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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
Volume xli Issue Xi
INTOXICATION
U TO INSTALL 4LOKO VENDING MACHINES
services, Phusion has offered to sponsor winter sports teams. “The NEW DRUNKSWICK—Dedrink really gets the spite nationwide disgust guys pumped up,” said and the banning of the prodHead Men’s Basketball uct on college campuses, Coach Mike Rice. “They Rutgers University has confeel invincible and have firmed a partnership with extremely high energy Phusion Products, the maklevels. I feel caffeine, ers of 4Loko. stimulants, and alcohol The popular alcoholic should have been given energy drink has come under to the players years ago. fire for its coma-inducing The only downfall, sadly, tendencies. The combinais the neon colored puke tion of alcohol and caffeine that is splattered around has resulted in numerous the locker room after the hospitalizations across the games.” country. Students can expect The decision comes afto find Four-Lokos in ter intense studies conductall Rutgers vending maed on the Busch and Cook chines and dining halls campuses where officials by Monday. Students can have claimed that it stimu- THE NEW REASON HOBOS NEED CHANGE... expect all their favorite lates students to stay awake in Loko, take some of my room- flavors, along with a new flavor lectures. Students who drink a mates adderall, and have coffee created exclusively for the UniFour-Loko in class are found from Brower, I get a ton of work versity, called “Scarlet Screw.” to participate more, albeit con- done in minutes,” said MGSA The beverage will contain a tributing answers that defy log- Junior Mark Blitznan. “Also, my higher alcohol content than its ic and reason. poo turns different colors!” predecessors and will have a de“I find that If I chug a FourAs part of their vending licious pomegranate flavor. BY HEAVE ENUP CONTRIBUTING WRITER
YOU GOT TIVO'D!
NBC Buys TBS, Cancels Conan BYTHE KILLA WHALE STAFF WRITER
ATLANTA—Conan O’Brien’s new late night talk-show on the TBS cable network has come to an abrupt end after less than two weeks of programming. The National Broadcasting Company (NBC) announced that they have purchased the Turner Broadcasting System (TBS) from its previous owner, Time Warner. NBC’s first act after the transaction was cancelling TBS’s newest show, Conan. “Story of my life, right?” said O’Brien. “I’m glad I didn’t delete my Twitter account.” O’Brien departed from his position at The Tonight Show on NBC back in January when network executives asked him to move to a later time slot. However, shortly after in April he struck a deal with TBS to run a one-hour show from Monday to Thursday, starting at 11 p.m. “It’s very unfortunate that
50¢
NOVEMBER 17th, 2010
Mr. O’Brien is always in the wrong place at the wrong time,” said NBC executive Steve Burke. “I don’t want there to be any hard feelings but that bastard slammed us so hard this past week, we have no choice but to fire him.” It is still unconfirmed why NBC chose to purchase TBS but most sources believe that it is simply “payback.” O’Brien had been known to “take shots” at NBC and make degrading comments about their programming since leaving the network. Former NBC President Jeff Zucker claimed to have been a victim of constant bullying and practical jokes by O’Brien over the past few months. “Do you know what it feels like to wake up every morning just knowing that there is going to be a burning, brown bag of dog shit on your front doorstep?” said Zucker. The former president also stated that O’Brien’s sidekick, Andy Rich-
ter, had repeatedly been spotted lurking in bushes and trees outside Zucker’s home. “Andy would dress in camouflage and make scary animal noises all night long …glad they fired him!” said Zucker, in tears. O’Brien will film his final Conan Thursday evening. He is still unsure on what his next course of action will be but said that he is leaning towards starting his own You Tube channel. Loyal supporters of O'Brien such as Tom Hanks and Will Ferrell have even offered to let him film a show in their basements until he can sign a deal with another network or possibly start a music career. “Fuck it, I’ll just auto-tune the news like everyone else,” said a disgruntled O’Brien. “They’re climbing in your networks, snatchin’ yo shows up, trying to cancel ‘em, so ya’ll need to hide yo shows, hide yo staff, cause they firin’ e’rbody out here.”
A Musical for the Whole Family ESTABLISHED 1970
QUICKIES
Famine strikes 122 Huntington Street NEW BRUNSWICK—Emergency relief efforts are currently underway to provide nine students with critical food supplies as the winter months set in after an unusually weak crop of stolen Brower entrees and care packages from Mom failed to provide them with adequate sustenance. The United Nations Famine Relief organization urged all available aid to be channeled toward 122 Huntington St in order to avert further loss of life, as one in the house reported that his “buzz” had been the first to go. “It was so young,” resident Dan Sroczynski reflected somberly. Experts concluded that the famine began in the midst of a bumping rager when several residents emerged from the basement, only to confront a horrifyingly diminished supply of hot pockets and doritos. “I just.. don’t know how this could have happened,” resident Brian Wickizer commented, casually sipping a beer. “We’re good people, why is God punishing us?”
Also in this week's issue... New full-service gym to be built: staff does the workout for you! Study shows women who drink are more fun to study Fire department called to remove jeggings from fat bitch Rosie O'Donnell tells us what it's like to be saved by the fire dept.
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NEWS "My IKEA rug has cake on it! NOOOOOO!"
$800 PER CREDIT!
"Just to Graduate" added to Spring course offerings BY RANDOM ANONYMOUS THOROUGH COPY EDITER
NEW BRUNSWICK— Rutgers University has added a new elective for seniors that plan on graduating after completion of the Spring Semester. The course, entitled “Just to Graduate,” is a one section, 3.0-credit class and will fulfill any major or minor requirement at the School of Arts and Sciences. “Finally, a class that really captures what being a senior is all about,” said Political Science Major Brian Wilson. “I just needed one more elective and this was the only class that caught my eye.” Students enrolled in Just to Graduate will meet at the Rutgers Student Center on College Ave Campus starting this January. An instructor has not yet been assigned but sources within Rutgers believe the class will be mostly student-run. Communications Major Lea Michaels said, “I’m totally stoked, the course description on WebReg is completely empty!” Furthermore, Michaels and other students like her are even more excited that a final exam may or may not exist. Unfortunately, the 300 slots allocated for the class were filled almost immediately.
Event's Around Campus
15
Wednesday, Yesvember 17th, 2010
GOVERNMENT OVERSIGHT
RUSA TO REVIEW STUDENT PRIVACY BY OBSERVING FROM TREE BRANCHES OUTSIDE DORMS "None of your business is certainly our business"
BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER DEMANDED THIS BE PUBLISHED
COLLEGE AVE— The Rutgers University Student Assembly announced recently that it would be looking into the issue of student privacy on campus in order to assess the level of understanding about what information is and isn’t being shared with others. RUSA has established a council headed up by Privacy Committee Chairman Mark Hampton which will assign privacy auditors to move into dorm rooms with students for the next two semesters and observe every action taken by said students daily. “I feel like in order to figure out to what extent students believe their privacy rights on campus are, we need to roll up our sleeves and give them absolutely no privacy whatsoever,” Hampton told reporters at the weekly RUSA press conference. “I can’t wait to shack up with some hot bit…students and really get to know their entire bodies. Their bodies of privacy I mean. Hot, sexy, privacy.” In order to properly “observe” student behavior, RUSA has approved the conversion of double occupancy rooms in dorms into quadruple occupancy spaces with the mandatory
YOU DIDN'T VOTE IN THE PRIMARIES?! YOU DIDN'T VOTE?!!!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO JERK OFF IN FRONT OF THE STATUE OF LIBERTY AND EAT CHALUPAS AND CHINESE FOOD, SENOR OSAMA?
17
Stop by the Busch Campus Center for "Designing Creative Assignments," a favorite annual workshop previously known as "Telling Your Essay Prompt to 'Fuck You'"
18
Come on over to the Rutgers Geology Museum on College Ave to see... oh who the hell here gives a shit about this stuff? I like to waste ink!
DICK IS PEEPIN' OUT requirement that all beds are to be bunked with RUSA getting the “more comfortable” ones. In addition to the announced intrusion of auditors, RUSA has also earmarked $134,000 for the purchase of binoculars, video cameras, and other “personal items” that will assist the “secret auditors” who will be covertly inserted into tree branches located outside certain dorm rooms. “Yes, our ‘Arbor-ters’ will be acting along the traditional lines of a stalker but I don’t think any of you need to wor-
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ry at all,” reassured Hampton. “Especially you, Rebecca Lewis of Clothier. You don’t have to worry about it! You’re safe so maybe try opening your blinds a little wider when you’re going to and from your 9:23 shower. The light really makes you shine all over. All over. Yeah..” In an unrelated story, RUSA will offer a series of lectures on how to dress like a woman who knows what she wants and gets it too. The event is free and is open to all students, especially you, Rebecca Lewis of Clothier. Wear something…simple.
Did you aware that? The Medium provides free tinfoil hats to its writers to protect them from the evil satellite rays beamed at us by McDonalds! Get your own!
Wednesday, 8pm RSC 410
...AND WIPE YOUR ASS WITH BURNT AMERICAN FLAGS AND SHOOT BABY BALD EAGLES!
Editorial Staff Fall 2010
McCormick utilizes his PhD in Creepiness Studies to his advantage
Reven MacQueen John Bender Joey Threlfall Tim Swanson
News Editors Kaitie Davis Jordan Gochman Features Editor Katie Russian Opinions Editor Erinn Koerner Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editor Carmella Luczak
Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Photo Manager Webmaster Faculty Advisor
Kenneth Brooks Amy DiMaria Shane Whelan Abe Stanway Abe Stanway Barbara Reed
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the person who vandalized some of our issues in Murray Hall. Yes, the article was a bit sexist, but it was also written by a girl, formated by the female news editor and approved by our female Editor in Chief. Now go make us a sandwich.
Wednesday, November 17th, 2010
FEATURES “Smile, Jesus hates you!”
THE MEDIUM
By Amanda Hugginkiss
Staff Bitch
My time as a Journalism and Media Studies major at Rutgers is rapidly approaching an end and I couldn’t be happier. My contempt for the program does not stem from the professors, course load, or subject matter. It was, in fact, my classmates that drove me over the edge of sanity a while back. I have started to actually believe that some divine force of nature brings at least one of the following types of people into every Journalism class: 1.) The girl that doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up There is always, without fail, one of these morons that never learned basic social skills. Nobody gives a shit what you ate for breakfast, no one cares about your birth right trip, and I promise no one wants to listen to you constantly interrupt the professor with questions an autistic 7-year-old would ask. 2.) Bimbos and/or mimbos who don’t belong in college These are the people who spend the entirety of class on Facebook/AIM and don’t give professors the decency to even pretend they’re listening. Even with a degree they won’t be able to advance past a job handing out flyers, so why do they even bother coming to school? 3.) Teacher’s Pet You clearly have some self esteem issues if you’re still trying so desperately to win a professors’ approval by claiming to read 20 different newspapers every morning. 4.) Egocentric Targum writers OK, I get it. You write for the Targum. It’s not quite obvious enough when you wear Targum gear every day, so you reference it every two minutes to prove that you’re so much better than the rest of us pathetic peons. If you really think this is going to make me respect you more, you are gravely mistaken. Please do all of us a favor by taking the giant crowbars out of your asses. Then maybe I’ll think about reading the Targum. But then again, probably not.
Every high school has that classic, stereotypical “fat kid that no one likes.” Mine had several. First there was AJ, the obnoxious fat kid that always showed up to parties uninvited and proudly announced his fetish for fat chicks to whoever would listen. He got into Columbia after claiming to be black on his application (he is very, very Italian). To everyone’s complete and utter shock, he dropped out after the first semester. He is currently a drug addict who lives in his mother’s basement and plays with lightsabers. Then, there was (to protect his identity, we’ll use his nickname) KTL. KTL moved to town in the summer of 2005. I had the pleasure of working with him at Stop and Shop that summer (it was the only non-mafia related business in town that hired 15-year-olds), and thus I met him before the rest of my classmates did. KTL did not have the brain capacity to be a cashier and he was often assigned to be my bagger. But instead of bagging groceries, he spent his work days stealing Reese’s peanut butter cups from the line and taking joy rides on the conveyer belt while lines of angry old people built up. “Man,” I thought as I watched the spectacle, “This kid is going to get eaten alive when he comes to the high school.” Unless, of course, he eats us first. I was right. KTL became an instant target for harassment. People called him names, threw golf balls at him, popped his bike tires—they never let up. I think the moral of this story is: if you are part of a group that is often stereotyped (i.e. Jewish mother, WoW geek, meathead bro, Fatty McFat), try not to continuously do things that reinforce them.
Things at Rutgers are starting to get pretty nasty. As weeks pass, I find out more disgusting and repulsive things regarding workers, management, and my friend’s roommate, Kevin, and it makes me sick. I spoke with my shadowy informant, Pearl Diver, over the phone this past weekend and he tells me that he’s been building a story for me. It’s something so controversial that even The Medium itself may need to think twice about publishing it (but we will because we love fucking with Rutgers). Until then, Pearl Diver had another issue to bring up. He told me that recycling at Rutgers is a mandatory requirement by law. However, after a long night of partying for both students and New Brunswick residents, groundskeepers don’t always do what they should to clean up the mess. What does this mean? It means Rutgers doesn’t recycle!!! Some readers are probably saying, “Oh who gives a fuck?” and I’m not surprised because humans are vile creatures. They’re an infestation and wherever people go, they pollute. Rutgers isn’t helping resolve that issue too much. By mix-
ing bottles and aluminum with trash, the university is contributing to the destruction of our planet. For those of you who actually do care about this terrible crime happening right before our eyes, there are numerous things you can do to help! Just like a hand job, it’s not much but it shows you care… 1. Hug a tree. Let him know you understand and know what he’s going through. 2. Give a squirrel a shower. Even rodents should practice good hygiene. 3. Collect your trash. See how many Au Bon Pain cups you can collect by graduation, maybe they’ll be worth money some day! 4. Set up a table outside Brower. Raise awareness for the environment but make sure you have a good DJ first! Until next week, I will continue to work on uncovering the controversies brewing beneath the bureaucratic surface. Stay clean, my fellow Knights.
-The In-Shane-iak Excerpts from “Still I Rise” By Maya Angelou and Nadroj
You may write me down in history With your bitter, twisted lies, You may call me a nasty ass bro But still, my dick will rise. Does my excess size upset you? Why are you beset with gloom? ‘Cause I walk like I’ve got girls waiting for Fucking in my living room.
Jersey Shore’s ‘Snooki’ was recently hired to play a Boohbah in the classic childrens’ TV show. PBS talent agents believed that she would fill out the beach ball-shaped costume nicely and speak the Boohbah dialect with exquisite perfection.
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Medium Word of the Week Brophobic: One who is terrified of bros. Specnorant: One who treats glasses like an unknown disease, demanding to try them on so as to confirm the rumors they’ve heard.
Submit to features@themediumonline.com
Just like moons and like suns, With the certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I’ll rise. You may shoot me with your texts, You may crush me with your thighs, You may kill me with your bitchiness But still, my dick will rise…
THE MEDIUM
OP/ED “Who got Harry Potter Tickets for her birthday...ME!!!!!”
How Far We’ve Come:
A Thesis on the Evolution of Sexual Voyeurism in Males
By: Dan “Oman” Chog Jr. STAFF WRITER
Wednesday, November 17th 2010
shirts. This step forward finally revealed to men the skin beneath the fabric that they had ogled for decades. Instantly, the dam burst. Numerous variations in the ensuing decades resulted in a
What follows is a partial history of women’s fashion in the later part of the 20th century, moving into today. The evolution of the fashion along with the need for women to compete to maintain the best sexual characteristics among their peers resulted in increasingly new places for men to stare Artist’s Rendition of 2012 fashions. awkwardly at. In the 1940’s men proliferation of available were introduced to the cleavage to stare at. Nopush-up bra, an under- table variations included garment that enhanced the halter-top, the spathe perceived size of a ghetti strap, and that stuwoman’s cleavage. This pid thing girls did to their was a big transition psy- shoulders in the 80’s. For a time, breasts chologically for men, who found themselves star- were the thing to stare ing at the lumps beneath at. This changed with the women’s shirts. It was introduction of a classic hard to explain but men piece of music by Sir Mixsimply found an attrac- a-Lot entitled “Baby Got tion to them. It then cre- Back.” This song created ated a time period where a sensation among Amerwomen took efforts to ican males where it was enhance their cleavage so fashionable to stare at a that their’s may be larg- woman’s tush. Fashion er than those they sur- soon introduced jeans rounded themselves with. and pants that were form This period last- fitting and women ate ed for some time until it them up. A woman who became fashionable for had a low cut shirt and women to wear low cut tight fitting jeans reigned
supreme in the world of sexual perception. Another instrumental creation was that of the mini-skirt. For the first time men were allowed the opportunity to see what was “hidden from view” if a woman decided to leave her legs uncrossed. For years, men believed that this was the best it could be. But then it happened. What was once an accessory to the miniskirt, the legging, became an alternative to pants. Combined with a thong, women could theoretically cover their bodies with fabric less than an eight of an inch thick and show the outline of their figure to any passing male. The last major evolution was for women to disregard underwear when wearing leggings. This lead to men being able to view the most sacred of all physical goodies: the camel-toe. What will the next evolution in fashion bring us? Perhaps we will be covering ourselves with paint next?
From the Desk of
Paris Halin
Most people k n o w t h a t Republican C o n gressman Charles Rangel, New York, has been brought up on 13 ethics charges. The real story of Charles Rangel stems from his overtly emotional plea on Monday to have the ethics committee delay his hearing until he could find representation since his lawyer dropped the case (clearly he understood that the democrats are never in the right). As of Monday he was unable to raise the money to hire a new one. This is most likely because all of his money was taken by the taxes the democrats love to create! Anyway, justice prevails as the committee made the right decision
and denied him a stay in his hearing. Just because he has four decades of service in Congress, or because he is 80, doesn’t mean we should forget the truth: He is a democrat and therefore, bad for America. I think the ethics board should have seen his emotional outburst for the weak display it was and brought him up on terrorist charges. Clearly, his weakness sends a message to our enemies that America is vulnerable! As the lame-duck Congress (full of LAME-duck democrats) trudges on, let us be grateful for the long, warm drink of tea that will revitalize America. Oh, and I have a new reality show coming up. It’s called Paris Halin’s Nebraska. It’s a show all about my life! Well that’s all for now! Remember God loves America and no one else!
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This Week’s Winning Picture Submitted By: Katie
Love, Hate, Retaliate Send in your submissions and see your name in print
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ARTS
Wednesday, November 17th, 2010
“Sometimes it’s still wet so you have to put it in a second time.”
COMICS
PLAYLIST I made you a mix... I hope you like it. I worked really hard on the tracklisting. It’s like... one song asks a question, and then the next song answers it. Listen to it and then tell me what you think...
1
What Is The Light? - The Flaming Lips You Are The Light - Jens Lekman
2 Why Can’t I Touch It? - The Buzzcocks Wet Paint - Cale Parks 3 Why Would You Wanna Live? - Wilco I Don’t Wanna Die - The Unicorns 4 Was I In Your Dreams? - Wilco You Make Me Forget My Dreams - Belle & Sebastian
5 What Else Is There? - Royksopp Gimme More - Britney Spears 6 Do You Remember The Riots? - Jens Lekman Violent - The Faint What Difference Does It Make? 7 - The Smiths Fuck It All - Childish Gambino
8 Can You Feel It? - The Apples In Stereo Psychotic Feeling - of Montreal
THE MEDIUM MAKES HAND TURKEYS
THE MEDIUM
PERSONALS “Luigi was clearly gay. He never went for the princess.“
Rules for Life
1. Don’t Look At Yourself In The Mirror And Fall In Love. Good Luck Explaining That To Your Chaplain. 2. Don’t Resort To Violence. It Makes Things Worse. 3. Ask His Or Her Age Before You Whip It Out . . . 4. Send Personals To The Medium Everyday!!!
personals@themediumonline.com
and the brand new www.ilovethepersonals.com MY DING-A-LING
KLA$$Y
Dear left hand time for another lonely night. lol.
To the annoying douchebag guy in Race Relations, stop opening your mouth every 15 seconds, no one likes u.. and that stunt u pulled running across the room to get the professor to acknowledge you was pathetic.
(You’re never alone when you have lotion, hands, and pornography!) Dear roommate, It’s called testosterone. You’ll have to grow some balls first (Yeah, the balls are a pretty important part of that whole thing.) is it true black cock break lil white girls!?!? To Mr. Flinstone upstairs, my roomate and I love hearing you make that bed rock. (Maybe you should go upstairs and let him YabbaDabba-do you too.) Dear bish: I really would like to see you choke on a black cock. (What’s up with you people and black cock today? Can’t complain about the increased interest, but wow.) A wise man once told me that if everyone sucked dick...the world would be a lot quieter ;0 (That’s good advice. Now shut the fuck up and get busy.) To the guy with erectile dysfunction who decided to dump me, it’s ok I don’t like working with limp dicks anyway. I hope you and the imaginary girl who can keep you up have a good life together. Best wishes, The nympho from Jameson fuck you homework, your a waste of my life and a fucking soul sucking social disaster!! go and chomp on someone’s dick you cunt!!! (Homework would be better off sucking dick.)
To the guy who ranted about whether the Nazi party was left- or rightwing so much the professor ended class early, WTF is wrong with you? Don’t disrupt class with your tangentially-relevant arguments, you pretentious dickweed. Couldn’t you see how badly you were stressing out the professor? to the idiots in my Ed Psych class walking in late during my GROUP PRESENTATION.... thanks for walking all the way to the back of the classroom and disrupting the presentation by moving desks out of the way instead of taking the available seats in the front. you have to be kidding me. get some respect and common sense... oh wait that’s too much to ask of the typical Rutgers student. Fuck you. (These personals are so sad. You people need to step it up and make it quality next week.) Dear Rutgers, I’m so glad you made me take Students In Transition Seminar. I love skipping class so I can go to a play about gay people and sex so I don’t end up wasting my money and failing. That class is useless. Way to milk every fucking penny out of me you fucks. FUCK YOU. (Yeah ... That’s probably the dumbest class I’ve ever heard of.)
DORM STORM. To the ducks outside the river dorms, please stop with your loud rampant sex moan quacks. You keep me up with sex sounds all night and than wake me up to a round two of ur duck orgy. To the 8 Indian kids who thought it was a good idea to set fireworks of right in the middle of Busch suites at 1 in the morning the day before my exam, FUCK YOU! I hope those cops arrested you simply for the reason that you’re fucking retarded and really thought you weren’t going to get caught. Oh and I hope you actually have to eat the cockmeat sandwich in prison. To the bitches on the 4th floor in Katzenbach (you know who you are)...it would be greatly appreciated if you would stop running down the fucking hallways at 1 in the mourning & learn how to laugh like a human not a fucking HYENA! ohh and do you four bitches know how to shut a door properly? Everytime you come home its like a war starts of who can close their To my stupid fucking whiny roommate who doesn’t like the window open. I don’t care if you are “getting sick”; I don’t want to smell your smelly smells. Obviously you weren’t too sick to snort those drugs off your desk the other day To my stupid fucking whiny roommate who doesn’t like the window open. I don’t care if you are “getting sick”; I don’t want to smell your smelly smells. Obviously you weren’t too sick to snort those drugs off your desk the other day to my dipshit roommate last year: you are the most fuckin immature son-of-a-bitch in the entire world! amy you rot in hell with the dorm cleaning lady and shove your can of scrubbing bubbles up your anus! get out of rutgers you schmucktARD! to my fuckin roommate. Get a fuckin life and leave the room for a change. I’ve tried to wait for you to leave so i can jackoff, but fuck.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010 SELF REFERENTIAL HUMOR
So it has come to my attention that some of you like to pick on us here at The Medium in your Personals. We usually get over it, and weep about it in the comfort of our own safe environments, but it’s getting a bit out of control. Well here’s right back at you motherfuckers. Enjoy! Dr. K. To whomever vandalized the copies of The Medium at Murray Hall: we will find you. We will get you. We will make you pay. Seriously, the issues technically are $.50 each. That adds up very quickly!
To the Medium: STOP REPEATING PERSONALS! DO SOME FUCKING EDITING! IF I SEE ONE MORE PERSONAL PRINTED TWICE IN THE SAME ISSUE I AM GOING TO TAKE A HOT WET TAKE-OUT NACHO DUMP IN YOUR PRINTER.
(I trust you, that price we display is a lot less than the price per paper. They owe us their soul for vandalizing them.)
To the Medium: STOP REPEATING PERSONALS! DO SOME FUCKING EDITING! IF I SEE ONE MORE PERSONAL PRINTED TWICE IN THE SAME ISSUE I AM GOING TO TAKE A HOT WET TAKE-OUT NACHO DUMP IN YOUR PRINTER.
To the current Personals editor of the Medium: I’ve been reading your shit for two months now and you have yet to make me laugh. The personals aren’t for your stupid little thoughts, advice, or to support any personals: they’re for you to be a complete assole and insult the shit out of everyone. Stop making comments that make you sound like a fat PMS-ing white English major and do your fucking job. (Listen you fucking illiterate bitch. I don’t know what the fuck an assole is but being that and insulting people is not my job, and if you have a fucking problem with that you can drop down to your knees and suck Dr. K’s big black dick and then go gouge your eyes out so you don’t ever have to see my shit again bitch.)
(Fuckin’ deal with it. If you don’t want to see duplicates, send some shit in so we can split the shit down the middle, and then do our pages instead of racing to get the most.) To the Fat, Black, Hippo looking guy on the Medium staff; I can’t believe my money is funding zoo animals to be part of a shitty piece of “literature”. Get a real job and go stop the NJPIRG guys from asking us to vote. Only you can prevent term bill hikes. (Hahaha! Lemme explain something to you bitch. First of all, I look like a bear, not a hippo, so fuck you. Secondly, fuck you. And thirdly, just fuck you. I had better stuff but I was out of space.)
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PERSONALS
Wednesday, November 17th, 2010 “If you end up doing porn, I will have no choice but to come rescue you in my clown car.” CLASSES
WTF MAN?
AWESOME PERSONALS
Dear cock-mongrel who said “I’m going to cheat off of you if the exam gets too hard.”, HOW FUCKING DENSE ARE YOU??? Did you really think you’d get away with that when our prof was covering the room like a goddamn hawk? Plus you’re going to fail anyway you stupid piece of shit. -TMFB To the girl in my class; You’re super hot and I love it when we talk. Your eyes are amazing and your smile lights up the room. Let’s take it up a notch. P.S. You’re sweaters are awesome. To the annoying cunt in my Expos class: When I ask the professor, I don’t fucking want you to give me a response full of incorrect information that starts with “I think” from you! I was asking the professor because she knows, not you. If I wanted you to open your creepy little mouth, I would have asked you to blow me! To my Astronomy professor; I understand that you have Ph.D from Harvard, but the thing is that I DON’T so stop phrasing your questions on the homeworks and exams like you think I’ll fucking know what the fuck you are talking about. To the boy who never stops playing games on his computer in my Music History class; I have fantasies that involve me punching you in the head during class. It amazes me how for teh entire 90 minutes of class you’d much rather play juvenille games instead of expanding your mind and taking a little something most people like to call notes. P.S. Your hair line is receding. To the bitch that sits in the front in every damn Chem lecture; YOU’RE FUCKING ANNOYING. STOP. To the dude in my Insect Bio class, your feet smell. Please put your shoes back on. To the guy in my class; I would love more than anything to sit closer to you, but I have exactly 5 minutes to get to my next class and my stupid injury slows me down :(
To the cute Asian girl I see every week around college ave. You are like a box of sunshine and seeing you makes my day. I would love to go out with you sometime and know you better. Gimme a sign !!! (You’re the man, give HER a sign! Girls love that shit. Seriously, we do.)
Dear girl on the rex b who cut her hair, Thank you for commenting me back and I am sorry your boyfriend sucks, but I am not a guy-- lets meet up sometime tho <3 love, chick who rides rex b also
To the really cute guy in the gray striped hoodie I keep seeing in Neilson: I don’t know if you remember me, but I’m the girl had the guts to tell you I thought you were cute in the beginning of the year. I just wish I had a class with you or something so I actually have an excuse to talk to you without being weird =/. Hopefully I will have the chance to do so in the near future because I’d really like to get to know you =). (He probably just doesn’t notice because most of the time, guys are dumb as shit when it comes to giving them blatant signs...just rent a marching band and tell him. It works.) Dear guy on second floor. You’re a jerk, you’re not cool, and your hat is goofy. Its probably not a good idea to piss me off...I know your license plate number... To the chick who wants to have Deadmau5 babies from last week’s issue; I am the Deadmau5 you saw and we can arrange that. Email me. (I would have put your email address, but my editors would give me shit about it...sorry dude.) Bitchiness runs in my family...along with awesome. Fuck you to all the people who sit in the library watching tv and using up all the computers when I have to print shit out before class. Dear all bad DJs of Rutgers; Learn to have some sort of taste in music. Same goes to everyone who wants to hear Lil Wayne all night. To the ducks outside the River dorms; please stop with all your sex moan quacks. You keep me up with your duck orgy sounds.
To the guy on the F bus who not only helped the girl with crutches onto the bus but then gave her his seat, that was one of the nicest things I’ve ever seen. You make Rutgers look good man. To the skank bitch who wrote sexist on the mediums at murray hall, suck a dick and kill yourself. To the dykes who vandalized all of the mediums in Murray hall because of the MRS article: the article itself wasn’t so funny, but the fact that you take the Medium seriously enough to write “sexist” on every single copy in the stack was hysterical. Troll’d. (I think they where just pissed because their dildo ran out of batteries...) To the RA in Nicholas; You are a fucking mean person. You are so rude. “I see all that attitude you have with people and not caring what comes out of your mouth, and why do you always make fun of my boyfriend? I hope you know that this is a joke YOU GODDAMNED BASTARD! I just wanted to write one about you to see what would happen. No one cares about your stupid fucking red corvette so shut the fuck up you dick docker. p.s. that scratch on your dumb car. That was me. To my roommate who thinks that he is so awesome because his personal got posted in the Medium and mine “didn’t” because his was “better”you are a punk ass bitch that likes to smell the feces of grizzly bears in Alaska while looking at Russia from Sarah Palin’s house. Haha now mine got in the Medium bitch 10 pts for me. p.s. your mom swallows (Major pwnage.) Why are you so shy? You know I like ya! To the NJPIRG fools: Yes, I voted. Fuck! I hate fucking iPads...
THE MEDIUM
From the sticky, filthy mind of Spicy Caramel
I know it might be hard for you for some of you whiny ass basatrds to believe, but there are actually a few people that I depise. I’m serious. You have to be a real asshole for me to hate you. I mean, maybe I am just wired to be a fucking ball of sunshine all of the time, but there are a few people, no matter where I am, who I just really fucking cannot stand. Here is a list; 1. The Attention Whore: You know them. Everyone fucking knows them because that is what motivates them to get themselves up in the morning. They come in a lot of forms from the girl in class who dyes her hair every fucking color of the rainbow each week, dresses like a shiny hooker WHEN ITS 32 FUCKING DEGREES OUTSIDE and annoys the shit out of you with her voice, or they can just be that dude who you are pretty sure is gay because EVERYTHING is a dramatic fucking spectacle when you are pretty sure the most dramatic thing that has ever happened to them is that one time their mom walked in on them masturbating to a picture of Edward Cullen to the soundtrack of Rent. Oh, and I have no idea what the pansy ass actor who plays Edward Cullen’s name is because I’m too busy being an actual adult, so fuck you. 2. Loud Assholes: Most of them are guys because most guys are assholes in general which is fine, but when they are girls holyfuck look out! Luckily, loud assholes mostly reside in dorms, so you’re safe if you have the fucking brains to get your ass off campus. You’re desperately trying to study or sleep and they run down the hall like a fat ass elephant on speed and scream stupid shit that makes you want to fling your door open that way you can make their psoriasis ridden face even more ugly than it already is. They will not actually have the balls to come up to you and confront you because they know you will beat the shit out of them. 3. The “In Love” Couple: You have no idea how long that they have been dating, but when you see them making stupid faces at eachother and calling eachother the most retarded pet names you have ever heard, they make you want to punch a kid with Downs Syndrome. That’s right, I made fun of a someone with Downs Syndrome. See if I fucking care, because I don’t. 4. Male Clingers: Way worse than their female couterparts, trust me. They have about 3 friends and send you drunken texts about their “feelings” at 2 in the morning and how no one understands them. You try and be nice and BAM! they’re stuck to you like a fucking parasite. You have 75 text messages in 3 DAYS from them and they go from being friendly to turning into a emo fest about how hard it is to be them. You try to help, but nothing fucking works. The only way you can get rid of them is to well, be a volatile bitch and hope it works. It usually doesn’t. 5. The Douche Who Knows EVERYTHING: You have no idea how this pompous asshole aquired so much knowledge, but they make sure to tell you just how great they are every fucking chance they open their mouth to speak, thus making you feel like a complete asshole, which is probably why no one even talks to them in the first place. Most of all? Why they’re alone and don’t have any real friends. Its kind of sad, because they could be pretty awesome if they just toned it down a bit, but alas, they just don’t know how. So yeah. that’s it. Oh, and if you want to see you personal here, then use your fucking brain and email them. No, I’m not posting the email address because if you do not know it by now, you’re too goddamn stupid to live.
WHAT’S SHAKIN’
Wednesday, November 17th, 2010
“Fuck! I still have to take math!”
Area Under Construction
I heard an interesting piece of news last week. Apparently last year’s lovely What’s Shakin’ editor had a problem with how things were being run. He didn’t appreciate that he paid for the monkey on this page to be drawn but someone else (me!) was still printing it. I only learned of this after printing the 10th issue of the semester. I did not take the news well. My neighbors are probably convinced a drunken, abusive husband lives next door after hearing my outburst. My first instinct was to say, “Fuck this guy! He doesn’t even go here, he can’t tell me what to do!” But for some reason I took the high road and am in the process of getting a new monkey drawn for the page. Before he leaves, I decided to give this monkey a proper retirement on his last page. Was it petty to print the monkey I was losing 21 times as revenge? Probably. Am I concerned? Not even a little.