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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
November 13th, 2013
Volume XLVI Issue IX
NO ONE CAN REPLACE MY HERO
FIRST TRANSIT TO HOLD SPECIAL STAN LXTIONS BY SOME SHMUCK STAFF WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ– Late last week, First Transit announced the formal resignation of Stan McNeil, a longtime member of the Rutgers Community. The resignation of Stan, the most well known driver of the Rutgers bus fleet, brought much disappointment to those who rode his LX bus route. Stan was known for his motivational speeches, pep talks and hugs delivered to students riding between the College Avenue and Livingston campuses. “Stan was definitely an asset to our staff, and he will be missed,” said Stephen Jeffries, a spokesperson for First Transit, “but we must also look to the future. Stan did an important job around here, and we can't leave the position unfilled. Nobody
"NO ONE CAN REPLACE STAN!" The latest polls show Barbra Buono leading the pack, first time ever. Mike Rice is planning to throw a basketball at her head.
will ever be able to fill his shoes, find a new LX driver.” but somebody must carry Stan's Numerous individuals have torch. It is for this reason we will stepped up to comment on and be holding a special election to Continued on Page 2
50¢ QUICKIES
Kid Pooping in Gender Neutral Bathroom Thinks He is so Slick Native Americans Want a Good Team Named After Them Balding Man Converts to Judaism NJ PURGE: Students Organize Violently Against NJ PRIG Local Newspaper Finally Gets the Respect It Deserves
WHAT IS SEX?
Sex In Society Professor Unable to Give His Child “The Talk” BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ– Sources report that Rutgers Professor of Sexual Studies Carlo Fornicare is unable to tell his nine year old son about sex. Dr. Fornicare teaches Sex in Society every semester through the Sociology Department and is well versed in human sexuality and its pervasiveness in modern society. Despite his qualifications for sex education, Fornicare could only stall and using confusing metaphors, such as the “Birds and the Bees”, to explain where babies come from to his son Jayden. The bewildered child was then told to go to bed and stay off the internet for the rest of the night. Distraught over his son’s curiosity, Fornicare began to express his frustrations over the topic which he has published research on. “It’s so much easier to talk about this stuff with college students. I don’t even need
"THESE ARE THE MARKINGS OF A TRUE MAN" Professor Fornicare teaching his son about anything but sex.
to teach the class, they know more than me already! During one class, I had to google what ‘snowballing’ is. How can I tell my kid that?” Reporters spoke to the young Jayden at his local elementary school, where he gave his side of the story. “Well, I saw Mrs. McGuire’s dogs doing something weird. I think they were fighting. And then she told my mom that they were going to have puppies. I asked my
dad where do babies come from, and he said when a bird stings a bee, the bird lays eggs, and that where babies come from. But at school, I heard that bees die when they sting, does that mean my dad is gonna die? I mean, he keeps saying that mom is sucking the life from him.” Jayden continued to elaborate on his confusions, but the interview was cut short when reporters were arrested under suspicion of child predation.
Making Freshman Giggle SInce 1970
Michelle Obama Speaks about the Importance of Getting Eaten Out Native American Students Lost Their Reservation at the Livingston Student Center Student Rescues Case of Beer From House Fire, Then Kills It Mike Rice Speaks About Coaching 8 Year Olds
the Medium
NEWS
“Mike, we're not using that picture."
Wednesday, November 13th, 2013
DON'T CARE, I NEED MY CURRITO
MEOW-WOW
Spring Semester Offers Decrease In Homeless Population Completely UnreNew Burn Seminar BY METHUSELAH HONEYSUCKLE
STAFF WRITER
PISCATAWAY, NJ – WebReg was hit with another major crash. Record numbers of freshmen, eager to register at the stroke of ten for what is possibly the most in-demand course offering in Rutgers history, "Byrne Seminar: Cosmic Kush." Taught by the university's most tenured Theoretical Astrophysics professors, Dr. Reggie Sunbeam. Sunbeam has been teaching since the sixties, when he had his name legally changed from Hubert Wolf. Sunbeam is "super psyched to be allowed near kids again." He plans on having a lot of groovy outdoor classes in the Ecological Preserve, where drum circles will be the general classroom setup. Professor Sunbeam's reputation on campus is that he's generally chill. StuLXTIONS
...continued from front
nominate themselves for the LXtion. “Stan's influence on this State University has led to an increase in student morale, and students are the future of New Jersey,” said NJ State Senator and LXtion nominee Barbara Buono. “I'd like very much to win an election, and I think as the new Stan I can lead New Jersey with honor.” Buono is the democratic candidate for the Stan LXtion. Former Rutgers Basketball coach Mike Rice, Jr. has also announced his candidacy for the LX bus driver. This came as a shock to many, calling foul on his play. “I just don't think that Rice has the right attitude for the job,” said sophomore Aaron Friedstock. “Whereas Stan would say 'go out there and take on Monday,' Rice says 'go out there and take on Monday you fucking pussy ass bitches.'” Rice
dents have seen him longboarding from his office on Busch to the Preserve down Davidson Road. "The curriculum is all about getting in touch with nature, man," explained Sunbeam. "I plan on teaching the students how to scavenge for the good shrooms, not the government’s supermarket brand. My goal is … hey, remember the sixties: imagine being high and reading a totally legit treatise on how there are cosmic rays totally wrecking the groove of the universe. We'll watch some Sagan movies because those special effects are trippy stuff, man. Oh, I almost forgot to mention: there's going to be a class resources fee of $31/ounce. Make sure your friends know that I don't get this ganja for free." views the LXtion as a chance to redeem himself to the Rutgers community. First Transit has assured the public that all basketball-sized objects “will remain securely bolted to the bus.” NJPIRG has called for a referendum regarding the Stan position, but nobody cares lol. State Senator Buono appears as a potential favorite to fill the vacancy, making a serious case for herself to students. “Stan meant a whole lot to the people of the University,” she said. “He was more than a bus driver. He was a messenger, and his message was love” said Buono at the Democratic Party conference. “And it is for this reason I accept the Democratic nomination. First of all, I'd like to win something already. But more importantly, Stan's departure will leave a large gap in the university; a void not even Chris Christie can fill.”
send news articles to themedium.news@ gmail.com. meetings are wednesdays at 8pm in the bcc, room 120b. Editorial Staff Fall 2013
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Stewart Hallman Devin Baker
Yagnesh Patel Rob the Sun God
lated to Taco Week
BY ANIME HAIR STAFF WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – Students attending Rutgers University may have noticed discernible changes during their daily bus commute. On the EE bus in particular, passengers are patting their wallets in confusion. Spare change, once gone within mere minutes, now remains. A certain eu de dumpster no longer wafts throughout the vehicle. Awkward moments, scrunched against seats, are now lessened. Yes, students of Rutgers- it appears as if there are few, if any homeless people left in New Brunswick. An anonymous source describes the events leading up to the apparent mass departure. According to J. Blow, the homeless were at one moment going about their homeless business (drinking, toking, passing out) and the next moment acting in a most disturbing way by passing out before drinking or toking enough. “At the time, I really didn’t care,” Blow admits. And indeed, no one would. But he noticed that many flattened
cardboard boxes became empty within the passing hour. “Out of Service” buses made frequent stops where they shouldn’t. Street sweepers made an appearance, despite the City of New Brunswick admitting that their streets haven’t been properly cleaned since ’68. In totally unrelated news, the University would like to announce campus-wide Taco Week here at Rutgers. Dining halls, take out services, and grease trucks will now all feature this savory, classic Mexican dish for all to enjoy. President of dining hall services Joseph Charette recently released a statement: “We have received many requests for a week-long taco fest, and I am proud to announce that I have now made that a reality. Alumni may recall this oncea-decade event, where heavily spiced pork meat in particular is a specialty. Here at Rutgers Taco Week is a strong tradition, once which we hope to continue for many more decades.” He added as an aside that this “strangely familiar meat” is “delicious for the whole family.”
"Before I Die" Wall gets Incredibly honest
"HE'S GONNA JUMP"
RUPA was not ready for the complete honesty expressed on the wall
News Editors Michael Vincent Michael Lazaropoulos Features Editor Leif Tornberg Opinions Editor Eli Youssef Arts Editor Lisa Mathews Personals Editors Adam Romatowski Justin Lesko
Back Page Editor Sasha Romayev Copy Editors Lisa Mathews Lesly Kurian Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Sasha Romayev Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Eli
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the month-long midterm season that I just finished last week. Fuck you orgo et al.
Wednesday, November 13th, 2013
FEATURES
the Medium
“Mac and cheese wedges are the shit.”
THIS IS A GREY BOX
Signs of a Breakup
POOJA MATER
LEAFY GREENS FEATURES EDITOR IN CHIEF
1. Your significant other takes you to see the View. 2. You have your anniversary date at Brower. 3. There have been murder attempts. 4. You’re being cheated on. 5. Rubik’s cubes are a priority over sex. 6. You go to a date at a Celine Dion concert. 7. Your beloved stones you after sex. 8. Your love tunes you out with headphones.
THE WEEKLY DRAG
BY DOCTOR TOSSED SALAD RESIDENT SALAD TOSSER
A new eighth is always like a new beginning, and while I had sampled my current supply, I had yet to dive into its full potential. This weekend it was finally time to burn this beautiful shit. Into the bowl it went where it was pulling like a motherfucker hit after hit. Four bowl packs later and I was completely satisfied. And now the adventure begins. Off to Wendy’s it was to go and get food, but would I make it or not?
Pooja Mater BY SUPA KRUPA TRUPA CREDITED POET
My father, Pooja Patel sent me, Pooja Patel to old Rutgers, And resolv'd that I should be a Pooja Patel; And so I settled down in the Pharmacy School, On that noisy Busch campus, On the banks of the old Raritan as Pooja Patel. On the banks of the old Pooja Patel, my Poojas, where old Pooja ever more shall stand, For has Pooja not stood since the time of the Patels, On the banks of the old Pooja Patels. Then sing aloud to Alma Patel, And keep the Patel in the Pooja; For with Pooja’s mind high, Pooja Patel’s name shall never die, On the banks of the new India!
FUN TIME!!!!!
Dress Up a Brick
Have you ever driven through Buccleuch Park at night while you’re fucking stoned? You know that park between Easton and Route 18, yeah that one. That place was like a fucking maze. I was convinced for a few minutes that I was gonna be stuck in that place for hours, without being able to find my way out, and more importantly without a lighter. However, I made it out and it was onward to Wendy’s. Time to order and here is the fucked up shit. I ordered 2 FRIES. TWO FUCKING ORDERS. And what do those bastards give me. ONE. I didn’t notice until I was at the stop light where I proceeded to say, “THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS! They only gave me one fries! Son of a fucking bitch. Fuck them did they see how fucked I am right now, one fucking fries, goddamnit those fucks,” after which I started laughing at how funny I was. Anyway my next stop was Busch where you know that loop you take off of Route 18 to get there, fuck that shit went on for hours too, it was like Busch was trying to fuck with me, it was an endless trail of nothing. Well at this point I still couldn’t believe those Wendy’s assholes only gave me one fries. Fuck them, sure there was a large frosty, but it wasn’t the same at this point. Fuck.
COMING THIS SPRING
UGLY THING OF WEEK
CUTE THING OF WEEK
the Medium
OP/ED
“I’m an editor, not a writer.”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
CONFESSION CORNER
I THINK FRACKING IS PRETTY ALRIGHT BY MR. MONOPOLY There has been a lot of crazy talk going around lately regarding hydraulic fracturing or “fracking” and I just want to say that it’s not so bad. For those of you who live under a rock and don’t know what fracking is, it’s basically how we get free oil and gas from our own land. All those liberal politicians and hippies will tell you that fracking is horrible and that we should stay away from it at all costs. Don’t believe those clowns. You know what these left wing mofos are worried about? Nature. Yea, they are concerned about the environment and protecting it from fracking. What has nature ever done for me? All it does it stand there and take up space. Those damn trees and plants look at me all smug and whatnot. There are also people who say that fracking will contaminate our drinking water. For one thing, who even drinks water? Water is overrated. This is the 21st century. Right now we should all be into those energy drinks and high calorie sodas that keep us going all day. Also if you are really that much of a loser and
Wednesday, November 13th 2013
must drink water, go buy some bottled water. Bam, problem solved. Then there’s the claim that we cause earthquakes due to fracking. Really? We don’t live in some science fiction world where we have control over things like earthquakes. I don’t know about you but I think everyone should experience an earthquake at least one time in their life. It’s like a dance party except some people get injured. I also think that those who are against fracking are just unAmerican and hate America. It is the American dream to ravish our own land for economic gain and prosperity. We don’t need that pansy solar powered junk or hydroelectricity or whatever the hell it’s called. America cannot look weak in front of our enemies. Imagine if Russia saw us using wind turbines. They would missile our asses in two seconds. Anyways, let’s all just stop worrying about these “negative” side effects of fracking and just start drilling. Drill for America and drill for our freedom.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
I hate when guys sit like that on buses
BY LINDSAY POLENTI I hate it when guys sit down next to me on buses with a fucking 90 degree angle in between their crotch. Like honestly, do you really need that much space in between your legs for your dick? Is your dick so big that you need to air it out on the fucking seat and encroach into MY SEAT SPACE? Like do you not think that women need leg space too? I mean, I have a GIANT GAPING HOLE in my crotch! It’s called a vagina and it is dark and moist and wet and needs to be FUCKING AIRED OUT because I am literally chafing right now. Oh great, now I barely have any room to sit on this seat because another guy just sat down next to me and he’s doing THE EXACT SAME FUCKING THING. Chivalry is dead bitches.
Bitch Please, I Do What I Want
BY RICHARD WEINER What the hell do you think you’re talking about? Do you even know what a penis looks like bitch? It doesn’t just tuck right back into my crotch area if that’s what you think. We guys HAVE to spread our legs out and make room for the baggage otherwise our balls would be squeezed and that shit is fucking painful yo. Also, I don’t fucking care if you’re chafing or whatever. My balls are sweaty so yes, they do need to be aired out. No one cares about your vagina. Besides, it’s supposed to be dark, moist and wet. Suck it.
Why won’t Julie Hermann Kiss Me? BY JULIANA REEDS Dear Diary, I’ve been on the women’s volleyball team here for a whole year now and she comes to pretty much all of our practices to watch us. I can feel her eyes on me all the time and sometimes, I’ll glance over at her to see her beautiful face and I’ll catch her glancing away! I KNOW she has the hots for me, I can feel it radiating out of her tousled mouse hair. And damn, that flyaway hair and those piercing blue eyes make her 10 times hotter than Meredith Vieira and Vera Farmiga COMBINED. People say she looks constipated all the time. But I say she looks fucking gorgeous and probably needs to go poop, so show her some damn respect. I’ve gotten to know her pretty well too. I’ve been
to every single one of her press conferences so far where she has to answer questions for all those journalistic bigots. I can tell it makes her angry and probably a little sad too. My body just wants to go up there and hold her, to make it all better. And then of course, I want her to pull me in and kiss me. Naturally. I’m realllllyyyyy starting to like her. One day, after the Homecoming game, she rode up to me in a golf cart and touched me on the arm and said hi to me! It literally sent shivers all the way from my spine down to my thighs. So tingly. I definitely knew she liked me after that and I’m pretty sure I’ve made it clear that I want her to kiss me. I’ve sent her so many signals but she hasn’t made a move yet! I don’t know what to do anymore. Ugh, I just really want her to kiss me!!!
UNIVERSITY VOICES
How Do You Feel about the StanGate Scandal? “A tragic loss for the Business School.” Victor Matteo, RBS 2016, Unaware that people go to Livingston for other reasons
“He’ll be back. Just give him a few days.” God, the Father
“lolololol i suck cocks” Brad Thomas, President, FirstTransit COME TO THE MEDIUM AT THE BUSCH CAMPUS CENTER AT 8 PM EVERY WEDNESDAY NIGHT! YOU CAN ALSO SUBMIT YOUR BEAUTIFULLY HORRIFYING IDEAS DIRECTLY TO ME AT: THEMEDIUM.OPINIONS@GMAIL.COM AND I WILL TOTALLY RUN ANYTHING YOUR WHORE MIND COMES UP WITH. PLEASE. I’M DESPERATE.
ARTS
Wednesday, November 13th, 2013
Friendship is Delicious by Fellatio del Toro
“You’re the only one who understands me, Netflix.”
the Medium
FRIENDSHIP - FELLATIO DEL TORO Sunday, November 03, 2013 IS 8:31DELICIOUS PM
“PAID BASED ON ABILITY”
THE MAN WHO MARRIED HIS DOG III - MICHAEL INTERRANTE
“She seems to have a latex balloon coming from her anus.”
The lesson for today, class, is on condoms. Put condoms on, class. Your chance of sex increases--studies show this shit is real.
SUBMIT THEMEDIUM.ARTS@GMAIL.COM SUBMIT THEMEDIUM.ARTS@GMAIL.COM SUBMIT Seriously. I locked my TAs alone in the lab all night. Condoms. I know you think you won’t need them now, because you’re a sad little man, but a girl does not sex by lube alone. And that’s your Professorly advice for the week. Have a bangin’ Hump Day.
Professor XXX
Always Use a Condiment by Brutal Hustler
ALWAYS A PMCONDIMENT - BRUTAL HUSTLER Monday, November 04,USE 2013 9:20
November Page 1
PERSONALS
the Medium
Wednesday, November 13th , 2013
“This page was inspired by Nicki Minaj.”
NO
DAD DICKS
FUTURE
SOMETHING OF THE WEEK
To the Targum writer who wrote the “dining services to host vegetarian week at U.” That article was the unfunniest piece of shit that I have ever had the displeasure of reading. It was bad and you should feel bad. I will be sending you my hospital bill because your article literally gave me cancer.
Hey roomie, can you stop fucking drinking my beer without asking. My dad risked getting arrested when he bought that for me.
This is what I envision the future Rutgers ads will sound like… “I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose... RUTGERS, a college where the student would not fear the censor, where the student would not be bound by petty morality, Where the great would not be constrained by the small! And with the sweat of your brow, RUTGERS can become your college as well.” Hmm, not too far off from the current situation...
This week we honor Dale Earnhardt as the something of the week. The Intimidator was the man. Unfortunately, the third left turn wall wasn’t intimidated by him and his weak human spine.
(Stop, they try really hard. It’s like watching a bear ride a bicycle: awkward to look at and no one really enjoys it, but you watch anyway.)
DRUGZ Would it be weird to straight up ask the longhaired dude in my class with 2 phones if I could buy some drugs or would it be weird not to?
(Ask your dad to buy you coke too. He’s got a connection.)
SNATCH CHAT To all the girls I drunk texted on Saturday night; I’m sorry, but not really. Just don’t screenshot my snapchat dick pics. (Shoutout to all the girls that wake up every Sunday morning with snapchats of wrinkled balls and three inch hammers.)
PARTY TIME
To the girl who threat(You’re actually offending ened to call the cops on him by not asking him for my party after I didn’t drugs. On a side note, does let her, her ugly friend, and boyfriend in: FUCK he ride the bus barefoot?) YOU. My position was fully justified, bitch.
(I envision future Rutgers MORNING WOOD ads will say “All you can eat: Fat Bitches and fat To the girl who spreads bitches.”) her legs while slumping in her seat, keep doing what you’re doing! I love FREE PUPPIES! getting boners during my FREE PIZZA! morning class anyway.
FREE MONEY! FREE METH!
TONIGHT AT 8:00 PM IN ROOM 120B OF THE GEORGE STUPID CENTER (How do you expect to get W BUSCH CAMPUS CENTER Thank you wendy’s in a party without covering transvestite mexican. You put love in every sandwich you make for me. You never get nail polish in the sandwich so for that I thank you.
the 8:1 ratio? )
HOT HOT HOT
Send your personals and your hate mail to: themedium.personals@gmail.com AND follow @PersonalsRU.
(just kidding, Medium meeting. If you ain’t coming, you ain’t cumming.)
I’m sick of being tired and tired of being sick. Fuck New Brunswick Does currito only hire weather. Sunny and 65 mexicans? Not complain- one day then 25 and rain- HALLOWEEN STILL? ing just noticing thats all ing the next. Guys who commented on they have. Thatd be like my Halloween costume wendy’s just hiring obese (Why didn’t I go to school when I was walking on red head girls. in Florida or California? ) College Ave: Please keep your tiny dicks in your pants and your drunk TINY HIPPO OR..... opinions to yourself.
(There’s nothing hotter than a girl’s lips flapping in the wind during an 8:00 AM Accounting class.)
ROGER CLEMENS To the asshole who threw a bottle past my head when I wouldn’t let you into the party when I told it was closed don’t let me see you again or I’ll knock you out cold.
I will go to any club’s meeting on campus that offers free food, preferably Moe’s. I will listen to your bull shit speech about how great your club is just so I can munch down on some chips and guac.
(..... shaved guinea pig?)
(The Medium is working on getting pizza at our meetings. It will save us so much money on high munchies and replace the brain power we use on this paper.)
Dear Bird Boy, I also think I know who you are and I accept your courtly advances of friendship. I might also know where you live haha. Anyway, I’d love to watch bird porn with you. I’ll even let my bird sit (or masturbate on) your shoulder if you want! Just send me a carrier pigeon or something so we can meet up. Sincerely, Bird Girl. (Isn’t the beginning of young love beautiful, especially when its between two fucking weirdos?)
WORKAHOLICS
(Hopefully he doesn’t have Dear people, fro-yo closa bottle on him and better es at 11:30 PM on weekaim.) ends. Please do not come in at 11:29. No, go away. You are drunk and I am CLASSHOLES le tired and want to go I’M STILL BITTER FOR home. GETTING KICKED OUT OF CLASS FOR CHECKING THE TIME. #neverforget
(In all fairness to the drunk assholes, you were dressed as a slutty rabbit on (Looks like you got a real November 8th. ) time out! HaHaHa......... date me someone.)
GROUPON
PART 3
RACISM
(Better yet, just don’t go to fro-yo. It’s just ice cream people, wake up!)
PROFESSOR I am so sick of my professor picking on me in class. I don’t know shit about financial economics. Just stop, please.
Am I racist for being a white guy who doesn’t like to date white girls? I (Typical American ignojust love them minorities. rance at real issues facing the world. Just kidding, I’m (It’s a damn good thing you gonna make a dick joke incame to the most diverse stead.) college in the country. Being here is like being at a My professor is legit 90 mall food court of girls.) years old and looks like he’s gonna fall over and Before Rutgers I never die at any point during danced with black girls. class. I kinda hope he Now I only dance with does sometimes so we black girls. Twerk it. get the day off.
PERSONALS
Wednesday, November 131h, 2013
the Medium
“Ma boy doing work in the S lounge”
MAN OF THE WEEK: CAM JANSSEN From Yours Truly, Dr. Tossed Salad The man of the week is Cam Janssen. After spending the beginning of the season in the AHL, Cam returned to the Devils and has scored 2 goals in the last 3 games. I have to say Cam if you’re reading this, and I know you are, I jumped out of my seat everytime you scored, and I am extremly proud of your hard work. Fuck the Rangers. HIPSTER J BACK AGAIN Here’s A new one yo. True Story bro.
ON THE BUS
PURGE THE PIRG
HEY ASSFUCK
To the kid on the bus who took a selfie, you looked like a cool dude until you did that. Lost respect for you dude.
Why the fuck are those NJPIRG people SO. FUCKING. ANNOYING. I get it that you need like 2000000000 votes but you’re in my fucking face everywhere I go. When I’m waiting for the bus, “Hey have you voted”. When I’m in class, they give a fucking lecture just to tell us to vote for them. No matter how many times I tell them I voted they won’t shut the fuck up. They everywhere yo. I be studyin in da library, and NJPIRG asks me to vote. I be drivin and stop at a lite, NJPIRG asks me to vote. Next football game an NJPIRG dude runs out to the field and asks Gary Nova to vote, then Nova throws an interception. They be comin to our parties askin us to vote. Ima bring a drunk bitch home and she be like “Have you voted for NJPIRG”. Next NJPIRG person that asks me to vote I gonna NJpurge my lunch all over you.
Who the fuck uses chrome books? What are you trying to prove?
(Yeah I lost respect for whoever wrote this personal.) Hipster girl wearing shorts when it’s this cold out. Come on. (Oh I’ll come on it. You can bet your sweet ass I will.) This girl’s coffee smells so good. (Yeah I wish the bitch I hooked up with Friday pussy’s smelled nice. They can’t all be winners.)
WANNABE PUNS If I see one more pisscovered toilet seat in a public bathroom stall, I am going to burn the fucking building down. I don’t care which building. If you don’t know how to squat proper just sit the fuck down.
I was in the bookstore a few days ago, and I saw this fat, obese Chinese kid jumping around, shouting to his mom. He yelled in Chinese “MOM! I want this book! Why can’t I buy this book!!”. The mother just (Yeah get pissed! haha get kept on denying his loud and whiny request. The jin- it! I can make puns too.) gling fat was terrifying. The mom was kinda fat too. Hahaha... Asians and their love for books... Then I rePROSTITUTES alized I was Asian too, and well I don’t like books... During Halloween weekSo I was standing nearby reading recipe books... Well, end, Rutgers girls could because I like to cook, not because I like books... I give prostitutes a run for heard what happened and started giggling. The fat their money. Literally. kid shouted sommore in Chinese. “WHY!? WHY CANT I BUY THIS BOOK??” And because I know (I saw one get picked up on Livingston Ave Saturday Chinese, so I understood everything. night. Little spanish dude I laughed, to the point that I can’t control myself and walked past her and she shouted back in Chinese “It’s because you’re fat, you followed him. It was quite beautiful.) spoiled ungrateful annoying ass pig!” The kid and the mother looked at me, they both looked angry. I smiled and walked away. I walked to the shelf behind them and shouted loudly in Mandarin. “If your kid is obese, then I will automatically assume you are a failure as a parent!” I pwned their self-esteem good. Well I guess I have learnt my lesson. We have to face the cruel reality that everyone is a critic. So I should not get myself or my kids fat.. And do not spoil them too much... even with books.
COCK
NIPPLES
If you still quote Mean- I hate big nipples. The Girls for no reason I hate small ones are so much you. more fun to play with. (Means they have no dick!)
(Don’t be picky asshole.)
Another week of not get- I accidentally stubbed my ting to play Daft Punk’s nipple today and it hurts. “Doin’ it Right” because (Did I bite to hard, you told it wasn’t the right time. me to keep going. That’s (Next week fuckers.) your fault.)
MALLOMARS
(Oh don’t get me started on these NJPIRG people. Well first are they even people? What person would put themselves through this standing in the cold. Must be Robots. Robots was a good movie. Anyway today one of them asked if I voted and I said Yeah of coarse, they said “rele” and I was like yeah. No I didn’t fucking vote you asshole! Oh and Gary Nova voted, and he said yes.)
(Only people who like The View use Chrome Books.) Let’s just say that I can’t wait for certain people to graduate this year so I never have to see their annoying faces ever again. (...Yeah Managing Editor and EIC.) I’m stuck with my wannabe pornstar professor next semester again. I swear he has to change either his hair or the tight shirts he wears, he’s just trying too hard. To the guy who was screaming at the vending machine in the RSC today. Just so you know me and my friend were juding you hardcore. (My friend and I. Grammar police bitch.)
FINANCIAL I am so sick of my professor picking on me in class. I don’t know shit about financial economics. Just stop, please. (All about that short run and the long run and the budget lines. And idk what the fuck I’m talking about. Tits.)
To the kid in my accounting class who always turns to the personals. Theres other shit in this newspaper! I’m gonna hate on you all class now.
I’d vote for NJIRG if I The black guys were actually knew what they more respectable to me at did. (If you don’t hate on this the door than the white (Nothing really.) fucker then I will. This paassholes. per is kinda average. Should (The first personal was my read all of it. Fuck I gotta (Fucked them didn’t you. favorite this week. Your get- finish this column. Come That’s what’s up.) lick my asshole babycakes.) ting fucked tonight dude.) I’m convinced my fat REAL STAR WARS QUOTES professor spends his paychecks in the winter on mallomars. The fat fuck. (He got that fat dick doe. You know you know. Mallomars I gotta get some next time I go grocery shopping.)
COME TO OUR MEETING TONIGHT IN THE BCC @ 8 PM IN ROOM 120B. IF YOU DO YOU CAN EDIT THIS PAGE NEXT WEEK!
“Luke, I had hot sex with your mother.”
THE BACK PAGE
Wednesday, November 13th, 2013
“...I was talking to the wall.”
Caption Contest! And the winner of last week’s caption contest is....
Tonight 8pm @BCC rm120B Tempting Medium Meeting Featuring Pop Tarts, hookers, and a life-size cardboard cutout of President Robert Barchi.
Thursday 8:30pm @RSC multiporpose room The MacGyver Method: Turning What You Have Into What You Need Sell your soul to the devil.
By: Duane Reade Inc. | Opinionated Facebooker
A. Root Canals B. Being harassed by NJPIRG to vote C. Justin Bieber D. Being in crippling debt E. Piccolos F. Paper cuts G. Being Kicked in the balls.
What’s Shakin’
Tonight 7:00pm, @B&N College Ave Wow! Talks The closest you’ll ever get to attending an actual TED talk.
Things I prefer over registering for classes:
Brain Teasers
By: Broseph Stalin | Lost & Found Editor
“Insert CORNy caption here”
He’s here all week folks.
I decided on the photo below after one of the editors let out a high-pitched squeal upon seeing it. Send your lovely submissions to themedium. backpage@gmail.com and have a chance at being featured in next week’s issue. Aw yeah.
WANT TO BE FAMOUS?? Submit shit. themedium.backpage@gmail.com University Picks: Nerd Edition Top Strongest (non-fused) DBZ Characters
BK
Kid Buu: This guy can blow himself up along with everything around him, and then just regenerate like nothing happened. Not to mention, he can turn anything he wants into chocolate. Gohan: With nobody absorbed, Super Buu couldn’t touch him. This of course refers to Gohan after his “training” with the Elder Kai. Super Saiyan 3 Goku: Fights on par with Kid Buu for some time, but starts to get worn out after a while. And while arguably stronger than Gohan, he doesn’t have the feats to competely prove that.
Snuggie
Vegeta: His father and his planet are named after him. And DID YOU SEE WHAT HE DID TO PUI PUI?! Pui Pui: Only known loss is to Vegeta. And “when you fight with Pui Pui, death is a certainty!” Goten: Um...did you see how fast he threw that rock?
1) Let us say I have a massive headache and have decided that the only course of action to resolve this problem is by ingesting massive amounts of prescription quality cough syrup. Now, the recommended dosage of cough syrup to alleviate symptoms is about 2 tablespoons for a fully grown adult, but that isn’t enough to cure a headache, is it? The catch is if I drink too much, I probably will die of some hyper-toxic interaction, or at least get super sick. So I ask you, when were you planning on telling your significant other that you slept with that ho’ two weeks ago on Halloween night? Or did you think they weren’t going to find out anyway? 2) Professor McKinley is a philosophy professor with a class consisting of 3 sections, with about 30 students a section. He has one TA, named Abigail, and he has just recently given his class their second midterm, which consisted of a three page handwritten essay. It takes Professor McKinley an average of 15 minutes to grade each essay, while it takes Abigail 25 minutes on average to grade an essay. How many times will Professor McKinley try to get into Abigail’s pants before she can’t take it any longer and sues him for sexual harassment charges? 3) I’ve got a dead body rolled up in an old Persian carpet in the trunk of a car with an old rusty shovel that would probably break if used to dig through tough material. The body is probably 2 days away from decomposing far enough for the odor to become noticeable, at best, and the safest place to hide the body is about 90 miles west. Unfortunately the car is old and unreliable and can’t drive very far in the rain without breaking down. The weather forecast predicts heavy rain for the next two days. Have you told your mother you love her recently? Because I’m sure she worries about you.
Mr. Satan: He beat Cell with just a chop, despite having a deadly stomachache during the entire fight which would “kill any other person.” He was even able to cut Buu in half just by shooting him with a gun.
Want to contribute something to the best paper on campus? Send in your ideas for next week’s picks to themedium.backpage@gmail.com
WoB Review
By: Professor XXX | Veteran Copy-Editor
To be honest, I don’t remember shit. After three beers and four beer shots, bacon in a fucking cup blew my mind. Afterwards, I had this second year med student blow me. All in all, it was a good night. The service was great, except when the waitress assumed that I didn’t want another beer. This is why you don’t have a date Saturday night. Weekly specials were cool. Crowd was a little old, but chill. Weekend night parking took a while. I rate WoB 4 out of 5 beer shots.