Fred. That option gained 39.2% of the votes, compared to 33.2% supporting EON’s vision of a hybrid ward and at-large city council, and 28.6% calling for the current atlarge system to remain the same. The Fred in question is Fred Byclzynski, an auto mechanic on Commercial Avenue deep in the South Central Newbie. Avi Scher, EON representative, allegedly placed Byclzynski on the ballot after needing an emergency electric bong repair. Byclzynski had refused to work without being given a shot at election. EON tried to avoid problems by downplaying the new option. Their now famous slogan, “Vote Yes for Wards, but please ignore the third option, K?” still rings in voters’ ears. Fred was shocked after beholding his victory. “I didn’t think that I had a chance. Hell, I don’t really think I’d be that good of a leader. But if the people want me to lead, than goddammit, I pledge to sacrifice 300 virgins by the end of month, as well as have a Palace of Justice built only by the finest enslaved consituents.” He reportedly looks forward to his
UNIVERSITY
50¢
November 11th, 2009
AHEAD IN THE POLLOCKS
Also known as Captain Carburator, brother of Hook
new job as Mayor-Despot-for-Life and has a strong vision for the Healthcare City. His first order is to build a glorious statue of himself so tall it will reach heaven and cause the Gods themselves to worship him. Also, plans are underway to develop new boulder throwing technology to make Highland Park quiver in its wake. He supports this because New Brunswickians have had to deal with the sharpened sticks of the Highland Parkers for far too long.
But with these new dreams come new restrictions. Fred is never to be looked at directly by common citizens. As per decree, New Brunswickians must also ask themselves whenever they eat, “What would Fred think of this food choice?” “Sure, some of the statutes are bit draconian,” remarked Arielle Maria Urman, a local underprivileged Hispanic woman. “But whatever. At least Fred likes tacos.”
Expos Drops GOVERNMENT AIRCRAFT “New Humanities CHRIS CHRISTIE BLIMP TO PROVIDE STUNNING AERIAL COVERAGE BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER Reader” for List STAFF EDITOR of Rutgers Trivia TRENTON—A team of scientists at BY BROWEN HEALY CONTRIBUTING WRITER
OLD QUEENS—Challenging times call for “no nonsense” solutions. Students taking Expository Writing this semester can expect some new and exciting changes. The New Humanities Reader, a collection of essays edited by Rutgers English department, will no longer be used as the text for the class. In its stead, students will refer to a list of 20-odd tidbits about the University and its history. “Let’s face it – not every student needs to learn the proper way to tuck a
continued, “TRIVIA,” page two
Zeppy Zeppelins have defied physical limitations and have transcended tacky political mud-slinging by unveiling the KRS-T1 blimp, affectionately dubbed “Christie.” According to head scientist Dr. Mark Kaufmann, the “Christie” utilizes the latest in eco-friendly technology with carbon neutral paint and solar fins. The key feature of the KRS-T1 is the sheer amount of hot gas that spews from the mouth and rectal area. The blimp will make its debut at Rutgers’ next home football match against the University of South FlorTALK ABOUT INFLATION ida.
It’ll make your parents proud! ESTABLISHED 1970
Governor Christie watches over for foul play
THE MEDIUM
NEWS
Wednesday, November 11th, 2009
“Blame the Mushrooms!”
RAMPAGES
WILD MONSTER TRUCK RUNS AMOK IN NEW BRUNSWICK BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—Residents of Hub City are nervously checking their automobiles’ safety as a wild monster truck is still marauding the streets, leaving pancaked sedans in its wake. According to New Brunswick Park and Wildlife Ranger Paul Wilson, the monster truck likely drifted off its normal migratory path from the Pocono Speedway Destructa-Thon 2009 to the Nassau County Monster Truck Wrecker’s Ball in Florida, and ended up careening down College Avenue where it proceeded to destroy four parked cars. “Honestly, we as humans have very little to worry about when it comes to dealing with wild trucks,” Wilson explained. “The truck is more afraid of us than we should be of it.” Damage estimates are hovering around 1.2 million dollars in automobile destruction alone. As of press time, there is no word to describe the amount of money lost in property damage.
EVERYBODY POOPS
Ranger Wilson examines the truck droppings for clues
In order to deal with this situation, the city council has authorized the Park and Wildlife Rangers to use any means possible to reign in the rogue fourwheeler. A previous attempt to lure the truck into a comically ginormous trap using a tank of gasoline and a 2006 Chevy Malibu failed horribly, but nevertheless, Chief Ranger Rick Houston
is optimistic about the hunt. “We’re hoping that he just tuckers himself out and goes in for an oil change. If he does, then we’ll just scoop the little big guy up and take him home to seriously fuck some cars up,” said Houston in a press conference. “Hopefully, it’s over by SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!”
HILLEL OCCUPIES FIJI, DISPLACES FIJISTINIANS BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
COLLEGE AVE—After Hillel’s Tuesday devastation of the land formerly known as Fiji, hundreds of Fijistinians face exile amidst political unrest. Hillel dropped leaflets via unmanned drone over Fiji early Tuesday morning, urging locals to evacuate before the imminent attack transpired. Not all Fijistinians heeded the warning. “My son...dead. Martyr for his God, now,” sobbed the mother of one Irgac al-Ozuturk, a young Fijistinian who was crushed to death among the dusty rubble after refusing to evacuate the premises. A young firebrand herself, Annejh al-Ozuturk has sworn revenge on Hillel for the unjust killing of her son. After seeing Irgac’s lifeless hand pierce through the debris in his last act of defiance, she shouted, “May those Jews burn in a fiery passion puddle!” However, al-Ozuturk and many like her face an uncertain future. President McCormick of Rutgers nation publicly stated that “no Fijistinian riff-raff will ever take refuge in [our] glorious country,” and has mandated a blockade around the Fiji area to ensure no Fijistinians sneak their way in. Hillel has responded by sequestering the Fijistinians in Port-oPotties along George Street, much to the dismay of civil rights groups like Amnesty International (AI). “The way Hillel is treating those Fijistinians is absolutely atrocious!” complained AI spokesperson Rohini Bhamuik. “I don’t care how murderous or
F
Centurion staff explode in postelection ecstacy BY SUM DUM JOO STAFF WRITER
JEWS IN THE NEWS
Editorial Staff Fall 2009
DOUCHES
COLLEGE AVE—A forensics team has confirmed that the pile of ashes and tattered Lacoste polos found near the Rutgers Student Center last week belonged to members of the campus journal of conservative thought, The Centurion. Last week, the RUPD reported twelve separate instances of loud popping sounds quickly followed by a shower of blood and Vicodin. The incident comes on the heels of Chris Christie’s landmark victory. “I was sitting in my Law and Politics class and some guy in the front row was screaming about Karl Rove and Bill O’Rielly when suddenly, his head fucking imploded!” explained one Mary Franzese, SAS junior. “At least they let class out early so the janitors could come in and clean up the blood. I don’t need any more reminder that this is a RED state now!” According to Dr. Andrew Lu, the editors of The Centurion were already at risk for head-poppage. “These guys have been walking around with inflated heads the size of watermelons. It’s a wonder they even lasted past the Tea Party rallies.” Staff members were treated at St. Vincent’s Hospital in New Brunswick but their privatized insurance plans did not cover head re-assembly. Experts agree that The Centurion’s publication will continue unhindered, as most of the staff’s ideas come from an entirely different part of their bodies.
“TRIVIA,” continued from front
HANDS UP!
A Hillel soldier arrests a rabble-rousing paramilitant
unreasonable they are, or how many innocent Hillelite babies they’ve cannibalized over the years!” Hillel has not yet issued a
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Colin Fong John Bender Ryan Buttacavoli Paul Winters
statement concerning the future of the Fijistinians. The Rutgers Department of Food Science has expressed interest in using the refugees for experimentation.
News Editors Abe Stanway Kaitie Davis Features Editor Keith Lawrence Opinions Editor Reven MacQueen Arts Editor Katie Russian Personals Editor Dave Imbriaco
shirt into somebody else’s pants,” said English Department Head Kurt Spellmeyer. “We’re following the Targum’s lead in making sure everyone knows Rutgers is the eighth oldest college in America.” The move is expected to arm students for difficult economic times, prepare for an uncertain future, and to offset last week’s loss of Livingston campus in a hold’em match. “Whenever we economize our resources, there will be controversy” said University President Richard McCormick. “In a recession, you have to figure out what your priorities are. Inane trivia clearly makes the list.” The list will be available at local bookstores this fall. Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Staff Photographer Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Carmella Luczak Mike Vuono Erinn Koerner Tim Swanson Barbara Reed Ass-burger
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its authors. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Twinkies with breasts. Lord knows there are plenty of them here.
FEATURES
Wednesday, November 11th, 2009
“Sesame Street”
DRUNKEN STORY OF THE WEEK
THE MEDIUM WHERE’s WALDO? CAN YOU FIND HIM?
My house has a party last week, and at about 1:40 I decided it was time to break out the bud. I head to my room, and in it, I find a marginally attractive pair of floating tits. I say, “Hey, do I know you?” She says, I shit you not, “My name’s ____. I'm a freshman and I put out." We bullshit around for a couple minutes, and then all of a sudden she gets a text. “It’s from my friend,” she explains. “He wants to leave in five. Wanna make out until then?” The answer, of course, is yes, especially given the seven beers in me. Play of the week: I unhooked her bra without her knowing. I hope it fell off outside. A couple minutes later, we stop, I get her number, and she peaces. Postscript: I call her up a few days later, and it turns out that the “____ Loves You” contact in my phone only has 9 digits. Fail.
Mason Gross Judgment Circle Strikes Back By Special K
It was a beautiful day last Thursday on the Rutgers campus. The sun was shining bright, the sky
was blue, the weather was warm, and I was on my way to the DCC to mail a package to Massachusetts.
by Nadroj Three Haikus about Tits
The Loree field, looking extra emerald green that day, tempted me to walk on the grass of that
magical enchanted field. I was expecting birds to suddenly break out in song, rabbits to hop into place, and Bambe to offer me a ride across the field. Instead, I was met with the searing eyes of the Mason Gross judgment circle, burning through me with their harsh judging stares.
Bro-etry
Round and Supple Boobs Nipples frim, hard and erect Stick my dick between
It’s a phenomenon that happens once, sometimes twice a month on the Cook/Douglass campus
that is distinctively...well...annoying. It always happens on sunny days when the judgers strike, just when
Tits are amazing
you don’t suspect a thing to go wrong, the judgers stare you down while taking up the entire Loree field to
Seriously, they are great
themselves. Bitches.
They’re fucking awesome
Well, I did not succumb to the judgment. I walked right beside their circle, I was almost tempted
to walk through it, that would have been better actually, and I darted my counter stare at them as if to say,
Skank on the LX
“Hey, I’m an economics major and I write better poetry than ALL of you”. Go me! So next time you want
Cleavage busting out of top
to judge me, or anyone else for that matter who’s not in Mason Gross, just remember, we’re talented too. It
I need her number
may not be reciting Shakespeare at random, but you should see me interpretive dance.
With a microwave...yeah. Don’t hate, appreciate the diversity of the world.
The Men Who Stare At Goatse
MAMA BROWER’S PHOTO ALBUM
Here I am being the lead singer for Canadien Rock band Bachman Turner Overdrive
THE MEDIUM
OP/ED “Bidet= Human Superiority”
On Not Talking by Kid in the Red Poof-Ball Hat Contributing Writer
For all you pseudosmartasses: this isn’t talking, this is writing. As I sit in my Linguistics class, I contemplate suicide. Not mine. Why would I want to off myself? I fuckin rock. No, the suicide of the student currently speaking is on my mind. Why the FUCK is this kid talking? He keeps going on and on to the question when all he needs to say is yes or no. Just NO. Even the TA is giving him “shut-thefuck-up” looks. I’m an expert so I can spot those things. You all know what I’m talking about. That one shitstain or group of jerkoffs
in your lecture or recitation that always asks questions that are vaguely related to the topic just to show that they are thinking “outside the box”. Yeah, think yourself out of the box I put you in after I cut you up, asshole. There have been many reasons suggested for why these people talk. All are irrelevant. The solution is death. I hear overpopulation is finally being recognized as a global issue. NO SHIT. That asshole with the fucked up haircut that looks like a bird’s nest; I’d almost feel bad for the moron if he didn’t ACTIVELY WORK to make his hair look that way. Jesus Christ. He just serves to remind me of the importance
of not talking. And abortions. Holy shit yes. China aborted 13 million or so babies last year. What about us? They’re making more money, have more people, and now they’re beating us in abortions too? Us, America, home of the brave, one-night stands, and Plan B? China has so many people they can’t kill off their population fast enough to give us a fucking chance. We suck. Way to go America. Where are all you fucking patriots now? Conclusion: Impregnate a strange woman, abort the baby (kicking preferred) and contribute to the standing of this great nation. Just don’t speak one fucking word while you do it.
Dude, Women Have Rights and Stuff by Dan “Oman” Chog, Jr. Contributing Writer
So I needed a class for my “diversity” requirement and I wasn’t gonna take a class about black people because I already listen to rap music and shit like that, and I wasn’t gonna take a class on Asia or India because I don’t need to learn how to make sneakers and shit, so I took a Women’s Studies class. My fraternity brothers were all like: “Dude, that class is for fags and trannys!” But I didn’t care. Besides, it seemed like an all-around win. If I picked it, I wouldn’t have to take a Friday class, I’d get my requirement done and, dude, it’s a WOMEN STUDIES COURSE! I’m totally gonna
November 11th, 2009
be the only guy there and I’ma get MAD BIDDIES! So I went there and I WAS the only guy. But all the women were fuckin’ ugly as shit! Must have been dykes or something. No big, I probably am gonna look at pics of women in thongs or something. So the professor shows up and it’s this old hag lady and she starts talking about Women’s lube or some shit like that, I was only half paying attention. So anyways, I skip the next two weeks of classes and a midterm was coming up. So I take a look at the reading and what I saw freaked me out! The book says women have rights and feelings and shit! What the fuck? I had
never heard such a thing in my life. The book started talking about how women felt empty as housewives and yearned for a solution to some “problem that has no name,” what, were they talking about herpes? So I ended up learning a lot from that class. First, I am going to pull out more so I don’t leave a baby inside some skank and make her life shitty. Also, I am going to start referring to biddies as “BiddieAmericans,” the more politically correct term. In conclusion, when you ask your bitch to make you a sandwich, let her pick some of the condiments; she has feelings too, and shit.
Letter to the Medium
by Schmavid Schmowie
There is a lot of talk going around these days to become more eco-friendly and to “go green”. Many companies for example, have switched to using more recycled materials and fewer harsh chemicals to make their products better for the environment. So I started thinking about this whole movement to help preserve what is left of our environment and ways for me to help reduce the affects of my own carbon footprint. I have decided that there is no better, more eco-friendly thing a person can do for the environment than committing suicide. By completely eliminating my living body, there is one less person driving a car, smoking cigarettes, using toxic chemicals, not recycling, etc. If everyone really cared
that much about saving the environment they would join me in this movement. People always say that suicide is one of the most selfish things a person can do, but not when it is to help better the environment! Now if a friend kills him/herself you can just explain that he/she was an extreme environmentalist and died to help better the planet for the rest of us. We should all be envious with this type of dedication to the green cause. Also, it will only be appropriate to have your remaining dead corpse cremated, or buried without a coffin and without being embalmed. So go forth eco-friendly environmental enthusiasts and do the best thing for the earth that you can, and die!
The Truth about SEX
Dear Mrs. Palin, I’ve been with my boyfriend for going on 2 1/2 years and I’m ready to take things to the next level. I asked him to move in with me a week ago, and he still hasn’t given me an answer. Should I press him to move in, or leave him for being a commitment phob? Sincerely, Out of Patience Dear Out of Patience, Firstly, you should never be out of patience with your man; it is the duty of a good woman to forever forgive the men in her life, and honor their decisions, whatever they may be. Secondly, you are a whore. A big one.
by Paris Halin Staff Writer
Only unholy women movein with their boyfriends! A marriage license is required before you have license to live together. Years ago the community would be up in arms at the though of a young lady “shaking up” with a man. Today’s society is far too lax…I intend to revoke my journalistic expectation of anonymity and hand your address over to the Westborough Baptist church! After they get done with your little behind, you won’t be so easily persuaded to jump into bed! You may think me harsh, but how do you expect to get married? This is for your own good…to be cliché: he won’t buy the cow if he gets the milk for free.
themediumwantsyou@ gmail.com Think you’re funny? Prove it.
THE MEDIUM
ARTS
Wednesday, November 11th, 2009
“fuck da po-lice”
Pepper-Dick the Chili’s Prep Cook (Based on true events)
Three Minutes Later...
Poem Submission “Chronic ILL-ness” By Billy P, aspiring rapper Also goes by stage name “Bee-Ill Pizzle”
My depiction of what this man may look like ----> Got submissions? Ideas? Fan mail? Hate mail? Embarrassing pictures of enemies? Send ‘em to arts@themedium.net
Mentally ill, Schmentally Schmill I like to say I’m relentlessly real Whatever I’m thinking, that’s what I’m saying if I’m drinking I’m probly just playing but if I get stinking, my mouth it starts spraying and then while it’s shrinking your ego starts praying Dear God... Why do i have This toucan Sam nose? Why’s this the way, my bright red hair grows? Why do my teeth look like that of a ho’s? Why do my tits droop down past my elbows? Why does it look like i have none of those? Why does my dick never look like it grows? Why does my cunt have the queen of afros? Why are my ears built like dumbo’s? Who the fuck does this kid think he is!? But chill bro, it’s all good, I’m special, crazy, disabled...I can’t help it... Swagger like bi-polar means i have another huge cock
DAS MEDIUM
To all the spandex-wearing bitches of Rutgers: If you’re going to insist on wearing spandex all the fucking time, stop it with the granny panties! Don’t you idiotic sorostitutes know ANYTHING about making your ass look good? Put on a damn thong or wear sweatpants, your asses look like you’re 80 or something. To the asshole black kid in Intro to Accounting who sits in the front middle seat;SHUT THE FUCK UP. Seriously you’re either mentally challenged or just want to kiss ass. I don’t care, but stop asking questions every 5 seconds. The class is drawn out enough without your constant queries. So shut up and let her fucking teach. Dear Kelly and your slutty friend, FUCK YOU! Mike and I were the best you two were going to get all night. Nice job fucking that up : ) To the fat bitch in calc2, PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP. You suck the professor’s dick and the TA’s dick! STOP. SHUT UP. EVERYONE HATES YOU. Even the white kid who in turn sucks your dick hates you. YOU don’t know everything. No one else can learn because all of your body mass is suffocating us. One day you will eat the calc2 book and realize you’re still hungry, so you’ll eat yourself out and explode. To the criminal agent who is infiltrating the system as we speak: I love you. Never give up. There are fourteen reasons to keep Dear Tillett...Tell me why I woke up took a massive dump...went for lunch at your place and I saw that on my plate.... (Well, they do have to save money somehow. don’t they? You tink they’re just going to throw up perfectly good shit? NO. Its good for the environment....)
PERSONALS “Yeah Joe, I know you read this.” To that girl in my Renaissance class with the nose that sounded like the cleanup crew for a bukkake orgy; Why the fuck did you come in to class today? This is Rutgers, the PROFESSORS skip class, and you decided at some point in your misguided morning that it would be a good idea to come to class for once when you’re leaking more bodily fluids than the crypt keeper? Are you TRYING to kill us all with whatever the fuck climbed up your nose and ate your fucking brain? THERE ARE SIGNS IN THAT BUILDING that say IF YOU FEEL SICK STAY HOME. Swine flue isnt a joke, people DIE from that shit. Dear female Demarest newcomer: Nobody likes a slut, sweetie. You’ve barely been here a month and already everybody hates you. Why? Because you’re transparent and we can see right through you. You’re full of shit, you’re a bottom-feeder, and you’re nothing but trouble. Watch out, slut, nobody wants you here and let’s face it, freshman in this community who don’t make a good impression don’t last. Not so innocent after all, are you, whore? To the girl in Demarest who’s tiny and yells a lot: Shut the fuck up! You are such a whiny little bitch, always shrieking about your stupid problems to anybody who doesn’t run away when you come ‘round! Everyone is tired of listening to your abrasive voice and your insignificant troubles. You’re in denial, you’re retarded, and you’re annoying as shit. GTFO.
To the NERD ASS socially awkward Brett Kids with math majors, please shut the fuck up while riding the bus! It was by far the most awkward experience listening to you geeks. And to fat chick of I just want to say I have a the group, hold on to the really big penis and I could damn railings. Next time suck my own cock! you fall on me, I WILL file (Wow. You must be one very a sexual harassment suit lonely, lonely man if you against you. have actually figured out how to do that.)
To the fucking waste of life’s that your mothers should of aborted sitting behind me in Physiological Psychology class .. yea you 2 ... SHUT THE FUCK UP !!! Nobody wants to hear you two giggling and tickling each other like your fucking 5 and shit while lecture is in session, just do us all a favor and hurry up and fuck already. Also you dumb cum guzzling chinky eyed bitch, if your gonna come to class 45 minutes late, don’t stand in the fucking doorway of the fucking lecture hall looking for the douche you want to sit next to, and then when u find him, you fucking wave to him from the fucking doorway. You dumb ass bitch your not at a fucking party, your in class act like it. Me as well as your other 299 classmates are tired of seeing this stupid ass bullshit, its not cute, your just making a complete ass out of yourself.
Wednesday, November 11th, 2009
To the girl loudly complaining about being cold at the Scott Hall bus stop last thursday night: Maybe if you put some fucking pants on instead of just leggings you wouldnt be so cold. You look like a trashy whore leaving her pimps house with your oversized button up shirt and lack of pants.
To the effing cunt face who sits across from me in lab; How bout you shut your cum gulping mouth and stop complaining that the kids in Odasis have a greater advatage than you. #1 It started out as a program geared towards minorities becuzase they were less priveleged... there are white people in the program now! #2 You’re half Dominican u crackhead! You ARE a minority so you can have all the resources and tools we have. your just too retarded to grasp that concept...so stop riding your “best friend” who constantly flirts with men’s dick and Ever considering changing wise the fuck up..your an “The Medium” to “Das Me- asshole u scum sucking road dium”? It’d be that much whore...how bout you choke cooler. on a angiosperm dickwad! (Yes. It would. In fact, I’ll To Gov. Christie, first of all do that RIGHT FUCKING what kind of a fucking GAY ass name is Christie anyNOW!!!) To the spanish F bus driver; way? Especially ChristoYou drive like a 90 year old pher Christie? Do your parwoman...do us all avfavor ents hate you or something? Second of all, I just want and get better at life. to be the first one to say, on To the cute petite lady at the pages of this honorable Busch takeout, stop be- publication, FUCK YOU for ing so fucking cute. SERI- screwing Rutgers (because OUSLY, the other night you I’m sure you will). Finally, said “veggie bugga, veggie to all the people that voted bugga!?” I dropped all my for Chrisite: FUCK YOU! wings. And to all the Democrats (She’s probably as funny who decided NOT to vote: as the “Pizza and SA- FUCK YOU ALL THE LAAAAADDDD” Polish MORE!!! Okay, okay, okay? lady at Neilson. It really we all know that Corzine is helps when you’re stuck a political TWAT WAFFLE behind some loud feminist and that he wasn?t anydyke bitch screaming into thing good for Rutgers, their cell phone...) BUUUUUT come on peoTo the fat asian bitch who ple: now we have Corzine’s blocked the aisle and made retarded half-cousin/G.W.B everyone in the back door Clone running the show, so crowd together on the EE is that any better? Seriously. weekend: MOVE YOUR Fuck. FAT YELLOW ASS! (Great. Was that really (That sounds like one very worth it? NO. Sounds like large Twinkie...) you hate everybody. Okay. To my cottege cheese house Okay. Okay.) mate that I wrote to last week; You still owe me 20 bucks, and you’re still a fugly whore who should never reproduce.
I just want to say thanks to all the angry and/or horny people out there that write the majority of the personals. You guys make the days go by a little easier. And it also helps that there’s a place where one can voice their anger or pent up sexual feelings publicly but anonymously. It’s great. (Which is why we have Personals in the first place...) To Web Reg: I will fucking find a way not to have class on fridays whether you like it or not. If you don’t let me not work on that day I will smash the server to little bits. Not really. But that’s how desperate I am. To all the spermsucking shitfaces who have the fuckin nerve to brush their teeth when im tryin to shit. cant i get some damn privacy? i clearly own the bathroom when im in it.. so have some respect and get the hell out you self centered assholes. To the the rotund bitch sitting at the table next to me in Brower; Nobody wants to hear about your sex life, or lack there of. You were screaming across the table to your friend about how “You just want to get laid.” I hate when ugly bitches think they are hot shit and want to get tons of attention. I would rather fuck a meat grinder than put my dick anywhere near your FUPA (Fat Upper Pussy Area). As a matter of fact I would prefer ramming Louis XVI’s throat cavity (post beheading). So do us all a favor and inject some battery acid in to your arm so nobody will ever have to see your fat pimply face ever again. To everyone on the Sunday EE that left around 2:30 from College Ave. I was the fucktard who tripped as he got onto the bus and fell face down. Yes, it was funny. But if any of you motherfuckers post in the personals about it you are goin’ down. -Sum Dum Joo.
Bitch on bitches! personals@themedium.net.
Wednesday, nOvEmBeR 11th, 2009
PERSONALS
“I am responsible for over 1,000 abortions. With my MIND!”
To the blonde bimbo bitch that keeps asking me to make fun of her: what the fuck is your problem? Did daddy not give you enough attention while you were growing up or something? Or am I speaking the truth when I mention that disgusting rash that’s growing between your thighs and the horrendous sores around your mouth? Not to mention you have the intelligence of a goldfish with Down’s. Please do the world a favor and DO NOT REPRODUCE! To the girl who let me fuck her in the ass last night, honestly? don’t eat corn if your going to let a guy fuck you in the ass. seriously, i recall pulling out cause i was about to bust a nut in like 5 minutes because the shit was so tight, and i remember finding a piece of fucking corn on my dick head. seriously... wtf, oh and btw, thanks for sucking me off afterwards (I’ve wondered what girls who did ass-to-mouth thought what their asses tasted like.) To the fat bitch in my EPE class who keeps sucking her snots like a fuckingpig. I can’t stand to hear the chunks of your fucking phlegm hit the back of your throat anymore. Take your swine-flu ridden ass to the farms on Cook where you belong. (EEEEEWWWWW!) To the fat midget whore who splashed her beer on me Friday night: Rachel, wasn’t it?...You drunk disfigured slut. You ruined my sailor costume and I looked fucking adorable. I know you must have been jealous of the fact that I didn’t have rolls pouring out of my costume like you did.. but your jealousy is no excuse and mark my words, when we meet again, I will get my revenge. Until then, I hope you choke on a fucking chocolate covered dick, you mangled cunt. (I didn’t see your sailor costume, but I’m sure you looked like every other Slutgers girl: like a trashy whore :-) Dear second floor RA,we love you, even if you look like fiona from shrek.
To RUPD: thanks for randomly frisk searching my friends on two occasions friday. I’m sure they enjoyed you asking “Have y’all been drinking tonight,” like any other fucker and his mother HASN’T been trying to get wasted. You think its funny to profile some kids over others, because your lame asses had nothing else to do but be complete dicks all night? Right, good luck out there on the streets, because when you get KIA out there nobody is going to a douchebags funeral. =] To the guy who snitched on me in the Livingston Computer Lab. Did you hear the story of a woman who cut up a man because he was a snitch? I surely hope this doesn’t happen to you buddy. I fucking hate snitches as much as I hate the Nazis. To the faggy guido fauxhawk wearing chippendale’s dancers at stone street who didn’t let me into your gay party, Nice matching costumes. I get it though, you go to the gym. We’re all real impressed. Now put a shirt on asshole, and stop hitting on my asian girlfriend. And no she’s not going to just leave me there. You are a total prick, only outdone by your own faggy guido clones. It doesn’t matter though, and I’m not mad, because you guys are clearly all gay. (If we’re thinking of the same house, I used to live across the street from those douches. I’d hear guido bitch-fights breaking out almost weekly. Man, they seriously suck.) To all men in the Rutgers Band, Have you guys realized that you have all been hooking up with the same girl!? It is so ridiculous, I watch you guys get played like there is no tomorrow. I mean damn I know she is a saxaphone player.. so she is great at blowing things... and she is fat so her self esteem is down their as well.. but all of u need to make an emergency appointment at Hurtado asap.. hope u guys used dental dam or something on that bitch!. I guess it true what they say about bandies, cuz all yal motherfuckers fuck like crazy while having no standards.
Dear Lysol Lady, what the FUCK is your problem? I understand that not everyone likes the smell of pumpkin but who doesn’t like the smell of fresh baked cookies?! you are a rotten old wench and you should shove that bottle of lysol up your ass so when you fart it really will smell like roses since you seem to think your shit doesn’t stink anyway. you are the biggest waste of life at rutgers. To the girl ive been watching who wants to chop off my dick... u can tell ur BF that ive been watching you two have sex also.. its like hitting the jackpot, in the comfort of my apartment, ALMOST better than youporn! (Keep digging youself deeper, man. See where it gets you... I wouldn’t push this chick’s buttons.) To the student bitch on the B bus Monday afternoon, You sounded like a complete idiot while arguing with your friend that alaska is not part of the U.S. And NO, hawaii is not right next to texas Honestly bitch, have you EVER seen a map before?!?! I, for one, have never seen a map with hawaii between texas and mexico. How did you get past elementary school? (Easily, she gave rim jobs to all of her teachers. They sure do start young...) To Middle Eastern Tom Cruise - Really? A yourmom joke? What a straightoff-the-boat thing to say. You had an entire week to think of something and this is all your bitchass could come up with. You stupid? Too many head injuries from eating asphalt on your yamahahahaha I suspect. Guess that helmet of yours ain’t worth shit. You should probably go get a new one before the next time you ride off with all your tokyo drift bromosexuals. Vroom Vroom muthafucka. (You guys are STILL going at this? Either fucking fight or have gay sex already!) To that retarded deer who jumped into the lion’s den in DC: you’re proof of natural selection. To all the cocks of rutgers, please, let me suck you and shove you in my tight little asshole
THE HEAVY
FROM THE DESK OF SATANIC YODA...
It’s that time of year again: class-picking time! For you Freshman who haven’t had your anal virginity taken yet, you will be using WebReg, better known as the reason all of you will throw your computers across the room after it logs you out of the system after you press the “Register” button (happened to me Sunday night when I tried to register). And this comes after you spent 3 hours trying to log in, along with everyone else. I guess the point of this is because I’m better than almost all of you and had over 105 credits, I didn’t have to deal with that last part! Suck on that, bitches! The rest of you can have fun crying and tearing your hair our and changing your schedules 400 times to get it to something that works! Given all of this shit, I expect extra-good personals next week :-) Personals@TheMedium.net is still the place to submit your shit. Or if you’re feeling extra motivated/special/horny, come to our meeting this week at 9:00 PM Wednesday night at the Rutgers Student Center Atrium in the conference room. Peace, motherfuckaz. ~Satanic Yoda To the fob & her bff who decided to sit directly behind me at the douglas library to chat & debate that jesus had a brother & talk about her arranged marriage to some dude in india. STFU. I hope he’s a fat fuck with a toupee and a wooden leg to beat you with. To the four bible thumpers in the CCC on Monday night WTF! You should take your fictional stories and tell it to someone who gives a shit and no Jesus will not be making an appearance any time soon (Jesus DID appear a few months ago in our Meet the Medium issue. Oh wait, that was me!) You know, one time I farted so badly that I had to spend 15 years in jail....for air pollution. (Eat less at Tillet, man.) To the loud girls on the 2nd floor of Katzenbach- KILL YOURSELVES To the men of Demarest: For God’s sake, STOP PISSING ON THE SEATS! Is it that hard to lift the lid of a toilet bowl? You forget some of us eat at Brower and, as a consequence, we have to shit at some point or another. Seeing the seat covered in yellow dots only hinders our ability to shit. To the girl in my lecture class who said “start making noise, he’ll stop” like seven times. shut up and stop sticking your ass in everyone’s face!
The Targum gets shittier every week while The Medium just keeps getting better. More funding to The Medium please. Why the hell do I want to read about restaurant regulations? I don’t wanna read shit like that everyday. At least they toned down the Knecht guy. Holla to the editor. (Good,someone else thought that column was fucking retarded. To the stupid ass fucking chick on the 4th floor of frelinghysen located across from the girls bathroom ..... all i hear from your room is banging< and i dont mean of the sexual sort > your must hit your fucking head on the brick wall at least five times every night from thirsty thursday through sunday (the LORDS day!!).im gunna hold a fucking raffel in our building to raise money to buy u a helmet so u wont loose as many brain cells and flunk out of colllege. k. denada punta... (Whatever the fuck “denada punta” means...) To the kid in my micro class who wear’s a yamacha every day. Your voice is annoying and your questions suck. When you open your mouth even our professor gets frustrated. And remember the day when our professor said the other kid’s idea was better? yea he wasn’t kidding, idiot Who the fuck is Brooklyn ass pounder?
What’s Bearkin’?
Wednesday, November 11th, 2009
“I am become death, destroyer of worlds.”
Cut Them Down, Bears of the North!
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