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Volume XLVIII Issue VIII
November 12th, 2014 50¢
RUPD REVEALS REASON FOR INCREASED CRIME RATES QUICKIES
BY ANIME HAIR NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—In response to concerns by students over the increased rates of robbery and muggings near College Avenue campus, RUPD spokesman Travis Delore held a press conference to divulge explanations. “After weeks of research done by both the police and Criminology department,” said Delore this past Saturday, “we believe that we have reached the crux of the situation: illegal stu- "THAT OUGHTTA DO IT!" dent parking.” RUPD cracks down on criminal activity like parking without permission. According to RUPD, students parking in lots without a Effective immediately, park- fund. On strike three, they will permit are undermining police ing violations will now operate tow the car out of the lot and sell and university authority. This, in on the three-strike system. Strike it to a used car dealership for a turn, creates a lawless environ- one is a ticket which can vary large profit. All proceeds will go ment which attracts criminals. from $500 to $700. Strike two toward the RUPD’s budget in The RUPD will work hard to will result in a ticket and a revo- order to crack down on crime. prevent this by cracking down cation of half the perpetrator’s “I know a lot of you will on parking laws. meal swipe balance, with no reContinued on Page 2
WHO WANTS A SCOOBY SNACK?
Seeing-Eye Dog Takes Massive Shit on F Bus BY DR TOSSED SALAD OPINIONS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—Early Monday morning, seeing-eye puppy-raiser Stacy Holand was on her way to class at Hickman Hall as tragedy struck when Lionel, her three-week-old Chocolate Lab puppy, relieved himself on an F bus on its way to the Henderson bus stop. Lionel, who is reported to be “very cute and petable”—at least, before he opened his anal glands—had not “done his business” since mid-afternoon Sunday, which should have signaled to his owner that his ass had become a ticking time bomb. “Well, he had a late breakfast (Sunday), so I wasn’t too surprised. But I woke up late and...you know how it is...” continued Holand, as she tried to excuse herself for why she bla-
Coverage inside! If the cameraman leaves on the lens cap, you're a whore Barchi emerges, sees own shadow; hides for another six weeks Leading cause of death is living Dead body pops out of casket during funeral march protest against Barchi
“DO THAT AGAIN AND I'M FEEDING YOU CHOCOLATE.” And yet the bus didn't smell any worse than normal.
tantly neglected to take care of her canine ward. A study done by the Proctologist Organization of Oregon, an association with expertise on all things butt, has found that the average dog likes to shit
once every 13.5 hours and that they take great pride in doing so in public places. “That is why most dogs are okay with getting trained to shit outside. They like Continued on Page 2
Going in Raw Since 1970
Blind man at Exxxotica swears he was at Chuck-ECheese whole time New RWJ beds finally come in for last Halloweekend
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NEWS
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"It's both a normal word and super offensive. Like 'Jew.'"
RUPD has also provided some safety tips for going out during the evening before the probably ask, ‘But why don’t the crime rate has a chance to fall. police try to keep the streets safer “Try not to go out at all,” instead of trying to make more says one Officer Kilansky, 24, money?’” continued Delore. “To “If you are going out, do it in which I say, 'You’ve pretty much groups. Not small groups, eianswered your own question.'” ther—at least enough to make “The responsibility to keep ratio at a decent party, if it were an environment safe falls on the at an all dudes, gay frat party. ” students, not the police or ad“It also helps if you’re not ministration,” continued Dalore. white.” The police department has Police say they are workreduced patrol car presence on ing around the clock in order to the streets in favor of more me- catch deviated parking and thus ter maids on segways and tick- lower the crime rate as soon as eting books. possible. HIDE YO' CARS
...continued from front
We have meetings Wednesday nights. This is nothing new. You know it very well. And yet, you never show your fine ass and grace us with its intoxicating presence. So show up. You might even learn something. For example: You'd be amazed by the length of time you can wear a single pair of underwear without cleaning it...when you don't wear any underwear. ;] POOPY PUPPY
...continued from front
to show off their ‘work’ to the whole world,” explained POO chairman Ed Middleton. However, Lionel had been keeping his shit inside, stewing, bubbling, and ready to fly out from his asshole for almost twenty hours at that time, making his intestines like a pressure cooker ready to explode. The occurrence happened at approximately 9:35 a.m. as Lionel started to make some cute but concerning light whimpers to which many people on the bus responded to with eye contact with the small animal and a cohesive “aww”. It was then reported that as the bus started to shake and shudder, Lionel excreted two giant pieces of fecal matter totalling nine inches in length. (It should be noted that Lionel recently switched to dry dog food.) Subsequently, Lionel projected the rest of his shit onto the boots of the two female students nearby who called Lionel a “good girl” even though he clearly has a penis. “It only got worse from
Editorial Staff Fall 2014
Wednesday, November 12th, 2014
ALL THE WORLD'S GLORY
Glory Hole Closings Protested by PhAGs BY SAWYER NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—In opposition to the recent sealing of glory holes in bathrooms on College Ave and Douglass campuses, students have organized to preserve the school's auspicious installations. Fraternities and all-male residence halls have gathered around the slogan "Cock > Caulk". Officials at University Facilities had previously labelled the holes as "portals that invade privacy", "desecration of school property", and "uncomfortable; I've used better ones before." Richard "Dick" Benis, president of the local Phi Alpha Gamma fraternity, organized a rally yesterday on the steps of Brower Commons. Student and faculty alike attended to make their voices heard. Benis insisted, "The glory holes are both historical landmarks and popular fixtures among men on campus. I happened to operate one in Mabel Smith Library just last week. We have to penetrate the barriers this administration is imposing on our civil liberties. We have an unalienable right to pursue our sexual happiness." In order to educate administration on the issue, Dr. Ruth Hyman, from the department of Gender and Sexual Studies, weighed in on the appeal of this particular deviant behavior.
"Glory hole users experience a thrilling anonymity. They don't have to try and arrange a date or even learn the name of their partner. This is very casual sex. All they get is sexual satisfaction. “Unisex bathrooms are the best experience, though. There's much more mystery involved. Who's on my dick: man or woman? Which hole?" The ever-growing movement has drawn attention from other areas of study as well. Dr. Eric Shin head of the Department of Government Studies, couldn't help but notice historic parallels. "This 'Cock > Caulk' movement is analogous to the struggle of East Berlin. "The timing here is great, with the twenty-fifth anniversary of the Berlin Wall's destruction with past week. The West Berliners are blue with the freedom they want to share. The East Berliners are gaping and ready to receive, but inhibited by the Communists. "In that case, the wall's erection was the problem. In this case, my erection is going to be a problem if it's withheld glory holes!" An affront to a lifestyle choice, the University's actions have garnered much negative press from Targum editorialists, who are on record to have said, "The glory holes were jagged and small, but that was how we liked them."
there. It was just everywhere,” explained Holand . She quickly ran over to Lionel to pick him off the ground so he wouldn’t get any of his poo on himself. “I had to take him to class; he couldn’t smell like shit,” claimed Holand as she showed a disregard to everyone present who had now had to soak up the foul odor of fresh dung in their nostrils. Shrieks of “Eeeww,” “Oh my god,” and “Yo, check that shit out,” rang through the bus before it finally stopped at Henderson. The bus driver did not appear amused. “I gotta call for another bus and go out of service. I’ll take it to the depot, but I’m not cleaning this up. That’s for damn sure,” he yelled, as he knew he probably would now have to scrub down the whole bus’s interior all because a little puppy had to drop a deuce. Meanwhile, Lionel watched on without a care in the world, proud of what he had done. At press time, Lionel was sitting "STOP THE COCK BLOCK!" with Holand in class, licking Protesters attempt to pentrate the steel barrier to no avail. All that goes his penis because it feels really through the weiner window now is a sad washer and a pair of nuts. good.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Justin Lesko Michael-Vincent
Henry Yeh Fratypus
News Editors Sara Markowitz Jonathan Holzsager Features Editor Lesly Kurian Opinions Editor Adam Romatowski Arts Editor Michael Lazaropoulos Personals Editor Lucas Onder Page A7 Editor Lee Matalon
Sports Editor Matthew Fastiggi Copy Editors Kaitlin Rogers Chika Kim Secretary Michelle Flynn Webmaster Michael-Vincent Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Alex from Target
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the past staff members of our staff who came to visit us. Sucks to be in the real world now, doesn't it? Bitches.
Wednesday, November 12th, 2014
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FEATURES
“See, this is what happens when you don't practice using big words.”
BETTER THAN YOUR HIGH SCHOOL HISTORY CLASS
Rutgers in History: The Naming of Winkler Suites BY DR. TOSSED SALAD OPINIONS EDITOR
the Medium
WURE R U ROBERT BOB BOBERT BARKY???!!
Where in the World is Barchi?
PISCATAWAY, NJ — The naming of Winker Suite on Busch Campus is a story not many know. It comes from the story of when The Fonz saved Busch Campus from utter destruction and total uncoolness. It was a brisk fall day in 1955 and it was a regular day where students went to class and then studied for Organic Chemistry.
Henry “The Fonz” Winkler stood standing in the Busch Student Center’s bathroom, which is still located by the back entrance near Gerlanda’s, helping everyday people with their everyday problems as he stood looking ever so cool with his amazing BY THE BUS KID T-SHIRT GUY hair and slick leather jacket. Just then, the sound of a scream erupted from the Busch Suites. The Fonz quickly jumped on his motorcycle, NEW BRUNSWICK — In this week’s issue of “Where in the which yes, was parked in the bathroom because fuck it, he was Fonzie. World is Barchi?” we are taken back to the banks of the Raritan at the home base of Robert Barchi. It is just moments now beHe took off through the main part of the campus center before fore Barchi takes the stage of a hall of only 249 members of varirealizing that he was not on the set of the popular sitcom Happy ous backgrounds; some engineers, others doctors, and even Days, but rather he was in real life, and he was just Henry Win- some members of the astounded guard of Rutgers, the RUPD. kler, and immediately screamed “Oh Holy Shit!” realizing he did The tone is hushed as many wait in anticipation, as all in attennot have a motorcycle license or any real riding ability and quickly dance were invited both in secret and in haste by a letter written jumped off. He crawled over into a corner and began the fetal posi- in scarlet ink. The light suddenly shuts off for a moment, catchtion that would later be made famous in the hit movie Waterboy. ing the collective attention of all in the room, before a single light As more calls for help rang from across campus Wikler remained shines on a sole podium sitting on the middle of a raised platform. in the fetal position, scared to move; scared to be the cool guy everyone thought he was. After 3 days, the calls for help continued Footsteps of grave importance could be heard echoing throughand Winkler wondered, “Why the fuck isn’t anyone helping him?” out the hall as a shaded figure makes its way to the stand. After Just then he knew what he had to do. Winkler picked up his bike, put a few curious moments, a scarlet-clad man in a uniform akin to on his jacket and stepped on the gas to go do what The Fonz would that of the Royal Air Force enters the spotlight. Without a doubt, do. And Winkler did just that, until he turned his bike too quickly all eyes could tell it was none other than the President of Rutand fell off and broke his leg. Winkler Suite was therefore named gers University, Robert Barchi. Clearing his throat as he takes after Henry Winkler so he would not sue the school for damages. position behind the podium, the aged man bellows out to the And in his honor every year, Winkler’s residents watch one episode amassed crowd, “Welcome, members of Rutgers. Welcome back of Happy Days so they can all see who their hero could have been. home. I have called you all personally here and am glad you all could make it on such a short notice. You may be wonderMOTIVATE, EMPOWER, INSPIRE ing what this is all about, and so, please look around you now.” Without another moment, the walls surrounding those gathered suddenly became alit with all sorts of information, images, maps, descriptions, and such. In particular, a red blinking light to the back of Barchi flickers with intensity. “In the past forty-eight hours, we have received a distress signal from Space Colony 2134 – Terra. After the distress signal, all communications have become silent. Indeed, most of you have been kept in the dark about the existence of our space colonies, but I ensure you they exist.” As his statement ended, the surrounding screens became dark as focus is drawn again to Barchi and the wall behind him. “Now, I have contacted you 249, and with the addition of me, to make the Rutgers 250 in order to engage in a galactic voyage to establish contact with the colony and to understand the situation in hopes to restore operations there. All other necessary information will be passed down during your briefing session.” Our hero takes a pause as he lets in a breath. Gravely, he finally begins to wrap up the last of his speech tonight. “I cannot ensure that we will all return. I cannot ensure if we will be successful. However, I can ensure you that amongst the entire population of this world, the Rutgers 250 is the best league to overcome the obstacles that we will potentially reach. Fear not, for courage is what shall lead us to success. From here on out, I will aptly go by Colonel Barchi, for just as the great Colonel Rutgers established this prestigious institution, I will lead you all in establishing and securing this voyage into the depths of darkness. Through our Jersey Roots, we shall establish our Galactic Reach. ” “From here on out, there is no turning back,” rallies the Hero, “We are the Knights of the Raritan, bounded by the scarCome to our Wednesday meetings at 8pm in the let in our blood. Humanity’s faith lies within us, and we Busch Student Center, Room 116 A. Yeah! shall refuse to bring upon failure. We are the Rutgers 250.”
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, November 12th, 2014
“Pumpkin Pie is a vegetable.”
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PANTS COMMENTARY
Remember me? BY YOUR ED HARDY SWEATPANTS FROM 7TH GRADE
Hey, I’m not sure if you remember me. I’m the pair of Ed Hardy sweatpants you owned in 7th grade? You got rid of me in 2008 by stuffing me in a bag for the Lupus Foundation? No? It’s okay, no hard feelings. We all outgrow our middle school tendencies. Well, I was just in the area and wanted to stop by and say hi and catch up with you and maybe have you try me on again, for old time’s sake! You know, just a little game of dress up, that’s all. I’m not asking for much. I also wanted to let you know that I’m a motherfucking skull crusher now. At least I think so; that phrase is written down my pants leg so it must be true. I’ve been spending the past 6 years clothing the butts and legs of wannabe-cholos in downtown LA. It was kind of nice; I got to sport the gangster look without actually being gangster. No risking my life in gang-related street fights trying not to pants myself (my ties are a little worn, so I have trouble staying up people’s legs nowadays). No, I’m glad I don’t have to worry about that. I spent my days sitting in fancy tricked up cars and sporting myself on the butts of trendy middle-aged mothers in shopping malls. It was pretty okay. Oh, but enough about me. How have you been doing these past 6 years? Are you still in school? Oh you’re in college now, good for you!
HE’S CALLED HAIRY FOR A REASON
It’s Time for us Men to be Men
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What the fuck were you even thinking?
BY HAIRY STYLES Ayee fellas — you know what time it is! It’s no shave November, bro! This means we don’t have to do shit for our appearance! Fuck looking presentable or even the slightest bit fuckable! What’s really important here is to show off how much of a man I am by how much facial hair I can grow. And if you don’t participate? You’re a pussy. I don’t give a fuck if you can actually hook up with a girl because she can actually find your lips. You’re a pussy because you’re not involved in this testosterone filled month. I mean, seriously. A bro needs to look almost homeless throughout all of November or they’re not a real man. And to the girls that don’t like it? Fuck you! You’re probably ugly, anyway. I mean, sure my sweatpants are stained with cum from the last time I masturbated in them and maybe there’s food in my manly beard but I am the most man you’ll ever get! I’m so manly that I’ve declared that no shave November is basically the same as no hygiene November. And I love it because I’m a true man! So to all the ladies that want a real man, line the fuck up. To all the bros that will put down their razor with me to celebrate our manliness, I’ll hold your feet in a keg stand. To the ones that are against us, you’re probably a virgin, fat, and ugly.
“I didn’t know she’d wake up!” - Johnny Kox, Was just drawing on her face “I needed a reference for what shit tastes like.” - Kelly Malasian, My kinda girl “I thought my dick would be more durable.” - Marco Pizza It hurt Krupa’s Corner Pumpkin Spice Latte
Wednesday, November 12th, 2014
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ARTS
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“Feeling good on a Wednesday. Yayayaya, I am Lorde.”
LEAKY WATER WORKS
Guys, you got to help me!
WHAT I WANT FROM POLITICS
HOW I SEE POLITICS
I finally remembered to color my shit! And then I added color to my comics. ... Anyway, Help me out by emailing your art stuff to the Arts Page. Send submissions to themedium.arts@gmail.com. Also, come to our meetings on Wednesdays at 8pm, at the BSC Room 116A. I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS - BY LESLIE KNOPE
PERSONALS
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“ The Medium, now featuring a colored monkey.”
Wednesday, November 12th, 2014
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SLOPPY SECONDS
MUSCLES
TARGUM
Uneducated and Poorly Trained
And now, enjoy some more Exxxotica photos, courtesy of your friends (with benefits) at A7!
Using supplements when you work out, like all that pre-workout/ post-workout bullshit, is pretty much the body equivalent to a penis pump. You can take that shit before you workout all you want, but at the end of the day you’re not that big without a pump, you don’t have that kinda stamina, and you’re
To the Targum: watching you guys trying to be funny is like watching a middle-aged dad trying to impress his kid’s friends by using outdated slang. Cut it out, and stop embarrassing your(I’d tell them to stick to what they are good at but their normal paper isnt even well written 3/4 of the time)
This week your new personals editor learned that he was supposed to be updating this blurb every week. Maybe this is why none of you have been submitting personals. I have noticed a direct correlation between Rutgers losing football games and if you dont care about football, neither do I so email me about not caring at themedium.personals@gmail.com
To the delivery people: (I would imagine things why is the Targum not to be better if you are hard being delivered to my than soft when it comes to building anymore? Also stamina.) why is it fucking impossible to find the Medium INTIMACY anywhere on Busch? Put If you don’t want your some at Woodys or somegirlfriend to meet any thing, please. of your friends, are you (Don’t worry. You haven’t the bad one or are your been missing out by not friends the bad one? Or is reading the Targum. We your girl fucking every- will get you some Mediums thing up? FUCK to Busch.) (Your friends can’t be that Was the Targum supbad unless you are afraid posed to be funny today? she will ask to have a three- I dont get it. I mean you some with them.) guys suck but at least you Rutgers, you need a new can get a chuckle out of exam criteria. How about me. testing something that I (We pride ourselves on beactually know, like how ing mildy funny. Thank to mix a drink or live up You.) Why the hell did the Tarto the name Slutgers ;) (Why not both? We are part gum try to be funny? Do of the big 10 it is time to they do this every year? I don’t even get it. None of step it up a notch or two.) those were good. I dont know what it is How is the Targum not with me but I want to funny once a year? They fuck a Jewish girl so bad. have an entire year to try Some of them I find really and make it funny yet attractive, some of them I still fail everytime. don’t, but I just want to hop into bed with them, I want my twelve dollars tie me up with tefillin back. They can’t even and shout to G-D. The write a normal news paonly problem is im uncir- per how are they supposed to make a funny cumsized. Any advice? one? (Honestly, I’d love to spear a Jewish girl with my uncir- To the asshole who found cumsized cock. I just have the Mugrat funny: you not been given the chance. I have no sense of humor can’t think of anything that and I hate you. Stick to would be more liberating watching Teen Mom and Honey Booboo. than that.) Taylor Swift has such a POLITICS long neck. I just want to put my cock in her mouth The fucking Republicans and see the bulge in her dominated. What a waste throat. of time voting was. I am never doing that again. (I will have to agree she has aged very well. I used to not (I agree. I never vote, but if I find her attractive until re- do, I make sure to choose at random.) cently.)
If you were eating something while naked and some chunks fell on your genitals, would you eat them? Just leave the tissue box where you found it when you’re done.
(If what I was eating while I am naked had chunks fall out I would be very worried about my health.)
PS: No, seriously. Submit personals. I got 4 personals this week. You are all awful. Stop mooching off the greatness of this page and become part of the revolution. Fuck Penn State themedium.personals@gmail.com
TRANSPORTATION Can SEBS make a horsecock-sucking major that is credit intensive and require a lot of prerequisites? (I’m sure that would shut up a lot of the animal science majors about how they want to become vets.) To the black bitch on the EE who stole my seat today: just becuase you have a pussy does not mean you get to take my seat. (First come first serve. Beat her to the punch next time or punch her and take it. I’d be careful with how you handle it — could end up full Rosa Parks.) To Rob, the F bus driver: You are the fucking fun,. Thank you for playing Ludacris.
EUROPE Why the hell do Italians automatically assume I speak Italian just because I have an Italian last name???? (Or why don’t you learn the language of your people, you ignorant shit.)
BOTTOM HALF
Is my penis really small, or are my thighs just really big? (Thighs, definitely big thighs.)
I love laying on my boyfriend’s lap. It’s like a pillow with adjustable firmness. (Totally love laying on my girlfriend’s boobs, but the firmness never changes on those.) I miss the TAs that would (Where Stan has fallen, Rob hit on me, then give me shall rise. The balance must good grades. Where did be restored.) all the boob-loving men go?? SURVEYS (We are still around, just CAN RUTGERS STOP none of us are TAs yet. Only SENDING OUT SO on odd years are there boobMANY FUCKING SER- loving TAs, if I remember VEYS I ALWAYS TAKE anything about astrology.) THEM AND NEVER I love butt stuff. Butt WIN ANYTHING I GIVE stuff, butt stuff, butt stuff, UP. butt stuff, butt stuffffffff. (But you are supposed to be doing these for love not (Always love an open minded girl) money.) To my media professor: PETS thank you for playing POPE My friend keeps thinking Ke$ha in class. I’m weird for continually (Media professors are alTo the new Pope: you are asking to see her pet rabways looking at ways to the man. Please just come bit. But I just really like make an impact.) out of the closet already rabbits, but not in a eator something. The way ing kind of way.) you peacefully rule with an Iron fist is great to (Not a weird wanting-tohave-sex-with-rabbits kind watch. of way, I am guessing?)
PAGE X3
Wednesday, November 12th, 2014
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“Speak a little louder. I can’t hear you, I’m Jewish.”
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TAKES
Dickmaster James Barteholet gives us the inside scoop: What is your favorite part of the job? “Fuckin’, actin’ & makin’ money” What is your least favorite part? “Lactose Intolerant girls having dairy before we have to do an anal scene.” Check out Belle Knox’s newest video, Unsubsidized Federal Direct Student Blown.
Rutgers Alum Joanna Angel may be on to bigger and better dicks, but she still pleasures herself with copies of The Medium, for old times sake.
Evan Stone
“On the naughty list.”
Cindy Starfall
Come to our meetings, yeah baby, just like that. Mmm do it! Yeaaahh OHHHH--What the fuck? What happened to the condom? Are you kidding? Now I’m going to have to get free Plan B from The Medium, Wednesday night at 8PM in BCC 116A.
This weekend, your friends Eaton Jejez and Dr. Tossed Salad made a trip to the unholy land of Edison, NJ. Amongst the brothels, crack dens and synagogues, we found a glimmering oasis of purity known as Exxxotica! Our first devious encounter was with Cathy from XXXchurch.com, a website that helps porn addicts who need them some Jesus. We also saw a blind man with a cane. He can’t see the porn stars, but at least he can read nipples. Some Ukranian chick tried selling the A7 Editor some sexy massage oils, but everyone knows the best kind of protection is a (language) barrier. Some black dude was holding a Blue doll from Blue’s Clues, wearing a matching turquoise peabody coat and baseball cap. Yeah, I don’t fucking know either. Yep. That’s all we got.
Porn legend Alexis Texas holding her favorite adult publication. Fun fact: Disney character Hannah Montana was almost named Alexis Texas, but the name was changed after the nude scenes were cut from the show.
november 12th, 2014 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com THIS ONE IS ALMOST AS BAD AS THE 8-YEAR TEXAS BOWL DROUGHT
WOMEN'S BASKETBALL TEAM'S EARLY BLUNDERS INCITE STUDENT RIOTS BY THE HEN HEN MAN BUSINESS MANAGER
PISCATAWAY— Students have gathered in front of the RAC and publicly voiced their frustration on the disastrous start of the Rutgers Scarlet Knights women’s basketball team during its inaugural season as a member of the Big Ten Conference. Demanding immediate results, fans even went as far to threaten to boycott future games if the women’s basketball team can’t return to its winning culture by capturing another NIT champion since winning the illustrious title last April. Citing lackadaisical defense and post-championship hangover as the reason for the poor performance, supporters of the women’s team told The Medium that they have been “extremely disappointed” with the direction the program is heading.
"ANCIENT HISTORY." For big-time Rutgers fans, this NIT championship win from last April feels like it was eons ago. Fans expected to drown in championships after joining the Big Ten, and have so far been disgusted with the results.
"This team going for more than seven months without winning an NIT Title is just unacceptable. I mean, this is the Big Ten we are talking about!” said freshman Marvin Ander-
KEYS TO THE MATCH UP:
INDIANA vs. RUTGERS
son, adding he is befuddled that it took the women’s team until this Friday to play its first basketball game this season. “A title drought like this is just fucking embarrassing!”
IF WE LOSE THIS ONE, CANCEL THE MSU GAME
A refreshing change: Rutgers football actually has a chance to win this week BY JUST THE TIP EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
-Jesus. Vegas has Rutgers beating you by more than a touchdown even after the past 3 games. Use that as motivation, because that's pretty pathetic, honestly.
-Remember that you actually still currently have a winning record.
-Make the game a blowout. Rutgers is 0-3 after being outscored 135-41 the last two games, so they tend to lose when the other team scores a lot more.
-Block the exits. Forcing fans to stay in the stands against their will would undoubtedly rile-up the crowd and keep the homefield-advantage strong.
-Ask that the game be moved to noon so that half the home crowd will be too hungover to bother showing up.
-Brainwash future recruits into believing that the red and white team you have a chance of beating at home is actually Ohio State and not Indiana. Shhh.....
-Find Gary Nova a friend to eat with at Woody's.
Despite the RUPD involvement, the crowd refused to go away. Moreover, some fans further escalated the event by burning basketball jerseys as they demanded the university for refunds. “This is a huge let down. I bleed red for the Scarlet Knights and I buy jerseys and support women’s rights by converting from alcoholism to feminism… all for what?” a visibly enraged Joe Callahan said, cutting his wrist and showing to the reporters that he actually bleeds red. Before fainting due to blood loss, Callahan observed that the women’s team has played "more than enough" preseason scrimmages so far this season without having won it all once. “If the women’s team continues to play like this,” Callahan continued, “then I’m going to support the men’s team. Now that’s a team that cares about winning!”
PISCATAWAY— Following three losses in a row against premier Big Ten opponents, Rutgers football believes they have a decent shot to win against Indiana this weekend. In his weekly conference call with the media head coach, Kyle Flood reiterated his belief that the Scarlet Knights belong on the field with any of the bottom teams of the Big Ten. “You guys saw what happened against Ohio State and Nebraska, so you don’t need me to tell you that my players were manhandled,” said Flood. “And don’t get me started about Wisconsin. Its pretty obvious that we shouldn’t have been on the same field as the
funnier than the mugrat SINCE the dawn of satire
Badgers," he continued. "Frankly, I was happy to watch the clock hit zero, so I could go home.” The Knights were outscored 135-41 in that stretch, including a 37-0 home loss to Wisconsin. Indiana brings a 3-6 record to High Point Solutions Stadium, including a four-game losing streak. They are still looking for their first conference win after five unsuccessful tries. “The Hoosiers are a lot like us,” said Flood. “Just look at the losing streaks, common blowouts, half-filled home stadium. “At least they have a good basketball team.”