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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
November 16, 2011
Volume xliI Issue X
NAUGHTY BITS
U INVESTIGATION UNCOVERS GREG SCHIANO SEX DUNGEON BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—After much media publicity following the recent scandal at Pennsylvania State University, where the football team's defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky was indicted last week for sexually assaulting several underage males, the university launched a thorough investigation into any possible illegal actions committed by the Rutgers football team and its staff. "Really, it was to cover all bases," said Director of Athletics Tim Liu. "We wanted to make sure that nobody was hiding anything. We didn't expect to discover what we found." What had been allocated as a "training area" deep in the infrastructure of High Points Solution Stadium was actually being used by Head Coach Greg Schiano to commit various acts of hedonistic sexual behavior.
QUICKSTERS
Creative writing student considers himself 'most goodest' of entire class
“I think my prose in relation to my colloquial vernacular is totally rad!”
ENDURANCE BUILDING EQUPIMENT Mohammed Sanu was found crying in a nearby corner in a gimp mask
"So far, we've recovered 30 pounds of assorted whips and chains, as well as several blindfolds and leather accessories," said Liu. "We also found something called a 'Slamwrench™.'" With an official statement released by Schiano's media management team confirming the ownership of what he had dubbed 'The Tight End Lounge,'
many feared massive action from students similar to the riots that occurred when Penn State coach Joe Paterno was terminated from his post last week. "We mobilized half the force," said RUPD Police Liutenant Lauren Wilkins. "But we kind of just stood on College Avenue collecting overtime. Nobody really seemed to care."
SOME GOOD OL' FASHIONED FOOD
Alumni Opens Throwback Restaurant BY KILLA WHALE FEATURES EDITOR
EAST BRUNSWICK—The gimmick restaurant, ’60 Alabama, had its grand opening last weekend despite an overwhelming lack of support for its southern-mentality theme. Restaurant owner Hank Sweeney, 28, is hoping that patrons will find the establishment’s tremendously racist theme to be educational. “I’m not looking to piss people off really but I just think history is very important, and I’m very proud of this country’s history,” said Sweeney. Sweeney graduated Rutgers University in 2006 with a Bachelor’s Degree in History which he used to justify opening ’60 Alabama. Last Saturday, doors opened for lunch at 11:00 AM but only six customers were served, all of which came dressed in plaid shirts, overalls, and work boots. One man was even seen carrying a shotgun into the restaurant.
50¢
Somerset Diner wastes one ton of cole slaw yearly Added to their yearly pickle expenses, there is much incentive to change their habits in terms of side dish distribution management.
RUPD cracks down on underage drinking, 65% of Rutgers University arrested " Seems like the only underage students we didn't arrest were a bunch of Asians who were sleeping in Alexander...."
NJ Devils hold bake sale "But don't draw conclusions out of this; we're in great financial shape," declared team owner Jeff Vanderbeek, before driving a truck full of empty pop cans to a Pearl River, NY 7-Eleven.
GET YER FIXINS' Despite the outward appearance, the tablecloths are extremely white...
Customer Ryan Buhler said, “I ordered the Confederate Burger, overall pretty good. The napkins were pretty interesting too, had two holes in them like it was a mask of some kind.” African-Americans living
in the area are the least pleased with the restaurant’s “threatening appearance” and “distasteful principles.” The NAACP has filed a formal complaint with the governContinued on Page 2
Be prepared!
ESTABLISHED 1970
'Days without Hate' considered emotionally draining to participants
"How do I express my emotions about everything going on in my life. Better yet, how the hell can I write a personal? I hate this eve-. Oh, wait. FUCK!"
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NEWS
Wednesday, November 16th, 2011
“A union of mimes would have nothing to talk about.”
NOMS
Local turkeys excited over recent increase in food rations
THE WEATHER: SENIOR CITIZENS EDITION! Wednesday
Something darn tootin' lousy (like socialism) because I felt it this morning in my bunion's bunions. A great day to catch up on Lawrence Welk re-runs and eat prunes.
High 44
Thursday
Put on your sunhats guys and gals because it's that global warming horsehockey that Obama-kissing scientists yammer about instead of embracing God and patriotism.
High 65 BY DAN 'OMAN' CHOG JR. STAFF WRITER
FEEDLOT 27A—Hundreds of white-feathered American largebreasted turkeys are certainly "gobbling" up all the extra food they have received over the past two weeks, which has caught them completely by surprise. "This is amazing!" said Tom, a 27-week-old male. "Normally we get just enough to make us grow a little bit each week." With weight a point of pride for the turkeys, the increased food is a blessing for those who wish to move up in the world. "Only the biggest turkeys get to be moved into the 'Big White Fort,'" said Camilla, another turkey, acknowledging a large, ominous white building a few hundred feet away from
their lot. "Nobody ever comes back from the 'Big White Fort' but we think that's because they get treated really nicely and don't have to stand outside in piles of their own crap." Continued Tom, "if I keep eating at this rate, I'll be as big as 'Fat Steve!' He's so stuffed he can't even stand up anymore!" Speculation as to why the amount of food has suddenly increased is growing among the residents of the feedlot. "We must be getting rewarded for doing a good job or something," said Mark, one of the skinnier turkeys. "They are lining up a bunch of trucks near the 'Big White Fort' which I assume is more food for us." Added Mark, "I don't know what a 'Butterball' is, but I hope it's tasty!"
WHAT'D YOU SAY, BRO? WHY YOU DISRESPECTING ME BRO? YOU WANNA GO BRO?! IGHT LETS BRO DOWN BRO!! ATTEND A MEDIUM MEETING TO DISCUSS THE IMPLICATIONS OF SUCH DISRESPECT! WEDNESDAYS @ 8:00 PM BUSCH STUDENT CENTER 116
Editorial Staff Fall 2011
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Kaitie Davis Kenneth Brooks Joey Threlfall Reven MacQueen
Friday
A little windy. When I was your age I used to walk 10 miles against walls of solid wind and then it would blow me 10 miles backwards and I'd have to start all over again!
High 48
Everyday
Sit down in your chair and try uploading your newfangled computerbox that the grandkids tried to show you, and go to http://www.rutgersmedium.com! Gee whiz, its a heckuva fine time! RESTAURANT THROWBACK
...continued from front
ing board of East Brunswick to have the restaurant either shut down or to remove the “colored” and “white” only doors. “Every black man, woman, or child that lives in that town should be outraged. I drove by the place with my 11-year-old son in the car yesterday and he started to cry,” said NAACP spokesman Dwayne Proctor, Ph.D. Proctor, Princeton Junction, believes that the restaurant will not only promote violence and intolerance against blacks but News Editors Jordan Gochman John Eberhardt Features Editor Shane Whelan Opinions Editor Amy DiMaria Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editors Steve Troulis III Dave Imbriaco
will actually be a sanctuary for racist groups. However, Sweeney has made an argument that his establishment is family-friendly and will not seek to discriminate against blacks or other minorities in any way besides the segregated doors, bathrooms, water-fountains, and seating areas. “We haven’t had any black customers yet,” said Sweeney. “Wish I could do more for them but I preach accuracy with anything historical.”
What’s Shakin Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche I'm king of the world!
Phillip Li Chris Peatman Amy De-Maria Kenneth Brooks Barbara Reed Bob Loblaw Oh, shit! Iceberg!
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to ALL members of the United States Military, both serving and retired. Because if it wasn't for them I'd probably be speaking some sort of silly language like German or Russain.
FEATURES
Wednesday, November 16th, 2011
“NOW HIRING.”
SENIORITIS
STUDENT
profile
Lauren Campbell - Senior
The Underground Beneath the streets of College Ave lurks a community of students that avoid the stresses of ordering out food by solely eating at Fresh Frites. Lauren might as well be the spokesperson for this counterculture. Her love/ hate relationship with Rutgers has led her to hibernate under the student center between classes. It all began Freshman year when she dormed at Mettler Hall. She enjoyed picking and choosing from a wide range of students to befriend. By the end of the year she had made as many as ten friends! Unfortunately, college life would soon take a downhill turn. The R.U. Screw hit her hard when she drew “12,000” as her housing lottery number. Broken and defeated, Lauren made the best of her situation by volunteering to help students move into their dorms that same year. She also plans on making the most of her graduation which will be this upcoming May. Lauren hopes to become a professional who cares after receiving her major in whatever.
CHIVALRY
THE
TOP Things Not to Say After Having Sex BY PROBABLY DRUNK STAFF WRITER/COPY EDITOR
1. You’re welcome. 2. Weird...could’ve SWORN I had a condom on. 3. You already had herpes anyway, right? 4. Decent. 5. Ugh, finally. I had to shit that whole time. 6. Guess my number! I’ll give you a hint: 47. 7. Thank God I’m drunk right now. 8. What’s your name again? 9. And boom goes the dynamite. 10. Welp, I got what I needed.
CUTE THING
GIVE THANKS
It’s the time of year to stop taking things for granted and be thankful instead. As the Features Editor, I’m thankful for The Medium, submissions (themedium.features@gmail.com) and...
R E L
HE
B B O
G
HE
T U R
T
T
BROETRY
BLUE BALLS & BE DAMNED
G IN
T DI
-E Y P
S P O
H
CO
ACADEMICS
SHIBA INU!!! It gallops majestically, chases its own tail and preys on groundhogs.
WHY YOU CAN’T REGISTER FOR THE CLASS YOU NEED
BY DOC ZEUS MANAGING BROET
I am Sam – Sam I am, Would you like to come and slam? I want to fuck you Sam I am, Please take me to your place to slam. Play with my piece and suck a bit, Yes, that’s right girl suck that shit. I’ll suck it faster Sam I am, I’ll suck it til’ your dick goes BAM! I want to put it in your cunt, Can I, is that what you want? With a condom, do me please, I DON’T do pull and pray you sleaze! She slapped and left poor SamI-Am, To tend to his blue balls and be damned.
the Medium RAMBLING
Going InShane Advanced Techniques in PostDefacation Sanitization
Let’s face it, we all wipe our ass, unless of course we’re not physically able to and need a caretaker’s assistance. Either way, somehow our butt needs to be cleaned. This messy chore is a burden to all and approximately 85% of the population doesn’t look forward to it. I’m here to tell you that wiping your ass doesn’t have to be that bad. But first, in order to understand how to properly cleanse your buttocks, you must understand the downfalls of such a process. First, if the toilet paper you’re using is cheap and tears easily or isn’t silky smooth then you’re going to end up getting feces all over your fingers and possibly a rash. Not fun. Secondly, toilet paper and shit can clog the bowl, leading to embarassing calls to management and/or drenching your clothes in filth from flooding. Finally, wiping your ass is just plain gross. I mean, think about it, humans shake hands to greet each other, masturbate, and stick our fingers up our asses to remove nasty, grimy shit that has turned your ass into a toddler’s mouth full of chocolate pudding. Plus, it smells. That’s the biggest problem I have with pooping, it smells. I can handle my own farts (most of them) but I can’t handle the smell of my shit on toilet paper. Personally, when I wiped in the past I would look at the used paper before disposing it. Gross, I know, but it lets me know how much more I have to go. I’m here to tell you that I’ve taken steps to eliminate the nasty process of “poop-checking.” Instead of glancing at the paper after your first three wipes, just follow this advanced technique: • Tear paper • Wipe ass • Drop paper immediately Using this three-step method will make your last several wipes less disgusting and smelly so you can actually view the paper. After viewing your fourth and fifth wipe you should have a better idea of how much shit you have left stuck up your buttcrack. Try it out! -Sha NayNay
OP/ED
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“See you in the Nightosphere you sick freak.”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
Rutgers Should Not Change Its Leadership BY MICHARD RICORMICK
As an impartial observer to the events at Rutgers University, I want to publicly say that the University does not need to elect a new president at this time. When Richard McCormick announced that he would resign at the end of the year, I was shocked and appalled. I couldn’t imagine someone else who could run the university with such class and poise. When Rutgers was in turmoil last year, President McCormick was there to hold the community together. He sent out perfectly-worded e-mails that kept people calm. I believe that when students when to bed on the night of Rutgersfest they wanted answers to the violence and chaos. They were able to wake up to reassuring words from their president, letting them know absolutely nothing. If a new presidential candidate was to step into a situation like that,
Wednesday, November 16th, 2011
he could never handle it like President McCormick. Some assholes just don’t want to deal with politics and have to force out the people above them - even if that person gave them their jobs! Goddammit, Craig! You can’t make me leave! That’s just what I feel as someone completely impartial to the situation
“I have never once seen him hide in his office.” and someone who is not Richard McCormick. I think if the Rutgers Board of Governors was thinking clearly they would understand why a new president is the wrong choice. President McCormick connects with the students on a personal level. He is always available to speak with the students, the people he is answering to. I have never once seen him hide in his of-
fice during important events. “Available to students” should be that man’s middle name. He’s the kind of university president that would give you the shirt off his back. “Generosity” could be his other middle name. And he just looks like the kind of man that you want to be your leader. He’s tall and strong looking. Intimidating to his enemies and kind to his students. There’s nothing mousy about this striking character. He’s the man in charge and no one can push him around. Does the presidential search committee seriously think they’re going to find someone better than this? Honestly, I think they’re wasting their time. They’re always sending out e-mails about the next step in the process, not caring who sees it. Any student or ex-president could see these steps and feel disheartened that it was happening.
THERE ARE SIX TURKEYS IN THE TURKEY HUNT
ADVICE
Ask A Man Who’s Slowly Shrinking
Dear Man Who’s Slowly Shrinking, My wife and I recently celebrated our 9 -year anniversary. I bought her this vacuum that she has been saying she wants for months. Her gift to me was this amazing set of golf clubs I mentioned ages ago and she remembered. Now I feel like my gift to her wasn’t good enough compared to what she bought for me. She said that she isn’t mad, but I can feel her being short with me lately. Is there any way that I can make it up to her? -Married in Minnesota
Many husbands have similar problems with their wives. They attempt to do something nice but find that they have somehow done something to make her angry instead. Hmmm, I feel
something strange happening inside me. Everything suddenly feels constricted and small. Maybe it’s just something I ate. Did something happen to my keyboard? All the keys seem like they’re a weird size. They definitely weren’t like this before. Sorry about that. If you really want to solve the problem with your wife I would recommend not trying to guess what she wants and instead talk things out with her.
Ok, I’m sorry but something seriously strange is happening. I don’t think it’s just the keyboard. I think everything around me is getting bigger. Or is it me? Oh God, am I the one getting smaller? What could even cause this? Was it that witch doctor I ran into last week? He seemed really angry but I figured that kind of stuff couldn’t possibly be real. Was it that mysterious potion I drank? I knew there had to be something suspicious about it. Well if it happened then there must be some kind of way to reverse it.
Maybe I could go back and find that witch doctor and tell him to turn me back. How will I even be able to find him when I’m like this?
Ok, think Paul, think. There has to be some kind of way out of this. Ugh,
everything feels so overwhelming and big. I’ll never find clothes that can fit me so I can get out of here.
I have to get out of here. Just get past the cat and I’m out the front door. Maybe I can fashion these paper clips on my desk into some sort of rope and get down from the chair. There’s no way I can jump, it’s like jumping off a building. Jesus, it’s getting worse. Look, I’ll get back to your question about your wife in a minute. I’m kinda dealing with this right now. Holy shit the cat looks like a elephant right now. He’s gonna think I’m a mouse and try to eat me. How can I possibly slip by him? I’ll have to distract him with something. Gotta figure out a plan before he gets to the chair. He can definitely outrun me which means I’ll have to outsmart him instead. What would be the perfect thing to distract the cat? Oh no, he’s in the room and he loves to sit on the desk chair. My only option right now is to remain absolutely still. If he does jump up here then I’ll just have to fight him off. I’m sure I can scare him long enough to run. God, if the cat doesn’t kill me then the fall probably will. You never think this will happen to you. I wonder if I can somehow get the cat to take me there? Maybe he’d let me ride him? I mean, he already loves me. That’s a ridiculous idea. But I guess when you’ve been shrunk by a crazy witch doctor or some kind of magical potion you’ll try anything. Man, I can’t believe this is what I’ve become. Ok, I can see the cat, but I’m not sure that he sees me. I guess my element of surprise is all that I have right now. I hope my wife can come home soon and find me. Lock the cat in the pet taxi or something. She has to find me eventually. Maybe I can
convince her to take me somewhere to get this fixed. I can’t imagine she’s any more of an expert on this than I am.
Wednesday, No Shave November 16th, 2011
ARTS
“The Hippo Sloth speaks the opposite of Chinese.”
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GRAFFITI
Location: Under a bridge
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COMIC
PERSONALS
the Medium TOILETTE? To the biddie that dressed up as a skanky girl scout for Halloween: I appreciate the effort, but oh how obvious it is that you took that uniform from your when you were a little goody-twoshoes princess! Now that uniform is being worn by the same you 10 years later while you're on your knees sucking meaty cock at Rutgers. You get an A+ in life!
Wednesday, November 16th, 2011
“Just open up door ten and shout JASON!”
VENDETTA
To the guy who stole my shit, you thought I wouldn’t catch you and that you were in the clear, but thats where you were wrong motherfucker. You didn’t count on the fact that I kept track of everything and was able to track it as it surfced on the internet. I am on the fast track to ruining your fucking life and destroying you have ever known and loved. I swear to god (Its like looking into a slutty you will never see freemirror that tells the future) dom again. Hope you enjoy your stay in jail you To the old asshole Chi- thick fuck and always renese man in Ford Hall member the guy who demain lounge on Sunday stroyed your existance. night. I asked you to borrow your phone because (Seriously, Fuck that guy) I was locked out and To the Expos II teacher my phone and my keys that keeps failing people were inside my room. for actually trying on I needed to call emertheir papers. We/you gency housing. You said know who you/we are. yes. You made me wait YOU ARE A REDNECK while you packed up all WHEATPUFF! I noticed your things. You started that everyone who is a to walk away. I reminded premed is failing your you about letting me use course and all the BS your phone. You said yes. communications majors Then you went into the (no pun intended) are kitchen and then walked getting straight As. You away to the bathroom. I CLEARLY have some never got to use your cell, type of failed childhood I was still locked out with dream about being a docno phone, and the emertor and are taking it out gency dorm phone still on people who actually doesn't work. Fortunatetry. If students go to ofly, someone else let me fice hours, participate in use theirs. You, sir, are a class, email you about douchecopter. Please go their work, spend hours the fuck back to China, writing excellent papers, learn some God damn don't give them the "NP" manners and learn how which is the Rutger's to understand English, English department's so you can understand way of saying "YOU when people ask you for SUCK." This communihelp. ASSHOLE. Go fuck cations major has been yourself. getting straight As on (Im not racist, I hate every- papers written 2 hours one equally.) before the start of class Has anyone noticed the while being drunk and woman who drives one high! WTF!!!
FUCKING ECLIPSE
FROM A TRUCK STOP IN KENTUCKY
To the mean personal I was going to write about a certain person: I’m not sure why I didn’t write you, but I have a feeling that if I did it would come back to bite me in the ass. Perhaps this makes me a pussy, but, who gives a fuck? (WE DO! Write the most angry vulgar shit you can, we would appreciate it.) To the Indian kid in physics 2 with gilman, you don’t need to ask 14 un-related questions per class that have less to do with the fucking class than my big toe. Which, if you keep it up, is going to end up rammed so far up your ass that you’re going to be questioning This picture was taken somewhere in south how well you know Kentucky at a truck stop on a 23 hour drive physics. straight through from Florida to Michigan To everyone who saw me last year on Halloween, yes, it was me in the gumby suit, and I will be back again this year. Also, to the guy whos car I started drunkenly humping while he was trying to pull out of the driveway, sorry I didn’t run away quicker when you got out of the car, my hand was stuck to your rear windshield wiper!
over the summer. A trucker’s gotta get his fix somewhere I suppose. They must’ve been fresh out of the “cousin” edition.
(This one is being printed a little late, but it sounds like somebody had an interesting night. Too bad you weren’t around long enough to give the car a happy ending.)
to the fat kid in 20th Century, despite what the professor has said none of your half thought outbursts have been insightful. Your immaturity and musical tastelessness was made apparent when you bashed Wagner in an early class and at the begining of another blasted 90s pop phone speakers. Also you should know better than to eat a sub in class fat ass!
WHAT IS THIS CRAP? So this past week ive been up to my eyeballs in absolute shit. and coming in to work on my page is my way of venting. Over the weekend I had a thief thrown in jail, what did you people do? On top of everything I still need to study for exams and attempt to finish all my work that ive been putting off while I ruthlessly tracked this bastard down. So enjoy the rage fest. If you don’t like what you see here, submit something, you fuck, if you see stuff you like..... keep sumbitting more content. We like the attention TheMedium.Personals@gmail.com
To all rutgers students who left the RU vs USF game in the third quarter missing one of if not the best game of the year; fuck you. you never ever leave a game before it Yes, I know we all lived ends. it makes us look with you last year, but we bad when we cant fill the were just putting up student section, and then with you. THAT’S IT. I half of you leave before don’t want to fucking atthe game is over. while tend your “Bus Driver im ranting, Demarest, get Appreciation Week” faceit together, i want to play of the B buses and is al- To the kid with red hair book event. You think we football. ways in my Digital Logic De- fucking appreciate the -The only sports fan in bus smoking a cigarette out- sign class. I know all Demarest side the BCC? She looks about your ass fucking. drivers? I wasn’t told that (Show some school spirit JUST like Mr. Sir from That’s right, I saw you the word appreciation people, whats the point of had been redefined to Holes… Like IDENTI- put it in that girls ass even going to the games if CAL… that one night last year. mean “say thank you to you are just going to leave the people that take 40 early? What a waste) (First transit hires anyone Stop pretending like it minutes to get you 5 they can get to drive those didn’t happen, and start To the dude who left his goddamn busses, even un- lighting shit on fire with minutes away”. Seriously… one day is even pubes in my dorm bathemployed actors from low your hair of fury. too much…. But an entire room. Thanks, now my budget films.) (Damn kids and your anal week? collection is finally comI will fucking find you sex....) plete. tehe Fuck off.
(Burn!) To the RA in the South Tower, I just want you to know that not only are you very beautiful and smart and awesome in every way, but you are also the best RA ever, you're so much better than Noel, Chester, and Gopal =] I know this is late, but Happy Birthday.
PERSONALS
Wednesday, November 16th, 2011
“The Medium: helping creeps start conversations with attractive women since thwe 1970s.”
SOMETHING-ISM
SEXISM
To the feminist ogre in social psych, I’m sorry my conversation carried 20 seconds into the beginning of lecture. I’m sure half of the exam answers lied in his intro to the new chapter. Anyone with half a brain in this class knows studying an hour before the exam gets you (He either has no idea an A. No matter how futhat it’s no longer 1925 or riously you take notes, watches waaaaay too much it doesn’t help you learn Boardwalk Empire.) more and it won’t relive Dear Couple that sat next your sexual frustration. to me at Neilson on the parking lot that is Dou- (Is said “feminist ogre” glass Campus... I hope white? If so then point her that the baby you plan in the direction of the allon aborting eats you black frats and she’ll get genitalia-first and eats some sexual relief there. As your soul after you use Bill Maher once said, “I’ve that rusty clotheshanger always believed that the that you’ll find in your drug was has been about trailer back home to take finding out what black men it out. You are slimey liked and making it illesons-of-bitches and you gal; it’s a wonder that they deserve to be tortured by haven’t outlawed fat white having Herman Cain shit women.”) on you for endless eter- To the boys making the nity. Love, Sick of Trailer tent on the ee last friday, Trash Bitches i love you. Anyone who (1) I thought Livingston enjoys making blanket was the parking lot, not forts, especially on movDouglass and 2) at least ing vehicles is an A plus they’re getting some, which in my book. I have a feeling you aren’t.) To the Kid with the Fedora and long brown hair in my Ritual, Myth, and Propaganda Class... I LOVE YOU! I hope that you call me sometime, STOP PLAYING HARD TO GET, please? (even though it does turn me on)
To most of the people in my life and on this dying planet: you suck. You are nothing but self-centered, untrustworthy, and unreliable parasites. I’m not helping you anymore, so go fail your life without me. I’m so tired of giving and getting nothing in return. Thanks for reminding me why I’ve chosen to be a lone wolf my whole life. Love, Sith Lady.
RACISM To the fucking jew bagels sitting on either side of me on the bus. I wouldn’t mind having your nasal heavy voices bounce back and forth in my head like a ping pong ball if u had a short conversation. But you preceded to talk about useless shit FOR THE WHOLE RIDE. a minor in hr? Jewish parents don’t let thier kids study how to be a useless sack of crap. I’m already a self loathing jew but now I want to kill myself for even being tied to the same heritage. If I see either of you again I will rip the ten fucking extra pounds of cartilage off your noses.
YODA SATANIC OF DESK THE FROM Decent week, not amazing but not horrible either. Hope you all enjoyed our guest editor last week, and I know at least one of you who took the time to tell us about it didn’t (see below). THEMEDIUM.PERSONALS@GMAIL.COM Okay, now I’m going home to play some more Skyrim. Fuck you guys. ~Satanic Yoda, Senior Personals Editor
To the nutcase god-loving preacher asshole on college ave, Motherfuckers like you are angering people of your own religion. To hold up a sign claiming evolution is a lie, is fuckin ignorant, considering evolution put even your retarded ass on earth. I dont give a fuck how many cocks youve taken in the Con(I don’t think I’ve ever seen fessional to make you this two bagels, never mind “Jew way, but we don’t wanna Bagels” (or “gentile bagels hear your illogical horsefor that matter) ever talk to shit rambling. Maybe afeach other, much less ride ter sucking him off, god the bus. I think you did too blew a holy load on your much acid last weekend.) face, completely blurring The only people who your sense of reality, you think The Medium is fuckin cunt. I hope Satan supporting rape are fat crawls up from the firey ugly virgins who want pits of hell you speak of, to be raped themselves. and fucks you till your Written by A GIRL- Deal asshole bleeds. with it. (Hahahaha amen?)
99% of the Personals page offends 1% of the population
(Someone’s feeling pretty self-righteous today!)
To the boy who drives the two-toned Ford Explorer. Have some goddamn courtesy. I was walking behind you in the morning after you parked the other day and could smell your farts the whole time – fresh from your morning brew. I feel bad for your girlfriend, if you even have one… (Another champion-grade fart-smeller this week! Seriously, you all should work for the fucking bomb squad or something. You all have noses that are comparable to a bloodhound that’s trying to find a dead body in a swamp. The career possibilities are endless!!)
the Medium
OCCUPY THE MEDIUM!
To the guy sitting next to me on the bus: Why do you have both an iPod Touch and an iPhone? Is your ego so deflated that you need to prove to everyone that you can hold $800 worth of fickle, poorly-crafted electronics in one hand? To the LX bus driver who told us that we are the best, no sir, YOU are the best. I wish you could drive every bus I take. (Okay so the other week was the pathetically-attended Campus Media Forum and someone asked me if we would ever print “nice” personals to which I said something along the lines of “Sure, if they’re funny, but they usually aren’t at all.” The above submission I think proves my point.) To my beautiful neighbor. You are the definition of the girl next door… or in this case the girl across the street. I love to gaze at your lit window thinking about how you’re writing away the night, you’re so talented, so hilarious. And whether you have your hair down, or tucked away in your baseball cap you look absolutely beautiful. I wish that when you say that you’ll come over for a cigarette, you mean it because I always end up waiting on my porch so longingly… It’s ok though we hang out sometimes. Hope to see you around the hood. To the random chode who was Personal’s editor last week, You were terrible. I bet you jizzed in your pants as soon as you stepped into exxotica. Wtf was up with the titles you elitist fuck. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul. And I hope the Medium never puts the Personals in the hands of an amateur again. (Ahhh much better. Until next week!)
WINE & LIFESTYLE “Cthulhu, magic cats, and penis tower! YEAHHHHHHHH”
YOGA YODA
Fatass’s Guide to Yoga
Wednesday, November 16th, 2011
YOUR WEEKLY ALBUM REVIEW
Animals As Leaders Weightless
by Supa Krupa Troopa by Ryan Felder on 11/14/2011 Is the most strenuous part of your day checkVirtuoso instrumental metal ing your e-mails? Here are some tips to add some flexibility into your life ;) Animals As Leaders are an instrumental metal band based 1. Sun Salute: The day should start with you getting your lazy ass out out of Washington, DC. They’ve toured with a wide variety of bed. This herculean task might be too much for you but it’s okay, of bands, such as Intronaut, Circa Survive, and Underotake these excercises slow. While you’re up, holla atcha ya boy the ath. Lead by guitar wizardTosin Abasi, Animals As Leadsun. ers play a unique brand of progressive metal. The music 2. Open-fridge-door pose: You probably already do this many times is entirely instrumental - the backing instrumentals sound a day to retrieve foods like ice cream. When done in repetition, this a lot like Meshuggah. However, the main attraction of the pose will help you build massive biceps. music is Abasi’s perfectly melodic, precise, and intense 3. Texting-pose: Get your phone out, find a contact from your address guitar theatrics. This is a very skilled band and have more book and get ready, set, TYPE! This excercise has been proven to enpotential for appeal than a lot of other metal bands because hance hand-eye cordination, stamina and cardio endurance. they don’t have death growls and screaming. Listen to this album, you won’t be disappointed! RIYL: Blotted Science, 4. Swig-from-soda pose: This will rot your teeth and you’ll only have Scale The Summit to worry about one big pack of fat instead of a six pack. 5. Sitting-in-chair pose: Solidify your jelly legs into sexy rocks. This excercise will tighten your guts and hamstrings. All you gotta do is push your donk out and plant it on a seat! Interdenominational-involving different religious denominations | Menispermaceousbotanical name for a family of flowering plants | Mischaracterization-to give a false or misleading character to Pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism-a condition where the individual has the phenotypic appearance of pseudohypoparathyroidism type 1a, but is biochemically normal | Honorificabilitudinitatibus-the state of being able to achieve honors | Antidisestablishmentarianism-doctrine of opposition to the social and political establishment | Eyjafjallajokull-volcano in Iceland that erupted in 2010 | Zweihundertvierundachtzigtausend-284,000, in German | Acanthopterygian-belonging
to the order of fishes having spinose fins | Aerothermodynamics-the study of the thermodynamics of gases | Sesquipedalianist-a person who uses long words | Floccinaucinihilipilification-the act or habit of describing or regarding something as unimportant | Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious-Mary Poppins song | Cytopathogenicity-producing pathological changes in cells | Electroencephalographic-abbreviated “EEG” | Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia-fear of long words |
RETARDED SHIT
Your retarded article about retarded shit that doesn’t retard retards. Retarded shit that is just so retarded that retards would be retardedly retarded by. Shit so shitty that it’s retarded. So shitty and retarded that the shit is retarded and the retard is covered in shit. Shitty shit just retards retards further. This is a serious commentary on the shitty retarded state that society is shittily suspended in.There is no coming back from retarded shit further retarding the shittily shitty retarded minds of young shitty America. They were going to be retarded enough, why throw more shit at retards? Never go full retard. Across 3. involving different religious denominations 5. To give a false or misleading character to 9. The study of the thermodynamics of gases 12. doctrine of opposition to the social and political establishment. 15. abbreviated “EEG” 16. the state of being able to achieve honours Down 1. The act or habit of describing or regarding something as unimportant 2. Fear of long words 4. a condition where the individual has the phenotypic appearance of pseudohypoparathyroidism type 1a, but is biochemically normal 6. Mary Poppins song 7. Belonging to the order of fishes having spinose fins 8. producing pathological changes in cells 10. A person who uses long words 11. 284,000, in German 13. Volcano in Iceland that erupted in 2010 14. botanical name for a family of flowering plants