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THE GREEN PRINT PRESENTS INSTA: @themediumRU
NOVEMBER 11th 2015
Volume XLX Issue IX 50¢ SWEAT SHOP
CENTER FOR TEXTILE ENGINEERING COLLAPSES, REVEALING CHILD LABOR
IN THE CENTERFOLD:
BY SAWYER SCHMOOZE EDITOR
P I S C ATAWAY — P o l i c e responded Monday to the collapse of the Center for Textile Engineering on Busch Campus. Located in the shadow of the cogeneration power plant, the building dated back to the Vietnam War, when it was intended to be a temporary structure. At the scene, screams of those trapped could be heard through the rubble, all the way to the police line twenty yards away. An eternity passed in the minutes the heavy rescue team took to clear the debris safely. The team was able to recover all the people trapped within. In an unexpected turn of events, the trapped persons turned out to be thirty young children, registered by the school as exchange students from Indonesia and Cambodia. Seven died and twenty were severely injured. Investigators have yet to determine whether these casualties were the result
"MACHINE WASH ONLY" The University's Public Relations Department is already hard at work making sure the children recover quickly
of the collapse alone. In response to this shocking news, the Textile Engineering Department issued the following: "It is a great tragedy that Rutgers has lost lives this week in the collapse of the Center for Textile Engineering. The students, all visiting from abroad, were dedicated, hard workers and will be sorely missed. They would spend all day in the Textiles Lab, perfecting their craft.
"Unfortunately, these industrious youths and their peers will be abandoning their projects while they mourn and recover. To this, students should expect no more free apparel from the University." This collapse has drawn the eye of Campus Facilities to the Packaging Engineering and Rutgers Formula Racing structure, also an unsafe edifice. Nothing is planned before those buildings, too, collapse and kill people.
CONNECTING THE D.O.T.S.
Crowdsurfer Fits into Packed B Bus
Cook Campus Farmers' Market Sustainable Living Mr. and Ms. SEBS Volkswagen Scandal QUICKIES
Anniversary Surprise Revealed as Giant Toblerone on a Truck Bed Amish Millennials Take Self Portraits Astral Projection Classroom Empty, Fully Attended
YOU'RE COOL AS LONG AS YOU'RE BEHIND THE LINE The Department of Transportation Services (DOTS) declared that the buses will not be retrofitted with seatbelts as proposed. They insist that standing behind the white (occasionally yellow) line is just as safe as using seatbelts in the event of a crash, if not safer. The stirrups are also safer than seatbelts if you ignore the possibility of wrist dislocations.
BLASTING OFF AGAIN Since 1970
Bobby Jindal Defends "Open Curry" Demonstrator
the Medium
NEWS
Wednesday, November 11th 2015
themedium.news@gmail.com
“Your babysitter cursed at you in Russian?”
THE BUSCH LEAGUES
NOT SHEEP. LIVESTOCK!
Engineering Frat's First Party "Settlers of Catan" used to Becomes Study Session Teach International Trade
for booze. “At first we got some freshmen looking for a NEW BRUNSWICK—As the College Ave party on a Sunday nights get colder, the party season afternoon and they were excited heats up. Even professional because it was their first party,” fraternities are participating in said Professional Development the fun, thereby distinguishing Chair Roselia Grundt. “During themselves from honor societies. the course of the party one of Epsilon Nu Gamma (ENG), the our brothers found out that a only all-inclusive professional frosh needed help with Calc, engineering fraternity at Rutgers so he decided to break out the University, decided to join the textbook and help him right fray of hosting wild ragers. there!” “I was walking from our After word spread on house on Louis Street to Alex LinkedIn and 4Chan that ENG on Friday night and saw a was offering free tutoring, house party going on. We could their house got swarmed by totally throw a party like that,” desperate upperclassmen recalled Nikhil Patel, the third business students trying to pass consecutive Nikhil Patel to be their major courses. “This place President of ENG. “I felt like really got packed,” said Grundt. we could engineer a better party “I mean we had more people than those SAS fuckboys. I mean in our house than ZBT had all seriously, what do they know weekend. I guess we showed that we don’t? We're fucking them!” engineers!” Senior Jim Lense was The party, which they held grateful for the study session, Sunday morning, went off to saying, “Hey, this frat ain’t that a slow start. It really picked bad. I think I might be able to up around noon, when the graduate this year with the help guests woke up and came over of these Greek Geeks.” BY THE HONORABLE CROOK A GENEROUS, GENEROUS MAN
SEND IN ARTICLES. AND PICTURES OF
SPIDER-MAN!
-J. JONAH JONATHAN TRIGGER WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT
BY SAWYER WHOSE EDITOR?
P I S C ATAWAY — E c o n o m i c s professor Dwight Freemont is a game changer. To increase the engagement of his International Trade Relations class, he is implementing the popular board game 'Settlers of Catan'. "Through this game, students are able to better practice the theory of production efficiency," explains Freemont, "and they take the game to a whole new level! It used to be that even I fell asleep during my own lectures. But the class is exciting now, I've seen students who aren't even taking my class come in to practice International Trade." "You just don't get the same
realistic experience from Risk, Age of Empires, Clash of Clans, or Farmville. I guess it's close to Monopoly, but we only have class for three hours a week." Nahmeen Collins, a junior Economics major, commented on the new lessons. "I used to love playing 'Settlers' on a Friday night with my house mates. Now, I'm way too hardcore and no one will play with me. It's just not fun anymore. "I always realized Econ had its real life applications, but this is too much. I've started calling Cook-Douglass Campus 'CobbDouglass' seriously." There's nothing more to write because no one really cares, do they? This idea was waaaay too niche.
MORE OF A FRAUD THAN EVER EXPECTED
"Fuck It, I'm Not Even a Real Doctor" Says Ben Carson BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS LOOPHOLE NAVIGATOR
Riding his recent wave of unpopularity, Dr. Ben Carson recently came out to the American public, admitting that he is not actually a real brain surgeon as much as "a real brain surgeon!". Carson holds no such medical degree what-soever. This announcement comes only days after it was revealed that he fabricated the claim of being awarded a West Point Fellowship. These announcements are much to the dismay of the Republican Party leadership, who collectively stated that they "can't catch a break with any of our piece of shit frontrunners." Carson's family members are overjoyed to see their loved
one give up this charade and be honest with himself. "It's been tough on my dad," says Carson's son Murray. "Ever since he got that part being the doctor on 'Stuck on You' everyone assumed he was a real doctor, rather than a C-list actor." Carson himself reported earlier through social media that "the relief from telling everyone the truth has lifted a great weight off [his] shoulders." Carson went on to elaborate on the peer pressure he endured from within the Republican party to advocate inexplicably radical ideals. He felt that his facade of a political campaign has greatly strained his acting skills and that he will require time to convalesce. Fortunately, he has unused campaign funds.
REMINDER: WE NEED MONEY TO PRINT THIS. YOU DERIVE GREAT PLEASURE FROM THIS. BROALA SHIRTS ARE ON SALE!
Editorial Staff Fall 2015
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Michael Vincent Yagnesh Patel
Matthew Fastiggi Fratypus
News Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Jonathan Holzsager Opinions Editor Lee Matalon Arts Editor Jake Goldstein Personals Editor Sifat Mahbub Page A7 Editor Andrew Blustein Features Editor Aly Grindall
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Matthew Fastiggi Sifat Mahbub Orion Farr Adam Romatowski William Field RUSA Allocations
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the Green Print. You saved us from the brink, but not from drink.
OPINIONS
Wednesday November 11th 2015
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
the Medium
“Al Gore is, like, so dead.”
KAZAKHING OFF
I Jerked Off With A Banana, It Was Alright BY PETER PLANTAINS
So yeah, I am Peter Plantains and I jerked off with a banana. I mean it’s just kind of getting too cold out now, it is November after all. And that means I just really don’t have it in me to head out at what, like ten on the weekends and try to find some girl desperate and filled with enough daddy
issues to sleep with. On the other hand, jerking off with my hand doesn’t really do anything for me anymore. You know at the point where like too much birthday cake just makes you sick and wanna puke? That’s kind of how I feel with normal jerking off now. Like yeah, it does its job and it’s sweet and all, but you know, I am just jaded of it. I started fiddling with myself like back when I was twelve, so almost a decade of that and it would bore anyone. And so, that’s how I got here. Currently there is a banana peel on my desk with some of man-juice in it and I only sort of regret it. It basically started with me eating my banana because it was getting all brown and I couldn’t bring myself to let another one spoil. And then I realized I had a half-chub going on, from all the pent up non-fucking time I guess. So I did what any other normal guy in my position would have done; I stuck my dick in the banana peel. Wrapping Mini-me in the freckled banana skin, I loaded up some thing from PornMD and went to work. As the stringy insides of peel mushed against my dick into this weird puree, I just started to grab harder and harder as I got closer, and then finally the moment of bliss came and I came. But then it was in the moment of full 20/20 clarity right after someone busts a nut that I realized how fucked up this probably was. So quickly removing my dick-sheathe, I googled “using a banana to jerk off,” and found I could get an infection. Overall, the experience itself was like a 6/10, but the chance of infection is definitely NOT worth it, would not try again.
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What Do You Think of Monsanto? “I really hate how they spread their seed everywhere.” Jebediah Cummings Gay Farmer
“I LOVE Monsanto!” Hugh Grant CEO of Monsanto
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
Jap Is Our Word BY ANDREW YOSHINAKA
As Asians, and as minorities in general, my people are oppressed on a daily basis: Gooks, Yellows, Nips; nothing is more offensive than Jap. We get it, the Japs bombed Pearl Harbor. Japanese Americans were loyal citizens with nothing to do with it. Yet, my people were thrown in Internment Camps against their will. I have no pictures of my great-grandparents from Japan. No family tree. They were all burned by my grandparents during World War II. My mother told me stories of her father’s rare Samurai sword that he buried to hide from the police. It was never found. So yes, not only is it offensive to use the word Jap. It’s offensive to misuse the word Jap. It refers to my people. It encodes our plight and suffering. It’s a cultural crime to assign the word any other meaning: offensive or otherwise. Check yourself before you marginalize another group’s entire history.
JAP Is Our Word BY BROOKE GLYNNE
Ugh oh my God, I don’t get it. Like, you’re gonna call me a JAP, that’s fine, but like don’t get all hurt over it. JAP is an acronym for “Jewish American Princess.” It’s an acronym, that’s totally different than a word. Like, we learned this at the JCC preschool. So if you’re gonna call me a princess that’s one thing, but like, don’t think that you’re not gonna get away with not oppressing someone else. And FYI, we were in Camps too. Like, my parents sent me to Camp Shalom for SIX YEARS. Even in High School. So while all the non-Jewish girls got to, like, stay home and drink and hook up with guys, and I had to wake up for Shabbos prayers in the auditorium. And we weren’t even allowed to hang out at [the boys’ campus,] Camp Torah. So if you’re gonna call me a JAP, that’s like rude or whatever, but then don’t complain about other people calling you a Jap, especially if you’re not even Jewish.
YOU’RE NOT ALONE. There are plenty of people going to our meetings, Wednesdays nights at 8PM in room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center.
FUCK ELI
WINE & LIFESTYLE “AL GORE IS DEAD?!”
Every now and then, we at the Medium pay tribute to the finer things in life. This week’s Wine & Lifestyle is dedicated to educating a discerning audience on the vast array of musical sensations available to tantalize the ears. This week, the Medium will review...
NICKELBACK
Nickelback ROCKS!
“Wait, what?”
Just LOOK AT THIS graAAPH!
Hugh Grant British Actor
They Suck
I LOVE THEM
Special Edition: Sponsoring The Medium
November 2015
The Farmer’s Market in Our Backyard By Kevin Marceski Every Thursday morning, Douglass campus is delivered a fantastic bounty of fresh fruits and vegetables sold at dirt cheap (pun intended) prices courtesy of the New Brunswick Community Farmers Market. The NBCFM is a joint partnership between Rutgers, Johnson & Johnson, and the City of New Brunswick that brings fresh, high-quality produce right onto our campus at a fraction of the price you’d see in many of the local grocery stores in town. The market is run almost exclusively out of Pop’s Farm, a local farm located in Monroe Township that has an extraordinary selection of produce from garlic to cabbage, radishes and broccoli, apples of every variety you’ve ever seen (and then some!), and all the leafy greens you could want! Past week’s markets have even featured Benson’s Barbeque, a local favorite, grilling up ribs and chicken to satisfy your inner carnivore. All of these options come at an extreme bargain too, which is always a plus for that college sized hole in your wallet. For less than $8 you can stock up on an entire week’s worth of vegetables that would otherwise cost you twice as much at Bravo. But the greatness that is the NBCFM doesn’t end with us as students. The New Brunswick Community Farmers Market is so much more than just a sweet deal for Cook/Douglass students; their official mission is as follows:
The few options that tout healthier selections are often far more expensive than their unhealthy counterparts, providing further incentive to remain on a diet of fatty, processed foods. New Brunswick fits this model to a T, where even Chipotle is a contender for one of its healthiest options. The Farmers Market brings a healthier option to the table at a much lower cost than any of its relative com petitors, and they do it in a way that helps even those most disenfranchised from buying healthier choices make that change. The Market has developed a system in coordination with the SNAP program to help those with tighter budgets include even more fruits and vegetables in their diets. For every $10 spent using SNAP/EBT, WIC, or Senior Farmers Market Checks, customers get an additional $5 to spend on anything in the market. At their already low prices, gaining an additional $5 in produce lets members of the community get the most for their money while moving towards a healthier lifestyle. Having an outlet for people to choose healthier foods at prices that won’t cripple their wallets is an essential service for the City of New Brunswick. Just awarded Best in Class by the American Farmland Trust, the NBCFM is well on its way to becoming that outlet. Support from the students of Rutgers means a more prosperous community for us all and if we can do that while enjoying a crisp apple on a windy day, I’d say it’s worth it.
The New Brunswick Community Farmers Market exists in order to provide high-quality food for members of the community who are at risk of hunger and lack of access to healthy foods. By purchasing from our market vendors, you are supporting our mission to provide a place where families can buy fresh, locally-grown fruits, vegetables, and healthy products. You see, New Brunswick is what we would call a food desert—an area, often a city or densely populated area, where dietary options are restricted to few, if any healthy choices. Most of the food available in these areas are processed, fast foods that remain popular out of necessity both geographic and economic.
Volkswagen Says Shut Up and Take My Money By Katarina Piasevoli In September, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) found a number of Volkswagen cars with diesel engines being sold in the United States equipped with defeat devices, an emissions cheating software. The software could tell when it is being tested and change the performance accordingly to improve results. The German car manufacturer has since admitted to cheating on emissions tests in the US. The scandal has left many drivers disenchanted with Volkswagen. The company’s stock dropped 50 percent after the news became public. After cheating on emissions tests and misleading the public about how efficient its clean diesel vehicles were, Volkswagen is now attempting to make amends with its US diesel drivers by giving them free money. On Monday, the company announced it will payout its customers though what they call a “TDI Goodwill Program.” US drivers who own eligible models can collect a $500 prepaid card and another $500 to use at a Volkswagen dealership. The CEO of VW US, Michael Horn, explained the program as the first step in regaining their customers’ trust.But what about the nitrous oxide they illegally and purposefully spewed out into American air? The cars emitted more than 40 times the allowable limits. Volkswagen admitted that 11 million vehicles worldwide were equipped with the software. Half a million of these were in the United States. Although the company issued a recall on the affected vehicles and started giving customers free money, they most certainly have not paid for their crimes. It is facing up to $18 billion in fines from the EPA. In addition, many angry drivers have joined in filing dozens of lawsuits against the company. With a mounting financial and public relations nightmare, this is not going to be a mistake from which Volkswagen can quickly recover—and $1,000 alone definitely won’t get the job done.
2015
ovember Events 12
Andrew Revkin’s Welcome to the Anthropocene DCC
12
16
19
7:30-9pm
Trayes Hall
Jersey Fresh Farmers Market Nichol Ave next to Post Office Every Thursday on Cook 11am-3pm
Rutger Energy Institute Climate Change Education Marine Science Alampi Room 10:30am
RU for Community Food Society - Movie Screening Rutgers Student Center Room 411 6:30-9pm
20
Exploring the Role of Bats in Climate Chnage and Polar Regions
Livingston Student Center Mason Gross 5-7pm
TBD
Green Print Release Party
Mr. and Mrs. SEBS Pageant By Milan Martin On Friday November 6th at 7:30, A group of six foxy females and six manly men graced us with their presence as they competed for Mr. and Mrs. SEBS 2015. Moes also blessed us with awesome catering for the event (more of a reason to go to this event next year). The contestants: Katarina Piasevoli, Francesca Roesli, Ali Zadia, Kevin Marceski, Frank Macquarie, Gaby Talarico, Tom Hoge, Edwin Xue, Chris Mazzacano, Caitlin Uriarte, Diandra Arthurton, Jaclyn Bird were joined by their lovely hosts Kelly D’Amico and Sam Coakly. Each contestant dressed to the nines and was asked a series of “challenging” questions including, “what are three uses for a pencil other than writing?”, “what are the contents of your refrigerator?”. After the questions, the contestants were made to compete in a series of “minute to win it” games, which were personally, hilarious yet disturbing (try watching 6 guys viciously shake their butts for a minute trying to shake out ping pong balls from a box taped to their butt). Yeah, I know it’s hard to picture. Anyhow, the women were subjected to do the same and then they also all had to stack Oreos on their foreheads. After these rather intense challenges it was time for the audience to choose the deserving male and female to be crowned Mr. and Mrs. SEBS. After much anticipation it was announced that Diandra Arhturton and Chris Mazzacano had won the coveted title! I personally had a blast watching everyone compete and embarrass themselves a little. Definitely come out next time they do this because you get to see some quality entertainment from your fellow SEBS colleagues.
Hidden Grounds Coffee
Paradise Waiting - Vacationer 1977 - Ana Tijoux Theivery - Arca Veritas - Oceaán Ég veit ég vona - Ojba Rasta All I Want - Bob Moses Tarapana - Severina Fairytale - Milky Chance Boombastic - Shaggy Criminal - Fiona Apple Forgiveness - Spazzkid Glass & Patron - FKA twigs River - Ibeyi Bloodstyle - Caroline Smith
DIY Sustainability By Kevin Marceski
To live sustainably is to carry on your life in a way that ultimately makes it no harder for future generations to achieve an equal or greater standard of living. I frame it this way because in my mind the ultimate goal of sustainability is to increase the longevity of the human race for as great a time as possible and in doing so, pave an equitable path for each successive generation. Sustainable living lays the foundation for a society that considers the impacts of its actions and contributes towards a common goal of living in ultimate harmony with the natural world and with each other. One particularly enlightening tale of sustainability comes from the 66th parallel: the story of Guðrún Arndís Tryggvadóttir, a native resident of the Icelandic countryside who shares my vision of sustainable living for the future and exceeded its scope tenfold. Guðrún, or Gunna as she likes to be called, started with the idea that the schematic for living sustainably should be commonplace for everyone growing up in today's world. She's started a website in Iceland by the title of Nature.is that gives anyone that logs on just that; a schematic for sustainable living. The guide comes complete with easy-to-read, family friendly illustrations and examples as a way to easily bridge a gap towards sustainability that most think they need to build a house in a tree to achieve. Her hope is that she will go out of business. She wants her website to become obsolete. Gunna’s mission is fulfilled by citizens of the world inherently knowing these things, by all of her sustainable constructions being common knowledge. Even the Icelandic government realizes that she is doing the work they should have done some time ago and has been actually funding her in increasing amounts for the past six years. Maybe what we need to make living sustainably easier is an instruction manual on how to do it. Maybe the work Gunna is doing will catch on, and living sustainably will become the new normal. Maybe a world where individuals come together for a common good isn’t so farfetched after all.
This organization creates a newsletter for SEBS students. The content centers around Cook campus community happenings and environmental issues relevant to the lives of students. Our writers work to creatively convey news issues to the public. Want to write for the Green Print? Come check out what we’re all about! Meetings every other Wednesday @ 8pm In room 111 downstairs in the CCC Email us at: sebsgreenprint@gmail.com Give us your stories! Feed the Green!
Visit Us Online: RUgreenprint.com
the Medium Bus Hookups
To the guy wearing a cow onesie on the bus today, if you’re reading this: Will you go out with me? (Don’t worry, he’s not reading this.)
To the guy on the bus who looks like Seth Rogen, can I be your James Franco? (YES. Can you two get together and please make Bound 4 happen?)
Sights and Sounds
PERSONALS
Wednesday, November 11th 2015
“Sometimes the titles are purposely irrelevant to the content. Because, fuck you.”
themedium.personals@gmail.com
Irrelevant Title
PornMD
Hey Y’all
(This just sounds like a new take on “I’m not racist but...*says something blatantly racist*” I see you for who you are, you dick.)
(We at The Medium have an unhealthy obsession with porn. During our free time we managed to find a life feed of porn searches. Here are some of the standouts. Yes actual people search this shit. Shoutout to PornMD for effectively traumatizing me.)
I didn’t watch SNL this past weekend but I’d like to thank them for having not one, but THREE Donald Trumps.
I’m the asshole that glorifies mixed race babies but come on...they’re so fucking cute. And MIXED.
I had a dream that a chunk of my hair came out. What does this mean?
I walked in on my room- (Depends...from which part mate fucking his girl on of your body did this chunk our couch in the living of hair come out of? If it’s room. Now not only am I your pubes it means you’re dying.) scarred for life, but I can’t sit on my comfy couch Dear Personals Editor, anymore, all because of Fuck You. I’m the “deeper” guy, but guess who that fucking asshole. has a date with that girl (Piss on his bed and then this weekend. Not your set it on fire as revenge.) scummy ass for sure. I wish my housemate (I’m sure the date will still could keep it down evend with you crying while ery time she had sex masturbating in the showwith her boyfriend. The er. So don’t worry.) walls are really thin you Please stop calling me know? Jake from State Farm. (Idk dude maybe try buy(Okay, but will you still help me get a better rate on my insurance?)
Egypt. Hamster caught masturbating. Lactating milk. Flat chested girls lactating. Cheesy dick.
Mom jerking son. McDonald’s Milkshake. I have a throbbing headache.
Asian onion booty.
Flat chested girls lactating.
You could’ve had three Larry Davids instead but apparently SNL writers hate Americans. LOL NO.
Everything’s Fine
I just fucking choked on my pumpkin spice latte so happy motherfucking Monday.
No amount of alcohol and coke could make Donald Trump funny on SNL but God knows I tried. (I thought this was going to some kind of juicy info on how Trump does coke but now I am disappointed.)
(That’s what your ass gets for being basic enough to be still drinking pumpkin spice lattes so Happy Fucking Monday to you too.)
I told my boyfriend I felt Knife stabbing. naseous for all foods except Qdoba and he ofTriple Dildo. fered to get me Qdoba. I Choker neckless can’t wait to have pregnancy cravings with him. Redhead midget. <3 Lesbian mom and daugh(I really just don’t care.) ter.
I could be studying for midterms right now but I’m sending in personals because the personals editor is a lovely, intellectual, and kind human being. And no, she didn’t write this herself. And yes, there is a gun to my
Flood Gates Open Continued From Sports purgatory you shall remain with me forever,” Hermann allegedly bellowed to no one in particular in her private office. “I could eat your cold, black heart Kyle, but you still wouldn’t die. Such mercy will elude you forever. Death’s sweet kiss is reserved for the godly folk. No, you are instead cursed to bathe in the negative press and mediocrity surrounding Rutgers football for eternity!” Hermann was later taken to a local treatment center by a psychiatric response team. President Barchi was unavailable for comment. His press conference was supposed to begin at 4:00 pm but his homemade clock sometimes malfunctions and he likely was unaware of the actual time, according to a university representative.
How GIRTHY are you!? Respectable
Dangerous
See a Doctor
See me!
Wednesday, November 11th 2015
themedium.features@gmail.com
F/ARTS
the Medium
“NICKELBACK IS WORSE THAN GLOBAL WARMING”
WELCOME TO RUTGERS
Top 10 Things To Do While Walking Past a Tour Group BY BOOBLESNOT It’s that time of year again when kiddies from all over New Jersey and people who think they’ll be okay without mommy and daddy’s help without ever having done shit for themselves come to tour our great University. You love your fellow students here, we all share our bond like no other. So why not interact with your future classmates and show them what being a true Scarlet Knight is all about! Here is a list of some of the best things you can do to make them feel this is the best university for them! 1. Walk past the tour group hysterically crying. It helps if you are carrying an exam with a large letter F on it, or perhaps a half empty bottle of vodka, but this is entirely up to your taste. 2. Be on the phone with another fellow Scarlet Knight and walk past the group saying how thankful you are that you finally fucked your physics professor; not only was that dick bomb, but otherwise you would have never passed the class! 3. Yell “Fuck Penn State!” I know we lost and all, and were humiliated, but it’s really the only thing we have going for us anymore. 4. Ask all the girls for their Kik. They have to get used to it anyway! 5. Tell the group there is no way they will make it here with the ratio they have now. Tell them their dads are gonna have to throw 5s. After all, you’re just giving them a friendly warning! 6. Join the group! You’re not really going home to do homework anyway. Start asking impossible questions like what is for dinner in the dining hall today, or when the F bus is coming on Busch. You know the tour guide can’t answer these, and you’ll have a great time making them look like shit! 7. While in the group, whisper to several other members “God, I don’t know about this, this just isn’t as good as Stockton” 8. Follow the group around with a megaphone, spouting the latest “evolution is a lie” speech you’ve been preparing for months. 9. Fill your mouth with oatmeal (make it really liquid-y) and pretend to vomit in front of the group. 10. While in the group, someone WILL bring up the Douglass campus. Upon hearing the word, look petrified, gather your shit quickly, breathe heavily, and suddenly scream “NOOOOOOOOO” and run away.
“THE HIPSTER HIP” BY GOLDIELOCKS
BEARS ARE GOING CRAZY
List of Microaggressions BY EATON JEJEZ
Its finally November, and the Center for Caucasian Justice - an organization of white social justice reformers - has released its annual List of Microaggressions. Here’s a handy guide for navigating CCJ’s 2015 List. Banned Word: Negroni (n.) Meaning: A cocktail made of one part gin, one part vermouth rosso (red, semi-sweet), and one part Campari, garnished with orange peel. Reason: Contains the word “Negro.” How to replace it: Next time you’re at the bar, make sure to order a POCroni. Banned Word: India (n.) Meaning: An Asian country with population of 1.252 billion. Reason: Culturally appropriates Native Americans AKA American Indians. How to replace it: The country and subcontinent should now be referred to as Native America. Banned Word: Gyp (v.) Meaning: To cheat or swindle. Reason: Offensive to Roma people, commonly called Gypsies. How to replace it: The correct term is to Jew someone. Jews can’t be offended because they have privilege. Banned Word: Rapeseed (n.) Meaning: A bright-yellow flowering member of the family Brassicaceae, commonly used in the production of bio-fuels and canola oil. Reason: Propagates rape culture. How to replace it: The correct term for the plant is the anti-euphemism Consentseed. Banned Word: Retardant (adj.) Meaning: The property of a substance that prevents or inhibits something, especially the outbreak of fire. Reason: Contains the word “retard.” How to replace it: Fire blankets should be called Fire-Specialant. Banned Word: Gay (adj.) Meaning: Lighthearted and happy. Reason: This alternative meaning of the word is excluding of other non-straight, non-cis identifying individuals or non-individualistic self conscious entities. How to replace it: Express your happiness freely: “I’m feeling LGBTTQQFAGPBDSM today!”
DICK OF THE PAGE: PHALLUS MUSHROOM
NOVEMBER 11th, 2015 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com IF EVERYONE IN NJ GIVES 20 CENTS WE CAN PUT HIM OUT OF HIS MISERY
FLOOD DONATES TO GOFUNDME, HOPES TO BE FIRED IMMEDIATELY BY SCHREG GIANO ACTIVE PIRATE
PISCATAWAY, NJ— As recently as Monday afternoon, a GoFundMe campaign designed to fire head coach Kyle Flood has raised more than $6000. There have been a wide range of donations toward the fund started by a “concerned alumnus,” ranging from one dollar pledges to thousand dollar pledges. In a surprising twist, GoFundMe employees recently revealed that one donation of one thousand dollars was not made anonymously. The mysterious donor was none other than Kyle Flood himself. “To say I’ve had enough of this crap is an understatement,” a visibly exhausted Flood declared to reporters. “I’ve wanted out of this toxic program ever since I realized over the summer that the two
ALMOST THERE Kyle Flood did not stop with his donation. He shared the page on Twitter and Facebook and begged friends and family to pitch in any amount
quarterbacks we had competing for the starting job were both worse than Gary Nova. Do you know how fucking daunting that was? We’ve been doomed since day one.” Flood continued, explaining
that he tried his best to get fired for his email scandal but Barchi and Hermann acted incompetently and let him keep his job. “Look, the writing was on the wall for them,” an angry
KEYS TO THE MATCH UP: NEBRASKA vs. RUTGERS
White Guy's Play for Knicks A Pleasant Surprise for Fans BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON OLD
-Be a semi-competitive team -Start a new GoFundMe to keep Kyle Flood so that the downward spiral Rutgers is experiencing continues -Ask Rutgers if you really have to come to New Jersey to get the win or if they would just forfeit and save everybody some time - I'm getting paid $1.50 per issue to promote Nuebies so I'm obligated to advise you to try their sandwiches after the game. Shameless, I know
Flood reminded members of the media. “I blatantly violated the rules and got caught redhanded. I couldn’t even plead ignorance because I essentially fucking ADMITTED guilt by telling the professor involved I would avoid wearing Rutgers apparel if we met for lunch so no one would notice me. How much clearer could my intentions be? And those idiots still let me keep my job, even when it appeared I lost control of the team after all those players got arrested. Incompetent imbeciles!” Sources close to Julie Hermann claim that when the athletic director was told Flood was trying to be fired she cackled manically and launched into a brooding monologue. “Oh, I know Kyle wants out. But no one leaves me. There is no escape Kyle. I am you and you are me. As one does so shall the other. Here in this scarlet Continued on Personals
-Continue saying erroneous and vague things in post-game press conferences like "we're continuing to get better," or "we don't focus on blowouts." -Ignore the pain of the incoming blowout by not focusing on it -Focus on "not blowouts," which translates roughly to either "close loss" or "victory" -Sour taste in your mouth after that defeat? Taste something else at Nuebies! Countless subs, pizzas, and sandwiches available at affordable prices
NEW YORK— When the Knicks selected a tall white guy in the 2015 draft fans were not shy about letting their feelings be heard. The white guy from another country was greeted by hissing fans that were venting their frustration with a franchise that has not been relevant for quite some time. They desperately wanted to see D’Angelo Russell, (who is not a white guy), fall to their team, but the Lakers selected him two picks earlier. Given the extremely low expectations, many knowledgeable and diehard Knicks fans have been pleasantly surprised with the productivity of the tall white dude from Latvia. “I never would have guessed this guy would become such a difference maker,” longtime Knick fan
self-destructing SINCE 1869
Andy Joseph told reporters. "I can't exactly point to why I was so bummed when they drafted him, but it seems my ill feelings were a bit preemptive and misguided." When pressed on whether his reaction would have been different if the player was not white, Joseph was taken aback. "Of course it wasn't his skin color that made me doubt him," he yelled, growing red in the face. "Don't be ridiculous."
"UNCONVENTIONAL STYLE" Porzingis pictured above before the NBA draft. There was nothing not to like. Right?