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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume xl Issue XI
November 18th, 2009
PUCK THA FOLICE
RUPD OFFICER KILLS PEDESTRIAN WHILE SENDING EMERGENCY TEXT MESSAGE BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
COLLEGE AVENUE—Demonstrating the need for such an emergency system, RUPD officer Cpl. Grant Perry ran over a pedestrian on Monday after sending out an emergency text message to Rutgers students, warning them of the dangerously high levels of pedestrianism. The emergency text message system was instituted by administrators to easily spread information to the student body. The body was identified as Andriana Peck, an SAS sophomore. After leaving tire tracks over Peck’s limp, lifeless body, Cpl. Perry finished composing the text message, apparently unaware of the tragedy. After the text was sent, Cpl. Perry’s car was hit by another vehicle driving in the opposite direction. The driver was another SAS sophomore, Vince O’Donnell. He had temporarily lost control after taking her eyes off the road to the read the text message that Cpl. Perry had just sent.
OBJÉT D’FART
50¢ NEWS QUICKIES
Study: Obesity prevents transmission of STD’s
Top scientists at Harvard University have released a study claiming that being extremely fat may not cause some medical problems. Morbid Obesity has positive correlations to other ailments including Heart Disease, Cancer, Multiple Sclerosis, The Bubonic Plague, Diabetes, Erectile Dysfunction, Bipolar Disorder and even Swine Flu. However, researchers were surprised to find that high incidence of Sexually W MSG Transmitted Diseases is negatively corCOMPOSE NE S TO: RUTGER related with obesity rates. of ounts iExtreme irsam str ty pedeup blood-th en “Due to either physical imposon g ans descAve.dinSt ay inCollege utter the winsibility or a lack of willing partners, side. Sh ck the doors. dows. Lonothing we can ‘fat fucks’ have no trouble avoiding the ’s There wait this one do but s ou rge go hly STDs that routinely plague our nation’s dis outlan genitals,” says lead researcher Erin Larlee. “Since STDs are so prevalent DON’T HIT ME, BRO! Black box footage shows Peck moments before death at inferior state schools like Rutgers, we advise all students attending these “I saw the whole thing happen,” amounts of blood-thirsty pedestrians schools to get as fat as possible, and remarked Kathleen Schneider, a resi- descending upon College Ave. Stay quick.” dent of Brett Hall. “It was kind of fun- inside. Shutter the windows. Lock the ny, actually. I’m pretty sure those two doors. There’s nothing we can do but Crime Watch: Dead Baby dated each other at one point.” wait this one out.” Killings on the Rise Added Schneider, “I got the text If you have any information conAuthorities are reporting a severe, too, though. I was so excited! Nobody cerning the nature of the accident, ever texts me!” The Medium urges you to submit it to unprecedented increase in local dead baby killings. No suspects have been The text message reads, “Extreme news@themedium.net. apprehended, and the perpetrator(s) is(are) still at large. If you own a dead baby, the RUPD has initiated a protective custody program for its safety. The RUPD commissioned abstract sculptor Ai “mind-numbing hideousness.” urges you to submit your dead babies The proposed blueprint, which is to the police department for protection Bang Yu to create a marble depiction of the RU Screw. According to Cal- available online for public viewing, and a complimentary appraisal, should cado, the affectionate moniker for ill- features two Romanesque figures in you wish to auction it off in the future. convenienced administrative errors is the midst of epic sexual acts that, deembedded within the university’s iden- pending on one’s interpretation, may SPORTS tity and should be honored as such. be either coitus or autoeroticism. The Schiano to Recruit BetLivingston was chosen as the sex sculpture is also laden with sexual sculpture’s home on accounts of its innuendos, which according to the art- ter Looking Girlfriends ist are designed to make implicit what for Football Team is extraordinarily explicit, or as Bang BY DEAN GREASY WEINER Yu put it, “fucking right in front of CONTRIBUTING WRITER your fucking face.” Student reactions are generally PISCATAWAY—The Rutgers footones of surprise. “Holy crap,” said ball team may soon have much more freshman Mike Hoffman. “That’s a attractive sign-on bonuses. President Richard McCormick recently anfucking sculpture.” The $2 million piece has cre- nounced the new “Mabel Smith Douated much controversy and derision. A glass Scholarship” in an effort to to small population of dissenters consid- recruit more biddies for the football ers the idea poorly planned, and feel team. According to head coach Greg that an anal penetration would much Schiano, the current girlfriends of the more effectively convey the feeling of football team are in great need of upthe RU Screw. Calcado said that if the University dating. Bringing in women of higher can accrue enough private donations, it quality, he reasons, will improve his will be able to provide funding to make players’ performance both on and off the field. the sculpture animatronic.
U. IMMORTALIZES RU SCREW WITH SCULPTURE BY EC BLOOD N’ GUTS NEWS EDITOR
LIVINGSTON—What has for years been a conceptual institution at Rutgers will now be real, tangible, and twenty feet high. Tony Calcado, head of the Livingston Beautification Project, announced that the school has
WHAT BANGIN’ ART!
Artist’s rendition of the piece on a future Livingston
A Good Source of Dietary Fiber ESTABLISHED 1970
continued, “GIRLFRIENDS” page 2
THE MEDIUM
NEWS
“Some special cases of overlap of worlds face no problem of accidental intrinsics”
NEWS POOPERS
CNN Buys Twitter Redefines Meaning of “News Feed” BY KERNEL SANDERZ STAFF WRITER
ATLANTA—The big news out of Atlanta yesterday was the announcement that CNN had acquired Twitter in a deal that would pay Twitter founders Jack Dorsey and Biz Stone one dollar per tweet, making them the richest nerds since Bill Gates. One Tweeter, Organophreak29, tweeted from the confines of his mother’s basement, “I always dreamt that one day people could make money spreading fake news while also destroying their social lives.” Part of the deal included replacing Anderson Cooper’s usual “360” analysts with 12 year old girls twatting to the public about important things like Kanye West’s jackassery, how hot Taylor Swift is,or why the hell anyone follows Ashton Kutcher. CNN watchers expressed great joy about the deal. “My kids only get their news from random idiots like Colbert or Stewart anyway. Now we can have more interesting idiots supplying information in real time,” said one insane mother. So far, a test run of unbiased, idiotic and uneducated Tweeter users sending news to CNN headquarters has been successful, from congressmen twexting from the House floor instead of paying attention during Obama’s Joint Session speech, to UN reporters at the General Assembly, with Tweets such as: “Yo these Israeli/ Palestine people need to chillax,” “If Medvedev made a vodka, I’d buy it,” “Ahme-dick-inajar is a poopy-faced bonehead,” and “There are so many hot foreign chicks here, jackpot!” CNN will also devote 2 hours each day to TwittledeeTwittledumb replacing the Newsroom’s slot, though anchors will remain to read the twizzles aloud. “It’s great because after losing all my journalistic integrity reading tweets on air about the Iran Election, but I still have a job!” said one correspondent. Larry King will be replaced completely, as he quit upon completion of the deal, yelling, “You damn kids and your conflabbit intertubes!” Some are decrying new trend, comparing the Congressmen who tweeted during Obama’s speech to high schoolers who text instead of pay attention in class. Upon hearing this, Rep. Joe Wilson tweeted “YOU LIE!”
Editorial Staff Fall 2009
F
Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
BUILDING MATERIALS
NIELSON DINING HALL DISHES OUT EXPIRED FOOD FOR DOUGLASS COLLEGE “GO GREEN” WEEK BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
DOUGLASS—Mmm, tastes like environmental activism! In keeping with Douglass College’s “Go Green” campaign, Nielson Dining Hall is trashing its trash cans and serving up nature. Students dining at Nielson will have the opportunity to get orally intimate with natural fungi and possibly go green themselves. It is a move that is being described by students as “ecological,” “ergonomical,” and “fucking disgusting.” Neilson’s efforts are expected to save the University thousands of dollars in waste removal fees and will allow the dining hall to reuse food that under any other circumstances would be thrown away. There are limits to the initiative, however, as it has been discovered that after a certain point the expired food begins to turn black. The “Go Black” campaign on Douglass (as proposed by the Douglass Governing Council) is not scheduled until February and this food will be stored in the campus nuclear repository until then.
EAT YOUR GREENS!
Students at Neilson are delighted to find their food tastes like garbage
Campus Public Health staff do not believe the ingestion of moldy food is a pressing health issue because it does not necessitate the handing out of condoms. Some students speculate that the recent uptick in parasitic stomach-wall bursts could somehow be related to their food.
Overall, the response from University administration has been favorable. “There is a growing realization of the need for green products on campus,” said Dining Services rep. Seth George. “Thanks to Nielson’s efforts, that green is growing on your food.”
UNIVERSITY
U. UNVEILS SMILEY FACE GRADING SYSTEM BY SUM DUM JOO STAFF WRITER
COLLEGE AVENUE—Here’s something to smile about. The Department of Academic Affairs at Rutgers University will be eliminating the traditional letter grading system in favor of a new “Visual Achievement Approximation.” The system will consist of a series of faces that range in scale from “Super Happy,” to a face that looks constipated and has bad heartburn at the same time. “We believe that this system will let the grades really hit home for the students,” says Eddie Souaid, Vice Dean for Academic Affairs. “Those guys over in the Psych department keep bitching about how ‘meaningful symbols’ will
SAY CHEESE!
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Colin Fong John Bender Ryan Buttacavoli Paul Winters
keep kids emotionally attached to their school work, and ‘blah blah, give me a fuckin’ research grant.’” The intended effect would not be lost on the students. “I would feel bad for myself if I got a sad face as a grade for a class. It would be like my transcript is ashamed of me,” says Parker Christiano, SAS junior. The new “VAA” would also reap unintended benefits. SAS freshman Pat Van Re had this to say: “I’m in basic composition, so I can’t really read my transcript. I also can’t calculate my GPA easily because I’m in Basic Computation. This new system will really let me realize that I am a retard who should not be at a public Ivy a lot quicker.”
Your transcript might look like this next semester News Editors Abe Stanway Kaitie Davis Features Editor Keith Lawrence Opinions Editor Reven MacQueen Arts Editor Katie Russian Personals Editor Dave Imbriaco
“GIRLFRIENDS,” continued from front Recipients of the scholarship will receive free tuition and housing provided they can produce visual evidence that they have hooked up with at least four football players per weekend. Feminists everywhere are praising the university for instituting a scholarship specifically for women. Representatives from the Institute of Women’s Leadership have released a statement lauding McCormick’s efforts to crack fissures in the glass ceiling. Not everyone stands to benefit, though. Some of Rutgers’ more experienced broads have been rallying to defend their positions as football mattresses. Says senior whore Heidi Chen: “This new scholarship is completely unfair! I’ve been fucking football players since Ray Rice was a freshman and now I’ll have to compete with younger, tighter, Rutgers-endorsed skanks!” Added Chen, “What am I supposed to do now, finish my communications degree?” President Obama has given his full support to the project as it encourages many MILFs to return to school and earn more useless degrees. Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Staff Photographer Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Carmella Luczak Mike Vuono Erinn Koerner Tim Swanson Barbara Reed Ass-burger
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its authors. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Genuine Modal Realism with Counterparts and not Overlap. What you know?
Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
THE MEDIUM
FEATURES “Happy Thanksgiving and to all a good night”
Green Eggs and Ham
M. Night Shyamalamadingdong
WHERE’s WALDO? CAN YOU FIND HIM?
...AS TOLD BY... My movie starts out in Philadelphia with our two main characters. One is named Sam (played by Samuel L. Jackson) and a second named Bruce (played by Bruce Willis). Sam and Bruce are neighbors and Bruce’s wife and children are leaving him after an unhappy marriage. Sam is filled with energy and enthusiasm, but has a secret. Bruce is grumpy, irritable and doesn’t trust Sam. The plot revolves around Sam’s efforts to get his friend to try “green eggs and ham”. The friend refuses to taste the dish, and only wants to be left in peace. Sam begins stalking him. Sam goes through a plethora of locations (house, car, tree) and dining partners (fox, goat, mouse) trying to persuade his friend to eat, but without success. The police cannot help the situation, and no one will believe the Bruce about Sam’s intentions. It’s as if he never existed. The triumphant conclusion of Seuss’s tale occurs when Bruce Willis, standing in shallow water after a train crash, surrounded by various people and beasts, finally succumbs and agrees to try the delicacy pronouncing it quite tasty. When Bruce Willis tastes the green eggs and ham, Sam reveals that he is eating his family and just wanted to fuck with Bruce. What a twist!
CAUGHT IN THE ACT:
Sesame Street Bert and Ernie decide to explore new territory in their “relationship” - so they call over their friend Animal.
Snuffaluffagus reveals to Big Bird that he and Big Bird are the same person and that Big Bird has a split personality.
Bro-etry by Nadroj (With help from some fairy named Shakespeare) To bone, or not to bone? That is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to stick My dick inside some horny bitch, Or to take booze against a sea of biddies And by beer pong, end them. To bone: To fuck once more and by a fuck to say we end The blue balls and the thousand stuck-up skanks Who said no. Tis a sloppy blowjob Devoutely to be wished….
COMING SOON... You shouldn’t be afraid of 2012, Zombies or The Machines.
You should be afraid of...
During Oscar the Grouch’s intervention for his heroin addiction, Elmo and Grover broke into song several times... nothing was accomplished.
THE MEDIUM
OP/ED “Star Wars fans never die; they just multiply”
Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
I’m Bringing Sexy Back... Kind Of A LETTER Extra Extra Special K! So if you’re on the inside scoop of gossip on the Cook/Douglass front, you’ve probably heard this…. if not; brace yourself for one of the most ridiculous protests you have EVER heard. Because my two favorite pairs of jeans were stolen out of the Katzenbach laundry room, I refuse to wear pants until I get my new jeans in the mail. No, this does not mean I’m walking around in my underwear (even though I’m sure the men of Rutgers would enjoy that). It means I’m wearing anything that will cover my ass that is not pants. Coming from the
land of the ice and snow, from the midnight sun where the hot springs blow (Massachusetts), I can be somewhat tolerable to this weather for the time being, however at some point I will freeze to death. Therefore, I need my f’ing jeans back whoever has them because 1. stealing people’s jeans is creepy, wtf were you thinking, 2. If I see you with them on I will tackle you and then YOU will be without pants, and 3. my pants will eat you… no, I’m serious, they will. And if that doesn’t convince you, let me tell you about the bond I share with those jeans. To some people, pants are pants, but to me, they meant so much
more. They were a part of me. They fell with me when I tripped over sticks, and even when I tripped over life. And now, they’re being hanged, can you believe it, HANGED in someone’s closet. How terrible! For all the good they did this is not what they deserved. They always made my ass look good, and now, they’re probably on someone else’s ass who looks a lot less fortunate than mine. And you can check that out if you don’t believe me. Just kidding. But the moral of the story kids, is don’t steal pants. It’s an awful thing to do. And you can’t have Christmas without a Christmas tree…or a drunken uncle.
From the Desk of the EIC Today, there will be a “Media Forum” in the Graduate Lounge of the Rutgers Student Center. It will allow everyone that has a problem with us to air his/her retarded voice. However, you
guys are also being given the opporotunity to make air your greiveances with the other pieces of used toilet paper that masquerade as publications at our great school.
If anyone ever questions the quality of our rag, just remember; one of the guys that created Venture Bros got his start right here, at the Medium. That Targum doesn’t have shit on that.
Know Your Exits Dear Zayin: I’m getting better at talking to girls, but every conversation ends up super-awkward! What can I do? -Awkward Palm Tree Dear Awkward Palm Tree, Let’s imagine a scene, shall we? You’ve bitten the bullet and went over to hit on little miss bombshell. She’s responsive enough, and the conversation flows smoothly for about a minute. All of a sudden, bam! It happens. You can’t think of anything to say to her. She tilts her head, stares at you awkwardly, and turns away. Sound familiar? You need to know when to exit. Be aware of your surroundings – if you’re both in line for a Brower meal, plan the convo accordingly. Don’t let it taper off! Finish strong, give her a smile and an “I’ll see you around,” and leave without looking back. You need to leave her wanting more. The better you exit, the more likely it is she’ll want to talk to you the next time you meet, whether it’s in five minutes or five days. Go live and be well! If you have a question for Zayin , submit it to opinions@themedium.net
Rutgers Fanaticism at An All-Time Low
R. L. Stein Well, well, well, the students at Rutgers University have failed yet again. Yes, South Florida was crushed easily by the Knights, but the fans have shown their bellies’ true color: yellow. Yet again, the student section failed to sell out. Sure, I’m gonna hear the people make their excuses. “But I had class!” “It was too cold and windy!” “I could be out drinking and scoring at that same time!” Blah blah blah. You guys are pathetic. You guys lack the super fandom that I, R.L. Stein, have. Why did you come to Rutgers?
Academics? Locality? Cost concerns? No, you came here for football! And you are completely forgetting about it! Even worse, most of the student crowd, instead of watching the team finish crushing the Bulls and put in the second string in the 4th, decided to leave early to beat traffic. What. The. Fuck. How can you consider yourselves to be true fans? By abandoning the team, you are abandoning everything you stand for. There is only one thing that can now be done. We must make student football game attendance mandatory. If I were in charge of the University, you would be forced to attend three games each year or you would be expelled. Put holds on signing up for classes until you get tickets for the Syracuse
game. Hold mandatory pep rallies, canceling all classes to force everyone to attend. Have mandatory work camps to improve the cheers of underwhelming fanatics. And execute all repeat offenders. I seriously don’t get why people are so down on a constantly underperforming team that always seems to choke in the big game. There is no good excuse for this and I want to see changes preventing these fair weathered fans. I feel that I would have the final solution to this problem if I were allowed to make the decisions.
R.L. Stein is not a certain Sports Editor for a certain daily publication in the New Brunswick-Piscataway-Highland Park Metropolitan Area. Seriously, why would you get that idea?
Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
ARTS
“I can’t really explain it...I’m so IIIINNNNTTOOOO YYOUUUUUU”
THE MEDIUM
Think this is wrong? Well it’s time to take action, motherfuckers.
StopClownPornNow.org
The Evils of Clown Porn depicted by Russian Mail Order Bride, Arts Editor
Poem Submission by Be-Ill Pizzle, aspiring rapper “Kneel, Stand, Kneel, Stand, Now Bend Over Bitches!” Don't curse Don't smoke Don't drink Don't fuck But boys under 12 are encouraged to suck? Don't smile Don't laugh Don't run a muck This god dude ain't playin, so DON'T PUSH YOUR LUCK Do worship Do help Do give Do pray Do all of that shit, just DO NOT be gay I'm a calm mellow chill easy going type person but religion comes up and it starts me a cursin All the wars that it's caused, all the blood that it's shed, It points out others flaws with the hate that it's spread, Ignorant thumpers they make me see red, All day eryday I stay fucked in the head, I live by the words my boy nietzche said, Religion? Fuck that shit, shits bin had bin dead
Got submissions? Send ‘em to arts@themedium.net
THE MEDIUM To the sorositutes on the F bus last week around 4:00 with the fake Ugg boots; I think that phelgm that I have been coughing out for the past 2 weeks has a higher IQ than all of you combined. To blondi: Take me home, baby. No, I haven’t forgotten about you. No, I haven’t stopped loving you. Stop by room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center this Monday at 9 for a VIP tour of our production studio. I’ll give you a tour of my bed after. Kisses, Aba Sababa To Amanda in Henderson; Please share your iTunes again. You songs are awesome. I’m very sad now. To S.P. (sophmore), you’re a fucking caniving bitch. Some of the many things you lack are personality, looks, manners and compassion for others. You’re parents obviously can’t raise children, look at the job they did with you, now thats an EPIC FAIL!! P.S. makeup is supposed to help people look better but shit, I guess nothing’s gonna help you.
PERSONALS “Is that a safety pin? Fuck you.” To the amazingly beautiful man on the L this past Friday afternoon; Why are you so wonderful? You fill my soul with such great happiness I can hardly contain it! I wish I could reach out to you and caress your lovely face! How old are you?! You look older, but young! So sexy! Do you even go to this school? Are you a professor or something? Will you grace me with your presence on the edge of the world (Livingston) again? You made my dreary afternoon shine bright like the Caribbean sun! Thank you so much <3 (I think you should contain yourself. You sound really fucking creepy as hell.)
To the drunk bitches on the EE this past Saturday night...your hair pulling fight was fucking pathetic and thanks for holding the bus up for 20 minutes. Your earrings deserved to be ripped out and I hope your fine was as hefty as you two! Try to find yourselves some nutrition majors to date you both severely need it, especially the blonde chick, your camel toe eats dental dams. (That just sounds awesome.) Eating at Tillett is like a party where everyone has (or gets) AIDS and diarrhea and the host should be skinned, tarred, feathered, flogged, and exiled from life.
To that sleeping guy in takeout line...take me. NOW! To the dumb twat in my Italian class who wouldn’t repeat the teacher’s phrase when he asked her, and said in her squeaky mouse voice, “Do I have to say it by mysellfff?” Yes. You fucking do. It’s a language class, and everyone else talks. Your not being cute, just annoying. Everyone was laughing at you. Congrats on your probable F in this easy A class. Dear guy in the X-Mas hat in Neilson Sunday night; You’re really cute. Stop being a nerd and take off the hat. To the people fucking up the top of the “U” at the football game, holy shit are you that fucking dumb?! White tape on the seat=white shirt must be worn, it was made rather clear you fucking morons. (Most likely completely drunk off their asses...like everyone else at the game.)
To the guy who was smoking by the ARC bus stop on 11/12 at 1:24. It was bad enough that it was raining and we all had to be congested next to each other, but really? What the fuck? Couldn’t you have waited until you were somewhere less crowded? Thanks a lot el douche. Also, I love how all the suspects of Wednesday’s burglary were Black Males...wtf! Either that’s racist, or the stereotype is being proven true. To the retard who was singing in the shower; you sound like a cat being raped by Big ol’ Bubba. I hope you drown. To Cahill, how did you let this city get so FUCKED?
To The Medium, This newspaper has caused me to lose faith in the goodness of humankind. It is full of vile, inappropriate, and dirty articles that would make any grandmother keel over from heart failure. This publication is to newsprint what 4chan.org and ytmnd. com are to the internet: The place where all good things go to die and be twisted into evil nefarious shadows of their former selves. However, it is still the most fucking hilarious thing I have ever read. Keep up the good work. (That’s what keeps us all going! We’re happy as long as we’re offending somebody or making them cry. Thanks!)
Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
To the obnoxious shitheads who insist on SCREAMING in the middle of my quad at 4am; Would you please, kindly SHUT THE FUCK UP! Don’t you think someone might want to SLEEP at night?? I even screamed “SHUT THE FUCK UP,” out my window at 3:30 one night but it had absolutely no effect on the mindless drivel you assholes call a conversation. In case you need me to translate, I want you to shut that thing below your nose and above your chin. And if you needed a mirror just to see what’s there, I suggest sticking a gun in there and playing a solo game of Russian Roulette while you’re at it. Bastards! (Wow. The people who live in the Quads this semester sound like assholes.) To the stupid Asian bitch with the ugly little white dog. Next time that rat steps on me and wraps its leash around my boot, I will step on that little shit then kick you in the head for not knowing how to control an animal. Btw, I much appreciated your ugly little smile as you tried to flaunt yourself while passing me. Sorry but just like your dog, you’re ugly. Get a clue: lose the dog & get something done to your face. To Weed, I love you. Thank you for making everything better. To that short gay guy who lives in McCormick with the blue eyes, who’s name may or may not start with an R and end in a J: I know your secret, you have a certain STD hahahah!!! Do you tell all the ugly boys you fuck that you have it?? Do you wrap it up before they pucker up? Don’t be spreading that shit around, Slutgers is bad enough as it is with all these tramps and fags running the place. Just tried killing a fly with this paper thin excuse of a “newspaper”. FAILUUUURE!!! Add more content!! The awesomeness of the medium and the fly killing power of STAR LEDGER!!!! (FAIL. Just fail.)
To the girl sitting down on the REXB, what the fuck are you looking at? You were starting at my crotch for some reason. I know I am standing in front of you, sort of, but there are a million other places you could look. Why not suck my dick while you are already down there? Daily Tarcrap Inside Beat, What the fuck? I was reading your issue on thursday and I have to say Just Give Up. I mean honestly, it was shit and I figure you’ll see this sooner than me writing into the targum. But anyway, If you are going to write about sesame streets 40th birthday make sure its stuff I ACTUALLY DONT FUCKING KNOW not some shit you got off another article from google news or wherever the fuck you found it. To the nasty bitch in Alexander library; I died on the inside when I saw what you fucking left in the fucking toilet. Seriously. Shit and a half red half brown tampon. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU DID YOU SHIT OUT OF YOUR FUCKING VAGINA?! Gross ass bitch can’t flush. WTF. I died and threw up in the next stall. FU. To all the bunch of jabbering spooks who loiter by Giovanelli’s at night; Your a bunch of hopeless n_____. If u want to make money, get a fucking job. Stop beating up white kids and dumb ass Indian kids who try to break up your pointless fights. When I walk by you fucks, I think to myself, (while death gripping my wallet) these n_____ are gonna fucking rob me tonight, fuck.
(I don’t know why this is here either. Leave me the fuck alone.) Bitch on bitches! personals@themedium.net.... Love ya!
9002 ht81 rebmevoN ,yadsendeW To the guy who caught his roommate jacking off to his computer, at least he was doing it Captain Morgan style; it adds some class. Have fun sorting that one out guido. To the driver of the car that decided to pull over to the curb right where I was about to cross the street: You almost ran over my foot, but that’s not why I’m mad. You did this action around 1:00pm on a saturday. I was hungover and cranky and all I wanted was to cross the street and get some wendys. Fucking cunt. Thank you to the maintenance staff for finally cleaning up the dead bird on the back stairs of hickman 138 that has been laying there dead since the second week of school...it was disgusting (They left it there just to spite you.) The biggest douche at Rutgers probably goes to the fag A.G. He walks around as if he is some sort of God when he really is just a white scumbag carrying around a mix of known and unknown STDS. To all the “democrats” (I put this in quotes because none of you know enough about politics to label yourselves anything) FUCK YOU. Suck dick you obama/minority loving faggots. Finally tax breaks for the people that pay for the poor, lazy fucking leeches on welfare. They should Get off their lazy fucking asses and stop collecting unemployment and get a job instead of relying on affirmative action and some liberal fucking politicians to give them aid. (I look forward to the day when you can’t get a job and have to go on welfare, just like the rest of those “fucking leeches”, you worthless teabagging pig.) To my indian roommate, stop with the fucking curry and clean up your mess. Like you didn’t make it smell bad enough with your foreignness but you had to puke on my stuff and let it ferment in your fucking closet rather than clean it. Stop eating the RA’s clit just cause she knows your mommy, cow fucker. jordyn is a stingy chode suckin dumb bitch.
PERSONALS
“M-M-M-MONSTER KILL...KILL...KILL...KILL...”
To the dumb fat nappy headed bitch in our world lit class. Nobody gives a fuck about anything you say. You either repeat something someone else said or make dumb ass comments that a 3 year old illiterate kid from Africa could make. How about you stop fucking walking in late to every single class, no one wants to see your fat ass hurrying in and sitting right up front hoping To the birthday kid that got blackout drunk and couldn’t stand on sat night. GOOD party but stop fucking in the closet! (Fucking in the CLOSET? What the fuck are we, in 7th grade or something?) To the four-eyed fuck who was up my ass on the Nielson take-out line: calm the fuck down, you’ll get your precious baked potato. PS I took my sweet ass time with the sour cream on purpose. I hope your chili-cheese potato gave you the runs, fucker. I really wish there was strawberry milk at the dining halls, or at least some strawberry syrup. When I’m menstruating I really REALLY want strawberry milk. :) To -3, and Captain HookNose: The two of you seriously are the 2 ugliest and most annoying girls I have ever met, and you would turn out to be friends. If I got with either one of you, I would hope I was blackout drunk so I would never have any reccolection of this. -3, your nickname is perfectly fitting on the girl rating scale, and Captain Hook-Nose, your not too far ahead. Please for the love of god, cuz we know how much you love your god, stop showing your faces to the general public, or at least hang out with somebody who is attractive so I dont vomit in my mouth when your around. (Funny how they so love their god that saw it fit to make them hideously ugly. Religious people are fucking retarded.) to the dude that lives in the newell next door, i think you’re cute. let’s smoke a bowl, drink a few beers, and do shit that we’ll feel awkward about in the morning.
To the desperate, social climbing asian who just moved into Mettler. Stop bragging about how you've already fucked every girl on the floor, how easy it was, and how you even got that chick to cheat on her boyfriend. Shut the fuck up, nobody cares. Stop telling everyone who will listen that you know every dude in skull and 96 central you name-dropping, napoleonic complex little shit. You're annoying, we can all see how you're trying to overcompensate for being a short asian prick. No matter how hard you hit the gym, it's not going to change the fact that you are a sad short little fuck who tries too hard to prove himself. To the HOT, yet very idiotic woman who left her phone on the F bus: Maybe you shouldn’t take naked pictures of yourself on your phone and then lose said phone. Not that I mind! I’m just saying between the five bucks you gave me for returning your phone and the SMUT pictures I found, let’s just say I had a pretty sick day! THANKS!!! To all girls who only give handjobs You suck! Pun intended! Blowjobs are better, and sex is even better. We are at Slutgers, how bout acting like it? (Seconded!) to the fucking cunt who keeps complaining about her fat cottage cheese house mate and all that bull shit. here is a novel idea for you. WHY DON’T YOU JUST FUCKING TELL HER!? i’m tired of reading about how the fat ogre owes you twenty bucks every week. she fucking lives w/ you and you know her name! just tell her and save the rest of us from having to read the same thing every fucking week. (Ah, just like I’m fucking tired of having to fix your 100 spelling mistakes to make this marginally coherent, you stupid skank.) To the four bible thumpers in the CCC on Monday night WTF! You should take your fictional stories and tell it to someone who gives a shit and no Jesus will not be coming any time soon.
THE HEAVY
FROM THE DESK OF SATANIC YODA...
So just like the rest of the world, last week after putting this lovely page together for your collective enjoyment, my roommate and I picked up Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. If you don’t like this game, please do the world a favor and hang yourself, and being a girl is NO excuse for not liking it either (my friend Claire helps me pick off other snipers). You know absolutely NOTHING about a good time. And to those of you who are playing it on X Box 360, YOU ALL FAIL!!!!! Have fun paying $50 a year to Microsoft when you could’ve gotten a vastly superior Playstation 3 (which has HDMI capability, unlike its fugly counterpart) and we play online for free, suckaz! Oh, and I also noticed thet Alpha Kappa Lamda was at the Rutgers Student Center on Monday morning trying to raise money for sexual assault victims. I wonder which of their brothers has this as part of his probation.... Personals@TheMedium.net is still the place to submit your shit. Our meeting this week is at 9:00 PM Wednesday night at the Rutgers Student Center Atrium in the conference room. Come for head from the Op/Eds person! ~Satanic Yoda To the fucking faggot who To the gay ass cocksucker in wears a ginny tee in Into To the graduate student lounge Matlab lecture. You wear attempting to play the piano. that fucking ginny tee ev- YOU CAN’T FUCKING ery fuckin day. You’re not PLAY!!! Stop bothering the jacked and no one wants universe thinking you’re to see your acne covered mozart or some shit. I hope shoulders. Its fucking 35 de- your fingers get decapitated grees out, stop trying to be while fingering your gay such a hard ass. PS-shave lover! Quit being a wannabe those pubes off your face fashionista and burn your enwhile you’re at it. tire fucking homo wardrobe! To the cum guzzling faggot FUCK YOU FAGGOT! in Marine Dynamics..we (The same problem exists at all hate you. Never speak the DCC. Next time I’m taking an axe to the piano and again. whoever the asshole is that’s To the nasty twat RA on the playing it.) third floor. yea you. FUCK To the kid who called me YOU. I see you everyday out last issue for hitting on and it just makes me want to a girl by reciting my knowlpeel your face off and wear edge of Supreme Court it like the guy from texas Cases: my commentary on chainsaw. I will confront Plessy v. Ferguson actually you. BEWARE....fucker. did get me laid that night. (Daaaaaaamn...) Some girls at Rutgers actuTo the red haired food whore ally don’t get wet by your on the third floor of lippin- guido asshole attempts at cott, stop eating everyone’s impressing them with your food, all the food is going to muscle milk and blow-out your ass, and its a big ass. haircuts. Why don’t you go to the men of ‘man-tia’ research Lawrence v. Texas. thanks for whistling when- I’m sure it’s your favorite ever i walk in with a female case, since it legalized your into the building. i love how favorite pasttime: Buttsex. you all talk like u get girls Go fuck yourself. and pussy. when in reality to the beautiful boy i saw the only time you get your on the EE last monday and tuesday night in the black dick wet is in the shower. To the guidos on 4th the shirt and glasses.. i thorfloor of crosby: Your bro- oughly enjoyed staring at mantic relationships make your giant arms. we got off me sick. We all know your at the same stop on cook but in love, you dont need to i didn’t see where you went. constantly fuck each other i wish it was back to my in public. Next time i see apartment. any of your guidolips im going to piss in your face
WHAT’S SHAKIN’ How It Really Happened: Thanksgiving
Wednesday, November 18th , 2009
“The Medal, It’s SO TINY”
By Micro F-150 and The Cocktopus Staff Tag Team Champions Many people believe that Thanksgiving is about Indians [Native Americans] and Pilgrims [Colonialist Bastards] putting aside their differences, and deciding to feast until they vomit and then lie on the couch to watch football. We traditionally celebrate by having awkward conversations over turkey dinner with the extended family and watching the Detroit Lions get stomped by whoever they’re playing. Of course, the real history of Thanksgiving befits a far greater celebration. Thor, the God of Thunder, was tired of his daily routine. Fighting all-day and feasting all night was fun, but he was tired of doing it with the same old dudes. So he decided to enter the Mortal realm for a bit and just hang out. He went to the local arcade with Odin. They decided to play some Air-Hockey, with the stipulation that “loser buys lunch”. For the next several hundred years, in what has been described as “the single greatest sporting event in history,” Thor and Odin played Air-Hockey; winner first-to-seven. Odin won the match, though it is heavily contested as he moved the puck with his hand before using a double-wall diagonal cross-shot to score the final point. Thor, pissed off from losing, ran to the top of Mt. Jozzerzo in a crazy rush. Sir Stephen Harrison, a local farmer who was enjoying a rather beautiful day under his favorite apple tree, saw Thor running up the hill, and was instantly blessed with the gift of music, and a flaming Gibson electric guitar. Thor reached the top of the mountain and killed a Nordic Warbird that happened to be flying by. The bird landed where the modern day USA is, and the separate tribes of Indians all figured it was a God of some sort since the warbird was the size of a battleship, and started killing each other, and stuff. Thor, still atop the mountain, realized he had created a mortal war [a big no-no in the League of Gods and Goddesses, or LOGG] and sent a bolt of lightning to the carcass of the warbird, cooking it instantly. He jumped down and landed next to it. Thor then said, “Lowly Mortals, it is I, Thor, God of Everything Awesome. Lay down your weapons and feast on this freshly Thorified bird.”
So the Indians decided to do what the white man said, and dig in. Odin, who is never far from a good party, showed up with like 20 handles of Majorska. Hey, it’s bottom-shelf, but it gets the job done. The Indians got fucked up by this new firewater, and started throwing rocks and twigs at Odin, who according to the Indians looked less “rides with lightning” then Thor. Odin was pretty buzzed at this point, and decided to fight back against the Indians. One by one he crushed their skulls like grapes. He’d pick up an Indian and swing him like a bat against the other ones. At one point he assembled some sort of Indian-teeth chainsaw system and just went wild. Basically, it wasn’t good for the Indians. Thor was freaking out at this point, because he was only a junior, whereas Odin was a senior, and he had been a brother before Thor. Vegeta, the God of Luck, dropped by, responding to the mass text Thor sent out. Vegeta brought a handle of Captain Morgan and a pineapple, because pineapples are the best thing to bring to a party. Seriously, look that shit up; it’s a Hawaiian tradition, and everyone loves it when it happens at a party. They kinda suck to actually eat though, cuz you gotta cut off the skin and everything. I guess that’s why apples are good, you can just eat those right away. They’re less impressive though, as a party gift. The Indians all started praying to Vegeta, which he thought was because of the pineapple, but later found out it was because his hair was spikey beyond human conception. Vegeta stood their, realizing that the Indians were praying for their lives to him, and he decided to do the “right thing” and help out. He proclaimed, “Gentle creatures of this mortal realm, fear not, for I can control things that fortune dictates. From this day onward, you will always be on the blessed side of nature, luck and fortune will always be for your will.” Odin slipped on an empty bottle and hit his head on a rock, knocking himself out. The Indians believed that they now had good luck for all eternity. And that’s why Indians run casinos.